January 21, 2025 • 25 mins
In Episode 26 of the Curvy Girl Dating Podcast titled 'He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not,' Cristina discusses how to discern a man's genuine interest in you. Drawing from her personal dating experiences, Cristina emphasizes the importance of consistent communication, active listening, and thoughtful date planning. She shares insights on how to identify superficial behaviors, such as flaky plans and minimal effort in conversations. Cristina also highlights the significance of body language, verbal compliments, and vulnerability in determining a man's true feelings. Additionally, she provides advice for those struggling with recurring dating patterns and encourages listeners to schedule a free consultation for personalized coaching. The episode aims to help listeners avoid unnecessary dating drama and build meaningful connections.
00:00 Introduction to the Curvy Girl Dating Podcast
00:42 Weekend Recap: Chili and Gumbo Cookoff
01:35 Main Topic: Does He Like Me or Not?
02:23 Signs He's Interested or Not
02:54 Communication: The Key Indicator
05:54 Making and Keeping Plans
09:15 Body Language and Compliments
10:47 Personal Stories and Vulnerability
14:01 Consistency and Genuine Interest
15:01 Ryan's Unique Approach
18:12 Red Flags and Mixed Signals
23:38 Conclusion and How to Work with Me
Consultation Call: https://calendly.com/cristinacoaches/discovery-session
FREE Curvy Girl Dating Checklist: https://thecurvygirldatingcoach.myflodesk.com/datingchecklist
Website: https://www.thecurvygirldatingcoach.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Cristina (00:00):
You are listening to the Curvy Girl Dating Podcast,
Episode 26 (00:04):
He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not.
Hi, I'm Cristina.
After 10 years of dating, I wastired of attracting the wrong
type of guys and thinking I hadto lose weight to find love.
I finally figured out how todate and I found the love I
thought I would never find eachweek.
(00:25):
I'll teach you dating advice,share dating stories and help
you ditch the dating drama.
My goal is to help you have funand create the life you love.
If you're ready to take yourdating to another level, then
listen up and let's go.
Hello everyone.
Welcome to The Curvy Girl DatingPodcast.
(00:47):
I'm looking a little bustedtoday, but I'm just not even
worried about it.
It's been a fun weekend and Ihad a really nice time with my
family.
We went to a chili and gumbocookoff.
I participated in it with myuncle and it was for our
neighborhood.
And so my uncle and I, signed upfor this cookoff and we had a
(01:10):
really great time.
It was freezing for us.
It was 40 degrees, but it was socold.
It was so cold, but it was sunnyas it was really nice to be out
and warm up with some chili andjust listen to music and a live
band and all the things.
So we had a really nice time.
So anyways, I'm a little bustedfrom that because I'm just
(01:32):
tired.
So it was a long day.
Anyways, Today, we're going totalk about a big topic that is
super important.
It's does he like me or does henot, and I remember I spent so
many times talking to mygirlfriends about, I don't know
if he likes me.
And what do you think?
And he said this and like wewould overanalyze text messages
(01:56):
or conversations that we had andthink, what does he mean by
that?
And it just took a lot of timeto do that.
And had I known that some signson if this person was into me or
if this person wasn't into me Itprobably would have saved me a
(02:17):
lot more time and I'd have a lotless overthinking than I did for
10 years.
So I'm offering you signs thathe is interested and signs that
he's not.
This is not solid concrete proofor anything.
Cause of course everyone isdifferent, but overall, these
(02:37):
are some general characteristicsof, he loves me, he loves me
not, right?
I remember playing that gamewhen you were a little kid with
the flowers.
Anyways, did anybody else dothat?
Or when you pick the petals offflowers and he loves me, he
loves me not?
Anyways, I remember doing thatwhen I was a kid.
So one thing for sure is, thetype of communication that you
(02:58):
have.
Is it consistent or is itinconsistent?
If he tells you good morningevery morning and then asks you
how the weather is and asks youhow your day was and then tells
you good night every day, andit's the same conversation every
single day, that does not meanthat he's interested.
You are misinterpreting that.
(03:19):
It either means that he'sinterested and he doesn't want
to have a conversation, or itmeans he's just not interested
and he's just keeping you aroundfor whatever reason.
Cause he's bored or he needs aego boost or something, but he
is not interested.
If all he's asking is"how's theweather, or it's so cold
outside.""I know we live in thesame town.
(03:42):
I can make that observation aswell." Oh, it's raining so hard
today.""Thanks.
I looked outside," right?
So anyways, I've called those,"how's the weather" guys plenty
of times before, if you've heardme for a while, but, the"good
morning, good night" guys,that's all they say and they
don't really have any substance.
They're interested to a degreeof keeping you around for some
(04:05):
reason, but that's their ownpersonal gain versus anything
else.
But I would, in my opinion,believe that is not someone who
has a genuine interest in youbecause they're not getting to
know you.
They're not being vulnerable.
They're not asking you goodquestions or getting to know
your real personality and whoyou are.
It's just at a very superficiallevel of"hi, how are you?
(04:28):
And good night." Number onesign: just communication
overall.
So one, it's the consistency ofhow often he talks to you.
And then another thing is activelistening.
When you're getting to know eachother, is he actually listening
to you and thinking about youand asking questions that go
beyond that?
(04:49):
Is he paying attention to youand what you have to say?
And is he like genuinely curiousabout your life?
Do you have hobbies andinterests?
Is he asking you about them,getting to know what they are.
Does he have the same interestas you?
Is it something that you can goon future dates on and, enjoy
time together doing a commoninterest?
(05:12):
What are the conversations thatyou're actually having?
Are the conversations allsuperficial, just talking about
work or, telling Superficialstories about the day.
Are you talking about yourfamily or past stories that
created your personality or werelike some stories that were
building blocks into creatingthe version of who you are
(05:36):
today.
What kind of conversations areyou having?
Are they genuine and actuallywith substance or are they
superficial, so that's a way tounderstand.
So communication is soimportant.
What you guys are talking aboutin general.
Another one I would say isplans.
(05:56):
Is he making plans and followingthrough?
Is he asking you out on dates?
And maybe he's not a person thatalways wants to make the plan on
dates, but is he making an offerto open up and ask you,"what
kind of date would you like togo on?
I'd like to see you again.
What would you like to do?" Andmaybe he needs some help,
(06:18):
initiating a date plan orcreating something that he wants
you to like as well, right?
Because what if he's making allthese dates that you don't like?
So that's a personal insecurityfor guys sometimes.
So a lot of times they do askfor your input because they want
to see you having a good timeand they care about if you're
(06:38):
having a good time or not,right?
So if they make all these plansand they're boring and they have
nothing to do with you and youdon't like them and it's all
kind of his interest.
Like say you hate sports and hekeeps taking you to baseball
games.
He's not giving you opportunityto put any input.
He's not even asking you orcaring if you like baseball or
(06:59):
not.
Like he likes baseball.
He wants somebody to go withhim.
So he is inviting you.
Yes, he's getting to have a goodtime, but there's not really a
direct connection on whether ornot you care or like the date at
all, right?
So that's what I mean bypersonal gain, I guess.
So, pay attention to the kindsof dates that you're going on
(07:23):
and do you actually like them?
Do you have an input?
If you don't can you say,"hey,can we do this instead?" So if
he's actually trying to hang outwith you and he continues to go
on the dates and he doesn'tstand you up all the time or
make other plans last minute ormake up stupid excuses to get
(07:43):
out of dates.
If he's flaky, then he's notinterested.
Of course, people have planschange at the last minute or
there's an emergency orsomething and things come up and
you might have to reschedule adate.
That's totally normal, but is itconstantly, is it consistently?
Do you make a date?
(08:03):
Every week and you only see himonce a month and it just depends
on that frequency of how oftenhe's like flaking out on days or
might just initiate the idea ofa date, but never carry through
and actually create the actualdate.
So he might be like,"oh, yeah,we should go to dinner
sometime." But then it stopsthere and he doesn't ever tell
(08:23):
you the time and date and placeto go to dinner.
It's because he's not reallygenuinely trying to commit to
that, and if he's trying to dothat so that you can speak up
and say something, try it.
Speak up and say something like,yeah,"I would love to see you,"
Just seeing how he followsthrough on dates, he might ask
for half your input.
And if he says,"Hey, we shouldgo to dinner sometime," and
(08:46):
that's an opening for you tosay,"Oh yeah, I love Mexican
food.
Are you free on Thursday?" Butif it doesn't go through and
he's just ignores that and it'sjust okay, yeah, we should go
out on a date sometime." Thenyou'll eventually get the hint
that is just someone who's notinterested.
He's just a flake.
And he's just talking to youbecause Is bored or something,
(09:08):
right?
I don't know the real reason,but he's not interested in a
commitment at that point isreally the point.
Body language (09:15):
is he staring at you?
Is he looking forward?
Is he asking you questionsagain?
Is he like trying to be a littlebit more affectionate, maybe
trying to hold your hand, ordoes he open the door for you
and let you in?
Does he, put his hand on yourshoulder or, what does he do
(09:36):
that shows, in body languagethat, He's has any kind of
physical or emotional connectionand is he tuning in with you?
Is he showing comfort and anattraction or is he rigid,
turning away, looking around, onhis phone.
If he's not paying attention andjust being real dismissive in
his body language, then he'sjust not interested.
(09:59):
He's focusing on you or theconversation or getting to know
you and the body language thatshows that is a more telling
sign on if somebody isinterested or not.
Complimenting you,"you look nicetoday.
You're so smart." It doesn'thave to be about your
appearance.
Complimenting you beyond yourappearance is another thing
(10:21):
talking about how you're sofunny or you make me laugh.
"You're so smart." that was onething Ryan used to always tell
me that he was so impressedabout how smart I was.
He's just like,"you're thesmartest person I ever met,"
which I'm just like,"Oh, thankyou." I'm no Einstein or Marie
Curie or anything, I'm prettysmart, I think.
So anyhow, he just made melaugh, whatever he would say
(10:44):
that.
But it was a compliment and itmade me happy.
And then of course, beingvulnerable and telling personal
stories that created hischaracter, some personal
challenges he may have had,talking about his family or how
he grew up.
Sharing with you and showingthat he trusts you and that he
can be vulnerable and he'scomfortable creating an
(11:06):
emotional connection.
That vulnerability can be atelling sign of somebody who is
comfortable being around you andis interested because he is
sharing those moments with you.
I know Ryan, with all of thesethings, he always asked me very
important questions that nobodyever had asked me before.
He would ask me things likeconflict resolution: like,"when
(11:29):
you have a conflict with yourpartner, how do you like to
resolve conflict?
Or"what's the worst fight withsomebody?
What happened?" Because ofcourse somebody wants to put
their best foot forward whenthey're having these
conversations and they're like,"oh yeah, we just have a really
serious conversation." Or ifthey tell you a story, and
they're like,"oh yeah, that onetime I got in a fight with my
(11:52):
boyfriend and I broke the tv'cause he was playing video
games too much." That's a lot.
It tells you a lot about aperson if that's how they
resolve conflict.
He would ask me questions thatwould tell a lot about a person
or examples about, how I wouldact about certain things, right?
(12:14):
Like hypotheticals and stufflike that.
So he got to know me in adifferent way, but, I
appreciated the fact that heasked about conflict resolution
because he asked it in a genuineway.
He didn't say,"Oh my gosh, my exwas so crazy.
Every time we'd get in a fight,it'd be about this." He wasn't
(12:36):
talking to crap or anything.
He's just like,"couples gettingarguments.
Sometimes it's something thatthey need to resolve.
How do you resolve it?" Anyways,I won't go on and on about it,
but that was one of the thingsthat, really sparked me to see
that he was actually interestedin me.
And it was a different kind ofinterest that I've ever seen or
(12:57):
experienced before compared tothe other people that I had gone
on dates with for 10 years.
So it was really interesting,the kinds of questions that he
was asking me were very genuineand personal and trying to get
to know me on a different leveland just not very superficial.
So that was a real, big sign forme that Ryan was interested.
(13:18):
And he remembered little thingsabout me telling him things.
So if I told him, I had a bigday at work, he would make sure
when I got off of work, he'dasked me about my big day.
He was like,"I know you werenervous about this day today.
How was it?
How did it go?" And at thatpoint I'd forget that I had even
told him that I was going tohave a big day and how I felt
(13:39):
about it.
So remembering that I wasnervous about work was a really
a nice feeling to know that hewas remembering small things
about our conversations andthinking about my feelings and
stuff like that.
So that was a really differentthing that I've experienced
(13:59):
before in dating other people.
He was really showing activelistening and genuine interest
when he would ask questions likethat.
And of course, his body languagewas, always attentive and
respectful and, he wasn't grossand grabby.
It just felt really good to becomplimented in different ways
(14:21):
other than"oh, you look great."So it was just nice.
He was a very good communicator.
He still is a very goodcommunicator.
He's very expressive about hisfeelings.
He wants to know how I'mfeeling.
He just really thrives on usingfeelings to create, results and
actions, right?
(14:41):
Feelings are just reallyimportant for him.
So it's nice to be aroundsomebody who can actually have
conversations that are in depth.
Because thoughts create yourfeelings.
So if he's expressing hisfeelings, then he's expressing
his thoughts.
Or he wants to know what I'mthinking about because he wants
to know how I'm feeling.
It really stood out.
And at one point, ourrelationship was a little bit
(15:04):
rocky when we were dating andgetting to know each other.
I told him that I wasn'tinterested.
And, just like I had told otherpeople,"Hey, I don't think we're
a good match.
I don't think that I'm reallyinterested.
I thought I really liked to youand wanted to get to know you,
but it's just not working out."So I'd get different reactions,
but they were very like,"okay,that sucks because I liked
(15:26):
getting to know you," or I'd getwhining and complaining about it
because the rejection, andrejection hurts and I get it so
they're upset about it, Or Iwould get,"you're fat anyways,"
or something stupid like that.
They'd have to put me down ortry to insult me.
So then they can feel better andnot talk to me and feel like
they got the last word orsomething and be like,"I was
(15:48):
just talking to you because Ifelt bad for you because you're
ugly," or some dumb shit likethat.
So, I would tell people I wasn'tinterested.
Ryan was the only person whofought for me and called me out
on it.
He was just like,"that'sbullshit.
I know we've had a connectionbecause of A, B, and C.
I really wanna know the realreason why.
Saying that we don't have aconnection and that you're not
(16:10):
interested is a blanket excuseabout something, but there's
something that you don't like.
Something that I did or said wasenough for you to not be
interested.
What was it?" So it really tooka long time for me to get out
and tell him the truth and,after we had that conversation,
everything was fine.
We didn't just scoop back in andjump back into our little dating
(16:33):
phase.
I wanted to be friends with him.
And he was like,"if that's whatit takes to be in your life
still and be friends with you,then we'll just be friends and I
want to get to know you in afriendship level." And so we
were friends for a long timeuntil we got to know each other.
He gave me that time to findthat connection and stuff like
that.
He could have just been like,"screw this.
(16:55):
I don't want to work this hardfor some girl," and just moved
on.
But he didn't, and he waited andhe was patient and he got to
know me still, and he was veryrespectful.
Finally, I could see that he wasgenuinely interested and I
started creating those feelingsthat were deeper than a
friendship, and we talked aboutit one day, then we grew our
(17:16):
relationship to another level.
Anyhow, it just took a while,but he was very consistent.
He made dates.
He was respectful.
He asked genuine questions, allof those signs.
I never had to question with myfriend, I never had to overthink
it.
I never had to run to my friendand be like,"Hey.
(17:37):
What do you think about thistext?
What do you think?" The signswere very clear that he was
interested versus meoverthinking and questioning and
staying up all night and beinginsecure.
"Did I do this wrong?
Did I say this?
Oh, what if I said this and itwas the wrong thing to say,"
nothing like that ever came up.
And so, it took me a minute, butit was definitely something that
(17:59):
stood out for me to understandthat he was interested and that
I ended up becoming interested,too, because sometimes somebody
can be interested and thenthey're just not a match for
you.
But he happened to be a matchfor me.
So if you've experienced peoplewho are inconsistent and don't
prioritize you at all, like theyalways make plans with their
(18:20):
buddies and they don't makeplans with you.
They might just text you.
But you're always second to anykind of real connection or
communication.
His communication is superminimal.
He might just message you in theevening time before bed or
something, He responds when hewants to he doesn't, care if you
respond, it might be two orthree days that go by and he'll
(18:44):
say hi again or something.
He's not too busy.
People will find time if they'reinterested.
They even have time to say,"Hey,I'm really busy right now, but I
will make time to talk to you atthis time or this date." So
people make clear communicationwhen they are able to talk to
you.
They're reassuring you that theycan be consistent, if that makes
sense.
(19:04):
So if there's no consistency incommunication, that also means
they're not consistent ingetting to know you and having
that genuine connection.
So everything is verysuperficial.
There are no deeperconversations.
If he's avoiding deeperconversations, it's just, he's
just not interested.
He doesn't want you to knowabout his personal life.
(19:25):
He doesn't want you to knowabout his friends, Doesn't want
you to know where he works orjust anything like that.
He doesn't keep dates, he flakesout, he only talks about surface
level information and doesn'tshare true interest or true
stories about who he is.
If he's not curious about yourlife what you do, what your
hobbies are.
(19:46):
If he's not looking and beinggenuinely curious about your
life and how it would worktogether in a relationship.
Not interested.
he doesn't like you.
If he's got like hot and coldbehavior again, he talks to you
when he wants to.
He sounds really interested.
He might say some fabulous shit,but then it doesn't match with
(20:06):
the actions, right?
He's just saying words thatsound good to keep you around.
It's just to give you anemotional reaction, but it's
really some surface level BSthat he's just telling you
because he just wants to keepyou around.
So it's a hot and cold behavior.
He's just playing games and he'snot genuinely interested or
(20:27):
wanting to become more involvedwith you and form any kind of
stable connection.
He's just being a weird dudethat likes to give mixed signals
and play games.
Keep away from those people.
If you have your head spinningand you're constantly
questioning,"does this guy likeme?" and overthinking everything
he says and every single textand stuff like that.
(20:48):
It's too much.
It's too much stress Like youdon't have to think that hard.
You just don't want to have arelationship with when you have
to work that hard And yesrelationships take work but if
they're not trying at the verybeginning They're not going to
try later.
That's just a little personalexperience that I feel that.
(21:09):
Is the flag of disinterest,right?
And then again, just keeping youaway from his personal life.
He doesn't want you to hangaround his buddies.
He doesn't care to hang aroundyour friends or your family.
That would be probably datesthat he would sell out on or,
get an excuse to leave.
If you're like,"Oh, come to mysister's birthday party." It's
too close.
He doesn't want to be aroundthat.
(21:29):
So he might say,"yes," and thenlike out with some lame excuse.
But he also doesn't reciprocateno friends, no family for you to
meet of his.
That's not ever going to createa long term future with
somebody.
And it was somebody with kidsthat's a little different.
I really don't have a whole lotof experience.
The only experience I have withdating guys with kids is that I
(21:51):
never met their kids, right?
So they weren't reallyinterested and they weren't
matches.
But, if there was somebody, Ican't imagine that they would
want me to jump in and just hangout with their kids either.
So I'm not saying one thing oranother on how kids are
introduced into relationshipsbecause I really don't have that
personal experience to share.
(22:13):
So I don't want to talk shit orwhatever.
And I know a lot of girls arelike,"Oh, I've been dating this
guy for six months, but we nevergo out in public." Then you're
not in a relationship.
You might be dating or you mightbe hooking up, but you're not in
a relationship.
Don't call it that.
Don't give them relationshiplevel luxuries if they're only
(22:35):
meeting you at friendship level.
There's different things thatyou do for people at different
levels, like an acquaintance atwork versus, your work bestie.
You have different levels ofconversation and interaction
that you do with them.
So don't give somebody apersonal interaction that's a
lot higher or more worthy thanthe level that you're at.
So don't give somebodygirlfriend behavior when you're
(23:00):
not their girlfriend.
Again, somebody reaching out ontheir own terms, like if they're
not consistent and they onlywant to hang out with you or
talk to you when it's convenientfor them and it's a personal
gain for them and they're notreally concerned if it's, a good
time for you.
If he's contacting you and it'sonly convenient for him, then
(23:21):
he's not really prioritizing youor anything.
Hopefully that gives you alittle bit of security or just
some peace in your heart thatyou know you're going in the
right direction with somebody orif it's time to cut ties with
that person.
So that is what I have fortoday.
(23:41):
If you want to learn how to workwith me, look in my show notes,
I have a link for a freeconsultation.
You can come and we'll have aconversation and get to know
each other.
We'll see where you think thatyou're struggling in your dating
life, or if you want to begindating and you're not really
sure how, and you have questionsabout it.
That's what I work on with a lotof my clients.
(24:04):
Or if they're dating and it'sthe same kinds of people over
and over again, and they want todo something different.
I work to challenge them on,getting a little uncomfortable
and doing things differently sothat they can try to find a
relationship that is moremeaningful than the ones that
they've had in their past.
So there's so many differentways that I can work with
people.
I help people create tools andcreate systems that they can
(24:29):
have a better balanced life.
So then they can have a sociallife and they can go out and be
single and they can go out andlearn how to date or whatever it
is.
So there's different things thatI can help to help your single
life, right?
It's not just dating.
So if you have any interest orany desire to work with a dating
coach and you want to know whatit's like, go and schedule a
(24:51):
free consultation and just getto know me and see if it's
something that you'd beinterested in.
And if you are great, and ifyou're not, that's okay.
I would love to chat with you.
You can look on my website tolearn a little bit more about
me.
I've been on a ton of podcasts.
I have links to differentpodcast episodes that I've been
on before.
So if you want to know anythingelse about me, please look at
(25:13):
the show notes and I have all ofmy information there.
Thank you so much for listeningtoday.
I can't wait to talk to you nextweek.
Bye.
You are listening to the Curvy Girl Dating Podcast,
Episode 26 (00:04):
He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not.
Hi, I'm Cristina.
After 10 years of dating, I wastired of attracting the wrong
type of guys and thinking I hadto lose weight to find love.
I finally figured out how todate and I found the love I
thought I would never find eachweek.
(00:25):
I'll teach you dating advice,share dating stories and help
you ditch the dating drama.
My goal is to help you have funand create the life you love.
If you're ready to take yourdating to another level, then
listen up and let's go.
Hello everyone.
Welcome to The Curvy Girl DatingPodcast.
(00:47):
I'm looking a little bustedtoday, but I'm just not even
worried about it.
It's been a fun weekend and Ihad a really nice time with my
family.
We went to a chili and gumbocookoff.
I participated in it with myuncle and it was for our
neighborhood.
And so my uncle and I, signed upfor this cookoff and we had a
(01:10):
really great time.
It was freezing for us.
It was 40 degrees, but it was socold.
It was so cold, but it was sunnyas it was really nice to be out
and warm up with some chili andjust listen to music and a live
band and all the things.
So we had a really nice time.
So anyways, I'm a little bustedfrom that because I'm just
(01:32):
tired.
So it was a long day.
Anyways, Today, we're going totalk about a big topic that is
super important.
It's does he like me or does henot, and I remember I spent so
many times talking to mygirlfriends about, I don't know
if he likes me.
And what do you think?
And he said this and like wewould overanalyze text messages
(01:56):
or conversations that we had andthink, what does he mean by
that?
And it just took a lot of timeto do that.
And had I known that some signson if this person was into me or
if this person wasn't into me Itprobably would have saved me a
(02:17):
lot more time and I'd have a lotless overthinking than I did for
10 years.
So I'm offering you signs thathe is interested and signs that
he's not.
This is not solid concrete proofor anything.
Cause of course everyone isdifferent, but overall, these
(02:37):
are some general characteristicsof, he loves me, he loves me
not, right?
I remember playing that gamewhen you were a little kid with
the flowers.
Anyways, did anybody else dothat?
Or when you pick the petals offflowers and he loves me, he
loves me not?
Anyways, I remember doing thatwhen I was a kid.
So one thing for sure is, thetype of communication that you
(02:58):
have.
Is it consistent or is itinconsistent?
If he tells you good morningevery morning and then asks you
how the weather is and asks youhow your day was and then tells
you good night every day, andit's the same conversation every
single day, that does not meanthat he's interested.
You are misinterpreting that.
(03:19):
It either means that he'sinterested and he doesn't want
to have a conversation, or itmeans he's just not interested
and he's just keeping you aroundfor whatever reason.
Cause he's bored or he needs aego boost or something, but he
is not interested.
If all he's asking is"how's theweather, or it's so cold
outside.""I know we live in thesame town.
(03:42):
I can make that observation aswell." Oh, it's raining so hard
today.""Thanks.
I looked outside," right?
So anyways, I've called those,"how's the weather" guys plenty
of times before, if you've heardme for a while, but, the"good
morning, good night" guys,that's all they say and they
don't really have any substance.
They're interested to a degreeof keeping you around for some
(04:05):
reason, but that's their ownpersonal gain versus anything
else.
But I would, in my opinion,believe that is not someone who
has a genuine interest in youbecause they're not getting to
know you.
They're not being vulnerable.
They're not asking you goodquestions or getting to know
your real personality and whoyou are.
It's just at a very superficiallevel of"hi, how are you?
(04:28):
And good night." Number onesign: just communication
overall.
So one, it's the consistency ofhow often he talks to you.
And then another thing is activelistening.
When you're getting to know eachother, is he actually listening
to you and thinking about youand asking questions that go
beyond that?
(04:49):
Is he paying attention to youand what you have to say?
And is he like genuinely curiousabout your life?
Do you have hobbies andinterests?
Is he asking you about them,getting to know what they are.
Does he have the same interestas you?
Is it something that you can goon future dates on and, enjoy
time together doing a commoninterest?
(05:12):
What are the conversations thatyou're actually having?
Are the conversations allsuperficial, just talking about
work or, telling Superficialstories about the day.
Are you talking about yourfamily or past stories that
created your personality or werelike some stories that were
building blocks into creatingthe version of who you are
(05:36):
today.
What kind of conversations areyou having?
Are they genuine and actuallywith substance or are they
superficial, so that's a way tounderstand.
So communication is soimportant.
What you guys are talking aboutin general.
Another one I would say isplans.
(05:56):
Is he making plans and followingthrough?
Is he asking you out on dates?
And maybe he's not a person thatalways wants to make the plan on
dates, but is he making an offerto open up and ask you,"what
kind of date would you like togo on?
I'd like to see you again.
What would you like to do?" Andmaybe he needs some help,
(06:18):
initiating a date plan orcreating something that he wants
you to like as well, right?
Because what if he's making allthese dates that you don't like?
So that's a personal insecurityfor guys sometimes.
So a lot of times they do askfor your input because they want
to see you having a good timeand they care about if you're
(06:38):
having a good time or not,right?
So if they make all these plansand they're boring and they have
nothing to do with you and youdon't like them and it's all
kind of his interest.
Like say you hate sports and hekeeps taking you to baseball
games.
He's not giving you opportunityto put any input.
He's not even asking you orcaring if you like baseball or
(06:59):
not.
Like he likes baseball.
He wants somebody to go withhim.
So he is inviting you.
Yes, he's getting to have a goodtime, but there's not really a
direct connection on whether ornot you care or like the date at
all, right?
So that's what I mean bypersonal gain, I guess.
So, pay attention to the kindsof dates that you're going on
(07:23):
and do you actually like them?
Do you have an input?
If you don't can you say,"hey,can we do this instead?" So if
he's actually trying to hang outwith you and he continues to go
on the dates and he doesn'tstand you up all the time or
make other plans last minute ormake up stupid excuses to get
(07:43):
out of dates.
If he's flaky, then he's notinterested.
Of course, people have planschange at the last minute or
there's an emergency orsomething and things come up and
you might have to reschedule adate.
That's totally normal, but is itconstantly, is it consistently?
Do you make a date?
(08:03):
Every week and you only see himonce a month and it just depends
on that frequency of how oftenhe's like flaking out on days or
might just initiate the idea ofa date, but never carry through
and actually create the actualdate.
So he might be like,"oh, yeah,we should go to dinner
sometime." But then it stopsthere and he doesn't ever tell
(08:23):
you the time and date and placeto go to dinner.
It's because he's not reallygenuinely trying to commit to
that, and if he's trying to dothat so that you can speak up
and say something, try it.
Speak up and say something like,yeah,"I would love to see you,"
Just seeing how he followsthrough on dates, he might ask
for half your input.
And if he says,"Hey, we shouldgo to dinner sometime," and
(08:46):
that's an opening for you tosay,"Oh yeah, I love Mexican
food.
Are you free on Thursday?" Butif it doesn't go through and
he's just ignores that and it'sjust okay, yeah, we should go
out on a date sometime." Thenyou'll eventually get the hint
that is just someone who's notinterested.
He's just a flake.
And he's just talking to youbecause Is bored or something,
(09:08):
right?
I don't know the real reason,but he's not interested in a
commitment at that point isreally the point.
Body language (09:15):
is he staring at you?
Is he looking forward?
Is he asking you questionsagain?
Is he like trying to be a littlebit more affectionate, maybe
trying to hold your hand, ordoes he open the door for you
and let you in?
Does he, put his hand on yourshoulder or, what does he do
(09:36):
that shows, in body languagethat, He's has any kind of
physical or emotional connectionand is he tuning in with you?
Is he showing comfort and anattraction or is he rigid,
turning away, looking around, onhis phone.
If he's not paying attention andjust being real dismissive in
his body language, then he'sjust not interested.
(09:59):
He's focusing on you or theconversation or getting to know
you and the body language thatshows that is a more telling
sign on if somebody isinterested or not.
Complimenting you,"you look nicetoday.
You're so smart." It doesn'thave to be about your
appearance.
Complimenting you beyond yourappearance is another thing
(10:21):
talking about how you're sofunny or you make me laugh.
"You're so smart." that was onething Ryan used to always tell
me that he was so impressedabout how smart I was.
He's just like,"you're thesmartest person I ever met,"
which I'm just like,"Oh, thankyou." I'm no Einstein or Marie
Curie or anything, I'm prettysmart, I think.
So anyhow, he just made melaugh, whatever he would say
(10:44):
that.
But it was a compliment and itmade me happy.
And then of course, beingvulnerable and telling personal
stories that created hischaracter, some personal
challenges he may have had,talking about his family or how
he grew up.
Sharing with you and showingthat he trusts you and that he
can be vulnerable and he'scomfortable creating an
(11:06):
emotional connection.
That vulnerability can be atelling sign of somebody who is
comfortable being around you andis interested because he is
sharing those moments with you.
I know Ryan, with all of thesethings, he always asked me very
important questions that nobodyever had asked me before.
He would ask me things likeconflict resolution: like,"when
(11:29):
you have a conflict with yourpartner, how do you like to
resolve conflict?
Or"what's the worst fight withsomebody?
What happened?" Because ofcourse somebody wants to put
their best foot forward whenthey're having these
conversations and they're like,"oh yeah, we just have a really
serious conversation." Or ifthey tell you a story, and
they're like,"oh yeah, that onetime I got in a fight with my
(11:52):
boyfriend and I broke the tv'cause he was playing video
games too much." That's a lot.
It tells you a lot about aperson if that's how they
resolve conflict.
He would ask me questions thatwould tell a lot about a person
or examples about, how I wouldact about certain things, right?
(12:14):
Like hypotheticals and stufflike that.
So he got to know me in adifferent way, but, I
appreciated the fact that heasked about conflict resolution
because he asked it in a genuineway.
He didn't say,"Oh my gosh, my exwas so crazy.
Every time we'd get in a fight,it'd be about this." He wasn't
(12:36):
talking to crap or anything.
He's just like,"couples gettingarguments.
Sometimes it's something thatthey need to resolve.
How do you resolve it?" Anyways,I won't go on and on about it,
but that was one of the thingsthat, really sparked me to see
that he was actually interestedin me.
And it was a different kind ofinterest that I've ever seen or
(12:57):
experienced before compared tothe other people that I had gone
on dates with for 10 years.
So it was really interesting,the kinds of questions that he
was asking me were very genuineand personal and trying to get
to know me on a different leveland just not very superficial.
So that was a real, big sign forme that Ryan was interested.
(13:18):
And he remembered little thingsabout me telling him things.
So if I told him, I had a bigday at work, he would make sure
when I got off of work, he'dasked me about my big day.
He was like,"I know you werenervous about this day today.
How was it?
How did it go?" And at thatpoint I'd forget that I had even
told him that I was going tohave a big day and how I felt
(13:39):
about it.
So remembering that I wasnervous about work was a really
a nice feeling to know that hewas remembering small things
about our conversations andthinking about my feelings and
stuff like that.
So that was a really differentthing that I've experienced
(13:59):
before in dating other people.
He was really showing activelistening and genuine interest
when he would ask questions likethat.
And of course, his body languagewas, always attentive and
respectful and, he wasn't grossand grabby.
It just felt really good to becomplimented in different ways
(14:21):
other than"oh, you look great."So it was just nice.
He was a very good communicator.
He still is a very goodcommunicator.
He's very expressive about hisfeelings.
He wants to know how I'mfeeling.
He just really thrives on usingfeelings to create, results and
actions, right?
(14:41):
Feelings are just reallyimportant for him.
So it's nice to be aroundsomebody who can actually have
conversations that are in depth.
Because thoughts create yourfeelings.
So if he's expressing hisfeelings, then he's expressing
his thoughts.
Or he wants to know what I'mthinking about because he wants
to know how I'm feeling.
It really stood out.
And at one point, ourrelationship was a little bit
(15:04):
rocky when we were dating andgetting to know each other.
I told him that I wasn'tinterested.
And, just like I had told otherpeople,"Hey, I don't think we're
a good match.
I don't think that I'm reallyinterested.
I thought I really liked to youand wanted to get to know you,
but it's just not working out."So I'd get different reactions,
but they were very like,"okay,that sucks because I liked
(15:26):
getting to know you," or I'd getwhining and complaining about it
because the rejection, andrejection hurts and I get it so
they're upset about it, Or Iwould get,"you're fat anyways,"
or something stupid like that.
They'd have to put me down ortry to insult me.
So then they can feel better andnot talk to me and feel like
they got the last word orsomething and be like,"I was
(15:48):
just talking to you because Ifelt bad for you because you're
ugly," or some dumb shit likethat.
So, I would tell people I wasn'tinterested.
Ryan was the only person whofought for me and called me out
on it.
He was just like,"that'sbullshit.
I know we've had a connectionbecause of A, B, and C.
I really wanna know the realreason why.
Saying that we don't have aconnection and that you're not
(16:10):
interested is a blanket excuseabout something, but there's
something that you don't like.
Something that I did or said wasenough for you to not be
interested.
What was it?" So it really tooka long time for me to get out
and tell him the truth and,after we had that conversation,
everything was fine.
We didn't just scoop back in andjump back into our little dating
(16:33):
phase.
I wanted to be friends with him.
And he was like,"if that's whatit takes to be in your life
still and be friends with you,then we'll just be friends and I
want to get to know you in afriendship level." And so we
were friends for a long timeuntil we got to know each other.
He gave me that time to findthat connection and stuff like
that.
He could have just been like,"screw this.
(16:55):
I don't want to work this hardfor some girl," and just moved
on.
But he didn't, and he waited andhe was patient and he got to
know me still, and he was veryrespectful.
Finally, I could see that he wasgenuinely interested and I
started creating those feelingsthat were deeper than a
friendship, and we talked aboutit one day, then we grew our
(17:16):
relationship to another level.
Anyhow, it just took a while,but he was very consistent.
He made dates.
He was respectful.
He asked genuine questions, allof those signs.
I never had to question with myfriend, I never had to overthink
it.
I never had to run to my friendand be like,"Hey.
(17:37):
What do you think about thistext?
What do you think?" The signswere very clear that he was
interested versus meoverthinking and questioning and
staying up all night and beinginsecure.
"Did I do this wrong?
Did I say this?
Oh, what if I said this and itwas the wrong thing to say,"
nothing like that ever came up.
And so, it took me a minute, butit was definitely something that
(17:59):
stood out for me to understandthat he was interested and that
I ended up becoming interested,too, because sometimes somebody
can be interested and thenthey're just not a match for
you.
But he happened to be a matchfor me.
So if you've experienced peoplewho are inconsistent and don't
prioritize you at all, like theyalways make plans with their
(18:20):
buddies and they don't makeplans with you.
They might just text you.
But you're always second to anykind of real connection or
communication.
His communication is superminimal.
He might just message you in theevening time before bed or
something, He responds when hewants to he doesn't, care if you
respond, it might be two orthree days that go by and he'll
(18:44):
say hi again or something.
He's not too busy.
People will find time if they'reinterested.
They even have time to say,"Hey,I'm really busy right now, but I
will make time to talk to you atthis time or this date." So
people make clear communicationwhen they are able to talk to
you.
They're reassuring you that theycan be consistent, if that makes
sense.
(19:04):
So if there's no consistency incommunication, that also means
they're not consistent ingetting to know you and having
that genuine connection.
So everything is verysuperficial.
There are no deeperconversations.
If he's avoiding deeperconversations, it's just, he's
just not interested.
He doesn't want you to knowabout his personal life.
(19:25):
He doesn't want you to knowabout his friends, Doesn't want
you to know where he works orjust anything like that.
He doesn't keep dates, he flakesout, he only talks about surface
level information and doesn'tshare true interest or true
stories about who he is.
If he's not curious about yourlife what you do, what your
hobbies are.
(19:46):
If he's not looking and beinggenuinely curious about your
life and how it would worktogether in a relationship.
Not interested.
he doesn't like you.
If he's got like hot and coldbehavior again, he talks to you
when he wants to.
He sounds really interested.
He might say some fabulous shit,but then it doesn't match with
(20:06):
the actions, right?
He's just saying words thatsound good to keep you around.
It's just to give you anemotional reaction, but it's
really some surface level BSthat he's just telling you
because he just wants to keepyou around.
So it's a hot and cold behavior.
He's just playing games and he'snot genuinely interested or
(20:27):
wanting to become more involvedwith you and form any kind of
stable connection.
He's just being a weird dudethat likes to give mixed signals
and play games.
Keep away from those people.
If you have your head spinningand you're constantly
questioning,"does this guy likeme?" and overthinking everything
he says and every single textand stuff like that.
(20:48):
It's too much.
It's too much stress Like youdon't have to think that hard.
You just don't want to have arelationship with when you have
to work that hard And yesrelationships take work but if
they're not trying at the verybeginning They're not going to
try later.
That's just a little personalexperience that I feel that.
(21:09):
Is the flag of disinterest,right?
And then again, just keeping youaway from his personal life.
He doesn't want you to hangaround his buddies.
He doesn't care to hang aroundyour friends or your family.
That would be probably datesthat he would sell out on or,
get an excuse to leave.
If you're like,"Oh, come to mysister's birthday party." It's
too close.
He doesn't want to be aroundthat.
(21:29):
So he might say,"yes," and thenlike out with some lame excuse.
But he also doesn't reciprocateno friends, no family for you to
meet of his.
That's not ever going to createa long term future with
somebody.
And it was somebody with kidsthat's a little different.
I really don't have a whole lotof experience.
The only experience I have withdating guys with kids is that I
(21:51):
never met their kids, right?
So they weren't reallyinterested and they weren't
matches.
But, if there was somebody, Ican't imagine that they would
want me to jump in and just hangout with their kids either.
So I'm not saying one thing oranother on how kids are
introduced into relationshipsbecause I really don't have that
personal experience to share.
(22:13):
So I don't want to talk shit orwhatever.
And I know a lot of girls arelike,"Oh, I've been dating this
guy for six months, but we nevergo out in public." Then you're
not in a relationship.
You might be dating or you mightbe hooking up, but you're not in
a relationship.
Don't call it that.
Don't give them relationshiplevel luxuries if they're only
(22:35):
meeting you at friendship level.
There's different things thatyou do for people at different
levels, like an acquaintance atwork versus, your work bestie.
You have different levels ofconversation and interaction
that you do with them.
So don't give somebody apersonal interaction that's a
lot higher or more worthy thanthe level that you're at.
So don't give somebodygirlfriend behavior when you're
(23:00):
not their girlfriend.
Again, somebody reaching out ontheir own terms, like if they're
not consistent and they onlywant to hang out with you or
talk to you when it's convenientfor them and it's a personal
gain for them and they're notreally concerned if it's, a good
time for you.
If he's contacting you and it'sonly convenient for him, then
(23:21):
he's not really prioritizing youor anything.
Hopefully that gives you alittle bit of security or just
some peace in your heart thatyou know you're going in the
right direction with somebody orif it's time to cut ties with
that person.
So that is what I have fortoday.
(23:41):
If you want to learn how to workwith me, look in my show notes,
I have a link for a freeconsultation.
You can come and we'll have aconversation and get to know
each other.
We'll see where you think thatyou're struggling in your dating
life, or if you want to begindating and you're not really
sure how, and you have questionsabout it.
That's what I work on with a lotof my clients.
(24:04):
Or if they're dating and it'sthe same kinds of people over
and over again, and they want todo something different.
I work to challenge them on,getting a little uncomfortable
and doing things differently sothat they can try to find a
relationship that is moremeaningful than the ones that
they've had in their past.
So there's so many differentways that I can work with
people.
I help people create tools andcreate systems that they can
(24:29):
have a better balanced life.
So then they can have a sociallife and they can go out and be
single and they can go out andlearn how to date or whatever it
is.
So there's different things thatI can help to help your single
life, right?
It's not just dating.
So if you have any interest orany desire to work with a dating
coach and you want to know whatit's like, go and schedule a
(24:51):
free consultation and just getto know me and see if it's
something that you'd beinterested in.
And if you are great, and ifyou're not, that's okay.
I would love to chat with you.
You can look on my website tolearn a little bit more about
me.
I've been on a ton of podcasts.
I have links to differentpodcast episodes that I've been
on before.
So if you want to know anythingelse about me, please look at
(25:13):
the show notes and I have all ofmy information there.
Thank you so much for listeningtoday.
I can't wait to talk to you nextweek.
Bye.
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