July 2, 2024 • 28 mins
#010 - Feeling overwhelmed and unmotivated or like you just "don't wanna" do anything? Let me share a time when I felt the same way and how I overcame it.
We’ll explore the concept of buffering behaviors and how recognizing and managing these behaviors can be a game-changer in reducing our stress levels.
Ever felt guilty for not wanting to do what’s expected of you, especially in the context of your faith? We’ll tackle that head-on by reflecting on Jesus' struggle in the Garden of Gethsemane.
By the end of this episode, you’ll walk away with practical insights to tackle your own struggles with faith and resilience.
Are you ready to build high-impact habits of body, mind, and soul that actually stick? Check out the Catholic Path to Excellence today to find out how you can be more consistent in your habits and excel in every aspect of your life.
Feeling "stuck" in your life? Coaching could be the solution you need to break through whatever is holding you back. Book a FREE Call with me today to find out how I can help you.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Have you ever had a case of the adonwanas, a day
where maybe you had anoverwhelming amount of stuff on
your plate but less than zerodesire to do any of it?
If so, I can 100% relate.
In this episode, I'll share astrategy that I've found helpful
to boost my motivation on daysthat I don't feel like doing
(00:21):
anything.
It's simple to learn and youcan start.
Today You're listening to theCatholic Pursuit of Excellence,
the show that helps youaccomplish more, stress less and
become the saint God createdyou to be.
I'm your host life and healthcoach, jessica Castillo, and
this is episode 10.
(00:43):
I was recently in a call with aclient who is dealing with a lot
.
She's a mom of many, she'scaring for aging parents, she's
working from home, she has somany things on her plate, and in
the session I just asked herwhat was it that she really
wanted?
What was it that she reallywanted?
And her answer was just sohonest and so real and she just
(01:08):
said I don't want to do itanymore, and that really struck
me.
I could 100% understand thatfeeling and relate to it,
because I've definitely had thatfeeling myself.
The truth is, with thisclient's circumstances, we
really couldn't change a lot ofher circumstances.
(01:29):
She couldn't stop working, shecouldn't stop caring for her
children, she couldn't stopcaring for her parents.
She kind of had to keep going.
But how could we deal with thefact that she was tired and
overwhelmed and didn't want tokeep doing this anymore?
Well, it just so happens, asoften happens in my life, that
(01:52):
literally the very next day, Istarted experiencing a lot of
those same emotions myself in myown life, and my circumstances
are different from hers.
My children are different ages,my parents are deceased, so I'm
not in the same exactcircumstances.
But in my own circumstances, Ididn't want to do any of the
(02:15):
things that I had to do anymore,and I noticed that when I start
feeling that way which is notuncommon, by the way I just want
to normalize this experience.
A lot of times, as Catholics, wethink well, this is the cross
that I've been given and so Imust suck it up and carry it.
And that's really not what I'msaying at all.
(02:38):
Because, yes, this is the crossthat we've been given.
If you're in difficultcircumstances, this is the cross
that we've been given.
If you're in difficultcircumstances, then you can
trust that this is God's willfor you at this time, but that
doesn't mean that it's going tobe easy to deal with or that
you're always going to want tojust back up and do it.
That being said, it's kind ofimpossible for us to walk away
(03:03):
from.
We have to live our lives.
We have certain things that wehave to do, so the question
really is how do we deal withthis?
How do we deal with thesefeelings of I don't want to do
this or I don't want to carrythis cross, when it's necessary
that we do?
Well, that's kind of what Iwant to talk about in this
(03:25):
episode.
What I noticed with myself whenI'm in situations like this is
that I tend to have a lot ofbuffering behaviors, and if
you're unfamiliar with theconcept of a buffering behavior,
it's basically something thatyou do to escape feeling
(03:45):
negative emotions.
So, for instance, you'refeeling overwhelmed or stressed
or angry or sad or any number ofnegative emotions, and in order
to numb or blunt that emotionor not deal with that emotion in
the moment, you might turn to anumber of behaviors that make
it feel a little bit better, andthis is really normal for all
(04:07):
of us.
We do this.
It just helps to become awarethat we're doing it.
So for me, some of my bufferingbehaviors are I will start
researching things that Ialready know, but I just enjoy
learning and reading more about,especially for me as a health
coach.
I will start reading articlesor watching YouTube videos on
(04:31):
any number of health-relatedtopics that I kind of already
know.
I don't really get anything outof these research rabbit holes.
It just feels good for my brainto do and it's easier than
anything else I have to do.
Another buffering behavior thatI have is I will literally walk
away.
I love going for walks, and Iknow that walking is so good for
(04:56):
me, it's good for everyone,it's so helpful.
But I can actually takesomething healthy and good and
use it in a not good way, and Ithink that's true of all of us
too.
So for me, sometimes, when I'mfeeling really overwhelmed or I
don't want to do anything that Ineed to be doing, I will
(05:18):
literally go walk away and gofor a walk that I don't have
time for, that's longer than itneeds to be, and it's literally
just an avoidance behavior.
And so when I come back fromthat walk, instead of feeling
like I took a break or I'mrefreshed, I actually just feel
worse because now I have thesame amount of stuff to do and
(05:39):
less time to do it in.
And the reason I wanted to justshare that experience with you
is because you probably alsohave behaviors that you turn to
when you're buffering from.
This case of the I don't want is.
And it's sometimes helpful torecognize the behavior that
we're doing, because we mightnot actually have pinpointed the
(06:01):
thought, and the thought hereis I don't want to do this, I
don't want to do any of thisanymore, or something along
those lines.
These are very common and verynormal.
Really.
I just want again, I want toemphasize this is a very normal
human emotion.
There's nothing wrong with youwhen you're feeling this way,
(06:24):
but because you're in acircumstance that you can't just
quit, it's really vital thatyou learn some skills for how to
deal with the situation so that, when it arises, you can
actually handle it in a healthyway that doesn't hurt you more
and make your circumstances evenworse.
(06:45):
So I want to share just a fewtips and strategies that I found
helpful and that I literallyjust had to use on myself very
recently.
So this is an ongoing processand I don't want you to ever
think, oh, I will one day arrivewhere this isn't the situation
(07:07):
anymore.
This is going to come up foryou again and again because
you're human, and so I'm goingto probably have to do this on
myself again really soon, maybetomorrow, maybe later today, I
don't know.
So I do want to share all ofthis and just let you have it as
a tool in your toolkit that youcan use when you need to.
I also just want to say that Iam recovering from a cold right
(07:31):
now, so if my voice sounds alittle bit froggy, that's why
and it's also probably why I wasdealing with the case of the
anuanas because, just physically, I'm a little tired and I don't
feel as well as I normally do.
So let's talk about tips.
(07:52):
What do you do when you don'twant to do any of the things
that you have to do?
Well, the first tip I have foryou is to just acknowledge how
you're feeling.
So many times and, like I said,in Catholic circles we think,
if I were to just acknowledgethat I don't want to do this,
that I'm somehow not being agood Catholic or I'm not
(08:12):
carrying my cross the way Ishould be, and I just need to
suck it up or I need to offerthis up.
I need to just buck up and doit.
And what I've noticed is thattoo many times we're trying to
hide from ourselves, we'retrying to almost escape the
(08:32):
reality that we're even feelingthis way.
And the truth is that we'realso usually trying to hide this
from God, so we're trying topretend almost as if there's no
problem here, there's nothinggoing on.
We're just going to keep onkeeping on.
And you know, the thing is, youcannot hide from God.
(08:56):
You might hide from yourself,you might fool yourself for a
little while, but God knows youin and out.
He knows every hair on yourhead, he knows every molecule in
your body, he knows everysingle thought and emotion that
you're having.
And, the thing is too, he alsounderstands it better than you
do.
So just being really honest andacknowledging that this is how
(09:21):
you're feeling, that can go along way, and you don't have to
identify why you're feeling thisway, you don't have to justify
it, you don't have to giveyourself a list of reasons of
why it's okay to feel this way.
It just is okay that you'refeeling this way, and so just
acknowledge this is how I'mfeeling and it's okay.
(09:44):
And the thing that helps me hereis to just meditate on Jesus in
the Garden of Gethsemane,because Jesus prayed for his cup
to be removed from him as well.
He saw what he had to do, heknew what he had to do and he
didn't want to do it either.
(10:04):
Or at least on his human level.
He prayed for this cup to beremoved from him because it was
so hard and so awful and humanlyhe didn't want to do it.
And if there was any other way,he asked that that other way
could happen.
You know, father, if it'spossible, remove this cup from
me.
And he prayed that many timesin the Garden of Gethsemane.
(10:28):
And so I like to meditate andreflect on that when I'm feeling
this way, because I think, yeah, in my humanity I don't want to
do these things.
There are repugnant things inmy life that I don't want to do.
And it's okay to feel that way,because it was not at all
sinful that Jesus felt that way.
But the way he concluded hisprayer was but not my will, but
(10:54):
yours be done.
So again, you can acknowledgethat you're not feeling like
doing something.
You can acknowledge that maybeyou're not feeling like doing
anything that you have to do andstill and still pray, but your
will be done and that's.
Both of those things can existsimultaneously.
(11:16):
This isn't like an either.
Or you can be choosing theFather's will while
acknowledging that, humanly, youdon't want to do it, and that's
okay.
So that's tip one.
Now the next thing that I wouldrecommend doing is running a
model on your thoughts.
(11:37):
So a lot of people, if you'relistening to this podcast and
you're familiar with Catholiccoaching or coaching models,
you've probably heard of themodel, and the model is
something basically borrowedfrom cognitive behavioral
therapy that really emphasizeshow our thoughts impact our
(12:00):
emotions, which then impact ourbehaviors, which then impact our
results.
So the basic flow of the modelis that you will have
circumstances and then you willhave thoughts about those
circumstances and then, based onyour thoughts, you will feel
certain emotions, and when youfeel certain emotions, you
(12:22):
behave in certain ways, and whenyou behave in certain ways, you
have certain outcomes orresults.
And the thing about the modelis, for most of us, this is kind
of always running unconsciouslybecause your mind is always
having thoughts.
I've heard it referred to aslike your heart is always
(12:45):
beating while your mind isalways having thoughts, and some
of these thoughts are true.
Some of these thoughts are nottrue.
These thoughts are justsentences in your brain and
they're happening all the time,whether you're aware of them or
not.
And a lot of times what happensis we'll be having these
unconscious thoughts, we'll berunning these unconscious models
(13:08):
that are not examined, they'rejust running and we'll behave in
ways that we don't reallyunderstand or that don't even
make sense to us, or we'll thinkI'm not even having thoughts,
I'm just feeling a certain way.
But if you were to parse it outand dig into it, there are
usually thoughts behind whatyou're feeling.
This is just happening.
(13:30):
Again, there's no judgment.
There's nothing wrong with theway that you're thinking.
It's just that it is.
But Jesus tells us that we canexamine everything by its fruit,
and so you can look at thefruit of the thoughts that
you're thinking.
Is this good fruit?
Is it helping you?
Is it making it easier for youto carry your cross, or is it
(13:52):
hurting you and makingeverything a little bit harder
and making you feel worse?
The beauty of the model and howit can be used is that it's a
tool that you can consciouslychoose to examine how you're
feeling how you're thinking, howyou're behaving, and then, at
any level of the model, you canchoose to make a change.
(14:15):
Sometimes you can change yourcircumstances, but in cases like
what I'm referring to today,you kind of can't.
Sometimes you know it's notlike you're going to give your
kids away, it's not like you'regoing to quit your job.
You still have stuff you haveto do and there's no getting out
of it.
So your circumstances may notchange at all.
But what we can do with themodel is we can kind of examine
(14:38):
what are your thoughts and couldyou, in a very conscious way,
using your intellect and willchoose thoughts that are going
to bear different fruit, because, as humans, we have the ability
to deliberately choose what wethink sometimes.
(14:59):
Now, like I said, your mind isalways having thoughts, so
there's going to be plenty ofthoughts that are just happening
.
But when you take the time toactually pay attention to your
thoughts and consciously choose,this is a thought that's
serving me better and a thoughtthat's not serving me as well.
And that distinction isimportant too, because it's not
(15:21):
so much that there's somethingwrong with your thinking or
you're thinking wrong or youshouldn't even have these
thoughts.
That's not helping you, that'snot serving you.
You're just beating yourself upwith more thoughts that are not
helping you, and it's just this.
Radical self-compassion is soimportant in this process.
(15:42):
But once you've recognized,okay, there are some thoughts
that are making me feel acertain way, that are making me
act a certain way.
Now it's time to do somethingabout it, and the way I would
recommend doing this.
Most of the time you're notgoing to have time to do
something about it, and the wayI would recommend doing this
most of the time you're notgoing to have time to actually
sit down and journal all of this.
But if you are really stuck,then literally sitting down with
(16:06):
a pencil and paper or pen andpaper or even a Word document
and just letting yourself go runthe model on yourself and write
out each phase and each stepand what's happening, can
actually be really helpful.
It only takes a few minutes.
Again, you probably won't do itlike every single time you're
ever having a negative emotion,but when you're really stuck it
(16:29):
can be very helpful, and this iswhat I did for myself helpful,
and this is what I did formyself.
Now I'm going to just share withyou really briefly, kind of
what I did here.
So I wrote the circumstances,what was going on, all of the
things that I had to do, just inthe circumstances.
You can think about this asbeing what can be proven in a
(16:49):
court of law, not how you feelabout it, not what you're
thinking about it, just thedetails.
So I wrote what meetings I had,what podcast interviews I had
coming up, what kind ofobligations I had on my plate
that were weighing on me, and Ijust wrote what there was on my
list that I don't want to do.
And then I just did kind of abrain dump on my thoughts, and
(17:13):
my thoughts were running alongthe lines of there's too much to
do today.
I don't want to do anythingthat I have to do.
I'm overwhelmed, I don't wantto do this.
I don't think I can do this.
This is too much, I can't dothis.
These are my real thoughts.
This is what I was thinking notvery long ago.
So I just want to emphasizeagain this is really normal and
(17:36):
even for coaches, we havethoughts like this, and it's
okay.
Now the next step of the modelis your emotion.
So how did I feel when I wasthinking these thoughts?
Well, I felt overwhelmed anddefeated and tired and resentful
Again.
These emotions were leading methen to have certain actions,
(17:58):
and so the action line or thebehavior line of the model was I
just acknowledged what I wasdoing when I felt that way, and
what I was doing was a lot ofbuffering and avoiding.
I would waste time on YouTubeor seeking dopamine.
I would be in my office but Iwouldn't be working.
I would go for a walk just toget away, but I wouldn't enjoy
(18:23):
it because I would the wholetime be feeling stressed,
because I knew I was supposed tobe doing something else, and so
I would feel that stress thatcomes from misalignment, of
doing something that you knewwasn't the right thing to be
doing.
Then the result would be that Ididn't get anything done.
I would feel even worse becausenow there's still a lot to be
(18:45):
done, I have less time to do it,and this was the unconscious
model, and I think this is wherea lot of us can be.
We run these unconscious models.
So then, going down in mynotebook, I wrote my intentional
model how would I rather thismodel went?
So in the circumstance line.
(19:06):
Well, the circumstance didn'tchange.
I still had all of those samethings on my list, all the same
things to do.
That was the circumstance.
Well, then I started thinkingwhat are some thoughts that I
could intentionally choose tothink that would help me
actually accomplish the thingsthat I had to do?
(19:27):
And so some of the thoughtsthat I wrote down were all I
have to do is the next thingwith love, jesus will take care
of the rest.
This is what God wants me to do, and one thought that was
really powerful for me was I canmake my father proud.
And when I practiced thinkingthose thoughts, my emotions
(19:51):
changed.
The emotions that I startedfeeling instead were expectant
hope.
I could expect good things.
I felt peaceful surrender.
I felt confidence.
I even felt humility and awe,and I felt humble because I knew
I couldn't do everything on myown, but I felt awe because God
(20:15):
could and he would, and I knewthat he would help me.
These were the differentemotions I experienced when I
practiced thinking these otherthoughts.
And how do I show up when I feelexpectant hope, peaceful
surrender, confidence, humilityand awe?
Well, I show up by faithfullydoing my best with each task,
(20:37):
one thing at a time, with myfull intention and a good
attitude.
That's how I show up in thosesituations and then the result
is that everything that's reallyimportant gets done and I end
the day marveling at God'sgoodness and love and what he
can accomplish in and through mewhen I really trust him.
(20:59):
So that's a personal example.
I literally just had mynotebook open and was sharing
with you the models that I ran,but you can do this for yourself
.
So whenever you notice eitherthoughts, behaviors or emotions
that are not serving you, youcan run a simple model on it
yourself.
(21:20):
And, of course, if you'reworking with a coach, this is a
perfect thing to bring tocoaching, because a coach can
walk you through this model aswell.
Now my next tip here tip numberthree, is to then just focus in
discrete time chunks, and theperfect example of this that I
can think of from my ownexperience is when I was in
(21:41):
cadet basic training at WestPoint.
It was a really hard time.
Everything was reallychallenging and overwhelming.
You're getting yelled at allthe time.
You're having to march fromplace to place to do hard things
.
You're tired.
It was just a lot, there was alot, and I felt very overwhelmed
by it.
(22:02):
But I remember, even as a newcadet in cadet basic training, I
told myself, well, all I haveto do is make it to lunchtime,
or all I have to do is make itto dinner.
All I have to do is make it tothis next milestone.
And I would just really focusin that discrete time chunk
(22:23):
because if I looked at all ofbasic training, I couldn't do it
.
I was very overwhelmed.
I thought there's no way I'mgoing to make it.
If I went even further andlooked at all of my first plebe
year at West Point, I wouldthink there's no way I can't do
this.
And this is a strategy I'veused so many times, not just in
(22:43):
my army training.
Since then, either ondeployments or even when I was
at airborne school and I wasafraid of jumping out of
airplanes, I would look at justa very discrete time frame and
this is helpful no matter whatyour life circumstances, there's
probably going to be a meal inyour future, so maybe you think
(23:03):
I just need to make it untillunchtime, or I just need to
make it until afternoon snacktime, or I just need to make it
to nap time.
Whatever it is, it can bereally helpful to just think to
tell yourself all I have to dois just this next time chunk,
and just show up as best you canin that time chunk.
(23:24):
Because what we tend to do iswe snowball, we start looking at
all the things and we're like,oh, but then later tonight I
have this appointment and laterI have this obligation that I
have to do and later I'm goingto be doing this engagement, and
it's like, okay, you can letyourself spiral and think about
all of the things that you willbe having to do, or you can just
(23:44):
choose to focus intently on thenext little piece, because if
you focus on, if you try tofocus on everything, first of
all it's impossible and secondof all, you're going to feel
even more overwhelmed and evenmore like I don't want to do it,
because you're trying, yourbrain is trying to give yourself
the energy and motivation to doeverything all at one time, and
(24:07):
we just can't do that.
So just let yourself haveenough motivation to do just
this next time chunk.
And then my final tip, tipnumber four, is to trust God
with the outcomes, and I know Imentioned this in my own model,
but this is really just thatattitude of trustful surrender
(24:29):
where we say, lord, I feel likeyou got this.
So I'm going to trust you, I'mgoing to surrender this
situation to you and trust thatyou're going to take care of the
outcomes.
I had the image recently, when Iwas talking with my spiritual
director, of just being anewborn baby in God's arms and
(24:51):
God just looking at you with somuch love and so much tenderness
, just like a new parent,holding a baby, and studying
every detail of you and yourlife and knowing you and loving
you so deeply.
And that's how God, the Father,looks at you with love and
knows you in every circumstance.
(25:12):
You're in every detail of yourlife.
And the thing is, we are alllike those newborn babies.
We think that we're capable ofso much, we think that we can do
so many things, but really,when we compare what we're
capable of and what we can dowith what God can do, we really
(25:34):
are like newborn babies.
In comparison, we can'tactually do much of anything,
but God is still looking at uswith so much tenderness and so
much love that the more we canbecome small, the more we can
become childlike.
When this is the spiritualityof St Therese of Lisieux, this
(25:56):
is the spirituality of everygreat saint that says to enter
the kingdom of heaven.
Jesus tells us we have tobecome like little children.
So the more we can acknowledgehey, I can't do everything, but
you can, lord, that's when we'regoing to actually be able to
(26:20):
keep doing the things that weneed to do and we can actually
let ourselves be overwhelmedwith awe at what God is able to
accomplish in and through uswhen we give him this kind of
surrender.
Okay, so just a really quickrecap here.
When you are feeling a case ofthe adonis which could happen to
(26:44):
you at any time and will happenmany times, especially if your
life is full of difficultcircumstances what you can do is
first acknowledge how you'refeeling, without having to
identify it, why or justify it.
Just acknowledge this is howyou're feeling.
The next step is to run a modelon your thoughts.
(27:07):
So tip number two run a modelon your thoughts and choose to
run a model that's a consciousmodel, like that's really all
you can do in this situation.
It's very, very helpful.
Step number three is to focusin discrete time chunks.
(27:28):
What is just the very next timechunk that you can focus in?
And then the final tip numberfour is to trust God with the
outcomes and just completelysurrender to him.
I think I said steps, tips and Idon't know, but these are the
four things that you can do andI hope that that was clear, even
if I use different words forthe numbers.
(27:48):
So that's the recap.
I really hope that that wasclear, even if I use different
words for the numbers.
So that's the recap.
I really hope that this ishelpful for you.
I know that this has beenreally helpful for me.
I pray that it will serve youwell whenever you're in a
situation like this, and if thiswas helpful to you, then I
would love if you could sharethis podcast with someone you
(28:11):
know who might also be facing acase of the Yadawanas.
It might just be what they needtoday to take their own faith
to the next level and to keep onkeeping on in their difficult
circumstances.
So that's it for me this week.
Until next time, remember thatit is Jesus who inspires you to
(28:31):
do something great with yourlife, so don't let yourself be
ground down by mediocrity.
Bye for now.
Have you ever had a case of the adonwanas, a day
where maybe you had anoverwhelming amount of stuff on
your plate but less than zerodesire to do any of it?
If so, I can 100% relate.
In this episode, I'll share astrategy that I've found helpful
to boost my motivation on daysthat I don't feel like doing
(00:21):
anything.
It's simple to learn and youcan start.
Today You're listening to theCatholic Pursuit of Excellence,
the show that helps youaccomplish more, stress less and
become the saint God createdyou to be.
I'm your host life and healthcoach, jessica Castillo, and
this is episode 10.
(00:43):
I was recently in a call with aclient who is dealing with a lot
.
She's a mom of many, she'scaring for aging parents, she's
working from home, she has somany things on her plate, and in
the session I just asked herwhat was it that she really
wanted?
What was it that she reallywanted?
And her answer was just sohonest and so real and she just
(01:08):
said I don't want to do itanymore, and that really struck
me.
I could 100% understand thatfeeling and relate to it,
because I've definitely had thatfeeling myself.
The truth is, with thisclient's circumstances, we
really couldn't change a lot ofher circumstances.
(01:29):
She couldn't stop working, shecouldn't stop caring for her
children, she couldn't stopcaring for her parents.
She kind of had to keep going.
But how could we deal with thefact that she was tired and
overwhelmed and didn't want tokeep doing this anymore?
Well, it just so happens, asoften happens in my life, that
(01:52):
literally the very next day, Istarted experiencing a lot of
those same emotions myself in myown life, and my circumstances
are different from hers.
My children are different ages,my parents are deceased, so I'm
not in the same exactcircumstances.
But in my own circumstances, Ididn't want to do any of the
(02:15):
things that I had to do anymore,and I noticed that when I start
feeling that way which is notuncommon, by the way I just want
to normalize this experience.
A lot of times, as Catholics, wethink well, this is the cross
that I've been given and so Imust suck it up and carry it.
And that's really not what I'msaying at all.
(02:38):
Because, yes, this is the crossthat we've been given.
If you're in difficultcircumstances, this is the cross
that we've been given.
If you're in difficultcircumstances, then you can
trust that this is God's willfor you at this time, but that
doesn't mean that it's going tobe easy to deal with or that
you're always going to want tojust back up and do it.
That being said, it's kind ofimpossible for us to walk away
(03:03):
from.
We have to live our lives.
We have certain things that wehave to do, so the question
really is how do we deal withthis?
How do we deal with thesefeelings of I don't want to do
this or I don't want to carrythis cross, when it's necessary
that we do?
Well, that's kind of what Iwant to talk about in this
(03:25):
episode.
What I noticed with myself whenI'm in situations like this is
that I tend to have a lot ofbuffering behaviors, and if
you're unfamiliar with theconcept of a buffering behavior,
it's basically something thatyou do to escape feeling
(03:45):
negative emotions.
So, for instance, you'refeeling overwhelmed or stressed
or angry or sad or any number ofnegative emotions, and in order
to numb or blunt that emotionor not deal with that emotion in
the moment, you might turn to anumber of behaviors that make
it feel a little bit better, andthis is really normal for all
(04:07):
of us.
We do this.
It just helps to become awarethat we're doing it.
So for me, some of my bufferingbehaviors are I will start
researching things that Ialready know, but I just enjoy
learning and reading more about,especially for me as a health
coach.
I will start reading articlesor watching YouTube videos on
(04:31):
any number of health-relatedtopics that I kind of already
know.
I don't really get anything outof these research rabbit holes.
It just feels good for my brainto do and it's easier than
anything else I have to do.
Another buffering behavior thatI have is I will literally walk
away.
I love going for walks, and Iknow that walking is so good for
(04:56):
me, it's good for everyone,it's so helpful.
But I can actually takesomething healthy and good and
use it in a not good way, and Ithink that's true of all of us
too.
So for me, sometimes, when I'mfeeling really overwhelmed or I
don't want to do anything that Ineed to be doing, I will
(05:18):
literally go walk away and gofor a walk that I don't have
time for, that's longer than itneeds to be, and it's literally
just an avoidance behavior.
And so when I come back fromthat walk, instead of feeling
like I took a break or I'mrefreshed, I actually just feel
worse because now I have thesame amount of stuff to do and
(05:39):
less time to do it in.
And the reason I wanted to justshare that experience with you
is because you probably alsohave behaviors that you turn to
when you're buffering from.
This case of the I don't want is.
And it's sometimes helpful torecognize the behavior that
we're doing, because we mightnot actually have pinpointed the
(06:01):
thought, and the thought hereis I don't want to do this, I
don't want to do any of thisanymore, or something along
those lines.
These are very common and verynormal.
Really.
I just want again, I want toemphasize this is a very normal
human emotion.
There's nothing wrong with youwhen you're feeling this way,
(06:24):
but because you're in acircumstance that you can't just
quit, it's really vital thatyou learn some skills for how to
deal with the situation so that, when it arises, you can
actually handle it in a healthyway that doesn't hurt you more
and make your circumstances evenworse.
(06:45):
So I want to share just a fewtips and strategies that I found
helpful and that I literallyjust had to use on myself very
recently.
So this is an ongoing processand I don't want you to ever
think, oh, I will one day arrivewhere this isn't the situation
(07:07):
anymore.
This is going to come up foryou again and again because
you're human, and so I'm goingto probably have to do this on
myself again really soon, maybetomorrow, maybe later today, I
don't know.
So I do want to share all ofthis and just let you have it as
a tool in your toolkit that youcan use when you need to.
I also just want to say that Iam recovering from a cold right
(07:31):
now, so if my voice sounds alittle bit froggy, that's why
and it's also probably why I wasdealing with the case of the
anuanas because, just physically, I'm a little tired and I don't
feel as well as I normally do.
So let's talk about tips.
(07:52):
What do you do when you don'twant to do any of the things
that you have to do?
Well, the first tip I have foryou is to just acknowledge how
you're feeling.
So many times and, like I said,in Catholic circles we think,
if I were to just acknowledgethat I don't want to do this,
that I'm somehow not being agood Catholic or I'm not
(08:12):
carrying my cross the way Ishould be, and I just need to
suck it up or I need to offerthis up.
I need to just buck up and doit.
And what I've noticed is thattoo many times we're trying to
hide from ourselves, we'retrying to almost escape the
(08:32):
reality that we're even feelingthis way.
And the truth is that we'realso usually trying to hide this
from God, so we're trying topretend almost as if there's no
problem here, there's nothinggoing on.
We're just going to keep onkeeping on.
And you know, the thing is, youcannot hide from God.
(08:56):
You might hide from yourself,you might fool yourself for a
little while, but God knows youin and out.
He knows every hair on yourhead, he knows every molecule in
your body, he knows everysingle thought and emotion that
you're having.
And, the thing is too, he alsounderstands it better than you
do.
So just being really honest andacknowledging that this is how
(09:21):
you're feeling, that can go along way, and you don't have to
identify why you're feeling thisway, you don't have to justify
it, you don't have to giveyourself a list of reasons of
why it's okay to feel this way.
It just is okay that you'refeeling this way, and so just
acknowledge this is how I'mfeeling and it's okay.
(09:44):
And the thing that helps me hereis to just meditate on Jesus in
the Garden of Gethsemane,because Jesus prayed for his cup
to be removed from him as well.
He saw what he had to do, heknew what he had to do and he
didn't want to do it either.
(10:04):
Or at least on his human level.
He prayed for this cup to beremoved from him because it was
so hard and so awful and humanlyhe didn't want to do it.
And if there was any other way,he asked that that other way
could happen.
You know, father, if it'spossible, remove this cup from
me.
And he prayed that many timesin the Garden of Gethsemane.
(10:28):
And so I like to meditate andreflect on that when I'm feeling
this way, because I think, yeah, in my humanity I don't want to
do these things.
There are repugnant things inmy life that I don't want to do.
And it's okay to feel that way,because it was not at all
sinful that Jesus felt that way.
But the way he concluded hisprayer was but not my will, but
(10:54):
yours be done.
So again, you can acknowledgethat you're not feeling like
doing something.
You can acknowledge that maybeyou're not feeling like doing
anything that you have to do andstill and still pray, but your
will be done and that's.
Both of those things can existsimultaneously.
(11:16):
This isn't like an either.
Or you can be choosing theFather's will while
acknowledging that, humanly, youdon't want to do it, and that's
okay.
So that's tip one.
Now the next thing that I wouldrecommend doing is running a
model on your thoughts.
(11:37):
So a lot of people, if you'relistening to this podcast and
you're familiar with Catholiccoaching or coaching models,
you've probably heard of themodel, and the model is
something basically borrowedfrom cognitive behavioral
therapy that really emphasizeshow our thoughts impact our
(12:00):
emotions, which then impact ourbehaviors, which then impact our
results.
So the basic flow of the modelis that you will have
circumstances and then you willhave thoughts about those
circumstances and then, based onyour thoughts, you will feel
certain emotions, and when youfeel certain emotions, you
(12:22):
behave in certain ways, and whenyou behave in certain ways, you
have certain outcomes orresults.
And the thing about the modelis, for most of us, this is kind
of always running unconsciouslybecause your mind is always
having thoughts.
I've heard it referred to aslike your heart is always
(12:45):
beating while your mind isalways having thoughts, and some
of these thoughts are true.
Some of these thoughts are nottrue.
These thoughts are justsentences in your brain and
they're happening all the time,whether you're aware of them or
not.
And a lot of times what happensis we'll be having these
unconscious thoughts, we'll berunning these unconscious models
(13:08):
that are not examined, they'rejust running and we'll behave in
ways that we don't reallyunderstand or that don't even
make sense to us, or we'll thinkI'm not even having thoughts,
I'm just feeling a certain way.
But if you were to parse it outand dig into it, there are
usually thoughts behind whatyou're feeling.
This is just happening.
(13:30):
Again, there's no judgment.
There's nothing wrong with theway that you're thinking.
It's just that it is.
But Jesus tells us that we canexamine everything by its fruit,
and so you can look at thefruit of the thoughts that
you're thinking.
Is this good fruit?
Is it helping you?
Is it making it easier for youto carry your cross, or is it
(13:52):
hurting you and makingeverything a little bit harder
and making you feel worse?
The beauty of the model and howit can be used is that it's a
tool that you can consciouslychoose to examine how you're
feeling how you're thinking, howyou're behaving, and then, at
any level of the model, you canchoose to make a change.
(14:15):
Sometimes you can change yourcircumstances, but in cases like
what I'm referring to today,you kind of can't.
Sometimes you know it's notlike you're going to give your
kids away, it's not like you'regoing to quit your job.
You still have stuff you haveto do and there's no getting out
of it.
So your circumstances may notchange at all.
But what we can do with themodel is we can kind of examine
(14:38):
what are your thoughts and couldyou, in a very conscious way,
using your intellect and willchoose thoughts that are going
to bear different fruit, because, as humans, we have the ability
to deliberately choose what wethink sometimes.
(14:59):
Now, like I said, your mind isalways having thoughts, so
there's going to be plenty ofthoughts that are just happening
.
But when you take the time toactually pay attention to your
thoughts and consciously choose,this is a thought that's
serving me better and a thoughtthat's not serving me as well.
And that distinction isimportant too, because it's not
(15:21):
so much that there's somethingwrong with your thinking or
you're thinking wrong or youshouldn't even have these
thoughts.
That's not helping you, that'snot serving you.
You're just beating yourself upwith more thoughts that are not
helping you, and it's just this.
Radical self-compassion is soimportant in this process.
(15:42):
But once you've recognized,okay, there are some thoughts
that are making me feel acertain way, that are making me
act a certain way.
Now it's time to do somethingabout it, and the way I would
recommend doing this.
Most of the time you're notgoing to have time to do
something about it, and the wayI would recommend doing this
most of the time you're notgoing to have time to actually
sit down and journal all of this.
But if you are really stuck,then literally sitting down with
(16:06):
a pencil and paper or pen andpaper or even a Word document
and just letting yourself go runthe model on yourself and write
out each phase and each stepand what's happening, can
actually be really helpful.
It only takes a few minutes.
Again, you probably won't do itlike every single time you're
ever having a negative emotion,but when you're really stuck it
(16:29):
can be very helpful, and this iswhat I did for myself helpful,
and this is what I did formyself.
Now I'm going to just share withyou really briefly, kind of
what I did here.
So I wrote the circumstances,what was going on, all of the
things that I had to do, just inthe circumstances.
You can think about this asbeing what can be proven in a
(16:49):
court of law, not how you feelabout it, not what you're
thinking about it, just thedetails.
So I wrote what meetings I had,what podcast interviews I had
coming up, what kind ofobligations I had on my plate
that were weighing on me, and Ijust wrote what there was on my
list that I don't want to do.
And then I just did kind of abrain dump on my thoughts, and
(17:13):
my thoughts were running alongthe lines of there's too much to
do today.
I don't want to do anythingthat I have to do.
I'm overwhelmed, I don't wantto do this.
I don't think I can do this.
This is too much, I can't dothis.
These are my real thoughts.
This is what I was thinking notvery long ago.
So I just want to emphasizeagain this is really normal and
(17:36):
even for coaches, we havethoughts like this, and it's
okay.
Now the next step of the modelis your emotion.
So how did I feel when I wasthinking these thoughts?
Well, I felt overwhelmed anddefeated and tired and resentful
Again.
These emotions were leading methen to have certain actions,
(17:58):
and so the action line or thebehavior line of the model was I
just acknowledged what I wasdoing when I felt that way, and
what I was doing was a lot ofbuffering and avoiding.
I would waste time on YouTubeor seeking dopamine.
I would be in my office but Iwouldn't be working.
I would go for a walk just toget away, but I wouldn't enjoy
(18:23):
it because I would the wholetime be feeling stressed,
because I knew I was supposed tobe doing something else, and so
I would feel that stress thatcomes from misalignment, of
doing something that you knewwasn't the right thing to be
doing.
Then the result would be that Ididn't get anything done.
I would feel even worse becausenow there's still a lot to be
(18:45):
done, I have less time to do it,and this was the unconscious
model, and I think this is wherea lot of us can be.
We run these unconscious models.
So then, going down in mynotebook, I wrote my intentional
model how would I rather thismodel went?
So in the circumstance line.
(19:06):
Well, the circumstance didn'tchange.
I still had all of those samethings on my list, all the same
things to do.
That was the circumstance.
Well, then I started thinkingwhat are some thoughts that I
could intentionally choose tothink that would help me
actually accomplish the thingsthat I had to do?
(19:27):
And so some of the thoughtsthat I wrote down were all I
have to do is the next thingwith love, jesus will take care
of the rest.
This is what God wants me to do, and one thought that was
really powerful for me was I canmake my father proud.
And when I practiced thinkingthose thoughts, my emotions
(19:51):
changed.
The emotions that I startedfeeling instead were expectant
hope.
I could expect good things.
I felt peaceful surrender.
I felt confidence.
I even felt humility and awe,and I felt humble because I knew
I couldn't do everything on myown, but I felt awe because God
(20:15):
could and he would, and I knewthat he would help me.
These were the differentemotions I experienced when I
practiced thinking these otherthoughts.
And how do I show up when I feelexpectant hope, peaceful
surrender, confidence, humilityand awe?
Well, I show up by faithfullydoing my best with each task,
(20:37):
one thing at a time, with myfull intention and a good
attitude.
That's how I show up in thosesituations and then the result
is that everything that's reallyimportant gets done and I end
the day marveling at God'sgoodness and love and what he
can accomplish in and through mewhen I really trust him.
(20:59):
So that's a personal example.
I literally just had mynotebook open and was sharing
with you the models that I ran,but you can do this for yourself
.
So whenever you notice eitherthoughts, behaviors or emotions
that are not serving you, youcan run a simple model on it
yourself.
(21:20):
And, of course, if you'reworking with a coach, this is a
perfect thing to bring tocoaching, because a coach can
walk you through this model aswell.
Now my next tip here tip numberthree, is to then just focus in
discrete time chunks, and theperfect example of this that I
can think of from my ownexperience is when I was in
(21:41):
cadet basic training at WestPoint.
It was a really hard time.
Everything was reallychallenging and overwhelming.
You're getting yelled at allthe time.
You're having to march fromplace to place to do hard things
.
You're tired.
It was just a lot, there was alot, and I felt very overwhelmed
by it.
(22:02):
But I remember, even as a newcadet in cadet basic training, I
told myself, well, all I haveto do is make it to lunchtime,
or all I have to do is make itto dinner.
All I have to do is make it tothis next milestone.
And I would just really focusin that discrete time chunk
(22:23):
because if I looked at all ofbasic training, I couldn't do it
.
I was very overwhelmed.
I thought there's no way I'mgoing to make it.
If I went even further andlooked at all of my first plebe
year at West Point, I wouldthink there's no way I can't do
this.
And this is a strategy I'veused so many times, not just in
(22:43):
my army training.
Since then, either ondeployments or even when I was
at airborne school and I wasafraid of jumping out of
airplanes, I would look at justa very discrete time frame and
this is helpful no matter whatyour life circumstances, there's
probably going to be a meal inyour future, so maybe you think
(23:03):
I just need to make it untillunchtime, or I just need to
make it until afternoon snacktime, or I just need to make it
to nap time.
Whatever it is, it can bereally helpful to just think to
tell yourself all I have to dois just this next time chunk,
and just show up as best you canin that time chunk.
(23:24):
Because what we tend to do iswe snowball, we start looking at
all the things and we're like,oh, but then later tonight I
have this appointment and laterI have this obligation that I
have to do and later I'm goingto be doing this engagement, and
it's like, okay, you can letyourself spiral and think about
all of the things that you willbe having to do, or you can just
(23:44):
choose to focus intently on thenext little piece, because if
you focus on, if you try tofocus on everything, first of
all it's impossible and secondof all, you're going to feel
even more overwhelmed and evenmore like I don't want to do it,
because you're trying, yourbrain is trying to give yourself
the energy and motivation to doeverything all at one time, and
(24:07):
we just can't do that.
So just let yourself haveenough motivation to do just
this next time chunk.
And then my final tip, tipnumber four, is to trust God
with the outcomes, and I know Imentioned this in my own model,
but this is really just thatattitude of trustful surrender
(24:29):
where we say, lord, I feel likeyou got this.
So I'm going to trust you, I'mgoing to surrender this
situation to you and trust thatyou're going to take care of the
outcomes.
I had the image recently, when Iwas talking with my spiritual
director, of just being anewborn baby in God's arms and
(24:51):
God just looking at you with somuch love and so much tenderness
, just like a new parent,holding a baby, and studying
every detail of you and yourlife and knowing you and loving
you so deeply.
And that's how God, the Father,looks at you with love and
knows you in every circumstance.
(25:12):
You're in every detail of yourlife.
And the thing is, we are alllike those newborn babies.
We think that we're capable ofso much, we think that we can do
so many things, but really,when we compare what we're
capable of and what we can dowith what God can do, we really
(25:34):
are like newborn babies.
In comparison, we can'tactually do much of anything,
but God is still looking at uswith so much tenderness and so
much love that the more we canbecome small, the more we can
become childlike.
When this is the spiritualityof St Therese of Lisieux, this
(25:56):
is the spirituality of everygreat saint that says to enter
the kingdom of heaven.
Jesus tells us we have tobecome like little children.
So the more we can acknowledgehey, I can't do everything, but
you can, lord, that's when we'regoing to actually be able to
(26:20):
keep doing the things that weneed to do and we can actually
let ourselves be overwhelmedwith awe at what God is able to
accomplish in and through uswhen we give him this kind of
surrender.
Okay, so just a really quickrecap here.
When you are feeling a case ofthe adonis which could happen to
(26:44):
you at any time and will happenmany times, especially if your
life is full of difficultcircumstances what you can do is
first acknowledge how you'refeeling, without having to
identify it, why or justify it.
Just acknowledge this is howyou're feeling.
The next step is to run a modelon your thoughts.
(27:07):
So tip number two run a modelon your thoughts and choose to
run a model that's a consciousmodel, like that's really all
you can do in this situation.
It's very, very helpful.
Step number three is to focusin discrete time chunks.
(27:28):
What is just the very next timechunk that you can focus in?
And then the final tip numberfour is to trust God with the
outcomes and just completelysurrender to him.
I think I said steps, tips and Idon't know, but these are the
four things that you can do andI hope that that was clear, even
if I use different words forthe numbers.
(27:48):
So that's the recap.
I really hope that that wasclear, even if I use different
words for the numbers.
So that's the recap.
I really hope that this ishelpful for you.
I know that this has beenreally helpful for me.
I pray that it will serve youwell whenever you're in a
situation like this, and if thiswas helpful to you, then I
would love if you could sharethis podcast with someone you
(28:11):
know who might also be facing acase of the Yadawanas.
It might just be what they needtoday to take their own faith
to the next level and to keep onkeeping on in their difficult
circumstances.
So that's it for me this week.
Until next time, remember thatit is Jesus who inspires you to
(28:31):
do something great with yourlife, so don't let yourself be
ground down by mediocrity.
Bye for now.
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