Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:29):
Hello and welcome to
the Cameo Show.
I'm your host Cameo, and if youare listening to this episode
live on its release, you knowthat we are entering holiday
season.
And usually that means thatwe're about to be around a lot
more people than maybe we'reused to.
(00:51):
Now, I don't say that in a meanway.
I'm just saying it in an awareway.
We're talking family,co-workers, parents at school
events, people we love andpeople we tolerate, and people
who might, all people who mightimpact our central nervous
(01:15):
system in some way, shape, orform.
It's also the time of year whereI personally have a tendency to
look back over what has happenedso far this year with regard to
my goals, with regard to myinteractions with people over
the months, etc., and kind ofevaluate how did this year go?
(01:39):
So I can wrap it up on a goodnote.
And I feel like with regard tobeing around people, for me
personally, this year shifted alittle bit.
There were many things happeningin my own internal world and my
own personal goals world thatput me in front of a lot of
(02:00):
different people and also mademe go kind of inward more than I
might have, kind of return backto myself and back to basics.
And what I've learned as I lookback over the last year is that
my interactions with people,again, people I love, people I
tolerate, people I knowintimately, and people I just
(02:22):
met, my interactions were muchmore enjoyable.
And so, of course, I'm curious,well, why?
I drew one conclusion that seemsto be the answer more so than
anything else.
And it's that my interactionsbecame more enjoyable, not
because it was easier, butbecause I kind of finally let
(02:46):
people just be who they are,instead of who I maybe wanted
them to be, or instead of maybewho I thought they were, or
instead of maybe who they'veshown me they were in the past,
but you know, we all have theopportunity to grow and change,
and maybe they were different,and I let it be.
(03:08):
Which, if you have been here fora while or you know me
personally, that has been anongoing challenge.
It is a theme woven in my book,The Reset Button, that came out
this year, and you know, I thinkit's relatable.
I think a lot of us feel thatpull to decide who we're
(03:28):
interacting with before we justlet them be who they are.
I don't know, maybe it is justme, but I don't think so.
And what I mean by that pull isthat we walk into these
interactions with expectationsor unspoken rules, or trying to
kind of control the narrative.
Like sometimes I'll go into aninteraction and I've already
(03:51):
like played out how theconversation might go so that I
feel prepared.
My intention is not to be incontrol, but to be prepared.
And sometimes that can comeacross as control, or it can
plant the seed for that to gothat way, or throw me completely
off my game altogether, becausethen I'm knocked off my horse if
(04:11):
it goes a different direction.
Like as far as scriptingreactions or trying to soften
what I might anticipate arerough edges, or like mentally
editing their personality sothey're easier to deal with.
I mean, come on, if you'relistening and that resonates
with you, pat yourself on theback for being honest.
Because again, I I don't know,but I am pretty sure everyone
(04:34):
feels this way.
But here's the thing when I gointo an interaction like that
with this idea and this script,sometimes the other person
doesn't get the memo, and that'snot fun for anyone, right?
Because again, that goes back towhat I was saying about then it
appears that I'm trying tocontrol the direction, and
that's not my intentionality,and it's just a mess.
(04:57):
So this year I made it a focusto really stop narrating people
in my head, to stop pre-decidinghow they should behave and stop
auditioning them maybe for rolesthat they they didn't sign up
for or they didn't know theywere auditioning for.
(05:19):
And what I reminded myself of,especially when it was more
challenging, was that peopledon't change because I want them
to or because you want them to.
They change because they wantto.
And most of the time they don't.
The other thing that I keptreminding myself of this year is
that when I let someone be theirmost authentic self, when I let
(05:46):
them show up as who they reallyare, without me trying to
influence or control thatnarrative, or without me coming
in with preconceived ideas, itgives me permission then to be
who I am.
So many times in the past,especially when dealing with a
difficult person, maybe this isthe most relatable, whether it
be a family member or acustomer, someone at school,
(06:09):
someone with a differing opinionor in a heightened situation,
uh, we lose sight of who we areand how we handle ourselves in
those situations by trying tocontrol how they're responding
instead of just saying, okay,wow, okay, this is how this
person behaves.
Whether I'm here or not, whetherit's me that there's some
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tension with or not, this is howthey would act.
It has nothing to do with me.
And then I can stay true to whoI am and how I would respond or
react in a situation.
And that's been very freeing.
And that can look like manythings.
So it can also look like afamily member who's told the
(06:54):
same stories over and over andover again, and instead of
feeling like you need to stopthem, you just let them tell
their story.
Stop trying to redirect them.
I'm working on that one.
It's a big one for me.
I have a tendency personally tobe quite blunt, and so I would
rather someone stop me thanrepeat myself because it's not
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very efficient and no one wantsto hear the story a hundred
times, but that's notnecessarily how everyone feels
about sharing their stories.
So if they're first aware thatthey're sharing their story for
the 100th time, uh, maybe theywant to, whether they've shared
it with you or not.
So, so there's that.
(07:38):
It also shows up in a differentway, like maybe a friend who
cancels plans last minute.
That's me, I'm the friend.
Uh, not really, not all thetime, but instead of taking it
personally, you kind of justaccept that that's who they are,
and it makes it a lot easier toplan and not feel disrespected
(07:58):
in the moment if it shouldhappen.
Or someone who has strongopinions, this is where like
maybe family holiday dinnerscome in, and not feeling the
need to argue back.
Just let them have a strongopinion about your life and
realize that it won't matter assoon as this is over.
(08:22):
I'll just go back to whatever mylife is, and they can think
whatever it is, and that's fine.
And that's friends, family,co-workers, whoever.
I also stopped trying to coachpeople who didn't ask for me to
coach them.
So, especially as a parent, thatcan be hard.
I like to fix things, I like togive advice, I feel like it's my
(08:42):
duty, and a lot of times itmight be, but not in all of
these relationships andinteractions.
And so I've tried to be veryaware of that specifically this
year.
You know, I wrote a book abouthandling difficult people and
situations, and a lot of times Igo back and reference my own
advice because I'm like, well,how am I not getting this right?
(09:04):
It's right here on these pagesthat you wrote.
But we're all a work inprogress, so give yourself
permission to revisit behaviorsand patterns that you thought
maybe you already had figuredout because we're not perfect.
So, very specifically here atthe end of the year, with regard
to holidays, people can becomeoverstimulated.
(09:30):
And it can bring out oldpatterns and tendencies and
family dynamics.
And we cling to control becausecontrol feels safe and it feels
good, and sometimes it gives youa W, it gives you a little hit
of dopamine for being right orbeing the one that's in charge.
(09:54):
But when we loosen our grip, theinteractions soften, the
conversations soften, and thingsare more enjoyable.
Not easier, just slightly moreenjoyable.
That's an inside job.
Kind of back to my trying tocoach people that didn't ask me
to coach them.
It feels like helping, but it'sexhausting for both sides, let's
(10:19):
just be honest.
I actually have this littlesticker, I have post-it notes
all over my desk as littlereminders, and one of them says,
not all help is helpful.
And that's for me to rememberabout myself, but also to
remember about other people,especially because I believe
(10:40):
that often people's intentionsare to be helpful, just as I
feel mine are.
And you don't realize that itcan be sneaky or feel rude or
controlling.
And so that's another thing tokeep in mind as you engage with
more people over the next six,seven, eight weeks.
(11:03):
Oh, six, seven.
I can't believe I just did that.
That's embarrassing.
I edit these myself.
I should edit that out, but I'mgonna leave it because it's
documenting the moment.
And if you have children, youknow what I'm talking about.
And at the same time, have noidea what I'm talking about
because it doesn't even makesense and no one really knows
(11:26):
what it means or why it becamesuch a thing.
Total tangent, I digress.
So here's what's in it for you.
When you do this, you will feelless emotionally reactive, you
will find more enjoyment in yourconversations, you will feel
less pressure to manage theroom.
(11:46):
I mean, I was walking in tryingto manage things, like I was on
payroll sometimes in the past,not always, in the very distant
past, like 10 years ago, yeah,like it was my full-time job.
But in the more recent past,I've been just way more aware of
my tendency.
(12:06):
But this year specifically, Itried to make it a major focus
for me.
It was one of my goals to beless of a hammer.
What else is in it for you?
You feel more grounded duringsocial interactions, they become
a little less over-stimulating.
And you level up yourrelationships because you're
(12:29):
experiencing the real personthat you're engaging with and
not whatever you have editedthem to be, and with yourself,
because you're not editing andfiltering yourself either.
And here's a big one.
This one's huge.
In my opinion, it's probably thebiggest one.
But the takeaway for you, what'sin it for you, you'll realize
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people are allowed to bedisappointing, they're allowed
to be who they are, which mightbe something you wish was
different, and that can bedisappointing, and that's okay.
Subsequently, you're allowed tonot take responsibility for
fixing it.
(13:16):
It's not your job.
And the load gets lighter.
Transactional feels like areally dirty word, but sometimes
that's what interactions are.
And when we can recognize whenthey're transactional versus
when they're a morewell-rounded, robust,
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intentional interaction, it getseasier for us as humans to
manage our own emotions.
I want to add that to the list.
It's kind of the same as nottaking responsibility for fixing
someone, but it's also not yourjob to manage someone else's
emotions.
But I said it.
(13:59):
So I invite you and encourageyou and hope you feel inspired
to participate in this samepractice.
Place some focused awarenessaround how you show up in
interactions, and if you justallow people to be who they are.
(14:22):
And it will not be easy.
I've said that a few times.
Sometimes it will be verychallenging.
Total bite your tongue moments,deep breath moments.
Let me give you a tip (14:31):
box
breathing, it's beautiful.
We've talked about it on a fewepisodes, but recenter yourself
by thinking of a box, a square.
You breathe in for two, you holdat the top for two, you breathe
out for two, and you hold at thebottom for two.
And you start that process allover again as many boxes as you
need to help you not feel theneed to chime in or manage
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anything when it comes to yourinteractions with people.
And that's not just this holidayseason, that's forever.
You're welcome.
But specifically, since it isthe holiday season, if you're
listening in real time, I wantyou to think about the one
person that might get under yourskin that you see at school or
(15:19):
at family dinner.
Maybe someone who drives younuts every single holiday.
And I want you to think toyourself now and ten times
before you see them, maybedirectly on the way to where
you're going to engage withthem.
(15:40):
What if I drop the expectation?
What if I stop expecting them tobe different or trying to make
them different?
What if I stop trying to helpthem learn a different way or my
way or a better way?
What if I let them be exactlywho they are and maybe have
(16:05):
always been and adjust myselfaccordingly?
Ooh, personal responsibility.
It's tough.
I say it out loud, and I'malready thinking of my
situations, and I'm like, ohboy.
(16:27):
We're all there sometimes fromtime to time.
Radical acceptance.
And just a note on that, radicalacceptance doesn't mean it's
approval.
It doesn't mean you're there forit.
It's kind of like conservingyour own emotions through
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acceptance.
It's peace.
And I'm not saying, I'm neversaying, for the record, to let
people walk all over you or tonot have an opinion about
anything and stand for nothing.
But what I am saying is stoptrying to choreograph everything
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because you are not the creativedirector of Thanksgiving or
school events or girls' nightout, holiday edition, elephant
gift exchange.
I mean, unless you are the eventcoordinator, but you know what
I'm saying.
And I want to hear from you.
I want to know if this washelpful and thought-provoking,
(17:29):
or if you think that not allhelp is helpful, and I should
just be quiet about thissubject.
No, seriously, I want to knowwho are you able to love better?
Who are you able to toleratebetter?
How do you feel going into thesepotential interactions?
And how often you might catchyourself indulging in these
(17:53):
expectations of others.
I think that's enough for today.
You can text the show.
You can DM me at Cameo EliseBraun on Instagram.
Actually, I would love for youto follow at the Cameo Show
Podcast on Instagram.
We have over 100 episodes, and Ihaven't had that Instagram up
(18:16):
and running since we started theshow.
But there are clips from all ofthe episodes that might help you
find one that you need fromepisodes in the past.
So let me know how this holidayseason goes.
A lot of times when I hear fromyou guys, it helps me feel seen
myself and also know that I'msupporting you in the way that
(18:37):
you need it most through thisplatform.
And I appreciate you being herevery much.
Until next time.