February 20, 2025 • 56 mins
In this episode of The Circle, Eric and Tim explore how men can shift from living in a world of “shoulds” and obligations to consciously choosing their actions with clarity and intention. Drawing from men’s embodiment practices, Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication, and mindfulness techniques, they unpack the subtle but powerful difference between “I have to” and “I choose to.”
Through personal reflections and recent men’s circles, they discuss how cultural conditioning shapes our internalized expectations, the role of discomfort in decision-making, and the transformative power of pausing before acting. Can we reclaim autonomy by understanding our true motivations? Is “should” always a burden, or can it be used consciously? And how does embodiment practice help us notice the patterns in our bodies before they dictate our choices?
Join the conversation as Eric and Tim challenge conventional ideas of duty and obligation, inviting men to move beyond mindless action and into deeper self-awareness and freedom.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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Eric Bomyea (00:06):
Welcome back to the circle. This week, we're
exploring how men can shift fromliving in shoulds and have tos
to connecting with what theytruly want and their desires.
We'll reflect on the energybehind our actions, how to
reframe obligation intoconscious choice, and take it
deeper by talking about sittingwith discomfort, noticing
impulses, and deciding from aplace of intention. Tim, are you
(00:27):
ready to go all in?
Timothy Bish (00:28):
I am.
Eric Bomyea (00:29):
Great. So men's work isn't just about thinking
differently. It's about noticinghow patterns show up in our
bodies and our daily lives.Whether it's the urge to fidget,
the voice telling us what weshould or shouldn't do, or the
discomfort of just sittingstill. These practices invite us
to pause, reconnect withourselves, and choose from a
place of presence and freedom.
(00:50):
So this week, as you know, Ifacilitated the men's sharing
circle and the men's embodimentcircle where I played with these
themes and explored them, withthe participants. And for our
audience, Tim got to actuallyparticipate this week. So, Tim,
I wanna check-in with you. Whatwas your experience like during
these circles?
Timothy Bish (01:06):
Well, it felt to me when you were, leading the
circles that you were reallytalking about the difference
between an I should do or I mustdo or I have to versus an I
choose to. And so one of thethings I noticed was just
contemplating that. And, youknow, there was an exercise you
(01:29):
gave us where we added thebecause, right? So I should do
this be you know, is becausemaybe someone told me I should
or there's this culturalexpectation that I should. You
know, a lot of what men's workis, like, I should do this
because this is what men do.
And then if you think, well, amI choosing to do that and what
(01:53):
is my because? Because it wasthat part that really impacted
me. Oh, because I want to behappier. I want to be more
connected. I want to be moreauthentically myself.
When you connect with thereason, the because, the why to
(02:16):
what you are choosing to do, itbecomes, in my opinion, more
powerful. So that was one of thethe takeaways for me was, oh, if
I'm choosing to do something,it's easier to choose that when
I have a powerful why, apowerful because. Yeah. So even
our morning practice that we'vebeen doing morning pages and I
(02:37):
added a different component toit this morning, I I got clear
about my because because ofthese circles in this practice.
So, Oh, this is why I'm doingit.
So now it makes me want to do ita little bit more even though
there will still be moments whenI would rather just sit and have
coffee and like the becausefueled me into into action that
(03:01):
I am grateful I took.
Eric Bomyea (03:03):
Yeah. When I first did this practice before I
brought it into, circle was Iwas really struggling with,
these, like, overwhelmingfeelings of obligation and duty.
Like the the feeling of of beingcommitted to something, the the
feeling of being obligated tosomething or someone was really
starting to chip away at like myautonomy and my freedom. And I
(03:26):
started to feel like I didn'thave choices anymore. And so it
really like you know I I didthis practice about a year ago
and like at that point I wasjust feeling in a really like
like prickly place where I waslike I had all these things that
I was like telling myself that Ihad to do that I should do that
I felt obligated to do.
And I was really, like throughthis practice, really starting
(03:46):
to help myself reframe anddiscover and explore what's the
underlying motivation for whyI'm doing something. And if I
wasn't able to, really find whatmy because was, I cut it out of
my life. Or I tried to anyway.Because if my true motivation
was like money or or somethinglike that, then, like, I can
(04:10):
find other ways to do money orto find money in this world. It
doesn't have to be somethingthat I feel super obligated to.
Yeah. If I if I can findsomething that I can reframe
with a I choose to because itbrings me happiness and also
money, right? That's a win. Butif I'm feeling that it's like,
oh, this is just an obligation,like that to me is a red flag.
Timothy Bish (04:30):
Well, this is why I feel like that idea of, does
it spark joy Mhmm.
Eric Bomyea (04:34):
I'm
Timothy Bish (04:34):
realizing now is actually a really powerful
question. Mhmm. Because that'sbecause or why enough. Oh, this
makes me really happy. Okay.
That's enough. We we have we areguaranteed one life, so things
that make you happy are reasonenough to include them. So it's
(04:56):
a powerful question. But butalso in the in the doing of
these two circles, another thingthat I came to understand or had
reminded that that I thought wasreally powerful was the nature
of our cultural conditionedshoulds.
Eric Bomyea (05:12):
Mhmm.
Timothy Bish (05:13):
So as I listened to the men sharing, I heard a
lot of like, well, I should besuccessful, do more work, you
know, be really efficient, besuper organized, be very
proficient. Like, the theshoulds that were so common were
also very shared, right? And Ithink I even mentioned in one of
(05:33):
my reflections in the circle, Iwasn't hearing any I should take
a break. I should, you know,focus on my self care. I should
we had when we think aboutshoulds, just like anything,
nothing's all good or all bad,right?
But it's kind of spoken about inthis time as all bad, I think
(05:56):
partially because we focus onthose things, right? Like, I
should allow myself some time torecuperate, to rest, to be
quiet, to be still, you know.But we don't those aren't the
shoulds we're talking about. Theshoulds are work harder, do
more, be better, look better,you know, excel, you know,
(06:19):
achieve. And and and that Irealized was prevalent among all
these men.
I think men are burdened by avery specific kind of should,
which I think men's work istrying to address.
Eric Bomyea (06:32):
Yeah. I mean, the the practice came from Marshall
Rosenberg's nonviolentcommunication and in that he
talks about the that should isone of the most violent words
that we can use againstourselves and others because it
can remove choice. It can removeautonomy. And humans are not
meant to be slaves. Right?
So, like, that's that's what hesays in in the book. And so I
(06:54):
think that when we do hear theseshoulds it's that we like we
think that there's no otherchoice. We don't think that
there's another option. And evenwhen you're saying like I should
model a, healthy relationshipwith rest for myself and for
others, my my immediate like,subconscious like, if I were to
finish that sentence is but. Ishould rest more but.
(07:17):
Right? There's automatically inmy brain, in my programming
Mhmm. Something that's tellingme, like, already that there's
there's a right and a wronghere.
Timothy Bish (07:26):
Mhmm.
Eric Bomyea (07:26):
Right. Right. And that I don't have a choice. I
have I have, like, okay, like, Ishould rest, but I have these
other things that I should bedoing.
Timothy Bish (07:33):
Sure. I I hear that. I hear that. And I I
suspect a lot of people canrelate to that and have that
experience. There's a part of methat also feels like language
is, meant and has a purpose.
So, I don't think a concept likeshould is, like, entirely bad.
Mhmm. And I think it's aseverything is and what what we
(07:57):
talk about, if we bringconsciousness to it, if I'm if I
am consciously shoulding orlooking for or asking for
shoulds in a conscious way. Oh,I go to a mentor. I have these
three options in front of me,teacher, that I know well and
trust.
(08:18):
Which should I do, you know, inyour opinion? I do not think
that is, you know, I understandlinguistically why I'm like, I
don't have to try to eliminatethat word from my vocabulary. I
have to try to eliminate theconsciousness of, mindless
obligation
Eric Bomyea (08:35):
Yes.
Timothy Bish (08:35):
And, and bring in, a lot of choice and awareness.
So, I still want to use the wordshould if I choose to.
Eric Bomyea (08:47):
Absolutely. Right. It's the impact of language on
our self awareness. Like, thatlanguage helps us to give Right.
Meaning to our experience.
Right? And it's like, it I thinkthat's the beautiful part of it.
It's like, again, it's it itthere isn't a moralistic
judgment here with this word.Like, use it, but can you use it
consciously?
Timothy Bish (09:07):
Do you think that I should reconsider my choice to
use the word should? That's aI'm just joking.
Eric Bomyea (09:14):
I think I I think that you are welcome to explore
that.
Timothy Bish (09:19):
Oh, okay. Right? I choose to. Yeah. I I I'm
choosing to explore.
Eric Bomyea (09:24):
Right. And it's a pretty powerful practice.
Anything that can I thinkanything that can give us a
moment of pause to think alittle bit? It's so funny. My
therapist last week wasliterally because I I just got
laid off from my job y'all.
So, like, my my defaultprogramming is to, like, go
right into what's next. Like, gointo immediate problem solving.
Like, I have to find out what'snext for me because of
(09:49):
programming. What should I donext? Yeah.
Right? And the prompt was like,can you just pause? Can you sit?
Like, when an impulse comes up.And this was a lot of the
inspiration for the circles.
Was like, when an impulse comesup, can I sit with it for just a
couple minutes? And really thinkon it. Yeah. You know, and just
(10:12):
like listen. Listen to what mythoughts are telling me, what my
body is telling me, what theuniverse is telling me, what,
like, what anyone is telling me.
Can I just pause and listen fora few minutes? And so, I think
that's the the power of apractice like this is it's like
it's not it's not arecommendation to completely
eliminate have to must shouldduty, obligation. I think that's
(10:35):
just noticing.
Timothy Bish (10:36):
Well, we talked about the the Kabbalistic,
teaching of restriction. I'mpretty certain I
Eric Bomyea (10:42):
think so, but remind us.
Timothy Bish (10:43):
It's that well, it's the same idea. Well,
injecting conscious pause beforefalling into, habit or grasping
at something because you
Eric Bomyea (10:55):
Or like somebody offers you something.
Timothy Bish (10:56):
Yeah. Yeah. And you have the and they they use
the image of the light bulb, Ithink, you know, in the
filament. The filament keepingthose two poles separated is why
the light bulb burns. Mhmm.
The two poles come together, itgets super bright but then it
burns out. Right? That thatrestriction is like the thing
that is necessary for it tocontinue. Right? So it's all
about, and by the way, I'm notan expert in Kabbalah, but, my
(11:20):
understanding of it is that it'sabout bringing that conscious
pause.
And I really can't think of toomany examples from my own life
when I have brought a consciouspause and then regretted it.
Because that conscious pause canbe five seconds, ten seconds if
(11:42):
it needs to. But, oh, before Ifall into I want to yell at you
or I want to withdraw from youor I want to make like a wild
choice or a big impactfulchoice, I decide to pause. I
can't I can't think of oneexample of when I've been like,
oh, I wish I hadn't paused. Iwish I'd been really impulsive.
Eric Bomyea (12:04):
Right. Right. Exactly. But I can I can I can I
can come up with at least adozen times that I regretted an
impulse? Right?
Like, so often that I'm like,why? Why did I act? Why did I
speak? Why did I do? Like, thatthing.
Timothy Bish (12:19):
Well, this is Yeah. The teaching of Kabbalah,
which is like, short termpleasure, long term discomfort,
short term discomfort, whichwould be that pause, because
especially when it's a goodthing. To be like, oh, I really
want that thing, and you stillbring the pause, long term
fulfillment. And yeah, it's likethe impulse is so easily
(12:39):
regrettable because it's fastand more than fast, it's
unconscious. The pause means Ihad enough awareness to know I
needed to stop and think aboutthis even for a second.
So think about all the choicesin our lives we made without
thinking and then you're like,oh, so if I thought about it
even for a second, that's betterthan none at all.
Eric Bomyea (13:01):
Absolutely. I mean, on the topic of discomfort
moving into embodiment circle
Timothy Bish (13:05):
Yeah.
Eric Bomyea (13:06):
Like, I brought in a very long seated practice
That's right. With the specificintention of being like, hey,
y'all, You're about to getuncomfortable. You're about to
actually sit in discomfort. Andso, like, during that practice,
like, you know, I was sittingtoo, so I was starting to get
uncomfortable. And the theprompt was like, it's okay to to
(13:28):
notice discomfort, but can youcatch yourself before the
impulse to react to thatdiscomfort takes over?
Right? So the simple example is,like, oh, my nose itches. Not
even thinking about it
Timothy Bish (13:41):
For our listeners, he quickly swatted his nose.
Eric Bomyea (13:46):
And they might have just heard it on
Timothy Bish (13:47):
the mic. Yeah. Yeah.
Eric Bomyea (13:49):
Or like, oh, my, knee is starting to, you know,
get a little, you know,uncomfortable. I'm starting to
get a little sensitive. Like,it's okay. I'm not telling or I
wasn't instructing anyone, like,don't move. Like, sit there in
your discomfort.
Right? Like, I can be a sadist,but, like, I'm not bringing in
my sadism into the circle.Right? Like, that's just not
(14:09):
what I'm doing. Right?
Timothy Bish (14:10):
Different different episode. Different
episode.
Eric Bomyea (14:12):
Yeah. But, like, I
Timothy Bish (14:14):
Which is coming, I think.
Eric Bomyea (14:16):
But I gave I gave full permission and, like,
instruction of, like, I want youto move. I want you to tend to
yourself if you can consciouslychoose to do it. Right? Like,
just like, all the only ask thatI had was, like, can you bring a
little bit of attention andawareness to that?
Timothy Bish (14:33):
So not specific to your practice, but, piggybacking
on that because it's so frequentin so many of my teachers'
practices, this idea of likeslow, mindful transitions.
Because I think part of itisn't, do I want to move? Am I
uncomfortable? I think that'ssort of the easy part, to be
like, Oh, I'm eitheruncomfortable or I'm not and I
(14:54):
want to move or I don't. Butthen when you get to the point
when you're like, Well, I'm onthe precipice of like I need to
move because I'm souncomfortable.
In that moment, what I haveobserved happened so frequently
is like, oh, that's the momentwhen we can fall so quickly into
our old habits, which is like, Ijust want to make this feel
better and now I'm going to likecompletely fall out of my
(15:18):
practice, completely lose myconnection to the present moment
and just sort of satisfy thisthing, scratch the itch, do what
I, you know. And so so many ofmy teachers will, speak about
like if you have to move. Ifyou're in meditation and, you
know, you feel a droplet ofsweat or a fly lands on you, and
(15:40):
it's very distracting, you don'thave to suffer through it. But
don't allow yourself to fallinto, like, oh, well, that
reaction should happen. And and,you know, and we live in a world
where we tend to be so fast.
We we tend to run so quickly topleasure or or to the cessation
of pain, that we will kind ofabandon everything else in
(16:04):
pursuit of it. And I think theteachings are saying, well, you
can do that, but, you know, howdo you do it? And so that's why
this idea of, like, movingslowly and mindfully, I don't
think slow isn't necessarily,like better than fast, but I
think slow allows a person who'sbuilding their conscious muscle
to engage their consciousmuscle. So I'm assuming then
(16:27):
there might be enlightenedbeings who are like, I can swat
the fly as quickly as I want.You're like, oh, because you've
you've been doing this for along time.
But if you're a beginner, moveslowly so you can be as mindful
about it as possible.
Eric Bomyea (16:38):
Right. I think about that with with any
physical practice that I do. Mymy impulse is to, like, do the
movement, like, fast and big.This is group fitness classes,
why they're a struggle for me.So, like, Helltown Fitness, I
was taking a class with withcoach Tim over here the other
day and, like, I I am
Timothy Bish (16:57):
a co founder of a boutique fitness studio here in
in Provincetown called HelltownFitness, based around
kettlebells.
Eric Bomyea (17:02):
And they're they're really great, really dynamic,
you know
Timothy Bish (17:05):
Excellently programmed, excellently coached.
Eric Bomyea (17:09):
And so but what I find is that they are new
movements to me. Like, I I didnot have kettlebell experience
before these classes and, like,I look around, I see you, I see
other people, I see people,like, really, like, going big
with their movements, going fastwith their movements, and I've
tried that before and it doesn'twork for me because I don't the
body, my body doesn't understandthe those mechanics and so I
(17:32):
have to slow it way down. And sosometimes I have to like, you
know, sacrifice a little bit oflike time. Like if we've got
thirty forty five seconds in anexercise like, I may only be
able to get through a handful ofthem because I really have to
slow my body down and let thatthat the mechanics really sit in
before maybe the next round Ican now get four or five in. So
(17:54):
when you talk about, like, youknow, they're, like, moving
slowly and mindfully.
Right? Like, at first, yeah,that's that's kind of the
invitation. And then over time,once you build up that that that
familiarity, like, yeah, and youit might you might be able to
move a little bit quicker. Butthe challenge always is, like,
can you recognize if you've justgone into habit routine? Right?
(18:14):
Rather than being a little bitmore mindful or conscious of it.
So, like, when you talk about,like, transitioning
transitioning from, like, eithera posture to another. I remember
one circle you led that Ithought was really really
brilliant where we did
Timothy Bish (18:27):
Well, they were all brilliant.
Eric Bomyea (18:28):
Yeah. I mean That's true. Thank you. Thank you.
Where it was it was all aboutlike, linking breath to movement
and and trying to be as smoothbetween poses or postures as
possible and noticing the momentof shift.
So if we were doing, like, adown dog to a plank, right,
(18:50):
like, could we make that asmooth movement and notice the
moment that we, like, shiftedback and kind of that that,
like, microsecond of transitioninto the next one. And instead
of, like, rushing through it,just really, like, taking time
to to notice. And I, like, Istill take that practice with me
almost daily.
Timothy Bish (19:09):
I mean, I think it's one of the primary
teachings I received from theyoga asana practice, this idea
of like mindfully consciouslylinking things together. It's
why Vinyasa is such a profoundmindfulness practice. And I I
think I've said this before butI I will tell people, I'm like,
be the melody, not thecollection of notes that are
(19:32):
adjacent to each other. That tome is, like, what the strict
Vinyasa practice is aiming todo. And and so it it is to get
back onto our topic, like, thisidea, like, it is choosing to
engage in a particular way.
It's choosing to pay attentionin a particular way. And that
(19:55):
that ability is something thatwe can cultivate. It's also
something that we need topractice and build just like
anything else. You want you wantstronger biceps, you go to the
gym and you start liftingprogressively heavier and
heavier weights over a period oftime. Same is true with yoga
asana and consciousnesspractice.
You know, when I first startedyoga asana, let's take Warrior
(20:16):
two for an example, I was maybethinking about like one or two
things, like my my knees stackedover my ankle and my shoulders
stacked over my hips. Right? Butthrough now, decades of
practice, I can think about myknee and my back leg and my
ankles and my pelvis and myshoulders and my pubic bone and
(20:38):
my head and my gaze and mybreath and my intention that
came through this sort ofprogressive, like, practice of
building that. And so, you know,that's really what we're talking
about.
Eric Bomyea (20:51):
Yeah. Understanding the mechanics of the body and,
like, you know, that gradualawareness of of it. Yeah. And to
be able to then see or andexperience the full melody.
Right?
At first, you like, for me,right, and then it sounds like
you, like, you one to two notes,right, at at a time. Right?
Learning one to two notes andthen, like, with the the over
(21:13):
time practicing, you start tohear the melody.
Timothy Bish (21:16):
Well, I think so this is the when we think about,
choosing versus shoulding.Right? We also have to
understand our capacity. Wetalked about this like with our
edges, you know. So, I can'tjust choose to be a master at a
thing, right?
(21:36):
I can choose to engage in aprocess that will take me step
by step towards that thing. So Ithink there's a power in the
awareness of that too. So you'reliving your life, you're
listening to this podcast,you're like, oh, I should a lot
or I must do a lot or I have toa lot, I feel these things in my
life a lot and now I wanna Iwanna shift it to I choose to.
(21:58):
Well, chances are you're notgonna be able to choose to do
everything in your lifeperfectly starting right now. I
wish you could.
I wish I could. I wish there wasa light switch and we could just
flip it and just be likeeverything changes. So when we
talk about like this work andhow we bring it in, well then
maybe we need to start, youknow, reasonably and small. So
(22:21):
maybe I'm going to choose to paymore attention to an aspect of
my life or one part of myengagement. Mhmm.
And I can start to build mymuscle in there. And so, you
know, if you're wondering, Iwould suggest, especially if you
are listening in in achallenging moment, maybe start
(22:43):
with the area of your life thatneeds your the most attention,
right? But practice there andthen in time you're like, Oh,
well now I can choose to payattention to my kids and my
primary relationship and my joband my friendships and my hobby
and my self care, but you mightnot be able to start there.
Eric Bomyea (23:02):
Right. It's, you know, like, I fall into the
tendency where I try to take bigbites. I mean, I think I said
this before. Like, even, like,even, like, physically with
food. Right?
Like, I'm a like, I take bigbites. And so that's that's my
life. That's everything. I'm a,like, an an all in type of
person. I go big.
And what that ends up doing isit can overwhelm me very
(23:23):
quickly. And so part of mypractice is like pausing and
taking it bit by bit.
Timothy Bish (23:30):
I was watching Instagram and there was this
video. It was a funny video ofthis girl who was like, I'm
gonna make sandwiches until Ifind a boyfriend. She made this
gigantic sandwich, but she madeit with a, like, a steak. And I
thought since you're talkingabout big bites, I was like,
that that sandwich looksdelicious if I had, like, a fork
(23:52):
and a knife. I'm like, I don'tknow that I could I don't know
that I could bite through thatsteak.
Mhmm.
Eric Bomyea (23:59):
Do you
Timothy Bish (23:59):
think you could bite through a steak?
Eric Bomyea (24:02):
I definitely would try. Like, if if somebody served
me a sandwich, like, big, fluffybrioche bun Yeah. Plus steak
Timothy Bish (24:12):
Onions and, like plus everything. Sauce.
Eric Bomyea (24:14):
And it was just this giant I would give it my
all.
Timothy Bish (24:17):
Okay. Well, I I respect and appreciate that.
Yeah. I I wonder how successfulyou would be. I wonder how
successful I would be.
I wonder if I would look like apuppy with, like, a leather
slipper in my mouth.
Eric Bomyea (24:28):
I think I would look like Paris Hilton doing the
the the Carl Junior's ad. Youknow Or was it Paris Hilton who
had, like, the giant burger? Shewas, like, on the car.
Timothy Bish (24:37):
I have literally no idea what you're referring
to, but I could tell you thiswhen I describe you, I describe
you as Paris Hilton. Like like,who's Eric? I'm like, oh, you
know, my friend who looks likeParis Hilton.
Eric Bomyea (24:46):
The stars are blind.
Timothy Bish (24:47):
Yeah. He sits on the car car hood with a burger
is what I say. And people arelike, oh. That one. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy how,like, effective that is.
Eric Bomyea (24:56):
Alright. So on that, I do look like
Timothy Bish (24:58):
I just got a ping.
Eric Bomyea (24:58):
Like, these we're starting to talk a little bit
about desires. Right? Like, I'mnow desiring
Timothy Bish (25:02):
A burger?
Eric Bomyea (25:03):
A burger or a big old, like, juicy steak, you
know, sandwich.
Timothy Bish (25:07):
Okay.
Eric Bomyea (25:08):
And so I I do wanna explore a little bit the the
linkage here between, like, youknow, the impulses and bringing
an awareness and then maybe,like, starting to identify the
desires. It's that thatevolution of, like, have to,
should to, must to, like, Ichoose to because. Right? That
because kind of can be that theunderlying desire Mhmm. And
(25:29):
motivation.
And so, you know, I think asqueer as a queer man, right, I
was told a lot of, like, what Ishouldn't do. I shouldn't like
other guys. Right? And I thinkthat what that did was it, like,
it, like, really stifled mydesire for a long time And,
(25:50):
like, started to build a lot of,like, shame in my life, my sex
life. And, you know, the waythat I, you know, was expressing
myself, you know, was built upwith a lot of shame because I
was told I shouldn't.
Timothy Bish (26:03):
Mhmm.
Eric Bomyea (26:03):
Right? And, like, it's been a long exercise. I
was, like, really starting toexplore what is it that I
actually want. You know, notjust, like, in my, like,
professional life and myinterpersonal, but, like, in my
my my sexual life. Right?
Like, what is it that I want?What is it that I'm desiring?
And, like, that's been, like,years of, like, unpacking.
(26:24):
Right? All the things that,like, I was told I shouldn't do.
Timothy Bish (26:27):
Yeah. I mean, I think as a as a queer person
well, I mean, you're kind ofblowing my mind right now with
this idea of, like, thinkingabout what I'm choosing. I think
for a long time, I had thisfeeling of I should take what I
can get because it's you know, Ishouldn't be doing it in the
(26:47):
first place. So, like, kind ofgrabbing what you can, and it
feels like this idea of choiceand asking, like, what what
would I choose if I could, is awhole new way of thinking about
it.
Eric Bomyea (27:02):
And just taking that moment. Right? Like, I've,
like, I've I've sat and, like,really tried to, like, like,
unpack some of the things thatI, like, I rarely actually want.
Right? Like, if I mean, do Ihave to take it to the sexual
realm?
Just, like, thinking of, like,professionally. Like, what is it
that I want to do now that Ihave an opportunity to have,
like, the the space to explorewithout a job right now? Like,
(27:25):
what is it that I want to do?And I'm in a privileged position
right now where, like, I'm gonnahave a little bit of space to
explore that and I don't haveto, like, jump right to the
next. And so, like, you know, II mean, I'm gonna continue doing
this exercise.
I'm gonna do my own table andreally try to figure out, like,
you know, what is what'sunderneath? What what is gonna
(27:46):
bring joy for me? And then, youknow, just continuing to bring
that to more aspects of my life.
Timothy Bish (27:51):
Yeah. I think there's power in allowing
yourself the opportunity to evensay, I don't know if I like
that. Mhmm. I don't know if Iwant that, but I know I probably
need to try it on some level toget a sense of it and then
allowing yourself that. Right?
To be like, oh, I'm gonna try athing and, like, maybe I'm gonna
(28:13):
like it, maybe I'm not. And Iand then, like, not having any
shame around it. I think, Ithink maybe I've told you this
story, but I I had a friend, anacquaintance in New York City
when I was living there who,wanted to be humiliated. Mhmm.
It was like part part of hissort of fantasy and what he
(28:35):
enjoyed.
And I was like, I can I can tryit? I'm like, I've never I've
never done that. And so I Itried it. I'm only laughing
because it's you know, I triedit and I realized in that we
were on like a it was a phonecall actually. We weren't doing
anything in person in thatmoment.
I I was like, oh, I'm way toonurturing for for this. I'm
(29:01):
like, I'm just like I'm justlike not the right person. And
so then, you know, we kind ofcompleted that experience and I
spoke to him a few days later,and spoke my truth about that.
But I'm like but I look back onhim like, Well, I'm really glad
I tried. Because, it was still avery sweet, consensual sort of,
(29:22):
exploratory moment.
I think he was probably prettyaware of the fact that this
wasn't like my wheelhouseeither, you know? He he didn't
say that, but, like, I think itwas pretty obvious. But, but I'm
like I pat myself on the backfor, like, trying. How many
people have, like, had an entirelife that included, like, a
sexual intimate component andhave never tried something that
(29:45):
that, that wasn't, like,expected or or typical. Right?
Eric Bomyea (29:49):
Right. And that like this going back, it's so
much is said because you shouldor shouldn't do something. Yeah.
Right? It creates taboo.
Right? It creates and it's like,do you will you give yourself
permission to explore that, totry it? Right? And can you
create an environment wherethat's something that you can
consciously do? Like in this thescene that you were, you know,
(30:10):
participating in.
Right? Like, consciously goingin and be like, well, we're
gonna try. Let's see whathappens.
Timothy Bish (30:17):
We're gonna see what happens.
Eric Bomyea (30:18):
Do I like it? Do I not like it? Right? And like and
like, I'm just like being awareof that. And sometimes I think
too, like, in gay culturespecifically, I think I've
gotten the messaging of, like, Ishould, like, enjoy something.
I should enjoy going to a sexparty. I should enjoy going to
(30:42):
the club and cruising. I shouldlike, to be a a good gay man,
like, this is what I should do.I should be in an open
relationship. I should do allthese things.
And, like like, that's not me.Mhmm. Right? Like and I've
struggled with it for years.
Timothy Bish (31:00):
Well, there's because there's also silent
shoulds.
Eric Bomyea (31:02):
Mhmm.
Timothy Bish (31:02):
Right? That I'm making this up now, but this
idea I feel like I felt thispressure of, well, I look around
me and this is what everyoneelse is doing. So someone
doesn't need to walk up to menecessarily and say, oh, you
should want to come to the clubwith me Mhmm. And, like, do the
drugs and dance all night or orwhatever the whatever the agenda
is, for me to get the messagingthat, like, oh, there is the
(31:25):
silent should that, you know, wehave to kind of hold and
metabolize.
Eric Bomyea (31:30):
Yeah. I I love that. It's like the silent
should of expecting Is
Timothy Bish (31:36):
it the is it the
Eric Bomyea (31:38):
Should? Yes.
Timothy Bish (31:40):
I'm sorry. I just cut you off, please.
Eric Bomyea (31:43):
That, like, it it's it's these, like, societal
expectations that you don't needsomebody to specifically call it
out. But you feel the you canfeel the pressure. I mean, this
is peer pressure. This is grouppressure. And, like, that
doesn't have to come with a,like, you've gotta, like, jump
off this bridge with me.
It can really come from just,like, seeing other people in
(32:05):
this type of behavior. And ifyou're anything like me who's,
like, I'm trying to figuremyself out anyway. Like, I have
to look at other people. And if,like, the other people that are
like me or I think are like meare doing this specific thing,
then I but I don't think that Ishould be doing that. I start to
go inward real quick and I startto, like, self criticize myself
(32:25):
where I'm like, oh, like, I'mnot doing that.
Like, am I broken?
Timothy Bish (32:31):
What's wrong with me?
Eric Bomyea (32:32):
What's wrong with me? Yeah.
Timothy Bish (32:33):
Yeah. Yeah.
Eric Bomyea (32:33):
Right? Like, I don't have that desire to have
sex at a bar. Right? I don'thave a desire to have public
sex. I don't even know that I'vehad an impulse to do that.
I've had these pressures thatI've experienced not something
that somebody has put on me thatI know of and they're aware of.
I also blacked out at a lot ofbars. I don't know. But, like, I
(32:56):
can from what I can remember,like, I don't think that it was,
like, explicitly put on me, butI had a lot of, like, internal
dialogue
Timothy Bish (33:03):
Mhmm.
Eric Bomyea (33:03):
Of being, like, oh, I'm going out tonight. Like, I
should go to that club and Ishould
Timothy Bish (33:10):
Well, I mean, I think a lot of people are having
these shoulds because I've heardpeople talk about their night
the next day, sometime duringthe next day. And they it is
sort of judged based on likewhat they were able to
accomplish based on a should.Mhmm. Because the, the ideas or
at least in the town we live orin the experience I've been
(33:32):
having recently, oh, you shouldgo out, you should have a super
fun time, you should probablyget a lot of attention, and you
should, like, have sex. Mhmm.
And so I've watched people,like, be like, well, how was
your night? And I'm like, andthen and it was, only because
you're like, oh, you didn't endup having sex for any number of
(33:54):
reasons. That should was sopowerful. It was able to change
the rest of your night eventhough you might have had a
great time dancing. Right?
Or or whatever the thing was youwere, you know, doing. So I I
think there's a real power inthat, and I and, like, I think a
lot of us feel that pressure.
Eric Bomyea (34:11):
Yeah. Like, why am I going out? Right? Like and I
don't think there's the this is,again, this is I think we've
talked about this a coupletimes. This is not like bar
shaming or anything like that.
Like, it's just the invitationof, like, can you move it from I
should go out, I should try togo, like, you know, hook up with
(34:32):
somebody to, like, that'sactually what I want. That's
truly what you want and that'swhat you're desiring and that's
how you want to accomplish it.Go for it. Mhmm. Like, live your
truth.
Fulfill your authenticity. Yeah.That's just not my truth right
now. Not saying that it won'tbe, like, anytime. Like, I'm not
(34:53):
like, it's not a hard no andthere's not a judgment behind
it.
It really is. It's coming from aplace of self compassion for
myself because of how muchemotional strife I've gone
through, putting thatexpectation on myself and
thinking that I'm a bad gay.Mhmm. Right? Like, I'm a bad gay
because I don't want to do that.
That's not a desire of mine.
Timothy Bish (35:14):
Mhmm. Yeah. I think the the idea that people
would do it if they really choseto do it. I think there there
could be an entire episode aboutlike how do we understand what
it is we genuinely want and howdo we pursue that want. I mean,
(35:35):
so much of the coaching trainingthat I've done and some of this
work is really understandinglike, well, what do you want?
What a simple question. What doyou want? But the answer isn't
simple. So I mean, obviouslyyou're listening or you're
watching and you can say like,oh, I want money. I want good
health.
I want great sex. I want, youknow, blah blah blah. I'm like,
(35:56):
yeah, but but if we if you keepgoing, you keep going like,
well, what do you really want?What do you really want? So, I
agree with you.
If what you really want is thatexperience, then you should
absolutely have it. But I dothink that and one of the
reasons we're doing this podcastis because I think our world and
our community, we need to bereminded of the value of that
(36:21):
process, the process of tryingto uncover, well, what is it I
want and why do I want it? Whatdo I want and why do I want it?
And if I'm clear about thosethings and then I still want it,
Eric Bomyea (36:35):
go. Go
Timothy Bish (36:36):
for it. But it's, you know, it's been part of my
fitness journey. A lot of peoplewant a beautiful body and that
can mean so many differentthings, right? But whatever your
conception of a beautiful bodyis for you, you might want it.
Why?
Mhmm. Do you want it because youwant other people to find you
desirable? Because you want tolook good in clothes, because,
(37:00):
you know, there can be anynumber of reasons, but, like,
get clear about the why. And forme and it can be a combo why.
Like, of course, I want peopleto think I'm sexy.
I want people to desire me. ButI mainly want to feel strong and
to be able to move in ways thatare important to me. You know,
(37:20):
when we do our affirmations, Ithink if I were to go back
there's just a few things I'vedone every time on my
affirmations list and one ofthem is like my yoga practice
and like specifically my yogaasana practice. I get so much,
value out of it. So I want mybody to be strong because I
wanna be able to engage in thispractice that helps me so much.
(37:43):
Right? To me, that feels like apowerful why. If if my why was,
I wanna do this so that somestranger I haven't met yet might
wanna have sex with me, It'sjust a very different why. And I
think there's I think there'spower in understanding, the
differences in our whys and theones that can actually motivate
us.
Eric Bomyea (38:02):
Absolutely. And, like, if, regardless of the why,
right, like, just choose own it.Like, we talked about authentic
power a couple of episodes ago.Right? Like, just own it.
Own your authentic power. Andthat's like, it's super hot.
It's confidence boosting. Right?Like like, it doesn't matter
(38:27):
what anyone else thinks.
Yeah. Totally. As long as it'swithin like, you know, like I
have
Timothy Bish (38:32):
a training client right now who came to me. I want
a bigger butt. Great. Andthere's there's no like, I want
a bigger butt because I thinkpeople are gonna like me with a
bigger butt and I'm gonna feelbetter and sexier with a bigger
butt. Great.
So we do a lot of butt stuff.
Eric Bomyea (38:48):
Mhmm.
Timothy Bish (38:48):
Like, you know, lots of hip extension and
gluteal activation. I see thatlook in your face. We do a lot
of appropriate biomechanicmovements to activate the
posterior chain. Talk fitness tome.
Eric Bomyea (39:00):
Yeah. Yeah. And, fitness to me. Yeah. Yeah.
Timothy Bish (39:03):
And,
Eric Bomyea (39:04):
Talking at it.
Timothy Bish (39:04):
But, like, but there's something really great
about this is a very confidentperson who's, like, very clear
about their why. They're, like,what do they want and why do
they want it? And there's someas you just said, like, a real
confidence in that. Great. Cool.
Eric Bomyea (39:17):
I can get on board. Let's go.
Timothy Bish (39:18):
Let's fucking do it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Let's go.
It's when it's like, oh, I'mlike, not so clear that you're
like, oh, it becomes a littlebit less trustable, or a little
bit harder to understand. Yeah.
Eric Bomyea (39:31):
Yeah. RuPaul had a show very briefly. I think it
was called Good Work, where itwas about, folks
Timothy Bish (39:41):
Work with a queue or an r ERK?
Eric Bomyea (39:43):
I think it was so the the premise of the show was
that it was people that reallywanted plastic surgery. Oh. Or
some sort of, like, cosmeticprocedure done. Yeah. And so,
you know, RuPaul has the famousthings like, if you can't love
yourself, how the hell are yougonna love somebody else?
And so, like, for this specificshow, he said, like, if you
can't love yourself, maybe goget some good work. Right? And
(40:05):
it was like but it was theconscious choice. And, like,
during the conversations he washaving with people, it was like,
truly, is this what you want?Right?
Because we see examples of,like, extreme plastic surgery.
And some people, right, like,truly, that's how they want to
look. That is a desire. And it'slike, it's just kind of like
(40:25):
starting to remove the shamebecause, like, we start to,
like, put on this, like, thisjudgment. Like, when I see
somebody, I'm like, oh, like,you should just love yourself
more.
Like, why do you have to get allthis work done? Right? Somebody
might just want it. They've gonethrough the exercise. They've
gone through the practice andthey're like, this is how I want
to look.
Yeah. And they do it and they gofor it. And I'm like, you know
(40:45):
what? I'm gonna celebrate younow. Right?
Because there's so muchconfidence and and beauty in
that that, like, you're notyou're not acting from a place
of impulse. You're acting from aplace of, like, true desire.
And, like, you know, anyonethat's done that work, anyone
that has done that processing, Iapplaud you.
Timothy Bish (41:04):
Yeah. I think I think if it's a conscious
choice, do it. I'm thinking nowas you're telling that story
about what I would do. And, youknow, I've had a lot of
surgeries, so I'm reluctant todo, you know, non mandatory or,
you know, elective procedures.But if I had a magic wand, I'd
be like, oh, like, I would Iwould definitely see, like,
(41:27):
well, what what would it looklike if my chest were bigger or
my shoulders were bigger or myarms are bigger?
For the listeners and viewers,like, if you if you wanna get
anywhere with me, just acompliment. Tell me that I have
big chest, shoulders, or arms.Yeah. I'm like
Eric Bomyea (41:41):
Rolls on his back like a puppy.
Timothy Bish (41:42):
Yeah. I will I will clean your bathroom if you
tell me that I don't know why Ivalue it so much. But, it just
makes me feel really good. Butso I I think, like, yeah, I
probably would like I would doit if I didn't have that like,
oh, like I, you know, nounnecessary surgery for me, but,
yeah, I wonder how far I wouldgo. And I think as I'm thinking
(42:04):
about it now, the metric wouldbe about, like, how it made me
feel and what I was choosing.
Correct. As long as I was doingit for me to be like, oh, like,
I feel good with this size pec,shoulder, or arm. Yeah. Well
then, get it.
Eric Bomyea (42:21):
Right. And again, the the the thought process here
is, like, going through,assessing, right, and starting
to pick apart. Okay. Like, whyam I telling myself that I have
to have a bigger chest? Right?
Is it, somebody has told methat, you know, I have a a
really weak and small chest. Andso, like, I I'm telling myself
(42:42):
now that I need this biggerchest. K. Like, I'm sitting with
that. Right now, I'm gonna pullthat apart.
I'm gonna say, like, okay. Like,you know, I can work with that.
I can work with that that thatdrum that trauma or that
bullying that happened at somepoint. Okay. Like, that's I've
worked through that, but I stillhave a desire.
Right? Like, I'm and I'm doingthe work. I'm putting through
the the the the reps of, like,really sitting with this. Mhmm.
(43:05):
And, like, then acting.
Because I also, like, you know,just being mindful that I'm,
like, not saying, like, wantingto advocate for, like, go do
whatever you want. Right? Like,it's still, like, the the
invitation of, like
Timothy Bish (43:17):
Mindful conscious choices. Yeah. Yeah. Well, so
let's bring it back to men'swork then. So, one of the
benefits of men's work, whetherwe're doing embodiment, like
movement, posture, breath,visualization, sound, attention,
inquiry, questions, journaling,any of these things.
It's to help us get, a widerview of ourselves and start to
(43:41):
really look at, how we areengaging and then start to shine
the light on like, well why didI do that? Did I want to do
that? You know, my my yogateachers talk about this idea of
like, getting to the root cause.So they said like the practices
of yoga are like radical. Youget to the root.
So you don't just put a band aidon a cut. You ask yourself,
(44:02):
well, what was I doing to when Icut myself? Like, you know, what
was happening in that momentwhen I got cut? And like, was it
I got distracted like a, youknow, a bell rang or I wasn't
paying attention or evenwhatever, you know, whatever the
thing was. And so that that wasthe example of like so getting
to the root.
So the practices of men's workallow us to start to recognize
(44:26):
these sort of root causes, theseroot habits, patterns in our
lives. And then the more we canrecognize them, the more we can
start to decide, is that servingme? Am I so and this is where
we're like so once I recognize,oh, there's this behavior that
exists in me or in my life or inmy in my habits, have I chosen
(44:48):
it? Was it chosen for me? Was itwas it shoulded on me?
Was it have toed on me or musttoed on me? Because, you know,
and, and what do I want to donow? And what do I want to do
now and why do I want to dothat? Right? I know that can
sound like a lot of work, butthe alternative is continue sort
(45:10):
of unconsciously doing whatyou're doing and then just sort
of like bumping into all theobstacles as they inevitably.
Eric Bomyea (45:17):
Right. And succumbing to all the impulses,
all the reactions. Right? Like,just, like, becoming that
walking reaction. One of myfavorite things that you say
during practice.
I mean, I love all the thingsthat you say.
Timothy Bish (45:27):
Thank you. So you were learning. Yeah.
Eric Bomyea (45:30):
Yeah. Especially after you've done a pump and
you've got this massive chestjust
Timothy Bish (45:33):
Oh, yeah. I'm in the front of the room with,
like, giant shoulders and arms.Yeah. Thank you. This is a great
podcast episode.
Sorry. Continue.
Eric Bomyea (45:45):
Is sometimes when we're, like, really deep into
practice, like, the, prompt of,like, who gave this to you?
Right? Like, something that mayhave just bubbled up. Right? Or
something that you're tellingyourself.
Like, who gave that to you?Right? And just kind of like
letting it, like, sit and thenand then having that conscious
(46:07):
sense of like, do I wannacontinue to carry this? Right?
If I've been carrying aroundthis shame, this burden that
either society or my family orsomebody, like, gave to me as I
was I was growing up, like, Igot the choice now.
Do I wanna keep carrying it withme or do I wanna drop it? Do I
wanna keep running from it or doI want to, like, pause, turn
(46:29):
around, look at it and say, nomore. You've served your
purpose. I'm drawing a line inthe sand. Mhmm.
I'm putting you right there. Andnow I'm moving forward.
Timothy Bish (46:37):
Yeah. I just had an experience that brought
something up for me. Part of ithappened today, actually, where
I looked back on my family, andI I I was given this message,
the sort of, like, play, like,play it safe versus taking
risks. Right? And, I was in amoment today where I was taking
(47:03):
a risk and I could feel itbubbling up, this like, oh, I
like this impulse of I shouldplay it safe because that's like
this old message that Ireceived.
And I realized I'm like, oh,this feels like my mom talking
to me. And like not beating upon my mom. I love my mom and my
(47:23):
mom was doing the best she couldand she wanted to protect me.
And if I were, you know, aparent, I would probably want
and go to great lengths to keepmy child safe. Right?
But then I now I'm like, okay,but what do I choose? And so
many times in my life, I've hadto choose taking a risk, and
it's scary and there's noguarantee. But it helps when
(47:48):
you're like, oh, but this deepimpulse to play it safe, it
isn't it isn't entirely mine.It's it was handed to me, and
what am I gonna do now? What doI choose to do now?
And that choice can still bereally scary. And believe me,
the example I'm talking abouttoday, it was. It was. It didn't
(48:09):
that awareness didn't make thechoice less scary. It just
allowed me to say, like, when Iwhen I'm on my deathbed, doing a
look back and think I was aperson willing to take risks and
put stakes in the ground andswing big in moments, you know,
or that I always played safebecause I was ultimately afraid.
(48:32):
I mean, playing it safe is notalways bad. You should wear bike
helmets and seat belts and
Eric Bomyea (48:40):
I am a big advocate of bike helmets.
Timothy Bish (48:42):
Yeah. There's like there's so many things that are
like I'm not saying don't playit safe, but I'm saying when we
think about, like, choices,sometimes, oh, I'm gonna I'm
gonna bet on myself. I'm gonnamove to New York and try to be a
professional dancer when almosteveryone in my life was telling
me that I shouldn't. And I'mglad I didn't.
Eric Bomyea (49:01):
Absolutely.
Timothy Bish (49:02):
Yeah. So consciousness around that.
Eric Bomyea (49:05):
Yeah. No. Thank you for sharing. I think, like, just
opening up to the possibility ofwhat could be by simply asking
and taking the pause, to, like,ask yourself, am I playing it
safe right now? And like yousaid, sometimes safety is the
way to go.
(49:27):
Other times, it's like, yeah, Ihave an opportunity right now to
swing big. So let's go. Right?And that's that's really
exciting, you know, and can bethrilling. And that's really
where, like, we're we're at theedge.
We're at discomfort, but, like,you know, life begins at our
edge sometimes.
Timothy Bish (49:43):
Mhmm.
Eric Bomyea (49:44):
So Yeah. Just wanna take a quick tangent on bike
helmets and then wrap up. So youwere I
Timothy Bish (49:51):
don't know. I don't feel comfortable because
you know I don't wear one at
Eric Bomyea (49:54):
the time. Yeah. Well, so I this is about me.
Timothy Bish (49:57):
I mean, this is not a preachy moment. I should
wear
Eric Bomyea (50:00):
a bike helmet. Don't judge me. This is a
Timothy Bish (50:03):
me thing. You
Eric Bomyea (50:04):
have a bike helmet. I have a bike helmet. I love my
bike helmet.
Timothy Bish (50:08):
Right. Bike helmet.
Eric Bomyea (50:08):
Bike helmet. It is, it has a rainbow glittery
rainbow on it and I love it somuch. I have gotten so much,
like like, I've been made fun offor it. I keep doing like nice
bike helmet. And I'm like, youknow what?
I have done a lot of like likeinternal scanning, external
(50:29):
scanning of myself. The sexiestthing on me is my brain. And I'm
gonna protect it. And so, now Imake conscious choices to
protect it. And like, I couldsuccumb to this this silent
shoulding that if like everyoneelse is not wearing a helmet.
Oh, am I weird because I amwearing a helmet? No. I know my
(50:53):
truth. I know my decision and Iknow, like, the the confidence.
And so, like, now I wear my mybike helmet with pride.
I love it. So, you know, now I'mjust thinking like, if I can do
that with a bike helmet, like,why can't I do that with other
things in my life? If I'mgetting these silent shoulds,
elsewhere. Right? Like, I justYeah.
Timothy Bish (51:13):
Like, wear what you want. Do what you want.
Yeah. Well, this is this was thethe the basis for my Halloween
costume. Mhmm.
Yeah. Because this the silentshould was you should be sexy.
Mhmm. You should be really sexyand, taking efforts to make sure
people notice.
Eric Bomyea (51:33):
For for our listeners.
Timothy Bish (51:35):
Go ahead. Mhmm. I'm really proud of it. I love
it. Had a
Eric Bomyea (51:38):
great Halloween costume. Thank you. It was, the
Swadhisthana chakra.
Timothy Bish (51:45):
Swadhisthana chakra. That's right. That's the
the orange one at the sacralcenter.
Eric Bomyea (51:49):
Mhmm. The place that's responsible for our
emotions and our sensuality,creativity.
Timothy Bish (51:55):
Sexuality and creativity. Yep. Yep. Yep.
Eric Bomyea (51:57):
And so it was, in essence, like, the sexy costume.
Timothy Bish (52:00):
Boom. I was going I was I was going for sexy. Not
only was I going for sexy, I Iknow I nailed it. Mhmm. But go
ahead.
Continue. Tell tell them inwhich way I nailed it.
Eric Bomyea (52:10):
So it was one of those big blow up, costumes,
swirling orange ball of energy.And he was. He just like, you
know, like, would like activatewith the the Bija mantra of VOM.
So plug him in and VOM. He wouldactivate and then just become
(52:32):
this swirling orange ball ofenergy and like
Timothy Bish (52:35):
But you're making it sound really poetic for for
people listening. I looked likeI was in one of those, like,
blow up costumes. I looked likethe Stay Puft Marshmallow Man,
but all orange. Mhmm. Just likejust like a big puffy person.
Mhmm. I was a puff person. Yeah.Yeah. I had a really fun time.
Eric Bomyea (52:52):
You were really fun to to witness.
Timothy Bish (52:54):
Thank you. Thank you. I was dancing around and
people liked it. If you arewatching, you can go to my
personal Instagram and see avideo of me dancing. You won't
regret it.
But it was it was another takeon how to be sexy. I'm I feel
really proud of it. You're Butit was a reaction to the should,
which was the should was Ishould be in tight fitting
(53:14):
clothes or shirtless or
Eric Bomyea (53:18):
I should put a harness on and some devil horns.
I'm a devil Right?
Timothy Bish (53:24):
I'm a devil. Yeah. Next next year, I'm going as a
mouse.
Eric Bomyea (53:27):
Mhmm. Just a Duh.
Timothy Bish (53:32):
Okay. So so choosing versus shoulds, I think
the takeaway here is juststarting to ask the question.
Like, how often am I doingsomething because I choose to
versus because I feel some formof obligation to. And I think
(53:56):
some of those moments are I feelobligated but I can inject
consciousness into it and startto make it a choice. And I think
other moments it might be I getto I'm gonna start to cut this
out or begin the process ofcutting this out so that I so
that it does it's not present inmy life anymore.
Eric Bomyea (54:16):
Right. If, I think it men's works examples, it's
the kind of like the the fuckyeses and the fuck noes. Right?
Like, your list of, like, whatare the, like and then there's
the the the maybes. Right?
And if the maybes can getelevated to a fuck yes, like,
okay. Cool. If they but if theydrop down to a fuck no, like,
drop them. Right? So just, like,kind of that that life audit.
Yeah. Boom. So with that, thankyou so much for your leadership
(54:41):
and mentorship that allowed meto to get to the place of being
able to facilitate a circle likethis this week. Felt it was an
impactful one, and I lovedhearing you talk about your
experience.
Timothy Bish (54:52):
You did an incredible job in the circle,
and now, effective January,every second week Mhmm. Is
belongs to you, the sharingcircle and the embodiment
circle.
Eric Bomyea (55:03):
Belongs to all of us.
Timothy Bish (55:04):
Well, of course. And it, it is just the the
growth of this community thatwe're building here. And, I'm
very excited to be sharing thiswith you and collaborating with
you and, seeing the impact it'shaving on the community, the men
the, the new men that it'sbrought in. And hopefully, one
(55:25):
of those men is gonna come downthis road too, and soon we'll
have three facilitators and thenfour and then five and then
before you know it. Yeah.
Bit by bit.
Eric Bomyea (55:37):
Bit by bit. Yeah. Sometimes big bites. Sometimes
little bites.
Timothy Bish (55:42):
Alright. Do you feel complete?
Eric Bomyea (55:44):
I feel very complete. Would you take us out,
please?
Timothy Bish (55:46):
I will do. So let's all take a deep inhale and
a gentle exhale. And, let's takea moment of appreciation and
gratitude for this opportunityto look inward, to reflect, to
share, to feel, to examine, andhopefully step away with insight
(56:08):
and awareness about how we wantto be, who we want to be, where
we want to be. And with thesewords now, our container is open
but not broken.
Eric Bomyea (56:19):
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Timothy Bish (56:22):
Thank you so much for joining us here in the
circle. If you'd like to stayconnected to us between
episodes, please follow us onInstagram at queer men's
embodiment. Like, subscribe,rate, and review wherever you
find podcasts. And as we leavenow, I wish you brotherhood,
connection, authenticity,vulnerability, safety, and love.
(56:43):
And with these words, ourcontainer is open but not
broken.
Uho.
Welcome back to the circle. This week, we're
exploring how men can shift fromliving in shoulds and have tos
to connecting with what theytruly want and their desires.
We'll reflect on the energybehind our actions, how to
reframe obligation intoconscious choice, and take it
deeper by talking about sittingwith discomfort, noticing
impulses, and deciding from aplace of intention. Tim, are you
(00:27):
ready to go all in?
Timothy Bish (00:28):
I am.
Eric Bomyea (00:29):
Great. So men's work isn't just about thinking
differently. It's about noticinghow patterns show up in our
bodies and our daily lives.Whether it's the urge to fidget,
the voice telling us what weshould or shouldn't do, or the
discomfort of just sittingstill. These practices invite us
to pause, reconnect withourselves, and choose from a
place of presence and freedom.
(00:50):
So this week, as you know, Ifacilitated the men's sharing
circle and the men's embodimentcircle where I played with these
themes and explored them, withthe participants. And for our
audience, Tim got to actuallyparticipate this week. So, Tim,
I wanna check-in with you. Whatwas your experience like during
these circles?
Timothy Bish (01:06):
Well, it felt to me when you were, leading the
circles that you were reallytalking about the difference
between an I should do or I mustdo or I have to versus an I
choose to. And so one of thethings I noticed was just
contemplating that. And, youknow, there was an exercise you
(01:29):
gave us where we added thebecause, right? So I should do
this be you know, is becausemaybe someone told me I should
or there's this culturalexpectation that I should. You
know, a lot of what men's workis, like, I should do this
because this is what men do.
And then if you think, well, amI choosing to do that and what
(01:53):
is my because? Because it wasthat part that really impacted
me. Oh, because I want to behappier. I want to be more
connected. I want to be moreauthentically myself.
When you connect with thereason, the because, the why to
(02:16):
what you are choosing to do, itbecomes, in my opinion, more
powerful. So that was one of thethe takeaways for me was, oh, if
I'm choosing to do something,it's easier to choose that when
I have a powerful why, apowerful because. Yeah. So even
our morning practice that we'vebeen doing morning pages and I
(02:37):
added a different component toit this morning, I I got clear
about my because because ofthese circles in this practice.
So, Oh, this is why I'm doingit.
So now it makes me want to do ita little bit more even though
there will still be moments whenI would rather just sit and have
coffee and like the becausefueled me into into action that
(03:01):
I am grateful I took.
Eric Bomyea (03:03):
Yeah. When I first did this practice before I
brought it into, circle was Iwas really struggling with,
these, like, overwhelmingfeelings of obligation and duty.
Like the the feeling of of beingcommitted to something, the the
feeling of being obligated tosomething or someone was really
starting to chip away at like myautonomy and my freedom. And I
(03:26):
started to feel like I didn'thave choices anymore. And so it
really like you know I I didthis practice about a year ago
and like at that point I wasjust feeling in a really like
like prickly place where I waslike I had all these things that
I was like telling myself that Ihad to do that I should do that
I felt obligated to do.
And I was really, like throughthis practice, really starting
(03:46):
to help myself reframe anddiscover and explore what's the
underlying motivation for whyI'm doing something. And if I
wasn't able to, really find whatmy because was, I cut it out of
my life. Or I tried to anyway.Because if my true motivation
was like money or or somethinglike that, then, like, I can
(04:10):
find other ways to do money orto find money in this world. It
doesn't have to be somethingthat I feel super obligated to.
Yeah. If I if I can findsomething that I can reframe
with a I choose to because itbrings me happiness and also
money, right? That's a win. Butif I'm feeling that it's like,
oh, this is just an obligation,like that to me is a red flag.
Timothy Bish (04:30):
Well, this is why I feel like that idea of, does
it spark joy Mhmm.
Eric Bomyea (04:34):
I'm
Timothy Bish (04:34):
realizing now is actually a really powerful
question. Mhmm. Because that'sbecause or why enough. Oh, this
makes me really happy. Okay.
That's enough. We we have we areguaranteed one life, so things
that make you happy are reasonenough to include them. So it's
(04:56):
a powerful question. But butalso in the in the doing of
these two circles, another thingthat I came to understand or had
reminded that that I thought wasreally powerful was the nature
of our cultural conditionedshoulds.
Eric Bomyea (05:12):
Mhmm.
Timothy Bish (05:13):
So as I listened to the men sharing, I heard a
lot of like, well, I should besuccessful, do more work, you
know, be really efficient, besuper organized, be very
proficient. Like, the theshoulds that were so common were
also very shared, right? And Ithink I even mentioned in one of
(05:33):
my reflections in the circle, Iwasn't hearing any I should take
a break. I should, you know,focus on my self care. I should
we had when we think aboutshoulds, just like anything,
nothing's all good or all bad,right?
But it's kind of spoken about inthis time as all bad, I think
(05:56):
partially because we focus onthose things, right? Like, I
should allow myself some time torecuperate, to rest, to be
quiet, to be still, you know.But we don't those aren't the
shoulds we're talking about. Theshoulds are work harder, do
more, be better, look better,you know, excel, you know,
(06:19):
achieve. And and and that Irealized was prevalent among all
these men.
I think men are burdened by avery specific kind of should,
which I think men's work istrying to address.
Eric Bomyea (06:32):
Yeah. I mean, the the practice came from Marshall
Rosenberg's nonviolentcommunication and in that he
talks about the that should isone of the most violent words
that we can use againstourselves and others because it
can remove choice. It can removeautonomy. And humans are not
meant to be slaves. Right?
So, like, that's that's what hesays in in the book. And so I
(06:54):
think that when we do hear theseshoulds it's that we like we
think that there's no otherchoice. We don't think that
there's another option. And evenwhen you're saying like I should
model a, healthy relationshipwith rest for myself and for
others, my my immediate like,subconscious like, if I were to
finish that sentence is but. Ishould rest more but.
(07:17):
Right? There's automatically inmy brain, in my programming
Mhmm. Something that's tellingme, like, already that there's
there's a right and a wronghere.
Timothy Bish (07:26):
Mhmm.
Eric Bomyea (07:26):
Right. Right. And that I don't have a choice. I
have I have, like, okay, like, Ishould rest, but I have these
other things that I should bedoing.
Timothy Bish (07:33):
Sure. I I hear that. I hear that. And I I
suspect a lot of people canrelate to that and have that
experience. There's a part of methat also feels like language
is, meant and has a purpose.
So, I don't think a concept likeshould is, like, entirely bad.
Mhmm. And I think it's aseverything is and what what we
(07:57):
talk about, if we bringconsciousness to it, if I'm if I
am consciously shoulding orlooking for or asking for
shoulds in a conscious way. Oh,I go to a mentor. I have these
three options in front of me,teacher, that I know well and
trust.
(08:18):
Which should I do, you know, inyour opinion? I do not think
that is, you know, I understandlinguistically why I'm like, I
don't have to try to eliminatethat word from my vocabulary. I
have to try to eliminate theconsciousness of, mindless
obligation
Eric Bomyea (08:35):
Yes.
Timothy Bish (08:35):
And, and bring in, a lot of choice and awareness.
So, I still want to use the wordshould if I choose to.
Eric Bomyea (08:47):
Absolutely. Right. It's the impact of language on
our self awareness. Like, thatlanguage helps us to give Right.
Meaning to our experience.
Right? And it's like, it I thinkthat's the beautiful part of it.
It's like, again, it's it itthere isn't a moralistic
judgment here with this word.Like, use it, but can you use it
consciously?
Timothy Bish (09:07):
Do you think that I should reconsider my choice to
use the word should? That's aI'm just joking.
Eric Bomyea (09:14):
I think I I think that you are welcome to explore
that.
Timothy Bish (09:19):
Oh, okay. Right? I choose to. Yeah. I I I'm
choosing to explore.
Eric Bomyea (09:24):
Right. And it's a pretty powerful practice.
Anything that can I thinkanything that can give us a
moment of pause to think alittle bit? It's so funny. My
therapist last week wasliterally because I I just got
laid off from my job y'all.
So, like, my my defaultprogramming is to, like, go
right into what's next. Like, gointo immediate problem solving.
Like, I have to find out what'snext for me because of
(09:49):
programming. What should I donext? Yeah.
Right? And the prompt was like,can you just pause? Can you sit?
Like, when an impulse comes up.And this was a lot of the
inspiration for the circles.
Was like, when an impulse comesup, can I sit with it for just a
couple minutes? And really thinkon it. Yeah. You know, and just
(10:12):
like listen. Listen to what mythoughts are telling me, what my
body is telling me, what theuniverse is telling me, what,
like, what anyone is telling me.
Can I just pause and listen fora few minutes? And so, I think
that's the the power of apractice like this is it's like
it's not it's not arecommendation to completely
eliminate have to must shouldduty, obligation. I think that's
(10:35):
just noticing.
Timothy Bish (10:36):
Well, we talked about the the Kabbalistic,
teaching of restriction. I'mpretty certain I
Eric Bomyea (10:42):
think so, but remind us.
Timothy Bish (10:43):
It's that well, it's the same idea. Well,
injecting conscious pause beforefalling into, habit or grasping
at something because you
Eric Bomyea (10:55):
Or like somebody offers you something.
Timothy Bish (10:56):
Yeah. Yeah. And you have the and they they use
the image of the light bulb, Ithink, you know, in the
filament. The filament keepingthose two poles separated is why
the light bulb burns. Mhmm.
The two poles come together, itgets super bright but then it
burns out. Right? That thatrestriction is like the thing
that is necessary for it tocontinue. Right? So it's all
about, and by the way, I'm notan expert in Kabbalah, but, my
(11:20):
understanding of it is that it'sabout bringing that conscious
pause.
And I really can't think of toomany examples from my own life
when I have brought a consciouspause and then regretted it.
Because that conscious pause canbe five seconds, ten seconds if
(11:42):
it needs to. But, oh, before Ifall into I want to yell at you
or I want to withdraw from youor I want to make like a wild
choice or a big impactfulchoice, I decide to pause. I
can't I can't think of oneexample of when I've been like,
oh, I wish I hadn't paused. Iwish I'd been really impulsive.
Eric Bomyea (12:04):
Right. Right. Exactly. But I can I can I can I
can come up with at least adozen times that I regretted an
impulse? Right?
Like, so often that I'm like,why? Why did I act? Why did I
speak? Why did I do? Like, thatthing.
Timothy Bish (12:19):
Well, this is Yeah. The teaching of Kabbalah,
which is like, short termpleasure, long term discomfort,
short term discomfort, whichwould be that pause, because
especially when it's a goodthing. To be like, oh, I really
want that thing, and you stillbring the pause, long term
fulfillment. And yeah, it's likethe impulse is so easily
(12:39):
regrettable because it's fastand more than fast, it's
unconscious. The pause means Ihad enough awareness to know I
needed to stop and think aboutthis even for a second.
So think about all the choicesin our lives we made without
thinking and then you're like,oh, so if I thought about it
even for a second, that's betterthan none at all.
Eric Bomyea (13:01):
Absolutely. I mean, on the topic of discomfort
moving into embodiment circle
Timothy Bish (13:05):
Yeah.
Eric Bomyea (13:06):
Like, I brought in a very long seated practice
That's right. With the specificintention of being like, hey,
y'all, You're about to getuncomfortable. You're about to
actually sit in discomfort. Andso, like, during that practice,
like, you know, I was sittingtoo, so I was starting to get
uncomfortable. And the theprompt was like, it's okay to to
(13:28):
notice discomfort, but can youcatch yourself before the
impulse to react to thatdiscomfort takes over?
Right? So the simple example is,like, oh, my nose itches. Not
even thinking about it
Timothy Bish (13:41):
For our listeners, he quickly swatted his nose.
Eric Bomyea (13:46):
And they might have just heard it on
Timothy Bish (13:47):
the mic. Yeah. Yeah.
Eric Bomyea (13:49):
Or like, oh, my, knee is starting to, you know,
get a little, you know,uncomfortable. I'm starting to
get a little sensitive. Like,it's okay. I'm not telling or I
wasn't instructing anyone, like,don't move. Like, sit there in
your discomfort.
Right? Like, I can be a sadist,but, like, I'm not bringing in
my sadism into the circle.Right? Like, that's just not
(14:09):
what I'm doing. Right?
Timothy Bish (14:10):
Different different episode. Different
episode.
Eric Bomyea (14:12):
Yeah. But, like, I
Timothy Bish (14:14):
Which is coming, I think.
Eric Bomyea (14:16):
But I gave I gave full permission and, like,
instruction of, like, I want youto move. I want you to tend to
yourself if you can consciouslychoose to do it. Right? Like,
just like, all the only ask thatI had was, like, can you bring a
little bit of attention andawareness to that?
Timothy Bish (14:33):
So not specific to your practice, but, piggybacking
on that because it's so frequentin so many of my teachers'
practices, this idea of likeslow, mindful transitions.
Because I think part of itisn't, do I want to move? Am I
uncomfortable? I think that'ssort of the easy part, to be
like, Oh, I'm eitheruncomfortable or I'm not and I
(14:54):
want to move or I don't. Butthen when you get to the point
when you're like, Well, I'm onthe precipice of like I need to
move because I'm souncomfortable.
In that moment, what I haveobserved happened so frequently
is like, oh, that's the momentwhen we can fall so quickly into
our old habits, which is like, Ijust want to make this feel
better and now I'm going to likecompletely fall out of my
(15:18):
practice, completely lose myconnection to the present moment
and just sort of satisfy thisthing, scratch the itch, do what
I, you know. And so so many ofmy teachers will, speak about
like if you have to move. Ifyou're in meditation and, you
know, you feel a droplet ofsweat or a fly lands on you, and
(15:40):
it's very distracting, you don'thave to suffer through it. But
don't allow yourself to fallinto, like, oh, well, that
reaction should happen. And and,you know, and we live in a world
where we tend to be so fast.
We we tend to run so quickly topleasure or or to the cessation
of pain, that we will kind ofabandon everything else in
(16:04):
pursuit of it. And I think theteachings are saying, well, you
can do that, but, you know, howdo you do it? And so that's why
this idea of, like, movingslowly and mindfully, I don't
think slow isn't necessarily,like better than fast, but I
think slow allows a person who'sbuilding their conscious muscle
to engage their consciousmuscle. So I'm assuming then
(16:27):
there might be enlightenedbeings who are like, I can swat
the fly as quickly as I want.You're like, oh, because you've
you've been doing this for along time.
But if you're a beginner, moveslowly so you can be as mindful
about it as possible.
Eric Bomyea (16:38):
Right. I think about that with with any
physical practice that I do. Mymy impulse is to, like, do the
movement, like, fast and big.This is group fitness classes,
why they're a struggle for me.So, like, Helltown Fitness, I
was taking a class with withcoach Tim over here the other
day and, like, I I am
Timothy Bish (16:57):
a co founder of a boutique fitness studio here in
in Provincetown called HelltownFitness, based around
kettlebells.
Eric Bomyea (17:02):
And they're they're really great, really dynamic,
you know
Timothy Bish (17:05):
Excellently programmed, excellently coached.
Eric Bomyea (17:09):
And so but what I find is that they are new
movements to me. Like, I I didnot have kettlebell experience
before these classes and, like,I look around, I see you, I see
other people, I see people,like, really, like, going big
with their movements, going fastwith their movements, and I've
tried that before and it doesn'twork for me because I don't the
body, my body doesn't understandthe those mechanics and so I
(17:32):
have to slow it way down. And sosometimes I have to like, you
know, sacrifice a little bit oflike time. Like if we've got
thirty forty five seconds in anexercise like, I may only be
able to get through a handful ofthem because I really have to
slow my body down and let thatthat the mechanics really sit in
before maybe the next round Ican now get four or five in. So
(17:54):
when you talk about, like, youknow, they're, like, moving
slowly and mindfully.
Right? Like, at first, yeah,that's that's kind of the
invitation. And then over time,once you build up that that that
familiarity, like, yeah, and youit might you might be able to
move a little bit quicker. Butthe challenge always is, like,
can you recognize if you've justgone into habit routine? Right?
(18:14):
Rather than being a little bitmore mindful or conscious of it.
So, like, when you talk about,like, transitioning
transitioning from, like, eithera posture to another. I remember
one circle you led that Ithought was really really
brilliant where we did
Timothy Bish (18:27):
Well, they were all brilliant.
Eric Bomyea (18:28):
Yeah. I mean That's true. Thank you. Thank you.
Where it was it was all aboutlike, linking breath to movement
and and trying to be as smoothbetween poses or postures as
possible and noticing the momentof shift.
So if we were doing, like, adown dog to a plank, right,
(18:50):
like, could we make that asmooth movement and notice the
moment that we, like, shiftedback and kind of that that,
like, microsecond of transitioninto the next one. And instead
of, like, rushing through it,just really, like, taking time
to to notice. And I, like, Istill take that practice with me
almost daily.
Timothy Bish (19:09):
I mean, I think it's one of the primary
teachings I received from theyoga asana practice, this idea
of like mindfully consciouslylinking things together. It's
why Vinyasa is such a profoundmindfulness practice. And I I
think I've said this before butI I will tell people, I'm like,
be the melody, not thecollection of notes that are
(19:32):
adjacent to each other. That tome is, like, what the strict
Vinyasa practice is aiming todo. And and so it it is to get
back onto our topic, like, thisidea, like, it is choosing to
engage in a particular way.
It's choosing to pay attentionin a particular way. And that
(19:55):
that ability is something thatwe can cultivate. It's also
something that we need topractice and build just like
anything else. You want you wantstronger biceps, you go to the
gym and you start liftingprogressively heavier and
heavier weights over a period oftime. Same is true with yoga
asana and consciousnesspractice.
You know, when I first startedyoga asana, let's take Warrior
(20:16):
two for an example, I was maybethinking about like one or two
things, like my my knees stackedover my ankle and my shoulders
stacked over my hips. Right? Butthrough now, decades of
practice, I can think about myknee and my back leg and my
ankles and my pelvis and myshoulders and my pubic bone and
(20:38):
my head and my gaze and mybreath and my intention that
came through this sort ofprogressive, like, practice of
building that. And so, you know,that's really what we're talking
about.
Eric Bomyea (20:51):
Yeah. Understanding the mechanics of the body and,
like, you know, that gradualawareness of of it. Yeah. And to
be able to then see or andexperience the full melody.
Right?
At first, you like, for me,right, and then it sounds like
you, like, you one to two notes,right, at at a time. Right?
Learning one to two notes andthen, like, with the the over
(21:13):
time practicing, you start tohear the melody.
Timothy Bish (21:16):
Well, I think so this is the when we think about,
choosing versus shoulding.Right? We also have to
understand our capacity. Wetalked about this like with our
edges, you know. So, I can'tjust choose to be a master at a
thing, right?
(21:36):
I can choose to engage in aprocess that will take me step
by step towards that thing. So Ithink there's a power in the
awareness of that too. So you'reliving your life, you're
listening to this podcast,you're like, oh, I should a lot
or I must do a lot or I have toa lot, I feel these things in my
life a lot and now I wanna Iwanna shift it to I choose to.
(21:58):
Well, chances are you're notgonna be able to choose to do
everything in your lifeperfectly starting right now. I
wish you could.
I wish I could. I wish there wasa light switch and we could just
flip it and just be likeeverything changes. So when we
talk about like this work andhow we bring it in, well then
maybe we need to start, youknow, reasonably and small. So
(22:21):
maybe I'm going to choose to paymore attention to an aspect of
my life or one part of myengagement. Mhmm.
And I can start to build mymuscle in there. And so, you
know, if you're wondering, Iwould suggest, especially if you
are listening in in achallenging moment, maybe start
(22:43):
with the area of your life thatneeds your the most attention,
right? But practice there andthen in time you're like, Oh,
well now I can choose to payattention to my kids and my
primary relationship and my joband my friendships and my hobby
and my self care, but you mightnot be able to start there.
Eric Bomyea (23:02):
Right. It's, you know, like, I fall into the
tendency where I try to take bigbites. I mean, I think I said
this before. Like, even, like,even, like, physically with
food. Right?
Like, I'm a like, I take bigbites. And so that's that's my
life. That's everything. I'm a,like, an an all in type of
person. I go big.
And what that ends up doing isit can overwhelm me very
(23:23):
quickly. And so part of mypractice is like pausing and
taking it bit by bit.
Timothy Bish (23:30):
I was watching Instagram and there was this
video. It was a funny video ofthis girl who was like, I'm
gonna make sandwiches until Ifind a boyfriend. She made this
gigantic sandwich, but she madeit with a, like, a steak. And I
thought since you're talkingabout big bites, I was like,
that that sandwich looksdelicious if I had, like, a fork
(23:52):
and a knife. I'm like, I don'tknow that I could I don't know
that I could bite through thatsteak.
Mhmm.
Eric Bomyea (23:59):
Do you
Timothy Bish (23:59):
think you could bite through a steak?
Eric Bomyea (24:02):
I definitely would try. Like, if if somebody served
me a sandwich, like, big, fluffybrioche bun Yeah. Plus steak
Timothy Bish (24:12):
Onions and, like plus everything. Sauce.
Eric Bomyea (24:14):
And it was just this giant I would give it my
all.
Timothy Bish (24:17):
Okay. Well, I I respect and appreciate that.
Yeah. I I wonder how successfulyou would be. I wonder how
successful I would be.
I wonder if I would look like apuppy with, like, a leather
slipper in my mouth.
Eric Bomyea (24:28):
I think I would look like Paris Hilton doing the
the the Carl Junior's ad. Youknow Or was it Paris Hilton who
had, like, the giant burger? Shewas, like, on the car.
Timothy Bish (24:37):
I have literally no idea what you're referring
to, but I could tell you thiswhen I describe you, I describe
you as Paris Hilton. Like like,who's Eric? I'm like, oh, you
know, my friend who looks likeParis Hilton.
Eric Bomyea (24:46):
The stars are blind.
Timothy Bish (24:47):
Yeah. He sits on the car car hood with a burger
is what I say. And people arelike, oh. That one. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy how,like, effective that is.
Eric Bomyea (24:56):
Alright. So on that, I do look like
Timothy Bish (24:58):
I just got a ping.
Eric Bomyea (24:58):
Like, these we're starting to talk a little bit
about desires. Right? Like, I'mnow desiring
Timothy Bish (25:02):
A burger?
Eric Bomyea (25:03):
A burger or a big old, like, juicy steak, you
know, sandwich.
Timothy Bish (25:07):
Okay.
Eric Bomyea (25:08):
And so I I do wanna explore a little bit the the
linkage here between, like, youknow, the impulses and bringing
an awareness and then maybe,like, starting to identify the
desires. It's that thatevolution of, like, have to,
should to, must to, like, Ichoose to because. Right? That
because kind of can be that theunderlying desire Mhmm. And
(25:29):
motivation.
And so, you know, I think asqueer as a queer man, right, I
was told a lot of, like, what Ishouldn't do. I shouldn't like
other guys. Right? And I thinkthat what that did was it, like,
it, like, really stifled mydesire for a long time And,
(25:50):
like, started to build a lot of,like, shame in my life, my sex
life. And, you know, the waythat I, you know, was expressing
myself, you know, was built upwith a lot of shame because I
was told I shouldn't.
Timothy Bish (26:03):
Mhmm.
Eric Bomyea (26:03):
Right? And, like, it's been a long exercise. I
was, like, really starting toexplore what is it that I
actually want. You know, notjust, like, in my, like,
professional life and myinterpersonal, but, like, in my
my my sexual life. Right?
Like, what is it that I want?What is it that I'm desiring?
And, like, that's been, like,years of, like, unpacking.
(26:24):
Right? All the things that,like, I was told I shouldn't do.
Timothy Bish (26:27):
Yeah. I mean, I think as a as a queer person
well, I mean, you're kind ofblowing my mind right now with
this idea of, like, thinkingabout what I'm choosing. I think
for a long time, I had thisfeeling of I should take what I
can get because it's you know, Ishouldn't be doing it in the
(26:47):
first place. So, like, kind ofgrabbing what you can, and it
feels like this idea of choiceand asking, like, what what
would I choose if I could, is awhole new way of thinking about
it.
Eric Bomyea (27:02):
And just taking that moment. Right? Like, I've,
like, I've I've sat and, like,really tried to, like, like,
unpack some of the things thatI, like, I rarely actually want.
Right? Like, if I mean, do Ihave to take it to the sexual
realm?
Just, like, thinking of, like,professionally. Like, what is it
that I want to do now that Ihave an opportunity to have,
like, the the space to explorewithout a job right now? Like,
(27:25):
what is it that I want to do?And I'm in a privileged position
right now where, like, I'm gonnahave a little bit of space to
explore that and I don't haveto, like, jump right to the
next. And so, like, you know, II mean, I'm gonna continue doing
this exercise.
I'm gonna do my own table andreally try to figure out, like,
you know, what is what'sunderneath? What what is gonna
(27:46):
bring joy for me? And then, youknow, just continuing to bring
that to more aspects of my life.
Timothy Bish (27:51):
Yeah. I think there's power in allowing
yourself the opportunity to evensay, I don't know if I like
that. Mhmm. I don't know if Iwant that, but I know I probably
need to try it on some level toget a sense of it and then
allowing yourself that. Right?
To be like, oh, I'm gonna try athing and, like, maybe I'm gonna
(28:13):
like it, maybe I'm not. And Iand then, like, not having any
shame around it. I think, Ithink maybe I've told you this
story, but I I had a friend, anacquaintance in New York City
when I was living there who,wanted to be humiliated. Mhmm.
It was like part part of hissort of fantasy and what he
(28:35):
enjoyed.
And I was like, I can I can tryit? I'm like, I've never I've
never done that. And so I Itried it. I'm only laughing
because it's you know, I triedit and I realized in that we
were on like a it was a phonecall actually. We weren't doing
anything in person in thatmoment.
I I was like, oh, I'm way toonurturing for for this. I'm
(29:01):
like, I'm just like I'm justlike not the right person. And
so then, you know, we kind ofcompleted that experience and I
spoke to him a few days later,and spoke my truth about that.
But I'm like but I look back onhim like, Well, I'm really glad
I tried. Because, it was still avery sweet, consensual sort of,
(29:22):
exploratory moment.
I think he was probably prettyaware of the fact that this
wasn't like my wheelhouseeither, you know? He he didn't
say that, but, like, I think itwas pretty obvious. But, but I'm
like I pat myself on the backfor, like, trying. How many
people have, like, had an entirelife that included, like, a
sexual intimate component andhave never tried something that
(29:45):
that, that wasn't, like,expected or or typical. Right?
Eric Bomyea (29:49):
Right. And that like this going back, it's so
much is said because you shouldor shouldn't do something. Yeah.
Right? It creates taboo.
Right? It creates and it's like,do you will you give yourself
permission to explore that, totry it? Right? And can you
create an environment wherethat's something that you can
consciously do? Like in this thescene that you were, you know,
(30:10):
participating in.
Right? Like, consciously goingin and be like, well, we're
gonna try. Let's see whathappens.
Timothy Bish (30:17):
We're gonna see what happens.
Eric Bomyea (30:18):
Do I like it? Do I not like it? Right? And like and
like, I'm just like being awareof that. And sometimes I think
too, like, in gay culturespecifically, I think I've
gotten the messaging of, like, Ishould, like, enjoy something.
I should enjoy going to a sexparty. I should enjoy going to
(30:42):
the club and cruising. I shouldlike, to be a a good gay man,
like, this is what I should do.I should be in an open
relationship. I should do allthese things.
And, like like, that's not me.Mhmm. Right? Like and I've
struggled with it for years.
Timothy Bish (31:00):
Well, there's because there's also silent
shoulds.
Eric Bomyea (31:02):
Mhmm.
Timothy Bish (31:02):
Right? That I'm making this up now, but this
idea I feel like I felt thispressure of, well, I look around
me and this is what everyoneelse is doing. So someone
doesn't need to walk up to menecessarily and say, oh, you
should want to come to the clubwith me Mhmm. And, like, do the
drugs and dance all night or orwhatever the whatever the agenda
is, for me to get the messagingthat, like, oh, there is the
(31:25):
silent should that, you know, wehave to kind of hold and
metabolize.
Eric Bomyea (31:30):
Yeah. I I love that. It's like the silent
should of expecting Is
Timothy Bish (31:36):
it the is it the
Eric Bomyea (31:38):
Should? Yes.
Timothy Bish (31:40):
I'm sorry. I just cut you off, please.
Eric Bomyea (31:43):
That, like, it it's it's these, like, societal
expectations that you don't needsomebody to specifically call it
out. But you feel the you canfeel the pressure. I mean, this
is peer pressure. This is grouppressure. And, like, that
doesn't have to come with a,like, you've gotta, like, jump
off this bridge with me.
It can really come from just,like, seeing other people in
(32:05):
this type of behavior. And ifyou're anything like me who's,
like, I'm trying to figuremyself out anyway. Like, I have
to look at other people. And if,like, the other people that are
like me or I think are like meare doing this specific thing,
then I but I don't think that Ishould be doing that. I start to
go inward real quick and I startto, like, self criticize myself
(32:25):
where I'm like, oh, like, I'mnot doing that.
Like, am I broken?
Timothy Bish (32:31):
What's wrong with me?
Eric Bomyea (32:32):
What's wrong with me? Yeah.
Timothy Bish (32:33):
Yeah. Yeah.
Eric Bomyea (32:33):
Right? Like, I don't have that desire to have
sex at a bar. Right? I don'thave a desire to have public
sex. I don't even know that I'vehad an impulse to do that.
I've had these pressures thatI've experienced not something
that somebody has put on me thatI know of and they're aware of.
I also blacked out at a lot ofbars. I don't know. But, like, I
(32:56):
can from what I can remember,like, I don't think that it was,
like, explicitly put on me, butI had a lot of, like, internal
dialogue
Timothy Bish (33:03):
Mhmm.
Eric Bomyea (33:03):
Of being, like, oh, I'm going out tonight. Like, I
should go to that club and Ishould
Timothy Bish (33:10):
Well, I mean, I think a lot of people are having
these shoulds because I've heardpeople talk about their night
the next day, sometime duringthe next day. And they it is
sort of judged based on likewhat they were able to
accomplish based on a should.Mhmm. Because the, the ideas or
at least in the town we live orin the experience I've been
(33:32):
having recently, oh, you shouldgo out, you should have a super
fun time, you should probablyget a lot of attention, and you
should, like, have sex. Mhmm.
And so I've watched people,like, be like, well, how was
your night? And I'm like, andthen and it was, only because
you're like, oh, you didn't endup having sex for any number of
(33:54):
reasons. That should was sopowerful. It was able to change
the rest of your night eventhough you might have had a
great time dancing. Right?
Or or whatever the thing was youwere, you know, doing. So I I
think there's a real power inthat, and I and, like, I think a
lot of us feel that pressure.
Eric Bomyea (34:11):
Yeah. Like, why am I going out? Right? Like and I
don't think there's the this is,again, this is I think we've
talked about this a coupletimes. This is not like bar
shaming or anything like that.
Like, it's just the invitationof, like, can you move it from I
should go out, I should try togo, like, you know, hook up with
(34:32):
somebody to, like, that'sactually what I want. That's
truly what you want and that'swhat you're desiring and that's
how you want to accomplish it.Go for it. Mhmm. Like, live your
truth.
Fulfill your authenticity. Yeah.That's just not my truth right
now. Not saying that it won'tbe, like, anytime. Like, I'm not
(34:53):
like, it's not a hard no andthere's not a judgment behind
it.
It really is. It's coming from aplace of self compassion for
myself because of how muchemotional strife I've gone
through, putting thatexpectation on myself and
thinking that I'm a bad gay.Mhmm. Right? Like, I'm a bad gay
because I don't want to do that.
That's not a desire of mine.
Timothy Bish (35:14):
Mhmm. Yeah. I think the the idea that people
would do it if they really choseto do it. I think there there
could be an entire episode aboutlike how do we understand what
it is we genuinely want and howdo we pursue that want. I mean,
(35:35):
so much of the coaching trainingthat I've done and some of this
work is really understandinglike, well, what do you want?
What a simple question. What doyou want? But the answer isn't
simple. So I mean, obviouslyyou're listening or you're
watching and you can say like,oh, I want money. I want good
health.
I want great sex. I want, youknow, blah blah blah. I'm like,
(35:56):
yeah, but but if we if you keepgoing, you keep going like,
well, what do you really want?What do you really want? So, I
agree with you.
If what you really want is thatexperience, then you should
absolutely have it. But I dothink that and one of the
reasons we're doing this podcastis because I think our world and
our community, we need to bereminded of the value of that
(36:21):
process, the process of tryingto uncover, well, what is it I
want and why do I want it? Whatdo I want and why do I want it?
And if I'm clear about thosethings and then I still want it,
Eric Bomyea (36:35):
go. Go
Timothy Bish (36:36):
for it. But it's, you know, it's been part of my
fitness journey. A lot of peoplewant a beautiful body and that
can mean so many differentthings, right? But whatever your
conception of a beautiful bodyis for you, you might want it.
Why?
Mhmm. Do you want it because youwant other people to find you
desirable? Because you want tolook good in clothes, because,
(37:00):
you know, there can be anynumber of reasons, but, like,
get clear about the why. And forme and it can be a combo why.
Like, of course, I want peopleto think I'm sexy.
I want people to desire me. ButI mainly want to feel strong and
to be able to move in ways thatare important to me. You know,
(37:20):
when we do our affirmations, Ithink if I were to go back
there's just a few things I'vedone every time on my
affirmations list and one ofthem is like my yoga practice
and like specifically my yogaasana practice. I get so much,
value out of it. So I want mybody to be strong because I
wanna be able to engage in thispractice that helps me so much.
(37:43):
Right? To me, that feels like apowerful why. If if my why was,
I wanna do this so that somestranger I haven't met yet might
wanna have sex with me, It'sjust a very different why. And I
think there's I think there'spower in understanding, the
differences in our whys and theones that can actually motivate
us.
Eric Bomyea (38:02):
Absolutely. And, like, if, regardless of the why,
right, like, just choose own it.Like, we talked about authentic
power a couple of episodes ago.Right? Like, just own it.
Own your authentic power. Andthat's like, it's super hot.
It's confidence boosting. Right?Like like, it doesn't matter
(38:27):
what anyone else thinks.
Yeah. Totally. As long as it'swithin like, you know, like I
have
Timothy Bish (38:32):
a training client right now who came to me. I want
a bigger butt. Great. Andthere's there's no like, I want
a bigger butt because I thinkpeople are gonna like me with a
bigger butt and I'm gonna feelbetter and sexier with a bigger
butt. Great.
So we do a lot of butt stuff.
Eric Bomyea (38:48):
Mhmm.
Timothy Bish (38:48):
Like, you know, lots of hip extension and
gluteal activation. I see thatlook in your face. We do a lot
of appropriate biomechanicmovements to activate the
posterior chain. Talk fitness tome.
Eric Bomyea (39:00):
Yeah. Yeah. And, fitness to me. Yeah. Yeah.
Timothy Bish (39:03):
And,
Eric Bomyea (39:04):
Talking at it.
Timothy Bish (39:04):
But, like, but there's something really great
about this is a very confidentperson who's, like, very clear
about their why. They're, like,what do they want and why do
they want it? And there's someas you just said, like, a real
confidence in that. Great. Cool.
Eric Bomyea (39:17):
I can get on board. Let's go.
Timothy Bish (39:18):
Let's fucking do it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Let's go.
It's when it's like, oh, I'mlike, not so clear that you're
like, oh, it becomes a littlebit less trustable, or a little
bit harder to understand. Yeah.
Eric Bomyea (39:31):
Yeah. RuPaul had a show very briefly. I think it
was called Good Work, where itwas about, folks
Timothy Bish (39:41):
Work with a queue or an r ERK?
Eric Bomyea (39:43):
I think it was so the the premise of the show was
that it was people that reallywanted plastic surgery. Oh. Or
some sort of, like, cosmeticprocedure done. Yeah. And so,
you know, RuPaul has the famousthings like, if you can't love
yourself, how the hell are yougonna love somebody else?
And so, like, for this specificshow, he said, like, if you
can't love yourself, maybe goget some good work. Right? And
(40:05):
it was like but it was theconscious choice. And, like,
during the conversations he washaving with people, it was like,
truly, is this what you want?Right?
Because we see examples of,like, extreme plastic surgery.
And some people, right, like,truly, that's how they want to
look. That is a desire. And it'slike, it's just kind of like
(40:25):
starting to remove the shamebecause, like, we start to,
like, put on this, like, thisjudgment. Like, when I see
somebody, I'm like, oh, like,you should just love yourself
more.
Like, why do you have to get allthis work done? Right? Somebody
might just want it. They've gonethrough the exercise. They've
gone through the practice andthey're like, this is how I want
to look.
Yeah. And they do it and they gofor it. And I'm like, you know
(40:45):
what? I'm gonna celebrate younow. Right?
Because there's so muchconfidence and and beauty in
that that, like, you're notyou're not acting from a place
of impulse. You're acting from aplace of, like, true desire.
And, like, you know, anyonethat's done that work, anyone
that has done that processing, Iapplaud you.
Timothy Bish (41:04):
Yeah. I think I think if it's a conscious
choice, do it. I'm thinking nowas you're telling that story
about what I would do. And, youknow, I've had a lot of
surgeries, so I'm reluctant todo, you know, non mandatory or,
you know, elective procedures.But if I had a magic wand, I'd
be like, oh, like, I would Iwould definitely see, like,
(41:27):
well, what what would it looklike if my chest were bigger or
my shoulders were bigger or myarms are bigger?
For the listeners and viewers,like, if you if you wanna get
anywhere with me, just acompliment. Tell me that I have
big chest, shoulders, or arms.Yeah. I'm like
Eric Bomyea (41:41):
Rolls on his back like a puppy.
Timothy Bish (41:42):
Yeah. I will I will clean your bathroom if you
tell me that I don't know why Ivalue it so much. But, it just
makes me feel really good. Butso I I think, like, yeah, I
probably would like I would doit if I didn't have that like,
oh, like I, you know, nounnecessary surgery for me, but,
yeah, I wonder how far I wouldgo. And I think as I'm thinking
(42:04):
about it now, the metric wouldbe about, like, how it made me
feel and what I was choosing.
Correct. As long as I was doingit for me to be like, oh, like,
I feel good with this size pec,shoulder, or arm. Yeah. Well
then, get it.
Eric Bomyea (42:21):
Right. And again, the the the thought process here
is, like, going through,assessing, right, and starting
to pick apart. Okay. Like, whyam I telling myself that I have
to have a bigger chest? Right?
Is it, somebody has told methat, you know, I have a a
really weak and small chest. Andso, like, I I'm telling myself
(42:42):
now that I need this biggerchest. K. Like, I'm sitting with
that. Right now, I'm gonna pullthat apart.
I'm gonna say, like, okay. Like,you know, I can work with that.
I can work with that that thatdrum that trauma or that
bullying that happened at somepoint. Okay. Like, that's I've
worked through that, but I stillhave a desire.
Right? Like, I'm and I'm doingthe work. I'm putting through
the the the the reps of, like,really sitting with this. Mhmm.
(43:05):
And, like, then acting.
Because I also, like, you know,just being mindful that I'm,
like, not saying, like, wantingto advocate for, like, go do
whatever you want. Right? Like,it's still, like, the the
invitation of, like
Timothy Bish (43:17):
Mindful conscious choices. Yeah. Yeah. Well, so
let's bring it back to men'swork then. So, one of the
benefits of men's work, whetherwe're doing embodiment, like
movement, posture, breath,visualization, sound, attention,
inquiry, questions, journaling,any of these things.
It's to help us get, a widerview of ourselves and start to
(43:41):
really look at, how we areengaging and then start to shine
the light on like, well why didI do that? Did I want to do
that? You know, my my yogateachers talk about this idea of
like, getting to the root cause.So they said like the practices
of yoga are like radical. Youget to the root.
So you don't just put a band aidon a cut. You ask yourself,
(44:02):
well, what was I doing to when Icut myself? Like, you know, what
was happening in that momentwhen I got cut? And like, was it
I got distracted like a, youknow, a bell rang or I wasn't
paying attention or evenwhatever, you know, whatever the
thing was. And so that that wasthe example of like so getting
to the root.
So the practices of men's workallow us to start to recognize
(44:26):
these sort of root causes, theseroot habits, patterns in our
lives. And then the more we canrecognize them, the more we can
start to decide, is that servingme? Am I so and this is where
we're like so once I recognize,oh, there's this behavior that
exists in me or in my life or inmy in my habits, have I chosen
(44:48):
it? Was it chosen for me? Was itwas it shoulded on me?
Was it have toed on me or musttoed on me? Because, you know,
and, and what do I want to donow? And what do I want to do
now and why do I want to dothat? Right? I know that can
sound like a lot of work, butthe alternative is continue sort
(45:10):
of unconsciously doing whatyou're doing and then just sort
of like bumping into all theobstacles as they inevitably.
Eric Bomyea (45:17):
Right. And succumbing to all the impulses,
all the reactions. Right? Like,just, like, becoming that
walking reaction. One of myfavorite things that you say
during practice.
I mean, I love all the thingsthat you say.
Timothy Bish (45:27):
Thank you. So you were learning. Yeah.
Eric Bomyea (45:30):
Yeah. Especially after you've done a pump and
you've got this massive chestjust
Timothy Bish (45:33):
Oh, yeah. I'm in the front of the room with,
like, giant shoulders and arms.Yeah. Thank you. This is a great
podcast episode.
Sorry. Continue.
Eric Bomyea (45:45):
Is sometimes when we're, like, really deep into
practice, like, the, prompt of,like, who gave this to you?
Right? Like, something that mayhave just bubbled up. Right? Or
something that you're tellingyourself.
Like, who gave that to you?Right? And just kind of like
letting it, like, sit and thenand then having that conscious
(46:07):
sense of like, do I wannacontinue to carry this? Right?
If I've been carrying aroundthis shame, this burden that
either society or my family orsomebody, like, gave to me as I
was I was growing up, like, Igot the choice now.
Do I wanna keep carrying it withme or do I wanna drop it? Do I
wanna keep running from it or doI want to, like, pause, turn
(46:29):
around, look at it and say, nomore. You've served your
purpose. I'm drawing a line inthe sand. Mhmm.
I'm putting you right there. Andnow I'm moving forward.
Timothy Bish (46:37):
Yeah. I just had an experience that brought
something up for me. Part of ithappened today, actually, where
I looked back on my family, andI I I was given this message,
the sort of, like, play, like,play it safe versus taking
risks. Right? And, I was in amoment today where I was taking
(47:03):
a risk and I could feel itbubbling up, this like, oh, I
like this impulse of I shouldplay it safe because that's like
this old message that Ireceived.
And I realized I'm like, oh,this feels like my mom talking
to me. And like not beating upon my mom. I love my mom and my
(47:23):
mom was doing the best she couldand she wanted to protect me.
And if I were, you know, aparent, I would probably want
and go to great lengths to keepmy child safe. Right?
But then I now I'm like, okay,but what do I choose? And so
many times in my life, I've hadto choose taking a risk, and
it's scary and there's noguarantee. But it helps when
(47:48):
you're like, oh, but this deepimpulse to play it safe, it
isn't it isn't entirely mine.It's it was handed to me, and
what am I gonna do now? What doI choose to do now?
And that choice can still bereally scary. And believe me,
the example I'm talking abouttoday, it was. It was. It didn't
(48:09):
that awareness didn't make thechoice less scary. It just
allowed me to say, like, when Iwhen I'm on my deathbed, doing a
look back and think I was aperson willing to take risks and
put stakes in the ground andswing big in moments, you know,
or that I always played safebecause I was ultimately afraid.
(48:32):
I mean, playing it safe is notalways bad. You should wear bike
helmets and seat belts and
Eric Bomyea (48:40):
I am a big advocate of bike helmets.
Timothy Bish (48:42):
Yeah. There's like there's so many things that are
like I'm not saying don't playit safe, but I'm saying when we
think about, like, choices,sometimes, oh, I'm gonna I'm
gonna bet on myself. I'm gonnamove to New York and try to be a
professional dancer when almosteveryone in my life was telling
me that I shouldn't. And I'mglad I didn't.
Eric Bomyea (49:01):
Absolutely.
Timothy Bish (49:02):
Yeah. So consciousness around that.
Eric Bomyea (49:05):
Yeah. No. Thank you for sharing. I think, like, just
opening up to the possibility ofwhat could be by simply asking
and taking the pause, to, like,ask yourself, am I playing it
safe right now? And like yousaid, sometimes safety is the
way to go.
(49:27):
Other times, it's like, yeah, Ihave an opportunity right now to
swing big. So let's go. Right?And that's that's really
exciting, you know, and can bethrilling. And that's really
where, like, we're we're at theedge.
We're at discomfort, but, like,you know, life begins at our
edge sometimes.
Timothy Bish (49:43):
Mhmm.
Eric Bomyea (49:44):
So Yeah. Just wanna take a quick tangent on bike
helmets and then wrap up. So youwere I
Timothy Bish (49:51):
don't know. I don't feel comfortable because
you know I don't wear one at
Eric Bomyea (49:54):
the time. Yeah. Well, so I this is about me.
Timothy Bish (49:57):
I mean, this is not a preachy moment. I should
wear
Eric Bomyea (50:00):
a bike helmet. Don't judge me. This is a
Timothy Bish (50:03):
me thing. You
Eric Bomyea (50:04):
have a bike helmet. I have a bike helmet. I love my
bike helmet.
Timothy Bish (50:08):
Right. Bike helmet.
Eric Bomyea (50:08):
Bike helmet. It is, it has a rainbow glittery
rainbow on it and I love it somuch. I have gotten so much,
like like, I've been made fun offor it. I keep doing like nice
bike helmet. And I'm like, youknow what?
I have done a lot of like likeinternal scanning, external
(50:29):
scanning of myself. The sexiestthing on me is my brain. And I'm
gonna protect it. And so, now Imake conscious choices to
protect it. And like, I couldsuccumb to this this silent
shoulding that if like everyoneelse is not wearing a helmet.
Oh, am I weird because I amwearing a helmet? No. I know my
(50:53):
truth. I know my decision and Iknow, like, the the confidence.
And so, like, now I wear my mybike helmet with pride.
I love it. So, you know, now I'mjust thinking like, if I can do
that with a bike helmet, like,why can't I do that with other
things in my life? If I'mgetting these silent shoulds,
elsewhere. Right? Like, I justYeah.
Timothy Bish (51:13):
Like, wear what you want. Do what you want.
Yeah. Well, this is this was thethe the basis for my Halloween
costume. Mhmm.
Yeah. Because this the silentshould was you should be sexy.
Mhmm. You should be really sexyand, taking efforts to make sure
people notice.
Eric Bomyea (51:33):
For for our listeners.
Timothy Bish (51:35):
Go ahead. Mhmm. I'm really proud of it. I love
it. Had a
Eric Bomyea (51:38):
great Halloween costume. Thank you. It was, the
Swadhisthana chakra.
Timothy Bish (51:45):
Swadhisthana chakra. That's right. That's the
the orange one at the sacralcenter.
Eric Bomyea (51:49):
Mhmm. The place that's responsible for our
emotions and our sensuality,creativity.
Timothy Bish (51:55):
Sexuality and creativity. Yep. Yep. Yep.
Eric Bomyea (51:57):
And so it was, in essence, like, the sexy costume.
Timothy Bish (52:00):
Boom. I was going I was I was going for sexy. Not
only was I going for sexy, I Iknow I nailed it. Mhmm. But go
ahead.
Continue. Tell tell them inwhich way I nailed it.
Eric Bomyea (52:10):
So it was one of those big blow up, costumes,
swirling orange ball of energy.And he was. He just like, you
know, like, would like activatewith the the Bija mantra of VOM.
So plug him in and VOM. He wouldactivate and then just become
(52:32):
this swirling orange ball ofenergy and like
Timothy Bish (52:35):
But you're making it sound really poetic for for
people listening. I looked likeI was in one of those, like,
blow up costumes. I looked likethe Stay Puft Marshmallow Man,
but all orange. Mhmm. Just likejust like a big puffy person.
Mhmm. I was a puff person. Yeah.Yeah. I had a really fun time.
Eric Bomyea (52:52):
You were really fun to to witness.
Timothy Bish (52:54):
Thank you. Thank you. I was dancing around and
people liked it. If you arewatching, you can go to my
personal Instagram and see avideo of me dancing. You won't
regret it.
But it was it was another takeon how to be sexy. I'm I feel
really proud of it. You're Butit was a reaction to the should,
which was the should was Ishould be in tight fitting
(53:14):
clothes or shirtless or
Eric Bomyea (53:18):
I should put a harness on and some devil horns.
I'm a devil Right?
Timothy Bish (53:24):
I'm a devil. Yeah. Next next year, I'm going as a
mouse.
Eric Bomyea (53:27):
Mhmm. Just a Duh.
Timothy Bish (53:32):
Okay. So so choosing versus shoulds, I think
the takeaway here is juststarting to ask the question.
Like, how often am I doingsomething because I choose to
versus because I feel some formof obligation to. And I think
(53:56):
some of those moments are I feelobligated but I can inject
consciousness into it and startto make it a choice. And I think
other moments it might be I getto I'm gonna start to cut this
out or begin the process ofcutting this out so that I so
that it does it's not present inmy life anymore.
Eric Bomyea (54:16):
Right. If, I think it men's works examples, it's
the kind of like the the fuckyeses and the fuck noes. Right?
Like, your list of, like, whatare the, like and then there's
the the the maybes. Right?
And if the maybes can getelevated to a fuck yes, like,
okay. Cool. If they but if theydrop down to a fuck no, like,
drop them. Right? So just, like,kind of that that life audit.
Yeah. Boom. So with that, thankyou so much for your leadership
(54:41):
and mentorship that allowed meto to get to the place of being
able to facilitate a circle likethis this week. Felt it was an
impactful one, and I lovedhearing you talk about your
experience.
Timothy Bish (54:52):
You did an incredible job in the circle,
and now, effective January,every second week Mhmm. Is
belongs to you, the sharingcircle and the embodiment
circle.
Eric Bomyea (55:03):
Belongs to all of us.
Timothy Bish (55:04):
Well, of course. And it, it is just the the
growth of this community thatwe're building here. And, I'm
very excited to be sharing thiswith you and collaborating with
you and, seeing the impact it'shaving on the community, the men
the, the new men that it'sbrought in. And hopefully, one
(55:25):
of those men is gonna come downthis road too, and soon we'll
have three facilitators and thenfour and then five and then
before you know it. Yeah.
Bit by bit.
Eric Bomyea (55:37):
Bit by bit. Yeah. Sometimes big bites. Sometimes
little bites.
Timothy Bish (55:42):
Alright. Do you feel complete?
Eric Bomyea (55:44):
I feel very complete. Would you take us out,
please?
Timothy Bish (55:46):
I will do. So let's all take a deep inhale and
a gentle exhale. And, let's takea moment of appreciation and
gratitude for this opportunityto look inward, to reflect, to
share, to feel, to examine, andhopefully step away with insight
(56:08):
and awareness about how we wantto be, who we want to be, where
we want to be. And with thesewords now, our container is open
but not broken.
Eric Bomyea (56:19):
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Timothy Bish (56:22):
Thank you so much for joining us here in the
circle. If you'd like to stayconnected to us between
episodes, please follow us onInstagram at queer men's
embodiment. Like, subscribe,rate, and review wherever you
find podcasts. And as we leavenow, I wish you brotherhood,
connection, authenticity,vulnerability, safety, and love.
(56:43):
And with these words, ourcontainer is open but not
broken.
Uho.
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