October 28, 2025 • 16 mins
Ever worked with someone who dominates every conversation, name-drops constantly, and gets visibly upset when they're left out of the loop? They're not just seeking attention, they're seeking safety. In this episode, we unpack the psychology behind the "Connector-Competitor" workplace archetype and explore why their behavior matters more than you think, for you, your team, and even for them.
In this episode, you'll learn:
- Why attention-seeking behavior is actually rooted in insecurity and how recognizing this shifts your entire approach to working with (or being) this person
- Five practical strategies to set boundaries and protect your energy without becoming "the bad guy" or escalating workplace tension
- How to tell if YOU might be the Connector-Competitor plus one simple question that can transform how you show up in conversations and build genuine connection
Whether you're navigating this dynamic with a colleague or recognizing these patterns in yourself, this episode offers compassionate insight and actionable tools for healthier workplace relationships.
Jill Griffin, host of The Career Refresh, delivers expert guidance on workplace challenges and career transitions. Jill leverages her experience working for the world's top brands like Coca-Cola, Microsoft, Hilton Hotels, and Martha Stewart to address leadership, burnout, team dynamics, and the 4Ps (perfectionism, people-pleasing, procrastination, and personalities).
Visit JillGriffinCoaching.com for more details on:
- Book a 1:1 Career Strategy and Executive Coaching HERE
- Build a Leadership Identity That Earns Trust and Delivers Results.
- Gallup CliftonStrengths Corporate Workshops to build a strengths-based culture
- Team Dynamics training to increase retention, communication, goal setting, and effective decision-making
- Keynote Speaking
- Grab a personal Resume Refresh with Jill Griffin HERE
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jill Griffin (00:00):
Hey friends, I'm Jill Griffin, your host of The
Career Refresh.
Today we are talking about atopic that I'm hearing and
actually seeing a lot of myself.
And it's the need to be thecenter of attention.
And I'm going to call it thecenter of attention trap.
So this is maybe someone you'veworked with, maybe you've even
(00:22):
sat next to them in a meeting.
It's someone who's always needsto be at the center of
attention.
They want you to know that theyknow everyone.
They get visibly uncomfortableif they are left out of the
loop.
So here's the thing (00:34):
they're often not trying to be
difficult, but there is a needthat they need to be central to
everything.
And you may not realize it, butI'm going to guess that it's
affecting you, or you mayrealize it.
It's affecting the team.
And it's also going to beaffecting them, whether they
realize it or not.
(00:54):
So today I want to unpackwhat's really going on
underneath this behavior and whyit matters more than you think,
especially in a workplace.
And if you're working with thisperson, what can you do or what
you might want to do?
And how to even recognize ifyou are this person.
All right, let's dig in.
So when you're thinking aboutwhat you're seeing versus what
(01:19):
potentially is underneath,right?
You start with understanding,well, what does it actually look
like in real life, right?
You're in a meeting, you'reseeing someone who's dominating
the conversation.
They not necessarily becausethey're their lead or the lead
of the conversation, but becausethey have to be heard.
They may name drop, they maytalk about how close they are
(01:41):
with this person and thatthey're really tight and they
have the great relationshipthere.
And suddenly they're not copiedon an email, they're not
invited to a meeting, andthey're gonna bring it up.
Oh, I didn't realize you weredoing this without me, or I
didn't realize this meeting washappening, right?
There might be, it might bedripping, dripping with like
some sort of passive aggressivefeeling to it.
(02:01):
It sounds casual, but there'susually an edge to it.
And you might think like, oh,this person, they just always,
you know, they love their ownvoice.
They need to be the center ofattention.
And sure, that might be it.
But what I'll tell you thatI've often seen, and in all my
studying and all my um training,is that this isn't necessarily
blustering an ego.
It's really coming frominsecurity that may feel like
(02:25):
it's dressed up in like a reallynice wrapper and it's really
charming, but it's really comingfrom a level of insecurity.
It might equate for the personto like not feeling safe and
that they feel like they're ifthey're not in the loop, they
feel like this isn't justexclusion, it's rejection.
And it's maybe further prooffor them that they don't matter,
they need to try harder, theyovercompensate, they're making
(02:47):
sure that everyone knows thatthey're connected, that they're
valued, and that they'reindispensable.
What often happens is thisthere is a behavior that it
looks confident, it may evenlook charismatic, but it's
driven by feeling invisible andfeeling not relevant.
And when you, as the colleague,the leader, the if you report
to this person, right, you'llstart to see once you notice
(03:09):
that and see that, everythingstarts to shift.
So I call this pattern theconnector competitor, right?
Because that's exactly whatthey're doing.
They're connecting, but they'realso competing.
They tend to need to be feel,feel, and be connected, feel
indispensable.
They're the social hub of theteam.
They're often really good atnetworking.
They are the person that youwant them at times to introduce
(03:31):
you to others.
They're often very goodcommunicators and they do build
relationships.
But this constant need forvalidation, it can start to
undermine their credibility andtrust.
And I think it's those of usthat are less experienced that
we may not see it at first.
But when we start to see itagain, you will see that they
are rarely, they are alwaystalking and they are rarely
(03:53):
asking.
Their conversations oftenbecome monologues.
They tend to steer things backto themselves.
How do they center it onthemselves?
It's their connections, theirexperience, their insights.
They may compete quietly withother well-connected peers.
You may see some backchanneling and some back
talking.
If someone is getting attentionor recognition, they're going
(04:13):
to find a way to insertthemselves or some level of like
subtle one-upmanship.
They may act surprised whenthey're not concluded, like, oh,
I wasn't on the email.
This is not just a curiouscuriosity.
This is a message of like, huh,why wasn't I included?
And they may also framerelationships as proof that they
(04:34):
have value, right?
Oh, I was just talking to thatperson and about this, right?
Showing you that it'sinformation, but it's also
positioning.
And the nuance here is that attheir best, these people can be
genuine relationship builders.
They connect people, theyfacilitate that collaboration,
they know how to work a room.
But at their worst, they arecontrolling the narrative.
(04:57):
They are not fosteringconnection, they are managing
perception of themselves andmaybe of their team.
And that's where things cankind of get tricky.
So, why it matters is you mightoriginally write this off as
it's just a quirky personalitything, or you don't really like
that person.
But if if you work for someonelike this, or there's someone in
(05:18):
your organization or withinyour org or even your skip level
that is senior and doing this,you're gonna feel invisible.
You may feel talked over, youmay feel like your own ideas
don't get airtime becausesomeone else is always filling
that space.
You might be drained frommanaging their ego.
You're constantly navigatingtheir actions, their reactions,
their inactions, their feelings,their need to be included.
(05:40):
You feel like you have to do somuch mental gymnastics each
time you're planning to meetwith them and you're like
strategizing what they mightsay.
And also, it might be hard toset some boundaries with them
because you don't want to belabeled as difficult.
But if you're not aligning towhat they want to do, it can
suddenly blow up really quickly.
(06:01):
Also, also, if they areexcluded, they might start to
talk smack or talk, uh, do someback channeling on a colleague.
And this is also an area whereyou want to ideally stay clear,
but if it's unavoidable for youto be in that conversation, you
can sort of not, yeah.
And you refocus it on theirfeelings, not focusing on the
(06:23):
facts.
So for instance, if they saysomething that is about, you
know, oh, well, you know, shealways has to be the center of
attention, which is really likeright, most uh acknowledgments
or accusations or confessions inthat way, you know, you might
say something like, I canunderstand that you might feel
that way, right?
That might be the way of sortof acknowledging them so that
(06:44):
you don't come into thecrossfire of how they might
respond, but that you're notagreeing that that person needs
to be the center of attention.
You're agreeing that if theyfeel that way, you can
understand that that would befrustrating, right?
There's some of the differencethat I would make.
And here's what happens to theteam when this is going on.
Trust overall erodes, right?
Someone who constantly needs tobe the center of attention,
attention is pushing others out.
(07:06):
The collaboration suffers,people stop contributing, they
feel disengaged.
Um, they may even resent someof the dynamic.
And from an organization,you'll you may find that
communication starts tobottleneck, that there might be
siloed information becausepeople are sort of holding close
to that social currency.
And there might be a lot ofturnover, right?
Where people are tied offighting for space and that they
(07:31):
might just feel like, you knowwhat, this is really a lot of
work.
They might want to rotate onthe department, right?
HR might be aware of some otherbehavioral issues.
So those are the kinds of thethings that as a leader or with
an organization, here's how itcan really erode trust.
And for the person themselves,they're gonna be exhausted,
right?
Because they're stuck in thiscycle of constantly seeking
(07:53):
validation that never quitehappens or never quite, you
know, scratches the itch forthem.
And while they might be wellknown or maybe even popular, it
doesn't mean that they'regenuinely connected, right?
Deep down, they might knowthat.
So this is why it matters, notjust for your own sanity, but
also for the health of your teamand the trajectory and the
(08:14):
overall culture of the businessunit or company you work in.
So, what do you do when you'redealing with this person, right?
One, don't compete forattention.
Stay calm.
You don't want to out talk themor try to prove your value.
You don't want to prove thatyou know more people.
They're just gonna double down.
There's no need to win in thisconversation.
And also, we find that peoplethat behave this way, they might
(08:36):
have some sort of narcissistictendencies, which means that
when you don't agree with themor you're out of alignment with
them, then their spiciness mightcome back on you, right?
So this is not about winningthe conversation.
This is just staying valuegrounded in the value that
you're bringing to the businessunit or to the project or to the
organization and continuing tostay grounded in that.
(08:58):
You might also want to set someof the conversational
boundaries, right?
So I mentioned before, like howyou don't want to agree with
them, but you might agree withtheir feelings.
Again, if someone feels acertain way, it's true for them.
It may not be overall true, butit's true for them.
So this is about redirection,not a confrontation.
It might be something like, um,oh, okay, yeah.
(09:19):
Um, so can we come back to theproject timeline, right?
So again, you're sort ofacknowledging them, but you're
not getting into all of the, youknow, the tangledness of the
conversation.
Um, oh, you know what?
Thanks for weighing in there.
You know, I want to make surethat everyone is heard.
So let's make sure that we moveon, but we can come back to
(09:41):
that, right?
So you're not shutting themdown, but you're sort of like
re-steering the ship, so tospeak.
Um, also recognize theinsecurity.
If it feels aligned with yourown values, having some empathy
for them, that this is the waythey're operating, you know,
that type of empathy, assumingyou're acknowledging it, but
you're not agreeing with it, canbe helpful for you just to sort
(10:02):
of realize that you didn'tcause this, you can't fix this,
that this is their underlyingbehavior.
And don't take it personally,right?
They're gonna probablyinterrupt you, but it's actually
not about you.
It's about them needing to feelsafe and to again to be
centered on themselves.
You may also want to thinkabout giving them some small
wins, right?
A little acknowledgement can goa long way, like, oh, hey,
(10:23):
thanks for connecting me withthat person.
That was really helpful, right?
Giving them some little treatsor sort of popcorn that trail,
right?
It's gonna help them feel seen.
They may, may be less likely tograb the mic every single time.
This is again not aboutcoddling them.
This is about reducing some ofthe attention that they're
demanding and also the tensionthat might be in the room.
(10:45):
And then I'm gonna suggest thatyou do protect your space.
Do not disclose, do notover-disclose, do not gossip,
don't feed into any of that,because again, information
becomes social currency and youwant to be mindful of what you
share.
So keep your boundaries umclear, making sure that you're
communicating professionally andmaking sure that you're
(11:07):
protecting your energy.
You can coexist with thisperson, even if you report to
them without losing who you arein the process, it's just going
to take attention.
All right.
So if you're listening to thisand you're like, I do kind of
butt in and I do kind of centerthings on myself.
And I'm gonna say the odds aremuch like the narcissist, if
(11:28):
someone's asking if they are thenarcissist, they're not the
narcissist, it's the same thingwith this.
If you are often noticing thatyou're the center of attention,
you're probably only doing itonce in a while.
That said, it might still betoo much for, again, the
organization or the culture inwhich you're working in.
So if this starts to hit anerve for you, I want you to
think about the self-awareness,right?
(11:48):
It's not about shame.
It's just about gettingawareness, right?
This is a good thing.
Awareness precedes change.
So that's the first step.
The next is you may feel thatyou've often connected through
attention because that's a waythat helps you feel like you
belong.
So now I'm going to suggestthat that idea, that connection
that's sustainable doesn't comefrom control.
(12:10):
It comes from that curiosity,asking questions.
Can you be in reciprocity?
Can you ask people back?
Right.
You may have learned early onin either your career or maybe
your upbringing that being seenwas being safe.
And that maybe silence feltlike, you know what?
I'm there there must besomething wrong here because I'm
now, you know, I'm notrelevant.
(12:31):
But again, it's understandingthat that sort of sustained
connection is what we want.
And that comes from curiosity.
There is that expression thatMaya Angelou had said about
people don't necessarilyremember what you say.
They remember how they you madethem feel.
And I'm gonna guess you've beenin a situation where you talked
(12:52):
with someone, but really theytalked at you and they didn't
ask you one question.
And you don't mean maybe youdon't remember much about them,
but you remember how they madeyou feel.
They made you feel that youwere just talked out and you
weren't part of it, that youwere just there as a vessel to
receive their words.
That's what we're talkingabout.
We don't want to becontributing to that.
So you really want to thinkabout how you can be curious and
ask people questions.
(13:12):
I often talk about the three,two, one rule, um, and you can
flip it around, but it's reallyeasy.
It's like three questions topeople one hour at a time.
So if you need to create someself-awareness for yourself,
what are three questions thatyou would ask someone else?
Who are the two people youmight connect with?
And if you're not sure, thenjust pick like the first person
in a white shirt, the firstperson in an orange shirt,
(13:35):
right?
Just even do it that way andthen looking at it one hour at a
time.
Okay, so did I focus on othersor did I totally center on
myself during this hour?
And then, yes, asking that,right, that those questions,
it's really making sure youlisten.
Don't sit there and try to planyour response back.
This is about just beingpresent with the person and like
(13:57):
noticing, noticing what they'resaying.
And then maybe it opens upother questions and being
curious.
I want you to pay attention tohow this feels.
You don't have to be at thecenter of attention to be
valued.
The most influential people ina space aren't those that are
always pushing for themselves toshine, it's the ones that are
helping others sign.
When you think aboutsignificance as a value, and
(14:20):
many people have this as avalue, that I am significant
when I shine the light on you.
If I sing your praise whenyou're not in the room, if I
talk about you positively whenyou're not there, right?
I am making you significant.
And then when someone says, Oh,you know, I just heard Angela
was talking about you, Jill.
Um, they she said some reallynice things.
(14:41):
Now all of a sudden Angela issignificant to me because she's
the one who's talking about me,right?
That's the reciprocity we'retalking about.
And that when you do that,you're asking people questions,
you're helping them feel seen,you're elevating voices, and
you're able to build trust.
So I want you when you justpause through this, I want you
to remember that we all want tofeel seen.
We all want to be important, weall want to feel that we
(15:04):
matter.
And the trick is learning howto share the space, make space
for others, but also, yeah,we're not saying never talk
about yourself, but finding thatbalance.
Influence doesn't come frombeing the center of attention,
it comes from being the kind ofperson that people trust,
respect, and want to collaboratewith.
That's the kind of influencethat when you stop centering on
(15:25):
yourself, you can then center onthe connection.
All right, friends, if thisresonated with you, share this
episode with someone.
I would love for you to dothat.
You can also email me at helloat JillGriffinCoaching.com and
give me any of your questionsand comments and feedback.
And if you're working on thisyourself, be patient with the
process.
If you're working on this withsomeone who reports to you, you
know what?
(15:45):
Growth is messy, but it's worthit.
And when you get to the otherside of this, you will start to
feel more connected with yourteam and maybe a little less
annoyed or aggregate aggravatedwith this particular personality
type.
All right.
As always, think this through.
Stand up for your ownleadership and your own values.
Be intentional and always,always, always be kind.
(16:05):
All right, I'll see you nexttime.
Hey friends, I'm Jill Griffin, your host of The
Career Refresh.
Today we are talking about atopic that I'm hearing and
actually seeing a lot of myself.
And it's the need to be thecenter of attention.
And I'm going to call it thecenter of attention trap.
So this is maybe someone you'veworked with, maybe you've even
(00:22):
sat next to them in a meeting.
It's someone who's always needsto be at the center of
attention.
They want you to know that theyknow everyone.
They get visibly uncomfortableif they are left out of the
loop.
So here's the thing (00:34):
they're often not trying to be
difficult, but there is a needthat they need to be central to
everything.
And you may not realize it, butI'm going to guess that it's
affecting you, or you mayrealize it.
It's affecting the team.
And it's also going to beaffecting them, whether they
realize it or not.
(00:54):
So today I want to unpackwhat's really going on
underneath this behavior and whyit matters more than you think,
especially in a workplace.
And if you're working with thisperson, what can you do or what
you might want to do?
And how to even recognize ifyou are this person.
All right, let's dig in.
So when you're thinking aboutwhat you're seeing versus what
(01:19):
potentially is underneath,right?
You start with understanding,well, what does it actually look
like in real life, right?
You're in a meeting, you'reseeing someone who's dominating
the conversation.
They not necessarily becausethey're their lead or the lead
of the conversation, but becausethey have to be heard.
They may name drop, they maytalk about how close they are
(01:41):
with this person and thatthey're really tight and they
have the great relationshipthere.
And suddenly they're not copiedon an email, they're not
invited to a meeting, andthey're gonna bring it up.
Oh, I didn't realize you weredoing this without me, or I
didn't realize this meeting washappening, right?
There might be, it might bedripping, dripping with like
some sort of passive aggressivefeeling to it.
(02:01):
It sounds casual, but there'susually an edge to it.
And you might think like, oh,this person, they just always,
you know, they love their ownvoice.
They need to be the center ofattention.
And sure, that might be it.
But what I'll tell you thatI've often seen, and in all my
studying and all my um training,is that this isn't necessarily
blustering an ego.
It's really coming frominsecurity that may feel like
(02:25):
it's dressed up in like a reallynice wrapper and it's really
charming, but it's really comingfrom a level of insecurity.
It might equate for the personto like not feeling safe and
that they feel like they're ifthey're not in the loop, they
feel like this isn't justexclusion, it's rejection.
And it's maybe further prooffor them that they don't matter,
they need to try harder, theyovercompensate, they're making
(02:47):
sure that everyone knows thatthey're connected, that they're
valued, and that they'reindispensable.
What often happens is thisthere is a behavior that it
looks confident, it may evenlook charismatic, but it's
driven by feeling invisible andfeeling not relevant.
And when you, as the colleague,the leader, the if you report
to this person, right, you'llstart to see once you notice
(03:09):
that and see that, everythingstarts to shift.
So I call this pattern theconnector competitor, right?
Because that's exactly whatthey're doing.
They're connecting, but they'realso competing.
They tend to need to be feel,feel, and be connected, feel
indispensable.
They're the social hub of theteam.
They're often really good atnetworking.
They are the person that youwant them at times to introduce
(03:31):
you to others.
They're often very goodcommunicators and they do build
relationships.
But this constant need forvalidation, it can start to
undermine their credibility andtrust.
And I think it's those of usthat are less experienced that
we may not see it at first.
But when we start to see itagain, you will see that they
are rarely, they are alwaystalking and they are rarely
(03:53):
asking.
Their conversations oftenbecome monologues.
They tend to steer things backto themselves.
How do they center it onthemselves?
It's their connections, theirexperience, their insights.
They may compete quietly withother well-connected peers.
You may see some backchanneling and some back
talking.
If someone is getting attentionor recognition, they're going
(04:13):
to find a way to insertthemselves or some level of like
subtle one-upmanship.
They may act surprised whenthey're not concluded, like, oh,
I wasn't on the email.
This is not just a curiouscuriosity.
This is a message of like, huh,why wasn't I included?
And they may also framerelationships as proof that they
(04:34):
have value, right?
Oh, I was just talking to thatperson and about this, right?
Showing you that it'sinformation, but it's also
positioning.
And the nuance here is that attheir best, these people can be
genuine relationship builders.
They connect people, theyfacilitate that collaboration,
they know how to work a room.
But at their worst, they arecontrolling the narrative.
(04:57):
They are not fosteringconnection, they are managing
perception of themselves andmaybe of their team.
And that's where things cankind of get tricky.
So, why it matters is you mightoriginally write this off as
it's just a quirky personalitything, or you don't really like
that person.
But if if you work for someonelike this, or there's someone in
(05:18):
your organization or withinyour org or even your skip level
that is senior and doing this,you're gonna feel invisible.
You may feel talked over, youmay feel like your own ideas
don't get airtime becausesomeone else is always filling
that space.
You might be drained frommanaging their ego.
You're constantly navigatingtheir actions, their reactions,
their inactions, their feelings,their need to be included.
(05:40):
You feel like you have to do somuch mental gymnastics each
time you're planning to meetwith them and you're like
strategizing what they mightsay.
And also, it might be hard toset some boundaries with them
because you don't want to belabeled as difficult.
But if you're not aligning towhat they want to do, it can
suddenly blow up really quickly.
(06:01):
Also, also, if they areexcluded, they might start to
talk smack or talk, uh, do someback channeling on a colleague.
And this is also an area whereyou want to ideally stay clear,
but if it's unavoidable for youto be in that conversation, you
can sort of not, yeah.
And you refocus it on theirfeelings, not focusing on the
(06:23):
facts.
So for instance, if they saysomething that is about, you
know, oh, well, you know, shealways has to be the center of
attention, which is really likeright, most uh acknowledgments
or accusations or confessions inthat way, you know, you might
say something like, I canunderstand that you might feel
that way, right?
That might be the way of sortof acknowledging them so that
(06:44):
you don't come into thecrossfire of how they might
respond, but that you're notagreeing that that person needs
to be the center of attention.
You're agreeing that if theyfeel that way, you can
understand that that would befrustrating, right?
There's some of the differencethat I would make.
And here's what happens to theteam when this is going on.
Trust overall erodes, right?
Someone who constantly needs tobe the center of attention,
attention is pushing others out.
(07:06):
The collaboration suffers,people stop contributing, they
feel disengaged.
Um, they may even resent someof the dynamic.
And from an organization,you'll you may find that
communication starts tobottleneck, that there might be
siloed information becausepeople are sort of holding close
to that social currency.
And there might be a lot ofturnover, right?
Where people are tied offighting for space and that they
(07:31):
might just feel like, you knowwhat, this is really a lot of
work.
They might want to rotate onthe department, right?
HR might be aware of some otherbehavioral issues.
So those are the kinds of thethings that as a leader or with
an organization, here's how itcan really erode trust.
And for the person themselves,they're gonna be exhausted,
right?
Because they're stuck in thiscycle of constantly seeking
(07:53):
validation that never quitehappens or never quite, you
know, scratches the itch forthem.
And while they might be wellknown or maybe even popular, it
doesn't mean that they'regenuinely connected, right?
Deep down, they might knowthat.
So this is why it matters, notjust for your own sanity, but
also for the health of your teamand the trajectory and the
(08:14):
overall culture of the businessunit or company you work in.
So, what do you do when you'redealing with this person, right?
One, don't compete forattention.
Stay calm.
You don't want to out talk themor try to prove your value.
You don't want to prove thatyou know more people.
They're just gonna double down.
There's no need to win in thisconversation.
And also, we find that peoplethat behave this way, they might
(08:36):
have some sort of narcissistictendencies, which means that
when you don't agree with themor you're out of alignment with
them, then their spiciness mightcome back on you, right?
So this is not about winningthe conversation.
This is just staying valuegrounded in the value that
you're bringing to the businessunit or to the project or to the
organization and continuing tostay grounded in that.
(08:58):
You might also want to set someof the conversational
boundaries, right?
So I mentioned before, like howyou don't want to agree with
them, but you might agree withtheir feelings.
Again, if someone feels acertain way, it's true for them.
It may not be overall true, butit's true for them.
So this is about redirection,not a confrontation.
It might be something like, um,oh, okay, yeah.
(09:19):
Um, so can we come back to theproject timeline, right?
So again, you're sort ofacknowledging them, but you're
not getting into all of the, youknow, the tangledness of the
conversation.
Um, oh, you know what?
Thanks for weighing in there.
You know, I want to make surethat everyone is heard.
So let's make sure that we moveon, but we can come back to
(09:41):
that, right?
So you're not shutting themdown, but you're sort of like
re-steering the ship, so tospeak.
Um, also recognize theinsecurity.
If it feels aligned with yourown values, having some empathy
for them, that this is the waythey're operating, you know,
that type of empathy, assumingyou're acknowledging it, but
you're not agreeing with it, canbe helpful for you just to sort
(10:02):
of realize that you didn'tcause this, you can't fix this,
that this is their underlyingbehavior.
And don't take it personally,right?
They're gonna probablyinterrupt you, but it's actually
not about you.
It's about them needing to feelsafe and to again to be
centered on themselves.
You may also want to thinkabout giving them some small
wins, right?
A little acknowledgement can goa long way, like, oh, hey,
(10:23):
thanks for connecting me withthat person.
That was really helpful, right?
Giving them some little treatsor sort of popcorn that trail,
right?
It's gonna help them feel seen.
They may, may be less likely tograb the mic every single time.
This is again not aboutcoddling them.
This is about reducing some ofthe attention that they're
demanding and also the tensionthat might be in the room.
(10:45):
And then I'm gonna suggest thatyou do protect your space.
Do not disclose, do notover-disclose, do not gossip,
don't feed into any of that,because again, information
becomes social currency and youwant to be mindful of what you
share.
So keep your boundaries umclear, making sure that you're
communicating professionally andmaking sure that you're
(11:07):
protecting your energy.
You can coexist with thisperson, even if you report to
them without losing who you arein the process, it's just going
to take attention.
All right.
So if you're listening to thisand you're like, I do kind of
butt in and I do kind of centerthings on myself.
And I'm gonna say the odds aremuch like the narcissist, if
(11:28):
someone's asking if they are thenarcissist, they're not the
narcissist, it's the same thingwith this.
If you are often noticing thatyou're the center of attention,
you're probably only doing itonce in a while.
That said, it might still betoo much for, again, the
organization or the culture inwhich you're working in.
So if this starts to hit anerve for you, I want you to
think about the self-awareness,right?
(11:48):
It's not about shame.
It's just about gettingawareness, right?
This is a good thing.
Awareness precedes change.
So that's the first step.
The next is you may feel thatyou've often connected through
attention because that's a waythat helps you feel like you
belong.
So now I'm going to suggestthat that idea, that connection
that's sustainable doesn't comefrom control.
(12:10):
It comes from that curiosity,asking questions.
Can you be in reciprocity?
Can you ask people back?
Right.
You may have learned early onin either your career or maybe
your upbringing that being seenwas being safe.
And that maybe silence feltlike, you know what?
I'm there there must besomething wrong here because I'm
now, you know, I'm notrelevant.
(12:31):
But again, it's understandingthat that sort of sustained
connection is what we want.
And that comes from curiosity.
There is that expression thatMaya Angelou had said about
people don't necessarilyremember what you say.
They remember how they you madethem feel.
And I'm gonna guess you've beenin a situation where you talked
(12:52):
with someone, but really theytalked at you and they didn't
ask you one question.
And you don't mean maybe youdon't remember much about them,
but you remember how they madeyou feel.
They made you feel that youwere just talked out and you
weren't part of it, that youwere just there as a vessel to
receive their words.
That's what we're talkingabout.
We don't want to becontributing to that.
So you really want to thinkabout how you can be curious and
ask people questions.
(13:12):
I often talk about the three,two, one rule, um, and you can
flip it around, but it's reallyeasy.
It's like three questions topeople one hour at a time.
So if you need to create someself-awareness for yourself,
what are three questions thatyou would ask someone else?
Who are the two people youmight connect with?
And if you're not sure, thenjust pick like the first person
in a white shirt, the firstperson in an orange shirt,
(13:35):
right?
Just even do it that way andthen looking at it one hour at a
time.
Okay, so did I focus on othersor did I totally center on
myself during this hour?
And then, yes, asking that,right, that those questions,
it's really making sure youlisten.
Don't sit there and try to planyour response back.
This is about just beingpresent with the person and like
(13:57):
noticing, noticing what they'resaying.
And then maybe it opens upother questions and being
curious.
I want you to pay attention tohow this feels.
You don't have to be at thecenter of attention to be
valued.
The most influential people ina space aren't those that are
always pushing for themselves toshine, it's the ones that are
helping others sign.
When you think aboutsignificance as a value, and
(14:20):
many people have this as avalue, that I am significant
when I shine the light on you.
If I sing your praise whenyou're not in the room, if I
talk about you positively whenyou're not there, right?
I am making you significant.
And then when someone says, Oh,you know, I just heard Angela
was talking about you, Jill.
Um, they she said some reallynice things.
(14:41):
Now all of a sudden Angela issignificant to me because she's
the one who's talking about me,right?
That's the reciprocity we'retalking about.
And that when you do that,you're asking people questions,
you're helping them feel seen,you're elevating voices, and
you're able to build trust.
So I want you when you justpause through this, I want you
to remember that we all want tofeel seen.
We all want to be important, weall want to feel that we
(15:04):
matter.
And the trick is learning howto share the space, make space
for others, but also, yeah,we're not saying never talk
about yourself, but finding thatbalance.
Influence doesn't come frombeing the center of attention,
it comes from being the kind ofperson that people trust,
respect, and want to collaboratewith.
That's the kind of influencethat when you stop centering on
(15:25):
yourself, you can then center onthe connection.
All right, friends, if thisresonated with you, share this
episode with someone.
I would love for you to dothat.
You can also email me at helloat JillGriffinCoaching.com and
give me any of your questionsand comments and feedback.
And if you're working on thisyourself, be patient with the
process.
If you're working on this withsomeone who reports to you, you
know what?
(15:45):
Growth is messy, but it's worthit.
And when you get to the otherside of this, you will start to
feel more connected with yourteam and maybe a little less
annoyed or aggregate aggravatedwith this particular personality
type.
All right.
As always, think this through.
Stand up for your ownleadership and your own values.
Be intentional and always,always, always be kind.
(16:05):
All right, I'll see you nexttime.
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