March 31, 2025 • 29 mins
Dating after divorce is a different game, especially when you're a father. You have more at stake than just your personal happiness—you need to think about how a new relationship will impact your children, your stability, and your future. The woman you choose to date should not only align with your personal goals but also integrate well into your family. Here’s a breakdown of the types of women that may be beneficial to your situation and those who are better suited for recreational dating rather than marriage.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello and welcome to the show.
Thank you for tuning in thisweek and we've got a great topic
.
It is dating as a divorced dadfinding the right woman for you
and your family.
I know that some of youlistening probably this is the
last thing on your mind, sothat's okay, but there's some
good tips and tidbits in herefor you to put in the back of
(00:23):
your mind when you're goingthrough this process, because I
think most guys that I talk towant to have a healthy and good,
positive relationship, romanticrelationship once they're
finished with their divorce,post-divorce in Life 2.0.
(00:45):
So just put it in the back ofyour mind.
If you're not there.
If you are there, then I've gotquite a bit to talk about on
this and this is only going tobe the tip of the iceberg.
But before we jump in, let mewelcome some new folks.
We've got a bunch of new folksthis week in the Divorced
Advvocate community.
That is Michael, catherine.
(01:07):
Yes, we do have quite a fewwomen in the community that do
share this information withtheir brothers, their friends,
their sons, et cetera, that needsome support going through
divorce.
So welcome, catherine.
Also, daniel Travis and James.
(01:30):
Welcome to the Divorce Advocatecommunity If you're not part of
the community.
Check it out atthedivorcedadvocatecom.
There are all kinds ofresources for you, wherever you
are at financially.
There are free resources, thereare paid resources.
It's just resources that youneed.
So get the help that youdeserve at
(01:51):
thedivorcedadvocatecom and checkit out.
All right.
So let's talk about finding theright woman for you and your
family.
Obviously, dating after divorceis a different game, depending
also on how long ago it was thatyou had been dating.
It is a whole different worldout there, but it is especially
(02:15):
when you're a father.
You have more at stake thanjust your personal happiness.
You need to think about how anew relationship will impact
your children, your stabilityand your future.
The woman you choose to dateshould not only align with your
personal goals, but alsointegrate well into your family,
(02:39):
and that there is a key thingabout the whole dating after
divorce.
So here's a breakdown of thetypes of women that may be
beneficial to your situation andthose who are better suited for
recreational dating rather thanmarriage.
This is all going to dependupon what your goal is.
(03:02):
Depend upon what your goal is,what your values are and what
you want to see and how you wantto proceed in your life 2.0
after divorce.
First let's talk about womenthat may be a good fit, and then
we will talk about women thatmay not be a good fit, that you
might want to just considerdating casually and may not be
(03:25):
suitable for marriage.
First, women that may be a goodfit, and there's really only
one category as far as I'mconcerned, and those are women
without children.
And while this might seemcounterintuitive, women without
children actually blend moreeasily into your family dynamic,
especially if they're open todating a man with kids.
(03:49):
If they're not open to that,that's understandable and we're
going to touch on that in thesecond half of this.
But the reason why is theydon't come with their own set of
co-parenting challenges.
Come with their own set ofco-parenting challenges, custody
(04:11):
schedules or emotional baggagefrom an ex-husband that they
have to see and deal with on aregular basis.
So if your household is alreadystable and that's key
introducing someone new withoutextra complications can create a
smoother transition for yourkids.
However, it's crucial that shegenuinely embraces the idea of
(04:32):
being a stepmother figure if therelationship progresses toward
marriage.
Gentlemen, that unless you areinterested in somebody and get
to know somebody to the extentthat you want to have them in a
long-term relationship or youwant to get married to them,
(04:52):
that you do not introduce themto your kiddos until such time,
and that takes months, if notyears, of dating before that can
happen.
I speak from making thismistake myself, so take heed on
that for sure it has an impacton your kiddos, dr Robert.
(05:12):
So, on this point of embracingthe motherhood and also making
this transition of somebody thatcan fit into your environment,
dr Robert Glover, who's theauthor of no More Mr Nice Guy,
which is a fantastic book that Ihighly recommend, and he talks
(05:34):
about this.
He emphasizes the importance ofa man creating his own life and
environment rather than moldinghimself to fit a woman's
expectations.
So the principle is especiallyrelevant for divorced dads.
For you, gentlemen, yourhousehold already has an
(05:54):
established rhythm, traditionsand parenting structure, and you
hear me talk about it all thetime, and for those of you that
are going through it, it mightnot be quite there yet, but you
are working on it, if you'relistening and implementing what
we talk about in this, on thispodcast.
(06:15):
So any woman who enters intoyour life should fit into that,
not the other way around.
So this is very, very important.
She should respect thestructure you've built for your
children rather than attemptingto pose her own vision of family
life.
So, additionally, a womanwithout children may have more
(06:38):
flexibility in doing just thatwhich is adjusting to your
lifestyle, provided she ismature enough to handle the
reality of dating a father, andthat's really, really important.
She must be willing to embraceyour role as a dad and not see
your children as competition forattention.
The right woman, fellas, willrecognize that and she will
(07:03):
recognize that she is joining analready established family unit
and will seek to enhance itrather than disrupt it.
Let me go through that lastsection again, because this is
important to keep in your mindwhen you are getting to know
somebody, when you are gettingto know their values, when you
(07:26):
are asking them questions, whichyou should be doing up front,
early on in the relationship andnot just kind of guessing about
what's going on.
A woman without children mayhave more flexibility in
adjusting to your lifestyle,provided she is mature enough to
handle the realities of datinga father.
Those realities are that youhave a job, that you're
(07:46):
balancing quite a bit, that youhave children, that you have
schedules, that you have an exthat you've got to deal with.
So she's got to be matureenough to handle the realities
of dating you.
She must be willing to embraceyour role as a dad and not see
your children as competition forattention.
This is hard these days in aworld of women that want nonstop
(08:09):
attention.
We see it on Instagram andFacebook and TikTok and
everywhere else around.
So be cognizant of that as ared flag and the right woman is
going to recognize that she'sjoining an already established
family unit and she will seekthis is the most important part
here.
I'm underlining it for myselfas well that she will seek to
(08:32):
enhance rather than disrupt it.
Now Dr Robert Glover talksabout in his book that she is
the icing on the cake.
That is not diminishinganything or any woman.
It's just that you have createdthis cake, this beautiful
environment and this lifestyle,and she is the icing on the cake
.
So something to keep in mind.
So that is a woman that will bea good fit to date after your
(08:58):
divorce.
Now let's talk about women thatmay not be a good fit, women to
date casually, that you mightnot want to consider or think
about getting into a long-termrelationship or even marry.
The first of those are a womanwho has no interest in a blended
family.
It seems really straightforward, and some women are going to be
(09:20):
upfront about not wanting totake on a motherly role, and
that's fine.
If they're just looking for funand you are clear about your
own boundaries and that's keythen that's fine.
Just don't expect anythinglong-term and don't try to get
into anything long-term.
Be cautious.
(09:41):
But here's the other thing is,some will say that and their
actions don't support it.
So make sure that the actionssupport what it is that they're
actually saying.
So some will be upfront aboutthat, but some won't be, and
their actions will not supportwhat they're doing.
Always look to the actions,gentlemen.
(10:01):
That's going to tell youexactly how she feels and what
she thinks about you and thesituation.
So, like I said, just don'texpect anything long-term.
It's fine.
This could be casual.
Just be very cautious about therisk of dating women who are
emotionally unavailable or maybeemotionally unstable and or do
(10:25):
not share your values.
A woman who lacks emotionalmaturity or stability can create
unnecessary drama and chaos inthese situations and with your
children.
And if she does not respectyour priorities as a father or
tries to create division or islooking for attention all the
time, it's best to keep yourdistance.
(10:48):
Ensuring that your values alignis essential to maintaining a
peaceful and drama-free personallife.
I am going to point you to thebook by Dr Sean Smith that is
the Tactical Guide to Women.
It is the best book that I'veever read for dating.
The first half of it talksexactly about that, which is
(11:10):
ensuring that your values align.
You need to know what yourvalues are in order to be able
to see if those align withsomebody, and the first half of
his book talks about how you cando that.
It's Dr Sean Smith, theTactical Guide to Women.
Read it, gentlemen.
Read it early.
Keep one on your shelf.
(11:31):
Go back and reference it.
It is all kinds of pearls ofwisdom and he's been on the show
multiple times.
Go back and look for some ofhis episodes, and actually we
should probably get him back onthe show here again soon.
Number two woman to datecasually, but maybe not for a
long-term relationship ormarriage.
That is, women who arefinancially unstable or just
(11:54):
looking for somebody as aprovider.
Not that being a providerprotector is a bad thing, but as
a divorced dad, you likelyalready have financial
obligations related to yourchildren and your ex.
Be wary of women who view youas a meal ticket rather than a
(12:15):
partner.
If she's consistentlystruggling to manage her own
finances, marriage could exposeyou to many unnecessary legal
and financial risks.
You do not want that and you donot want to repeat if you've
already had that happen a secondtime.
A woman who lacks financialresponsibility will bring
(12:37):
instability into your life,creating stress and more
unnecessary burdens.
If she has a history of debt,irresponsible spending or an
expectation that you will takecare of her financially without
contributing to the relationship, this is a major, major red
flag.
This is where you need to havethose conversations.
(13:00):
You need to ask those difficultand sometimes uncomfortable
questions early on when you aredating in order to find out and
understand her situation.
Additionally, some women maysee a financially stable, single
father as a safety net ratherthan a true partner, which can
lead to an imbalanced andunhealthy dynamic.
(13:22):
Again, all red flags, fellasthings that you got to be aware
of, things that you got to askquestions about and make
decisions about.
So it's crucial to observe howshe handles her money early on.
Again, that's key.
Does she live beyond her means?
Is she financially in distress?
Does she have unrealisticexpectations about finances,
(13:46):
lifestyle or your financial rolein her life.
These are critical questions.
Ask them before you get tooinvolved.
A solid relationship, fellas, isbuilt on mutual support, mutual
responsibility and notfinancial dependency.
All right, the last one thatyou should date casually may not
(14:11):
be one that is good for along-term relationship or for
marriage is single moms, andwhile this may be a surprise to
you, and it's definitely onethat is not touted out there it
may not be an ideal match, andthe reason being is due to
(14:32):
shared parent.
So, okay, let me go back.
While it might seem that singlemoms may seem like an ideal
match due to the fact that theyshare parenting experiences and
they might be co-parenting, youmight feel like they have a
knowledge or understanding aboutkids, et cetera, there are many
(14:58):
, many challenges to consider.
Let's talk about some of them,because society treats single
mothers and single fathers verydifferently.
Fellas Often and this is the bigone discounting the unique
strengths fathers bring toparenting.
We've talked about it manytimes on this podcast, and we've
(15:19):
talked about it mostly in thecontext of how important you are
in your kiddos' lives, in whyhow you parent as a father is
something that they can't getanywhere else.
This is not something that youhear, but it's also important
because there is this mentalityout there held by many women,
(15:40):
many single women, singlemothers and so that often
discount the unique strengthfathers bring to parenting.
So many single mothers are usedto just making unilateral
decisions and they may expectyou to conform to their
(16:02):
parenting style, which is verydifferent than your parenting
style, and they want you to dothat rather than embracing your
masculine, your naturalmasculine approach to fatherhood
.
So if she does not recognizeand respect the differences in
how men and women parents, or ifshe expects you to defer to her
(16:27):
decisions rather thanco-parenting as equals, you
should absolutely positivelystay away Again, setting those
boundaries up front early,talking about those and knowing
and understand that this is notsomebody that I should get into
a long-term relationship with orshould consider for marriage.
A woman who truly understandsthe differences between what men
(16:53):
with dads and moms bring toparenting and is willing to
embrace your leadership inparenting may be an exception.
Okay, so she has to understandthose things and she may be the
exception.
The challenge is that's not aton of what's out there, so it's
(17:16):
crucial to assess her mindsetbefore committing to anything
serious.
So let's talk about how you cangauge her perspective on
fatherhood, and that is simplyby observing her relationship
with her ex.
Does she encourage and supporther children spending time with
(17:38):
their father?
Does she speak respectfullyabout him in front of the kids,
acknowledging his role in theirlives, or does she make
co-parenting difficult, usingthe children as leverage or
undermining his authority?
A woman who respects theimportance of a father's role,
even if her relationship withher ex did not work out, is more
(18:00):
likely to appreciate andsupport your role as a father.
If she fosters a healthyco-parenting dynamic with her ex
, it's a strong indication thatshe values fatherhood and won't
create unnecessary friction whenit comes to your own parenting
approach.
So be very, very careful withthis gentleman, because this is
(18:24):
one of the most difficult andchallenging circumstances and, I
believe, the biggestmisconception out there that oh
yes, single moms, that's theperfect situation, that's the
perfect person, because they'reparenting and they understand
all that.
I believe that to be a fallacybecause of what we just
described.
There are differences and thereare differences in how
(18:47):
parenting would be doing fathersand mothers work, and it's also
the societal thing in which howfather's parent is being very,
very discounted, which, howfather's parent is being very,
very discounted.
So, again, you've got to bepaying attention, you've got to
be asking questions, you need tobe discerning and you need to
(19:10):
be making smart choices.
So, on that last note of smartchoices, let's talk, now that
we've talked about potentiallygood partners and people that
are someone that could be along-term relationship or
marriage, and ones that youshould maybe be very cognizant
or very wary of being inrelationships.
(19:31):
Let's talk about protectingyourself from legal pitfalls,
because a long-term relationship, or even marriage, is a serious
commitment and, as a divorcedfather, you should be extremely
cautious before entering anotherlegally binding agreement.
The court system favors mothersin custody battles, and if your
(19:51):
first divorce was a toughlesson in that reality, you
don't want to repeat the samemistake.
So, before considering gettinginto a long-term relationship
with someone, or even marryingthem, let's talk about a few
things.
First is consider a prenuptialagreement.
It's not about a lack of love.
It's about ensuring yourchildren's future and the
(20:14):
environment that you've createdfor them is protected.
A prenuptial agreement cansafeguard the assets you've
worked hard to build, ensuringthat your children's financial
stability is not jeopardized bya potential second divorce.
Without one, you could facesignificant legal and financial
consequences if things don'twork out and look guys, the
(20:37):
cards are stacked against you.
Work out and look guys, thecards are stacked against you.
If you're going through it, youmay have already experienced
that, but be upfront about thisfrom the beginning.
If she resents the idea, itcould be a red flag off the bat
regarding her true intentions,so bring it up Again.
Have those difficult and thoseuncomfortable conversations
(20:57):
early on difficult and thoseuncomfortable conversations
early on.
The next is take your time.
Rushing into a long-termrelationship or second marriage
could be even riskier than thefirst.
It's easy to fall into the trapof wanting companionship or
stability or help with the kidsor whatever it might be.
But don't let your emotionscloud your judgment.
(21:19):
I speak from experience on this.
Really, take your time.
Observe how she handlesdisagreements, how she handles
financial decisions, how shehandles your role as a father,
if she's patient andunderstanding or if she
pressures you into makingcommitments before you're ready.
(21:41):
Those are two things that youneed to be cognizant of.
A long-term relationship shouldfeel stable and balanced, not
rushed or forced.
Let me say that again Along-term relationship should
feel stable and balanced, notrushed or forced.
Think about this in the contextof building constructing
(22:03):
something like a house or abuilding.
A firm foundation will bestable and balanced, right.
It takes time to build thatstable and balanced foundation.
You cannot rush building thatfoundation for anything, whether
(22:25):
it's construction orrelationships.
You do not rush it and do notforce it.
Okay, take your time.
Another is watch for the redflags.
Do not ignore the red flags ifshe's pushing for a long-term
relationship or marriage, ormore time, and is overly
interested in your financialsituation or maybe dismisses
(22:49):
your concerns about custody andfinances.
Be very, very cautious.
Dr Sean Smith talks about redflags to pay attention to.
He also talks about green flagsin much more detail than I'm
talking about today in his book,also the tactical guide to
women, so check that out.
(23:09):
That's the second half of thebook, which is absolutely
tremendous.
Pay attention to how she reactswhen you discuss your children's
well-being and your need forlegal protections.
If she's not interested, if shedoesn't want to have
conversations about it, she'snot asking about your kids and
their well-being.
That is a big red flag.
If she becomes defensive ordownplays your concerns, she may
(23:33):
not have your best interest atheart.
Look for consistency in heractions.
Okay, this is another one.
This is a red flag foremotional instability.
Does she respect yourboundaries or does she subtly
manipulate situations to heradvantage?
Or just in general?
(23:54):
A healthy relationship shouldenhance your life.
She should enhance your lifethe icing on the cake, not
introduce new risks oruncertainty or chaos or
disruptions.
I'll say that again A healthyrelationship should include her
enhancing your life, notintroducing new risks or
(24:16):
uncertainties or chaos ordisruption.
All right, and finally, if youhaven't already started to work
on it and figure it out beforeany of this happens, you need to
learn from your pastrelationship.
Before jumping into a new one,especially one that's going to
be a long-term relationship orpotentially a marriage, take the
(24:39):
time to deeply reflect on whyyour marriage did not work.
Many men, and me included, rushinto a new relationship without
addressing the underlyingissues, that relational dynamic
that contributed to theirdivorce, only to find themselves
repeating the same mistake.
(25:00):
I finally got to the pointwhere it was like, hey, there's
one common denominator it's thesame woman I'm attracting, the
same relational dynamic.
And until I change myself,until I figure out how to break
that relational dynamic, I'mgonna keep having the same
relationship, and only when Ifigured that out did I have much
better and healthierrelationships.
(25:21):
So self-awareness is crucial inensuring that history does not
repeat itself.
Some things for you to askyourself, fellas.
What specific issues led to thebreakdown of my marriage?
Was it poor communication?
Mismatched values which is abig one that often happens or
(25:42):
unaddressed conflicts, thingsthat were ignored?
Were there red flags that Iignored early on?
Did I overlook behaviors thatlater became significant
problems and not address them?
Did I not take leadership inthat, in paying attention to
those bringing those up havingthose difficult and
uncomfortable conversations?
Did I establish and enforcehealthy boundaries, or did I
(26:04):
allow dysfunction to persist?
What did I need in a partnernow?
What do I need in a partner nowversus what I wanted before?
Have my priorities shiftedsince my divorce, which probably
they have Again?
That book from Dr Sean Smith isgoing to be a great one for you
to assess that.
How did I contribute to thefailure of my marriage?
(26:26):
That's a great question.
And what personal growth do Ineed before committing to
someone new?
Those are just a slew ofquestions that you can ask Again
.
Get Dr Smith's book, go throughit, learn and assess what those
values are?
Ask yourself some of thesequestions.
All right, my final thoughts.
Dating as a divorced dad isn'tjust about what you want.
(26:49):
You might want companionship,you might be lonely, but you've
got many, many more things thatyou've gotta consider.
There are a lot more risksinvolved this time around.
It's about what's best for notonly yourself, but also your
many more things that you've gotto consider.
There are a lot more risksinvolved this time around.
It's about what's best for notonly yourself, but also your
family.
Choosing the right type of womancan make all the difference in
creating a peaceful andfulfilling life after divorce.
(27:13):
It can be fantastic andglorious.
It can help you model for yourchildren a healthy and
functional relationship that youwant them to have when they're
adults.
So it is a good and positivething.
But, as you know, becauseyou're going through this or
you've gone through this, whoyou pick is critical.
A strong, healthy relationshipcan add value to your life, but
(27:36):
only if it's built on that rightfoundation that we talked about
.
All right, fellas, I hope youfound some value in this episode
this week.
If you did, please share it farand wide with other divorced or
divorcing dads.
Share it on social media Pause.
Give us a star rating or acomment that helps us immensely.
Check out the website atdivorcedadvocatecom.
(27:59):
Get involved in the communityand get the support that you
deserve and need.
Thank you so much for listeningthis week.
God bless.
Hello and welcome to the show.
Thank you for tuning in thisweek and we've got a great topic
.
It is dating as a divorced dadfinding the right woman for you
and your family.
I know that some of youlistening probably this is the
last thing on your mind, sothat's okay, but there's some
good tips and tidbits in herefor you to put in the back of
(00:23):
your mind when you're goingthrough this process, because I
think most guys that I talk towant to have a healthy and good,
positive relationship, romanticrelationship once they're
finished with their divorce,post-divorce in Life 2.0.
(00:45):
So just put it in the back ofyour mind.
If you're not there.
If you are there, then I've gotquite a bit to talk about on
this and this is only going tobe the tip of the iceberg.
But before we jump in, let mewelcome some new folks.
We've got a bunch of new folksthis week in the Divorced
Advvocate community.
That is Michael, catherine.
(01:07):
Yes, we do have quite a fewwomen in the community that do
share this information withtheir brothers, their friends,
their sons, et cetera, that needsome support going through
divorce.
So welcome, catherine.
Also, daniel Travis and James.
(01:30):
Welcome to the Divorce Advocatecommunity If you're not part of
the community.
Check it out atthedivorcedadvocatecom.
There are all kinds ofresources for you, wherever you
are at financially.
There are free resources, thereare paid resources.
It's just resources that youneed.
So get the help that youdeserve at
(01:51):
thedivorcedadvocatecom and checkit out.
All right.
So let's talk about finding theright woman for you and your
family.
Obviously, dating after divorceis a different game, depending
also on how long ago it was thatyou had been dating.
It is a whole different worldout there, but it is especially
(02:15):
when you're a father.
You have more at stake thanjust your personal happiness.
You need to think about how anew relationship will impact
your children, your stabilityand your future.
The woman you choose to dateshould not only align with your
personal goals, but alsointegrate well into your family,
(02:39):
and that there is a key thingabout the whole dating after
divorce.
So here's a breakdown of thetypes of women that may be
beneficial to your situation andthose who are better suited for
recreational dating rather thanmarriage.
This is all going to dependupon what your goal is.
(03:02):
Depend upon what your goal is,what your values are and what
you want to see and how you wantto proceed in your life 2.0
after divorce.
First let's talk about womenthat may be a good fit, and then
we will talk about women thatmay not be a good fit, that you
might want to just considerdating casually and may not be
(03:25):
suitable for marriage.
First, women that may be a goodfit, and there's really only
one category as far as I'mconcerned, and those are women
without children.
And while this might seemcounterintuitive, women without
children actually blend moreeasily into your family dynamic,
especially if they're open todating a man with kids.
(03:49):
If they're not open to that,that's understandable and we're
going to touch on that in thesecond half of this.
But the reason why is theydon't come with their own set of
co-parenting challenges.
Come with their own set ofco-parenting challenges, custody
(04:11):
schedules or emotional baggagefrom an ex-husband that they
have to see and deal with on aregular basis.
So if your household is alreadystable and that's key
introducing someone new withoutextra complications can create a
smoother transition for yourkids.
However, it's crucial that shegenuinely embraces the idea of
(04:32):
being a stepmother figure if therelationship progresses toward
marriage.
Gentlemen, that unless you areinterested in somebody and get
to know somebody to the extentthat you want to have them in a
long-term relationship or youwant to get married to them,
(04:52):
that you do not introduce themto your kiddos until such time,
and that takes months, if notyears, of dating before that can
happen.
I speak from making thismistake myself, so take heed on
that for sure it has an impacton your kiddos, dr Robert.
(05:12):
So, on this point of embracingthe motherhood and also making
this transition of somebody thatcan fit into your environment,
dr Robert Glover, who's theauthor of no More Mr Nice Guy,
which is a fantastic book that Ihighly recommend, and he talks
(05:34):
about this.
He emphasizes the importance ofa man creating his own life and
environment rather than moldinghimself to fit a woman's
expectations.
So the principle is especiallyrelevant for divorced dads.
For you, gentlemen, yourhousehold already has an
(05:54):
established rhythm, traditionsand parenting structure, and you
hear me talk about it all thetime, and for those of you that
are going through it, it mightnot be quite there yet, but you
are working on it, if you'relistening and implementing what
we talk about in this, on thispodcast.
(06:15):
So any woman who enters intoyour life should fit into that,
not the other way around.
So this is very, very important.
She should respect thestructure you've built for your
children rather than attemptingto pose her own vision of family
life.
So, additionally, a womanwithout children may have more
(06:38):
flexibility in doing just thatwhich is adjusting to your
lifestyle, provided she ismature enough to handle the
reality of dating a father, andthat's really, really important.
She must be willing to embraceyour role as a dad and not see
your children as competition forattention.
The right woman, fellas, willrecognize that and she will
(07:03):
recognize that she is joining analready established family unit
and will seek to enhance itrather than disrupt it.
Let me go through that lastsection again, because this is
important to keep in your mindwhen you are getting to know
somebody, when you are gettingto know their values, when you
(07:26):
are asking them questions, whichyou should be doing up front,
early on in the relationship andnot just kind of guessing about
what's going on.
A woman without children mayhave more flexibility in
adjusting to your lifestyle,provided she is mature enough to
handle the realities of datinga father.
Those realities are that youhave a job, that you're
(07:46):
balancing quite a bit, that youhave children, that you have
schedules, that you have an exthat you've got to deal with.
So she's got to be matureenough to handle the realities
of dating you.
She must be willing to embraceyour role as a dad and not see
your children as competition forattention.
This is hard these days in aworld of women that want nonstop
(08:09):
attention.
We see it on Instagram andFacebook and TikTok and
everywhere else around.
So be cognizant of that as ared flag and the right woman is
going to recognize that she'sjoining an already established
family unit and she will seekthis is the most important part
here.
I'm underlining it for myselfas well that she will seek to
(08:32):
enhance rather than disrupt it.
Now Dr Robert Glover talksabout in his book that she is
the icing on the cake.
That is not diminishinganything or any woman.
It's just that you have createdthis cake, this beautiful
environment and this lifestyle,and she is the icing on the cake
.
So something to keep in mind.
So that is a woman that will bea good fit to date after your
(08:58):
divorce.
Now let's talk about women thatmay not be a good fit, women to
date casually, that you mightnot want to consider or think
about getting into a long-termrelationship or even marry.
The first of those are a womanwho has no interest in a blended
family.
It seems really straightforward, and some women are going to be
(09:20):
upfront about not wanting totake on a motherly role, and
that's fine.
If they're just looking for funand you are clear about your
own boundaries and that's keythen that's fine.
Just don't expect anythinglong-term and don't try to get
into anything long-term.
Be cautious.
(09:41):
But here's the other thing is,some will say that and their
actions don't support it.
So make sure that the actionssupport what it is that they're
actually saying.
So some will be upfront aboutthat, but some won't be, and
their actions will not supportwhat they're doing.
Always look to the actions,gentlemen.
(10:01):
That's going to tell youexactly how she feels and what
she thinks about you and thesituation.
So, like I said, just don'texpect anything long-term.
It's fine.
This could be casual.
Just be very cautious about therisk of dating women who are
emotionally unavailable or maybeemotionally unstable and or do
(10:25):
not share your values.
A woman who lacks emotionalmaturity or stability can create
unnecessary drama and chaos inthese situations and with your
children.
And if she does not respectyour priorities as a father or
tries to create division or islooking for attention all the
time, it's best to keep yourdistance.
(10:48):
Ensuring that your values alignis essential to maintaining a
peaceful and drama-free personallife.
I am going to point you to thebook by Dr Sean Smith that is
the Tactical Guide to Women.
It is the best book that I'veever read for dating.
The first half of it talksexactly about that, which is
(11:10):
ensuring that your values align.
You need to know what yourvalues are in order to be able
to see if those align withsomebody, and the first half of
his book talks about how you cando that.
It's Dr Sean Smith, theTactical Guide to Women.
Read it, gentlemen.
Read it early.
Keep one on your shelf.
(11:31):
Go back and reference it.
It is all kinds of pearls ofwisdom and he's been on the show
multiple times.
Go back and look for some ofhis episodes, and actually we
should probably get him back onthe show here again soon.
Number two woman to datecasually, but maybe not for a
long-term relationship ormarriage.
That is, women who arefinancially unstable or just
(11:54):
looking for somebody as aprovider.
Not that being a providerprotector is a bad thing, but as
a divorced dad, you likelyalready have financial
obligations related to yourchildren and your ex.
Be wary of women who view youas a meal ticket rather than a
(12:15):
partner.
If she's consistentlystruggling to manage her own
finances, marriage could exposeyou to many unnecessary legal
and financial risks.
You do not want that and you donot want to repeat if you've
already had that happen a secondtime.
A woman who lacks financialresponsibility will bring
(12:37):
instability into your life,creating stress and more
unnecessary burdens.
If she has a history of debt,irresponsible spending or an
expectation that you will takecare of her financially without
contributing to the relationship, this is a major, major red
flag.
This is where you need to havethose conversations.
(13:00):
You need to ask those difficultand sometimes uncomfortable
questions early on when you aredating in order to find out and
understand her situation.
Additionally, some women maysee a financially stable, single
father as a safety net ratherthan a true partner, which can
lead to an imbalanced andunhealthy dynamic.
(13:22):
Again, all red flags, fellasthings that you got to be aware
of, things that you got to askquestions about and make
decisions about.
So it's crucial to observe howshe handles her money early on.
Again, that's key.
Does she live beyond her means?
Is she financially in distress?
Does she have unrealisticexpectations about finances,
(13:46):
lifestyle or your financial rolein her life.
These are critical questions.
Ask them before you get tooinvolved.
A solid relationship, fellas, isbuilt on mutual support, mutual
responsibility and notfinancial dependency.
All right, the last one thatyou should date casually may not
(14:11):
be one that is good for along-term relationship or for
marriage is single moms, andwhile this may be a surprise to
you, and it's definitely onethat is not touted out there it
may not be an ideal match, andthe reason being is due to
(14:32):
shared parent.
So, okay, let me go back.
While it might seem that singlemoms may seem like an ideal
match due to the fact that theyshare parenting experiences and
they might be co-parenting, youmight feel like they have a
knowledge or understanding aboutkids, et cetera, there are many
(14:58):
, many challenges to consider.
Let's talk about some of them,because society treats single
mothers and single fathers verydifferently.
Fellas Often and this is the bigone discounting the unique
strengths fathers bring toparenting.
We've talked about it manytimes on this podcast, and we've
(15:19):
talked about it mostly in thecontext of how important you are
in your kiddos' lives, in whyhow you parent as a father is
something that they can't getanywhere else.
This is not something that youhear, but it's also important
because there is this mentalityout there held by many women,
(15:40):
many single women, singlemothers and so that often
discount the unique strengthfathers bring to parenting.
So many single mothers are usedto just making unilateral
decisions and they may expectyou to conform to their
(16:02):
parenting style, which is verydifferent than your parenting
style, and they want you to dothat rather than embracing your
masculine, your naturalmasculine approach to fatherhood
.
So if she does not recognizeand respect the differences in
how men and women parents, or ifshe expects you to defer to her
(16:27):
decisions rather thanco-parenting as equals, you
should absolutely positivelystay away Again, setting those
boundaries up front early,talking about those and knowing
and understand that this is notsomebody that I should get into
a long-term relationship with orshould consider for marriage.
A woman who truly understandsthe differences between what men
(16:53):
with dads and moms bring toparenting and is willing to
embrace your leadership inparenting may be an exception.
Okay, so she has to understandthose things and she may be the
exception.
The challenge is that's not aton of what's out there, so it's
(17:16):
crucial to assess her mindsetbefore committing to anything
serious.
So let's talk about how you cangauge her perspective on
fatherhood, and that is simplyby observing her relationship
with her ex.
Does she encourage and supporther children spending time with
(17:38):
their father?
Does she speak respectfullyabout him in front of the kids,
acknowledging his role in theirlives, or does she make
co-parenting difficult, usingthe children as leverage or
undermining his authority?
A woman who respects theimportance of a father's role,
even if her relationship withher ex did not work out, is more
(18:00):
likely to appreciate andsupport your role as a father.
If she fosters a healthyco-parenting dynamic with her ex
, it's a strong indication thatshe values fatherhood and won't
create unnecessary friction whenit comes to your own parenting
approach.
So be very, very careful withthis gentleman, because this is
(18:24):
one of the most difficult andchallenging circumstances and, I
believe, the biggestmisconception out there that oh
yes, single moms, that's theperfect situation, that's the
perfect person, because they'reparenting and they understand
all that.
I believe that to be a fallacybecause of what we just
described.
There are differences and thereare differences in how
(18:47):
parenting would be doing fathersand mothers work, and it's also
the societal thing in which howfather's parent is being very,
very discounted, which, howfather's parent is being very,
very discounted.
So, again, you've got to bepaying attention, you've got to
be asking questions, you need tobe discerning and you need to
(19:10):
be making smart choices.
So, on that last note of smartchoices, let's talk, now that
we've talked about potentiallygood partners and people that
are someone that could be along-term relationship or
marriage, and ones that youshould maybe be very cognizant
or very wary of being inrelationships.
(19:31):
Let's talk about protectingyourself from legal pitfalls,
because a long-term relationship, or even marriage, is a serious
commitment and, as a divorcedfather, you should be extremely
cautious before entering anotherlegally binding agreement.
The court system favors mothersin custody battles, and if your
(19:51):
first divorce was a toughlesson in that reality, you
don't want to repeat the samemistake.
So, before considering gettinginto a long-term relationship
with someone, or even marryingthem, let's talk about a few
things.
First is consider a prenuptialagreement.
It's not about a lack of love.
It's about ensuring yourchildren's future and the
(20:14):
environment that you've createdfor them is protected.
A prenuptial agreement cansafeguard the assets you've
worked hard to build, ensuringthat your children's financial
stability is not jeopardized bya potential second divorce.
Without one, you could facesignificant legal and financial
consequences if things don'twork out and look guys, the
(20:37):
cards are stacked against you.
Work out and look guys, thecards are stacked against you.
If you're going through it, youmay have already experienced
that, but be upfront about thisfrom the beginning.
If she resents the idea, itcould be a red flag off the bat
regarding her true intentions,so bring it up Again.
Have those difficult and thoseuncomfortable conversations
(20:57):
early on difficult and thoseuncomfortable conversations
early on.
The next is take your time.
Rushing into a long-termrelationship or second marriage
could be even riskier than thefirst.
It's easy to fall into the trapof wanting companionship or
stability or help with the kidsor whatever it might be.
But don't let your emotionscloud your judgment.
(21:19):
I speak from experience on this.
Really, take your time.
Observe how she handlesdisagreements, how she handles
financial decisions, how shehandles your role as a father,
if she's patient andunderstanding or if she
pressures you into makingcommitments before you're ready.
(21:41):
Those are two things that youneed to be cognizant of.
A long-term relationship shouldfeel stable and balanced, not
rushed or forced.
Let me say that again Along-term relationship should
feel stable and balanced, notrushed or forced.
Think about this in the contextof building constructing
(22:03):
something like a house or abuilding.
A firm foundation will bestable and balanced, right.
It takes time to build thatstable and balanced foundation.
You cannot rush building thatfoundation for anything, whether
(22:25):
it's construction orrelationships.
You do not rush it and do notforce it.
Okay, take your time.
Another is watch for the redflags.
Do not ignore the red flags ifshe's pushing for a long-term
relationship or marriage, ormore time, and is overly
interested in your financialsituation or maybe dismisses
(22:49):
your concerns about custody andfinances.
Be very, very cautious.
Dr Sean Smith talks about redflags to pay attention to.
He also talks about green flagsin much more detail than I'm
talking about today in his book,also the tactical guide to
women, so check that out.
(23:09):
That's the second half of thebook, which is absolutely
tremendous.
Pay attention to how she reactswhen you discuss your children's
well-being and your need forlegal protections.
If she's not interested, if shedoesn't want to have
conversations about it, she'snot asking about your kids and
their well-being.
That is a big red flag.
If she becomes defensive ordownplays your concerns, she may
(23:33):
not have your best interest atheart.
Look for consistency in heractions.
Okay, this is another one.
This is a red flag foremotional instability.
Does she respect yourboundaries or does she subtly
manipulate situations to heradvantage?
Or just in general?
(23:54):
A healthy relationship shouldenhance your life.
She should enhance your lifethe icing on the cake, not
introduce new risks oruncertainty or chaos or
disruptions.
I'll say that again A healthyrelationship should include her
enhancing your life, notintroducing new risks or
(24:16):
uncertainties or chaos ordisruption.
All right, and finally, if youhaven't already started to work
on it and figure it out beforeany of this happens, you need to
learn from your pastrelationship.
Before jumping into a new one,especially one that's going to
be a long-term relationship orpotentially a marriage, take the
(24:39):
time to deeply reflect on whyyour marriage did not work.
Many men, and me included, rushinto a new relationship without
addressing the underlyingissues, that relational dynamic
that contributed to theirdivorce, only to find themselves
repeating the same mistake.
(25:00):
I finally got to the pointwhere it was like, hey, there's
one common denominator it's thesame woman I'm attracting, the
same relational dynamic.
And until I change myself,until I figure out how to break
that relational dynamic, I'mgonna keep having the same
relationship, and only when Ifigured that out did I have much
better and healthierrelationships.
(25:21):
So self-awareness is crucial inensuring that history does not
repeat itself.
Some things for you to askyourself, fellas.
What specific issues led to thebreakdown of my marriage?
Was it poor communication?
Mismatched values which is abig one that often happens or
(25:42):
unaddressed conflicts, thingsthat were ignored?
Were there red flags that Iignored early on?
Did I overlook behaviors thatlater became significant
problems and not address them?
Did I not take leadership inthat, in paying attention to
those bringing those up havingthose difficult and
uncomfortable conversations?
Did I establish and enforcehealthy boundaries, or did I
(26:04):
allow dysfunction to persist?
What did I need in a partnernow?
What do I need in a partner nowversus what I wanted before?
Have my priorities shiftedsince my divorce, which probably
they have Again?
That book from Dr Sean Smith isgoing to be a great one for you
to assess that.
How did I contribute to thefailure of my marriage?
(26:26):
That's a great question.
And what personal growth do Ineed before committing to
someone new?
Those are just a slew ofquestions that you can ask Again
.
Get Dr Smith's book, go throughit, learn and assess what those
values are?
Ask yourself some of thesequestions.
All right, my final thoughts.
Dating as a divorced dad isn'tjust about what you want.
(26:49):
You might want companionship,you might be lonely, but you've
got many, many more things thatyou've gotta consider.
There are a lot more risksinvolved this time around.
It's about what's best for notonly yourself, but also your
many more things that you've gotto consider.
There are a lot more risksinvolved this time around.
It's about what's best for notonly yourself, but also your
family.
Choosing the right type of womancan make all the difference in
creating a peaceful andfulfilling life after divorce.
(27:13):
It can be fantastic andglorious.
It can help you model for yourchildren a healthy and
functional relationship that youwant them to have when they're
adults.
So it is a good and positivething.
But, as you know, becauseyou're going through this or
you've gone through this, whoyou pick is critical.
A strong, healthy relationshipcan add value to your life, but
(27:36):
only if it's built on that rightfoundation that we talked about
.
All right, fellas, I hope youfound some value in this episode
this week.
If you did, please share it farand wide with other divorced or
divorcing dads.
Share it on social media Pause.
Give us a star rating or acomment that helps us immensely.
Check out the website atdivorcedadvocatecom.
(27:59):
Get involved in the communityand get the support that you
deserve and need.
Thank you so much for listeningthis week.
God bless.
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