April 14, 2025 • 32 mins
Divorce can feel like your life is spinning out of control—and in many ways, it is. You’re not just splitting up a relationship. You’re restructuring your family, finances, home life, and daily routines. It’s easy to get caught up in the chaos, trying to manage everything, fix everything, and control the uncontrollable. But here’s the truth: mastering the art of losing control is how you survive this. And, paradoxically, it’s how you gain real control where it counts.
Let’s break it down—what you can control, what you can’t, and what to do about it.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello and welcome to the show.
I am thrilled that you are heretoday and our topic that we
will be chatting about is theart of losing control.
We're going to talk aboutthings that you can and cannot
control through this process.
It's an important topic,particularly if you're somebody
(00:24):
like me who wanted to haveeverything planned with a plan A
, b, c through Z.
But before we jump into ourtopic, let me welcome some new
members to our community, thatis, lakshmi, david, jay and
Stefan.
Welcome to the DivorcedAdvocate community.
(00:45):
If you are not part of thecommunity yet, check it out at
thedivorcedadvocatecom and findthe resources that you need and
you deserve to get through thischallenging time.
There are all kinds of thingsthere, so check it out.
We had a great group meeting onSaturday morning with lots of
(01:07):
guys and lots of greatconversation.
You can check out the replay ofthat behind the paywall in the
membership area.
It was highly, highly, highlyrecommended.
I think that it was one of thebest conversations we've had in
five years in our group meeting.
So check that out as well andbecome a member and check out
the DivorcedAdvocatecom.
(01:28):
All right, the art of losingcontrol.
So I don't probably have totell you.
But divorce can feel like yourlife is spinning out of control,
and in many ways it might notbe spinning out of control, but
it is going to be out of yourcontrol.
And you're not just splittingup a relationship or your
(01:48):
romantic relationship, yourmarriage, but what you're
actually doing is you'rerestructuring your family and
your finances and your home lifeand daily routines.
Everything's gettingreconfigured and it's easy to
get caught up in the chaos,trying to manage everything.
Maybe if you're, because we'reguys maybe trying to fix
(02:10):
everything and trying to controlwhat is uncontrollable.
But here's the truth Masteringthe art of losing control is how
you're going to survive thisand, paradoxically, it's how
you're going to gain realcontrol where it counts, and I
know that might be hard to getyour head around right now.
(02:31):
It was for me and remained sovery long after my divorce until
I figured this out.
But bear with me.
Let's break it down and we'regoing to talk about what you
control, what you can control,what you can't control and what
you can do about it.
So the first part we're goingto talk about is what you can
control, and number one is youcan control your reactions.
(02:57):
You can't control how your exbehaves.
You can't control what they'regoing to say in court.
You can't control how they'regoing to treat you, but you can
control how you respond.
And so an example of this wouldbe your ex sends a hostile text
about being late to drop offthe kids.
You might feel angry, youranger might spike, but instead
(03:20):
of firing back, you take abreath, you read it twice, maybe
put it aside and don't respondfor 24 hours and then compose a
calm and composed message backto her.
So some advice on this withyour reactions.
(03:42):
And so what I'm going torecommend here is we've talked
in detail in most of thesepoints and these tips in other
podcast episodes and talked indetail about how to go into
things like, for instance, thisone.
The advice would be practicethe pause, don't reply in the
(04:05):
heat of the moment.
We've talked about things likethat, about how to create
strategies around managing youremotions and handling those.
So go back, take a look at someof those podcast episodes
that'll give you some realspecific details and go into
details on how you can do that.
But the advice for this one incontrolling your reactions is
(04:27):
just pause, don't reply in theheat of the moment.
There's many different ways thatyou can do that.
Another is keep communicationsbrief, factual and emotion free.
Just the facts and no emotions,no accusations, no feelings
about any of that.
Just keep it very businesslike.
(04:48):
And the last one is documenteverything without escalating
conflict Document, document,document.
We've talked about this in thepast.
Also, we've talked about how todo this in the past as well.
It's very important,particularly if you're in a high
conflict situation, or you'rein a situation that is high
(05:08):
conflict and with somebody thatmight have some mental,
emotional issues going on thatare creating challenges.
So that is the first one.
Control that you.
The thing.
That is the first thing thatyou can control, which is your
reactions, the first thing thatyou can't control, which is your
(05:29):
reactions.
The second is how you show upfor your kids.
You might not get the custodyschedule that you want right
away, but every minute you dohave with your kids is yours to
shape.
I will say, I say it, I try tosay it every single week but and
you've probably heard me say itbefore but there is nothing
else in the world that your kidsneed more than their time with
(05:55):
their father.
There's nothing else that canreplace you in the world.
There are things that they needfrom you that only you can
provide to them as a father.
So it is absolutely criticalthat you are able to be there
and show up for your kids.
So maybe you're only seeingthem on the weekends now and
(06:19):
instead of overcompensating with, say, gifts or trying to be the
fun dad, just be there tolisten, play and be consistent.
I can tell you absolutelypositively that the things that
the kiddos are going to rememberare not going to be anything
that they bought, that youbought, that you brought to them
(06:43):
any material thing.
It's going to be times that youspent with them, maybe places
that you bought, that youbrought to them any material
thing.
It's going to be times that youspent with them, maybe places
that you've gone.
Some of the things that mydaughters bring up as memories
are just unbelievable to me thatthat would be a memory that
would stick with them, and mostoften they were things that I
(07:04):
hadn't even thought or plannedwould be something that would be
, or it wasn't just even like agrand plan of anything.
It was just moments togetherthat they remember and times
that we created together.
So some advice on how to show upfor your kids Stick to routines
, especially during this timeperiod.
(07:25):
Kids need stability right now.
So if you've got a parentingplan, try to stick to that
parenting plan and make sure.
I understand that some people'sschedules are different and
challenging and whatnot, but ifyou can stick to a parenting
plan and make sure to just goalong with that, then it will
help them.
(07:46):
They're experiencing the sameuncertainty and chaos in their
minds and have a lot lessabilities to process those than
you do.
So if you can stick to routinesand that would also go for
sticking, to, say, bedtimeroutines and morning routines
the more routines that you canthat you can create for them,
(08:09):
the the better.
And this is a great thing thatwe do as dads in creating
structures around around thingsfor them.
So same with, maybe when theycome to you, that we have a
podcast where we talked about away to welcome them back into
your environment, creating yourenvironment.
(08:31):
One of the things we did waspizza and movie night every
Friday when they came back to me, so that they knew and they
were able to just be able torelax back into a different
environment, to just be able torelax back into a different
environment and when you'rethinking about it from their
standpoint, they're literallyliving in two different
(08:52):
environments all the time and asmuch as you might try with your
ex to keep things mostly thesame and consistent and that's
if you have an amicable, goodcommunication with your ex it's
still going to be different andthey're still going to be living
in two different environments.
So imagine what that's like foryourself, on a daily basis, to
have to be out of your routineor be in one routine or be in
(09:13):
one environment one week orwhatever the schedule is, and
then have to go to another one.
So creating a way to welcomethem back into that environment
and help them feel comfortableby creating those routines is a
great thing for them.
That gives them a sense ofsecurity and a sense of
stability.
(09:33):
The other thing you can do toshow up for your kids is focus
on quality over quantity.
One focused hour is better thana distracted day, and I think
that if there is one of thegreatest things that came out of
my divorce was that it helpedme to learn to focus in on and
(09:55):
become a heart-centered presentfather with my kiddos and not
that I wasn't before, it justmade me hyper-aware of the time
that I did and didn't have withthem and helped me to make sure
that that time that we did havetogether was very focused.
Have together was very focused.
The last is to make sure not toever trash talk your ex Never,
(10:29):
ever, ever.
Your kids are not yourtherapist and that is going to
only do more harm than it'sgoing to do good.
Whether or not you like it,your children identify with both
parents.
No matter what kind of behaviorthey might be exhibiting, the
things that they might be doing,your kid still derives some
part of their identity from yourex.
(10:50):
So when you trash your ex, youare literally trashing your
child and they internalize that.
So make sure not to do that.
Now.
That's not to say you can pointout behaviors that you are not
comfortable with or that youdon't like or that are different
from what you value.
You can talk about that, butyou can do that in a
(11:11):
dispassionate way by describingjust specifically the behavior
and why you are not comfortablewith that or why you don't like
that behavior.
And that can be if your ex istrashing you and say something
to the fact that I'm sorry thatyour mom is having this
conversations with you.
It is an adult conversationthat shouldn't be had and I'm
(11:32):
sorry.
And so that's just an exampleof pointing out a behavior and
not saying anything bad.
Not saying anything personal.
You didn't say that she was abad person etc.
You just said the behavior, itwas not acceptable and that
you're sorry that it's happeningto them, because we are sorry
that it's happening to them,because it's because it makes it
(11:52):
more difficult for them throughthis process.
That is number two.
Number three, on what you cancontrol through this process is
your physical and your mentalhealth.
Divorce hits hard emotionallyand physically, but your health
is your foundation.
(12:13):
This is one of the things thatwe were talking about this
weekend on the group call.
There were a couple of guysthat were just literally in the
beginning of this process andasked what they need to do to
prepare for this, and one of thetop two things was to make sure
to take care of yourself.
You hear me talk about makingsure that you take care of
(12:34):
yourself mentally, emotionally,physically, spiritually.
An example if you're sleepingbadly, drinking more, skipping
meals, recognize the patternsand decide to shift those and
get better sleep, stop drinkingand don't skip any meals Some
advice to take care of yourselfphysically and mentally, and
(12:56):
we've got a ton of podcasts onthis stuff, so go back and read
about it.
We've got some fitness ones,we've got some ones on how to do
meditation, how to journal allkinds of different ones.
So find what works for you, goback, listen and then start
refining some of these, but makesure you're taking care of
those four legs of the stoolmental, emotional, physical and
(13:18):
spiritual.
And some advice around this ismove your body every day, even
if it's just a walk.
Our bodies are meant to be inmovement and not just to be
sitting and lethargic and innon-movement.
So even if you're just gettingout and walking for 15 minutes a
day, make sure that your bodyis out, is getting movement,
(13:40):
getting exercise.
Ideally, you're working yourway up to some resistance
training and workout, maybe somecardio whatever works for you.
A good thing to do with thisalso is you can find different
activities that you'reinterested in.
(14:01):
That can be maybe hiking, thatyou can find other people to go
with.
That's a good thing to doduring this process, so you're
not self-isolating, that you'rewith other people, you're
talking with other people andyou're getting exercise.
Meetupcom is a great place forthat.
All kinds of differentcommunity-oriented things around
, different activities that youlike to do that you can find
(14:23):
there and then also get thephysical activity that you need.
Another is eat real food, notprocessed food, not fast food,
none of the crap food.
Your body needs the fuel inorder to keep the engines going.
You're going to be burning alot of calories through the
(14:45):
thought process of this justalone, if you're, like me,
thinking about everything that'sgoing on.
So make sure that you're eatingreal foods, preparing real
foods and not skipping meals,stay hydrated and make sure that
your body has the ability toheal itself, to rest itself, etc
(15:05):
.
Another is, if you have themeans to do so, talk to a
therapist or a counselor.
There's absolutely no shame inthat.
Talking to a third party thatis not somebody that has any
kind of vested interest inwhat's going on.
Your friends and family aregreat, but they have a bias in
(15:26):
what is going on.
So, if you have the ability todo so, therapy or a counselor,
or join the Divorced Advocateand come to our group meetings.
And what inevitably happenswith the group meetings is guys
connect offline in these groupmeetings and then end up in
friendships all across thiscountry.
That's.
(15:47):
That, then, is something thatmoves forward and helps them
through the through the processand having somebody else that's
either going through it or beenthrough that as well.
So come to our group meetingsas well.
And the last one, I'll say, isreally, really important,
because our emotions are goingto be all over the place during
this.
(16:07):
We talked also on Saturdayabout the grief process and, for
those of you familiar with it,if you're not, go back We've got
several episodes also on griefand the different parts of the
grief process and how to getthrough it.
But you're going to have allkinds of emotions going on
(16:29):
during this time.
Do not numb the pain.
That's huge.
Do not numb the pain.
Process the pain.
Find skills and tools, if youdon't already have them, to
recognize that you're havingthese emotions come up, and
these emotions might be sadness,they might be anger, they might
be worry, whatever it might be,but just it might be fear.
(16:52):
Just identify that something'scoming up and do not numb it.
Just identify that something'scoming up and do not numb it.
Stay away from the traditionalthings drinking or drugs, or it
could be even over exercising orpartying or whatever it might
be but make sure to identify itand then find ways.
(17:12):
We talk about meditation insome episodes, we talk about
journaling in some episodes.
So go back and find what youwant to try and then start
working through and processing,but do absolutely positively, do
not numb the pain that you'regoing to go through or that you
are going through.
The last one, number four, onwhat you can control, is your
(17:36):
legal strategy.
You cannot predict the outcomeof courts, but you can show up
prepared, informed and with theright team.
I had lunch with one of theguys in our group yesterday and
we were talking about this, ashe's in a high conflict
post-divorce situation wherethey're going back and
(17:59):
litigating some things in court,which happens lots of the time.
Especially, it only takes oneperson not to cooperate and you
have to end up in court in frontof the judge going to trial,
and that one person will usuallybe the same person that's not
cooperating throughout theprocess and you're going to be
in court.
One person will usually be thesame person that's not
cooperating throughout theprocess and you're going to be
in court for probably much ofthe duration of your
(18:21):
co-parenting and yourpost-divorce life.
That's just the way that it isand it's unfortunate, but you've
heard me talk about it in howto select an attorney.
The last one aboutcommunicating with your attorney
and how to communicate withyour attorney more effectively.
We've got lots of podcastepisodes on that.
(18:41):
But an example of how you cancontrol your legal strategy is
your ex has a lawyer who playshard ball and, instead of
panicking, you invest in alawyer who listens, explains and
builds a strategy based onfacts, not emotions.
Now, that's kind of a genericexample.
I'll be honest, that takes alittle more parsing through, if
(19:06):
you will around that, but youare the coach of this and I
cannot emphasize this enough.
You are the coach of thisdivorce process and it is
incumbent upon you.
The attorneys are the peoplewho understand and are helping
you to traverse the legalprocess.
Outside of that, they are notgreat.
(19:28):
They're not the strategistsaround this.
They're not your therapist.
They do not know the full scaleof the circumstances in your
family, no matter how much youmight be able to explain to them
and what you might be able toprovide to them.
So you are ultimately going tobe the one making the decisions
going through this process.
So, if you liken it to a coach,you've got to know and you've
(19:51):
got to understand the positions,what they can and cannot do,
what the attorney can and cannotdo.
Your attorney can help youunderstand the legal process and
help facilitate you gettingthrough that legal process.
They can't help you with yourmental, emotional state.
So that's where you would needsomebody else on your team, like
a therapist on your team, likea therapist.
(20:18):
They're not experts in how todivide assets or how to value
assets or how to even justfigure out who's going to get
the home, et cetera.
That's where you need a realestate agent and or a mortgage
broker, or somebody that's goingto help you to figure out the
refinancing or selling.
Also, a CPA, somebody that'sgoing to be an expert in that,
or a financial planner that'sgoing to help you figure that
(20:41):
stuff out.
So these are all people, butyou're going to have to know
what you need them each to doand you're going to have to tell
them, including your attorney,what outcome you want.
Now, you might not know exactlyhow to get there, but you
describe and this is what wetalked about last week with
knowing what you want youroutcome to be, so that you can
describe that to them.
And if you don't know, what itis.
(21:02):
Work with a divorce coach tohelp figure it out, clarify your
vision and direction.
That's the first thing that wedo in private practice in
figuring out what you want to do, how you want to see this thing
end up Doesn't mean you'regoing to get there, but that's
going to help you work backwardsfrom there and then create a
strategy and a plan and thenalso change strategy and plan as
(21:24):
things evolve and changethrough the process.
So that's incumbent upon you.
You are driving that bus, youare coaching that team.
The attorney might be animportant one that's like the
quarterback but you're going toneed many, many more people on
your team and you're going toneed to know how to be able to
(21:44):
guide them in the direction youwant them to go.
So some more specific advice onthat is keep records of
anything I mentioned thatcommunication, finances,
parenting time, everything.
You're going to need all ofthat if you end up going to
court.
Even if you don't, you'reprobably going to need some of
that, particularly the financialstuff.
Do not lie in court or indocuments.
(22:05):
It is inevitably going tobackfire.
If it doesn't immediately, itwill probably backfire down the
line if you have to go back tocourt or some other reason.
So be open, be upfront, beforthright with what's going on,
in whatever circumstance itmight be.
The last is ask questions untilyou understand what's going on.
This was my big thing with mybuddy yesterday was that he was
(22:31):
just frustrated with theattorney not responding and the
attorney not being the one thatwas really saying, well, we
should be doing this or weshould be doing that, and I
tried to emphasize to him thatattorneys will do that, but
they're going to do that basedon the limited knowledge that
they have.
So that's fine, that's okay,but they again do not have the
(23:13):
full picture.
They do not understand thenuance of the relationship with
the you don't understand.
Ask questions and keep askingquestions until you have a clear
answer.
If your attorney is notcomfortable or is just not
giving you the answers, thenfind an attorney that will, or
any expert that you're going tobe working with.
If they're not giving you theanswers and you ask them the
questions so that they canclarify or so that you can get
(23:34):
clarified clearly, then justfind another person, but ask
questions until you understandwhat's going on.
Okay, those are the things thatyou can control.
Let's go through briefly thethings that you cannot control.
We've got three of them, as youcan imagine.
(23:55):
What the first one is is thatyou're not going to be able to
control your ex's actions oremotions.
It's probably one of thereasons why you're going through
this process is that therelational dynamic has not been
positive and it is broken down,and so they may play games, they
(24:15):
may lie, they may be hostile.
That's them.
You cannot do anything aboutthat.
You cannot control that.
You might be able to point outthe behavior, but outside of
that, there's nothing that youcan do to change that.
So an example your ex badmouthsyou to friends or even your
(24:36):
kids.
It's infuriating, but you can'tmake them stop.
What to do instead?
Like I mentioned earlier, don'tretaliate.
Focus on your own conduct.
Keep receipts, documenteverything if it crosses a legal
line.
So again, make sure to bedocumenting everything.
Particularly, just not inparticular.
(24:58):
You should just be doingwhatever the circumstances of
your divorce are, whether youthink it's going to be amicable
or you think it's going to behigh conflict you should be
documenting everything all ofthe time and then trust that
over time, consistency mattersmore than noise, and that one is
(25:19):
just look, you're not going tobe able to control their
emotions.
What you want to be able to dois have your emotions be the
rock that your kids can look atand go hey, dad went through
this and this was one of themost challenging and difficult
(25:39):
things that you can ever gothrough in life.
And this doesn't mean thatyou're stoic.
This just means that you havecontrol and then you have a
process for handling youremotions and you're able to
communicate that with thosearound you.
Think about the example thatthat sets for them in modeling
(26:00):
resiliency through a challengingtime.
It is absolutely an opportunity.
I know that's hard to wrap yourhead around, but it is
absolutely an opportunity foryou to model something for them
and just trust over time thatthat consistency is going to
matter more than any of the badmouthing or any of the crap
(26:21):
that's going to be going on orcoming from your ex.
The other thing you cannotcontrol is the court's decisions
.
Judges are human, they arebiased, the system is slow, it
is imperfect and it is stackedagainst you.
So court decisions you justhave no idea when you go into
(26:42):
court.
That's why I always say, if youcan get to 80-85% of what makes
you feel comfortable and settleon that, then that is a good
thing.
But you're not going to be ableto control those court's
decisions.
Like if you want a 50-50custody but the judge ordered
less, it feels unfair.
(27:02):
It might be unfair, what canyou do?
You're going to have to followthe orders even if you disagree,
showing you're responsible.
You keep tracking yourinvolvement.
If things change, you canrequest modifications and let
your lawyer guide the legalfight.
Don't do it through text emailsor angry voicemails.
(27:24):
And I would just also add thatdon't become the parent that is
alienating or coercive or doinganything with the kids around
that to try to mitigate thosecircumstances or create
situations that might allow youan opportunity at more parenting
time.
Showing up in the way that wedescribed earlier with your
(27:54):
kiddos and being consistent withthem and having focused quality
time with them is going to bethe most important thing.
Last thing you cannot controland this one is tough oftentimes
because we lose friends butyou're not going to be able to
control how others perceive you.
Friends will take sides, familymembers might judge, co-workers
could ask uncomfortablequestions, your mother-in-law
(28:16):
might be cold to you, your bestfriend might seem distant and
the narrative in the communityor at the kid's school or
whatever might be on your side,but just stay grounded in your
truth.
You know that you're a good dad.
If you're listening to this,I'm convinced and I know that
you are.
Don't get into PR battles.
Just keep showing up as thedads your kids need.
(28:39):
Find your tribe, connect withother divorced dads or a support
group.
That gets it.
And I can share a personalexample with this.
And my ex was grand at the PRbattles and at one point one of
my daughters said to me that itjust really bothered her and
(28:59):
upset her that people hadthoughts about what they thought
I was like or who I was,because of that, um, that having
happened, so she was, she wasabundantly aware of what her mom
was doing and what, uh, whatthe perception was, which was
(29:23):
not the real perception,obviously, but um, but that just
saddened me because that had anegative impact on her, which I
don't want.
But I use that example to justdescribe to you.
The kids will know, and theyknow what's going on.
Even if they don't knowconsciously what's going on,
(29:43):
they can feel what's going on.
That's why it's so critical foryou to be able to control what
you can control and let the restof it go.
Because what they don't know,what they don't consciously know
, they're going to feel.
So creating that environment,doing all these things that we
just described around what youcontrol, is going to help that
subconsciously for them whenthey're old enough to
(30:04):
consciously know about thatstuff.
The same thing, by doing whatyou can do and control, then
you're modeling stuff for themthat then they can take into
their adult life so that theycan become healthy and
functioning adults.
So final thoughts you can'tcontrol the storm, but you can
control how you steer the shipif you want a way to look at it
(30:26):
right.
Being a dad in the middle ofdivorce means accepting that not
everything is yours to fix.
That's hard for some of us dadsand guys.
But your attitude, your actions, your time with your kids and
your healing, those are yours.
It's not about being perfect,it's about being present, real
and consistent.
That's how you're going to winthe long game.
(30:47):
That's the art of losingcontrol.
My friends, thank you so muchfor listening this week.
I sincerely appreciate it Ifyou found some value in what you
heard today.
Share far and wide on socialmedia with friends, other dads
that you know that are goingthrough this difficult and
challenging time.
If you're listening on apodcast platform, please give us
(31:08):
a star rating or, even better,give us some comments that will
encourage some others to tune into the show.
Thanks for listening.
Have a terrific week and Godbless.
Hello and welcome to the show.
I am thrilled that you are heretoday and our topic that we
will be chatting about is theart of losing control.
We're going to talk aboutthings that you can and cannot
control through this process.
It's an important topic,particularly if you're somebody
(00:24):
like me who wanted to haveeverything planned with a plan A
, b, c through Z.
But before we jump into ourtopic, let me welcome some new
members to our community, thatis, lakshmi, david, jay and
Stefan.
Welcome to the DivorcedAdvocate community.
(00:45):
If you are not part of thecommunity yet, check it out at
thedivorcedadvocatecom and findthe resources that you need and
you deserve to get through thischallenging time.
There are all kinds of thingsthere, so check it out.
We had a great group meeting onSaturday morning with lots of
(01:07):
guys and lots of greatconversation.
You can check out the replay ofthat behind the paywall in the
membership area.
It was highly, highly, highlyrecommended.
I think that it was one of thebest conversations we've had in
five years in our group meeting.
So check that out as well andbecome a member and check out
the DivorcedAdvocatecom.
(01:28):
All right, the art of losingcontrol.
So I don't probably have totell you.
But divorce can feel like yourlife is spinning out of control,
and in many ways it might notbe spinning out of control, but
it is going to be out of yourcontrol.
And you're not just splittingup a relationship or your
(01:48):
romantic relationship, yourmarriage, but what you're
actually doing is you'rerestructuring your family and
your finances and your home lifeand daily routines.
Everything's gettingreconfigured and it's easy to
get caught up in the chaos,trying to manage everything.
Maybe if you're, because we'reguys maybe trying to fix
(02:10):
everything and trying to controlwhat is uncontrollable.
But here's the truth Masteringthe art of losing control is how
you're going to survive thisand, paradoxically, it's how
you're going to gain realcontrol where it counts, and I
know that might be hard to getyour head around right now.
(02:31):
It was for me and remained sovery long after my divorce until
I figured this out.
But bear with me.
Let's break it down and we'regoing to talk about what you
control, what you can control,what you can't control and what
you can do about it.
So the first part we're goingto talk about is what you can
control, and number one is youcan control your reactions.
(02:57):
You can't control how your exbehaves.
You can't control what they'regoing to say in court.
You can't control how they'regoing to treat you, but you can
control how you respond.
And so an example of this wouldbe your ex sends a hostile text
about being late to drop offthe kids.
You might feel angry, youranger might spike, but instead
(03:20):
of firing back, you take abreath, you read it twice, maybe
put it aside and don't respondfor 24 hours and then compose a
calm and composed message backto her.
So some advice on this withyour reactions.
(03:42):
And so what I'm going torecommend here is we've talked
in detail in most of thesepoints and these tips in other
podcast episodes and talked indetail about how to go into
things like, for instance, thisone.
The advice would be practicethe pause, don't reply in the
(04:05):
heat of the moment.
We've talked about things likethat, about how to create
strategies around managing youremotions and handling those.
So go back, take a look at someof those podcast episodes
that'll give you some realspecific details and go into
details on how you can do that.
But the advice for this one incontrolling your reactions is
(04:27):
just pause, don't reply in theheat of the moment.
There's many different ways thatyou can do that.
Another is keep communicationsbrief, factual and emotion free.
Just the facts and no emotions,no accusations, no feelings
about any of that.
Just keep it very businesslike.
(04:48):
And the last one is documenteverything without escalating
conflict Document, document,document.
We've talked about this in thepast.
Also, we've talked about how todo this in the past as well.
It's very important,particularly if you're in a high
conflict situation, or you'rein a situation that is high
(05:08):
conflict and with somebody thatmight have some mental,
emotional issues going on thatare creating challenges.
So that is the first one.
Control that you.
The thing.
That is the first thing thatyou can control, which is your
reactions, the first thing thatyou can't control, which is your
(05:29):
reactions.
The second is how you show upfor your kids.
You might not get the custodyschedule that you want right
away, but every minute you dohave with your kids is yours to
shape.
I will say, I say it, I try tosay it every single week but and
you've probably heard me say itbefore but there is nothing
else in the world that your kidsneed more than their time with
(05:55):
their father.
There's nothing else that canreplace you in the world.
There are things that they needfrom you that only you can
provide to them as a father.
So it is absolutely criticalthat you are able to be there
and show up for your kids.
So maybe you're only seeingthem on the weekends now and
(06:19):
instead of overcompensating with, say, gifts or trying to be the
fun dad, just be there tolisten, play and be consistent.
I can tell you absolutelypositively that the things that
the kiddos are going to rememberare not going to be anything
that they bought, that youbought, that you brought to them
(06:43):
any material thing.
It's going to be times that youspent with them, maybe places
that you bought, that youbrought to them any material
thing.
It's going to be times that youspent with them, maybe places
that you've gone.
Some of the things that mydaughters bring up as memories
are just unbelievable to me thatthat would be a memory that
would stick with them, and mostoften they were things that I
(07:04):
hadn't even thought or plannedwould be something that would be
, or it wasn't just even like agrand plan of anything.
It was just moments togetherthat they remember and times
that we created together.
So some advice on how to show upfor your kids Stick to routines
, especially during this timeperiod.
(07:25):
Kids need stability right now.
So if you've got a parentingplan, try to stick to that
parenting plan and make sure.
I understand that some people'sschedules are different and
challenging and whatnot, but ifyou can stick to a parenting
plan and make sure to just goalong with that, then it will
help them.
(07:46):
They're experiencing the sameuncertainty and chaos in their
minds and have a lot lessabilities to process those than
you do.
So if you can stick to routinesand that would also go for
sticking, to, say, bedtimeroutines and morning routines
the more routines that you canthat you can create for them,
(08:09):
the the better.
And this is a great thing thatwe do as dads in creating
structures around around thingsfor them.
So same with, maybe when theycome to you, that we have a
podcast where we talked about away to welcome them back into
your environment, creating yourenvironment.
(08:31):
One of the things we did waspizza and movie night every
Friday when they came back to me, so that they knew and they
were able to just be able torelax back into a different
environment, to just be able torelax back into a different
environment and when you'rethinking about it from their
standpoint, they're literallyliving in two different
(08:52):
environments all the time and asmuch as you might try with your
ex to keep things mostly thesame and consistent and that's
if you have an amicable, goodcommunication with your ex it's
still going to be different andthey're still going to be living
in two different environments.
So imagine what that's like foryourself, on a daily basis, to
have to be out of your routineor be in one routine or be in
(09:13):
one environment one week orwhatever the schedule is, and
then have to go to another one.
So creating a way to welcomethem back into that environment
and help them feel comfortableby creating those routines is a
great thing for them.
That gives them a sense ofsecurity and a sense of
stability.
(09:33):
The other thing you can do toshow up for your kids is focus
on quality over quantity.
One focused hour is better thana distracted day, and I think
that if there is one of thegreatest things that came out of
my divorce was that it helpedme to learn to focus in on and
(09:55):
become a heart-centered presentfather with my kiddos and not
that I wasn't before, it justmade me hyper-aware of the time
that I did and didn't have withthem and helped me to make sure
that that time that we did havetogether was very focused.
Have together was very focused.
The last is to make sure not toever trash talk your ex Never,
(10:29):
ever, ever.
Your kids are not yourtherapist and that is going to
only do more harm than it'sgoing to do good.
Whether or not you like it,your children identify with both
parents.
No matter what kind of behaviorthey might be exhibiting, the
things that they might be doing,your kid still derives some
part of their identity from yourex.
(10:50):
So when you trash your ex, youare literally trashing your
child and they internalize that.
So make sure not to do that.
Now.
That's not to say you can pointout behaviors that you are not
comfortable with or that youdon't like or that are different
from what you value.
You can talk about that, butyou can do that in a
(11:11):
dispassionate way by describingjust specifically the behavior
and why you are not comfortablewith that or why you don't like
that behavior.
And that can be if your ex istrashing you and say something
to the fact that I'm sorry thatyour mom is having this
conversations with you.
It is an adult conversationthat shouldn't be had and I'm
(11:32):
sorry.
And so that's just an exampleof pointing out a behavior and
not saying anything bad.
Not saying anything personal.
You didn't say that she was abad person etc.
You just said the behavior, itwas not acceptable and that
you're sorry that it's happeningto them, because we are sorry
that it's happening to them,because it's because it makes it
(11:52):
more difficult for them throughthis process.
That is number two.
Number three, on what you cancontrol through this process is
your physical and your mentalhealth.
Divorce hits hard emotionallyand physically, but your health
is your foundation.
(12:13):
This is one of the things thatwe were talking about this
weekend on the group call.
There were a couple of guysthat were just literally in the
beginning of this process andasked what they need to do to
prepare for this, and one of thetop two things was to make sure
to take care of yourself.
You hear me talk about makingsure that you take care of
(12:34):
yourself mentally, emotionally,physically, spiritually.
An example if you're sleepingbadly, drinking more, skipping
meals, recognize the patternsand decide to shift those and
get better sleep, stop drinkingand don't skip any meals Some
advice to take care of yourselfphysically and mentally, and
(12:56):
we've got a ton of podcasts onthis stuff, so go back and read
about it.
We've got some fitness ones,we've got some ones on how to do
meditation, how to journal allkinds of different ones.
So find what works for you, goback, listen and then start
refining some of these, but makesure you're taking care of
those four legs of the stoolmental, emotional, physical and
(13:18):
spiritual.
And some advice around this ismove your body every day, even
if it's just a walk.
Our bodies are meant to be inmovement and not just to be
sitting and lethargic and innon-movement.
So even if you're just gettingout and walking for 15 minutes a
day, make sure that your bodyis out, is getting movement,
(13:40):
getting exercise.
Ideally, you're working yourway up to some resistance
training and workout, maybe somecardio whatever works for you.
A good thing to do with thisalso is you can find different
activities that you'reinterested in.
(14:01):
That can be maybe hiking, thatyou can find other people to go
with.
That's a good thing to doduring this process, so you're
not self-isolating, that you'rewith other people, you're
talking with other people andyou're getting exercise.
Meetupcom is a great place forthat.
All kinds of differentcommunity-oriented things around
, different activities that youlike to do that you can find
(14:23):
there and then also get thephysical activity that you need.
Another is eat real food, notprocessed food, not fast food,
none of the crap food.
Your body needs the fuel inorder to keep the engines going.
You're going to be burning alot of calories through the
(14:45):
thought process of this justalone, if you're, like me,
thinking about everything that'sgoing on.
So make sure that you're eatingreal foods, preparing real
foods and not skipping meals,stay hydrated and make sure that
your body has the ability toheal itself, to rest itself, etc
(15:05):
.
Another is, if you have themeans to do so, talk to a
therapist or a counselor.
There's absolutely no shame inthat.
Talking to a third party thatis not somebody that has any
kind of vested interest inwhat's going on.
Your friends and family aregreat, but they have a bias in
(15:26):
what is going on.
So, if you have the ability todo so, therapy or a counselor,
or join the Divorced Advocateand come to our group meetings.
And what inevitably happenswith the group meetings is guys
connect offline in these groupmeetings and then end up in
friendships all across thiscountry.
That's.
(15:47):
That, then, is something thatmoves forward and helps them
through the through the processand having somebody else that's
either going through it or beenthrough that as well.
So come to our group meetingsas well.
And the last one, I'll say, isreally, really important,
because our emotions are goingto be all over the place during
this.
(16:07):
We talked also on Saturdayabout the grief process and, for
those of you familiar with it,if you're not, go back We've got
several episodes also on griefand the different parts of the
grief process and how to getthrough it.
But you're going to have allkinds of emotions going on
(16:29):
during this time.
Do not numb the pain.
That's huge.
Do not numb the pain.
Process the pain.
Find skills and tools, if youdon't already have them, to
recognize that you're havingthese emotions come up, and
these emotions might be sadness,they might be anger, they might
be worry, whatever it might be,but just it might be fear.
(16:52):
Just identify that something'scoming up and do not numb it.
Just identify that something'scoming up and do not numb it.
Stay away from the traditionalthings drinking or drugs, or it
could be even over exercising orpartying or whatever it might
be but make sure to identify itand then find ways.
(17:12):
We talk about meditation insome episodes, we talk about
journaling in some episodes.
So go back and find what youwant to try and then start
working through and processing,but do absolutely positively, do
not numb the pain that you'regoing to go through or that you
are going through.
The last one, number four, onwhat you can control, is your
(17:36):
legal strategy.
You cannot predict the outcomeof courts, but you can show up
prepared, informed and with theright team.
I had lunch with one of theguys in our group yesterday and
we were talking about this, ashe's in a high conflict
post-divorce situation wherethey're going back and
(17:59):
litigating some things in court,which happens lots of the time.
Especially, it only takes oneperson not to cooperate and you
have to end up in court in frontof the judge going to trial,
and that one person will usuallybe the same person that's not
cooperating throughout theprocess and you're going to be
in court.
One person will usually be thesame person that's not
cooperating throughout theprocess and you're going to be
in court for probably much ofthe duration of your
(18:21):
co-parenting and yourpost-divorce life.
That's just the way that it isand it's unfortunate, but you've
heard me talk about it in howto select an attorney.
The last one aboutcommunicating with your attorney
and how to communicate withyour attorney more effectively.
We've got lots of podcastepisodes on that.
(18:41):
But an example of how you cancontrol your legal strategy is
your ex has a lawyer who playshard ball and, instead of
panicking, you invest in alawyer who listens, explains and
builds a strategy based onfacts, not emotions.
Now, that's kind of a genericexample.
I'll be honest, that takes alittle more parsing through, if
(19:06):
you will around that, but youare the coach of this and I
cannot emphasize this enough.
You are the coach of thisdivorce process and it is
incumbent upon you.
The attorneys are the peoplewho understand and are helping
you to traverse the legalprocess.
Outside of that, they are notgreat.
(19:28):
They're not the strategistsaround this.
They're not your therapist.
They do not know the full scaleof the circumstances in your
family, no matter how much youmight be able to explain to them
and what you might be able toprovide to them.
So you are ultimately going tobe the one making the decisions
going through this process.
So, if you liken it to a coach,you've got to know and you've
(19:51):
got to understand the positions,what they can and cannot do,
what the attorney can and cannotdo.
Your attorney can help youunderstand the legal process and
help facilitate you gettingthrough that legal process.
They can't help you with yourmental, emotional state.
So that's where you would needsomebody else on your team, like
a therapist on your team, likea therapist.
(20:18):
They're not experts in how todivide assets or how to value
assets or how to even justfigure out who's going to get
the home, et cetera.
That's where you need a realestate agent and or a mortgage
broker, or somebody that's goingto help you to figure out the
refinancing or selling.
Also, a CPA, somebody that'sgoing to be an expert in that,
or a financial planner that'sgoing to help you figure that
(20:41):
stuff out.
So these are all people, butyou're going to have to know
what you need them each to doand you're going to have to tell
them, including your attorney,what outcome you want.
Now, you might not know exactlyhow to get there, but you
describe and this is what wetalked about last week with
knowing what you want youroutcome to be, so that you can
describe that to them.
And if you don't know, what itis.
(21:02):
Work with a divorce coach tohelp figure it out, clarify your
vision and direction.
That's the first thing that wedo in private practice in
figuring out what you want to do, how you want to see this thing
end up Doesn't mean you'regoing to get there, but that's
going to help you work backwardsfrom there and then create a
strategy and a plan and thenalso change strategy and plan as
(21:24):
things evolve and changethrough the process.
So that's incumbent upon you.
You are driving that bus, youare coaching that team.
The attorney might be animportant one that's like the
quarterback but you're going toneed many, many more people on
your team and you're going toneed to know how to be able to
(21:44):
guide them in the direction youwant them to go.
So some more specific advice onthat is keep records of
anything I mentioned thatcommunication, finances,
parenting time, everything.
You're going to need all ofthat if you end up going to
court.
Even if you don't, you'reprobably going to need some of
that, particularly the financialstuff.
Do not lie in court or indocuments.
(22:05):
It is inevitably going tobackfire.
If it doesn't immediately, itwill probably backfire down the
line if you have to go back tocourt or some other reason.
So be open, be upfront, beforthright with what's going on,
in whatever circumstance itmight be.
The last is ask questions untilyou understand what's going on.
This was my big thing with mybuddy yesterday was that he was
(22:31):
just frustrated with theattorney not responding and the
attorney not being the one thatwas really saying, well, we
should be doing this or weshould be doing that, and I
tried to emphasize to him thatattorneys will do that, but
they're going to do that basedon the limited knowledge that
they have.
So that's fine, that's okay,but they again do not have the
(23:13):
full picture.
They do not understand thenuance of the relationship with
the you don't understand.
Ask questions and keep askingquestions until you have a clear
answer.
If your attorney is notcomfortable or is just not
giving you the answers, thenfind an attorney that will, or
any expert that you're going tobe working with.
If they're not giving you theanswers and you ask them the
questions so that they canclarify or so that you can get
(23:34):
clarified clearly, then justfind another person, but ask
questions until you understandwhat's going on.
Okay, those are the things thatyou can control.
Let's go through briefly thethings that you cannot control.
We've got three of them, as youcan imagine.
(23:55):
What the first one is is thatyou're not going to be able to
control your ex's actions oremotions.
It's probably one of thereasons why you're going through
this process is that therelational dynamic has not been
positive and it is broken down,and so they may play games, they
(24:15):
may lie, they may be hostile.
That's them.
You cannot do anything aboutthat.
You cannot control that.
You might be able to point outthe behavior, but outside of
that, there's nothing that youcan do to change that.
So an example your ex badmouthsyou to friends or even your
(24:36):
kids.
It's infuriating, but you can'tmake them stop.
What to do instead?
Like I mentioned earlier, don'tretaliate.
Focus on your own conduct.
Keep receipts, documenteverything if it crosses a legal
line.
So again, make sure to bedocumenting everything.
Particularly, just not inparticular.
(24:58):
You should just be doingwhatever the circumstances of
your divorce are, whether youthink it's going to be amicable
or you think it's going to behigh conflict you should be
documenting everything all ofthe time and then trust that
over time, consistency mattersmore than noise, and that one is
(25:19):
just look, you're not going tobe able to control their
emotions.
What you want to be able to dois have your emotions be the
rock that your kids can look atand go hey, dad went through
this and this was one of themost challenging and difficult
(25:39):
things that you can ever gothrough in life.
And this doesn't mean thatyou're stoic.
This just means that you havecontrol and then you have a
process for handling youremotions and you're able to
communicate that with thosearound you.
Think about the example thatthat sets for them in modeling
(26:00):
resiliency through a challengingtime.
It is absolutely an opportunity.
I know that's hard to wrap yourhead around, but it is
absolutely an opportunity foryou to model something for them
and just trust over time thatthat consistency is going to
matter more than any of the badmouthing or any of the crap
(26:21):
that's going to be going on orcoming from your ex.
The other thing you cannotcontrol is the court's decisions
.
Judges are human, they arebiased, the system is slow, it
is imperfect and it is stackedagainst you.
So court decisions you justhave no idea when you go into
(26:42):
court.
That's why I always say, if youcan get to 80-85% of what makes
you feel comfortable and settleon that, then that is a good
thing.
But you're not going to be ableto control those court's
decisions.
Like if you want a 50-50custody but the judge ordered
less, it feels unfair.
(27:02):
It might be unfair, what canyou do?
You're going to have to followthe orders even if you disagree,
showing you're responsible.
You keep tracking yourinvolvement.
If things change, you canrequest modifications and let
your lawyer guide the legalfight.
Don't do it through text emailsor angry voicemails.
(27:24):
And I would just also add thatdon't become the parent that is
alienating or coercive or doinganything with the kids around
that to try to mitigate thosecircumstances or create
situations that might allow youan opportunity at more parenting
time.
Showing up in the way that wedescribed earlier with your
(27:54):
kiddos and being consistent withthem and having focused quality
time with them is going to bethe most important thing.
Last thing you cannot controland this one is tough oftentimes
because we lose friends butyou're not going to be able to
control how others perceive you.
Friends will take sides, familymembers might judge, co-workers
could ask uncomfortablequestions, your mother-in-law
(28:16):
might be cold to you, your bestfriend might seem distant and
the narrative in the communityor at the kid's school or
whatever might be on your side,but just stay grounded in your
truth.
You know that you're a good dad.
If you're listening to this,I'm convinced and I know that
you are.
Don't get into PR battles.
Just keep showing up as thedads your kids need.
(28:39):
Find your tribe, connect withother divorced dads or a support
group.
That gets it.
And I can share a personalexample with this.
And my ex was grand at the PRbattles and at one point one of
my daughters said to me that itjust really bothered her and
(28:59):
upset her that people hadthoughts about what they thought
I was like or who I was,because of that, um, that having
happened, so she was, she wasabundantly aware of what her mom
was doing and what, uh, whatthe perception was, which was
(29:23):
not the real perception,obviously, but um, but that just
saddened me because that had anegative impact on her, which I
don't want.
But I use that example to justdescribe to you.
The kids will know, and theyknow what's going on.
Even if they don't knowconsciously what's going on,
(29:43):
they can feel what's going on.
That's why it's so critical foryou to be able to control what
you can control and let the restof it go.
Because what they don't know,what they don't consciously know
, they're going to feel.
So creating that environment,doing all these things that we
just described around what youcontrol, is going to help that
subconsciously for them whenthey're old enough to
(30:04):
consciously know about thatstuff.
The same thing, by doing whatyou can do and control, then
you're modeling stuff for themthat then they can take into
their adult life so that theycan become healthy and
functioning adults.
So final thoughts you can'tcontrol the storm, but you can
control how you steer the shipif you want a way to look at it
(30:26):
right.
Being a dad in the middle ofdivorce means accepting that not
everything is yours to fix.
That's hard for some of us dadsand guys.
But your attitude, your actions, your time with your kids and
your healing, those are yours.
It's not about being perfect,it's about being present, real
and consistent.
That's how you're going to winthe long game.
(30:47):
That's the art of losingcontrol.
My friends, thank you so muchfor listening this week.
I sincerely appreciate it Ifyou found some value in what you
heard today.
Share far and wide on socialmedia with friends, other dads
that you know that are goingthrough this difficult and
challenging time.
If you're listening on apodcast platform, please give us
(31:08):
a star rating or, even better,give us some comments that will
encourage some others to tune into the show.
Thanks for listening.
Have a terrific week and Godbless.
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Intentionally Disturbing
Join me on this podcast as I navigate the murky waters of human behavior, current events, and personal anecdotes through in-depth interviews with incredible people—all served with a generous helping of sarcasm and satire. After years as a forensic and clinical psychologist, I offer a unique interview style and a low tolerance for bullshit, quickly steering conversations toward depth and darkness. I honor the seriousness while also appreciating wit. I’m your guide through the twisted labyrinth of the human psyche, armed with dark humor and biting wit.