February 11, 2025 • 20 mins
Navigating a workplace narcissist can be exhausting. Learn how to set boundaries, protect your confidence, navigate toxic people, and take control of your career. This episode breaks down:
- How to identify the 3 different types of office narcissists
- The hidden damage they cause to your confidence & career
- Practical strategies to manage and outmaneuver them
- How to protect your energy and workplace reputation
Jill Griffin, host of The Career Refresh, delivers expert guidance on workplace challenges and career transitions. Jill leverages her experience working for the world's top brands like Coca-Cola, Microsoft, Hilton Hotels, and Martha Stewart to address leadership, burnout, team dynamics, and the 4Ps (perfectionism, people-pleasing, procrastination, and personalities).
Visit JillGriffinCoaching.com for more details on:
- Book a 1:1 Career Strategy and Executive Coaching HERE
- Build a Leadership Identity That Earns Trust and Delivers Results.
- Gallup CliftonStrengths Corporate Workshops to build a strengths-based culture
- Team Dynamics training to increase retention, communication, goal setting, and effective decision-making
- Keynote Speaking
- Grab a personal Resume Refresh with Jill Griffin HERE
Follow @JillGriffinOffical on Instagram for daily inspiration
Connect with and follow Jill on LinkedIn
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, I'm Jill Griffin .
I am a career strategist,former C-suite executive and an
executive coach, and over thelast well, many years, I've
helped thousands ofprofessionals achieve their
goals and improve their overallworkplace performance, and many
times even reinvent themselves.
This is the Career Refresh,your source for actionable
insights on career leadershipand workplace performance.
(00:22):
Today, we're talking about theoffice narcissist and friends.
I'm doing this again in alittle bit of a different way
today because so many peopleasked questions and wanted
additional feedback because ofthe nuances of the office
narcissist.
So let's get right to it anddig in.
(00:45):
The narcissist personalitydisorder is one of several types
of personality disorders.
It's really a mental conditionin which people have an inflated
sense of their own importance.
They have a deep, excessiveneed for intention and
admiration.
They often have troubledrelationships, lots of conflicts
and they really lack empathy.
(01:05):
And the reason why thenarcissist is so damaging is
that it's not straight and clear.
They are charismatic andmagnetic and there's something
about their personality thatmakes them very, very attractive
and you're drawn to them.
It feels like the sunshine onyour face when you are in their
(01:25):
inner circle and really gettingattention.
But stick around long enoughand you'll see that their traits
and communication style will bea blow to your self-esteem.
You'll start to lose yourconfidence.
You'll have issues and youmight even have issues with your
own executive decision-makingbecause you're constantly in the
(01:46):
blender with them.
You're not really clear on howto move forward and I'm talking
about this today so that youdon't fall into the trap that
you start to notice it and,while it may not be perfect the
way that you navigate it, youhave some tools that you don't
feel like.
You're in that blender all thetime.
Studies show that there'sanywhere from 40 to 90% of
(02:07):
people have experienced thenarcissist and I really believe
that range is so big becausepeople are afraid to come
forward and say it or they'renot quite clear that it was
narcissism.
They've been through it,they've seen it.
There's a wide range becausemost people, as I said, are even
afraid to confront it or, incertain cases, even go to HR
(02:30):
about it, all right.
So there's the background.
The three narcissists that Imost commonly see that come up
in the workplace is the one thatI'm going to call the grandiose
narcissist.
There's the high functioningnarcissist and there is the very
fragile narcissist, and for myown expertise and training, I'm
(02:52):
going to tell you what to watchfor and then offer some
suggestions on what to do.
And here's the thing, in orderto make it relatable, so that
you could really picture it is Irelated the we'll call them
characters, these narcissisticcharacters.
I related them to movies andtelevision so you can really see
how the individual plays thegame.
(03:12):
And in some cases, I'll tellyou I had to do research to find
alternative options.
So I'd love to hear yourthoughts.
Oh, as you know, email me athello at jillgriffincoachingcom,
so that I can hear yourfeedback and see if you identify
or if you've had these peoplein your office place and have
been subjected to them.
So, dealing with the grandiosenarcissist this is someone who
(03:36):
thrives on control, lacksempathy, manipulates constantly
to maintain power and requires avery, very strategic approach.
This is Miranda Priestly DeverWears Prada.
This is Homelander the Boys.
And this is Logan Roy, fromeveryone's favorite succession.
(03:56):
They are charming when it suitsthem and they are ruthless when
challenged.
So here's some ways to thinkabout managing this.
I want you to set boundariesSeriously.
They are going to test yourlimits.
So you setting clear,non-negotiable boundaries is
(04:17):
going to really help.
Be direct, keep yourcommunication short.
I'm not telling you to beunprofessional or unfriendly.
Don't be like chipped in yourresponses, but don't offer them
personal details that they willlater weaponize against you If
they try to manipulate you intodoing extra work or even taking
(04:37):
the fall for some of theirmistakes.
This is where you need to pushback, not with feelings but with
facts, because they are goingto respect power, not emotions.
The next area is really again on.
You is mastering that art ofemotional detachment.
(04:57):
Okay, this has nothing to dowith you, but your name is all
over it.
This is their chaos.
It's not about you, this isabout their ego.
So don't engage in their dramaor power plays.
Do not engage if they are backchanneling or gossiping and if
they're pulling you in asituation, don't feed into it.
(05:19):
Just, you know not, oh really,you know like being very, very
detached and neutral If theystart to turn it and insult you
or undermine you or try to baityou to take a reaction.
This is the I'm going to say.
Beth Dutton from Yellowstone,right, you being calm, unshaking
(05:39):
and being really, really againinto the detachment is really
going to help you here.
I want you to communicatefactual and, where possible,
document everything they'regoing to twist words to try to
serve themselves or, if they'recaught into a corner, they're
going to do it so that you takethe fall.
(05:59):
So this is where you're goingto need to keep emails clear,
tracking deadlines, confirmingdiscussions and writing.
You know, avoid anything Likeif they're going to text
messaging.
I want you to write back anemail and say, just so we're
clear, you want me to do blah,blah, blah.
I want you to be able to trackthings.
You're not trying to catch them, it's just keeping it clear and
(06:23):
friendly.
And if they try to take creditfor your work, you have an
option to make sure that yourcontributions are visual to the
other executive leaders andfinding ways that you're talking
about yourself but notnecessarily drawing any
spotlight on them.
Claim what's yours.
I also am going to suggest thatyou lower your expectations and
(06:45):
the number of interactions.
They're not going to change.
Remember, this is a personalitydisorder and fairness doesn't
exist in the world.
This is when we say Jill, wouldthat be the state fair or the
county fair?
Because there ain't no fair.
So instead of hoping that maybethis time their behavior is
going to change, I want you tofocus on controlling yourself,
(07:06):
controlling your actions andreactions and limit any
necessary interaction, Knowingthat they're probably going.
This is not to make you panicky.
It's that when you constantlyseparate story from fact and
then enable yourself to answerto the facts and not the story,
that is how you're going tonavigate through it.
(07:26):
Because if you're alwaysbringing the last interaction
with you, that's going to showin your behavior and your
responses.
You might be off, you might bepanicking, you might be anxiety,
you might be combative.
So it's like, how do youprepare with a loose garment and
not wear it like armor, butmake sure that you're really
thinking through oh, I have ameeting with them.
What are the parts that I needto address?
(07:48):
They might answer it this wayhow do I want to respond?
And really, being intentional, Ialso want you to build a strong
network internally for thegrandiose narcissist.
This is making sure that youare not isolated.
You want to cultivate strongallies and leadership and really
work cross-functionally.
I mean, that's what we shouldall be doing anyway, right?
(08:09):
But what often happens with thenarcissist in the beginning is
their sunlight is so bright thatyou want to go towards the sun,
so all of a sudden you don'teven realize that you've fallen
into.
You know it's like a Venus flytrap, right, you don't realize
that you've fallen into the trapand now suddenly you're going
to be in a situation wherethat's going to turn on you.
Anybody who isn't very close tothe narcissist may not
(08:32):
recognize their behavior.
Trust me, when anybody getsclose to it, they're going to
see it.
So just making sure that youhave a trusted network will help
you navigate this.
You are not to gossip.
You are not to talk poorlyabout anyone.
You're just making sure thatyou have a network that
understands the value that youcreate every day and the
deliverables that you're workingon, because if it comes to it,
(08:55):
then you have fans and if thereever is a conversation that's
bigger, you are able to havepeople who are able to also
speak factually about thecontributions you've made.
All right, that's the grandioseone.
The next one is what I wouldcall the high functioning
narcissist, and this personisn't as dangerous as the
(09:15):
grandiose.
They're just really draining.
They're charming, they'resocially agile, they are
obsessed with their own smarts.
This is Tony Stark from Ironman.
This is Barney Stinson from howI Met your Mother.
This is Jordan Belfort of theWolf of Wall Street.
Big personalities, big ego tomatch.
(09:37):
They dominate conversations,they flex their accomplishments
whenever they can, and they arein a constant need for
validation.
So here's how I suggest youkeep your sanity.
One is manage, don't challenge.
So don't try outshining them ona call, and it's just not worth
(09:58):
it, right?
They thrive on an audience.
So instead redirect theconversation where possible or
subtly guide their energytowards useful topics, things
like oh, that's so interesting.
How would that?
How would you apply that towhat we're working on now?
Right, keeping things superproductive.
Next is leveraging their needfor attention.
This is a little like Jedi mindtrick, right?
(10:20):
You want to be thinking about,if they love the spotlight so
much, how can you use that toyour advantage?
So, if you need someone tochampion a project, if you need
someone that's going to helpadvocate, or if you report to
them, how do you get that ELTbuy-in?
You may want to let them takecredit sometimes, then, for the
ideas that you don't necessarilymind sharing or are not that
(10:41):
precious to you, because they'regoing to promote them like
their own anyway anytime you'renot in the room, and you want to
maybe find a way that makingthem feel like they're some of
the genius behind it.
And again, this is going to bereally strategic, because you're
going to have to decide whenit's worth it to you to do that,
if you need to get somethingdone, versus if there's
something on the line where youneed to personally have your
name attached to it.
(11:02):
Again, that's when you need towork with a mentor or hire a
coach specifically so you canfigure out how to strategize and
how you want to play that.
But that would be the key therereally thinking about how, if
you need to move somethingforward, how you can leverage
their need for attention.
The next thing I'm going to saywith these folks is set a talk
budget right, a talk time budget.
They are got a monologueforever.
(11:24):
It's going to be a soliloquyleft and right, and if you find
yourself stuck in theconversation, this is where you
have opportunities to say oh myGod, this is so good.
I want to hear about this.
Maybe we can do this at lunchtomorrow, but I've got to get
this deadline out right.
There's one way you can handleit.
Another thing can be like oh myGod, that is the most hilarious
(11:45):
story and you're going to haveto tell me anything.
Why don't we talk about itafter the meeting and, right,
push it off so that you're ableto get your work done from the
rest of the team.
Let's go ask them right, sothat you're really putting that
(12:06):
budget and you're making surethat you're not getting stuck.
They love to talk, and alwaysabout themselves.
They're not just storytellers,they are single character
storytellers, so you want tomake sure that you don't get
stuck in their captive audiencesort of vacuum for that long.
Next is, where possible, controlthe narrative.
(12:27):
This narcissist, right, thishigh functioning narcissist,
isn't as malicious as thegrandiose one, but they do want
to look good and if you needthem to pivot from something, I
want you to think about framingit in a way that makes them look
even better.
Instead of okay, that's notgoing to work, or we tried that,
(12:48):
you want to say things like youknow.
I think if we want to tweakthis, this will be an
opportunity to actually showcasethat strength, right?
So you might say something likeyou know what you're right.
If we want to tweak this, weshould do that.
This would give us a greatopportunity to show your
strategic thinking on this right.
Pivot it to.
(13:08):
We need to change, but we'regoing to showcase them, and that
way you control the narrative.
You can also use it in a waythat's like you know what this
is really your expertise.
How do you think we can, youknow, fine tune this or
synthesize this right?
So you're saying it in a waythat brings them in, they're
going to feel admired and thatwill get them to be much more
(13:31):
flexible.
You want to next be selectivelyengaged.
Do not cut them off completely.
That is not going to go well.
Just control the access.
So, when it's necessary, engage, get it.
But and you can it's going attimes to be draining If they
(13:51):
dominate meetings or deraildiscussions.
Be polite, but saying thingslike thank you so much for
weighing in, I just want to makesure we hear from a couple of
other people and then we'll comeback around to you.
That's great insight.
Can we capture that and thenkeep moving and get other
feedback too?
Thanks for sharing.
(14:11):
Does anybody else have anyfeedback?
Right, you have to find a way.
Again, depending on who thisperson is and your
organizational structure, you'regoing to have to fine tune your
language, but, again, keepingit upbeat.
I appreciate you.
Thank you for weighing in.
I'm glad you shared youropinion.
I'd also like to get otherpeople weighing in here too.
So it's you're engaging them,but you're also putting a time
(14:33):
clock on it because you'rebringing other people into and
this will help keep them incheck without giving a lot of
additional friction.
Okay, the last one we're goingto talk about today is the
fragile narcissist.
They're not the loudest personin the room, but they still
crave validation.
They are really insecure andthey're prone to shame spirals,
(14:57):
which, again, is gonna be intheir head, probably not outward
to you so they're gonna behypersensitive to criticism.
They're gonna mask all thiswith some sort of
self-importance.
There's probably a lot ofpassive, aggressive nature to
their conversation and you mayfind yourself swinging between
sympathy or empathy for them andfrustration when dealing with
(15:20):
them, and you have to checkyourself because otherwise you
will get sucked into the spiral.
This is Kendall Roy inSuccession.
This is BoJack Horseman inself-titled BoJack Horseman on
Netflix.
Or Tom, I always slaughter hislast name, wambigans Is that how
you say it from Succession.
You know, tom from Succession,pain Sponge Tom from Succession.
(15:44):
Right, they are desperate to beseen as brilliant, yet
constantly battling withself-doubt.
One moment you're seeking theirapproval and the next they're
sulking over their imaginedsights and insults.
So here is how you navigatethem Validate it, but don't
overdo it.
Right If you know they cravereassurance and giving them
(16:05):
constant validation it justfeeds the cycle.
So acknowledge theircontributions, but don't enable
their endless knees for praise.
Here are some suggestions.
That's a really interestingperspective.
You clearly put thought into it.
I've honored them and I've alsoshut it down.
Good point.
Let's take that into ourbrainstorm session this
(16:28):
afternoon.
Right, I've honored it, talkingabout it later and then later.
You can also then go back tohow you're going to put in the
team's inputs or thanks.
So much let's get other peopleto weigh in.
It's that this keeps them fromspiraling, while also
maintaining balance.
I want you to deliver feedbackto the best of your ability like
a diplomat.
(16:48):
Criticism, even mild, eventeasing, is going to trigger
defensiveness or potentiallyself-pity.
So instead of saying to themthings like that doesn't work
again, compliment first, be thediplomat.
I see where you're going withthis.
Let's refine this a bit and Ithink we can all make it even
(17:09):
stronger.
If they start to melt down oract overwhelmed, stay neutral.
Do not get pulled into theirstory.
Stick to the facts.
Then watch for guilt traps.
They may go intoself-victimization.
No one ever listens to my ideas.
Well, I guess.
Fine, is this not good enoughfor you?
(17:30):
Okay, well, maybe I should juststep back and not be involved
in this, right, this isn't aboutquitting.
It's about a bid they want fromyou of reassurance.
So, instead of rushing tocomfort them, redirect with, I
hear you, let's focus on what wecan do next.
Okay, I hear you, let's focuson what we can do next.
Okay, I hear you.
What's the best way that youwant to move forward?
(17:52):
This keeps them grounded,rather than indulging in any
spirals and then avoid.
There's going to be sort oflandmines that are going to be
very ego-based, so they mightcompare themselves to others and
seeking some sort of favoritism.
Right, this may be an internaltalk track or some passive,
(18:13):
aggressive leakage that comesout, but it's like, why are they
doing that and not us?
That should be us, god, I putin so much effort but no one
sees it.
Resist, engaging in officepolitics Instead, reframe the
discussion, that's awesome.
Let's position you for thatnext opportunity, or?
Well, what do you want to do toshowcase your strengths?
(18:34):
Right, so, shifting them awayfrom that resentment and getting
them towards self-improvement.
And then, last, I want you tokeep your emotional boundaries
firm.
Again, there's going to behighs, there's going to be lows.
Be supportive, but you're notthe therapist.
If they vent too much, redirectto solutions.
If they're constantly needingreinsurance, give measured
(18:57):
validation, but don'toverindulge.
And if they start guilttripping, you stay neutral.
Stick to the facts and get intosolution.
If something doesn't go theirway, they're going to
internalize the failure.
They're going to eitherwithdraw or last lash out.
And if you start to see thiscoming, you can preempt it and
(19:19):
be like look, failure is justone less way it's going to work.
Or setbacks happen to all of us.
Let's just move forward.
This is just one step in theprocess.
Let's redefine this and keepmoving.
They aren't villains, they'rejust emotionally exhausting.
So when you stay empathetic butfirm, you will do yourself a
lot of favor and not gettingsucked into their emotional
(19:41):
guilt traps.
So there you have it, folks.
There are the grandiose, thehigh functioning and the fragile
narcissist.
As always, I want to hear fromyou what are you dealing with?
How have you dealt with it?
Hit me up, send me an email,hello at jillgriffincoachingcom,
or you can always answer in anyof the socials.
All right, friends, until nexttime, please embrace possibility
(20:05):
, be in that mindset, beintentional, inspired and always
be kind.
I'll see you soon.
Hey, I'm Jill Griffin .
I am a career strategist,former C-suite executive and an
executive coach, and over thelast well, many years, I've
helped thousands ofprofessionals achieve their
goals and improve their overallworkplace performance, and many
times even reinvent themselves.
This is the Career Refresh,your source for actionable
insights on career leadershipand workplace performance.
(00:22):
Today, we're talking about theoffice narcissist and friends.
I'm doing this again in alittle bit of a different way
today because so many peopleasked questions and wanted
additional feedback because ofthe nuances of the office
narcissist.
So let's get right to it anddig in.
(00:45):
The narcissist personalitydisorder is one of several types
of personality disorders.
It's really a mental conditionin which people have an inflated
sense of their own importance.
They have a deep, excessiveneed for intention and
admiration.
They often have troubledrelationships, lots of conflicts
and they really lack empathy.
(01:05):
And the reason why thenarcissist is so damaging is
that it's not straight and clear.
They are charismatic andmagnetic and there's something
about their personality thatmakes them very, very attractive
and you're drawn to them.
It feels like the sunshine onyour face when you are in their
(01:25):
inner circle and really gettingattention.
But stick around long enoughand you'll see that their traits
and communication style will bea blow to your self-esteem.
You'll start to lose yourconfidence.
You'll have issues and youmight even have issues with your
own executive decision-makingbecause you're constantly in the
(01:46):
blender with them.
You're not really clear on howto move forward and I'm talking
about this today so that youdon't fall into the trap that
you start to notice it and,while it may not be perfect the
way that you navigate it, youhave some tools that you don't
feel like.
You're in that blender all thetime.
Studies show that there'sanywhere from 40 to 90% of
(02:07):
people have experienced thenarcissist and I really believe
that range is so big becausepeople are afraid to come
forward and say it or they'renot quite clear that it was
narcissism.
They've been through it,they've seen it.
There's a wide range becausemost people, as I said, are even
afraid to confront it or, incertain cases, even go to HR
(02:30):
about it, all right.
So there's the background.
The three narcissists that Imost commonly see that come up
in the workplace is the one thatI'm going to call the grandiose
narcissist.
There's the high functioningnarcissist and there is the very
fragile narcissist, and for myown expertise and training, I'm
(02:52):
going to tell you what to watchfor and then offer some
suggestions on what to do.
And here's the thing, in orderto make it relatable, so that
you could really picture it is Irelated the we'll call them
characters, these narcissisticcharacters.
I related them to movies andtelevision so you can really see
how the individual plays thegame.
(03:12):
And in some cases, I'll tellyou I had to do research to find
alternative options.
So I'd love to hear yourthoughts.
Oh, as you know, email me athello at jillgriffincoachingcom,
so that I can hear yourfeedback and see if you identify
or if you've had these peoplein your office place and have
been subjected to them.
So, dealing with the grandiosenarcissist this is someone who
(03:36):
thrives on control, lacksempathy, manipulates constantly
to maintain power and requires avery, very strategic approach.
This is Miranda Priestly DeverWears Prada.
This is Homelander the Boys.
And this is Logan Roy, fromeveryone's favorite succession.
(03:56):
They are charming when it suitsthem and they are ruthless when
challenged.
So here's some ways to thinkabout managing this.
I want you to set boundariesSeriously.
They are going to test yourlimits.
So you setting clear,non-negotiable boundaries is
(04:17):
going to really help.
Be direct, keep yourcommunication short.
I'm not telling you to beunprofessional or unfriendly.
Don't be like chipped in yourresponses, but don't offer them
personal details that they willlater weaponize against you If
they try to manipulate you intodoing extra work or even taking
(04:37):
the fall for some of theirmistakes.
This is where you need to pushback, not with feelings but with
facts, because they are goingto respect power, not emotions.
The next area is really again on.
You is mastering that art ofemotional detachment.
(04:57):
Okay, this has nothing to dowith you, but your name is all
over it.
This is their chaos.
It's not about you, this isabout their ego.
So don't engage in their dramaor power plays.
Do not engage if they are backchanneling or gossiping and if
they're pulling you in asituation, don't feed into it.
(05:19):
Just, you know not, oh really,you know like being very, very
detached and neutral If theystart to turn it and insult you
or undermine you or try to baityou to take a reaction.
This is the I'm going to say.
Beth Dutton from Yellowstone,right, you being calm, unshaking
(05:39):
and being really, really againinto the detachment is really
going to help you here.
I want you to communicatefactual and, where possible,
document everything they'regoing to twist words to try to
serve themselves or, if they'recaught into a corner, they're
going to do it so that you takethe fall.
(05:59):
So this is where you're goingto need to keep emails clear,
tracking deadlines, confirmingdiscussions and writing.
You know, avoid anything Likeif they're going to text
messaging.
I want you to write back anemail and say, just so we're
clear, you want me to do blah,blah, blah.
I want you to be able to trackthings.
You're not trying to catch them, it's just keeping it clear and
(06:23):
friendly.
And if they try to take creditfor your work, you have an
option to make sure that yourcontributions are visual to the
other executive leaders andfinding ways that you're talking
about yourself but notnecessarily drawing any
spotlight on them.
Claim what's yours.
I also am going to suggest thatyou lower your expectations and
(06:45):
the number of interactions.
They're not going to change.
Remember, this is a personalitydisorder and fairness doesn't
exist in the world.
This is when we say Jill, wouldthat be the state fair or the
county fair?
Because there ain't no fair.
So instead of hoping that maybethis time their behavior is
going to change, I want you tofocus on controlling yourself,
(07:06):
controlling your actions andreactions and limit any
necessary interaction, Knowingthat they're probably going.
This is not to make you panicky.
It's that when you constantlyseparate story from fact and
then enable yourself to answerto the facts and not the story,
that is how you're going tonavigate through it.
(07:26):
Because if you're alwaysbringing the last interaction
with you, that's going to showin your behavior and your
responses.
You might be off, you might bepanicking, you might be anxiety,
you might be combative.
So it's like, how do youprepare with a loose garment and
not wear it like armor, butmake sure that you're really
thinking through oh, I have ameeting with them.
What are the parts that I needto address?
(07:48):
They might answer it this wayhow do I want to respond?
And really, being intentional, Ialso want you to build a strong
network internally for thegrandiose narcissist.
This is making sure that youare not isolated.
You want to cultivate strongallies and leadership and really
work cross-functionally.
I mean, that's what we shouldall be doing anyway, right?
(08:09):
But what often happens with thenarcissist in the beginning is
their sunlight is so bright thatyou want to go towards the sun,
so all of a sudden you don'teven realize that you've fallen
into.
You know it's like a Venus flytrap, right, you don't realize
that you've fallen into the trapand now suddenly you're going
to be in a situation wherethat's going to turn on you.
Anybody who isn't very close tothe narcissist may not
(08:32):
recognize their behavior.
Trust me, when anybody getsclose to it, they're going to
see it.
So just making sure that youhave a trusted network will help
you navigate this.
You are not to gossip.
You are not to talk poorlyabout anyone.
You're just making sure thatyou have a network that
understands the value that youcreate every day and the
deliverables that you're workingon, because if it comes to it,
(08:55):
then you have fans and if thereever is a conversation that's
bigger, you are able to havepeople who are able to also
speak factually about thecontributions you've made.
All right, that's the grandioseone.
The next one is what I wouldcall the high functioning
narcissist, and this personisn't as dangerous as the
(09:15):
grandiose.
They're just really draining.
They're charming, they'resocially agile, they are
obsessed with their own smarts.
This is Tony Stark from Ironman.
This is Barney Stinson from howI Met your Mother.
This is Jordan Belfort of theWolf of Wall Street.
Big personalities, big ego tomatch.
(09:37):
They dominate conversations,they flex their accomplishments
whenever they can, and they arein a constant need for
validation.
So here's how I suggest youkeep your sanity.
One is manage, don't challenge.
So don't try outshining them ona call, and it's just not worth
(09:58):
it, right?
They thrive on an audience.
So instead redirect theconversation where possible or
subtly guide their energytowards useful topics, things
like oh, that's so interesting.
How would that?
How would you apply that towhat we're working on now?
Right, keeping things superproductive.
Next is leveraging their needfor attention.
This is a little like Jedi mindtrick, right?
(10:20):
You want to be thinking about,if they love the spotlight so
much, how can you use that toyour advantage?
So, if you need someone tochampion a project, if you need
someone that's going to helpadvocate, or if you report to
them, how do you get that ELTbuy-in?
You may want to let them takecredit sometimes, then, for the
ideas that you don't necessarilymind sharing or are not that
(10:41):
precious to you, because they'regoing to promote them like
their own anyway anytime you'renot in the room, and you want to
maybe find a way that makingthem feel like they're some of
the genius behind it.
And again, this is going to bereally strategic, because you're
going to have to decide whenit's worth it to you to do that,
if you need to get somethingdone, versus if there's
something on the line where youneed to personally have your
name attached to it.
(11:02):
Again, that's when you need towork with a mentor or hire a
coach specifically so you canfigure out how to strategize and
how you want to play that.
But that would be the key therereally thinking about how, if
you need to move somethingforward, how you can leverage
their need for attention.
The next thing I'm going to saywith these folks is set a talk
budget right, a talk time budget.
They are got a monologueforever.
(11:24):
It's going to be a soliloquyleft and right, and if you find
yourself stuck in theconversation, this is where you
have opportunities to say oh myGod, this is so good.
I want to hear about this.
Maybe we can do this at lunchtomorrow, but I've got to get
this deadline out right.
There's one way you can handleit.
Another thing can be like oh myGod, that is the most hilarious
(11:45):
story and you're going to haveto tell me anything.
Why don't we talk about itafter the meeting and, right,
push it off so that you're ableto get your work done from the
rest of the team.
Let's go ask them right, sothat you're really putting that
(12:06):
budget and you're making surethat you're not getting stuck.
They love to talk, and alwaysabout themselves.
They're not just storytellers,they are single character
storytellers, so you want tomake sure that you don't get
stuck in their captive audiencesort of vacuum for that long.
Next is, where possible, controlthe narrative.
(12:27):
This narcissist, right, thishigh functioning narcissist,
isn't as malicious as thegrandiose one, but they do want
to look good and if you needthem to pivot from something, I
want you to think about framingit in a way that makes them look
even better.
Instead of okay, that's notgoing to work, or we tried that,
(12:48):
you want to say things like youknow.
I think if we want to tweakthis, this will be an
opportunity to actually showcasethat strength, right?
So you might say something likeyou know what you're right.
If we want to tweak this, weshould do that.
This would give us a greatopportunity to show your
strategic thinking on this right.
Pivot it to.
(13:08):
We need to change, but we'regoing to showcase them, and that
way you control the narrative.
You can also use it in a waythat's like you know what this
is really your expertise.
How do you think we can, youknow, fine tune this or
synthesize this right?
So you're saying it in a waythat brings them in, they're
going to feel admired and thatwill get them to be much more
(13:31):
flexible.
You want to next be selectivelyengaged.
Do not cut them off completely.
That is not going to go well.
Just control the access.
So, when it's necessary, engage, get it.
But and you can it's going attimes to be draining If they
(13:51):
dominate meetings or deraildiscussions.
Be polite, but saying thingslike thank you so much for
weighing in, I just want to makesure we hear from a couple of
other people and then we'll comeback around to you.
That's great insight.
Can we capture that and thenkeep moving and get other
feedback too?
Thanks for sharing.
(14:11):
Does anybody else have anyfeedback?
Right, you have to find a way.
Again, depending on who thisperson is and your
organizational structure, you'regoing to have to fine tune your
language, but, again, keepingit upbeat.
I appreciate you.
Thank you for weighing in.
I'm glad you shared youropinion.
I'd also like to get otherpeople weighing in here too.
So it's you're engaging them,but you're also putting a time
(14:33):
clock on it because you'rebringing other people into and
this will help keep them incheck without giving a lot of
additional friction.
Okay, the last one we're goingto talk about today is the
fragile narcissist.
They're not the loudest personin the room, but they still
crave validation.
They are really insecure andthey're prone to shame spirals,
(14:57):
which, again, is gonna be intheir head, probably not outward
to you so they're gonna behypersensitive to criticism.
They're gonna mask all thiswith some sort of
self-importance.
There's probably a lot ofpassive, aggressive nature to
their conversation and you mayfind yourself swinging between
sympathy or empathy for them andfrustration when dealing with
(15:20):
them, and you have to checkyourself because otherwise you
will get sucked into the spiral.
This is Kendall Roy inSuccession.
This is BoJack Horseman inself-titled BoJack Horseman on
Netflix.
Or Tom, I always slaughter hislast name, wambigans Is that how
you say it from Succession.
You know, tom from Succession,pain Sponge Tom from Succession.
(15:44):
Right, they are desperate to beseen as brilliant, yet
constantly battling withself-doubt.
One moment you're seeking theirapproval and the next they're
sulking over their imaginedsights and insults.
So here is how you navigatethem Validate it, but don't
overdo it.
Right If you know they cravereassurance and giving them
(16:05):
constant validation it justfeeds the cycle.
So acknowledge theircontributions, but don't enable
their endless knees for praise.
Here are some suggestions.
That's a really interestingperspective.
You clearly put thought into it.
I've honored them and I've alsoshut it down.
Good point.
Let's take that into ourbrainstorm session this
(16:28):
afternoon.
Right, I've honored it, talkingabout it later and then later.
You can also then go back tohow you're going to put in the
team's inputs or thanks.
So much let's get other peopleto weigh in.
It's that this keeps them fromspiraling, while also
maintaining balance.
I want you to deliver feedbackto the best of your ability like
a diplomat.
(16:48):
Criticism, even mild, eventeasing, is going to trigger
defensiveness or potentiallyself-pity.
So instead of saying to themthings like that doesn't work
again, compliment first, be thediplomat.
I see where you're going withthis.
Let's refine this a bit and Ithink we can all make it even
(17:09):
stronger.
If they start to melt down oract overwhelmed, stay neutral.
Do not get pulled into theirstory.
Stick to the facts.
Then watch for guilt traps.
They may go intoself-victimization.
No one ever listens to my ideas.
Well, I guess.
Fine, is this not good enoughfor you?
(17:30):
Okay, well, maybe I should juststep back and not be involved
in this, right, this isn't aboutquitting.
It's about a bid they want fromyou of reassurance.
So, instead of rushing tocomfort them, redirect with, I
hear you, let's focus on what wecan do next.
Okay, I hear you, let's focuson what we can do next.
Okay, I hear you.
What's the best way that youwant to move forward?
(17:52):
This keeps them grounded,rather than indulging in any
spirals and then avoid.
There's going to be sort oflandmines that are going to be
very ego-based, so they mightcompare themselves to others and
seeking some sort of favoritism.
Right, this may be an internaltalk track or some passive,
(18:13):
aggressive leakage that comesout, but it's like, why are they
doing that and not us?
That should be us, god, I putin so much effort but no one
sees it.
Resist, engaging in officepolitics Instead, reframe the
discussion, that's awesome.
Let's position you for thatnext opportunity, or?
Well, what do you want to do toshowcase your strengths?
(18:34):
Right, so, shifting them awayfrom that resentment and getting
them towards self-improvement.
And then, last, I want you tokeep your emotional boundaries
firm.
Again, there's going to behighs, there's going to be lows.
Be supportive, but you're notthe therapist.
If they vent too much, redirectto solutions.
If they're constantly needingreinsurance, give measured
(18:57):
validation, but don'toverindulge.
And if they start guilttripping, you stay neutral.
Stick to the facts and get intosolution.
If something doesn't go theirway, they're going to
internalize the failure.
They're going to eitherwithdraw or last lash out.
And if you start to see thiscoming, you can preempt it and
(19:19):
be like look, failure is justone less way it's going to work.
Or setbacks happen to all of us.
Let's just move forward.
This is just one step in theprocess.
Let's redefine this and keepmoving.
They aren't villains, they'rejust emotionally exhausting.
So when you stay empathetic butfirm, you will do yourself a
lot of favor and not gettingsucked into their emotional
(19:41):
guilt traps.
So there you have it, folks.
There are the grandiose, thehigh functioning and the fragile
narcissist.
As always, I want to hear fromyou what are you dealing with?
How have you dealt with it?
Hit me up, send me an email,hello at jillgriffincoachingcom,
or you can always answer in anyof the socials.
All right, friends, until nexttime, please embrace possibility
(20:05):
, be in that mindset, beintentional, inspired and always
be kind.
I'll see you soon.
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