September 24, 2025 • 95 mins
I would love to hear from you. What did you think about this episode? Do you have any questions?
The difference between "talking to" someone and "talking with" them might seem like a minor distinction, but as Dr. Dar reveals in this eye-opening episode, these subtle word choices can fundamentally shape our relationships. Words aren't just expressions—they're powerful tools that either connect us more deeply or drive wedges between us.
When we use power and control language, we create environments of fear, anxiety, and disconnection. Through numerous real-world examples, Dr. Dar illuminates how domination, manipulation, coercion, silencing, and gaslighting manifest in everyday conversations. These patterns—ranging from obvious behaviors like giving orders without discussion to subtle tactics like questioning someone's memory or reality—gradually erode trust, self-esteem, and relationship health.
The physical and emotional toll of experiencing control language shouldn't be underestimated. Our bodies respond with physiological signals like increased heart rate, tension, or knots in the stomach. Over time, these patterns can lead to anxiety, depression, and even trauma. Most importantly, Dr. Dar emphasizes that recognizing these patterns is the crucial first step toward change.
Supportive language offers a transformative alternative that creates emotional safety and invites vulnerability. By communicating with compassion and empathy, we build bridges rather than walls. This approach resolves conflicts more effectively, deepens connections, and empowers everyone involved. The benefits extend beyond individual relationships to teams, workplaces, and communities.
Making this shift requires patience and practice. Dr. Dar provides practical strategies like planning conversations, using "I" statements, practicing reflective listening, and seeking feedback. She emphasizes that while changing long-established patterns
Welcome to The Better Relationships Podcast with Dr. Dar Hawks, your guide to building stronger, more fulfilling relationships. Each episode dives into Dr. Dar’s proven Relationship Success Framework, offering practical strategies to help you express your needs, handle difficult conversations, and nurture emotional harmony in all your relationships. Ready to understand yourself and your loved ones better? Take the free Primary Relationship Needs Quiz at needs.drdarhawks.com and start your jou
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Episode 65 of the Better Relationships
Podcast.
I'm Dr Dar, your host andrelationship and communication
coach and healer.
Today I'm talking about thewords that you choose actually
guide the results that you get.
Here's some communicationadvice for you in this episode.
(00:21):
The words you use can have ahuge impact on your
relationships.
Day-to-day, moment-to-momentinteractions how you talk to the
people you care about and howthey talk to you can either
bring you closer together orpush you apart, leading to
(00:42):
misunderstanding, hurt feelings,resentment and even
long-lasting pain for bothyourself and them.
Today, my focus is on sharingthe difference between power and
control language and supportivelanguage, and why making the
shift will benefit you, whetherother people follow suit or not.
(01:06):
Just to give you a smallexample the difference between a
two-letter word and afour-letter word of how the
words you choose can make a hugedifference.
Earlier I said how you talk topeople you care about and how
they talk to you.
Just a switch of one word willmake a big difference how you
(01:31):
talk with people you care aboutand how they talk with you.
The word to is construed aspower and control language.
It's hierarchical, it istalking down, but talking with
you is very inclusive language.
It's supportive language.
(01:52):
It immediately draws you inenergetically.
Let's take a closer look at thedifference between power and
control language versussupportive, compassionate
language, now that I've givenyou a little teaser and a taste.
The way you communicate can makeor break your relationships and
(02:12):
make or break your day, and youcan help your relationships
grow with trust and closeness,or you can cause distance and
disconnection in every or anyconversation that you have.
Think about how it would feelto choose words that truly lift
(02:32):
people up, including yourself.
Speaking with kindness andpurpose creates a safe space
where trust and honesty canflourish.
In contrast, using languagethat's about power or control
often leaves people feeling shutdown, unheard, upset or distant
(02:55):
.
Supportive language buildstrust and openness and creates a
safe place.
It also creates a mood that'sinviting and warm, while power
and control language oftenbrings fear, anger, worry, angst
, anxiousness and separation,and the energy that goes with
(03:19):
power and control language doesthe same as well the mood that
goes with it.
You have the ability to changeevery conversation for the
better by choosing compassionate, supportive words and also by
listening attentively.
I have seen firsthand in my ownlife and that of my clients how
(03:44):
moving from criticism toencouragement can bring people
closer together.
Let's now explore how usingsupportive language not only
strengthens your relationships,but also helps you and those
around you enjoy happier,healthier and more fulfilling
interactions.
(04:05):
Power and control languagehappens when someone speaks or
acts in a way that tries todominate, pressure, control or
manipulate either another person, an agenda or what that person
wants to have happen.
If you've ever felt ignored,pushed into something or like
(04:27):
your opinions didn't matterduring a conversation, you may
have experienced this.
Or if you shared aboutsomething with someone and they
immediately start talking abouttheir own experiences and
stories, you may haveexperienced this.
The main goal of power andcontrol language is to take
(04:50):
charge, potentially over someoneelse, over the results, over
the conversation, or just toexude self-importance.
It's not just about being upsetor disagreeing.
It's about overruling the otherperson's feelings, thoughts or
choices to get what one wants.
(05:10):
The main goal of power andcontrol language is to take
charge over someone else, overthe results, or just to exude
self-importance.
To exude self-importance, it'snot just about being upset or
disagreeing.
It's about overruling the otherperson's feelings, thoughts or
(05:31):
choices to get what one wants,or to only focus on themselves
Self-absorption in other words.
This kind of language can behard to spot because it can be
both obvious and subtle.
Sometimes it's clear, such asusing orders or making threats
or giving ultimatums.
(05:52):
Other times it's hidden and itchips away at your confidence by
using guilt or twisting wordsto control how you feel or act,
or twisting words to control howyou feel or act.
Learning to notice thesepatterns and how to address them
(06:12):
in a subtle way is an importantfirst step towards healthier
communication and standing upfor yourself in relationships
without conflict orassertiveness.
The best way to recognize it isto play close attention to how
you feel and what your body'sphysiological response or
reaction is.
(06:33):
What I mean by physiologicalresponse is that your body will
react and give you signals insituations.
It could be an increased heartrate, feeling beaten down,
feeling like something's off, orlike you have no choice but to
accept the situation you're infeeling tense or anxious, tight
(06:54):
shoulders, a sore neck, aheadache, sweating or even a
knot in your stomach.
There are many physiologicalresponses and it's important for
you to tune into your body toidentify what yours are and what
they're trying.
Shaking when you feel unsafe,you might start crying when you
(07:28):
feel like you can't say whatneeds to be said, those are just
a few examples and every personhas a different or unique
physiological response todifferent situations.
These physical cues areindicators that power and
control language may be at work.
Once you start recognizingthese signs, it becomes easier
(07:50):
to identify the underlyingdynamics in your conversation.
You can then make informeddecisions about how you want to
respond and set boundaries toprotect yourself and set
boundaries to protect yourself.
Let's dive into the varioustypes of power and control, like
domination, manipulation,coercion, silencing and more
(08:13):
Recognizing power and controllanguage.
Let's be real and truthfulabout the way power and control
can show up in your words andthe words of others, because
understanding it is the firststep towards building the loving
, respectful relationships youcrave and deserve, not only for
yourself and of yourself, butalso from others.
(08:36):
The first thing I want to sharewith you is that power and
control language is aboutdomination.
This happens when someone useslanguage to put themselves above
others or expects totalobedience.
It's that overwhelming feelingwhen your voice is not even
given a chance to be heard.
Here are some examples ofdomination in marriage or family
(09:01):
type relationships.
Here are some examples of whatdomination in a marriage or
family relationships or, frankly, any relationship looks like.
Number one giving orders withoutdiscussion.
One partner says you'll do whatI say because I'm in charge
here, or some variation of thatsounds really good which then
(09:21):
shuts down any conversation orany shared decision making.
Number two controlling money.
A spouse decides how everydollar is spent, gives an
allowance or withholds money aspunishment, making the other
person financially dependent andunable to make their own
choices.
As a side note, these examplesI'm providing are more on the
(09:46):
exaggerated side.
There are varying degrees ofstrength, forcefulness with
these examples I'm going toshare throughout this episode.
So it's really important thatyou're aware of the more extreme
examples I'm giving you so thatyou can start discerning
(10:06):
whether some of this ishappening in your interactions
or your relationships.
It can be a really mild, verymild case.
However, mild cases, if notaddressed, can become worse in
nature.
The third example is limitingsocial connections.
One partner stops the otherfrom seeing friends or family,
(10:29):
saying things like I don't wantyou to talk to them anymore and
that cuts them off from support.
Number four constant monitoringChecking texts, emails, call
logs, where you're going andwhat you're doing without
permission, emails, call logs,where you're going and what
you're doing without permission,and always needing to know
where the other person is, whilecalling it protection or caring
(10:51):
or love.
Number five ignoring opinions,repeatedly saying things like
you don't know what you'retalking about, or brushing off a
partner's ideas and feelingswhen making family decisions or
just having regularconversations.
Number six using threats orfear Threatening, such as if you
(11:12):
leave me, you'll be sorry, orif you'll leave me, I'll just
hurt myself, or using scaryactions like slamming doors or
yelling to make someone afraidover time and force them to give
in or not challenge them.
Number seven having doublestandards, setting rules that
(11:33):
only apply to one person, suchas one spouse can go out while
insisting the other stays homeand claims that we're doing this
because it's for our own good,or it's for the children, or the
house needs to be taken care ofand can't be left without
someone here.
Number eight making all thedecisions.
(11:54):
For example, one parent decideseverything about the kid's
schooling routines or disciplinewithout asking for the other
partner's thoughts or feelingsor opinions.
Number nine the silenttreatment, withdrawing affection
or refusing to talk until theother person gives in and does
(12:15):
what they want.
Number 10, putting downachievements, making light of or
mocking a family member'ssuccesses by saying something
like anyone could have done thatit's nothing special, in order
to keep them feeling lessimportant and less than who they
are.
Number 11, name-calling.
(12:36):
This makes you feel ashamed orsmall, like being told you're so
lazy.
Even little insults can damageyour self-esteem, and especially
when they're made withinearshot of other people.
Number 12, threats that try toforce you to do something, such
as if you don't do this, I'llleave, or if you don't do this,
(12:59):
I'm going to stop giving you anallowance, or if you don't do
this, I won't go groceryshopping with you anymore.
These are meant to control youand are not designed to have an
honest conversation.
Number 13, gaslighting whensomeone acts like your feelings
or memories aren't real or yourexperiences don't count, saying
(13:20):
things like you're overreacting,that never happened, and this
can make you question yourselfand if it happens often enough,
you doubt yourself repeatedly.
Now I'd like to give you somereal-life examples based on what
my clients have come to me tohelp them with over the last two
or more decades.
(13:40):
Names have been changed toprotect and respect the
confidentiality of my clients.
Number one complete financialcontrol.
Maria's husband handles alltheir money and won't let her
access their bank accounts orcredit cards.
When Maria asks for money forgroceries or personal care needs
(14:01):
, he says you don't need toworry about that, I'll take care
of it.
He criticizes how she spends,calls her irresponsible with
money and only gives her smallamounts if she does what he
wants.
Over time, maria feels stuckand powerless and unable to make
decisions about her own life.
(14:24):
Number two controlling sociallife.
After Tom and Leslie gotmarried, tom started deciding
which friends he could see.
He would say things like Idon't like the way your friends
influence you or if you reallyloved me, you'd spend more time
with me and my family.
Instead, whenever Leslie triesto meet an old friend, tom picks
(14:48):
a fight or makes her feelguilty until she cancels.
She ends up feeling moreisolated and depends on Tom more
and more for social support,until he is her only support.
Number three dictating everydayroutines In their home.
Mark insists on strict rulesabout when meals are eaten, how
(15:11):
chores are done and even what TVshows his partner can watch.
If everything isn't doneexactly his way, he accuses his
partner of being disrespectful.
Saying things like partner ofbeing disrespectful.
Saying things like if you lovedme, you'd do things my way.
If you cared, you'd do it myway.
(15:34):
Eventually, his partner stopssharing opinions or making
suggestions out of fear ofupsetting him.
Number four withholdingaffection and communication.
Whenever Jen disagrees with herpartner or something he does,
he gives her the silenttreatment, sometimes for days.
He ignores her until sheapologizes or agrees with him.
(15:55):
This makes Jen anxious anddesperate to make peace, so she
stops sharing her true feelingsand lets him make all the
decisions.
Number five publicembarrassment At family or
gatherings with friends.
Robert mocks his wife's ideasor achievements in front of
others.
Don't listen to her, shedoesn't know what she's talking
(16:17):
about, he says.
He laughs and scoffs at herefforts to join conversations
and points out small mistakes inpublic.
Over time, his wife withdrawsfrom group conversations and
loses confidence in herself andin speaking up.
Number six making parentingdecisions alone.
(16:37):
Sophie tries discussing schooloptions for their child with her
husband, but he ignores all ofher suggestions.
I know what's best, just trustme, he says.
He signs their child up foractivities without talking to
Sophie first, or even talking totheir child, and later blames
her if problems come up.
(16:58):
This wouldn't have happened ifyou hadn't interfered, he says.
Each of these examples showdomination through controlling
money, social life, dailyroutines, emotions, confidence
or shared responsibilities,often leaving the other person
feeling powerless and ignored.
(17:18):
Let's now talk aboutmanipulation.
Sometimes conversations can getso confusing that you start
doubting yourself or makingchoices that don't feel right.
This is a form of manipulationwhen someone uses confusion or
guilt to influence your actions.
Here are some examples ofmanipulation in family
(17:40):
relationships, marriage or,truth be told, any relationship.
Number one gaslighting Onepartner keeps denying or
twisting the truth, making theother person question their
memory, perceptions or sanity,for example.
That never happened, you'rejust imagining it, even when it
(18:01):
clearly did happen.
Number two guilt tripping,saying things like after all,
I've done for you, you can't dothis one thing for me, to make
the other person feel guilty andgive in.
Number three playing the victimAlways.
Number three playing the victimAlways acting like the injured
(18:22):
party in arguments to avoidresponsibility, accountability
and to get sympathy.
Making the other person feel atfault, even if it's partially
at fault, if not completely.
Number four the silenttreatment, refusing to talk or
show affection as a way topunish someone until they give
(18:44):
in or apologize, even if theydidn't do anything wrong.
Number five twisting your words,changing what someone said to
make them seem unreasonable orselfish, for example, so you
don't care about my feelings atall, after a simple request for
personal space.
Number six withholdinginformation, keeping important
(19:08):
details from a spouse or familymember on purpose to keep
control over decisions.
Number seven emotionalblackmail Using phrases like if
you really loved me, you'd dothis to manipulate your feelings
and pressure you into doingsomething you don't want to do.
Number eight creating doubt,regularly questioning a
(19:29):
partner's choice or abilities,with comments like are you sure
you can handle that?
To chip away at theirconfidence and make them more
dependent.
Number nine triangulationInvolving a third party or a
fourth party or a fifth partyinvolving others in
disagreements to gang up on oneperson or influence the outcome
(19:52):
of an argument or situation.
Number 10, conditionalaffection showing love, praise
or approval only when someonemeets certain expectations.
For example, I'm proud of youwhen you listen to me.
And an additional note hereit's not about being proud of
(20:13):
when you listen to them, it'sabout you taking the actions and
doing what they said to do,because just the act of
listening is being there andacknowledging what you heard.
The action is somethingcompletely different from
listening.
Here's what manipulation canlook like in a marriage or
family relationship.
(20:34):
Number one twisting words.
Maria asked her husband Davidfor an evening to herself.
Maria asked her husband Davidfor an evening to herself to
relax and recharge.
Instead of understanding herneed for personal space, david
responded sharply.
So you're saying you don't careabout my feelings at all?
(20:57):
I guess spending time with mejust isn't important to you.
Maria felt guilty and silenced,even though she had made a
reasonable request.
Number two withholdinginformation.
Terry managed the family'sfinances and deliberately didn't
tell his wife Jen about a largeupcoming expense.
(21:18):
When Jen found out later, terrydismissed her concerns.
I didn't think it was necessaryto worry you by keeping her in
the dark.
Terry dismissed her concerns.
I didn't think it was necessaryto worry you.
By keeping her in the dark,terry maintained control over
financial decisions and left Jenpowerless.
Number three emotional blackmail.
Whenever Sarah wanted to visither parents for the weekend, her
(21:39):
husband Mark would say if youreally loved me, you'd want to
spend your weekends with meinstead of them.
This made Sarah feel tornbetween her love for her family
and the fear of hurting Mark'sfeelings.
Number four creating doubt.
After Emily shared her plans toapply for a new job, her
(22:00):
partner Alex often questionedher abilities.
Are you sure you can handlethat kind of responsibility.
Maybe it's too much for you.
Over time, emily began doubtingherself and hesitated to pursue
opportunities without Alex'sapproval.
Number five triangulation.
During an argument betweensiblings, their mother sided
(22:27):
with one child by telling theother your brother agrees with
me.
Maybe if you listened more,like he does, we wouldn't have
these problems.
This approach not only isolatesone child, but also manipulates
both into competing forapproval.
Number six conditionalaffection.
Whenever their teenage daughterfollowed instructions exactly
(22:47):
as asked, mr Kim would praiseher I'm proud of you when you
listen to me and do as I say.
Most people, however, would sayI'm proud of you when you
listen to me, but what they'rereally saying is I'm proud of
you because you did what I saidto do.
However, if she expressedindependent thoughts or
disagreed with him, he wouldwithdraw affection and become
(23:09):
distant.
The message was clear Love andapproval were dependent on
compliance.
Number seven coercion throughthreats.
When Lisa questioned a majorpurchase that John wanted to
make, he threatened by saying ifyou don't trust my judgment on
this, maybe we shouldn't bemaking decisions together at all
.
Lisa felt intimidated andagreed against her better
(23:33):
judgment to avoid conflict orfurther threats.
Each of these examplesillustrates common forms of
manipulation in closerelationships.
These are all subtle or overtactions that undermine trust and
autonomy, while maintainingcontrol and power over another
person.
(23:55):
Let's now talk about coercion.
If you've ever felt forced orthreatened into agreeing with
something that goes against yourbeliefs or values or morality,
that is coercion.
Here are examples of coercionin a marriage Threatening to
leave or withhold affectionunless the partner gives in to
(24:17):
demands.
Pressuring a spouse to makefinancial choices or sign papers
they're uncomfortable with.
Pushing for sex by using guilt,threats or emotional
manipulation, saying things likeif you loved me, you would,
using fear of conflict or angerto get agreement.
If you don't do this, you knowI'll get really upset.
(24:38):
And the fear is instilled fromthe times when anger does show
up, because it can be reallyscary when that person blows up,
so you do everything you can toavoid it.
Limiting contact with family,friends or support systems to
gain control.
Criticizing or undermining apartner's confidence so they
(25:01):
feel unable to say no, makingdecisions or setting rules
without discussion and expectingobedience.
Saying things like this is whatwe're doing, end of story,
we're not discussing it anymore.
Or threatening to revealsecrets or private information
if the partner doesn't comply.
Here's what coercion can looklike in a marriage.
(25:23):
Here's what coercion can looklike in a marriage Threatening
to leave or withhold affection.
Sarah felt uneasy whenever sheand her husband Mark disagreed,
(25:46):
whether it was about familyplans, raising their kids or
household issues.
Mark would threaten to move outor stop talking to her until
she agreed with him.
Over time, sarah started goingalong with what he wanted, just
to avoid the threat of beingleft alone or ignored.
Number two pressuring financialdecisions.
Raj wanted a new car, but hiswife, priya, wasn't comfortable
with the expense.
Raj kept pressuring her everyday and calling her selfish for
(26:07):
hesitating.
Finally, he put loan documentsin front of her and said sign
these now or I'll never trustyou again.
Feeling trapped and anxious,priya signed, even though she
didn't want to.
Number three guilt and sexualcoercion.
Julia was often tired afterwork and doing the chores once
(26:28):
she got home and didn't alwayswant intimacy.
Her husband Tom would saythings like if you really loved
me, you'd want to be close, andsometimes accused her of being
unfaithful if she refused.
Julia started saying yes evenwhen she didn't want to, because
saying no led to tension andaccusations.
(26:48):
This also leads to sexual abusesituations which I'm not going
to delve into today.
Number four using fear ofconflict.
Number four whenever Marydisagreed, like when considering
a job that meant moving, herhusband, john, would yell and
(27:10):
get visibly angry.
If you don't do this with me,you know how upset I'll get.
Do you really want anotherfight?
Scared of his reactions, maryjust stopped sharing her
opinions altogether and justwent with what John wanted.
This slowly eroded herhappiness, her sense of
well-being, and startedaffecting her physical health.
(27:32):
Number five isolating fromfamily or friends.
David disliked how much hiswife Lisa talked with her sister
.
Whenever Lisa made plans orcalled home, david complained
until she canceled.
I can't believe.
You'd rather be with them thanme.
Eventually he gave her anultimatum If you keep choosing
(27:53):
them over me, don't expect me tostay around.
Lisa slowly lost contact withher support system because of
this.
Number six underminingconfidence.
Anna's husband constantlycriticized her, from what she
wore to how she managed money,and told her she was not capable
.
You're too naive, just let mehandle it.
(28:15):
Hearing this over and over madeAnna lose confidence until she
stopped objecting at all.
Number seven imposing ruleswithout discussion.
When big family decisions cameup, like moving homes or setting
household rules, ethan wouldjust announce what was happening
.
This is what we're doing.
End of story.
If Emily protested, ethandismissed her concerns as
(28:39):
unimportant.
Number eight threateningexposure of personal information
.
After Julia shared sensitiveinformation from her past with
Michael during a vulnerablemoment, he later used it as
leverage during arguments.
If you don't do what I want,maybe your parents will find out
about your past.
(28:59):
Julia ducked because she fearedhe might reveal her secrets if
she didn't go along with him.
Here's a side note.
I'm very aware that in theseexamples I am using examples
with women and men more focusedon the men participating in
these behaviors.
(29:20):
That's only because these areclient examples and their
identities and confidentialityis being protected.
Both genders participate inthese behaviors, either as the
victim or the perpetrator, so Ijust wanted to make that note
and call that out in case you'rewondering about that.
(29:42):
Let's now talk about silencing.
Your feelings are importantwhen someone or anyone ignores
or dismisses what you say.
It can make you feel unheardand over time, this hurts your
self-esteem.
Here are some examples ofsilencing.
Number one interrupting ortalking over.
One person regularly cuts offor talks over the other, showing
(30:07):
that their thoughts or feelingsaren't welcome.
Number two being dismissivewhen one person shares something
meaningful and the otherreplies with you're overreacting
or that's not a big deal orthat's not important, making
your emotions seem unimportant.
Number three ignoring or givingthe silent treatment, refusing
(30:29):
to talk, ignoring attempts atconversation or walking away
when the other person tries tospeak.
Number four changing thesubject Quickly, steering the
conversation away from toughtopics or topics that they don't
want to deal with.
That creates the space to todeal with.
That creates the space to avoiddealing with concerns or issues
.
(30:50):
Number five mocking or usingsarcasm.
Making fun of or using sarcasmwhen a spouse tries to
communicate, causing them tofeel foolish for speaking up.
Number six withholdinginformation, keeping important
information as secret or notanswering questions, leaving the
(31:11):
other person feeling left outand powerless.
Number seven double standardsexpecting one person to listen
but not offering the samerespect in return, but not
offering the same respect inreturn.
Number eight downplayingexperiences, saying things like
you're being too sensitive orit's not that serious anytime
you bring up an issue.
Number nine threateningconsequences for speaking up,
(31:36):
using emotional withdrawal,anger or guilt tripping to
punish you for expressing yourconcerns.
Number 10, belittlingachievements or ideas.
Brushing off suggestions oraccomplishments as unimportant,
sending the message that yourvoice doesn't matter.
Here are some examples ofsilencing in a marriage the
(31:57):
unheard voice.
Melissa tries to talk abouttheir finances with her husband,
sean.
Every time she brings it up,sean sighs and says here we go
again.
You always worry too much.
If Melissa keeps trying toexplain her concerns, sean
interrupts her there's nothingto talk about.
Let's not start this tonight.
Eventually Melissa stopsbringing it up because she feels
(32:19):
her thoughts don't matter.
Example number two changing thesubject.
When Brandon shares that hewishes they spent more quality
time together, his wife, lisa,quickly changes the topic.
Did you remember to pay theelectricity bill?
She ignores his feelings and ifBrandon pushes further, lisa
gets up and leaves the room.
He ends up feeling alone andlike his needs don't count.
(32:43):
Example number three mockery anddismissal.
Sarah tells her husband Markthat she feels lonely since he
spends most evenings out withfriends and most weekends out
golfing.
Mark laughs and sayssarcastically oh no, are you
lonely again?
Maybe you should get a hobby.
Sarah feels embarrassed andstops talking about her feelings
(33:07):
.
Example number four withholdinginformation.
Jessica asks her husband ifthere's any news about his job
after hearing rumors of layoffsat work.
He shrugs and says nothing youneed to worry about refusing to
share details or answer herquestions.
Jessica then feels left out ofdecisions that affect both of
(33:27):
them and she feels her safetyand security becoming more
unstable.
Example number five threateningconsequences for speaking up.
Whenever Ahmed brings upconcerns about their parenting
choices, his wife Maya getsangry, slamming doors or giving
(33:48):
him the silent treatment fordays.
Ahmed then starts avoidingthese conversations just to keep
things calm and keep the peace.
Example number six minimizingexperiences.
When Priya tells her husbandArun she's stressed from
juggling work and homeresponsibilities, he says you're
just being dramatic.
(34:08):
Everybody does it, it's nothing.
Priya then starts doubtingwhether her feelings are valid.
Example number seven belittlingideas or achievements.
At dinner with friends, emilymentions an idea for starting a
small business with her friend.
Her husband scoffs and saysloudly Emily always has these
(34:30):
dreams.
She never follows through.
Anyway.
Emily feels embarrassed andstops sharing her ideas with
others and gives up on herdreams.
These examples show howsilencing someone else can be
obvious or subtle, but it alwaysmakes it harder for one person
to express themselves in therelationship.
(34:52):
Now let's talk about gaslighting.
If someone denies what happenedor makes you doubt your own
memories, truth, morality orexperience or values, they're
using gaslighting to make youlose trust in yourself.
Here are some examples ofgaslighting in an intimate
(35:13):
relationship.
Also, keep in mind that allthese behaviors can occur in any
type of relationship and theyoccur in different, differing
degrees.
You know, a friend might do itone time but then never again,
or it's a recurring, slowlyemerging pattern in a
(35:34):
relationship.
Here are some examples ofgaslighting in an intimate
relationship.
Number one denying events.
One partner insists that neverhappened.
When the other mentions aspecific argument or hurtful
comment, over time, this canmake the other person question
their own memory and judgment.
(35:56):
Number two twisting facts.
When called out for beinginsensitive, a spouse says
you're too sensitive, I was justjoking.
You always overreact, makingthe other person feel
unreasonable for having feelingsand questioning themselves.
Number three blaming the victim.
After shouting or getting angry, one partner says if you didn't
(36:18):
act that way, I wouldn't haveto yell, putting the blame on
the other person instead oftaking responsibility.
Number four the other personinstead of taking responsibility
.
Number four withholdinginformation.
A spouse keeps importantdetails or decisions secret and
later claims I told you aboutthis already, you must have
forgotten which causes confusionand self-doubt.
(36:39):
Number five underminingconfidence when one partner
shares, doubts or concerns theother responds with you're just
imagining things.
You always make problems wherethere aren't any and this makes
the other person distrust theirown feelings and thoughts and
themselves.
Number six creating confusion.
(37:00):
A spouse often changes a person, often changes stories about
events or conversations andinsists the other person is
wrong if any inconsistencies arepointed out.
Number seven minimizingfeelings.
When someone shares theiremotions and hears the response,
(37:21):
you're being dramatic.
It's not a big deal.
Their real feelings andexperiences are dismissed.
Now let me give you whatgaslighting actually looks like
in a relationship.
Number one twisting the truth.
Martha noticed her husbandpulling away when she told him
how hurt she felt after heignored her at dinner with
friends.
(37:41):
Steve said that didn't happen.
You're remembering it wrong.
Everyone saw I was payingattention to you.
Martha then started to questionher own memory and wondered if
she was just being too sensitive.
Number two denying whathappened.
David asked his wife, claireabout some strange charges on
their joint credit card.
(38:02):
Claire replied you must havebought those things yourself and
forgot You've been forgetting alot of things lately.
Even though David was sure hehadn't made those purchases, he
started to doubt himself.
Number three blaming the otherperson.
When Emily told her husbandMark that his criticism hurt her
(38:23):
, mark shot back.
If you weren't so emotional allthe time, I wouldn't get angry.
Instead of discussing what hurther, mark shot back.
If you weren't so emotional allthe time, I wouldn't get angry.
Instead of discussing whatbothered her, emily ended up
apologizing for her feelings.
Number four hiding the truth.
Jake made a big financialdecision without telling his
wife, sarah.
When she found out and askedhim about it, jake calmly said I
(38:47):
told you about this weeks ago.
You just don't listen orremember.
Sarah felt confused and guiltyfor supposedly forgetting
something important.
Doubt yourself.
Number five making you doubtyourself.
When Priscilla brought upworries about her husband's late
nights at work, alex dismissedher.
(39:08):
You're paranoid.
You're always imagining thingsthat aren't real.
Over time, priscilla stoppedtrusting herself and stayed
quiet about her concerns,meanwhile losing trust in her
relationship and feelingbetrayed.
Number six creating doubt andconfusion.
(39:28):
Whenever Lisa mentioned anargument from earlier in the
week, her husband insisted itnever happened or claimed she
exaggerated about what was said.
Lisa then started finding ithard to trust her own memories
and question them, because Dan'sversion always contradicted
hers.
Number seven dismissing yourfeelings.
(39:50):
Daniel tried to explain howneglected he felt because of his
wife's busy schedule.
She sighed and said you'rebeing dramatic.
It's not like I'm ignoring youon purpose.
His feelings were brushed offas unimportant or overreacting.
Lying.
One of the most harmful tacticsin emotional manipulation is
(40:12):
lying.
This means twisting the truth,denying what really happened or
making up stories to confuse youand make themselves look
perfect or innocent.
The manipulator tries toconvince you that only they are
telling the truth, only they canbe your savior and you
shouldn't trust anyone else orany evidence that disagrees with
(40:34):
them.
This makes it hard to tellwhat's real and what's not,
what's factual and what isn't,and this gives the manipulator
more control over your thoughtsand actions.
For instance, when Miaconfronted her partner about a
suspicious text message, heinsisted it was a wrong number
or a silly joke, even thoughthere was clear evidence
(40:55):
otherwise.
This ongoing dishonesty madeMia lose trust in her own
judgment and left her wonderingif she was just being paranoid
or too sensitive, or if her mind.
If she was losing her mind, itcan leave someone feeling
confused, doubting their ownmemory and even questioning
their sanity.
(41:16):
Now I want to cover the impactof power and control language.
If you've ever felt ignored,put down or invisible during a
conversation.
You've experienced how powerand control language can quietly
damage trust and lower yourself-esteem.
When someone uses words tocontrol or belittle you or
(41:40):
others, it creates an unhealthyenvironment and the person on
the receiving end feelspowerless, unheard and
potentially trapped.
It's important to remember thatif this happened to you, it's
not your fault and unfortunately, it happens more often than
most people think and even moreunfortunately, most people who
(42:02):
are on the receiving end do notknow how to stop it.
They don't know how to stop itwithout creating more conflict
or hurting other people'sfeelings, or being a stand for
themselves, without creating anaggressive situation Over time.
Hearing controlling languageagain and again doesn't just
(42:24):
hurt your feelings.
It can seriously affect youremotional health, leading to
anxiety, depression, illness andeven trauma.
It is painful, but I want youto know change is absolutely
possible.
The effects of this kind oflanguage aren't limited to your
personal life.
It can spread into yourcommunities and workplaces,
(42:48):
making inequality worse andkeeping systems of unfairness in
place.
But by noticing these patternsfirst, by paying attention to
both the words you use and whyyou use them and why others use
them, you can help make thingsbetter.
And by paying attention to whatsignals and signs your body's
(43:10):
telling you, you can also helpto start shifting things.
You absolutely can build betterrelationships based on respect
and understanding.
It starts with choosing openand honest communication with
yourself that values both yourown worth and your own
independence and that of others.
Every move you make towardskinder conversations is a win,
(43:34):
not just for you, but also foryour relationships and for a
more peaceful world.
Your voice is important and youdeserve to be listened to with
kindness and respect, and it'shard to know how to make that
happen when you're in this kindof relationship, and that's
where I can help.
Please schedule a free,no-obligation consultation with
(43:58):
me at contactdrdarhawkscom.
That's contactdrdarhaw s dotcom.
Please don't wait.
You are way too important to mefor you to continue
experiencing this in yourrelationship.
Power and control.
(44:19):
Language can sneak into yourlife in countless ways,
sometimes so subtly that it'shard to notice and pinpoint.
Ways sometimes so subtly thatit's hard to notice and pinpoint
.
That's why I encourage you tostay aware not just of how
others speak to you, but alsohow you speak with yourself and
those around you and, moreimportantly, how you feel during
and after the conversations,noticing these patterns and
(44:44):
what's happening with your bodyis the very first step towards
creating relationships built onrespect and equality.
If you've experienced thesebehaviors, please remember.
Your feelings and thoughtsmatter.
It's normal to feel anxiouswhen you're always waiting for
the next harsh comment or suddensilence.
(45:05):
Over time, this can chip awayat your self-esteem and make you
doubt your own self-worth.
This can make it hard for youto handle even simple daily
tasks and lowers yourproductivity.
You may even struggle tofunction or think clearly
throughout the day.
When communication is used tocontrol instead of understand,
(45:27):
it slowly damages yourrelationship and your emotional,
mental, physical and spiritualhealth.
It is exhausting and isolatingwhen fear takes the place of
honesty and safety, when everyconversation feels like a trap
instead of an opportunity toconnect.
However, by shining a light onthese behaviors, you can take
(45:50):
back your power and your voicewithin yourself first, then with
others.
The first step is for you toregain your confidence, esteem,
truth, power and voice.
You may think that the personusing power and control language
is the person who must change,and while that is true, they may
(46:12):
be less likely to do so.
However, I can show you how tocreate changes in how that
person communicates with you byshifting your energy, how you
respond and how you interactwith them, we will transform the
words you use and the mindsetthat you come to, the
(46:34):
conversation and the energy ofwhat your body's doing when you
interact with them.
When we work on your energy,thoughts, feelings and
communication approach, changeswill slowly start to occur in
your interactions.
If you're dealing with someonewho uses power and control
(46:55):
language with you and you wantit to stop, book a coaching
session with me.
Just one session, oneconversation, and let's shift it
.
Today you can book a session atcontactdrdarhawkscom.
You absolutely can break freefrom the cycle of control and
(47:15):
create healthier relationshipdynamics by choosing connection
over isolation, understandingover fear and pave the way for
relationships built on trust andlove.
And it does start with youfirst.
Choosing supportive languageencourages empathy,
understanding and collaboration.
(47:37):
Now that I've thoroughlycovered power and control
language examples, let's talkabout the benefits of using
supportive language.
Let's talk about the benefitsof using supportive language.
These benefits extend farbeyond just your surface level.
Per pleasant conversations.
(48:04):
When you communicate withcompassion, you create emotional
safety, which is a vitalfoundation for any human
relationship and interaction.
This safety then invitesopenness and vulnerability,
allowing both parties to shareopenly, without fear.
When you speak from a place ofempathy, you build bridges, not
walls, and you require fewerboundaries.
Using compassionate, supportivecommunication helps deepen your
(48:28):
relationships by validatingeach other's worth and
experiences, it transforms yourinteractions into moments of
trust-building and mutualrespect and equality, as well as
reciprocity.
Supporting others and yourselfthrough your words can soften
(48:49):
conflicts, heal wounds andempower both individuals to
thrive together.
Let's now compare the twocommunication styles and its
impact on relationships.
When looking at communicationstyles, it becomes clear how
each style affects yourrelationships.
(49:10):
These two approaches shapetrust and emotional safety in
very different ways.
Power and control languagecreates a toxic environment
where fear, resentment, wherefear, resentment, loss of self,
loss of productivity, depression, anxiety, worry can happen.
(49:32):
And here are some of theimpacts of that Erosion of trust
.
When one partner usesdomination or manipulation, the
other feels unsafe sharingthoughts or feelings.
Emotional withdrawal, constantexposure to threats or sarcasm
leads to shutting downemotionally as a protective
(49:53):
mechanism.
Heightened anxiety, livingunder coercion creates chronic
stress that damages mental andphysical well-being as well as
the relationship.
Supportive language acts as abridge.
It builds connection throughrespect, empathy, equality and
encouragement.
Its effects include mutualrespect, where individuals feel
(50:18):
seen and heard and valued andthat lays a foundation for
openness.
It focuses on cooperation overconflict.
When people feel heard, withoutjudgment, they're more willing
to collaborate on solutions.
And it also creates an openness, a vulnerability that leads to
intimacy.
(50:38):
Safe environments andcommunication invite authentic
sharing and creates a morefulfilling, deeper relationship.
Imagine saying I hear howupsetting this is for you.
That validates emotions whileinviting further dialogue,
instead of dismissive languagesuch as you're being emotional
(51:01):
for no reason, drop it.
Supportive and compassionatecommunication prioritizes
problem solving over winningcompetitiveness or being right.
It promotes understanding,compromise, negotiation and
growth.
A partner might say Iunderstand why this is important
to you.
Let's find a solution thatworks for both of us.
(51:24):
This validates concerns,creates a safe environment while
also seeking common ground.
The choice of communicationstyle significantly influences
the quality of your relationship, the conversation and your
interactions.
Choosing supportive languagerewires your relationship
(51:47):
dynamics from defensive survivalmode into an emotionally safe
place and space where bothpartners can grow together or
both individuals can.
The contrast between these twostyles highlights the influence
your words and the energy youbring with your words and they
(52:09):
bring with theirs have not juston individual feelings, but on
the very health of yourrelationships.
Now I'd like to share.
Now I would like to do a smallcase study with you with two
scenarios to further demonstratethe difference between power
(52:34):
and control language andsupportive language.
Alex and Jordan have beenmarried for five years Recently.
They've experienced frequentarguments about household
responsibilities and decisionmaking.
Here's scenario one with powerand control language.
When discussing chores, alexoften says you never help out
(52:57):
unless I remind you.
If you don't start doing yourpart, I'll just do everything
myself.
This language is accusatory,implies blame and makes Jordan
feel defensive and unappreciated.
Over time, this dynamic erodestrust and intimacy.
Jordan starts withdrawingemotionally, leading to further
(53:19):
breakdowns in communication.
Scenario two supportive andcompassionate language.
Alex tries a new approachsuggested by me.
I've been feeling overwhelmedwith the housework lately.
Can we talk about how we mightshare things more evenly?
By expressing feelings with Istatements and inviting
(53:40):
collaboration, alex createsspace for Jordan to respond
openly.
Jordan feels respected andvalued, which encourages a
positive conversation aboutsolutions.
Together they agree on a newplan that feels fair to both.
The outcome of supportivelanguage is that it shifts the
(54:02):
conversation to supportivelanguage, which builds
understanding, reduces conflictand strengthens the emotional
connection.
Let's now talk about overcomingchallenges to embracing and
implementing supportive andcompassionate communication.
Navigating the shift from powerand control language to support
(54:23):
and compassionate languageisn't easy.
Control language to support andcompassionate language isn't
easy.
Honestly, if it were, there'dbe a lot more people doing it
and fewer using control language.
Communication barriers oftenarise, especially when stress or
emotional exhaustion creeps in.
Is falling back into old habitssuch as sarcasm, blaming,
(54:47):
yelling, arguing or shuttingdown as a defense mechanism
during heated moments.
Here are some practicalapproaches to help overcome
these challenges.
Plan your conversations beforeyou go in and have them.
Think about the words you'regoing to choose.
Pause and breathe.
(55:08):
Taking a moment helps interruptautomatic responses rooted in
control language.
Acknowledge your feelings.
Naming emotions likefrustration or fear lessens
their grip on you and opensspace for your authentic words.
Use I statements.
Share personal experiencesinstead of blaming, and that
(55:29):
will invite understanding ratherthan defensiveness.
Reflective listening, fullyhearing the other person without
planning your response, allowsthe speaker to feel heard and
models how to communicate in acaring way.
Seek input and feedback.
Ask if your or their message isreceived as intended.
That will encourage mutualrespect and growth.
(55:51):
These steps rebuild truststrained by past communication
patterns.
Shifting towards compassionatedialogue requires patience and
time to rewire interactions intobridges of support rather than
walls of control.
(56:12):
Now let me talk about 20benefits of learning and
applying supportive language.
Number one improvedrelationships.
Supportive language createsunderstanding and empathy and
strengthens connections withothers.
Number two conflict resolution.
By promoting open dialogue,supportive language helps
(56:34):
resolve conflicts in aconstructive manner.
Number three emotionalintelligence.
Practicing empathy andemotional awareness enhances
your self-awareness andunderstanding of others.
Number four reduce stress.
Resisting the urge to controlor manipulate reduces tension
and stress and cortisol in bothpersonal and professional
(56:58):
relationships.
Number five enhanced problemsolving.
Supportive language encouragescollaborative problem solving,
leading to more effectivesolutions.
Number six increase trust.
When you and others feelgenuinely heard and understood,
you build trust brick by brick,which then creates that
(57:19):
foundation for healthierrelationships.
Number seven personal growth.
Developing compassionate andsupportive communication skills
promotes personal growth bychallenging ingrained patterns
of control.
Number eight greater influence.
Supportive language is morelikely to inspire others to
(57:40):
listen, consider differentperspectives and cooperate.
Number nine conflict prevention.
By proactively using supportivelanguage, misunderstandings and
conflicts can be preventedbefore they escalate.
Number 10, positive impact onyour mental and emotional health
(58:01):
.
Engaging in compassionatedialogue contributes to overall
well-being, creating a positivemindset and reducing negativity
in your interactions.
Number 11, improved teamdynamics.
Supportive language fosters asense of psychological safety
within teams, encouraging opencommunication and collaboration.
(58:25):
Number 12, enhanced leadershipskills.
Leaders who prioritizesupportive language create a
culture of trust and respect,leading to higher employee
satisfaction and productivity.
Number 13, strengthenedrelationships Consistently using
supportive language strengthenspersonal relationships, deepens
(58:53):
connections and fosters mutualunderstanding.
Number fourteen empoweredcommunication.
By choosing words that upliftand validate others' experiences
, individuals feel empowered toexpress themselves authentically
.
But when you do this for others, you're also doing it for
yourself.
Number 15, inclusive.
Supportive language promotesinclusivity by acknowledging
(59:14):
diverse perspectives andvalidating individuals'
experiences, creating anenvironment of safety where
everyone feels valued.
Number 16, social impact byembodying compassionate
communication, individualscontribute to creating a more
empathetic and compassionatesociety at large.
(59:35):
Number 17, conflict resolutionwhen conflicts do arise,
supportive language facilitateseffective resolution.
Supportive language facilitateseffective resolution, helping
each other find common ground.
Helping each other find commonground and reach mutually
satisfactory solutions.
Number 18, reduce burnoutCreating a supportive
(59:58):
environment through languagereduces the emotional labor
often associated with tenseinteractions.
It will mitigate burnout inboth personal and professional
settings.
Number 19, enhance creativitySupportive language encourages
individuals to share their ideasfreely, creating a climate of
(01:00:21):
innovation and creativity.
Number 20, overall well-beingthe practice of supportive
language not only benefitsrelationships, but also
contributes to your ownemotional well-being, leading to
a more fulfilling andharmonious life.
Now I want to talk about 10 waysthat relationship and
(01:00:42):
communication coaching with mecan help you learn and apply
supportive communication.
Number one buildingself-awareness.
Communication coaching can aidin developing your
self-awareness, helping yourecognize your communication
patterns and that of others inyour life as you share about
(01:01:04):
them, and identify areas forimprovement.
Number two practicing activelistening.
I can guide you in masteringactive listening skills, while
you also experience active andreflective listening, which will
then enable you to fullyunderstand the perspectives of
(01:01:25):
others and respondempathetically.
Number three developing empathy.
Through coaching, you cancultivate empathy, which is a
key component of supportivecommunication, by learning to
put yourself in others' shoesand them in yours, and genuinely
understand each other'semotions.
Number four unlearning negativecommunication habits and mood
(01:01:50):
habits.
I can provide you guidance onunlearning negative
communication habits, such asinterrupting, judging or
dismissing others' opinions, andreplacing them with more
supportive habits and approaches.
In addition to that, as youunlearn these negative
communication habits, you willstart noticing people using them
(01:02:12):
less and less with you.
Number five enhancing emotionalintelligence.
Coaching with me can help youdevelop emotional intelligence,
allowing you to regulate yourown emotions and respond
effectively to others whenthey're emotional.
During conversations, applyingnonviolent communication.
(01:02:33):
I may introduce the principlesof nonviolent communication,
emphasizing empathy, honesty andnonjudgmental language to
create understanding.
Number seven navigatingdifficult conversations.
I can assist you in walkingthrough different challenging
(01:02:55):
conversations that have alreadyhappened or that you think are
going to happen with anybody inyour life and give you
strategies for managing thoseconflicts and diffusing them
while maintaining a supportivetone.
Number eight tailoringcommunication to different
situation.
Coaching with me will help youadapt your communication style
(01:03:19):
to different contexts anddifferent individuals, ensuring
that your language remainssupportive regardless of the
circumstances.
Building number nine buildingtrust and rapport.
Through coaching with me, youcan learn techniques for
building trust and rapport withothers through their words and
(01:03:40):
actions, laying your foundationfor effective communication.
Number 10, sustaining growth anddevelopment.
I provide you with ongoingsupport in a safe environment,
with accountability andreal-time diagnosis of
conversations that have alreadyhappened and helping you frame
(01:04:03):
them in a different way andthink about them in a different
way, which will then help youcontinuously refine your
communication skills and embedsupportive language into your
daily interactions.
Trying to do this on your owncan be challenging, as it's
difficult to objectively assessyour own communication patterns
and behaviors, much less that ofothers, when you're already
(01:04:27):
feeling and experiencing aninflamed situation or
relationship.
That's where coaching with mecomes in.
I'll provide you with anexternal perspective, guidance
and personalized, compassionatestrategies tailored to your
unique needs and objectives.
Investing in communicationcoaching will have far-reaching
(01:04:50):
benefits to you, both personallyand professionally.
It will lead to strongerrelationships, improved teamwork
, enhanced leadership skills,increased effectiveness in you
achieving your desired goals andoutcomes, and you'll be happier
, healthier and strongeremotionally, mentally,
(01:05:12):
physically and spiritually.
So if you're looking to elevateyour communication skills and
unlock your full potential orput a stop to negative
communication habits that youare using on others or that
others are using on you tocontrol or dominate, consider
(01:05:32):
working with a coach whospecializes in this area, such
as myself.
I have witnessed thetransformative power of
communication coaching incountless individuals, teams and
couples, and that includes inmyself.
I have hired coaches to help mewith this very thing so I could
(01:05:53):
get it sorted in my own life andrelationships before I started
helping others, and I'mconfident that together we can
unlock your communicationpotential and help you thrive in
both your personal andprofessional life, as well as
put a stop to these behaviorswhen they are used against or on
.
You Start with a 30-minutesession or you can schedule a
(01:06:18):
free consult with me to feel meout, and you can do that at
contactdrdarhawkscom.
I invite you to do that rightnow.
I truly feel for you andempathize with you.
If you're experiencing any ofthese behaviors, please don't
dismiss them or sweep them underthe rug by saying, oh, it only
(01:06:39):
happened for the first time lastweek.
These behaviors build and growexponentially over time, so I do
invite you to address it andreceive coaching right away.
Thank you so much for yourlistening and I look forward to
connecting with you in the nextepisode or when you take the
(01:07:00):
Relationship Needs Quiz atneedsdrdarhawkscom or via a free
consult or coaching session atcontactcom.
No-transcript.
Welcome to Episode 65 of the Better Relationships
Podcast.
I'm Dr Dar, your host andrelationship and communication
coach and healer.
Today I'm talking about thewords that you choose actually
guide the results that you get.
Here's some communicationadvice for you in this episode.
(00:21):
The words you use can have ahuge impact on your
relationships.
Day-to-day, moment-to-momentinteractions how you talk to the
people you care about and howthey talk to you can either
bring you closer together orpush you apart, leading to
(00:42):
misunderstanding, hurt feelings,resentment and even
long-lasting pain for bothyourself and them.
Today, my focus is on sharingthe difference between power and
control language and supportivelanguage, and why making the
shift will benefit you, whetherother people follow suit or not.
(01:06):
Just to give you a smallexample the difference between a
two-letter word and afour-letter word of how the
words you choose can make a hugedifference.
Earlier I said how you talk topeople you care about and how
they talk to you.
Just a switch of one word willmake a big difference how you
(01:31):
talk with people you care aboutand how they talk with you.
The word to is construed aspower and control language.
It's hierarchical, it istalking down, but talking with
you is very inclusive language.
It's supportive language.
(01:52):
It immediately draws you inenergetically.
Let's take a closer look at thedifference between power and
control language versussupportive, compassionate
language, now that I've givenyou a little teaser and a taste.
The way you communicate can makeor break your relationships and
(02:12):
make or break your day, and youcan help your relationships
grow with trust and closeness,or you can cause distance and
disconnection in every or anyconversation that you have.
Think about how it would feelto choose words that truly lift
(02:32):
people up, including yourself.
Speaking with kindness andpurpose creates a safe space
where trust and honesty canflourish.
In contrast, using languagethat's about power or control
often leaves people feeling shutdown, unheard, upset or distant
(02:55):
.
Supportive language buildstrust and openness and creates a
safe place.
It also creates a mood that'sinviting and warm, while power
and control language oftenbrings fear, anger, worry, angst
, anxiousness and separation,and the energy that goes with
(03:19):
power and control language doesthe same as well the mood that
goes with it.
You have the ability to changeevery conversation for the
better by choosing compassionate, supportive words and also by
listening attentively.
I have seen firsthand in my ownlife and that of my clients how
(03:44):
moving from criticism toencouragement can bring people
closer together.
Let's now explore how usingsupportive language not only
strengthens your relationships,but also helps you and those
around you enjoy happier,healthier and more fulfilling
interactions.
(04:05):
Power and control languagehappens when someone speaks or
acts in a way that tries todominate, pressure, control or
manipulate either another person, an agenda or what that person
wants to have happen.
If you've ever felt ignored,pushed into something or like
(04:27):
your opinions didn't matterduring a conversation, you may
have experienced this.
Or if you shared aboutsomething with someone and they
immediately start talking abouttheir own experiences and
stories, you may haveexperienced this.
The main goal of power andcontrol language is to take
(04:50):
charge, potentially over someoneelse, over the results, over
the conversation, or just toexude self-importance.
It's not just about being upsetor disagreeing.
It's about overruling the otherperson's feelings, thoughts or
choices to get what one wants.
(05:10):
The main goal of power andcontrol language is to take
charge over someone else, overthe results, or just to exude
self-importance.
To exude self-importance, it'snot just about being upset or
disagreeing.
It's about overruling the otherperson's feelings, thoughts or
(05:31):
choices to get what one wants,or to only focus on themselves
Self-absorption in other words.
This kind of language can behard to spot because it can be
both obvious and subtle.
Sometimes it's clear, such asusing orders or making threats
or giving ultimatums.
(05:52):
Other times it's hidden and itchips away at your confidence by
using guilt or twisting wordsto control how you feel or act,
or twisting words to control howyou feel or act.
Learning to notice thesepatterns and how to address them
(06:12):
in a subtle way is an importantfirst step towards healthier
communication and standing upfor yourself in relationships
without conflict orassertiveness.
The best way to recognize it isto play close attention to how
you feel and what your body'sphysiological response or
reaction is.
(06:33):
What I mean by physiologicalresponse is that your body will
react and give you signals insituations.
It could be an increased heartrate, feeling beaten down,
feeling like something's off, orlike you have no choice but to
accept the situation you're infeeling tense or anxious, tight
(06:54):
shoulders, a sore neck, aheadache, sweating or even a
knot in your stomach.
There are many physiologicalresponses and it's important for
you to tune into your body toidentify what yours are and what
they're trying.
Shaking when you feel unsafe,you might start crying when you
(07:28):
feel like you can't say whatneeds to be said, those are just
a few examples and every personhas a different or unique
physiological response todifferent situations.
These physical cues areindicators that power and
control language may be at work.
Once you start recognizingthese signs, it becomes easier
(07:50):
to identify the underlyingdynamics in your conversation.
You can then make informeddecisions about how you want to
respond and set boundaries toprotect yourself and set
boundaries to protect yourself.
Let's dive into the varioustypes of power and control, like
domination, manipulation,coercion, silencing and more
(08:13):
Recognizing power and controllanguage.
Let's be real and truthfulabout the way power and control
can show up in your words andthe words of others, because
understanding it is the firststep towards building the loving
, respectful relationships youcrave and deserve, not only for
yourself and of yourself, butalso from others.
(08:36):
The first thing I want to sharewith you is that power and
control language is aboutdomination.
This happens when someone useslanguage to put themselves above
others or expects totalobedience.
It's that overwhelming feelingwhen your voice is not even
given a chance to be heard.
Here are some examples ofdomination in marriage or family
(09:01):
type relationships.
Here are some examples of whatdomination in a marriage or
family relationships or, frankly, any relationship looks like.
Number one giving orders withoutdiscussion.
One partner says you'll do whatI say because I'm in charge
here, or some variation of thatsounds really good which then
(09:21):
shuts down any conversation orany shared decision making.
Number two controlling money.
A spouse decides how everydollar is spent, gives an
allowance or withholds money aspunishment, making the other
person financially dependent andunable to make their own
choices.
As a side note, these examplesI'm providing are more on the
(09:46):
exaggerated side.
There are varying degrees ofstrength, forcefulness with
these examples I'm going toshare throughout this episode.
So it's really important thatyou're aware of the more extreme
examples I'm giving you so thatyou can start discerning
(10:06):
whether some of this ishappening in your interactions
or your relationships.
It can be a really mild, verymild case.
However, mild cases, if notaddressed, can become worse in
nature.
The third example is limitingsocial connections.
One partner stops the otherfrom seeing friends or family,
(10:29):
saying things like I don't wantyou to talk to them anymore and
that cuts them off from support.
Number four constant monitoringChecking texts, emails, call
logs, where you're going andwhat you're doing without
permission, emails, call logs,where you're going and what
you're doing without permission,and always needing to know
where the other person is, whilecalling it protection or caring
(10:51):
or love.
Number five ignoring opinions,repeatedly saying things like
you don't know what you'retalking about, or brushing off a
partner's ideas and feelingswhen making family decisions or
just having regularconversations.
Number six using threats orfear Threatening, such as if you
(11:12):
leave me, you'll be sorry, orif you'll leave me, I'll just
hurt myself, or using scaryactions like slamming doors or
yelling to make someone afraidover time and force them to give
in or not challenge them.
Number seven having doublestandards, setting rules that
(11:33):
only apply to one person, suchas one spouse can go out while
insisting the other stays homeand claims that we're doing this
because it's for our own good,or it's for the children, or the
house needs to be taken care ofand can't be left without
someone here.
Number eight making all thedecisions.
(11:54):
For example, one parent decideseverything about the kid's
schooling routines or disciplinewithout asking for the other
partner's thoughts or feelingsor opinions.
Number nine the silenttreatment, withdrawing affection
or refusing to talk until theother person gives in and does
(12:15):
what they want.
Number 10, putting downachievements, making light of or
mocking a family member'ssuccesses by saying something
like anyone could have done thatit's nothing special, in order
to keep them feeling lessimportant and less than who they
are.
Number 11, name-calling.
(12:36):
This makes you feel ashamed orsmall, like being told you're so
lazy.
Even little insults can damageyour self-esteem, and especially
when they're made withinearshot of other people.
Number 12, threats that try toforce you to do something, such
as if you don't do this, I'llleave, or if you don't do this,
(12:59):
I'm going to stop giving you anallowance, or if you don't do
this, I won't go groceryshopping with you anymore.
These are meant to control youand are not designed to have an
honest conversation.
Number 13, gaslighting whensomeone acts like your feelings
or memories aren't real or yourexperiences don't count, saying
(13:20):
things like you're overreacting,that never happened, and this
can make you question yourselfand if it happens often enough,
you doubt yourself repeatedly.
Now I'd like to give you somereal-life examples based on what
my clients have come to me tohelp them with over the last two
or more decades.
(13:40):
Names have been changed toprotect and respect the
confidentiality of my clients.
Number one complete financialcontrol.
Maria's husband handles alltheir money and won't let her
access their bank accounts orcredit cards.
When Maria asks for money forgroceries or personal care needs
(14:01):
, he says you don't need toworry about that, I'll take care
of it.
He criticizes how she spends,calls her irresponsible with
money and only gives her smallamounts if she does what he
wants.
Over time, maria feels stuckand powerless and unable to make
decisions about her own life.
(14:24):
Number two controlling sociallife.
After Tom and Leslie gotmarried, tom started deciding
which friends he could see.
He would say things like Idon't like the way your friends
influence you or if you reallyloved me, you'd spend more time
with me and my family.
Instead, whenever Leslie triesto meet an old friend, tom picks
(14:48):
a fight or makes her feelguilty until she cancels.
She ends up feeling moreisolated and depends on Tom more
and more for social support,until he is her only support.
Number three dictating everydayroutines In their home.
Mark insists on strict rulesabout when meals are eaten, how
(15:11):
chores are done and even what TVshows his partner can watch.
If everything isn't doneexactly his way, he accuses his
partner of being disrespectful.
Saying things like partner ofbeing disrespectful.
Saying things like if you lovedme, you'd do things my way.
If you cared, you'd do it myway.
(15:34):
Eventually, his partner stopssharing opinions or making
suggestions out of fear ofupsetting him.
Number four withholdingaffection and communication.
Whenever Jen disagrees with herpartner or something he does,
he gives her the silenttreatment, sometimes for days.
He ignores her until sheapologizes or agrees with him.
(15:55):
This makes Jen anxious anddesperate to make peace, so she
stops sharing her true feelingsand lets him make all the
decisions.
Number five publicembarrassment At family or
gatherings with friends.
Robert mocks his wife's ideasor achievements in front of
others.
Don't listen to her, shedoesn't know what she's talking
(16:17):
about, he says.
He laughs and scoffs at herefforts to join conversations
and points out small mistakes inpublic.
Over time, his wife withdrawsfrom group conversations and
loses confidence in herself andin speaking up.
Number six making parentingdecisions alone.
(16:37):
Sophie tries discussing schooloptions for their child with her
husband, but he ignores all ofher suggestions.
I know what's best, just trustme, he says.
He signs their child up foractivities without talking to
Sophie first, or even talking totheir child, and later blames
her if problems come up.
(16:58):
This wouldn't have happened ifyou hadn't interfered, he says.
Each of these examples showdomination through controlling
money, social life, dailyroutines, emotions, confidence
or shared responsibilities,often leaving the other person
feeling powerless and ignored.
(17:18):
Let's now talk aboutmanipulation.
Sometimes conversations can getso confusing that you start
doubting yourself or makingchoices that don't feel right.
This is a form of manipulationwhen someone uses confusion or
guilt to influence your actions.
Here are some examples ofmanipulation in family
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relationships, marriage or,truth be told, any relationship.
Number one gaslighting Onepartner keeps denying or
twisting the truth, making theother person question their
memory, perceptions or sanity,for example.
That never happened, you'rejust imagining it, even when it
(18:01):
clearly did happen.
Number two guilt tripping,saying things like after all,
I've done for you, you can't dothis one thing for me, to make
the other person feel guilty andgive in.
Number three playing the victimAlways.
Number three playing the victimAlways acting like the injured
(18:22):
party in arguments to avoidresponsibility, accountability
and to get sympathy.
Making the other person feel atfault, even if it's partially
at fault, if not completely.
Number four the silenttreatment, refusing to talk or
show affection as a way topunish someone until they give
(18:44):
in or apologize, even if theydidn't do anything wrong.
Number five twisting your words,changing what someone said to
make them seem unreasonable orselfish, for example, so you
don't care about my feelings atall, after a simple request for
personal space.
Number six withholdinginformation, keeping important
(19:08):
details from a spouse or familymember on purpose to keep
control over decisions.
Number seven emotionalblackmail Using phrases like if
you really loved me, you'd dothis to manipulate your feelings
and pressure you into doingsomething you don't want to do.
Number eight creating doubt,regularly questioning a
(19:29):
partner's choice or abilities,with comments like are you sure
you can handle that?
To chip away at theirconfidence and make them more
dependent.
Number nine triangulationInvolving a third party or a
fourth party or a fifth partyinvolving others in
disagreements to gang up on oneperson or influence the outcome
(19:52):
of an argument or situation.
Number 10, conditionalaffection showing love, praise
or approval only when someonemeets certain expectations.
For example, I'm proud of youwhen you listen to me.
And an additional note hereit's not about being proud of
(20:13):
when you listen to them, it'sabout you taking the actions and
doing what they said to do,because just the act of
listening is being there andacknowledging what you heard.
The action is somethingcompletely different from
listening.
Here's what manipulation canlook like in a marriage or
family relationship.
(20:34):
Number one twisting words.
Maria asked her husband Davidfor an evening to herself.
Maria asked her husband Davidfor an evening to herself to
relax and recharge.
Instead of understanding herneed for personal space, david
responded sharply.
So you're saying you don't careabout my feelings at all?
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I guess spending time with mejust isn't important to you.
Maria felt guilty and silenced,even though she had made a
reasonable request.
Number two withholdinginformation.
Terry managed the family'sfinances and deliberately didn't
tell his wife Jen about a largeupcoming expense.
(21:18):
When Jen found out later, terrydismissed her concerns.
I didn't think it was necessaryto worry you by keeping her in
the dark.
Terry dismissed her concerns.
I didn't think it was necessaryto worry you.
By keeping her in the dark,terry maintained control over
financial decisions and left Jenpowerless.
Number three emotional blackmail.
Whenever Sarah wanted to visither parents for the weekend, her
(21:39):
husband Mark would say if youreally loved me, you'd want to
spend your weekends with meinstead of them.
This made Sarah feel tornbetween her love for her family
and the fear of hurting Mark'sfeelings.
Number four creating doubt.
After Emily shared her plans toapply for a new job, her
(22:00):
partner Alex often questionedher abilities.
Are you sure you can handlethat kind of responsibility.
Maybe it's too much for you.
Over time, emily began doubtingherself and hesitated to pursue
opportunities without Alex'sapproval.
Number five triangulation.
During an argument betweensiblings, their mother sided
(22:27):
with one child by telling theother your brother agrees with
me.
Maybe if you listened more,like he does, we wouldn't have
these problems.
This approach not only isolatesone child, but also manipulates
both into competing forapproval.
Number six conditionalaffection.
Whenever their teenage daughterfollowed instructions exactly
(22:47):
as asked, mr Kim would praiseher I'm proud of you when you
listen to me and do as I say.
Most people, however, would sayI'm proud of you when you
listen to me, but what they'rereally saying is I'm proud of
you because you did what I saidto do.
However, if she expressedindependent thoughts or
disagreed with him, he wouldwithdraw affection and become
(23:09):
distant.
The message was clear Love andapproval were dependent on
compliance.
Number seven coercion throughthreats.
When Lisa questioned a majorpurchase that John wanted to
make, he threatened by saying ifyou don't trust my judgment on
this, maybe we shouldn't bemaking decisions together at all
.
Lisa felt intimidated andagreed against her better
(23:33):
judgment to avoid conflict orfurther threats.
Each of these examplesillustrates common forms of
manipulation in closerelationships.
These are all subtle or overtactions that undermine trust and
autonomy, while maintainingcontrol and power over another
person.
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Let's now talk about coercion.
If you've ever felt forced orthreatened into agreeing with
something that goes against yourbeliefs or values or morality,
that is coercion.
Here are examples of coercionin a marriage Threatening to
leave or withhold affectionunless the partner gives in to
(24:17):
demands.
Pressuring a spouse to makefinancial choices or sign papers
they're uncomfortable with.
Pushing for sex by using guilt,threats or emotional
manipulation, saying things likeif you loved me, you would,
using fear of conflict or angerto get agreement.
If you don't do this, you knowI'll get really upset.
(24:38):
And the fear is instilled fromthe times when anger does show
up, because it can be reallyscary when that person blows up,
so you do everything you can toavoid it.
Limiting contact with family,friends or support systems to
gain control.
Criticizing or undermining apartner's confidence so they
(25:01):
feel unable to say no, makingdecisions or setting rules
without discussion and expectingobedience.
Saying things like this is whatwe're doing, end of story,
we're not discussing it anymore.
Or threatening to revealsecrets or private information
if the partner doesn't comply.
Here's what coercion can looklike in a marriage.
(25:23):
Here's what coercion can looklike in a marriage Threatening
to leave or withhold affection.
Sarah felt uneasy whenever sheand her husband Mark disagreed,
(25:46):
whether it was about familyplans, raising their kids or
household issues.
Mark would threaten to move outor stop talking to her until
she agreed with him.
Over time, sarah started goingalong with what he wanted, just
to avoid the threat of beingleft alone or ignored.
Number two pressuring financialdecisions.
Raj wanted a new car, but hiswife, priya, wasn't comfortable
with the expense.
Raj kept pressuring her everyday and calling her selfish for
(26:07):
hesitating.
Finally, he put loan documentsin front of her and said sign
these now or I'll never trustyou again.
Feeling trapped and anxious,priya signed, even though she
didn't want to.
Number three guilt and sexualcoercion.
Julia was often tired afterwork and doing the chores once
(26:28):
she got home and didn't alwayswant intimacy.
Her husband Tom would saythings like if you really loved
me, you'd want to be close, andsometimes accused her of being
unfaithful if she refused.
Julia started saying yes evenwhen she didn't want to, because
saying no led to tension andaccusations.
(26:48):
This also leads to sexual abusesituations which I'm not going
to delve into today.
Number four using fear ofconflict.
Number four whenever Marydisagreed, like when considering
a job that meant moving, herhusband, john, would yell and
(27:10):
get visibly angry.
If you don't do this with me,you know how upset I'll get.
Do you really want anotherfight?
Scared of his reactions, maryjust stopped sharing her
opinions altogether and justwent with what John wanted.
This slowly eroded herhappiness, her sense of
well-being, and startedaffecting her physical health.
(27:32):
Number five isolating fromfamily or friends.
David disliked how much hiswife Lisa talked with her sister
.
Whenever Lisa made plans orcalled home, david complained
until she canceled.
I can't believe.
You'd rather be with them thanme.
Eventually he gave her anultimatum If you keep choosing
(27:53):
them over me, don't expect me tostay around.
Lisa slowly lost contact withher support system because of
this.
Number six underminingconfidence.
Anna's husband constantlycriticized her, from what she
wore to how she managed money,and told her she was not capable
.
You're too naive, just let mehandle it.
(28:15):
Hearing this over and over madeAnna lose confidence until she
stopped objecting at all.
Number seven imposing ruleswithout discussion.
When big family decisions cameup, like moving homes or setting
household rules, ethan wouldjust announce what was happening
.
This is what we're doing.
End of story.
If Emily protested, ethandismissed her concerns as
(28:39):
unimportant.
Number eight threateningexposure of personal information
.
After Julia shared sensitiveinformation from her past with
Michael during a vulnerablemoment, he later used it as
leverage during arguments.
If you don't do what I want,maybe your parents will find out
about your past.
(28:59):
Julia ducked because she fearedhe might reveal her secrets if
she didn't go along with him.
Here's a side note.
I'm very aware that in theseexamples I am using examples
with women and men more focusedon the men participating in
these behaviors.
(29:20):
That's only because these areclient examples and their
identities and confidentialityis being protected.
Both genders participate inthese behaviors, either as the
victim or the perpetrator, so Ijust wanted to make that note
and call that out in case you'rewondering about that.
(29:42):
Let's now talk about silencing.
Your feelings are importantwhen someone or anyone ignores
or dismisses what you say.
It can make you feel unheardand over time, this hurts your
self-esteem.
Here are some examples ofsilencing.
Number one interrupting ortalking over.
One person regularly cuts offor talks over the other, showing
(30:07):
that their thoughts or feelingsaren't welcome.
Number two being dismissivewhen one person shares something
meaningful and the otherreplies with you're overreacting
or that's not a big deal orthat's not important, making
your emotions seem unimportant.
Number three ignoring or givingthe silent treatment, refusing
(30:29):
to talk, ignoring attempts atconversation or walking away
when the other person tries tospeak.
Number four changing thesubject Quickly, steering the
conversation away from toughtopics or topics that they don't
want to deal with.
That creates the space to todeal with.
That creates the space to avoiddealing with concerns or issues
.
(30:50):
Number five mocking or usingsarcasm.
Making fun of or using sarcasmwhen a spouse tries to
communicate, causing them tofeel foolish for speaking up.
Number six withholdinginformation, keeping important
information as secret or notanswering questions, leaving the
(31:11):
other person feeling left outand powerless.
Number seven double standardsexpecting one person to listen
but not offering the samerespect in return, but not
offering the same respect inreturn.
Number eight downplayingexperiences, saying things like
you're being too sensitive orit's not that serious anytime
you bring up an issue.
Number nine threateningconsequences for speaking up,
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using emotional withdrawal,anger or guilt tripping to
punish you for expressing yourconcerns.
Number 10, belittlingachievements or ideas.
Brushing off suggestions oraccomplishments as unimportant,
sending the message that yourvoice doesn't matter.
Here are some examples ofsilencing in a marriage the
(31:57):
unheard voice.
Melissa tries to talk abouttheir finances with her husband,
sean.
Every time she brings it up,sean sighs and says here we go
again.
You always worry too much.
If Melissa keeps trying toexplain her concerns, sean
interrupts her there's nothingto talk about.
Let's not start this tonight.
Eventually Melissa stopsbringing it up because she feels
(32:19):
her thoughts don't matter.
Example number two changing thesubject.
When Brandon shares that hewishes they spent more quality
time together, his wife, lisa,quickly changes the topic.
Did you remember to pay theelectricity bill?
She ignores his feelings and ifBrandon pushes further, lisa
gets up and leaves the room.
He ends up feeling alone andlike his needs don't count.
(32:43):
Example number three mockery anddismissal.
Sarah tells her husband Markthat she feels lonely since he
spends most evenings out withfriends and most weekends out
golfing.
Mark laughs and sayssarcastically oh no, are you
lonely again?
Maybe you should get a hobby.
Sarah feels embarrassed andstops talking about her feelings
(33:07):
.
Example number four withholdinginformation.
Jessica asks her husband ifthere's any news about his job
after hearing rumors of layoffsat work.
He shrugs and says nothing youneed to worry about refusing to
share details or answer herquestions.
Jessica then feels left out ofdecisions that affect both of
(33:27):
them and she feels her safetyand security becoming more
unstable.
Example number five threateningconsequences for speaking up.
Whenever Ahmed brings upconcerns about their parenting
choices, his wife Maya getsangry, slamming doors or giving
(33:48):
him the silent treatment fordays.
Ahmed then starts avoidingthese conversations just to keep
things calm and keep the peace.
Example number six minimizingexperiences.
When Priya tells her husbandArun she's stressed from
juggling work and homeresponsibilities, he says you're
just being dramatic.
(34:08):
Everybody does it, it's nothing.
Priya then starts doubtingwhether her feelings are valid.
Example number seven belittlingideas or achievements.
At dinner with friends, emilymentions an idea for starting a
small business with her friend.
Her husband scoffs and saysloudly Emily always has these
(34:30):
dreams.
She never follows through.
Anyway.
Emily feels embarrassed andstops sharing her ideas with
others and gives up on herdreams.
These examples show howsilencing someone else can be
obvious or subtle, but it alwaysmakes it harder for one person
to express themselves in therelationship.
(34:52):
Now let's talk about gaslighting.
If someone denies what happenedor makes you doubt your own
memories, truth, morality orexperience or values, they're
using gaslighting to make youlose trust in yourself.
Here are some examples ofgaslighting in an intimate
(35:13):
relationship.
Also, keep in mind that allthese behaviors can occur in any
type of relationship and theyoccur in different, differing
degrees.
You know, a friend might do itone time but then never again,
or it's a recurring, slowlyemerging pattern in a
(35:34):
relationship.
Here are some examples ofgaslighting in an intimate
relationship.
Number one denying events.
One partner insists that neverhappened.
When the other mentions aspecific argument or hurtful
comment, over time, this canmake the other person question
their own memory and judgment.
(35:56):
Number two twisting facts.
When called out for beinginsensitive, a spouse says
you're too sensitive, I was justjoking.
You always overreact, makingthe other person feel
unreasonable for having feelingsand questioning themselves.
Number three blaming the victim.
After shouting or getting angry, one partner says if you didn't
(36:18):
act that way, I wouldn't haveto yell, putting the blame on
the other person instead oftaking responsibility.
Number four the other personinstead of taking responsibility
.
Number four withholdinginformation.
A spouse keeps importantdetails or decisions secret and
later claims I told you aboutthis already, you must have
forgotten which causes confusionand self-doubt.
(36:39):
Number five underminingconfidence when one partner
shares, doubts or concerns theother responds with you're just
imagining things.
You always make problems wherethere aren't any and this makes
the other person distrust theirown feelings and thoughts and
themselves.
Number six creating confusion.
(37:00):
A spouse often changes a person, often changes stories about
events or conversations andinsists the other person is
wrong if any inconsistencies arepointed out.
Number seven minimizingfeelings.
When someone shares theiremotions and hears the response,
(37:21):
you're being dramatic.
It's not a big deal.
Their real feelings andexperiences are dismissed.
Now let me give you whatgaslighting actually looks like
in a relationship.
Number one twisting the truth.
Martha noticed her husbandpulling away when she told him
how hurt she felt after heignored her at dinner with
friends.
(37:41):
Steve said that didn't happen.
You're remembering it wrong.
Everyone saw I was payingattention to you.
Martha then started to questionher own memory and wondered if
she was just being too sensitive.
Number two denying whathappened.
David asked his wife, claireabout some strange charges on
their joint credit card.
(38:02):
Claire replied you must havebought those things yourself and
forgot You've been forgetting alot of things lately.
Even though David was sure hehadn't made those purchases, he
started to doubt himself.
Number three blaming the otherperson.
When Emily told her husbandMark that his criticism hurt her
(38:23):
, mark shot back.
If you weren't so emotional allthe time, I wouldn't get angry.
Instead of discussing what hurther, mark shot back.
If you weren't so emotional allthe time, I wouldn't get angry.
Instead of discussing whatbothered her, emily ended up
apologizing for her feelings.
Number four hiding the truth.
Jake made a big financialdecision without telling his
wife, sarah.
When she found out and askedhim about it, jake calmly said I
(38:47):
told you about this weeks ago.
You just don't listen orremember.
Sarah felt confused and guiltyfor supposedly forgetting
something important.
Doubt yourself.
Number five making you doubtyourself.
When Priscilla brought upworries about her husband's late
nights at work, alex dismissedher.
(39:08):
You're paranoid.
You're always imagining thingsthat aren't real.
Over time, priscilla stoppedtrusting herself and stayed
quiet about her concerns,meanwhile losing trust in her
relationship and feelingbetrayed.
Number six creating doubt andconfusion.
(39:28):
Whenever Lisa mentioned anargument from earlier in the
week, her husband insisted itnever happened or claimed she
exaggerated about what was said.
Lisa then started finding ithard to trust her own memories
and question them, because Dan'sversion always contradicted
hers.
Number seven dismissing yourfeelings.
(39:50):
Daniel tried to explain howneglected he felt because of his
wife's busy schedule.
She sighed and said you'rebeing dramatic.
It's not like I'm ignoring youon purpose.
His feelings were brushed offas unimportant or overreacting.
Lying.
One of the most harmful tacticsin emotional manipulation is
(40:12):
lying.
This means twisting the truth,denying what really happened or
making up stories to confuse youand make themselves look
perfect or innocent.
The manipulator tries toconvince you that only they are
telling the truth, only they canbe your savior and you
shouldn't trust anyone else orany evidence that disagrees with
(40:34):
them.
This makes it hard to tellwhat's real and what's not,
what's factual and what isn't,and this gives the manipulator
more control over your thoughtsand actions.
For instance, when Miaconfronted her partner about a
suspicious text message, heinsisted it was a wrong number
or a silly joke, even thoughthere was clear evidence
(40:55):
otherwise.
This ongoing dishonesty madeMia lose trust in her own
judgment and left her wonderingif she was just being paranoid
or too sensitive, or if her mind.
If she was losing her mind, itcan leave someone feeling
confused, doubting their ownmemory and even questioning
their sanity.
(41:16):
Now I want to cover the impactof power and control language.
If you've ever felt ignored,put down or invisible during a
conversation.
You've experienced how powerand control language can quietly
damage trust and lower yourself-esteem.
When someone uses words tocontrol or belittle you or
(41:40):
others, it creates an unhealthyenvironment and the person on
the receiving end feelspowerless, unheard and
potentially trapped.
It's important to remember thatif this happened to you, it's
not your fault and unfortunately, it happens more often than
most people think and even moreunfortunately, most people who
(42:02):
are on the receiving end do notknow how to stop it.
They don't know how to stop itwithout creating more conflict
or hurting other people'sfeelings, or being a stand for
themselves, without creating anaggressive situation Over time.
Hearing controlling languageagain and again doesn't just
(42:24):
hurt your feelings.
It can seriously affect youremotional health, leading to
anxiety, depression, illness andeven trauma.
It is painful, but I want youto know change is absolutely
possible.
The effects of this kind oflanguage aren't limited to your
personal life.
It can spread into yourcommunities and workplaces,
(42:48):
making inequality worse andkeeping systems of unfairness in
place.
But by noticing these patternsfirst, by paying attention to
both the words you use and whyyou use them and why others use
them, you can help make thingsbetter.
And by paying attention to whatsignals and signs your body's
(43:10):
telling you, you can also helpto start shifting things.
You absolutely can build betterrelationships based on respect
and understanding.
It starts with choosing openand honest communication with
yourself that values both yourown worth and your own
independence and that of others.
Every move you make towardskinder conversations is a win,
(43:34):
not just for you, but also foryour relationships and for a
more peaceful world.
Your voice is important and youdeserve to be listened to with
kindness and respect, and it'shard to know how to make that
happen when you're in this kindof relationship, and that's
where I can help.
Please schedule a free,no-obligation consultation with
(43:58):
me at contactdrdarhawkscom.
That's contactdrdarhaw s dotcom.
Please don't wait.
You are way too important to mefor you to continue
experiencing this in yourrelationship.
Power and control.
(44:19):
Language can sneak into yourlife in countless ways,
sometimes so subtly that it'shard to notice and pinpoint.
Ways sometimes so subtly thatit's hard to notice and pinpoint
.
That's why I encourage you tostay aware not just of how
others speak to you, but alsohow you speak with yourself and
those around you and, moreimportantly, how you feel during
and after the conversations,noticing these patterns and
(44:44):
what's happening with your bodyis the very first step towards
creating relationships built onrespect and equality.
If you've experienced thesebehaviors, please remember.
Your feelings and thoughtsmatter.
It's normal to feel anxiouswhen you're always waiting for
the next harsh comment or suddensilence.
(45:05):
Over time, this can chip awayat your self-esteem and make you
doubt your own self-worth.
This can make it hard for youto handle even simple daily
tasks and lowers yourproductivity.
You may even struggle tofunction or think clearly
throughout the day.
When communication is used tocontrol instead of understand,
(45:27):
it slowly damages yourrelationship and your emotional,
mental, physical and spiritualhealth.
It is exhausting and isolatingwhen fear takes the place of
honesty and safety, when everyconversation feels like a trap
instead of an opportunity toconnect.
However, by shining a light onthese behaviors, you can take
(45:50):
back your power and your voicewithin yourself first, then with
others.
The first step is for you toregain your confidence, esteem,
truth, power and voice.
You may think that the personusing power and control language
is the person who must change,and while that is true, they may
(46:12):
be less likely to do so.
However, I can show you how tocreate changes in how that
person communicates with you byshifting your energy, how you
respond and how you interactwith them, we will transform the
words you use and the mindsetthat you come to, the
(46:34):
conversation and the energy ofwhat your body's doing when you
interact with them.
When we work on your energy,thoughts, feelings and
communication approach, changeswill slowly start to occur in
your interactions.
If you're dealing with someonewho uses power and control
(46:55):
language with you and you wantit to stop, book a coaching
session with me.
Just one session, oneconversation, and let's shift it
.
Today you can book a session atcontactdrdarhawkscom.
You absolutely can break freefrom the cycle of control and
(47:15):
create healthier relationshipdynamics by choosing connection
over isolation, understandingover fear and pave the way for
relationships built on trust andlove.
And it does start with youfirst.
Choosing supportive languageencourages empathy,
understanding and collaboration.
(47:37):
Now that I've thoroughlycovered power and control
language examples, let's talkabout the benefits of using
supportive language.
Let's talk about the benefitsof using supportive language.
These benefits extend farbeyond just your surface level.
Per pleasant conversations.
(48:04):
When you communicate withcompassion, you create emotional
safety, which is a vitalfoundation for any human
relationship and interaction.
This safety then invitesopenness and vulnerability,
allowing both parties to shareopenly, without fear.
When you speak from a place ofempathy, you build bridges, not
walls, and you require fewerboundaries.
Using compassionate, supportivecommunication helps deepen your
(48:28):
relationships by validatingeach other's worth and
experiences, it transforms yourinteractions into moments of
trust-building and mutualrespect and equality, as well as
reciprocity.
Supporting others and yourselfthrough your words can soften
(48:49):
conflicts, heal wounds andempower both individuals to
thrive together.
Let's now compare the twocommunication styles and its
impact on relationships.
When looking at communicationstyles, it becomes clear how
each style affects yourrelationships.
(49:10):
These two approaches shapetrust and emotional safety in
very different ways.
Power and control languagecreates a toxic environment
where fear, resentment, wherefear, resentment, loss of self,
loss of productivity, depression, anxiety, worry can happen.
(49:32):
And here are some of theimpacts of that Erosion of trust
.
When one partner usesdomination or manipulation, the
other feels unsafe sharingthoughts or feelings.
Emotional withdrawal, constantexposure to threats or sarcasm
leads to shutting downemotionally as a protective
(49:53):
mechanism.
Heightened anxiety, livingunder coercion creates chronic
stress that damages mental andphysical well-being as well as
the relationship.
Supportive language acts as abridge.
It builds connection throughrespect, empathy, equality and
encouragement.
Its effects include mutualrespect, where individuals feel
(50:18):
seen and heard and valued andthat lays a foundation for
openness.
It focuses on cooperation overconflict.
When people feel heard, withoutjudgment, they're more willing
to collaborate on solutions.
And it also creates an openness, a vulnerability that leads to
intimacy.
(50:38):
Safe environments andcommunication invite authentic
sharing and creates a morefulfilling, deeper relationship.
Imagine saying I hear howupsetting this is for you.
That validates emotions whileinviting further dialogue,
instead of dismissive languagesuch as you're being emotional
(51:01):
for no reason, drop it.
Supportive and compassionatecommunication prioritizes
problem solving over winningcompetitiveness or being right.
It promotes understanding,compromise, negotiation and
growth.
A partner might say Iunderstand why this is important
to you.
Let's find a solution thatworks for both of us.
(51:24):
This validates concerns,creates a safe environment while
also seeking common ground.
The choice of communicationstyle significantly influences
the quality of your relationship, the conversation and your
interactions.
Choosing supportive languagerewires your relationship
(51:47):
dynamics from defensive survivalmode into an emotionally safe
place and space where bothpartners can grow together or
both individuals can.
The contrast between these twostyles highlights the influence
your words and the energy youbring with your words and they
(52:09):
bring with theirs have not juston individual feelings, but on
the very health of yourrelationships.
Now I'd like to share.
Now I would like to do a smallcase study with you with two
scenarios to further demonstratethe difference between power
(52:34):
and control language andsupportive language.
Alex and Jordan have beenmarried for five years Recently.
They've experienced frequentarguments about household
responsibilities and decisionmaking.
Here's scenario one with powerand control language.
When discussing chores, alexoften says you never help out
(52:57):
unless I remind you.
If you don't start doing yourpart, I'll just do everything
myself.
This language is accusatory,implies blame and makes Jordan
feel defensive and unappreciated.
Over time, this dynamic erodestrust and intimacy.
Jordan starts withdrawingemotionally, leading to further
(53:19):
breakdowns in communication.
Scenario two supportive andcompassionate language.
Alex tries a new approachsuggested by me.
I've been feeling overwhelmedwith the housework lately.
Can we talk about how we mightshare things more evenly?
By expressing feelings with Istatements and inviting
(53:40):
collaboration, alex createsspace for Jordan to respond
openly.
Jordan feels respected andvalued, which encourages a
positive conversation aboutsolutions.
Together they agree on a newplan that feels fair to both.
The outcome of supportivelanguage is that it shifts the
(54:02):
conversation to supportivelanguage, which builds
understanding, reduces conflictand strengthens the emotional
connection.
Let's now talk about overcomingchallenges to embracing and
implementing supportive andcompassionate communication.
Navigating the shift from powerand control language to support
(54:23):
and compassionate languageisn't easy.
Control language to support andcompassionate language isn't
easy.
Honestly, if it were, there'dbe a lot more people doing it
and fewer using control language.
Communication barriers oftenarise, especially when stress or
emotional exhaustion creeps in.
Is falling back into old habitssuch as sarcasm, blaming,
(54:47):
yelling, arguing or shuttingdown as a defense mechanism
during heated moments.
Here are some practicalapproaches to help overcome
these challenges.
Plan your conversations beforeyou go in and have them.
Think about the words you'regoing to choose.
Pause and breathe.
(55:08):
Taking a moment helps interruptautomatic responses rooted in
control language.
Acknowledge your feelings.
Naming emotions likefrustration or fear lessens
their grip on you and opensspace for your authentic words.
Use I statements.
Share personal experiencesinstead of blaming, and that
(55:29):
will invite understanding ratherthan defensiveness.
Reflective listening, fullyhearing the other person without
planning your response, allowsthe speaker to feel heard and
models how to communicate in acaring way.
Seek input and feedback.
Ask if your or their message isreceived as intended.
That will encourage mutualrespect and growth.
(55:51):
These steps rebuild truststrained by past communication
patterns.
Shifting towards compassionatedialogue requires patience and
time to rewire interactions intobridges of support rather than
walls of control.
(56:12):
Now let me talk about 20benefits of learning and
applying supportive language.
Number one improvedrelationships.
Supportive language createsunderstanding and empathy and
strengthens connections withothers.
Number two conflict resolution.
By promoting open dialogue,supportive language helps
(56:34):
resolve conflicts in aconstructive manner.
Number three emotionalintelligence.
Practicing empathy andemotional awareness enhances
your self-awareness andunderstanding of others.
Number four reduce stress.
Resisting the urge to controlor manipulate reduces tension
and stress and cortisol in bothpersonal and professional
(56:58):
relationships.
Number five enhanced problemsolving.
Supportive language encouragescollaborative problem solving,
leading to more effectivesolutions.
Number six increase trust.
When you and others feelgenuinely heard and understood,
you build trust brick by brick,which then creates that
(57:19):
foundation for healthierrelationships.
Number seven personal growth.
Developing compassionate andsupportive communication skills
promotes personal growth bychallenging ingrained patterns
of control.
Number eight greater influence.
Supportive language is morelikely to inspire others to
(57:40):
listen, consider differentperspectives and cooperate.
Number nine conflict prevention.
By proactively using supportivelanguage, misunderstandings and
conflicts can be preventedbefore they escalate.
Number 10, positive impact onyour mental and emotional health
(58:01):
.
Engaging in compassionatedialogue contributes to overall
well-being, creating a positivemindset and reducing negativity
in your interactions.
Number 11, improved teamdynamics.
Supportive language fosters asense of psychological safety
within teams, encouraging opencommunication and collaboration.
(58:25):
Number 12, enhanced leadershipskills.
Leaders who prioritizesupportive language create a
culture of trust and respect,leading to higher employee
satisfaction and productivity.
Number 13, strengthenedrelationships Consistently using
supportive language strengthenspersonal relationships, deepens
(58:53):
connections and fosters mutualunderstanding.
Number fourteen empoweredcommunication.
By choosing words that upliftand validate others' experiences
, individuals feel empowered toexpress themselves authentically
.
But when you do this for others, you're also doing it for
yourself.
Number 15, inclusive.
Supportive language promotesinclusivity by acknowledging
(59:14):
diverse perspectives andvalidating individuals'
experiences, creating anenvironment of safety where
everyone feels valued.
Number 16, social impact byembodying compassionate
communication, individualscontribute to creating a more
empathetic and compassionatesociety at large.
(59:35):
Number 17, conflict resolutionwhen conflicts do arise,
supportive language facilitateseffective resolution.
Supportive language facilitateseffective resolution, helping
each other find common ground.
Helping each other find commonground and reach mutually
satisfactory solutions.
Number 18, reduce burnoutCreating a supportive
(59:58):
environment through languagereduces the emotional labor
often associated with tenseinteractions.
It will mitigate burnout inboth personal and professional
settings.
Number 19, enhance creativitySupportive language encourages
individuals to share their ideasfreely, creating a climate of
(01:00:21):
innovation and creativity.
Number 20, overall well-beingthe practice of supportive
language not only benefitsrelationships, but also
contributes to your ownemotional well-being, leading to
a more fulfilling andharmonious life.
Now I want to talk about 10 waysthat relationship and
(01:00:42):
communication coaching with mecan help you learn and apply
supportive communication.
Number one buildingself-awareness.
Communication coaching can aidin developing your
self-awareness, helping yourecognize your communication
patterns and that of others inyour life as you share about
(01:01:04):
them, and identify areas forimprovement.
Number two practicing activelistening.
I can guide you in masteringactive listening skills, while
you also experience active andreflective listening, which will
then enable you to fullyunderstand the perspectives of
(01:01:25):
others and respondempathetically.
Number three developing empathy.
Through coaching, you cancultivate empathy, which is a
key component of supportivecommunication, by learning to
put yourself in others' shoesand them in yours, and genuinely
understand each other'semotions.
Number four unlearning negativecommunication habits and mood
(01:01:50):
habits.
I can provide you guidance onunlearning negative
communication habits, such asinterrupting, judging or
dismissing others' opinions, andreplacing them with more
supportive habits and approaches.
In addition to that, as youunlearn these negative
communication habits, you willstart noticing people using them
(01:02:12):
less and less with you.
Number five enhancing emotionalintelligence.
Coaching with me can help youdevelop emotional intelligence,
allowing you to regulate yourown emotions and respond
effectively to others whenthey're emotional.
During conversations, applyingnonviolent communication.
(01:02:33):
I may introduce the principlesof nonviolent communication,
emphasizing empathy, honesty andnonjudgmental language to
create understanding.
Number seven navigatingdifficult conversations.
I can assist you in walkingthrough different challenging
(01:02:55):
conversations that have alreadyhappened or that you think are
going to happen with anybody inyour life and give you
strategies for managing thoseconflicts and diffusing them
while maintaining a supportivetone.
Number eight tailoringcommunication to different
situation.
Coaching with me will help youadapt your communication style
(01:03:19):
to different contexts anddifferent individuals, ensuring
that your language remainssupportive regardless of the
circumstances.
Building number nine buildingtrust and rapport.
Through coaching with me, youcan learn techniques for
building trust and rapport withothers through their words and
(01:03:40):
actions, laying your foundationfor effective communication.
Number 10, sustaining growth anddevelopment.
I provide you with ongoingsupport in a safe environment,
with accountability andreal-time diagnosis of
conversations that have alreadyhappened and helping you frame
(01:04:03):
them in a different way andthink about them in a different
way, which will then help youcontinuously refine your
communication skills and embedsupportive language into your
daily interactions.
Trying to do this on your owncan be challenging, as it's
difficult to objectively assessyour own communication patterns
and behaviors, much less that ofothers, when you're already
(01:04:27):
feeling and experiencing aninflamed situation or
relationship.
That's where coaching with mecomes in.
I'll provide you with anexternal perspective, guidance
and personalized, compassionatestrategies tailored to your
unique needs and objectives.
Investing in communicationcoaching will have far-reaching
(01:04:50):
benefits to you, both personallyand professionally.
It will lead to strongerrelationships, improved teamwork
, enhanced leadership skills,increased effectiveness in you
achieving your desired goals andoutcomes, and you'll be happier
, healthier and strongeremotionally, mentally,
(01:05:12):
physically and spiritually.
So if you're looking to elevateyour communication skills and
unlock your full potential orput a stop to negative
communication habits that youare using on others or that
others are using on you tocontrol or dominate, consider
(01:05:32):
working with a coach whospecializes in this area, such
as myself.
I have witnessed thetransformative power of
communication coaching incountless individuals, teams and
couples, and that includes inmyself.
I have hired coaches to help mewith this very thing so I could
(01:05:53):
get it sorted in my own life andrelationships before I started
helping others, and I'mconfident that together we can
unlock your communicationpotential and help you thrive in
both your personal andprofessional life, as well as
put a stop to these behaviorswhen they are used against or on
.
You Start with a 30-minutesession or you can schedule a
(01:06:18):
free consult with me to feel meout, and you can do that at
contactdrdarhawkscom.
I invite you to do that rightnow.
I truly feel for you andempathize with you.
If you're experiencing any ofthese behaviors, please don't
dismiss them or sweep them underthe rug by saying, oh, it only
(01:06:39):
happened for the first time lastweek.
These behaviors build and growexponentially over time, so I do
invite you to address it andreceive coaching right away.
Thank you so much for yourlistening and I look forward to
connecting with you in the nextepisode or when you take the
(01:07:00):
Relationship Needs Quiz atneedsdrdarhawkscom or via a free
consult or coaching session atcontactcom.
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