February 24, 2025 • 36 mins
In this episode, we share valuable strategies to support children through the turbulent waters of divorce. Discover how consistency and openness can anchor a child’s world, from recognizing emotional and behavioral changes to fostering a stable environment. We introduce the engaging "Rose Thorn Bud" dinner-time game as a tool to nurture open communication, and stress the need for healthy co-parenting dynamics to create a secure space for children. Emphasizing self-care for parents and the modeling of positive relationship skills, this episode equips listeners with actionable advice to help children not just cope, but thrive during this challenging transition.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
Hello and welcome to the Divorce Davocate, where we
help dads create a healthy andless traumatic divorce.
My name is Jude Sandvall andI'm your host.
Today we've got the topic of 10effects of divorce on children.
I wanted to mix it up a littlebit here today and kind of talk
(00:36):
about the perspective comingfrom a child's perspective, but
also give us an opportunity tokind of look for some signs that
are commonplace.
Some of these are going to becommon and kind of
straightforward.
Some of them might not be asmuch, but just allow us to take
a look at and kind of see what'sgoing on in the hearts and
(01:01):
minds of our kiddos during this,this challenging time.
I know that we're focused onthis podcast quite a bit about
what we got going on mentallyand emotionally ourselves, and I
think it's really importantalso to and I'm sure, if you're
listening to this, you thisconsideration of yours already
that what our kiddos are goingthrough mentally and emotionally
(01:24):
as well is important.
Before we dive in, though, shownotes the Divorce Advocate app
is available, open, 100% free.
We've got all kinds ofresources there and we're
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We're putting our events inthere too, so you can check out
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(01:47):
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We're going to have a desktopversion coming out here in mid
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So we're just we're continuingto, we're going to be adding
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(02:08):
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that you can take a look at andwork through and right now
that's free.
And then also the divorce quizis still up If you want to gauge
(02:31):
where you're at in your divorcecompared to others who have
gone through it.
It's about 10 minutes and is agreat, great resource.
And that is atthedivorcequizcom.
And you can also find both ofthose resources at the website,
at thedivorcedadvocatecom, underthe Get the App tab or the
(02:54):
Divorce Quiz tab.
So check out those twofantastic resources and get
plugged into the community, allright.
10 Effects of divorce onchildren.
We're going to talk first aboutthose 10 effects and then we're
going to just speak briefly atthe end about how you can help
(03:16):
them cope with the divorce andmitigate some of these effects
on them, and the first one isthey feel angry, and I know that
might be probably one thatyou're feeling as well, going
through this process.
We've talked in great detail inpast episodes about grief and
(03:37):
anger and them being kind ofsister emotions that go together
.
Anger is one of the emotionsthat goes into processing grief,
one of the five, and so that isgoing to be the same for the
kiddos as it is for you, andtheir life is changing just as
(04:02):
much as yours is.
Now.
The biggest challenge for them,though, is that they don't have
much input into what's going onwith this, which can increase
or just make it even morefrustrating for them and bring
up that anger.
So be aware of that Also, thisis particularly present with
(04:27):
school age and school age kidsand teens, and it's mostly
because of that.
What I just described is theirinability to have any control
over it, to have any input intoit, and also it could go into
some feelings of abandonment.
(04:47):
So just be aware again, I'm notgoing to give the tips around
how to deal with it right nowwe're going to talk about that
at the end, but that'sdefinitely one effect that can
be feeling anger.
Another is they might sociallywithdraw, thinking about all of
these feelings that are going on.
And again, this is something,uh, something that you may be
(05:10):
feeling as well and a lot of thethe dads that I come in contact
with during this process feelis they just want to socially
withdraw from what's going onand because of the overwhelming
amount of feelings that arecoming up.
So that's really really similarto what might be happening with
your kiddos.
Another part of this is apotential low self-image
(05:37):
associated with divorce.
Again, just like some of us mayhave a stigma or may be
stigmatized because of ourenvironment or our upbringing
around divorce, our kiddos maybe feeling that also and want to
socially withdraw becausethey're embarrassed or feel bad
about what's going on wasprevalent with one of my
daughters who felt a lot ofemotions and feelings but also
(06:08):
low self-image around thedivorce until she started to
meet some other kids who werealso in families that were
divorced or had blended families, and so a big one about this is
trying to boost your kiddo'sself-confidence and their inner
dialogue around this, and thisis going to go back to
communicating with them andtalking with them, but
(06:30):
specifically to this effect,boosting their self-confidence
and letting them know that thishappens often.
It is commonplace to havedivorce that it has nothing to
do with or does not reflect atall on them because of their
parents' divorce.
Number three their grades mightsuffer.
(06:53):
Now, this one's prettystraightforward, I think.
If you Googled anything aroundeffects or impacts on kids or
how kids might act out or howthey might react to a divorce,
grades might suffer.
And this is also particularlymore noticeable in kids that are
(07:13):
going to be older, maybeteenage kids that might start
feeling a lack of motivationbecause they're feeling
neglected or potentiallydepressed or distracted by
what's going on between theirparents, and might become less
distracted in or less interestedin wanting to be, wanting to
(07:37):
interact or just be immersed inor pay attention to or focused
on their academics.
And obviously we know if thathappens, then their academics
are going to go, fall by thewayside.
But again, if you're payingattention to this and you're
staying abreast of what's goingon and sometimes this is a
(07:59):
little more challenging for usdads, particularly if we were
not the ones that wereintimately involved with their
academics or picking up anddropping off at school,
parent-teacher conferences,knowing who their teachers were,
et cetera, or talking to themabout academics or helping them
(08:19):
with homework.
So just make sure that you stayon top of this.
It could be a very clearindicator of something that's
going on and very loud and bigred flag to be able to have
those conversations with thekiddos If you see that grades
are are suffering drasticallyand quickly.
(08:40):
So pay attention to that.
One.
Number four they they feelseparation anxiety.
Now, this one is potentiallymore prevalent in some of the
younger kiddos and this isdevelopmentally pretty common in
(09:01):
young kids, in toddlers six,six to nine months, or that
really starts to resolve itselfonce they start to get to 18
months old.
But in the older toddlers, whatyou might see is that there's a
(09:21):
separation anxiety or that theymight ask for another parent
all the time, or they might.
And one way to mitigate that isto really keep and I will give
the tip.
I said I wasn't going to givetips.
I'm going to give a tip on thisone specifically because it's
(09:44):
really important.
They'll respond very well to aconsistent routine around this
and you can use visual toolslike calendars.
And when I say that you can markout when your parenting time is
(10:04):
, when your ex's parenting timeis, and clearly label that and
clearly let them know Notknowing is the biggest thing for
them.
And if you can reassure themthat, yes, you're going to see
mommy again, yes, you're goingto see mommy again in a couple
of days, you're at daddy's housenow, that's okay, that
(10:25):
reassurance really helps them goa long way.
And, depending upon yoursituation and what your agreed
upon parenting plan is, then youcan also build some of that
into your parenting plan, like aphone call at night or a text
or FaceTime or something likethat.
(10:46):
That just helps that transition.
This transition is going tohappen.
It's going to be the mostdifficult and challenging in
that first one to three years.
Getting through those first Icall them the seasons.
Getting through that first year, getting through the seasons
with them and the holidays andtransitioning through what's
going to be a differentlifestyle, is really going to be
(11:07):
the biggest time and thebiggest impact.
So if you can create aconsistent routine and that
consistent routine also includesconsistent routines about how
you communicate with them,letting them know that you're
going to see mommy in a coupleof days and vice versa, having
(11:30):
that calendar up so that theycan visualize it, any kind of
consistent thing that you cancreate for them that will
mitigate that anxiety.
We created what we called analtar of things that were
important to them when they cameback to my house that they
could see.
That helped anchor them back atdaddy's house.
That was a consistent thingthat they saw on our kitchen
table all of the time, so thatkind of helps them
(11:51):
subconsciously, mentally andemotionally.
Number five is the little onesmay regress.
So this is just an extension ofnumber four, which is that they
mayress into being more clingyor potentially bedwetting starts
or thumb sucking.
You can see a temper tantrums,stuff like this, stuff like, um,
(12:36):
stuff that you may have seenthem work through.
Like I said, uh, that thenatural anxiety where there's
clinginess from from a childthat might outgrow that up to,
uh, age 18 months old.
And then you see in a, in a kidbetween 18 months to six years
(12:57):
where they kind of revert backto some of this clinginess or
they might revert back to notbeing potty trained or something
else like that.
And again, it's okay, just beaware of the signs.
Often it's just, it's not evensomething that consciously they
(13:17):
are aware of and know that isgoing on.
It's just subconsciously, isreverting back to this stuff,
and if you're paying attention,if you're really in tune to and
being present with them, thenjust know that it's okay.
And again, reassurance andconsistency in the environment
is going to be good, and now wecan only control one part of the
(13:38):
consistency in the environmentis going to be good, and now we
can only we can only control onepart of the consistency in the
environment.
Right, so that's only our, uh,our environment, the environment
that we create and environmentyou create is going to be based
upon what you want that to looklike at.
Uh, at your home I've mentionedthe altar thing is a good one,
(13:59):
and we do one, and we do this tothis day, which is a routine
when my daughters come back, andso we do pizza and movie night
every time they come back.
So then they know they havesomething to look for, they know
something's going to happen andit's and it's something they
can, they enjoy, and so you cancreate some of those traditions
(14:23):
and some of those things thathelp anchor them, help them
readjust to those transitionscoming back.
Number six is their eating andsleeping patterns will change,
and this again is probably goingto be more prevalent in the
(14:47):
kiddos that are younger, thatare maybe less than six years
old, but this can happen withanybody and it may happen with
you as well.
I know it did with me becauseour subconscious is doing work,
it's happening and where mindmight be overly active when
(15:07):
we're going to sleep and so justbe aware of it.
It's again part of thatadjustment in that first year,
or maybe even up to three years,and having the different
environments is that they'regoing to have to learn how that
they have different, they havedifferent environments, they
have different sleep situations.
(15:27):
They might have different sleepschedules at your house and to
with your, your ex.
Now, if you, if you have agreat co-parenting relationship
with your, your ex, now, if you,if you have a great
co-parenting relationship, thatis fantastic and you can talk
about uh, bedtime routines andyou can talk about things like
uh, appropriate, uh andconsistent bedtimes and have
(15:50):
both of you sticking to thosewith the kids, that's absolutely
fantastic and that's an idealco-parent situation.
Now, that's not often.
That's often not the case.
It's not the case in mysituation.
So, again, just creating thatconsistency at your place that
they know and it's perfectlyfine to say, hey, that's, this
(16:14):
is, this is how we do things atdaddy's house, and that is
absolutely okay, becausesometimes you might get the
pushback and that might soundlike, oh, we don't have to do
that at mom's house and thatmight make you feel guilty,
except for the fact that that isa cry for some signs of
(16:37):
consistency.
They want you to be consistent,they want to have structure,
they want to have a routine.
So if you hear that, don't gointo the shame, don't go into
the guilt, go into oh, thank you, you just gave me a red flag
and a sign that you needconsistency and you need
structure.
And so create that consistencyand structure and keep that
(17:02):
regularly in your environmentand regularly in a type of
routine with your bedtime.
Number seven is a tough one.
They may pick sides andoftentimes they just feel really
uncomfortable, stuck in themiddle, and this is really hard.
(17:24):
They might be acting out.
They might not know which sidethey should pick or if they
should pick one parent oranother.
They may be showing up as anintense need to show fairness,
even though it's harmful tothemselves.
This may show up also in havingstomach aches or headaches, and
(17:51):
it may also intensify as theyget older and as, uh, especially
if there's a high, a highconflict.
As they get older and theystart to to gravitate to one
parent or another parent, theymay start to choose sides.
So this is, uh, completelynormal If you're the parent that
(18:14):
they're picking uh, they'repicking, they're not picking
your side.
This can be very, verydifficult and challenging, and
just keeping those lines ofcommunications and allowing them
to work through that is goingto be really helping you to
mitigate some of that bigchallenge and kind of nip that
in the bud before it becomessomething that is hugely
(18:36):
problematic, because you, as afather, involved in their life,
is the number one thing that youcan provide to your kids
(18:59):
through this process.
Number eight is they go throughdepression.
Okay, this again, maybe Ishould have put this up.
Number two alongside that, theymay feel anger, because
depression also is part of thegrieving process and it's one of
the steps to the grievingprocess.
(19:19):
So they may feel angry, theymay feel depressed, they may
feel depressed, they may feel,then angry.
The grieving process is notlinear.
It can be really circular andit can go back and forth, so
don't be surprised by this.
You are experiencing it,potentially, and they're going
(19:41):
to feel sad, and it might juststart as feeling sad about
what's going on.
You just want to be cognizantthat this doesn't morph into
something that is a clinicaldepression where they're sad all
of the time.
Clinical depression wherethey're sad all of the time and
again, that can be more.
This can be more prominent withkids, kiddos, that are ages 11
(20:09):
and older, and here's anotherone that I would be very aware
of is that boys can potentially,and maybe more at risk to have
feelings or thoughts aroundsuicide.
So just be aware of that.
Again, being open and, if youcan, enlisting the help of a
(20:30):
therapist early on in thisprocess, would be absolutely
phenomenal.
To have them have a third partyto uh, to talk to and um, go
through this with and and andand be able to mitigate both mom
and dad's feelings and you knowwe don't always, we're not
(20:50):
always great, and I wasn'talways great also of like being
able to uh to, to go through andhave my feelings and then be
present and do all that and thenbe able to hold space for them
and then allow them to see mehaving my feelings and how I'm
processing them, and then beaware of what they're going
(21:11):
through and hold the space, andthen it's a complicated process.
So having a third party thatcan help you with that really,
really can be phenomenal.
Number nine they engage in riskybehavior.
So this is just one to be awareof that you might not be paying
attention to, you might notknow about, but again, this is
(21:34):
going to be one that's going tobe maybe the teenagers more so
than the younger kiddos, andthis manifests in potentially
drugs and alcohol, aggressivebehavior, sexual activity.
And I want to say again thatyour involvement, your being
(21:55):
present with them, is the numberone thing that can help the
kids, and studies show this overand over again and it shows
that, particularly with yourdaughters, girls that have
fathers that are involved intheir lives, even in divorced
households, are going to be lessinclined to have sex at an
(22:22):
earlier age than girls whosefathers are not involved.
So, you know, just make sure topay attention to that, make
sure to again be aware of theenvironment and where, maybe
with the kiddos, of theenvironment that your kiddos are
hanging out in and the friendsthat they're hanging out with,
(22:42):
so that you are able to havethose open lines of
communication with them about,are able to have those open
lines of communication with themabout what's going on.
And then the last one, number10, they face their own
relationship struggles andthere's a good chance that the
kiddos may internalize some ofwhat's going on and some of what
(23:04):
has happened through thisprocess may impact their general
ideas and attitudes towardswhat's going on with their
relationships and theirpotential relationships.
And this, again, with teens, isparticularly prevalent because
(23:25):
they're starting to have theirown relationships and maybe
their own boyfriends orgirlfriends in school.
And so here is herein lies, anopportunity, an opportunity for
you to have those opendiscussions and conversations
with them and be able to talkabout, maybe, what was, what
(23:47):
were reasons why yourrelationship was not successful,
things that you might have donebetter, the part that you took
in the relationship and thedynamic you brought to the
relationship, your feelingsabout everything that happened
and going forward and goingforward how you might approach
(24:07):
things in a better manner.
Or, if you are in a newrelationship and are modeling a
positive relationship and ahealthier relationship with
somebody now, then that's a huge, huge opportunity to have them
see what may have been anunhealthy relationship, but a
dynamic.
And now what is a healthy andpositive relationship and a
dynamic?
And now what is a healthy andpositive relationship and a
(24:28):
dynamic, especially if you'vebeen successful at blending
families together and being ableto have them spend time and be
with your now other relationshipand have them see, potentially,
if your ex is doing that aswell.
So it can be good.
You know it can be good.
(24:49):
The other thing I want to sayabout this is going through the
divorce helps them also to seethat there's many alternative
family models.
So maybe you didn't findsomebody else, and being a
single dad and going throughthat, like I have for the past
nine years, helps them also tosee that there is another way
(25:10):
and that you can have that andthat can be successful, and that
that's all right too.
And now that's going to take alot of work on your part to get
comfortable yourself with thatand being comfortable in the
role of single and what all ofthat entails, and so that's
(25:30):
that's perfectly okay, and it'sperfectly okay to talk to your
kids about that.
Or if you're not comfortablewith it and you don't like it,
it's also perfectly comfortableto talk with them about that as
well.
So just so that there's options.
And again, the communicationthing is huge, and so let's talk
now about ways in which you canhelp them cope through these 10
(25:51):
effects of divorce on them, andthe first thing I keep saying,
and the first one is encouragethem to talk to you, explain to
them that they're in a safespace, and that safe space again
goes back to you creating anenvironment for that safe space
and being aware of what they'regoing through.
If you are aware of these 10effects and you're able to even
(26:15):
prompt and bring up theopportunity to do this, we
started to play a game at dinnertime which was called Rose
Thorn Bud, and a rose was a goodexperience you had during the
day.
A thorn was a um was a badexperience.
You are a mistake that you uhhad that you made during the day
(26:37):
, and the bud was a act, uh, anact of kindness that either you
you uh portrayed to somebodyelse or that you witnessed
during the day.
So we'd start our dinner timeswith our rose thorn bud
conversations, which always ledto and prompted us to talk about
more than just those specificthings.
(26:59):
It would be talking aboutfeelings, and so that was kind
of creating that space, holdingthat space for them, that, uh,
that they could talk about thisstuff, cause inevitably they we
talk about this stuff Becauseinevitably we talk about things
at school or their relationshipsor their friends, or what's
going on in their mom's house orwhat's going on in their
environment or how they'refeeling.
So that's just one good exampleof encouraging them to talk.
(27:22):
And it's just not hey, do youwant to talk?
No, okay, thanks, thanks,because that just doesn't work.
In particular, if you haveteens like I do, you already
know this that there there'sgoing to take maybe a little
more prompting and maybe that's,um, finding a activity that is
a common activity you like.
(27:43):
Doing that allows you to, uh,just connect with them and give
them the opportunity to havethat.
Another thing you can do to helpthem cope is understand that
all kids process changedifferently and what works for
one will not necessarily workfor another, and that's why
paying attention.
(28:04):
So I've got three and I cantell you that all three of them
do it differently.
Two of the three do it kind ofthe same.
One of the three is totallydifferent than the other two and
so, again, this is where thatpaying attention and that's why
I wanted to do this podcast waspaying attention to those
effects that you might notreadily notice because they're
(28:28):
kind of covert.
They might be mental andemotional right, and part of
that grieving process and we'vegot so much going on.
So just know that if you havemultiple kids and you're
thinking, oh well, one's doingthis and this is really obvious,
and one's not doing this sothat one must be perfectly fine
or vice versa, that might not bethe case.
(28:48):
So again, the conversationsreally opening those
conversations is the big key one, because you will be really,
really surprised.
My one, my one that does notprocess things the same as what
I would say the other three ofus has just absolutely
blindsided me sometimes in ourdinner conversations with her
(29:11):
observations around what's goingon and I would just think, holy
moly, she would not ever sayanything, she's not acting out,
none of that and she had themost insightful observations,
observations around what's goingon, than anybody else did.
So just be aware they processvery, very differently.
(29:35):
The next thing to help your kidscope is try to eliminate
conflict between yourself andyour ex, if possible, okay.
So again, we talk about thisall of the time on the podcast
and we talk about co-parentingand effective co-parenting and
all the strategies.
But sometimes you're just notable to do that and you're going
(29:58):
to be parallel parenting.
If you can't eliminate conflict, that's great.
If you can, if you can mitigatethat, uh, to whatever extent
you absolutely positively can,that's great.
But parallel parenting is goingto be perfectly fine as well.
Eventually the kiddos willfigure it out.
But if you can, you've doneeverything.
(30:21):
And now this doesn't say thisdoesn't mean go above and beyond
, don't continue.
Don't continue an overgivingdynamic.
If you were an overgiver orcodependent in a relationship
and then you do that, youcontinue to do that in order to
cater to the best needs of thekids, because you want to make
(30:42):
things more comfortable.
Because here's the thing if youare codependent, if you are
overgiving, and then your kidssee that, then they're going to
start to model that behavior intheir relationships.
You don't want them to modelthat behavior which is avoiding
conflict at all costs, becauseyou don't want to rock the boat,
(31:04):
because then they just do thesame thing.
So that's not helping.
You think maybe you're helping,but in the short run maybe
you're making things easier, butin the long run you're as
detrimental to your kiddos,because they're going to be
mimicking that same behavior intheir relationships and then
what that does is then they gofind the same relationship you
(31:24):
had, and we definitely don'twant that to happen.
So eliminate conflict to bestof your abilities.
Let's put let's, let's rephraseit that way.
The next one reach out for help, and we if, if, if you need it.
And this isn't just withtherapy.
So we mentioned early therapy,which, although I would highly
(31:46):
highly suggest absolutelypositively if you can do that.
But that also means reach outto family, reach out to friends,
or, you know, we've talked inthe previous episodes that
self-care around asking for helpis a very, very good thing and
(32:08):
that's a strength that you canbuild.
Maybe uncomfortable, it may besomething that you haven't done
at all or you have problemsdoing, but asking for help can
be great and, again, this modelsreally fantastic behavior for
the kiddos.
So do that, ask for help.
And the last one is be kind toyourself, have grace with
(32:30):
yourself.
Your kiddos, again, need you tobe strong.
They need you to be centered.
You're human.
You're going to make mistakes.
Through this, thatcommunication can also be
learning to apologize whenyou've made mistakes.
I've gotten good at thisbecause I have made a buttload
of mistakes.
So learning how to apologize tothem, ask their forgiveness
(32:52):
again, is a great relationshiptool to teach your kiddos that
it's going to benefit them intheir lives.
So be kind to yourself andagain, finally, be taking care
of your self-care mentally,emotionally, physically,
spiritually.
I'm not going to go into thatin detail right now because I
(33:13):
have multiple episodes on that,so go back and check those out.
So there you go 10 effects ofdivorce on children and ways
that you can help them cope withthose 10 effects.
Now I hope that you found somevalue in this information.
If you did, please share it farand wide.
(33:34):
Share it with the divorced ordivorcing dads.
If you're listening on apodcast platform, give us a star
rating, give us a review.
That really helps us immenselyon social media.
Share that and give somecomments as well is great.
And also, go download the app.
Take the divorce quiz, get onthe websites and find the
(33:56):
resources.
We're going to have a much moreexpanded resources page coming
up on the website as well as theapp.
So thanks so much for listening.
God bless, have a great week.
Hello and welcome to the Divorce Davocate, where we
help dads create a healthy andless traumatic divorce.
My name is Jude Sandvall andI'm your host.
Today we've got the topic of 10effects of divorce on children.
I wanted to mix it up a littlebit here today and kind of talk
(00:36):
about the perspective comingfrom a child's perspective, but
also give us an opportunity tokind of look for some signs that
are commonplace.
Some of these are going to becommon and kind of
straightforward.
Some of them might not be asmuch, but just allow us to take
a look at and kind of see what'sgoing on in the hearts and
(01:01):
minds of our kiddos during this,this challenging time.
I know that we're focused onthis podcast quite a bit about
what we got going on mentallyand emotionally ourselves, and I
think it's really importantalso to and I'm sure, if you're
listening to this, you thisconsideration of yours already
that what our kiddos are goingthrough mentally and emotionally
(01:24):
as well is important.
Before we dive in, though, shownotes the Divorce Advocate app
is available, open, 100% free.
We've got all kinds ofresources there and we're
building more out.
We're putting our events inthere too, so you can check out
and register for our events.
On the app as well, we're justgoing to keep building this as
(01:47):
well.
We're going to have a desktopversion coming out here in mid
to the end of next month.
So we're just we're continuingto, we're going to be adding
resources, adding functionality,just continuing to build this
out to be a really fantasticresource and it's going to be
the hub of the entire DivorcedAdvocate community pretty soon.
(02:08):
So check that out, go tothedivorcedadvocateappcom and
you can download it from eitherthe Android or the Apple store.
And again, there are all kindsof resources, over 50 courses
that you can take a look at andwork through and right now
that's free.
And then also the divorce quizis still up If you want to gauge
(02:31):
where you're at in your divorcecompared to others who have
gone through it.
It's about 10 minutes and is agreat, great resource.
And that is atthedivorcequizcom.
And you can also find both ofthose resources at the website,
at thedivorcedadvocatecom, underthe Get the App tab or the
(02:54):
Divorce Quiz tab.
So check out those twofantastic resources and get
plugged into the community, allright.
10 Effects of divorce onchildren.
We're going to talk first aboutthose 10 effects and then we're
going to just speak briefly atthe end about how you can help
(03:16):
them cope with the divorce andmitigate some of these effects
on them, and the first one isthey feel angry, and I know that
might be probably one thatyou're feeling as well, going
through this process.
We've talked in great detail inpast episodes about grief and
(03:37):
anger and them being kind ofsister emotions that go together
.
Anger is one of the emotionsthat goes into processing grief,
one of the five, and so that isgoing to be the same for the
kiddos as it is for you, andtheir life is changing just as
(04:02):
much as yours is.
Now.
The biggest challenge for them,though, is that they don't have
much input into what's going onwith this, which can increase
or just make it even morefrustrating for them and bring
up that anger.
So be aware of that Also, thisis particularly present with
(04:27):
school age and school age kidsand teens, and it's mostly
because of that.
What I just described is theirinability to have any control
over it, to have any input intoit, and also it could go into
some feelings of abandonment.
(04:47):
So just be aware again, I'm notgoing to give the tips around
how to deal with it right nowwe're going to talk about that
at the end, but that'sdefinitely one effect that can
be feeling anger.
Another is they might sociallywithdraw, thinking about all of
these feelings that are going on.
And again, this is something,uh, something that you may be
(05:10):
feeling as well and a lot of thethe dads that I come in contact
with during this process feelis they just want to socially
withdraw from what's going onand because of the overwhelming
amount of feelings that arecoming up.
So that's really really similarto what might be happening with
your kiddos.
Another part of this is apotential low self-image
(05:37):
associated with divorce.
Again, just like some of us mayhave a stigma or may be
stigmatized because of ourenvironment or our upbringing
around divorce, our kiddos maybe feeling that also and want to
socially withdraw becausethey're embarrassed or feel bad
about what's going on wasprevalent with one of my
daughters who felt a lot ofemotions and feelings but also
(06:08):
low self-image around thedivorce until she started to
meet some other kids who werealso in families that were
divorced or had blended families, and so a big one about this is
trying to boost your kiddo'sself-confidence and their inner
dialogue around this, and thisis going to go back to
communicating with them andtalking with them, but
(06:30):
specifically to this effect,boosting their self-confidence
and letting them know that thishappens often.
It is commonplace to havedivorce that it has nothing to
do with or does not reflect atall on them because of their
parents' divorce.
Number three their grades mightsuffer.
(06:53):
Now, this one's prettystraightforward, I think.
If you Googled anything aroundeffects or impacts on kids or
how kids might act out or howthey might react to a divorce,
grades might suffer.
And this is also particularlymore noticeable in kids that are
(07:13):
going to be older, maybeteenage kids that might start
feeling a lack of motivationbecause they're feeling
neglected or potentiallydepressed or distracted by
what's going on between theirparents, and might become less
distracted in or less interestedin wanting to be, wanting to
(07:37):
interact or just be immersed inor pay attention to or focused
on their academics.
And obviously we know if thathappens, then their academics
are going to go, fall by thewayside.
But again, if you're payingattention to this and you're
staying abreast of what's goingon and sometimes this is a
(07:59):
little more challenging for usdads, particularly if we were
not the ones that wereintimately involved with their
academics or picking up anddropping off at school,
parent-teacher conferences,knowing who their teachers were,
et cetera, or talking to themabout academics or helping them
(08:19):
with homework.
So just make sure that you stayon top of this.
It could be a very clearindicator of something that's
going on and very loud and bigred flag to be able to have
those conversations with thekiddos If you see that grades
are are suffering drasticallyand quickly.
(08:40):
So pay attention to that.
One.
Number four they they feelseparation anxiety.
Now, this one is potentiallymore prevalent in some of the
younger kiddos and this isdevelopmentally pretty common in
(09:01):
young kids, in toddlers six,six to nine months, or that
really starts to resolve itselfonce they start to get to 18
months old.
But in the older toddlers, whatyou might see is that there's a
(09:21):
separation anxiety or that theymight ask for another parent
all the time, or they might.
And one way to mitigate that isto really keep and I will give
the tip.
I said I wasn't going to givetips.
I'm going to give a tip on thisone specifically because it's
(09:44):
really important.
They'll respond very well to aconsistent routine around this
and you can use visual toolslike calendars.
And when I say that you can markout when your parenting time is
(10:04):
, when your ex's parenting timeis, and clearly label that and
clearly let them know Notknowing is the biggest thing for
them.
And if you can reassure themthat, yes, you're going to see
mommy again, yes, you're goingto see mommy again in a couple
of days, you're at daddy's housenow, that's okay, that
(10:25):
reassurance really helps them goa long way.
And, depending upon yoursituation and what your agreed
upon parenting plan is, then youcan also build some of that
into your parenting plan, like aphone call at night or a text
or FaceTime or something likethat.
(10:46):
That just helps that transition.
This transition is going tohappen.
It's going to be the mostdifficult and challenging in
that first one to three years.
Getting through those first Icall them the seasons.
Getting through that first year, getting through the seasons
with them and the holidays andtransitioning through what's
going to be a differentlifestyle, is really going to be
(11:07):
the biggest time and thebiggest impact.
So if you can create aconsistent routine and that
consistent routine also includesconsistent routines about how
you communicate with them,letting them know that you're
going to see mommy in a coupleof days and vice versa, having
(11:30):
that calendar up so that theycan visualize it, any kind of
consistent thing that you cancreate for them that will
mitigate that anxiety.
We created what we called analtar of things that were
important to them when they cameback to my house that they
could see.
That helped anchor them back atdaddy's house.
That was a consistent thingthat they saw on our kitchen
table all of the time, so thatkind of helps them
(11:51):
subconsciously, mentally andemotionally.
Number five is the little onesmay regress.
So this is just an extension ofnumber four, which is that they
mayress into being more clingyor potentially bedwetting starts
or thumb sucking.
You can see a temper tantrums,stuff like this, stuff like, um,
(12:36):
stuff that you may have seenthem work through.
Like I said, uh, that thenatural anxiety where there's
clinginess from from a childthat might outgrow that up to,
uh, age 18 months old.
And then you see in a, in a kidbetween 18 months to six years
(12:57):
where they kind of revert backto some of this clinginess or
they might revert back to notbeing potty trained or something
else like that.
And again, it's okay, just beaware of the signs.
Often it's just, it's not evensomething that consciously they
(13:17):
are aware of and know that isgoing on.
It's just subconsciously, isreverting back to this stuff,
and if you're paying attention,if you're really in tune to and
being present with them, thenjust know that it's okay.
And again, reassurance andconsistency in the environment
is going to be good, and now wecan only control one part of the
(13:38):
consistency in the environmentis going to be good, and now we
can only we can only control onepart of the consistency in the
environment.
Right, so that's only our, uh,our environment, the environment
that we create and environmentyou create is going to be based
upon what you want that to looklike at.
Uh, at your home I've mentionedthe altar thing is a good one,
(13:59):
and we do one, and we do this tothis day, which is a routine
when my daughters come back, andso we do pizza and movie night
every time they come back.
So then they know they havesomething to look for, they know
something's going to happen andit's and it's something they
can, they enjoy, and so you cancreate some of those traditions
(14:23):
and some of those things thathelp anchor them, help them
readjust to those transitionscoming back.
Number six is their eating andsleeping patterns will change,
and this again is probably goingto be more prevalent in the
(14:47):
kiddos that are younger, thatare maybe less than six years
old, but this can happen withanybody and it may happen with
you as well.
I know it did with me becauseour subconscious is doing work,
it's happening and where mindmight be overly active when
(15:07):
we're going to sleep and so justbe aware of it.
It's again part of thatadjustment in that first year,
or maybe even up to three years,and having the different
environments is that they'regoing to have to learn how that
they have different, they havedifferent environments, they
have different sleep situations.
(15:27):
They might have different sleepschedules at your house and to
with your, your ex.
Now, if you, if you have agreat co-parenting relationship
with your, your ex, now, if you,if you have a great
co-parenting relationship, thatis fantastic and you can talk
about uh, bedtime routines andyou can talk about things like
uh, appropriate, uh andconsistent bedtimes and have
(15:50):
both of you sticking to thosewith the kids, that's absolutely
fantastic and that's an idealco-parent situation.
Now, that's not often.
That's often not the case.
It's not the case in mysituation.
So, again, just creating thatconsistency at your place that
they know and it's perfectlyfine to say, hey, that's, this
(16:14):
is, this is how we do things atdaddy's house, and that is
absolutely okay, becausesometimes you might get the
pushback and that might soundlike, oh, we don't have to do
that at mom's house and thatmight make you feel guilty,
except for the fact that that isa cry for some signs of
(16:37):
consistency.
They want you to be consistent,they want to have structure,
they want to have a routine.
So if you hear that, don't gointo the shame, don't go into
the guilt, go into oh, thank you, you just gave me a red flag
and a sign that you needconsistency and you need
structure.
And so create that consistencyand structure and keep that
(17:02):
regularly in your environmentand regularly in a type of
routine with your bedtime.
Number seven is a tough one.
They may pick sides andoftentimes they just feel really
uncomfortable, stuck in themiddle, and this is really hard.
(17:24):
They might be acting out.
They might not know which sidethey should pick or if they
should pick one parent oranother.
They may be showing up as anintense need to show fairness,
even though it's harmful tothemselves.
This may show up also in havingstomach aches or headaches, and
(17:51):
it may also intensify as theyget older and as, uh, especially
if there's a high, a highconflict.
As they get older and theystart to to gravitate to one
parent or another parent, theymay start to choose sides.
So this is, uh, completelynormal If you're the parent that
(18:14):
they're picking uh, they'repicking, they're not picking
your side.
This can be very, verydifficult and challenging, and
just keeping those lines ofcommunications and allowing them
to work through that is goingto be really helping you to
mitigate some of that bigchallenge and kind of nip that
in the bud before it becomessomething that is hugely
(18:36):
problematic, because you, as afather, involved in their life,
is the number one thing that youcan provide to your kids
(18:59):
through this process.
Number eight is they go throughdepression.
Okay, this again, maybe Ishould have put this up.
Number two alongside that, theymay feel anger, because
depression also is part of thegrieving process and it's one of
the steps to the grievingprocess.
(19:19):
So they may feel angry, theymay feel depressed, they may
feel depressed, they may feel,then angry.
The grieving process is notlinear.
It can be really circular andit can go back and forth, so
don't be surprised by this.
You are experiencing it,potentially, and they're going
(19:41):
to feel sad, and it might juststart as feeling sad about
what's going on.
You just want to be cognizantthat this doesn't morph into
something that is a clinicaldepression where they're sad all
of the time.
Clinical depression wherethey're sad all of the time and
again, that can be more.
This can be more prominent withkids, kiddos, that are ages 11
(20:09):
and older, and here's anotherone that I would be very aware
of is that boys can potentially,and maybe more at risk to have
feelings or thoughts aroundsuicide.
So just be aware of that.
Again, being open and, if youcan, enlisting the help of a
(20:30):
therapist early on in thisprocess, would be absolutely
phenomenal.
To have them have a third partyto uh, to talk to and um, go
through this with and and andand be able to mitigate both mom
and dad's feelings and you knowwe don't always, we're not
(20:50):
always great, and I wasn'talways great also of like being
able to uh to, to go through andhave my feelings and then be
present and do all that and thenbe able to hold space for them
and then allow them to see mehaving my feelings and how I'm
processing them, and then beaware of what they're going
(21:11):
through and hold the space, andthen it's a complicated process.
So having a third party thatcan help you with that really,
really can be phenomenal.
Number nine they engage in riskybehavior.
So this is just one to be awareof that you might not be paying
attention to, you might notknow about, but again, this is
(21:34):
going to be one that's going tobe maybe the teenagers more so
than the younger kiddos, andthis manifests in potentially
drugs and alcohol, aggressivebehavior, sexual activity.
And I want to say again thatyour involvement, your being
(21:55):
present with them, is the numberone thing that can help the
kids, and studies show this overand over again and it shows
that, particularly with yourdaughters, girls that have
fathers that are involved intheir lives, even in divorced
households, are going to be lessinclined to have sex at an
(22:22):
earlier age than girls whosefathers are not involved.
So, you know, just make sure topay attention to that, make
sure to again be aware of theenvironment and where, maybe
with the kiddos, of theenvironment that your kiddos are
hanging out in and the friendsthat they're hanging out with,
(22:42):
so that you are able to havethose open lines of
communication with them about,are able to have those open
lines of communication with themabout what's going on.
And then the last one, number10, they face their own
relationship struggles andthere's a good chance that the
kiddos may internalize some ofwhat's going on and some of what
(23:04):
has happened through thisprocess may impact their general
ideas and attitudes towardswhat's going on with their
relationships and theirpotential relationships.
And this, again, with teens, isparticularly prevalent because
(23:25):
they're starting to have theirown relationships and maybe
their own boyfriends orgirlfriends in school.
And so here is herein lies, anopportunity, an opportunity for
you to have those opendiscussions and conversations
with them and be able to talkabout, maybe, what was, what
(23:47):
were reasons why yourrelationship was not successful,
things that you might have donebetter, the part that you took
in the relationship and thedynamic you brought to the
relationship, your feelingsabout everything that happened
and going forward and goingforward how you might approach
(24:07):
things in a better manner.
Or, if you are in a newrelationship and are modeling a
positive relationship and ahealthier relationship with
somebody now, then that's a huge, huge opportunity to have them
see what may have been anunhealthy relationship, but a
dynamic.
And now what is a healthy andpositive relationship and a
dynamic?
And now what is a healthy andpositive relationship and a
(24:28):
dynamic, especially if you'vebeen successful at blending
families together and being ableto have them spend time and be
with your now other relationshipand have them see, potentially,
if your ex is doing that aswell.
So it can be good.
You know it can be good.
(24:49):
The other thing I want to sayabout this is going through the
divorce helps them also to seethat there's many alternative
family models.
So maybe you didn't findsomebody else, and being a
single dad and going throughthat, like I have for the past
nine years, helps them also tosee that there is another way
(25:10):
and that you can have that andthat can be successful, and that
that's all right too.
And now that's going to take alot of work on your part to get
comfortable yourself with thatand being comfortable in the
role of single and what all ofthat entails, and so that's
(25:30):
that's perfectly okay, and it'sperfectly okay to talk to your
kids about that.
Or if you're not comfortablewith it and you don't like it,
it's also perfectly comfortableto talk with them about that as
well.
So just so that there's options.
And again, the communicationthing is huge, and so let's talk
now about ways in which you canhelp them cope through these 10
(25:51):
effects of divorce on them, andthe first thing I keep saying,
and the first one is encouragethem to talk to you, explain to
them that they're in a safespace, and that safe space again
goes back to you creating anenvironment for that safe space
and being aware of what they'regoing through.
If you are aware of these 10effects and you're able to even
(26:15):
prompt and bring up theopportunity to do this, we
started to play a game at dinnertime which was called Rose
Thorn Bud, and a rose was a goodexperience you had during the
day.
A thorn was a um was a badexperience.
You are a mistake that you uhhad that you made during the day
(26:37):
, and the bud was a act, uh, anact of kindness that either you
you uh portrayed to somebodyelse or that you witnessed
during the day.
So we'd start our dinner timeswith our rose thorn bud
conversations, which always ledto and prompted us to talk about
more than just those specificthings.
(26:59):
It would be talking aboutfeelings, and so that was kind
of creating that space, holdingthat space for them, that, uh,
that they could talk about thisstuff, cause inevitably they we
talk about this stuff Becauseinevitably we talk about things
at school or their relationshipsor their friends, or what's
going on in their mom's house orwhat's going on in their
environment or how they'refeeling.
So that's just one good exampleof encouraging them to talk.
(27:22):
And it's just not hey, do youwant to talk?
No, okay, thanks, thanks,because that just doesn't work.
In particular, if you haveteens like I do, you already
know this that there there'sgoing to take maybe a little
more prompting and maybe that's,um, finding a activity that is
a common activity you like.
(27:43):
Doing that allows you to, uh,just connect with them and give
them the opportunity to havethat.
Another thing you can do to helpthem cope is understand that
all kids process changedifferently and what works for
one will not necessarily workfor another, and that's why
paying attention.
(28:04):
So I've got three and I cantell you that all three of them
do it differently.
Two of the three do it kind ofthe same.
One of the three is totallydifferent than the other two and
so, again, this is where thatpaying attention and that's why
I wanted to do this podcast waspaying attention to those
effects that you might notreadily notice because they're
(28:28):
kind of covert.
They might be mental andemotional right, and part of
that grieving process and we'vegot so much going on.
So just know that if you havemultiple kids and you're
thinking, oh well, one's doingthis and this is really obvious,
and one's not doing this sothat one must be perfectly fine
or vice versa, that might not bethe case.
(28:48):
So again, the conversationsreally opening those
conversations is the big key one, because you will be really,
really surprised.
My one, my one that does notprocess things the same as what
I would say the other three ofus has just absolutely
blindsided me sometimes in ourdinner conversations with her
(29:11):
observations around what's goingon and I would just think, holy
moly, she would not ever sayanything, she's not acting out,
none of that and she had themost insightful observations,
observations around what's goingon, than anybody else did.
So just be aware they processvery, very differently.
(29:35):
The next thing to help your kidscope is try to eliminate
conflict between yourself andyour ex, if possible, okay.
So again, we talk about thisall of the time on the podcast
and we talk about co-parentingand effective co-parenting and
all the strategies.
But sometimes you're just notable to do that and you're going
(29:58):
to be parallel parenting.
If you can't eliminate conflict, that's great.
If you can, if you can mitigatethat, uh, to whatever extent
you absolutely positively can,that's great.
But parallel parenting is goingto be perfectly fine as well.
Eventually the kiddos willfigure it out.
But if you can, you've doneeverything.
(30:21):
And now this doesn't say thisdoesn't mean go above and beyond
, don't continue.
Don't continue an overgivingdynamic.
If you were an overgiver orcodependent in a relationship
and then you do that, youcontinue to do that in order to
cater to the best needs of thekids, because you want to make
(30:42):
things more comfortable.
Because here's the thing if youare codependent, if you are
overgiving, and then your kidssee that, then they're going to
start to model that behavior intheir relationships.
You don't want them to modelthat behavior which is avoiding
conflict at all costs, becauseyou don't want to rock the boat,
(31:04):
because then they just do thesame thing.
So that's not helping.
You think maybe you're helping,but in the short run maybe
you're making things easier, butin the long run you're as
detrimental to your kiddos,because they're going to be
mimicking that same behavior intheir relationships and then
what that does is then they gofind the same relationship you
(31:24):
had, and we definitely don'twant that to happen.
So eliminate conflict to bestof your abilities.
Let's put let's, let's rephraseit that way.
The next one reach out for help, and we if, if, if you need it.
And this isn't just withtherapy.
So we mentioned early therapy,which, although I would highly
(31:46):
highly suggest absolutelypositively if you can do that.
But that also means reach outto family, reach out to friends,
or, you know, we've talked inthe previous episodes that
self-care around asking for helpis a very, very good thing and
(32:08):
that's a strength that you canbuild.
Maybe uncomfortable, it may besomething that you haven't done
at all or you have problemsdoing, but asking for help can
be great and, again, this modelsreally fantastic behavior for
the kiddos.
So do that, ask for help.
And the last one is be kind toyourself, have grace with
(32:30):
yourself.
Your kiddos, again, need you tobe strong.
They need you to be centered.
You're human.
You're going to make mistakes.
Through this, thatcommunication can also be
learning to apologize whenyou've made mistakes.
I've gotten good at thisbecause I have made a buttload
of mistakes.
So learning how to apologize tothem, ask their forgiveness
(32:52):
again, is a great relationshiptool to teach your kiddos that
it's going to benefit them intheir lives.
So be kind to yourself andagain, finally, be taking care
of your self-care mentally,emotionally, physically,
spiritually.
I'm not going to go into thatin detail right now because I
(33:13):
have multiple episodes on that,so go back and check those out.
So there you go 10 effects ofdivorce on children and ways
that you can help them cope withthose 10 effects.
Now I hope that you found somevalue in this information.
If you did, please share it farand wide.
(33:34):
Share it with the divorced ordivorcing dads.
If you're listening on apodcast platform, give us a star
rating, give us a review.
That really helps us immenselyon social media.
Share that and give somecomments as well is great.
And also, go download the app.
Take the divorce quiz, get onthe websites and find the
(33:56):
resources.
We're going to have a much moreexpanded resources page coming
up on the website as well as theapp.
So thanks so much for listening.
God bless, have a great week.
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Intentionally Disturbing
Join me on this podcast as I navigate the murky waters of human behavior, current events, and personal anecdotes through in-depth interviews with incredible people—all served with a generous helping of sarcasm and satire. After years as a forensic and clinical psychologist, I offer a unique interview style and a low tolerance for bullshit, quickly steering conversations toward depth and darkness. I honor the seriousness while also appreciating wit. I’m your guide through the twisted labyrinth of the human psyche, armed with dark humor and biting wit.