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Cristina (00:00):
You are listening to
The Curvy Girl Dating Podcast,
Episode 32:"She Must Have BeenSkinny When They Met." Hi, I'm
Cristina.
After 10 years of dating, I wastired of attracting the wrong
type of guys and thinking I hadto lose weight to find love.
I finally figured out how todate and I found the love I
(00:22):
thought I would never find eachweek.
I'll teach you dating advice,share dating stories and help
you ditch the dating drama.
My goal is to help you have funand create the life you love.
If you're ready to take yourdating to another level, then
listen up and let's go.
(00:42):
Hey y'all.
Welcome to another episode ofThe Curvy Girl Dating Podcast.
I am your host, CristinaGonzalez, and today we are going
to go there.
I am so excited about this topicbecause.
It is so real.
So let me paint a picture foryou so that you can understand
what we're gonna talk abouttoday.
(01:03):
It's just a little bitty thoughtthat creeps up in our mind that
it's pretty shitty and it's notshitty just for you, but it's in
general, just a shitty thoughtfor everybody.
So let me paint the picture.
You are out and about and youare having a great time, and
it's a beautiful day and you'reminding your own business and
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all of a sudden you see thiscouple, and it's another plus
size woman and her average sizeguy, so straight size guy, not a
plus size guy.
Maybe he's a little thin.
Maybe this guy is jacked andsuper hot.
So like bonus points if he'slike this fine as hell guy and
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he's with this plus size woman.
What is the first thought thatyou might think?
A lot of times that thought is,"she must have been skinny
whenever they met." I'm justletting you know, it might have
crossed your mind before in thislifetime.
You're not alone and you're nota bad person for thinking it.
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It's a shitty thought.
Okay we're gonna just say itthat way, but it doesn't mean
you're a bad person.
But we're talking today aboutwhy you're having that thought,
what it means, and how we canunlearn that belief or that
thought about people, and teachyourself how to catch it and not
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think that way about other womenbecause it's shitty.
So how do we do that?
Okay, so what if you were inthat situation that you have
that thought or what if you'rethat woman?
Have you ever been in thesituation where you are that
woman?
You are the plus size womanminding your own business with
your hot ass dude or whateveryour average size guy?
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Has anybody ever had aconversation with you that's
insinuated that you must havebeen skinny whenever you met?
"How long have you guys beentogether?
You must have gained weightsince you've met him, right?"
Has anybody given you thatpassive aggressive belief or
thought, whenever they'retalking to you or having a
conversation with you about yourrelationship, first of all, fuck
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all the way off, right?
Because it's none of yourbusiness.
So why does this thought comeup?
First of all, it comes upbecause that's just what we've
been taught.
Like it's been normal to havethe thought that overweight
people are of lower value or areunworthy of having a healthy
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relationship that we can onlyget whatever we get.
We get the leftovers or we getwhat we deserve, or we're not
good enough.
That's just a societal norm thathas been happening through our
society for years and years thatwe've had movies about it.
We've had movies about the uglywoman that gets the makeover and
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turns into a swan and everybodywants to date her.
She was this beautiful personinside, but now that she's
beautiful out on the outside,everyone wants to be her friend
and stuff like that.
So we've seen this movie amillion times, right?
And it's just plugged into herbrain, it's what we've learned.
We don't have to continue thatnarrative.
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We can create our own.
So all of this that we see allthe time is just something that
we instill in ourselves and it'sconditioned that we believe that
we're less and that we don'tdeserve romantic relationships.
And it's very harmful.
Okay.
It reinforces the idea that onlythin women are worthy of love.
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And again, that we aren't worthyof it, and it's just simply not
true.
It creates this division amongwomen and we're supposed to be
in solidarity.
You know what I mean?
Women are supposed to supporteach other, and even if we're
not supposed to, why not?
It is old school to be a haterof other women, to put down
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other women.
That shit is old.
Like, why are we still doingthat?
We don't need to be talkingabout other people like that.
If there's a woman, you need tohigh five her.
You need to smile at her.
You need to compliment her.
We're talking about the just dayby day woman that you see and
not drama and just minding theirown damn business.
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Why are we having to think aboutshitty thoughts like that?
Oh she must have been skinny.
She must have been skinnybefore.
And that's the only way she gotthat guy." And again, I've had
the thought too.
I'm guilty of it.
I'm guilty of talking shit aboutwomen.
I'm not saying that I haven't,but you catch yourself and you
become a better person byrecognizing that it's foul and
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it's not fair.
And the way to go is to hypeeach other up and change that
narrative so that we're nottalking shit and we're not
judging women.
And we're like,"you go girl.
You go girl, for having that hotass man." Why are we not
supporting that and why are wenot happy for that person?
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We need to recognize that oursize does not equal our value or
our happiness or our worthinessthat we could be with whoever
the fuck we want.
And we have to believe inourselves that we are good
enough to get exactly what wewant and what we deserve.
So like how do you fix that?
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How do you get out of thatthought?
That you are not good enough, orthat person isn't good enough
for that guy.
Like, how is that woman not goodenough for that guy?
Why?
Why is that even any of yourbusiness, mind your own business
and worry about yourself.
Worry about what is in your headthat makes you think that and
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makes you believe that aboutthat person, right?
It's a harmful thought.
Again, you're not a bad personfor thinking it, but we have the
opportunity to change it.
Like why have those crappythoughts in our head when we can
have thoughts that areempowering and thoughts that are
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helpful and useful.
Why can't we just be happy forsomebody else?
Whenever you feel shitty andcomment shitty things about
people, it's because that's howyou're feeling about yourself
and it says a lot more about youand what you think about you
than about that woman.
She's just going about her day.
She's with her hot ass man andshe's just trying to have a nice
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time and a nice life, and shedoes not need your little
thoughts creeping up in herbusiness.
So#1, keep that shit toyourself, stop it.
Recognize that's happening, andbe like,"why am I saying this?
Why do I believe this?
where did I learn this from?" Ialready said you learned it from
our natural society of what wewatch, what we see every single
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day.
But just because we see itdoesn't mean we have to continue
that story.
We get to change it.
We get to create a narrativethat's different and share it
with other people.
You'll get to be out with yourother plus-sized friends that
say that out loud and you get achance to correct it and tell
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her,"that is none of yourbusiness.
And that's probably not true.
She probably met him just theway she is.
He probably loves her becauseshe's an amazing person and you
need to check yourself for whyyou're saying that." And help
other people understand that's asilly way to think, why are we
putting down women like that?
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It's just, it's old and I guessit is just sucks that people
have these thoughts in theirhead, and there's still so many
people that have these thoughts,and again, including myself, and
we're normal human beings tohave judgment.
We're normal to not have theseperfect brains that are always
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happy and always excited forother people.
We have shitty thoughts.
That's just how life goes.
The trick is catching it andsolving that, and changing the
narrative and doing it everysingle time, reframing it.
Every time in your head and yousay,"oh, I bet you that she was
thin whenever she met him,there's no way that she would've
(09:39):
met him when she was that size."If you have that in your head,
you stop that thought.
And you think,"how is thatuseful?
How is that helping anybody?
How is it helping me?
How is it helping my belief ofher?
How is it helping the belief ofmyself?
How do we stop this?" Sostopping and thinking and
catching yourself is just a hugestep forward in challenging your
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belief and reframing your mindand reframing that thought.
So what is something better andmore useful to think when you
see her and you say,"oh, I betshe was skinny before." You can
be like,"first of all, it's noneof my business.
Second of all, I'm sure he lovesher just as she is.
I know that I can be loved justas I am after I get rid of this
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shitty thought in my head."Normalize the fact that you can
represent the love that you wantand be loved the way that you
want at whatever size that youare.
Like you can have love today.
You don't have to have love 20pounds from now.
You don't have to wait for that.
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You deserve it right now.
You can be pursued right now.
You can be desired right now,but nobody's gonna want to
pursue you and desire you whenyou have crappy ass thoughts
like that running in your head.
And if you say them out loud,you're not gonna get somebody to
desire you or love you or pursueyou.
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You've gotta clean it up, okay?
When you clean up your brain,you clean up your attitude you
clean up your environment.
You clean up the way that youfeel, your posture, your
attitude in general, how youexpress yourself.
You're willing to haveconversations with people when
you clean up the shittythoughts.
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The only way that you're goingto create the right energy and
confidence and emotionalconnection is to start with
yourself and clean that shit up.
That's the energy that you wannaget rid of.
We talked about spring cleaningthe other day.
That's what you need to springclean.
You don't need a diet from yourfood.
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You need a diet from your mindto get rid of all of that stuff.
It's little baby steps, butclean it up.
Following couples that dorepresent the love that you
want, that you are looking for,give yourself those affirmations
every single day and remindyourself that you're worth it
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every day that you can find theperson that you wanna be with.
Don't give yourself theopportunity to sit in that
emotional spiral to take youdown.
You don't need to be taken downwith your thoughts.
When you have a chance to createthoughts that are loving and
compassionate and helpful anduseful for you, right?
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You need thoughts in your headthat are gonna make you smile,
that are gonna make youempowered and feel great about
yourself.
So catch those shitty thoughtswhenever you have them and you
start getting into this mentalspiral and you're just in this
toilet of bad thoughts.
Why?
You have an opportunity to notbe that way.
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You're one thought away fromhaving an empowered thought.
So it takes practice one thoughtat a time, and that's all.
It's just the thought and itmeans nothing until you decide
that it means something.
Until you feel something aboutthat thought, that's what's
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going to make it feel real.
But other than that, they'rejust words that are running
through your head and they don'tmean shit.
They are just words.
So detach your feelings fromcrappy words and stop making
yourself feel crappy and startfinding the thoughts and finding
the words that are going tocreate happiness and safety and
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comfort and desire for yourself.
cause that's the only way thatyou're going to turn that story
around and create the one that'sgonna be useful and helpful for
you.
So tell me, have you been thatperson that had that thought?
We're in the space right now toacknowledge that we've had that
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thought in our head.
Say, it's okay.
Remind yourself that doesn'thave to be true.
And remind yourself that we'rein a time that we need to
support each other as women andlift each other up as much as we
can.
So how can we take a pause,forgive ourselves for that
thought and reframe it intosomething powerful.
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How can we change that littlejudgy face that you probably
have when you're looking at thatcouple and instead smile and
just give her a look that shecan see in her head.
'cause we know we read eachother's minds that says,"you go
girl." How can you do that andmake somebody's day, including
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your own, instead of having ashitty thought, right?
'cause it's not helping anybody.
So I hope that makes sense and Ihope that it's one step closer
for you to catch those thoughtsthat aren't helping you and
creating something that isuseful.
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Remind yourself that girl lovesherself.
She is loved.
She's loved exactly how she is.
Love does not have a size limit.
I am worthy of the love that Ideserve and I can have the most
abundant amount of love and Ican have the healthiest
relationship.
Like these are things that youneed to remind yourself every
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single day, and it might notfeel true, it might not yet, but
the more that you change thosethoughts and you put the
positive ones in there and youtry to fit them in there, like a
little puzzle, eventually thatpuzzle's gonna connect and it's
going to be right, and yourthoughts are gonna be in the
right place.
But in the meantime, when it'sthis scattered puzzle and you're
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trying different puzzle piecesuntil you get the right one that
fits, that's how you gotta thinkabout it as your thoughts are
big pile puzzle pieces and theycan either be broken and never
turn into this beautiful pictureand just sit there or you can
start trying on the pieces.
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Start trying on those thoughtsuntil they fit and until you see
that beautiful picture.
Okay.
So I hope that this resonateswith you.
If it does, then do me a favor,tag me on Instagram.
Share your biggest takeaway fromthis.
If you've ever been the woman inthe relationship, send me a
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message.
I'd love to hear your story.
I'd love to hear how you felt,if you could see that face of
somebody judging you.
How do you feel if you are theplus-size woman with the hot ass
dude and you think the thought,"they all probably think I was
skinny when I met him.
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All of these women must thinkthat he shouldn't be with me."
You know, that's a valid thoughttoo, because if you're from one
end of the spectrum and then youget that man and then you still
haven't changed your thoughts.
You're still not in the beliefthat you deserve that
relationship and you're stillthe plus size woman that says,
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"I'm not good enough because I'mnot skinny." I wanna hear your
story.
As always, thank you for beinghere and thank you for
listening.
Thanks for being honest withyourself and for doing the work.
And remember that you're lovableand you're valuable and you're
so damn worthy right now.
You're worthy right now.
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Today, you are worthy.
Thank you so much and I'll talkto you next time.
Bye.