November 5, 2024 • 31 mins
In this episode of The Curvy Girl Dating Podcast, host Cristina discusses her journey from dating struggles to success and introduces Sara Fisk, host of The Ex-Good Girl Podcast. Sara shares her insights on dating, overcoming people-pleasing tendencies, and the importance of self-awareness in relationships. The discussion touches on dating within societal and religious expectations, creating authentic dating profiles, and the significance of feeling safe and comfortable in relationships. Sara offers practical advice on building boundaries and prioritizing one's own needs in dating and beyond. The episode is a valuable resource for anyone looking to enhance their dating experience by being true to themselves.
00:00 Introduction and Host's Dating Journey
00:42 Meet Sara Fisk: The Ex-Good Girl Podcast Host
01:41 Sara's Marriage Story: From Blind Dates to Love
04:01 Navigating Societal and Religious Expectations
05:17 The Pressure to Marry and Finding the Right Relationship
07:14 Good Girl Rules in Dating
09:11 Post-Date Reflections and Self-Assessment
15:35 The Importance of Being Authentic in Dating Profiles
19:29 People Pleasing and Setting Boundaries
30:56 Conclusion and Where to Find Sara Fisk
Sara Fisk Bio:
Sara Bybee Fisk, is the Stop People Pleasing Coach. She is the host of , "The Ex-Good Girl Podcast." Sara helps women who feel exhausted from constant people pleasing and perfectionism and are ready to stop but don’t know how. Sara helps you learn to stop making other people comfortable at your own expense and can show you a roadmap you can use to train yourself to stop abandoning your own desires and let go of the fear of what others will think. If you are ready to stop pretending everything is fine, get out of the cycle of doubt, guilt, and resentment AND step into a life of power and freedom, Sara is the right coach for you!
Sara Fisk Links:
Instagram
Facebook Group
More Links Here
Consultation Call: https://calendly.com/cristinacoaches/discovery-session
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Website: https://www.thecurvygirldatingcoach.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Cristina (00:10):
I'm Cristina.
After 10 years of dating, I wastired of attracting the wrong
type of guys and thinking I hadto lose weight to find love.
I finally figured out how todate and I found the love I
thought I would never find eachweek.
I'll teach you dating advice,share dating stories and help
you ditch the dating drama.
My goal is to help you have funand create the life you love.
(00:34):
If you're ready to take yourdating to another level, then
listen up and let's go.
Hello, everyone.
I'm so excited about thisepisode of The Curvy Girl Dating
Podcast.
We have our host Sara Fisktoday, and she is the host of
The Ex-Good Girl Podcast.
(00:54):
Thank you so much for beinghere, Sara.
Tell us a little bit aboutyourself.
Sara (00:59):
I am a mom and a wife.
I have five kids.
I have a husband.
I love them, and enjoy beingtheir mom and wife most of the
time.
I am a master certified coachand instructor who has been
working in the people pleasingspace with women for the last
five years.
(01:20):
And I live in the Phoenix,Arizona area.
So we're just getting past theawful heat and hoping for
something like winter or fall.
I would take fall.
Cristina (01:30):
I'm in Houston.
So I totally get it.
It's 95 degrees outside.
Sara (01:35):
Oh, totally.
Yes.
Cristina (01:36):
I bought fall season clothes and I'm still in a tank
top.
Sara (01:40):
Not yet.
Not yet.
Cristina (01:41):
So you're married.
Tell us how you got there.
How did you meet your husband?
Sara (01:45):
We met on a blind date.
I had a friend who wanted tointroduce me to him and I was at
a time, when there were a lot ofpeople worried about me getting
married or not.
Being able to actually findsomeone.
I was getting set up a lot, lotsof blind dates.
(02:06):
Finally, this friend who wantedto set my husband and I up, I
said,"I'm tired of blind dateswhere I don't know who the
person is.
I don't know what theexpectation is.
So I will meet your friend, butI want to meet him in a way that
he doesn't know I am a potentialdate for him.
I want to be able to say yes orno, without the pressure of
(02:28):
being alone with him somewhere."My friend, organized this group
dinner.
I got to know him and I likedhim.
So I wanted another date and wejust kept going from there.
Cristina (02:39):
That's awesome.
I like that you made it to wherethere's not as much pressure of
it being a date.
I'm sure that helped you be alittle more caj maybe?
Sara (02:49):
Yes.
Yeah, it did.
And I'm sure a lot of people wholisten to this are probably
going to feel the same way whenyou become like someone's
"project," and they're trying toset you up and make sure that
you get married or have someoneto be with.
I understand that is from aplace of their heart and
goodwill.
(03:09):
It's just, I got tired of goingout on dates where I was
thinking the whole time,"damnit, I could be home, like
cleaning my room.
I could be doing something elsethat's better with my time right
now." I had no problem with themintroducing me to people.
I just didn't want it to take awhole night of my time to know
(03:30):
hey, I either like this personand want to move forward with
something with them," or no,thank you.
It's not a match."
Cristina (03:37):
I think that it is great to do it as a group
setting.
Yeah.
That's great.
Amazing.
Sara (03:42):
Yes.
Yeah.
Cristina (03:44):
Because then you're actually doing something with
people and if you don't reallylike them, like you don't have
to sit through that wholeprocess and it's just very
natural that way.
Sara (03:54):
Yes.
Yeah.
Cristina (03:55):
Tell me a little bit about, cause you said it a
couple of times about likepeople wanting you or expecting
you to get married.
What does that mean?
Sara (04:04):
So I grew up in a very conservative, religious
organization the Mormon Church,and there is an expectation in
Mormon land, and I say thatactually with a lot of love and
affection for that religiouscommunity.
Although I'm no longer a part ofit, there were parts of it that
were a very good experience forme.
(04:25):
I really struggled with theexpectation that I should get
married because I wasn't afinding anyone that I really
wanted to be married to.
And it just felt like after alittle while, what was more
important was the act of gettingmarried and not necessarily
(04:48):
really being deeply connected tome and who I was.
And finding someone that Iwanted to share my life with and
build a life together with likecommon goals and interests.
It just felt like the religiousimperative to get married as
soon as possible was reallygetting in the way of finding
(05:08):
someone that I really wanted tomarry and be with long term.
Cristina (05:12):
Yeah, I like that you said it's getting in the way of
finding somebody that you wantto be with longterm.
Like for me, I was single for 10years, like it was like 27 to
37.
So it was when the expectationto be married, not necessarily
in a religious setting, but likethe societal norms was like,
"you're supposed to get marriedby a 30 and you're supposed to
have a family and move into ahouse and have babies." And, and
(05:36):
I felt this pressure at 27,"Ohshit, I have to start all over.
And I need to do it within threeyears and I need to get it
going.
And, how am I going to findsomebody to love me and date me
and be with me and marry me inthree years?
What the hell am I going to do?"And It took me a long time, like
more than past 30, to figure outthat I didn't have to have that
(05:57):
story for me.
Sara (05:58):
Yes.
Cristina (05:58):
And I could create the story of however the hell I
wanted it to be.
And even though I wantedmarriage I felt so much pressure
just finding somebody to marryme, and just being married just
so I could have that title thenactually find like the right
relationship.
And I was single the whole time.
So I knew I wasn't going to likejust marry the first person, but
(06:21):
It was such a struggle for me tohave that balance of,"I actually
need to find somebody that Ilove and I want to be with."
Sara (06:27):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And so often that's thestruggle, right?
Like women in patriarchalcountries and where a lot of
this like"good girl" messagingis part of their lives.
What is the most prized thing isto be chosen, and to be in a
relationship, and to be, havingchildren, and that can really
(06:52):
take precedence over findingsomeone that you really just
love and waiting until thatperson shows up, because there's
so much pressure to just fulfillthese roles.
And not wait until it's what'sbest for you.
Cristina (07:11):
Okay.
So you were talking about goodgirls.
So tell me about like"good girlrules," like when you're
starting to date and what doessociety expect of us versus what
would be best for ourselves tostart in that dating area?
Sara (07:29):
Dating is framed when you're looking through the lens
of the"good girl rules." Datingis framed as being chosen.
I want to be chosen.
So I'm going to dress my body ina way that seems like it will
raise the chances of me gettingchosen.
I'm going to write my datingprofile.
If I'm on the apps, I'm going towrite my profile from the
(07:52):
standpoint of what do I thinkpeople will choose?" I'm going
to go on a date with someone andthe whole time I'm going to be
thinking about the experience ifyou're heterosexual he's having
all of my attention is going tobe focused on what he's saying,
how his face looks, his bodylanguage, and I'm going to be
(08:14):
asking myself the whole time,"does he like me?
Is this good enough?
Am I pleasing him?
Am I going to get another date?
Is he going to choose me?" Isthe dialogue in your head so
much so that you don't even stopto ask yourself,"how did I feel
on the date?
How did I find him?
(08:35):
Did I feel like he brought outparts of me that I like?
Did I feel interested?
Was I intellectually stimulated?
Did we have things to talk aboutthat I feel like will produce a
good relationship." We're soexternally focused on what the
other person is experiencing.
(08:57):
It's like we get home from thedate and we're like,"I don't
know if I had a good time.
I was just so focused on himhaving a good time."
Cristina (09:06):
Yes, that is exhausting to have all of those
thoughts at one time.
And I love that you're sayingthis because I actually have for
my clients, I have a, like apost date questionnaire for
every single time you go on adate, you fill out this.
So I have this worksheet that Igive to my clients and every
(09:28):
single time they get off of adate, they need they don't need
to, but it's in their benefit tofill this out.
And actually ask those questionsabout,"did I even like him, did
we have any common interest?"One thing, one of the ones that
I like is,"did I feel safe?
Did I feel comfortable?
Was my body language like, likehow was my body language?
(09:52):
Was it tight and stiff?
Was I relaxed and lookingforward," so I love having those
questions.
Sara (10:00):
Yeah.
Cristina (10:01):
And you're right.
Like I never thought of it theway you're saying it about.
Being chosen because I just, Inever thought about that, but
that's so true.
And you're spending all thistime trying to be chosen the
whole time, like with whatyou're wearing and I'm just
(10:21):
having this epiphany right now.
Sara (10:24):
Yeah.
Cristina (10:24):
But with what you're wearing and your dating profile,
it's pick me.
Here's this strategy.
Let me change up the algorithmso that I can be the one that's
chosen.
Yeah.
It's like blowing my mind rightnow.
Sara (10:37):
and it's exhausting.
And it is what gets women to thepoint where they are chosen.
But then they don't actuallyfeel like they're in a
relationship where they arecared for, where they are
listened to, where they matter,where their preferences are
(10:57):
honored and sought out.
And it's because the date wasn'tthat way, right?
He wasn't listening to you onthe date.
He wasn't asking you youropinions about things on the
date.
And we get so outwardly focusedthat we miss all of that.
And then when we're lookingback, let's say you were now
like in a relationship we'relooking back and we're like,"oh
(11:21):
my gosh, it was there all thetime.
I was there the whole time and Iwas able to just to miss it
because I was so focused on howhe was feeling that I missed how
I was feeling."
Cristina (11:35):
No, it's like a competition or something that
you have with every single otherwoman that you're around and not
even realizing that one personmight not be a good match for
you, but it might be a goodmatch for somebody else.
So it's not really acompetition.
You're just like trying tonavigate which person's the
right fit.
Sara (11:53):
Totally.
Cristina (11:54):
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
But it's like, how do you changethat mindset of being chosen to
like having choices?
I always tell my clients don'tforget that You have choices.
It's not all about,"I hope theylike me.
It's I hope I like them." Like,how do you think that gets
shifted?
Sara (12:13):
It's slowly.
And it's by slowing things downat first, because our habits
exist to automate processes inour lives.
And in some ways, that's reallygood.
That's why people, myself, you,if you drive, we can get in a
car and we're not thinkinganymore about the process of
(12:37):
driving.
It's pretty automatic.
But the same thing happens inour relationships where we are
the one who is used to makingourselves smaller, not sharing
our opinion.
We're the ones who are used toaccommodating and pretzeling
ourselves into whatever shape wethink the other person wants.
And it's very fast and it'sautomatic.
(13:00):
And so the first thing to do,which is why I love your
worksheet, is to slow down.
The experience either as it'shappening, or if you can't do it
as it's happening afterward isfine.
So the process that your clientshave to go through when they
fill out that worksheet slows itdown for them and helps them
see,"Oh, I was focused on himthe entire time.
(13:23):
And I want to take a minute nowand check in with me and see how
I'm doing." And so the processof slowing that down afterward.
In the beginning, when we'rebuilding new skills, we can only
look to the past and gaininsight and awareness about
something that's alreadyhappened.
(13:44):
And so if somebody is fillingout your worksheet, they're
like,"okay, date last Friday, heactually talked over me several
times.
He was rude to our server.
He didn't really seem interestedin me or my life." Okay.
Now that I can see that in thepast.
It's going to become part ofwhat I can start seeing in the
(14:05):
present because you've made mename it and write it down and
pay attention to it in adifferent way.
Cristina (14:12):
Yeah.
And I always tell people I'm allabout second chances and
sometimes first dates are justnerve wracking and sometimes if
you're looking at that page as awhole and you're like,"I really
did like them, this and this washappening." I like the
opportunity for them to go back.
And like you said, and see inthe present, if you go on a
(14:32):
second date, are they stillexperiencing those same things?
Were they nervous or are theymore comfortable now that they
got to know you a little bitmore?
And after that second date, ifit's the same We're good.
"Thank you, but no thank you."
Sara (14:46):
Yeah, for sure.
Cristina (14:48):
Yes, do a chance to see if there is if that's a
pattern or if maybe they werejust, one off having a bad day,
because sometimes I know I'vehad bad days where, I'm just not
feeling it like the whole dayand I'm going on this date and
then I don't show upauthentically or show up myself
because I'm not having a goodday and I'm in a bad mood.
(15:08):
So I don't really show myself inthe good light.
And it's is it better to justcancel and be like,"Hey, can we
reschedule to another day?" Oris it better to show up and be
like,"okay, whatever," secondchances are okay sometimes.
Sara (15:19):
Totally.
Yep.
Totally.
Cristina (15:21):
So what would be some advice for somebody who's
totally not ready to date yet,and is considering it, but
doesn't know how to get started.
What do you think would be ahealthy way to get into that?
Sara (15:35):
First of all, figure out what you want.
If you have a scorecard of theseare the things that more than
anything are important for me.
What would be on there?
If I had to start dating againnow, I would be very specific
about the particular qualitiesthat I'm looking for the
(15:56):
particular maybe lifeexperience.
The earning potential, the kindof life situation, because
another thing, another placewhere some of my clients who
have been through this datingexperience get tripped up is
that they write their profilefor the masses.
(16:19):
And I always remind them, itjust takes one, we just need one
person.
And the more specific you canbe, the more you will repel
people who are not a good matchfor you.
And repelling people is good.
We actually want to repel peoplewho are not a good fit.
(16:40):
And so if you're not on the appsyet and not dating yet, now is
the perfect time to start to dosome of the work that would be
so beneficial to you to get toknow your preferences.
I had a client who, she would,she kept putting like outdoorsy
on her, I'm like, girl, you arenot outdoorsy.
(17:03):
Who are we kidding?
She's I know, but I want a guyto think that I would be willing
to go on a hike.
I'm like then put that willingto go on a hike, not willing to
sleep outdoors.
There's a big difference.
And so doing some of the work toget really specific about you
and what you like, because whenyou are ready to put yourself
(17:23):
out there, whether it's on theapps or otherwise, you want to
be repelling most of the people.
You only need just a handful ofpeople to go on dates with to
get to know better.
Before you end up findingsomeone who is going to be worth
a long time investment.
Cristina (17:44):
It's quality over quantity for sure.
Sara (17:46):
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Cristina (17:47):
It's funny that you said that about that client
because I am that client.
I'm just like that.
Like I had that same experience.
My sister was looking over mydating profile one time.
She's let me see what you'rewriting on here." And she's
going over it.
She's"I just need to write itfor you because you don't know
what you're doing, obviously,since you've been single
forever.
Let me just do it." And she'sreading it.
And she was like,"bitch, when doyou go camping?
(18:10):
You put that you go camping,like, when do you go camping,
that you like to go camping."And I was like,"it's not that I
like to go camping because Ihaven't, but my future self
likes to go camping.
Like I would like a partner totake me freaking camping." She's
like,"then say that." I don'thave a lot of camping
(18:31):
experience, but I would love aguy that would take me on a
camping trip.
Sara (18:34):
That's right.
Cristina (18:35):
She was like, you need to write that way instead of Oh,
I go camping all the timebecause maybe there's somebody
who occasionally likes to camp,but it's not his thing and would
be willing to do it.
And you're repelling him becausehe thinks that you do it all the
time.
Like it's this hobby, yeah.
And I'm It made so much sense,but I was really butthurt about
(18:58):
that for a little while.
Sara (18:59):
All of the pretending that we do to try and convince other
people that we are actuallydifferent than we really are
because we think they will likethat version better.
I can totally understand andhave some compassion for why we
do it, but it absolutely willcome back to bite us in the ass
because eventually they aregoing to expect that we are that
(19:22):
person.
And then we either have tocontinue faking it or.
Tell them the truth.
Cristina (19:29):
Yes.
Okay, with people pleasing,because, I like to call myself
for a recovering people pleaser.
And I know that a lot of times Iwould say, Oh yeah, I'm open to
whatever.
And I like to do anything," andtrying to, again, open to the
masses and be chosen to be like,"okay, I'm cool with anything."
I am, but I have a voice too.
(19:50):
I do like specific things.
But I would try to just be like,"I'm up for anything." And then
a lot of times"up for anything"does not mean what my version of
up for anything is and then it'sturns into some kind of
perverted conversation.
And I'm just like,"maybe I'm notexactly up for anything." But
with people pleasing people tellme what your thoughts are on
(20:12):
that.
Sara (20:14):
So here's how I like to explain it, because, in the way
that I look through the lens ofhuman development and what
actually benefits humans.
People pleasing is not actuallythe problem, because let's say
that you and I are friends.
(20:35):
I want to know what pleases you.
I want to do some of thosethings for you sometime.
I want you to know what pleasesme and to do some of the things
that I really like and enjoysometimes.
And where it gets sticky is, youcan't tell from the outside if
something is people pleasing ornot.
(20:56):
If I show up to your house witha plate of cookies, you don't
know if I am just genuinelyhappy to be there and I made you
your favorite cookie because Ilove you and haven't seen you
for a while, or if I'm worriedthat I offended you, or if I'm
concerned that you're trying tophase our friendship out, or I'm
(21:17):
anxious because you haven'tcalled me lately and I'm just
showing up to try and see if Ican get your attention back.
People pleasing is about havingthat internal experience of not
being able to choose myselfbecause I'm overly connected to
you and your wants and yourneeds and so I can't choose
(21:39):
myself.
But in connected, loving,vulnerable relationships, we do
want to be able to choose theother person.
What we want to be able to do isknow why we're doing it.
Am I chasing this guy because Ifeel like he's the only guy
who's shown any interest, and ifI let him go, there's going to
be no one else.
(22:00):
We want to know what ourmotivations are, because from
the outside for a couple ofmonths, I really pursued the man
who's now my husband.
But it was because I reallygenuinely liked him and wanted
to get to know him better.
And he didn't think that someonelike me would be interested in
him.
But I've pursued other men in mylife.
(22:23):
Where I was really anxious andreally scared that them not
liking me meant something badabout me.
And so catching them and datingthem was really just me trying
to feel better about myself.
And so really understanding whatthe motivation is means being
(22:44):
connected to your internalexperience and that's how you
can know, is it people pleasing,or is it a healthy dynamic,
where in relationships we dowant to do things for each
other.
Cristina (22:58):
Yeah, no, that's really on point because I know
with my boyfriend right now,when we were dating and we were
pursuing each other, it felt sonatural and so easy.
And I didn't ever have.
All of those questions, like itwasn't ever stressed out about,
"Oh, I'm afraid to ask him, whatour situation is like, what kind
(23:22):
of relationship are we like,what stage." Cause you know how
sometimes you'll hear somebodyand they're saying that they're
afraid of asking somebody aquestion and it seems like it's
really basic.
And you're like, ask them." LikeI felt the difference between
dating other people that werewrong for me and dating him
because I never had any of thatanxiety or that like stress
(23:45):
about that.
And still now, four years later,if I want to have a conversation
with them, I'm going to have it.
If it's going to beuncomfortable, is it just going
to be uncomfortable, and we knoweach other well enough now that
it's just you just got to say itbecause we're never going to fix
it.
We're never going to talk aboutit if it just doesn't get talked
about.
So you just got to say it.
Sara (24:03):
A hundred percent.
Cristina (24:04):
And it's so interesting because I just
remember so many times likebasic questions like,"Oh, I'm
afraid to ask him if it's okay,if we go here on this date
instead of our first plan."that's a basic thing to ask.
It's a reasonable request.
Sara (24:20):
Yeah.
Cristina (24:21):
Like, why should I be worried about hurting his
feelings?
If, he thinks that it's a baddate if I ask him to go
somewhere else, who cares?
I just want to go somewhereelse.
It doesn't matter.
Sara (24:33):
Yeah.
And here's what I will add tothat.
I know you're not saying,"whocares," from like an,"I don't
care about this other person"standpoint.
And the way I like to thinkabout it is, ooh, this is like
data that I actually want toget.
"What happens when I hurt hisfeelings?" I'm not going to try
(24:55):
and do it.
But hurting someone's feelingsis a normal part of
relationships.
And so if I am doing everythingI can to avoid hurting his
feelings, I'm actually missingout on an essential piece of
information that I need to beable to know, is this a long
term thing?
Is this something that wouldwork in terms of a relationship
(25:19):
or are we just having fun for alittle while?
And so often because we arescared of making the wrong
choice or we are scared of themnot choosing us.
We don't actually let Situationshappen like hurting each other's
feelings, like disagreeing,having a difference of opinion
(25:41):
on something that reallymatters, and we miss out on
getting the information backthat will really help us make a
better decision about whether ornot this person is a match.
Cristina (25:53):
Yeah, and one thing too that I've noticed with
people is you keep on agreeingand missing out on those
opportunities to disagree andnot have things in common, it
adds up and then you become likeresentful.
Because you're not allowingthese things and you're just Oh,
I'm just going to do whateverthey think, whatever's going to
(26:14):
make them happy.
And I don't want to haveconfrontation because it's going
to be uncomfortable.
So I'm just going to let it go.
And then you have thisresentment.
Sara (26:23):
Yeah.
Cristina (26:24):
What do you think?
Sara (26:26):
Resentment is one of the emotions that is universal for
someone who's a people pleaser.
It might be buried under thereway down deep across the board.
When I talk to women who arewanting to work on their people
pleasing, they say that theyfeel a lot of resentment because
they don't feel considered.
(26:47):
Their wants and their needsdon't feel like they're on the
same level and getting the sameattention as everybody else's
and I have a lot of compassionfor that.
And sometimes what I end uphaving to say is that's because
you were never programmed rightfor your wants and needs to
matter.
(27:07):
And also you have taught all thepeople in your life.
That your wants and needs don'tmatter by the way that you self
sacrifice and you pretend likeyou're tough.
You pretend like you can take itand do it all.
You pretend like you don't needhelp.
What are the people in your lifesupposed to make of that?
(27:28):
And so there is sharedresponsibility there.
Cristina (27:31):
No, I totally agree.
And being an people pleaser, Iused to cancel dates.
So I can babysit for my sister,like I would be getting ready
for a date and my sister wouldcall and be like,"Oh, I have
whatever to do.
Can you come over and babysitreal quick?" and I would cancel
my date because I wanted to be agood aunt.
(27:51):
Like I thought it meant that ifI said just went and helped my
sister out.
I'm doing her a favor.
She's going to love me morebecause I'm helping her out so
she can do whatever she needs todo.
And that's going to mean I'mgoing to be a good aunt to go do
that.
But then I'm sacrificing my owntime and my own potential future
for a partner, like by cancelingthat date and my sister,
(28:17):
potentially could haverescheduled that, and didn't
have to do it right then andthere.
Maybe I could say,"Hey, I can'tdo it today, but I can do it
tomorrow." And I had to teachmyself/teach her that boundary,
and it started with aconversation of saying,"Hey, I
love to help.
And I love to babysit, but I'mnot so great at the last minute
(28:40):
calls, but I'm happy to do it ifyou plan a day ahead of time.
I can give an opportunity to sayyes or no, by my schedule.
And then it also, it's a no, itgives her an opportunity to find
a plan B and either rescheduleor find somebody else to help
out or whatever.
And it made me feel like I canbe a better aunt and a better
(29:00):
sister by creating thatboundary.
But it, it took 35 years.
Sara (29:07):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I bet that if we, had thetime to get into it and if I
asked you about some of yourinternal experience, there was
some guilt there, someobligation, some worrying about
what she would say if you saidno and a history of you bending
your needs to hers for a longperiod of time.
Cristina (29:31):
A thousand percent, because I'm a little sister.
So.
Sara (29:33):
And so when I talk about really tuning into what's going
on inside me, you would haveseen all of that.
And then it might have helpedyou.
It sounds like you did anyway,once we can see Oh, I am not
actually showing up for mysister tonight because I love
her and I love her child.
(29:54):
I'm afraid I'm feelingobligation.
I'm feeling guilt.
Is that okay with me?
Do I like that?
Do I want my life to be run byguilt and obligation or do I
want something else for myself?
And only when you really seethat internal experience, can
you make a choice about havingsomething else?
Cristina (30:17):
No, that's a hundred percent.
Like you can't say any better,but it was definitely a lesson
learned that I had through mydating experiences.
And it's it's been a lessonthat's been able to grow into my
dating life and my otherrelationships.
And it just took one person topractice that with and it got
easier.
So now, I'm not dating anymore,but when I was dating, I got to
(30:40):
learn how to just speak up formyself.
And yeah, say what I wantedinstead of being that, Oh, okay,
I'm up for whatever kind ofperson.
So definitely a learningexperience and it took me 10
years to figure it out, but Ifinally did.
Sara (30:54):
Yeah.
So good.
Cristina (30:56):
So how can people find you?
Sara (30:59):
I spend most of my time on Instagram@sarahfiskcoach.
I also have a free Facebookcommunity for anyone who wants
to start to dive intounderstanding how their own
people pleasing affects not justtheir dating life, but the rest
of their life too.
Cause here's what I can tell youfor sure is if it's showing up
(31:21):
in your dating, it's showing upin other areas of your life as
well.
The group is called,"Stop PeoplePleasing with Sara Fisk." And I
have a website, SaraFisk.Coach.
Cristina (31:33):
Awesome.
Thank you so much for being onthe podcast today.
I really appreciate all of yourinsight.
Sara (31:38):
Absolutely.
Thank you for having me.
Cristina (31:41):
Bye.
I'm Cristina.
After 10 years of dating, I wastired of attracting the wrong
type of guys and thinking I hadto lose weight to find love.
I finally figured out how todate and I found the love I
thought I would never find eachweek.
I'll teach you dating advice,share dating stories and help
you ditch the dating drama.
My goal is to help you have funand create the life you love.
(00:34):
If you're ready to take yourdating to another level, then
listen up and let's go.
Hello, everyone.
I'm so excited about thisepisode of The Curvy Girl Dating
Podcast.
We have our host Sara Fisktoday, and she is the host of
The Ex-Good Girl Podcast.
(00:54):
Thank you so much for beinghere, Sara.
Tell us a little bit aboutyourself.
Sara (00:59):
I am a mom and a wife.
I have five kids.
I have a husband.
I love them, and enjoy beingtheir mom and wife most of the
time.
I am a master certified coachand instructor who has been
working in the people pleasingspace with women for the last
five years.
(01:20):
And I live in the Phoenix,Arizona area.
So we're just getting past theawful heat and hoping for
something like winter or fall.
I would take fall.
Cristina (01:30):
I'm in Houston.
So I totally get it.
It's 95 degrees outside.
Sara (01:35):
Oh, totally.
Yes.
Cristina (01:36):
I bought fall season clothes and I'm still in a tank
top.
Sara (01:40):
Not yet.
Not yet.
Cristina (01:41):
So you're married.
Tell us how you got there.
How did you meet your husband?
Sara (01:45):
We met on a blind date.
I had a friend who wanted tointroduce me to him and I was at
a time, when there were a lot ofpeople worried about me getting
married or not.
Being able to actually findsomeone.
I was getting set up a lot, lotsof blind dates.
(02:06):
Finally, this friend who wantedto set my husband and I up, I
said,"I'm tired of blind dateswhere I don't know who the
person is.
I don't know what theexpectation is.
So I will meet your friend, butI want to meet him in a way that
he doesn't know I am a potentialdate for him.
I want to be able to say yes orno, without the pressure of
(02:28):
being alone with him somewhere."My friend, organized this group
dinner.
I got to know him and I likedhim.
So I wanted another date and wejust kept going from there.
Cristina (02:39):
That's awesome.
I like that you made it to wherethere's not as much pressure of
it being a date.
I'm sure that helped you be alittle more caj maybe?
Sara (02:49):
Yes.
Yeah, it did.
And I'm sure a lot of people wholisten to this are probably
going to feel the same way whenyou become like someone's
"project," and they're trying toset you up and make sure that
you get married or have someoneto be with.
I understand that is from aplace of their heart and
goodwill.
(03:09):
It's just, I got tired of goingout on dates where I was
thinking the whole time,"damnit, I could be home, like
cleaning my room.
I could be doing something elsethat's better with my time right
now." I had no problem with themintroducing me to people.
I just didn't want it to take awhole night of my time to know
(03:30):
hey, I either like this personand want to move forward with
something with them," or no,thank you.
It's not a match."
Cristina (03:37):
I think that it is great to do it as a group
setting.
Yeah.
That's great.
Amazing.
Sara (03:42):
Yes.
Yeah.
Cristina (03:44):
Because then you're actually doing something with
people and if you don't reallylike them, like you don't have
to sit through that wholeprocess and it's just very
natural that way.
Sara (03:54):
Yes.
Yeah.
Cristina (03:55):
Tell me a little bit about, cause you said it a
couple of times about likepeople wanting you or expecting
you to get married.
What does that mean?
Sara (04:04):
So I grew up in a very conservative, religious
organization the Mormon Church,and there is an expectation in
Mormon land, and I say thatactually with a lot of love and
affection for that religiouscommunity.
Although I'm no longer a part ofit, there were parts of it that
were a very good experience forme.
(04:25):
I really struggled with theexpectation that I should get
married because I wasn't afinding anyone that I really
wanted to be married to.
And it just felt like after alittle while, what was more
important was the act of gettingmarried and not necessarily
(04:48):
really being deeply connected tome and who I was.
And finding someone that Iwanted to share my life with and
build a life together with likecommon goals and interests.
It just felt like the religiousimperative to get married as
soon as possible was reallygetting in the way of finding
(05:08):
someone that I really wanted tomarry and be with long term.
Cristina (05:12):
Yeah, I like that you said it's getting in the way of
finding somebody that you wantto be with longterm.
Like for me, I was single for 10years, like it was like 27 to
37.
So it was when the expectationto be married, not necessarily
in a religious setting, but likethe societal norms was like,
"you're supposed to get marriedby a 30 and you're supposed to
have a family and move into ahouse and have babies." And, and
(05:36):
I felt this pressure at 27,"Ohshit, I have to start all over.
And I need to do it within threeyears and I need to get it
going.
And, how am I going to findsomebody to love me and date me
and be with me and marry me inthree years?
What the hell am I going to do?"And It took me a long time, like
more than past 30, to figure outthat I didn't have to have that
(05:57):
story for me.
Sara (05:58):
Yes.
Cristina (05:58):
And I could create the story of however the hell I
wanted it to be.
And even though I wantedmarriage I felt so much pressure
just finding somebody to marryme, and just being married just
so I could have that title thenactually find like the right
relationship.
And I was single the whole time.
So I knew I wasn't going to likejust marry the first person, but
(06:21):
It was such a struggle for me tohave that balance of,"I actually
need to find somebody that Ilove and I want to be with."
Sara (06:27):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And so often that's thestruggle, right?
Like women in patriarchalcountries and where a lot of
this like"good girl" messagingis part of their lives.
What is the most prized thing isto be chosen, and to be in a
relationship, and to be, havingchildren, and that can really
(06:52):
take precedence over findingsomeone that you really just
love and waiting until thatperson shows up, because there's
so much pressure to just fulfillthese roles.
And not wait until it's what'sbest for you.
Cristina (07:11):
Okay.
So you were talking about goodgirls.
So tell me about like"good girlrules," like when you're
starting to date and what doessociety expect of us versus what
would be best for ourselves tostart in that dating area?
Sara (07:29):
Dating is framed when you're looking through the lens
of the"good girl rules." Datingis framed as being chosen.
I want to be chosen.
So I'm going to dress my body ina way that seems like it will
raise the chances of me gettingchosen.
I'm going to write my datingprofile.
If I'm on the apps, I'm going towrite my profile from the
(07:52):
standpoint of what do I thinkpeople will choose?" I'm going
to go on a date with someone andthe whole time I'm going to be
thinking about the experience ifyou're heterosexual he's having
all of my attention is going tobe focused on what he's saying,
how his face looks, his bodylanguage, and I'm going to be
(08:14):
asking myself the whole time,"does he like me?
Is this good enough?
Am I pleasing him?
Am I going to get another date?
Is he going to choose me?" Isthe dialogue in your head so
much so that you don't even stopto ask yourself,"how did I feel
on the date?
How did I find him?
(08:35):
Did I feel like he brought outparts of me that I like?
Did I feel interested?
Was I intellectually stimulated?
Did we have things to talk aboutthat I feel like will produce a
good relationship." We're soexternally focused on what the
other person is experiencing.
(08:57):
It's like we get home from thedate and we're like,"I don't
know if I had a good time.
I was just so focused on himhaving a good time."
Cristina (09:06):
Yes, that is exhausting to have all of those
thoughts at one time.
And I love that you're sayingthis because I actually have for
my clients, I have a, like apost date questionnaire for
every single time you go on adate, you fill out this.
So I have this worksheet that Igive to my clients and every
(09:28):
single time they get off of adate, they need they don't need
to, but it's in their benefit tofill this out.
And actually ask those questionsabout,"did I even like him, did
we have any common interest?"One thing, one of the ones that
I like is,"did I feel safe?
Did I feel comfortable?
Was my body language like, likehow was my body language?
(09:52):
Was it tight and stiff?
Was I relaxed and lookingforward," so I love having those
questions.
Sara (10:00):
Yeah.
Cristina (10:01):
And you're right.
Like I never thought of it theway you're saying it about.
Being chosen because I just, Inever thought about that, but
that's so true.
And you're spending all thistime trying to be chosen the
whole time, like with whatyou're wearing and I'm just
(10:21):
having this epiphany right now.
Sara (10:24):
Yeah.
Cristina (10:24):
But with what you're wearing and your dating profile,
it's pick me.
Here's this strategy.
Let me change up the algorithmso that I can be the one that's
chosen.
Yeah.
It's like blowing my mind rightnow.
Sara (10:37):
and it's exhausting.
And it is what gets women to thepoint where they are chosen.
But then they don't actuallyfeel like they're in a
relationship where they arecared for, where they are
listened to, where they matter,where their preferences are
(10:57):
honored and sought out.
And it's because the date wasn'tthat way, right?
He wasn't listening to you onthe date.
He wasn't asking you youropinions about things on the
date.
And we get so outwardly focusedthat we miss all of that.
And then when we're lookingback, let's say you were now
like in a relationship we'relooking back and we're like,"oh
(11:21):
my gosh, it was there all thetime.
I was there the whole time and Iwas able to just to miss it
because I was so focused on howhe was feeling that I missed how
I was feeling."
Cristina (11:35):
No, it's like a competition or something that
you have with every single otherwoman that you're around and not
even realizing that one personmight not be a good match for
you, but it might be a goodmatch for somebody else.
So it's not really acompetition.
You're just like trying tonavigate which person's the
right fit.
Sara (11:53):
Totally.
Cristina (11:54):
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
But it's like, how do you changethat mindset of being chosen to
like having choices?
I always tell my clients don'tforget that You have choices.
It's not all about,"I hope theylike me.
It's I hope I like them." Like,how do you think that gets
shifted?
Sara (12:13):
It's slowly.
And it's by slowing things downat first, because our habits
exist to automate processes inour lives.
And in some ways, that's reallygood.
That's why people, myself, you,if you drive, we can get in a
car and we're not thinkinganymore about the process of
(12:37):
driving.
It's pretty automatic.
But the same thing happens inour relationships where we are
the one who is used to makingourselves smaller, not sharing
our opinion.
We're the ones who are used toaccommodating and pretzeling
ourselves into whatever shape wethink the other person wants.
And it's very fast and it'sautomatic.
(13:00):
And so the first thing to do,which is why I love your
worksheet, is to slow down.
The experience either as it'shappening, or if you can't do it
as it's happening afterward isfine.
So the process that your clientshave to go through when they
fill out that worksheet slows itdown for them and helps them
see,"Oh, I was focused on himthe entire time.
(13:23):
And I want to take a minute nowand check in with me and see how
I'm doing." And so the processof slowing that down afterward.
In the beginning, when we'rebuilding new skills, we can only
look to the past and gaininsight and awareness about
something that's alreadyhappened.
(13:44):
And so if somebody is fillingout your worksheet, they're
like,"okay, date last Friday, heactually talked over me several
times.
He was rude to our server.
He didn't really seem interestedin me or my life." Okay.
Now that I can see that in thepast.
It's going to become part ofwhat I can start seeing in the
(14:05):
present because you've made mename it and write it down and
pay attention to it in adifferent way.
Cristina (14:12):
Yeah.
And I always tell people I'm allabout second chances and
sometimes first dates are justnerve wracking and sometimes if
you're looking at that page as awhole and you're like,"I really
did like them, this and this washappening." I like the
opportunity for them to go back.
And like you said, and see inthe present, if you go on a
(14:32):
second date, are they stillexperiencing those same things?
Were they nervous or are theymore comfortable now that they
got to know you a little bitmore?
And after that second date, ifit's the same We're good.
"Thank you, but no thank you."
Sara (14:46):
Yeah, for sure.
Cristina (14:48):
Yes, do a chance to see if there is if that's a
pattern or if maybe they werejust, one off having a bad day,
because sometimes I know I'vehad bad days where, I'm just not
feeling it like the whole dayand I'm going on this date and
then I don't show upauthentically or show up myself
because I'm not having a goodday and I'm in a bad mood.
(15:08):
So I don't really show myself inthe good light.
And it's is it better to justcancel and be like,"Hey, can we
reschedule to another day?" Oris it better to show up and be
like,"okay, whatever," secondchances are okay sometimes.
Sara (15:19):
Totally.
Yep.
Totally.
Cristina (15:21):
So what would be some advice for somebody who's
totally not ready to date yet,and is considering it, but
doesn't know how to get started.
What do you think would be ahealthy way to get into that?
Sara (15:35):
First of all, figure out what you want.
If you have a scorecard of theseare the things that more than
anything are important for me.
What would be on there?
If I had to start dating againnow, I would be very specific
about the particular qualitiesthat I'm looking for the
(15:56):
particular maybe lifeexperience.
The earning potential, the kindof life situation, because
another thing, another placewhere some of my clients who
have been through this datingexperience get tripped up is
that they write their profilefor the masses.
(16:19):
And I always remind them, itjust takes one, we just need one
person.
And the more specific you canbe, the more you will repel
people who are not a good matchfor you.
And repelling people is good.
We actually want to repel peoplewho are not a good fit.
(16:40):
And so if you're not on the appsyet and not dating yet, now is
the perfect time to start to dosome of the work that would be
so beneficial to you to get toknow your preferences.
I had a client who, she would,she kept putting like outdoorsy
on her, I'm like, girl, you arenot outdoorsy.
(17:03):
Who are we kidding?
She's I know, but I want a guyto think that I would be willing
to go on a hike.
I'm like then put that willingto go on a hike, not willing to
sleep outdoors.
There's a big difference.
And so doing some of the work toget really specific about you
and what you like, because whenyou are ready to put yourself
(17:23):
out there, whether it's on theapps or otherwise, you want to
be repelling most of the people.
You only need just a handful ofpeople to go on dates with to
get to know better.
Before you end up findingsomeone who is going to be worth
a long time investment.
Cristina (17:44):
It's quality over quantity for sure.
Sara (17:46):
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Cristina (17:47):
It's funny that you said that about that client
because I am that client.
I'm just like that.
Like I had that same experience.
My sister was looking over mydating profile one time.
She's let me see what you'rewriting on here." And she's
going over it.
She's"I just need to write itfor you because you don't know
what you're doing, obviously,since you've been single
forever.
Let me just do it." And she'sreading it.
And she was like,"bitch, when doyou go camping?
(18:10):
You put that you go camping,like, when do you go camping,
that you like to go camping."And I was like,"it's not that I
like to go camping because Ihaven't, but my future self
likes to go camping.
Like I would like a partner totake me freaking camping." She's
like,"then say that." I don'thave a lot of camping
(18:31):
experience, but I would love aguy that would take me on a
camping trip.
Sara (18:34):
That's right.
Cristina (18:35):
She was like, you need to write that way instead of Oh,
I go camping all the timebecause maybe there's somebody
who occasionally likes to camp,but it's not his thing and would
be willing to do it.
And you're repelling him becausehe thinks that you do it all the
time.
Like it's this hobby, yeah.
And I'm It made so much sense,but I was really butthurt about
(18:58):
that for a little while.
Sara (18:59):
All of the pretending that we do to try and convince other
people that we are actuallydifferent than we really are
because we think they will likethat version better.
I can totally understand andhave some compassion for why we
do it, but it absolutely willcome back to bite us in the ass
because eventually they aregoing to expect that we are that
(19:22):
person.
And then we either have tocontinue faking it or.
Tell them the truth.
Cristina (19:29):
Yes.
Okay, with people pleasing,because, I like to call myself
for a recovering people pleaser.
And I know that a lot of times Iwould say, Oh yeah, I'm open to
whatever.
And I like to do anything," andtrying to, again, open to the
masses and be chosen to be like,"okay, I'm cool with anything."
I am, but I have a voice too.
(19:50):
I do like specific things.
But I would try to just be like,"I'm up for anything." And then
a lot of times"up for anything"does not mean what my version of
up for anything is and then it'sturns into some kind of
perverted conversation.
And I'm just like,"maybe I'm notexactly up for anything." But
with people pleasing people tellme what your thoughts are on
(20:12):
that.
Sara (20:14):
So here's how I like to explain it, because, in the way
that I look through the lens ofhuman development and what
actually benefits humans.
People pleasing is not actuallythe problem, because let's say
that you and I are friends.
(20:35):
I want to know what pleases you.
I want to do some of thosethings for you sometime.
I want you to know what pleasesme and to do some of the things
that I really like and enjoysometimes.
And where it gets sticky is, youcan't tell from the outside if
something is people pleasing ornot.
(20:56):
If I show up to your house witha plate of cookies, you don't
know if I am just genuinelyhappy to be there and I made you
your favorite cookie because Ilove you and haven't seen you
for a while, or if I'm worriedthat I offended you, or if I'm
concerned that you're trying tophase our friendship out, or I'm
(21:17):
anxious because you haven'tcalled me lately and I'm just
showing up to try and see if Ican get your attention back.
People pleasing is about havingthat internal experience of not
being able to choose myselfbecause I'm overly connected to
you and your wants and yourneeds and so I can't choose
(21:39):
myself.
But in connected, loving,vulnerable relationships, we do
want to be able to choose theother person.
What we want to be able to do isknow why we're doing it.
Am I chasing this guy because Ifeel like he's the only guy
who's shown any interest, and ifI let him go, there's going to
be no one else.
(22:00):
We want to know what ourmotivations are, because from
the outside for a couple ofmonths, I really pursued the man
who's now my husband.
But it was because I reallygenuinely liked him and wanted
to get to know him better.
And he didn't think that someonelike me would be interested in
him.
But I've pursued other men in mylife.
(22:23):
Where I was really anxious andreally scared that them not
liking me meant something badabout me.
And so catching them and datingthem was really just me trying
to feel better about myself.
And so really understanding whatthe motivation is means being
(22:44):
connected to your internalexperience and that's how you
can know, is it people pleasing,or is it a healthy dynamic,
where in relationships we dowant to do things for each
other.
Cristina (22:58):
Yeah, no, that's really on point because I know
with my boyfriend right now,when we were dating and we were
pursuing each other, it felt sonatural and so easy.
And I didn't ever have.
All of those questions, like itwasn't ever stressed out about,
"Oh, I'm afraid to ask him, whatour situation is like, what kind
(23:22):
of relationship are we like,what stage." Cause you know how
sometimes you'll hear somebodyand they're saying that they're
afraid of asking somebody aquestion and it seems like it's
really basic.
And you're like, ask them." LikeI felt the difference between
dating other people that werewrong for me and dating him
because I never had any of thatanxiety or that like stress
(23:45):
about that.
And still now, four years later,if I want to have a conversation
with them, I'm going to have it.
If it's going to beuncomfortable, is it just going
to be uncomfortable, and we knoweach other well enough now that
it's just you just got to say itbecause we're never going to fix
it.
We're never going to talk aboutit if it just doesn't get talked
about.
So you just got to say it.
Sara (24:03):
A hundred percent.
Cristina (24:04):
And it's so interesting because I just
remember so many times likebasic questions like,"Oh, I'm
afraid to ask him if it's okay,if we go here on this date
instead of our first plan."that's a basic thing to ask.
It's a reasonable request.
Sara (24:20):
Yeah.
Cristina (24:21):
Like, why should I be worried about hurting his
feelings?
If, he thinks that it's a baddate if I ask him to go
somewhere else, who cares?
I just want to go somewhereelse.
It doesn't matter.
Sara (24:33):
Yeah.
And here's what I will add tothat.
I know you're not saying,"whocares," from like an,"I don't
care about this other person"standpoint.
And the way I like to thinkabout it is, ooh, this is like
data that I actually want toget.
"What happens when I hurt hisfeelings?" I'm not going to try
(24:55):
and do it.
But hurting someone's feelingsis a normal part of
relationships.
And so if I am doing everythingI can to avoid hurting his
feelings, I'm actually missingout on an essential piece of
information that I need to beable to know, is this a long
term thing?
Is this something that wouldwork in terms of a relationship
(25:19):
or are we just having fun for alittle while?
And so often because we arescared of making the wrong
choice or we are scared of themnot choosing us.
We don't actually let Situationshappen like hurting each other's
feelings, like disagreeing,having a difference of opinion
(25:41):
on something that reallymatters, and we miss out on
getting the information backthat will really help us make a
better decision about whether ornot this person is a match.
Cristina (25:53):
Yeah, and one thing too that I've noticed with
people is you keep on agreeingand missing out on those
opportunities to disagree andnot have things in common, it
adds up and then you become likeresentful.
Because you're not allowingthese things and you're just Oh,
I'm just going to do whateverthey think, whatever's going to
(26:14):
make them happy.
And I don't want to haveconfrontation because it's going
to be uncomfortable.
So I'm just going to let it go.
And then you have thisresentment.
Sara (26:23):
Yeah.
Cristina (26:24):
What do you think?
Sara (26:26):
Resentment is one of the emotions that is universal for
someone who's a people pleaser.
It might be buried under thereway down deep across the board.
When I talk to women who arewanting to work on their people
pleasing, they say that theyfeel a lot of resentment because
they don't feel considered.
(26:47):
Their wants and their needsdon't feel like they're on the
same level and getting the sameattention as everybody else's
and I have a lot of compassionfor that.
And sometimes what I end uphaving to say is that's because
you were never programmed rightfor your wants and needs to
matter.
(27:07):
And also you have taught all thepeople in your life.
That your wants and needs don'tmatter by the way that you self
sacrifice and you pretend likeyou're tough.
You pretend like you can take itand do it all.
You pretend like you don't needhelp.
What are the people in your lifesupposed to make of that?
(27:28):
And so there is sharedresponsibility there.
Cristina (27:31):
No, I totally agree.
And being an people pleaser, Iused to cancel dates.
So I can babysit for my sister,like I would be getting ready
for a date and my sister wouldcall and be like,"Oh, I have
whatever to do.
Can you come over and babysitreal quick?" and I would cancel
my date because I wanted to be agood aunt.
(27:51):
Like I thought it meant that ifI said just went and helped my
sister out.
I'm doing her a favor.
She's going to love me morebecause I'm helping her out so
she can do whatever she needs todo.
And that's going to mean I'mgoing to be a good aunt to go do
that.
But then I'm sacrificing my owntime and my own potential future
for a partner, like by cancelingthat date and my sister,
(28:17):
potentially could haverescheduled that, and didn't
have to do it right then andthere.
Maybe I could say,"Hey, I can'tdo it today, but I can do it
tomorrow." And I had to teachmyself/teach her that boundary,
and it started with aconversation of saying,"Hey, I
love to help.
And I love to babysit, but I'mnot so great at the last minute
(28:40):
calls, but I'm happy to do it ifyou plan a day ahead of time.
I can give an opportunity to sayyes or no, by my schedule.
And then it also, it's a no, itgives her an opportunity to find
a plan B and either rescheduleor find somebody else to help
out or whatever.
And it made me feel like I canbe a better aunt and a better
(29:00):
sister by creating thatboundary.
But it, it took 35 years.
Sara (29:07):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I bet that if we, had thetime to get into it and if I
asked you about some of yourinternal experience, there was
some guilt there, someobligation, some worrying about
what she would say if you saidno and a history of you bending
your needs to hers for a longperiod of time.
Cristina (29:31):
A thousand percent, because I'm a little sister.
So.
Sara (29:33):
And so when I talk about really tuning into what's going
on inside me, you would haveseen all of that.
And then it might have helpedyou.
It sounds like you did anyway,once we can see Oh, I am not
actually showing up for mysister tonight because I love
her and I love her child.
(29:54):
I'm afraid I'm feelingobligation.
I'm feeling guilt.
Is that okay with me?
Do I like that?
Do I want my life to be run byguilt and obligation or do I
want something else for myself?
And only when you really seethat internal experience, can
you make a choice about havingsomething else?
Cristina (30:17):
No, that's a hundred percent.
Like you can't say any better,but it was definitely a lesson
learned that I had through mydating experiences.
And it's it's been a lessonthat's been able to grow into my
dating life and my otherrelationships.
And it just took one person topractice that with and it got
easier.
So now, I'm not dating anymore,but when I was dating, I got to
(30:40):
learn how to just speak up formyself.
And yeah, say what I wantedinstead of being that, Oh, okay,
I'm up for whatever kind ofperson.
So definitely a learningexperience and it took me 10
years to figure it out, but Ifinally did.
Sara (30:54):
Yeah.
So good.
Cristina (30:56):
So how can people find you?
Sara (30:59):
I spend most of my time on Instagram@sarahfiskcoach.
I also have a free Facebookcommunity for anyone who wants
to start to dive intounderstanding how their own
people pleasing affects not justtheir dating life, but the rest
of their life too.
Cause here's what I can tell youfor sure is if it's showing up
(31:21):
in your dating, it's showing upin other areas of your life as
well.
The group is called,"Stop PeoplePleasing with Sara Fisk." And I
have a website, SaraFisk.Coach.
Cristina (31:33):
Awesome.
Thank you so much for being onthe podcast today.
I really appreciate all of yourinsight.
Sara (31:38):
Absolutely.
Thank you for having me.
Cristina (31:41):
Bye.
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