June 9, 2025 • 32 mins
Divorce can feel like a storm that rolls in fast—no forecast, no shelter, no time to prepare. One day, you're a husband, a full-time father, a provider with a plan. The next, you’re staring at an empty home, a fractured schedule with your kids, and a mountain of legal and emotional upheaval. It doesn’t just split assets—it splits your identity.
You may find yourself questioning your worth, your role, and your future. The routines that grounded you—picking up your kids from school, sitting at the dinner table, even just being part of a family unit—can vanish overnight. Finances take a hit. Friendships grow awkward. Even the strongest men can feel blindsided, powerless, and utterly alone.
If you’re a dad navigating this storm, I want you to know something crucial: you’re not weak for struggling, and you don’t have to weather it alone. This month—Men’s Mental Health Awareness Month—is the perfect time to drop the armor, silence the shame, and take a real, honest look at what you’re carrying inside.
Because you're not just fighting for yourself—you're fighting for your presence in your children's lives, for your future peace of mind, and for the version of you that’s still in there, waiting to rise.
Let’s talk. Let’s be honest. And most importantly—let’s help each other make it through.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello and welcome to the show.
Thank you so much for tuning inthis week.
I sincerely appreciate it.
Today we are going to betalking about the month of June
being the month of men's mentalhealth awareness, but before we
jump into that, let me welcomefour new members to the Divorced
(00:21):
Advocate community Mike, brian,rick and Brent.
Welcome to the community.
We appreciate you gettinginvolved and, as we're going to
talk about getting the help thatyou need and deserve, if you're
not part of the DivorcedAdvocate community yet, check it
out at thedivorcedadvocatecom.
Fellows.
(00:42):
We got all kinds of resourcesfor you, from free to paid to
the app, to the divorce quiz, toall kinds of programs and stuff
that can definitely help youthrough this process.
So check it out atthedivorcedadvocatecom and I
hope to see and talk to youthere.
All right, gentlemen, this month, june, is Men's Mental Health
(01:05):
Awareness Month and, as you know, divorce can feel like a storm,
a storm that's maybe rolling infast for some of us, with no
forecast, no shelter, no time toprepare, particularly if we're
served.
One day we are husbands andfathers and a provider with a
(01:27):
plan, and the next we might bestaring at an empty home or a
different schedule with yourkiddos, or a mountain of legal
and emotional upheaval.
It's just not something that issplitting assets.
It's something that can splitour identity, and so you might
(01:48):
find yourself questioning yourworth, your role, your future.
The routines that grounded you,like picking up your kids from
school, sitting at the dinnertable and having dinner together
, or even just being part of afamily unit, can vanish
overnight.
Together, or even just beingpart of a family unit, can
vanish overnight.
Your finances take a hit,friendships can grow awkward.
(02:15):
Even the strongest men can feelblindsided or powerless and
utterly alone.
And if you don't believe me onthat one listen to our podcast
episode with my friend, brianPeters, who is a former Mr
Universe.
Talk about his experience goingthrough divorce.
It can definitely bring thestrongest of us to our knees,
and if you're a dad navigatingthe storm, I want you to know
(02:36):
something that's crucial you arenot weak for struggling and you
don't have to weather it alone.
And since this month is men'smental health awareness month, I
felt like this is the perfecttime for us to talk about how we
drop the armor, how we silencethe shame and take a real honest
(02:59):
look at what we're carryinginside during this time.
So the thing is is we're not.
We're not fighting just forourselves.
You're fighting for presence inyour kiddos lives, your future,
peace of mind and for theversion of you that's still in
there waiting to rise.
So let's talk, let's be honestand, more importantly, let's
help each other make it throughthis challenging time.
(03:22):
I want to share first somestatistics around this, and then
we're going to talk a littlebit about why the risks are so
high for men, but particularlydivorced or divorcing dads, and
then we will wrap it up withthings that you can do right now
to help to mitigate some ofthis.
(03:45):
First, the statistics Menaccount for around 75 to 80% of
all suicides.
By and large, this is acatastrophic, colossal,
(04:11):
difficult, challenging situationthat should be an emergency in
any uncertain terms that this ishappening.
However, we all know that thatisn't happening, unfortunately,
so we need to bring this to theforefront.
75% to 80% of all suicides areby men and, on a global scale,
men are three to four times morelikely to die by suicide than
women, and male suicide is soprevalent.
(04:34):
It's consistently among the topcauses of death globally, and
actually I've got some some morestatistics here as well 600,000
(04:55):
men per year, 58,000 men permonth, 14,000 men per week, 2000
men per day, 86 men per hourand two men per minute take
their own life, and that is um.
That is tragic.
That is tragic.
And so the challenging thing isit gets even more difficult as
we're going through divorce,because divorced individuals are
(05:17):
2.4 times more likely to die bysuicide than their married
peers, and for men going throughdivorce or separation, that
risk doubles compared to marriedmen.
But the most alarming statisticis that divorced men are
approximately eight to ninetimes more likely to die by
suicide than divorced women, andanother study reports that 10
(05:41):
divorced men die by suicideevery single day, a rate that is
three times higher thandivorced women.
So these numbers are alarming,and so for me, unfortunately,
it's not surprising.
I speak on a regular basis withmen and dads that are
(06:04):
contemplating this and havingsome challenges.
So, um, but uh, some of youmight not notice, but some of
this, some of you might be goingthrough this and having these
feelings, and I want to talk alittle bit about some of the
reasons why this has happened,why the risk is so high for
divorce or divorcing dads.
There's several intertwining uhfactors that amplify the danger.
(06:26):
The first is probably the mostprevalent, is the loss of
identity.
We as men, in our masculinenature, are driven by and wrap
up a lot of our identity in ourlives and in our families.
So divorce doesn't just end arelationship.
(06:46):
It can unravel who you thoughtyou were.
And so, for many of us, being ahusband and an everyday present
father wasn't or isn't just arole.
It's a core part of ouridentity and who we are.
So when those roles arestripped away, we might be left
trying to answer questions wedidn't expect to face, questions
(07:09):
like who am I now?
What do I have to offer, what'smy purpose without my family,
et cetera.
And the world often offers verylittle space for men to grieve
this loss.
There's not a ritual, and griefis really the part of this.
(07:30):
That is one of the biggestthings and one of the biggest
things that we talk about whenwe get on our group calls or
when I'm doing individualcoaching.
And because there's not aritual or a roadmap or even just
an empty space where your roleused to live, that hollow
feeling isn't weakness, it'sgrief and it deserves attention.
And grief is not linear, griefis all over the place.
(07:53):
So, having a way to workthrough that is incredibly
important.
We're going to talk about thatin the next part, but just know
that that loss of identity andall those feelings that come up
with it is a symptom of griefthat is going on.
So another factor is the forcedseparation.
(08:13):
I don't know about you, but forme there's probably very few
things that were moreemotionally brutal than being
separated from my kiddos and notbeing separated by choice, but
by customary arrangements orlegal limitations or the
parenting plan.
And for some dads this meansgoing from seeing their kids
(08:36):
every day to a handful ofweekends per month, and that can
be difficult and challenging,as some of you might be
experiencing or know.
Difficult and challenging, assome of you might be
experiencing or know the silenceand the loneliness, the
routines that you built aroundyour lives all vanish.
You might wrestle with guilt,powerlessness and even the fear
(08:58):
that you're being erased fromtheir lives, and the pain is
real and it cuts very, very deep.
I know that this was probably,and still sometimes is, the most
difficult time is separatedfrom my kiddos, and so when the
courts divide parenting time,they don't divide the love.
You need to know that you'restill a father in every sense of
(09:20):
the word, and your role intheir lives still matters
profoundly, and we're going totalk about how to deal with this
in a little bit.
I'm going to go through some ofthese reasons why.
These are the reasons why therisk factor is so high Loss of
identity, forced separation.
Next one is financial strain.
Divorce is expensive right,legal fees, court costs, child
(09:41):
support, alimony.
It can stack up quickly.
And then we add in thechallenge of the simple math
equation of managing twohouseholds instead of one
household, and this adds animmense amount of pressure, the
financial pressure particularly.
And so for us fathers thatmight be already carrying the
(10:04):
weight of emotional loss, theadded burden of the financial
strain can be incrediblyoverwhelming.
And here's the thing it's notjust about money.
It's what the financial strainmight represent to each one of
us, feeling like a failedprovider or maybe fearing
judgment or struggling torebuild from scratch.
(10:26):
Shame often hides behind thesebank statements, but the truth
is you're not alone.
And financial recovery, whileit might not seem possible now,
it might seem so far away ordifficult, I promise you that it
is possible.
The next one is social isolation.
(10:46):
Divorce doesn't just break upour families, it disrupts our
friendships and our supportsystems too.
Friends are going to pick sides.
That is not a reflection on you.
Your couple friendships willprobably mostly vanish, and
sometimes family members maydistance themselves for whatever
(11:07):
reason.
And so for men who culturallyare often discouraged from
building emotionally intimatefriendships, the isolation can
feel especially stark.
And I get this lots of times.
All the time in our groupmeetings of my friends are gone,
(11:28):
my friends won't return my call, et cetera, and many of the
dads report that they don't havea single person that they can
confide in, which is awful.
And without someone to talk to,the internal pressure will
build.
The loneliness isn't just afeeling, it's a health hazard,
one that quietly erodes mentalhealth or mental well-being if
(11:50):
left unaddressed.
And you might hear on the newslately lots of reports about
loneliness and how people arefeeling lonely in general.
This is exacerbated for us dadsgoing through divorce.
And the last one is stigma andsilence.
From a young age I know I waswe were told to quote, we're
(12:11):
told to quote quote man up orsuck it up or just handle it.
The message has always beenclear.
I think at least we're maybegetting a little better about it
.
But the message is pain, isweakness, and real men don't
talk about their struggles.
And these ideas are toxic.
They're awful.
(12:32):
They don't just silence men,they kill men, as demonstrated
by the statistics that Imentioned earlier.
And therapy, vulnerability oreven simply asking for help can
feel like a betrayal of manhood.
But here's the truth Stoicismwhile there are many benefits to
stoicism and studying stoicismstoicism in its extreme form
(12:59):
isn't strength.
It's is costing you your sanity, and I can attest to that
because I was incredibly stoicfor a very long time and it
literally almost killed me.
And there's nothing weak aboutsaying I need help.
In fact, it's probably one ofthe most courageous and manly
things that you can do.
So let's talk about that.
(13:20):
Then.
What can you do If some of thisstuff, one or more of these
things is something that yourecognize in yourself?
What steps can you take rightnow, right away?
The first is talk to someonewho understands.
There's no substitute fortalking to someone who gets it,
(13:41):
someone who's walked through thecustody battles, felt the sting
of missing holidays or sat inan empty house wondering what
comes next.
That's why we've created thisDivorced Advocate Community.
That's where we meet regularly.
That's why we've got the groupchats on the Signal.
If you're not part of that yet,get connected with that.
That's why we've got themessage boards within the
(14:03):
community as well.
That's why we do some of theevents online and in person as
well.
Get connected with somebody.
It can be a close friend.
It can be a fellow dad.
It can be a men's divorcesupport group.
It can be an online community.
Just don't go silent.
Don't self-isolate.
Brian Peters, I mentioned just alittle bit earlier, talks about
(14:26):
this in his podcast one of thestrongest men to ever live in
the world self-isolated.
It was just an awful thing.
He talks about that openly,about that and about the
loneliness that he experienced.
So connection is a lifetimeTalking isn't a sign of weakness
.
It's how healing begins.
And just remember this you'renot alone and you're not the
(14:50):
only one feeling this way.
Inevitably, on one of our groupcalls, a new guy might be there
.
He might be very emotional andas soon as one of us talks about
and shares about how we've beenthere too curled up, maybe
crying ourselves to sleep onenight or waking up and not
wanting to get out of bed, it'sjust a sigh of relief from so
(15:13):
many of the newcomers in thegroup that feel like that
they're the only one.
So if you're feeling that way,I promise you you are not alone
and you're not the only one thatis feeling this way or has gone
through it.
So make sure to talk tosomebody who understands.
That's also why we've got thegroup meetings, we've got
(15:33):
individual coaching, we've gotstuff like that, or find
somewhere by you that might bein person as well, but talk to
somebody.
The next part of that, whichkind of dovetails in, is don't
wait to seek professionalsupport.
Mental health is just as realand just as important as your
physical health.
(15:53):
Physical health is pretty easy.
It's one of the easier firstthings that we talk about doing
in this process to take care ofourselves.
But the mental health is justas important.
So, just as you wouldn't ignorea broken bone, don't ignore a
broken heart or a crushed spirit, a therapist can guide you
through the emotional wreckageand can help you sort through
(16:17):
things like we talked about withgrief.
There's five different ways,there's five different parts of
grief, and so knowing what thosefive parts are and the
therapist helping you.
And so knowing what those fiveparts are and the therapist
helping you to talk about whatthose are and then helping to
deal maybe with the anger andthe guilt and the fear or the
confusion is going to helpimmensely.
And therapy doesn't mean thatyou're broken.
(16:39):
It just means that you're smartenough to want to rebuild the
right way.
Right Like if something gotdestroyed in a natural disaster
in or around your home orproperty.
You would hire somebody or youwould look to somebody to help
guide you in that rebuildingprocess.
It is the same thing for ourbroken hearts or our crushed
(17:02):
spirits to look to somebody else, to find somebody else to help
us, that has been through it,that has the expertise to guide
us.
So it's not a surrender, it isa strategy.
If you can think of it that way, and if cost or stigma is
something that holds you back,just know that many therapists
(17:22):
offer sliding scales.
And then there's just theadvent now of virtual sessions
that make some of this processmuch more accessible and much
more private.
So you can find it, and you canfind it in a manner in which it
can be comfortable for you butalso affordable for you as well.
The next one is build or reviveyour support system.
(17:45):
These are your support system.
These are your support system.
These all kind of dovetailtogether right.
Divorce wipes out our socialcalendar.
Like I mentioned before.
Friends go away or pick sides,the couple, friends disappear.
But now's the exact time tolean into new connections, so
(18:05):
reach out to, or old connectionstoo.
So you can reach out to oldconnections, you can make new
ones Again.
Join a dad's group, a parentingclass, maybe a church community
, and rebuild your network.
This is going to take one callat a time.
It's going to take maybe onecoffee or lunch meeting at a
time, one real conversation at atime.
(18:25):
But relationships are the bufferagainst isolation, and even one
solid connection can changeeverything, and I speak from
experience.
I had just one good friendthrough my process, but God,
just the fact that I had one wasjust a godsend, because if it
wasn't for him I would have hadnobody, and so just having one
(18:49):
can be just life changing.
So don't underestimate howpowerful it is to hear I've been
there too, quote, unquote I'vebeen there too.
I distinctly remember and thishas been more than one client,
but I have one client that wasvery, very stuck in talking
about his divorce, particularlyto his boss, and sharing the
(19:11):
challenges that were impactinghis job and his performance, etc
.
And so after a period of time,we were able to get him to get
up the courage to talk to hisboss about this, and that was
the first thing that he heardfrom his boss was oh man, I'm
sorry.
I've been there too, Made allkinds of accommodations and
helped him to figure out how toget through this, and he was
(19:32):
absolutely flabbergasted thatthere was so much support for
him from his boss and the otherone other people around him.
So just don't underestimate howpowerful that can be and how
powerful it can be to starthaving those real conversations.
The next one is stay active andhealthy.
Like I mentioned, one of theeasiest first steps is that
physical way in which you canstart to move your body and get
(19:58):
your body going.
Grief often hits the body ashard as it hits the heart, so
things like your sleep getdisrupted, your motivation might
drop, eating habits go justtotally awry, and then suddenly
your overall health is totallyslipping.
So one of the simplest things,and most effective, is to get
(20:21):
your physical body going again.
Do a daily walk or a jog.
It can be simple, 15 minutes aday.
Even better, lift weights,which is tremendous for men.
Do some yoga, ride your bike.
Make sleep and hydration apriority.
Get on a sleep schedule andmake sure that you're getting
(20:41):
that sleep and just cut out.
Cut down at least, but if not,cut completely out alcohol,
drugs, any kind of processedfoods it's just going to
interrupt and make the wholeprocess more difficult.
And get into a routine.
Build routines throughout this.
Go back.
We've got a.
(21:02):
We've got an episode that talksabout how to build these
routines.
Some people call them habits.
They're not really habits.
They're routines.
A habit is something we just dosubconsciously.
So, like getting up and goingto the gym is not a habit,
because nobody wants to just getup and go to the gym.
(21:22):
Like you, just reach for yourtoothbrush that's been in the
same place for years.
Right, that's a habit reachingfor that toothbrush that's just
been in the same place forforever and ever.
So you got to consciously andintentionally create these
routines.
So we've got a whole episode onthat.
Go back and listen to it andwhat happens is the movement
resets your mind.
You're not trying to become asuperhero here or become Brian,
(21:46):
right, mr Universe, you justwant to get healthier, because
it's going to create a clearerversion of you.
So make sure to stay active andhealthy.
The next one is create aparenting plan that keeps your
bond alive.
Your role as a father doesn'tend because of a court order, no
(22:08):
matter what a court may havesaid or no matter what kind of
parenting time they have decidedupon for you.
It just shifts.
So make sure to fight for yourconsistency with your kids, no
matter what that is.
So prioritize quality time overquantity.
Find small ways to stayconnected when you're not
(22:30):
physically present.
That can be text messages,video calls, shared playlists if
the kids are older and they dosomething like Spotify or
bedtime stories over Zoom.
I was working with a client thisweek on parenting plans and
talking about parenting plansand working with him to put
together and refine hisparenting plan, and one of the
(22:53):
things we talked about was doingthat having that every day and,
especially when the kiddos areyounger, having that everyday
interaction with them so thatthey still know and they still
know that dad is around and theystill are having that everyday
interaction that we want to havewith them.
We never became dads to just bedads 50% of the time, right?
So working that into aparenting plan and fighting for
(23:16):
that consistency when you dohave it in there is incredibly
important, because every momentcounts, even just the small ones
.
You might not recognize thatnow I can tell you that it's
absolutely true, and theconsistent touches remind your
children you're still dad,you're reliable, you're loving
and you're always going to beright there when they need you.
(23:39):
So the parenting plan is morethan just logistics it's going
to be a lifeline for you andyour kiddos, all right.
The last one is know the warningsigns and acts right.
So know what you're feeling.
And if you're feeling numb, ifyou're feeling hopeless, if
(24:01):
you're not just angry butunusually angry, like off the
rails angry or disconnected, orlike your kids in the world
would be quote unquote betteroff without you, just stop.
If you get those feelings, stop.
They aren't just thoughts,they're red flags.
So don't ignore them.
Pay attention to them.
(24:23):
I think you may know, and if youdon't, that nationwide here in
the United States, 988 is thesuicide and crisis lifeline.
Call it and talk to somebody,reach out to a trusted friend,
contact a mental healthprofessional or go to an
emergency room.
I'm going to give you my phonenumber right here, right now,
(24:47):
and I've had guys take me up onthis, but if you're thinking
this call me it doesn't matterwhat time of day it is, or send
me a text, I will respond.
I don't know if I can respondimmediately.
I will respond as quickly as Ican humanly possibly respond,
but that number is 720-255-1021.
(25:08):
Again, 720-255-1021.
That's my Google number.
It goes directly to my cellphone.
I have this on me all the timeDo not ever hesitate to call.
You are not broken by havingthese feelings.
You're not broken by having toreach out and call me or call
somebody or text somebody.
(25:29):
You're not alone.
You're somebody's father andyour presence matters more than
you can possibly know.
So just know this, guys you'renot alone.
Asking for help is courage.
It's not a weakness.
Too many men are taught this,like I mentioned earlier, that
strength means silence.
That quote unquote.
(25:50):
Handling it means handling italone.
Silence that quote unquote.
Handling it means handling italone.
That the pain should not beburied and not be spoken.
That's a narrative that's wrongand it's a narrative that has
been hurting men for generations.
So I think we're getting betterat this, but if you're like me,
this was a hard one to stillgrasp.
(26:10):
The truth is asking for helpisn't weakness, it's wisdom.
It takes more guts to open upthan to shut down.
And for us dads navigatingdivorce, your courage is not
just for you, it's for your kidsand it's for your future and
for a life beyond this chapter.
You might not be able to seethe forest for the trees yet,
(26:33):
but I promise you there is alife 2.0.
Therapy doesn't have to be, itdoesn't have to feel like
sitting in a circle spillingyour emotions or, especially if
that's not your style, right,and that's not our masculine
style.
Modern therapy has come a longway around this.
Now I would just caution to saythat find a therapist and find
(26:56):
a modality that is comfortablefor you, but some of the modern
therapeutic practices are moreaction-oriented, more
problem-solving and include moreaccountability, and so these
are things that more align withus as men and our masculine
(27:17):
nature, and so it's not aboutquote unquote, getting fixed.
It's about having a skilledpartner in your corner to help
you rebuild.
Like the example I used earlier.
If you were going to rebuild ahome or structure or something
from a natural disaster, you'regoing to find and seek out
somebody that has the skill andknowledge and expertise to
(27:39):
either to help you in doing that.
It is the same thing Atherapist can be that.
It can be a coach, it can be aguide.
They can be a sounding board.
It's someone who helps youreconnect with your strength and
they help you to do it on yourown terms.
So if you're a divorced ordivorcing dad that is listening,
just know you're not broken,you are not alone and you're not
(28:05):
done.
That's the last part I want youto know.
You are not done.
You're still a father and thatrole still carries infinite
value, as you've heard me say.
Just about every single podcastthat I record is.
Your value is so immeasurablein your kiddo's life, even in
(28:30):
this difficult, challenging time, even if it feels like a mess,
even if you're in tremendousamount of pain.
So your kiddos need you and theydon't need you just on
birthdays or just on weekends.
They need your presence andthey need your peace of mind.
They need your resilience, theyneed you as a dad and they will
be learning by watching you.
(28:51):
So if they see their dad askingfor help and speaking honestly
and doing the hard work to heal,they'll learn what real
strength looks like.
So we talk about it all thetime, especially when we're in
group meetings, about modeling.
This is your opportunity now.
(29:11):
This is Men's Mental HealthAwareness Month.
You can be modeling what realstrength looks for them.
So we can shift this story andthis mindset.
We can normalize the words.
I need help and we can do it bybooking that therapy session or
joining that support group orgetting involved in the Divorced
(29:32):
Advocate community, texting afriend, calling that number that
I gave you earlier, or sayingthe hard things out loud.
When you're talking to somebody,you're not alone in this.
You're part of a brotherhood ofmen and fathers who are doing
the brave work of becoming wholeagain.
You don't have to beunbreakable to be strong.
You just have to be willing tobegin.
(29:54):
So your future self and yourkids will thank you for showing
up.
Gentlemen, I hope that youfound value in this today.
I do want to reiterate if youare struggling now, if you have
these thoughts of suicide oryou're making plans, call 988,
which is the US Suicide andCrisis Lifeline, or one of your
(30:16):
local emergency services.
You're not fighting this alone.
Reach out today.
My number again is 720-255-1021.
Gentlemen, have a great week,take care of yourselves, take
care of each other and God bless.
Hello and welcome to the show.
Thank you so much for tuning inthis week.
I sincerely appreciate it.
Today we are going to betalking about the month of June
being the month of men's mentalhealth awareness, but before we
jump into that, let me welcomefour new members to the Divorced
(00:21):
Advocate community Mike, brian,rick and Brent.
Welcome to the community.
We appreciate you gettinginvolved and, as we're going to
talk about getting the help thatyou need and deserve, if you're
not part of the DivorcedAdvocate community yet, check it
out at thedivorcedadvocatecom.
Fellows.
(00:42):
We got all kinds of resourcesfor you, from free to paid to
the app, to the divorce quiz, toall kinds of programs and stuff
that can definitely help youthrough this process.
So check it out atthedivorcedadvocatecom and I
hope to see and talk to youthere.
All right, gentlemen, this month, june, is Men's Mental Health
(01:05):
Awareness Month and, as you know, divorce can feel like a storm,
a storm that's maybe rolling infast for some of us, with no
forecast, no shelter, no time toprepare, particularly if we're
served.
One day we are husbands andfathers and a provider with a
(01:27):
plan, and the next we might bestaring at an empty home or a
different schedule with yourkiddos, or a mountain of legal
and emotional upheaval.
It's just not something that issplitting assets.
It's something that can splitour identity, and so you might
(01:48):
find yourself questioning yourworth, your role, your future.
The routines that grounded you,like picking up your kids from
school, sitting at the dinnertable and having dinner together
, or even just being part of afamily unit, can vanish
overnight.
Together, or even just beingpart of a family unit, can
vanish overnight.
Your finances take a hit,friendships can grow awkward.
(02:15):
Even the strongest men can feelblindsided or powerless and
utterly alone.
And if you don't believe me onthat one listen to our podcast
episode with my friend, brianPeters, who is a former Mr
Universe.
Talk about his experience goingthrough divorce.
It can definitely bring thestrongest of us to our knees,
and if you're a dad navigatingthe storm, I want you to know
(02:36):
something that's crucial you arenot weak for struggling and you
don't have to weather it alone.
And since this month is men'smental health awareness month, I
felt like this is the perfecttime for us to talk about how we
drop the armor, how we silencethe shame and take a real honest
(02:59):
look at what we're carryinginside during this time.
So the thing is is we're not.
We're not fighting just forourselves.
You're fighting for presence inyour kiddos lives, your future,
peace of mind and for theversion of you that's still in
there waiting to rise.
So let's talk, let's be honestand, more importantly, let's
help each other make it throughthis challenging time.
(03:22):
I want to share first somestatistics around this, and then
we're going to talk a littlebit about why the risks are so
high for men, but particularlydivorced or divorcing dads, and
then we will wrap it up withthings that you can do right now
to help to mitigate some ofthis.
(03:45):
First, the statistics Menaccount for around 75 to 80% of
all suicides.
By and large, this is acatastrophic, colossal,
(04:11):
difficult, challenging situationthat should be an emergency in
any uncertain terms that this ishappening.
However, we all know that thatisn't happening, unfortunately,
so we need to bring this to theforefront.
75% to 80% of all suicides areby men and, on a global scale,
men are three to four times morelikely to die by suicide than
women, and male suicide is soprevalent.
(04:34):
It's consistently among the topcauses of death globally, and
actually I've got some some morestatistics here as well 600,000
(04:55):
men per year, 58,000 men permonth, 14,000 men per week, 2000
men per day, 86 men per hourand two men per minute take
their own life, and that is um.
That is tragic.
That is tragic.
And so the challenging thing isit gets even more difficult as
we're going through divorce,because divorced individuals are
(05:17):
2.4 times more likely to die bysuicide than their married
peers, and for men going throughdivorce or separation, that
risk doubles compared to marriedmen.
But the most alarming statisticis that divorced men are
approximately eight to ninetimes more likely to die by
suicide than divorced women, andanother study reports that 10
(05:41):
divorced men die by suicideevery single day, a rate that is
three times higher thandivorced women.
So these numbers are alarming,and so for me, unfortunately,
it's not surprising.
I speak on a regular basis withmen and dads that are
(06:04):
contemplating this and havingsome challenges.
So, um, but uh, some of youmight not notice, but some of
this, some of you might be goingthrough this and having these
feelings, and I want to talk alittle bit about some of the
reasons why this has happened,why the risk is so high for
divorce or divorcing dads.
There's several intertwining uhfactors that amplify the danger.
(06:26):
The first is probably the mostprevalent, is the loss of
identity.
We as men, in our masculinenature, are driven by and wrap
up a lot of our identity in ourlives and in our families.
So divorce doesn't just end arelationship.
(06:46):
It can unravel who you thoughtyou were.
And so, for many of us, being ahusband and an everyday present
father wasn't or isn't just arole.
It's a core part of ouridentity and who we are.
So when those roles arestripped away, we might be left
trying to answer questions wedidn't expect to face, questions
(07:09):
like who am I now?
What do I have to offer, what'smy purpose without my family,
et cetera.
And the world often offers verylittle space for men to grieve
this loss.
There's not a ritual, and griefis really the part of this.
(07:30):
That is one of the biggestthings and one of the biggest
things that we talk about whenwe get on our group calls or
when I'm doing individualcoaching.
And because there's not aritual or a roadmap or even just
an empty space where your roleused to live, that hollow
feeling isn't weakness, it'sgrief and it deserves attention.
And grief is not linear, griefis all over the place.
(07:53):
So, having a way to workthrough that is incredibly
important.
We're going to talk about thatin the next part, but just know
that that loss of identity andall those feelings that come up
with it is a symptom of griefthat is going on.
So another factor is the forcedseparation.
(08:13):
I don't know about you, but forme there's probably very few
things that were moreemotionally brutal than being
separated from my kiddos and notbeing separated by choice, but
by customary arrangements orlegal limitations or the
parenting plan.
And for some dads this meansgoing from seeing their kids
(08:36):
every day to a handful ofweekends per month, and that can
be difficult and challenging,as some of you might be
experiencing or know.
Difficult and challenging, assome of you might be
experiencing or know the silenceand the loneliness, the
routines that you built aroundyour lives all vanish.
You might wrestle with guilt,powerlessness and even the fear
(08:58):
that you're being erased fromtheir lives, and the pain is
real and it cuts very, very deep.
I know that this was probably,and still sometimes is, the most
difficult time is separatedfrom my kiddos, and so when the
courts divide parenting time,they don't divide the love.
You need to know that you'restill a father in every sense of
(09:20):
the word, and your role intheir lives still matters
profoundly, and we're going totalk about how to deal with this
in a little bit.
I'm going to go through some ofthese reasons why.
These are the reasons why therisk factor is so high Loss of
identity, forced separation.
Next one is financial strain.
Divorce is expensive right,legal fees, court costs, child
(09:41):
support, alimony.
It can stack up quickly.
And then we add in thechallenge of the simple math
equation of managing twohouseholds instead of one
household, and this adds animmense amount of pressure, the
financial pressure particularly.
And so for us fathers thatmight be already carrying the
(10:04):
weight of emotional loss, theadded burden of the financial
strain can be incrediblyoverwhelming.
And here's the thing it's notjust about money.
It's what the financial strainmight represent to each one of
us, feeling like a failedprovider or maybe fearing
judgment or struggling torebuild from scratch.
(10:26):
Shame often hides behind thesebank statements, but the truth
is you're not alone.
And financial recovery, whileit might not seem possible now,
it might seem so far away ordifficult, I promise you that it
is possible.
The next one is social isolation.
(10:46):
Divorce doesn't just break upour families, it disrupts our
friendships and our supportsystems too.
Friends are going to pick sides.
That is not a reflection on you.
Your couple friendships willprobably mostly vanish, and
sometimes family members maydistance themselves for whatever
(11:07):
reason.
And so for men who culturallyare often discouraged from
building emotionally intimatefriendships, the isolation can
feel especially stark.
And I get this lots of times.
All the time in our groupmeetings of my friends are gone,
(11:28):
my friends won't return my call, et cetera, and many of the
dads report that they don't havea single person that they can
confide in, which is awful.
And without someone to talk to,the internal pressure will
build.
The loneliness isn't just afeeling, it's a health hazard,
one that quietly erodes mentalhealth or mental well-being if
(11:50):
left unaddressed.
And you might hear on the newslately lots of reports about
loneliness and how people arefeeling lonely in general.
This is exacerbated for us dadsgoing through divorce.
And the last one is stigma andsilence.
From a young age I know I waswe were told to quote, we're
(12:11):
told to quote quote man up orsuck it up or just handle it.
The message has always beenclear.
I think at least we're maybegetting a little better about it
.
But the message is pain, isweakness, and real men don't
talk about their struggles.
And these ideas are toxic.
They're awful.
(12:32):
They don't just silence men,they kill men, as demonstrated
by the statistics that Imentioned earlier.
And therapy, vulnerability oreven simply asking for help can
feel like a betrayal of manhood.
But here's the truth Stoicismwhile there are many benefits to
stoicism and studying stoicismstoicism in its extreme form
(12:59):
isn't strength.
It's is costing you your sanity, and I can attest to that
because I was incredibly stoicfor a very long time and it
literally almost killed me.
And there's nothing weak aboutsaying I need help.
In fact, it's probably one ofthe most courageous and manly
things that you can do.
So let's talk about that.
(13:20):
Then.
What can you do If some of thisstuff, one or more of these
things is something that yourecognize in yourself?
What steps can you take rightnow, right away?
The first is talk to someonewho understands.
There's no substitute fortalking to someone who gets it,
(13:41):
someone who's walked through thecustody battles, felt the sting
of missing holidays or sat inan empty house wondering what
comes next.
That's why we've created thisDivorced Advocate Community.
That's where we meet regularly.
That's why we've got the groupchats on the Signal.
If you're not part of that yet,get connected with that.
That's why we've got themessage boards within the
(14:03):
community as well.
That's why we do some of theevents online and in person as
well.
Get connected with somebody.
It can be a close friend.
It can be a fellow dad.
It can be a men's divorcesupport group.
It can be an online community.
Just don't go silent.
Don't self-isolate.
Brian Peters, I mentioned just alittle bit earlier, talks about
(14:26):
this in his podcast one of thestrongest men to ever live in
the world self-isolated.
It was just an awful thing.
He talks about that openly,about that and about the
loneliness that he experienced.
So connection is a lifetimeTalking isn't a sign of weakness
.
It's how healing begins.
And just remember this you'renot alone and you're not the
(14:50):
only one feeling this way.
Inevitably, on one of our groupcalls, a new guy might be there
.
He might be very emotional andas soon as one of us talks about
and shares about how we've beenthere too curled up, maybe
crying ourselves to sleep onenight or waking up and not
wanting to get out of bed, it'sjust a sigh of relief from so
(15:13):
many of the newcomers in thegroup that feel like that
they're the only one.
So if you're feeling that way,I promise you you are not alone
and you're not the only one thatis feeling this way or has gone
through it.
So make sure to talk tosomebody who understands.
That's also why we've got thegroup meetings, we've got
(15:33):
individual coaching, we've gotstuff like that, or find
somewhere by you that might bein person as well, but talk to
somebody.
The next part of that, whichkind of dovetails in, is don't
wait to seek professionalsupport.
Mental health is just as realand just as important as your
physical health.
(15:53):
Physical health is pretty easy.
It's one of the easier firstthings that we talk about doing
in this process to take care ofourselves.
But the mental health is justas important.
So, just as you wouldn't ignorea broken bone, don't ignore a
broken heart or a crushed spirit, a therapist can guide you
through the emotional wreckageand can help you sort through
(16:17):
things like we talked about withgrief.
There's five different ways,there's five different parts of
grief, and so knowing what thosefive parts are and the
therapist helping you.
And so knowing what those fiveparts are and the therapist
helping you to talk about whatthose are and then helping to
deal maybe with the anger andthe guilt and the fear or the
confusion is going to helpimmensely.
And therapy doesn't mean thatyou're broken.
(16:39):
It just means that you're smartenough to want to rebuild the
right way.
Right Like if something gotdestroyed in a natural disaster
in or around your home orproperty.
You would hire somebody or youwould look to somebody to help
guide you in that rebuildingprocess.
It is the same thing for ourbroken hearts or our crushed
(17:02):
spirits to look to somebody else, to find somebody else to help
us, that has been through it,that has the expertise to guide
us.
So it's not a surrender, it isa strategy.
If you can think of it that way, and if cost or stigma is
something that holds you back,just know that many therapists
(17:22):
offer sliding scales.
And then there's just theadvent now of virtual sessions
that make some of this processmuch more accessible and much
more private.
So you can find it, and you canfind it in a manner in which it
can be comfortable for you butalso affordable for you as well.
The next one is build or reviveyour support system.
(17:45):
These are your support system.
These are your support system.
These all kind of dovetailtogether right.
Divorce wipes out our socialcalendar.
Like I mentioned before.
Friends go away or pick sides,the couple, friends disappear.
But now's the exact time tolean into new connections, so
(18:05):
reach out to, or old connectionstoo.
So you can reach out to oldconnections, you can make new
ones Again.
Join a dad's group, a parentingclass, maybe a church community
, and rebuild your network.
This is going to take one callat a time.
It's going to take maybe onecoffee or lunch meeting at a
time, one real conversation at atime.
(18:25):
But relationships are the bufferagainst isolation, and even one
solid connection can changeeverything, and I speak from
experience.
I had just one good friendthrough my process, but God,
just the fact that I had one wasjust a godsend, because if it
wasn't for him I would have hadnobody, and so just having one
(18:49):
can be just life changing.
So don't underestimate howpowerful it is to hear I've been
there too, quote, unquote I'vebeen there too.
I distinctly remember and thishas been more than one client,
but I have one client that wasvery, very stuck in talking
about his divorce, particularlyto his boss, and sharing the
(19:11):
challenges that were impactinghis job and his performance, etc
.
And so after a period of time,we were able to get him to get
up the courage to talk to hisboss about this, and that was
the first thing that he heardfrom his boss was oh man, I'm
sorry.
I've been there too, Made allkinds of accommodations and
helped him to figure out how toget through this, and he was
(19:32):
absolutely flabbergasted thatthere was so much support for
him from his boss and the otherone other people around him.
So just don't underestimate howpowerful that can be and how
powerful it can be to starthaving those real conversations.
The next one is stay active andhealthy.
Like I mentioned, one of theeasiest first steps is that
physical way in which you canstart to move your body and get
(19:58):
your body going.
Grief often hits the body ashard as it hits the heart, so
things like your sleep getdisrupted, your motivation might
drop, eating habits go justtotally awry, and then suddenly
your overall health is totallyslipping.
So one of the simplest things,and most effective, is to get
(20:21):
your physical body going again.
Do a daily walk or a jog.
It can be simple, 15 minutes aday.
Even better, lift weights,which is tremendous for men.
Do some yoga, ride your bike.
Make sleep and hydration apriority.
Get on a sleep schedule andmake sure that you're getting
(20:41):
that sleep and just cut out.
Cut down at least, but if not,cut completely out alcohol,
drugs, any kind of processedfoods it's just going to
interrupt and make the wholeprocess more difficult.
And get into a routine.
Build routines throughout this.
Go back.
We've got a.
(21:02):
We've got an episode that talksabout how to build these
routines.
Some people call them habits.
They're not really habits.
They're routines.
A habit is something we just dosubconsciously.
So, like getting up and goingto the gym is not a habit,
because nobody wants to just getup and go to the gym.
(21:22):
Like you, just reach for yourtoothbrush that's been in the
same place for years.
Right, that's a habit reachingfor that toothbrush that's just
been in the same place forforever and ever.
So you got to consciously andintentionally create these
routines.
So we've got a whole episode onthat.
Go back and listen to it andwhat happens is the movement
resets your mind.
You're not trying to become asuperhero here or become Brian,
(21:46):
right, mr Universe, you justwant to get healthier, because
it's going to create a clearerversion of you.
So make sure to stay active andhealthy.
The next one is create aparenting plan that keeps your
bond alive.
Your role as a father doesn'tend because of a court order, no
(22:08):
matter what a court may havesaid or no matter what kind of
parenting time they have decidedupon for you.
It just shifts.
So make sure to fight for yourconsistency with your kids, no
matter what that is.
So prioritize quality time overquantity.
Find small ways to stayconnected when you're not
(22:30):
physically present.
That can be text messages,video calls, shared playlists if
the kids are older and they dosomething like Spotify or
bedtime stories over Zoom.
I was working with a client thisweek on parenting plans and
talking about parenting plansand working with him to put
together and refine hisparenting plan, and one of the
(22:53):
things we talked about was doingthat having that every day and,
especially when the kiddos areyounger, having that everyday
interaction with them so thatthey still know and they still
know that dad is around and theystill are having that everyday
interaction that we want to havewith them.
We never became dads to just bedads 50% of the time, right?
So working that into aparenting plan and fighting for
(23:16):
that consistency when you dohave it in there is incredibly
important, because every momentcounts, even just the small ones
.
You might not recognize thatnow I can tell you that it's
absolutely true, and theconsistent touches remind your
children you're still dad,you're reliable, you're loving
and you're always going to beright there when they need you.
(23:39):
So the parenting plan is morethan just logistics it's going
to be a lifeline for you andyour kiddos, all right.
The last one is know the warningsigns and acts right.
So know what you're feeling.
And if you're feeling numb, ifyou're feeling hopeless, if
(24:01):
you're not just angry butunusually angry, like off the
rails angry or disconnected, orlike your kids in the world
would be quote unquote betteroff without you, just stop.
If you get those feelings, stop.
They aren't just thoughts,they're red flags.
So don't ignore them.
Pay attention to them.
(24:23):
I think you may know, and if youdon't, that nationwide here in
the United States, 988 is thesuicide and crisis lifeline.
Call it and talk to somebody,reach out to a trusted friend,
contact a mental healthprofessional or go to an
emergency room.
I'm going to give you my phonenumber right here, right now,
(24:47):
and I've had guys take me up onthis, but if you're thinking
this call me it doesn't matterwhat time of day it is, or send
me a text, I will respond.
I don't know if I can respondimmediately.
I will respond as quickly as Ican humanly possibly respond,
but that number is 720-255-1021.
(25:08):
Again, 720-255-1021.
That's my Google number.
It goes directly to my cellphone.
I have this on me all the timeDo not ever hesitate to call.
You are not broken by havingthese feelings.
You're not broken by having toreach out and call me or call
somebody or text somebody.
(25:29):
You're not alone.
You're somebody's father andyour presence matters more than
you can possibly know.
So just know this, guys you'renot alone.
Asking for help is courage.
It's not a weakness.
Too many men are taught this,like I mentioned earlier, that
strength means silence.
That quote unquote.
(25:50):
Handling it means handling italone.
Silence that quote unquote.
Handling it means handling italone.
That the pain should not beburied and not be spoken.
That's a narrative that's wrongand it's a narrative that has
been hurting men for generations.
So I think we're getting betterat this, but if you're like me,
this was a hard one to stillgrasp.
(26:10):
The truth is asking for helpisn't weakness, it's wisdom.
It takes more guts to open upthan to shut down.
And for us dads navigatingdivorce, your courage is not
just for you, it's for your kidsand it's for your future and
for a life beyond this chapter.
You might not be able to seethe forest for the trees yet,
(26:33):
but I promise you there is alife 2.0.
Therapy doesn't have to be, itdoesn't have to feel like
sitting in a circle spillingyour emotions or, especially if
that's not your style, right,and that's not our masculine
style.
Modern therapy has come a longway around this.
Now I would just caution to saythat find a therapist and find
(26:56):
a modality that is comfortablefor you, but some of the modern
therapeutic practices are moreaction-oriented, more
problem-solving and include moreaccountability, and so these
are things that more align withus as men and our masculine
(27:17):
nature, and so it's not aboutquote unquote, getting fixed.
It's about having a skilledpartner in your corner to help
you rebuild.
Like the example I used earlier.
If you were going to rebuild ahome or structure or something
from a natural disaster, you'regoing to find and seek out
somebody that has the skill andknowledge and expertise to
(27:39):
either to help you in doing that.
It is the same thing Atherapist can be that.
It can be a coach, it can be aguide.
They can be a sounding board.
It's someone who helps youreconnect with your strength and
they help you to do it on yourown terms.
So if you're a divorced ordivorcing dad that is listening,
just know you're not broken,you are not alone and you're not
(28:05):
done.
That's the last part I want youto know.
You are not done.
You're still a father and thatrole still carries infinite
value, as you've heard me say.
Just about every single podcastthat I record is.
Your value is so immeasurablein your kiddo's life, even in
(28:30):
this difficult, challenging time, even if it feels like a mess,
even if you're in tremendousamount of pain.
So your kiddos need you and theydon't need you just on
birthdays or just on weekends.
They need your presence andthey need your peace of mind.
They need your resilience, theyneed you as a dad and they will
be learning by watching you.
(28:51):
So if they see their dad askingfor help and speaking honestly
and doing the hard work to heal,they'll learn what real
strength looks like.
So we talk about it all thetime, especially when we're in
group meetings, about modeling.
This is your opportunity now.
(29:11):
This is Men's Mental HealthAwareness Month.
You can be modeling what realstrength looks for them.
So we can shift this story andthis mindset.
We can normalize the words.
I need help and we can do it bybooking that therapy session or
joining that support group orgetting involved in the Divorced
(29:32):
Advocate community, texting afriend, calling that number that
I gave you earlier, or sayingthe hard things out loud.
When you're talking to somebody,you're not alone in this.
You're part of a brotherhood ofmen and fathers who are doing
the brave work of becoming wholeagain.
You don't have to beunbreakable to be strong.
You just have to be willing tobegin.
(29:54):
So your future self and yourkids will thank you for showing
up.
Gentlemen, I hope that youfound value in this today.
I do want to reiterate if youare struggling now, if you have
these thoughts of suicide oryou're making plans, call 988,
which is the US Suicide andCrisis Lifeline, or one of your
(30:16):
local emergency services.
You're not fighting this alone.
Reach out today.
My number again is 720-255-1021.
Gentlemen, have a great week,take care of yourselves, take
care of each other and God bless.
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