October 2, 2025 • 69 mins
Generational trauma is definitely a buzz term in the mental health space — and although that opens up the door for more conversation on the topic, it can also leave us feeling unsure of what to do with the information. That’s why I knew it was so important to explore this topic on the podcast.
In today’s episode, I sit down with Alyssa Scarano, LPC Founder and Clinical Director of The Collective Therapy & Wellness and unpack what generational trauma actually looks like, how to recognize it in your own life, and how we may still be participating in patterns that were passed down to us.
One powerful takeaway to keep in mind as you listen:
“Two opposing thoughts can be true at the same time.”
This concept comes up throughout our conversation and is key to navigating the complexities of generational trauma and also guiding the next steps toward healing.
Find Alyssa Scarano, LPC
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/collective.therapy.wellness
Related episodes from The Couch Next Door:
Story Work (with Chassie Anders)
Reparenting the Inner Child (Quick Check-In)
Related Reading:
I'd love to hear from you! Send a message to the show about the show.
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Follow me on Instagram: @candicefraserlpc
Find me on Substack: candice512.substack.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
UNKNOWN (00:00):
you
SPEAKER_02 (00:17):
There, and welcome to The Couch Next Door, where a
happy hour meets a therapysession.
I'm your host, Candice Frazier,a licensed professional
counselor.
Each week, I'm honored to have afriend come sit on my couch, and
we'll dive into an area ofmental health that is impacting
their world.
We'll definitely laugh, probablycry, and maybe go on a rant or
(00:39):
two, because we are all humansfull of emotions.
Come hang out with us.
Generational trauma isdefinitely a buzz term in the
mental health space, which iswhat makes it so important for
(01:01):
me to include it as a topic onmy podcast.
Alyssa Scarano is an LPC andfounder and clinical director of
the Collective Therapy andWellness Practice.
She's known for her empatheticand compassionate approach.
Alyssa views her work as aprofound privilege, an
opportunity to be invited intothe most intimate and vulnerable
(01:23):
parts of her clients' lives.
She specialized Self-compassion.
So in this conversation withAlyssa, we not only address how
(01:44):
to identify patterns ofgenerational trauma, but also
identify how we might still beparticipating in it.
This includes noticing our ownemotions, working towards
regulation of our emotions, andreparenting our inner child so
that the generational patternscan change.
Y'all, this is all covered inthis conversation that you're
about to listen to.
As you listen, I want you toremember something that Alyssa
(02:07):
mentioned several times.
Two opposing thoughts can beThis is a very important concept
to remember when we'readdressing generational trauma.
One more thing before we jumpinto my conversation.
I am officially on Substack.
So if you've been enjoying themental health content that I
share on the podcast, we cankeep those conversations going.
(02:29):
If you join the couch crew, dothat by subscribing to
Candice512.substack.com and allthe encouragement and content
will land straight in yourinbox.
You can find the link in theshow notes.
All right, y'all.
Here is my conversation withAlyssa.
(02:50):
Scorano.
Am I saying it right?
I feel like I'm saying it veryTexas.
SPEAKER_00 (02:55):
It's okay.
Scorano.
SPEAKER_02 (02:56):
Scorano.
Scorano.
Scorano.
Okay.
Like soprano, but Scorano.
Okay.
SPEAKER_00 (03:05):
I love it.
Yep.
SPEAKER_02 (03:06):
I don't
SPEAKER_00 (03:08):
know.
Dang it.
I've never heard that before, soI'm going to use that.
Okay.
Scorano.
SPEAKER_02 (03:16):
All right, Alyssa Scarano, thank you so much for
coming on The Couch Next Door.
I'm so excited for thisconversation.
SPEAKER_00 (03:21):
Thank you, Candice.
I'm so excited to be here.
SPEAKER_02 (03:24):
Well, tell us a little bit about yourself.
What are the things that we needto know to know about you?
You can tell us about yourfamily, your business.
What is there to know about you?
SPEAKER_00 (03:34):
Yeah, so my practice is very near and dear to my
heart.
It's really always been a visionof mine to kind of create this
like one stop like shop come andyou can have therapy or you can
(03:54):
be connected to a largercommunity, whether that's in
group counseling or in aworkshop or even just in a
virtual space through like achat room.
And you've get a little bit ofeverything, some mindfulness,
some yoga, some, you know,attention to what you put into
your body in forms of nutritionand making, you know, healthy
(04:14):
choices and, you know, that kindof thing.
Yeah.
(04:46):
Or just one of those things.
So we really wanted to justcreate a space where people can
feel like they belong.
And we're seeing for the wholeof who they are and offering
something that addresses eachpiece.
I love
SPEAKER_02 (05:00):
that.
So tell me, what is yourpractice name?
SPEAKER_00 (05:04):
The Collective Therapy and Wellness.
SPEAKER_02 (05:07):
The Collective Therapy and Wellness, which that
is exactly what it is.
What a perfect name.
SPEAKER_00 (05:11):
A bunch of us working together collectively
for the collective.
SPEAKER_02 (05:16):
Yeah.
And so what does that look likewhen you've got these various,
you know, various therapists,various like disciplines that
are working with a client?
How do y'all sort ofcollectively work together for
this, maybe one particularclient?
What
SPEAKER_00 (05:34):
does that tend to look like?
with one of the coaches, whichthey're actually licensed or
trained in their respectiveareas.
So self-love coach, she justworks on self-love, but she is a
(05:56):
licensed clinical social worker.
So her whole program is backedby like cognitive behavioral
therapy and political theory.
Our mindfulness meditationteacher is a registered yoga
teacher and certifiedmindfulness teacher.
And our nutritionist is acertified nutritionist.
And so you'll get, when you're acurrent client, you get access
to any workshop or group therapyoption that we offer at no cost.
(06:20):
You'll have access to any ofthose wellness packages at no
cost for, you know, like threeto five sessions with the coach.
If you want to branch off,that's, you know, a relationship
you build with the coach.
So we try to make it, you know,accessible.
Oh, I love
SPEAKER_02 (06:37):
that.
Wow.
I mean, it really is like aone-stop shop.
Like if you need multi-layeredtreatment or you don't, or just
one, I mean, there's a lot ofdifferent, it sounds like a lot
of different things people canbranch out into within your
practice.
That's so cool.
I love that.
And so tell me, which states doy'all serve?
Because like you said, there'smultiple states that are served
(07:01):
within your practice.
So what states can people befrom to access y'all's services?
SPEAKER_00 (07:09):
Yeah.
So if you want to work with acoach, you can work with a coach
no matter where you are.
But therapy-wise, We are rightnow, we're working with Florida,
Missouri.
I don't know why I know thislist off the back of my head.
Florida, Missouri, New Jersey,New York, and Texas.
Okay,
SPEAKER_02 (07:27):
awesome.
SPEAKER_00 (07:27):
Five states.
SPEAKER_02 (07:28):
That's
SPEAKER_00 (07:28):
great.
SPEAKER_02 (07:29):
I mean, I think that's the thing that COVID gave
us is more accessibility totherapy.
You know, I mean, COVID wasterrible.
And it also broadened this ideafor therapists to be able to
serve people not in their state.
And that was not something that,I mean, I never thought that
this would be like virtualtherapy would be like a
(07:52):
mainstream thing.
And I'm so thankful it is.
It just makes it so much moreaccessible for people.
SPEAKER_00 (07:58):
Yeah.
Because you can do it on yourlunch break or you can do it
before you go home from work ordepending on what your work
schedule is.
I mean, it just, it can moreseamlessly fit into your day,
into your week.
I know.
Yeah.
It just makes it that much moreaccessible versus having to
figure out who's going to watchthe kids.
And you know,
SPEAKER_02 (08:24):
an hour away is more like two hours.
(08:45):
with the people and there's notas many restrictions as there
was once was so so cool I loveit love what you're doing thank
you yeah okay and you aremarried and you have a one child
correct okay nice so your lifeis full because of running a
(09:06):
practice is like you know havinga baby
SPEAKER_00 (09:08):
yes it's funny because I do look at it like it
is my second child absolutely
SPEAKER_02 (09:15):
yeah Yeah,
SPEAKER_00 (09:16):
I joke around, but it's true.
Like it took me, I want to saynine to 10 months to like write
the copy of my original websiteand to get that up and running
from the inside out.
That's it.
(09:45):
Or whatever it is that you'redoing, like a listener here is
doing, if you are anentrepreneur yourself, it's
like, if you're really connectedand present with the prep, with
the business, it's going to tellyou what it needs next.
Like, where are you at?
What is it needing?
What is it struggling with?
And where can it benefit fromsome more support?
(10:06):
And just
SPEAKER_02 (10:07):
like with kids.
Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (10:08):
So
SPEAKER_02 (10:09):
yeah, we have to be present and listen to what the
business needs, for sure.
And have the capacity, right, tothen meet that need.
SPEAKER_00 (10:15):
Yeah.
Give yourselves grace the wholeway.
Trust in the process.
So
SPEAKER_02 (10:21):
true.
So true.
All right, Alyssa.
Well, do you have a rant for ustoday that you'd like to go on?
Okay.
SPEAKER_00 (10:29):
Adulting.
SPEAKER_02 (10:31):
Adulting.
Yes.
SPEAKER_00 (10:34):
When you're young, you're in such a rush, such a
rush to grow up and like haveall this freedom.
And then, yeah, you become anadult and you realize like I am
more– trapped than I ever wasyou know 100% like this was all
a scam and I want my money backlike all I'm doing is working to
(10:57):
pay the bills which then I justhave to work to continue to live
right
SPEAKER_02 (11:04):
yes when does the fun part happen that's what I
would like to
SPEAKER_00 (11:10):
know right
SPEAKER_02 (11:11):
yeah
SPEAKER_00 (11:11):
I'm
SPEAKER_02 (11:12):
still
SPEAKER_00 (11:12):
waiting
SPEAKER_02 (11:12):
well and I mean just I I mean, we could go on and on
about just the cost of adulting.
Like, I just put four new tireson my minivan.
Like, that would be kind of amini vacation.
But no, I had to put tires on myvan to get these kids where they
need to go.
(11:33):
Yeah,
SPEAKER_00 (11:34):
same.
We just replaced all the tireson my car, and now the brakes
need to be replaced.
And then I renewed theregistration, and now I got an
alert that it's time for aninspection.
And I'm like, when?
SPEAKER_02 (11:45):
When does it stop?
I know.
I know.
I know.
And I feel like every time, likeif we have a little extra money,
it then goes to somethingrelated to being an adult.
It's not like a shopping spreeor a fun vacation.
It's tires, toilet paper, youknow, a car inspection.
SPEAKER_00 (12:07):
Yep.
Yeah.
And thankfully, right?
Thankfully that is how, youknow, it works out somehow.
Sometimes, yeah.
Yeah.
yeah it's but I don't know Iwish I would have known like
something I tell young peoplenow or younger people is don't
be in such a rush like you'reonly a kid for like a short
(12:28):
amount of time like not even 18years like 17 maybe you know
then you're an adult and that'sit well
SPEAKER_02 (12:38):
and I know I think that's really even good that
you're speaking to that toobecause I think also in our
culture now I think even when Iwas growing up, it was like, you
need to figure out what you'regoing to do.
You need to figure out whatyou're going to do.
But I feel like it's even worsenow.
I have a kid going into highschool this coming year, and
they have these things nowcalled pathways, which is
(12:58):
essentially you're picking amajor for high school.
And I'm like, he's 14.
He doesn't know.
I didn't know at 18.
Do you know how many times Ichanged my major?
So what are we doing to thesekids, making them decide what
they want to do for the rest oflives when their brains are not
even close to being fullyformed.
SPEAKER_00 (13:21):
Yeah.
Yeah.
For all those years.
Right.
They're told who to be, how toact, what to do and how to do
it.
SPEAKER_02 (13:26):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (13:27):
And all of a sudden it's like, OK, pick like how you
don't even
SPEAKER_02 (13:31):
know who you are in the world.
There's too many options to likebecause I mean, I think that's
also a good narrative is you cando anything you want to do.
But
SPEAKER_00 (13:39):
that's really
SPEAKER_02 (13:40):
overwhelming.
SPEAKER_00 (13:42):
Yeah.
And, you know, you do have topick it so quickly.
Right.
Like before you even have had aminute to, you know, just get
out Yeah.
And then you think like, okay,well, what's the alternative?
Not having that be part of theconversation?
Like, no, but to have it figuredout at that age and for it to be
the thing, like how many of usas adults really have all kind
(14:05):
of looked back at one point andfeeling, we should have done
something different.
SPEAKER_02 (14:10):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Well, and I also think becauseof like this idea, like you were
saying, we're, you know, kidsbeing so quick to want to grow
up.
Like, I think there's alsomental opportunity to go explore
the world, right?
Like to go explore yourself inthe world because you got to
graduate high school and thenyou got to go to college and
then you got to go get a job andthen, you know, move up the
(14:32):
corporate ladder or whatever itis that there isn't that time
and space necessarily that'sencouraged to go figure yourself
out so that you can have livedexperiences to then know what
you actually want to do.
So I love that.
That's such good advice.
Yeah.
If you're graduating highschool, go like, I don't know
your parents probably will hateme for saying this but like go
(14:54):
explore like go to Europe Idon't know go do something fun
because you know there will be atime when you just it's harder
to do that
SPEAKER_00 (15:03):
yep yep and you know I think the other thing is is
like if you're if you're alsonot sure and that's not an
option like take classes thatinterest you yeah you know right
because I'm a big believer of ifyou're interested in it you're
gonna find something you knowalong the way and don't let
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah.
(15:23):
And I
SPEAKER_02 (15:32):
mean, I think some of that too is like exploring
some of those like inventoriesof like figuring out what you're
good at.
Like you said, if there'ssomething that interests you,
okay, maybe that's somethingthat you can actually make a
career out of.
Let's explore what parts of thatyou really like.
But I don't know that they dothat.
Yeah, no, that's
SPEAKER_00 (15:57):
a good point.
I don't remember that.
I don't know that they do thatnow, like those assessments in
terms of like strengths and, youknow, what field might you be,
you know, suited for and thingslike that.
That would be really smart
SPEAKER_02 (16:09):
to incorporate.
Okay.
Okay.
So the rant is, if you're young,don't rush to grow up.
It's not all it's cracked up tobe.
SPEAKER_01 (16:18):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (16:20):
no and how nice would it be to like hold on to
that like innocence and naivetya little bit longer you know and
one of the reasons I like I havea four-year-old and I'm like
just where our whole life isabout imagination yeah I can't
I'm not ready to let it go yeah
SPEAKER_02 (16:42):
yeah yeah well and I think that is that is one of the
the gifts of parenting too itdoes kind of help us to to
connect with our younger selvesagain almost like gives us more
permission to do that than if weweren't in that world so I love
that that does give us a littlebit of a relief from all the
(17:02):
adulting when we have littlekids around yeah yeah okay which
I think this is a great segueactually to what we're talking
about today isn't it withgenerational trauma so I you
know we we got to meet and chatwhat about a month or so ago and
(17:23):
I felt like our conversation wasjust so easy and I know a lot of
the work that you do is allaround relationships which I
that's some of the my favoritework to do with clients is just
really digging into whatrelationships look like how can
they be healthy how can you behonored and also honor those
around you really well and so Iknow something that you and I
(17:44):
spoke about when we first metwas the work that you do with
clients around generationaltrauma and so can you tell us a
little bit about like what Imean I think that's kind of a
buzzword a lot of people arehearing generational trauma what
does that really mean like whatwhat what kind of things should
we be aware of that mightindicate there's general
(18:05):
generational trauma going on I
SPEAKER_00 (18:09):
think the way to really answer that is like first
like let's talk about how it allcomes to be right like and the
truth is is that when we go backto our family of origin and we
look at what are the dynamicsthat I saw?
What are the dynamics that Ikind of was exposed to and then
inadvertently participated in,in some way, shape or form,
right?
(18:29):
If I was like the peacekeeper orthe officer of compliance and
like just never really pushedboundaries or spoke up, or if I,
you know, over-functioned as akid to manage everybody else's
emotions because there was somuch conflict at home, like that
is a role that I learned to playvery young.
(18:50):
You know, if I had Right.
(19:20):
our own, what shapes our ownself-talk, right?
Is it often comes from the wayour caregivers, our attachment
figures or authority figuresspoke to and of us.
That becomes the language thatwe develop or learn to describe
ourselves.
And so, you know, the way we seeour parents or caregivers
interact, right?
(19:41):
That is the idea of love, orthat is how conflict is either
handled or not handled.
And so we're talking aboutgenerational trauma.
It's what happens in childhood,right?
The way our parents act orrespond in times of stressor or
conflict or how even like thingslike money are viewed, right?
(20:01):
If money was always scarce,right?
And it was always something thatyou had to work really hard to
obtain.
And as soon as it came, it left,right?
That can become the narrative ofwhat it means for money or
financial stability growing upas you grow up into adulthood
for yourself.
Now, our parents, you know,behavior, right, came from what
(20:22):
their childhood was.
And things just get carried onand carried on and carried on.
And where we, I think, sometimesdon't see it truthfully is in
our relationships.
And, you know, let's say thatyou grew up in a house where
mom, I mean, this is just anexample, maybe mom did
(20:43):
everything for everybody.
And dad, I'm making this one up,but like dad was kind of there.
but providing and things likethat and maybe that caused
distance between mom and dad youknow you might go on as the
woman and be the same way inyour relationship and then
there's distance in yourrelationship with your husband
(21:04):
and it comes out as anger andresentment irritability but
really that's like I don't knowhow to ask for help
SPEAKER_02 (21:13):
right because I don't even know what that looks
like because that's not everwhat I saw yeah
SPEAKER_00 (21:19):
I'd be a burden if I did ask for help.
And so, yeah, breaking thatgenerational pattern is first
like learning, like, what is thepattern?
How and why am I stillparticipating in it, right?
Because at the same time,there's something I'm getting
out of it.
So if we're using that exampleof over-functioning,
SPEAKER_01 (21:39):
well,
SPEAKER_00 (21:40):
strengthen that, right?
Like, I'm strong.
I don't need anybody.
So perhaps that's the thingthat's keeping it in place.
And Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (22:20):
what I observed maybe my father to do with my
mother and maybe that's notactually what my partner is is
wanting to do in therelationship but it it like you
said it's almost like I don'twant that pattern to continue
and it doesn't necessarily haveto but I don't know how else I
don't know how to change thepattern because that's just what
I know um yeah and it justcontinues if if we aren't aware
(22:45):
of those things right
SPEAKER_00 (22:46):
right and you know I mean and so it can show up in in
those little, more little ways.
But, you know, depending on theintensity of what you maybe
witness at home, right?
I mean, if there was neglect orabuse of any kind, right?
Like that causes a consequenceof something internally.
And then we carry that with usif it's unhealed, you know?
(23:10):
And we try to heal it sometimesif we're not connected to like
what effect it had on us.
We try to heal it through ourfuture relationship.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (23:50):
it can be very interesting once somebody
becomes a parent, right?
Where sometimes that's where theawareness of these cycles,
patterns come up.
But just in the work that you dowith your clients, when do you
start to maybe notice this andhow do you bring that up,
especially if somebody's notaware of how this generational
(24:11):
trauma has been impacting them?
SPEAKER_00 (24:12):
Yeah.
So Candice, I think for me, I'mlike day one doing my assessment
and tell me about your family oforigin.
Did you have a sister, brother?
What was your relationship withmom or dad or whoever took care
of you?
And so from the beginning, we'rekind of, at least with me, we're
looking at it, who you are basedon where you've been, what's
(24:37):
been the story, what are thepatterns and themes, what are
the protective mechanisms,right?
And how are they still kind ofpulling at you, those protective
mechanisms, right?
What are the learning of myselfthat, you know, based on those
experiences and how is thataffecting what I'm struggling
with today and now.
(24:58):
So for me, I'm kind of likedoing an initial assessment
based on that little bit of aninterview, you know, in
bite-sized pieces.
We're not necessarily divingright in.
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (25:10):
Tell me all about your family, but you're getting
a picture of where they've comefrom and even like you're saying
the role that they probablyplayed within their family
system.
because that's gonna inform youas to maybe what's going on in
the now.
SPEAKER_00 (25:24):
Yeah, so yeah.
And so it starts out like, okay,what brings you here now?
And then keeping that in mindbased upon the history, it kind
of connects certain dots, right?
So if someone came in andthey're like, I'm really having
a hard time with my spouse andthis has been the struggle, that
has been the struggle.
And I'll keep that in mind whenwe talk about, well, what has
(25:48):
your experience with conflict orcommunication been throughout
your life?
And how come it's hard tocommunicate now?
What's coming up?
SPEAKER_02 (25:56):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (25:59):
I don't know if that answers your question.
SPEAKER_02 (26:00):
No, it totally does.
Yeah.
Well, so the thing that I'mthinking of, because I hear this
a lot, and I wonder if you do aswell, I'll have clients that
will come in and they may saysomething to the effect of, I'm
not blaming my parents.
I don't need to blame everythingon my parents, right?
What do you say to that?
Because, you know, I mean, Idon't want to say everybody's
(26:23):
got generational trauma, but Ido think that there are
patterns, like you're saying,that come up for us and roles
that we play in our family, goodor bad, you know, I mean, or
neutral.
It just is.
That's part of what a familysystem is.
We all sort of play a role inthat.
So what do you say to somebodythat may say, well, why are we
(26:44):
always blaming the parents?
Like, why is it always theparents' fault for what my
children are doing?
Because
SPEAKER_00 (26:53):
I think that's the early learning environment.
Those are your first people thatlike really you learn how to say
your first words, how to takeyour first steps.
Right.
Like, I mean, I make a joke withmy clients with friends is like
babies don't even know how tofart yet.
SPEAKER_02 (27:13):
Right.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (27:14):
We rely on our caregivers for every everything.
Basic needs middle.
of our learning so I think it'seasy to blame our parents right
but then the other side of it islike no no no i love my parents
right like yeah i don't want tohave these feelings about them
because i love them and like thething is like you know right
(27:36):
candace like two things canexist three things exist
SPEAKER_01 (27:40):
exactly yeah
SPEAKER_00 (27:41):
like we can have all of our feelings about what
happened or didn't happen whatneeds or wounds happen and i
think that the healing ispossible when we say okay well
mom and dad they only had acertain amount of tools or what
their toolbox looked a certainway also for reasons yeah and in
(28:01):
some ways they were also still awounded child
SPEAKER_02 (28:05):
at
SPEAKER_00 (28:06):
the time when they were trying to parent and maybe
they had less resources like nowmental health is everywhere yeah
yeah yeah we've got google backwhen our my parents were younger
they had they didn't haveiphones and you know it was
paper maps or right right
SPEAKER_02 (28:22):
right yeah
SPEAKER_01 (28:23):
and
SPEAKER_00 (28:23):
So in older generations, it was very much
about just sun up to sundown,pull yourself up by your
bootstraps and keep moving.
You don't have time for yourtears.
So I think it's easy to blame,but it's also not the whole
story.
Have all of your feelingsbecause they deserved space then
(28:45):
and they deserve space now, butwe don't have to hold the ax
over our head.
Yeah.
Whether our parents are in ourlives
SPEAKER_02 (29:04):
or not, because sometimes that's the decision
too.
And, you know, what struggleswere they going through?
(29:25):
Not to excuse anything thatmaybe came up for us as
children, but, you know, itisn't just, it's not a one
dimensional story.
It's not a one dimensional thingthat's happening.
There's a lot of layers here.
And just even, I mean, beingable to go to therapy and talk
through those layers createsthat understanding so that, like
you're saying, you can findhealing, not only for yourself,
(29:48):
but maybe even compassion foryour parents, whatever that
might look like.
SPEAKER_00 (29:53):
Right.
And it's definitely hard, right?
Because connecting with that canbe like, well, if I did, I have
to be, it's going to strike upthis sadness.
And that's really hard to sitwith.
And it's like, but maybe youwere sad then, right?
And if you look at a little kidwho's not you, right?
But maybe has the same story,like, would you say the same
(30:16):
thing to them?
So- I think it's about havingall of our feelings and knowing
that you can be mad about howsomething happened.
You can be hurt.
You can be sad.
But it doesn't mean that likeyou are, you know, ungrateful
child.
It also doesn't mean that theydon't have to be in your lives
(30:38):
anymore.
You know, it just means thatyou're healing.
Exactly.
SPEAKER_02 (30:44):
Yeah.
I mean, I love that you saidlike multiple things can exist
at one time.
And I think, I mean, gosh, thatis the truest statement
especially when we're talkingabout this work because there is
there can be so much at play andI know something that I read in
the form that you filled outjust the importance of sitting
with your clients in theirfeelings because I mean and
(31:07):
that's one of the things I tellmy clients all the time this is
that's some of the hardest stuffI have to ask them to do is just
sit in those feelingsacknowledge them we've got to
just know that they're there andcall them what they are and be
in that because that is how wemove through them.
But man, that's hard to do,especially when you weren't
(31:29):
shown how to do that orencouraged how to do that or
even knowing what feelings arein the first place.
SPEAKER_00 (31:35):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And, you know, that I think whenpeople come to therapy, right,
they're like, okay, what do Ido?
SPEAKER_01 (31:43):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (31:44):
Fix me, right?
Right.
I'll kind of like, depending onthe situation, I'll kind of be
like, well, Okay, pat yourselfon the head, you know, and do
six turns to the left and sixturns to the right.
(32:20):
Right.
Is it like, come on, we don'thave time for this.
Is that the message that I havegrowing up?
Or stop crying, stop or yellingor getting punished.
Like, was that the reactiongrowing up?
So it's a matter of like whenyou're having your feelings and
maybe it's over somethingcompletely different, right,
(32:40):
than childhood.
It's about something else.
I'm going to sit with you whileyou're having those feelings and
I'm not going to look away.
I'm not going to talk to you.
out of them right i'm not gonnasay don't feel that way right
that's the thing that everybodysays when they're trying to be
helpful don't think that wayyeah
SPEAKER_02 (32:57):
be happy be happy look at all the wonderful things
in your life right
SPEAKER_00 (33:00):
yeah right or oh the my my favorite you should be
SPEAKER_02 (33:03):
happy yeah
SPEAKER_00 (33:06):
you should be grateful that's so much shame
there um but i'm not going totell you that you're wrong i'm
not going to you know shy awaylook away and the Like I'm with
you looking at you and I'mmodeling like peace by being
(33:28):
non-reactive.
And, you know, even if I feelwhat you're feeling in the
moment and I'm calling it out,like I'm listening to this and I
can't help but feel so much hurtlike in my belly, in my heart,
because that's what I'm tryingto do is connect you to that.
Maybe that part of you thatlearned to shut off.
(33:50):
And I think that's really, oncewe build up a comfort with all
of our emotions, we no longerhave to hide or shut down or
self-abandon or shame ourselves,all those things we learned how
to do.
Right,
SPEAKER_02 (34:03):
right.
Yeah, we can actually lean intothem, get to know what we're
feeling.
And so then we know what weneed.
Yeah,
SPEAKER_00 (34:12):
that's my favorite one.
That's my favorite way oftalking about it too, is like
our emotions as indicators ofwhat you need.
Yes, yeah, yeah.
You're angry, so you wentthrough something unfair,
something unjust.
You need kindness maybe, right?
Fairness.
love you know so whatconsidering that like okay your
feelings were never bad it washow they were responded to
(34:35):
because maybe the person thatwas there didn't know how to
respond to them right and towhat extent right yeah yeah so
good
SPEAKER_02 (34:44):
god that's so good and it's so hard like I just
want to validate that too likeespecially you know what
Alyssa's saying like if that wasnot something that was
encouraged or modeled the ideaof sitting in that feels deeply
uncomfortable Deeplyuncomfortable.
And that's some of the mostbeautiful work in therapy,
though, is to get to see peoplein that discomfort work really
(35:10):
hard to still stay in that.
It is.
It's so hard, but it's so worthit.
And that's what I try toencourage clients to.
I know this feels souncomfortable.
And I'm not expecting you toever feel comfortable, but we're
going to get more comfortablewith this.
SPEAKER_00 (35:28):
Right?
Well, and I think at least wedon't have because every time
that we've shut off a piece, oneemotion or a piece of it, we
start to numb all of it.
Yes, exactly.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And now, like, if you don't knowsadness, it's gonna be really
hard to recognize happiness orjoy.
And then there's just goingthrough life, like, just lost in
(35:52):
the sauce waiting for somethinggood to happen when it maybe
there is something good.
I'm just not connecting to it.
Yeah,
SPEAKER_02 (35:57):
yeah, absolutely.
Absolutely.
So tell us a little bit aboutlike, this idea of rewriting the
inner narrative, maybe this ideaof reparenting to help promote
healing.
I know this is like, really alot of the work to do when we're
talking about generationaltrauma.
(36:18):
So what is that?
I mean, and it may just mean Iknow this, we could probably
talk for hours on what thislooks like.
But if that is a new concept forpeople, What do they need to
know about what that work lookslike?
SPEAKER_00 (36:32):
Yeah.
So rewriting the narrative,that's where you're looking at
the reflexive like beliefsystems and maybe they're more
subconscious.
We're not aware of them, but itcould have been like, you know,
looking back at the roles,right?
I, my job growing up was to makeeverybody laugh because there
was so much conflict, right?
Okay.
(36:53):
Well, I don't have to, rewritingthe narrative means like telling
yourself, like, I don't haveMm-hmm.
(37:28):
Or, you know, so I had to dowell, otherwise I would get
punished or I would get shunnedor I wouldn't get any attention.
You don't have to perform inorder to feel loved or be loved,
I should say.
You're always worthy of that.
(37:58):
spouse or whoever we are, right,in our lives.
I dropped the ball or I failedat something.
You know, the feeling that I'mleft with is maybe like sadness
or disappointment.
I can meet myself there andreparent myself through that
sadness and disappointment.
What do you need, right, in thatmoment to feel comforted?
(38:20):
I'm going to give that tomyself.
So I think it starts withrewriting the narrative or the
belief system of like, I don'thave to be the peacekeeper in
order to be loved or not have toperform in order to be loved.
I always deserve that.
So right now I feel really sadbecause I'm not getting that.
I feel really angry because Idon't have that in my life.
(38:42):
How can I give it to myself?
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (38:45):
So where do you see the first step of this work?
Is it the recognizing youremotions or is it really
understanding what your role waswithin the Yeah,
SPEAKER_00 (38:58):
true.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
(39:28):
in reaction right which is wherewe yell or we get mad at
ourselves or we pull away rightanything that's reflexive to the
situation if we're just kind ofcentered and grounded right then
we can start getting into likewhat some of that introspective
work of like what am I feelingwhat are my feelings telling me
(39:48):
about what I need you know isthat is this that old story
getting stirred up again becausethere's something sticky there
um and What do I need right nowin order to move forward?
SPEAKER_02 (40:03):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
And so with this idea ofreparenting, and you mentioned
it a moment ago, even being ableto visualize a child or a child
that you know, how would youspeak to them?
And I've been able to sort ofwalk clients through with that
(40:23):
idea because when I say, well,this three-year-old that is in
your life that you love so much?
Could you ever imagine speakingto her in that way?
And they're like, oh, absolutelynot.
But yet, that's the way thatthey're speaking to themselves
within that inner narrative.
And so even just like trying topull them out of that and see
(40:44):
that from a differentperspective, you know, giving
them that option of visualizinghow would you speak to a child,
because they would never speakto somebody else like that.
But they do that to themselvesall the time.
SPEAKER_00 (41:00):
Right, right.
And consider, right, when you'rein that emotional, big emotional
state, that reactive state,right?
That's dysregulation.
That might as well be thatthree-year-old, four-year-old,
like having a really hard timeemotionally with something,
right?
Am I in that scenario going toyell at myself and expect to
(41:20):
feel better or just stop or justshut off?
Or like, maybe that's what I wastaught to do with this stuff,
but that's not Yeah.
(41:57):
to I think help is if we are thegrounded ones if you're
maintaining calm right and youdon't even have to be saying
anything but you're in the roomwith them and you're saying like
I'm here I see you I'm with yougranted within safety like I'm
not I'm with you but you kind ofhit me right but I'm with you
(42:22):
you don't need to hit if they'rea little kid you don't need to
hit for me to see that you're inpain right Right.
And you're staying calm.
That's called co-regulation.
Right.
You're showing someone or achild that I you know, you can
have your emotion.
You're not alone.
And it's going to pass.
I'm modeling that just calmnessfor you as well.
If you think of that now, right,that's an external.
(42:46):
It's like that's what we want todo for ourselves.
I can have this experience, butI don't need to react to it.
SPEAKER_02 (42:54):
That's good.
(43:24):
Right there for all that
SPEAKER_00 (43:30):
you're talking about.
That's huge.
(43:54):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (43:55):
Yeah.
Okay.
I know I'm going to have parentslistening thinking, oh gosh, am
I repeating generational trauma?
Am I continuing this with mykids?
And we're not going to beperfect, right?
Like there are going to be timeswhen we are dysregulated and we
still have some place to go andwe need to get this kid in the
car, whatever, right?
Whatever the circumstances are.
(44:16):
So what would you say to thepeople that are listening that
are parents that are like, ohcrap, what am I doing to my
child?
SPEAKER_00 (44:24):
Yeah.
I'm a parent, so I get it.
Yes.
This is hard.
We can love our child.
Remember, two things.
Yes.
We can love our children, butalso want to put them on the
roof, not actually going to.
No, but have the thought.
Yeah, of course.
Yeah.
Doesn't mean we're actuallygoing to, but you know, they
drive us too.
That's okay.
(44:44):
That doesn't make you a badparent.
I think the thing that we cando, right, is knowing that,
okay, I don't have to be thefixer they're having an emotion
I can sit with them through thatbut I don't have to fix it I
don't have to stop it yeah benice if I could prevent the
tantrum don't get me wrong surebut I don't have control over
(45:06):
that just as much as I don'thave control over something
right
SPEAKER_02 (45:09):
but maybe their feelings are informing us of how
to prevent it in the futuremaybe maybe not I mean they're
irrational when they're upsetbut that also could be an
informant
SPEAKER_00 (45:21):
right I mean if you think about it side note it's
like what do we all Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
(45:54):
Right.
Or I want to let them know thatI see them and I hear them and
they're not bad or not wrong.
Like it could be even astatement of like, I don't want
to repeat this pattern.
I needed that when I was a kid.
Let me be that.
SPEAKER_01 (46:11):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (46:12):
So some sort of anchoring thought that can
ground you in that moment can behelpful because it could, it
very much is for kids thatthey're trying to communicate
something to us through theirbehavior.
And if they're screaming ordoing something like that, maybe
there's something I'm not seeingbecause they don't have the
language to tell me.
SPEAKER_02 (46:33):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, and even I love the ideaof a grounding thought of what
can I be for my kids that maybeI needed?
Yeah.
Yes.
Yes.
Because I mean, that speaks toour hearts.
Like we know in our own beingswhat we wish we would have had,
right?
(46:53):
I mean, whether you you've donetherapy or not, you could
probably sit and say, well, no,I wish my mom would have said
this or I wish my dad would havereacted this way.
How can we be that for our kidsas just like that can be just
the starting point, right?
You know, I mean, it may not befoolproof, but what a great
place to start just to even beaware of what we were needing at
(47:14):
their age and being able todemonstrate that to them.
SPEAKER_00 (47:18):
Yeah.
And then I think if you don'tknow what to do, because there
are times where, you know, it'ssending a our nervous system
into overdrive, right?
SPEAKER_01 (47:27):
Sure.
SPEAKER_00 (47:27):
We're already there and then they're losing it too
is like...
Taking deep breaths, believe itor not, is more than enough.
And if you need to visibly liketake that deep breath, they're
going to
SPEAKER_02 (47:53):
see that.
in in the most minimal way getus somewhat regulated and
grounded yes yeah and it's notalways gonna look perfect yeah
it's not and that's okay that'swhy we apologize that's why we
(48:15):
we have the repair you knowknowing how to repair whenever
we don't do it exactly the waythat we wish we had done it or
wish we had received when wewere kids we repair yeah
SPEAKER_00 (48:30):
yeah i know i i had to rip pair with my son the
other day.
I can't even recall whathappened.
I think we were all trying toget out of the house in the
morning and it was just chaos.
And we got in the car finally.
And I was like, Bubba, you know,I'm sorry.
I was impatient with you.
And he's, he's, he's very toughwith me, but love him.
He says to me, mommy, I'm mad atyou.
(48:51):
And I said, okay, yeah, with me.
So I think it's a matter ofletting us, our kids to like
have all their feelings, even ifthey're mad, you know, that's a
hard one too, because it breaksour heart.
SPEAKER_02 (49:01):
I But not fixing it, right?
I mean, I think that's the pieceI really want people to hear is
when you see anybody, anybodyhaving emotion, whether they're
four or 44, right?
It's not anybody's job to fixit, but just be with them,
right?
Maybe you get curious or maybeyou just sit with them and just
(49:25):
be with them in that.
I mean, that's a gift to do thatfor others, for sure.
It
SPEAKER_00 (49:32):
is.
My brain always goes back to,you consider that you can come
to me and share your And I'm notgoing to turn away.
Yeah.
I'm not going to tell you thatyou're crazy or you're
overreacting or that you've gotit wrong or don't think that
way.
(49:52):
I'm just going to be with youand say, I know.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, I had a really, thisis one of my, my, I think key
learning things like back when Iwas in grad school, I had a
professor tell a story.
And this isn't to like say thatanybody, anybody who does this,
like it's bad or wrong.
Right.
(50:13):
But she had said as a therapistthat she will never hand a
client a tissue.
The tissue's in the middle ofthe room.
SPEAKER_01 (50:22):
And if the
SPEAKER_00 (50:23):
client wants to take it, they can take it.
And the reason why was becauseshe never wanted to send the
message that your tears are toomuch.
Have all of your tears.
Let them just be.
I can handle them.
You don't need to wipe themaway.
And so that's what I think youcan kind of keep in your back
pocket.
It is like letting somebody thatwe love have all of their
(50:46):
emotions, even if it stirs up athousand things inside of us.
It's like, but I see you for allof you, even when you're not
your best self and I'm hereanyway and I'm not going
SPEAKER_02 (50:57):
anywhere.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's so good.
That's so good.
I mean, that's the takeawayright there.
That's what we can all do.
We all can do that.
We really, really can.
Okay, Alyssa.
So people are listening andthey're maybe resonating with
some of the things that you'resaying, they feel connected to
some of the things that you'resaying, what would you say their
(51:18):
first step should be if theyreally want to maybe dive into
finding healing from some oftheir, some of the past trauma
from parents growing up?
Like, what would you say theirfirst steps need to be?
What do they need to be awareof?
What would your encouragement befor those listening?
SPEAKER_00 (51:36):
So my encouragement would be to notice what's
happening in your body.
Your body, I mean, this is notmy quote here, but your body
knows before your mind does oranything else.
So your body is always going toclue you into where am I at?
(51:57):
Do I feel safe?
Do I feel not safe?
And your nervous system is goingto clue you into what is it that
I'm feeling?
What is it that do I need?
SPEAKER_01 (52:05):
And
SPEAKER_00 (52:06):
practicing grounding yourself in that way and caring
for yourself during those timeswhen your nervous system is
activated That's going to helpus from being reactive where we
can then be a little bit morecurious, make choices about how
we want to respond to things.
And now if you're noticing thatthat's really hard, because
(52:27):
sometimes when we look inwardand we're feeling now all of the
things in our nervous system,that in and of itself can be
really dysregulating.
So if that's really hard, thenit might be a matter of you're
really in your head very oftenand not connected to your body
so doing that was reallyshocking so it might mean
(52:49):
shifting your focus goingoutside watching or listening to
something funny or cute dogvideos or something cat videos
interrupting the thought processyou can focus on something else
until there's a sense of beingcalm and then having a safe
person that you can lean on and
SPEAKER_02 (53:09):
talk to you know yeah yeah just to be able to
have somebody experience thatwith you yeah okay okay and then
reach out to Alyssa
SPEAKER_01 (53:20):
she's
SPEAKER_02 (53:24):
a wealth of resources and knowledge and oh
my goodness this is so good isthere anything that we didn't
cover that you feel like isimportant to cover on this topic
before I ask my last question
SPEAKER_00 (53:36):
yeah I think you know especially like the
collective in and of itself wasborn off of like when we Mm-hmm.
(54:13):
we're we're working on our ownhealing and that's going to come
outward on with the people thatwe love and the people that we
see daily if we're having morepatience for ourselves yeah
we're going to have morepatience for other people right
more compassion for ourselveswe're going to have more
compassion for our parents
SPEAKER_02 (54:31):
yeah so true yeah well and so i think that's the
other thing you're sayingwithout saying it is if if
you're noticing hiccups in yourrelationships that's might be an
indicator that there's somework, not because of necessarily
you, but like what you're sayingis maybe if you're not being
patient with yourself, you'rehaving a harder time being
(54:54):
patient with others orcompassionate with yourself.
You're having a harder timebeing compassionate with others
that even noticing if there'ssome disconnect in some of your
closer relationships, there maybe some of these things at play
that need to be, you know,revealed and unpacked.
SPEAKER_00 (55:10):
Yeah.
Looking at life as if it's amirror, right?
Like everybody that we comeacross throughout our day and
conversations that we have, or Iactually have a funny story,
conversations that we have orinteractions, like we look at
that and we kind of like say,what is this showing me?
What is my internal reaction tothis showing me about myself?
(55:33):
Right.
And I will, I'll self-disclosehere to show you like what I
mean.
There was a while back, a few, Idon't know if it was a few
months ago, I was driving.
I was going somewhere thatshould not take me longer than
20 minutes on the worst day.
And it took me an hour.
And I had to get there because Ihad to be somewhere else by a
(55:55):
certain time.
And that place was like, I hadto go to Brooklyn, where I live,
which is kind of far, lots oftraffic.
So I was on a time crunch,right?
And it was almost as if everytime I made a left, I hit more
traffic.
Every time I made a right, Iwould go a different way to try
to get around to take adifferent route.
And every single turn I made,traffic.
(56:19):
And I was like, oh my goodness,getting obviously irritable or
impatient or nervous or scaredbecause I have somewhere I got
to be.
And I haven't been on my waythere yet.
And I'm like, wow, what is thisshowing me about my life?
Like, well, you know what?
Lately in my life, it's reallybothering me right now, this
whole situation, because latelyin my life, that's what it's
(56:40):
felt like every turn i take i'mhitting a wall right so okay
that is something that i couldlook at
SPEAKER_02 (56:48):
yeah
SPEAKER_00 (56:49):
my reaction to the traffic doesn't have to be
soberating inward like i shouldhave left earlier i should have
done this like we all do rightso if we look at those
situations in our life thatcause us to have these big
emotions um or distressingemotions even if they're not
huge we can look at that likesay what is this telling me
about my life or where I'm at orwhat I need instead of getting
(57:13):
judgmental and being stuck inthat anger.
SPEAKER_02 (57:15):
Yes.
Yeah.
Just be curious.
Just ask questions like youwould a friend.
SPEAKER_00 (57:19):
Yeah.
Just try and understand really.
SPEAKER_02 (57:22):
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, that's really good.
That's so good.
Okay.
So my last question, what do youdo to take care of yourself
well?
So
SPEAKER_00 (57:32):
I love this question and maybe it's really, I don't
know, it's really simple, but myfavorite thing to do at the end
of the day is sit in silence.
I have conversations all daylong and I'm taking information
in and feeling emotions all dayand I love it and I wouldn't
(57:53):
trade it for
SPEAKER_01 (57:54):
the
SPEAKER_00 (57:55):
world.
But by the end of the day,switching from therapist mode to
mom mode to wife mode, my earsare buzzing, I can feel it on my
skin and so it's just so nice tobe able to notice how loud the
silence is instead of all thenoise so that's my favorite
(58:16):
thing to do at the end of theday and That's so that's my
favorite thing.
But yoga is a big one for me.
And if you practice yoga,there's the whole like, yes, you
can practice yoga on your mat,or you can practice yoga in your
life.
Yeah, for me, I'm depending onthe day.
I'm either doing it just in mylife or on my medical.
(58:37):
So for me, those are my two.
And being around my people.
SPEAKER_02 (58:43):
Yes.
Yes.
So when you sit in silence, whatdoes that look like?
Like, what is what is that?
What does that to look like?
SPEAKER_00 (58:52):
Tell me more.
Tell me more.
Sit in a dark room by yourself.
Yeah, right.
Yeah, fair enough.
I have probably too many saltlamps in my house.
Okay.
And I love them.
I think I have one back here.
So I will turn on a few, not allof them, but a few.
(59:12):
And I will really sit and reador I'll sit and look at pictures
on my phone of my son
SPEAKER_01 (59:20):
or
SPEAKER_00 (59:20):
But I'm just appreciating the silence.
Like, I'm not on the phone.
I don't put the TV on.
I'm not really looking at reels.
But I am doing something morecalming like that where I don't
have to hear anything.
Yeah.
Like, there's nothing my earshave to pay attention to.
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (59:39):
Right.
Right.
So, I mean, you do virtualtherapy.
Do you work from home?
Right.
I do.
How do you do, is that one ofthe practices is like just
really sitting in your spacebefore you transition into home
life?
Is that tricky?
SPEAKER_00 (59:56):
Well, no, because I've had to learn how to kind of
compartmentalize my life.
Yeah.
So my schedule, my life, Ishould say, is really built out
by a schedule, my work life.
So I pretty much, and I'm prettystrict to how I schedule things.
So I use my have like an hour atthe end of my workday to just
(01:00:20):
decompress that's awesome okayAnd then I also do like, I
actually do 30 minute breaks formyself in between sessions and
breathe, write a note, eat, dowhatever it is, disconnect for
10 minutes.
So that's, I'm pretty strictwith those things.
SPEAKER_02 (01:00:41):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I've, I had to kind of stumblethrough what I needed after a
full client day and food isnumber one on the list.
My husband knows like soon as Iwalk in the door I must eat I
cannot function I'm not going tobe nice to anybody until I've
(01:01:01):
eaten something and just sat fora minute because yeah I mean
everything that you said justyou we love I love doing this I
love sitting in people'semotions but yeah you just feel
it you carry it it is I feelhonored to do the work and at
the end of the day I'm spent youknow I'm spent you're right like
(01:01:23):
my ears are All the things thatyou said, totally, I
SPEAKER_00 (01:01:28):
ended up with everything.
(01:01:53):
had before with another personlike that's so powerful yeah and
so I think that's the thing thatkeeps me grounded in like
there's a purpose here even onthe really hard days where every
client or every story is reallyhard it's like but that's the
reason why I'm doing this yeahbut yes the end of the day it's
I very much enjoy my clientswill ask me did you see this
(01:02:16):
movie or you ever watch a showand I'm like no oh my god you
know I I really don't watch thatmuch TV.
I watch– if I do, it's allreruns of Friends.
Yeah.
Gilmore Girls.
Things I've seen a thousandtimes.
Sure.
SPEAKER_02 (01:02:32):
Yeah.
Because they're easy.
They're easy to watch.
Doesn't take a lot of brainpower.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Okay.
Thank you so much.
Thanks for coming on and sharingall the things.
I mean, I feel like we couldhave like a part two, a part
three, a part four, especiallyon this topic.
But I'll definitely have tobring you back because I know
there's other things that wecould chat about.
(01:02:52):
But this was– This was soinformative.
This was so good.
I think people are really,they're just going to eat this
up.
They're going to eat all thisinformation up.
So I think they're going toreally appreciate it.
So thanks
SPEAKER_00 (01:03:02):
so much.
Thank you so much for having meand giving me a space to speak
and share my voice and myexperience.
And hopefully the listeners takesomething away from
SPEAKER_02 (01:03:14):
this.
Yeah.
So how can people find you?
If they want to connect withyou, they want to see more about
the work that you're doing, howcan they find you?
SPEAKER_00 (01:03:23):
The best way to find us is on our website.
We do have Instagram, but I'llbe honest, between it all, I'm
not on top of my Instagram, butyou can connect with us there.
Hopefully you're better at itsoon.
So it's atlivecollectivewellness, but our
website is the best place toreach us.
So that'swww.collective-therapy.com.
SPEAKER_02 (01:03:46):
Okay.
And we'll include all of that inthe show notes so people can
find
SPEAKER_00 (01:03:49):
you there.
All right, Alyssa.
SPEAKER_02 (01:03:50):
Thanks so much.
I just love this conversation somuch.
I feel like there was so muchdepth to it and so many themes
that I find in the therapy roomtalking to people specifically
when we're diving into family oforigin issues.
There's so many layers to thisconversation because
(01:04:13):
generational trauma is builtlayer upon layer.
If you're someone thatidentified with the content of
this conversation I hope youfeel empowered and equipped to
stop the generational patternsof hurt and trauma within your
life.
So much of this work isrecognizing our own emotions and
showing up for our emotionalselves through regulation and
then changing our innernarrative.
(01:04:35):
I know a lot of times when we'retalking about reparenting
ourselves that can sound kind ofweird or funny, but it truly is
powerful and work that's worthleaning into.
So I'm encouraging you here toshow up for yourselves, learn
what the generational patternsare and find out if you are
still participating in them sothat you can begin to And don't
(01:04:58):
forget to check out Alyssa'swebsite over at Collective
Therapy and Wellness, and I'veincluded the link in the show
notes.
My final words are, remember,especially when we're working
through healing fromgenerational trauma, that two
opposing thoughts can be true atthe same time.
(01:05:24):
Thank you so much.
(01:05:54):
I'd love to connect with you onInstagram.
Find me at Candice Frazier LPC.
Give the show a rating or reviewwherever you listen to podcasts.
This really helps get the showto more listeners in the world.
And I would be so grateful tosee what you all are loving.
Until next time, show kindnessto yourself and those around
you.
you
SPEAKER_02 (00:17):
There, and welcome to The Couch Next Door, where a
happy hour meets a therapysession.
I'm your host, Candice Frazier,a licensed professional
counselor.
Each week, I'm honored to have afriend come sit on my couch, and
we'll dive into an area ofmental health that is impacting
their world.
We'll definitely laugh, probablycry, and maybe go on a rant or
(00:39):
two, because we are all humansfull of emotions.
Come hang out with us.
Generational trauma isdefinitely a buzz term in the
mental health space, which iswhat makes it so important for
(01:01):
me to include it as a topic onmy podcast.
Alyssa Scarano is an LPC andfounder and clinical director of
the Collective Therapy andWellness Practice.
She's known for her empatheticand compassionate approach.
Alyssa views her work as aprofound privilege, an
opportunity to be invited intothe most intimate and vulnerable
(01:23):
parts of her clients' lives.
She specialized Self-compassion.
So in this conversation withAlyssa, we not only address how
(01:44):
to identify patterns ofgenerational trauma, but also
identify how we might still beparticipating in it.
This includes noticing our ownemotions, working towards
regulation of our emotions, andreparenting our inner child so
that the generational patternscan change.
Y'all, this is all covered inthis conversation that you're
about to listen to.
As you listen, I want you toremember something that Alyssa
(02:07):
mentioned several times.
Two opposing thoughts can beThis is a very important concept
to remember when we'readdressing generational trauma.
One more thing before we jumpinto my conversation.
I am officially on Substack.
So if you've been enjoying themental health content that I
share on the podcast, we cankeep those conversations going.
(02:29):
If you join the couch crew, dothat by subscribing to
Candice512.substack.com and allthe encouragement and content
will land straight in yourinbox.
You can find the link in theshow notes.
All right, y'all.
Here is my conversation withAlyssa.
(02:50):
Scorano.
Am I saying it right?
I feel like I'm saying it veryTexas.
SPEAKER_00 (02:55):
It's okay.
Scorano.
SPEAKER_02 (02:56):
Scorano.
Scorano.
Scorano.
Okay.
Like soprano, but Scorano.
Okay.
SPEAKER_00 (03:05):
I love it.
Yep.
SPEAKER_02 (03:06):
I don't
SPEAKER_00 (03:08):
know.
Dang it.
I've never heard that before, soI'm going to use that.
Okay.
Scorano.
SPEAKER_02 (03:16):
All right, Alyssa Scarano, thank you so much for
coming on The Couch Next Door.
I'm so excited for thisconversation.
SPEAKER_00 (03:21):
Thank you, Candice.
I'm so excited to be here.
SPEAKER_02 (03:24):
Well, tell us a little bit about yourself.
What are the things that we needto know to know about you?
You can tell us about yourfamily, your business.
What is there to know about you?
SPEAKER_00 (03:34):
Yeah, so my practice is very near and dear to my
heart.
It's really always been a visionof mine to kind of create this
like one stop like shop come andyou can have therapy or you can
(03:54):
be connected to a largercommunity, whether that's in
group counseling or in aworkshop or even just in a
virtual space through like achat room.
And you've get a little bit ofeverything, some mindfulness,
some yoga, some, you know,attention to what you put into
your body in forms of nutritionand making, you know, healthy
(04:14):
choices and, you know, that kindof thing.
Yeah.
(04:46):
Or just one of those things.
So we really wanted to justcreate a space where people can
feel like they belong.
And we're seeing for the wholeof who they are and offering
something that addresses eachpiece.
I love
SPEAKER_02 (05:00):
that.
So tell me, what is yourpractice name?
SPEAKER_00 (05:04):
The Collective Therapy and Wellness.
SPEAKER_02 (05:07):
The Collective Therapy and Wellness, which that
is exactly what it is.
What a perfect name.
SPEAKER_00 (05:11):
A bunch of us working together collectively
for the collective.
SPEAKER_02 (05:16):
Yeah.
And so what does that look likewhen you've got these various,
you know, various therapists,various like disciplines that
are working with a client?
How do y'all sort ofcollectively work together for
this, maybe one particularclient?
What
SPEAKER_00 (05:34):
does that tend to look like?
with one of the coaches, whichthey're actually licensed or
trained in their respectiveareas.
So self-love coach, she justworks on self-love, but she is a
(05:56):
licensed clinical social worker.
So her whole program is backedby like cognitive behavioral
therapy and political theory.
Our mindfulness meditationteacher is a registered yoga
teacher and certifiedmindfulness teacher.
And our nutritionist is acertified nutritionist.
And so you'll get, when you're acurrent client, you get access
to any workshop or group therapyoption that we offer at no cost.
(06:20):
You'll have access to any ofthose wellness packages at no
cost for, you know, like threeto five sessions with the coach.
If you want to branch off,that's, you know, a relationship
you build with the coach.
So we try to make it, you know,accessible.
Oh, I love
SPEAKER_02 (06:37):
that.
Wow.
I mean, it really is like aone-stop shop.
Like if you need multi-layeredtreatment or you don't, or just
one, I mean, there's a lot ofdifferent, it sounds like a lot
of different things people canbranch out into within your
practice.
That's so cool.
I love that.
And so tell me, which states doy'all serve?
Because like you said, there'smultiple states that are served
(07:01):
within your practice.
So what states can people befrom to access y'all's services?
SPEAKER_00 (07:09):
Yeah.
So if you want to work with acoach, you can work with a coach
no matter where you are.
But therapy-wise, We are rightnow, we're working with Florida,
Missouri.
I don't know why I know thislist off the back of my head.
Florida, Missouri, New Jersey,New York, and Texas.
Okay,
SPEAKER_02 (07:27):
awesome.
SPEAKER_00 (07:27):
Five states.
SPEAKER_02 (07:28):
That's
SPEAKER_00 (07:28):
great.
SPEAKER_02 (07:29):
I mean, I think that's the thing that COVID gave
us is more accessibility totherapy.
You know, I mean, COVID wasterrible.
And it also broadened this ideafor therapists to be able to
serve people not in their state.
And that was not something that,I mean, I never thought that
this would be like virtualtherapy would be like a
(07:52):
mainstream thing.
And I'm so thankful it is.
It just makes it so much moreaccessible for people.
SPEAKER_00 (07:58):
Yeah.
Because you can do it on yourlunch break or you can do it
before you go home from work ordepending on what your work
schedule is.
I mean, it just, it can moreseamlessly fit into your day,
into your week.
I know.
Yeah.
It just makes it that much moreaccessible versus having to
figure out who's going to watchthe kids.
And you know,
SPEAKER_02 (08:24):
an hour away is more like two hours.
(08:45):
with the people and there's notas many restrictions as there
was once was so so cool I loveit love what you're doing thank
you yeah okay and you aremarried and you have a one child
correct okay nice so your lifeis full because of running a
(09:06):
practice is like you know havinga baby
SPEAKER_00 (09:08):
yes it's funny because I do look at it like it
is my second child absolutely
SPEAKER_02 (09:15):
yeah Yeah,
SPEAKER_00 (09:16):
I joke around, but it's true.
Like it took me, I want to saynine to 10 months to like write
the copy of my original websiteand to get that up and running
from the inside out.
That's it.
(09:45):
Or whatever it is that you'redoing, like a listener here is
doing, if you are anentrepreneur yourself, it's
like, if you're really connectedand present with the prep, with
the business, it's going to tellyou what it needs next.
Like, where are you at?
What is it needing?
What is it struggling with?
And where can it benefit fromsome more support?
(10:06):
And just
SPEAKER_02 (10:07):
like with kids.
Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (10:08):
So
SPEAKER_02 (10:09):
yeah, we have to be present and listen to what the
business needs, for sure.
And have the capacity, right, tothen meet that need.
SPEAKER_00 (10:15):
Yeah.
Give yourselves grace the wholeway.
Trust in the process.
So
SPEAKER_02 (10:21):
true.
So true.
All right, Alyssa.
Well, do you have a rant for ustoday that you'd like to go on?
Okay.
SPEAKER_00 (10:29):
Adulting.
SPEAKER_02 (10:31):
Adulting.
Yes.
SPEAKER_00 (10:34):
When you're young, you're in such a rush, such a
rush to grow up and like haveall this freedom.
And then, yeah, you become anadult and you realize like I am
more– trapped than I ever wasyou know 100% like this was all
a scam and I want my money backlike all I'm doing is working to
(10:57):
pay the bills which then I justhave to work to continue to live
right
SPEAKER_02 (11:04):
yes when does the fun part happen that's what I
would like to
SPEAKER_00 (11:10):
know right
SPEAKER_02 (11:11):
yeah
SPEAKER_00 (11:11):
I'm
SPEAKER_02 (11:12):
still
SPEAKER_00 (11:12):
waiting
SPEAKER_02 (11:12):
well and I mean just I I mean, we could go on and on
about just the cost of adulting.
Like, I just put four new tireson my minivan.
Like, that would be kind of amini vacation.
But no, I had to put tires on myvan to get these kids where they
need to go.
(11:33):
Yeah,
SPEAKER_00 (11:34):
same.
We just replaced all the tireson my car, and now the brakes
need to be replaced.
And then I renewed theregistration, and now I got an
alert that it's time for aninspection.
And I'm like, when?
SPEAKER_02 (11:45):
When does it stop?
I know.
I know.
I know.
And I feel like every time, likeif we have a little extra money,
it then goes to somethingrelated to being an adult.
It's not like a shopping spreeor a fun vacation.
It's tires, toilet paper, youknow, a car inspection.
SPEAKER_00 (12:07):
Yep.
Yeah.
And thankfully, right?
Thankfully that is how, youknow, it works out somehow.
Sometimes, yeah.
Yeah.
yeah it's but I don't know Iwish I would have known like
something I tell young peoplenow or younger people is don't
be in such a rush like you'reonly a kid for like a short
(12:28):
amount of time like not even 18years like 17 maybe you know
then you're an adult and that'sit well
SPEAKER_02 (12:38):
and I know I think that's really even good that
you're speaking to that toobecause I think also in our
culture now I think even when Iwas growing up, it was like, you
need to figure out what you'regoing to do.
You need to figure out whatyou're going to do.
But I feel like it's even worsenow.
I have a kid going into highschool this coming year, and
they have these things nowcalled pathways, which is
(12:58):
essentially you're picking amajor for high school.
And I'm like, he's 14.
He doesn't know.
I didn't know at 18.
Do you know how many times Ichanged my major?
So what are we doing to thesekids, making them decide what
they want to do for the rest oflives when their brains are not
even close to being fullyformed.
SPEAKER_00 (13:21):
Yeah.
Yeah.
For all those years.
Right.
They're told who to be, how toact, what to do and how to do
it.
SPEAKER_02 (13:26):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (13:27):
And all of a sudden it's like, OK, pick like how you
don't even
SPEAKER_02 (13:31):
know who you are in the world.
There's too many options to likebecause I mean, I think that's
also a good narrative is you cando anything you want to do.
But
SPEAKER_00 (13:39):
that's really
SPEAKER_02 (13:40):
overwhelming.
SPEAKER_00 (13:42):
Yeah.
And, you know, you do have topick it so quickly.
Right.
Like before you even have had aminute to, you know, just get
out Yeah.
And then you think like, okay,well, what's the alternative?
Not having that be part of theconversation?
Like, no, but to have it figuredout at that age and for it to be
the thing, like how many of usas adults really have all kind
(14:05):
of looked back at one point andfeeling, we should have done
something different.
SPEAKER_02 (14:10):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Well, and I also think becauseof like this idea, like you were
saying, we're, you know, kidsbeing so quick to want to grow
up.
Like, I think there's alsomental opportunity to go explore
the world, right?
Like to go explore yourself inthe world because you got to
graduate high school and thenyou got to go to college and
then you got to go get a job andthen, you know, move up the
(14:32):
corporate ladder or whatever itis that there isn't that time
and space necessarily that'sencouraged to go figure yourself
out so that you can have livedexperiences to then know what
you actually want to do.
So I love that.
That's such good advice.
Yeah.
If you're graduating highschool, go like, I don't know
your parents probably will hateme for saying this but like go
(14:54):
explore like go to Europe Idon't know go do something fun
because you know there will be atime when you just it's harder
to do that
SPEAKER_00 (15:03):
yep yep and you know I think the other thing is is
like if you're if you're alsonot sure and that's not an
option like take classes thatinterest you yeah you know right
because I'm a big believer of ifyou're interested in it you're
gonna find something you knowalong the way and don't let
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah.
(15:23):
And I
SPEAKER_02 (15:32):
mean, I think some of that too is like exploring
some of those like inventoriesof like figuring out what you're
good at.
Like you said, if there'ssomething that interests you,
okay, maybe that's somethingthat you can actually make a
career out of.
Let's explore what parts of thatyou really like.
But I don't know that they dothat.
Yeah, no, that's
SPEAKER_00 (15:57):
a good point.
I don't remember that.
I don't know that they do thatnow, like those assessments in
terms of like strengths and, youknow, what field might you be,
you know, suited for and thingslike that.
That would be really smart
SPEAKER_02 (16:09):
to incorporate.
Okay.
Okay.
So the rant is, if you're young,don't rush to grow up.
It's not all it's cracked up tobe.
SPEAKER_01 (16:18):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (16:20):
no and how nice would it be to like hold on to
that like innocence and naivetya little bit longer you know and
one of the reasons I like I havea four-year-old and I'm like
just where our whole life isabout imagination yeah I can't
I'm not ready to let it go yeah
SPEAKER_02 (16:42):
yeah yeah well and I think that is that is one of the
the gifts of parenting too itdoes kind of help us to to
connect with our younger selvesagain almost like gives us more
permission to do that than if weweren't in that world so I love
that that does give us a littlebit of a relief from all the
(17:02):
adulting when we have littlekids around yeah yeah okay which
I think this is a great segueactually to what we're talking
about today isn't it withgenerational trauma so I you
know we we got to meet and chatwhat about a month or so ago and
(17:23):
I felt like our conversation wasjust so easy and I know a lot of
the work that you do is allaround relationships which I
that's some of the my favoritework to do with clients is just
really digging into whatrelationships look like how can
they be healthy how can you behonored and also honor those
around you really well and so Iknow something that you and I
(17:44):
spoke about when we first metwas the work that you do with
clients around generationaltrauma and so can you tell us a
little bit about like what Imean I think that's kind of a
buzzword a lot of people arehearing generational trauma what
does that really mean like whatwhat what kind of things should
we be aware of that mightindicate there's general
(18:05):
generational trauma going on I
SPEAKER_00 (18:09):
think the way to really answer that is like first
like let's talk about how it allcomes to be right like and the
truth is is that when we go backto our family of origin and we
look at what are the dynamicsthat I saw?
What are the dynamics that Ikind of was exposed to and then
inadvertently participated in,in some way, shape or form,
right?
(18:29):
If I was like the peacekeeper orthe officer of compliance and
like just never really pushedboundaries or spoke up, or if I,
you know, over-functioned as akid to manage everybody else's
emotions because there was somuch conflict at home, like that
is a role that I learned to playvery young.
(18:50):
You know, if I had Right.
(19:20):
our own, what shapes our ownself-talk, right?
Is it often comes from the wayour caregivers, our attachment
figures or authority figuresspoke to and of us.
That becomes the language thatwe develop or learn to describe
ourselves.
And so, you know, the way we seeour parents or caregivers
interact, right?
(19:41):
That is the idea of love, orthat is how conflict is either
handled or not handled.
And so we're talking aboutgenerational trauma.
It's what happens in childhood,right?
The way our parents act orrespond in times of stressor or
conflict or how even like thingslike money are viewed, right?
(20:01):
If money was always scarce,right?
And it was always something thatyou had to work really hard to
obtain.
And as soon as it came, it left,right?
That can become the narrative ofwhat it means for money or
financial stability growing upas you grow up into adulthood
for yourself.
Now, our parents, you know,behavior, right, came from what
(20:22):
their childhood was.
And things just get carried onand carried on and carried on.
And where we, I think, sometimesdon't see it truthfully is in
our relationships.
And, you know, let's say thatyou grew up in a house where
mom, I mean, this is just anexample, maybe mom did
(20:43):
everything for everybody.
And dad, I'm making this one up,but like dad was kind of there.
but providing and things likethat and maybe that caused
distance between mom and dad youknow you might go on as the
woman and be the same way inyour relationship and then
there's distance in yourrelationship with your husband
(21:04):
and it comes out as anger andresentment irritability but
really that's like I don't knowhow to ask for help
SPEAKER_02 (21:13):
right because I don't even know what that looks
like because that's not everwhat I saw yeah
SPEAKER_00 (21:19):
I'd be a burden if I did ask for help.
And so, yeah, breaking thatgenerational pattern is first
like learning, like, what is thepattern?
How and why am I stillparticipating in it, right?
Because at the same time,there's something I'm getting
out of it.
So if we're using that exampleof over-functioning,
SPEAKER_01 (21:39):
well,
SPEAKER_00 (21:40):
strengthen that, right?
Like, I'm strong.
I don't need anybody.
So perhaps that's the thingthat's keeping it in place.
And Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (22:20):
what I observed maybe my father to do with my
mother and maybe that's notactually what my partner is is
wanting to do in therelationship but it it like you
said it's almost like I don'twant that pattern to continue
and it doesn't necessarily haveto but I don't know how else I
don't know how to change thepattern because that's just what
I know um yeah and it justcontinues if if we aren't aware
(22:45):
of those things right
SPEAKER_00 (22:46):
right and you know I mean and so it can show up in in
those little, more little ways.
But, you know, depending on theintensity of what you maybe
witness at home, right?
I mean, if there was neglect orabuse of any kind, right?
Like that causes a consequenceof something internally.
And then we carry that with usif it's unhealed, you know?
(23:10):
And we try to heal it sometimesif we're not connected to like
what effect it had on us.
We try to heal it through ourfuture relationship.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (23:50):
it can be very interesting once somebody
becomes a parent, right?
Where sometimes that's where theawareness of these cycles,
patterns come up.
But just in the work that you dowith your clients, when do you
start to maybe notice this andhow do you bring that up,
especially if somebody's notaware of how this generational
(24:11):
trauma has been impacting them?
SPEAKER_00 (24:12):
Yeah.
So Candice, I think for me, I'mlike day one doing my assessment
and tell me about your family oforigin.
Did you have a sister, brother?
What was your relationship withmom or dad or whoever took care
of you?
And so from the beginning, we'rekind of, at least with me, we're
looking at it, who you are basedon where you've been, what's
(24:37):
been the story, what are thepatterns and themes, what are
the protective mechanisms,right?
And how are they still kind ofpulling at you, those protective
mechanisms, right?
What are the learning of myselfthat, you know, based on those
experiences and how is thataffecting what I'm struggling
with today and now.
(24:58):
So for me, I'm kind of likedoing an initial assessment
based on that little bit of aninterview, you know, in
bite-sized pieces.
We're not necessarily divingright in.
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (25:10):
Tell me all about your family, but you're getting
a picture of where they've comefrom and even like you're saying
the role that they probablyplayed within their family
system.
because that's gonna inform youas to maybe what's going on in
the now.
SPEAKER_00 (25:24):
Yeah, so yeah.
And so it starts out like, okay,what brings you here now?
And then keeping that in mindbased upon the history, it kind
of connects certain dots, right?
So if someone came in andthey're like, I'm really having
a hard time with my spouse andthis has been the struggle, that
has been the struggle.
And I'll keep that in mind whenwe talk about, well, what has
(25:48):
your experience with conflict orcommunication been throughout
your life?
And how come it's hard tocommunicate now?
What's coming up?
SPEAKER_02 (25:56):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (25:59):
I don't know if that answers your question.
SPEAKER_02 (26:00):
No, it totally does.
Yeah.
Well, so the thing that I'mthinking of, because I hear this
a lot, and I wonder if you do aswell, I'll have clients that
will come in and they may saysomething to the effect of, I'm
not blaming my parents.
I don't need to blame everythingon my parents, right?
What do you say to that?
Because, you know, I mean, Idon't want to say everybody's
(26:23):
got generational trauma, but Ido think that there are
patterns, like you're saying,that come up for us and roles
that we play in our family, goodor bad, you know, I mean, or
neutral.
It just is.
That's part of what a familysystem is.
We all sort of play a role inthat.
So what do you say to somebodythat may say, well, why are we
(26:44):
always blaming the parents?
Like, why is it always theparents' fault for what my
children are doing?
Because
SPEAKER_00 (26:53):
I think that's the early learning environment.
Those are your first people thatlike really you learn how to say
your first words, how to takeyour first steps.
Right.
Like, I mean, I make a joke withmy clients with friends is like
babies don't even know how tofart yet.
SPEAKER_02 (27:13):
Right.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (27:14):
We rely on our caregivers for every everything.
Basic needs middle.
of our learning so I think it'seasy to blame our parents right
but then the other side of it islike no no no i love my parents
right like yeah i don't want tohave these feelings about them
because i love them and like thething is like you know right
(27:36):
candace like two things canexist three things exist
SPEAKER_01 (27:40):
exactly yeah
SPEAKER_00 (27:41):
like we can have all of our feelings about what
happened or didn't happen whatneeds or wounds happen and i
think that the healing ispossible when we say okay well
mom and dad they only had acertain amount of tools or what
their toolbox looked a certainway also for reasons yeah and in
(28:01):
some ways they were also still awounded child
SPEAKER_02 (28:05):
at
SPEAKER_00 (28:06):
the time when they were trying to parent and maybe
they had less resources like nowmental health is everywhere yeah
yeah yeah we've got google backwhen our my parents were younger
they had they didn't haveiphones and you know it was
paper maps or right right
SPEAKER_02 (28:22):
right yeah
SPEAKER_01 (28:23):
and
SPEAKER_00 (28:23):
So in older generations, it was very much
about just sun up to sundown,pull yourself up by your
bootstraps and keep moving.
You don't have time for yourtears.
So I think it's easy to blame,but it's also not the whole
story.
Have all of your feelingsbecause they deserved space then
(28:45):
and they deserve space now, butwe don't have to hold the ax
over our head.
Yeah.
Whether our parents are in ourlives
SPEAKER_02 (29:04):
or not, because sometimes that's the decision
too.
And, you know, what struggleswere they going through?
(29:25):
Not to excuse anything thatmaybe came up for us as
children, but, you know, itisn't just, it's not a one
dimensional story.
It's not a one dimensional thingthat's happening.
There's a lot of layers here.
And just even, I mean, beingable to go to therapy and talk
through those layers createsthat understanding so that, like
you're saying, you can findhealing, not only for yourself,
(29:48):
but maybe even compassion foryour parents, whatever that
might look like.
SPEAKER_00 (29:53):
Right.
And it's definitely hard, right?
Because connecting with that canbe like, well, if I did, I have
to be, it's going to strike upthis sadness.
And that's really hard to sitwith.
And it's like, but maybe youwere sad then, right?
And if you look at a little kidwho's not you, right?
But maybe has the same story,like, would you say the same
(30:16):
thing to them?
So- I think it's about havingall of our feelings and knowing
that you can be mad about howsomething happened.
You can be hurt.
You can be sad.
But it doesn't mean that likeyou are, you know, ungrateful
child.
It also doesn't mean that theydon't have to be in your lives
(30:38):
anymore.
You know, it just means thatyou're healing.
Exactly.
SPEAKER_02 (30:44):
Yeah.
I mean, I love that you saidlike multiple things can exist
at one time.
And I think, I mean, gosh, thatis the truest statement
especially when we're talkingabout this work because there is
there can be so much at play andI know something that I read in
the form that you filled outjust the importance of sitting
with your clients in theirfeelings because I mean and
(31:07):
that's one of the things I tellmy clients all the time this is
that's some of the hardest stuffI have to ask them to do is just
sit in those feelingsacknowledge them we've got to
just know that they're there andcall them what they are and be
in that because that is how wemove through them.
But man, that's hard to do,especially when you weren't
(31:29):
shown how to do that orencouraged how to do that or
even knowing what feelings arein the first place.
SPEAKER_00 (31:35):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And, you know, that I think whenpeople come to therapy, right,
they're like, okay, what do Ido?
SPEAKER_01 (31:43):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (31:44):
Fix me, right?
Right.
I'll kind of like, depending onthe situation, I'll kind of be
like, well, Okay, pat yourselfon the head, you know, and do
six turns to the left and sixturns to the right.
(32:20):
Right.
Is it like, come on, we don'thave time for this.
Is that the message that I havegrowing up?
Or stop crying, stop or yellingor getting punished.
Like, was that the reactiongrowing up?
So it's a matter of like whenyou're having your feelings and
maybe it's over somethingcompletely different, right,
(32:40):
than childhood.
It's about something else.
I'm going to sit with you whileyou're having those feelings and
I'm not going to look away.
I'm not going to talk to you.
out of them right i'm not gonnasay don't feel that way right
that's the thing that everybodysays when they're trying to be
helpful don't think that wayyeah
SPEAKER_02 (32:57):
be happy be happy look at all the wonderful things
in your life right
SPEAKER_00 (33:00):
yeah right or oh the my my favorite you should be
SPEAKER_02 (33:03):
happy yeah
SPEAKER_00 (33:06):
you should be grateful that's so much shame
there um but i'm not going totell you that you're wrong i'm
not going to you know shy awaylook away and the Like I'm with
you looking at you and I'mmodeling like peace by being
(33:28):
non-reactive.
And, you know, even if I feelwhat you're feeling in the
moment and I'm calling it out,like I'm listening to this and I
can't help but feel so much hurtlike in my belly, in my heart,
because that's what I'm tryingto do is connect you to that.
Maybe that part of you thatlearned to shut off.
(33:50):
And I think that's really, oncewe build up a comfort with all
of our emotions, we no longerhave to hide or shut down or
self-abandon or shame ourselves,all those things we learned how
to do.
Right,
SPEAKER_02 (34:03):
right.
Yeah, we can actually lean intothem, get to know what we're
feeling.
And so then we know what weneed.
Yeah,
SPEAKER_00 (34:12):
that's my favorite one.
That's my favorite way oftalking about it too, is like
our emotions as indicators ofwhat you need.
Yes, yeah, yeah.
You're angry, so you wentthrough something unfair,
something unjust.
You need kindness maybe, right?
Fairness.
love you know so whatconsidering that like okay your
feelings were never bad it washow they were responded to
(34:35):
because maybe the person thatwas there didn't know how to
respond to them right and towhat extent right yeah yeah so
good
SPEAKER_02 (34:44):
god that's so good and it's so hard like I just
want to validate that too likeespecially you know what
Alyssa's saying like if that wasnot something that was
encouraged or modeled the ideaof sitting in that feels deeply
uncomfortable Deeplyuncomfortable.
And that's some of the mostbeautiful work in therapy,
though, is to get to see peoplein that discomfort work really
(35:10):
hard to still stay in that.
It is.
It's so hard, but it's so worthit.
And that's what I try toencourage clients to.
I know this feels souncomfortable.
And I'm not expecting you toever feel comfortable, but we're
going to get more comfortablewith this.
SPEAKER_00 (35:28):
Right?
Well, and I think at least wedon't have because every time
that we've shut off a piece, oneemotion or a piece of it, we
start to numb all of it.
Yes, exactly.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And now, like, if you don't knowsadness, it's gonna be really
hard to recognize happiness orjoy.
And then there's just goingthrough life, like, just lost in
(35:52):
the sauce waiting for somethinggood to happen when it maybe
there is something good.
I'm just not connecting to it.
Yeah,
SPEAKER_02 (35:57):
yeah, absolutely.
Absolutely.
So tell us a little bit aboutlike, this idea of rewriting the
inner narrative, maybe this ideaof reparenting to help promote
healing.
I know this is like, really alot of the work to do when we're
talking about generationaltrauma.
(36:18):
So what is that?
I mean, and it may just mean Iknow this, we could probably
talk for hours on what thislooks like.
But if that is a new concept forpeople, What do they need to
know about what that work lookslike?
SPEAKER_00 (36:32):
Yeah.
So rewriting the narrative,that's where you're looking at
the reflexive like beliefsystems and maybe they're more
subconscious.
We're not aware of them, but itcould have been like, you know,
looking back at the roles,right?
I, my job growing up was to makeeverybody laugh because there
was so much conflict, right?
Okay.
(36:53):
Well, I don't have to, rewritingthe narrative means like telling
yourself, like, I don't haveMm-hmm.
(37:28):
Or, you know, so I had to dowell, otherwise I would get
punished or I would get shunnedor I wouldn't get any attention.
You don't have to perform inorder to feel loved or be loved,
I should say.
You're always worthy of that.
(37:58):
spouse or whoever we are, right,in our lives.
I dropped the ball or I failedat something.
You know, the feeling that I'mleft with is maybe like sadness
or disappointment.
I can meet myself there andreparent myself through that
sadness and disappointment.
What do you need, right, in thatmoment to feel comforted?
(38:20):
I'm going to give that tomyself.
So I think it starts withrewriting the narrative or the
belief system of like, I don'thave to be the peacekeeper in
order to be loved or not have toperform in order to be loved.
I always deserve that.
So right now I feel really sadbecause I'm not getting that.
I feel really angry because Idon't have that in my life.
(38:42):
How can I give it to myself?
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (38:45):
So where do you see the first step of this work?
Is it the recognizing youremotions or is it really
understanding what your role waswithin the Yeah,
SPEAKER_00 (38:58):
true.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
(39:28):
in reaction right which is wherewe yell or we get mad at
ourselves or we pull away rightanything that's reflexive to the
situation if we're just kind ofcentered and grounded right then
we can start getting into likewhat some of that introspective
work of like what am I feelingwhat are my feelings telling me
(39:48):
about what I need you know isthat is this that old story
getting stirred up again becausethere's something sticky there
um and What do I need right nowin order to move forward?
SPEAKER_02 (40:03):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
And so with this idea ofreparenting, and you mentioned
it a moment ago, even being ableto visualize a child or a child
that you know, how would youspeak to them?
And I've been able to sort ofwalk clients through with that
(40:23):
idea because when I say, well,this three-year-old that is in
your life that you love so much?
Could you ever imagine speakingto her in that way?
And they're like, oh, absolutelynot.
But yet, that's the way thatthey're speaking to themselves
within that inner narrative.
And so even just like trying topull them out of that and see
(40:44):
that from a differentperspective, you know, giving
them that option of visualizinghow would you speak to a child,
because they would never speakto somebody else like that.
But they do that to themselvesall the time.
SPEAKER_00 (41:00):
Right, right.
And consider, right, when you'rein that emotional, big emotional
state, that reactive state,right?
That's dysregulation.
That might as well be thatthree-year-old, four-year-old,
like having a really hard timeemotionally with something,
right?
Am I in that scenario going toyell at myself and expect to
(41:20):
feel better or just stop or justshut off?
Or like, maybe that's what I wastaught to do with this stuff,
but that's not Yeah.
(41:57):
to I think help is if we are thegrounded ones if you're
maintaining calm right and youdon't even have to be saying
anything but you're in the roomwith them and you're saying like
I'm here I see you I'm with yougranted within safety like I'm
not I'm with you but you kind ofhit me right but I'm with you
(42:22):
you don't need to hit if they'rea little kid you don't need to
hit for me to see that you're inpain right Right.
And you're staying calm.
That's called co-regulation.
Right.
You're showing someone or achild that I you know, you can
have your emotion.
You're not alone.
And it's going to pass.
I'm modeling that just calmnessfor you as well.
If you think of that now, right,that's an external.
(42:46):
It's like that's what we want todo for ourselves.
I can have this experience, butI don't need to react to it.
SPEAKER_02 (42:54):
That's good.
(43:24):
Right there for all that
SPEAKER_00 (43:30):
you're talking about.
That's huge.
(43:54):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (43:55):
Yeah.
Okay.
I know I'm going to have parentslistening thinking, oh gosh, am
I repeating generational trauma?
Am I continuing this with mykids?
And we're not going to beperfect, right?
Like there are going to be timeswhen we are dysregulated and we
still have some place to go andwe need to get this kid in the
car, whatever, right?
Whatever the circumstances are.
(44:16):
So what would you say to thepeople that are listening that
are parents that are like, ohcrap, what am I doing to my
child?
SPEAKER_00 (44:24):
Yeah.
I'm a parent, so I get it.
Yes.
This is hard.
We can love our child.
Remember, two things.
Yes.
We can love our children, butalso want to put them on the
roof, not actually going to.
No, but have the thought.
Yeah, of course.
Yeah.
Doesn't mean we're actuallygoing to, but you know, they
drive us too.
That's okay.
(44:44):
That doesn't make you a badparent.
I think the thing that we cando, right, is knowing that,
okay, I don't have to be thefixer they're having an emotion
I can sit with them through thatbut I don't have to fix it I
don't have to stop it yeah benice if I could prevent the
tantrum don't get me wrong surebut I don't have control over
(45:06):
that just as much as I don'thave control over something
right
SPEAKER_02 (45:09):
but maybe their feelings are informing us of how
to prevent it in the futuremaybe maybe not I mean they're
irrational when they're upsetbut that also could be an
informant
SPEAKER_00 (45:21):
right I mean if you think about it side note it's
like what do we all Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
(45:54):
Right.
Or I want to let them know thatI see them and I hear them and
they're not bad or not wrong.
Like it could be even astatement of like, I don't want
to repeat this pattern.
I needed that when I was a kid.
Let me be that.
SPEAKER_01 (46:11):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (46:12):
So some sort of anchoring thought that can
ground you in that moment can behelpful because it could, it
very much is for kids thatthey're trying to communicate
something to us through theirbehavior.
And if they're screaming ordoing something like that, maybe
there's something I'm not seeingbecause they don't have the
language to tell me.
SPEAKER_02 (46:33):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, and even I love the ideaof a grounding thought of what
can I be for my kids that maybeI needed?
Yeah.
Yes.
Yes.
Because I mean, that speaks toour hearts.
Like we know in our own beingswhat we wish we would have had,
right?
(46:53):
I mean, whether you you've donetherapy or not, you could
probably sit and say, well, no,I wish my mom would have said
this or I wish my dad would havereacted this way.
How can we be that for our kidsas just like that can be just
the starting point, right?
You know, I mean, it may not befoolproof, but what a great
place to start just to even beaware of what we were needing at
(47:14):
their age and being able todemonstrate that to them.
SPEAKER_00 (47:18):
Yeah.
And then I think if you don'tknow what to do, because there
are times where, you know, it'ssending a our nervous system
into overdrive, right?
SPEAKER_01 (47:27):
Sure.
SPEAKER_00 (47:27):
We're already there and then they're losing it too
is like...
Taking deep breaths, believe itor not, is more than enough.
And if you need to visibly liketake that deep breath, they're
going to
SPEAKER_02 (47:53):
see that.
in in the most minimal way getus somewhat regulated and
grounded yes yeah and it's notalways gonna look perfect yeah
it's not and that's okay that'swhy we apologize that's why we
(48:15):
we have the repair you knowknowing how to repair whenever
we don't do it exactly the waythat we wish we had done it or
wish we had received when wewere kids we repair yeah
SPEAKER_00 (48:30):
yeah i know i i had to rip pair with my son the
other day.
I can't even recall whathappened.
I think we were all trying toget out of the house in the
morning and it was just chaos.
And we got in the car finally.
And I was like, Bubba, you know,I'm sorry.
I was impatient with you.
And he's, he's, he's very toughwith me, but love him.
He says to me, mommy, I'm mad atyou.
(48:51):
And I said, okay, yeah, with me.
So I think it's a matter ofletting us, our kids to like
have all their feelings, even ifthey're mad, you know, that's a
hard one too, because it breaksour heart.
SPEAKER_02 (49:01):
I But not fixing it, right?
I mean, I think that's the pieceI really want people to hear is
when you see anybody, anybodyhaving emotion, whether they're
four or 44, right?
It's not anybody's job to fixit, but just be with them,
right?
Maybe you get curious or maybeyou just sit with them and just
(49:25):
be with them in that.
I mean, that's a gift to do thatfor others, for sure.
It
SPEAKER_00 (49:32):
is.
My brain always goes back to,you consider that you can come
to me and share your And I'm notgoing to turn away.
Yeah.
I'm not going to tell you thatyou're crazy or you're
overreacting or that you've gotit wrong or don't think that
way.
(49:52):
I'm just going to be with youand say, I know.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, I had a really, thisis one of my, my, I think key
learning things like back when Iwas in grad school, I had a
professor tell a story.
And this isn't to like say thatanybody, anybody who does this,
like it's bad or wrong.
Right.
(50:13):
But she had said as a therapistthat she will never hand a
client a tissue.
The tissue's in the middle ofthe room.
SPEAKER_01 (50:22):
And if the
SPEAKER_00 (50:23):
client wants to take it, they can take it.
And the reason why was becauseshe never wanted to send the
message that your tears are toomuch.
Have all of your tears.
Let them just be.
I can handle them.
You don't need to wipe themaway.
And so that's what I think youcan kind of keep in your back
pocket.
It is like letting somebody thatwe love have all of their
(50:46):
emotions, even if it stirs up athousand things inside of us.
It's like, but I see you for allof you, even when you're not
your best self and I'm hereanyway and I'm not going
SPEAKER_02 (50:57):
anywhere.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's so good.
That's so good.
I mean, that's the takeawayright there.
That's what we can all do.
We all can do that.
We really, really can.
Okay, Alyssa.
So people are listening andthey're maybe resonating with
some of the things that you'resaying, they feel connected to
some of the things that you'resaying, what would you say their
(51:18):
first step should be if theyreally want to maybe dive into
finding healing from some oftheir, some of the past trauma
from parents growing up?
Like, what would you say theirfirst steps need to be?
What do they need to be awareof?
What would your encouragement befor those listening?
SPEAKER_00 (51:36):
So my encouragement would be to notice what's
happening in your body.
Your body, I mean, this is notmy quote here, but your body
knows before your mind does oranything else.
So your body is always going toclue you into where am I at?
(51:57):
Do I feel safe?
Do I feel not safe?
And your nervous system is goingto clue you into what is it that
I'm feeling?
What is it that do I need?
SPEAKER_01 (52:05):
And
SPEAKER_00 (52:06):
practicing grounding yourself in that way and caring
for yourself during those timeswhen your nervous system is
activated That's going to helpus from being reactive where we
can then be a little bit morecurious, make choices about how
we want to respond to things.
And now if you're noticing thatthat's really hard, because
(52:27):
sometimes when we look inwardand we're feeling now all of the
things in our nervous system,that in and of itself can be
really dysregulating.
So if that's really hard, thenit might be a matter of you're
really in your head very oftenand not connected to your body
so doing that was reallyshocking so it might mean
(52:49):
shifting your focus goingoutside watching or listening to
something funny or cute dogvideos or something cat videos
interrupting the thought processyou can focus on something else
until there's a sense of beingcalm and then having a safe
person that you can lean on and
SPEAKER_02 (53:09):
talk to you know yeah yeah just to be able to
have somebody experience thatwith you yeah okay okay and then
reach out to Alyssa
SPEAKER_01 (53:20):
she's
SPEAKER_02 (53:24):
a wealth of resources and knowledge and oh
my goodness this is so good isthere anything that we didn't
cover that you feel like isimportant to cover on this topic
before I ask my last question
SPEAKER_00 (53:36):
yeah I think you know especially like the
collective in and of itself wasborn off of like when we Mm-hmm.
(54:13):
we're we're working on our ownhealing and that's going to come
outward on with the people thatwe love and the people that we
see daily if we're having morepatience for ourselves yeah
we're going to have morepatience for other people right
more compassion for ourselveswe're going to have more
compassion for our parents
SPEAKER_02 (54:31):
yeah so true yeah well and so i think that's the
other thing you're sayingwithout saying it is if if
you're noticing hiccups in yourrelationships that's might be an
indicator that there's somework, not because of necessarily
you, but like what you're sayingis maybe if you're not being
patient with yourself, you'rehaving a harder time being
(54:54):
patient with others orcompassionate with yourself.
You're having a harder timebeing compassionate with others
that even noticing if there'ssome disconnect in some of your
closer relationships, there maybe some of these things at play
that need to be, you know,revealed and unpacked.
SPEAKER_00 (55:10):
Yeah.
Looking at life as if it's amirror, right?
Like everybody that we comeacross throughout our day and
conversations that we have, or Iactually have a funny story,
conversations that we have orinteractions, like we look at
that and we kind of like say,what is this showing me?
What is my internal reaction tothis showing me about myself?
(55:33):
Right.
And I will, I'll self-disclosehere to show you like what I
mean.
There was a while back, a few, Idon't know if it was a few
months ago, I was driving.
I was going somewhere thatshould not take me longer than
20 minutes on the worst day.
And it took me an hour.
And I had to get there because Ihad to be somewhere else by a
(55:55):
certain time.
And that place was like, I hadto go to Brooklyn, where I live,
which is kind of far, lots oftraffic.
So I was on a time crunch,right?
And it was almost as if everytime I made a left, I hit more
traffic.
Every time I made a right, Iwould go a different way to try
to get around to take adifferent route.
And every single turn I made,traffic.
(56:19):
And I was like, oh my goodness,getting obviously irritable or
impatient or nervous or scaredbecause I have somewhere I got
to be.
And I haven't been on my waythere yet.
And I'm like, wow, what is thisshowing me about my life?
Like, well, you know what?
Lately in my life, it's reallybothering me right now, this
whole situation, because latelyin my life, that's what it's
(56:40):
felt like every turn i take i'mhitting a wall right so okay
that is something that i couldlook at
SPEAKER_02 (56:48):
yeah
SPEAKER_00 (56:49):
my reaction to the traffic doesn't have to be
soberating inward like i shouldhave left earlier i should have
done this like we all do rightso if we look at those
situations in our life thatcause us to have these big
emotions um or distressingemotions even if they're not
huge we can look at that likesay what is this telling me
about my life or where I'm at orwhat I need instead of getting
(57:13):
judgmental and being stuck inthat anger.
SPEAKER_02 (57:15):
Yes.
Yeah.
Just be curious.
Just ask questions like youwould a friend.
SPEAKER_00 (57:19):
Yeah.
Just try and understand really.
SPEAKER_02 (57:22):
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, that's really good.
That's so good.
Okay.
So my last question, what do youdo to take care of yourself
well?
So
SPEAKER_00 (57:32):
I love this question and maybe it's really, I don't
know, it's really simple, but myfavorite thing to do at the end
of the day is sit in silence.
I have conversations all daylong and I'm taking information
in and feeling emotions all dayand I love it and I wouldn't
(57:53):
trade it for
SPEAKER_01 (57:54):
the
SPEAKER_00 (57:55):
world.
But by the end of the day,switching from therapist mode to
mom mode to wife mode, my earsare buzzing, I can feel it on my
skin and so it's just so nice tobe able to notice how loud the
silence is instead of all thenoise so that's my favorite
(58:16):
thing to do at the end of theday and That's so that's my
favorite thing.
But yoga is a big one for me.
And if you practice yoga,there's the whole like, yes, you
can practice yoga on your mat,or you can practice yoga in your
life.
Yeah, for me, I'm depending onthe day.
I'm either doing it just in mylife or on my medical.
(58:37):
So for me, those are my two.
And being around my people.
SPEAKER_02 (58:43):
Yes.
Yes.
So when you sit in silence, whatdoes that look like?
Like, what is what is that?
What does that to look like?
SPEAKER_00 (58:52):
Tell me more.
Tell me more.
Sit in a dark room by yourself.
Yeah, right.
Yeah, fair enough.
I have probably too many saltlamps in my house.
Okay.
And I love them.
I think I have one back here.
So I will turn on a few, not allof them, but a few.
(59:12):
And I will really sit and reador I'll sit and look at pictures
on my phone of my son
SPEAKER_01 (59:20):
or
SPEAKER_00 (59:20):
But I'm just appreciating the silence.
Like, I'm not on the phone.
I don't put the TV on.
I'm not really looking at reels.
But I am doing something morecalming like that where I don't
have to hear anything.
Yeah.
Like, there's nothing my earshave to pay attention to.
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (59:39):
Right.
Right.
So, I mean, you do virtualtherapy.
Do you work from home?
Right.
I do.
How do you do, is that one ofthe practices is like just
really sitting in your spacebefore you transition into home
life?
Is that tricky?
SPEAKER_00 (59:56):
Well, no, because I've had to learn how to kind of
compartmentalize my life.
Yeah.
So my schedule, my life, Ishould say, is really built out
by a schedule, my work life.
So I pretty much, and I'm prettystrict to how I schedule things.
So I use my have like an hour atthe end of my workday to just
(01:00:20):
decompress that's awesome okayAnd then I also do like, I
actually do 30 minute breaks formyself in between sessions and
breathe, write a note, eat, dowhatever it is, disconnect for
10 minutes.
So that's, I'm pretty strictwith those things.
SPEAKER_02 (01:00:41):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I've, I had to kind of stumblethrough what I needed after a
full client day and food isnumber one on the list.
My husband knows like soon as Iwalk in the door I must eat I
cannot function I'm not going tobe nice to anybody until I've
(01:01:01):
eaten something and just sat fora minute because yeah I mean
everything that you said justyou we love I love doing this I
love sitting in people'semotions but yeah you just feel
it you carry it it is I feelhonored to do the work and at
the end of the day I'm spent youknow I'm spent you're right like
(01:01:23):
my ears are All the things thatyou said, totally, I
SPEAKER_00 (01:01:28):
ended up with everything.
(01:01:53):
had before with another personlike that's so powerful yeah and
so I think that's the thing thatkeeps me grounded in like
there's a purpose here even onthe really hard days where every
client or every story is reallyhard it's like but that's the
reason why I'm doing this yeahbut yes the end of the day it's
I very much enjoy my clientswill ask me did you see this
(01:02:16):
movie or you ever watch a showand I'm like no oh my god you
know I I really don't watch thatmuch TV.
I watch– if I do, it's allreruns of Friends.
Yeah.
Gilmore Girls.
Things I've seen a thousandtimes.
Sure.
SPEAKER_02 (01:02:32):
Yeah.
Because they're easy.
They're easy to watch.
Doesn't take a lot of brainpower.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Okay.
Thank you so much.
Thanks for coming on and sharingall the things.
I mean, I feel like we couldhave like a part two, a part
three, a part four, especiallyon this topic.
But I'll definitely have tobring you back because I know
there's other things that wecould chat about.
(01:02:52):
But this was– This was soinformative.
This was so good.
I think people are really,they're just going to eat this
up.
They're going to eat all thisinformation up.
So I think they're going toreally appreciate it.
So thanks
SPEAKER_00 (01:03:02):
so much.
Thank you so much for having meand giving me a space to speak
and share my voice and myexperience.
And hopefully the listeners takesomething away from
SPEAKER_02 (01:03:14):
this.
Yeah.
So how can people find you?
If they want to connect withyou, they want to see more about
the work that you're doing, howcan they find you?
SPEAKER_00 (01:03:23):
The best way to find us is on our website.
We do have Instagram, but I'llbe honest, between it all, I'm
not on top of my Instagram, butyou can connect with us there.
Hopefully you're better at itsoon.
So it's atlivecollectivewellness, but our
website is the best place toreach us.
So that'swww.collective-therapy.com.
SPEAKER_02 (01:03:46):
Okay.
And we'll include all of that inthe show notes so people can
find
SPEAKER_00 (01:03:49):
you there.
All right, Alyssa.
SPEAKER_02 (01:03:50):
Thanks so much.
I just love this conversation somuch.
I feel like there was so muchdepth to it and so many themes
that I find in the therapy roomtalking to people specifically
when we're diving into family oforigin issues.
There's so many layers to thisconversation because
(01:04:13):
generational trauma is builtlayer upon layer.
If you're someone thatidentified with the content of
this conversation I hope youfeel empowered and equipped to
stop the generational patternsof hurt and trauma within your
life.
So much of this work isrecognizing our own emotions and
showing up for our emotionalselves through regulation and
then changing our innernarrative.
(01:04:35):
I know a lot of times when we'retalking about reparenting
ourselves that can sound kind ofweird or funny, but it truly is
powerful and work that's worthleaning into.
So I'm encouraging you here toshow up for yourselves, learn
what the generational patternsare and find out if you are
still participating in them sothat you can begin to And don't
(01:04:58):
forget to check out Alyssa'swebsite over at Collective
Therapy and Wellness, and I'veincluded the link in the show
notes.
My final words are, remember,especially when we're working
through healing fromgenerational trauma, that two
opposing thoughts can be true atthe same time.
(01:05:24):
Thank you so much.
(01:05:54):
I'd love to connect with you onInstagram.
Find me at Candice Frazier LPC.
Give the show a rating or reviewwherever you listen to podcasts.
This really helps get the showto more listeners in the world.
And I would be so grateful tosee what you all are loving.
Until next time, show kindnessto yourself and those around
you.
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