September 16, 2024 • 19 mins
Welcome back to a new episode of The Divorced Dad Diaries!. After a brief hiatus, I am happy to return with you all.
In this episode, I delve into the anger stage of divorce, the phase that follows denial.
Let's explore how anger surfaces when the reality of divorce sets in, sparking intense emotions and potential conflicts. I shares personal anecdotes and practical advice on managing this tumultuous period, highlighting the importance of communication, the pitfalls of emotional decisions, and the long-term impacts on both parents and children.
Join us as we discuss strategies to cope with anger constructively, ensuring that decisions are made with clarity rather than emotion. Understand the significance of asking the right questions and focusing on future gains rather than dwelling on past hurts. Tune in to gain valuable perspectives on navigating this challenging phase and moving towards a more positive future.
For more episodes and resources, visit my website or connect with me on social media. Let's journey through this together, one step at a time.
Please feel free to reach me at TheDivorcedDadDiaries@gmail.com for any comments, or questions or to share your stories!
Or on Instagram @TheDivorcedDadDiaries
You can also visit www.TheDivorcedDadDiaries.com for more!
All the best to you all, and stay safe!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Music.
(00:06):
Hello, everyone, and welcome to The Divorced Dad Diaries. I'm your host, Stéphane Jutras.
Welcome back, everyone, to a new episode. And I hope everyone's doing well and
hope everyone is still following and with me.
I know it's been a little while. It's been actually, I would say, a couple months.
(00:30):
As always, there's no excuse. And all I can say, it's not because I'm done with
the podcast or I'm not enjoying it or I decided to stop it.
Just a little break that happened during that period. It was the end of the
year, beginning of the summer.
And as always, too many projects, too many things going on.
And I always have the best intentions of posting an episode.
(00:54):
But as you guys probably know, you actually look at your calendar and next thing
it's like start counting the months.
And wow, it's been like months since the last episode.
That said, I am back and i will
definitely try to post more often this time always a
promise i make and i'm glad that you guys are sticking with
me even though sometimes i don't always keep that promise but what i can say
(01:18):
is there's a lot of topics still that have on my list that i'd love to talk
about with you all and i really hope that you stick with me and again keep downloading
the episodes and going back to the old one as well.
I know I talked at some point about basically revisiting the Divorce.Diary website.
(01:38):
And the first step happened, you probably didn't see it, but I actually moved
out from my older provider to a
new one, which should be a bit better and faster for the website to load.
And now the step two is actually I started to look at redesigning the website
and make it a bit more user-friendly.
And also i wanted it to be
(01:58):
used as a tool so i know all my episodes there's
a lot of information posted in there but it might be a bit difficult sometimes
if you're interested in one particular topic at
this point look at the episodes and look at the titles and a bit of the description
it's a bit more difficult to find so really my goal is to redesign a new website
i have more sections there that you guys will be able to actually go on those
(02:21):
sections and consult all the different episodes and also be able to search through them.
For example, if you're interested in the children alienation,
you could go and there'll be a section under that.
So I'm trying to set that up so that it becomes a reference where everyone can
go actually listen to the episode, but on top of that, do a bit of research
and just maybe get the information that they need.
(02:44):
Also, I have a lot of links, a lot of things that I talk about on the podcast that I want to put there.
So really, my goal is to revisit and redesign the website in the next month.
And post a new one that hopefully you'll all enjoy.
So this week, as you probably know, and you've heard, I was doing kind of the five stages of divorce.
(03:06):
And the last episode, I talked about the denial stage.
So this week, what I'll talk about is the anger stage. So the next stage after denial.
And it usually happens once you're basically out of denial and you actually
realize that, yes, the divorce is going. It's definitely a major life change.
(03:27):
At that point, after the denial phase, you might start getting angry because
you realize, you know what, it is happening.
And now that I've gone through it, looking back, it's much easier to identify that.
At the denial stage, you're not sure if the divorce will happen.
And you say, we'll try to fix things.
And oh, it's just temporary. And I'm sure we can manage.
(03:47):
But once it settles in, and for example, in my case, At one point, the decision was made.
The papers were served to my ex-wife and the reality started settling in.
So anything you talked about before is really up in the air, I would say.
At least for me, it was. Because for all of you that know my story,
(04:08):
we had sat down when we decided to get separated.
We had sat down and discussed about how we saw it and how we wanted to deal with it.
It was a sad time, but it was very friendly. We sat down and discussed about,
so what do we do? What do we plan on doing with the kids?
And both agrees, okay, we'll be 50-50.
And yeah, I'll find a place and we'll sell the house. And eventually,
(04:31):
I guess my ex-wife will find a place as well.
So that was the plan and everything sounded good at that point.
But when reality settled in and I don't know what happened, sometimes people get a bit greedy.
That changed. change. So at the beginning, all of a sudden now it settles in
and Vidhi is getting mad that this is a big life change and things will change.
(04:54):
And you start asking yourself.
Did I really do the right thing? Like the discussion we had,
is that really what I want?
Or, oh, you know what? You start
sitting down and thinking, I deserve much more than what we discussed.
So that's when basically all the emotions surface up as well.
Sadly, that face is usually heavy with blame and started thinking back and things
(05:18):
that the other person did wrong.
And since they did that wrong, I've deserved this and that. and
people start analyzing or sometimes
even overanalyzing the relationship and
the marriage so based on that what happens is you
start discussing more you start sending texts and you start having arguments
and even at some point there might be some abusive behavior that can be triggered
(05:41):
on that anger phase so you don't agree with how you'll share the time with the
kids or how the money will be distributed or anything. So people become angry.
And that's where, I guess, at least on my case, that's where I went to see an
attorney and decided to involve someone to help me out because it sounded too good to be true at first.
(06:05):
And everybody was like, yes, let's do 50-50.
But after all that change and people started getting greedy,
things that apparently didn't really matter before. but now all of a sudden everything matters.
The past 20 years, you might have not cared about the house and really hated the house you lived in.
But once you start going through the proceeding of a divorce and splitting everything,
(06:27):
then the other person might start liking the house and wanted to stay in the
house and not wanting to sell the house.
So it's really a difficult phase.
And really it's an important phase because a lot of decisions will probably
be done around that time.
And you want those decisions not to be made based on emotions,
but more on facts, which is very difficult because, again, it's still very like
(06:50):
an open wound because it just usually just happened not too long ago.
The thing to be really careful is, and people don't realize,
a lot of those decisions will impact people for months, years,
and maybe the rest of their lives.
You don't realize it at that time, but after a while, you see that.
So just to give you some examples, and again, those examples are based on my story.
(07:12):
But like I said, initially, we had sat down, everything looked good.
But at some point, going through that phase, everything changed.
For example, just wanting to keep the kids. We had agreed that we would have the kids going 50-50,
but at some point we were discussing over the phone and my ex-wife was saying
that all of a sudden she wanted 100% of the kids, which didn't make sense.
(07:36):
And you know it at that point, but again, with all the emotions going around
you, you're not always thinking straight.
Another example is the money part, like taking money out of a joint account
and without the other no or emptying bank accounts.
Accounts so during that phase you're like you know
what i will take whatever i can for now and you
just don't think that this might have impact future impact
(07:58):
so for example you might be emptying the
bank account and you don't realize that the mortgage going through and the mortgage
will bounce and you start having bad credit and again those things you don't
think about but it will stick to you for years again after that doing that at
that moment and having everything that That basically bounces.
(08:19):
You don't realize that a couple years after when you want to buy a house or
even apply for some credits for anything.
The decision you made during that time has a huge impact. Also,
like we talk about the communication.
Well, at that point, the communication goes downhill and you don't realize as
well that it's the most important part during those phases to be able to communicate,
(08:41):
to have a successful divorce.
People say communication is key during a relationship, and definitely it is.
But it is also key when you separate, sadly, and when you get a divorce.
And I think that's one of the things that's very difficult to have and becomes
very emotionally charged when you go through the process of getting divorced.
(09:02):
So if the communication shuts down at that point, most probably it will stay
that way and it will impact again the rest of the divorce.
It will impact even after that with the kids, how you communicate about the
kids and even the communication you have with the kids.
It's very hard to go back when communication is shut and you lose kind of confidence
in the other person, either if it's the partner or even the kids.
(09:27):
So really, communication at that point is key and often makes it very difficult if it's not there.
Another thing during that time too is if you start having the kids going back
and forth, or even if it's not the case, but talking bad about the other parent,
that's another example that things happen often during the anger phase.
And to be honest, that can actually last for a long time. So you don't realize
(09:48):
the impact that it has, but But that's where the child alienation starts.
And that's where, depending on the age of the kid, some decision might be made.
And at the end of the day, the kid doesn't want to see one parent.
The kid doesn't want to stay with one parent.
And also all the ideas are put in their head about the other parent that are not true.
So one thing that I always said, and it's true to this day, is eventually the
(10:14):
kids grow up and they'll realize what was said during that time.
And how you reacted during that phase will impact them pretty much the rest
of their childhood and even in adulthood as well.
So the talk about parents and the alienation is a topic by itself.
And I think if you're interested, there's also another episode that posted with
Tracy Posner, who's a divorce coach, a life coach, but the episode was really
(10:38):
focused on children alienation and really a good reference if you want to have a bit more detail.
Another example, we talk about taking out money. What you don't realize is,
again, things like the house, wanting the house or not wanting to sell the house.
That was an issue for me because at that time, there was a lot of expenses coming in and I had to move out.
So I was paying for my apartment. I was also paying the mortgage.
(11:00):
It was very difficult not to be able to agree and to sell the house.
And I really had to go again.
I needed the help of a lawyer to be able to.
Come to an agreement to sell the house. It forced the other party to sell the
house so that we both had 50-50, which again, in my case, wasn't really 50-50.
But I think for me, what mattered at that time was to sell the house to be able
(11:22):
to at least get rid of an extra mortgage payment and also take care of some expenses.
So that's one thing you don't realize as well is when we talk about money,
you don't always think about it.
You'll get money and you think you're taking money from the other person and
you've emptied the bank account and you want to hurt the other person.
But often you don't realize that the other parents need that money to actually
(11:43):
feed the kids and buy the kids things and school and things like that.
So it has a direct impact for the kids.
When you have kids, it doesn't work that way, right?
You have to have money to buy food and you have money to provide for clothes
and school and everything else. And directly, it affects the kids.
And that's what some parents don't really understand.
And I'm saying like, Obviously, this can be both ways, but it's something really
(12:07):
that you don't think about during that phase and all the emotions there and
all you want to do is basically hurt the other person and the other parent.
So now that we talked about that and all the effects and what can happen during
those arguments, how do we cope with the anger phase?
It's always easier said than done, but at the same time, I think the first thing
(12:27):
you have to give yourself a bit of time just to cope with all the stress and
actually sit Sit down and look at the situation and say, okay,
what do we have to do? How do we have to agree?
And maybe to put it on paper and really look at everything you want and not
only what you want, but also the impact that will have on both sides.
(12:48):
And what I'm saying, like, it's again, both sides have to do that as well,
because obviously it happens the other way around as well.
But really sit down and take a step back and just try to get the emotions a
bit on the side. and maybe if it takes some time, maybe a good thing is to tell
the other parents, you know what, I need some time to think about it.
I need a month, I need weeks, I need whatever. And we can maybe sit down and
(13:10):
have a proper discussion and let everything sink in.
But I think the good thing is definitely to down and see what you want,
what you need, and also the impact of what you're requesting, right?
And not only the impact right now, but also the possible impact in the future.
When you look at money, what will happen now? It's fine, I'll get the money
for the house, But down the road, what does that mean?
(13:31):
And how does it affect my children if they're 50% with their dad?
So definitely something to think about. And like I said, this anger phase has
to go. We have to all go through it.
And sometimes you just need a bit of time to tame it down a little bit.
Also, we talked about all the effect and basically what can happen during that
phase, that anger phase and how we react.
But also one of the common questions that you ask yourself during that phase.
(13:56):
Is often how could you do this to me how could you hurt me that way and things
like that obviously it's a human nature and normal question to ask and you know
because of emotion and stuff you always ask this but it's really a question
that's i would say a bit pointless to ask because usually,
the answer you would get if ever even you get an answer is not the answer you
(14:17):
want and sometimes it's hard to explain and a lot of times you don't get that
answer at that point and i know some Some people want to know why and want to know the why.
And I spoke to a few dads about that. And it was the mom that came and asked
for divorce and everything was going well.
And he was really struggling why she did that and why she said that.
(14:39):
So that time, it may be a good opportunity to sit down and think back a little
bit at the relationship and what happened.
But it's very hard, like I said, when it's one-sided to sometimes realize why it happened.
And sometimes it happened for reasons that are out of your control.
So you're not always getting an answer but i think the right questions to be asked would be instead.
What do they have to gain by doing this people do often they act for a reason
(15:04):
so what do they gain by doing this they want a better relationship they want
more pleasure they want more freedom,
or they want something more of course when you move forward that way i think
that's the question to think about, to see what really, what do they gain by doing this?
Often people would think that this is a very selfish act to get a divorce and
(15:26):
to move along. And of course, usually it's initiated by one person.
And again, when that happens and you have no, the other parent has no idea,
you might find it a bit selfish that you don't think about the kids and you
just think about yourself.
But at the same time, you're in a relationship, you're in a marriage for a reason,
and you married the other person for a reason and when that reason is not enough
(15:50):
or not valid anymore or whatever,
something is broken, it's normal to want to move forward.
It's not always easy. And it's a hard discussion to make, especially when you
have kids, even without kids, but especially when you have kids.
Because at that point, you don't just have to think about yourself and your
spouse, but you have to think obviously about the kids.
(16:12):
So definitely a harder decision to do. I think what I was saying before about
what does the other person have to gain by doing this and And what do they want by having a divorce?
Sometimes basically just knowing that or just at least having that a bit clear
in your head, it would make the hanger a bit less.
It won't hurt less, but at least understanding might release a bit of the hanger
(16:34):
that was built up inside you.
So all that said, at the end of the day, your power really comes from choosing
how you respond to what just happened.
And there's always bad moments in life. and there's no exception with divorce.
And it's not easy to do. It's really how you learn to respond to this that will
(16:58):
make a difference in how you will be able to manage going through the divorce.
So a lot of people will sit down at some point and look at the positive side,
even though again, it's very difficult at that phase, but look at the positive
side and saying, what does it bring me? Like.
Those changes, what are the good things that will come out of it?
And there are good changes that will come out of that.
(17:19):
And maybe you won't realize it right away, but definitely will.
And it's just time. It just takes time, sadly.
And you realize after a while that not always, but maybe it was for the best.
So in conclusion as well, like I said before, sometimes you want to know the
why. And just to have some closure on the relationship, on the divorce.
(17:40):
And sometimes people just want to know. And so that's the part that's very difficult.
As much as it would be nice to always know what happened and the why and all
the explanations, a lot of times you don't and you won't have all the explanation.
You won't have all the facts. You won't have everything. And a lot of questions
will be unanswered. So you just have to look at that and just try to move on.
(18:02):
And like I said before, instead of looking at what's missing,
look forward and say, you know what, let's move on.
Let's look ahead and let's try to make the best out of it with the kids.
And just to have a good life.
It's not easy, but ultimately that's what counts is to be able to surmount that and be happy at the end.
So that's already it for this episode. And I'm really happy to have you all
(18:26):
here with me. And hopefully you enjoyed that episode.
As always, if you have any questions or if you want to reach out, please don't hesitate.
You can reach me at my email address, thedivorcedatdiariesatgmail.com or you
can go on my website, www.thedivorce.diaries.com.
Everything is in there.
(18:46):
You can also reach out to me, follow me on Twitter, Instagram actually,
which I'm pretty much the most active there, Facebook.
Just look for TheDivorce.Diaries. You should be able to find me there.
But if there's anything, please don't hesitate to reach out.
And that's it. I hope you all have a great, great week. And I will talk to you soon. Bye-bye.
(19:10):
Bye.
Music.
Music.
(00:06):
Hello, everyone, and welcome to The Divorced Dad Diaries. I'm your host, Stéphane Jutras.
Welcome back, everyone, to a new episode. And I hope everyone's doing well and
hope everyone is still following and with me.
I know it's been a little while. It's been actually, I would say, a couple months.
(00:30):
As always, there's no excuse. And all I can say, it's not because I'm done with
the podcast or I'm not enjoying it or I decided to stop it.
Just a little break that happened during that period. It was the end of the
year, beginning of the summer.
And as always, too many projects, too many things going on.
And I always have the best intentions of posting an episode.
(00:54):
But as you guys probably know, you actually look at your calendar and next thing
it's like start counting the months.
And wow, it's been like months since the last episode.
That said, I am back and i will
definitely try to post more often this time always a
promise i make and i'm glad that you guys are sticking with
me even though sometimes i don't always keep that promise but what i can say
(01:18):
is there's a lot of topics still that have on my list that i'd love to talk
about with you all and i really hope that you stick with me and again keep downloading
the episodes and going back to the old one as well.
I know I talked at some point about basically revisiting the Divorce.Diary website.
(01:38):
And the first step happened, you probably didn't see it, but I actually moved
out from my older provider to a
new one, which should be a bit better and faster for the website to load.
And now the step two is actually I started to look at redesigning the website
and make it a bit more user-friendly.
And also i wanted it to be
(01:58):
used as a tool so i know all my episodes there's
a lot of information posted in there but it might be a bit difficult sometimes
if you're interested in one particular topic at
this point look at the episodes and look at the titles and a bit of the description
it's a bit more difficult to find so really my goal is to redesign a new website
i have more sections there that you guys will be able to actually go on those
(02:21):
sections and consult all the different episodes and also be able to search through them.
For example, if you're interested in the children alienation,
you could go and there'll be a section under that.
So I'm trying to set that up so that it becomes a reference where everyone can
go actually listen to the episode, but on top of that, do a bit of research
and just maybe get the information that they need.
(02:44):
Also, I have a lot of links, a lot of things that I talk about on the podcast that I want to put there.
So really, my goal is to revisit and redesign the website in the next month.
And post a new one that hopefully you'll all enjoy.
So this week, as you probably know, and you've heard, I was doing kind of the five stages of divorce.
(03:06):
And the last episode, I talked about the denial stage.
So this week, what I'll talk about is the anger stage. So the next stage after denial.
And it usually happens once you're basically out of denial and you actually
realize that, yes, the divorce is going. It's definitely a major life change.
(03:27):
At that point, after the denial phase, you might start getting angry because
you realize, you know what, it is happening.
And now that I've gone through it, looking back, it's much easier to identify that.
At the denial stage, you're not sure if the divorce will happen.
And you say, we'll try to fix things.
And oh, it's just temporary. And I'm sure we can manage.
(03:47):
But once it settles in, and for example, in my case, At one point, the decision was made.
The papers were served to my ex-wife and the reality started settling in.
So anything you talked about before is really up in the air, I would say.
At least for me, it was. Because for all of you that know my story,
(04:08):
we had sat down when we decided to get separated.
We had sat down and discussed about how we saw it and how we wanted to deal with it.
It was a sad time, but it was very friendly. We sat down and discussed about,
so what do we do? What do we plan on doing with the kids?
And both agrees, okay, we'll be 50-50.
And yeah, I'll find a place and we'll sell the house. And eventually,
(04:31):
I guess my ex-wife will find a place as well.
So that was the plan and everything sounded good at that point.
But when reality settled in and I don't know what happened, sometimes people get a bit greedy.
That changed. change. So at the beginning, all of a sudden now it settles in
and Vidhi is getting mad that this is a big life change and things will change.
(04:54):
And you start asking yourself.
Did I really do the right thing? Like the discussion we had,
is that really what I want?
Or, oh, you know what? You start
sitting down and thinking, I deserve much more than what we discussed.
So that's when basically all the emotions surface up as well.
Sadly, that face is usually heavy with blame and started thinking back and things
(05:18):
that the other person did wrong.
And since they did that wrong, I've deserved this and that. and
people start analyzing or sometimes
even overanalyzing the relationship and
the marriage so based on that what happens is you
start discussing more you start sending texts and you start having arguments
and even at some point there might be some abusive behavior that can be triggered
(05:41):
on that anger phase so you don't agree with how you'll share the time with the
kids or how the money will be distributed or anything. So people become angry.
And that's where, I guess, at least on my case, that's where I went to see an
attorney and decided to involve someone to help me out because it sounded too good to be true at first.
(06:05):
And everybody was like, yes, let's do 50-50.
But after all that change and people started getting greedy,
things that apparently didn't really matter before. but now all of a sudden everything matters.
The past 20 years, you might have not cared about the house and really hated the house you lived in.
But once you start going through the proceeding of a divorce and splitting everything,
(06:27):
then the other person might start liking the house and wanted to stay in the
house and not wanting to sell the house.
So it's really a difficult phase.
And really it's an important phase because a lot of decisions will probably
be done around that time.
And you want those decisions not to be made based on emotions,
but more on facts, which is very difficult because, again, it's still very like
(06:50):
an open wound because it just usually just happened not too long ago.
The thing to be really careful is, and people don't realize,
a lot of those decisions will impact people for months, years,
and maybe the rest of their lives.
You don't realize it at that time, but after a while, you see that.
So just to give you some examples, and again, those examples are based on my story.
(07:12):
But like I said, initially, we had sat down, everything looked good.
But at some point, going through that phase, everything changed.
For example, just wanting to keep the kids. We had agreed that we would have the kids going 50-50,
but at some point we were discussing over the phone and my ex-wife was saying
that all of a sudden she wanted 100% of the kids, which didn't make sense.
(07:36):
And you know it at that point, but again, with all the emotions going around
you, you're not always thinking straight.
Another example is the money part, like taking money out of a joint account
and without the other no or emptying bank accounts.
Accounts so during that phase you're like you know
what i will take whatever i can for now and you
just don't think that this might have impact future impact
(07:58):
so for example you might be emptying the
bank account and you don't realize that the mortgage going through and the mortgage
will bounce and you start having bad credit and again those things you don't
think about but it will stick to you for years again after that doing that at
that moment and having everything that That basically bounces.
(08:19):
You don't realize that a couple years after when you want to buy a house or
even apply for some credits for anything.
The decision you made during that time has a huge impact. Also,
like we talk about the communication.
Well, at that point, the communication goes downhill and you don't realize as
well that it's the most important part during those phases to be able to communicate,
(08:41):
to have a successful divorce.
People say communication is key during a relationship, and definitely it is.
But it is also key when you separate, sadly, and when you get a divorce.
And I think that's one of the things that's very difficult to have and becomes
very emotionally charged when you go through the process of getting divorced.
(09:02):
So if the communication shuts down at that point, most probably it will stay
that way and it will impact again the rest of the divorce.
It will impact even after that with the kids, how you communicate about the
kids and even the communication you have with the kids.
It's very hard to go back when communication is shut and you lose kind of confidence
in the other person, either if it's the partner or even the kids.
(09:27):
So really, communication at that point is key and often makes it very difficult if it's not there.
Another thing during that time too is if you start having the kids going back
and forth, or even if it's not the case, but talking bad about the other parent,
that's another example that things happen often during the anger phase.
And to be honest, that can actually last for a long time. So you don't realize
(09:48):
the impact that it has, but But that's where the child alienation starts.
And that's where, depending on the age of the kid, some decision might be made.
And at the end of the day, the kid doesn't want to see one parent.
The kid doesn't want to stay with one parent.
And also all the ideas are put in their head about the other parent that are not true.
So one thing that I always said, and it's true to this day, is eventually the
(10:14):
kids grow up and they'll realize what was said during that time.
And how you reacted during that phase will impact them pretty much the rest
of their childhood and even in adulthood as well.
So the talk about parents and the alienation is a topic by itself.
And I think if you're interested, there's also another episode that posted with
Tracy Posner, who's a divorce coach, a life coach, but the episode was really
(10:38):
focused on children alienation and really a good reference if you want to have a bit more detail.
Another example, we talk about taking out money. What you don't realize is,
again, things like the house, wanting the house or not wanting to sell the house.
That was an issue for me because at that time, there was a lot of expenses coming in and I had to move out.
So I was paying for my apartment. I was also paying the mortgage.
(11:00):
It was very difficult not to be able to agree and to sell the house.
And I really had to go again.
I needed the help of a lawyer to be able to.
Come to an agreement to sell the house. It forced the other party to sell the
house so that we both had 50-50, which again, in my case, wasn't really 50-50.
But I think for me, what mattered at that time was to sell the house to be able
(11:22):
to at least get rid of an extra mortgage payment and also take care of some expenses.
So that's one thing you don't realize as well is when we talk about money,
you don't always think about it.
You'll get money and you think you're taking money from the other person and
you've emptied the bank account and you want to hurt the other person.
But often you don't realize that the other parents need that money to actually
(11:43):
feed the kids and buy the kids things and school and things like that.
So it has a direct impact for the kids.
When you have kids, it doesn't work that way, right?
You have to have money to buy food and you have money to provide for clothes
and school and everything else. And directly, it affects the kids.
And that's what some parents don't really understand.
And I'm saying like, Obviously, this can be both ways, but it's something really
(12:07):
that you don't think about during that phase and all the emotions there and
all you want to do is basically hurt the other person and the other parent.
So now that we talked about that and all the effects and what can happen during
those arguments, how do we cope with the anger phase?
It's always easier said than done, but at the same time, I think the first thing
(12:27):
you have to give yourself a bit of time just to cope with all the stress and
actually sit Sit down and look at the situation and say, okay,
what do we have to do? How do we have to agree?
And maybe to put it on paper and really look at everything you want and not
only what you want, but also the impact that will have on both sides.
(12:48):
And what I'm saying, like, it's again, both sides have to do that as well,
because obviously it happens the other way around as well.
But really sit down and take a step back and just try to get the emotions a
bit on the side. and maybe if it takes some time, maybe a good thing is to tell
the other parents, you know what, I need some time to think about it.
I need a month, I need weeks, I need whatever. And we can maybe sit down and
(13:10):
have a proper discussion and let everything sink in.
But I think the good thing is definitely to down and see what you want,
what you need, and also the impact of what you're requesting, right?
And not only the impact right now, but also the possible impact in the future.
When you look at money, what will happen now? It's fine, I'll get the money
for the house, But down the road, what does that mean?
(13:31):
And how does it affect my children if they're 50% with their dad?
So definitely something to think about. And like I said, this anger phase has
to go. We have to all go through it.
And sometimes you just need a bit of time to tame it down a little bit.
Also, we talked about all the effect and basically what can happen during that
phase, that anger phase and how we react.
But also one of the common questions that you ask yourself during that phase.
(13:56):
Is often how could you do this to me how could you hurt me that way and things
like that obviously it's a human nature and normal question to ask and you know
because of emotion and stuff you always ask this but it's really a question
that's i would say a bit pointless to ask because usually,
the answer you would get if ever even you get an answer is not the answer you
(14:17):
want and sometimes it's hard to explain and a lot of times you don't get that
answer at that point and i know some Some people want to know why and want to know the why.
And I spoke to a few dads about that. And it was the mom that came and asked
for divorce and everything was going well.
And he was really struggling why she did that and why she said that.
(14:39):
So that time, it may be a good opportunity to sit down and think back a little
bit at the relationship and what happened.
But it's very hard, like I said, when it's one-sided to sometimes realize why it happened.
And sometimes it happened for reasons that are out of your control.
So you're not always getting an answer but i think the right questions to be asked would be instead.
What do they have to gain by doing this people do often they act for a reason
(15:04):
so what do they gain by doing this they want a better relationship they want
more pleasure they want more freedom,
or they want something more of course when you move forward that way i think
that's the question to think about, to see what really, what do they gain by doing this?
Often people would think that this is a very selfish act to get a divorce and
(15:26):
to move along. And of course, usually it's initiated by one person.
And again, when that happens and you have no, the other parent has no idea,
you might find it a bit selfish that you don't think about the kids and you
just think about yourself.
But at the same time, you're in a relationship, you're in a marriage for a reason,
and you married the other person for a reason and when that reason is not enough
(15:50):
or not valid anymore or whatever,
something is broken, it's normal to want to move forward.
It's not always easy. And it's a hard discussion to make, especially when you
have kids, even without kids, but especially when you have kids.
Because at that point, you don't just have to think about yourself and your
spouse, but you have to think obviously about the kids.
(16:12):
So definitely a harder decision to do. I think what I was saying before about
what does the other person have to gain by doing this and And what do they want by having a divorce?
Sometimes basically just knowing that or just at least having that a bit clear
in your head, it would make the hanger a bit less.
It won't hurt less, but at least understanding might release a bit of the hanger
(16:34):
that was built up inside you.
So all that said, at the end of the day, your power really comes from choosing
how you respond to what just happened.
And there's always bad moments in life. and there's no exception with divorce.
And it's not easy to do. It's really how you learn to respond to this that will
(16:58):
make a difference in how you will be able to manage going through the divorce.
So a lot of people will sit down at some point and look at the positive side,
even though again, it's very difficult at that phase, but look at the positive
side and saying, what does it bring me? Like.
Those changes, what are the good things that will come out of it?
And there are good changes that will come out of that.
(17:19):
And maybe you won't realize it right away, but definitely will.
And it's just time. It just takes time, sadly.
And you realize after a while that not always, but maybe it was for the best.
So in conclusion as well, like I said before, sometimes you want to know the
why. And just to have some closure on the relationship, on the divorce.
(17:40):
And sometimes people just want to know. And so that's the part that's very difficult.
As much as it would be nice to always know what happened and the why and all
the explanations, a lot of times you don't and you won't have all the explanation.
You won't have all the facts. You won't have everything. And a lot of questions
will be unanswered. So you just have to look at that and just try to move on.
(18:02):
And like I said before, instead of looking at what's missing,
look forward and say, you know what, let's move on.
Let's look ahead and let's try to make the best out of it with the kids.
And just to have a good life.
It's not easy, but ultimately that's what counts is to be able to surmount that and be happy at the end.
So that's already it for this episode. And I'm really happy to have you all
(18:26):
here with me. And hopefully you enjoyed that episode.
As always, if you have any questions or if you want to reach out, please don't hesitate.
You can reach me at my email address, thedivorcedatdiariesatgmail.com or you
can go on my website, www.thedivorce.diaries.com.
Everything is in there.
(18:46):
You can also reach out to me, follow me on Twitter, Instagram actually,
which I'm pretty much the most active there, Facebook.
Just look for TheDivorce.Diaries. You should be able to find me there.
But if there's anything, please don't hesitate to reach out.
And that's it. I hope you all have a great, great week. And I will talk to you soon. Bye-bye.
(19:10):
Bye.
Music.
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