March 24, 2025 • 25 mins
Divorce is tough. There’s no sugarcoating it. It’s a process that shakes the very foundation of your life, leaving you to navigate a storm of emotions, legal complexities, financial strains, and, most importantly, your relationship with your children. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, or like you’re failing, you’re not alone. And here’s the truth: you don’t have to be perfect.
The reality is that you will struggle, and that’s okay. Struggle is not failure—it’s human. In fact, showing your kids that you can weather hard times with resilience will teach them one of the most valuable life lessons they can learn.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello and welcome to the show.
Thank you for tuning in thisweek.
I sincerely appreciate it.
Today we're going to be talkingabout struggles through divorce
and the fact that you don'thave to be perfect through it
and after the divorce.
But before we jump into thattopic and I give you kind of the
background around that, let'swelcome Tim to the Divorced
(00:22):
Advocate community.
If you're not part of thecommunity, check it out at
thedivorcedadvocatecom.
All kinds of resources for you,from paid to free.
Just get engaged and get thehelp that you need and you
deserve atthedivorcedadvocatecom.
All right, so in our groupmeeting yesterday we had a guy
that was struggling a bit and Icould just empathize with him
(00:48):
because during my divorce therewas a time period where I felt a
great amount of shame becauseof struggling and that I wasn't
able to get through it and beperfect and be super dad, which
I tried to do and almost killseverybody that might try to do
that and so we were encouragedhim to to just give himself some
(01:10):
grace as well as uh as knowthat you're going to struggle
through this.
Divorce is tough.
There's no sugar coating.
It is a process that shakes thevery foundation of our lives
and it just leaves us navigatinga storm of emotions and legal
complexities, financial strainsand then also our relationship
(01:32):
with our kiddos.
So you know, if you're feelingoverwhelmed, exhausted or like
you're failing, you're not alone, and so here's.
The truth is that you're notgoing to be perfect, and you
don't have to be perfect throughthis process.
You're going to struggle, andthat's okay, and struggling
(01:52):
through this is not a failure.
It's human.
That you can weather hard timeswith resilience will teach them
one of the most valuable lifelessons they can learn.
So what I wanted to do is talkabout five of the different
struggles that you're going toface and then give you just a
(02:16):
couple of pointers on how tohandle them.
But I just want you to keep inmind through all of this is that
you don't have to be perfect.
Through all of this, you'regoing to struggle, everybody
struggles through it, and it'sokay to be struggling and maybe,
hopefully, from some of theadvice that I'm going to share
(02:36):
with you today on how to handlethis, you'll have some better
strategies for dealing with thisstrategies for dealing with
this, unlike the shame that wassomewhat debilitating at time
for me and for others that Iknow have gone through the
process.
So let's talk about number one,the emotional turmoil Divorce.
(02:57):
You're going to be experiencinggrief and you're mourning the
loss of a life that you once had, and so anger, guilt, sadness
and even relief can all hit atdifferent times, and sometimes
they will hit all at once in amatter of minutes or an hour.
(03:18):
So the emotional roller coasteris up and down and all over the
place.
You've heard us talk about thedifferent stages of grief here
on the show, and also I'verecommended that you look into
that and understand those,because you're going to
experience all of those andthey're going to come, they're
(03:38):
going to go, they're going tocome at times that you don't
necessarily know that they'recoming up or don't want them to
come up, like in the middle ofwork, and you're going to need
to figure out how to handle it.
So how do you handle it?
The first thing I'll say is findan outlet.
That can be and so that's goingto be dependent upon the person
(03:59):
.
All of us have different waysin which we handle our emotions.
Now I'm talking about find ahealthy, obviously.
So what not to do is get intosubstances and escape, et cetera
.
These emotions are not going togo away, so they will keep
coming up until you deal withthem.
So stuff like therapy orjournaling exercising is a great
(04:23):
one.
It's a great time, even ifthat's just a walk, to be able
to start taking control ofsomething.
So by exercising, there's a lotof stuff you're not going to be
able to control.
So one thing you can is whatyou put into your body, how you
take care of your body, whatkind of exercise you get, etc.
So that's a good one todefinitely start with, and that
(04:47):
works also not just mental,emotional parts of it, but it
also helps you physically.
So I always recommend to jumpon that first.
If anything else, you can talkwith a trusted friend who can
help you process the emotions ina healthy way.
But, like I said, don't bottleit up your kids.
(05:07):
So this is a fallacy that washard for me to learn but it's
also difficult sometimes for usas dads is that our kids don't
need us to be seen as unshakable.
It's just not realistic.
They need to see us as human,and so saying stuff to them like
(05:31):
dad is having a tough day, butI'll be okay, is absolutely okay
.
This models for them emotionalintelligence and resilience.
So our goal is to have themgrow up to be healthy,
functioning adults.
The last thing you want them todo is to bottle up their
emotions.
As healthy and functioningadults, you're going to want
(05:54):
them to be able to work throughthis stuff and talk about this
stuff, so you have to be able tomodel that for them, and this
is a great opportunity albeit adifficult and challenging one to
do something like that andshare with them that, hey, I'm
having a tough day.
Even if you let them see youbreak down and cry which was a
(06:15):
hard thing for me to do thefirst time with my daughters it
was much more healthy and a muchmore positive thing for them to
be able to see that.
So, dealing with the emotionalturmoil, the second struggle
you're likely to face is feelinglike you're letting your kids
(06:38):
down.
This was a huge one for me andone that really was a source of
a lot of the shame that I felt.
You might feel shame or guiltfor the upheaval your kids are
experiencing.
You might wonder if they blameyou or if they'll be okay in the
long run.
I can definitively tell you,not only from my experience with
(07:01):
my children, but also inworking with thousands of other
guys that children are resilientand they will be okay, even if
you're experiencing them havingsome struggles or having some
emotional issues or acting outor whatever, or whatever age
(07:24):
appropriate behavior that theymight be going through.
They're going through their ownthing too, so that's perfectly
fine as well, but I guaranteeyou they are resilient and they
will be okay.
So how do you handle thisfeeling like you're letting your
kids down, your kids down?
(07:50):
The first thing I would say isshow up, even when it's hard,
and your kids don't needperfection, they need
consistency.
Let me say that again your kidsdon't need perfection, they
need consistency.
So us, as fathers, what webring is that sense of being a
rock, a consistent foundationthat we will be there over and
over and over again.
We're not going to be thereperfectly every time, but if we
(08:14):
try to be present and listen andkeep our promises, that
consistency is the one thing,that one of the greatest things
that they are looking to us for.
And it doesn't have to beperfect, but just showing up and
being there is okay, even ifyou are struggling, like I said,
(08:36):
even if you're struggling,showing up, being there, sharing
that with them, that you mightbe struggling.
It might be a difficult time,but it's going to be okay.
That is huge for them.
Second part of this is remindyourself that divorce doesn't
mean broken.
This is hopefully a mindsetthat is going away, because you
(09:01):
hear broken marriages, failedmarriages, language like that
which is unhealthy.
A two household family can stillbe a loving, stable environment
if you focus on quality timeand emotional support so you can
create that.
It is incumbent upon you tocreate that.
We've had a couple of greatguests over the last couple of
(09:24):
weeks.
We've had a couple of greatguests over the last couple of
weeks, but the one aboutcreating your environment and
making that a comfortable andstable place for your kiddos
very important.
So just continue to show up,even when it's hard.
It doesn't have to be perfect,just be consistent.
And because it is atwo-household family does not
(09:45):
mean that anything is broken.
You can create that stableenvironment.
Just focus on when you're withthem, that quality time, that
emotional support, being present, listening, and make sure to
keep your promises.
Number three co-parentingchallenges.
Interacting with your ex,especially if it's contentious,
(10:07):
can be one of the hardest parts.
Disagreements about parentingstyles, schedules or finances
can create tension.
So how do you handle this,particularly if it's a
high-conflict divorce and you'llbe parallel parenting and not
co-parenting?
And if you're not familiar withthe difference between
(10:29):
co-parenting, parallel parenting, go back.
We've got a couple of episodesabout the differences, what
those definitions are and howyou can handle it in specific
detail.
I'm going to give you threebrief ones here.
But this is one that juststresses people out.
But this is one that juststresses people out,
(10:49):
particularly because you'redealing with all the emotions of
the end of the relationship andthen you're having to co-parent
with that person and so there'sjust all kinds of dynamics that
go on with that.
The first I would say is keepcommunication business-like.
Treat it like a professionalrelationship.
If you gotta just figure outhow you're gonna get yourself
(11:10):
into that mental, emotionalstate prior to transitions or
communicating or whatever itmight be, just stick to the
facts, stay respectful and avoidpersonal confrontations or
personal attacks.
It's okay to talk aboutbehaviors and to share behaviors
(11:31):
that you're not comfortablewith or you don't agree with,
but when you do that, just makesure that it is done in a
professional manner.
That is just the facts, andthat it's respectful and you're
not attacking.
Now that's difficult.
I understand that it'srespectful and you're not
attacking.
Now that's difficult, Iunderstand, and it's challenging
and there's a lot of emotionsthat get charged in that, but if
(11:51):
you can try to do that, thatwill be very helpful.
There's some tools, too, thatyou can use if necessary, like
apps like Our Family Wizard orTalking Parents that keep your
communications organized andreduces the conflict.
It helps you to keep track ofthem.
You can also write out themessages, leave them.
(12:14):
I always think that's a goodidea Write the message, wait 24
hours and then reread it andrevise it if necessary.
The last is don't use your kidsas messengers.
It's incumbent upon you, as theadult, to be the ones the
adults to be the ones that arecommunicating about things.
Keep them out of the adultconflicts to protect their
(12:38):
emotional well-being, and so,even if that's not happening on
the other side, you can saysomething like I'm so sorry that
your mother is sharing thesethings with you or that she is
discussing this stuff with you,but this is adult stuff that
your mom and I will take care of.
So if kids bring it up whichthey will do, especially if you
(12:58):
have somebody that is notabiding by this and not creating
a healthy situation for thekiddos.
You can point out the behavioragain that it's not appropriate
and that you're sorry that thatis happening.
But you don't need to discusswith them what is going on or
what they might be bringing upto you if it is not appropriate
for them to be in the middle ofit.
(13:19):
So that's perfectly, perfectlyfine, and just make sure not to
do that yourself.
Okay, number four is financialstruggles.
This is a huge one.
There's going to definitely bea financial gut punch when you
go through divorce, because it'sa simple math equation One
house into two is more expensivewith the same amount of income.
(13:43):
So you might be adjusting tochild support payments, the
legal fees or reduced income dueto splitting the assets,
whatever it might be.
But there's going to be adifference and there's going to
be a change for most of you.
And how can you handle it?
First is get on creating arealistic budget, list out your
essentials and cutnon-essentials if needed.
(14:06):
So the earlier you get in frontof this and pay attention to
this, it's going to do a couplethings.
First, it's going to help youthrough the process of splitting
assets, but also, if there'ssome sort of negotiation going
on during the divorce to reallyknow what you can and need to
(14:26):
fight for in order to have acomfortable life post-divorce.
Putting yourself in a badsituation or becoming a martyr
to just get the process done orfor whatever reason, sets
yourself up for a difficultpost-divorce, and that's not
healthy for your kiddos.
If you're stressed out aboutfinances or you've got to pick
(14:48):
up extra jobs or you just haveno money, and that is weighing
on you, that weighs on everybody.
So if you're in survival modeall the time, then that's going
to make it difficult for you tobe present, to be able to listen
, to do what you need to do as adad.
So make sure to get in front ofthat and and then that's going
(15:10):
to set you up by creating thatrealistic budget that's going to
help you to know and understandwhat you got to negotiate for
and the lifestyle then that youcan and want to create then post
divorce.
So do that sooner than later.
Don't bury your head in thesand on that.
The next would be don't beafraid to ask for help around
finances.
Find a financial advisor or afriend, somebody that can help
(15:32):
you plan for stability andgrowth.
Some of us are great at it.
Some of us are not great at it,so if you are great at it,
terrific, get on it.
Make sure to do it.
If you're not, seek out help.
And here's a funny thing,fellas, is that you're going to
be amazed by the number ofpeople that are willing to give
you help if you ask.
(15:53):
There are so many people thathave gone through this difficult
and challenging time thatthey're going to be more than
happy to help you through it andshare whatever they can to
facilitate the process for youand help you out.
So don't be afraid to ask forhelp, and by and large, every
single guy that I ever talked tothat has been afraid to ask for
(16:16):
help and then has asked forhelp has been just amazed that
so many people were therewilling to help out.
So don't be afraid.
It's a sign of strength, not asign of weakness.
The last is teach your kidsfinancial responsibility, and so
we talk about this as divorceis an opportunity for lots of
(16:37):
things, and I know that's againhard to get your mind around
sometimes, but you can use thisas a chance to show them how to
manage money wisely and adjustwhen needed.
That's going to happen in theirlifetime.
It happens in all of ourlifetimes and, again, our goal
is to help them to becomehealthy, functioning adults.
(16:57):
So using this time to sharewith them again, age
appropriately, things that mightbe happening, and teaching them
how to manage their moneywisely and adjust when needed,
is an opportunity that is goingto serve them in their adult
life.
I was having a conversationthis week with my daughters and
(17:21):
we were talking about eatinghealthy, and I really appreciate
what one of my daughters said.
She said you know, daddy, evenwhen we didn't have a lot of
money, we ate healthy, and sothat made me happy and proud for
a couple of reasons.
One is that we talk abouteating healthy and taking care
of bodies and stuff, so that'sthat's been impressed upon her,
(17:42):
but also that it doesn't have tobe expensive, that you and that
that she did recognize andunderstood that, even though we
were struggling and we did havedifficulties, that we were
making sure to do what it isthat we for your kids.
It's not the opportunity that Iwould have chosen right Going
(18:12):
into, into having kids and andand the life that I had planned,
but this is how it worked outand it's just crazy how how
things work and it works to thepositive.
So, so just if you can adoptthat mindset and I know that
it's hard, depending on whereyou're at in the process but
(18:33):
there is opportunity in all ofthis difficulty and challenging
situation.
Isolated or like you've lostyour identity, or both actually,
I would say.
By and large, I would sayeverybody struggles with
(18:57):
loneliness post-divorce,especially if you're in a
full-time household with yourkids in a family dynamic and
structure.
Those quiet nights alone then,when you don't have the kids and
then you don't have your spousethere anymore, then can
sometimes just be challengingand even unbearable.
(19:19):
So how can we handle that?
The first is make sure not toself-isolate.
So, if you have opportunities,reconnect with yourself through
hobbies and passions oractivities that you may have
neglected or ones that you canpick up and start doing, but do
(19:42):
not self-isolate yourself intojust being alone.
The second would be build asupport network.
We talk about this all the time.
Lean on your friends, join adad's group like the Divorced
Advocate Community, or seecommunity spaces where you feel
understood.
Meetupcom is a great place.
Eventbrite is a great place tolook and see different clubs and
(20:07):
groups that are going on.
Your church community is agreat one as well.
They've always got differentclubs and groups that are going
on.
Your church community is agreat one as well.
They've always got differenttypes of groups that may have
things going on as well, butjust find some support, build a
support network and connect withpeople.
And the last one is the one thatyou hear me preach over and
(20:27):
over and over and over and overand over and over again and it's
the first question I ask whenI'm doing one-on-ones with guys
is prioritizing your self care?
Eat well, get enough, rest,stay active.
It is much easier to be therefor your kids when you're taking
care of yourself.
It's that mentality.
If you got to put the oxygenmask on yourself before you put
(20:49):
it on somebody else, you're notgoing to be able to be there and
help them if you are not in amentally, emotionally,
physically and spiritually solidplace.
And it doesn't have to beperfect, right, it just needs to
be ever increasingly improving.
But you're not going to be ableto be there for them if you're
(21:11):
not taking care of some of thosethings Again, not perfectly,
you just need to be consistentand be there for them.
So here's the long and short ofit.
Fellas is struggling doesn'tmake you a bad dad.
You're going to strugglethrough this process.
You're going to strugglepost-divorce.
It is a big, huge change.
(21:33):
I struggled.
Every single dad that I'vetalked to that has gone through
it struggles.
You are going to struggle andthat's okay.
You're not a bad dad.
It does not make you a bad dad.
It makes you a real dad.
So your kids don't need superdad.
They don't need a superhero.
There's no such thing.
They need a father who showsthem that the challenges are
(21:55):
part of life and that they canbe faced with resiliency and
humility and growth.
So when they see youacknowledge your mistakes, work
through the hardships and stillshow up for them, they learn
that life isn't mistakes.
Work through the hardships andstill show up for them.
They learn that life isn'tabout never falling, it's about
(22:19):
getting back up.
I know that seems cliche and itsounds cliche, but it is an
absolute truth that it is anabsolute truth.
They're going to have hardshipsin their adult life and what you
want them to do is be able toget up from those hardships and
continue on.
And this is your opportunity toshow them that they see that
emotions aren't to be feared butto be understood.
(22:40):
So by sharing with them aboutthat, then that helps them to be
able to share about theirs andunderstand more about theirs.
They see that change isn't theend.
It's just the start of a newchapter.
That is huge.
Gentlemen, this can be seen asthe start of a new chapter that
they will know and there's goingto be so much change through
(23:02):
their lives that they will beable to see and know that, by
adapting and dealing with thisdifficult change, that there can
be some positives and hugepotential positive outcomes on
the backside.
So finally, fellas, giveyourself grace.
You're not failing, you'readapting and in doing so, you're
(23:25):
teaching your children one ofthe greatest lessons of all how
to navigate life's storms withstrength and heart.
Gentlemen, stay strong.
You've got this.
If you found some value in whatI shared with you today, please
share it far and wide on socialmedia.
Give us a star rating on apodcast platform that you're
(23:45):
listening to.
Even give us a comment.
That would help as well.
That you're listening to.
Even give us a comment.
That would help as well.
But let's share the messagewith more dads that are going
through or post-divorce so thatthey can get the help that they
need as well.
Thank you so much for listening.
I sincerely appreciate it.
God bless and have a great week.
Hello and welcome to the show.
Thank you for tuning in thisweek.
I sincerely appreciate it.
Today we're going to be talkingabout struggles through divorce
and the fact that you don'thave to be perfect through it
and after the divorce.
But before we jump into thattopic and I give you kind of the
background around that, let'swelcome Tim to the Divorced
(00:22):
Advocate community.
If you're not part of thecommunity, check it out at
thedivorcedadvocatecom.
All kinds of resources for you,from paid to free.
Just get engaged and get thehelp that you need and you
deserve atthedivorcedadvocatecom.
All right, so in our groupmeeting yesterday we had a guy
that was struggling a bit and Icould just empathize with him
(00:48):
because during my divorce therewas a time period where I felt a
great amount of shame becauseof struggling and that I wasn't
able to get through it and beperfect and be super dad, which
I tried to do and almost killseverybody that might try to do
that and so we were encouragedhim to to just give himself some
(01:10):
grace as well as uh as knowthat you're going to struggle
through this.
Divorce is tough.
There's no sugar coating.
It is a process that shakes thevery foundation of our lives
and it just leaves us navigatinga storm of emotions and legal
complexities, financial strainsand then also our relationship
(01:32):
with our kiddos.
So you know, if you're feelingoverwhelmed, exhausted or like
you're failing, you're not alone, and so here's.
The truth is that you're notgoing to be perfect, and you
don't have to be perfect throughthis process.
You're going to struggle, andthat's okay, and struggling
(01:52):
through this is not a failure.
It's human.
That you can weather hard timeswith resilience will teach them
one of the most valuable lifelessons they can learn.
So what I wanted to do is talkabout five of the different
struggles that you're going toface and then give you just a
(02:16):
couple of pointers on how tohandle them.
But I just want you to keep inmind through all of this is that
you don't have to be perfect.
Through all of this, you'regoing to struggle, everybody
struggles through it, and it'sokay to be struggling and maybe,
hopefully, from some of theadvice that I'm going to share
(02:36):
with you today on how to handlethis, you'll have some better
strategies for dealing with thisstrategies for dealing with
this, unlike the shame that wassomewhat debilitating at time
for me and for others that Iknow have gone through the
process.
So let's talk about number one,the emotional turmoil Divorce.
(02:57):
You're going to be experiencinggrief and you're mourning the
loss of a life that you once had, and so anger, guilt, sadness
and even relief can all hit atdifferent times, and sometimes
they will hit all at once in amatter of minutes or an hour.
(03:18):
So the emotional roller coasteris up and down and all over the
place.
You've heard us talk about thedifferent stages of grief here
on the show, and also I'verecommended that you look into
that and understand those,because you're going to
experience all of those andthey're going to come, they're
(03:38):
going to go, they're going tocome at times that you don't
necessarily know that they'recoming up or don't want them to
come up, like in the middle ofwork, and you're going to need
to figure out how to handle it.
So how do you handle it?
The first thing I'll say is findan outlet.
That can be and so that's goingto be dependent upon the person
(03:59):
.
All of us have different waysin which we handle our emotions.
Now I'm talking about find ahealthy, obviously.
So what not to do is get intosubstances and escape, et cetera
.
These emotions are not going togo away, so they will keep
coming up until you deal withthem.
So stuff like therapy orjournaling exercising is a great
(04:23):
one.
It's a great time, even ifthat's just a walk, to be able
to start taking control ofsomething.
So by exercising, there's a lotof stuff you're not going to be
able to control.
So one thing you can is whatyou put into your body, how you
take care of your body, whatkind of exercise you get, etc.
So that's a good one todefinitely start with, and that
(04:47):
works also not just mental,emotional parts of it, but it
also helps you physically.
So I always recommend to jumpon that first.
If anything else, you can talkwith a trusted friend who can
help you process the emotions ina healthy way.
But, like I said, don't bottleit up your kids.
(05:07):
So this is a fallacy that washard for me to learn but it's
also difficult sometimes for usas dads is that our kids don't
need us to be seen as unshakable.
It's just not realistic.
They need to see us as human,and so saying stuff to them like
(05:31):
dad is having a tough day, butI'll be okay, is absolutely okay
.
This models for them emotionalintelligence and resilience.
So our goal is to have themgrow up to be healthy,
functioning adults.
The last thing you want them todo is to bottle up their
emotions.
As healthy and functioningadults, you're going to want
(05:54):
them to be able to work throughthis stuff and talk about this
stuff, so you have to be able tomodel that for them, and this
is a great opportunity albeit adifficult and challenging one to
do something like that andshare with them that, hey, I'm
having a tough day.
Even if you let them see youbreak down and cry which was a
(06:15):
hard thing for me to do thefirst time with my daughters it
was much more healthy and a muchmore positive thing for them to
be able to see that.
So, dealing with the emotionalturmoil, the second struggle
you're likely to face is feelinglike you're letting your kids
(06:38):
down.
This was a huge one for me andone that really was a source of
a lot of the shame that I felt.
You might feel shame or guiltfor the upheaval your kids are
experiencing.
You might wonder if they blameyou or if they'll be okay in the
long run.
I can definitively tell you,not only from my experience with
(07:01):
my children, but also inworking with thousands of other
guys that children are resilientand they will be okay, even if
you're experiencing them havingsome struggles or having some
emotional issues or acting outor whatever, or whatever age
(07:24):
appropriate behavior that theymight be going through.
They're going through their ownthing too, so that's perfectly
fine as well, but I guaranteeyou they are resilient and they
will be okay.
So how do you handle thisfeeling like you're letting your
kids down, your kids down?
(07:50):
The first thing I would say isshow up, even when it's hard,
and your kids don't needperfection, they need
consistency.
Let me say that again your kidsdon't need perfection, they
need consistency.
So us, as fathers, what webring is that sense of being a
rock, a consistent foundationthat we will be there over and
over and over again.
We're not going to be thereperfectly every time, but if we
(08:14):
try to be present and listen andkeep our promises, that
consistency is the one thing,that one of the greatest things
that they are looking to us for.
And it doesn't have to beperfect, but just showing up and
being there is okay, even ifyou are struggling, like I said,
(08:36):
even if you're struggling,showing up, being there, sharing
that with them, that you mightbe struggling.
It might be a difficult time,but it's going to be okay.
That is huge for them.
Second part of this is remindyourself that divorce doesn't
mean broken.
This is hopefully a mindsetthat is going away, because you
(09:01):
hear broken marriages, failedmarriages, language like that
which is unhealthy.
A two household family can stillbe a loving, stable environment
if you focus on quality timeand emotional support so you can
create that.
It is incumbent upon you tocreate that.
We've had a couple of greatguests over the last couple of
(09:24):
weeks.
We've had a couple of greatguests over the last couple of
weeks, but the one aboutcreating your environment and
making that a comfortable andstable place for your kiddos
very important.
So just continue to show up,even when it's hard.
It doesn't have to be perfect,just be consistent.
And because it is atwo-household family does not
(09:45):
mean that anything is broken.
You can create that stableenvironment.
Just focus on when you're withthem, that quality time, that
emotional support, being present, listening, and make sure to
keep your promises.
Number three co-parentingchallenges.
Interacting with your ex,especially if it's contentious,
(10:07):
can be one of the hardest parts.
Disagreements about parentingstyles, schedules or finances
can create tension.
So how do you handle this,particularly if it's a
high-conflict divorce and you'llbe parallel parenting and not
co-parenting?
And if you're not familiar withthe difference between
(10:29):
co-parenting, parallel parenting, go back.
We've got a couple of episodesabout the differences, what
those definitions are and howyou can handle it in specific
detail.
I'm going to give you threebrief ones here.
But this is one that juststresses people out.
But this is one that juststresses people out,
(10:49):
particularly because you'redealing with all the emotions of
the end of the relationship andthen you're having to co-parent
with that person and so there'sjust all kinds of dynamics that
go on with that.
The first I would say is keepcommunication business-like.
Treat it like a professionalrelationship.
If you gotta just figure outhow you're gonna get yourself
(11:10):
into that mental, emotionalstate prior to transitions or
communicating or whatever itmight be, just stick to the
facts, stay respectful and avoidpersonal confrontations or
personal attacks.
It's okay to talk aboutbehaviors and to share behaviors
(11:31):
that you're not comfortablewith or you don't agree with,
but when you do that, just makesure that it is done in a
professional manner.
That is just the facts, andthat it's respectful and you're
not attacking.
Now that's difficult.
I understand that it'srespectful and you're not
attacking.
Now that's difficult, Iunderstand, and it's challenging
and there's a lot of emotionsthat get charged in that, but if
(11:51):
you can try to do that, thatwill be very helpful.
There's some tools, too, thatyou can use if necessary, like
apps like Our Family Wizard orTalking Parents that keep your
communications organized andreduces the conflict.
It helps you to keep track ofthem.
You can also write out themessages, leave them.
(12:14):
I always think that's a goodidea Write the message, wait 24
hours and then reread it andrevise it if necessary.
The last is don't use your kidsas messengers.
It's incumbent upon you, as theadult, to be the ones the
adults to be the ones that arecommunicating about things.
Keep them out of the adultconflicts to protect their
(12:38):
emotional well-being, and so,even if that's not happening on
the other side, you can saysomething like I'm so sorry that
your mother is sharing thesethings with you or that she is
discussing this stuff with you,but this is adult stuff that
your mom and I will take care of.
So if kids bring it up whichthey will do, especially if you
(12:58):
have somebody that is notabiding by this and not creating
a healthy situation for thekiddos.
You can point out the behavioragain that it's not appropriate
and that you're sorry that thatis happening.
But you don't need to discusswith them what is going on or
what they might be bringing upto you if it is not appropriate
for them to be in the middle ofit.
(13:19):
So that's perfectly, perfectlyfine, and just make sure not to
do that yourself.
Okay, number four is financialstruggles.
This is a huge one.
There's going to definitely bea financial gut punch when you
go through divorce, because it'sa simple math equation One
house into two is more expensivewith the same amount of income.
(13:43):
So you might be adjusting tochild support payments, the
legal fees or reduced income dueto splitting the assets,
whatever it might be.
But there's going to be adifference and there's going to
be a change for most of you.
And how can you handle it?
First is get on creating arealistic budget, list out your
essentials and cutnon-essentials if needed.
(14:06):
So the earlier you get in frontof this and pay attention to
this, it's going to do a couplethings.
First, it's going to help youthrough the process of splitting
assets, but also, if there'ssome sort of negotiation going
on during the divorce to reallyknow what you can and need to
(14:26):
fight for in order to have acomfortable life post-divorce.
Putting yourself in a badsituation or becoming a martyr
to just get the process done orfor whatever reason, sets
yourself up for a difficultpost-divorce, and that's not
healthy for your kiddos.
If you're stressed out aboutfinances or you've got to pick
(14:48):
up extra jobs or you just haveno money, and that is weighing
on you, that weighs on everybody.
So if you're in survival modeall the time, then that's going
to make it difficult for you tobe present, to be able to listen
, to do what you need to do as adad.
So make sure to get in front ofthat and and then that's going
(15:10):
to set you up by creating thatrealistic budget that's going to
help you to know and understandwhat you got to negotiate for
and the lifestyle then that youcan and want to create then post
divorce.
So do that sooner than later.
Don't bury your head in thesand on that.
The next would be don't beafraid to ask for help around
finances.
Find a financial advisor or afriend, somebody that can help
(15:32):
you plan for stability andgrowth.
Some of us are great at it.
Some of us are not great at it,so if you are great at it,
terrific, get on it.
Make sure to do it.
If you're not, seek out help.
And here's a funny thing,fellas, is that you're going to
be amazed by the number ofpeople that are willing to give
you help if you ask.
(15:53):
There are so many people thathave gone through this difficult
and challenging time thatthey're going to be more than
happy to help you through it andshare whatever they can to
facilitate the process for youand help you out.
So don't be afraid to ask forhelp, and by and large, every
single guy that I ever talked tothat has been afraid to ask for
(16:16):
help and then has asked forhelp has been just amazed that
so many people were therewilling to help out.
So don't be afraid.
It's a sign of strength, not asign of weakness.
The last is teach your kidsfinancial responsibility, and so
we talk about this as divorceis an opportunity for lots of
(16:37):
things, and I know that's againhard to get your mind around
sometimes, but you can use thisas a chance to show them how to
manage money wisely and adjustwhen needed.
That's going to happen in theirlifetime.
It happens in all of ourlifetimes and, again, our goal
is to help them to becomehealthy, functioning adults.
(16:57):
So using this time to sharewith them again, age
appropriately, things that mightbe happening, and teaching them
how to manage their moneywisely and adjust when needed,
is an opportunity that is goingto serve them in their adult
life.
I was having a conversationthis week with my daughters and
(17:21):
we were talking about eatinghealthy, and I really appreciate
what one of my daughters said.
She said you know, daddy, evenwhen we didn't have a lot of
money, we ate healthy, and sothat made me happy and proud for
a couple of reasons.
One is that we talk abouteating healthy and taking care
of bodies and stuff, so that'sthat's been impressed upon her,
(17:42):
but also that it doesn't have tobe expensive, that you and that
that she did recognize andunderstood that, even though we
were struggling and we did havedifficulties, that we were
making sure to do what it isthat we for your kids.
It's not the opportunity that Iwould have chosen right Going
(18:12):
into, into having kids and andand the life that I had planned,
but this is how it worked outand it's just crazy how how
things work and it works to thepositive.
So, so just if you can adoptthat mindset and I know that
it's hard, depending on whereyou're at in the process but
(18:33):
there is opportunity in all ofthis difficulty and challenging
situation.
Isolated or like you've lostyour identity, or both actually,
I would say.
By and large, I would sayeverybody struggles with
(18:57):
loneliness post-divorce,especially if you're in a
full-time household with yourkids in a family dynamic and
structure.
Those quiet nights alone then,when you don't have the kids and
then you don't have your spousethere anymore, then can
sometimes just be challengingand even unbearable.
(19:19):
So how can we handle that?
The first is make sure not toself-isolate.
So, if you have opportunities,reconnect with yourself through
hobbies and passions oractivities that you may have
neglected or ones that you canpick up and start doing, but do
(19:42):
not self-isolate yourself intojust being alone.
The second would be build asupport network.
We talk about this all the time.
Lean on your friends, join adad's group like the Divorced
Advocate Community, or seecommunity spaces where you feel
understood.
Meetupcom is a great place.
Eventbrite is a great place tolook and see different clubs and
(20:07):
groups that are going on.
Your church community is agreat one as well.
They've always got differentclubs and groups that are going
on.
Your church community is agreat one as well.
They've always got differenttypes of groups that may have
things going on as well, butjust find some support, build a
support network and connect withpeople.
And the last one is the one thatyou hear me preach over and
(20:27):
over and over and over and overand over and over again and it's
the first question I ask whenI'm doing one-on-ones with guys
is prioritizing your self care?
Eat well, get enough, rest,stay active.
It is much easier to be therefor your kids when you're taking
care of yourself.
It's that mentality.
If you got to put the oxygenmask on yourself before you put
(20:49):
it on somebody else, you're notgoing to be able to be there and
help them if you are not in amentally, emotionally,
physically and spiritually solidplace.
And it doesn't have to beperfect, right, it just needs to
be ever increasingly improving.
But you're not going to be ableto be there for them if you're
(21:11):
not taking care of some of thosethings Again, not perfectly,
you just need to be consistentand be there for them.
So here's the long and short ofit.
Fellas is struggling doesn'tmake you a bad dad.
You're going to strugglethrough this process.
You're going to strugglepost-divorce.
It is a big, huge change.
(21:33):
I struggled.
Every single dad that I'vetalked to that has gone through
it struggles.
You are going to struggle andthat's okay.
You're not a bad dad.
It does not make you a bad dad.
It makes you a real dad.
So your kids don't need superdad.
They don't need a superhero.
There's no such thing.
They need a father who showsthem that the challenges are
(21:55):
part of life and that they canbe faced with resiliency and
humility and growth.
So when they see youacknowledge your mistakes, work
through the hardships and stillshow up for them, they learn
that life isn't mistakes.
Work through the hardships andstill show up for them.
They learn that life isn'tabout never falling, it's about
(22:19):
getting back up.
I know that seems cliche and itsounds cliche, but it is an
absolute truth that it is anabsolute truth.
They're going to have hardshipsin their adult life and what you
want them to do is be able toget up from those hardships and
continue on.
And this is your opportunity toshow them that they see that
emotions aren't to be feared butto be understood.
(22:40):
So by sharing with them aboutthat, then that helps them to be
able to share about theirs andunderstand more about theirs.
They see that change isn't theend.
It's just the start of a newchapter.
That is huge.
Gentlemen, this can be seen asthe start of a new chapter that
they will know and there's goingto be so much change through
(23:02):
their lives that they will beable to see and know that, by
adapting and dealing with thisdifficult change, that there can
be some positives and hugepotential positive outcomes on
the backside.
So finally, fellas, giveyourself grace.
You're not failing, you'readapting and in doing so, you're
(23:25):
teaching your children one ofthe greatest lessons of all how
to navigate life's storms withstrength and heart.
Gentlemen, stay strong.
You've got this.
If you found some value in whatI shared with you today, please
share it far and wide on socialmedia.
Give us a star rating on apodcast platform that you're
(23:45):
listening to.
Even give us a comment.
That would help as well.
That you're listening to.
Even give us a comment.
That would help as well.
But let's share the messagewith more dads that are going
through or post-divorce so thatthey can get the help that they
need as well.
Thank you so much for listening.
I sincerely appreciate it.
God bless and have a great week.
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