September 30, 2025 • 66 mins
I would love to hear from you. What did you think about this episode? Do you have any questions?
Ever been blindsided by “they said” or dragged into someone else’s drama as the designated fixer? We dive into triangulation—the quiet manipulation that pulls a third person into conflict—and show how it erodes trust, fuels jealousy, and keeps problems unsolved. Drawing from real‑world examples in couples, families, and teams, we break down the three shifting roles (victim, persecutor, rescuer), the telltale scripts that signal a triangle forming, and why good intentions often make rescuers part of the problem.
From favoritism that turns siblings into rivals to social posts that weaponize exclusion, we explore how triangulation hooks into core relationship needs—love and belonging, freedom/autonomy, fun, empowerment, and safety. You’ll learn how those needs get hijacked to create dependency and doubt, and how to meet them in healthy, direct ways instead. We share clear, repeatable tools: boundary phrases that close triangles, present‑focused language that invites repair, and simple redirects that move gossip back to the people who can actually fix it.
If you’re tired of carrying secrets, walking on eggshells, or wondering who to trust, this conversation offers a path out: fewer middlemen, more straight talk, and practical steps you can use today. Ready to swap drama for clarity? Subscribe, share this episode with a friend who needs it, and leave a review telling us which boundary you’ll try first.
Welcome to The Better Relationships Podcast with Dr. Dar Hawks, your guide to building stronger, more fulfilling relationships. Each episode dives into Dr. Dar’s proven Relationship Success Framework, offering practical strategies to help you express your needs, handle difficult conversations, and nurture emotional harmony in all your relationships. Ready to understand yourself and your loved ones better? Take the free Primary Relationship Needs Quiz at needs.drdarhawks.com and start your jou
Did you know? Taking the Primary Relationship Needs Quiz doesn’t just give you insight—it also grants you free access to Dr. Dar’s Relationship Education Video Series and the Better Relationships Community. Inside, you’ll find monthly live events, grounded relationship guidance, and exclusive coaching rates—everything designed to help you feel supported and empowered in your relationships. Visit needs.drdarhawks.com to join our community today!
Thanks for listening today! If something in this episode spoke to you, Dr. Dar would love to connect. You can book a consultation here or take the free quiz at needs.drdarhawks.com if you haven't done so yet. This podcast is for coaching support and education only.
Take my free Sovereign Relationship Needs Quiz to discover your Primary Relationship Need @ https://needs.drdarhawks.com. This one thing will help you better understand yourself, communication, and your relationship interactions.
Book a coaching session: https://session.drdarhawks.com
Follow me:
LinkedIn https://linkedin.com/in/drdarhawks
Facebook: https://facebook.com/darshanahawks
Instagram https://instagram.com/dr.dar.hawks
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Welcome to episode 66 of the Better Relationships
(00:04):
Podcast.
I'm Dr.
Dar Hawks, your host andrelationship healer and
communication coach.
I help individuals and couplesheal emotional pain, communicate
effectively, and createstronger, more connected
relationships.
Today's topic is about feelingleft out, unheard, mistrusted,
(00:28):
and confused, along with theemotional toll of being caught
in the middle of conflicts.
So let's get started.
Have you ever found yourselfstuck in the middle of a heated
argument and felt like anoutsider with no say-so?
Maybe you've been caught betweentwo sides that don't get along.
(00:50):
Maybe you've been caught betweentwo sides that don't get along.
And you found yourself unsure ofwho to believe or to stand with.
These experiences can be reallytough emotionally, leaving you
feeling left out, ignored,unsure of who to trust, and
(01:10):
confused.
Carrying this weight can makeyou feel isolated, anxious, and
even depressed.
Today I'm talking about aconcept called triangulation
relationships.
The reason why I want to makeyou aware of what this is, along
with examples, is becausetriangulation is an extremely
(01:33):
common manipulation tactic.
Most people have experienced itin their personal and
professional relationships.
So let me share whattriangulation is.
It occurs when someone brings athird person into a problem or a
conflict instead of dealing withit directly with the person
(01:56):
involved.
They might do this to avoid atough conversation, try to
control the situation, or justmake things confusing.
Here are some high-levelexamples.
I'm going to dive into examplesthat my clients came to me to
help them sort out and dealwith.
(02:16):
Their names have been changed toprotect their identity and
confidentiality.
High-level examples includetalking behind someone's back
instead of speaking directly tothem, playing favorites, or
purposely and intentionallyleaving someone out.
Usually, the aim is to keeppower, control, or influence in
(02:38):
a relationship by keeping peopledivided or uncertain.
This kind of behavior can happenanywhere, between partners,
family friends, betweenpartners, family members,
friends, or even co-workers.
It often leads to unhealthysituations and leaves issues
(03:03):
unresolved because, frankly,people just are not addressing
them directly face to face.
And I think that's because wedon't feel secure and confident
and strong enough in how we'recommunicating and what we're
saying and how we manage thereaction or response from the
(03:24):
other person.
Either we feel like they'regoing to get angry and we don't
want to deal with that, or maybewe're fearful of their reaction,
or maybe we just don't have theright words, or when we
communicate, the right wordsdon't come out.
Whatever the reason is, thebottom line is many of us just
are not addressing issuesdirectly with each other.
(03:48):
And I'm here to help you withthat.
There truly is a very adult,calm, collected way to do it.
And there's a way to manageother people's reactions.
And my gift, some of my talent,is to help you find the right
words, get confident inyourself, plan and prepare for
(04:12):
the conversation, know the righttiming to have the conversation,
and then for you to go have theconversation, and then us follow
up to see if there's anythingelse that needs to happen in
order to resolve the issue.
When you're a truly caring andgenerous person, it can feel
especially upsetting to getcaught up in conflicts caused by
(04:35):
triangulation.
You may end up feeling ignored,doubted, or confused as you try
to figure out what everyonereally wants.
This constantly changingsituation can make you feel like
you're just being used, withyour loyalty being questioned
and your choices being closelywatched.
(04:58):
Trying to manage the complicatedrelationships that come with
triangulation is mentally andemotionally exhausting.
And those of us who are peoplepleasers or who are generous,
caring individuals will try tomanage each relationship instead
of managing ourselves in thoserelationships.
(05:19):
Being stuck in the middle canalso make you feel isolated
since it's hard to find someonewho really understands what
you're going through.
Carrying other people's problemsand secrets is overwhelming and
will leave you drained and withlittle to no energy for your own
needs.
There are usually three roles inthis situation called
(05:41):
triangulation.
The first one is the person whofeels hurt or mistreated.
The second one is the personseen as causing the harm, which
is also known as the persecutor.
And number three, the person whotries to step in as a mediator
or and just a note, the firstone, the person who feels hurt
or mistreated is usuallyreferred to as the victim.
(06:05):
I'm not a fan of that word, butI'm still looking for a better
word.
And if you have any ideas,please let me know.
Triangulation is an indirect wayof dealing with conflict that is
often learned from familyexperiences or from watching
others.
It can hurt your emotionalhealth and break down trust in
yourself and your relationships.
(06:27):
Instead of being direct aboutyour thoughts or feelings,
someone using triangulationmight hint at things, spread
rumors, or use subtle, shadytactics to create tension
between two other people.
This can lead to confusion,resentment, anxiety, and even
more arguments.
(06:49):
Understanding how triangulationworks can help you spot it early
and make better choices in howyou manage yourself and that
situation, whether it's aboutlove and belonging, freedom,
fun, power, or feeling safe.
Those happen to be the fiveprimary relationship needs that
(07:12):
we today, as modern humans,have.
Everything else, all of ourother needs are directly related
to these higher level needsbecause we all have one that we
gravitate to that brings out thebest in us.
And then we have one that justdoes not create the best in us.
(07:34):
We just aren't feeling oursolid, grounded, confident
selves.
And to learn which one of thefive yours is, you can do that
by taking my free relationshipneeds quiz at needs.drhawks.com.
As I mentioned earlier, you cansee triangulation happening in
(07:56):
many situations.
Romantic relationships, familyinteractions, friendships, and
workplaces.
Triangulation is extremelyharmful because it creates
mistrust, jealousy, andcompetition, making it hard for
people to connect honestly andcommunicate openly.
(08:18):
Knowing, recognizing, andunderstanding it will help you
recognize manipulative behaviorearly on, as I mentioned
earlier, so that you can addressit directly to prevent further
harm and encourage clearer, morehonest conversation.
Today we're going to cover whattriangulation is in
relationships, common ways andexamples in how it shows up, the
(08:44):
reasons behind it, and practicaltips on spotting it when it
happens.
Tips on how to end this harmfulpattern are unique to you and
your relationship.
I truly wish I could dive intosolving it here with you if you
are experiencing this in yourrelationships.
(09:04):
Alternatively, I invite you toschedule a free consultation at
contact.drhawks.com to explorefurther support and guidance on
this topic.
In the next section, I'm goingto delve deeper into what
triangulation looks like indifferent relationships and how
(09:25):
it manifests in various examplesand scenarios.
This will help you develop abetter understanding of its
impact and recognize the signsmore readily.
So let's begin by examiningtriangulation in romantic
relationships, where it oftenemerges in the form of emotional
(09:47):
manipulation or playing onepartner against the other.
Triangulation usually involvesspecific roles that lead to
unhealthy ways of communicating.
Knowing what these roles are canhelp you see where you or others
might fit into a triangulatedrelationship.
(10:09):
I mentioned these roles before,but I'm going to talk a little
bit more about them and give yousome examples.
Number one, the victim role.
The victim is the person beingemotionally manipulated and
stuck between others.
This person often feelsconfused, doubts themselves,
(10:30):
worries about being judged, andmay just want to smooth things
over.
They may feel powerless and findit hard to face the situation
directly because they'reoverwhelmed by mixed messages or
emotional stress.
The victim might also blamethemselves and question their
own actions or worth, whichmakes them feel even more
(10:51):
vulnerable and alone.
Let's talk about the victim rolemanipulation.
Victim role manipulation is whensomeone pretends to be a victim
in a situation to gain sympathy,avoid blame, or control how
others see and treat them.
(11:11):
Instead of dealing with theissue directly with that person,
they may exaggerate how badlythey've been treated or involve
others by saying things like,everyone thinks you're being
unfair to me.
This can make people side withthem, isolate the real target,
or shift attention away fromtheir own behavior.
(11:32):
In relationships or groups, thistactic is often used to
influence opinions, createalliances, or just avoid
responsibility.
Here are some phrases thatindicate someone's playing the
victim role to manipulate you.
You're always so mean to me.
Even Sarah noticed it and feltbad for me.
(11:54):
I had to tell mom how much yourwords hurt me because I couldn't
handle it alone.
Even my friends think I don'tdeserve how you treat me.
Let me give you a more detailedexample.
And a side note here is thatthese are examples from clients
that I have worked with.
Their names have been changed toprotect their identity and their
(12:17):
confidentiality.
Anna and Leslie are sisters.
Sometimes they argue aboutchores or whose turn it is to
use the computer.
One day, Leslie wanted to watchher favorite show, but Anna said
she needed the computer forhomework.
Instead of talking to Annadirectly about how she felt and
negotiating a suitable time touse the computer that would work
(12:41):
with both of them, where shewould have quiet time.
Instead of talking with Annadirectly about how she felt and
negotiating a mutually suitabletime to use the computer in
quiet.
Leslie went to their mom andsaid, Anna is always so mean to
me.
She never lets me have a turn,and even my friend Emma says
(13:02):
it's not fair.
I just end up feeling so sad allthe time because I never get my
way.
By saying this, Leslie madeherself look like the victim and
made Anna seem like the badsister.
She also brought Emma into thestory, even though Emma didn't
know much about what washappening.
Hoping their mom would take herside or maybe even talk to Anna
(13:26):
for her.
This made Anna feel guilty andupset instead of solving the
problem by talking together.
The whole family startedchoosing sides.
Leslie makes herself look likethe victim, hoping to get
sympathy from others and askingthem to support her feelings or
step in for her.
This kind of manipulation cancreate groups against the
(13:49):
targeted person, making thatperson feel more guilty and
making the conflict worse byinvolving more people instead of
promoting direct communicationand problem solving.
Number two, the persecutor role.
The persecutor is the one whostirs up conflict between people
(14:10):
for their own benefit.
This person uses indirectmethods like gossip, showing
favoritism, or subtle provoking,instigating, to control what's
happening and keep their powerand dominance over others.
Their goal is usually to createdivision and keep people unsure
(14:32):
of themselves so that they canstay in control and be the
savior.
Persecutors rarely confrontissues openly.
Instead, they work behind thescenes to manipulate situations,
making it hard for others todeal with the real problem
directly.
Here are some phrases that couldsignal you that someone's using
(14:52):
persecutor role manipulation.
He told me you were the onecausing all the problems.
She said you started this fight,not me.
Other people agree that you'rebeing unreasonable.
Here's what persecutor rolemanipulation looks like in a
dating relationship.
Emily and Chris have beentogether for a while.
(15:15):
Lately, small disagreements seemto blow up out of nowhere.
Chris often feels like he can'tdo anything right, but he's not
sure why.
Here's how the persecutor rolemanipulation played out between
them.
Emily said, You know, you'dnever help around the house.
(15:36):
I don't even know why I botherasking you anymore.
Chris says, That's not true.
I did the dishes yesterday andtook out the trash this morning.
Emily, sighing, says, Well,apparently that's all you think
you have to do.
Honestly, my friend Sarah said,if her boyfriend acted like you
do, she'd be furious too.
Chris says, Why are you bringingSarah into this?
(15:59):
This is between us.
Emily, raising her voice, says,Because maybe if you listen to
someone else for a change, you'drealize how lazy and
inconsiderate you're being.
Even my mom noticed it last timeshe was over.
She asked me how I put up withit.
Chris said, I didn't know yourmom felt that way.
(16:19):
I thought things were fine.
Emily says, things would be fineif you stopped acting like the
problem is me whenever we talkabout chores.
But no, you always play thevictim and try to make me look
like the bad guy.
In this example, Emily uses thepersecutor role manipulation by
exaggerating Chris'sshortcomings and involving Sarah
(16:42):
and her mom as backup for hercomplaints.
She takes on the role of thepersecutor, painting Chris as
lazy and inconsiderate whilemaking herself seem justified in
her anger.
This indirect way ofcommunication confuses Chris but
also makes him feel isolated andattacked, instead of encouraging
(17:04):
open discussion about theirissues.
A healthier way of addressingthis is for Emily to talk about
what's happening in the presentmoment that makes her feel like
she's not being supported withchores, for Chris to ask her
more questions as to whetherthis has just happened recently
or if it's been ongoing, and forthem to sit down and talk about
(17:25):
all the chores that have to bedone in the house and assigning
them to each other in a healthyway based on the strengths and
honestly how quickly each onecan get it done, and a schedule
for how to get it done.
There's a lot of other ways todo that, but I wanted to provide
you one approach to handling it.
(17:46):
Number three is the rescuerrole.
The rescuer can either encouragemanipulation or step in to help
one person, sometimes withoutrealizing they're supporting a
toxic situation.
Most of my clients are in therescuer role and they are
experiencing the victimmanipulation and persecutor
(18:09):
manipulation.
Rescuers might try to settleconflicts, but end up making
things worse by picking sides orprotecting someone from facing
the consequences of theiractions.
Rescuers often feel the need tofix problems, but by doing so,
they may accidentally shield themanipulator and discourage
(18:30):
honest communication.
In a healthier role, rescuersencourage open conversations and
help victims speak up forthemselves without enabling
unhealthy patterns.
When I work with rescuers, Ishow them how to shift the
dialogue so that the victim isno longer attacked and the
(18:51):
manipulator no longer feels inpower.
Their power is diffused.
Let me give you some examples ofthe rescuer role manipulation
and how this would look now.
And how this could show up.
Don't worry, I'll talk to himfor you, even though she's
really upset with what you did.
Let me handle this with ourboss, since everyone else is
(19:15):
frustrated with your work.
I'll smooth things over with mombecause she's angry at what
happened between you two.
Here's a more detailed example.
Sarah and Jake met in college.
At first they connected easily,and Sarah often talked about how
much drama she had with herroommates and her family.
(19:36):
She always seemed stressed andwould say things like, My mom
just doesn't understand me.
I wish someone could help hersee how hard I'm trying.
Jake would listen and offeradvice.
Soon Sarah started bringing upher problems with her friends
too.
Jessica is being so cold lately,she said one day.
(19:57):
Can you talk to her for me?
Maybe you can make her see myside.
You're really good at calmingpeople down.
Jake wanted to help, so hemessaged Jessica to try and
smooth things over.
This pattern continued as theirrelationship grew.
Whenever Sarah had a conflict,whether it was with friends,
(20:18):
professors, or later withcoworkers, she would turn to
Jake.
Could you email my professor andexplain why my assignment was
late?
He listens to you more than me,she'd suggest.
Jake began feeling important inSarah's life.
He liked being needed.
So he kept stepping in, talkingto her friends when there were
(20:40):
arguments, handling awkwardsituations at work events, even
calling her mom to explainmisunderstandings.
After college, they moved intogether.
When planning their wedding,Sarah leaned on Jake even more.
My sister is upset about thebridesmaid dresses.
Can you call her and fix it?
(21:00):
At every turn, Sarah positionedherself as the victim of unfair
treatment and asked Jake torescue her from each situation.
If he hesitated or suggested shehandle something herself, Sarah
would sigh and just say, Ithought you cared enough to help
me.
(21:21):
By the time they married, Jakewas accustomed to smoothing
things over for Sarah witheveryone in their lives.
He didn't realize that thisrescuer role had become a
condition of their relationship.
And he didn't see that Sarah hadmanipulated situations so that
he would keep saving her insteadof encouraging her to have
(21:45):
direct communication orindependence.
Now that I've covered the threecommon roles that occur in this
form of manipulation calledtriangulation, where a person
involves other people in the waythey manipulate you, I want to
talk about the common forms andsigns that triangulation is
(22:06):
happening through some moreexamples for you.
As I've said before,triangulation can show up in
very different ways in yourrelationships.
Here's an example in a marriagesituation.
Anna and Mark have been marriedfor five years.
Lately, Anna feels like Markisn't listening to her when she
(22:28):
talks about her day.
Instead of telling Mark how shefeels, Anna starts spending more
time talking to her friend Sarahabout their problems.
One evening, when Mark asksAnna, is something wrong?
Anna says, Sarah agrees that younever really listen to me.
She thinks I deserve moreattention from you.
Mark feels hurt and confusedbecause he didn't know Anna was
(22:51):
so upset.
And now he feels like Sarah istaking sides against him.
Later, Anna goes out with Sarahand some other friends without
inviting Mark.
She posts happy pictures onlinewith captions like, with people
who truly get me.
When Mark sees the photos andasks why he wasn't invited, Anna
(23:12):
says, I just needed to be withpeople who appreciate me.
Mark starts feeling left out andjealous.
Instead of talking directly toeach other and working through
their feelings, Anna's actionsmake Mark feel even more
insecure in their relationship.
This creates more distancebetween them and makes it harder
(23:33):
for them to solve their problemstogether.
This example shows how bringinganother person into a couple's
conflict either by seekingsupport from someone else or by
making the partner feel excludedcan create jealousy, hurt
feelings, and bigger problems inthe relationship.
I'm going to now walk throughsome different categories or
(23:57):
different types of triangulationthat you'll probably recognize.
This example shows how bringinganother person into a couple's
conflict, either by seekingsupport from someone else or
making the partner feelexcluded, or even including
somebody that you think willhelp you.
This can create jealousy, hurtfeelings, and bigger problems in
(24:20):
the relationship.
Oftentimes it's more effectiveif you're experiencing
triangulation to hire aprofessional coach or a
counselor to help you solve theissue, as opposed to involving
third parties.
Now I want to go through sometypes of triangulation that
(24:43):
occur so that you can get abetter understanding of how this
shows up in everydayrelationships.
And I apologize in advancebecause now that you're going to
learn this, you're going tostart noticing people do it.
And I'm sorry I'm doing that toyou, but it's for your benefit
(25:05):
and for you to just observe andnot try to fix it and be the
rescuer.
The first type is favoritism.
You know, the golden childversus the scapegoat situation.
In families, triangulation oftenappears as favoritism, where one
child is treated better than theothers.
(25:27):
This creates a golden childversus scapegoat situation, with
the favored child getting moreattention and special treatment
while the others are blamed orignored.
Things like this are said byparents.
Your sister always listens to meand does what I ask.
Why can't you be more like her?
Dad told me I'm his favorite,and he's really disappointed in
(25:51):
you.
Mom says you always mess thingsup, but I never do.
Favoritism shows up in verysubtle but hurtful ways.
In the Johnson family business,two siblings, Sam and Lily, both
worked under their mom'ssupervision.
Their mom often praised Lilyduring team meetings by saying
(26:13):
things like, Lily always getsher reports in on time.
Sam, why can't you be more likeyour sister?
while ignoring or criticizingSam's efforts.
This pattern continued at home.
At family dinners, their fatherwould say things like, Lily
helped me fix the car today.
She's always so helpful, barelymentioning anything Sam did.
(26:37):
Sometimes he'd talk to Lilyprivately and say, You're my
favorite.
I wish your brother would tryharder.
Sam often overheard thesecomments or found out about them
from Lily.
The favoritism drove a wedgebetween the siblings.
Lily felt pressure to keepliving up to her golden child
image and worried about lettingher parents down.
(27:01):
Meanwhile, Sam started pullingback from family talks and
stopped volunteering for newprojects at work, feeling like
nothing he did would evermatter.
Over time, this cycle where onechild was favored and the other
blamed hurt Sam's confidence anddamaged their relationship as
(27:21):
siblings.
Instead of working together attheir job or supporting each
other at home, both ended upfeeling alone.
Lily burdened by highexpectations and guilt, and Sam
by anger and rejection.
The family's habit of nottalking openly about problems
and showing favoritism made italmost impossible for either
(27:46):
sibling to express how they feltor to fix their broken
relationship.
As the rescuer, Lilyunintentionally took on the role
of the rescuer, constantlystriving to meet her parents'
expectations and trying tobridge the gap between Sam and
(28:08):
their parents.
In doing so, she inadvertentlyreinforced their parents'
favoritism.
Sam, on the other hand, feltlike the victim, constantly
overshadowed and invalidated.
He became withdrawn andresentful, and he was unable to
voice his frustrations or seeksupport from his family.
(28:28):
Their father played the role ofthe persecutor, perpetuating
favoritism and creating a toxicdynamic in the family.
The emotional effects of thisdysfunctional family dynamic are
significant.
Both Lily and Sam have probablysuffered long-term consequences,
such as low self-esteem, troublebuilding healthy relationships,
(28:53):
and a constant feeling of notbeing heard or valued, feeding a
cycle of insecurity.
Healing from these experiencestakes time, effort, and a real
willingness to change fromeveryone involved, and with
individual support from atrained professional
relationship and communicationcoach like myself or a counselor
(29:17):
who's trained in triangulation.
Still, with the right support,this family can break away from
harmful patterns and startrebuilding their relationships
based on trust and understandingif they become aware of the
damage that this is creating andbecome aware that change is not
as hard as they may think, andthat they acknowledge that these
(29:41):
behaviors are learned andworked, but they're creating
damage, and new behaviors arenecessary in order to create
healthier children, healthieradults, and a healthier
relationship with each other.
This is why favoritism ismanipulation.
The parents' favoritism is aform.
Of emotional manipul.
(30:02):
By regularly showing preferencefor one child, they create an
unhealthy power imbalance in thefamily, and they are then able
to control how everyoneinteracts.
This kind of manipulationcrushes the individuality and
self-worth of the less favoredchild, often leaving them
(30:22):
feeling inadequate and isolated.
Recognizing these behaviors isessential in order to move past
them and build a healthier, morebalanced family environment.
In summary, the toxic dynamiccreated by the parents'
favoritism has had a profoundemotional impact on Lily and
(30:43):
Sam.
It has affected theirself-esteem, their ability to
form relationships, theirability to form healthy
relationships and have healthycommunication, and their overall
sense of worth.
With the right support and agenuine commitment to change,
this family can begin theirhealing process and work towards
(31:06):
building healthier, morenurturing relationships.
The second type of triangulationinvolves stirring up jealousy by
bringing in new friends orpartners.
This is purposefully makingsomeone feel jealous,
intentionally making themjealous.
This can happen when someonebrings new romantic partners or
(31:29):
friends into the picture to makeothers feel left out or unsure
about their place in therelationship.
Alex said she thinks I'm waymore fun than you.
I've been talking to someoneelse who actually cares about
what I feel.
My friend agrees with me thatyou're overreacting.
Those are examples of phrasesyou might hear that stirs up
(31:53):
jealousy.
Here's a story example.
Mia and her partner Jordan hadbeen arguing more than usual.
Rather than talking about theirproblems directly, Mia started
bringing up her new coworker,Tyler, all the time.
At dinner, she laughed aboutinside jokes they shared and
(32:14):
compared Jordan's sense of humorto Tyler's, saying Tyler was
funnier.
When Jordan said it botheredhim, Mia brushed it off, saying,
You're just being insecure.
Tyler understands me in a waythat you haven't lately.
The next weekend, Mia went outwith Tyler and his friends
without inviting Jordan.
(32:35):
She posted photos on socialmedia, showing herself laughing
and having a great time withthem.
When Jordan asked why he wasn'tincluded, Mia said, I needed a
break with people who actuallylistened to me.
Jordan started feeling jealousand began doubting his place in
the relationship.
Instead of working through theirissues together and with
(32:57):
professional support, Mia'sactions made him feel even more
insecure and pushed them fartherapart, showing how stirring up
jealousy can be used to createdistance between partners.
This shows how stirring upjealousy can be used to create
distance between partners.
As a side note, the reason why Irecommend professional support
(33:22):
and professional coaching isbecause coaching is very much
about learning what's going onthat is unhealthy in these
triangulation situations andidentifying ways to resolve
them.
It's a very move forward,action-oriented type of approach
(33:45):
to professional support insteadof looking at what Jordan did
was wrong, what Mia did wasincorrect.
There's no criticizing orjudging or any of that, much
less looking at your childhoodtraumas or criticizing your
parents, etc.
In professional coaching, it'sreally about looking at what's
(34:06):
what is happening, how is itaffecting you, and how is it
affecting your partner or theother person, and how is it
affecting your relationship?
And talking about what is itthat you want instead?
What would you like to havehappen?
And assessing whether what it isyou would like to have instead
is healthy, adjusting thatdesired result that you want to
(34:31):
have a little bit so that itrestores a healthy dynamic, and
then teaching you and showingyou ways to interact that create
more of the result that you andyour partner or the other person
involved would like to haveinstead.
The bottom line is triangulationand manipulation takes a lot of
energy.
(34:52):
Ultimately, it will drain you,it will affect your health and
well-being, it'll affect yourproductivity, and it just gets
tiring and exhausting tomaintain it, regardless of which
role you're in, the rescuer, thevictim, or the persecutor.
Now let me talk about thedifferent roles with that story
(35:15):
example I just provided.
As the rescuer, Mark takes onthe role by presenting himself
as the bearer of concerns fromothers.
He positions himself as someonewho is looking out for Anna's
best interests, even if it meansrelaying potentially negative
feedback.
Anna is placed in the victimrole as she is being targeted
(35:37):
with these vagueness,accusations, and statements.
She is left feeling confused,anxious, and unsure about how to
address the situation.
The unidentified everyone orpeople are presented as the
persecutors who have expressedtheir dissatisfaction or
(35:58):
concerns about Anna's actions orbehavior.
Here's the emotional impact.
Anna's emotional well-being isheavily impacted by this.
The lack of clarity and specificfeedback leaves her feeling
isolated, anxious, and unsureabout how she is perceived by
her team.
The ongoing ambiguitysurrounding these concerns
(36:21):
exacerbates her distress,preventing her from addressing
the issue directly or seekingresolution.
The unchecked power dynamicwithin this situation creates
and perpetuates a toxic workenvironment that hinders
productivity and collaboration.
This manipulation technique iseffective because it exploits
(36:42):
Anna's desire for acceptance andapproval from her team.
By presenting himself as aconcerned intermediary, Mark
gains influence over Anna'sperception of herself and the
situation.
The vagueness of the accusationsallows for plausible
deniability, making it difficultfor Anna to challenge or address
(37:02):
the issue directly.
This power imbalance leaves herfeeling disempowered and
dependent on Mark forinformation and validation.
The lack of clarity and specificfeedback leaves her feeling
isolated, anxious, and unsureabout how she's perceived by her
team.
Mark, as the rescuer, positionshimself as the one who can help
(37:24):
Anna navigate the situation.
By doing so, he gains a sense ofpower and control over her
emotions and actions.
Anna's team then becomes thepersecutors.
They are indirectly causingdistress to Anna by perpetuating
rumors and making her questionher own worth and abilities.
(37:45):
Anna is cast as the victim,caught in the middle of this
manipulation.
She feels powerless and unableto address the issue directly,
which then reinforces thevictimhood.
Anna must prioritize her ownself-worth and seek support from
trusted individuals andprofessionals who can help her
navigate this challengingsituation.
(38:07):
By recognizing the manipulationat play and asserting herself
and learning how to assertherself without creating more
conflict, Anna can begin toreclaim her power and break free
from this cycle oftriangulation.
Mark's manipulation technique iseffective because it exploits
Anna's desire for acceptance andapproval from her team.
(38:29):
By presenting himself as aconcerned, caring person as an
intermediary, Mark gainsinfluence over Anna's perception
of herself and the situation.
The vagueness of the accusationsallows for plausible
deniability, making it difficultfor Anna to challenge or address
the issue directly.
(38:49):
This power imbalance leaves herfeeling disempowered and
dependent on Mark forinformation and validation.
Now let's talk about the only Ican do this for you type of
manipulation.
This type of triangulationhappens when one partner or
person acts like they're theonly one who can meet an
important emotional need, offersupport, or provide something
(39:12):
essential.
They may suggest openly orsubtly that no one else can do
this for you.
This is a serious manipulativetactic meant to isolate the
other person and make themdependent.
Here's a story example.
Imagine Alex and Jordan are in arelationship.
Whenever Jordan feels upset orneeds advice, Alex says things
(39:34):
like, Nobody understands youlike I do.
Your friends just don't get whatyou need.
I'm the only one who reallycares about you.
If you ever left me, you wouldnever find anyone who could help
you the way I can.
In this scenario, Alex castshimself as uniquely essential
(39:56):
while subtly framing others,such as friends as fam such as
friends and family, asinadequate.
Jordan starts to questionwhether their needs can truly be
met by anyone else and thenbecomes less likely to reach out
to others for support.
Alex, as the rescuer, claimsexclusive power to meet Jordan's
(40:19):
emotional needs.
Jordan, as the victim, is madeto feel that only Alex can help
or understand her.
Friends or family, as thepersecutors, are depicted as
uncaring or incapable.
The emotional impact on Jordanis that she begins to feel
isolated from their supportnetwork and increasingly
(40:41):
dependent on Alex for validationand comfort.
Over time, this erodes herself-trust and confidence, and
she stops seeking professionalhelp or other help outside the
relationship.
Or, by insisting only I can dothis for you, Alex avoids direct
communication about needs andboundaries.
(41:01):
Instead, they both create anunhealthy situation where Jordan
feels trapped, caught betweenloyalty to Alex, and doubt about
others' intentions.
This limits Jordan's freedom andautonomy within the
relationship.
The only I can do this for youstrategy is a classic
triangulation move.
It leverages exclusivity anddependency to control a romantic
(41:26):
partner's access to support andcare, ultimately undermining
their sense of independence andconnection with others.
Now let's talk about the theysaid form of manipulation and
triangulation.
This happens when one persontries to influence the other by
referencing a third party'ssupposed opinion creating doubt
(41:47):
or insecurity.
Alex says, you know, my friendTaylor said you're really
distant lately.
Honestly, I didn't want tobelieve it, but now I'm starting
to see what they mean.
In this scenario, Alex doesn'tdirectly communicate his own
feelings, but instead brings inan outside perspective.
Whether it's real or fabricatedto make Jordan question
(42:10):
themselves, but instead bringsin an outside perspective, real
or fabricated, to make Jordanquestion herself.
The they said tactic can makethe victim feel isolated and
worried about how othersperceive them, pushing them to
seek reassurance from themanipulator or to change their
behavior out of fear ofjudgment.
(42:31):
This indirect approach avoidshonest conversation and keeps
the true source of criticismhidden.
And that is the hallmark oftriangulation.
In this example, I'm gonna sharemore about how these roles take
form.
The rescular role is often takenon by the manipulator.
(42:52):
They position themselves as thesavior, offering support and
care to their partner whilesubtly undermining their sense
of self-reliance.
The persecutor role isoftentimes played by the third
party whose opinions or actionsare being referenced.
(43:12):
They probably or may not even beaware that they're being used as
a weapon in the manipulator'sgame.
The victim is the partner who'ssubjected to the manipulation.
They may feel confused, hurt,and trapped, struggling to
maintain their own autonomy andfind their voice in their
relationship.
(43:33):
By the way, I wanted to bringyour attention to words I'm
using.
I'm using belonging andapproval, and in this example,
autonomy.
Those words are directly relatedto the five primary relationship
needs we each have.
And so autonomy equates tofreedom, the freedom
(43:56):
relationship need.
Belonging equates to the loveand belonging relationship need.
Safety equates to the safety andsurvival relationship need.
I'm calling this out to youbecause these five needs show up
every single day in ourinteractions and within
ourselves as we're interactingwith the world in our lives.
(44:20):
So I do invite you to take theprimary relationship needs quiz
at needs.drdarhawks.com andlearn what your dominant, your
preferred relationship need is,and what your least dominant
need is, so that you can learnmore about the topics that I
(44:45):
talk about in the BetterRelationships podcast, and you
can relate to them from theperspective of your own dominant
or preferred relationship need,and that one need that is your
shadow or weaker need.
It's the one that doesn't bringout the best in you.
(45:05):
Let's now talk about theemotional impact on you of being
caught in the middle.
I can say from personalexperience as a child,
triangulation causes deepemotional stress for those
involved.
Being manipulated this way leadsto constant confusion, anxiety,
self-doubt, lack of self-worthor questioning self-worth, and
(45:30):
insecurity.
You might question your ownfeelings and judgment, and may
be unsure of who you can trust.
Over time, this will drain yourconfidence and lowers your
self-esteem.
When you are repeatedly pulledinto conflicts you did not
start, it's normal to feelhelpless or full of self-doubt.
Triangulation can show up inseveral ways, including having
(45:53):
trouble setting clear boundariesbecause manipulation makes
personal limits unclear,frequent conflicts that start
from indirect communication orspreading rumors, feeling left
out or isolated as themanipulator decides who is
included or excluded, becomingmore hesitant to share your
feelings openly because youworry they'll be used against
(46:14):
you, feeling like you'reconstantly walking on eggshells,
or think you're using or thinkyou're being used as a pawn in
someone else's game.
These are just some examples.
There are many others that I'msure you can reflect on as well.
A compassionate person who isrepeatedly triangulated might
(46:34):
experience a range of complexemotions, including deep sadness
or grief over the loss of trustand connections in the
relationships they care about,guilt for wanting to withdraw or
protect themselves, fearing thatthis means they're not being
supportive enough, heightenedempathy for everyone involved,
(46:56):
leading to emotional overwhelmor feeling responsible for
fixing the situation,frustration or resentment at
being misunderstood ormisrepresented by others, a
sense of betrayal when theirkindness is manipulated or
weaponized against them,hopelessness when repeated
efforts to resolve conflicts areignored or twisted, shame for
(47:18):
getting caught up in drama eventhough they acted with good
intentions, emotional, mental,and physical fatigue from
continuously mediating or tryingto keep the peace with others,
between others, increasedself-doubt as their motives and
actions are questioned ordistorted by the manipulator,
(47:39):
fear of being labeled asdifficult or too sensitive if
they speak up about themanipulation, loneliness when
their genuine attempts atconnection result in further
isolation, confusion over whytheir compassion seems to invite
mistreatment rather than mutualrespect, emotional exhaustion
(48:00):
from constantly being on guardfor manipulative tactics and
trying to anticipate themanipulator's next move, a sense
of powerlessness as they witnessthe manipulator's ability to
sway others and manipulatesituations to their advantage,
loss of self-esteem as thegaslighting and manipulation
erode their confidence and senseof self-worth.
(48:23):
Anxiety and hyper-vigilancealways second-guessing
themselves and theirinteractions with others.
Desire for justice andvalidation, yearning for others
to see through the manipulator'sfacade.
Despite these challengingemotions, you do possess a
resilience that can help youheal and regain your strength.
(48:44):
It is important for you to setboundaries, seek support from
trusted professionals, andpractice self-care in order to
protect your mental andemotional well-being.
These feelings can deeply affecta compassionate, caring person's
self-sense of self-worth andwell-being, making it crucial to
(49:07):
recognize these patterns as soonas possible.
It is important for you torecognize and accept that you
deserve to be in healthy,respectful relationships where
your thoughts and feelings arevalued.
By setting clear boundaries,asserting your needs, and
(49:29):
seeking professional support,you can start to build and
regain a sense of control andyour self-esteem.
The longer triangulation orfrankly any other kind of
manipulation goes unchecked, themore deeply these unhealthy
dynamics take hold.
Noticing them is an importantstep toward breaking free from
(49:50):
manipulation and bringingbalance back to your
relationships.
When you choose to work with meas your relationship healer and
communication coach, there arethings that you and I can do
without you ever really havingto discuss anything with the
(50:11):
manipulator that will change thepatterns and the behaviors that
you are experiencing.
I like to say that it takes twopeople's energies to create a
result or a response or areaction.
And when one person implements,change, or transforms theirs,
(50:34):
then the other person startsbehaving differently.
And that is the gift that I havethat differentiates me from
other service providers.
I encourage you to schedule afree consultation with me, and
you can do that by going tocontact.drhawks.com.
(50:54):
Now I want to share about howtriangulation is learned or
where it comes from.
It often starts in childhood,learned from family members and
early relationships.
Kids watch how adults handleconflicts and emotions.
If their parents or othercaregivers use indirect ways to
(51:15):
solve problems, like talkingabout it, like talking about one
child to another instead ofaddressing the issues directly,
children pick up on this patternand over time it becomes a
habit.
Sometimes triangulation is usedbecause people don't feel safe
expressing their feelingsopenly.
(51:35):
They might fear rejection,punishment, or being ignored if
they speak up.
Instead, they involve a thirdperson to get support, gain an
advantage, or avoidconfrontation.
In families where favoritismhappens, like the Golden Child
versus Scapegoat situation Italked about earlier, children
may learn to use triangulationto gain approval or avoid blame.
(51:59):
Siblings might compete forattention by bringing parents
into their disagreements or bygossiping about each other.
At school and work, people canalso learn triangulation by
seeing others use gossip,alliances, or exclusion as ways
to get what they want or avoiddealing with their issues face
(52:20):
to face or within themselves.
In short, triangulation islearned from watching and
experiencing indirectcommunication patterns at home,
school, work, or otherinstitutions.
People keep using it because itfeels safer than direct
communication, and frankly, theydon't know how to have direct
communication without creatingmore conflict for themselves or
(52:44):
in the interaction with others,even though it causes more harm
in the long run.
Recognizing where it comes fromis your first step to breaking
this cycle and buildinghealthier relationships.
The best way to keep this fromhappening in your relationships
is to focus on directcommunication where you talk
openly, directly, and honestlywith the people involved.
(53:08):
Establish clear boundaries withothers to avoid being drawn into
these situations.
Seek mediation and professionalsupport.
As I mentioned before, gettingsupport and professional help
truly is a better path whendealing with triangulated
relationships, or if youexperience this from childhood
(53:28):
to now, dealing with it on yourown can make you feel alone.
So having a strong, supportivepartner is important.
Relationship and communicationcoaching truly is a partnership
with you to help you achievewhat it is you're wanting to
achieve and for you to heal andcreate different relationship
(53:50):
interactions where triangulationand manipulation no longer has
power over you or is no longereffective.
You need people who will listenwithout judging and will help
you trust your own feelings.
While you may have trustedfriends or family that can be
sounding boards where they offeryou clear perspectives when
manipulative behavior leaves youfeeling confused, chances are
(54:15):
they're not trained in gettingthe behavior to stop having an
effect on you.
They certainly can offer solacein the moment for you, which is
absolutely necessary.
But getting the behavior to stopis probably not in their domain
of expertise where they've beentrained professionally to do
that.
(54:36):
So my guidance for you isabsolutely lean on your trusted
friends or family members whocan be sounding boards that can
help you gain clarity, get yourmind in the right place, and
bring your emotions more inbalance in the moment.
That is absolutely a healthything to do.
But if you're wanting to work onmaking the behavior stop, that's
(54:59):
where a professional resourcecomes into play.
When you're building yoursupport system with trusted
friends or family, here are someguidelines for you.
Pick your allies carefully.
Choose people who areconsistently empathetic and
reliable.
Avoid those who mayunintentionally support
(55:20):
manipulative patterns.
Share your experiences.
Talking openly about what'shappening with your trusted
allies can help clear upconfusion that you're
experiencing caused by indirectcommunication or gossip.
Ask for honest feedback fromthem.
When you're unsure about asituation, trusted supporters
(55:42):
can help you check the facts andquestion false stories.
Seek professional guidance.
Those of us who are experiencedin emotional manipulation can
teach you how to set boundariesand rebuild your self-esteem.
They can help you work towardsstopping the behavior and stop
(56:05):
not only the effects ofmanipulation on you, but also
stop manipulation beingeffective for them.
Combining personal support withprofessional help gives you a
strong foundation for healing.
It will help you regain control,develop healthier relationships,
and lessen the negative impactof toxic dynamics and also work
(56:28):
towards you no longer attractingthem.
Sometimes a decision needs to bemade to walk away from toxic
conversations, toxic moments, oreven relationships, temporarily,
in some extreme cases,permanently.
I invite you to watch for thesewarning signs.
Ongoing manipulation,conversations that often involve
(56:51):
indirect control, gossip, orplaying favorites with no real
effort to resolve the issues.
Emotional exhaustion.
You feel drained, anxious, orunsettled after talks that leave
you confused or doubtingyourself.
No responsibility taken.
The person manipulating usuallydenies their actions or refuses
(57:13):
to admit the harm caused bytheir behavior.
Boundaries are consistentlyignored.
Even after you set clearboundaries, they're repeatedly
crossed.
They are repeatedly crossedwithout any change.
Attempts to isolate you.
Someone tries to keep you fromtalking directly with others,
cutting you off from support orclarity.
(57:35):
Walking away doesn't always meanending a relationship for good.
Sometimes it's just aboutputting some distance between
yourself and them from certainconversations or situations to
protect your mental well-being.
You might need to limit contactfor a while until trust and
respect can be restored.
(57:56):
Remove yourself fromenvironments where manipulation
happens.
Focus instead on spaces thatsupport open and honest
communication.
Knowing when to step back helpsyou take control and break free
from harmful relationshipdynamics.
Here's an example from my ownlife.
(58:32):
Ultimately, it really hurt mybody's health and my emotional
health.
And then one day I decided tolook at the patterns between all
the different companies that Ihad worked for, and my eyes were
opened.
I saw the behaviors that I'veshared with you here.
And I decided I was going toalign with opportunities that
(58:54):
matched my values and respectedthe five primary relationship
needs of love and belonging,freedom and autonomy, fun, being
and feeling empowered, andfeeling safe and no longer being
in survival mode, but inthriving mode.
As soon as I made that decisionand started unwinding and
(59:17):
putting distance around in therelationships that were not
healthy, I started attractingmore of the good stuff.
So it really is about rewiringyour mind and body to stop being
affected and impacted bymanipulators and manipulative
and toxic environments.
(59:37):
And as soon as you do that, andhopefully you'll do that working
with me in collaboration withme, you will start to notice
things change in your life.
Now I want to share examples ofhow triangulation happens with
these five relationship needs.
Triangulation usually shows upwhen someone tries, often in an
(59:57):
unhealthy way, to meet one.
Of the five basic primaryrelationship needs that I say
shape how we interact, behave,make choices, and communicate
with others.
Understanding these five needshelps explain why people use
triangulation and how it impactseveryone involved.
(01:00:18):
You can find out your dominantrelationship need by taking the
free quiz at needs.drhawks.com.
And by the way, when you chooseto coach with me, we will talk
about your relationship needsand talk about the scenarios and
relationships and situationswhere you're experiencing
triangulation.
(01:00:39):
And we will work on removing theconnection that those people
that are using it against youhave on you and restore them to
a healthy place to where whatthey do just doesn't work
anymore.
It just doesn't work.
And you'll also know what to sayand what to do if they try.
(01:01:00):
Number one, love and belonging.
Triangulation takes advantage ofyour need to feel connected.
A manipulator might create teamsor rivalries between people to
feel more loved themselves or tocontrol who gets emotional
support, and that makes othersdepend more on them.
Number two, freedom or autonomy.
(01:01:23):
If someone feels theirindependence is threatened, they
might use triangulation to getcontrol back without being
direct.
By bringing a third person intothe mix, they cause confusion
and split loyalties, whichlimits open conversation and
other people's freedom.
(01:01:44):
Which limits open conversationsand other people's freedom.
Number three, fun.
Even your need for fun can beused against you.
When someone stirs up drama orjealousy through triangulation,
relationships turn intoemotional games that might seem
(01:02:05):
exciting, but actually damagetrust and real enjoyment.
Number four, feeling empowered.
Power is often at the heart oftriangulation and manipulation.
The person manipulating keepscontrol by managing what
information gets shared,encouraging conflict, and making
(01:02:26):
themselves seem like the onlyone who can keep things
together.
Some people, especially thoseworried about being abandoned or
rejected, use triangulation as away to feel safe.
Bringing in a third person givesthem reassurance or helps them
(01:02:47):
avoid threats to their emotionalwell-being.
Knowing these deeperrelationship needs will make it
easier for you to see whytransition continues even though
it's harmful.
And it shows why meeting theseneeds through honest
communication and in a healthierway is so important instead.
(01:03:07):
Here's a reminder to take thefree relationship needs quiz at
needs.drhawks.com.
That's needs.dr H W K S dot com.
Here are some ways we can worktogether to outsmart
triangulation.
I'll show you how to spot thewarning signs early.
(01:03:31):
We will focus on learning directcommunication without creating
more conflict.
We will set clearer boundaries.
We will promote openness.
We will work on avoiding fallinginto the three roles.
We will learn how to stick tothe facts.
(01:03:52):
I will show you how to protectyour emotional health.
We will work together about howto be honest about your
underlying needs.
And you will learn how to knowwhen to step back.
Changing these habits takes timeand patience.
Be kind to yourself as you workthrough it.
(01:04:14):
I invite you to schedule a freeconsultation with me so that we
can work on these things thatI've mentioned together.
And you can do that by going toconsult.drdarhawks.com.
That's consult.dr H A W K S dotcom.
(01:04:35):
If you've experienced any ofwhat I've talked about in this
episode, you recognize some ofit, please don't wait.
Schedule the free consult andwe'll see if coaching with me is
a fit for you.
I look forward to hearing yourvoice and supporting you in any
way I can during that call.
Welcome to episode 66 of the Better Relationships
(00:04):
Podcast.
I'm Dr.
Dar Hawks, your host andrelationship healer and
communication coach.
I help individuals and couplesheal emotional pain, communicate
effectively, and createstronger, more connected
relationships.
Today's topic is about feelingleft out, unheard, mistrusted,
(00:28):
and confused, along with theemotional toll of being caught
in the middle of conflicts.
So let's get started.
Have you ever found yourselfstuck in the middle of a heated
argument and felt like anoutsider with no say-so?
Maybe you've been caught betweentwo sides that don't get along.
(00:50):
Maybe you've been caught betweentwo sides that don't get along.
And you found yourself unsure ofwho to believe or to stand with.
These experiences can be reallytough emotionally, leaving you
feeling left out, ignored,unsure of who to trust, and
(01:10):
confused.
Carrying this weight can makeyou feel isolated, anxious, and
even depressed.
Today I'm talking about aconcept called triangulation
relationships.
The reason why I want to makeyou aware of what this is, along
with examples, is becausetriangulation is an extremely
(01:33):
common manipulation tactic.
Most people have experienced itin their personal and
professional relationships.
So let me share whattriangulation is.
It occurs when someone brings athird person into a problem or a
conflict instead of dealing withit directly with the person
(01:56):
involved.
They might do this to avoid atough conversation, try to
control the situation, or justmake things confusing.
Here are some high-levelexamples.
I'm going to dive into examplesthat my clients came to me to
help them sort out and dealwith.
(02:16):
Their names have been changed toprotect their identity and
confidentiality.
High-level examples includetalking behind someone's back
instead of speaking directly tothem, playing favorites, or
purposely and intentionallyleaving someone out.
Usually, the aim is to keeppower, control, or influence in
(02:38):
a relationship by keeping peopledivided or uncertain.
This kind of behavior can happenanywhere, between partners,
family friends, betweenpartners, family members,
friends, or even co-workers.
It often leads to unhealthysituations and leaves issues
(03:03):
unresolved because, frankly,people just are not addressing
them directly face to face.
And I think that's because wedon't feel secure and confident
and strong enough in how we'recommunicating and what we're
saying and how we manage thereaction or response from the
(03:24):
other person.
Either we feel like they'regoing to get angry and we don't
want to deal with that, or maybewe're fearful of their reaction,
or maybe we just don't have theright words, or when we
communicate, the right wordsdon't come out.
Whatever the reason is, thebottom line is many of us just
are not addressing issuesdirectly with each other.
(03:48):
And I'm here to help you withthat.
There truly is a very adult,calm, collected way to do it.
And there's a way to manageother people's reactions.
And my gift, some of my talent,is to help you find the right
words, get confident inyourself, plan and prepare for
(04:12):
the conversation, know the righttiming to have the conversation,
and then for you to go have theconversation, and then us follow
up to see if there's anythingelse that needs to happen in
order to resolve the issue.
When you're a truly caring andgenerous person, it can feel
especially upsetting to getcaught up in conflicts caused by
(04:35):
triangulation.
You may end up feeling ignored,doubted, or confused as you try
to figure out what everyonereally wants.
This constantly changingsituation can make you feel like
you're just being used, withyour loyalty being questioned
and your choices being closelywatched.
(04:58):
Trying to manage the complicatedrelationships that come with
triangulation is mentally andemotionally exhausting.
And those of us who are peoplepleasers or who are generous,
caring individuals will try tomanage each relationship instead
of managing ourselves in thoserelationships.
(05:19):
Being stuck in the middle canalso make you feel isolated
since it's hard to find someonewho really understands what
you're going through.
Carrying other people's problemsand secrets is overwhelming and
will leave you drained and withlittle to no energy for your own
needs.
There are usually three roles inthis situation called
(05:41):
triangulation.
The first one is the person whofeels hurt or mistreated.
The second one is the personseen as causing the harm, which
is also known as the persecutor.
And number three, the person whotries to step in as a mediator
or and just a note, the firstone, the person who feels hurt
or mistreated is usuallyreferred to as the victim.
(06:05):
I'm not a fan of that word, butI'm still looking for a better
word.
And if you have any ideas,please let me know.
Triangulation is an indirect wayof dealing with conflict that is
often learned from familyexperiences or from watching
others.
It can hurt your emotionalhealth and break down trust in
yourself and your relationships.
(06:27):
Instead of being direct aboutyour thoughts or feelings,
someone using triangulationmight hint at things, spread
rumors, or use subtle, shadytactics to create tension
between two other people.
This can lead to confusion,resentment, anxiety, and even
more arguments.
(06:49):
Understanding how triangulationworks can help you spot it early
and make better choices in howyou manage yourself and that
situation, whether it's aboutlove and belonging, freedom,
fun, power, or feeling safe.
Those happen to be the fiveprimary relationship needs that
(07:12):
we today, as modern humans,have.
Everything else, all of ourother needs are directly related
to these higher level needsbecause we all have one that we
gravitate to that brings out thebest in us.
And then we have one that justdoes not create the best in us.
(07:34):
We just aren't feeling oursolid, grounded, confident
selves.
And to learn which one of thefive yours is, you can do that
by taking my free relationshipneeds quiz at needs.drhawks.com.
As I mentioned earlier, you cansee triangulation happening in
(07:56):
many situations.
Romantic relationships, familyinteractions, friendships, and
workplaces.
Triangulation is extremelyharmful because it creates
mistrust, jealousy, andcompetition, making it hard for
people to connect honestly andcommunicate openly.
(08:18):
Knowing, recognizing, andunderstanding it will help you
recognize manipulative behaviorearly on, as I mentioned
earlier, so that you can addressit directly to prevent further
harm and encourage clearer, morehonest conversation.
Today we're going to cover whattriangulation is in
relationships, common ways andexamples in how it shows up, the
(08:44):
reasons behind it, and practicaltips on spotting it when it
happens.
Tips on how to end this harmfulpattern are unique to you and
your relationship.
I truly wish I could dive intosolving it here with you if you
are experiencing this in yourrelationships.
(09:04):
Alternatively, I invite you toschedule a free consultation at
contact.drhawks.com to explorefurther support and guidance on
this topic.
In the next section, I'm goingto delve deeper into what
triangulation looks like indifferent relationships and how
(09:25):
it manifests in various examplesand scenarios.
This will help you develop abetter understanding of its
impact and recognize the signsmore readily.
So let's begin by examiningtriangulation in romantic
relationships, where it oftenemerges in the form of emotional
(09:47):
manipulation or playing onepartner against the other.
Triangulation usually involvesspecific roles that lead to
unhealthy ways of communicating.
Knowing what these roles are canhelp you see where you or others
might fit into a triangulatedrelationship.
(10:09):
I mentioned these roles before,but I'm going to talk a little
bit more about them and give yousome examples.
Number one, the victim role.
The victim is the person beingemotionally manipulated and
stuck between others.
This person often feelsconfused, doubts themselves,
(10:30):
worries about being judged, andmay just want to smooth things
over.
They may feel powerless and findit hard to face the situation
directly because they'reoverwhelmed by mixed messages or
emotional stress.
The victim might also blamethemselves and question their
own actions or worth, whichmakes them feel even more
(10:51):
vulnerable and alone.
Let's talk about the victim rolemanipulation.
Victim role manipulation is whensomeone pretends to be a victim
in a situation to gain sympathy,avoid blame, or control how
others see and treat them.
(11:11):
Instead of dealing with theissue directly with that person,
they may exaggerate how badlythey've been treated or involve
others by saying things like,everyone thinks you're being
unfair to me.
This can make people side withthem, isolate the real target,
or shift attention away fromtheir own behavior.
(11:32):
In relationships or groups, thistactic is often used to
influence opinions, createalliances, or just avoid
responsibility.
Here are some phrases thatindicate someone's playing the
victim role to manipulate you.
You're always so mean to me.
Even Sarah noticed it and feltbad for me.
(11:54):
I had to tell mom how much yourwords hurt me because I couldn't
handle it alone.
Even my friends think I don'tdeserve how you treat me.
Let me give you a more detailedexample.
And a side note here is thatthese are examples from clients
that I have worked with.
Their names have been changed toprotect their identity and their
(12:17):
confidentiality.
Anna and Leslie are sisters.
Sometimes they argue aboutchores or whose turn it is to
use the computer.
One day, Leslie wanted to watchher favorite show, but Anna said
she needed the computer forhomework.
Instead of talking to Annadirectly about how she felt and
negotiating a suitable time touse the computer that would work
(12:41):
with both of them, where shewould have quiet time.
Instead of talking with Annadirectly about how she felt and
negotiating a mutually suitabletime to use the computer in
quiet.
Leslie went to their mom andsaid, Anna is always so mean to
me.
She never lets me have a turn,and even my friend Emma says
(13:02):
it's not fair.
I just end up feeling so sad allthe time because I never get my
way.
By saying this, Leslie madeherself look like the victim and
made Anna seem like the badsister.
She also brought Emma into thestory, even though Emma didn't
know much about what washappening.
Hoping their mom would take herside or maybe even talk to Anna
(13:26):
for her.
This made Anna feel guilty andupset instead of solving the
problem by talking together.
The whole family startedchoosing sides.
Leslie makes herself look likethe victim, hoping to get
sympathy from others and askingthem to support her feelings or
step in for her.
This kind of manipulation cancreate groups against the
(13:49):
targeted person, making thatperson feel more guilty and
making the conflict worse byinvolving more people instead of
promoting direct communicationand problem solving.
Number two, the persecutor role.
The persecutor is the one whostirs up conflict between people
(14:10):
for their own benefit.
This person uses indirectmethods like gossip, showing
favoritism, or subtle provoking,instigating, to control what's
happening and keep their powerand dominance over others.
Their goal is usually to createdivision and keep people unsure
(14:32):
of themselves so that they canstay in control and be the
savior.
Persecutors rarely confrontissues openly.
Instead, they work behind thescenes to manipulate situations,
making it hard for others todeal with the real problem
directly.
Here are some phrases that couldsignal you that someone's using
(14:52):
persecutor role manipulation.
He told me you were the onecausing all the problems.
She said you started this fight,not me.
Other people agree that you'rebeing unreasonable.
Here's what persecutor rolemanipulation looks like in a
dating relationship.
Emily and Chris have beentogether for a while.
(15:15):
Lately, small disagreements seemto blow up out of nowhere.
Chris often feels like he can'tdo anything right, but he's not
sure why.
Here's how the persecutor rolemanipulation played out between
them.
Emily said, You know, you'dnever help around the house.
(15:36):
I don't even know why I botherasking you anymore.
Chris says, That's not true.
I did the dishes yesterday andtook out the trash this morning.
Emily, sighing, says, Well,apparently that's all you think
you have to do.
Honestly, my friend Sarah said,if her boyfriend acted like you
do, she'd be furious too.
Chris says, Why are you bringingSarah into this?
(15:59):
This is between us.
Emily, raising her voice, says,Because maybe if you listen to
someone else for a change, you'drealize how lazy and
inconsiderate you're being.
Even my mom noticed it last timeshe was over.
She asked me how I put up withit.
Chris said, I didn't know yourmom felt that way.
(16:19):
I thought things were fine.
Emily says, things would be fineif you stopped acting like the
problem is me whenever we talkabout chores.
But no, you always play thevictim and try to make me look
like the bad guy.
In this example, Emily uses thepersecutor role manipulation by
exaggerating Chris'sshortcomings and involving Sarah
(16:42):
and her mom as backup for hercomplaints.
She takes on the role of thepersecutor, painting Chris as
lazy and inconsiderate whilemaking herself seem justified in
her anger.
This indirect way ofcommunication confuses Chris but
also makes him feel isolated andattacked, instead of encouraging
(17:04):
open discussion about theirissues.
A healthier way of addressingthis is for Emily to talk about
what's happening in the presentmoment that makes her feel like
she's not being supported withchores, for Chris to ask her
more questions as to whetherthis has just happened recently
or if it's been ongoing, and forthem to sit down and talk about
(17:25):
all the chores that have to bedone in the house and assigning
them to each other in a healthyway based on the strengths and
honestly how quickly each onecan get it done, and a schedule
for how to get it done.
There's a lot of other ways todo that, but I wanted to provide
you one approach to handling it.
(17:46):
Number three is the rescuerrole.
The rescuer can either encouragemanipulation or step in to help
one person, sometimes withoutrealizing they're supporting a
toxic situation.
Most of my clients are in therescuer role and they are
experiencing the victimmanipulation and persecutor
(18:09):
manipulation.
Rescuers might try to settleconflicts, but end up making
things worse by picking sides orprotecting someone from facing
the consequences of theiractions.
Rescuers often feel the need tofix problems, but by doing so,
they may accidentally shield themanipulator and discourage
(18:30):
honest communication.
In a healthier role, rescuersencourage open conversations and
help victims speak up forthemselves without enabling
unhealthy patterns.
When I work with rescuers, Ishow them how to shift the
dialogue so that the victim isno longer attacked and the
(18:51):
manipulator no longer feels inpower.
Their power is diffused.
Let me give you some examples ofthe rescuer role manipulation
and how this would look now.
And how this could show up.
Don't worry, I'll talk to himfor you, even though she's
really upset with what you did.
Let me handle this with ourboss, since everyone else is
(19:15):
frustrated with your work.
I'll smooth things over with mombecause she's angry at what
happened between you two.
Here's a more detailed example.
Sarah and Jake met in college.
At first they connected easily,and Sarah often talked about how
much drama she had with herroommates and her family.
(19:36):
She always seemed stressed andwould say things like, My mom
just doesn't understand me.
I wish someone could help hersee how hard I'm trying.
Jake would listen and offeradvice.
Soon Sarah started bringing upher problems with her friends
too.
Jessica is being so cold lately,she said one day.
(19:57):
Can you talk to her for me?
Maybe you can make her see myside.
You're really good at calmingpeople down.
Jake wanted to help, so hemessaged Jessica to try and
smooth things over.
This pattern continued as theirrelationship grew.
Whenever Sarah had a conflict,whether it was with friends,
(20:18):
professors, or later withcoworkers, she would turn to
Jake.
Could you email my professor andexplain why my assignment was
late?
He listens to you more than me,she'd suggest.
Jake began feeling important inSarah's life.
He liked being needed.
So he kept stepping in, talkingto her friends when there were
(20:40):
arguments, handling awkwardsituations at work events, even
calling her mom to explainmisunderstandings.
After college, they moved intogether.
When planning their wedding,Sarah leaned on Jake even more.
My sister is upset about thebridesmaid dresses.
Can you call her and fix it?
(21:00):
At every turn, Sarah positionedherself as the victim of unfair
treatment and asked Jake torescue her from each situation.
If he hesitated or suggested shehandle something herself, Sarah
would sigh and just say, Ithought you cared enough to help
me.
(21:21):
By the time they married, Jakewas accustomed to smoothing
things over for Sarah witheveryone in their lives.
He didn't realize that thisrescuer role had become a
condition of their relationship.
And he didn't see that Sarah hadmanipulated situations so that
he would keep saving her insteadof encouraging her to have
(21:45):
direct communication orindependence.
Now that I've covered the threecommon roles that occur in this
form of manipulation calledtriangulation, where a person
involves other people in the waythey manipulate you, I want to
talk about the common forms andsigns that triangulation is
(22:06):
happening through some moreexamples for you.
As I've said before,triangulation can show up in
very different ways in yourrelationships.
Here's an example in a marriagesituation.
Anna and Mark have been marriedfor five years.
Lately, Anna feels like Markisn't listening to her when she
(22:28):
talks about her day.
Instead of telling Mark how shefeels, Anna starts spending more
time talking to her friend Sarahabout their problems.
One evening, when Mark asksAnna, is something wrong?
Anna says, Sarah agrees that younever really listen to me.
She thinks I deserve moreattention from you.
Mark feels hurt and confusedbecause he didn't know Anna was
(22:51):
so upset.
And now he feels like Sarah istaking sides against him.
Later, Anna goes out with Sarahand some other friends without
inviting Mark.
She posts happy pictures onlinewith captions like, with people
who truly get me.
When Mark sees the photos andasks why he wasn't invited, Anna
(23:12):
says, I just needed to be withpeople who appreciate me.
Mark starts feeling left out andjealous.
Instead of talking directly toeach other and working through
their feelings, Anna's actionsmake Mark feel even more
insecure in their relationship.
This creates more distancebetween them and makes it harder
(23:33):
for them to solve their problemstogether.
This example shows how bringinganother person into a couple's
conflict either by seekingsupport from someone else or by
making the partner feel excludedcan create jealousy, hurt
feelings, and bigger problems inthe relationship.
I'm going to now walk throughsome different categories or
(23:57):
different types of triangulationthat you'll probably recognize.
This example shows how bringinganother person into a couple's
conflict, either by seekingsupport from someone else or
making the partner feelexcluded, or even including
somebody that you think willhelp you.
This can create jealousy, hurtfeelings, and bigger problems in
(24:20):
the relationship.
Oftentimes it's more effectiveif you're experiencing
triangulation to hire aprofessional coach or a
counselor to help you solve theissue, as opposed to involving
third parties.
Now I want to go through sometypes of triangulation that
(24:43):
occur so that you can get abetter understanding of how this
shows up in everydayrelationships.
And I apologize in advancebecause now that you're going to
learn this, you're going tostart noticing people do it.
And I'm sorry I'm doing that toyou, but it's for your benefit
(25:05):
and for you to just observe andnot try to fix it and be the
rescuer.
The first type is favoritism.
You know, the golden childversus the scapegoat situation.
In families, triangulation oftenappears as favoritism, where one
child is treated better than theothers.
(25:27):
This creates a golden childversus scapegoat situation, with
the favored child getting moreattention and special treatment
while the others are blamed orignored.
Things like this are said byparents.
Your sister always listens to meand does what I ask.
Why can't you be more like her?
Dad told me I'm his favorite,and he's really disappointed in
(25:51):
you.
Mom says you always mess thingsup, but I never do.
Favoritism shows up in verysubtle but hurtful ways.
In the Johnson family business,two siblings, Sam and Lily, both
worked under their mom'ssupervision.
Their mom often praised Lilyduring team meetings by saying
(26:13):
things like, Lily always getsher reports in on time.
Sam, why can't you be more likeyour sister?
while ignoring or criticizingSam's efforts.
This pattern continued at home.
At family dinners, their fatherwould say things like, Lily
helped me fix the car today.
She's always so helpful, barelymentioning anything Sam did.
(26:37):
Sometimes he'd talk to Lilyprivately and say, You're my
favorite.
I wish your brother would tryharder.
Sam often overheard thesecomments or found out about them
from Lily.
The favoritism drove a wedgebetween the siblings.
Lily felt pressure to keepliving up to her golden child
image and worried about lettingher parents down.
(27:01):
Meanwhile, Sam started pullingback from family talks and
stopped volunteering for newprojects at work, feeling like
nothing he did would evermatter.
Over time, this cycle where onechild was favored and the other
blamed hurt Sam's confidence anddamaged their relationship as
(27:21):
siblings.
Instead of working together attheir job or supporting each
other at home, both ended upfeeling alone.
Lily burdened by highexpectations and guilt, and Sam
by anger and rejection.
The family's habit of nottalking openly about problems
and showing favoritism made italmost impossible for either
(27:46):
sibling to express how they feltor to fix their broken
relationship.
As the rescuer, Lilyunintentionally took on the role
of the rescuer, constantlystriving to meet her parents'
expectations and trying tobridge the gap between Sam and
(28:08):
their parents.
In doing so, she inadvertentlyreinforced their parents'
favoritism.
Sam, on the other hand, feltlike the victim, constantly
overshadowed and invalidated.
He became withdrawn andresentful, and he was unable to
voice his frustrations or seeksupport from his family.
(28:28):
Their father played the role ofthe persecutor, perpetuating
favoritism and creating a toxicdynamic in the family.
The emotional effects of thisdysfunctional family dynamic are
significant.
Both Lily and Sam have probablysuffered long-term consequences,
such as low self-esteem, troublebuilding healthy relationships,
(28:53):
and a constant feeling of notbeing heard or valued, feeding a
cycle of insecurity.
Healing from these experiencestakes time, effort, and a real
willingness to change fromeveryone involved, and with
individual support from atrained professional
relationship and communicationcoach like myself or a counselor
(29:17):
who's trained in triangulation.
Still, with the right support,this family can break away from
harmful patterns and startrebuilding their relationships
based on trust and understandingif they become aware of the
damage that this is creating andbecome aware that change is not
as hard as they may think, andthat they acknowledge that these
(29:41):
behaviors are learned andworked, but they're creating
damage, and new behaviors arenecessary in order to create
healthier children, healthieradults, and a healthier
relationship with each other.
This is why favoritism ismanipulation.
The parents' favoritism is aform.
Of emotional manipul.
(30:02):
By regularly showing preferencefor one child, they create an
unhealthy power imbalance in thefamily, and they are then able
to control how everyoneinteracts.
This kind of manipulationcrushes the individuality and
self-worth of the less favoredchild, often leaving them
(30:22):
feeling inadequate and isolated.
Recognizing these behaviors isessential in order to move past
them and build a healthier, morebalanced family environment.
In summary, the toxic dynamiccreated by the parents'
favoritism has had a profoundemotional impact on Lily and
(30:43):
Sam.
It has affected theirself-esteem, their ability to
form relationships, theirability to form healthy
relationships and have healthycommunication, and their overall
sense of worth.
With the right support and agenuine commitment to change,
this family can begin theirhealing process and work towards
(31:06):
building healthier, morenurturing relationships.
The second type of triangulationinvolves stirring up jealousy by
bringing in new friends orpartners.
This is purposefully makingsomeone feel jealous,
intentionally making themjealous.
This can happen when someonebrings new romantic partners or
(31:29):
friends into the picture to makeothers feel left out or unsure
about their place in therelationship.
Alex said she thinks I'm waymore fun than you.
I've been talking to someoneelse who actually cares about
what I feel.
My friend agrees with me thatyou're overreacting.
Those are examples of phrasesyou might hear that stirs up
(31:53):
jealousy.
Here's a story example.
Mia and her partner Jordan hadbeen arguing more than usual.
Rather than talking about theirproblems directly, Mia started
bringing up her new coworker,Tyler, all the time.
At dinner, she laughed aboutinside jokes they shared and
(32:14):
compared Jordan's sense of humorto Tyler's, saying Tyler was
funnier.
When Jordan said it botheredhim, Mia brushed it off, saying,
You're just being insecure.
Tyler understands me in a waythat you haven't lately.
The next weekend, Mia went outwith Tyler and his friends
without inviting Jordan.
(32:35):
She posted photos on socialmedia, showing herself laughing
and having a great time withthem.
When Jordan asked why he wasn'tincluded, Mia said, I needed a
break with people who actuallylistened to me.
Jordan started feeling jealousand began doubting his place in
the relationship.
Instead of working through theirissues together and with
(32:57):
professional support, Mia'sactions made him feel even more
insecure and pushed them fartherapart, showing how stirring up
jealousy can be used to createdistance between partners.
This shows how stirring upjealousy can be used to create
distance between partners.
As a side note, the reason why Irecommend professional support
(33:22):
and professional coaching isbecause coaching is very much
about learning what's going onthat is unhealthy in these
triangulation situations andidentifying ways to resolve
them.
It's a very move forward,action-oriented type of approach
(33:45):
to professional support insteadof looking at what Jordan did
was wrong, what Mia did wasincorrect.
There's no criticizing orjudging or any of that, much
less looking at your childhoodtraumas or criticizing your
parents, etc.
In professional coaching, it'sreally about looking at what's
(34:06):
what is happening, how is itaffecting you, and how is it
affecting your partner or theother person, and how is it
affecting your relationship?
And talking about what is itthat you want instead?
What would you like to havehappen?
And assessing whether what it isyou would like to have instead
is healthy, adjusting thatdesired result that you want to
(34:31):
have a little bit so that itrestores a healthy dynamic, and
then teaching you and showingyou ways to interact that create
more of the result that you andyour partner or the other person
involved would like to haveinstead.
The bottom line is triangulationand manipulation takes a lot of
energy.
(34:52):
Ultimately, it will drain you,it will affect your health and
well-being, it'll affect yourproductivity, and it just gets
tiring and exhausting tomaintain it, regardless of which
role you're in, the rescuer, thevictim, or the persecutor.
Now let me talk about thedifferent roles with that story
(35:15):
example I just provided.
As the rescuer, Mark takes onthe role by presenting himself
as the bearer of concerns fromothers.
He positions himself as someonewho is looking out for Anna's
best interests, even if it meansrelaying potentially negative
feedback.
Anna is placed in the victimrole as she is being targeted
(35:37):
with these vagueness,accusations, and statements.
She is left feeling confused,anxious, and unsure about how to
address the situation.
The unidentified everyone orpeople are presented as the
persecutors who have expressedtheir dissatisfaction or
(35:58):
concerns about Anna's actions orbehavior.
Here's the emotional impact.
Anna's emotional well-being isheavily impacted by this.
The lack of clarity and specificfeedback leaves her feeling
isolated, anxious, and unsureabout how she is perceived by
her team.
The ongoing ambiguitysurrounding these concerns
(36:21):
exacerbates her distress,preventing her from addressing
the issue directly or seekingresolution.
The unchecked power dynamicwithin this situation creates
and perpetuates a toxic workenvironment that hinders
productivity and collaboration.
This manipulation technique iseffective because it exploits
(36:42):
Anna's desire for acceptance andapproval from her team.
By presenting himself as aconcerned intermediary, Mark
gains influence over Anna'sperception of herself and the
situation.
The vagueness of the accusationsallows for plausible
deniability, making it difficultfor Anna to challenge or address
(37:02):
the issue directly.
This power imbalance leaves herfeeling disempowered and
dependent on Mark forinformation and validation.
The lack of clarity and specificfeedback leaves her feeling
isolated, anxious, and unsureabout how she's perceived by her
team.
Mark, as the rescuer, positionshimself as the one who can help
(37:24):
Anna navigate the situation.
By doing so, he gains a sense ofpower and control over her
emotions and actions.
Anna's team then becomes thepersecutors.
They are indirectly causingdistress to Anna by perpetuating
rumors and making her questionher own worth and abilities.
(37:45):
Anna is cast as the victim,caught in the middle of this
manipulation.
She feels powerless and unableto address the issue directly,
which then reinforces thevictimhood.
Anna must prioritize her ownself-worth and seek support from
trusted individuals andprofessionals who can help her
navigate this challengingsituation.
(38:07):
By recognizing the manipulationat play and asserting herself
and learning how to assertherself without creating more
conflict, Anna can begin toreclaim her power and break free
from this cycle oftriangulation.
Mark's manipulation technique iseffective because it exploits
Anna's desire for acceptance andapproval from her team.
(38:29):
By presenting himself as aconcerned, caring person as an
intermediary, Mark gainsinfluence over Anna's perception
of herself and the situation.
The vagueness of the accusationsallows for plausible
deniability, making it difficultfor Anna to challenge or address
the issue directly.
(38:49):
This power imbalance leaves herfeeling disempowered and
dependent on Mark forinformation and validation.
Now let's talk about the only Ican do this for you type of
manipulation.
This type of triangulationhappens when one partner or
person acts like they're theonly one who can meet an
important emotional need, offersupport, or provide something
(39:12):
essential.
They may suggest openly orsubtly that no one else can do
this for you.
This is a serious manipulativetactic meant to isolate the
other person and make themdependent.
Here's a story example.
Imagine Alex and Jordan are in arelationship.
Whenever Jordan feels upset orneeds advice, Alex says things
(39:34):
like, Nobody understands youlike I do.
Your friends just don't get whatyou need.
I'm the only one who reallycares about you.
If you ever left me, you wouldnever find anyone who could help
you the way I can.
In this scenario, Alex castshimself as uniquely essential
(39:56):
while subtly framing others,such as friends as fam such as
friends and family, asinadequate.
Jordan starts to questionwhether their needs can truly be
met by anyone else and thenbecomes less likely to reach out
to others for support.
Alex, as the rescuer, claimsexclusive power to meet Jordan's
(40:19):
emotional needs.
Jordan, as the victim, is madeto feel that only Alex can help
or understand her.
Friends or family, as thepersecutors, are depicted as
uncaring or incapable.
The emotional impact on Jordanis that she begins to feel
isolated from their supportnetwork and increasingly
(40:41):
dependent on Alex for validationand comfort.
Over time, this erodes herself-trust and confidence, and
she stops seeking professionalhelp or other help outside the
relationship.
Or, by insisting only I can dothis for you, Alex avoids direct
communication about needs andboundaries.
(41:01):
Instead, they both create anunhealthy situation where Jordan
feels trapped, caught betweenloyalty to Alex, and doubt about
others' intentions.
This limits Jordan's freedom andautonomy within the
relationship.
The only I can do this for youstrategy is a classic
triangulation move.
It leverages exclusivity anddependency to control a romantic
(41:26):
partner's access to support andcare, ultimately undermining
their sense of independence andconnection with others.
Now let's talk about the theysaid form of manipulation and
triangulation.
This happens when one persontries to influence the other by
referencing a third party'ssupposed opinion creating doubt
(41:47):
or insecurity.
Alex says, you know, my friendTaylor said you're really
distant lately.
Honestly, I didn't want tobelieve it, but now I'm starting
to see what they mean.
In this scenario, Alex doesn'tdirectly communicate his own
feelings, but instead brings inan outside perspective.
Whether it's real or fabricatedto make Jordan question
(42:10):
themselves, but instead bringsin an outside perspective, real
or fabricated, to make Jordanquestion herself.
The they said tactic can makethe victim feel isolated and
worried about how othersperceive them, pushing them to
seek reassurance from themanipulator or to change their
behavior out of fear ofjudgment.
(42:31):
This indirect approach avoidshonest conversation and keeps
the true source of criticismhidden.
And that is the hallmark oftriangulation.
In this example, I'm gonna sharemore about how these roles take
form.
The rescular role is often takenon by the manipulator.
(42:52):
They position themselves as thesavior, offering support and
care to their partner whilesubtly undermining their sense
of self-reliance.
The persecutor role isoftentimes played by the third
party whose opinions or actionsare being referenced.
(43:12):
They probably or may not even beaware that they're being used as
a weapon in the manipulator'sgame.
The victim is the partner who'ssubjected to the manipulation.
They may feel confused, hurt,and trapped, struggling to
maintain their own autonomy andfind their voice in their
relationship.
(43:33):
By the way, I wanted to bringyour attention to words I'm
using.
I'm using belonging andapproval, and in this example,
autonomy.
Those words are directly relatedto the five primary relationship
needs we each have.
And so autonomy equates tofreedom, the freedom
(43:56):
relationship need.
Belonging equates to the loveand belonging relationship need.
Safety equates to the safety andsurvival relationship need.
I'm calling this out to youbecause these five needs show up
every single day in ourinteractions and within
ourselves as we're interactingwith the world in our lives.
(44:20):
So I do invite you to take theprimary relationship needs quiz
at needs.drdarhawks.com andlearn what your dominant, your
preferred relationship need is,and what your least dominant
need is, so that you can learnmore about the topics that I
(44:45):
talk about in the BetterRelationships podcast, and you
can relate to them from theperspective of your own dominant
or preferred relationship need,and that one need that is your
shadow or weaker need.
It's the one that doesn't bringout the best in you.
(45:05):
Let's now talk about theemotional impact on you of being
caught in the middle.
I can say from personalexperience as a child,
triangulation causes deepemotional stress for those
involved.
Being manipulated this way leadsto constant confusion, anxiety,
self-doubt, lack of self-worthor questioning self-worth, and
(45:30):
insecurity.
You might question your ownfeelings and judgment, and may
be unsure of who you can trust.
Over time, this will drain yourconfidence and lowers your
self-esteem.
When you are repeatedly pulledinto conflicts you did not
start, it's normal to feelhelpless or full of self-doubt.
Triangulation can show up inseveral ways, including having
(45:53):
trouble setting clear boundariesbecause manipulation makes
personal limits unclear,frequent conflicts that start
from indirect communication orspreading rumors, feeling left
out or isolated as themanipulator decides who is
included or excluded, becomingmore hesitant to share your
feelings openly because youworry they'll be used against
(46:14):
you, feeling like you'reconstantly walking on eggshells,
or think you're using or thinkyou're being used as a pawn in
someone else's game.
These are just some examples.
There are many others that I'msure you can reflect on as well.
A compassionate person who isrepeatedly triangulated might
(46:34):
experience a range of complexemotions, including deep sadness
or grief over the loss of trustand connections in the
relationships they care about,guilt for wanting to withdraw or
protect themselves, fearing thatthis means they're not being
supportive enough, heightenedempathy for everyone involved,
(46:56):
leading to emotional overwhelmor feeling responsible for
fixing the situation,frustration or resentment at
being misunderstood ormisrepresented by others, a
sense of betrayal when theirkindness is manipulated or
weaponized against them,hopelessness when repeated
efforts to resolve conflicts areignored or twisted, shame for
(47:18):
getting caught up in drama eventhough they acted with good
intentions, emotional, mental,and physical fatigue from
continuously mediating or tryingto keep the peace with others,
between others, increasedself-doubt as their motives and
actions are questioned ordistorted by the manipulator,
(47:39):
fear of being labeled asdifficult or too sensitive if
they speak up about themanipulation, loneliness when
their genuine attempts atconnection result in further
isolation, confusion over whytheir compassion seems to invite
mistreatment rather than mutualrespect, emotional exhaustion
(48:00):
from constantly being on guardfor manipulative tactics and
trying to anticipate themanipulator's next move, a sense
of powerlessness as they witnessthe manipulator's ability to
sway others and manipulatesituations to their advantage,
loss of self-esteem as thegaslighting and manipulation
erode their confidence and senseof self-worth.
(48:23):
Anxiety and hyper-vigilancealways second-guessing
themselves and theirinteractions with others.
Desire for justice andvalidation, yearning for others
to see through the manipulator'sfacade.
Despite these challengingemotions, you do possess a
resilience that can help youheal and regain your strength.
(48:44):
It is important for you to setboundaries, seek support from
trusted professionals, andpractice self-care in order to
protect your mental andemotional well-being.
These feelings can deeply affecta compassionate, caring person's
self-sense of self-worth andwell-being, making it crucial to
(49:07):
recognize these patterns as soonas possible.
It is important for you torecognize and accept that you
deserve to be in healthy,respectful relationships where
your thoughts and feelings arevalued.
By setting clear boundaries,asserting your needs, and
(49:29):
seeking professional support,you can start to build and
regain a sense of control andyour self-esteem.
The longer triangulation orfrankly any other kind of
manipulation goes unchecked, themore deeply these unhealthy
dynamics take hold.
Noticing them is an importantstep toward breaking free from
(49:50):
manipulation and bringingbalance back to your
relationships.
When you choose to work with meas your relationship healer and
communication coach, there arethings that you and I can do
without you ever really havingto discuss anything with the
(50:11):
manipulator that will change thepatterns and the behaviors that
you are experiencing.
I like to say that it takes twopeople's energies to create a
result or a response or areaction.
And when one person implements,change, or transforms theirs,
(50:34):
then the other person startsbehaving differently.
And that is the gift that I havethat differentiates me from
other service providers.
I encourage you to schedule afree consultation with me, and
you can do that by going tocontact.drhawks.com.
(50:54):
Now I want to share about howtriangulation is learned or
where it comes from.
It often starts in childhood,learned from family members and
early relationships.
Kids watch how adults handleconflicts and emotions.
If their parents or othercaregivers use indirect ways to
(51:15):
solve problems, like talkingabout it, like talking about one
child to another instead ofaddressing the issues directly,
children pick up on this patternand over time it becomes a
habit.
Sometimes triangulation is usedbecause people don't feel safe
expressing their feelingsopenly.
(51:35):
They might fear rejection,punishment, or being ignored if
they speak up.
Instead, they involve a thirdperson to get support, gain an
advantage, or avoidconfrontation.
In families where favoritismhappens, like the Golden Child
versus Scapegoat situation Italked about earlier, children
may learn to use triangulationto gain approval or avoid blame.
(51:59):
Siblings might compete forattention by bringing parents
into their disagreements or bygossiping about each other.
At school and work, people canalso learn triangulation by
seeing others use gossip,alliances, or exclusion as ways
to get what they want or avoiddealing with their issues face
(52:20):
to face or within themselves.
In short, triangulation islearned from watching and
experiencing indirectcommunication patterns at home,
school, work, or otherinstitutions.
People keep using it because itfeels safer than direct
communication, and frankly, theydon't know how to have direct
communication without creatingmore conflict for themselves or
(52:44):
in the interaction with others,even though it causes more harm
in the long run.
Recognizing where it comes fromis your first step to breaking
this cycle and buildinghealthier relationships.
The best way to keep this fromhappening in your relationships
is to focus on directcommunication where you talk
openly, directly, and honestlywith the people involved.
(53:08):
Establish clear boundaries withothers to avoid being drawn into
these situations.
Seek mediation and professionalsupport.
As I mentioned before, gettingsupport and professional help
truly is a better path whendealing with triangulated
relationships, or if youexperience this from childhood
(53:28):
to now, dealing with it on yourown can make you feel alone.
So having a strong, supportivepartner is important.
Relationship and communicationcoaching truly is a partnership
with you to help you achievewhat it is you're wanting to
achieve and for you to heal andcreate different relationship
(53:50):
interactions where triangulationand manipulation no longer has
power over you or is no longereffective.
You need people who will listenwithout judging and will help
you trust your own feelings.
While you may have trustedfriends or family that can be
sounding boards where they offeryou clear perspectives when
manipulative behavior leaves youfeeling confused, chances are
(54:15):
they're not trained in gettingthe behavior to stop having an
effect on you.
They certainly can offer solacein the moment for you, which is
absolutely necessary.
But getting the behavior to stopis probably not in their domain
of expertise where they've beentrained professionally to do
that.
(54:36):
So my guidance for you isabsolutely lean on your trusted
friends or family members whocan be sounding boards that can
help you gain clarity, get yourmind in the right place, and
bring your emotions more inbalance in the moment.
That is absolutely a healthything to do.
But if you're wanting to work onmaking the behavior stop, that's
(54:59):
where a professional resourcecomes into play.
When you're building yoursupport system with trusted
friends or family, here are someguidelines for you.
Pick your allies carefully.
Choose people who areconsistently empathetic and
reliable.
Avoid those who mayunintentionally support
(55:20):
manipulative patterns.
Share your experiences.
Talking openly about what'shappening with your trusted
allies can help clear upconfusion that you're
experiencing caused by indirectcommunication or gossip.
Ask for honest feedback fromthem.
When you're unsure about asituation, trusted supporters
(55:42):
can help you check the facts andquestion false stories.
Seek professional guidance.
Those of us who are experiencedin emotional manipulation can
teach you how to set boundariesand rebuild your self-esteem.
They can help you work towardsstopping the behavior and stop
(56:05):
not only the effects ofmanipulation on you, but also
stop manipulation beingeffective for them.
Combining personal support withprofessional help gives you a
strong foundation for healing.
It will help you regain control,develop healthier relationships,
and lessen the negative impactof toxic dynamics and also work
(56:28):
towards you no longer attractingthem.
Sometimes a decision needs to bemade to walk away from toxic
conversations, toxic moments, oreven relationships, temporarily,
in some extreme cases,permanently.
I invite you to watch for thesewarning signs.
Ongoing manipulation,conversations that often involve
(56:51):
indirect control, gossip, orplaying favorites with no real
effort to resolve the issues.
Emotional exhaustion.
You feel drained, anxious, orunsettled after talks that leave
you confused or doubtingyourself.
No responsibility taken.
The person manipulating usuallydenies their actions or refuses
(57:13):
to admit the harm caused bytheir behavior.
Boundaries are consistentlyignored.
Even after you set clearboundaries, they're repeatedly
crossed.
They are repeatedly crossedwithout any change.
Attempts to isolate you.
Someone tries to keep you fromtalking directly with others,
cutting you off from support orclarity.
(57:35):
Walking away doesn't always meanending a relationship for good.
Sometimes it's just aboutputting some distance between
yourself and them from certainconversations or situations to
protect your mental well-being.
You might need to limit contactfor a while until trust and
respect can be restored.
(57:56):
Remove yourself fromenvironments where manipulation
happens.
Focus instead on spaces thatsupport open and honest
communication.
Knowing when to step back helpsyou take control and break free
from harmful relationshipdynamics.
Here's an example from my ownlife.
(58:32):
Ultimately, it really hurt mybody's health and my emotional
health.
And then one day I decided tolook at the patterns between all
the different companies that Ihad worked for, and my eyes were
opened.
I saw the behaviors that I'veshared with you here.
And I decided I was going toalign with opportunities that
(58:54):
matched my values and respectedthe five primary relationship
needs of love and belonging,freedom and autonomy, fun, being
and feeling empowered, andfeeling safe and no longer being
in survival mode, but inthriving mode.
As soon as I made that decisionand started unwinding and
(59:17):
putting distance around in therelationships that were not
healthy, I started attractingmore of the good stuff.
So it really is about rewiringyour mind and body to stop being
affected and impacted bymanipulators and manipulative
and toxic environments.
(59:37):
And as soon as you do that, andhopefully you'll do that working
with me in collaboration withme, you will start to notice
things change in your life.
Now I want to share examples ofhow triangulation happens with
these five relationship needs.
Triangulation usually shows upwhen someone tries, often in an
(59:57):
unhealthy way, to meet one.
Of the five basic primaryrelationship needs that I say
shape how we interact, behave,make choices, and communicate
with others.
Understanding these five needshelps explain why people use
triangulation and how it impactseveryone involved.
(01:00:18):
You can find out your dominantrelationship need by taking the
free quiz at needs.drhawks.com.
And by the way, when you chooseto coach with me, we will talk
about your relationship needsand talk about the scenarios and
relationships and situationswhere you're experiencing
triangulation.
(01:00:39):
And we will work on removing theconnection that those people
that are using it against youhave on you and restore them to
a healthy place to where whatthey do just doesn't work
anymore.
It just doesn't work.
And you'll also know what to sayand what to do if they try.
(01:01:00):
Number one, love and belonging.
Triangulation takes advantage ofyour need to feel connected.
A manipulator might create teamsor rivalries between people to
feel more loved themselves or tocontrol who gets emotional
support, and that makes othersdepend more on them.
Number two, freedom or autonomy.
(01:01:23):
If someone feels theirindependence is threatened, they
might use triangulation to getcontrol back without being
direct.
By bringing a third person intothe mix, they cause confusion
and split loyalties, whichlimits open conversation and
other people's freedom.
(01:01:44):
Which limits open conversationsand other people's freedom.
Number three, fun.
Even your need for fun can beused against you.
When someone stirs up drama orjealousy through triangulation,
relationships turn intoemotional games that might seem
(01:02:05):
exciting, but actually damagetrust and real enjoyment.
Number four, feeling empowered.
Power is often at the heart oftriangulation and manipulation.
The person manipulating keepscontrol by managing what
information gets shared,encouraging conflict, and making
(01:02:26):
themselves seem like the onlyone who can keep things
together.
Some people, especially thoseworried about being abandoned or
rejected, use triangulation as away to feel safe.
Bringing in a third person givesthem reassurance or helps them
(01:02:47):
avoid threats to their emotionalwell-being.
Knowing these deeperrelationship needs will make it
easier for you to see whytransition continues even though
it's harmful.
And it shows why meeting theseneeds through honest
communication and in a healthierway is so important instead.
(01:03:07):
Here's a reminder to take thefree relationship needs quiz at
needs.drhawks.com.
That's needs.dr H W K S dot com.
Here are some ways we can worktogether to outsmart
triangulation.
I'll show you how to spot thewarning signs early.
(01:03:31):
We will focus on learning directcommunication without creating
more conflict.
We will set clearer boundaries.
We will promote openness.
We will work on avoiding fallinginto the three roles.
We will learn how to stick tothe facts.
(01:03:52):
I will show you how to protectyour emotional health.
We will work together about howto be honest about your
underlying needs.
And you will learn how to knowwhen to step back.
Changing these habits takes timeand patience.
Be kind to yourself as you workthrough it.
(01:04:14):
I invite you to schedule a freeconsultation with me so that we
can work on these things thatI've mentioned together.
And you can do that by going toconsult.drdarhawks.com.
That's consult.dr H A W K S dotcom.
(01:04:35):
If you've experienced any ofwhat I've talked about in this
episode, you recognize some ofit, please don't wait.
Schedule the free consult andwe'll see if coaching with me is
a fit for you.
I look forward to hearing yourvoice and supporting you in any
way I can during that call.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Ruthie's Table 4
For more than 30 years The River Cafe in London, has been the home-from-home of artists, architects, designers, actors, collectors, writers, activists, and politicians. Michael Caine, Glenn Close, JJ Abrams, Steve McQueen, Victoria and David Beckham, and Lily Allen, are just some of the people who love to call The River Cafe home. On River Cafe Table 4, Rogers sits down with her customers—who have become friends—to talk about food memories. Table 4 explores how food impacts every aspect of our lives. “Foods is politics, food is cultural, food is how you express love, food is about your heritage, it defines who you and who you want to be,” says Rogers. Each week, Rogers invites her guest to reminisce about family suppers and first dates, what they cook, how they eat when performing, the restaurants they choose, and what food they seek when they need comfort. And to punctuate each episode of Table 4, guests such as Ralph Fiennes, Emily Blunt, and Alfonso Cuarón, read their favourite recipe from one of the best-selling River Cafe cookbooks. Table 4 itself, is situated near The River Cafe’s open kitchen, close to the bright pink wood-fired oven and next to the glossy yellow pass, where Ruthie oversees the restaurant. You are invited to take a seat at this intimate table and join the conversation. For more information, recipes, and ingredients, go to https://shoptherivercafe.co.uk/ Web: https://rivercafe.co.uk/ Instagram: www.instagram.com/therivercafelondon/ Facebook: https://en-gb.facebook.com/therivercafelondon/ For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iheartradio app, apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com