March 3, 2025 • 28 mins
In today's parenting landscape, we often hear about the importance of involved parents. But did you know that fathers bring a unique set of parenting skills to the table? In his book "The Boy Crisis," Dr. Warren Farrell explores how dads parent differently from moms, and why these differences are crucial for child development, especially for boys. Let's dive into six key ways fathers contribute to parenting.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello and welcome to the show.
I sincerely appreciate youlistening today and we are going
to be talking about the uniquerole fathers play in parenting.
Before I jump into thebackground around why I'm
talking about this today, andjust a little bit about my
feelings, let's welcome Carson,tony and Rich to the Divorced
(00:25):
Advocate community.
If you're not a part of thecommunity, like I always mention
at the beginning of the show,check out thedivorcedadvocatecom
.
We have all kinds of resources,from free to paid, for you
wherever you're at in yourprocess.
Go check it out.
The Divor divorce quiz is oneof those.
That is a tremendous tool foryou to sense where you're at
(00:49):
mentally, emotionally, in theprocess pre, during or after.
You can take it multiple timesand see where you're growing,
where you're doing good andwhere you might need some work.
So check that out.
That's under the divorce quiztab at thedivorcedadvocatecom,
so we'd love to have you as apart of our community.
(01:09):
I also wanted to note there aresome challenges going on right
now with the Divorced Advocateapp, so if you've got that
downloaded and you're trying toaccess some of the resources on
that, thanks to community memberDerek for pointing out some
things that are going on.
We recently did an update tothe app.
It looks like it has createdsome significant problems with
(01:30):
it.
So if any of you've ever workedwith an app developer, you know
that that's a fun, frustratingprocess to try to get one
developed, but even worse whenthere's a glitch or a problem
getting that fixed.
So hopefully we'll get thatfixed.
It'll be back on track, allright.
The unique role of fathers inparenting we're going to talk
(01:51):
about six key differences.
My impetus to this is I justfeel like I feel very frustrated
.
Lately I've had a lot of reallygood guys in the community just
getting pounded and poundedfrom different sources about
their parenting.
And I know these guys have beensome of them have been part of
(02:18):
the community for years to thispuke attorney badger and
insinuate things about hisparenting and what a poor dad he
was.
And I know this guy.
He's been to our parties, he'sbeen to our meetings, I've seen
him with his kids.
He's just a great dad and so towatch that was really difficult
(02:40):
and frustrating.
Also, just listening last nightto one of the guys that's got
an ex that's alienating the kidsand doing it through buying
them things and making lifereally easy and comfortable,
whereas he's trying to instillsome values of focus and
(03:02):
discipline and respect andthings like that that they're,
as teenagers, bucking against,which they're going to do, but
you need to work with them totry to figure out and help them
to understand that's part of theparenting process.
So, you know, in today'sparenting landscape, we often
hear about the importance ofinvolved parents and even if you
(03:24):
are an involved parent, likeI'm are an involved parent, like
I'm sure you are, if you'retuning into this, you know there
are differences that fathersbring and a unique set of
parenting skills to the table.
Now there's a great, great bookI highly recommend if you
haven't read it, and it's calledthe boy cross, the boy crisis,
(03:48):
by Dr Warren Farrell.
I think it's a.
It's a read that every single,every single parent should uh,
both father and mother, um,should, should read.
But, dad, I would love for youto to read this because in the
book, he explores how dadsparent differently from moms and
why these differences arecrucial for child development,
(04:11):
especially for boys, and we'regoing to be talking about these
six key differences kind of morein the context around boys,
because I'm taking theinformation and the quotes from
Dr Farrell and the boy crisis,the information and the quotes
from Dr Farrell and the boycrisis, but it works for both
boys and girls, because we'regoing to talk about both men and
women, boys and girls needs.
So let's dive into the six keyways fathers contribute to
(04:34):
parenting.
And I just want you to hearthis again, dads, because I know
that there's a lot of you outthere trying really hard and
working very hard.
And look, there's no billboardsout there.
They're not making movies forus anymore.
There's no sitcoms like FatherKnows Best anymore.
If this is the only time thatyou're going to hear this this
(04:56):
week, I want you to take it toheart, because, dads, you are
absolutely critical in yourchildren's lives.
So let's talk about some of thekey differences and why you are
critical.
The first is boundaryenforcement, and that's just
more than just setting rules.
While both parents may setboundaries, fathers excel at
(05:20):
enforcing them, and this isn'tabout being a quote-unquote bad
cop, but rather aboutconsistently following through
on established rules.
This approach helps childrenunderstand consequences and
develop self-discipline.
In the book, dr Farrell givesall kinds of statistics that
(05:41):
support this and surveys andeverything else, so that's why I
recommend going and reading it,because it is all I hate the
scientifically based, but it isall backed with numbers and
statistics and surveys andeverything else he notes in the
(06:02):
book.
Quote dad's more frequentpropensity towards boundary
enforcement often seem likeinsensitive parenting, when in
fact they are a crucial balanceto a mom's contribution and this
(06:26):
is a thing style of parentingand codify it in the sense that
fathers who are authoritativeare somehow bad because they're
authoritarians, and so this isgoing to be really dangerous
because it's going to move useven further from where we're at
(06:48):
right now with kids and theirinability to launch because they
have no purpose and they haveno drive and they don't have any
kind of understanding ofestablished rules.
So I'm going to give you a tipBe firm but fair.
Okay, I explain the reasonsbehind rules and follow through
(07:10):
consistently.
For example, if your childbreaks a rule, calmly explain
why it's important and force theconsequence without being
overly punitive.
This could be taking awayscreen time for a day if they
don't clean up their toys.
That's just kind of a generalone I'm going to highly
recommend you've heard me if youtalk about it before on this
(07:31):
show recommend Love and Logic asa parenting tool for you in
setting boundaries and helpingchildren to know and learn and
understand that there'sconsequences for their choices
and how to go about that.
They have a whole structure forthis.
(07:53):
It's literally a handbook forparenting, which is absolutely
amazing.
Love and Logic you can Googleit.
Just Google Love and Logic andthey have courses online.
They have books, they have CDs,dvds, streaming videos.
Now I've had it so long mydaughters are older that I've
(08:14):
got the DVDs, which arehilarious and great.
The founders are amazing.
They're from here in Colorado.
It's been around forever.
It's in the school systems hereand across the country.
Love and Logic is an amazing way, but it talks about how you can
be firm but fair, how you cancreate rules and follow through
(08:34):
consistently, and you can dothat in a loving and
compassionate and logical way.
So that's number one boundaryenforcement.
So if you're setting boundaries, that's okay, and I'm going to
say this, I'm going to probablysay this more than once but
trust your instincts, dads.
Trust your instincts becauseyour instincts as a dad are spot
(08:55):
on and just because mom does itdifferently or it happens
differently in a household, oreven if you're getting pushback
from the kids, here's the mostdifficult and frustrating thing
is it's already hard enough.
Getting the pushback from thekids thing is it's already hard
enough getting the pushback fromthe kids and it's hard enough
if you're in a household whereboth parents are on the same
page because they're going topush back and they're going to
(09:17):
push back hard.
But when you're gettingpushback from them and then
you're not getting supportedfrom your soon-to-be acts or
your acts or, worst case,they're even taking it to the
extreme which I've experiencedmultiple times, where they're
making insinuations, they'recalling Child Protective
Services, they're taking you tocourt, they're trying to do
(09:38):
everything because of their ownmessed up mental, emotional
issues that you're having tostay true to what you're doing
and how you're doing.
It becomes incredibly difficultand hard, and I guess that's
where my frustration is,especially with the several guys
over the past couple of weeksthat I've seen struggling with
this and trying to do the rightthing and be a good dad.
(10:01):
So just know that it is okay toset boundaries and enforce
those boundaries.
Number two exploring nature andencouraging risk-taking.
Fathers are more likely toencourage children to push their
limits and take calculatedrisks.
This could involve activitieslike climbing trees, trying new
(10:21):
sports or venturing intounfamiliar territories.
Build confidence and resilience, confidence and resilience two
things that our kids needdesperately in their adult lives
.
We all need, but that's howthey learn it.
Farrell emphasizes theimportance of balancing quote
heroic intelligence and healthintelligence.
(10:44):
End quote, suggesting boys needto learn traditional masculine
traits alongside self-care andemotional awareness.
Now, that's not something thatwe're hearing or seeing anywhere
at all in our society,particularly in our schools,
where they're just teaching ouryoung boys to be little girls is
(11:08):
what it comes down to, and inthis book Farrell and the most
fascinating thing about thisbook is Warren Farrell was a
prominent feminist at thebeginning of the feminist
movement and once he startedwriting and talking about this
stuff, he was absolutelycanceled and ostracized around
(11:28):
this and he was on boards andeverything.
So he was just, he was uh, uh a, a firm believer in in the camp
of helping women and mothers,et cetera, and when he started
coming out with these studiesand then with this book, he
absolutely got decimated.
So, um, so this is this is ahuge, huge point here, gentlemen
(11:49):
.
Suggesting boys need to learntraditional masculine traits
alongside self-care andemotional awareness is
absolutely important.
So we need both of those things, not just the self-care, not
just the awareness.
So here's a dad tip.
I'm calling these dad tips,okay.
The dad tip is plan outdooractivities that challenge your
(12:15):
kids, supervise, but allow themto problem solve and take
age-appropriate risks.
For instance, take your childon a hike and let them navigate
using a map.
Encourage them to try newtrails, but stay within safe
boundaries.
So, again, trust your instincts.
(12:35):
These are all things that dadsand fathers like to do and
they're important to do themwith the kiddos.
Number three roughhousing.
It is more than just play.
Dads are often the go-to parentfor physical play.
Roughhousing isn't just fun,which it is If you grew up doing
(12:59):
that like I did.
It teaches valuable lessons inempathy, self-control and
reading social cues.
Jordan Peterson talks a lotabout this, about the rough and
tumble play and why it'sincredibly important.
It also helps children,especially boys, channel their
energy positively.
Farrell points out roughhousing,or dad-style play, is critical
(13:23):
to children's development.
It's not just play.
It's a form of bonding thathelps develop the prefrontal
cortex, which is crucial forimpulse control and
decision-making.
Let me say that again Roughhousing or dad-style play, is
critical to children'sdevelopment.
It's not just play.
It's a form of bonding thathelps develop the prefrontal
(13:45):
cortex, which is crucial forimpulse control and
decision-making.
Dads, when you're doing thisstuff, which comes natural to
you wrestling with the kidsplaying outside, tag, like
whatever you're doing with them,you're helping them, assisting
them in the development of theirprefrontal cortex.
You might not know that.
I didn't know that until Idelved into this more and
(14:08):
learned more about this and readthis book and read more about
developmental stuff.
So it's absolutely awesome foryou to be doing the roughhousing
stuff.
Here's the dad tip Engage inregular physical play, but set
clear boundaries.
Use these moments to teachabout respecting limits and
(14:30):
reading others' emotions.
For example, during a wrestlingmatch, stop occasionally to ask
your child if you're okay or ifthey want to continue.
This teaches them to respectother boundaries.
I can remember one significanttime in my childhood with my
father playing basketball withhim where it got too rough,
where we got into a physicalaltercation, which that helped
(14:53):
me and taught me, and it becamea big blow up and we had to have
a talk about it and talk withmy mom about it.
And, man, let me tell you itwas a significant learning
experience in what he describes,or what we described here in
this dad tip, in knowing how torespect others and read others'
emotions and know what was goingon with the situation.
(15:16):
So by avoiding this, then wedon't teach them ever how to be
able to do that, which is whatis happening out there right now
, where people just don't knowand understand and have a real
clue and are able to read a roomand see and feel and hear
emotions.
We're doing everything on textand via Zoom and everything else
.
This is something that helps todevelop that, so continue to do
(15:36):
that with your kiddos.
Number four creatingquote-unquote teachable moments
through challenges.
Challenges, it's a good word.
Fathers tend to let theirchildren struggle a bit more
before stepping into help.
This approach createsopportunities for learning and
problem solving.
It's not about being unhelpful,but about fostering
(15:59):
independence and criticalthinking.
Farrell advocates for quoteteaching our sons social,
emotional intelligence so theycan thrive in the modern era.
End quote.
That goes along with what Ijust talked about with that last
dad tip.
It's absolutely crucial.
The dad tip for this one isresist the urge to immediately
solve your child's problems.
(16:21):
Offer guidance and support, butallow them to work through
challenges.
This is one of the great thingswith Love Logic They've got a
template that you can actuallyuse, with exact wording of how
you go about helping them withthe challenge.
For instance, if your child'sstruggling with something, you
can ask them.
(16:41):
So what do you think you'regoing to do about that?
It puts it back on them.
To try to help them to takeresponsibility and ownership for
things.
To take responsibility andownership for things.
You ask them, what do you thinkmight work, or how do you think
you're going to solve this,instead of just giving them the
(17:01):
answer.
So then you become somebodythat's consulting with them and
helping them to own theirchallenge or what their problem
is, and then work through itthemselves instead of giving
them the answer.
So creating these teachablemoments through challenges,
every challenge.
The other thing that Love Logicteaches that's amazing is that
(17:22):
every challenge is anopportunity for them to learn
that their choices haveconsequences, with the result of
those consequences then shapesthe life that they're going to
live and the path that they'regoing to go down.
So it's an amazing way and thenyou are there helping guide
(17:44):
them, and those challenges andthose consequences when they're
younger are smaller and not asdangerous or impactful to your
life as they are when you'reolder and you go through
bankruptcy or divorce orwhatever it might be.
So creating those teachablemoments through challenges is
(18:05):
another great thing that you doDads.
Number five hangout time bondingthrough shared activities.
So dads often connect withtheir children through
side-by-side activities ratherthan face-to-face conversations.
This is one of the challengesthat modern therapy has with
(18:26):
connecting with boys and boysnot wanting to be in therapy, or
men in general not wanting tobe in therapy, or men in general
not wanting to be in therapy.
You can do this by watchingsports, working on a project or
playing video games together.
These shared experiences createopportunities for organic
conversations and bonding.
(18:47):
This is crucial because, asFarrell states, a boy and I want
you to listen to this quotevery closely a boy looks at his
dad and sees the man he couldbecome.
Quote, end quote A boy looks athis dad and sees the man he
could become.
And on the flip side and thisis my quote a girl looks at her
(19:13):
dad and sees the man she wantsto marry and be with.
So that's why bonding throughthese shared activities is
absolutely important andcritical and it's a fun way.
That's how men and boys operateand continue to do that, and
(19:34):
we're not getting a ton of thatright Like.
I don't know about you, but withthe video games and with all
these passive activities thatthey're participating in.
But even if you do play videogames like I play video games
with my daughters it's a funlittle thing that we do.
They're not super into it.
I'm not super into video gamesanymore Once upon a time I was
(19:55):
but that can even be just a fun,silly experience and
conversations can lead from thatand it also teaches different
things and works on challengesand accomplishing things and
fortitude and focus, et cetera.
So the dad tip around, that is,find activities you both enjoy
and make them a regular part ofyour routine.
(20:15):
Use this time to listen andshare.
For example, if you both lovecars, spend a Saturday afternoon
working on a model car orworking on a car, working on a
car itself and doing some work Iknow one of the guys in our
group is a phenomenal,phenomenal mechanic and he does
that all the time and then usethe time to talk about your
(20:35):
interests and listen to others.
It's a reallynon-confrontational way to get
them to open up and talk withyou about things, because it's
not in an environment and look,I'm not bad-mouthing or talking
(20:55):
down therapy.
It's an important piece, butit's only a piece and a part of
mental and emotional self-care,but it's also in kind of a
sterile environment where you'resitting in a room with a
stranger, and so it just is notas organic.
(21:17):
And here's the other thing iswe've gotten away from some of
this stuff.
It used to be and I know I'mgoing off on a challenge, guys,
so just stick with me here.
We only have one more keydifference to go over and talk
about.
(21:37):
But when we had more of anagricultural society, we had
multiple generations of menspending time with their
children, working with them allday long.
They saw the generationalgrandfathers and fathers working
with sons and daughters andmothers and grandmothers, like
we had that whole generationalthing.
We don't have that as muchanymore.
(21:58):
So that's why creating some ofthis stuff intentionally is
incredibly important to do, andI know that some of you do it
already.
Naturally, I know I just lovecamping and being outside.
We've done that since mydaughters were very, very young,
and so some of this stuff.
But there's sometimes lots ofpushback on it.
(22:19):
So I just want you to know thatdoing it is important.
If you're not doing it, try tofind intentional ways to do it,
but I suspect that mostly youare trying to do it,
particularly if you're listeningto this and you're getting
pushed back.
Just keep trying and keep doingit, because it's incredibly
(22:40):
important.
Okay, enough said.
Back to number six teasing atool for emotional intelligence.
You probably have not everheard that Teasing as a tool for
emotional intelligence, whendone with love and sensitivity.
A father's playful teasing canhelp children develop emotional
resilience and understandnuanced social interactions.
(23:04):
Again, nuanced socialinteractions seems to be a
difficult thing for people tofigure out these days, and it's
the increase in the divorce rate, more families that are
separated, less time withfathers.
Connect the dots.
Anyway, it teaches them tonavigate complex social
(23:27):
situations and not takethemselves too seriously.
Wow, could society not benefitfrom not taking themselves too
seriously?
Wow, could society not, youknow, benefit from not taking
themselves too seriously, right?
This aligns with Farrell'semphasis on developing social
and emotional intelligence inboys and girls.
So our dad tip for this is keepthe teasing light and
(23:49):
affectionate.
Be attuned to your children'sreaction, reaction and always
balance it with plenty ofsincere praise and affection.
For example, playfully teaseyour child about their favorite
sports team losing, butimmediately follow up with
genuine praise for their passionand their dedication.
Okay, gentlemen, these uniqueaspects of fathering complement
(24:12):
maternal parenting styles.
Just to be clear, we're notsaying anything poorly about how
moms parent.
They parent differently, andthat's a positive, but we don't
have anybody going over or afterthe way in which mothers parent
.
Actually, I think we're goingso far, to the other end of the
(24:33):
spectrum, like I said, thatwe're codifying or attempting to
codify this way of parentingthat is particularly not
beneficial for our boys, but notbeneficial in general for any
of our kids, because all of thesix keys that I just talked
about are important for bothboys and girls.
So creating a balancedenvironment for our children's
(24:55):
development is critical.
Farrell's research shows thatquote dad deprivation is not
just correlated but is thesingle largest factor in a host
of negative outcomes.
I'll say that again.
His research shows, drFarrell's research shows that
dad deprivation this is a quotedad deprivation is not just
(25:19):
correlated but is the singlelargest factor in a host of
negative outcomes.
End quote.
So by understanding andembracing these differences, we
can foster more well-rounded,emotionally intelligent and
resilient children.
Remember, every family is unique.
These roles aren't set in stone.
(25:41):
Now, that's a whole otherpodcast and a whole other
conversation.
But the key is recognizing thevalue that different parenting
styles bring to a child's life.
So, dads, lean into yourstrengths and know that your
unique approach to parenting isnot just valuable, it is
absolutely essential.
(26:01):
Gentlemen, thank you so muchfor listening this week.
I sincerely appreciate it.
If you found some value in whatwe're talking about here today
your unique role as a father inparenting and what those
differences are Please sharethis far and wide on social
media.
Stop give us a star rating.
(26:21):
Even better, leave a commentand it'll just encourage more
dads out there to get thesupport that they need and
deserve.
Thank you so much.
Have a terrific week and Godbless.
Hello and welcome to the show.
I sincerely appreciate youlistening today and we are going
to be talking about the uniquerole fathers play in parenting.
Before I jump into thebackground around why I'm
talking about this today, andjust a little bit about my
feelings, let's welcome Carson,tony and Rich to the Divorced
(00:25):
Advocate community.
If you're not a part of thecommunity, like I always mention
at the beginning of the show,check out thedivorcedadvocatecom
.
We have all kinds of resources,from free to paid, for you
wherever you're at in yourprocess.
Go check it out.
The Divor divorce quiz is oneof those.
That is a tremendous tool foryou to sense where you're at
(00:49):
mentally, emotionally, in theprocess pre, during or after.
You can take it multiple timesand see where you're growing,
where you're doing good andwhere you might need some work.
So check that out.
That's under the divorce quiztab at thedivorcedadvocatecom,
so we'd love to have you as apart of our community.
(01:09):
I also wanted to note there aresome challenges going on right
now with the Divorced Advocateapp, so if you've got that
downloaded and you're trying toaccess some of the resources on
that, thanks to community memberDerek for pointing out some
things that are going on.
We recently did an update tothe app.
It looks like it has createdsome significant problems with
(01:30):
it.
So if any of you've ever workedwith an app developer, you know
that that's a fun, frustratingprocess to try to get one
developed, but even worse whenthere's a glitch or a problem
getting that fixed.
So hopefully we'll get thatfixed.
It'll be back on track, allright.
The unique role of fathers inparenting we're going to talk
(01:51):
about six key differences.
My impetus to this is I justfeel like I feel very frustrated
.
Lately I've had a lot of reallygood guys in the community just
getting pounded and poundedfrom different sources about
their parenting.
And I know these guys have beensome of them have been part of
(02:18):
the community for years to thispuke attorney badger and
insinuate things about hisparenting and what a poor dad he
was.
And I know this guy.
He's been to our parties, he'sbeen to our meetings, I've seen
him with his kids.
He's just a great dad and so towatch that was really difficult
(02:40):
and frustrating.
Also, just listening last nightto one of the guys that's got
an ex that's alienating the kidsand doing it through buying
them things and making lifereally easy and comfortable,
whereas he's trying to instillsome values of focus and
(03:02):
discipline and respect andthings like that that they're,
as teenagers, bucking against,which they're going to do, but
you need to work with them totry to figure out and help them
to understand that's part of theparenting process.
So, you know, in today'sparenting landscape, we often
hear about the importance ofinvolved parents and even if you
(03:24):
are an involved parent, likeI'm are an involved parent, like
I'm sure you are, if you'retuning into this, you know there
are differences that fathersbring and a unique set of
parenting skills to the table.
Now there's a great, great bookI highly recommend if you
haven't read it, and it's calledthe boy cross, the boy crisis,
(03:48):
by Dr Warren Farrell.
I think it's a.
It's a read that every single,every single parent should uh,
both father and mother, um,should, should read.
But, dad, I would love for youto to read this because in the
book, he explores how dadsparent differently from moms and
why these differences arecrucial for child development,
(04:11):
especially for boys, and we'regoing to be talking about these
six key differences kind of morein the context around boys,
because I'm taking theinformation and the quotes from
Dr Farrell and the boy crisis,the information and the quotes
from Dr Farrell and the boycrisis, but it works for both
boys and girls, because we'regoing to talk about both men and
women, boys and girls needs.
So let's dive into the six keyways fathers contribute to
(04:34):
parenting.
And I just want you to hearthis again, dads, because I know
that there's a lot of you outthere trying really hard and
working very hard.
And look, there's no billboardsout there.
They're not making movies forus anymore.
There's no sitcoms like FatherKnows Best anymore.
If this is the only time thatyou're going to hear this this
(04:56):
week, I want you to take it toheart, because, dads, you are
absolutely critical in yourchildren's lives.
So let's talk about some of thekey differences and why you are
critical.
The first is boundaryenforcement, and that's just
more than just setting rules.
While both parents may setboundaries, fathers excel at
(05:20):
enforcing them, and this isn'tabout being a quote-unquote bad
cop, but rather aboutconsistently following through
on established rules.
This approach helps childrenunderstand consequences and
develop self-discipline.
In the book, dr Farrell givesall kinds of statistics that
(05:41):
support this and surveys andeverything else, so that's why I
recommend going and reading it,because it is all I hate the
scientifically based, but it isall backed with numbers and
statistics and surveys andeverything else he notes in the
(06:02):
book.
Quote dad's more frequentpropensity towards boundary
enforcement often seem likeinsensitive parenting, when in
fact they are a crucial balanceto a mom's contribution and this
(06:26):
is a thing style of parentingand codify it in the sense that
fathers who are authoritativeare somehow bad because they're
authoritarians, and so this isgoing to be really dangerous
because it's going to move useven further from where we're at
(06:48):
right now with kids and theirinability to launch because they
have no purpose and they haveno drive and they don't have any
kind of understanding ofestablished rules.
So I'm going to give you a tipBe firm but fair.
Okay, I explain the reasonsbehind rules and follow through
(07:10):
consistently.
For example, if your childbreaks a rule, calmly explain
why it's important and force theconsequence without being
overly punitive.
This could be taking awayscreen time for a day if they
don't clean up their toys.
That's just kind of a generalone I'm going to highly
recommend you've heard me if youtalk about it before on this
(07:31):
show recommend Love and Logic asa parenting tool for you in
setting boundaries and helpingchildren to know and learn and
understand that there'sconsequences for their choices
and how to go about that.
They have a whole structure forthis.
(07:53):
It's literally a handbook forparenting, which is absolutely
amazing.
Love and Logic you can Googleit.
Just Google Love and Logic andthey have courses online.
They have books, they have CDs,dvds, streaming videos.
Now I've had it so long mydaughters are older that I've
(08:14):
got the DVDs, which arehilarious and great.
The founders are amazing.
They're from here in Colorado.
It's been around forever.
It's in the school systems hereand across the country.
Love and Logic is an amazing way, but it talks about how you can
be firm but fair, how you cancreate rules and follow through
(08:34):
consistently, and you can dothat in a loving and
compassionate and logical way.
So that's number one boundaryenforcement.
So if you're setting boundaries, that's okay, and I'm going to
say this, I'm going to probablysay this more than once but
trust your instincts, dads.
Trust your instincts becauseyour instincts as a dad are spot
(08:55):
on and just because mom does itdifferently or it happens
differently in a household, oreven if you're getting pushback
from the kids, here's the mostdifficult and frustrating thing
is it's already hard enough.
Getting the pushback from thekids thing is it's already hard
enough getting the pushback fromthe kids and it's hard enough
if you're in a household whereboth parents are on the same
page because they're going topush back and they're going to
(09:17):
push back hard.
But when you're gettingpushback from them and then
you're not getting supportedfrom your soon-to-be acts or
your acts or, worst case,they're even taking it to the
extreme which I've experiencedmultiple times, where they're
making insinuations, they'recalling Child Protective
Services, they're taking you tocourt, they're trying to do
(09:38):
everything because of their ownmessed up mental, emotional
issues that you're having tostay true to what you're doing
and how you're doing.
It becomes incredibly difficultand hard, and I guess that's
where my frustration is,especially with the several guys
over the past couple of weeksthat I've seen struggling with
this and trying to do the rightthing and be a good dad.
(10:01):
So just know that it is okay toset boundaries and enforce
those boundaries.
Number two exploring nature andencouraging risk-taking.
Fathers are more likely toencourage children to push their
limits and take calculatedrisks.
This could involve activitieslike climbing trees, trying new
(10:21):
sports or venturing intounfamiliar territories.
Build confidence and resilience, confidence and resilience two
things that our kids needdesperately in their adult lives
.
We all need, but that's howthey learn it.
Farrell emphasizes theimportance of balancing quote
heroic intelligence and healthintelligence.
(10:44):
End quote, suggesting boys needto learn traditional masculine
traits alongside self-care andemotional awareness.
Now, that's not something thatwe're hearing or seeing anywhere
at all in our society,particularly in our schools,
where they're just teaching ouryoung boys to be little girls is
(11:08):
what it comes down to, and inthis book Farrell and the most
fascinating thing about thisbook is Warren Farrell was a
prominent feminist at thebeginning of the feminist
movement and once he startedwriting and talking about this
stuff, he was absolutelycanceled and ostracized around
(11:28):
this and he was on boards andeverything.
So he was just, he was uh, uh a, a firm believer in in the camp
of helping women and mothers,et cetera, and when he started
coming out with these studiesand then with this book, he
absolutely got decimated.
So, um, so this is this is ahuge, huge point here, gentlemen
(11:49):
.
Suggesting boys need to learntraditional masculine traits
alongside self-care andemotional awareness is
absolutely important.
So we need both of those things, not just the self-care, not
just the awareness.
So here's a dad tip.
I'm calling these dad tips,okay.
The dad tip is plan outdooractivities that challenge your
(12:15):
kids, supervise, but allow themto problem solve and take
age-appropriate risks.
For instance, take your childon a hike and let them navigate
using a map.
Encourage them to try newtrails, but stay within safe
boundaries.
So, again, trust your instincts.
(12:35):
These are all things that dadsand fathers like to do and
they're important to do themwith the kiddos.
Number three roughhousing.
It is more than just play.
Dads are often the go-to parentfor physical play.
Roughhousing isn't just fun,which it is If you grew up doing
(12:59):
that like I did.
It teaches valuable lessons inempathy, self-control and
reading social cues.
Jordan Peterson talks a lotabout this, about the rough and
tumble play and why it'sincredibly important.
It also helps children,especially boys, channel their
energy positively.
Farrell points out roughhousing,or dad-style play, is critical
(13:23):
to children's development.
It's not just play.
It's a form of bonding thathelps develop the prefrontal
cortex, which is crucial forimpulse control and
decision-making.
Let me say that again Roughhousing or dad-style play, is
critical to children'sdevelopment.
It's not just play.
It's a form of bonding thathelps develop the prefrontal
(13:45):
cortex, which is crucial forimpulse control and
decision-making.
Dads, when you're doing thisstuff, which comes natural to
you wrestling with the kidsplaying outside, tag, like
whatever you're doing with them,you're helping them, assisting
them in the development of theirprefrontal cortex.
You might not know that.
I didn't know that until Idelved into this more and
(14:08):
learned more about this and readthis book and read more about
developmental stuff.
So it's absolutely awesome foryou to be doing the roughhousing
stuff.
Here's the dad tip Engage inregular physical play, but set
clear boundaries.
Use these moments to teachabout respecting limits and
(14:30):
reading others' emotions.
For example, during a wrestlingmatch, stop occasionally to ask
your child if you're okay or ifthey want to continue.
This teaches them to respectother boundaries.
I can remember one significanttime in my childhood with my
father playing basketball withhim where it got too rough,
where we got into a physicalaltercation, which that helped
(14:53):
me and taught me, and it becamea big blow up and we had to have
a talk about it and talk withmy mom about it.
And, man, let me tell you itwas a significant learning
experience in what he describes,or what we described here in
this dad tip, in knowing how torespect others and read others'
emotions and know what was goingon with the situation.
(15:16):
So by avoiding this, then wedon't teach them ever how to be
able to do that, which is whatis happening out there right now
, where people just don't knowand understand and have a real
clue and are able to read a roomand see and feel and hear
emotions.
We're doing everything on textand via Zoom and everything else
.
This is something that helps todevelop that, so continue to do
(15:36):
that with your kiddos.
Number four creatingquote-unquote teachable moments
through challenges.
Challenges, it's a good word.
Fathers tend to let theirchildren struggle a bit more
before stepping into help.
This approach createsopportunities for learning and
problem solving.
It's not about being unhelpful,but about fostering
(15:59):
independence and criticalthinking.
Farrell advocates for quoteteaching our sons social,
emotional intelligence so theycan thrive in the modern era.
End quote.
That goes along with what Ijust talked about with that last
dad tip.
It's absolutely crucial.
The dad tip for this one isresist the urge to immediately
solve your child's problems.
(16:21):
Offer guidance and support, butallow them to work through
challenges.
This is one of the great thingswith Love Logic They've got a
template that you can actuallyuse, with exact wording of how
you go about helping them withthe challenge.
For instance, if your child'sstruggling with something, you
can ask them.
(16:41):
So what do you think you'regoing to do about that?
It puts it back on them.
To try to help them to takeresponsibility and ownership for
things.
To take responsibility andownership for things.
You ask them, what do you thinkmight work, or how do you think
you're going to solve this,instead of just giving them the
(17:01):
answer.
So then you become somebodythat's consulting with them and
helping them to own theirchallenge or what their problem
is, and then work through itthemselves instead of giving
them the answer.
So creating these teachablemoments through challenges,
every challenge.
The other thing that Love Logicteaches that's amazing is that
(17:22):
every challenge is anopportunity for them to learn
that their choices haveconsequences, with the result of
those consequences then shapesthe life that they're going to
live and the path that they'regoing to go down.
So it's an amazing way and thenyou are there helping guide
(17:44):
them, and those challenges andthose consequences when they're
younger are smaller and not asdangerous or impactful to your
life as they are when you'reolder and you go through
bankruptcy or divorce orwhatever it might be.
So creating those teachablemoments through challenges is
(18:05):
another great thing that you doDads.
Number five hangout time bondingthrough shared activities.
So dads often connect withtheir children through
side-by-side activities ratherthan face-to-face conversations.
This is one of the challengesthat modern therapy has with
(18:26):
connecting with boys and boysnot wanting to be in therapy, or
men in general not wanting tobe in therapy, or men in general
not wanting to be in therapy.
You can do this by watchingsports, working on a project or
playing video games together.
These shared experiences createopportunities for organic
conversations and bonding.
(18:47):
This is crucial because, asFarrell states, a boy and I want
you to listen to this quotevery closely a boy looks at his
dad and sees the man he couldbecome.
Quote, end quote A boy looks athis dad and sees the man he
could become.
And on the flip side and thisis my quote a girl looks at her
(19:13):
dad and sees the man she wantsto marry and be with.
So that's why bonding throughthese shared activities is
absolutely important andcritical and it's a fun way.
That's how men and boys operateand continue to do that, and
(19:34):
we're not getting a ton of thatright Like.
I don't know about you, but withthe video games and with all
these passive activities thatthey're participating in.
But even if you do play videogames like I play video games
with my daughters it's a funlittle thing that we do.
They're not super into it.
I'm not super into video gamesanymore Once upon a time I was
(19:55):
but that can even be just a fun,silly experience and
conversations can lead from thatand it also teaches different
things and works on challengesand accomplishing things and
fortitude and focus, et cetera.
So the dad tip around, that is,find activities you both enjoy
and make them a regular part ofyour routine.
(20:15):
Use this time to listen andshare.
For example, if you both lovecars, spend a Saturday afternoon
working on a model car orworking on a car, working on a
car itself and doing some work Iknow one of the guys in our
group is a phenomenal,phenomenal mechanic and he does
that all the time and then usethe time to talk about your
(20:35):
interests and listen to others.
It's a reallynon-confrontational way to get
them to open up and talk withyou about things, because it's
not in an environment and look,I'm not bad-mouthing or talking
(20:55):
down therapy.
It's an important piece, butit's only a piece and a part of
mental and emotional self-care,but it's also in kind of a
sterile environment where you'resitting in a room with a
stranger, and so it just is notas organic.
(21:17):
And here's the other thing iswe've gotten away from some of
this stuff.
It used to be and I know I'mgoing off on a challenge, guys,
so just stick with me here.
We only have one more keydifference to go over and talk
about.
(21:37):
But when we had more of anagricultural society, we had
multiple generations of menspending time with their
children, working with them allday long.
They saw the generationalgrandfathers and fathers working
with sons and daughters andmothers and grandmothers, like
we had that whole generationalthing.
We don't have that as muchanymore.
(21:58):
So that's why creating some ofthis stuff intentionally is
incredibly important to do, andI know that some of you do it
already.
Naturally, I know I just lovecamping and being outside.
We've done that since mydaughters were very, very young,
and so some of this stuff.
But there's sometimes lots ofpushback on it.
(22:19):
So I just want you to know thatdoing it is important.
If you're not doing it, try tofind intentional ways to do it,
but I suspect that mostly youare trying to do it,
particularly if you're listeningto this and you're getting
pushed back.
Just keep trying and keep doingit, because it's incredibly
(22:40):
important.
Okay, enough said.
Back to number six teasing atool for emotional intelligence.
You probably have not everheard that Teasing as a tool for
emotional intelligence, whendone with love and sensitivity.
A father's playful teasing canhelp children develop emotional
resilience and understandnuanced social interactions.
(23:04):
Again, nuanced socialinteractions seems to be a
difficult thing for people tofigure out these days, and it's
the increase in the divorce rate, more families that are
separated, less time withfathers.
Connect the dots.
Anyway, it teaches them tonavigate complex social
(23:27):
situations and not takethemselves too seriously.
Wow, could society not benefitfrom not taking themselves too
seriously?
Wow, could society not, youknow, benefit from not taking
themselves too seriously, right?
This aligns with Farrell'semphasis on developing social
and emotional intelligence inboys and girls.
So our dad tip for this is keepthe teasing light and
(23:49):
affectionate.
Be attuned to your children'sreaction, reaction and always
balance it with plenty ofsincere praise and affection.
For example, playfully teaseyour child about their favorite
sports team losing, butimmediately follow up with
genuine praise for their passionand their dedication.
Okay, gentlemen, these uniqueaspects of fathering complement
(24:12):
maternal parenting styles.
Just to be clear, we're notsaying anything poorly about how
moms parent.
They parent differently, andthat's a positive, but we don't
have anybody going over or afterthe way in which mothers parent
.
Actually, I think we're goingso far, to the other end of the
(24:33):
spectrum, like I said, thatwe're codifying or attempting to
codify this way of parentingthat is particularly not
beneficial for our boys, but notbeneficial in general for any
of our kids, because all of thesix keys that I just talked
about are important for bothboys and girls.
So creating a balancedenvironment for our children's
(24:55):
development is critical.
Farrell's research shows thatquote dad deprivation is not
just correlated but is thesingle largest factor in a host
of negative outcomes.
I'll say that again.
His research shows, drFarrell's research shows that
dad deprivation this is a quotedad deprivation is not just
(25:19):
correlated but is the singlelargest factor in a host of
negative outcomes.
End quote.
So by understanding andembracing these differences, we
can foster more well-rounded,emotionally intelligent and
resilient children.
Remember, every family is unique.
These roles aren't set in stone.
(25:41):
Now, that's a whole otherpodcast and a whole other
conversation.
But the key is recognizing thevalue that different parenting
styles bring to a child's life.
So, dads, lean into yourstrengths and know that your
unique approach to parenting isnot just valuable, it is
absolutely essential.
(26:01):
Gentlemen, thank you so muchfor listening this week.
I sincerely appreciate it.
If you found some value in whatwe're talking about here today
your unique role as a father inparenting and what those
differences are Please sharethis far and wide on social
media.
Stop give us a star rating.
(26:21):
Even better, leave a commentand it'll just encourage more
dads out there to get thesupport that they need and
deserve.
Thank you so much.
Have a terrific week and Godbless.
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