March 4, 2025 • 14 mins
In this episode of The Curvy Girl Dating Podcast, Cristina dives into the topic of 'floodlighting' in dating, which refers to oversharing or trauma dumping early in a relationship. Cristina shares her own experiences and insights, discusses the intentions behind floodlighting, and explores its potential impact on relationships. She also references a Vice article and Brene Brown's take on vulnerability. Cristina invites listeners to reflect on their own dating experiences with floodlighting and introduces future topics for the podcast.
00:00 Introduction to Episode 30: Floodlighting
00:42 What is Floodlighting?
02:32 Personal Experiences with Floodlighting
04:16 Intentions Behind Floodlighting
06:28 Reflecting on Past Relationships
09:08 Understanding Vulnerability and Manipulation
12:30 Exploring Dating Terminology
14:26 Conclusion and Upcoming Topics
Consultation Call: https://calendly.com/cristinacoaches/discovery-session
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Cristina (00:00):
You are listening to The Curvy Girl Dating Podcast,
Episode 30 (00:03):
Floodlighting.
Hi, I'm Cristina.
After 10 years of dating, I wastired of attracting the wrong
type of guys and thinking I hadto lose weight to find love.
I finally figured out how todate and I found the love I
thought I would never find.
Each week, I'll teach you datingadvice, share dating stories and
(00:23):
help you ditch the dating drama.
My goal is to help you have funand create the life you love.
If you're ready to take yourdating to another level, then
listen up and let's go.
Hello everyone.
Welcome to episode 30 of TheCurvy Girl Dating Podcast.
Today we are going to talk aboutfloodlighting.
(00:45):
So floodlighting and dating islike oversharing or trauma
dumping.
So it's this new trend.
I literally read about it today.
Maybe I'm late to the party, Idon't know, but I happened to
read an article today and Ithought it was important to talk
about.
And it was from vice.
So this is my source is a Vicearticle.
(01:09):
There was a few other ones whenI was researching lightly, but
this one had just enoughinformation to talk about for a
podcast.
So anyhow, I was reading thisarticle about floodlighting.
It's basically, like I said,oversharing or trauma dumping on
somebody when you're just barelygetting to know them.
(01:30):
And I see it as two differentlights.
If you just happen to be like anoversharer and this is just who
you are and you're a person whowants people to know about you
and it's just a story of who Iam and it's honest and direct
and like you're coming from ahealthy place when you're
(01:52):
sharing.
Okay, maybe you're a person thatlikes to TMI a little bit, but
if you're coming from like ahealthy place, it's one thing
versus if you are doing it to be"toxic." and the word toxic is a
whole nother thing for me that Ineed to make a decision about
(02:12):
but right now I'm just not a fanof it.
It, annoys me.
I feel like there's a wholetoxic culture thing that
everything is toxic just becauseyou don't like it or whatever,
right?
It's a whole thing.
That's a whole nother podcast.
So today we're gonna focus onthe floodlighting, right?
(02:32):
So again, the example, you go ona first date, you're getting to
know somebody, you're chattingit up, and then you decide to
tell them all about what yourchildhood was like and your
relationship with your parents,and whether it be good or bad,
and you are talking about it allin detail with somebody, and
(02:57):
then you share how it impactsyou today, right?
So let's say your parents gotdivorced and you had to live
with one or the other, and theyuse you to fight against their
own problems, and then thatimpacts you today because now
you have trust issues or youhave dating insecurities, you're
(03:19):
doubting love, you're doubtingloyalty, you're questioning your
ability to be in a relationship.
Like, those could all be logicalthoughts and outcomes or impacts
of what would happen when youare a child who had two parents
in two different households orwhatever.
(03:40):
My parents are still married, soI can't exactly, say it from a
personal experience, but fromthe experience I see from my
friends and family and stufflike that, I can see it from a
different light.
But I can see how the way thatyou grow up can be different in
a divorced family versus a notdivorced family.
(04:01):
And it doesn't mean that it'sgood or bad, it's life.
It's what it is.
I can see that if somebody's inthis circumstance and talking
about their life previously andhow it impacts them today.
So anyhow, floodlighting.
The reason that it could bedangerous or toxic or whatever
(04:23):
is all about your intentions,about why you're talking and
oversharing and trauma dumping.
Are you doing it just becauseyou just innocently are talking
about your life and this is whoyou are and you just wanna share
it with somebody or are youdoing it for a reason?
Are you slowly like looking atthis other person's reactions to
(04:45):
see if they can handle you, oryou're testing their boundaries
and seeing,"if I can tell themall about me and they're okay
with it, then, I must not bethat fucked up in their eyes,
and they'll be able to handleme." Or if you are doing it
maliciously or manipulatively,To get to know them quickly,
(05:05):
'cause everybody's gonna learnabout all these things when
you're in a relationshipeventually.
And that takes time, right?
But if you're like going all inand go to this person and tell
'em all of your traumas and allof your overshares and personal
issues that you had in life orwhatever, and you're trying to
get to know them that way,'causeyou wanna know on a deeper level
(05:28):
who they are and you're rushingthings.
Then that can be again, toxic orthat could be manipulative or
something because you arepushing someone to have feelings
for you or feel sorry for you,or maybe you're seeking a safety
or security or a protector.
(05:49):
And so you talk about all thisstuff and listen and see if
they're gonna be that protectoror do something for you.
But you need to be accountablefor your ass instead of having
somebody else.
You should not be looking for apartner to have accountability
for your own shit.
That's your own shit that youneed to deal with.
And, it's great to have asupportive partner, but they
(06:12):
shouldn't be the onesresponsible for helping you not
be fucked up.
And same thing for you, youmight want to have that role of
protecting your partner and likeyou might think that is what you
need to do to be a good partner.
I just had an epiphany as I wassaying that out loud because I
would say that maybe I'm guiltyof that.
(06:34):
When I was with Luke many yearsago, he had a traumatic
experience in his family.
I did have thoughts when thatwas happening"man, I gotta leave
this guy'cause he is gonna befucked up from this," right?
And,"I don't want this for me."And then I was like,"that's
shitty of me to think that likethis is the time he's gonna need
(06:56):
somebody and he's gonna needsupport and love and I'm in a
relationship with him and that'swhat I should be doing as a
partner." When again, there's abalance for all of that.
And in the end, I ended upfeeling like I was responsible
for his happiness and that I hadto get him out of it and help
(07:17):
him out.
But no, he's gotta beresponsible for his own
happiness.
I could support and be there forsomebody, but not fix.
And there's a big difference.
So again, I might have beenguilty, not necessarily of
floodlighting, but the result offlood lighting.
(07:37):
Like being that person, tryingto save this other person.
So I'm sure that there's adifferent terminology and not
floodlighting,'cause he didn'tpurposely floodlight me.
Maybe I was floodlightingmyself.
I don't know.
It was a circumstance, it wastraumatic.
I was there to experience it andI expected to have a role in it
(08:03):
or whatever.
And it's a long story.
Again, that's another podcast,but it was a somewhat epiphany
that I just had about how I wasacting in relationships.
So anyhow, I also have been onthe other side of that, where I
was legit, the translation,being floodlight.
And again, I didn't know thatuntil right now with reading
(08:26):
this article today.
Ryan was very vocal abouttelling me all of his trauma and
telling me about his past andall the bad things about him.
And it was for that reason ofwhether that person can handle
him or not.
So he's telling me all thisstuff about him.
(08:48):
So if I stick around, it's okay,he thinks that, I'm thinking his
stuff isn't that bad.
I can handle it.
He's just a person.
And so yeah, he was a little bitdoing it not to get me to
overshare, but he was doing itto see if I was able to handle
it, which, that's like avulnerability thing, right?
(09:08):
He's not exactly beingvulnerable in an honest, open
way.
I was explaining at thebeginning, if this is just who
you are and you just wanna sharethat information and it's very
innocent and you just feel likeyou need to let it out and talk
to somebody about that, thenthat's, one thing.
But when you're doing it for areaction or to see if they're
(09:32):
gonna be compatible for you.
That starts in that fine line ofbeing manipulative.
So I hope this makes some kindof sense for you.
The Vice article mentions BreneBrown and she has a quote in her
"Power of Vulnerability" bookthat is talking about flood
lighting and she says,"floodlighting occurs when we
(09:58):
share too much information aboutourselves in our lives in an
attempt to protect ourselvesfrom real vulnerability." And
she doesn't call it, actualvulnerability.
She calls it floodlighting.
You're protecting yourself, soyou're trying to see if that
person can tolerate you." Soyou're not honestly being
vulnerable, like straight fromthe heart.
You're doing it for an exchangeof a reaction or whatever.
(10:22):
So that's where it can be, alittle on the not so healthy
side.
So think about yourself.
Are you a floodlight?
Have you been flood lit?
How has that come up in dates orshort term relationships?
(10:43):
My relationship with Luke wasvery long, but that happened
very quickly as we started ourrelationship.
Again, I had the immediatethought,"we need to break up."
And then the second thought of"no, this is what I'm supposed
to do in a relationship.
This is my role." And I reallywent with it.
It was something that I did nothave control of.
How has that come up in yourdating life?
(11:06):
I would like to know.
I'm interested in it.
Again, being flood lit by Ryan,I know that he did it to see if
I could tolerate him or if Icould handle him.
'cause he is told me thisbefore.
It's not like an assumption, doI see it as toxic or do I see it
as manipulative?
(11:27):
In our circumstance?
I don't think so.
I don't think that his heart wasreally in the place of,"oh,
could she handle me?" I thinkhis mind process, and this is
again my thought that he waslike,"I've had a very busy kind
of fucked up life.
(11:48):
I got a lot to unpack and Iwanna make this happen.
I wanna tell you about me." AndI think it was like coming from
a more direct place, right?
"I'm gonna tell you about me andyou're gonna like me, or you're
not gonna like me, and this iswho I am.
And I'm just gonna tell you." Soyes, I think that the intention
(12:11):
was more from the heart than itwas to be,"looking for a
reaction." Anyhow, I guessthat's something that I should
ask him about because now I'minterested, so I'll probably do
that.
Maybe I could do a podcast withhim about it.
But just, take a look at that.
Tell me what you think aboutflood lighting.
I'm curious because all thisterminology with dating and
(12:33):
stuff, it just trends.
Ghosting, I think probably thefirst one that came around when,
back in the day when I wasdating a lot.
But there's just so many thingslike love bombing and bread
crumbing and all this stuff.
So all of these words areappearing, and it might be
interesting and useful to get toknow some of these vocabulary
(12:56):
words.
If not, then you can explain ithow it, it was in its original
way.
You don't need a term for it,'cause it, it happens.
But anyways, I'm interested inseeing what you guys think about
it.
Is it a real thing?
Is it silly?
Is it serious?
Have you been affected by it?
Have you overshared?
(13:18):
That's like what I really wannaknow, because I think that would
be the red flag one for me.
What if somebody over shares toget somebody else to overshare.
If you go on a date and this guykeeps oversharing with you With
the goal of you oversharing, buthe's really trying to get
information from you to use youfor something else, not
(13:40):
necessarily a relationship.
That's where obviously this is ared flag.
The toxic behavior to me, likeif they're trying to find your
weaknesses'cause they're anarcissist.
Or if they're trying to getpersonal information to you to
get something else from it, togain something personally from
it.
Maybe they're credit cardthieves or something and they're
(14:00):
gonna get your mom's maiden nameand the street you used to live
on and then they're gonna goopen up a bunch of credit cards
in your name or something.
You just don't know.
So that's what I'm curiousabout.
Like to me, that's like a realdefinition of floodlighting in
my personal definition of it.
Not just somebody who's oh,okay, here's my life.
(14:21):
What do you think?
But.
I guess everybody has their own,feelings about that, right?
So anyhow, I am so interested toknow if you've been flood lit or
if you're a floodlighter, andwhat results has come about for
you from that floodlighting?
I have so many other vocabularywords that I wanna talk about or
(14:43):
things like a 3, 3, 3 rule andthe 7, 7, 7 rule and all these
different rules and stuff likethat.
So that's what I've been lookingup to talk about the next couple
weeks.
You are listening to The Curvy Girl Dating Podcast,
Episode 30 (00:03):
Floodlighting.
Hi, I'm Cristina.
After 10 years of dating, I wastired of attracting the wrong
type of guys and thinking I hadto lose weight to find love.
I finally figured out how todate and I found the love I
thought I would never find.
Each week, I'll teach you datingadvice, share dating stories and
(00:23):
help you ditch the dating drama.
My goal is to help you have funand create the life you love.
If you're ready to take yourdating to another level, then
listen up and let's go.
Hello everyone.
Welcome to episode 30 of TheCurvy Girl Dating Podcast.
Today we are going to talk aboutfloodlighting.
(00:45):
So floodlighting and dating islike oversharing or trauma
dumping.
So it's this new trend.
I literally read about it today.
Maybe I'm late to the party, Idon't know, but I happened to
read an article today and Ithought it was important to talk
about.
And it was from vice.
So this is my source is a Vicearticle.
(01:09):
There was a few other ones whenI was researching lightly, but
this one had just enoughinformation to talk about for a
podcast.
So anyhow, I was reading thisarticle about floodlighting.
It's basically, like I said,oversharing or trauma dumping on
somebody when you're just barelygetting to know them.
(01:30):
And I see it as two differentlights.
If you just happen to be like anoversharer and this is just who
you are and you're a person whowants people to know about you
and it's just a story of who Iam and it's honest and direct
and like you're coming from ahealthy place when you're
(01:52):
sharing.
Okay, maybe you're a person thatlikes to TMI a little bit, but
if you're coming from like ahealthy place, it's one thing
versus if you are doing it to be"toxic." and the word toxic is a
whole nother thing for me that Ineed to make a decision about
(02:12):
but right now I'm just not a fanof it.
It, annoys me.
I feel like there's a wholetoxic culture thing that
everything is toxic just becauseyou don't like it or whatever,
right?
It's a whole thing.
That's a whole nother podcast.
So today we're gonna focus onthe floodlighting, right?
(02:32):
So again, the example, you go ona first date, you're getting to
know somebody, you're chattingit up, and then you decide to
tell them all about what yourchildhood was like and your
relationship with your parents,and whether it be good or bad,
and you are talking about it allin detail with somebody, and
(02:57):
then you share how it impactsyou today, right?
So let's say your parents gotdivorced and you had to live
with one or the other, and theyuse you to fight against their
own problems, and then thatimpacts you today because now
you have trust issues or youhave dating insecurities, you're
(03:19):
doubting love, you're doubtingloyalty, you're questioning your
ability to be in a relationship.
Like, those could all be logicalthoughts and outcomes or impacts
of what would happen when youare a child who had two parents
in two different households orwhatever.
(03:40):
My parents are still married, soI can't exactly, say it from a
personal experience, but fromthe experience I see from my
friends and family and stufflike that, I can see it from a
different light.
But I can see how the way thatyou grow up can be different in
a divorced family versus a notdivorced family.
(04:01):
And it doesn't mean that it'sgood or bad, it's life.
It's what it is.
I can see that if somebody's inthis circumstance and talking
about their life previously andhow it impacts them today.
So anyhow, floodlighting.
The reason that it could bedangerous or toxic or whatever
(04:23):
is all about your intentions,about why you're talking and
oversharing and trauma dumping.
Are you doing it just becauseyou just innocently are talking
about your life and this is whoyou are and you just wanna share
it with somebody or are youdoing it for a reason?
Are you slowly like looking atthis other person's reactions to
(04:45):
see if they can handle you, oryou're testing their boundaries
and seeing,"if I can tell themall about me and they're okay
with it, then, I must not bethat fucked up in their eyes,
and they'll be able to handleme." Or if you are doing it
maliciously or manipulatively,To get to know them quickly,
(05:05):
'cause everybody's gonna learnabout all these things when
you're in a relationshipeventually.
And that takes time, right?
But if you're like going all inand go to this person and tell
'em all of your traumas and allof your overshares and personal
issues that you had in life orwhatever, and you're trying to
get to know them that way,'causeyou wanna know on a deeper level
(05:28):
who they are and you're rushingthings.
Then that can be again, toxic orthat could be manipulative or
something because you arepushing someone to have feelings
for you or feel sorry for you,or maybe you're seeking a safety
or security or a protector.
(05:49):
And so you talk about all thisstuff and listen and see if
they're gonna be that protectoror do something for you.
But you need to be accountablefor your ass instead of having
somebody else.
You should not be looking for apartner to have accountability
for your own shit.
That's your own shit that youneed to deal with.
And, it's great to have asupportive partner, but they
(06:12):
shouldn't be the onesresponsible for helping you not
be fucked up.
And same thing for you, youmight want to have that role of
protecting your partner and likeyou might think that is what you
need to do to be a good partner.
I just had an epiphany as I wassaying that out loud because I
would say that maybe I'm guiltyof that.
(06:34):
When I was with Luke many yearsago, he had a traumatic
experience in his family.
I did have thoughts when thatwas happening"man, I gotta leave
this guy'cause he is gonna befucked up from this," right?
And,"I don't want this for me."And then I was like,"that's
shitty of me to think that likethis is the time he's gonna need
(06:56):
somebody and he's gonna needsupport and love and I'm in a
relationship with him and that'swhat I should be doing as a
partner." When again, there's abalance for all of that.
And in the end, I ended upfeeling like I was responsible
for his happiness and that I hadto get him out of it and help
(07:17):
him out.
But no, he's gotta beresponsible for his own
happiness.
I could support and be there forsomebody, but not fix.
And there's a big difference.
So again, I might have beenguilty, not necessarily of
floodlighting, but the result offlood lighting.
(07:37):
Like being that person, tryingto save this other person.
So I'm sure that there's adifferent terminology and not
floodlighting,'cause he didn'tpurposely floodlight me.
Maybe I was floodlightingmyself.
I don't know.
It was a circumstance, it wastraumatic.
I was there to experience it andI expected to have a role in it
(08:03):
or whatever.
And it's a long story.
Again, that's another podcast,but it was a somewhat epiphany
that I just had about how I wasacting in relationships.
So anyhow, I also have been onthe other side of that, where I
was legit, the translation,being floodlight.
And again, I didn't know thatuntil right now with reading
(08:26):
this article today.
Ryan was very vocal abouttelling me all of his trauma and
telling me about his past andall the bad things about him.
And it was for that reason ofwhether that person can handle
him or not.
So he's telling me all thisstuff about him.
(08:48):
So if I stick around, it's okay,he thinks that, I'm thinking his
stuff isn't that bad.
I can handle it.
He's just a person.
And so yeah, he was a little bitdoing it not to get me to
overshare, but he was doing itto see if I was able to handle
it, which, that's like avulnerability thing, right?
(09:08):
He's not exactly beingvulnerable in an honest, open
way.
I was explaining at thebeginning, if this is just who
you are and you just wanna sharethat information and it's very
innocent and you just feel likeyou need to let it out and talk
to somebody about that, thenthat's, one thing.
But when you're doing it for areaction or to see if they're
(09:32):
gonna be compatible for you.
That starts in that fine line ofbeing manipulative.
So I hope this makes some kindof sense for you.
The Vice article mentions BreneBrown and she has a quote in her
"Power of Vulnerability" bookthat is talking about flood
lighting and she says,"floodlighting occurs when we
(09:58):
share too much information aboutourselves in our lives in an
attempt to protect ourselvesfrom real vulnerability." And
she doesn't call it, actualvulnerability.
She calls it floodlighting.
You're protecting yourself, soyou're trying to see if that
person can tolerate you." Soyou're not honestly being
vulnerable, like straight fromthe heart.
You're doing it for an exchangeof a reaction or whatever.
(10:22):
So that's where it can be, alittle on the not so healthy
side.
So think about yourself.
Are you a floodlight?
Have you been flood lit?
How has that come up in dates orshort term relationships?
(10:43):
My relationship with Luke wasvery long, but that happened
very quickly as we started ourrelationship.
Again, I had the immediatethought,"we need to break up."
And then the second thought of"no, this is what I'm supposed
to do in a relationship.
This is my role." And I reallywent with it.
It was something that I did nothave control of.
How has that come up in yourdating life?
(11:06):
I would like to know.
I'm interested in it.
Again, being flood lit by Ryan,I know that he did it to see if
I could tolerate him or if Icould handle him.
'cause he is told me thisbefore.
It's not like an assumption, doI see it as toxic or do I see it
as manipulative?
(11:27):
In our circumstance?
I don't think so.
I don't think that his heart wasreally in the place of,"oh,
could she handle me?" I thinkhis mind process, and this is
again my thought that he waslike,"I've had a very busy kind
of fucked up life.
(11:48):
I got a lot to unpack and Iwanna make this happen.
I wanna tell you about me." AndI think it was like coming from
a more direct place, right?
"I'm gonna tell you about me andyou're gonna like me, or you're
not gonna like me, and this iswho I am.
And I'm just gonna tell you." Soyes, I think that the intention
(12:11):
was more from the heart than itwas to be,"looking for a
reaction." Anyhow, I guessthat's something that I should
ask him about because now I'minterested, so I'll probably do
that.
Maybe I could do a podcast withhim about it.
But just, take a look at that.
Tell me what you think aboutflood lighting.
I'm curious because all thisterminology with dating and
(12:33):
stuff, it just trends.
Ghosting, I think probably thefirst one that came around when,
back in the day when I wasdating a lot.
But there's just so many thingslike love bombing and bread
crumbing and all this stuff.
So all of these words areappearing, and it might be
interesting and useful to get toknow some of these vocabulary
(12:56):
words.
If not, then you can explain ithow it, it was in its original
way.
You don't need a term for it,'cause it, it happens.
But anyways, I'm interested inseeing what you guys think about
it.
Is it a real thing?
Is it silly?
Is it serious?
Have you been affected by it?
Have you overshared?
(13:18):
That's like what I really wannaknow, because I think that would
be the red flag one for me.
What if somebody over shares toget somebody else to overshare.
If you go on a date and this guykeeps oversharing with you With
the goal of you oversharing, buthe's really trying to get
information from you to use youfor something else, not
(13:40):
necessarily a relationship.
That's where obviously this is ared flag.
The toxic behavior to me, likeif they're trying to find your
weaknesses'cause they're anarcissist.
Or if they're trying to getpersonal information to you to
get something else from it, togain something personally from
it.
Maybe they're credit cardthieves or something and they're
(14:00):
gonna get your mom's maiden nameand the street you used to live
on and then they're gonna goopen up a bunch of credit cards
in your name or something.
You just don't know.
So that's what I'm curiousabout.
Like to me, that's like a realdefinition of floodlighting in
my personal definition of it.
Not just somebody who's oh,okay, here's my life.
(14:21):
What do you think?
But.
I guess everybody has their own,feelings about that, right?
So anyhow, I am so interested toknow if you've been flood lit or
if you're a floodlighter, andwhat results has come about for
you from that floodlighting?
I have so many other vocabularywords that I wanna talk about or
(14:43):
things like a 3, 3, 3 rule andthe 7, 7, 7 rule and all these
different rules and stuff likethat.
So that's what I've been lookingup to talk about the next couple
weeks.
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If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Law & Order: Criminal Justice System - Season 1 & Season 2
Season Two Out Now! Law & Order: Criminal Justice System tells the real stories behind the landmark cases that have shaped how the most dangerous and influential criminals in America are prosecuted. In its second season, the series tackles the threat of terrorism in the United States. From the rise of extremist political groups in the 60s to domestic lone wolves in the modern day, we explore how organizations like the FBI and Joint Terrorism Take Force have evolved to fight back against a multitude of terrorist threats.