July 31, 2023 • 32 mins
Boundaries. We all need them, but setting them can be a challenge. This episode of the podcast takes you on a journey of understanding and implementing boundaries for success, both in your personal life and in your business. We discuss the impact of not having clear boundaries and how it can lead to overwhelming feelings and lack of focus. Discover three ways to identify if you have this block and get armed with four insightful questions to help you put the right boundaries in place.
Are you feeling overwhelmed? Do you feel like your responsibilities towards others are hindering your own growth? Let's take a cue from my personal experience with balancing caring for my mother-in-law and managing my own life and business. This episode will enlighten you on how to avoid feeling overwhelmed by setting practical boundaries. Understand the art of checking in with yourself to gauge your state of overwhelm and learn how tweaking your boundaries can help you navigate through demanding situations while still pursuing your goals.
Finally, dare to step out of your comfort zone and set boundaries for your personal growth. No, it's not always easy, especially when the people in your life are used to you showing up in a certain way. But the power in our thoughts, feelings, and actions can be harnessed to create healthier boundaries. With the right boundaries, you can value yourself more and make significant strides towards personal growth. As a sweet finish, get your hands on a free PDF available on my Instagram page @KushChadwick that's designed to help you establish healthier boundaries in your business and life. Don't miss out on this opportunity to redefine your boundaries and take charge of your life.
If you want help building your own 6 or 7 figure Coaching Business, come on over and connect with Kushla:
- on Instagram, you'll find her @KushlaChadwickOfficial
- on Facebook, come join our community here: Community
- To book a free $100k Roadmap Session or go on the waiting list for one, go here: https://calendly.com/kushlateam/roadmap
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Kushla Chadwick (00:00):
This is episode 10 of the Confident Coach
Academy podcast and the thirdepisode in our special series.
Our eight part series ofmindset blocks are keeping you
stuck.
Today, we're diving in andtalking all about the block of
not having boundaries.
So let's dive in, my friend.
Welcome to the Confident CoachAcademy podcast.
(00:21):
I'm your host, Kushla Chadwick,and if you have an audacious
dream to really be at service inthe world, build a profitable
coaching business online andhave an awesome life offline,
then, my love, you are in theright place.
Together we're going to talkstrategy, mindset, manifestation
, thought work, energy work, allthe things so let's dive in.
(00:42):
Hey, my love, I hope you'redoing amazing.
I am ready to dive in and talkabout this block so hard.
I'm really excited to talkabout the block of not having
boundaries, and it's somethingthat I have coached so many
clients through when they aretrying to get momentum in their
(01:06):
business or trying to go to thenext level.
Maybe you've already gotmomentum.
I've had clients who come inand they're like at the six
figure mark or they're goinginto multi six figures and they
want to go to the next level,but there's some new boundaries
that are got to be put in placeand so, yeah, this is a really
exciting conversation because Isee very fast, very tangible
(01:31):
results happen when you put theright boundaries in place for
you, your household and yourbusiness.
So, anyway, let's dive in andtalk about the things I for sure
want you to look out for sothat you can recognize if there
is a boundary that needs to beput in place.
(01:52):
And also, I'm going to give youguys four questions that you
can ask yourself.
They're really simple questionsthat are going to help
revolutionize, hopefully, theway you show up for you yourself
, your client, your business,your family, whoever it is that
you, like you know in life withRight.
(02:12):
So let's dive in.
I want to talk about threespecific ways, generally, that
you can tell if there's aboundary that needs to be put in
place.
There are going to be more waysthan these three, but these are
the three primary ones that Isee being an issue time and time
again.
They were an issue for me atone time or another.
I know that as I up level, thendifferent things will come up
(02:36):
and maybe one or maybe even allof these areas and they for sure
have come up with, like so manyof my clients, as we have
coached together.
Alright, so the three things Iwant you to look out for are do
you feel, on a regular basis,frustration, anger or resentment
(02:57):
?
Do you feel on a regular basis,a lack of focus?
Particularly, I want to ask youare you getting interrupted?
And the third thing is are youfeeling overwhelmed on a regular
basis?
Okay, so those were frustration, anger and resentment.
(03:18):
They're one, the other one isinterruption and lack of focus
and the third one is overwhelm.
So I want to dive into each ofthese a little bit more and then
I'm going to give you fourquestions.
I want to start off, actually,by talking about interruption,
because interruption has been ahuge challenge for me, in
(03:42):
particular, interruption andlack of focus.
And I had my brain scannedactually many years ago, or
maybe about four years ago, andI had a neurofeedback brain scan
.
To get more specific.
For those of you who knowneurofeedback, that will be
helpful information if you don't.
Well, you can Google it.
(04:03):
In any case, I had my brainscanned and what they identified
in my brain scan were ADHDmarkers.
Now, that's not to say I've gota diagnosis of ADHD.
My eldest daughter often jokesaround about this with me and,
yeah, I'm okay if I have it andI'm okay if I don't, because
(04:25):
either way, I just think thateveryone needs to do the work of
supporting their brains andtaking really good care of our
brain health.
But anyway, as I was saying,interruption and lack of focus
has been a challenge for me, andone of the things that I used
to do often was go outspontaneously and do something
(04:46):
that wasn't on my agenda to dofor the day at the time that I
thought I was going to work.
So, for instance, my sistermight call or message me see if
I wanted to go out for a brunchand I'd be like, yeah, let's do
it.
Or my sister-in-law would calland see if I wanted to visit
(05:07):
with my nephews and like, yeah,let's do it.
Or a friend would contact meand say, hey, do you want to
bring your girls?
Because I homeschooled mychildren.
And sometimes that messagemeans, hey, do you want to go?
Just do this with the girls.
And I'd be like, yeah, let's doit.
And so, obviously, doing thingswith family and friends is a
great thing to do, but doing itat the expense of the work which
(05:33):
I had scheduled to do, and thenI wouldn't go back later and do
.
It was a big challenge for me.
And it doesn't mean thatsometimes you can't just, you
know, reschedule working, thatyou can't do spontaneous things,
absolutely you can, but youwant to have some boundaries in
place around when are your workhours?
(05:54):
I can tell you I'm as isfreedom loving, as freedom
loving people come and, and ifwe don't have structures in
place, we will never really beable to have the spontaneity and
freedom that we truly desire.
And so it's really importantthat you have structures in
(06:15):
place to support you to do that.
And and the year I decided notnot the yes or the night that I
decided that I was a six-figurecoach, well, the very next day I
started putting boundaries inplace for how I was gonna run my
business, and so many of thoseboundaries eliminated
(06:38):
interruption in my life.
I'll give you an example of oneof them.
So I have a family messengergroup that I'm a part of that
involves, like my siblings, ourchildren, like you know, because
all of our, or most of mynieces and nephews like adults
now and in laws, and so it'slike a big group.
(07:01):
Right, there's six siblings alltogether and and then we've got
a bunch of children as well.
So, anyway, I would go in thisgroup daily and check on the
messages that we have, we've had.
You know I'd get notificationsand I'd go check and then I
would think to myself, oh yeah,I'll go back to work, but I
would get stuck in the messageand, you know, start socializing
(07:25):
with my family members or Iwould lose momentum on the task
that I was doing.
And it takes energy to stop andstart something.
Particularly once you're in theflow of it.
It can be really damaging tohow well you do your work and,
obviously, how effectively andefficiently you do it.
(07:46):
So I would go into thismessenger group and, like I said
, the very next day afterdeciding that I was a six-figure
coach, I went in and I messagedmy family and I was like, hey,
by the way, I am now working,and I told them the hours that I
was working, the days that Iwas working, and I said and, and
(08:09):
I shouldn't be in messenger andhere with you guys during these
hours.
So if you see me in here, couldyou please, please, remind me
that I shouldn't be in here andask me to leave.
And I'm very grateful, like myfamily were very supportive.
It only took like maybe ahandful of times, maybe two or
(08:29):
three times, for them to remindme before I was like, okay, I
need to stop bothering my familyand keep my own boundary with
myself.
So it's funny sometimes we canthink of interruption as being
something that happens fromother people.
For me, I was interruptingmyself, using technology to
(08:49):
interrupt myself, and for you itcould be other family members
or friends, or technologyyourself, or maybe it's all of
these things, but it'sdefinitely something to watch
out for.
It's one of the areas where wemost need to set boundaries, and
I am gonna talk about, like,why, actually, why don't we set
(09:11):
boundaries with ourselves?
Because there is definitely amindset and an energy block as
to why.
But after I've talked aboutthese a little bit, then I'll go
into that.
So the next one that I wanted totalk about was when we feel
frustrated or anger orresentment, and usually what I
have found to be at the bottomof this is because we feel like
(09:35):
others aren't giving us what wewant, or something isn't giving
us what we want, and usuallyit's because we haven't asked
for it.
At least we haven't asked forit explicitly, clearly, in the
way that the other person needsto hear it so that they can
really take it in, and so that'sone that's been huge, and I see
(10:01):
that a lot with women who havegot children at home and their
husband or their partner theyfeel like isn't doing their part
, either around the house orwith the children, so it can
look like not looking after thekids while you're trying to work
and the kids interrupting youor you, you know, you having to
(10:22):
cook more and and it can be.
It can look like so many thingsand it's not like these issues
which are just kind of appliedto us as coaches or
entrepreneurs.
These, you know, people whohave jobs are going to go
through the same kinds ofchallenges or can go through the
same kind of challenges withboundaries.
But I find that, at least withmy clients, with myself, because
(10:43):
we work at home, it kind of thefeelings about it tend to be
amplified because you're in thatenvironment where you know
other work needs to be done,which is equally important in
the home as well, and becausewe're there in the home.
It can feel like whether thisis true or whether it's just
(11:03):
your feelings about it, but itcan feel like you're expected to
do everything that you used todo within the home, perhaps, and
then also run your business,and obviously you haven't split
yourself in two.
You haven't given yourselfextra hours in the day.
So things need to change,scheduling needs to change, and
(11:24):
I see frustration, anger,resentment boot up a lot in that
area, but it can be in manyareas of your life and your
business, and so if you arefeeling frustration, anger or
resentment, I want you to askyourself what boundary needs to
be said here and like have youasked it explicitly?
(11:45):
Okay, and have you gotagreement on it, by the way,
okay?
And the third thing that I wantyou to look out for when it
comes to your boundaries is tocheck in and see are you
overwhelmed?
And I think it can be naturalto feel overwhelmed, for
instance, when you are maybelearning how to use a new social
(12:07):
media platform, or maybe whatthe social media platform you're
on does these big sweepingchanges and you're like what the
heck?
I just got used to the old wayof doing it, you know.
And school building when youdon't want to school build
anymore, can just feel like anoverwhelming process, like let's
just be honest about that, okay, but that's not the kind of
(12:29):
overwhelm that I'm talking aboutand that is temporary because
ultimately, if that's you, ifthere's been a change, you need
to school build, then you needto just make the decision to
school build and then learn theskill and implement it right.
But the kind of overwhelm thatI'm talking about is an
overwhelm that happens when youpretty consistently putting
(12:52):
other people's needs and agendasahead of your own.
And again, I see there's been ahuge challenge for women who are
at home and often, if we havefamilies, or even some of my
clients who don't have childrenand they're the carers for their
parents, that is actually morecommon than many of you might
(13:16):
realize.
But there can be all sorts ofpersonal circumstances that can
come up and you know we can saylike, yes, this is, this is what
I'm taking on and I'm notsaying it's wrong to help care
for someone else.
In fact, I think we need moreof it and I think it's amazing
(13:36):
when we step up to help oneanother.
I don't think I'd be aChristian if I didn't believe in
helping other people right andfor free, without expectations
sometimes of getting anythingback at all, not even a thank
you.
I think super, super importantthat we we make ourselves
available to be truly kind andgenerous and loving and
(13:58):
supportive to other people, andsometimes that means even at the
expense of our own agendas.
Like you, what we need to do inrunning our business.
However, you still have to, andespecially, actually, if you're
someone like that, then youhave to have really strong
boundaries around what that willlook like, for how long, and be
(14:19):
very clear on what is theexpense of that.
And I would say, know that itdoesn't require you giving up on
your dreams and your goals thatyou've been working towards.
And I'll give you a verypersonal example, so excuse me,
my beautiful mother-in-law,shirley, passed away early this
(14:40):
year, in January this year.
Prior to her passing, she livedwith us for just under four
months and it was reallydifficult.
She was in a lot of pain and itkind of come on unexpectedly.
She did have cancer, but we hadbeen told that it was actually
(15:03):
getting better and we hadn'theard that it was getting worse
until it was much worse, and soshe'd just she'd been keeping it
from us and from the rest ofthe family.
So we really felt unpreparedwhen we found out how bad it was
(15:23):
and at what stage it was and,honestly, we could have fallen
into a big hot mess.
I could have, like you know,really sabotaged my business.
If it were me in the past, Iwould tell you I probably would
have sabotaged my business.
To be quite honest, I probablywould have been the one to make
most of the sacrifice andallowed everyone else to try and
(15:50):
go about their business with aslittle interruption as possible
, and I would have been the onetrying to put my mother-in-law's
needs first, exclusively.
That would have been me in thepast and I can tell you I was
very, very pleased, actually notwith the circumstance, but with
(16:12):
how my husband and my childrenand I were able to help each
other in the circumstance in theway that we did it.
Of course, we made requests andalso we had boundaries and
boundaries.
Sometimes we think it's like areally big, difficult
conversation that needs to behad, where you say this is what
I want from you and we makerequests and all sounds very,
(16:35):
very official.
Boundaries don't always have tolook like that and for us in
this instance, it was just likea very collaborative way that we
did things.
We needed to have people to makesure that there was always
someone around in the house forher, that there was someone to
(16:57):
administer and watch over hermedication, which was given
intravenously each day, and alsoassistants getting to the
bathroom and using the bathroom.
You know she couldn't I thinkshe could shower for only maybe
the first month not even thatactually.
(17:18):
And so there were a lot ofthings that could have been an
opportunity for me to put mymother-in-law first and of
course, there were times whenshe absolutely was the very
first priority and the onlypriority of mine or my husband's
or my children.
But we were able to collaboratetogether and work well together
(17:41):
to figure it out so that wecould experience as little
overwhelm as possible in thesituation, and I would be
dishonest if I said it wasn'tsometimes overwhelming, because
it certainly was.
I won't go into like all of thedetails, but you know it was at
times overwhelming, but whathelped it to be less
(18:02):
overwhelming for all of us, andparticularly for me as a
business owner who ran mybusiness from home, where I was
happened to care for mymother-in-law, was through like
just knowing when am I available, when am I not available?
When is my husband going to beavailable?
(18:23):
Right, I was making sure we allstepped up to the plate and we
knew, like, who really wasresponsible for what.
You know, it was also makingsure that the boundaries were
good with my daughters, like howmuch are we going to get them
to help support us and what canwe do to make sure that they are
(18:44):
feeling emotionally relievedand able to let go of some of
the things that were reallydifficult about the situation.
So for them, and also formyself and my husband and you
know, sometimes it took mescheduling less work, sometimes
it meant my husband schedulingdays off and in fact he
(19:07):
scheduled many days off to makesure.
But again, if this were the oldme, I would have done it all.
I would have sacrificed mybusiness, or at least perhaps
part of my business, like maybethe lead generating side of my
business, right, and I wouldhave just kept up with the
maintenance of taking care of myclients.
(19:27):
So what I want you to know hereis I talk about this very
personal circumstances thatthere are many things that can
come up for you that will makeyou think that it has to be
either this or that.
I can tell you because I'vegone through so many varied
(19:48):
circumstances and seen so manyclients have gone through some
major challenges, and I'll giveyou an example One of my clients
while we've been workingtogether, she's in one of the
group programs that are runningat the moment.
Her house actually burnt downto the ground.
She accidentally left a heateron and her house burnt down.
Also, her car broke down Likeit's Gonski, and so there can be
(20:14):
challenges that come at us fromall sorts of angles and, of
course, those challenges need tobe addressed.
And, again, we need to make surethat we know what is your
business require of you, whatare your clients require of you?
What do you require of yourselfin order to show up for your
(20:34):
business?
What do you require of yourselfto be able to show up for your
family, and what do you requireof yourself to show up for you,
for yourself, because if youdon't take care of yourself,
then you're not going to be ableto do a great job of taking
care of anything else, and soit's really important, obviously
(20:56):
, that you are taking the timeand putting in boundaries in
place to take care of you aswell.
Okay, so I mentioned overwhelm,interruption and lack of focus,
and frustration, anger andresentment, like these are the
three areas which I see mostoften be a problem, and so I
(21:16):
want to be able to give you someadvice around what you can do
if this is you or, by the way,even if there's a boundary in
another area you need to set.
So I have here a few questions,like four specific questions,
that you can ask yourself.
So I'm going to share thesequestions and then I just want
to talk a little bit more ingeneral about what does it mean,
(21:39):
like, why does this happen?
So let me share the fourquestions first, right?
So the first question you canask is what do I feel takes not
what, sorry.
Who do I feel takes me forgranted?
So, is it clients?
Is it your spouse or partner?
Is it your parents?
Is it your children?
Maybe you've got coworkers,maybe you're still working in a
(21:59):
job, team members, who do youfeel takes you for granted?
Right, and don't judge theanswers.
It's not about actually blaminganyone else.
You know this.
When we're looking atboundaries, it's what's within
our power to do.
And the next question you canask yourself is what boundaries
have I miss setting with them orwith yourself if it's you
(22:22):
breaking your own boundaries?
So is it about showing up ontime?
Is it not being available atcertain times.
I know for me.
Actually, I have one of mybrothers who this year earlier
this year he started going to anendorsement pool and that pool
has like a spa, a sauna and asteam room and he goes there on
(22:46):
the same day every week and it'spart of his little self care
routine that he has.
I really love it.
I think it's awesome.
And he started asking me if Iwanted to come and join him and
I honestly would love to go.
I'd love to go, but it's on theday that I have scheduled for
my podcast recording and oranything to do with the podcast
(23:10):
production side of things.
And so, even though I'd love togo and hang out with my brother
, you know, have some chillconversation where we enjoy a
spa, sauna and a steam room.
Oh, yeah, yeah, the steam room,I'm just.
I was just trying to think, isit separate, is it unisex, or
blah, blah, blah.
Anyway, yeah, enjoy all thosethings together.
(23:31):
I choose not to, because Ichoose to not be available at
that time.
It's a boundary that I've setin place for myself and I need
to let my brother know about it,and I have and, by the way, my
brother's, like he knows aboutit, but every now and again he
still asks me because he's notsure if it's you know, something
(23:53):
that I will keep doing.
And so sometimes you will getpeople who are going to make
requests of you and they're notquite sure of how you do this
whole at home business kind ofthing.
Well, actually, so many morepeople are aware of it now,
after you know the last fewyears, there's so many more
people who do work from home orwho have at least experienced it
(24:15):
, so they are aware of someother challenges.
However, it's up to you to setyour boundaries and to let
people know.
So you're.
The question again that you canask yourself is which boundaries
have I mis-setting with them?
And again it could show up interms of like are they showing
up on time?
Is it about not being availableat certain times, like the
(24:36):
experience that I shared with mybrother, or not being
interrupted, etc.
That kind of stuff.
Okay, so that's question numbertwo.
The third question is whichfeelings do I get to avoid by
not setting boundaries with them?
So here's the thing boundariesare amazing, and when we don't
set boundaries, usually it's forone of two reasons.
(24:58):
Number one is that we don'twant to face a feeling, so we
are trying to.
I don't know why in my brainthat was complicated.
We're trying to avoid a feelingand the other reason is we
don't want to say no, we can beafraid of a poor reaction, and
(25:21):
so we can get into that space.
We're really like I'm nottrying to name call here, but we
really do try and manipulateothers through, like giving them
the answer that they want andnot being genuine.
We're a bit disingenuous.
Sometimes we don't recognize itfor ourselves because we've
ingrained the habit of it somuch.
But yeah, those are the twomain reasons that we don't set
(25:43):
boundaries to avoid a feeling,or we just don't want to say no,
we don't want to see orexperience a reaction, a poor
reaction that someone might have.
You know this is us guessingthat they might have it and so,
yeah, what feelings are youavoiding?
And then fourth question is howcan I value myself more and set
the boundary?
(26:03):
In other words, what will I doto set the boundary?
So this really is.
You know, if you look at thecoaching framework that I teach
and many other coaches teach it,it's not unique to just me.
But you know, if you have alook at.
We have circumstance and we'vegot our thoughts, feelings,
actions, and then from there wecan, you know, see the result
(26:25):
right.
And so our power lies in thethe bit in the middle, not on
the circumstance, it's in thethoughts, feelings and actions.
And with question four it isreally about, like, what are you
going to put in your actionline?
And with actions, it's not justwhat you do, it's like I look
at it like this DDR so what youdo, don't do or react or respond
(26:48):
to, right.
So what are you going to put onyour action line?
Like, what are you going to doto set the boundary?
What requests are you going tomake?
And sometimes we've got to sitdown and and really look at
things.
And it can be reallyuncomfortable to set boundaries
(27:10):
when you haven't set them in along time or when you know that
the people in your life is soused to you showing up a certain
way, but what you desire andthe goals that you have require
you to show up differently insome way.
Well, it's uncomfortable whenwe get to this stage and we like
we want to avoid it, like heckright, we're like, I don't want
(27:32):
to do it, we don't want to beperceived a certain way, but I
want you to know that if youwant to be able to influence
people in a really positive waymore often, you have to become
good at setting boundaries inyour business, in your life, in
your relationships withtechnology, with all the things
(27:53):
right with yourself.
So I'll list those again.
You need to set boundaries withyourself, with your family,
with your business, with otherpeople and with technology, and
it starts with getting to knowyourself, getting to know your
personal preferences, getting toknow what will work for you now
and also the you who has theresults in the future.
(28:16):
You want to pull her into yourlifestyle now.
So think about like whatboundaries does she have the,
the future self, the one who'salready made the six figures or
multi six figures or sevenfigures or more right?
Like what is her life like?
What boundaries would she havein place?
Don't think that you're gonnawait to hit the goal or get the
(28:40):
result before you start creatingthe boundaries that she has.
You actually have to createthem now and live into them.
Like I've said and shared before, like the things that I did
immediately upon making thedecision to be a six figure
coach was.
I started having a look at whatboundaries I needed to put in
(29:01):
place for myself and I can tellyou the the so I made the
decision in the evening.
The morning after was when Isent that message to my siblings
about, like you know, hey, Ican't be in the groups, I can't
respond to the messages anymore.
These are my times that I'mworking, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Right, boundaries are going tosave you from yourself and save
(29:24):
you from being always in thatreactive space with other people
.
Okay, it's gonna put you in aplace where you get to make very
intentional, informed, smartdecisions that are gonna work
for you and the people that youlove and the people you're
trying to help and the peopleyou're influencing.
And you may see how itinfluences them or you may not,
(29:46):
but when you're showing up inalignment with your values and
in alignment with your goals, Ipromise you it's going to have a
far more profound and positiveimpact than if you don't show up
in alignment with them.
Anyway, my loves, I hope thishas been how I'm really helpful
for you.
I think I'll finish by sharingone of my favorite little quotes
(30:07):
on boundaries, and this is fromBrene Brown, of course, right,
but she said one of the mostshocking findings of my work was
the idea that the mostcompassionate people I've
interviewed over the last 13years are absolutely the most
boundaries.
So, my friend, I know coachesso many coaches come into this
(30:30):
work because we're filled withempathy and compassion for other
people.
Okay, you really want to be themost compassionate version of
yourself?
Get bounded up, my friend.
And that's it for me.
That's it for me.
That's it from me for today.
I hope you have an amazing week.
I look forward to chatting withyou soon, and before I sign off,
(30:54):
I just want to say if gettinghelp and support with creating
good, healthy, strong boundariesin your business and in your
life is something you wantsupport with.
I actually have got a PDF onthis, which I'll just give to
you.
I haven't created a funnel forit at all.
It's from a program that I ranyears ago.
I'm having to give it away toyou, though, if it's going to be
(31:15):
helpful for you, all you needto do is come on over to
Instagram.
So come to.
It's Kush Chadwick, so not mywhole name, just Kush Chadwick
over there, and you can messageme and then just type in
boundaries PDF please.
Like that's it.
And yeah, and don't do voicemessage because it's not as easy
(31:36):
to respond to those, right, sojust type in boundaries PDF
please, and I will get it sentoff to you as quickly as I can.
Anyway, have an awesome day,have a great week, lots of love
and sunshine, and I'll catch yousoon.
This is episode 10 of the Confident Coach
Academy podcast and the thirdepisode in our special series.
Our eight part series ofmindset blocks are keeping you
stuck.
Today, we're diving in andtalking all about the block of
not having boundaries.
So let's dive in, my friend.
Welcome to the Confident CoachAcademy podcast.
(00:21):
I'm your host, Kushla Chadwick,and if you have an audacious
dream to really be at service inthe world, build a profitable
coaching business online andhave an awesome life offline,
then, my love, you are in theright place.
Together we're going to talkstrategy, mindset, manifestation
, thought work, energy work, allthe things so let's dive in.
(00:42):
Hey, my love, I hope you'redoing amazing.
I am ready to dive in and talkabout this block so hard.
I'm really excited to talkabout the block of not having
boundaries, and it's somethingthat I have coached so many
clients through when they aretrying to get momentum in their
(01:06):
business or trying to go to thenext level.
Maybe you've already gotmomentum.
I've had clients who come inand they're like at the six
figure mark or they're goinginto multi six figures and they
want to go to the next level,but there's some new boundaries
that are got to be put in placeand so, yeah, this is a really
exciting conversation because Isee very fast, very tangible
(01:31):
results happen when you put theright boundaries in place for
you, your household and yourbusiness.
So, anyway, let's dive in andtalk about the things I for sure
want you to look out for sothat you can recognize if there
is a boundary that needs to beput in place.
(01:52):
And also, I'm going to give youguys four questions that you
can ask yourself.
They're really simple questionsthat are going to help
revolutionize, hopefully, theway you show up for you yourself
, your client, your business,your family, whoever it is that
you, like you know in life withRight.
(02:12):
So let's dive in.
I want to talk about threespecific ways, generally, that
you can tell if there's aboundary that needs to be put in
place.
There are going to be more waysthan these three, but these are
the three primary ones that Isee being an issue time and time
again.
They were an issue for me atone time or another.
I know that as I up level, thendifferent things will come up
(02:36):
and maybe one or maybe even allof these areas and they for sure
have come up with, like so manyof my clients, as we have
coached together.
Alright, so the three things Iwant you to look out for are do
you feel, on a regular basis,frustration, anger or resentment
(02:57):
?
Do you feel on a regular basis,a lack of focus?
Particularly, I want to ask youare you getting interrupted?
And the third thing is are youfeeling overwhelmed on a regular
basis?
Okay, so those were frustration, anger and resentment.
(03:18):
They're one, the other one isinterruption and lack of focus
and the third one is overwhelm.
So I want to dive into each ofthese a little bit more and then
I'm going to give you fourquestions.
I want to start off, actually,by talking about interruption,
because interruption has been ahuge challenge for me, in
(03:42):
particular, interruption andlack of focus.
And I had my brain scannedactually many years ago, or
maybe about four years ago, andI had a neurofeedback brain scan
.
To get more specific.
For those of you who knowneurofeedback, that will be
helpful information if you don't.
Well, you can Google it.
(04:03):
In any case, I had my brainscanned and what they identified
in my brain scan were ADHDmarkers.
Now, that's not to say I've gota diagnosis of ADHD.
My eldest daughter often jokesaround about this with me and,
yeah, I'm okay if I have it andI'm okay if I don't, because
(04:25):
either way, I just think thateveryone needs to do the work of
supporting their brains andtaking really good care of our
brain health.
But anyway, as I was saying,interruption and lack of focus
has been a challenge for me, andone of the things that I used
to do often was go outspontaneously and do something
(04:46):
that wasn't on my agenda to dofor the day at the time that I
thought I was going to work.
So, for instance, my sistermight call or message me see if
I wanted to go out for a brunchand I'd be like, yeah, let's do
it.
Or my sister-in-law would calland see if I wanted to visit
(05:07):
with my nephews and like, yeah,let's do it.
Or a friend would contact meand say, hey, do you want to
bring your girls?
Because I homeschooled mychildren.
And sometimes that messagemeans, hey, do you want to go?
Just do this with the girls.
And I'd be like, yeah, let's doit.
And so, obviously, doing thingswith family and friends is a
great thing to do, but doing itat the expense of the work which
(05:33):
I had scheduled to do, and thenI wouldn't go back later and do
.
It was a big challenge for me.
And it doesn't mean thatsometimes you can't just, you
know, reschedule working, thatyou can't do spontaneous things,
absolutely you can, but youwant to have some boundaries in
place around when are your workhours?
(05:54):
I can tell you I'm as isfreedom loving, as freedom
loving people come and, and ifwe don't have structures in
place, we will never really beable to have the spontaneity and
freedom that we truly desire.
And so it's really importantthat you have structures in
(06:15):
place to support you to do that.
And and the year I decided notnot the yes or the night that I
decided that I was a six-figurecoach, well, the very next day I
started putting boundaries inplace for how I was gonna run my
business, and so many of thoseboundaries eliminated
(06:38):
interruption in my life.
I'll give you an example of oneof them.
So I have a family messengergroup that I'm a part of that
involves, like my siblings, ourchildren, like you know, because
all of our, or most of mynieces and nephews like adults
now and in laws, and so it'slike a big group.
(07:01):
Right, there's six siblings alltogether and and then we've got
a bunch of children as well.
So, anyway, I would go in thisgroup daily and check on the
messages that we have, we've had.
You know I'd get notificationsand I'd go check and then I
would think to myself, oh yeah,I'll go back to work, but I
would get stuck in the messageand, you know, start socializing
(07:25):
with my family members or Iwould lose momentum on the task
that I was doing.
And it takes energy to stop andstart something.
Particularly once you're in theflow of it.
It can be really damaging tohow well you do your work and,
obviously, how effectively andefficiently you do it.
(07:46):
So I would go into thismessenger group and, like I said
, the very next day afterdeciding that I was a six-figure
coach, I went in and I messagedmy family and I was like, hey,
by the way, I am now working,and I told them the hours that I
was working, the days that Iwas working, and I said and, and
(08:09):
I shouldn't be in messenger andhere with you guys during these
hours.
So if you see me in here, couldyou please, please, remind me
that I shouldn't be in here andask me to leave.
And I'm very grateful, like myfamily were very supportive.
It only took like maybe ahandful of times, maybe two or
(08:29):
three times, for them to remindme before I was like, okay, I
need to stop bothering my familyand keep my own boundary with
myself.
So it's funny sometimes we canthink of interruption as being
something that happens fromother people.
For me, I was interruptingmyself, using technology to
(08:49):
interrupt myself, and for you itcould be other family members
or friends, or technologyyourself, or maybe it's all of
these things, but it'sdefinitely something to watch
out for.
It's one of the areas where wemost need to set boundaries, and
I am gonna talk about, like,why, actually, why don't we set
(09:11):
boundaries with ourselves?
Because there is definitely amindset and an energy block as
to why.
But after I've talked aboutthese a little bit, then I'll go
into that.
So the next one that I wanted totalk about was when we feel
frustrated or anger orresentment, and usually what I
have found to be at the bottomof this is because we feel like
(09:35):
others aren't giving us what wewant, or something isn't giving
us what we want, and usuallyit's because we haven't asked
for it.
At least we haven't asked forit explicitly, clearly, in the
way that the other person needsto hear it so that they can
really take it in, and so that'sone that's been huge, and I see
(10:01):
that a lot with women who havegot children at home and their
husband or their partner theyfeel like isn't doing their part
, either around the house orwith the children, so it can
look like not looking after thekids while you're trying to work
and the kids interrupting youor you, you know, you having to
(10:22):
cook more and and it can be.
It can look like so many thingsand it's not like these issues
which are just kind of appliedto us as coaches or
entrepreneurs.
These, you know, people whohave jobs are going to go
through the same kinds ofchallenges or can go through the
same kind of challenges withboundaries.
But I find that, at least withmy clients, with myself, because
(10:43):
we work at home, it kind of thefeelings about it tend to be
amplified because you're in thatenvironment where you know
other work needs to be done,which is equally important in
the home as well, and becausewe're there in the home.
It can feel like whether thisis true or whether it's just
(11:03):
your feelings about it, but itcan feel like you're expected to
do everything that you used todo within the home, perhaps, and
then also run your business,and obviously you haven't split
yourself in two.
You haven't given yourselfextra hours in the day.
So things need to change,scheduling needs to change, and
(11:24):
I see frustration, anger,resentment boot up a lot in that
area, but it can be in manyareas of your life and your
business, and so if you arefeeling frustration, anger or
resentment, I want you to askyourself what boundary needs to
be said here and like have youasked it explicitly?
(11:45):
Okay, and have you gotagreement on it, by the way,
okay?
And the third thing that I wantyou to look out for when it
comes to your boundaries is tocheck in and see are you
overwhelmed?
And I think it can be naturalto feel overwhelmed, for
instance, when you are maybelearning how to use a new social
(12:07):
media platform, or maybe whatthe social media platform you're
on does these big sweepingchanges and you're like what the
heck?
I just got used to the old wayof doing it, you know.
And school building when youdon't want to school build
anymore, can just feel like anoverwhelming process, like let's
just be honest about that, okay, but that's not the kind of
(12:29):
overwhelm that I'm talking aboutand that is temporary because
ultimately, if that's you, ifthere's been a change, you need
to school build, then you needto just make the decision to
school build and then learn theskill and implement it right.
But the kind of overwhelm thatI'm talking about is an
overwhelm that happens when youpretty consistently putting
(12:52):
other people's needs and agendasahead of your own.
And again, I see there's been ahuge challenge for women who are
at home and often, if we havefamilies, or even some of my
clients who don't have childrenand they're the carers for their
parents, that is actually morecommon than many of you might
(13:16):
realize.
But there can be all sorts ofpersonal circumstances that can
come up and you know we can saylike, yes, this is, this is what
I'm taking on and I'm notsaying it's wrong to help care
for someone else.
In fact, I think we need moreof it and I think it's amazing
(13:36):
when we step up to help oneanother.
I don't think I'd be aChristian if I didn't believe in
helping other people right andfor free, without expectations
sometimes of getting anythingback at all, not even a thank
you.
I think super, super importantthat we we make ourselves
available to be truly kind andgenerous and loving and
(13:58):
supportive to other people, andsometimes that means even at the
expense of our own agendas.
Like you, what we need to do inrunning our business.
However, you still have to, andespecially, actually, if you're
someone like that, then youhave to have really strong
boundaries around what that willlook like, for how long, and be
(14:19):
very clear on what is theexpense of that.
And I would say, know that itdoesn't require you giving up on
your dreams and your goals thatyou've been working towards.
And I'll give you a verypersonal example, so excuse me,
my beautiful mother-in-law,shirley, passed away early this
(14:40):
year, in January this year.
Prior to her passing, she livedwith us for just under four
months and it was reallydifficult.
She was in a lot of pain and itkind of come on unexpectedly.
She did have cancer, but we hadbeen told that it was actually
(15:03):
getting better and we hadn'theard that it was getting worse
until it was much worse, and soshe'd just she'd been keeping it
from us and from the rest ofthe family.
So we really felt unpreparedwhen we found out how bad it was
(15:23):
and at what stage it was and,honestly, we could have fallen
into a big hot mess.
I could have, like you know,really sabotaged my business.
If it were me in the past, Iwould tell you I probably would
have sabotaged my business.
To be quite honest, I probablywould have been the one to make
most of the sacrifice andallowed everyone else to try and
(15:50):
go about their business with aslittle interruption as possible
, and I would have been the onetrying to put my mother-in-law's
needs first, exclusively.
That would have been me in thepast and I can tell you I was
very, very pleased, actually notwith the circumstance, but with
(16:12):
how my husband and my childrenand I were able to help each
other in the circumstance in theway that we did it.
Of course, we made requests andalso we had boundaries and
boundaries.
Sometimes we think it's like areally big, difficult
conversation that needs to behad, where you say this is what
I want from you and we makerequests and all sounds very,
(16:35):
very official.
Boundaries don't always have tolook like that and for us in
this instance, it was just likea very collaborative way that we
did things.
We needed to have people to makesure that there was always
someone around in the house forher, that there was someone to
(16:57):
administer and watch over hermedication, which was given
intravenously each day, and alsoassistants getting to the
bathroom and using the bathroom.
You know she couldn't I thinkshe could shower for only maybe
the first month not even thatactually.
(17:18):
And so there were a lot ofthings that could have been an
opportunity for me to put mymother-in-law first and of
course, there were times whenshe absolutely was the very
first priority and the onlypriority of mine or my husband's
or my children.
But we were able to collaboratetogether and work well together
(17:41):
to figure it out so that wecould experience as little
overwhelm as possible in thesituation, and I would be
dishonest if I said it wasn'tsometimes overwhelming, because
it certainly was.
I won't go into like all of thedetails, but you know it was at
times overwhelming, but whathelped it to be less
(18:02):
overwhelming for all of us, andparticularly for me as a
business owner who ran mybusiness from home, where I was
happened to care for mymother-in-law, was through like
just knowing when am I available, when am I not available?
When is my husband going to beavailable?
(18:23):
Right, I was making sure we allstepped up to the plate and we
knew, like, who really wasresponsible for what.
You know, it was also makingsure that the boundaries were
good with my daughters, like howmuch are we going to get them
to help support us and what canwe do to make sure that they are
(18:44):
feeling emotionally relievedand able to let go of some of
the things that were reallydifficult about the situation.
So for them, and also formyself and my husband and you
know, sometimes it took mescheduling less work, sometimes
it meant my husband schedulingdays off and in fact he
(19:07):
scheduled many days off to makesure.
But again, if this were the oldme, I would have done it all.
I would have sacrificed mybusiness, or at least perhaps
part of my business, like maybethe lead generating side of my
business, right, and I wouldhave just kept up with the
maintenance of taking care of myclients.
(19:27):
So what I want you to know hereis I talk about this very
personal circumstances thatthere are many things that can
come up for you that will makeyou think that it has to be
either this or that.
I can tell you because I'vegone through so many varied
(19:48):
circumstances and seen so manyclients have gone through some
major challenges, and I'll giveyou an example One of my clients
while we've been workingtogether, she's in one of the
group programs that are runningat the moment.
Her house actually burnt downto the ground.
She accidentally left a heateron and her house burnt down.
Also, her car broke down Likeit's Gonski, and so there can be
(20:14):
challenges that come at us fromall sorts of angles and, of
course, those challenges need tobe addressed.
And, again, we need to make surethat we know what is your
business require of you, whatare your clients require of you?
What do you require of yourselfin order to show up for your
(20:34):
business?
What do you require of yourselfto be able to show up for your
family, and what do you requireof yourself to show up for you,
for yourself, because if youdon't take care of yourself,
then you're not going to be ableto do a great job of taking
care of anything else, and soit's really important, obviously
(20:56):
, that you are taking the timeand putting in boundaries in
place to take care of you aswell.
Okay, so I mentioned overwhelm,interruption and lack of focus,
and frustration, anger andresentment, like these are the
three areas which I see mostoften be a problem, and so I
(21:16):
want to be able to give you someadvice around what you can do
if this is you or, by the way,even if there's a boundary in
another area you need to set.
So I have here a few questions,like four specific questions,
that you can ask yourself.
So I'm going to share thesequestions and then I just want
to talk a little bit more ingeneral about what does it mean,
(21:39):
like, why does this happen?
So let me share the fourquestions first, right?
So the first question you canask is what do I feel takes not
what, sorry.
Who do I feel takes me forgranted?
So, is it clients?
Is it your spouse or partner?
Is it your parents?
Is it your children?
Maybe you've got coworkers,maybe you're still working in a
(21:59):
job, team members, who do youfeel takes you for granted?
Right, and don't judge theanswers.
It's not about actually blaminganyone else.
You know this.
When we're looking atboundaries, it's what's within
our power to do.
And the next question you canask yourself is what boundaries
have I miss setting with them orwith yourself if it's you
(22:22):
breaking your own boundaries?
So is it about showing up ontime?
Is it not being available atcertain times.
I know for me.
Actually, I have one of mybrothers who this year earlier
this year he started going to anendorsement pool and that pool
has like a spa, a sauna and asteam room and he goes there on
(22:46):
the same day every week and it'spart of his little self care
routine that he has.
I really love it.
I think it's awesome.
And he started asking me if Iwanted to come and join him and
I honestly would love to go.
I'd love to go, but it's on theday that I have scheduled for
my podcast recording and oranything to do with the podcast
(23:10):
production side of things.
And so, even though I'd love togo and hang out with my brother
, you know, have some chillconversation where we enjoy a
spa, sauna and a steam room.
Oh, yeah, yeah, the steam room,I'm just.
I was just trying to think, isit separate, is it unisex, or
blah, blah, blah.
Anyway, yeah, enjoy all thosethings together.
(23:31):
I choose not to, because Ichoose to not be available at
that time.
It's a boundary that I've setin place for myself and I need
to let my brother know about it,and I have and, by the way, my
brother's, like he knows aboutit, but every now and again he
still asks me because he's notsure if it's you know, something
(23:53):
that I will keep doing.
And so sometimes you will getpeople who are going to make
requests of you and they're notquite sure of how you do this
whole at home business kind ofthing.
Well, actually, so many morepeople are aware of it now,
after you know the last fewyears, there's so many more
people who do work from home orwho have at least experienced it
(24:15):
, so they are aware of someother challenges.
However, it's up to you to setyour boundaries and to let
people know.
So you're.
The question again that you canask yourself is which boundaries
have I mis-setting with them?
And again it could show up interms of like are they showing
up on time?
Is it about not being availableat certain times, like the
(24:36):
experience that I shared with mybrother, or not being
interrupted, etc.
That kind of stuff.
Okay, so that's question numbertwo.
The third question is whichfeelings do I get to avoid by
not setting boundaries with them?
So here's the thing boundariesare amazing, and when we don't
set boundaries, usually it's forone of two reasons.
(24:58):
Number one is that we don'twant to face a feeling, so we
are trying to.
I don't know why in my brainthat was complicated.
We're trying to avoid a feelingand the other reason is we
don't want to say no, we can beafraid of a poor reaction, and
(25:21):
so we can get into that space.
We're really like I'm nottrying to name call here, but we
really do try and manipulateothers through, like giving them
the answer that they want andnot being genuine.
We're a bit disingenuous.
Sometimes we don't recognize itfor ourselves because we've
ingrained the habit of it somuch.
But yeah, those are the twomain reasons that we don't set
(25:43):
boundaries to avoid a feeling,or we just don't want to say no,
we don't want to see orexperience a reaction, a poor
reaction that someone might have.
You know this is us guessingthat they might have it and so,
yeah, what feelings are youavoiding?
And then fourth question is howcan I value myself more and set
the boundary?
(26:03):
In other words, what will I doto set the boundary?
So this really is.
You know, if you look at thecoaching framework that I teach
and many other coaches teach it,it's not unique to just me.
But you know, if you have alook at.
We have circumstance and we'vegot our thoughts, feelings,
actions, and then from there wecan, you know, see the result
(26:25):
right.
And so our power lies in thethe bit in the middle, not on
the circumstance, it's in thethoughts, feelings and actions.
And with question four it isreally about, like, what are you
going to put in your actionline?
And with actions, it's not justwhat you do, it's like I look
at it like this DDR so what youdo, don't do or react or respond
(26:48):
to, right.
So what are you going to put onyour action line?
Like, what are you going to doto set the boundary?
What requests are you going tomake?
And sometimes we've got to sitdown and and really look at
things.
And it can be reallyuncomfortable to set boundaries
(27:10):
when you haven't set them in along time or when you know that
the people in your life is soused to you showing up a certain
way, but what you desire andthe goals that you have require
you to show up differently insome way.
Well, it's uncomfortable whenwe get to this stage and we like
we want to avoid it, like heckright, we're like, I don't want
(27:32):
to do it, we don't want to beperceived a certain way, but I
want you to know that if youwant to be able to influence
people in a really positive waymore often, you have to become
good at setting boundaries inyour business, in your life, in
your relationships withtechnology, with all the things
(27:53):
right with yourself.
So I'll list those again.
You need to set boundaries withyourself, with your family,
with your business, with otherpeople and with technology, and
it starts with getting to knowyourself, getting to know your
personal preferences, getting toknow what will work for you now
and also the you who has theresults in the future.
(28:16):
You want to pull her into yourlifestyle now.
So think about like whatboundaries does she have the,
the future self, the one who'salready made the six figures or
multi six figures or sevenfigures or more right?
Like what is her life like?
What boundaries would she havein place?
Don't think that you're gonnawait to hit the goal or get the
(28:40):
result before you start creatingthe boundaries that she has.
You actually have to createthem now and live into them.
Like I've said and shared before, like the things that I did
immediately upon making thedecision to be a six figure
coach was.
I started having a look at whatboundaries I needed to put in
(29:01):
place for myself and I can tellyou the the so I made the
decision in the evening.
The morning after was when Isent that message to my siblings
about, like you know, hey, Ican't be in the groups, I can't
respond to the messages anymore.
These are my times that I'mworking, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Right, boundaries are going tosave you from yourself and save
(29:24):
you from being always in thatreactive space with other people
.
Okay, it's gonna put you in aplace where you get to make very
intentional, informed, smartdecisions that are gonna work
for you and the people that youlove and the people you're
trying to help and the peopleyou're influencing.
And you may see how itinfluences them or you may not,
(29:46):
but when you're showing up inalignment with your values and
in alignment with your goals, Ipromise you it's going to have a
far more profound and positiveimpact than if you don't show up
in alignment with them.
Anyway, my loves, I hope thishas been how I'm really helpful
for you.
I think I'll finish by sharingone of my favorite little quotes
(30:07):
on boundaries, and this is fromBrene Brown, of course, right,
but she said one of the mostshocking findings of my work was
the idea that the mostcompassionate people I've
interviewed over the last 13years are absolutely the most
boundaries.
So, my friend, I know coachesso many coaches come into this
(30:30):
work because we're filled withempathy and compassion for other
people.
Okay, you really want to be themost compassionate version of
yourself?
Get bounded up, my friend.
And that's it for me.
That's it for me.
That's it from me for today.
I hope you have an amazing week.
I look forward to chatting withyou soon, and before I sign off,
(30:54):
I just want to say if gettinghelp and support with creating
good, healthy, strong boundariesin your business and in your
life is something you wantsupport with.
I actually have got a PDF onthis, which I'll just give to
you.
I haven't created a funnel forit at all.
It's from a program that I ranyears ago.
I'm having to give it away toyou, though, if it's going to be
(31:15):
helpful for you, all you needto do is come on over to
Instagram.
So come to.
It's Kush Chadwick, so not mywhole name, just Kush Chadwick
over there, and you can messageme and then just type in
boundaries PDF please.
Like that's it.
And yeah, and don't do voicemessage because it's not as easy
(31:36):
to respond to those, right, sojust type in boundaries PDF
please, and I will get it sentoff to you as quickly as I can.
Anyway, have an awesome day,have a great week, lots of love
and sunshine, and I'll catch yousoon.
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