November 14, 2023 • 21 mins
Do you people please with food?
Trying to lose weight or even eat healthy around the holidays can be challenging.
And if you put others needs ahead of your own desires to lose weight and be healthy, you are people pleasing.
It is so common, and I am teaching you how to identify it in yourself and stop it so you can reach your goals.
HERE is the link to sign up for my next Free Masterclass- Get Control Over Your Eating
Want to speak with me directly? Schedule a consultation with me HERE
Courtney
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I work 1:1 with women to lose weight permanently, using mindset and strategy. My process is exciting, life changing, and empowering. Join me!
I have 2 bits of Exciting News! I have a NEW podcast called Modern Body Modern Life....here is the link to Listen...
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/welcome-to-the-first-episode/id1720478442?i=1000637985103
And Enrollment is NOW OPEN for my March Group Program, click HERE to find all the details,
Courtney
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Unknown (00:02):
Welcome to the Courtney Gray podcast the show for women
who are ready to lose weightpermanently, and love their body
love the way they feel. Andlook, I'm going to teach you how
to stop overeating and obsessingabout food and your weight, so
you can be more confident andempowered to then create an even
bigger life. I'm life and bodycoach Courtney Gray. And each
(00:25):
week, I'm going to be teachingyou how losing and maintaining
your ideal weight can be so mucheasier than it's been in the
past. And by taking care of youand achieving your health goals.
You will live in even moreamazing life than the one you
have lived so far. Let's getstarted.
Welcome to the podcast episode96 people pleasing with food.
(00:49):
Before we get started, I have anew podcast coming. I'm not
gonna give you any details. Butthe details are coming at
episode 100. So this is episode96 out of episode 100 of the
Courtney Gray podcast, you aregoing to get all the details of
the new podcast. I'm really,really, really excited about it.
(01:10):
And it's going to be it's goingto be like this podcast, but on
fire. It's going to be amazing.
So stay tuned for that. I alsojust wanted to tell you about my
new masterclass that is coming.
And I have a sign up the link isin the show notes already for
you. It is called get controlover your eating masterclass.
This one's going to be differentthan some of the workshops and
(01:31):
master classes and webinars I'vedone before this one's gonna be
30 minutes, or coming in hotwith this one. The reason I'm
doing 30 MINUTES Is It is a busytime of year. And I want you to
start the 30 minutes with me andfinish it and I want you to
whether you're watching thereplay or whether they're at
live with me, I want you to getall of the content. And really
(01:52):
that's the most powerful way youcan learn this work. So I'm
going to talk about why you'vebeen struggling with your eating
and then I'm going to dive deepand quick into my three step
process to get control in themoment of food. If you are
sitting there and someone sayswould you like a cocktail or
would you like a piece of pie?
Or would whatever food ispresented to you that in the
(02:14):
moment you're like I kind ofwant it but I shouldn't and I
don't know when I promised Iwouldn't have got it looks good
and I don't want to hurt theirfeelings and and the you know,
shenanigans and the mind the warthat happens in the moment
around food, you will feel morein control around that and
you'll be able to make adecision in the moment that is
(02:34):
in line with your goals, yourweight loss goals, your weight
maintenance goals, your healthgoals, your age and goals, all
of that. So the signup is in theshownotes. It's also if you're
on Instagram, the link is goingto be in my bio on Instagram to
sign up. This one is thismasterclass is going to be on
November 30. It's going to be sothe Thursday after Thanksgiving
(02:56):
9am Pacific Standard Time. Ofcourse there will be a replay
but join me live I'm going to belive coming from my studio
presenting this 30 minutepowerful, quick, fantastic
masterclass, and you will not belive so your camera will not be
on. So it's going to be reallygreat. I hope you will join me.
So let's talk about peoplepleasing with food. I see this a
(03:18):
lot people, clients and evenfriends. I've talked to them
about people pleasing with food.
And I've done it myself, ofcourse. And because we are
coming into the holiday season,there's even more food, even
more family even morecelebrating, and sometimes even
more stressed or fixed friction.
Sometimes, you know, sometimeswe're around family and we're
(03:42):
around people at thesegatherings that we don't
necessarily want to be with allthe time. My family is gonna
hear this and go is she talkingabout me? I'm not I love my
family. But for a lot of people,for a lot of people, they end up
getting together with family andthere's a few family members
that they don't necessarily wantto be around all the time. So
there can be even more stress inthose situations. So the
(04:04):
holidays are wonderful. But theholidays can be more stressful
for a lot of reasons for people.
So the definition of peoplepleaser is when you feel the
strong urge to please others atyour own expense. I'm all for
pleasing others out of everyonein the whole world. I love
(04:24):
pleasing my four men, my husbandand my three kids. I love
pleasing them. But I I'm veryactively trying to not please
them at my own expense which Iused to do. It is not an
altruistic type of thing to dofor other people when you're
doing it at your own expense.
There can be so many examples ofpeople pleasing. Do you not say
(04:45):
what you really are thinking orreally want because you don't
want to upset someone? Do youeat certain foods because
everyone else is eating thosefoods and you don't want to make
any one think that you're betterthan them. I used to be this
way, do you not give youropinion of what you want?
Because you want to keep thepeace and just kind of go with
(05:08):
the flow? Do you like take thecocktail handed to you, when you
first walk in, they hand you acocktail, because everyone else
is drinking, and you don't wantto hurt the feelings of the
person who made you that drink.
I had a client long ago reallystruggle with going to lunch
with her girlfriend she had, shehad done lunch with her co
workers who were her goodfriends, for years. And then she
(05:31):
started working with me and shestarted losing weight. And of
course, they told her how greatshe looked and how inspiring it
was. But then they also madecomments about how she was
probably judging what they wereeating, like, oh, no, I'm gonna
be eating this. And you'reprobably thinking that I
shouldn't be eating that. And soshe found that she was people
pleasing them because she would,she would feel bad, she would
end up ordering foods you reallydidn't want to eat, because she
(05:54):
thought if she ordered what shereally wanted, you know, for her
own health and her own weightloss journey, it would make them
feel bad. And so then she wouldend up ordering something that
she didn't want. And then shewould be getting mad at herself
for kind of putting herself onthe back burner. And then on the
front burner and how to do bothit was it was a lot of coaching,
that she eventually reallyfigured out how to do that. But
(06:16):
we coached on that a lot. Sopeople pleasing seems like it
comes from a sincere, altruisticplace one where we want others
to be happy. But when we reallypeel back the layers of people
pleasing all people pleasing, itcomes from a lack of self
esteem, and the desire forapproval. And you've heard me
(06:37):
say so many times before thatlosing weight is so much more
than weight loss, losing weightis so much more than being in a
thinner body. So many times mostof the time, when people come to
me and we talk on a consultationcall, they say I want to lose
weight, but I want to feel moreconfident, I want to lose
weight, but I equally want tofeel at peace, I want to feel in
(06:59):
control. And so that tells usthat a lot of times they're not
feeling confident. So maybe theydo have a lack of self esteem.
And they are kind of desiringother people's approval, and
putting that in the forefront ofwhat is best for them. Like I'm
going to make them happy. Sothey like me. And that will mean
that I'm worthy. Or that meansI'm cool. Or that means I can
(07:22):
feel good about myself becausethey feel good about me. And
women seem to be particularlyprone to people pleasing. And I
think it's because historicallywe are the caretakers of the
home and the children. So wehave gotten pretty good at
putting ourselves last. I'mconstantly trying to navigate
this, even with my husband andmy three boys is how can I love
(07:45):
on them? How can I put themtheir needs very high up on my
list while at the same timesupporting myself and putting my
needs first. When people gathertogether to eat, which is so
often happening around theholidays, people pleasing around
food can be a problem. So I wantto talk about how to not people,
(08:08):
please with food, decide inadvance a few things. Number
one, decide what you're going toeat in advance. And if this is
something you've never donebefore, I really suggest you
giving it a try. And here's whatyou might be thinking right now
is I don't know what's going tobe there. I hear this a lot from
clients, they say, Well, I don'tknow what's going to be there.
(08:30):
And it really kind of makes themfeel confused out of control
like this kind of we'll seeenergy almost like you're
delegating responsibility towhoever is going to be serving
the food. But what I want tooffering and see if you can find
some truth in this. First ofall, most the time around the
(08:50):
holidays, we kind of know what'sgoing to be served. I don't know
about you. But I can tell youfive things right now that I
know are going to be at myThanksgiving and my Christmas
meal. I have Thanksgiving withmy family and Christmas with my
sister in law and her family andmy husband's family. Even I
could say to myself, I don't Idon't really know. I do know, I
(09:10):
know my sister in law is fromPoland. So we have a lot of
Polish dishes. And then ofcourse you incorporate some
American traditional food forfor those people who don't love
the fish and don't love thePortuguese and all of those
things. And then I know that mymom's house at Thanksgiving, we
are going to have the turkey andthe stuffing and our friend
Kevin brings delicious cranberrysauce. I bring the cheesecake. I
also am making some amazingvegetable dish that I haven't
(09:32):
decided on yet. I know my mom isgoing to make deviled eggs I
know. So we kind of do knowwhat's going to be there. But so
often our brain wants to go Idon't know, as if it is so out
of our hands. So the first thingis decide what you're going to
eat in advance. And this canlook a few different ways. If
(09:52):
you really do feel like youmight be like Courtney, it's
legit I don't know. Okay, sothis can look a few different
ways up probably know thatthere's going to be some sort of
meat. Are you going to eat themeat? Decide yes or no. And
decide how much of a portionyou're going to take. There's
probably going to be dessert.
Are you going to eat dessert? Ifso how much. And so this is the
way I am going to do it. I'llgive you like my own example for
(10:15):
Thanksgiving. I am going to eatdessert held to the Yes, I am
going to eat small portions oftwo desserts. I am going to eat
this delicious cheesecake, Idecided on traditional
cheesecake with a raspberryswirl on top. Yes, please, my
friends make this wonderfulcheesecake. And then I'm gonna
have a small piece of that. Andthen I also want a small scoop
of my bread pudding. But it'swith like sourdough bread. And
(10:39):
there's a little bit of cayennepepper. I think it's cayenne
pepper. It is amazing. It's likea Texas french toast bread
pudding. It is amazing. So Iwant both, I'm telling you right
now what's going to happen. Butin order for me to feel good, at
the end of the day, I'm going tohave pretty small servings of
both, I am going to not have anycheese because my family there's
(11:00):
something about the gray familyand cheese, we love it in all
forms. Cheese doesn't reallymake me feel good. So I'm just
going to not eat the cheese. Andthen I am going to pretty much
eat everything except for Iprobably won't eat any of the
beaded, my mom makes this reallydelicious, beaded pasta salad.
And it's just a lot of sugar.
(11:22):
And I just don't need it. Andit's not my favorite. My kids
love it. My husband loves it,they can have it, I won't eat
that. And then everything elseis pretty much going to be meat
and potatoes and vegetables. AndI'm going to eat all that and
it's going to be great. So thereyou go. So what that means for
me is if I go and my mom goes,You're not having any of the
pasta salad. You're not havingany my beet salad. She's not
(11:43):
gonna say this, but if she didif she was like, Oh my gosh,
you're not having any beetsalad. I would just say, Oh,
Mom, I love you. But I just, I'mnot feeling it today. Or Mom,
Oh, I love you. But you knowwhat, I just would rather not
eat it. I just want to dosomething, whatever excuse you
want to give for why you don'twant to eat it, it doesn't
matter. You don't want to do it,and you're a grown ass woman and
you get to do whatever youwanted to Okay, or maybe I'm
(12:04):
gonna go and someone's gonnasay, oh, my gosh, you're not
eating any of the cheese. Yeah,you know, it just doesn't I
don't I just don't want it. Youjust decide you're, you are
ready to go if people are goingto comment on your eating. And
so that's going to be numbertwo. No, no, that's actually not
number two, I'm getting ahead ofmyself, I'm going to keep going,
you're going to decide whatyou're going to eat. This can
look a lot of different ways.
Don't tell yourself you don'tknow, even if you have to say I
(12:27):
don't know exactly what the meatis, or I don't know exactly what
this is. But I'm going to eat asmall portion and just kind of
make a plan for yourself. Andthen decide why you want to eat
this way.
I'm taking a moment to tell youthat I work privately one on one
with women to help them loseweight permanently, and create a
body they love. This is not adiet program. This is a
(12:50):
customized program to teach youhow to eat the way you want to
eat forever. No morerestriction, no more willpower,
no more losing weight only tosabotage and then gain it back
again. The problem is not you,we women are so hard on
ourselves. And we think if wecould just get motivated or more
determined if we could find theright diet plan or cut out
(13:12):
certain foods, we will loseweight and be happy. But the
answer is changing your brainand how you think and feel,
changing your self image and howyou talk to yourself. Learning
how to trust yourself. This ishow you lose weight permanently.
It sounds too good to be true.
But I promise you it's not. Thework I do with my clients is
powerful, exciting and loving.
(13:35):
And it's hard work too. But theresult is change forever. The
women I work with are smart andsuccessful in so many areas of
their life, they just haven'tbeen able to figure out their
body. This is where I come in,head to my website to schedule a
consultation. And we can talkabout all the details back to
the podcast. And so I was aheadof myself. But now I'm back on
(13:56):
track number two decide why youwant to eat this way. And for me
the the my eating plan that Ijust laid out for you really
quickly. I eat that way. Mostimportantly, because I want to
feel good at the end of the day.
I don't want to be stuffed.
Here's another thing I'm notgoing to drink. And my sister
probably won't drink but my momprobably will my husband will my
boys will. And they might sayhey, do you want to be your
(14:19):
head? Do you want this I mighttake a sip if they have
something interesting and theywant me to taste it. But I'm not
going to drink as I want to feelgood. The next day is usually a
pretty busy day for me. I mighthave a bunch of consults. I've
opened up my calendar to haveconsults that day for women who
don't want to wait to the end ofthe year and they really want to
meet with me and start talkingabout losing weight right now.
So I added a bunch of consultsfor that day schedule consults
(14:42):
if you'd like but so that is mywhy I really want to feel good
that night and I want to feelgood the next day. So number
three, decide what you want tomake it mean if someone says
something to you, if you knowyou're gonna get some sort of
pushback from family if they'regonna say Why aren't you
drinking? Or you have to havePumpkin Pie or, but the deviled
eggs are your favorite I makethem for you. If we assume those
(15:06):
comments are going to come, whatdo you want to make it mean? And
so what I mean is if yoursister, if you're like, I know
my sister, she's going to saysomething like, oh my gosh, why
aren't you drinking? I thoughtwe were gonna drink together,
say to yourself, why do I wantto think about her saying that?
Because in the moment, we havethese automatic thoughts, like
(15:28):
she wants me to drink with her.
And I'm not. So now she'sfrustrated with me. She thinks
that I think I'm better thanher. And then we feel like
anxiety because we don't want welove our sister. We don't want
her to feel that way. Or if youdecide not to have dessert, and
someone makes your favoritedessert, and they say what
you're not having dessert, andyou think, oh my god, they think
I'm better than them. I'mhurting their feelings. I'm
(15:50):
making them feel bad thatthey're eating dessert, because
I'm not eating dessert. And thenwe have this anxiety that we're
making them feel bad. Andsometimes then we people,
please, in order to not makethem feel bad. But what if your
sister could make a comment?
Like, what? You should have adrink, it's Thanksgiving. And
(16:12):
you could make it mean this, youcould make it mean, I'm doing
things differently. And peopledon't like change. A lot of
people don't like change. It isa it's a good thought. Or maybe
she just loves you. And shewants you to have fun. And she
worries that if you're nothaving a drink or cake or
something like that, that you'renot having fun. Maybe she thinks
(16:32):
you're depriving yourself. Maybeshe thinks like, oh, no, you're
so beautiful. You don't need tolose weight you should just have
maybe she thinks all thesethings. Can it be okay? Or wait
for it? Maybe she is frustratedwith you. And although you don't
want her to be frustrated withyou, what you want more is for
(16:54):
you to not be frustrated withyourself. Be on the lookout for
using people pleasing as anexcuse. There's a difference
between people pleasing andusing people pleasing as an
excuse to eat somethingdelicious in the moment. Okay,
so you know, I know me, right?
In addition to all of the thingsour brain is going to be saying
(17:16):
to us, right? Think about whatyour brain says you every day,
you deserve an extra piece ofpie, oh my gosh, you will be
better tomorrow, you should justcelebrate. It's a holiday. Oh my
god, everyone's supposed to bestuffed on Thanksgiving. You
know, your brain is gonna serveyou all these thoughts. It's the
thoughts they that your brainserves you every day, they're
just on steroids, because nowyou have the perfect excuse.
(17:38):
Because it's a holiday, right?
So in addition to all of those,you're going to get these
thoughts that it's going to makeit seem like people pleasing,
you're gonna use people pleasingas an excuse, you're going to be
like, you know, Aunt Jane madethis and she knows I love it, I
don't want to hurt her feelings.
And because you want it becauseit's delicious. You're gonna use
(18:01):
that as an excuse to ultimatelyjust do what you want in the
moment. So make sure you'rereally aware of that. Make sure
you really go what is going onwith me. And if you go back to
the podcast, where I talk aboutmy three steps to make you feel
in control around food, like inthe moment, it will help you
kind of determine what is reallygoing on in the minute. It's why
(18:23):
in that moment, it's why Ireally tell you, if you're
having a moment where you'relike should I shouldn't die. Oh,
go to the restroom and look atyourself in the mirror and say,
am I like going to potentiallypeople please aunt Jane? Because
I really feel bad for her. Do Ilike doing that? Or am I just
going to pretend I'm feeling badfor her. Because what I really
(18:46):
want is to eat the thing reallytry to figure out what is really
going on. Be on to yourself, andmake sure you like your reason
for doing whatever you're goingto do. Can you see how much of a
mental game eating well is. Itis a mental game. This is why
restrictive diets don't work. Somuch comes into play. In the way
(19:09):
we think about food in the waywe think about family. And the
way we've done things in thepast in the way we were raised
eat in the in the way we wereraised to do holidays. And the
way we were raised to celebratein the way we were raised to
interact with family members.
(19:33):
There's so much mental that goeson when it comes to picking
something up and putting it inyour mouth. I encourage you to
do a few things. I encourage youto sign up for my masterclass
that's coming in a few weeks,it's going to be a great,
powerful 30 minutes. I encourageyou to reach out and schedule a
consultation if you don't wantto wait to the end of the year
(19:56):
to start feeling in control andto start getting ahead of this
schedule. a free consultationwith me. I don't have too many
open for Thanksgiving week. Ihave a lot this week and the
week after Thanksgiving becauseI really want to support you.
I'm getting a lot of consultsright now. And so I really want
to support you and make surethere's times available for you
to meet with me and talk abouthow I can help you lose weight
(20:17):
permanently from starting withthis mental space and really
having you do the work to figureout how to become a woman that
is in control around food. Youneed to change you in order to
change the way you eat. And thenin order to change your body.
Happy Tuesday. Thanks for beinghere. If you are ready to lose
(20:41):
weight and keep it offpermanently, if you have tried
diets and you know they don'twork and you're ready for real
change, I would love to have aconversation with you. I coach
women privately one on one, andI'm currently offering
consultations to talk aboutworking together. click my link
in the show notes or head toCourtney Gray coaching.com Or
(21:02):
you can find me on Instagram atCourtney Gray coaching
Welcome to the Courtney Gray podcast the show for women
who are ready to lose weightpermanently, and love their body
love the way they feel. Andlook, I'm going to teach you how
to stop overeating and obsessingabout food and your weight, so
you can be more confident andempowered to then create an even
bigger life. I'm life and bodycoach Courtney Gray. And each
(00:25):
week, I'm going to be teachingyou how losing and maintaining
your ideal weight can be so mucheasier than it's been in the
past. And by taking care of youand achieving your health goals.
You will live in even moreamazing life than the one you
have lived so far. Let's getstarted.
Welcome to the podcast episode96 people pleasing with food.
(00:49):
Before we get started, I have anew podcast coming. I'm not
gonna give you any details. Butthe details are coming at
episode 100. So this is episode96 out of episode 100 of the
Courtney Gray podcast, you aregoing to get all the details of
the new podcast. I'm really,really, really excited about it.
(01:10):
And it's going to be it's goingto be like this podcast, but on
fire. It's going to be amazing.
So stay tuned for that. I alsojust wanted to tell you about my
new masterclass that is coming.
And I have a sign up the link isin the show notes already for
you. It is called get controlover your eating masterclass.
This one's going to be differentthan some of the workshops and
(01:31):
master classes and webinars I'vedone before this one's gonna be
30 minutes, or coming in hotwith this one. The reason I'm
doing 30 MINUTES Is It is a busytime of year. And I want you to
start the 30 minutes with me andfinish it and I want you to
whether you're watching thereplay or whether they're at
live with me, I want you to getall of the content. And really
(01:52):
that's the most powerful way youcan learn this work. So I'm
going to talk about why you'vebeen struggling with your eating
and then I'm going to dive deepand quick into my three step
process to get control in themoment of food. If you are
sitting there and someone sayswould you like a cocktail or
would you like a piece of pie?
Or would whatever food ispresented to you that in the
(02:14):
moment you're like I kind ofwant it but I shouldn't and I
don't know when I promised Iwouldn't have got it looks good
and I don't want to hurt theirfeelings and and the you know,
shenanigans and the mind the warthat happens in the moment
around food, you will feel morein control around that and
you'll be able to make adecision in the moment that is
(02:34):
in line with your goals, yourweight loss goals, your weight
maintenance goals, your healthgoals, your age and goals, all
of that. So the signup is in theshownotes. It's also if you're
on Instagram, the link is goingto be in my bio on Instagram to
sign up. This one is thismasterclass is going to be on
November 30. It's going to be sothe Thursday after Thanksgiving
(02:56):
9am Pacific Standard Time. Ofcourse there will be a replay
but join me live I'm going to belive coming from my studio
presenting this 30 minutepowerful, quick, fantastic
masterclass, and you will not belive so your camera will not be
on. So it's going to be reallygreat. I hope you will join me.
So let's talk about peoplepleasing with food. I see this a
(03:18):
lot people, clients and evenfriends. I've talked to them
about people pleasing with food.
And I've done it myself, ofcourse. And because we are
coming into the holiday season,there's even more food, even
more family even morecelebrating, and sometimes even
more stressed or fixed friction.
Sometimes, you know, sometimeswe're around family and we're
(03:42):
around people at thesegatherings that we don't
necessarily want to be with allthe time. My family is gonna
hear this and go is she talkingabout me? I'm not I love my
family. But for a lot of people,for a lot of people, they end up
getting together with family andthere's a few family members
that they don't necessarily wantto be around all the time. So
there can be even more stress inthose situations. So the
(04:04):
holidays are wonderful. But theholidays can be more stressful
for a lot of reasons for people.
So the definition of peoplepleaser is when you feel the
strong urge to please others atyour own expense. I'm all for
pleasing others out of everyonein the whole world. I love
(04:24):
pleasing my four men, my husbandand my three kids. I love
pleasing them. But I I'm veryactively trying to not please
them at my own expense which Iused to do. It is not an
altruistic type of thing to dofor other people when you're
doing it at your own expense.
There can be so many examples ofpeople pleasing. Do you not say
(04:45):
what you really are thinking orreally want because you don't
want to upset someone? Do youeat certain foods because
everyone else is eating thosefoods and you don't want to make
any one think that you're betterthan them. I used to be this
way, do you not give youropinion of what you want?
Because you want to keep thepeace and just kind of go with
(05:08):
the flow? Do you like take thecocktail handed to you, when you
first walk in, they hand you acocktail, because everyone else
is drinking, and you don't wantto hurt the feelings of the
person who made you that drink.
I had a client long ago reallystruggle with going to lunch
with her girlfriend she had, shehad done lunch with her co
workers who were her goodfriends, for years. And then she
(05:31):
started working with me and shestarted losing weight. And of
course, they told her how greatshe looked and how inspiring it
was. But then they also madecomments about how she was
probably judging what they wereeating, like, oh, no, I'm gonna
be eating this. And you'reprobably thinking that I
shouldn't be eating that. And soshe found that she was people
pleasing them because she would,she would feel bad, she would
end up ordering foods you reallydidn't want to eat, because she
(05:54):
thought if she ordered what shereally wanted, you know, for her
own health and her own weightloss journey, it would make them
feel bad. And so then she wouldend up ordering something that
she didn't want. And then shewould be getting mad at herself
for kind of putting herself onthe back burner. And then on the
front burner and how to do bothit was it was a lot of coaching,
that she eventually reallyfigured out how to do that. But
(06:16):
we coached on that a lot. Sopeople pleasing seems like it
comes from a sincere, altruisticplace one where we want others
to be happy. But when we reallypeel back the layers of people
pleasing all people pleasing, itcomes from a lack of self
esteem, and the desire forapproval. And you've heard me
(06:37):
say so many times before thatlosing weight is so much more
than weight loss, losing weightis so much more than being in a
thinner body. So many times mostof the time, when people come to
me and we talk on a consultationcall, they say I want to lose
weight, but I want to feel moreconfident, I want to lose
weight, but I equally want tofeel at peace, I want to feel in
(06:59):
control. And so that tells usthat a lot of times they're not
feeling confident. So maybe theydo have a lack of self esteem.
And they are kind of desiringother people's approval, and
putting that in the forefront ofwhat is best for them. Like I'm
going to make them happy. Sothey like me. And that will mean
that I'm worthy. Or that meansI'm cool. Or that means I can
(07:22):
feel good about myself becausethey feel good about me. And
women seem to be particularlyprone to people pleasing. And I
think it's because historicallywe are the caretakers of the
home and the children. So wehave gotten pretty good at
putting ourselves last. I'mconstantly trying to navigate
this, even with my husband andmy three boys is how can I love
(07:45):
on them? How can I put themtheir needs very high up on my
list while at the same timesupporting myself and putting my
needs first. When people gathertogether to eat, which is so
often happening around theholidays, people pleasing around
food can be a problem. So I wantto talk about how to not people,
(08:08):
please with food, decide inadvance a few things. Number
one, decide what you're going toeat in advance. And if this is
something you've never donebefore, I really suggest you
giving it a try. And here's whatyou might be thinking right now
is I don't know what's going tobe there. I hear this a lot from
clients, they say, Well, I don'tknow what's going to be there.
(08:30):
And it really kind of makes themfeel confused out of control
like this kind of we'll seeenergy almost like you're
delegating responsibility towhoever is going to be serving
the food. But what I want tooffering and see if you can find
some truth in this. First ofall, most the time around the
(08:50):
holidays, we kind of know what'sgoing to be served. I don't know
about you. But I can tell youfive things right now that I
know are going to be at myThanksgiving and my Christmas
meal. I have Thanksgiving withmy family and Christmas with my
sister in law and her family andmy husband's family. Even I
could say to myself, I don't Idon't really know. I do know, I
(09:10):
know my sister in law is fromPoland. So we have a lot of
Polish dishes. And then ofcourse you incorporate some
American traditional food forfor those people who don't love
the fish and don't love thePortuguese and all of those
things. And then I know that mymom's house at Thanksgiving, we
are going to have the turkey andthe stuffing and our friend
Kevin brings delicious cranberrysauce. I bring the cheesecake. I
also am making some amazingvegetable dish that I haven't
(09:32):
decided on yet. I know my mom isgoing to make deviled eggs I
know. So we kind of do knowwhat's going to be there. But so
often our brain wants to go Idon't know, as if it is so out
of our hands. So the first thingis decide what you're going to
eat in advance. And this canlook a few different ways. If
(09:52):
you really do feel like youmight be like Courtney, it's
legit I don't know. Okay, sothis can look a few different
ways up probably know thatthere's going to be some sort of
meat. Are you going to eat themeat? Decide yes or no. And
decide how much of a portionyou're going to take. There's
probably going to be dessert.
Are you going to eat dessert? Ifso how much. And so this is the
way I am going to do it. I'llgive you like my own example for
(10:15):
Thanksgiving. I am going to eatdessert held to the Yes, I am
going to eat small portions oftwo desserts. I am going to eat
this delicious cheesecake, Idecided on traditional
cheesecake with a raspberryswirl on top. Yes, please, my
friends make this wonderfulcheesecake. And then I'm gonna
have a small piece of that. Andthen I also want a small scoop
of my bread pudding. But it'swith like sourdough bread. And
(10:39):
there's a little bit of cayennepepper. I think it's cayenne
pepper. It is amazing. It's likea Texas french toast bread
pudding. It is amazing. So Iwant both, I'm telling you right
now what's going to happen. Butin order for me to feel good, at
the end of the day, I'm going tohave pretty small servings of
both, I am going to not have anycheese because my family there's
(11:00):
something about the gray familyand cheese, we love it in all
forms. Cheese doesn't reallymake me feel good. So I'm just
going to not eat the cheese. Andthen I am going to pretty much
eat everything except for Iprobably won't eat any of the
beaded, my mom makes this reallydelicious, beaded pasta salad.
And it's just a lot of sugar.
(11:22):
And I just don't need it. Andit's not my favorite. My kids
love it. My husband loves it,they can have it, I won't eat
that. And then everything elseis pretty much going to be meat
and potatoes and vegetables. AndI'm going to eat all that and
it's going to be great. So thereyou go. So what that means for
me is if I go and my mom goes,You're not having any of the
pasta salad. You're not havingany my beet salad. She's not
(11:43):
gonna say this, but if she didif she was like, Oh my gosh,
you're not having any beetsalad. I would just say, Oh,
Mom, I love you. But I just, I'mnot feeling it today. Or Mom,
Oh, I love you. But you knowwhat, I just would rather not
eat it. I just want to dosomething, whatever excuse you
want to give for why you don'twant to eat it, it doesn't
matter. You don't want to do it,and you're a grown ass woman and
you get to do whatever youwanted to Okay, or maybe I'm
(12:04):
gonna go and someone's gonnasay, oh, my gosh, you're not
eating any of the cheese. Yeah,you know, it just doesn't I
don't I just don't want it. Youjust decide you're, you are
ready to go if people are goingto comment on your eating. And
so that's going to be numbertwo. No, no, that's actually not
number two, I'm getting ahead ofmyself, I'm going to keep going,
you're going to decide whatyou're going to eat. This can
look a lot of different ways.
Don't tell yourself you don'tknow, even if you have to say I
(12:27):
don't know exactly what the meatis, or I don't know exactly what
this is. But I'm going to eat asmall portion and just kind of
make a plan for yourself. Andthen decide why you want to eat
this way.
I'm taking a moment to tell youthat I work privately one on one
with women to help them loseweight permanently, and create a
body they love. This is not adiet program. This is a
(12:50):
customized program to teach youhow to eat the way you want to
eat forever. No morerestriction, no more willpower,
no more losing weight only tosabotage and then gain it back
again. The problem is not you,we women are so hard on
ourselves. And we think if wecould just get motivated or more
determined if we could find theright diet plan or cut out
(13:12):
certain foods, we will loseweight and be happy. But the
answer is changing your brainand how you think and feel,
changing your self image and howyou talk to yourself. Learning
how to trust yourself. This ishow you lose weight permanently.
It sounds too good to be true.
But I promise you it's not. Thework I do with my clients is
powerful, exciting and loving.
(13:35):
And it's hard work too. But theresult is change forever. The
women I work with are smart andsuccessful in so many areas of
their life, they just haven'tbeen able to figure out their
body. This is where I come in,head to my website to schedule a
consultation. And we can talkabout all the details back to
the podcast. And so I was aheadof myself. But now I'm back on
(13:56):
track number two decide why youwant to eat this way. And for me
the the my eating plan that Ijust laid out for you really
quickly. I eat that way. Mostimportantly, because I want to
feel good at the end of the day.
I don't want to be stuffed.
Here's another thing I'm notgoing to drink. And my sister
probably won't drink but my momprobably will my husband will my
boys will. And they might sayhey, do you want to be your
(14:19):
head? Do you want this I mighttake a sip if they have
something interesting and theywant me to taste it. But I'm not
going to drink as I want to feelgood. The next day is usually a
pretty busy day for me. I mighthave a bunch of consults. I've
opened up my calendar to haveconsults that day for women who
don't want to wait to the end ofthe year and they really want to
meet with me and start talkingabout losing weight right now.
So I added a bunch of consultsfor that day schedule consults
(14:42):
if you'd like but so that is mywhy I really want to feel good
that night and I want to feelgood the next day. So number
three, decide what you want tomake it mean if someone says
something to you, if you knowyou're gonna get some sort of
pushback from family if they'regonna say Why aren't you
drinking? Or you have to havePumpkin Pie or, but the deviled
eggs are your favorite I makethem for you. If we assume those
(15:06):
comments are going to come, whatdo you want to make it mean? And
so what I mean is if yoursister, if you're like, I know
my sister, she's going to saysomething like, oh my gosh, why
aren't you drinking? I thoughtwe were gonna drink together,
say to yourself, why do I wantto think about her saying that?
Because in the moment, we havethese automatic thoughts, like
(15:28):
she wants me to drink with her.
And I'm not. So now she'sfrustrated with me. She thinks
that I think I'm better thanher. And then we feel like
anxiety because we don't want welove our sister. We don't want
her to feel that way. Or if youdecide not to have dessert, and
someone makes your favoritedessert, and they say what
you're not having dessert, andyou think, oh my god, they think
I'm better than them. I'mhurting their feelings. I'm
(15:50):
making them feel bad thatthey're eating dessert, because
I'm not eating dessert. And thenwe have this anxiety that we're
making them feel bad. Andsometimes then we people,
please, in order to not makethem feel bad. But what if your
sister could make a comment?
Like, what? You should have adrink, it's Thanksgiving. And
(16:12):
you could make it mean this, youcould make it mean, I'm doing
things differently. And peopledon't like change. A lot of
people don't like change. It isa it's a good thought. Or maybe
she just loves you. And shewants you to have fun. And she
worries that if you're nothaving a drink or cake or
something like that, that you'renot having fun. Maybe she thinks
(16:32):
you're depriving yourself. Maybeshe thinks like, oh, no, you're
so beautiful. You don't need tolose weight you should just have
maybe she thinks all thesethings. Can it be okay? Or wait
for it? Maybe she is frustratedwith you. And although you don't
want her to be frustrated withyou, what you want more is for
(16:54):
you to not be frustrated withyourself. Be on the lookout for
using people pleasing as anexcuse. There's a difference
between people pleasing andusing people pleasing as an
excuse to eat somethingdelicious in the moment. Okay,
so you know, I know me, right?
In addition to all of the thingsour brain is going to be saying
(17:16):
to us, right? Think about whatyour brain says you every day,
you deserve an extra piece ofpie, oh my gosh, you will be
better tomorrow, you should justcelebrate. It's a holiday. Oh my
god, everyone's supposed to bestuffed on Thanksgiving. You
know, your brain is gonna serveyou all these thoughts. It's the
thoughts they that your brainserves you every day, they're
just on steroids, because nowyou have the perfect excuse.
(17:38):
Because it's a holiday, right?
So in addition to all of those,you're going to get these
thoughts that it's going to makeit seem like people pleasing,
you're gonna use people pleasingas an excuse, you're going to be
like, you know, Aunt Jane madethis and she knows I love it, I
don't want to hurt her feelings.
And because you want it becauseit's delicious. You're gonna use
(18:01):
that as an excuse to ultimatelyjust do what you want in the
moment. So make sure you'rereally aware of that. Make sure
you really go what is going onwith me. And if you go back to
the podcast, where I talk aboutmy three steps to make you feel
in control around food, like inthe moment, it will help you
kind of determine what is reallygoing on in the minute. It's why
(18:23):
in that moment, it's why Ireally tell you, if you're
having a moment where you'relike should I shouldn't die. Oh,
go to the restroom and look atyourself in the mirror and say,
am I like going to potentiallypeople please aunt Jane? Because
I really feel bad for her. Do Ilike doing that? Or am I just
going to pretend I'm feeling badfor her. Because what I really
(18:46):
want is to eat the thing reallytry to figure out what is really
going on. Be on to yourself, andmake sure you like your reason
for doing whatever you're goingto do. Can you see how much of a
mental game eating well is. Itis a mental game. This is why
restrictive diets don't work. Somuch comes into play. In the way
(19:09):
we think about food in the waywe think about family. And the
way we've done things in thepast in the way we were raised
eat in the in the way we wereraised to do holidays. And the
way we were raised to celebratein the way we were raised to
interact with family members.
(19:33):
There's so much mental that goeson when it comes to picking
something up and putting it inyour mouth. I encourage you to
do a few things. I encourage youto sign up for my masterclass
that's coming in a few weeks,it's going to be a great,
powerful 30 minutes. I encourageyou to reach out and schedule a
consultation if you don't wantto wait to the end of the year
(19:56):
to start feeling in control andto start getting ahead of this
schedule. a free consultationwith me. I don't have too many
open for Thanksgiving week. Ihave a lot this week and the
week after Thanksgiving becauseI really want to support you.
I'm getting a lot of consultsright now. And so I really want
to support you and make surethere's times available for you
to meet with me and talk abouthow I can help you lose weight
(20:17):
permanently from starting withthis mental space and really
having you do the work to figureout how to become a woman that
is in control around food. Youneed to change you in order to
change the way you eat. And thenin order to change your body.
Happy Tuesday. Thanks for beinghere. If you are ready to lose
(20:41):
weight and keep it offpermanently, if you have tried
diets and you know they don'twork and you're ready for real
change, I would love to have aconversation with you. I coach
women privately one on one, andI'm currently offering
consultations to talk aboutworking together. click my link
in the show notes or head toCourtney Gray coaching.com Or
(21:02):
you can find me on Instagram atCourtney Gray coaching
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