April 28, 2025 • 22 mins
If you're a divorced or divorcing dad, the idea of a "parental coordinator" (PC) or "decision maker" (DM) might feel like another loss of control. Courts sometimes assign one when parents are high-conflict or consistently stuck on big issues. It's normal to feel suspicious or defensive. But like everything in divorce, there's a mix of positives and negatives you need to know — with real-life examples to make it clear.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hello and welcome to the show.
Thank you so much for tuning inthis week and listening.
I sincerely appreciate it.
Today we're going to talk aboutwhether or not you should
welcome a parental coordinatoror decision maker into your
divorce or divorce case.
Those are sometimes also calleda PC slash DM, parental
(00:23):
coordinator being the PCdecision maker, being the DM, pc
DM.
We have lots of guys that talkabout this as to whether it's a
positive or negative in theircase, and it came up again on
our group call this weekend andalso with another guy that's in
our group as well.
So I realized that I hadn'ttalked about this on the show
(00:48):
and it's an important potentialthing that could be beneficial
or it could be negative.
But before we jump into this inspecific detail, let me just
welcome our three new members tothe Divorced Advocate community
, that is, nate, jake and John.
(01:12):
Welcome to the community and ifyou're not part of it yet,
check out the Divorced Advocatewebsite at
thedivorcedadvocatecom.
All kinds of resources, fromfree to paid, there to help you
get through this difficult andchallenging time.
And if you find something, orif you're looking for something
and you can't find it on awebsite, I would sincerely
appreciate if you would reachout to me and let me know that
(01:33):
it is something that you need,and perhaps it is a resource
that I have in my back pocket orI haven't thought about and we
need to get that up there andhelp out some other guys as well
.
So check out the website andjump in.
Do not self-isolate throughthis.
Listen to the podcast, reachout to other divorced dads, get
the help that you deserve andneed.
(01:54):
All right, so should you welcomea parental coordinator or
decision maker PCDM into yourdivorce?
So the idea of one of thesefolks, a PCDM, might feel like a
loss of controls, becausesometimes courts will assign a
PCDM to a case, especially whenparents are in high conflict or
(02:22):
they're consistently maybe stuckon a single big issue.
Sometimes parties will agree tothat because of a suggestion by
their attorney or attorneys, soit's normal to feel suspicious
or defensive about it.
What I've found is that lots ofguys don't really know the ins
(02:42):
and outs of the PCDM and theconsequences good and bad of
that.
So there's a mix of positivesand negatives, and so we're
going to talk about those todaywith some real-life examples to
try to make it clear.
It's going to be pretty shortand sweet.
There is not a ton of stuff togo over as far as positives and
(03:04):
negatives, and they're mostlysuper surface level, really, and
what I would say up front hereis take a listen to these if
you've got one or if yourattorney is recommending one,
but it is very nuanced to eachindividual divorce.
Lots of things in divorce arenuanced to your specific and
(03:26):
individual divorce, because nofamily is exactly like your
family.
This is, in particular and,with that said, I highly
recommend that, before you makethis decision, you talk to a
divorce coach about whether thisis a good idea or not,
particularly because they'regonna be able to look at things
from a more macro perspectiveand they're going to know a lot
(03:50):
more about your case.
The divorce coach is going toknow a lot more about your ex
and kind of the dynamic, and sothey're going to help you to
sort through whether or not itis a good decision or not.
Again, the attorneys have anarrow perspective around this.
Lots of them like it and we'llprobably get into this a little
(04:12):
bit but lots of them like itbecause it takes things out of
their hands and keeps couples orex-couples families from being
back in their offices and incourt.
That's one of the reasons.
Also, the courts like it, but,as we're going to talk about, it
is not always necessarily thebest thing for you and for your
(04:35):
family or for your kiddos.
So again, the courts, attorneys, everybody that is involved,
has their narrow perspectivearound this.
Before you decide, get with adivorce coach, chat with them
about this as well as let themget to know your entire
situation so that they can helpyou make a decision.
Let's start with some of thepositives.
(04:55):
The first is that there'sfaster resolutions to fights and
disagreements or where thingsjust can't get worked out, and
instead of sending emails backand forth or waiting for an
extended period of time.
Some courts are up to gosh.
I've heard like up to a year toget a court date and get in
front of a magistrate or a judge, and sometimes those even get
(05:21):
extended.
A PCDM can step in and solvethe issues much quickly.
Now, when a court appoints thisor you agree to have the court
appoint it, what they do, whatthe PCDM does, is they will
listen to both sides of theparty and then they will make a
decision based on what they feelis the best interest of the
(05:43):
kiddos in the situation and thenyou are typically bound to that
decision.
I will say that there aredifferent ways that you can
structure this.
Again, this is why it's reallyimportant to talk to a divorce
coach about this.
There are different ways thatyou can structure your PCD.
Most of them are not binding.
(06:04):
So they can make a decision,they can reduce it to paper and
submit it to the court, but itis not binding.
You can make it binding.
However, those have their ownimplications in and of itself.
If you give bindingauthorization to a third party
to make a decision then, as youcan imagine, that can
(06:28):
potentially lead to a loss ofcontrol or some real issues
around not having enoughopportunity to state your case
or if it is a biased PCDM, thenthat could be a long-term
problem for you.
But in the best case scenario,if you've got a PCDM and both
(06:51):
are willing to abide by thePCDM's decision, then it can
solve your issues quicker thanhaving to go to court.
So say, your ex wants to enrollyour child in a private school.
You think the public school isjust fine.
Instead of having to pay theattorney to file the motion, go
(07:14):
through the entire process ofwhat a motion entails the
mediation in most states andthen all the pre-meetings and
then the disclosure anddiscovery and all that stuff,
and then if you still can't cometo an agreement, then you're
having to go to trial.
A PCDM will just talk to bothsides and then makes a call,
(07:36):
hopefully within days, butprobably usually not more than
just a few weeks.
So that makes resolution a lotquicker and a lot faster.
And that's particularly thecase if two parties are
relatively reasonable and youhear me talk about this all the
time.
If you are amicable, if you arerelatively reasonable and you
(07:59):
just come to just a place whereyou cannot agree on something,
this would probably work well.
Pcdm would work well If you areinvolved with somebody who has
some mental emotion issues andis just not going to agree.
You've heard me describe it asnegotiating with a terrorist.
They are not going to agree.
(08:19):
You've heard me describe it asnegotiating with a terrorist.
They are not going to agree.
Pcdm may or may not be the bestcase scenario for you, as you
can imagine.
If that is the case, then we'regoing to talk about the
negatives and the costs.
You're going to be always there, which is going to be a cost,
but it will definitely becheaper than going to court and
(08:43):
that's the next positive.
So I'll pause some more of thenegatives around being involved
with a PCDM and somebody that isjust not ever going to agree
and has mental emotional issuesand is going to keep things high
conflict.
But another positive is lowerlegal costs.
As you probably know if you'relistening to this, lawyers
(09:03):
charge hundreds of dollars perhour and PCDMs usually cost
significantly less than that andcan solve your problems a lot
quicker.
Like I said, and I've workedwith a dad that was constantly
(09:48):
dragged into court over hisdaughter's soccer schedule.
If you can imagine that, whichif motion and then go to trial,
it just costs a couple hundredbucks to have the PCADM listen
to both sides.
If you're fighting and you'regoing through that, your stress
that's going to be felt in yourenvironment, your excess stress
(10:08):
that's going to be felt in herenvironment.
Kids pick up on that.
When fights get decided quickerwithout dragging everybody into
court, then the kids aredefinitely going to benefit.
They'll even start feelinghopefully they kids are
definitely going to benefit.
They could.
They'll even start feelinghopefully they don't feel like
pawns.
But if they do feel like pawns,then they're going to stop
feeling like pawns becauseyou're not going to be arguing
over stuff.
So so reducing stress for thekids is definitely one, and
(10:31):
reducing stress for yourself aswell, because if you're going
through this, it's stressful.
If you're having to go totrials is stressful as well.
So when you reduce your stress,the stress in your environment
is less and your kids are notgoing to feel that energy out
there.
(11:02):
Your ex is manipulative orconstantly twisting facts.
A good PCDM can cut throughthat.
They're trained to spot some ofthis BS and they're supposed to
be focused on the kid's bestinterests and not the adult
drama.
Now, like I said, this is notnecessarily always the case.
Some of them are not very good,just like any profession.
But also, if you're dealingwith somebody that might have
some personality disorder andthey're able to sway this PCDM
(11:26):
and make things more difficultfor you, then you just have
added a layer of somebody elseinto the equation that you have
to deal with and have tomitigate your ex manipulating as
well.
So, again, this is very nuancedand, depending upon your
specific situation and whatyou're going through, it is
(11:48):
highly recommended to talk tosomebody before just taking an
attorney or an attorney'srecommendation on this.
Some of you might not have achoice in this because the court
might just assign this.
But tread cautiously is whatI'm saying and I've said it five
(12:08):
times now and I'm going to sayit five more times, all right.
The negatives on a PCDM is thefirst you give up some control.
They can overrule you onparenting decisions.
For example.
One dad was fighting to keephis daughter off of social media
until she was age 16, but themom wanted to allow that and the
(12:33):
PC decided to allow that, andso obviously he did not like
that outcome but had norealistic way to fight it
without an expensive appeal.
Again, this does depend uponthe structure that you have.
If you have non-binding, then aPCDM can make a decision, and
(12:55):
if you don't like it, you canthen still proceed to court.
Now, that kind of defeats thepurpose of having a PCDM, but
sometimes that again, like Isaid, if two parties are
reasonable and will try to workthings out, or can usually work
most things out, but just havecome to a halt on a specific,
(13:15):
specific issue or decision, thenthat could work well.
A PCDM that has final say thenwould be the person and then you
would have to have a very big,long appeal process if you did
not like the decision, if it wasa binding decision.
So the next negative about itis inconsistent quality.
(13:39):
I alluded to this a little bitearlier.
Not all PCDMs are good.
We are all biased to someregard, and the courts are
biased, for sure, to a largeextent, and some PCDMs are
(13:59):
biased.
Some are just flat out lazy.
I have run into that personallymyself and didn't get their
stuff done.
Others are power hungry andwant to be the ones running your
life and so that, as you canimagine, turns into a nightmare.
One one dad shared that hisPCDM barely read the emails or
facts he submitted instead, orinstead just rubber stamping one
(14:20):
, whatever the mom said.
So if you are going to get intothe agreement with a PCDM, vet
them significantly, and maybethat would be another show that
we can talk about.
But your attorneys are going torecommend the PCMs that they
work with.
Your ex or soon to be exes aregoing to recommend the PCMs that
they work with.
(14:41):
Your ex or soon-to-be exes aregoing to recommend the PCDMs
that they typically work with.
If you haven't figured this outyet, family law court is a
cottage industry and everybodyknows everybody else.
So it's not like any of thesePCDMs are how would I phrase
this in a nice way?
(15:01):
They're not based upon any kindof performance rated criteria.
That's the best way that I canput it.
So just because your attorneyrecommends it doesn't mean that
this is a terrific PCDM.
Maybe they've had some goodexperiences with some of their
(15:23):
clients, maybe they haven't.
Even so, it's incumbent upon youjust like I talk about all the
time you are the coach of thisdivorce team to vet this PCDM.
It would be the same as theepisodes that I have talked
about in how you vet yourattorney.
I would talk to the PCDMsbefore.
I would get their take on theirfeelings around fatherhood and
(15:46):
the importance of fathering,masculinity, etc.
I would also ask them if theyhave any.
If you're in high conflict andor you think that your ex is,
you think, or your ex has beendiagnosed with a personality
disorder, talk with them aboutthat and their abilities to
handle situations like that,because that's a really, really
(16:08):
big one.
The probability is that you'regoing to be saddled with this
person for multiple years inmaking decisions.
So you want to make sure, asanybody that's going to be
making decisions on behalf ofyour family, that you have
vetted these people and that youfeel incredibly comfortable in
it.
This was a mistake that I made.
This is also a mistake thatI've seen lots of guys make,
(16:30):
which is just agree to one ofthem.
Now you might not be able toget to do that because the court
might just assign it and thenyou're stuck.
But if you can, if you can vet,make sure to do it and go into
detail with them.
The next negative is that thereis some added costs.
While it's cheaper than court,pcdm fees aren't free.
(16:51):
You're usually going to splitthe cost and it can add up.
However, you can create thissituation any way you like.
One thing that I've seen someof the time is that if both
parties will agree that if thePCM decides in the favor of one
party or the other, then theother party has to pay the PCDM
(17:15):
fee.
Now what this does is itencourages people to negotiate
and come to terms with things,but it also dissuades people
from coming to the PCDM with anissue if they're just maybe
being obstinate and don't have areally good argument, because
if they lose that argument andthe PC rules against them,
(17:37):
they're going to have to paythose fees.
So that's maybe a little checkand balance that you can put in
there.
That might help you a littlebit, especially if the finances
are an issue and you want tomake sure to do whatever you can
to dissuade the other partyfrom perpetually bringing stuff
(17:57):
up and into the court and notcoming to some sort of agreement
.
All right.
The last negative on a PCDM isthe potential for
micromanagement.
I mentioned the power-hungryones earlier.
A bad PC can start insertingthemselves into everything that
every parenting move that you'vegot going on.
(18:19):
So imagine getting emails aboutbedtime disputes, or we can
pick up locations.
You can end up gettingsuffocated and resent, losing
the freedom to parent your way.
We have already, by justentering into family law courts,
relinquished some of thatfreedom.
So the less freedom that werelinquish the better,
(18:41):
particularly considering thefact that there is a bias that
is against us in the family lawcourt.
So that is a major, majorconsideration and I'll say it
one more time that make sure totalk with somebody in intimate
detail about whether or not thisis a good decision.
I've seen lots of guys getsaddled with PCDMs that just end
(19:05):
up being an absolute nightmare.
I've experienced that myself aswell that it was not a good
experience and so.
But I've also heard goodexperiences too.
So the devil is in the detailsand while you're going through
this your first time, you mightnot know what those details are.
And again, find a divorce coach.
(19:27):
That's going to help you withall of this, that's going to
help you sort through it andlook at things from a macro
perspective.
So having a parental coordinatoror decision maker it can be a
lifesaver or nightmare.
It really depends on theprofessional assigned, how well
both parents cooperate and howmuch you're willing to let go of
maybe winning every battle.
(19:47):
If you're considering or stuckwith a PCDM, treat it like a
business deal.
Be as professional as you can.
No, just be professional.
Document everything, pick yourbattles, protect your
relationship with your kidsabove all other things for sure,
all right.
(20:08):
Well, that's all I've got forthe PCDM.
Feel free to reach out to me atjude at thedivorcedadvocatecom,
if you've got questions on this.
Again, it is complex andnuanced and not something that
everybody knows about, andattorneys like to recommend it
(20:29):
often and it can be good, but itcan also be a nightmare, so
just beware.
Hope you found some value inthis topic today.
If you did, please share it farand wide everywhere you can.
Social media friends Get thishelp not only gets you, but
everybody, every other dad outthere the help and support that
(20:50):
they need and deserve.
Do me one solid and give me astar rating on whatever podcast
platform you're listening, orgive me a comment that helps
other dads read that and want totune in and get help for
themselves as well.
Thank you so much for listeningthis week.
I sincerely appreciate it andGod bless.
Hello and welcome to the show.
Thank you so much for tuning inthis week and listening.
I sincerely appreciate it.
Today we're going to talk aboutwhether or not you should
welcome a parental coordinatoror decision maker into your
divorce or divorce case.
Those are sometimes also calleda PC slash DM, parental
(00:23):
coordinator being the PCdecision maker, being the DM, pc
DM.
We have lots of guys that talkabout this as to whether it's a
positive or negative in theircase, and it came up again on
our group call this weekend andalso with another guy that's in
our group as well.
So I realized that I hadn'ttalked about this on the show
(00:48):
and it's an important potentialthing that could be beneficial
or it could be negative.
But before we jump into this inspecific detail, let me just
welcome our three new members tothe Divorced Advocate community
, that is, nate, jake and John.
(01:12):
Welcome to the community and ifyou're not part of it yet,
check out the Divorced Advocatewebsite at
thedivorcedadvocatecom.
All kinds of resources, fromfree to paid, there to help you
get through this difficult andchallenging time.
And if you find something, orif you're looking for something
and you can't find it on awebsite, I would sincerely
appreciate if you would reachout to me and let me know that
(01:33):
it is something that you need,and perhaps it is a resource
that I have in my back pocket orI haven't thought about and we
need to get that up there andhelp out some other guys as well
.
So check out the website andjump in.
Do not self-isolate throughthis.
Listen to the podcast, reachout to other divorced dads, get
the help that you deserve andneed.
(01:54):
All right, so should you welcomea parental coordinator or
decision maker PCDM into yourdivorce?
So the idea of one of thesefolks, a PCDM, might feel like a
loss of controls, becausesometimes courts will assign a
PCDM to a case, especially whenparents are in high conflict or
(02:22):
they're consistently maybe stuckon a single big issue.
Sometimes parties will agree tothat because of a suggestion by
their attorney or attorneys, soit's normal to feel suspicious
or defensive about it.
What I've found is that lots ofguys don't really know the ins
(02:42):
and outs of the PCDM and theconsequences good and bad of
that.
So there's a mix of positivesand negatives, and so we're
going to talk about those todaywith some real-life examples to
try to make it clear.
It's going to be pretty shortand sweet.
There is not a ton of stuff togo over as far as positives and
(03:04):
negatives, and they're mostlysuper surface level, really, and
what I would say up front hereis take a listen to these if
you've got one or if yourattorney is recommending one,
but it is very nuanced to eachindividual divorce.
Lots of things in divorce arenuanced to your specific and
(03:26):
individual divorce, because nofamily is exactly like your
family.
This is, in particular and,with that said, I highly
recommend that, before you makethis decision, you talk to a
divorce coach about whether thisis a good idea or not,
particularly because they'regonna be able to look at things
from a more macro perspectiveand they're going to know a lot
(03:50):
more about your case.
The divorce coach is going toknow a lot more about your ex
and kind of the dynamic, and sothey're going to help you to
sort through whether or not itis a good decision or not.
Again, the attorneys have anarrow perspective around this.
Lots of them like it and we'llprobably get into this a little
(04:12):
bit but lots of them like itbecause it takes things out of
their hands and keeps couples orex-couples families from being
back in their offices and incourt.
That's one of the reasons.
Also, the courts like it, but,as we're going to talk about, it
is not always necessarily thebest thing for you and for your
(04:35):
family or for your kiddos.
So again, the courts, attorneys, everybody that is involved,
has their narrow perspectivearound this.
Before you decide, get with adivorce coach, chat with them
about this as well as let themget to know your entire
situation so that they can helpyou make a decision.
Let's start with some of thepositives.
(04:55):
The first is that there'sfaster resolutions to fights and
disagreements or where thingsjust can't get worked out, and
instead of sending emails backand forth or waiting for an
extended period of time.
Some courts are up to gosh.
I've heard like up to a year toget a court date and get in
front of a magistrate or a judge, and sometimes those even get
(05:21):
extended.
A PCDM can step in and solvethe issues much quickly.
Now, when a court appoints thisor you agree to have the court
appoint it, what they do, whatthe PCDM does, is they will
listen to both sides of theparty and then they will make a
decision based on what they feelis the best interest of the
(05:43):
kiddos in the situation and thenyou are typically bound to that
decision.
I will say that there aredifferent ways that you can
structure this.
Again, this is why it's reallyimportant to talk to a divorce
coach about this.
There are different ways thatyou can structure your PCD.
Most of them are not binding.
(06:04):
So they can make a decision,they can reduce it to paper and
submit it to the court, but itis not binding.
You can make it binding.
However, those have their ownimplications in and of itself.
If you give bindingauthorization to a third party
to make a decision then, as youcan imagine, that can
(06:28):
potentially lead to a loss ofcontrol or some real issues
around not having enoughopportunity to state your case
or if it is a biased PCDM, thenthat could be a long-term
problem for you.
But in the best case scenario,if you've got a PCDM and both
(06:51):
are willing to abide by thePCDM's decision, then it can
solve your issues quicker thanhaving to go to court.
So say, your ex wants to enrollyour child in a private school.
You think the public school isjust fine.
Instead of having to pay theattorney to file the motion, go
(07:14):
through the entire process ofwhat a motion entails the
mediation in most states andthen all the pre-meetings and
then the disclosure anddiscovery and all that stuff,
and then if you still can't cometo an agreement, then you're
having to go to trial.
A PCDM will just talk to bothsides and then makes a call,
(07:36):
hopefully within days, butprobably usually not more than
just a few weeks.
So that makes resolution a lotquicker and a lot faster.
And that's particularly thecase if two parties are
relatively reasonable and youhear me talk about this all the
time.
If you are amicable, if you arerelatively reasonable and you
(07:59):
just come to just a place whereyou cannot agree on something,
this would probably work well.
Pcdm would work well If you areinvolved with somebody who has
some mental emotion issues andis just not going to agree.
You've heard me describe it asnegotiating with a terrorist.
They are not going to agree.
(08:19):
You've heard me describe it asnegotiating with a terrorist.
They are not going to agree.
Pcdm may or may not be the bestcase scenario for you, as you
can imagine.
If that is the case, then we'regoing to talk about the
negatives and the costs.
You're going to be always there, which is going to be a cost,
but it will definitely becheaper than going to court and
(08:43):
that's the next positive.
So I'll pause some more of thenegatives around being involved
with a PCDM and somebody that isjust not ever going to agree
and has mental emotional issuesand is going to keep things high
conflict.
But another positive is lowerlegal costs.
As you probably know if you'relistening to this, lawyers
(09:03):
charge hundreds of dollars perhour and PCDMs usually cost
significantly less than that andcan solve your problems a lot
quicker.
Like I said, and I've workedwith a dad that was constantly
(09:48):
dragged into court over hisdaughter's soccer schedule.
If you can imagine that, whichif motion and then go to trial,
it just costs a couple hundredbucks to have the PCADM listen
to both sides.
If you're fighting and you'regoing through that, your stress
that's going to be felt in yourenvironment, your excess stress
(10:08):
that's going to be felt in herenvironment.
Kids pick up on that.
When fights get decided quickerwithout dragging everybody into
court, then the kids aredefinitely going to benefit.
They'll even start feelinghopefully they kids are
definitely going to benefit.
They could.
They'll even start feelinghopefully they don't feel like
pawns.
But if they do feel like pawns,then they're going to stop
feeling like pawns becauseyou're not going to be arguing
over stuff.
So so reducing stress for thekids is definitely one, and
(10:31):
reducing stress for yourself aswell, because if you're going
through this, it's stressful.
If you're having to go totrials is stressful as well.
So when you reduce your stress,the stress in your environment
is less and your kids are notgoing to feel that energy out
there.
(11:02):
Your ex is manipulative orconstantly twisting facts.
A good PCDM can cut throughthat.
They're trained to spot some ofthis BS and they're supposed to
be focused on the kid's bestinterests and not the adult
drama.
Now, like I said, this is notnecessarily always the case.
Some of them are not very good,just like any profession.
But also, if you're dealingwith somebody that might have
some personality disorder andthey're able to sway this PCDM
(11:26):
and make things more difficultfor you, then you just have
added a layer of somebody elseinto the equation that you have
to deal with and have tomitigate your ex manipulating as
well.
So, again, this is very nuancedand, depending upon your
specific situation and whatyou're going through, it is
(11:48):
highly recommended to talk tosomebody before just taking an
attorney or an attorney'srecommendation on this.
Some of you might not have achoice in this because the court
might just assign this.
But tread cautiously is whatI'm saying and I've said it five
(12:08):
times now and I'm going to sayit five more times, all right.
The negatives on a PCDM is thefirst you give up some control.
They can overrule you onparenting decisions.
For example.
One dad was fighting to keephis daughter off of social media
until she was age 16, but themom wanted to allow that and the
(12:33):
PC decided to allow that, andso obviously he did not like
that outcome but had norealistic way to fight it
without an expensive appeal.
Again, this does depend uponthe structure that you have.
If you have non-binding, then aPCDM can make a decision, and
(12:55):
if you don't like it, you canthen still proceed to court.
Now, that kind of defeats thepurpose of having a PCDM, but
sometimes that again, like Isaid, if two parties are
reasonable and will try to workthings out, or can usually work
most things out, but just havecome to a halt on a specific,
(13:15):
specific issue or decision, thenthat could work well.
A PCDM that has final say thenwould be the person and then you
would have to have a very big,long appeal process if you did
not like the decision, if it wasa binding decision.
So the next negative about itis inconsistent quality.
(13:39):
I alluded to this a little bitearlier.
Not all PCDMs are good.
We are all biased to someregard, and the courts are
biased, for sure, to a largeextent, and some PCDMs are
(13:59):
biased.
Some are just flat out lazy.
I have run into that personallymyself and didn't get their
stuff done.
Others are power hungry andwant to be the ones running your
life and so that, as you canimagine, turns into a nightmare.
One one dad shared that hisPCDM barely read the emails or
facts he submitted instead, orinstead just rubber stamping one
(14:20):
, whatever the mom said.
So if you are going to get intothe agreement with a PCDM, vet
them significantly, and maybethat would be another show that
we can talk about.
But your attorneys are going torecommend the PCMs that they
work with.
Your ex or soon to be exes aregoing to recommend the PCMs that
they work with.
(14:41):
Your ex or soon-to-be exes aregoing to recommend the PCDMs
that they typically work with.
If you haven't figured this outyet, family law court is a
cottage industry and everybodyknows everybody else.
So it's not like any of thesePCDMs are how would I phrase
this in a nice way?
(15:01):
They're not based upon any kindof performance rated criteria.
That's the best way that I canput it.
So just because your attorneyrecommends it doesn't mean that
this is a terrific PCDM.
Maybe they've had some goodexperiences with some of their
(15:23):
clients, maybe they haven't.
Even so, it's incumbent upon youjust like I talk about all the
time you are the coach of thisdivorce team to vet this PCDM.
It would be the same as theepisodes that I have talked
about in how you vet yourattorney.
I would talk to the PCDMsbefore.
I would get their take on theirfeelings around fatherhood and
(15:46):
the importance of fathering,masculinity, etc.
I would also ask them if theyhave any.
If you're in high conflict andor you think that your ex is,
you think, or your ex has beendiagnosed with a personality
disorder, talk with them aboutthat and their abilities to
handle situations like that,because that's a really, really
(16:08):
big one.
The probability is that you'regoing to be saddled with this
person for multiple years inmaking decisions.
So you want to make sure, asanybody that's going to be
making decisions on behalf ofyour family, that you have
vetted these people and that youfeel incredibly comfortable in
it.
This was a mistake that I made.
This is also a mistake thatI've seen lots of guys make,
(16:30):
which is just agree to one ofthem.
Now you might not be able toget to do that because the court
might just assign it and thenyou're stuck.
But if you can, if you can vet,make sure to do it and go into
detail with them.
The next negative is that thereis some added costs.
While it's cheaper than court,pcdm fees aren't free.
(16:51):
You're usually going to splitthe cost and it can add up.
However, you can create thissituation any way you like.
One thing that I've seen someof the time is that if both
parties will agree that if thePCM decides in the favor of one
party or the other, then theother party has to pay the PCDM
(17:15):
fee.
Now what this does is itencourages people to negotiate
and come to terms with things,but it also dissuades people
from coming to the PCDM with anissue if they're just maybe
being obstinate and don't have areally good argument, because
if they lose that argument andthe PC rules against them,
(17:37):
they're going to have to paythose fees.
So that's maybe a little checkand balance that you can put in
there.
That might help you a littlebit, especially if the finances
are an issue and you want tomake sure to do whatever you can
to dissuade the other partyfrom perpetually bringing stuff
(17:57):
up and into the court and notcoming to some sort of agreement
.
All right.
The last negative on a PCDM isthe potential for
micromanagement.
I mentioned the power-hungryones earlier.
A bad PC can start insertingthemselves into everything that
every parenting move that you'vegot going on.
(18:19):
So imagine getting emails aboutbedtime disputes, or we can
pick up locations.
You can end up gettingsuffocated and resent, losing
the freedom to parent your way.
We have already, by justentering into family law courts,
relinquished some of thatfreedom.
So the less freedom that werelinquish the better,
(18:41):
particularly considering thefact that there is a bias that
is against us in the family lawcourt.
So that is a major, majorconsideration and I'll say it
one more time that make sure totalk with somebody in intimate
detail about whether or not thisis a good decision.
I've seen lots of guys getsaddled with PCDMs that just end
(19:05):
up being an absolute nightmare.
I've experienced that myself aswell that it was not a good
experience and so.
But I've also heard goodexperiences too.
So the devil is in the detailsand while you're going through
this your first time, you mightnot know what those details are.
And again, find a divorce coach.
(19:27):
That's going to help you withall of this, that's going to
help you sort through it andlook at things from a macro
perspective.
So having a parental coordinatoror decision maker it can be a
lifesaver or nightmare.
It really depends on theprofessional assigned, how well
both parents cooperate and howmuch you're willing to let go of
maybe winning every battle.
(19:47):
If you're considering or stuckwith a PCDM, treat it like a
business deal.
Be as professional as you can.
No, just be professional.
Document everything, pick yourbattles, protect your
relationship with your kidsabove all other things for sure,
all right.
(20:08):
Well, that's all I've got forthe PCDM.
Feel free to reach out to me atjude at thedivorcedadvocatecom,
if you've got questions on this.
Again, it is complex andnuanced and not something that
everybody knows about, andattorneys like to recommend it
(20:29):
often and it can be good, but itcan also be a nightmare, so
just beware.
Hope you found some value inthis topic today.
If you did, please share it farand wide everywhere you can.
Social media friends Get thishelp not only gets you, but
everybody, every other dad outthere the help and support that
(20:50):
they need and deserve.
Do me one solid and give me astar rating on whatever podcast
platform you're listening, orgive me a comment that helps
other dads read that and want totune in and get help for
themselves as well.
Thank you so much for listeningthis week.
I sincerely appreciate it andGod bless.
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