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January 29, 2025 24 mins

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People pleasing your thing? This episode dives deep into the hidden weight of shoulds—the silent expectations that drain your energy, fuel burnout, and disconnect you from what truly matters. Learn how to shift from obligation to intention, reclaim your identity, and start making choices that align with your values, not someone else’s.

What You’ll Learn:

  • How the “should” mindset keeps you trapped in frustration and self-doubt
  • The power of reframing “I should” into I choose—and why it changes everything
  • Why societal pressure leads to burnout, resentment, and loss of self
  • Personal examples of breaking free from shame and taking back power
  • How self-reflection and small mindset shifts create lasting transformation

If you’re tired of feeling stuck in expectations that aren’t your own, this episode is for you. Hit play, challenge your "shoulds", and start living on your terms.

Love this episode? Be sure to like, follow, subscribe, and drop a review. And if it resonated, share it with a friend who needs to hear this!

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Transcript

Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello and welcome to the Cameo Show.
I'm your host, cameo, and weare joined today by my husband
and co-host, mr Greg Braun.

Speaker 2 (00:06):
So excited to be here .

Speaker 1 (00:10):
Today we are talking about why the shoulds are
killing you, why you need tostop living for everyone else.
But before we get to that, greglikes to start us with a dad
joke.
Greg, do you have one?

Speaker 2 (00:23):
I do.
I have a friend that went tomime school and I've never heard
from him since.

Speaker 1 (00:32):
Very good, very good, but so we all fall quote
unquote victim to the shoulds.
Right?
Should is a sneaky word becauseit sounds like something we're
supposed to do.
It's an expectation.
Maybe it's something that wehave been conditioned to believe

(00:53):
is how we will succeed in life.
I should do this or I should dothat, but it's actually a
source of guilt and resentmentand stress and burnout, and I
heard it somewhere, probably onInstagram that we should all
over ourselves.
And then we look around andwonder why do we feel so

(01:15):
shameful all the time?
Why do we feel so unfulfilled?
I talk a lot about this in myupcoming book, the Reset Button.
I talk about the shoulds andthe shame associated with it,
and the Reset Button is allabout giving yourself permission
to move past that Anytime youfind yourself shoulding all over
yourself.
There's a framework in the bookthat shows you how you can move

(01:39):
and navigate past that, and Ipersonally have shoulded myself
to death.
I should do this for the kids'school.
I should do this for work.
I should be better at havingconversations and relationships
and friendships.

Speaker 2 (01:54):
Everyone does, I'm sure, because it's how we're
conditioned and programmed fromthe earliest years of our life
that we should sit down, weshould be quiet, we should learn
, we should all get all A's, weshould all do this, we should
all be like that.
And then it's gottenexponentially worse as we've

(02:14):
implemented social media and thecomparison over and over and
over again every day.
So the shoulds are real, allcaps powerful.
Day so the shoulds are real,all caps powerful.
You feel that every day.
It's like you have toconsciously be aware of the
shoulds or they'll take over.

Speaker 1 (02:32):
Absolutely.
Yeah, it's definitely becomesomething that's like a societal
norm that we constantly I findmyself saying I should a lot and
have to catch myself and pullmyself out of that trap because
the words that we use arepowerful.
Right, we talk about that a lotand have to catch myself and
pull myself out of that trapbecause the words that we use
are powerful.
Right, we talk about that a lot,that simply reframing how you
say something can completelychange your perspective.

(02:53):
And I actually, in kind ofdoing some research both for the
book and for this conversation,found a stat from psychology
today that said that people whofrequently use the word should
in their self-talk tend to havehigher levels of anxiety,
depression, frustration, becausewe're constantly comparing

(03:14):
ourselves to where we should bein life, whether that's in our
career and our relationships.
Usually that doesn't align withwhat we want personally in our
relationships.
Usually that doesn't align withwhat we want personally.
Usually that's driven by someexternal expectation, that is,
from someone else or somewhereelse and, to your point, to
social media, that we see all ofthese things happening and

(03:36):
think, well, god, I'm a piece ofshit because I'm not where I
should be at 42 years old orwhat I should be doing with my
business, and it's anever-ending well of frustration
and disappointment.

Speaker 2 (03:49):
It's a positive thing as well, because it does
inspire you I should eathealthier, I should work out.
I mean there's a pull for apositive impact on your life,
but if unchecked and you'redoing it unaware, it can be a
detriment.

Speaker 1 (04:09):
Yeah, I agree, and I think that's where the reframing
and the word choice can come inhandy.
If you catch yourself saying Ishould eat healthy as an example
because you're right, that's apositive thing, I should eat
healthier you set yourself up,though, for feeling
disappointment if you don't, ifyou make a different choice in
that moment.
So, instead of saying I should,perhaps if you say I choose to

(04:34):
or it's a priority for me to eathealthier, instead of that
feeling like an obligation, itfeels empowering, and I know it
seems crazy to even think that,but I just know that in my
experience, in the way that Italk to myself and in the way
that I practice and share withothers, if you can get really
good at changing your wordchoice, the way you approach

(04:57):
things is viewed verydifferently.
So I'm glad you brought that up, because I do think that there
is a positive side to everything.
That all comes back to mindsetand perspective, and I think
that if we can get away fromcertain words, like the shoulds
and shame associated with it,you stop trying to live up to an
external expectation.

(05:18):
The long-term effects of usingthe word should, or constantly
feeling the need to live up toothers' expectation are burnout,
resentment, unfulfillment,those things we've talked about.
Also, identity crisis.
You find yourself doing thingsbecause you feel like you should
fit in and I'm disconnectedfrom others.

(05:40):
So you use social media as anexample, and in real life also,
but you see others doing thingsand you think I should be doing
that.
And you feel this sense of like.
Well, who am I if I'm not?

Speaker 2 (05:52):
Yeah, that's huge, especially like someone right
out of high school all of theirfriends are going off to college
, because that's what you shoulddo is get good grades and then
go off to college and you shouldgo get a bachelor's degree.
And it's like, but what if yourpriorities and what if your
goals are something differentthat doesn't require that or,

(06:13):
you know, maybe a more technicaldegree?
I can remember back when I wasa young man, right out of high
school, it was like I had theshoulds and the what should I do
?
And it's social pressure, it'sparental pressure, it's you know
and so society and you know ittakes a strong conviction and
strong will to look at yoursituation and go.

(06:36):
I know that's what I should doby everyone else, but for me,
I'm going to go learn this tradeor I'm going to work here
instead.
So as a musician, I've had toturn down opportunities and gigs
to play in bars, especiallyearly in my sobriety journey

(06:59):
where I did not want to be inbars but I still had the case of
the shoulds like I should beplaying.
I should say yes to this.
The why was stronger than theshould in that moment.

Speaker 1 (07:13):
Yeah, and that's a great segue into the concept of
breaking free from that byowning the, owning your own life
, and asking yourself difficultquestions in that moment Like
who am I doing this for?

Speaker 2 (07:25):
Right, right.

Speaker 1 (07:27):
So it's about why am I doing this thing?
But also, who am I doing it for?
Because if you feel like I'mdoing this because someone else
told me I should be, it'simportant for someone else, or
it maybe is an alignment withsomeone else's goals, but it's
not really for me and it doesn'tfeel right.
Asking yourself those questions.

(07:48):
Well then, why am I doing it?
Who am I really doing it for?
It can really uncover the trueessence of who you are and
encourage you to use your ownvalues, your own priorities,
your own interests as a guidefor your own decision-making.
As you start to peel back thelayers, if something doesn't
feel right, you discover, like,even when it's hard, especially

(08:10):
when it's hard, when the answersare difficult because often
they're against the grain, right.

Speaker 2 (08:17):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (08:17):
Start listening to yourself.
Often, you're making decisionsthat maybe aren't in alignment
with what other people think youshould be doing, and it feels
like pushing a boulder uphillright.
It feels like, oh boy, there'sthat identity crisis again.

Speaker 2 (08:33):
Group thought is a real thing.
And if you get 100 peopletogether and they all have a
consensus about the same idea,and if you're the one person out
of a hundred, that's going tobe like I'm not going to do that
.
You're going to feel a strongshould I should be part of this
group.
I, I should go to church everySunday because that's what, what

(08:56):
you do, right.
But what if it's not inalignment with how you believe,
you know and the things that youbelieve?
So it's like if you start doingthings like not drinking, not
going to church on Sundaymorning, Turning down band gigs
because you don't want to playin bars.
Yeah, my whole life I've donethat.
What do you mean?
This is who you are.

(09:17):
Your identity is playing drums,and playing in front of people
will see you play and give youthat energy.
And playing in front of peoplewill see you play and give you
that energy, and you love to doit.

Speaker 1 (09:31):
But I don't want to go be in bars because my
sobriety is more important thanthe thing that I should be doing
.
Yeah, so let me press you onthat a little bit, as we're kind
of recircling back to that.
So what did you discover as youpeeled back?
There was some resistance,probably at first, because you
should be doing this.
how will I continue to be amusician if I don't take gigs
and play in bars?
Yeah, like you had to fightagainst that and peel back the
layers.

(09:51):
But what did you discover?
As you did start answering someof those hard questions the why
and the who.
Am I doing this for what?
What happened?

Speaker 2 (10:03):
Well, when I stopped drinking, I became very aware of
how much people pleasing I hadbeen doing and how much of the
shoulds I just went in line withand just played my role.
It showed me that I have to bereally convicted in my stance
and firm in my footing, of whereI want to be, and over time,

(10:28):
those decisions that were hardin the beginning are much easier
, because now we can look atsituations and say is this me
doing this because I don't wantto upset somebody else, or I'm
trying to please somebody else,or is this truly what is in
alignment with me, my mission,my goals?
And there is a difference.

(10:50):
And living a life that's morein line with your convictions,
your mission, your goals, yourpurpose feels totally different
than when you're on the otherend of that doing a bunch of
shit that you feel like youshould do.
Part of this, part of that, yes, yes, yes, I can be there for
that.
You're just spread thin, likeyou said, you build up

(11:10):
resentment and emotional fatigueand over time, you're just
short with people and you're ashell of yourself because you've
given all your essence away inthese things that really, truly
aren't important to you.

Speaker 1 (11:26):
And so, as you did that, what did you discover as
an alternative?
What opportunities presentedthemselves to you?

Speaker 2 (11:33):
It forced me to take this same thing, which, for me,
was the love of music, creatingmusic, playing music, being an
artist and saying, well, I'mgoing to do the thing that I've
just never had time to do, andthat is develop myself as a
studio musician, as someone thatknows how to record from my

(11:58):
home studio and create my ownworld right in the comfort of my
home, because I was at a spotwhere my kids needed me, my wife
needed me, my business neededme.
And the cost because there's acost of everything the cost of
playing in bars for me meantthat I would be gone all night,
gone most of the next day and betired the next day, compounded

(12:21):
over and over, and over and overagain, weekend after weekend.
That did not help me be a morekick-ass dad and a more kick-ass
husband and a more kick-assbusiness owner, because I was
just burning my candle at bothends and I was just at a stage
in my life where I couldn't dothat anymore.
I only had so much energy and Iwanted to develop this other

(12:45):
side of this thing and not justplay live.
There's nothing wrong withplaying live, it's an amazing
thing, but for me at that timeit was like all right, let's
approach it from this angle.
So I basically poured myselfinto that, into the home studio
recording part of it, and fellin love with it all over again
as a fresh, new, beautifulopportunity.

Speaker 1 (13:09):
Did it feel more fulfilling because it felt like
you were making choices thataligned with who you were,
versus trying to fit in to whatyou thought the mold or
expectation was.

Speaker 2 (13:21):
Definitely more fulfilling, just mainly because
it allowed me to grow in thisarea that I had never grown in
before.
Because when I should play liveand I played live that was just
the version of me that startedwhen I was 12, because I started
playing in clubs when I was 12years old with my mom.

(13:43):
I just relived that over andover and over and over again.
I'm Greg the live drummer, gregthe live musician.
Not to say nothing, ever wasdifferent from that, but the
outcome was always sort of thesame.
You know, putting that shoulddown of being a live musician
and fully embracing this part ofme that wants to be a musician
that works from a home studio.

(14:05):
It allowed me to grow in thatarea exponentially, and still to
this day.

Speaker 1 (14:12):
Yeah, grow.
It's empowering because you'remaking self-directed choices.

Speaker 2 (14:16):
I feel like I'm in total control, which to me
that's a beautiful thing.
I am a unique person in thatway that I like to be the driver
of my own destiny.
So I know, not everyone's thatway and that's fine, but I'm in
control.
I can make the decisions.

Speaker 1 (14:31):
Yeah, it's clarity as well.
It's control is elusive, butyou can, you know, to a certain
extent control how you respondto things.
You can't always control yourcircumstances, but how you
respond to things, and this isan example of that Reframing
your wording, reframing yourperspective, making sure that
your choices are in alignmentwith you.

(14:51):
I personally feel and I amcertain that there are many
others out there who feel thisway in a generalized way, the
pressure to I should be going tothis event, or I should have a
group of girls that I do girlsnight out with, or I should
value time away from my husbandand family more because it gives

(15:13):
me an opportunity to beindependent.
But the reality is and it'staken me a while to kind of come
to terms with this, when I'vereally broken it down and put a
lot of work in, in thinkingthrough all of these things over
the years and specifically asI've been writing this book,
that's not actually who I am.
That might look on social mediaor in conversation, be something

(15:36):
that is an expectation of womenshould have girls nights out
and they should have their timeaway from their family, but for
me, I value my time with myfamily in a way that I don't
necessarily crave outsideinteraction.
I value my independence in away that I don't necessarily
crave outside interaction.
I value my independence in away that I like to be in
solitude and read and do thingson my own, versus feel the need

(15:59):
to go out.
There's nothing wrong with anyof that.
It's just that I feel like forme personally and I know there
are other women that feel thisway or other people just from
conversations but that feelingof like I should be more social
or I should be more externallydriven and it's like, well, no,
actually you shouldn't if that'snot important to you and there
shouldn't be any shameassociated with it.

(16:19):
So I have felt a sense of shameover the years of not making
that important, even trickingmyself into feeling like, well,
you haven't been a very goodexample for your daughter on how
to establish externalfriendships with other women and
establish yourself outside ofyour family and your marriage.
And that's just me givingmyself all of the negative worst

(16:42):
case scenarios of feeling FOMOand feeling stress and emotional
exhaustion of the shoulds.
And that's just like ageneralized statement from me
and my experience and I canrelate that to people feeling
that way about their careers.
I should be making more money,I should get this promotion, and
it's really like, well, makesure you're doing it for the

(17:03):
right reasons, because you canshould yourself to death about
these things and end upmiserable, and end up feeling
unfulfilled and stressed out and, like you said, burning the
candle at all different ends,and then what's the point?

Speaker 2 (17:19):
Well, also, the opposite of shoulds is
shouldn'ts, and there's a lot ofshouldn'ts that we have in our
lives where we think, oh, I'mtoo old, I shouldn't do this, or
I'm a mom now and I shouldn'tdo that, or I shouldn't feel
this way, and that's a lie too.

Speaker 1 (17:33):
Yeah, you're absolutely right.
I'm glad you brought that up,and that falls into the
framework of trying to fit intothe mold that other people lay
out for us, with their ownconditions, with their own
expectations, and it forces usinto this hole of making choices
that we feel like are onlyappropriate for whatever that
title or whatever that phase oflife allows us to be, when the

(17:57):
reality is.
We're so much more than that,and that's where that freedom
comes back in is breaking out ofthat mold and instead of should
and should, ending yourself todeath saying I don't really care
about any of that.

Speaker 2 (18:10):
And.

Speaker 1 (18:10):
I'm not going to feel bad about it and I'm not going
to be an asshole about it.
I'm just going to start makingchoices that are in alignment
with what my priorities are, andI'm allowed to do that and
taking your own power back.

Speaker 2 (18:24):
Yes, well, that's the thing I just I don't want to
sound like an old boomer here,that's just like preaching, but
we just don't realize how shortlife is.
I'm 47 years old.
I feel 19 spiritually.

Speaker 1 (18:38):
You act 19.

Speaker 2 (18:40):
Yeah, and it's like 15, 15.
If I could just go back to my 19year old self, I would be like
time is going to go by so fast.
So don't get caught up infeeling like you should be doing
stuff.
You got to do what feels rightto you, no matter what, no

(19:01):
matter what.
That's so easy to say, but thelast 10 years of our lives but
the last 10 years of our livesbeing able to say no has been
the key element to shedding offthese shoulds.
Being able to stand up foryourself and be like.
I know we should do this, and Iknow everyone else thinks we

(19:23):
should do this, but this is whatwe're going to do instead,
because of our whateverreasoning and that forces you
into this you're a black sheep.

Speaker 1 (19:33):
Yeah, there's a lot of freedom that comes from
living authentically, and Iencourage anyone listening who
feels the pressure of externalexpectations to take a minute
and ask yourself some hardquestions, starting with who am
I doing this for?
And drilling down with brutalhonesty to yourself.

(19:56):
You don't have to share it withanybody.
If you're not comfortable, youdon't have to talk about it.
You don't have to do anythingbut get in the habit of starting
there with brutal honesty.
Who am I doing this for?

Speaker 2 (20:06):
Why am I doing it?

Speaker 1 (20:07):
Why am I doing this and what do I really want?
What really aligns with who Iam?
Because when you break it downlike that and you get really
clear and really good atresponding to your own instincts
, it makes your decision-makingand your choices about what to
do next way easier and it givesyou permission to say this is

(20:32):
uncomfortable, but it's theright thing for me.
And then that gets easier themore you put that into practice
and then, before you know it,it's not even really something
that you think about, it's notsomething that you have to
practice anymore, it's just thenatural way that you arrive at
your own decisions and you feela weightlessness that does not

(20:54):
exist when you're living foreveryone else's expectations.
I'm not saying it's easy.
It's not easy, right, greg?
I mean there are hardconversations and hard decisions
that have to be made, that areuncomfortable as hell, that feel
filthy, that they feel awfulsometimes in the moment, beyond
deciding to play live or not ordeciding to go out and socialize
, but I'm talking about reallybig, deep rooted things with

(21:17):
family or with careers that areheavy.
They don't always feel good,but I can promise you that if
you get good at making sure thatthey're in alignment with you
and your true essence, thatemotional fatigue and that
resentment starts to just kindof dissipate.
It makes everything feel moregenuine and more full of love.

(21:39):
So this week, I encourage you totake one action.
Make it small if it feels morecomfortable, but really break it
down.
Drill down to the what, the whybehind your decision-making, to
try to understand if thechoices that you are making are
driven by external expectationsand the shoulds or driven more
by your own internal desires andwhat's truly in alignment with

(22:00):
what's important to you.
Thank you so much for spendingyour time with us.
We know you can choose to spendit anywhere, and you choose to
be here with us at the CameoShow, greg, and I appreciate it
so very much.
It's so very meaningful to usto be able to be here and to
provide things that we'velearned on our journey that have
helped us tremendously, and sobe sure to like, follow and

(22:21):
subscribe and leave a review ifyou're inclined.
Also, don't forget to sharewith a friend, because I feel
like a lot of people need thismessage to free themselves from
this should prison that we alltend to live in.

Speaker 2 (22:34):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (22:34):
Episodes every Wednesday.
We'll see you next time.
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