May 12, 2025 • 39 mins
Feeling overwhelmed by divorce? You're not alone. The journey through divorce as a dad presents unique challenges that can leave even the most confident men feeling lost and uncertain about the future.
Divorce coaching has emerged as a crucial resource for fathers navigating this difficult transition. While attorneys focus solely on legal matters, therapists on emotional healing, and financial advisors on money concerns, a divorce coach provides the comprehensive guidance needed to integrate these perspectives into a cohesive strategy tailored to your specific situation.
In this episode, I outline seven compelling reasons why hiring a divorce coach should be your first step—even before retaining an attorney.
Join our Signal Channel: https://shorturl.at/8yqTb
Join The Divorce Dadvocate Membership Community - FULL Episodes - Live Meetings – FREE Workshops & Courses – Private Discussion Groups & MORE! - https://thedivorceddadvocate.com/membership-tiers/
How Are You Adjusting To Your Divorce? Find out in this quiz - http://www.thedivorceddadvocate.com/divorce-quiz.html
*FREE Dads Guide To Divorce* How to survive and thrive during and after divorce: http://www.dadsguidetodivorce.com
Don't suffer in silence! Get relief from the pain and confusion of your divorce and schedule your FREE, No Obligation Coaching Consultation - schedule a time directly into my schedule at www.TalkWithJude.com.
Join other divorced dads who have experienced or are experiencing divorce in this FREE Divorced Dads Online Meetup Group - https://www.meetup.com/Divorced-Dads-Meetup-Group/
Other Resources:
The Divorced Dadvocate Website - http://www.TheDivorcedDadvocate.com
The Divorced Dadvocate YouTube Channel - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GeSwx-F8KK4&list=PLT4HyN5ishYJznK51205ESxGZ2d19YkBp
The Divorced Dadvocate Podcast - https://thedivorceddadvocate.buzzsprout.com/
Divorced Dads Online Meetup Group - https://www.meetup.com/Divorced-Dads-Meetup-Group/
The Divorced Dadvocate Facebook Group - https://www.facebook.com/thedivorceddadvocate/
Music credit: Akira the Don
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
Hello and welcome to the Divorced Dadvocate Divorce
Support for Dads, where we helpdads create a healthy and less
traumatic divorce.
My name is Jude Sandoval andI'm your host.
I created this podcast in theDivorced Advocate community as a
result of my own high conflictdivorce and because you, as a
dad, deserve all the resourcesnecessary to thrive through this
(00:39):
challenging time.
I encourage you to check outour website at
thedivorcedadvocatecom, wherethere are resources that
correspond to this episode, aswell as free access to our
membership community, where youwill find live meetings, free
workshops and courses, privatediscussion groups and more.
And now on to this week'sepisode.
(01:01):
Hello and welcome to thisweek's episode.
Hello and welcome to thisweek's episode.
Today we're going to be talkingabout why you need a divorce
coach and we're going to talkabout some reasons, as well as
some benefits, to hiring adivorce coach.
But before we chat about that, Ijust wanted to say that I hope
(01:24):
everybody all of my dad friendsout there listening that
celebrated Christmas, had a goodChristmas.
I know that it may have been achallenging time for you,
wherever you're at in yourdivorce At this point.
The holidays, particularlyChristmas, at least for me was
difficult and challengingparticularly Christmas, at least
(01:45):
for me, was difficult andchallenging, but if you're
listening to this and you'retuning in, this is the day after
and you are strong and you gotthrough it and I'm proud of you
and keep it up.
I promise that as you getthrough more holidays and you go
through this process, that theywill become much more
fulfilling, particularly if theywere challenging for you this
(02:09):
time.
So hope you had a MerryChristmas and let's look forward
to this coming new year in 2023.
So I realized this week, on thatnote of 2023 and assessing some
of the important things thatwe've done here in the Divorced
(02:30):
Advocate community and some ofthe successes we've had, and
reviewing some of my coachingclients and talking with some of
them about the good things thathave happened in their coaching
and in their lives and the workthat we've been doing, that I
had never done an episode aboutcoaching and why it's important
(02:52):
for you to have a coach, and Iknow that there's thousands of
you that are listening andlisten for all of the tips that
we talk about and all of theexpert advice that is given by
all of my colleagues that comeon and talk, but we've never
really talked about divorcecoaching and it is something now
that has become fairly commonin the divorce world,
(03:18):
particularly in Westerndeveloped countries.
And I did a quick Google searchbefore getting on here and
there's pages and pages ofdivorce coaches now which I
wasn't entirely aware of.
And now, obviously, that seemslike I'm a little bit sheltered,
considering that I am a divorcecoach and that I do divorce
(03:39):
coaching every single day, but Ithink that's the reason why
well, I know the reason why I'misolated, because I'm pretty
focused on dads specifically,but the other thing that I find
that is important about thepoint that there are pages and
pages of divorce coaches is thatit's becoming something that is
(04:00):
common, but out of out ofdemand always comes some kind of
unique creation or or serviceor a product or something.
So we see this all the timewith the advent of social media
sites and tick tock these daysBack back in my day, it was what
(04:20):
was it?
Myspace and we see it, andwe've just seen it across
history.
So I feel like the fact that itis becoming more commonplace is
an indicator that it is becomingmore important for people in
divorce and I would say dads,especially in divorce to be
looking at finding a divorcecoach, and so, on that note,
(04:44):
let's start off with sevenreasons why you need a divorce
coach, and the first one is youneed one if this is your first
divorce, maybe even if it isyour second or third divorce,
even more importantly, but thepoint being is that you are
(05:05):
going through something for thefirst time ever.
You've never experienced thisbefore, you've never gone
through divorce.
You don't know what to expect.
You've maybe seen things on TV,heard things from friends about
divorce, but don't really knowthe ins and outs and the nitty
gritty about the entire process,and that's not just the legal
(05:29):
process.
The legal process in and ofitself is overwhelming and
intricate and complicated andnot structured to be
user-friendly, which is bydesign so that we have to use
attorneys, which is by design sothat we have to use attorneys,
(05:50):
but also in the sense that it'scomplex because it is the
melding of lots of differentthings happening and we're going
to talk about this and some ofthe next reasons why.
But there's a lot of emotionsgoing on.
There's a lot hanging in thebalance from a financial
standpoint.
There's a lot hanging in thebalance from the standpoint of a
(06:10):
future relationship with yourchildren.
So if you haven't done anythinglots of times and whatever,
whatever you're in, whateverkind of work, you do think about
the first time you did it andwhether or not you were
proficient and knowledgeable atit and whether or not now you
(06:32):
are after doing it for such anamount, such a vast amount of
time.
And so that goes the same withdivorce.
Divorce I remember the just notunderstanding and really knowing
the process for going throughthe legal system, and at the
(06:53):
time my first attorney was notvery efficient or very good at
communicating that with me.
So it was very uncertain all ofthe time and I just didn't know
.
And sometimes I asked questionsand sometimes I got and I just
didn't know.
And sometimes I ask questionsand sometimes I got answers,
sometimes I didn't, andsometimes I didn't answer or ask
the questions that I needed to.
But when you have a divorcecoach, their understanding of
(07:17):
this legal process andparticularly if you've had
somebody like I've literallybeen through just about every
stage, and the only reason Ihesitate to say that is because
if I say it and there isn't one,I feel like the universe is
going to put me through it justso I can have to learn that.
(07:40):
But that's okay.
That's still going to be ablessing because I can help more
of you the more I go throughmore of these things.
But whether it is pre-divorcegoing through nesting, going
through the mediation process,actually going to trial or
settling post-divorce withparallel parenting or going back
to court and how you do thatand all this, depositions, all
(08:04):
kinds of stuff, I've just seen aton of it which you know when
you're going through it thefirst time and even this past
year was the first time for meto go through depositions it's
very, very disconcerting anduncomfortable because you just
don't know what it is.
But now I've got it under mybelt and I can share with you
what that's like and what youcan expect and what you need to
(08:27):
do to prepare, et cetera.
And so that's the number onetop.
I would say that's reasonnumber one on my list, but it's
also the top reason.
It's just because you haven'tbeen through it before.
Number two is your brain isoperating on adrenaline and fear
(08:49):
.
So we are designed to work offof the polyvagal system in our
minds and in our bodies and whatthat is the fight, flight or
freeze and so it's just beenmillennia that we work off of
(09:09):
that.
And now, while we're not insurvival mode and trying to find
food or just survive throughthe day, when things come up
like this and something very bigand complex and scary and
uncertain in our lives comes uplike divorce, then our body does
react in that same old way thatwe've been patterned to for so
(09:35):
many hundreds of thousands ofyears.
And so what that can do is man.
It can make you, it can put youinto this whole scenario of
drowning in the, in the what ifsand and for.
For guys, our masculine natureis really wanting to have a
linear path for where we'regoing and how we're going to get
(09:55):
there, and so I don't knowabout you this might describe
you, it definitely described meis thinking about all the what
ifs, what if this happened, andthen what if that happened, and
then what if?
That scenario and then it's likeA, b, c, d, and then A to C or
maybe B to C to D, or plan B,plan C, and what is going to
happen and what it just canabsolutely just create just
(10:20):
chaos in your brain and it couldalso lead to making it
difficult and some mental fogaround making decisions, around
stuff, because there's so muchso many things going on.
It's so complex and you've gotso many what ifs going through
your mind and there are a lot ofwhat ifs.
There's not a ton that we cancontrol and you've heard me
(10:41):
probably say this before otherthan our emotions or how we
react to our emotions and to anyof the situations, but there's
not a ton that we can controldefinitively through the process
.
So that's something also that acoach is going to help you work
with is sorting through some ofthat.
Sorting through all of that andtrying to get you to come out
(11:05):
of that adrenaline and fear andthat reaction type way that we
just are naturally andphysiologically designed to
react to difficult andchallenging situations or scary
survival situations in our lives.
Scary survival situations inour lives.
(11:32):
Number three if you were not incharge of or don't have a firm
grasp of, your finances or yourfinancial records and don't know
how to act as them or what todo with them or anything about
them, perhaps you abdicated thatresponsibility and now you're
thinking, oh, I don't know whatI'm going to do or how I'm going
to do it.
Or even if you were in thecharge of them and you are the
(11:57):
one that handles and takes careof everything.
There are huge implicationsaround finances when you're
going through divorce, hugeimplications around finances
when you're going throughdivorce.
And that can be even if it's asimple divorce and it's perhaps
not as complicated as owningbusinesses and separating
businesses or properties oranything like that, but it can.
(12:17):
It's also going to.
It's going to no matter whatjust the basic math about it is
going to have serious financialimplications in your life, and I
don't think anybody can denythat.
Because you're taking onehousehold, splitting it into two
, and that's two sets of billswith one similar or at least not
(12:43):
too much more, too muchdifferent income than what was
before.
So the simple math says well,that's going to have a strain or
a burden on finances.
So, at the very least, workingthrough that and understanding
and setting yourself up forsuccess going forward.
Because what happens oftentimeswith the dads that I am in
(13:05):
contact with or that I'mcoaching is that they really
want to just make things okay,they want to be nice, they want
to figure things out, they justwant to settle, make it
difficult on the kids and indoing so they make agreements
that put them in very direfinancial straits and that is
(13:26):
not a positive, because thenwhat happens is it creates a
stress and a burden on you.
That then translates into yourrelationships with your children
, your relationships in general,but specifically to your
relationships with your children.
Because if you're stressed outabout money and how you're going
to support the family and whatyou're going to do, or even if
(13:47):
it's as dire as your next mealor shelter or clothing, then
that is not going to be a goodplace.
So avoiding that is huge andit's really the time to do.
It is up front.
When you're going through thedivorce, it is so much harder to
do after the fact.
When you're going through thedivorce, it is so much harder to
(14:09):
do after the fact.
So for those of you that arelistening right now that have
not settled or come to anagreement or are post-divorce,
just keep that in mind.
It's critical that you workthat out and figure that out in
an amicable way that's going tobe fair to both parties and
everybody, because ultimatelyit's not fair to the kids if one
(14:29):
party or the other isstruggling.
Number four your confidence isshot Now.
So this is a tough one as guys.
Right Because, right Becauseand I'll tell you what man I've
(15:01):
seen.
I've seen some high poweredCEOs and some, some fellows that
are very prominent in theirfields and have responsibilities
for hundreds of people in theconfidence ass for sure.
Because no matter what we werecapable of before, no matter
what we were doing, whatever wedesigned before, whatever we
thought we had, whatever wethought we wanted to have, this
just comes at, just does anumber on our confidence,
(15:23):
particularly if we are served byour soon-to-be ex or our ex.
Because what happens there isbeing, as Bruce Fisher, dr Bruce
Fisher says in his book,rebuilding we become the dumpy.
We're the ones that are servedpapers.
And then the emotional,mental-em, emotional dynamic is
(15:45):
a little bit different,primarily in the sense that the
party that serves the papers hasprobably been thinking about
this for a little while,hopefully, has been thinking
about this for a little while,and has done more processing
around this and potentially more, hopefully, some healing around
(16:05):
it and and put some serious uhthought in in game plan, et
cetera, around this.
And then so for the ones thatgets uh in 70, more than 70% of
men are the ones that are servedpapers.
So we're, we are behind theeight ball, if you will, because
we immediately have our shockand no matter what happens and
(16:31):
no matter the situation, I thinkthat any time this happens,
unless there is a real consciouseffort to talk through it and
this is when we're going to fileand one person is going to
serve the other person becausethat just has to be the way it
is that there's going to be somelevel of shock and that's going
to take a hit on our confidence.
(16:52):
So, no matter how confident youare as a man, in your masculine
nature, as a father, that thisis going to have an impact on
your confidence.
And then what happens is andthis happened to me too is you
start second guessing yourselfand you start thinking well, is
that?
Did I do that wrong, or did Ido that right?
(17:14):
Or, in current situations,should I do this, should I make
that decision?
And then that goes to the whatifs, number two.
So what ifs?
And then you have troubles.
You know you get that brain fogand then you might have
paralysis by analysis.
And that again is where a coachcan come in, can help you sort
things out, particularly a solidcoach that's got a system, like
(17:36):
my five point system for goingthrough this, that that we work
through in a system, in tryingto figure out and work this out
from a macro perspective, notjust specifically in one thing
or another.
And let me touch on that alittle bit too, because the
first thing we always hear isthat you got to hire an attorney
(17:59):
and that's probably the worstthing that you can do.
Actually and I'm not justbecause I am a coach and that
I'm biased is the first thing Iwould say is hire a coach.
So when you're going andstarting a team, they don't hire
, they at least wouldn't beprudent.
And as far as I see, most ofthe time you don't go out and
you like hire the running backor the or the goalie or one of
(18:23):
the players.
First, you hire the coach.
Right, you're going to hire acoach to help you build that and
sort through and figure out whoyou want on your team.
So finding a coach would be thefirst thing that I would
recommend.
And you might say, oh, okay,well, I don't have the money for
that because I'm going to haveto pay attorney's fees.
(18:44):
And then what the simple mathyou just talked about, jude, is?
It's going to be much moreexpensive for me, but I can
guarantee you that you are goingto save money just on
attorney's fees and not havingto ask them questions, not
having to have them be yourtherapist, not having them to
have to hold your hand throughthe process, having you be
(19:06):
prepared.
100% of the attorneys that Ihave worked with or I work with
are happy to work with coachesbecause they know that their
clients are going to be betterprepared.
And you might think thatattorneys don't want that, but
attorneys do want that becausethey're focused on getting
through the legal process.
That is their focus, and sothat's my next point is you're
(19:28):
going to have them focused onthe legal process.
You're going to have afinancial planner or an
accountant focused on that.
Maybe you're kind of atherapist also, which I highly
recommend Focus on your mental,emotional states.
So all of these people are goingto be siloed into their little
areas that they have, theirexpertise and what they want to
see happen in the context ofyour divorce and how this
(19:50):
process works.
Well, that might not alwaysmesh with each other, and then
all you're doing is adding tothis, this chaos in your mind
and the what ifs, and then whatcomes next is et cetera, and if
you don't have some, and thenyou, then you pour in your
emotions to all of that andhaving to deal with your, your
soon to be ex or your ex, andthen the kids, and it's just a
(20:12):
recipe for chaos.
So if you have a coach that'shelping you through this process
and helping you to look at allof this and work through and
take what each one of thoseindividuals is saying to you and
then you and then help you todecide what is going to be best
for you in the long run, becausethat's not the same for
everybody.
And attorneys like to getthrough the process.
(20:33):
They know which hoops to jumpthrough, they know how to do it
and they know the process, butthey don't necessarily know what
is going to be the best for you.
Neither does your financialplanner or accountant, neither
does your therapist 100% Onlyyou do.
But sorting through that,particularly in this difficult,
challenging, stressful time, canbe an absolute feeling of an
(20:55):
insurmountable task, and sogetting a coach to help you sort
through that once a week for anhour is going to be way, way,
way better and a better start,and financially better too.
And the second part of thatfinancial is first, it's going
to save you with attorneys atthe very least.
But second, what I just spoketo about the finances you're not
(21:16):
going to get into a financialsituation if you have a good
coach that you're set up poorlyfor the future because they're
going to help you talk throughthat and figure out what's going
to be best for you, solong-term that's going to work
out for you as well.
That saves money in having togo back to court or having to go
back and redo things if yourparenting plan isn't right or
(21:39):
you're having issues or youdidn't see something coming that
a coach might be able to sayhey, have you considered this?
So I guarantee it, I've neverhad a client say, man, this just
has not been worth the money.
It's always always worth themoney.
Okay, enough of that.
The number five is you areseeing red in everything.
(22:02):
You're just angry.
You're angry all of the time.
And so here's the thing is,it's okay and it's okay to be
angry, but this being angry andhow you you exhibit your
behaviors when you are angry canhave a huge impact on the
(22:22):
outcome of your divorce and itcan have a huge impact on the
future relationship you havewith your kids.
Now again, there's nothinginherently wrong with being
angry, particularly if you'rethe one that gets served and you
didn't see it coming and youfeel there's injustice or
(22:43):
infidelity or whatever it mightbe.
I know, I've been there, I'vefelt this, but what you do with
it and how you go about it ishuge and a coach is going to
help you from walking off thatcliff and making things much
worse for yourself than it couldbe because you got angry.
(23:06):
And a really good coach isgoing to help you take that
anger and take it through thegrief process, because anger is
one of the stages and steps forgrieving, and so a good coach is
going to help you to understandthat and then also help you to
utilize that going forward inhow to take that anger, how to
(23:30):
use it in the grieving process,how to heal and then come to
some sort of acceptance and moveforward and get healthy and
have that life 2.0.
So, absolutely positively, ahuge one.
Particularly if you know thatyou've got maybe some angry
outbursts or anger issues or yousuppress your anger or you just
(23:51):
feel rage inside.
Make sure to get a coach thatcan help you with that, and we
can also help in conjunctionwith a therapist as well.
But what we're going to do andhow we're going to do
differently than that was.
We're going to talk aboutspecific scenarios in creating
that environment.
One of the steps is one of thesteps in my five-step process is
(24:13):
optimizing your environment.
So we're going to optimize yourenvironment for success and not
for potential triggers andgetting angry or having any kind
of confrontation and stuff likethat can be huge.
I've seen it happen so manytimes where dads have just made
their lives so much moredifficult in court because of
just one incident where theyjust lost control, and it just
(24:37):
has a huge impact because, heyguys, we're walking into court
at a disadvantage from theget-go.
You don't want to make anythingworse.
Number six you want to be thebest parent you can be, but you
just don't know how.
You just can't see the forestfor the trees because you're in
(25:00):
the middle of the divorce andyou have no idea how that's
going to happen.
You don't know how you're goingto be a single dad.
You don't know how you're goingto handle everything.
It's just chaotic, uncertainand again, you haven't been
through it.
You haven't been a single dadbefore and that is that's
daunting.
(25:20):
That's daunting.
It was for me, but I can tellyou you are number one, strong
enough to be able to do it, andthere are millions of men across
the world that are doing it.
I work with tons of men everysingle day that are doing a
phenomenal, phenomenal job of it, and so I know it might seem
like you can't do it by yourselfor that you don't know how to
(25:42):
do it by yourself, but again, agood coach is going to help you
work through that, just startingsmall and starting through the
divorce process.
You might think, well, thatstarts after the divorce.
It doesn't.
It starts immediately, as soonas you start that divorce,
because you need to bestructuring yourself and
structuring your environment andyour relationships and
(26:03):
everything for the future of howyou're going to be parenting
hopefully co-parenting, if notco-parenting, parallel parenting
with your soon-to-be ex.
And so the number one thingaround that is stopping the
unhealthy relational dynamicthat may have been happening,
(26:23):
that has led to the demise ofthe marriage, and so you don't
want to be repeating that sameunhealthy relational dynamic
post-divorce that you had duringthe divorce.
And so if you start with that,and you're going to be surprised
because that unhealthyrelational dynamic is probably
(26:44):
carrying into a relationshipwith your children, and so that
is going to be one of the numberone things you're going to work
on.
And, just like one of the firstbuilding block steps,
rebuilding steps in theRebuilding book by Dr Bruce
Fisher is addressing thosemaladaptive behaviors and what
those could be and how you fixthem and how do you remedy those
(27:05):
and how you can go forward.
So that's one also.
And then the last one, numberseven, is the idea of life after
divorce is killing you.
This kind of dovetails withwhat I was talking about about
being a parent.
But you just have no idea whatyou're going to do after the
(27:28):
divorce is over and you faceyourself and your new life or
who you're going to be.
This just really basically tiesin everything Our confidence we
don't know what comes nextbasically ties in everything.
Our confidence we don't knowwhat comes next.
Just this haze, thisuncertainty, this everything
(27:51):
that goes into this wholeprocess.
And again, a coach is just goingto take you from step one all
the way through this.
I've got my five-step process.
We're going to work throughthis.
We're going to take our time.
We're going to work throughthis.
We're going to take our time.
We're going to get feedbackfrom all of your experts.
We're going to help Hopefullythe coach is going to help you
to build that team.
Help you with what attorney isgoing to be good or bad based
(28:12):
upon your situation.
Do you need to get anaccountant or a forensic
accounting done?
What kind of therapy would bebeneficial for you?
With therapy, or is there aneed for reintegration therapy
or family therapy with the kidsand yourself or your soon-to-be
ex?
What other kinds of needs mightyou have?
(28:36):
Should you do nesting?
Should you not do nesting?
Should you move out?
Should you stay?
What kind of account should youset up?
What kind of communicationshould you have?
Should you communicate throughtext or online platform?
What you can expect in yourfirst meetings with your
attorney?
All kinds of things.
All of these questions arequestions that are asked every
(28:59):
single day to divorce coachesand they're going to help you
sort through all of those.
And so, again, that's step seven.
It's just going to help to putyou on a roadmap that is going
to help you to get through thisin the most efficient and
effective way.
So I talked about a lot ofthose benefits, but let me just
(29:22):
briefly rattle off some five.
Not rattle off, but just sharewith you five benefits tried and
true and seriously solidbenefits of working with a
divorce coach.
And I'm going to start withwhat I just ended with, and
number one is that they're goingto provide you with a game plan
.
We're going to put you on aroadmap, build your team and
(29:45):
then put the game plan together.
Build your team first, put yourgame plan together and then
help you to execute that gameplan.
And that's step.
Number two is help youunderstand those important
decisions.
So that goes back to this.
I'll use the sports analogyagain.
So you're playing this gamewith this team and things may go
(30:05):
right and you may have successor you may need to make some
changes.
And again, that's what adivorce coach is gonna help you
do is make some changes, make apivot, maybe do something else,
but they're gonna be there tohelp monitor that with you and
take you through that as welland point things out.
It's much easier to see thingswe all know this from a
third-party perspective thanwhere we're immersed in it, no
(30:28):
matter what it is, becausesometimes not sometimes,
oftentimes we just get blindersjust because we are the ones
going through it.
Number three help you create aparenting plan and this is so
important to have a solid,airtight, solid parenting plan,
and I alluded to it in numbersix in wanting to be a good
(30:52):
parent.
Part of this is settingyourself up for success.
I talked about financially, butalso with your parenting plan.
If it is not a beneficialparenting plan, if it creates
difficulties and more challengesfor you whether that's in
transitions or how you holidayor how you communicate with your
soon-to-be ex or your ex havingthat parenting plan put
(31:13):
together in an airtight, solidfashion is going to do wonders.
Because you don't want to begoing back to court, you don't
want to have ambiguity in it,you do not want to leave things
up for interpretation later,because that is an absolute
nightmare.
And so then you're asking ajudge to clarify things and you
(31:34):
got to go back or you got to goto mediation for it.
I mean, it's just a nightmareand you will spend like I have a
lot of money in doing that.
So we'll definitely help youcreate a parenting plan.
Number four advise you on how tominimize conflict, and again
this goes back to that numberfive about anger and just in
general having these emotionscome up, or if you are in a
(31:59):
situation where it's highconflict but you're working with
somebody that's personalitydisordered and while that's not
the majority of people out there, I know that it's a lot of you
that are listening, because itseems like those of us that have
to deal with people who arepersonality disordered are just
desperate to find any kind ofinformation to, especially
(32:20):
through divorce.
And then you know, being a dadthrough divorce and dealing with
high conflict with a disorderedpersonality is a whole level of
different and a differentcomponent that goes on with with
divorce.
And then there's a whole,there's a whole part of needing
to protect your children throughthis process.
From that, that, if you'veidentified that, and being able
(32:42):
to figure out strategies on howyou go forward in communicating
and parenting and it'll likelybe parallel parenting instead of
co-parenting.
If you don't know what that is,a coach will help you to figure
that out and and work throughthat.
So that's number four.
And finally, is the benefit of adivorce coach is to help you
(33:04):
envision your post-divorce life,and I know that many of you
listening right now just can'teven fathom what post-divorce
life looks like.
But if you get on one of ourgroup coaching calls or you get
involved in the DivorcedAdvocate community, in the
Divorced Advocate Brotherhood atthe website.
(33:25):
You're going to talk to guysthat show up that are
post-divorce now, some of themrecently, but some of them years
down the road, like myself andevery single one of them will
tell you yes, it was difficult,yes, I can appreciate how hard
it is and what you're goingthrough and the motions and
(33:45):
everything else, but my life isso much better now.
I did not ever think that itcould be.
I was so broken up, I was sobroken open, I was so worried.
It was just awful and chaoticand upsetting.
But my life is better now andso that is something that a
(34:06):
coach can help you do isenvision that.
That's part of that step.
Number one is creating yourvision and direction.
Now we do that ongoing through.
That's part of my five stepsand the first one is is creating
that vision and direction andthat is ongoing and it's with
multiple things and multiplesteps.
But once divorce is through andyou're, you're working towards
(34:29):
your life 2.0, I call it thatyou are then able to start
envisioning your lifepost-divorce and hopefully, if
I've helped you do a good joband your coaches your divorce
coaches helped you do a good joband your divorce coaches helped
you do a good job.
You're creating that visionbased upon a plan that you
executed through your divorce tothe best of your abilities and
(34:49):
you're having a positive outcomewith that, to the best extent
you could, given thecircumstances, because, again,
we do not have all the controlthat we have the circumstances,
because, again, we do not haveall the control that we have
over this.
We only have one side ofcontrol or control of one side,
(35:09):
and so then you're creating thatvision for them, what you want
going forward and what you wantthat life 2.0 to look like as a
divorced dad and as a single dad, and it can be absolutely
fulfilling and awesome.
You can have awesomerelationships with your children
.
You can have awesome romanticrelationships.
Again, businesses can thriveand there's often a ton of guys
(35:29):
and I would say I would easilysay the majority of guys who say
my business is so much better,things are so much better.
This is amazing.
I had no idea how much betterit can be.
And so I just want to give you alittle bit of that hope.
We'll just leave it at that.
Some hopeful words on you,particularly if you're just
coming off Christmas yesterday,you're feeling down, but there
(35:52):
is hope.
Stay strong.
You got through this holidayyesterday.
We'll get through the next weekof the new year and we'll start
creating your vision anddirection and working through
your five steps.
Get connected with the communityat thedivorcedadvocatecom,
check out the brotherhood, getin that membership, get into
some group meetings and, hey,let's get connected and get some
(36:16):
individual coaching.
We got the laser coaching stillgoing until the end of the year
.
That's a special offer and thenwe've got the more traditional
coaching as well.
And so just let's get connected.
Let's talk for free the firsttime, find out what you've got
going on and how I can help youor, if it's not me, find another
coach, find another divorcecoach there's lots of them out
(36:38):
there now and start buildingyour team and building your
future.
Thanks so much for listeningthis week.
I appreciate, I appreciate youlistening and have a happy new
year and God bless To hear therest of this episode and access
(36:58):
the corresponding resources,visit thedivorcedadvocatecom and
become a member of ourcommunity.
It's free to join and we'llprovide you with the resources
you deserve as a divorced ordivorcing dad.
Thank you for listening, godbless, and I'll talk with you
next week.
Thanks for watching.
Hello and welcome to the Divorced Dadvocate Divorce
Support for Dads, where we helpdads create a healthy and less
traumatic divorce.
My name is Jude Sandoval andI'm your host.
I created this podcast in theDivorced Advocate community as a
result of my own high conflictdivorce and because you, as a
dad, deserve all the resourcesnecessary to thrive through this
(00:39):
challenging time.
I encourage you to check outour website at
thedivorcedadvocatecom, wherethere are resources that
correspond to this episode, aswell as free access to our
membership community, where youwill find live meetings, free
workshops and courses, privatediscussion groups and more.
And now on to this week'sepisode.
(01:01):
Hello and welcome to thisweek's episode.
Hello and welcome to thisweek's episode.
Today we're going to be talkingabout why you need a divorce
coach and we're going to talkabout some reasons, as well as
some benefits, to hiring adivorce coach.
But before we chat about that, Ijust wanted to say that I hope
(01:24):
everybody all of my dad friendsout there listening that
celebrated Christmas, had a goodChristmas.
I know that it may have been achallenging time for you,
wherever you're at in yourdivorce At this point.
The holidays, particularlyChristmas, at least for me was
difficult and challengingparticularly Christmas, at least
(01:45):
for me, was difficult andchallenging, but if you're
listening to this and you'retuning in, this is the day after
and you are strong and you gotthrough it and I'm proud of you
and keep it up.
I promise that as you getthrough more holidays and you go
through this process, that theywill become much more
fulfilling, particularly if theywere challenging for you this
(02:09):
time.
So hope you had a MerryChristmas and let's look forward
to this coming new year in 2023.
So I realized this week, on thatnote of 2023 and assessing some
of the important things thatwe've done here in the Divorced
(02:30):
Advocate community and some ofthe successes we've had, and
reviewing some of my coachingclients and talking with some of
them about the good things thathave happened in their coaching
and in their lives and the workthat we've been doing, that I
had never done an episode aboutcoaching and why it's important
(02:52):
for you to have a coach, and Iknow that there's thousands of
you that are listening andlisten for all of the tips that
we talk about and all of theexpert advice that is given by
all of my colleagues that comeon and talk, but we've never
really talked about divorcecoaching and it is something now
that has become fairly commonin the divorce world,
(03:18):
particularly in Westerndeveloped countries.
And I did a quick Google searchbefore getting on here and
there's pages and pages ofdivorce coaches now which I
wasn't entirely aware of.
And now, obviously, that seemslike I'm a little bit sheltered,
considering that I am a divorcecoach and that I do divorce
(03:39):
coaching every single day, but Ithink that's the reason why
well, I know the reason why I'misolated, because I'm pretty
focused on dads specifically,but the other thing that I find
that is important about thepoint that there are pages and
pages of divorce coaches is thatit's becoming something that is
(04:00):
common, but out of out ofdemand always comes some kind of
unique creation or or serviceor a product or something.
So we see this all the timewith the advent of social media
sites and tick tock these daysBack back in my day, it was what
(04:20):
was it?
Myspace and we see it, andwe've just seen it across
history.
So I feel like the fact that itis becoming more commonplace is
an indicator that it is becomingmore important for people in
divorce and I would say dads,especially in divorce to be
looking at finding a divorcecoach, and so, on that note,
(04:44):
let's start off with sevenreasons why you need a divorce
coach, and the first one is youneed one if this is your first
divorce, maybe even if it isyour second or third divorce,
even more importantly, but thepoint being is that you are
(05:05):
going through something for thefirst time ever.
You've never experienced thisbefore, you've never gone
through divorce.
You don't know what to expect.
You've maybe seen things on TV,heard things from friends about
divorce, but don't really knowthe ins and outs and the nitty
gritty about the entire process,and that's not just the legal
(05:29):
process.
The legal process in and ofitself is overwhelming and
intricate and complicated andnot structured to be
user-friendly, which is bydesign so that we have to use
attorneys, which is by design sothat we have to use attorneys,
(05:50):
but also in the sense that it'scomplex because it is the
melding of lots of differentthings happening and we're going
to talk about this and some ofthe next reasons why.
But there's a lot of emotionsgoing on.
There's a lot hanging in thebalance from a financial
standpoint.
There's a lot hanging in thebalance from the standpoint of a
(06:10):
future relationship with yourchildren.
So if you haven't done anythinglots of times and whatever,
whatever you're in, whateverkind of work, you do think about
the first time you did it andwhether or not you were
proficient and knowledgeable atit and whether or not now you
(06:32):
are after doing it for such anamount, such a vast amount of
time.
And so that goes the same withdivorce.
Divorce I remember the just notunderstanding and really knowing
the process for going throughthe legal system, and at the
(06:53):
time my first attorney was notvery efficient or very good at
communicating that with me.
So it was very uncertain all ofthe time and I just didn't know
.
And sometimes I asked questionsand sometimes I got and I just
didn't know.
And sometimes I ask questionsand sometimes I got answers,
sometimes I didn't, andsometimes I didn't answer or ask
the questions that I needed to.
But when you have a divorcecoach, their understanding of
(07:17):
this legal process andparticularly if you've had
somebody like I've literallybeen through just about every
stage, and the only reason Ihesitate to say that is because
if I say it and there isn't one,I feel like the universe is
going to put me through it justso I can have to learn that.
(07:40):
But that's okay.
That's still going to be ablessing because I can help more
of you the more I go throughmore of these things.
But whether it is pre-divorcegoing through nesting, going
through the mediation process,actually going to trial or
settling post-divorce withparallel parenting or going back
to court and how you do thatand all this, depositions, all
(08:04):
kinds of stuff, I've just seen aton of it which you know when
you're going through it thefirst time and even this past
year was the first time for meto go through depositions it's
very, very disconcerting anduncomfortable because you just
don't know what it is.
But now I've got it under mybelt and I can share with you
what that's like and what youcan expect and what you need to
(08:27):
do to prepare, et cetera.
And so that's the number onetop.
I would say that's reasonnumber one on my list, but it's
also the top reason.
It's just because you haven'tbeen through it before.
Number two is your brain isoperating on adrenaline and fear
(08:49):
.
So we are designed to work offof the polyvagal system in our
minds and in our bodies and whatthat is the fight, flight or
freeze and so it's just beenmillennia that we work off of
(09:09):
that.
And now, while we're not insurvival mode and trying to find
food or just survive throughthe day, when things come up
like this and something very bigand complex and scary and
uncertain in our lives comes uplike divorce, then our body does
react in that same old way thatwe've been patterned to for so
(09:35):
many hundreds of thousands ofyears.
And so what that can do is man.
It can make you, it can put youinto this whole scenario of
drowning in the, in the what ifsand and for.
For guys, our masculine natureis really wanting to have a
linear path for where we'regoing and how we're going to get
(09:55):
there, and so I don't knowabout you this might describe
you, it definitely described meis thinking about all the what
ifs, what if this happened, andthen what if that happened, and
then what if?
That scenario and then it's likeA, b, c, d, and then A to C or
maybe B to C to D, or plan B,plan C, and what is going to
happen and what it just canabsolutely just create just
(10:20):
chaos in your brain and it couldalso lead to making it
difficult and some mental fogaround making decisions, around
stuff, because there's so muchso many things going on.
It's so complex and you've gotso many what ifs going through
your mind and there are a lot ofwhat ifs.
There's not a ton that we cancontrol and you've heard me
(10:41):
probably say this before otherthan our emotions or how we
react to our emotions and to anyof the situations, but there's
not a ton that we can controldefinitively through the process
.
So that's something also that acoach is going to help you work
with is sorting through some ofthat.
Sorting through all of that andtrying to get you to come out
(11:05):
of that adrenaline and fear andthat reaction type way that we
just are naturally andphysiologically designed to
react to difficult andchallenging situations or scary
survival situations in our lives.
Scary survival situations inour lives.
(11:32):
Number three if you were not incharge of or don't have a firm
grasp of, your finances or yourfinancial records and don't know
how to act as them or what todo with them or anything about
them, perhaps you abdicated thatresponsibility and now you're
thinking, oh, I don't know whatI'm going to do or how I'm going
to do it.
Or even if you were in thecharge of them and you are the
(11:57):
one that handles and takes careof everything.
There are huge implicationsaround finances when you're
going through divorce, hugeimplications around finances
when you're going throughdivorce.
And that can be even if it's asimple divorce and it's perhaps
not as complicated as owningbusinesses and separating
businesses or properties oranything like that, but it can.
(12:17):
It's also going to.
It's going to no matter whatjust the basic math about it is
going to have serious financialimplications in your life, and I
don't think anybody can denythat.
Because you're taking onehousehold, splitting it into two
, and that's two sets of billswith one similar or at least not
(12:43):
too much more, too muchdifferent income than what was
before.
So the simple math says well,that's going to have a strain or
a burden on finances.
So, at the very least, workingthrough that and understanding
and setting yourself up forsuccess going forward.
Because what happens oftentimeswith the dads that I am in
(13:05):
contact with or that I'mcoaching is that they really
want to just make things okay,they want to be nice, they want
to figure things out, they justwant to settle, make it
difficult on the kids and indoing so they make agreements
that put them in very direfinancial straits and that is
(13:26):
not a positive, because thenwhat happens is it creates a
stress and a burden on you.
That then translates into yourrelationships with your children
, your relationships in general,but specifically to your
relationships with your children.
Because if you're stressed outabout money and how you're going
to support the family and whatyou're going to do, or even if
(13:47):
it's as dire as your next mealor shelter or clothing, then
that is not going to be a goodplace.
So avoiding that is huge andit's really the time to do.
It is up front.
When you're going through thedivorce, it is so much harder to
do after the fact.
When you're going through thedivorce, it is so much harder to
(14:09):
do after the fact.
So for those of you that arelistening right now that have
not settled or come to anagreement or are post-divorce,
just keep that in mind.
It's critical that you workthat out and figure that out in
an amicable way that's going tobe fair to both parties and
everybody, because ultimatelyit's not fair to the kids if one
(14:29):
party or the other isstruggling.
Number four your confidence isshot Now.
So this is a tough one as guys.
Right Because, right Becauseand I'll tell you what man I've
(15:01):
seen.
I've seen some high poweredCEOs and some, some fellows that
are very prominent in theirfields and have responsibilities
for hundreds of people in theconfidence ass for sure.
Because no matter what we werecapable of before, no matter
what we were doing, whatever wedesigned before, whatever we
thought we had, whatever wethought we wanted to have, this
just comes at, just does anumber on our confidence,
(15:23):
particularly if we are served byour soon-to-be ex or our ex.
Because what happens there isbeing, as Bruce Fisher, dr Bruce
Fisher says in his book,rebuilding we become the dumpy.
We're the ones that are servedpapers.
And then the emotional,mental-em, emotional dynamic is
(15:45):
a little bit different,primarily in the sense that the
party that serves the papers hasprobably been thinking about
this for a little while,hopefully, has been thinking
about this for a little while,and has done more processing
around this and potentially more, hopefully, some healing around
(16:05):
it and and put some serious uhthought in in game plan, et
cetera, around this.
And then so for the ones thatgets uh in 70, more than 70% of
men are the ones that are servedpapers.
So we're, we are behind theeight ball, if you will, because
we immediately have our shockand no matter what happens and
(16:31):
no matter the situation, I thinkthat any time this happens,
unless there is a real consciouseffort to talk through it and
this is when we're going to fileand one person is going to
serve the other person becausethat just has to be the way it
is that there's going to be somelevel of shock and that's going
to take a hit on our confidence.
(16:52):
So, no matter how confident youare as a man, in your masculine
nature, as a father, that thisis going to have an impact on
your confidence.
And then what happens is andthis happened to me too is you
start second guessing yourselfand you start thinking well, is
that?
Did I do that wrong, or did Ido that right?
(17:14):
Or, in current situations,should I do this, should I make
that decision?
And then that goes to the whatifs, number two.
So what ifs?
And then you have troubles.
You know you get that brain fogand then you might have
paralysis by analysis.
And that again is where a coachcan come in, can help you sort
things out, particularly a solidcoach that's got a system, like
(17:36):
my five point system for goingthrough this, that that we work
through in a system, in tryingto figure out and work this out
from a macro perspective, notjust specifically in one thing
or another.
And let me touch on that alittle bit too, because the
first thing we always hear isthat you got to hire an attorney
(17:59):
and that's probably the worstthing that you can do.
Actually and I'm not justbecause I am a coach and that
I'm biased is the first thing Iwould say is hire a coach.
So when you're going andstarting a team, they don't hire
, they at least wouldn't beprudent.
And as far as I see, most ofthe time you don't go out and
you like hire the running backor the or the goalie or one of
(18:23):
the players.
First, you hire the coach.
Right, you're going to hire acoach to help you build that and
sort through and figure out whoyou want on your team.
So finding a coach would be thefirst thing that I would
recommend.
And you might say, oh, okay,well, I don't have the money for
that because I'm going to haveto pay attorney's fees.
(18:44):
And then what the simple mathyou just talked about, jude, is?
It's going to be much moreexpensive for me, but I can
guarantee you that you are goingto save money just on
attorney's fees and not havingto ask them questions, not
having to have them be yourtherapist, not having them to
have to hold your hand throughthe process, having you be
(19:06):
prepared.
100% of the attorneys that Ihave worked with or I work with
are happy to work with coachesbecause they know that their
clients are going to be betterprepared.
And you might think thatattorneys don't want that, but
attorneys do want that becausethey're focused on getting
through the legal process.
That is their focus, and sothat's my next point is you're
(19:28):
going to have them focused onthe legal process.
You're going to have afinancial planner or an
accountant focused on that.
Maybe you're kind of atherapist also, which I highly
recommend Focus on your mental,emotional states.
So all of these people are goingto be siloed into their little
areas that they have, theirexpertise and what they want to
see happen in the context ofyour divorce and how this
(19:50):
process works.
Well, that might not alwaysmesh with each other, and then
all you're doing is adding tothis, this chaos in your mind
and the what ifs, and then whatcomes next is et cetera, and if
you don't have some, and thenyou, then you pour in your
emotions to all of that andhaving to deal with your, your
soon to be ex or your ex, andthen the kids, and it's just a
(20:12):
recipe for chaos.
So if you have a coach that'shelping you through this process
and helping you to look at allof this and work through and
take what each one of thoseindividuals is saying to you and
then you and then help you todecide what is going to be best
for you in the long run, becausethat's not the same for
everybody.
And attorneys like to getthrough the process.
(20:33):
They know which hoops to jumpthrough, they know how to do it
and they know the process, butthey don't necessarily know what
is going to be the best for you.
Neither does your financialplanner or accountant, neither
does your therapist 100% Onlyyou do.
But sorting through that,particularly in this difficult,
challenging, stressful time, canbe an absolute feeling of an
(20:55):
insurmountable task, and sogetting a coach to help you sort
through that once a week for anhour is going to be way, way,
way better and a better start,and financially better too.
And the second part of thatfinancial is first, it's going
to save you with attorneys atthe very least.
But second, what I just spoketo about the finances you're not
(21:16):
going to get into a financialsituation if you have a good
coach that you're set up poorlyfor the future because they're
going to help you talk throughthat and figure out what's going
to be best for you, solong-term that's going to work
out for you as well.
That saves money in having togo back to court or having to go
back and redo things if yourparenting plan isn't right or
(21:39):
you're having issues or youdidn't see something coming that
a coach might be able to sayhey, have you considered this?
So I guarantee it, I've neverhad a client say, man, this just
has not been worth the money.
It's always always worth themoney.
Okay, enough of that.
The number five is you areseeing red in everything.
(22:02):
You're just angry.
You're angry all of the time.
And so here's the thing is,it's okay and it's okay to be
angry, but this being angry andhow you you exhibit your
behaviors when you are angry canhave a huge impact on the
(22:22):
outcome of your divorce and itcan have a huge impact on the
future relationship you havewith your kids.
Now again, there's nothinginherently wrong with being
angry, particularly if you'rethe one that gets served and you
didn't see it coming and youfeel there's injustice or
(22:43):
infidelity or whatever it mightbe.
I know, I've been there, I'vefelt this, but what you do with
it and how you go about it ishuge and a coach is going to
help you from walking off thatcliff and making things much
worse for yourself than it couldbe because you got angry.
(23:06):
And a really good coach isgoing to help you take that
anger and take it through thegrief process, because anger is
one of the stages and steps forgrieving, and so a good coach is
going to help you to understandthat and then also help you to
utilize that going forward inhow to take that anger, how to
(23:30):
use it in the grieving process,how to heal and then come to
some sort of acceptance and moveforward and get healthy and
have that life 2.0.
So, absolutely positively, ahuge one.
Particularly if you know thatyou've got maybe some angry
outbursts or anger issues or yousuppress your anger or you just
(23:51):
feel rage inside.
Make sure to get a coach thatcan help you with that, and we
can also help in conjunctionwith a therapist as well.
But what we're going to do andhow we're going to do
differently than that was.
We're going to talk aboutspecific scenarios in creating
that environment.
One of the steps is one of thesteps in my five-step process is
(24:13):
optimizing your environment.
So we're going to optimize yourenvironment for success and not
for potential triggers andgetting angry or having any kind
of confrontation and stuff likethat can be huge.
I've seen it happen so manytimes where dads have just made
their lives so much moredifficult in court because of
just one incident where theyjust lost control, and it just
(24:37):
has a huge impact because, heyguys, we're walking into court
at a disadvantage from theget-go.
You don't want to make anythingworse.
Number six you want to be thebest parent you can be, but you
just don't know how.
You just can't see the forestfor the trees because you're in
(25:00):
the middle of the divorce andyou have no idea how that's
going to happen.
You don't know how you're goingto be a single dad.
You don't know how you're goingto handle everything.
It's just chaotic, uncertainand again, you haven't been
through it.
You haven't been a single dadbefore and that is that's
daunting.
(25:20):
That's daunting.
It was for me, but I can tellyou you are number one, strong
enough to be able to do it, andthere are millions of men across
the world that are doing it.
I work with tons of men everysingle day that are doing a
phenomenal, phenomenal job of it, and so I know it might seem
like you can't do it by yourselfor that you don't know how to
(25:42):
do it by yourself, but again, agood coach is going to help you
work through that, just startingsmall and starting through the
divorce process.
You might think, well, thatstarts after the divorce.
It doesn't.
It starts immediately, as soonas you start that divorce,
because you need to bestructuring yourself and
structuring your environment andyour relationships and
(26:03):
everything for the future of howyou're going to be parenting
hopefully co-parenting, if notco-parenting, parallel parenting
with your soon-to-be ex.
And so the number one thingaround that is stopping the
unhealthy relational dynamicthat may have been happening,
(26:23):
that has led to the demise ofthe marriage, and so you don't
want to be repeating that sameunhealthy relational dynamic
post-divorce that you had duringthe divorce.
And so if you start with that,and you're going to be surprised
because that unhealthyrelational dynamic is probably
(26:44):
carrying into a relationshipwith your children, and so that
is going to be one of the numberone things you're going to work
on.
And, just like one of the firstbuilding block steps,
rebuilding steps in theRebuilding book by Dr Bruce
Fisher is addressing thosemaladaptive behaviors and what
those could be and how you fixthem and how do you remedy those
(27:05):
and how you can go forward.
So that's one also.
And then the last one, numberseven, is the idea of life after
divorce is killing you.
This kind of dovetails withwhat I was talking about about
being a parent.
But you just have no idea whatyou're going to do after the
(27:28):
divorce is over and you faceyourself and your new life or
who you're going to be.
This just really basically tiesin everything Our confidence we
don't know what comes nextbasically ties in everything.
Our confidence we don't knowwhat comes next.
Just this haze, thisuncertainty, this everything
(27:51):
that goes into this wholeprocess.
And again, a coach is just goingto take you from step one all
the way through this.
I've got my five-step process.
We're going to work throughthis.
We're going to take our time.
We're going to work throughthis.
We're going to take our time.
We're going to get feedbackfrom all of your experts.
We're going to help Hopefullythe coach is going to help you
to build that team.
Help you with what attorney isgoing to be good or bad based
(28:12):
upon your situation.
Do you need to get anaccountant or a forensic
accounting done?
What kind of therapy would bebeneficial for you?
With therapy, or is there aneed for reintegration therapy
or family therapy with the kidsand yourself or your soon-to-be
ex?
What other kinds of needs mightyou have?
(28:36):
Should you do nesting?
Should you not do nesting?
Should you move out?
Should you stay?
What kind of account should youset up?
What kind of communicationshould you have?
Should you communicate throughtext or online platform?
What you can expect in yourfirst meetings with your
attorney?
All kinds of things.
All of these questions arequestions that are asked every
(28:59):
single day to divorce coachesand they're going to help you
sort through all of those.
And so, again, that's step seven.
It's just going to help to putyou on a roadmap that is going
to help you to get through thisin the most efficient and
effective way.
So I talked about a lot ofthose benefits, but let me just
(29:22):
briefly rattle off some five.
Not rattle off, but just sharewith you five benefits tried and
true and seriously solidbenefits of working with a
divorce coach.
And I'm going to start withwhat I just ended with, and
number one is that they're goingto provide you with a game plan
.
We're going to put you on aroadmap, build your team and
(29:45):
then put the game plan together.
Build your team first, put yourgame plan together and then
help you to execute that gameplan.
And that's step.
Number two is help youunderstand those important
decisions.
So that goes back to this.
I'll use the sports analogyagain.
So you're playing this gamewith this team and things may go
(30:05):
right and you may have successor you may need to make some
changes.
And again, that's what adivorce coach is gonna help you
do is make some changes, make apivot, maybe do something else,
but they're gonna be there tohelp monitor that with you and
take you through that as welland point things out.
It's much easier to see thingswe all know this from a
third-party perspective thanwhere we're immersed in it, no
(30:28):
matter what it is, becausesometimes not sometimes,
oftentimes we just get blindersjust because we are the ones
going through it.
Number three help you create aparenting plan and this is so
important to have a solid,airtight, solid parenting plan,
and I alluded to it in numbersix in wanting to be a good
(30:52):
parent.
Part of this is settingyourself up for success.
I talked about financially, butalso with your parenting plan.
If it is not a beneficialparenting plan, if it creates
difficulties and more challengesfor you whether that's in
transitions or how you holidayor how you communicate with your
soon-to-be ex or your ex havingthat parenting plan put
(31:13):
together in an airtight, solidfashion is going to do wonders.
Because you don't want to begoing back to court, you don't
want to have ambiguity in it,you do not want to leave things
up for interpretation later,because that is an absolute
nightmare.
And so then you're asking ajudge to clarify things and you
(31:34):
got to go back or you got to goto mediation for it.
I mean, it's just a nightmareand you will spend like I have a
lot of money in doing that.
So we'll definitely help youcreate a parenting plan.
Number four advise you on how tominimize conflict, and again
this goes back to that numberfive about anger and just in
general having these emotionscome up, or if you are in a
(31:59):
situation where it's highconflict but you're working with
somebody that's personalitydisordered and while that's not
the majority of people out there, I know that it's a lot of you
that are listening, because itseems like those of us that have
to deal with people who arepersonality disordered are just
desperate to find any kind ofinformation to, especially
(32:20):
through divorce.
And then you know, being a dadthrough divorce and dealing with
high conflict with a disorderedpersonality is a whole level of
different and a differentcomponent that goes on with with
divorce.
And then there's a whole,there's a whole part of needing
to protect your children throughthis process.
From that, that, if you'veidentified that, and being able
(32:42):
to figure out strategies on howyou go forward in communicating
and parenting and it'll likelybe parallel parenting instead of
co-parenting.
If you don't know what that is,a coach will help you to figure
that out and and work throughthat.
So that's number four.
And finally, is the benefit of adivorce coach is to help you
(33:04):
envision your post-divorce life,and I know that many of you
listening right now just can'teven fathom what post-divorce
life looks like.
But if you get on one of ourgroup coaching calls or you get
involved in the DivorcedAdvocate community, in the
Divorced Advocate Brotherhood atthe website.
(33:25):
You're going to talk to guysthat show up that are
post-divorce now, some of themrecently, but some of them years
down the road, like myself andevery single one of them will
tell you yes, it was difficult,yes, I can appreciate how hard
it is and what you're goingthrough and the motions and
(33:45):
everything else, but my life isso much better now.
I did not ever think that itcould be.
I was so broken up, I was sobroken open, I was so worried.
It was just awful and chaoticand upsetting.
But my life is better now andso that is something that a
(34:06):
coach can help you do isenvision that.
That's part of that step.
Number one is creating yourvision and direction.
Now we do that ongoing through.
That's part of my five stepsand the first one is is creating
that vision and direction andthat is ongoing and it's with
multiple things and multiplesteps.
But once divorce is through andyou're, you're working towards
(34:29):
your life 2.0, I call it thatyou are then able to start
envisioning your lifepost-divorce and hopefully, if
I've helped you do a good joband your coaches your divorce
coaches helped you do a good joband your divorce coaches helped
you do a good job.
You're creating that visionbased upon a plan that you
executed through your divorce tothe best of your abilities and
(34:49):
you're having a positive outcomewith that, to the best extent
you could, given thecircumstances, because, again,
we do not have all the controlthat we have the circumstances,
because, again, we do not haveall the control that we have
over this.
We only have one side ofcontrol or control of one side,
(35:09):
and so then you're creating thatvision for them, what you want
going forward and what you wantthat life 2.0 to look like as a
divorced dad and as a single dad, and it can be absolutely
fulfilling and awesome.
You can have awesomerelationships with your children
.
You can have awesome romanticrelationships.
Again, businesses can thriveand there's often a ton of guys
(35:29):
and I would say I would easilysay the majority of guys who say
my business is so much better,things are so much better.
This is amazing.
I had no idea how much betterit can be.
And so I just want to give you alittle bit of that hope.
We'll just leave it at that.
Some hopeful words on you,particularly if you're just
coming off Christmas yesterday,you're feeling down, but there
(35:52):
is hope.
Stay strong.
You got through this holidayyesterday.
We'll get through the next weekof the new year and we'll start
creating your vision anddirection and working through
your five steps.
Get connected with the communityat thedivorcedadvocatecom,
check out the brotherhood, getin that membership, get into
some group meetings and, hey,let's get connected and get some
(36:16):
individual coaching.
We got the laser coaching stillgoing until the end of the year
.
That's a special offer and thenwe've got the more traditional
coaching as well.
And so just let's get connected.
Let's talk for free the firsttime, find out what you've got
going on and how I can help youor, if it's not me, find another
coach, find another divorcecoach there's lots of them out
(36:38):
there now and start buildingyour team and building your
future.
Thanks so much for listeningthis week.
I appreciate, I appreciate youlistening and have a happy new
year and God bless To hear therest of this episode and access
(36:58):
the corresponding resources,visit thedivorcedadvocatecom and
become a member of ourcommunity.
It's free to join and we'llprovide you with the resources
you deserve as a divorced ordivorcing dad.
Thank you for listening, godbless, and I'll talk with you
next week.
Thanks for watching.
Popular Podcasts
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.