February 17, 2025 • 53 mins
This episode addresses the pressing concerns of divorced fathers regarding their children's safety in the wake of a mother’s new romantic partner. It explores the psychological and biological underpinnings that explain why women often move on quickly after divorce and the increased risks associated with introducing a non-biological male figure into the home.
• Insights on hypergamy and post-divorce relationship dynamics
• The unique challenges men face in emotional recovery after a divorce
• Alarming statistics about child abuse risks with new partners
• Understanding the "Cinderella effect" in stepfamily dynamics
• Importance of open communication with children
• Strategies for staying involved in children's lives
• Educating children about boundaries and safety
• Monitoring new partners and understanding red flags
• Legal options for protecting children against threats
• The value of fostering a cooperative co-parenting relationship
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello and welcome to the show.
I am thrilled for you to behere this week and we're going
to be talking about protectingyour children from the new
boyfriend.
Now, hopefully, most of you andthis is statistically true,
most of you are not going tohave to worry about protecting,
(00:22):
but there seems to be quite abit of conversation around this
in the community, so I wanted toaddress it.
I have been reticent to addressthis because I've had some
difficult and challengingexperiences in my life with this
and I didn't feel that I couldbe completely neutral and
(00:47):
positive in addressing this.
I don't know that I still can,but I really think that it is a
topic that needs to be discussedand that you need to be aware
of.
So we're going to jump intothis, reticent or not, but
before we do, let's welcomeDerek, matthew and Will to the
Divorced Advocate community.
(01:09):
If you are not part of it, andyou're not part of these
conversations that we're havingon Signal or in the group
meetings, etc.
Then get tothedivorcedadvocatecom and check
out the resources that we have.
You do not have to go throughthis process and this challenge
all by yourself.
There's a community of men thatis here, with the Divorced
(01:31):
Advocate community that is hereto support you wherever you're
at in this process.
So check it out atthedivorcedadvocatecom.
So I don't have to tell youthat the complexities of
co-parenting after divorce arechallenging, and it becomes even
more challenging when yourex-partner introduces a new
(01:52):
boyfriend into your child'slives.
And, as a father, yourparamount concern, our paramount
concern, is the safety andwell-being of our children, is
the safety and well-being of ourchildren, and so what I'm going
to talk about today is justsome insights into understanding
potential risk and proactivemeasures to protect your
children.
(02:13):
And now you know.
You might think well, I've gotthis written into our parenting
agreement, into our divorcedecree, that we can't introduce
anybody for X amount of time.
Hopefully you have done thatand that's great, and hopefully
you're both thinking about thosethings and that you're both
(02:34):
communicating about what'shappening with that, introducing
people, et cetera.
That is a healthy way in whichto approach this, and if both
people are healthy and have thechildren's best interest in mind
, they are doing those thingsand being conscientious and
communicating and beingrespectful with each other about
that.
(02:55):
Unfortunately, that is notalways the case.
And you also might think that,well, I've got it written into
the divorce decree, so she's gotto do it.
Well, I've got to tell you thatthey don't have to do anything.
That you are, it is incumbentupon you to have to enforce that
decree, and I can tell you, ifyou take them to court over
(03:17):
something like non-introductionof new romantic partners over
six months, the judges andmagistrates are likely not to
give a crap and are going to beless than excited to help you in
this situation.
So that's why it's even moreimportant for you to know and
(03:38):
understand potentially what thepotential risks are and what
protective measures you can taketo watch out for your kiddos.
So I'm going to approach thisfirst in talking about and
understanding the dynamics inwhy women may find new partners
(04:00):
more quickly.
I get this all the time inprivate session and in group
meetings that I can't believethat she's already moved on,
that she's got a boyfriend, thatshe's looking or that she's
dating, etc.
And after divorce, women oftenenter new relationships much
more quickly than men, and thereare multiple psychological,
(04:21):
social and biological factorsthat contribute to this trend.
So let's talk about a few ofthem.
I know that it helped me toknow and understand a little bit
about this that it might havenothing to do with you and it
might have nothing to do withyour relationship with her.
So the first is somethingthat's called hypergamy and
(04:45):
relationship selection.
Hypergamy is the tendency toseek a partner of equal or
higher status in terms of social, financial or emotional
stability, and, in the contextof post-divorce dating, women
often prioritize financialsecurity, stability and
emotional support, which candrive them to actively seek new
(05:09):
relationships, and studiessuggest that women, especially
those with children, may prefera partner who can provide
additional resources andsecurity.
So, basically, what this is isit's really a feature built into
women over millennia that hashelped them to continue the
(05:31):
species by finding somebody thatcan help to provide for them
and to protect them.
So think about it hundreds orthousands of years ago, when
women would get pregnant ortaking care of children, they
would be very vulnerable, and sothat's when they would have to
(05:51):
make sure that they were able tosurvive and thrive with their
environments and with theirchildren, in order to just
simply stay alive.
So they may have moved onquickly with men that had gone
to war or died of sickness, orwhatever it may have been.
So that's what hypergamy is,and so here's the thing is the
(06:14):
millennia of our DNA and howthings are in us just doesn't go
away all of a sudden now thatwe're in 2025 and we have an
expanded consciousness arounddifferent things.
Some of this stuff is justbiologically inherent and
hypergamy is one of those thingsand you can think about this
(06:35):
and also the context of datingand in your relationships also,
and that's a whole differentpodcast.
That's a dating podcast.
But understanding this innatenature, the hypergamous nature
of women to be continuallylooking for that, even when in
relationship, and understandinghow you can handle that in order
(07:00):
to keep your relationshipstrong and thrive with it, in
order to keep your relationshipstrong and thrive with it so
that's another one, but that isthe basic concept around
hypergamy and how that's builtinto the DNA.
The second is the role of socialnetworks.
We're talking about thedynamics and why women find new
(07:21):
partners more quickly.
Women generally also maintainstronger social support networks
than men, which facilitates aquicker re-entry into the dating
scene.
They have female friends andfamily members who will provide
emotional encouragement and evenintroductions to potential
partners.
(07:41):
In contrast to that is us guyswho tend to rely on our spouse
for our emotional support thatwe once we got into the family
unit and after divorce we mayexperience isolation, making it
more challenging to find newrelationships quickly.
I've done a podcast about thiswhere all of my friends this is
(08:02):
just a natural progression ofthe divorce and your divorce
process that we just don't havethose strong or as strong social
support networks as women do.
Again, it's a natural featureof women.
It helped them for millennia tobe able to do that in tribes,
(08:27):
et cetera, to be able to createthose social support networks to
raise children, to take care ofthe families, et cetera.
So that is also one of thereasons is the social support
networks.
The third one is the biologicaland psychological differences
networks.
The third one is the biologicaland psychological differences.
(08:47):
Evolutionary psychologysuggests that women have
historically sought stablepartnerships to ensure the
well-being of their offspring.
So I just mentioned this, evenin modern society.
But even in modern society,this instinct may manifest as a
tendency to pursue relationshipssooner after a breakup.
To pursue relationships soonerafter a breakup.
Additionally, researchindicates that men often take
(09:11):
longer to recover emotionallyfrom a divorce, as they may
process grief differently and beless likely to seek support.
So part of that that I didn'taddress is the support-seeking
process through this, which iscritical.
We talk about grief a lot whenwe're in group meetings, but how
we process that grief it's nota linear process and how men do
(09:33):
it is very different than howwomen do it, so that also is one
of the reasons why they mayfind partners more quickly.
Another one is the difference incustody and dating dynamics.
In many divorce cases, womenreceive primary custody of the
children, and while thisresponsibility might seem like
(09:55):
it would limit datingopportunities, it can actually
serve as a motivator for womento find a partner.
Moreover, men with primarycustody may find themselves less
motivated to date immediately,as they often focus on
reestablishing their ownstability before seeking a new
(10:15):
relationship.
Again, just those inherentdifferences in how we operate
biologically.
The next is the online datingdisparity, and I'm not going to
get into online dating and whata circus that is, but the modern
dating landscape, particularlyonline, favors women.
Studies have shown that womenreceive significantly more
(10:38):
attention on dating apps thanmen, making it much easier for
them to connect with potentialpartners quickly.
This increased access canaccelerate the process of
forming new relationships and,since a majority of the dating
now is done online, that isanother reason why they're able
to find new partners morequickly or seek to the last one
(11:00):
is emotional versus physicalrecovery.
Women are often more emotionallyprepared to leave a marriage
before it officially ends.
Many women emotionally detachfrom their partner long before
the divorce is finalized,allowing them to move on more
quickly.
Because more than 70% ofdivorces are initiated by women,
(11:22):
typically they have alreadystarted this process mentally
and emotionally to plan for.
Again, it's that hypergamousnature of planning for and
moving forward, and that's whywhen we get men in meetings,
they're devastated and they'llsay things like I can't believe
(11:44):
it, or I didn't see this coming,or I didn't know, or how can
she be dating All of this stuffand so which also leaves you a
little bit behind the eight ballin the whole divorce process,
because while this person mightbe months or even years ahead
mentally, emotionally, in thisprocess, you're just starting it
(12:07):
.
So you have to go through allof that in addition to going
through this whole process,which is difficult and
challenging for us guys, becausewe like to know that we have a
plan and a linear process and ifwe're just blindsided, then we
don't have that, which makes itinfinitely more difficult.
(12:40):
So men, like I just said, on theother hand, may experience a
delayed emotional reaction andfind it harder to engage in new
relationships immediately, whichis not a bad thing, guys, the
last thing you need and I'mspeaking from mistakes here
myself is a new relationship inthe middle of working through
all of this stuff.
So that is, in some regards, ared flag, I would say, if your
ex is starting to do thatalready, just know and
(13:00):
understand much of it ispotentially not even at the
conscious level of where itshould be if somebody is
stopping taking the time toreally address what's going on
in their lives, what's going onwith them mentally, emotionally,
spiritually, etc.
And is jumping into a newrelationship.
(13:20):
So that's why you do need to beprepared to know what the risks
are, which we're going to talkabout next, and then what the
proactive measures of what youcan do.
So let's jump into the risk.
And now I'm not bringing thisstuff up to scare you, but it
should give you cautious pauseand make you pay attention to
(13:46):
what's going on.
And while you can't do anythingto control any situations now
outside of your own environmentand your time with your children
, you need to be aware of allthe potential risks here.
(14:06):
All the potential risks here,and one of the most concerning
realities is the heightened riskof child abuse when a new
boyfriend or stepfather entersthe picture, and research
consistently shows that childrenliving with a non-biological
male figure, particularly amother's boyfriend, face
significantly increased risk ofphysical and sexual abuse.
Understanding these statisticsis critical for fathers who want
(14:26):
to protect their children,which I know all of you who are
listening do so.
The stepfather and boyfriendeffect.
The research shows thatchildren living with a mother
and her boyfriend are at thehighest risk of abuse and
neglect.
One study that found childrenin this arrangement showed that
they are 11 times more likely tosuffer physical, sexual and
(14:49):
emotional abuse than thoseliving with both biological
parents.
That's from a study from Dalyand Watson in 1998.
A report from theAdministration for Children and
Families, acf, found thatboyfriends and stepfathers were
responsible for adisproportionately high number
(15:10):
of child maltreatment cases,accounting for 10% of all child
abuse cases that involved maleperpetrators and they were
committed by the mother'sboyfriend, and 8% of cases
involved stepfathers.
Biological fathers, bycomparison, were far less likely
to abuse their own children.
(15:34):
Number two is an increased riskof fatal child abuse.
Perhaps the most alarmingstatistic is the risk of child
homicide when a non-biologicalmale is present in the home, and
this is critical for those ofyou with very young kids.
Children under five years oldare at 50 times greater risk of
(15:59):
being killed by a mother'sboyfriend than by their
biological father.
That's from another Daly andWilson study in 1994.
Biological fathers arestatistically the least likely
group to fatally harm their ownchildren, whereas stepfathers
and boyfriends are far morecommonly involved in fatal child
(16:20):
abuse cases.
You do not hear this with thiswhole single motherhood as a
superhero and as my what do theycall it?
My super ability, right, withthis whole mentality.
(16:43):
So I'm going to read that toyou again, because it's not the
fathers and I know a lot of youwho are listening as I was get
wrongfully and falsely accusedof abuse, and it is a ploy from
somebody who's mentally andemotionally unstable.
But biological fathers arestatistically the least likely
group to fatally harm their ownchildren, whereas stepfathers
(17:06):
and boyfriends are far morecommonly involved in fatal child
abuse cases.
Now, if you're going throughthat, I am sorry, it is terrible
and is brutal, but you've gotto fight tooth and nail and do
everything and whatever you canagainst false allegations like
that, because it is anindication again, another red
(17:28):
flag of somebody who is mentallyand emotionally unstable that
is perpetrating this stuff onyou.
So we don't hear this statisticat all.
We don't hear it about thesingle mother, superpowers, et
cetera.
This is important for you toknow.
(17:49):
Okay, the next one, number threethe Cinderella effect.
Why stepchildren are at higherrisk.
Why stepchildren are at higherrisk?
Evolutionary psychology offersan explanation for this, and
that is an explanation as to whystepchildren are more likely to
(18:11):
suffer abuse at the hands of amother's new partner.
The Cinderella effect refers tothe tendency for non-biological
parents and just think of thestory of Cinderella
Non-biological parents, and justthink of the story of
Cinderella Non-biologicalparents, particularly
stepfathers and Cinderella was astepmother right To invest less
in and be more likely tomistreat stepchildren compared
to their own biologicaloffspring.
(18:32):
And the reasons behind thisinclude one a lack of genetic
investment.
Behind this include one a lackof genetic investment.
A non-biological male has noevolutionary incentive to
protect and nurture a child thatis not his own.
Again, this might not registerat a conscious level, but this
is again something in our DNAthat manifests potentially and
(18:57):
usually unconsciously.
Another one is resentment andstress.
Some men may see theirpartner's children as obstacles
to their relationship anddevelop resentment toward them.
We see this oftentimes inmovies, right Less?
Emotional bonding is anotherone.
Since a boyfriend or stepfatherhas not built an emotional
(19:18):
connection with the child frombirth, their attachment and
patient levels may be lower.
So those are the reasons behindthat Cinderella effect.
Number four the role of singlemotherhood and serial
relationships.
Again, we're talking about therisks of child abuse and new
(19:42):
partners.
So this is number four the roleof single motherhood in serial
relationships.
Studies also highlight thatchildren in homes where a mother
cycles through multiplerelationships face the highest
levels of instability and risk.
When a mother introducesmultiple male figures into her
child's life, over time thechild may experience chronic
(20:06):
instability which can lead toemotional distress, anxiety and
an increased vulnerability toabuse.
The risk of abuse increaseswith each new male figure
brought into the home.
Risk of abuse increases witheach new male figure brought
into the home, as some may enterthe relationship with predatory
intentions towards vulnerablechildren.
And there is no doubt thatduring a divorce, our children
(20:30):
are vulnerable.
They are going through adifficult and challenging time
just as we are All the mental,emotional issues, everything
that's going on in our minds.
Our kids are having a similarexperience in their own lives,
in their own environments, intheir own ways.
So don't and while they areresilient and you'll always hear
(20:52):
me say how resilient they areand they will come through it
don't discount the fact thatthey're at a vulnerable point
during a divorce and justpost-divorce.
Okay, now there's one otherthing that I want to talk about.
So those were four, but there'sone other that is a big one
that I see that is becoming moreand more prevalent in this.
(21:19):
I'm not going to get into thesocietal things.
It is called white knighting.
So white knighting refers to abehavior where a man feels
compelled to defend, protect orrescue women, often in a way
okay.
So there's nothing wrong withdefending, protecting or
rescuing women, right?
But this is in a way that it'sexcessive, unsolicited or even
(21:46):
detrimental to the situation.
And while at first glance itmight seem like chivalry or
noble behavior, white knightingoften stems from deeper
psychological and emotionalissues that can make these men
manipulative, controlling oreven dangerous in relationships.
Manipulative, controlling oreven dangerous in relationships,
particularly when they enter ahousehold with children from a
(22:06):
previous relationship.
So let's describe this in thecontext of what it looks like in
divorce, a white knight istypically a man who intervenes
into your ex's life often inonline debates, relationships,
personal conflicts out of apersonal perceived moral
obligation to quote-unquote saveher.
(22:27):
This manifests in unwarranteddefenses of a woman's actions,
even when she's in the wrong.
A savior complex where hebelieves it's his job to protect
women from harm real orimagined.
Hyper-aggressive behaviortowards other men, viewing them
as threats or quote villains.
(22:48):
A desire for validation, wherethe knight expects gratitude or
romantic affection in return forhis effort.
This will manifest sometimeswhere they're bad-mouthing you
or the father or the situation,et cetera, in order to make
(23:08):
themselves feel better andtrying to make themselves look
better.
Number two why do some menexhibit white knight behavior?
White knighting is not justabout being polite or protective
, which is a masculine trait,but it stems from deep-seated
emotional and psychologicalissues that make these men
(23:31):
vulnerable to unhealthyrelationship dynamics.
First is low self-esteem.
Many white knights have a poorself-image and believe that
their worth is determined by howmuch they can quote, rescue or
quote support a woman.
Another is unresolved motherissues.
Some men who are raised byoverbearing or emotionally
manipulative mothers develop aneed to seek approval from women
(23:53):
at any cost.
Another is fear of rejection.
Instead of approachingrelationships with confidence,
white knights try to earnaffection by being excessively
helpful or self-sacrificing, notonly with your ex, but with
your children as well.
That's a red flag to look forOvercompensation for past
(24:13):
failures.
Some men who have failed inrelationships or have been
labeled as quote too nice, takeon a white knight persona to
differentiate themselves fromquote unquote bad men.
And, lastly, ideologicalconditioning.
In some cases, men have beensocially conditioned and we're
seeing this a lot right now andthis is why there's such a
prevalence of it to believe thatall women are victims and all
(24:37):
men except them are aggressors.
So let's talk now about whenwhite knighting becomes
dangerous.
So I know this is getting longand we're going to get into
protective measures.
Bear with me here.
This is going to be a longerpodcast because we need to get
(24:58):
into this.
And just know I'm going to postthis as a blog post at the
Divorced Advocate this weekbecause I think this information
is critical for you to have.
You can go back, you can lookat the show notes here and print
those off, but you can also goto the blog post at
TheDivorcedAdvocatecom.
So when white knighting becomesdangerous, while some white
(25:20):
knight behavior may seemharmless, it can quickly turn
toxic, especially in situationswhere a man enters a
relationship with a singlemother and starts assuming
control over her children.
That would look likeoverstepping boundaries.
White knights may try to assertdominance over a woman's
(25:40):
children, seeing themselves asthe new quote unquote protector
of the household.
This can create conflict withthe biological father and
absolutely confuses the children.
Another is aggression towardsthe biological father.
Some white knights seeex-husbands or fathers as
threats, leading to unnecessaryhostility, legal battles or even
(26:03):
false accusations.
Another is manipulativebehavior.
Because white knights believethey are quote-unquote owed
something for their loyalty andprotection.
They can becomepassive-aggressive, controlling
or abusive if they don't get thegratitude or affection they
expect.
It's basically rooted incodependency, is what it comes
(26:25):
down to, but it manifests inrelationships as white knighting
, because a lot of this stuffyou hear the passive, aggressive
, the controlling, the abusive,the need for gratitude and
affection, et cetera.
That's all.
Those are all symptoms ofcodependency.
The last one masking insecuritywith overcompensation.
(26:45):
Many white knights are actuallyemotionally fragile and may
lash out if their authority orquote unquote protector role is
questioned.
Okay, number four the whiteknight's role in stepchild abuse
.
So pay close attention to thisone.
Well, not all white knights aredangerous and I would say that
(27:06):
the majority of them are not.
The majority of them arementally, emotionally screwed up
.
They are probably codependent,like I said, but there are
psychopaths out there and thereare some that have some
significant mental, emotionalproblems.
So a disturbing number of childabuse cases involve men who
enter relationships with singlemothers and develop unhealthy,
(27:28):
controlling and then evenviolent relationships with their
stepchildren, and studies showthat non-biological like I said
this before studies show thatnon-biological male caregivers,
stepfathers and boyfriends aresignificantly more likely to
abuse children than biologicalfathers.
Some white knights view thechildren as competition for
their partner's attention wementioned that and in extreme
(27:51):
cases, a white knight'sprotective nature turns into
authoritarian control leading toemotional or physical abuse.
So how can fathers protecttheir children from a white
knight?
You know what we're going toskip this one.
Actually, let's just get intoprotective measures for you
fathers in general.
(28:11):
This is for white knights.
These all kind of fall withinthe same thing.
The first, number one, mostimportant thing that you can do
is maintain open communicationwith your kiddos.
It's the most effective way toprotect them, and by creating a
(28:35):
safe and open environment wherethey feel comfortable talking to
you about anything, includingconcerns about their mother's
new boyfriend.
So how can you encourage honestconversations?
The first thing is to be anactive listener.
Make time for regularconversations and let your
children talk freely, withoutjudgment.
(28:57):
Now, I know that this is a hardone while you're going through
it and maybe post-divorce andwhen you're trying to figure out
life 2.0, and it might not beas easy to be present with them.
This is a critical, criticalskill to learn and focus on, and
(29:19):
, I would say, one of the firstand primary ones that you should
work on in the beginning inorder to be able to be an active
listener, so that they knowthat they can come to you and
that you're going to belistening.
The next way to encourage honestconversations is ask open-ended
questions.
So, instead of asking like, iseverything okay?
(29:40):
Which, if, depending on the ageof your children, if it's a
teenager, it might be a gruntlike uh-huh or a yes, instead,
try, how do you feel aboutspending time with mom's new
boyfriend, right?
So that's an open-endedquestion.
You still might be you, youstill might get a fine, you
(30:01):
still might get something.
That that's.
That's short, but it willpotentially prompt, um, uh, a
conversation around.
Well, fine, is not a feelingexcited, happy, scared, those
are.
Those are feelings, right?
So the follow-up questions areare uh, as well, and that's part
of that being present and beable to have that conversation
(30:21):
with them.
The next way is normalizespeaking up.
Assure your children that theyshould always tell you if they
feel uncomfortable, scared orpressured in any way.
And you can do this by startingthat practice in your
environment and your householdand also by demonstrating that
(30:43):
yourself to them, by modelingthat to them and talking to them
about how you're feeling.
If you start prompting andsharing with them how you're
feeling, and you can do it insituations at times where it's
very comfortable you guys mightbe playing or doing something
fun and you can just tell themhow excited and fun, how much
(31:04):
fun you're having with them.
Right, do it with quote,unquote, positive feelings,
right.
And then work your way intowhat may be perceived as more
difficult or challenging ones ifyou're feeling sad or angry or
whatever else.
But that's going to normalizethem, speaking up about how they
feel, and then just make sureto listen and acknowledge how
(31:26):
they feel, because you don'twant them to say it and then
feel like that just went by thewayside.
Now I'm just going to leave itat that.
I don't want to get into theweeds on how to do that, because
with our society it's everyfeeling.
Sometimes we have feelings allthe time that come up.
(31:49):
So sometimes they're justfeelings that we can't delve
into every feeling all the time.
So anyway, but just normalizespeaking up all the time.
So anyway, but just normalizespeaking up.
Another way to encourage honestconversation is watch for
indirect clues.
Some children may notexplicitly say they're afraid,
(32:10):
but changes in their behaviorcould indicate distress.
These might be anxiety,withdrawal, bad wedding, anger,
acting out at school.
If you see some changes, youknow your kiddo, you've been
with them since birth.
(32:30):
So if you see some of theseindirect clues, pay attention to
those, pay attention to those.
So what is a red flag in havinghonest conversations?
If your child hesitates to talkto you about their mother's new
boyfriend or suddenly avoidsvisiting their mother's house,
(32:54):
do not ignore this behavior.
Now, that's not to say that theyounger ones, when they're
leaving, say, oh, I don't wantto go, I don't want to go.
That is very, very common.
They've gotten used to wherethey're at and then they say
they don't want to go.
This is if they are avoidingand you can see some of those
(33:15):
indirect clues of anxiety orwithdrawal or something else,
maybe physically manifestingwhere they don't want to go to
their mother's house.
So pay attention to those redflags, okay.
The second protective measure,fellas, is stay involved.
Okay, so you're maintainingopen communication with your
(33:37):
kids.
Stay involved in yourchildren's lives at all costs.
Fathers who remain activelyinvolved in their children's
lives significantly reduce therisk posed by predatory or
abusive stepfathers orboyfriends.
Here are some ways to stayinvolved Regular visitation, if
you share custody, ensure youexercise all your parenting time
(34:03):
and don't miss visits.
If you have limited visitationrights, fight for more time.
I'm going to read that again,guys, because the alienation
that I see with the guys thatcome through the community that
is going on out there isabsolutely.
(34:24):
It's disgusting and it's wrongand it's being overlooked, but
it's incumbent upon us to fightthat.
So the number one way to stayinvolved in your children's life
is to make sure you have yourregular visitation, no matter
(34:46):
what.
If you share custody, again,ensure you exercise all of your
parenting time and don't missvisits.
And if you have limited time,fight for more time that you
think is appropriate.
There is nothing more importantthan your involvement in your
children's lives.
(35:06):
Another way to stay engaged isschool and extracurricular
involvement.
Make sure to attend theparent-teacher's conferences.
Don't abdicate this you mayhave during the marriage.
Make sure you get involved now.
Go to sporting events andafter-school activities.
It not only strengthens yourbond, but also ensures you're
(35:26):
aware of any behavioral changesin your child, because you're
there, you're watching, you'repaying attention and you know
what's going on.
Another is know your child'sfriends and their parents.
That's important as well.
Your child's social circle canprovide additional insight if
they notice unusual behavior,and I'm going to add to that by
(35:52):
knowing their parents not justthe kiddos, but knowing the
parents you're going to have agood idea of the environment
that they're cultivating in andor or the kids that weren't
introduced from or through yourenvironment.
So know their friends, talk tothem about their friends, have
(36:21):
their friends visit, doplaydates with them if they're
younger, have them over ifthey're older, and meet their
parents and talk to theirparents.
It's incredibly, incrediblyimportant.
So what's a red flag alertaround staying involved in your
children's lives If your extries to limit your time with
your children or makes excusesabout why they quote unquote
(36:44):
don't want to visit.
It may be a sign of parentalalienation or an attempt to hide
a bad situation.
I said it before.
I'm going to say it one moretime, and you hear me say this
every week, and if you get oneon one of our group calls and
you're a new person, you hearevery single one of us guys
talking about doing everythingwe can do to make sure that we
(37:10):
are realizing the parenting timethat we have arranged and, if
we need more, that we'rerealizing the parenting time
that we have arranged and if weneed more, that we're fighting
for that parenting time.
So that is a red flag.
If they don't want to visit,okay enough with that, I think
you get the point.
The third protective measure iseducate your children about
(37:32):
boundaries and safety.
Children need to understandtheir personal rights and
boundaries so they can recognizeinappropriate behavior and
report it without fear.
Part of this starts in your ownhousehold, in your environment,
setting boundaries for yourselfwith them.
When they see that, they knowthat they can do that with
(37:54):
others.
We want them to grow up to havehealthy, functioning adult
lives.
Part of that is having healthyboundaries and enforcing those
boundaries.
So make sure to not only modelthat yourself but talk about
that.
And there's nothing wrong withidentifying and talking about
(38:15):
behaviors in their mother'shouse or by their mother,
behaviors, specificallybehaviors that you are not in
agreement with.
So that's not bad mouthingtheir mom, that is just saying
that you do not feel comfortablewith those behaviors.
Now, if you've got a greatworking relationship, hopefully
you can talk with her about that.
(38:37):
But oftentimes that's not thecase and it is important to
point those behaviors out to thekids, explain to them why you
feel that it is not appropriateand what you feel is a better
and more appropriate behavior.
So don't be afraid to havethose conversations granted in
(38:57):
whatever age-appropriate waythat you do it with them.
So teach your children theirbody, their rules.
No one, not even a stepfatheror authority figure, has the
right to touch them in a waythat makes them uncomfortable.
Again, have these conversations, fellas.
Some of these conversations areincredibly, incredibly
(39:19):
uncomfortable.
But here's what I can say is,if you start them early and you
start them early in the processof your divorce, but also start
it early in their life theconversations when they get
older, they're just going toknow dad's going to talk about
this stuff and it's okay to havethese conversations.
That goes back to encouragingthem to have honest
(39:43):
conversations.
They're uncomfortable, youmight not know how to have them
and really there's no right orwrong way to do it and you might
feel uncomfortable and youmight screw it up.
Trust me, you're going to, andit might be weird and awkward
and difficult, but make sure tohave these conversations with
them.
Also, teach them the differencebetween discipline and abuse.
(40:06):
Some new partners may claim I'mjust being tough on them, when
they're actually being abusive.
There's a difference betweendiscipline and abuse.
Teach them secrets are red flags.
There should never, ever, underany circumstance, be a secret.
(40:29):
Teach them that no adult shouldever tell them to keep a secret
from you.
This is a very common tactic ofpredators, so there should
never, ever be any secrets orlying between you and your
kiddos, so just communicate thatwith them.
(40:50):
Another one teach them how tocall for help.
Ensure that they know how tocall you, a trusted family
member or a friend, or even 911,if they feel unsafe.
So what is a red flag aroundeducating your children about
boundaries and safety If yourchild suddenly becomes fearful
(41:13):
of physical contact?
So all of a sudden you'regiving hugs they're used to
giving hugs, running up to you,stuff like that and they become
fearful that that is a red flag.
Or if they hesitate to talkabout their time at their
mother's house, investigate thatfurther.
Now that's going to be a littlemore of a situation where
(41:36):
you're going to have to maneuverand massage that conversation.
But if they start to beguarding and hesitant or even
defensive of what's going on attheir mother's house, you might
want to start trying to delveinto that a little bit further.
Okay, bear with me.
We've got a few more ways inwhich you can take protective
(41:59):
measures.
The next one is monitor the newman's behavior and background.
It's important to be aware ofwho is around your children and
whether they have a history ofviolent behavior, criminal
activity or manipulation tactics.
So some of this you're going tohave to become a PI.
How can you assess a newboyfriend or stepdad?
(42:23):
First thing you can do is youcan check criminal records.
If you suspect a red flag, youcan run a background check
through public records.
Actually, a simple Googlesearch should be able to pull up
a lot of stuff.
If you need to go further anddeeper into that, you can do a
background check.
Hopefully your ex has thoughtabout this and thinks and wants
(42:47):
to make sure that she is vettingpeople who are into her life.
But this, for the reasons thatwe mentioned earlier, does not
happen.
Okay, and that's the same inour lives too.
With any new person, a newromantic partner, that comes in,
we want to make sure to vetthese, but you can vet through
criminal background checks andrecords.
(43:09):
The next is look formanipulative behavior.
Does he try to exclude yourchild?
Look for manipulative behavior.
Does he try to exclude you fromyour child's life, paint you as
the quote-unquote bad guy orpush for more control over your
child?
Huge red flag.
As soon as he startsbad-mouthing you, that is a huge
, huge red flag.
There is never going to beanybody other than you as their
(43:33):
father.
So if somebody is notencouraging that, if another man
is not encouraging that, thenthat is a huge red flag.
The next way to monitor isobserve how he treats your
children.
Is he too harsh with discipline, overly possessive or quick to
anger?
Again, some signs Also talk toyour ex, if possible, even if
(43:55):
it's not making it known asimportant.
Communicating with an ex can bechallenging, but expressing
concern in a non-confrontationalway may help.
Even if it just serves to puther on notice that you are
paying attention.
That is not a bad thing.
That is actually a positivething.
(44:16):
So even if you know you're notgoing to get a reaction that is
positive, or you think that it'sgoing to be a fruitful
conversation, have theconversation.
Red flag alert If the newboyfriend has a history of
domestic violence, child abuseor substance abuse, take
immediate legal action toprotect your child.
And when I say immediate, I meanimmediate.
(44:38):
So don't go negotiating withyour ex, don't go dilly-dallying
and contemplating what you needto do.
You need to take actionsbecause that is a concerning
situation.
Okay, number five and thisleads into this utilizing legal
(45:00):
safeguards if necessary.
If you believe your child is inimminent danger, do not
hesitate to take legal actions.
Courts take child welfareconcern very seriously and you
have legal options to protectyour children.
Now I say that they takeconcerns very seriously.
Outcomes aren't necessarilygreat, but they do pay attention
(45:21):
when you start bringing thisstuff up.
So here are the steps to take ifyou suspect abuse or neglect,
document every single thing.
Keep a record of strangebehaviors, bruises, changes in
personality.
Keep a record of strangebehaviors, bruises, changes in
personality, anything suspicious.
Start a file, start a GoogleDrive whatever it might be and
(45:43):
document, document, document.
Request a custody modificationIf you have concerns, you may be
able to increase your parentingtime or request full custody If
the environment is unsafe.
This is going to be a long,long process, particularly if
she's going to fight it.
It's probably going to take achild welfare or a child and
(46:07):
family investigation or aparental responsibility
evaluation or whatever they callit in your area.
This will take a long time andbe very costly, but look,
there's no investment too largefor us to protect our kids.
So, no matter the time orresources that are necessary to
do that, do it.
(46:28):
You can seek a protection order.
If there is evidence of abuseand you need real, specific
evidence, you can file for arestraining order against the
new partner.
Another is involving childprotective services.
If you believe your child isbeing abused, contact CPS or law
enforcement immediately.
But you've got to havesomething that is concrete in
(46:49):
order to do that.
Do not use this or weaponizethis as something that is just
playtime fellas.
It's got to be serious.
So what's a red flag?
If your child tells yousomething disturbing, take it
seriously.
Many cases of abuse gounreported because children fear
they won't be believed.
All right, the last one, thelast way in which you can make
(47:14):
sure to take protective andproactive measures for your
kiddos is fostering a positiveco-parenting relationship.
And I know that's not possiblewith lots of you it wasn't
possible with me but acooperative relationship with
(47:35):
your ex can help preventdangerous situations.
If she sees you as an allyrather than an adversary, she
may be more receptive to yourconcerns about her new partner.
And look, guys, I know many ofyou are dealing with somebody
who's mentally, emotionallymaladjusted or has a personality
disorder, and that's just notgoing to happen.
I understand that, um, but eveneven then, trying to make
(47:58):
overtures can, uh, can help tomaybe alleviate a situation or
mitigate a situation or, um, orjust make things, uh,
potentially in the short term,better for you.
So taking uh, taking that, Idon't want to say high road,
that's not the best way to sayit but taking that initiative to
(48:21):
try to foster that as much asyou possibly can is great.
And how do you do that?
Keep focused on the kids, evenif you and your ex aren't
getting along.
Frame conversations aroundwhat's best for your child.
That is a great way to thinkabout things, framing everything
around.
This is what's best for thekids, this is what's best, et
(48:44):
cetera.
Express concerns, notaccusations.
That's a good one too.
If you have concerns, bring themup calmly and with evidence,
rather than attacking herchoices.
Okay, again, addressspecifically situations and
behaviors that are facts.
Don't get emotional about it,and make sure that you do it
(49:05):
calmly and with evidence.
The next one would be to stayrespectful but firm.
If she's unwilling to listen,you may need to take legal
action, but always document yourconcerns first.
Again, that's a communicationverbally, but also get it in
writing as well.
Your red flag alert around thisis if your ex is defensive,
(49:31):
secretive or dismissive when youraise concerns, this could
indicate she is in denial abouta serious problem.
All right, gentlemen, that hasbeen a lot, I know.
Again, I'm going to have thisup on the website, on the blog
coming up next week, so you cancheck it all out.
But in conclusion, as a divorcedfather, but in conclusion, as a
(49:52):
divorced father, our children'ssafety and emotional well-being
is always our top priority and,while co-parenting can be
(50:18):
complex, staying proactive,engaged and informed about the
potential risk associated with anew partner in your ex's life
is essential.
Maintain open communicationwith your kiddos, foster a
strong bond and keep a watchfuleye for warning signs.
This is going to help youensure they remain safe and
supported.
Legal safeguards and strongparenting strategies can empower
you to protect your children ifconcerns arise.
Remember your role as theirfather is irreplaceable.
(50:43):
Let me say that again your roleas their father is
irreplaceable and your presence,love and vigilance will serve
as their greatest shield againstharm.
While the challenges ofpost-divorce parenting can be
daunting, your commitment totheir well-being will make all
the difference in providing themwith the stability and security
(51:03):
they deserve.
Fellas, thank you so much forlistening this week.
I hope that you found value inthis.
Please, if you did, share itfar and wide on social media,
give us a star rating.
Even better, give some commentsin whatever podcast or platform
you're listening or watchingthis on.
Thank you so much.
(51:25):
Have a terrific week and Godbless.
Hello and welcome to the show.
I am thrilled for you to behere this week and we're going
to be talking about protectingyour children from the new
boyfriend.
Now, hopefully, most of you andthis is statistically true,
most of you are not going tohave to worry about protecting,
(00:22):
but there seems to be quite abit of conversation around this
in the community, so I wanted toaddress it.
I have been reticent to addressthis because I've had some
difficult and challengingexperiences in my life with this
and I didn't feel that I couldbe completely neutral and
(00:47):
positive in addressing this.
I don't know that I still can,but I really think that it is a
topic that needs to be discussedand that you need to be aware
of.
So we're going to jump intothis, reticent or not, but
before we do, let's welcomeDerek, matthew and Will to the
Divorced Advocate community.
(01:09):
If you are not part of it, andyou're not part of these
conversations that we're havingon Signal or in the group
meetings, etc.
Then get tothedivorcedadvocatecom and check
out the resources that we have.
You do not have to go throughthis process and this challenge
all by yourself.
There's a community of men thatis here, with the Divorced
(01:31):
Advocate community that is hereto support you wherever you're
at in this process.
So check it out atthedivorcedadvocatecom.
So I don't have to tell youthat the complexities of
co-parenting after divorce arechallenging, and it becomes even
more challenging when yourex-partner introduces a new
(01:52):
boyfriend into your child'slives.
And, as a father, yourparamount concern, our paramount
concern, is the safety andwell-being of our children, is
the safety and well-being of ourchildren, and so what I'm going
to talk about today is justsome insights into understanding
potential risk and proactivemeasures to protect your
children.
(02:13):
And now you know.
You might think well, I've gotthis written into our parenting
agreement, into our divorcedecree, that we can't introduce
anybody for X amount of time.
Hopefully you have done thatand that's great, and hopefully
you're both thinking about thosethings and that you're both
(02:34):
communicating about what'shappening with that, introducing
people, et cetera.
That is a healthy way in whichto approach this, and if both
people are healthy and have thechildren's best interest in mind
, they are doing those thingsand being conscientious and
communicating and beingrespectful with each other about
that.
(02:55):
Unfortunately, that is notalways the case.
And you also might think that,well, I've got it written into
the divorce decree, so she's gotto do it.
Well, I've got to tell you thatthey don't have to do anything.
That you are, it is incumbentupon you to have to enforce that
decree, and I can tell you, ifyou take them to court over
(03:17):
something like non-introductionof new romantic partners over
six months, the judges andmagistrates are likely not to
give a crap and are going to beless than excited to help you in
this situation.
So that's why it's even moreimportant for you to know and
(03:38):
understand potentially what thepotential risks are and what
protective measures you can taketo watch out for your kiddos.
So I'm going to approach thisfirst in talking about and
understanding the dynamics inwhy women may find new partners
(04:00):
more quickly.
I get this all the time inprivate session and in group
meetings that I can't believethat she's already moved on,
that she's got a boyfriend, thatshe's looking or that she's
dating, etc.
And after divorce, women oftenenter new relationships much
more quickly than men, and thereare multiple psychological,
(04:21):
social and biological factorsthat contribute to this trend.
So let's talk about a few ofthem.
I know that it helped me toknow and understand a little bit
about this that it might havenothing to do with you and it
might have nothing to do withyour relationship with her.
So the first is somethingthat's called hypergamy and
(04:45):
relationship selection.
Hypergamy is the tendency toseek a partner of equal or
higher status in terms of social, financial or emotional
stability, and, in the contextof post-divorce dating, women
often prioritize financialsecurity, stability and
emotional support, which candrive them to actively seek new
(05:09):
relationships, and studiessuggest that women, especially
those with children, may prefera partner who can provide
additional resources andsecurity.
So, basically, what this is isit's really a feature built into
women over millennia that hashelped them to continue the
(05:31):
species by finding somebody thatcan help to provide for them
and to protect them.
So think about it hundreds orthousands of years ago, when
women would get pregnant ortaking care of children, they
would be very vulnerable, and sothat's when they would have to
(05:51):
make sure that they were able tosurvive and thrive with their
environments and with theirchildren, in order to just
simply stay alive.
So they may have moved onquickly with men that had gone
to war or died of sickness, orwhatever it may have been.
So that's what hypergamy is,and so here's the thing is the
(06:14):
millennia of our DNA and howthings are in us just doesn't go
away all of a sudden now thatwe're in 2025 and we have an
expanded consciousness arounddifferent things.
Some of this stuff is justbiologically inherent and
hypergamy is one of those thingsand you can think about this
(06:35):
and also the context of datingand in your relationships also,
and that's a whole differentpodcast.
That's a dating podcast.
But understanding this innatenature, the hypergamous nature
of women to be continuallylooking for that, even when in
relationship, and understandinghow you can handle that in order
(07:00):
to keep your relationshipstrong and thrive with it, in
order to keep your relationshipstrong and thrive with it so
that's another one, but that isthe basic concept around
hypergamy and how that's builtinto the DNA.
The second is the role of socialnetworks.
We're talking about thedynamics and why women find new
(07:21):
partners more quickly.
Women generally also maintainstronger social support networks
than men, which facilitates aquicker re-entry into the dating
scene.
They have female friends andfamily members who will provide
emotional encouragement and evenintroductions to potential
partners.
(07:41):
In contrast to that is us guyswho tend to rely on our spouse
for our emotional support thatwe once we got into the family
unit and after divorce we mayexperience isolation, making it
more challenging to find newrelationships quickly.
I've done a podcast about thiswhere all of my friends this is
(08:02):
just a natural progression ofthe divorce and your divorce
process that we just don't havethose strong or as strong social
support networks as women do.
Again, it's a natural featureof women.
It helped them for millennia tobe able to do that in tribes,
(08:27):
et cetera, to be able to createthose social support networks to
raise children, to take care ofthe families, et cetera.
So that is also one of thereasons is the social support
networks.
The third one is the biologicaland psychological differences
networks.
The third one is the biologicaland psychological differences.
(08:47):
Evolutionary psychologysuggests that women have
historically sought stablepartnerships to ensure the
well-being of their offspring.
So I just mentioned this, evenin modern society.
But even in modern society,this instinct may manifest as a
tendency to pursue relationshipssooner after a breakup.
To pursue relationships soonerafter a breakup.
Additionally, researchindicates that men often take
(09:11):
longer to recover emotionallyfrom a divorce, as they may
process grief differently and beless likely to seek support.
So part of that that I didn'taddress is the support-seeking
process through this, which iscritical.
We talk about grief a lot whenwe're in group meetings, but how
we process that grief it's nota linear process and how men do
(09:33):
it is very different than howwomen do it, so that also is one
of the reasons why they mayfind partners more quickly.
Another one is the difference incustody and dating dynamics.
In many divorce cases, womenreceive primary custody of the
children, and while thisresponsibility might seem like
(09:55):
it would limit datingopportunities, it can actually
serve as a motivator for womento find a partner.
Moreover, men with primarycustody may find themselves less
motivated to date immediately,as they often focus on
reestablishing their ownstability before seeking a new
(10:15):
relationship.
Again, just those inherentdifferences in how we operate
biologically.
The next is the online datingdisparity, and I'm not going to
get into online dating and whata circus that is, but the modern
dating landscape, particularlyonline, favors women.
Studies have shown that womenreceive significantly more
(10:38):
attention on dating apps thanmen, making it much easier for
them to connect with potentialpartners quickly.
This increased access canaccelerate the process of
forming new relationships and,since a majority of the dating
now is done online, that isanother reason why they're able
to find new partners morequickly or seek to the last one
(11:00):
is emotional versus physicalrecovery.
Women are often more emotionallyprepared to leave a marriage
before it officially ends.
Many women emotionally detachfrom their partner long before
the divorce is finalized,allowing them to move on more
quickly.
Because more than 70% ofdivorces are initiated by women,
(11:22):
typically they have alreadystarted this process mentally
and emotionally to plan for.
Again, it's that hypergamousnature of planning for and
moving forward, and that's whywhen we get men in meetings,
they're devastated and they'llsay things like I can't believe
(11:44):
it, or I didn't see this coming,or I didn't know, or how can
she be dating All of this stuffand so which also leaves you a
little bit behind the eight ballin the whole divorce process,
because while this person mightbe months or even years ahead
mentally, emotionally, in thisprocess, you're just starting it
(12:07):
.
So you have to go through allof that in addition to going
through this whole process,which is difficult and
challenging for us guys, becausewe like to know that we have a
plan and a linear process and ifwe're just blindsided, then we
don't have that, which makes itinfinitely more difficult.
(12:40):
So men, like I just said, on theother hand, may experience a
delayed emotional reaction andfind it harder to engage in new
relationships immediately, whichis not a bad thing, guys, the
last thing you need and I'mspeaking from mistakes here
myself is a new relationship inthe middle of working through
all of this stuff.
So that is, in some regards, ared flag, I would say, if your
ex is starting to do thatalready, just know and
(13:00):
understand much of it ispotentially not even at the
conscious level of where itshould be if somebody is
stopping taking the time toreally address what's going on
in their lives, what's going onwith them mentally, emotionally,
spiritually, etc.
And is jumping into a newrelationship.
(13:20):
So that's why you do need to beprepared to know what the risks
are, which we're going to talkabout next, and then what the
proactive measures of what youcan do.
So let's jump into the risk.
And now I'm not bringing thisstuff up to scare you, but it
should give you cautious pauseand make you pay attention to
(13:46):
what's going on.
And while you can't do anythingto control any situations now
outside of your own environmentand your time with your children
, you need to be aware of allthe potential risks here.
(14:06):
All the potential risks here,and one of the most concerning
realities is the heightened riskof child abuse when a new
boyfriend or stepfather entersthe picture, and research
consistently shows that childrenliving with a non-biological
male figure, particularly amother's boyfriend, face
significantly increased risk ofphysical and sexual abuse.
Understanding these statisticsis critical for fathers who want
(14:26):
to protect their children,which I know all of you who are
listening do so.
The stepfather and boyfriendeffect.
The research shows thatchildren living with a mother
and her boyfriend are at thehighest risk of abuse and
neglect.
One study that found childrenin this arrangement showed that
they are 11 times more likely tosuffer physical, sexual and
(14:49):
emotional abuse than thoseliving with both biological
parents.
That's from a study from Dalyand Watson in 1998.
A report from theAdministration for Children and
Families, acf, found thatboyfriends and stepfathers were
responsible for adisproportionately high number
(15:10):
of child maltreatment cases,accounting for 10% of all child
abuse cases that involved maleperpetrators and they were
committed by the mother'sboyfriend, and 8% of cases
involved stepfathers.
Biological fathers, bycomparison, were far less likely
to abuse their own children.
(15:34):
Number two is an increased riskof fatal child abuse.
Perhaps the most alarmingstatistic is the risk of child
homicide when a non-biologicalmale is present in the home, and
this is critical for those ofyou with very young kids.
Children under five years oldare at 50 times greater risk of
(15:59):
being killed by a mother'sboyfriend than by their
biological father.
That's from another Daly andWilson study in 1994.
Biological fathers arestatistically the least likely
group to fatally harm their ownchildren, whereas stepfathers
and boyfriends are far morecommonly involved in fatal child
(16:20):
abuse cases.
You do not hear this with thiswhole single motherhood as a
superhero and as my what do theycall it?
My super ability, right, withthis whole mentality.
(16:43):
So I'm going to read that toyou again, because it's not the
fathers and I know a lot of youwho are listening as I was get
wrongfully and falsely accusedof abuse, and it is a ploy from
somebody who's mentally andemotionally unstable.
But biological fathers arestatistically the least likely
group to fatally harm their ownchildren, whereas stepfathers
(17:06):
and boyfriends are far morecommonly involved in fatal child
abuse cases.
Now, if you're going throughthat, I am sorry, it is terrible
and is brutal, but you've gotto fight tooth and nail and do
everything and whatever you canagainst false allegations like
that, because it is anindication again, another red
(17:28):
flag of somebody who is mentallyand emotionally unstable that
is perpetrating this stuff onyou.
So we don't hear this statisticat all.
We don't hear it about thesingle mother, superpowers, et
cetera.
This is important for you toknow.
(17:49):
Okay, the next one, number threethe Cinderella effect.
Why stepchildren are at higherrisk.
Why stepchildren are at higherrisk?
Evolutionary psychology offersan explanation for this, and
that is an explanation as to whystepchildren are more likely to
(18:11):
suffer abuse at the hands of amother's new partner.
The Cinderella effect refers tothe tendency for non-biological
parents and just think of thestory of Cinderella
Non-biological parents, and justthink of the story of
Cinderella Non-biologicalparents, particularly
stepfathers and Cinderella was astepmother right To invest less
in and be more likely tomistreat stepchildren compared
to their own biologicaloffspring.
(18:32):
And the reasons behind thisinclude one a lack of genetic
investment.
Behind this include one a lackof genetic investment.
A non-biological male has noevolutionary incentive to
protect and nurture a child thatis not his own.
Again, this might not registerat a conscious level, but this
is again something in our DNAthat manifests potentially and
(18:57):
usually unconsciously.
Another one is resentment andstress.
Some men may see theirpartner's children as obstacles
to their relationship anddevelop resentment toward them.
We see this oftentimes inmovies, right Less?
Emotional bonding is anotherone.
Since a boyfriend or stepfatherhas not built an emotional
(19:18):
connection with the child frombirth, their attachment and
patient levels may be lower.
So those are the reasons behindthat Cinderella effect.
Number four the role of singlemotherhood and serial
relationships.
Again, we're talking about therisks of child abuse and new
(19:42):
partners.
So this is number four the roleof single motherhood in serial
relationships.
Studies also highlight thatchildren in homes where a mother
cycles through multiplerelationships face the highest
levels of instability and risk.
When a mother introducesmultiple male figures into her
child's life, over time thechild may experience chronic
(20:06):
instability which can lead toemotional distress, anxiety and
an increased vulnerability toabuse.
The risk of abuse increaseswith each new male figure
brought into the home.
Risk of abuse increases witheach new male figure brought
into the home, as some may enterthe relationship with predatory
intentions towards vulnerablechildren.
And there is no doubt thatduring a divorce, our children
(20:30):
are vulnerable.
They are going through adifficult and challenging time
just as we are All the mental,emotional issues, everything
that's going on in our minds.
Our kids are having a similarexperience in their own lives,
in their own environments, intheir own ways.
So don't and while they areresilient and you'll always hear
(20:52):
me say how resilient they areand they will come through it
don't discount the fact thatthey're at a vulnerable point
during a divorce and justpost-divorce.
Okay, now there's one otherthing that I want to talk about.
So those were four, but there'sone other that is a big one
that I see that is becoming moreand more prevalent in this.
(21:19):
I'm not going to get into thesocietal things.
It is called white knighting.
So white knighting refers to abehavior where a man feels
compelled to defend, protect orrescue women, often in a way
okay.
So there's nothing wrong withdefending, protecting or
rescuing women, right?
But this is in a way that it'sexcessive, unsolicited or even
(21:46):
detrimental to the situation.
And while at first glance itmight seem like chivalry or
noble behavior, white knightingoften stems from deeper
psychological and emotionalissues that can make these men
manipulative, controlling oreven dangerous in relationships.
Manipulative, controlling oreven dangerous in relationships,
particularly when they enter ahousehold with children from a
(22:06):
previous relationship.
So let's describe this in thecontext of what it looks like in
divorce, a white knight istypically a man who intervenes
into your ex's life often inonline debates, relationships,
personal conflicts out of apersonal perceived moral
obligation to quote-unquote saveher.
(22:27):
This manifests in unwarranteddefenses of a woman's actions,
even when she's in the wrong.
A savior complex where hebelieves it's his job to protect
women from harm real orimagined.
Hyper-aggressive behaviortowards other men, viewing them
as threats or quote villains.
(22:48):
A desire for validation, wherethe knight expects gratitude or
romantic affection in return forhis effort.
This will manifest sometimeswhere they're bad-mouthing you
or the father or the situation,et cetera, in order to make
(23:08):
themselves feel better andtrying to make themselves look
better.
Number two why do some menexhibit white knight behavior?
White knighting is not justabout being polite or protective
, which is a masculine trait,but it stems from deep-seated
emotional and psychologicalissues that make these men
(23:31):
vulnerable to unhealthyrelationship dynamics.
First is low self-esteem.
Many white knights have a poorself-image and believe that
their worth is determined by howmuch they can quote, rescue or
quote support a woman.
Another is unresolved motherissues.
Some men who are raised byoverbearing or emotionally
manipulative mothers develop aneed to seek approval from women
(23:53):
at any cost.
Another is fear of rejection.
Instead of approachingrelationships with confidence,
white knights try to earnaffection by being excessively
helpful or self-sacrificing, notonly with your ex, but with
your children as well.
That's a red flag to look forOvercompensation for past
(24:13):
failures.
Some men who have failed inrelationships or have been
labeled as quote too nice, takeon a white knight persona to
differentiate themselves fromquote unquote bad men.
And, lastly, ideologicalconditioning.
In some cases, men have beensocially conditioned and we're
seeing this a lot right now andthis is why there's such a
prevalence of it to believe thatall women are victims and all
(24:37):
men except them are aggressors.
So let's talk now about whenwhite knighting becomes
dangerous.
So I know this is getting longand we're going to get into
protective measures.
Bear with me here.
This is going to be a longerpodcast because we need to get
(24:58):
into this.
And just know I'm going to postthis as a blog post at the
Divorced Advocate this weekbecause I think this information
is critical for you to have.
You can go back, you can lookat the show notes here and print
those off, but you can also goto the blog post at
TheDivorcedAdvocatecom.
So when white knighting becomesdangerous, while some white
(25:20):
knight behavior may seemharmless, it can quickly turn
toxic, especially in situationswhere a man enters a
relationship with a singlemother and starts assuming
control over her children.
That would look likeoverstepping boundaries.
White knights may try to assertdominance over a woman's
(25:40):
children, seeing themselves asthe new quote unquote protector
of the household.
This can create conflict withthe biological father and
absolutely confuses the children.
Another is aggression towardsthe biological father.
Some white knights seeex-husbands or fathers as
threats, leading to unnecessaryhostility, legal battles or even
(26:03):
false accusations.
Another is manipulativebehavior.
Because white knights believethey are quote-unquote owed
something for their loyalty andprotection.
They can becomepassive-aggressive, controlling
or abusive if they don't get thegratitude or affection they
expect.
It's basically rooted incodependency, is what it comes
(26:25):
down to, but it manifests inrelationships as white knighting
, because a lot of this stuffyou hear the passive, aggressive
, the controlling, the abusive,the need for gratitude and
affection, et cetera.
That's all.
Those are all symptoms ofcodependency.
The last one masking insecuritywith overcompensation.
(26:45):
Many white knights are actuallyemotionally fragile and may
lash out if their authority orquote unquote protector role is
questioned.
Okay, number four the whiteknight's role in stepchild abuse
.
So pay close attention to thisone.
Well, not all white knights aredangerous and I would say that
(27:06):
the majority of them are not.
The majority of them arementally, emotionally screwed up
.
They are probably codependent,like I said, but there are
psychopaths out there and thereare some that have some
significant mental, emotionalproblems.
So a disturbing number of childabuse cases involve men who
enter relationships with singlemothers and develop unhealthy,
(27:28):
controlling and then evenviolent relationships with their
stepchildren, and studies showthat non-biological like I said
this before studies show thatnon-biological male caregivers,
stepfathers and boyfriends aresignificantly more likely to
abuse children than biologicalfathers.
Some white knights view thechildren as competition for
their partner's attention wementioned that and in extreme
(27:51):
cases, a white knight'sprotective nature turns into
authoritarian control leading toemotional or physical abuse.
So how can fathers protecttheir children from a white
knight?
You know what we're going toskip this one.
Actually, let's just get intoprotective measures for you
fathers in general.
(28:11):
This is for white knights.
These all kind of fall withinthe same thing.
The first, number one, mostimportant thing that you can do
is maintain open communicationwith your kiddos.
It's the most effective way toprotect them, and by creating a
(28:35):
safe and open environment wherethey feel comfortable talking to
you about anything, includingconcerns about their mother's
new boyfriend.
So how can you encourage honestconversations?
The first thing is to be anactive listener.
Make time for regularconversations and let your
children talk freely, withoutjudgment.
(28:57):
Now, I know that this is a hardone while you're going through
it and maybe post-divorce andwhen you're trying to figure out
life 2.0, and it might not beas easy to be present with them.
This is a critical, criticalskill to learn and focus on, and
(29:19):
, I would say, one of the firstand primary ones that you should
work on in the beginning inorder to be able to be an active
listener, so that they knowthat they can come to you and
that you're going to belistening.
The next way to encourage honestconversations is ask open-ended
questions.
So, instead of asking like, iseverything okay?
(29:40):
Which, if, depending on the ageof your children, if it's a
teenager, it might be a gruntlike uh-huh or a yes, instead,
try, how do you feel aboutspending time with mom's new
boyfriend, right?
So that's an open-endedquestion.
You still might be you, youstill might get a fine, you
(30:01):
still might get something.
That that's.
That's short, but it willpotentially prompt, um, uh, a
conversation around.
Well, fine, is not a feelingexcited, happy, scared, those
are.
Those are feelings, right?
So the follow-up questions areare uh, as well, and that's part
of that being present and beable to have that conversation
(30:21):
with them.
The next way is normalizespeaking up.
Assure your children that theyshould always tell you if they
feel uncomfortable, scared orpressured in any way.
And you can do this by startingthat practice in your
environment and your householdand also by demonstrating that
(30:43):
yourself to them, by modelingthat to them and talking to them
about how you're feeling.
If you start prompting andsharing with them how you're
feeling, and you can do it insituations at times where it's
very comfortable you guys mightbe playing or doing something
fun and you can just tell themhow excited and fun, how much
(31:04):
fun you're having with them.
Right, do it with quote,unquote, positive feelings,
right.
And then work your way intowhat may be perceived as more
difficult or challenging ones ifyou're feeling sad or angry or
whatever else.
But that's going to normalizethem, speaking up about how they
feel, and then just make sureto listen and acknowledge how
(31:26):
they feel, because you don'twant them to say it and then
feel like that just went by thewayside.
Now I'm just going to leave itat that.
I don't want to get into theweeds on how to do that, because
with our society it's everyfeeling.
Sometimes we have feelings allthe time that come up.
(31:49):
So sometimes they're justfeelings that we can't delve
into every feeling all the time.
So anyway, but just normalizespeaking up all the time.
So anyway, but just normalizespeaking up.
Another way to encourage honestconversation is watch for
indirect clues.
Some children may notexplicitly say they're afraid,
(32:10):
but changes in their behaviorcould indicate distress.
These might be anxiety,withdrawal, bad wedding, anger,
acting out at school.
If you see some changes, youknow your kiddo, you've been
with them since birth.
(32:30):
So if you see some of theseindirect clues, pay attention to
those, pay attention to those.
So what is a red flag in havinghonest conversations?
If your child hesitates to talkto you about their mother's new
boyfriend or suddenly avoidsvisiting their mother's house,
(32:54):
do not ignore this behavior.
Now, that's not to say that theyounger ones, when they're
leaving, say, oh, I don't wantto go, I don't want to go.
That is very, very common.
They've gotten used to wherethey're at and then they say
they don't want to go.
This is if they are avoidingand you can see some of those
(33:15):
indirect clues of anxiety orwithdrawal or something else,
maybe physically manifestingwhere they don't want to go to
their mother's house.
So pay attention to those redflags, okay.
The second protective measure,fellas, is stay involved.
Okay, so you're maintainingopen communication with your
(33:37):
kids.
Stay involved in yourchildren's lives at all costs.
Fathers who remain activelyinvolved in their children's
lives significantly reduce therisk posed by predatory or
abusive stepfathers orboyfriends.
Here are some ways to stayinvolved Regular visitation, if
you share custody, ensure youexercise all your parenting time
(34:03):
and don't miss visits.
If you have limited visitationrights, fight for more time.
I'm going to read that again,guys, because the alienation
that I see with the guys thatcome through the community that
is going on out there isabsolutely.
(34:24):
It's disgusting and it's wrongand it's being overlooked, but
it's incumbent upon us to fightthat.
So the number one way to stayinvolved in your children's life
is to make sure you have yourregular visitation, no matter
(34:46):
what.
If you share custody, again,ensure you exercise all of your
parenting time and don't missvisits.
And if you have limited time,fight for more time that you
think is appropriate.
There is nothing more importantthan your involvement in your
children's lives.
(35:06):
Another way to stay engaged isschool and extracurricular
involvement.
Make sure to attend theparent-teacher's conferences.
Don't abdicate this you mayhave during the marriage.
Make sure you get involved now.
Go to sporting events andafter-school activities.
It not only strengthens yourbond, but also ensures you're
(35:26):
aware of any behavioral changesin your child, because you're
there, you're watching, you'repaying attention and you know
what's going on.
Another is know your child'sfriends and their parents.
That's important as well.
Your child's social circle canprovide additional insight if
they notice unusual behavior,and I'm going to add to that by
(35:52):
knowing their parents not justthe kiddos, but knowing the
parents you're going to have agood idea of the environment
that they're cultivating in andor or the kids that weren't
introduced from or through yourenvironment.
So know their friends, talk tothem about their friends, have
(36:21):
their friends visit, doplaydates with them if they're
younger, have them over ifthey're older, and meet their
parents and talk to theirparents.
It's incredibly, incrediblyimportant.
So what's a red flag alertaround staying involved in your
children's lives If your extries to limit your time with
your children or makes excusesabout why they quote unquote
(36:44):
don't want to visit.
It may be a sign of parentalalienation or an attempt to hide
a bad situation.
I said it before.
I'm going to say it one moretime, and you hear me say this
every week, and if you get oneon one of our group calls and
you're a new person, you hearevery single one of us guys
talking about doing everythingwe can do to make sure that we
(37:10):
are realizing the parenting timethat we have arranged and, if
we need more, that we'rerealizing the parenting time
that we have arranged and if weneed more, that we're fighting
for that parenting time.
So that is a red flag.
If they don't want to visit,okay enough with that, I think
you get the point.
The third protective measure iseducate your children about
(37:32):
boundaries and safety.
Children need to understandtheir personal rights and
boundaries so they can recognizeinappropriate behavior and
report it without fear.
Part of this starts in your ownhousehold, in your environment,
setting boundaries for yourselfwith them.
When they see that, they knowthat they can do that with
(37:54):
others.
We want them to grow up to havehealthy, functioning adult
lives.
Part of that is having healthyboundaries and enforcing those
boundaries.
So make sure to not only modelthat yourself but talk about
that.
And there's nothing wrong withidentifying and talking about
(38:15):
behaviors in their mother'shouse or by their mother,
behaviors, specificallybehaviors that you are not in
agreement with.
So that's not bad mouthingtheir mom, that is just saying
that you do not feel comfortablewith those behaviors.
Now, if you've got a greatworking relationship, hopefully
you can talk with her about that.
(38:37):
But oftentimes that's not thecase and it is important to
point those behaviors out to thekids, explain to them why you
feel that it is not appropriateand what you feel is a better
and more appropriate behavior.
So don't be afraid to havethose conversations granted in
(38:57):
whatever age-appropriate waythat you do it with them.
So teach your children theirbody, their rules.
No one, not even a stepfatheror authority figure, has the
right to touch them in a waythat makes them uncomfortable.
Again, have these conversations, fellas.
Some of these conversations areincredibly, incredibly
(39:19):
uncomfortable.
But here's what I can say is,if you start them early and you
start them early in the processof your divorce, but also start
it early in their life theconversations when they get
older, they're just going toknow dad's going to talk about
this stuff and it's okay to havethese conversations.
That goes back to encouragingthem to have honest
(39:43):
conversations.
They're uncomfortable, youmight not know how to have them
and really there's no right orwrong way to do it and you might
feel uncomfortable and youmight screw it up.
Trust me, you're going to, andit might be weird and awkward
and difficult, but make sure tohave these conversations with
them.
Also, teach them the differencebetween discipline and abuse.
(40:06):
Some new partners may claim I'mjust being tough on them, when
they're actually being abusive.
There's a difference betweendiscipline and abuse.
Teach them secrets are red flags.
There should never, ever, underany circumstance, be a secret.
(40:29):
Teach them that no adult shouldever tell them to keep a secret
from you.
This is a very common tactic ofpredators, so there should
never, ever be any secrets orlying between you and your
kiddos, so just communicate thatwith them.
(40:50):
Another one teach them how tocall for help.
Ensure that they know how tocall you, a trusted family
member or a friend, or even 911,if they feel unsafe.
So what is a red flag aroundeducating your children about
boundaries and safety If yourchild suddenly becomes fearful
(41:13):
of physical contact?
So all of a sudden you'regiving hugs they're used to
giving hugs, running up to you,stuff like that and they become
fearful that that is a red flag.
Or if they hesitate to talkabout their time at their
mother's house, investigate thatfurther.
Now that's going to be a littlemore of a situation where
(41:36):
you're going to have to maneuverand massage that conversation.
But if they start to beguarding and hesitant or even
defensive of what's going on attheir mother's house, you might
want to start trying to delveinto that a little bit further.
Okay, bear with me.
We've got a few more ways inwhich you can take protective
(41:59):
measures.
The next one is monitor the newman's behavior and background.
It's important to be aware ofwho is around your children and
whether they have a history ofviolent behavior, criminal
activity or manipulation tactics.
So some of this you're going tohave to become a PI.
How can you assess a newboyfriend or stepdad?
(42:23):
First thing you can do is youcan check criminal records.
If you suspect a red flag, youcan run a background check
through public records.
Actually, a simple Googlesearch should be able to pull up
a lot of stuff.
If you need to go further anddeeper into that, you can do a
background check.
Hopefully your ex has thoughtabout this and thinks and wants
(42:47):
to make sure that she is vettingpeople who are into her life.
But this, for the reasons thatwe mentioned earlier, does not
happen.
Okay, and that's the same inour lives too.
With any new person, a newromantic partner, that comes in,
we want to make sure to vetthese, but you can vet through
criminal background checks andrecords.
(43:09):
The next is look formanipulative behavior.
Does he try to exclude yourchild?
Look for manipulative behavior.
Does he try to exclude you fromyour child's life, paint you as
the quote-unquote bad guy orpush for more control over your
child?
Huge red flag.
As soon as he startsbad-mouthing you, that is a huge
, huge red flag.
There is never going to beanybody other than you as their
(43:33):
father.
So if somebody is notencouraging that, if another man
is not encouraging that, thenthat is a huge red flag.
The next way to monitor isobserve how he treats your
children.
Is he too harsh with discipline, overly possessive or quick to
anger?
Again, some signs Also talk toyour ex, if possible, even if
(43:55):
it's not making it known asimportant.
Communicating with an ex can bechallenging, but expressing
concern in a non-confrontationalway may help.
Even if it just serves to puther on notice that you are
paying attention.
That is not a bad thing.
That is actually a positivething.
(44:16):
So even if you know you're notgoing to get a reaction that is
positive, or you think that it'sgoing to be a fruitful
conversation, have theconversation.
Red flag alert If the newboyfriend has a history of
domestic violence, child abuseor substance abuse, take
immediate legal action toprotect your child.
And when I say immediate, I meanimmediate.
(44:38):
So don't go negotiating withyour ex, don't go dilly-dallying
and contemplating what you needto do.
You need to take actionsbecause that is a concerning
situation.
Okay, number five and thisleads into this utilizing legal
(45:00):
safeguards if necessary.
If you believe your child is inimminent danger, do not
hesitate to take legal actions.
Courts take child welfareconcern very seriously and you
have legal options to protectyour children.
Now I say that they takeconcerns very seriously.
Outcomes aren't necessarilygreat, but they do pay attention
(45:21):
when you start bringing thisstuff up.
So here are the steps to take ifyou suspect abuse or neglect,
document every single thing.
Keep a record of strangebehaviors, bruises, changes in
personality.
Keep a record of strangebehaviors, bruises, changes in
personality, anything suspicious.
Start a file, start a GoogleDrive whatever it might be and
(45:43):
document, document, document.
Request a custody modificationIf you have concerns, you may be
able to increase your parentingtime or request full custody If
the environment is unsafe.
This is going to be a long,long process, particularly if
she's going to fight it.
It's probably going to take achild welfare or a child and
(46:07):
family investigation or aparental responsibility
evaluation or whatever they callit in your area.
This will take a long time andbe very costly, but look,
there's no investment too largefor us to protect our kids.
So, no matter the time orresources that are necessary to
do that, do it.
(46:28):
You can seek a protection order.
If there is evidence of abuseand you need real, specific
evidence, you can file for arestraining order against the
new partner.
Another is involving childprotective services.
If you believe your child isbeing abused, contact CPS or law
enforcement immediately.
But you've got to havesomething that is concrete in
(46:49):
order to do that.
Do not use this or weaponizethis as something that is just
playtime fellas.
It's got to be serious.
So what's a red flag?
If your child tells yousomething disturbing, take it
seriously.
Many cases of abuse gounreported because children fear
they won't be believed.
All right, the last one, thelast way in which you can make
(47:14):
sure to take protective andproactive measures for your
kiddos is fostering a positiveco-parenting relationship.
And I know that's not possiblewith lots of you it wasn't
possible with me but acooperative relationship with
(47:35):
your ex can help preventdangerous situations.
If she sees you as an allyrather than an adversary, she
may be more receptive to yourconcerns about her new partner.
And look, guys, I know many ofyou are dealing with somebody
who's mentally, emotionallymaladjusted or has a personality
disorder, and that's just notgoing to happen.
I understand that, um, but eveneven then, trying to make
(47:58):
overtures can, uh, can help tomaybe alleviate a situation or
mitigate a situation or, um, orjust make things, uh,
potentially in the short term,better for you.
So taking uh, taking that, Idon't want to say high road,
that's not the best way to sayit but taking that initiative to
(48:21):
try to foster that as much asyou possibly can is great.
And how do you do that?
Keep focused on the kids, evenif you and your ex aren't
getting along.
Frame conversations aroundwhat's best for your child.
That is a great way to thinkabout things, framing everything
around.
This is what's best for thekids, this is what's best, et
(48:44):
cetera.
Express concerns, notaccusations.
That's a good one too.
If you have concerns, bring themup calmly and with evidence,
rather than attacking herchoices.
Okay, again, addressspecifically situations and
behaviors that are facts.
Don't get emotional about it,and make sure that you do it
(49:05):
calmly and with evidence.
The next one would be to stayrespectful but firm.
If she's unwilling to listen,you may need to take legal
action, but always document yourconcerns first.
Again, that's a communicationverbally, but also get it in
writing as well.
Your red flag alert around thisis if your ex is defensive,
(49:31):
secretive or dismissive when youraise concerns, this could
indicate she is in denial abouta serious problem.
All right, gentlemen, that hasbeen a lot, I know.
Again, I'm going to have thisup on the website, on the blog
coming up next week, so you cancheck it all out.
But in conclusion, as a divorcedfather, but in conclusion, as a
(49:52):
divorced father, our children'ssafety and emotional well-being
is always our top priority and,while co-parenting can be
(50:18):
complex, staying proactive,engaged and informed about the
potential risk associated with anew partner in your ex's life
is essential.
Maintain open communicationwith your kiddos, foster a
strong bond and keep a watchfuleye for warning signs.
This is going to help youensure they remain safe and
supported.
Legal safeguards and strongparenting strategies can empower
you to protect your children ifconcerns arise.
Remember your role as theirfather is irreplaceable.
(50:43):
Let me say that again your roleas their father is
irreplaceable and your presence,love and vigilance will serve
as their greatest shield againstharm.
While the challenges ofpost-divorce parenting can be
daunting, your commitment totheir well-being will make all
the difference in providing themwith the stability and security
(51:03):
they deserve.
Fellas, thank you so much forlistening this week.
I hope that you found value inthis.
Please, if you did, share itfar and wide on social media,
give us a star rating.
Even better, give some commentsin whatever podcast or platform
you're listening or watchingthis on.
Thank you so much.
(51:25):
Have a terrific week and Godbless.
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