February 28, 2024 • 20 mins
In this week’s episode of The Divorce Dad Diaries, we guide listeners through the "denial" phase–often the first stage experienced during the divorce process. We try to highlight the diverse elements of denial and provide a compassionate perspective drawn from my own personal experiences, helping listeners understand how denial can manifest both pre and post-divorce
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:04):
This week on The Divorce Dad Diaries, we'll continue our series on the five stages of divorce.
This week, we'll start with the first stage, which is denial, and I hope you enjoy.
Hello, everyone, and welcome to The Divorce Dad Diaries, and I'm your host, Stéphane Joutras.
(00:27):
Music.
I hope everyone's doing very well. I know it's been a little while,
but I'm really, really happy to be back here and behind the mic.
And it's been a couple of months. I was really thinking of posting more episodes,
but as always, life gets in the way.
And to be honest, the past couple of months have been busy.
(00:50):
But I think one of the key things that happened is my daughter,
my older daughter, decided to move out.
So that's a big move. I mean, being with your kids pretty much all the time,
she's basically my first kid deciding to leave the home here.
So she was with me at full time.
And even though she was spending a lot of time outside and a lot of time with
her boyfriend, I wasn't seeing her as much as I did.
(01:13):
It was kind of a little bit of a surprise and some sadness to see her leave.
So really what happened at that point was her and her boyfriend decided to move
out of province and kind of start their lives together and see how it goes.
So they moved, I would say, a couple of provinces west.
So they moved west and not really having a job.
(01:36):
And well, they found an apartment, but they actually took two cars and drove
all the way there, thousands of kilometers.
And yeah, that was a big move that happened.
So that kind of kept me busy and also kept me reflecting a little bit about the past years.
And we always talk about the kids. I mean, it's always painful going through
(01:56):
a divorce for us and also for the kids, but you don't really fully realize how
lucky you are if you have your kids with you.
You take that sometimes for granted and either you have them full time or either
you have them I'm like a week out of two, but it's really a big thing.
And I know a lot of dads out there fighting to get more time with their kids.
(02:19):
All I can say is, you know, just hanging there and do all you can for it because
it's already time now my daughter left.
It's a kind of a big void, I have to say. I didn't expect it to be as big as that.
It's a big void. Just passing by a room and her not being there.
I mean, she's 21 years old, so she's been with me pretty much her whole life.
(02:39):
Now, not being able to just kind of come home and talk to her,
or even though now with communication, it's possible to talk to her anytime
with FaceTime or everything.
But still, it's a big step.
And now it's just basically in my place here, me and my son.
So we're 17, and I don't think he's close to leaving home. But still,
(03:00):
it will happen at some point.
This week, really, like I mentioned a bit before, what I want to talk about
is really the first stage of divorce, which is denial.
The denial period, I mean, if we have to kind of summarize or describe it really
kind of at high level, it's really the period that offers, I would say,
(03:22):
a temporary retreat from reality.
So the denial is really, you know, when everything happens or when a lot of
things happen, you just don't want to face reality.
So it's a way to kind of step away from reality and just either ignore it or
pretend that it's not happening or there's different ways to react to that denial phase.
(03:43):
The key thing is really to refuse or even acknowledge that, you know,
divorce is happening or that there's a problem in your relationship.
So really, that's the first phase. And I know I'm talking about the five stages
of divorce, but I mean, denial actually can start even before divorce.
You know, denial, if I look at the definition, as I always love to do,
(04:07):
denial acts as an emotional shock absorber.
So individuals can face reality in small steps.
That's the definition of denial, the one that kind of sticks the most,
you know, with divorce and with all those five stages.
And again, I thought about the last episode, I thought about that too,
that, you know, I'm talking about divorce, but those same stages apply to a
(04:30):
lot of other things, for example, death and kind of major events.
But really, like I said, you know, it's a retreat from reality, shock absorber.
So it makes it a bit easier to face reality.
So during that phase, there's a lot of things that can happen.
Can I have dreams of reuniting with your spouse, depending how it went with them?
(04:50):
That during the denial phase, often you're kind of unwilling to make decisions about property,
about your children, about what's happening in your life, because maybe there's
still a bit of hope that either it's not happening or that it will fix itself
or that it's not the proper time to do it.
And same thing. Talk about making decisions that you kind of don't want to make
(05:12):
any decisions. decisions, you're also kind of unwilling to consider what your future will be like.
So you don't want to think about the future. We're just thinking about now and
just thinking about what's happening. Is it really real?
There's probably a way to fix it or there's probably a way to go around it.
So that's a pretty important phase. And sometimes it can last for a long time.
(05:33):
You know, I'm giving some example here, but even sometimes during that phase,
you might even deny that the conflict exists in a relationship.
You might say, well, it wasn't that bad.
Or, yeah, we're not getting a divorce. I'm sure we'll fix this.
Or we're not separating.
It's just a phase and it will get fixed. It's just a little thing.
That's something that might happen during that phase as well.
(05:55):
And something as well that you might kind of deny that the former spouse or
your wife or husband is in pain or distress as well.
So you can see what's happening and you can, you know, you talk about it.
Not being happy and conflicts and maybe just cheating, maybe a bunch of stuff.
But really also during the denial phase, you kind of ignore all this and deny
(06:18):
that there's actually a problem and that your spouse is either in pain or not happy or anything.
So those I would say are kind of example of the denial phase.
And if you just recently went through a divorce or are going through a divorce,
you probably had some of those.
On my side, this phase happened and it took probably a little while.
(06:44):
I mean, I was talking about that before. It's just saying like denial is not
only when after the fact, but it could be, you know, it's not going well.
You know, relationship is not going well.
You know, it's not going the right direction, but you always kind of pretend
that, you know what, it's not that bad.
And you know what, I'll stay and continue. And you know what,
I'm not that unhappy and my spouse is not that unhappy. happy.
(07:06):
So you kind of stay in that relationship or that marriage longer than you should.
And just because, again, you don't really want to deal with reality because sometimes it's tough.
And as we, you know, discussed in the past, many, many podcasts,
it's not something easy.
And sometimes like any problem, sometimes it's easier to just pretend it doesn't
(07:28):
exist or to kind of push it away because you don't want to deal with it.
So usually that lasts a little while. And like I said, It can be a couple of
weeks, a couple of months, a couple of years even.
I mean, that was kind of my case at the beginning. And that's why I got divorced,
I guess, later than sooner, because I really didn't think.
(07:51):
I wouldn't say I didn't think there was a problem, but I really thought that
it could be fixed and that I could just go on like that.
I mean, that's what happened. And as always, I'm always, I always say about,
you know, staying for the kids.
So that's another thing is like, you know, I know there's a problem,
but I want to stay with the kids or it will get better with time.
(08:12):
And that was my thing too.
It was like, I didn't want to move on because, because the kids would be affected.
And yeah, just saying, I can't leave.
What happened if I leave? Or what happened if your spouse leave?
Won't be able to continue and function. So that's what's happening during denial.
You just really let everything, I guess, kind of put everything on the side.
And it's a way to kind of protect yourself when you get hurt in a way or when
(08:37):
there's a big decision that's happening because of you or to you.
So it's really how, I guess, we define the denial phase. phase.
So I guess the next question would be really, how do you know when that phase is over?
Like I said, it can last a long time and it's not necessarily,
you know, one day you're in denial, you wake up the next morning, you go to the next phase.
(09:00):
It's really often progressive and sometimes something will trigger the change, right?
You're kind of really in denial, but there'll be something happening or something
your spouse will say or do, or even you, and you realize, you know what?
Yeah, I've been in denial and now it's time to move on and just go for it.
(09:21):
So that's what I called. And if you listen to, again, some of the older episodes,
you'll hear about the point of no return, which in my opinion,
I think is the denial phase.
And for me, it was. Like I said, for many years, I lived and pretended maybe
that everything was good, or at least that I could live with it. and went on with it.
(09:42):
But there's one day that you kind of sit down and realize like,
okay, I think that's enough now and have the discussion and really decide to kind of move forward.
That for me was that point.
Also, when you get a divorce and you're actually divorced, everything is done.
And I remember getting the paper and you know that everything has been settled,
(10:05):
but still, there's still a bit of denial there too after the divorce.
You're like, hmm, really, what do I do now?
You know, now that it's done and I have the paper, what do I do? How do I move forward?
Sometimes you kind of put that on the side and just pretend it didn't happen
because you don't really know how to react.
So you kind of put on the side and just say, you know what, I'm not ready to deal with it.
(10:28):
And sometimes it's like that, too. It's just a matter of not really ready to deal with it right now.
So you put it really on the side for later.
So as I was saying before, the,
a lot of different ways to identify that you're in the now phase.
It's nothing bad. It's normal. And it's not that you have to,
(10:49):
you know, you've been long enough and you have to move to the next phase.
So you're definitely not like a video game.
There's a bunch of things that happen during that time, right?
So one thing that you often do in the now is, again, you know,
you don't really want to face reality and you know that it will be more and more difficult.
So sometimes you try to either accept the way everything is or you try to find
(11:11):
ways to work with it and to make it better because you don't want to accept that there's a problem.
And you just say, maybe if, you know, for example, maybe if I work harder on
my marriage, you know, we'll get better.
I will try to win my spouse back.
Sometimes like the denial phase too. And I'm talking about obviously on my side.
(11:31):
Yeah, sometimes, I mean, the other spouse might think like, you know what?
We can't leave the kids or he will never leave me.
And that's one thing that I heard many times as well.
And I have to say, even in my relationship at one point, I think I would say
my ex-wife, maybe in her head, this could not happen.
(11:53):
So I was talking about taking for granted, but that's one thing.
It's like, well, whatever happens, he or she will never leave me.
I mean, they need me and nothing can happen. So that's where we realized that
it's not really the case, right?
That's really some of the kind of common thoughts that might happen during the denial phase.
(12:14):
So one thing during that phase is exactly, you start thinking about, like I said, right?
Why you don't want to face reality or whenever you decide to face a reality,
what goes through your mind?
I mean, there's a lot of things that start, you start thinking after,
and that's why you don't want to deal with reality because obviously a divorce,
you know, brings a lot of sadness and people get hurt and, and you wonder like, okay, what will I do?
(12:40):
Can I go through it? Can I survive after my divorce?
So we talk about why, you know, denial happens during grief.
And we talk a bit about how long it would actually last. How long does that stage last?
And like I said, really, it really depends on the people.
Sometimes it might be shorter for some, longer for others.
(13:03):
There's not really, you know, any time frames for it. is just,
I guess, when you're ready to move on and just accept what's been happening.
That's the main thing that you know that you kind of passed the grief stage is when you accept it.
Also, I mean, how hard is the denial stage of grief?
I mean, denial, like I said, is very challenging stage because it's kind of
(13:27):
the first stage that happens after the event.
So there's a lot of questioning, a lot of emotions and everything is very raw.
So that's why usually the denial stage is a stage that is very important and
a stage that might last longer because it really affects pretty much everything around you.
And it's so fresh that it's hard to kind of move on.
(13:51):
And that's why I think it's probably one of the longest stage,
I would say, and that you kind of start learning about yourself,
about others and what's important and what's less important.
And yeah, it's a lot of questioning and reflecting as well.
Once you have some of the questions, some of the answers to those questions,
you might be able to face kind of reality on that front.
(14:15):
It's definitely, I would say like the hardest stage, but because I think every
stage that we'll talk about might be hard for anyone.
But this one being the first one might be the most important one.
So like I said, there's not really any timeframe for grief and can be weeks, months, or years.
But I mean, some people ask themselves and we have to ask ourselves,
(14:38):
when does denial become a problem?
You know, in theory, you shouldn't be spending years and years in denial.
So you really, as part of the grief process, you know, we should go and proceed
to the next stage, let's say.
But sometimes yeah if you're stuck in the
(14:58):
denial stage or it really gets worse in there
and you start basically not being able
to function because it's so difficult and
you kind of start neglecting yourself and it's impacting your life and everything
else those are signal maybe that you would need additional help to cope with
your grief and you know I'm talking about that here but definitely if you see
(15:22):
an issue and it starts affecting yourself and people around you you definitely,
it's always a good solution to find someone, find a therapist or find someone
to talk to about all this.
And, you know, might have some questions and they might be able to help you
to go through, I guess, that denial stage and kind of help you face what's in front of you.
(15:46):
And I would say face reality if you want.
Definitely, that's one of the things to keep in mind.
I mean, we talk about, you know, how do you cope with denial in the stage of grief?
It's definitely a tough stage, but here there's a couple example of like coping
skills that could help you manage your grief and help you create,
(16:09):
you know, that new normal if you wanted, that new life that's in front of you.
So, for example, sharing your feelings. I mean, it's a stage that's hard and
a lot of times you think that you're by yourself.
Self, but definitely feels good to be able to talk to other people and kind
of share your feelings and how you feel during that time.
And I mentioned it when it happened to me and the first time sitting at a table
(16:34):
with a bunch of my friends and opened up about my, I would say,
grief for separation and divorce.
And everybody started opening up because, you know,
somebody just takes takes one and you started having
some good discussions and definitely make you
feel better and make you feel not alone and make
(16:55):
you also realize that yeah other people
went through and that you can go through as well so an important thing is still
to try to socialize and stay connected i mean it's really hard to kind of you
know deal with denial and deal with grief is if if you're by yourself and you
don't, you know, spend time with people,
(17:15):
even though it's, it's difficult to do that. And it was the same for me.
Like sometimes the last thing I wanted to do was to see people and talk to people.
But when I did, it made me feel a bit better and just sharing and just talking.
And sometimes you don't even talk about that, but just the fact to be with people
and around people is, is really a big, big help.
(17:36):
Other suggestions too, it would be to, you know, for some people that don't
really want to, you know, stay connected right away, but can be using a journal.
So you can, you know, it's always good journaling for mental health and just
write things down and read those things.
And that, you know, sometimes writing things down make, help you make,
they help you understand better.
(17:58):
And, you know, reread yourself. It's a way to kind of let it out a little bit.
So definitely the good way.
Another thing too, I mean, some people sometimes Sometimes I just think that,
you know, they don't want to go through grief and it's very quick and they think
they should go from one stage to the other.
But sometimes it's kind of, or sometimes they're scared to go forward.
(18:20):
But I think sometimes it's kind of nice to step back a little bit in your life and just realize that.
You know, you need healing and you don't have to go super fast as well and basically
kind of see what you have and see what's good in your life and see the good
things that are ahead of you.
(18:41):
So sometimes it's a good thing to kind of take that pause and realize that after
all, you know, it won't be as bad as you think.
I hope this kind of helped you a little bit to understand a bit more the denial
stage and maybe realizing that you're still in it or that you went through it
(19:03):
but hopefully those little i guess tips and also just kind of knowing that other
people went through it and other people will go through it as well helps a little bit.
So that said i think that will
be it for this week i'm really happy that
(19:24):
you guys joined me with this episode and hopefully you enjoyed it and like i
said it's the first out of five so you should get the next stages very very
soon so hopefully you enjoyed them all and as always if If you ever have any
questions or you want to reach out, please don't hesitate.
You can reach me at thedivorcedatdiaries at gmail.com.
(19:47):
You can also go to my website at www.thedivorcedatdiaries.com.
You can go on Instagram as well, Facebook, Twitter.
So you can pretty much reach me anywhere you want. Don't hesitate if you have
any questions, comments, or even just want to chat or even and chat more a bit
about this stage of grief, please don't hesitate.
(20:10):
Again, I can share my experience as I did in this episode.
I hope everybody has a great week and I'm really looking forward to talk to you again soon.
Have a great one. Bye-bye.
Music.
This week on The Divorce Dad Diaries, we'll continue our series on the five stages of divorce.
This week, we'll start with the first stage, which is denial, and I hope you enjoy.
Hello, everyone, and welcome to The Divorce Dad Diaries, and I'm your host, Stéphane Joutras.
(00:27):
Music.
I hope everyone's doing very well. I know it's been a little while,
but I'm really, really happy to be back here and behind the mic.
And it's been a couple of months. I was really thinking of posting more episodes,
but as always, life gets in the way.
And to be honest, the past couple of months have been busy.
(00:50):
But I think one of the key things that happened is my daughter,
my older daughter, decided to move out.
So that's a big move. I mean, being with your kids pretty much all the time,
she's basically my first kid deciding to leave the home here.
So she was with me at full time.
And even though she was spending a lot of time outside and a lot of time with
her boyfriend, I wasn't seeing her as much as I did.
(01:13):
It was kind of a little bit of a surprise and some sadness to see her leave.
So really what happened at that point was her and her boyfriend decided to move
out of province and kind of start their lives together and see how it goes.
So they moved, I would say, a couple of provinces west.
So they moved west and not really having a job.
(01:36):
And well, they found an apartment, but they actually took two cars and drove
all the way there, thousands of kilometers.
And yeah, that was a big move that happened.
So that kind of kept me busy and also kept me reflecting a little bit about the past years.
And we always talk about the kids. I mean, it's always painful going through
(01:56):
a divorce for us and also for the kids, but you don't really fully realize how
lucky you are if you have your kids with you.
You take that sometimes for granted and either you have them full time or either
you have them I'm like a week out of two, but it's really a big thing.
And I know a lot of dads out there fighting to get more time with their kids.
(02:19):
All I can say is, you know, just hanging there and do all you can for it because
it's already time now my daughter left.
It's a kind of a big void, I have to say. I didn't expect it to be as big as that.
It's a big void. Just passing by a room and her not being there.
I mean, she's 21 years old, so she's been with me pretty much her whole life.
(02:39):
Now, not being able to just kind of come home and talk to her,
or even though now with communication, it's possible to talk to her anytime
with FaceTime or everything.
But still, it's a big step.
And now it's just basically in my place here, me and my son.
So we're 17, and I don't think he's close to leaving home. But still,
(03:00):
it will happen at some point.
This week, really, like I mentioned a bit before, what I want to talk about
is really the first stage of divorce, which is denial.
The denial period, I mean, if we have to kind of summarize or describe it really
kind of at high level, it's really the period that offers, I would say,
(03:22):
a temporary retreat from reality.
So the denial is really, you know, when everything happens or when a lot of
things happen, you just don't want to face reality.
So it's a way to kind of step away from reality and just either ignore it or
pretend that it's not happening or there's different ways to react to that denial phase.
(03:43):
The key thing is really to refuse or even acknowledge that, you know,
divorce is happening or that there's a problem in your relationship.
So really, that's the first phase. And I know I'm talking about the five stages
of divorce, but I mean, denial actually can start even before divorce.
You know, denial, if I look at the definition, as I always love to do,
(04:07):
denial acts as an emotional shock absorber.
So individuals can face reality in small steps.
That's the definition of denial, the one that kind of sticks the most,
you know, with divorce and with all those five stages.
And again, I thought about the last episode, I thought about that too,
that, you know, I'm talking about divorce, but those same stages apply to a
(04:30):
lot of other things, for example, death and kind of major events.
But really, like I said, you know, it's a retreat from reality, shock absorber.
So it makes it a bit easier to face reality.
So during that phase, there's a lot of things that can happen.
Can I have dreams of reuniting with your spouse, depending how it went with them?
(04:50):
That during the denial phase, often you're kind of unwilling to make decisions about property,
about your children, about what's happening in your life, because maybe there's
still a bit of hope that either it's not happening or that it will fix itself
or that it's not the proper time to do it.
And same thing. Talk about making decisions that you kind of don't want to make
(05:12):
any decisions. decisions, you're also kind of unwilling to consider what your future will be like.
So you don't want to think about the future. We're just thinking about now and
just thinking about what's happening. Is it really real?
There's probably a way to fix it or there's probably a way to go around it.
So that's a pretty important phase. And sometimes it can last for a long time.
(05:33):
You know, I'm giving some example here, but even sometimes during that phase,
you might even deny that the conflict exists in a relationship.
You might say, well, it wasn't that bad.
Or, yeah, we're not getting a divorce. I'm sure we'll fix this.
Or we're not separating.
It's just a phase and it will get fixed. It's just a little thing.
That's something that might happen during that phase as well.
(05:55):
And something as well that you might kind of deny that the former spouse or
your wife or husband is in pain or distress as well.
So you can see what's happening and you can, you know, you talk about it.
Not being happy and conflicts and maybe just cheating, maybe a bunch of stuff.
But really also during the denial phase, you kind of ignore all this and deny
(06:18):
that there's actually a problem and that your spouse is either in pain or not happy or anything.
So those I would say are kind of example of the denial phase.
And if you just recently went through a divorce or are going through a divorce,
you probably had some of those.
On my side, this phase happened and it took probably a little while.
(06:44):
I mean, I was talking about that before. It's just saying like denial is not
only when after the fact, but it could be, you know, it's not going well.
You know, relationship is not going well.
You know, it's not going the right direction, but you always kind of pretend
that, you know what, it's not that bad.
And you know what, I'll stay and continue. And you know what,
I'm not that unhappy and my spouse is not that unhappy. happy.
(07:06):
So you kind of stay in that relationship or that marriage longer than you should.
And just because, again, you don't really want to deal with reality because sometimes it's tough.
And as we, you know, discussed in the past, many, many podcasts,
it's not something easy.
And sometimes like any problem, sometimes it's easier to just pretend it doesn't
(07:28):
exist or to kind of push it away because you don't want to deal with it.
So usually that lasts a little while. And like I said, It can be a couple of
weeks, a couple of months, a couple of years even.
I mean, that was kind of my case at the beginning. And that's why I got divorced,
I guess, later than sooner, because I really didn't think.
(07:51):
I wouldn't say I didn't think there was a problem, but I really thought that
it could be fixed and that I could just go on like that.
I mean, that's what happened. And as always, I'm always, I always say about,
you know, staying for the kids.
So that's another thing is like, you know, I know there's a problem,
but I want to stay with the kids or it will get better with time.
(08:12):
And that was my thing too.
It was like, I didn't want to move on because, because the kids would be affected.
And yeah, just saying, I can't leave.
What happened if I leave? Or what happened if your spouse leave?
Won't be able to continue and function. So that's what's happening during denial.
You just really let everything, I guess, kind of put everything on the side.
And it's a way to kind of protect yourself when you get hurt in a way or when
(08:37):
there's a big decision that's happening because of you or to you.
So it's really how, I guess, we define the denial phase. phase.
So I guess the next question would be really, how do you know when that phase is over?
Like I said, it can last a long time and it's not necessarily,
you know, one day you're in denial, you wake up the next morning, you go to the next phase.
(09:00):
It's really often progressive and sometimes something will trigger the change, right?
You're kind of really in denial, but there'll be something happening or something
your spouse will say or do, or even you, and you realize, you know what?
Yeah, I've been in denial and now it's time to move on and just go for it.
(09:21):
So that's what I called. And if you listen to, again, some of the older episodes,
you'll hear about the point of no return, which in my opinion,
I think is the denial phase.
And for me, it was. Like I said, for many years, I lived and pretended maybe
that everything was good, or at least that I could live with it. and went on with it.
(09:42):
But there's one day that you kind of sit down and realize like,
okay, I think that's enough now and have the discussion and really decide to kind of move forward.
That for me was that point.
Also, when you get a divorce and you're actually divorced, everything is done.
And I remember getting the paper and you know that everything has been settled,
(10:05):
but still, there's still a bit of denial there too after the divorce.
You're like, hmm, really, what do I do now?
You know, now that it's done and I have the paper, what do I do? How do I move forward?
Sometimes you kind of put that on the side and just pretend it didn't happen
because you don't really know how to react.
So you kind of put on the side and just say, you know what, I'm not ready to deal with it.
(10:28):
And sometimes it's like that, too. It's just a matter of not really ready to deal with it right now.
So you put it really on the side for later.
So as I was saying before, the,
a lot of different ways to identify that you're in the now phase.
It's nothing bad. It's normal. And it's not that you have to,
(10:49):
you know, you've been long enough and you have to move to the next phase.
So you're definitely not like a video game.
There's a bunch of things that happen during that time, right?
So one thing that you often do in the now is, again, you know,
you don't really want to face reality and you know that it will be more and more difficult.
So sometimes you try to either accept the way everything is or you try to find
(11:11):
ways to work with it and to make it better because you don't want to accept that there's a problem.
And you just say, maybe if, you know, for example, maybe if I work harder on
my marriage, you know, we'll get better.
I will try to win my spouse back.
Sometimes like the denial phase too. And I'm talking about obviously on my side.
(11:31):
Yeah, sometimes, I mean, the other spouse might think like, you know what?
We can't leave the kids or he will never leave me.
And that's one thing that I heard many times as well.
And I have to say, even in my relationship at one point, I think I would say
my ex-wife, maybe in her head, this could not happen.
(11:53):
So I was talking about taking for granted, but that's one thing.
It's like, well, whatever happens, he or she will never leave me.
I mean, they need me and nothing can happen. So that's where we realized that
it's not really the case, right?
That's really some of the kind of common thoughts that might happen during the denial phase.
(12:14):
So one thing during that phase is exactly, you start thinking about, like I said, right?
Why you don't want to face reality or whenever you decide to face a reality,
what goes through your mind?
I mean, there's a lot of things that start, you start thinking after,
and that's why you don't want to deal with reality because obviously a divorce,
you know, brings a lot of sadness and people get hurt and, and you wonder like, okay, what will I do?
(12:40):
Can I go through it? Can I survive after my divorce?
So we talk about why, you know, denial happens during grief.
And we talk a bit about how long it would actually last. How long does that stage last?
And like I said, really, it really depends on the people.
Sometimes it might be shorter for some, longer for others.
(13:03):
There's not really, you know, any time frames for it. is just,
I guess, when you're ready to move on and just accept what's been happening.
That's the main thing that you know that you kind of passed the grief stage is when you accept it.
Also, I mean, how hard is the denial stage of grief?
I mean, denial, like I said, is very challenging stage because it's kind of
(13:27):
the first stage that happens after the event.
So there's a lot of questioning, a lot of emotions and everything is very raw.
So that's why usually the denial stage is a stage that is very important and
a stage that might last longer because it really affects pretty much everything around you.
And it's so fresh that it's hard to kind of move on.
(13:51):
And that's why I think it's probably one of the longest stage,
I would say, and that you kind of start learning about yourself,
about others and what's important and what's less important.
And yeah, it's a lot of questioning and reflecting as well.
Once you have some of the questions, some of the answers to those questions,
you might be able to face kind of reality on that front.
(14:15):
It's definitely, I would say like the hardest stage, but because I think every
stage that we'll talk about might be hard for anyone.
But this one being the first one might be the most important one.
So like I said, there's not really any timeframe for grief and can be weeks, months, or years.
But I mean, some people ask themselves and we have to ask ourselves,
(14:38):
when does denial become a problem?
You know, in theory, you shouldn't be spending years and years in denial.
So you really, as part of the grief process, you know, we should go and proceed
to the next stage, let's say.
But sometimes yeah if you're stuck in the
(14:58):
denial stage or it really gets worse in there
and you start basically not being able
to function because it's so difficult and
you kind of start neglecting yourself and it's impacting your life and everything
else those are signal maybe that you would need additional help to cope with
your grief and you know I'm talking about that here but definitely if you see
(15:22):
an issue and it starts affecting yourself and people around you you definitely,
it's always a good solution to find someone, find a therapist or find someone
to talk to about all this.
And, you know, might have some questions and they might be able to help you
to go through, I guess, that denial stage and kind of help you face what's in front of you.
(15:46):
And I would say face reality if you want.
Definitely, that's one of the things to keep in mind.
I mean, we talk about, you know, how do you cope with denial in the stage of grief?
It's definitely a tough stage, but here there's a couple example of like coping
skills that could help you manage your grief and help you create,
(16:09):
you know, that new normal if you wanted, that new life that's in front of you.
So, for example, sharing your feelings. I mean, it's a stage that's hard and
a lot of times you think that you're by yourself.
Self, but definitely feels good to be able to talk to other people and kind
of share your feelings and how you feel during that time.
And I mentioned it when it happened to me and the first time sitting at a table
(16:34):
with a bunch of my friends and opened up about my, I would say,
grief for separation and divorce.
And everybody started opening up because, you know,
somebody just takes takes one and you started having
some good discussions and definitely make you
feel better and make you feel not alone and make
(16:55):
you also realize that yeah other people
went through and that you can go through as well so an important thing is still
to try to socialize and stay connected i mean it's really hard to kind of you
know deal with denial and deal with grief is if if you're by yourself and you
don't, you know, spend time with people,
(17:15):
even though it's, it's difficult to do that. And it was the same for me.
Like sometimes the last thing I wanted to do was to see people and talk to people.
But when I did, it made me feel a bit better and just sharing and just talking.
And sometimes you don't even talk about that, but just the fact to be with people
and around people is, is really a big, big help.
(17:36):
Other suggestions too, it would be to, you know, for some people that don't
really want to, you know, stay connected right away, but can be using a journal.
So you can, you know, it's always good journaling for mental health and just
write things down and read those things.
And that, you know, sometimes writing things down make, help you make,
they help you understand better.
(17:58):
And, you know, reread yourself. It's a way to kind of let it out a little bit.
So definitely the good way.
Another thing too, I mean, some people sometimes Sometimes I just think that,
you know, they don't want to go through grief and it's very quick and they think
they should go from one stage to the other.
But sometimes it's kind of, or sometimes they're scared to go forward.
(18:20):
But I think sometimes it's kind of nice to step back a little bit in your life and just realize that.
You know, you need healing and you don't have to go super fast as well and basically
kind of see what you have and see what's good in your life and see the good
things that are ahead of you.
(18:41):
So sometimes it's a good thing to kind of take that pause and realize that after
all, you know, it won't be as bad as you think.
I hope this kind of helped you a little bit to understand a bit more the denial
stage and maybe realizing that you're still in it or that you went through it
(19:03):
but hopefully those little i guess tips and also just kind of knowing that other
people went through it and other people will go through it as well helps a little bit.
So that said i think that will
be it for this week i'm really happy that
(19:24):
you guys joined me with this episode and hopefully you enjoyed it and like i
said it's the first out of five so you should get the next stages very very
soon so hopefully you enjoyed them all and as always if If you ever have any
questions or you want to reach out, please don't hesitate.
You can reach me at thedivorcedatdiaries at gmail.com.
(19:47):
You can also go to my website at www.thedivorcedatdiaries.com.
You can go on Instagram as well, Facebook, Twitter.
So you can pretty much reach me anywhere you want. Don't hesitate if you have
any questions, comments, or even just want to chat or even and chat more a bit
about this stage of grief, please don't hesitate.
(20:10):
Again, I can share my experience as I did in this episode.
I hope everybody has a great week and I'm really looking forward to talk to you again soon.
Have a great one. Bye-bye.
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