April 7, 2025 • 22 mins
If you're a divorced dad navigating custody or support issues, your attorney is one of your most important allies. But they’re not a mind reader. To get the best possible results, you need to communicate clearly, efficiently, and with purpose.
Here’s how to make that happen—and why it matters.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
That is Stephan, craig Fotis and Ryan.
Welcome to the community.
If you're not part of it yet,check out the website at
thedivorcedadvocatecom.
There are all kinds ofresources for you, from free to
paid, that will help you throughthis difficult and challenging
(00:23):
time.
Become a member of thecommunity.
There are expanded resourcesand some benefits to doing that
as well.
So we hope to see you behindthe paywall or even just on the
website checking things out likethe divorce quiz or the blog.
All right, we've done one or twoother episodes on how to select
(00:44):
your attorney and talking withattorneys, about communicating
with attorneys.
I wanted to just reiterate thatI had a couple of guys in the
group this week that are workingwith one specific law firm that
have had varying experienceswith them.
So I thought it would bepertinent because in in look,
(01:06):
some of it has nothing to dowith the attorney.
Some of it has nothing to dowith how you are communicating
with them or how you're showingup.
Some of it is just that to thefamily law court is a challenge
for dads in general, and youjust never know what your
outcome is.
So that is just to say that ifyou can stay out of court, that
(01:27):
is the best way to go about it,and you've heard me talk about
it and say it before.
If you can get to 80, 85% ofwhat you feel comfortable with
in a settlement, then go for it,because it can be much worse
than that sometimes.
But anyway, if you're adivorced dad, you know, if
you're in the middle of this,that navigating custody and
(01:47):
support issues is challenging,and your attorney is going to be
if you don't have one yet or is, one of your most important
allies, like I talk about.
It is one of the people on yourdivorce team.
You're the coach of this team.
You're going to be running it,you're going to be calling the
shots.
The attorney might be aquarterback or a running back
(02:08):
one of the more importantpositions there but they're also
not a mind reader, okay.
So, to get the best possibleresults, you need to be able to
communicate clearly, effectivelyand this last one is important
with specific purpose, and thatfalls into figuring out what you
(02:29):
want and how you want to getthere prior to meeting with them
, and one of the things thatyou've if you've listened to
enough episodes, particularlythe ones early on the five-step
process creating your vision anddirection of where you want to
go during and through andpost-divorce is really, really
important, so that you caneffectively communicate that, so
(02:52):
you can effectively implementthat in general, but communicate
that specifically with yourattorney, and so with purpose.
So you're going to need to beable to communicate clearly,
efficiently, but also withpurpose, and you don't want the
attorney to be telling you whatyour purpose is or what they've
(03:12):
seen before in court or whatthey.
You can ask their opinion, butyou need to drive this bus.
You need to be the ones that'sin charge.
So you got to have your purpose.
You got to know what directionyou want to move.
You want to know what youroutcomes are in mind before you
meet with them, before you hireone.
So let's talk a little bitabout how you can make that
(03:33):
happen and then also incommunicating why it matters
that you need to communicate,the first thing you need to do
is you need to know the law.
Even if you're not a lawyer,you don't need a law degree, you
don't need to know all thestatutes, but if you're walking
into conversations with yourattorney without a basic
understanding of the relevantstatutes, especially those ones
(03:57):
related to custody and parentingtime and child support, you're
starting from behind.
The biggest mistake I made itand so many do is that we just
depend upon them to tell us whatis happening, what the statutes
are, what they think andoftentimes this is just their
experience, their opinion, andnot necessarily what can happen
(04:21):
or what should happen based uponwhat is best for your
circumstances and your family.
No attorney is going to knowcompletely and wholly what is
best for your family.
You're going to have to makethat decision.
And when I started to learnthat and when I started to
figure that out and when Istarted to take charge and move
(04:42):
things in the direction, I evenhad attorneys say, hey, I would
have never done that, but itseemed to work out for you.
So again, that is just to saythat you need to be in charge,
and when you understand thelegal framework, you're better
equipped to do things like askthe right questions, challenge
(05:04):
assumptions when needed, like Isaid, understand what your
attorney is telling you.
And here's another big one,because it's very expensive,
you're going to avoid wastingtime and money on irrelevant
details, and then the otherthing that you'll be able to do
is you're going to be able tostrategize yourself.
That you'll be able to do isyou're going to be able to
(05:26):
strategize yourself.
Here is a common misconceptionabout attorneys is that they are
great strategists.
In your case, they are not.
There may be some attorneys andwe've got a guy in our group
that talks about attorneys thatare good in court and are good
litigators, and attorneys whoare good in settling and
(05:49):
facilitating things and gettingthings done.
He kind of just draws thedichotomy between the two and I
think generally that is prettyfair and accurate assessment.
So they're not going to, andespecially the ones that are the
ones that are good at settlingand facilitating and just
getting the process done are notgoing to be very good in court
(06:13):
and they're not going to be verygood at strategy, especially if
you have a high conflictsituation and you it's like a
chess game with a lot of movingpieces or it's high conflict and
you have somebody with somemental, emotional issues or a
personality disorder.
There is so much more that goesinto it than just knowing the
law and just knowing the process.
(06:33):
Basically, you got to take thisfrom the mindset of they know
the law, they know the process,that's what they're going to
help you with, but you need toknow what that process looks
like.
You need to generally know thestatute so that you can have
intelligent conversations.
Now, each state has its own setof family law statutes, but you
(06:55):
can find oftentimes in many ofthe places.
You can find these online andthen you can focus on the
sections that apply to theparenting time, the legal
decision making andmodifications.
But knowing even the basics isgoing to give you a lot of
leverage and then allow you towork that strategy.
The next thing you need to be isclear and direct.
(07:17):
Attorneys are trained toprocess facts right.
That's what I just described.
They don't need a fullemotional download.
One of the biggest mistakesthat men sometimes make dads
sometimes make is that they'retalking emotionally.
Now I feel like it's not Fromthe attorneys that I talked to.
It's not as much the case withdads and men as much, but still,
(07:43):
oftentimes we will and I havelet our emotions get involved in
it, and so you know they don'tneed an emotional download.
Save that for your therapist oryour support group.
Save that for your therapist oryour support group.
Instead, focus on deliveringspecifics specifics like dates
(08:11):
and incidents.
I've talked about how todocument the importance of
documentation, how to structurefiles and documentation through
this whole process.
You're going to have to do it.
If you haven't started it,start doing it and paying
attention to it.
Also, any documentedcommunications like texts and
emails.
Your goals realistic ones.
So when you sit down in thebeginning, if they're not asking
you what the goals are, ifthey're not going through that
(08:32):
with you which some of the goodones will, but not all of them
will you want to lay outspecifically what it is that you
want, what you're looking atfor parenting time, what you're
thinking about for how you'regoing to divide assets, et
cetera.
You're going to lay that allout.
So that's why it's also good tosit down, talk with a coach or
(08:53):
at least somebody who's beenthrough the process, to help you
kind of refine what it is thatyou want to do and that you want
to present to your attorney.
And then it's also, dependingupon the situation, good to have
that person then to bouncethings back and forth with and
strategize with as well, so thatyou can then make changes.
(09:15):
You know where to push, youknow where to agree, etc.
Changes, you know where to push, you know where to set, you
know where to agree, etc.
It just helps you to havesomebody in your corner that has
a global perspective of what'sgoing on.
That's why working with adivorce coach is really, really
huge.
I don't think I've ever heardsomebody who's worked with one
say that was not worth my timeor my money especially the money
(09:38):
because you're going to savepotentially tens of thousands of
dollars, depending upon yoursituation and depending upon the
outcome in court, if you workwith somebody that can help you
to mitigate that process and atthe very least, you're going to
save time and money with yourattorney and not having to ask
them the questions that youcould get answered by a coach.
(09:59):
So the long and short of that beclear and direct is get to the
point, stay organized and leaveout what doesn't serve your case
, which is a bunch of emotionalstuff.
Talk to your therapist aboutthat stuff, okay.
The next one is stay on top ofcommunication.
Don't ghost your attorney orwait until a deadline to respond
(10:21):
.
I hear this lots of times fromguys that are just whatever the
mental, emotional issue thatthey're going through are
ignoring things or hoping thingswork out or just burying their
head in the sand like an ostrich.
Just make sure that you payattention to stuff.
It's not going to go away andit's not going to get better
(10:41):
unless you take charge of this.
If you take charge of it andyou move it in the direction
that you'd like to see it, itmight not go exactly how you
want and you might not getexactly what it is that you
desire, but you're going to bemoving it in a direction that is
potentially more beneficial foryourself, because the other
direction means is that you'regoing to be moving it in a
direction that is potentiallymore beneficial for yourself,
because the other directionmeans is that you're just
(11:03):
accepting what's going to happen.
Now.
The flip side of that is avoidconstant unnecessary check-ins
with attorneys.
So it's a balance.
You don't want to be tradingemails with them every hour,
every single day, because that'scostly and expensive.
But if you know what thedeadlines are and they should be
letting you know what those areand you have them on your
(11:23):
calendar and you haveresponsibilities, like your
financial statements or anythingelse that you need to get done,
stay organized.
Stay organized with a calendar,stay organized with files
whether those are physical ordigital that help you to
facilitate that communication.
And if something changes, likeyour work schedule, your
(11:44):
co-parent's behavior, yourchild's needs, update your
attorney right away.
They can't advocate for you ifthey're in the dark or if it's
too late.
So if you find something that'salarming or worrisome, even if
you just want to document it Idid this oftentimes and I
recommend it highly is you canjust put an email that says I
(12:06):
want to document this and wantto give you an update on what's
going on.
Sometimes it's going to bebeneficial for them to be able
to utilize in courts.
Sometimes it's not going to be,but it might just at least help
them to kind of see andunderstand what might be
transpiring in your family'scircumstances and environment
(12:28):
through this process.
Because, again, look, they'renot thinking about you and your
family and your kids all thetime or after work, because a
couple of things.
One is they just have too manyclients to be doing that, and
the second part is that thatthey're just.
That is their job.
Their job is to think about youduring the billable time that
(12:49):
they're working on your case.
So if you can give them briefupdates on stuff like this, that
can help them to get somecontext around, maybe some
things that are happening, youcan.
You can just tell that I don'tneed a response like in big
letters in the beginning, but Iwanted to give you an update on
this or this is what's happened,or this circumstance or
(13:09):
situation occurred, and I justwant you to know so that they
can read it, document it andthen have it in the back of
their mind.
The next one is ask forclarification Another way to
effectively communicate withthem.
If you don't understandsomething, your attorney says
(13:31):
ask, ask, why, ask, how, askwhen, ask them to clarify for
you, and if they are not patientwith you and explaining these
to you, then find anotherattorney.
There is no shame in askingbecause, look, none of us,
(13:51):
hopefully, have been throughthis more than one time.
If we have, it's only a coupleof times.
Anytime you've done somethingonce or twice or three times,
you're never gonna know, you'renever gonna be good at it.
It's going to be disconcerting,it's going to be uncertain,
it's going to be something thatyou're not comfortable with.
So legal language can get verydense and, again, a good
(14:12):
attorney is going to explain itin very plain terms to you, and
your job is to speak up when youneed clarity.
So make sure to do that.
Do not absolutely positively,do not hesitate to ask what that
means.
Or, and look, if you don't getthe answer that you like the
first time, ask again and askagain, and if it doesn't make
(14:35):
sense, say I don't quiteunderstand that it doesn't make
sense until they can figure outhow to explain it to you or they
can find somebody that can.
So do not stay in the dark.
There are too many importantI's that need to be dotted and
T's that need to be crossed thatyou will need to make decisions
on, you'll need to be aware of,and that you'll be needing to
move in the direction that youneed to move, that you need to
(14:57):
know and be clear about all ofwhat's going on in your
situation.
Okay, so those are some waysthat are important and better
ways to communicate with yourattorney.
Let's talk about the benefitsand why that's important when
you're informed and clear.
(15:18):
Here are four good things thatcan happen.
I mentioned it before, but thenumber one good thing is and we
all love this in general in life, but particularly when we're
going through a divorce is thatyou're going to save money.
Less back and forth means fewerbillable hours.
It is just the nature of howthe system is designed.
(15:39):
Whether they win or lose, oryou think that they've done well
or not well, they are going toget paid.
So if you are effectively andclearly communicating with your
attorney, you are going to limitthe back and forth and limit
those billable hours and limitthe amount of money that you are
(16:00):
spending.
The next one is you're going tobuild trust, and this is a big
one also with attorneys.
Your attorney will see you'reserious, prepared and proactive.
Look, we all have some problems.
I guess it would be a consciousor unconscious bias around
(16:22):
different things People who areprepared, who seem serious, who
are on point in communications,who are proactive in doing stuff
we much prefer to work withbecause we know that things are
going to happen and get done.
That's going to be the same foryour attorney.
So if they have a choice offocusing more energy or time or
(16:43):
thought or whatever it might be,on one or another, if you are
the one that is prepared, youare the one that is
knowledgeable, you're the onethat is serious, you're the ones
proactive.
They're going to put thateffort towards you.
It just has nothing to do withthem.
It just you've built that trustand they're going to want to do
for you what they can to assist, because they know and they see
(17:05):
that you're serious aboutwhat's going on.
So that's another benefit.
The next one is you're going toget better outcomes.
Clear communication in allcircumstances in life leads to
stronger strategy and fewermistakes.
So you're going to have abetter outcome.
And keep in mind fellas buryingyour head in the sand on this,
(17:27):
it's not going to go away.
You are tied to this situationand whatever outcome and
whatever circumstances stem fromthe agreement or going to court
and the outcome in court so andthis could be, depending on the
age of your children fordecades so you want the most
(17:49):
positive outcome.
You want to position yourselfto garner the most positive
outcome.
Clear and effective and concisecommunication is going to get
you a better outcome.
The last one is it'll reduceyour stress.
When you know what's happeningand why, the whole process feels
less overwhelming.
Now I hope that you never getto the point where I'm at, which
(18:12):
is I've been in court so manytimes that I don't get stressed
about it.
I know what's going to go on.
I know what's happening.
I don't ever know what theoutcome is, because that's just
a crapshoot literally.
But I don't get stressedbecause I know the process and
that's just a matter of havingbeen there, done that so many
times, have been in court, beenin front of judge, been
(18:33):
cross-examined, been everything.
So hopefully you're never goingto get that, but the knowledge
is going to give you some peaceof mind and reduce your stress.
So, clearly, communicating withyour attorney and knowing what's
going on because you've askedthe questions, because they've
clearly explained to you,because they've helped you to
(18:55):
understand what it might be orwhere you're at in the case, etc
.
It might be or where you're atin the case, et cetera, is going
to help reduce your stress.
And, look, the whole thing isan incredibly stressful
situation and circumstance.
So anything that we can do tocontrol that is going to help.
So there's things that we cancontrol in this process.
There's things that we can'tcontrol.
(19:16):
We can't control the outcomes,we can't control our Xs, our
soon-to-be exes, but we cancontrol how we communicate
effectively and that will, inturn, reduce our stress.
All right, being a divorced dadis dad in the legal system can
feel like it doesn't feel likeit is an uphill battle, but one
(19:36):
of the most effective tools youhave is how you communicate Know
the law, know what you want,speak clearly, stay engaged.
That's how you help yourattorney, help you and, in turn,
help your kiddos.
I hope you found some value inthat today.
If you did, I would reallyappreciate if you would share
this far and wide.
(19:56):
Share it on social media.
We are coming up on five years.
We're going to have ananniversary podcast here five
years of this podcast, 260episodes, very soon.
So it's all a credit to yousharing this.
We are listened to all over theworld, in more than a hundred
countries and hundreds ofdifferent cities as well.
(20:19):
So please continue to sharethis so that everybody can,
every dad can get the help thathe deserves and that he needs.
And if you can take it one stepfurther, this would help.
I saw some on Spotify this week.
I appreciate it Is a starrating and even more a just a
brief comment or just somethingthat is encouraging about an
(20:42):
episode, some kind of briefcomment somewhere on whatever
podcast platform you'relistening to.
It just encourages other dadsthat are maybe looking for an
episode or just looking tolisten to tune in and get a
little bit of help.
So thank you, I sincerelyappreciate you.
Have a good week, a terrificweek, as good a week as you can,
and God bless.
That is Stephan, craig Fotis and Ryan.
Welcome to the community.
If you're not part of it yet,check out the website at
thedivorcedadvocatecom.
There are all kinds ofresources for you, from free to
paid, that will help you throughthis difficult and challenging
(00:23):
time.
Become a member of thecommunity.
There are expanded resourcesand some benefits to doing that
as well.
So we hope to see you behindthe paywall or even just on the
website checking things out likethe divorce quiz or the blog.
All right, we've done one or twoother episodes on how to select
(00:44):
your attorney and talking withattorneys, about communicating
with attorneys.
I wanted to just reiterate thatI had a couple of guys in the
group this week that are workingwith one specific law firm that
have had varying experienceswith them.
So I thought it would bepertinent because in in look,
(01:06):
some of it has nothing to dowith the attorney.
Some of it has nothing to dowith how you are communicating
with them or how you're showingup.
Some of it is just that to thefamily law court is a challenge
for dads in general, and youjust never know what your
outcome is.
So that is just to say that ifyou can stay out of court, that
(01:27):
is the best way to go about it,and you've heard me talk about
it and say it before.
If you can get to 80, 85% ofwhat you feel comfortable with
in a settlement, then go for it,because it can be much worse
than that sometimes.
But anyway, if you're adivorced dad, you know, if
you're in the middle of this,that navigating custody and
(01:47):
support issues is challenging,and your attorney is going to be
if you don't have one yet or is, one of your most important
allies, like I talk about.
It is one of the people on yourdivorce team.
You're the coach of this team.
You're going to be running it,you're going to be calling the
shots.
The attorney might be aquarterback or a running back
(02:08):
one of the more importantpositions there but they're also
not a mind reader, okay.
So, to get the best possibleresults, you need to be able to
communicate clearly, effectivelyand this last one is important
with specific purpose, and thatfalls into figuring out what you
(02:29):
want and how you want to getthere prior to meeting with them
, and one of the things thatyou've if you've listened to
enough episodes, particularlythe ones early on the five-step
process creating your vision anddirection of where you want to
go during and through andpost-divorce is really, really
important, so that you caneffectively communicate that, so
(02:52):
you can effectively implementthat in general, but communicate
that specifically with yourattorney, and so with purpose.
So you're going to need to beable to communicate clearly,
efficiently, but also withpurpose, and you don't want the
attorney to be telling you whatyour purpose is or what they've
(03:12):
seen before in court or whatthey.
You can ask their opinion, butyou need to drive this bus.
You need to be the ones that'sin charge.
So you got to have your purpose.
You got to know what directionyou want to move.
You want to know what youroutcomes are in mind before you
meet with them, before you hireone.
So let's talk a little bitabout how you can make that
(03:33):
happen and then also incommunicating why it matters
that you need to communicate,the first thing you need to do
is you need to know the law.
Even if you're not a lawyer,you don't need a law degree, you
don't need to know all thestatutes, but if you're walking
into conversations with yourattorney without a basic
understanding of the relevantstatutes, especially those ones
(03:57):
related to custody and parentingtime and child support, you're
starting from behind.
The biggest mistake I made itand so many do is that we just
depend upon them to tell us whatis happening, what the statutes
are, what they think andoftentimes this is just their
experience, their opinion, andnot necessarily what can happen
(04:21):
or what should happen based uponwhat is best for your
circumstances and your family.
No attorney is going to knowcompletely and wholly what is
best for your family.
You're going to have to makethat decision.
And when I started to learnthat and when I started to
figure that out and when Istarted to take charge and move
(04:42):
things in the direction, I evenhad attorneys say, hey, I would
have never done that, but itseemed to work out for you.
So again, that is just to saythat you need to be in charge,
and when you understand thelegal framework, you're better
equipped to do things like askthe right questions, challenge
(05:04):
assumptions when needed, like Isaid, understand what your
attorney is telling you.
And here's another big one,because it's very expensive,
you're going to avoid wastingtime and money on irrelevant
details, and then the otherthing that you'll be able to do
is you're going to be able tostrategize yourself.
That you'll be able to do isyou're going to be able to
(05:26):
strategize yourself.
Here is a common misconceptionabout attorneys is that they are
great strategists.
In your case, they are not.
There may be some attorneys andwe've got a guy in our group
that talks about attorneys thatare good in court and are good
litigators, and attorneys whoare good in settling and
(05:49):
facilitating things and gettingthings done.
He kind of just draws thedichotomy between the two and I
think generally that is prettyfair and accurate assessment.
So they're not going to, andespecially the ones that are the
ones that are good at settlingand facilitating and just
getting the process done are notgoing to be very good in court
(06:13):
and they're not going to be verygood at strategy, especially if
you have a high conflictsituation and you it's like a
chess game with a lot of movingpieces or it's high conflict and
you have somebody with somemental, emotional issues or a
personality disorder.
There is so much more that goesinto it than just knowing the
law and just knowing the process.
(06:33):
Basically, you got to take thisfrom the mindset of they know
the law, they know the process,that's what they're going to
help you with, but you need toknow what that process looks
like.
You need to generally know thestatute so that you can have
intelligent conversations.
Now, each state has its own setof family law statutes, but you
(06:55):
can find oftentimes in many ofthe places.
You can find these online andthen you can focus on the
sections that apply to theparenting time, the legal
decision making andmodifications.
But knowing even the basics isgoing to give you a lot of
leverage and then allow you towork that strategy.
The next thing you need to be isclear and direct.
(07:17):
Attorneys are trained toprocess facts right.
That's what I just described.
They don't need a fullemotional download.
One of the biggest mistakesthat men sometimes make dads
sometimes make is that they'retalking emotionally.
Now I feel like it's not Fromthe attorneys that I talked to.
It's not as much the case withdads and men as much, but still,
(07:43):
oftentimes we will and I havelet our emotions get involved in
it, and so you know they don'tneed an emotional download.
Save that for your therapist oryour support group.
Save that for your therapist oryour support group.
Instead, focus on deliveringspecifics specifics like dates
(08:11):
and incidents.
I've talked about how todocument the importance of
documentation, how to structurefiles and documentation through
this whole process.
You're going to have to do it.
If you haven't started it,start doing it and paying
attention to it.
Also, any documentedcommunications like texts and
emails.
Your goals realistic ones.
So when you sit down in thebeginning, if they're not asking
you what the goals are, ifthey're not going through that
(08:32):
with you which some of the goodones will, but not all of them
will you want to lay outspecifically what it is that you
want, what you're looking atfor parenting time, what you're
thinking about for how you'regoing to divide assets, et
cetera.
You're going to lay that allout.
So that's why it's also good tosit down, talk with a coach or
(08:53):
at least somebody who's beenthrough the process, to help you
kind of refine what it is thatyou want to do and that you want
to present to your attorney.
And then it's also, dependingupon the situation, good to have
that person then to bouncethings back and forth with and
strategize with as well, so thatyou can then make changes.
(09:15):
You know where to push, youknow where to agree, etc.
Changes, you know where to push, you know where to set, you
know where to agree, etc.
It just helps you to havesomebody in your corner that has
a global perspective of what'sgoing on.
That's why working with adivorce coach is really, really
huge.
I don't think I've ever heardsomebody who's worked with one
say that was not worth my timeor my money especially the money
(09:38):
because you're going to savepotentially tens of thousands of
dollars, depending upon yoursituation and depending upon the
outcome in court, if you workwith somebody that can help you
to mitigate that process and atthe very least, you're going to
save time and money with yourattorney and not having to ask
them the questions that youcould get answered by a coach.
(09:59):
So the long and short of that beclear and direct is get to the
point, stay organized and leaveout what doesn't serve your case
, which is a bunch of emotionalstuff.
Talk to your therapist aboutthat stuff, okay.
The next one is stay on top ofcommunication.
Don't ghost your attorney orwait until a deadline to respond
(10:21):
.
I hear this lots of times fromguys that are just whatever the
mental, emotional issue thatthey're going through are
ignoring things or hoping thingswork out or just burying their
head in the sand like an ostrich.
Just make sure that you payattention to stuff.
It's not going to go away andit's not going to get better
(10:41):
unless you take charge of this.
If you take charge of it andyou move it in the direction
that you'd like to see it, itmight not go exactly how you
want and you might not getexactly what it is that you
desire, but you're going to bemoving it in a direction that is
potentially more beneficial foryourself, because the other
direction means is that you'regoing to be moving it in a
direction that is potentiallymore beneficial for yourself,
because the other directionmeans is that you're just
(11:03):
accepting what's going to happen.
Now.
The flip side of that is avoidconstant unnecessary check-ins
with attorneys.
So it's a balance.
You don't want to be tradingemails with them every hour,
every single day, because that'scostly and expensive.
But if you know what thedeadlines are and they should be
letting you know what those areand you have them on your
(11:23):
calendar and you haveresponsibilities, like your
financial statements or anythingelse that you need to get done,
stay organized.
Stay organized with a calendar,stay organized with files
whether those are physical ordigital that help you to
facilitate that communication.
And if something changes, likeyour work schedule, your
(11:44):
co-parent's behavior, yourchild's needs, update your
attorney right away.
They can't advocate for you ifthey're in the dark or if it's
too late.
So if you find something that'salarming or worrisome, even if
you just want to document it Idid this oftentimes and I
recommend it highly is you canjust put an email that says I
(12:06):
want to document this and wantto give you an update on what's
going on.
Sometimes it's going to bebeneficial for them to be able
to utilize in courts.
Sometimes it's not going to be,but it might just at least help
them to kind of see andunderstand what might be
transpiring in your family'scircumstances and environment
(12:28):
through this process.
Because, again, look, they'renot thinking about you and your
family and your kids all thetime or after work, because a
couple of things.
One is they just have too manyclients to be doing that, and
the second part is that thatthey're just.
That is their job.
Their job is to think about youduring the billable time that
(12:49):
they're working on your case.
So if you can give them briefupdates on stuff like this, that
can help them to get somecontext around, maybe some
things that are happening, youcan.
You can just tell that I don'tneed a response like in big
letters in the beginning, but Iwanted to give you an update on
this or this is what's happened,or this circumstance or
(13:09):
situation occurred, and I justwant you to know so that they
can read it, document it andthen have it in the back of
their mind.
The next one is ask forclarification Another way to
effectively communicate withthem.
If you don't understandsomething, your attorney says
(13:31):
ask, ask, why, ask, how, askwhen, ask them to clarify for
you, and if they are not patientwith you and explaining these
to you, then find anotherattorney.
There is no shame in askingbecause, look, none of us,
(13:51):
hopefully, have been throughthis more than one time.
If we have, it's only a coupleof times.
Anytime you've done somethingonce or twice or three times,
you're never gonna know, you'renever gonna be good at it.
It's going to be disconcerting,it's going to be uncertain,
it's going to be something thatyou're not comfortable with.
So legal language can get verydense and, again, a good
(14:12):
attorney is going to explain itin very plain terms to you, and
your job is to speak up when youneed clarity.
So make sure to do that.
Do not absolutely positively,do not hesitate to ask what that
means.
Or, and look, if you don't getthe answer that you like the
first time, ask again and askagain, and if it doesn't make
(14:35):
sense, say I don't quiteunderstand that it doesn't make
sense until they can figure outhow to explain it to you or they
can find somebody that can.
So do not stay in the dark.
There are too many importantI's that need to be dotted and
T's that need to be crossed thatyou will need to make decisions
on, you'll need to be aware of,and that you'll be needing to
move in the direction that youneed to move, that you need to
(14:57):
know and be clear about all ofwhat's going on in your
situation.
Okay, so those are some waysthat are important and better
ways to communicate with yourattorney.
Let's talk about the benefitsand why that's important when
you're informed and clear.
(15:18):
Here are four good things thatcan happen.
I mentioned it before, but thenumber one good thing is and we
all love this in general in life, but particularly when we're
going through a divorce is thatyou're going to save money.
Less back and forth means fewerbillable hours.
It is just the nature of howthe system is designed.
(15:39):
Whether they win or lose, oryou think that they've done well
or not well, they are going toget paid.
So if you are effectively andclearly communicating with your
attorney, you are going to limitthe back and forth and limit
those billable hours and limitthe amount of money that you are
(16:00):
spending.
The next one is you're going tobuild trust, and this is a big
one also with attorneys.
Your attorney will see you'reserious, prepared and proactive.
Look, we all have some problems.
I guess it would be a consciousor unconscious bias around
(16:22):
different things People who areprepared, who seem serious, who
are on point in communications,who are proactive in doing stuff
we much prefer to work withbecause we know that things are
going to happen and get done.
That's going to be the same foryour attorney.
So if they have a choice offocusing more energy or time or
(16:43):
thought or whatever it might be,on one or another, if you are
the one that is prepared, youare the one that is
knowledgeable, you're the onethat is serious, you're the ones
proactive.
They're going to put thateffort towards you.
It just has nothing to do withthem.
It just you've built that trustand they're going to want to do
for you what they can to assist, because they know and they see
(17:05):
that you're serious aboutwhat's going on.
So that's another benefit.
The next one is you're going toget better outcomes.
Clear communication in allcircumstances in life leads to
stronger strategy and fewermistakes.
So you're going to have abetter outcome.
And keep in mind fellas buryingyour head in the sand on this,
(17:27):
it's not going to go away.
You are tied to this situationand whatever outcome and
whatever circumstances stem fromthe agreement or going to court
and the outcome in court so andthis could be, depending on the
age of your children fordecades so you want the most
(17:49):
positive outcome.
You want to position yourselfto garner the most positive
outcome.
Clear and effective and concisecommunication is going to get
you a better outcome.
The last one is it'll reduceyour stress.
When you know what's happeningand why, the whole process feels
less overwhelming.
Now I hope that you never getto the point where I'm at, which
(18:12):
is I've been in court so manytimes that I don't get stressed
about it.
I know what's going to go on.
I know what's happening.
I don't ever know what theoutcome is, because that's just
a crapshoot literally.
But I don't get stressedbecause I know the process and
that's just a matter of havingbeen there, done that so many
times, have been in court, beenin front of judge, been
(18:33):
cross-examined, been everything.
So hopefully you're never goingto get that, but the knowledge
is going to give you some peaceof mind and reduce your stress.
So, clearly, communicating withyour attorney and knowing what's
going on because you've askedthe questions, because they've
clearly explained to you,because they've helped you to
(18:55):
understand what it might be orwhere you're at in the case, etc
.
It might be or where you're atin the case, et cetera, is going
to help reduce your stress.
And, look, the whole thing isan incredibly stressful
situation and circumstance.
So anything that we can do tocontrol that is going to help.
So there's things that we cancontrol in this process.
There's things that we can'tcontrol.
(19:16):
We can't control the outcomes,we can't control our Xs, our
soon-to-be exes, but we cancontrol how we communicate
effectively and that will, inturn, reduce our stress.
All right, being a divorced dadis dad in the legal system can
feel like it doesn't feel likeit is an uphill battle, but one
(19:36):
of the most effective tools youhave is how you communicate Know
the law, know what you want,speak clearly, stay engaged.
That's how you help yourattorney, help you and, in turn,
help your kiddos.
I hope you found some value inthat today.
If you did, I would reallyappreciate if you would share
this far and wide.
(19:56):
Share it on social media.
We are coming up on five years.
We're going to have ananniversary podcast here five
years of this podcast, 260episodes, very soon.
So it's all a credit to yousharing this.
We are listened to all over theworld, in more than a hundred
countries and hundreds ofdifferent cities as well.
(20:19):
So please continue to sharethis so that everybody can,
every dad can get the help thathe deserves and that he needs.
And if you can take it one stepfurther, this would help.
I saw some on Spotify this week.
I appreciate it Is a starrating and even more a just a
brief comment or just somethingthat is encouraging about an
(20:42):
episode, some kind of briefcomment somewhere on whatever
podcast platform you'relistening to.
It just encourages other dadsthat are maybe looking for an
episode or just looking tolisten to tune in and get a
little bit of help.
So thank you, I sincerelyappreciate you.
Have a good week, a terrificweek, as good a week as you can,
and God bless.
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