September 8, 2025 • 32 mins
The emotional toll of divorce creates a storm of complex emotions that leave men adrift, expected to navigate alone despite lacking experience with this life-altering process. A divorce coach serves as your harbor pilot through these turbulent waters, offering emotional support, strategic planning, improved communication skills, and personal growth opportunities that lawyers and therapists cannot provide.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello and welcome to the show.
Thank you so much for tuning inagain.
This week we are going to betalking about why it is
important for you, while goingthrough and post-divorce, to
have a coach to help younavigate this challenging time.
But before we jump in and, asusual, let's welcome our new
(00:21):
members to the Divorced Advocatecommunity.
Those are Alonzo and Nathan.
If you are listening to thispodcast you've listened more
than once make sure to go tothedivorcedadvocatecom and check
out all of the resources thatwe have there.
We have created this communityfor you to find something,
(00:42):
whatever you might need,wherever you're at in your
process, that can help youthrough it.
That's what the topic is todaythat we're gonna be talking
about and why it is important tohave somebody help you guide
through.
But the website is full ofresources, from free to paid,
that are gonna help you in thischallenging time, so check it
(01:03):
out at thedivorcedadvocatecom.
All right, gentlemen, divorceisn't just an event.
It's really a complex or acomplete dismantling of your
world, a seismic shock, if youwill, that unleashes a storm of
complex emotions.
(01:24):
The maps that you've used inyour past life are suddenly
useless during this time and youmight find yourself adrift on a
vast, turbulent sea.
The emotional storm isrelentless.
The waves of hot fury arefollowed by an undertow of a
(01:45):
deep, hollow ache for a futurethat has vanished, and all of it
, while in a thick fog ofconfusion, obscures any sense of
direction.
For fathers, this journey isoften a solo voyage.
Our society hands you a compassthat only points in one
(02:06):
direction, and that is, quote bestrong.
You're expected to be theunshakable rock to bottle up
your fear and navigate thehurricane in a deafening silence
.
But the strongest captains arethe ones who know when to ask
for help and when to ask forguidance.
(02:27):
What if you had a harbor pilotwho has expertly navigated these
exact straits hundreds of timesbefore?
Someone who can help you readthe unpredictable currents.
See past the storms.
Unpredictable currents.
(02:48):
See past the storms and steeryou not just to any port, but to
a destination of your choosing.
This is the essence of divorcecoaching, A steady hand on the
helm, providing the clarity andstrategy you need to move
through the tempest andconsciously chart a course for a
thriving life after divorce.
Gentlemen, the divorce isuncharted territory for many of
(03:11):
us, particularly if we've notever gone through it, and for
most men, it's a high stakesgame You're forced to play
without ever seeing the rulebook, which is huge.
It's a once in a lifetime event, which means you get no
practice runs, there's nodo-overs and no chance to learn
(03:33):
from your mistakes.
You're thrust into abewildering new world of legal
proceedings, tense financialnegotiations and crushing
emotional turmoil, withabsolutely no prior experience.
This profound lack of knowledgeis more than just stressful.
(03:54):
It can lead to devastating andcostly errors that impact you
and your children for years tocome.
The complexities are immense,because divorce isn't just the
end of marriage.
It's the complete and awful,brutal restructuring of your
entire life, and so I want youto I'm going to spend a little
(04:17):
bit of time here of sharing withyou what you're really dealing
with in going through divorce,and I share this to give you not
to scare you, but to give you areal sense of what's going on.
I know, when I startedcontemplating divorce, we all
know that it's difficult andchallenging, but I really had no
(04:40):
idea of the immense amount ofeverything that goes into it,
and the first one is really theemotional upheaval.
The emotional toll is just achaotic roller coaster, and it's
not just a straight line ofsadness.
(05:01):
One day you're filled, maybe,like I said, with a white, hot
anger at the injustice of all ofit, and the next you may be
blindsided by a wave of profoundgrief over losing the future
you had spent building.
That was my big one.
And men, particular, are oftenconditioned to suppress these
(05:25):
feelings, which leads to adangerous internal pressure.
Your friends might mean welland I'm sure that they do but
often their advice falls short.
They'll either hit you with auseless platitude like quote
don't worry, you're better off,which is awful or avoid the
topic altogether, leaving youfeeling completely isolated.
(05:47):
For example, you try to talk toa friend about the pain of your
kids leaving after your weekendand he awkwardly changes the
subject to football cope bythrowing yourself into maybe a
70-hour work week or startdrinking more than you should,
(06:15):
Anything just to numb thesilence of your new home or your
new living situation.
You're not just grieving yourex-wife, You're grieving the
inside jokes, the shared historyand the future that you had
envisioned, the retirement youwere supposed to have together,
the simple fact that you will nolonger be there to wake your
kids up on, maybe like a randomTuesday morning.
The next is the financial strain.
(06:36):
Suddenly you're in a financialfog of war, and that's
unfortunately the best way todescribe it.
The economic stability youbuilt as a team is shattered and
one household budget must nowstretch into two.
It's simple math, right?
The language is foreign of whatyou're going through QDRO,
(06:59):
stipends, asset declarations andthe costs are staggering.
It feels like a negotiation andmore like a battle for your
financial future.
For instance, you pay yourlawyer a $10,000 retainer,
assuming it will cover most ofthe process, but you're shocked
when it's completely gone.
(07:19):
After just a few contentiousemails and one court filing,
You're staring at a spreadsheettrying to figure out how your
single paycheck can possiblycover the rent for your new
place, your old mortgagepayments For now, child support
and your own living expenses.
In the moment of emotionalexhaustion, you might agree to
(07:41):
give up your share of a pensionjust to end the fighting, a
decision made in haste thatcould and probably will cost you
tens or even hundreds ofthousands of dollars in
retirement.
It's a sad reality.
The next is co-parentingchallenges.
Learning to co-parenteffectively with someone you are
(08:03):
emotionally and legallyuntangling from is one of the
hardest challenges you are evergoing to face, and nobody ever
talks about that.
Communication is a minefieldwhere any topic, no matter how
simple it might be, can reigniteold conflicts.
You've gone from being afull-time dad under one roof to
(08:26):
a father who has to scheduletime with his own children,
operating under a new and oftenfrustrating set of rules.
For instance, a simple textmessage of quote I'm running 15
minutes late to pick up the kidsexplodes into a mass of
arguments rehashing pastgrievances.
You discover that the rules atyour ex-wife's house are
(08:48):
completely different regardingscreen time and bedtime, and
your kids have already learnedhow to play you against each
other.
You then face theheart-wrenching reality of your
first Christmas morning withoutyour children, because the
parenting plan dictates it's notquote-unquote your holiday this
year.
(09:09):
The next is an identity crisis.
So much of your identity hasbeen wrapped up in your role as
a husband and as a provider fora specific family unit.
Then, when that is strippedaway, passive void is left
behind.
The social structures you tookfor granted crumble and you are
(09:30):
left to figure out who you arenow.
For instance, an acquaintanceat a party cheerfully asks how's
the family?
And you freeze A simplequestion, now feeling impossibly
complicated.
Your weekends, once filled withfamily activities and chores,
are now vast stretches ofsilence.
When the kids are away, Friendsyou once shared as a couple
(09:53):
slowly drift away and yourealize you have to rebuild your
social structures from scratch.
You find yourself askingfundamental questions you
haven't considered in years,like what do I even do?
What do I like to even doanymore?
Who am I, if not a husband?
What does my future look likeas a single father?
(10:15):
The process of answering thosequestions is daunting and it's a
path you should not have towalk alone.
So this takes me to what I feelis the lifeline of divorce
coaching.
Think of a divorce coach as thestrategic project manager for
this chaotic and overwhelmingnew phase of your life.
(10:37):
While your lawyer is your legalexperts focusing on the court
battle and all of the legalprocess, and a therapist helps
you heal maybe heal the woundsof the past and deal with your
emotions, a coach is yourforward-focusing thinking
partner.
They are on your team to helpyou manage the present and build
(11:00):
your future, providingemotional support, practical
guidance and strategic adviceevery single step of the way.
So how does that work and whatdoes that look like?
A divorce coach provides thatlifeline.
By providing one emotionalresilience and helping with
(11:25):
emotional resilience.
They'll provide a safe,non-judgmental space to process
this hurricane of emotions.
But they do more than justlisten.
This isn't therapy, right?
They equip you with tools tobuild resilience and make
clear-headed decisions whenyou're emotionally compromised.
And let me say that again, theyequip you with tools, right.
(11:48):
We're going to help teach youtools and build skills to build
resilience and make clear-headeddecisions when you're
emotionally compromised.
For instance, it's maybe late atnight or early in the morning
and you receive an infuriatingemail from your ex full of
accusations and blame.
Your immediate and this is allof us, our immediate impulse
(12:11):
might be to fire back an equallyangry response.
Instead, you forward it to yourcoach.
They help you vent, validateyour frustrations and then act
as a crucial pause button thenext morning or later that
evening, with a clear head, youwork together to craft a brief,
(12:32):
calm and strategic reply thatdoesn't escalate the conflict or
give away leverage right, butprevents a late night, early
morning emotional reaction frombecoming a legal liability.
You think it doesn't happen?
I've seen it happen all thetime.
I've done it myself, fellas.
(12:53):
This is why it's good to havesomebody in your corner to help
you mitigate stuff like that.
The next is strategic planning.
A great coach helps you getorganized.
They're also going to help youanticipate challenges, which is
huge.
You don't know what's happening, what's going to be coming down
(13:14):
the pipeline that's where acoach comes in Also will help
you to avoid the common pitfallsthat cost other men dearly, and
they cost in not only time, butalso in money and in stress,
and all of those have a big tollon you.
They help you move from beingreactive to being proactive.
(13:36):
For example, your lawyer askedyou to gather all of your
financial documents for youraffidavit.
It sounds easy, but it can be,and often for the most part, I
think most every man says thatit is somewhat completely
overwhelming, and what?
So what a coach will do is helpyou break it down into a
(13:58):
manageable checklist, creating aclear plan of action.
I've known, guys, that it'staken a year to get this done,
for whatever reason, and we'veworked on getting this done in a
faster timeline.
So you spend your coachingsessions preparing for your
upcoming mediation.
(14:18):
You'll do things likerole-playing potential scenarios
and defining yournon-negotiables.
The results will be that you'llwalk into high-stakes meetings
or hearings or courts with aconfidence, saving hundreds, if
not thousands, of dollars inbillable hours you would have
(14:38):
spent with your attorney, whichI can't even tell you the number
of times that attorneys arelike that's great.
They knew exactly how to showup, what to do and how to act in
that and I didn't have to coachthem through that right.
Your attorney is not yourtherapist.
Your attorney is not somebodythat is going to be planning
(14:59):
strategy for you 100% of thetime.
That is incumbent upon you tofigure out.
The next thing a divorce coachprovides is improved
communication, which is huge.
Learning to communicate withyour ex-spouse, especially about
your children, is critical.
Also, with your attorney, acoach will help you strip the
(15:20):
emotions out of yourinteractions and transform them
into business-like exchangesfocused solely on co-parenting
or communicating with yourattorney, your attorney.
So an example is every textabout logistics with an X might
(15:40):
be turning into a fight aboutthe past, and your coach can
help you learn the BIF method,which is brief, informative,
friendly and firm.
Instead of a long, triggeringmessage, you learn to write,
quote unquote just confirmingI'll be at your house Friday at
6 pm for pickup.
I'll bring the kids' soccercleats back Then, thank you.
It's a neutral style, gives nofuel for arguments and
(16:02):
establishes you as a calm,reliable co-parent.
Same thing with your attorney.
Instead of hashing out youremotions through emails with
them, you can be clear andconcise with what it is that you
want to do, the direction andcourse you want to take with
your case, and you don't have togo back and forth with them,
which gets unbelievablyexpensive.
(16:24):
The next thing the divorce coachcan provide is personal growth.
While I know that divorce feelslike an ending, it can also be
a catalyst for incredible growth, and a coach is instrumental in
helping you design what we callyour life 2.0, your life after
(16:45):
divorce.
For instance, you're facingyour first weekend alone,
without the kids, and thesilence of your new living
arrangement is deafening.
Instead of descending intomisery or numbing it with
something else, you use thetools your coach gave you.
You make a list of the thingsyou've always wanted to do.
Maybe it's joining a hikinggroup, signing up for a class or
(17:06):
finally learning to play thatguitar that's been sitting in
the corner forever.
Your coach helps you take small, incremental, actual steps to
rebuild your identity, so thatyour quote unquote time off from
parenting becomes anopportunity for renewal, not a
painful reminder of your loss,and I can't emphasize how
(17:27):
important that is and what thatcan do in modeling an example
for your kids, which I'm goingto describe a little bit later.
So there's a couple of differentways that you can seek coaching
divorce coaching, that is,through group coaching or
private coaching.
One or the other might be morepreferable for you.
(17:48):
Choosing the format is apersonal decision, much like
deciding between playing on ateam sport or hiring a personal
trainer.
Both can be effective, but theyserve very different needs.
Group coaching that's where thepower of a team comes in.
You have community and supportin the group.
(18:10):
You instantly will realize andthis happens on every group call
we have that you're not in thisalone.
It's amazing the number of timesthat guys are just like oh my
gosh, I thought I was the onlyone having these feelings or
going through this.
The shared understanding isincredibly validating and
combats the isolation that somany men feel.
(18:32):
Self-isolation is the worstthing for us to do during this
process, and an example of thisis you're struggling with the
anger and jealousy of your exintroducing a new partner to
your kids.
In a group call, another dadshares that he went through the
exact same thing last month.
He offers practical advice onhow he managed it, validating
your feelings while giving you aproven path forward.
(18:54):
Again, we don't know how tohandle these things.
We've never gone through itbefore.
Having others surrounding youand lifting you up and helping
to strategize and work throughthis process is huge.
The other thing group coachinggives is a diverse perspective.
Hearing how other men arenavigating their unique
challenges can provideinvaluable insights and
(19:16):
solutions you would have neverconsidered on your own.
And because all of oursituations are unique and
different, the collaborativeapproach when guys are talking
about this together is reallyphenomenal.
I've heard I just heard guysworking through stuff together
in our group calls and our groupcoaching meetings that are just
(19:38):
spectacular, coming up withunique and creative ways for
guys to deal with stuff, andwhen we bring more minds
together and more heads and moreexperiences, it's just really
powerful.
The next thing iscost-effective.
The group coaching is way morecost-effective, Obviously.
(19:58):
Group programs allow you toaccess high-level support and
community for a fraction of thecost of one-on-one coaching.
For the price of maybe whatsome of you are paying for a
single hour with your attorney,you can often get a full month
of group support and at the endI'm going to share what we've
(20:19):
got going on here soon,beginning October 8th of next
month with our group meetings,and provide an offer for you as
well around that Privatecoaching.
Okay, so that was a groupcoaching.
Those are the benefits of groupcoaching.
Private coaching, Think of it.
Like I said in the intro, theprivate coaching is your
(20:39):
personal trainer for yourdivorce.
It is personalized attention,one-on-one coaching.
It's entirely.
It is entirely tailored to youand your specific and unique
circumstances.
Every minute of every sessionis dedicated to your challenges
and your goals.
An example your divorce isespecially complex because maybe
(21:01):
you and your spouse co-own abusiness, which requires a
nuanced strategy that is way toosensitive and specific for a
group setting.
Your private coach works withyou to entangle the financial
and emotional threads preparingyou for high stakes negotiations
with your legal team and yoursoon to be ex.
(21:24):
The other thing that privatecoaching provides is
confidentiality.
For men who are intenselyprivate, are public figures or
are dealing with sensitiveissues, the confidentiality of
private coaching is paramount.
It's a secure vault, if youwill, for your deepest concerns.
(21:45):
You need to discuss yourpersonal matters, such as
infidelity or substance abuseand how they might be impacting
your custody case.
A private setting allows you tobe completely open and
vulnerable, without fear ofjudgment or exposure.
The last is that you're able toreally deep dive.
(22:05):
The private coaching allows youto go much, much deeper into
personal roadblocks.
If you find a specific mindsetor a behavior that is holding
you back, a coach can work withyou intensively to overcome it
and overcome it in a quickeramount of time.
For instance, you recognizethat your lifelong habit of
(22:27):
avoiding conflict is causing youto cave during negotiations, or
you have a lifelong habit ofjust avoidance in general and
you want to put this like theclient I talked to you about,
that's taking up to a year totry to just get his financials
in place.
(22:47):
In private sessions, you canwork with a coach it will in
creating assertive techniques,confidence building exercises
that are going to empower you toadvocate for something that
might be fair and equitable anda good outcome for everybody.
(23:08):
So what is and why investing inyour future, and how can this be
really what I would describe asa legacy of strength?
It's easy to view divorce as afinal, devastating chapter, but
I want to encourage you to thinkof it another way, because of
(23:32):
the truth is it's not an ending,it's a crossroads, and if you
can reframe that in your mind,the path you take from here will
define not only your future butthe legacy you leave for your
children, and that's critical.
Investing in divorce coachingis the most powerful choice you
(23:57):
can make at this crossroads.
Think of it this way youwouldn't build a house without a
blueprint or navigate a hostilebusiness merger without a
strategist.
So then I ask you, why wouldyou attempt to rebuild your
entire life under immensepressure without an expert guide
(24:21):
?
Investing in coaching, you'remaking a strategic investment
with dividends that pay out fordecades to come.
You're investing in yourfinancial future.
A coach is going to help youseparate emotions from
negotiations, preventing youfrom making catastrophic
(24:42):
financial decisions in a momentof anger or exhaustion and I
know this gentleman because I'vebeen there, because I did it
and it's impacted my life formore than a decade.
Agreeing to a poor settlementto just quote unquote make it go
away can cripple youfinancially for years.
(25:02):
A coach keeps you focused onsecuring stable, equitable
outcomes that serve as afoundation for your new life.
I cannot emphasize that enough,fellas, You've got to be in a
good place financially to beable to provide the environment
and the support for your kidsongoing, You're also investing
(25:24):
in your own wellbeing.
The alternative to proactivesupport is often a long, bitter
road of resentment, stress andloneliness.
This emotional baggage doesn'tjust disappear.
It poisons your health, yourwork and your future
relationships, not onlyromantically, but also with your
(25:45):
kiddos.
Coaching gives you the tools toprocess the anger and grief
constructively so you can emergefrom the divorce whole and
healthy, not broken and bitter.
It's your chance to break oldpatterns and intentionally
design a life of purpose andfulfillment.
That's exactly the first stepthat we take is creating a
(26:07):
vision and direction for youthat you want post-divorce and,
most importantly, you'reinvesting in your children's
future.
How is it by through coachingthat you're investing in your
children's future?
Because your kids are going toremember how you handled this
crisis, and will they remember afather consumed by conflict,
(26:29):
who spoke ill of their motherand treated every interaction
like a battle?
Or will they remember a fatherwho, despite his own intense
pain, showed them whatresilience, integrity and grace
under pressure looks like?
A coach helps you become thatfather by teaching you to manage
your own emotions, shield yourchildren from conflict and build
(26:52):
a healthy, stable and lovingco-parent or parallel parenting
relationship.
This is the greatest gift youcan give your kids and it will
shape their emotional health forthe rest of their lives, and
that is not an underestimatedstatement.
So divorce is not a story thatis happening to you, gentlemen.
(27:15):
It's a story you are now incharge of writing.
Let me say that again Divorceis not happening to you.
It is a story that you get tonow write.
Don't navigate this story anddon't navigate this journey by
trial and error.
You're not going to have achance to go back and rewrite it
, Lost in the storm.
(27:35):
The strong choice and thechoice of a leader like a
captain, like we talked aboutearlier, is to find an
experienced guide.
Reach out to a divorce coach,take control of the narrative
and take the first, mostimportant step toward building a
brighter, stronger future foryou and your family.
(27:57):
Fellas, on this note, I havebeen working tirelessly now for
five years to create a communityand provide support and the
ability for you to get everypossible resource in going
through this.
We have done group meetings.
We have done individualcoaching as well, but we are
(28:18):
going to be starting a groupcoaching program.
It is a six-week programbeginning on October 8th.
This is going to be pricedaffordably for you to be able to
spend six weeks with other guys.
We're going to have a minimumof five guys that are going to
be in this group, a maximum of10 guys.
We're going to continue tostart doing this ongoing with
(28:39):
group coaching as well asprivate coaching.
To provide just anotheraffordable option.
There are going to be all kindsof benefits, like a lifelong
membership to the divorcedadvocate community, as well as
being able to work directly withsome of the experts that we
have had in the past on the show, like a Certified Divorce
Financial Planner, CertifiedDivorce Lender, a Pro Se Coach,
(29:03):
a Divorce Real Estates Agent.
We have all these resourcescoming on now.
Check out the website We've got.
Some of these events are freefor you to come and just get
some information.
Some of them are going to bepaid.
Fellas, get engaged, get a coach, get involved in either some of
the free group meetings.
Get involved in some of thegroup coaching meetings.
(29:27):
Get involved and find yourselfa divorce coach.
I cannot emphasize howimportant it is to go through
this with somebody that can helpyou craft your life
post-divorce.
That is going to be amazing foryou and for your kiddos.
Gentlemen, I hope that youfound some value in what you
heard today.
If you have, please share thisfar and wide on social media
(29:50):
with others.
Leave us a star rating onwhatever platform you're
listening.
Even better, give us somecomments.
I sincerely appreciate youlistening today.
Stay strong, brothers, and Godbless.
Hello and welcome to the show.
Thank you so much for tuning inagain.
This week we are going to betalking about why it is
important for you, while goingthrough and post-divorce, to
have a coach to help younavigate this challenging time.
But before we jump in and, asusual, let's welcome our new
(00:21):
members to the Divorced Advocatecommunity.
Those are Alonzo and Nathan.
If you are listening to thispodcast you've listened more
than once make sure to go tothedivorcedadvocatecom and check
out all of the resources thatwe have there.
We have created this communityfor you to find something,
(00:42):
whatever you might need,wherever you're at in your
process, that can help youthrough it.
That's what the topic is todaythat we're gonna be talking
about and why it is important tohave somebody help you guide
through.
But the website is full ofresources, from free to paid,
that are gonna help you in thischallenging time, so check it
(01:03):
out at thedivorcedadvocatecom.
All right, gentlemen, divorceisn't just an event.
It's really a complex or acomplete dismantling of your
world, a seismic shock, if youwill, that unleashes a storm of
complex emotions.
(01:24):
The maps that you've used inyour past life are suddenly
useless during this time and youmight find yourself adrift on a
vast, turbulent sea.
The emotional storm isrelentless.
The waves of hot fury arefollowed by an undertow of a
(01:45):
deep, hollow ache for a futurethat has vanished, and all of it
, while in a thick fog ofconfusion, obscures any sense of
direction.
For fathers, this journey isoften a solo voyage.
Our society hands you a compassthat only points in one
(02:06):
direction, and that is, quote bestrong.
You're expected to be theunshakable rock to bottle up
your fear and navigate thehurricane in a deafening silence
.
But the strongest captains arethe ones who know when to ask
for help and when to ask forguidance.
(02:27):
What if you had a harbor pilotwho has expertly navigated these
exact straits hundreds of timesbefore?
Someone who can help you readthe unpredictable currents.
See past the storms.
Unpredictable currents.
(02:48):
See past the storms and steeryou not just to any port, but to
a destination of your choosing.
This is the essence of divorcecoaching, A steady hand on the
helm, providing the clarity andstrategy you need to move
through the tempest andconsciously chart a course for a
thriving life after divorce.
Gentlemen, the divorce isuncharted territory for many of
(03:11):
us, particularly if we've notever gone through it, and for
most men, it's a high stakesgame You're forced to play
without ever seeing the rulebook, which is huge.
It's a once in a lifetime event, which means you get no
practice runs, there's nodo-overs and no chance to learn
(03:33):
from your mistakes.
You're thrust into abewildering new world of legal
proceedings, tense financialnegotiations and crushing
emotional turmoil, withabsolutely no prior experience.
This profound lack of knowledgeis more than just stressful.
(03:54):
It can lead to devastating andcostly errors that impact you
and your children for years tocome.
The complexities are immense,because divorce isn't just the
end of marriage.
It's the complete and awful,brutal restructuring of your
entire life, and so I want youto I'm going to spend a little
(04:17):
bit of time here of sharing withyou what you're really dealing
with in going through divorce,and I share this to give you not
to scare you, but to give you areal sense of what's going on.
I know, when I startedcontemplating divorce, we all
know that it's difficult andchallenging, but I really had no
(04:40):
idea of the immense amount ofeverything that goes into it,
and the first one is really theemotional upheaval.
The emotional toll is just achaotic roller coaster, and it's
not just a straight line ofsadness.
(05:01):
One day you're filled, maybe,like I said, with a white, hot
anger at the injustice of all ofit, and the next you may be
blindsided by a wave of profoundgrief over losing the future
you had spent building.
That was my big one.
And men, particular, are oftenconditioned to suppress these
(05:25):
feelings, which leads to adangerous internal pressure.
Your friends might mean welland I'm sure that they do but
often their advice falls short.
They'll either hit you with auseless platitude like quote
don't worry, you're better off,which is awful or avoid the
topic altogether, leaving youfeeling completely isolated.
(05:47):
For example, you try to talk toa friend about the pain of your
kids leaving after your weekendand he awkwardly changes the
subject to football cope bythrowing yourself into maybe a
70-hour work week or startdrinking more than you should,
(06:15):
Anything just to numb thesilence of your new home or your
new living situation.
You're not just grieving yourex-wife, You're grieving the
inside jokes, the shared historyand the future that you had
envisioned, the retirement youwere supposed to have together,
the simple fact that you will nolonger be there to wake your
kids up on, maybe like a randomTuesday morning.
The next is the financial strain.
(06:36):
Suddenly you're in a financialfog of war, and that's
unfortunately the best way todescribe it.
The economic stability youbuilt as a team is shattered and
one household budget must nowstretch into two.
It's simple math, right?
The language is foreign of whatyou're going through QDRO,
(06:59):
stipends, asset declarations andthe costs are staggering.
It feels like a negotiation andmore like a battle for your
financial future.
For instance, you pay yourlawyer a $10,000 retainer,
assuming it will cover most ofthe process, but you're shocked
when it's completely gone.
(07:19):
After just a few contentiousemails and one court filing,
You're staring at a spreadsheettrying to figure out how your
single paycheck can possiblycover the rent for your new
place, your old mortgagepayments For now, child support
and your own living expenses.
In the moment of emotionalexhaustion, you might agree to
(07:41):
give up your share of a pensionjust to end the fighting, a
decision made in haste thatcould and probably will cost you
tens or even hundreds ofthousands of dollars in
retirement.
It's a sad reality.
The next is co-parentingchallenges.
Learning to co-parenteffectively with someone you are
(08:03):
emotionally and legallyuntangling from is one of the
hardest challenges you are evergoing to face, and nobody ever
talks about that.
Communication is a minefieldwhere any topic, no matter how
simple it might be, can reigniteold conflicts.
You've gone from being afull-time dad under one roof to
(08:26):
a father who has to scheduletime with his own children,
operating under a new and oftenfrustrating set of rules.
For instance, a simple textmessage of quote I'm running 15
minutes late to pick up the kidsexplodes into a mass of
arguments rehashing pastgrievances.
You discover that the rules atyour ex-wife's house are
(08:48):
completely different regardingscreen time and bedtime, and
your kids have already learnedhow to play you against each
other.
You then face theheart-wrenching reality of your
first Christmas morning withoutyour children, because the
parenting plan dictates it's notquote-unquote your holiday this
year.
(09:09):
The next is an identity crisis.
So much of your identity hasbeen wrapped up in your role as
a husband and as a provider fora specific family unit.
Then, when that is strippedaway, passive void is left
behind.
The social structures you tookfor granted crumble and you are
(09:30):
left to figure out who you arenow.
For instance, an acquaintanceat a party cheerfully asks how's
the family?
And you freeze A simplequestion, now feeling impossibly
complicated.
Your weekends, once filled withfamily activities and chores,
are now vast stretches ofsilence.
When the kids are away, Friendsyou once shared as a couple
(09:53):
slowly drift away and yourealize you have to rebuild your
social structures from scratch.
You find yourself askingfundamental questions you
haven't considered in years,like what do I even do?
What do I like to even doanymore?
Who am I, if not a husband?
What does my future look likeas a single father?
(10:15):
The process of answering thosequestions is daunting and it's a
path you should not have towalk alone.
So this takes me to what I feelis the lifeline of divorce
coaching.
Think of a divorce coach as thestrategic project manager for
this chaotic and overwhelmingnew phase of your life.
(10:37):
While your lawyer is your legalexperts focusing on the court
battle and all of the legalprocess, and a therapist helps
you heal maybe heal the woundsof the past and deal with your
emotions, a coach is yourforward-focusing thinking
partner.
They are on your team to helpyou manage the present and build
(11:00):
your future, providingemotional support, practical
guidance and strategic adviceevery single step of the way.
So how does that work and whatdoes that look like?
A divorce coach provides thatlifeline.
By providing one emotionalresilience and helping with
(11:25):
emotional resilience.
They'll provide a safe,non-judgmental space to process
this hurricane of emotions.
But they do more than justlisten.
This isn't therapy, right?
They equip you with tools tobuild resilience and make
clear-headed decisions whenyou're emotionally compromised.
And let me say that again, theyequip you with tools, right.
(11:48):
We're going to help teach youtools and build skills to build
resilience and make clear-headeddecisions when you're
emotionally compromised.
For instance, it's maybe late atnight or early in the morning
and you receive an infuriatingemail from your ex full of
accusations and blame.
Your immediate and this is allof us, our immediate impulse
(12:11):
might be to fire back an equallyangry response.
Instead, you forward it to yourcoach.
They help you vent, validateyour frustrations and then act
as a crucial pause button thenext morning or later that
evening, with a clear head, youwork together to craft a brief,
(12:32):
calm and strategic reply thatdoesn't escalate the conflict or
give away leverage right, butprevents a late night, early
morning emotional reaction frombecoming a legal liability.
You think it doesn't happen?
I've seen it happen all thetime.
I've done it myself, fellas.
(12:53):
This is why it's good to havesomebody in your corner to help
you mitigate stuff like that.
The next is strategic planning.
A great coach helps you getorganized.
They're also going to help youanticipate challenges, which is
huge.
You don't know what's happening, what's going to be coming down
(13:14):
the pipeline that's where acoach comes in Also will help
you to avoid the common pitfallsthat cost other men dearly, and
they cost in not only time, butalso in money and in stress,
and all of those have a big tollon you.
They help you move from beingreactive to being proactive.
(13:36):
For example, your lawyer askedyou to gather all of your
financial documents for youraffidavit.
It sounds easy, but it can be,and often for the most part, I
think most every man says thatit is somewhat completely
overwhelming, and what?
So what a coach will do is helpyou break it down into a
(13:58):
manageable checklist, creating aclear plan of action.
I've known, guys, that it'staken a year to get this done,
for whatever reason, and we'veworked on getting this done in a
faster timeline.
So you spend your coachingsessions preparing for your
upcoming mediation.
(14:18):
You'll do things likerole-playing potential scenarios
and defining yournon-negotiables.
The results will be that you'llwalk into high-stakes meetings
or hearings or courts with aconfidence, saving hundreds, if
not thousands, of dollars inbillable hours you would have
(14:38):
spent with your attorney, whichI can't even tell you the number
of times that attorneys arelike that's great.
They knew exactly how to showup, what to do and how to act in
that and I didn't have to coachthem through that right.
Your attorney is not yourtherapist.
Your attorney is not somebodythat is going to be planning
(14:59):
strategy for you 100% of thetime.
That is incumbent upon you tofigure out.
The next thing a divorce coachprovides is improved
communication, which is huge.
Learning to communicate withyour ex-spouse, especially about
your children, is critical.
Also, with your attorney, acoach will help you strip the
(15:20):
emotions out of yourinteractions and transform them
into business-like exchangesfocused solely on co-parenting
or communicating with yourattorney, your attorney.
So an example is every textabout logistics with an X might
(15:40):
be turning into a fight aboutthe past, and your coach can
help you learn the BIF method,which is brief, informative,
friendly and firm.
Instead of a long, triggeringmessage, you learn to write,
quote unquote just confirmingI'll be at your house Friday at
6 pm for pickup.
I'll bring the kids' soccercleats back Then, thank you.
It's a neutral style, gives nofuel for arguments and
(16:02):
establishes you as a calm,reliable co-parent.
Same thing with your attorney.
Instead of hashing out youremotions through emails with
them, you can be clear andconcise with what it is that you
want to do, the direction andcourse you want to take with
your case, and you don't have togo back and forth with them,
which gets unbelievablyexpensive.
(16:24):
The next thing the divorce coachcan provide is personal growth.
While I know that divorce feelslike an ending, it can also be
a catalyst for incredible growth, and a coach is instrumental in
helping you design what we callyour life 2.0, your life after
(16:45):
divorce.
For instance, you're facingyour first weekend alone,
without the kids, and thesilence of your new living
arrangement is deafening.
Instead of descending intomisery or numbing it with
something else, you use thetools your coach gave you.
You make a list of the thingsyou've always wanted to do.
Maybe it's joining a hikinggroup, signing up for a class or
(17:06):
finally learning to play thatguitar that's been sitting in
the corner forever.
Your coach helps you take small, incremental, actual steps to
rebuild your identity, so thatyour quote unquote time off from
parenting becomes anopportunity for renewal, not a
painful reminder of your loss,and I can't emphasize how
(17:27):
important that is and what thatcan do in modeling an example
for your kids, which I'm goingto describe a little bit later.
So there's a couple of differentways that you can seek coaching
divorce coaching, that is,through group coaching or
private coaching.
One or the other might be morepreferable for you.
(17:48):
Choosing the format is apersonal decision, much like
deciding between playing on ateam sport or hiring a personal
trainer.
Both can be effective, but theyserve very different needs.
Group coaching that's where thepower of a team comes in.
You have community and supportin the group.
(18:10):
You instantly will realize andthis happens on every group call
we have that you're not in thisalone.
It's amazing the number of timesthat guys are just like oh my
gosh, I thought I was the onlyone having these feelings or
going through this.
The shared understanding isincredibly validating and
combats the isolation that somany men feel.
(18:32):
Self-isolation is the worstthing for us to do during this
process, and an example of thisis you're struggling with the
anger and jealousy of your exintroducing a new partner to
your kids.
In a group call, another dadshares that he went through the
exact same thing last month.
He offers practical advice onhow he managed it, validating
your feelings while giving you aproven path forward.
(18:54):
Again, we don't know how tohandle these things.
We've never gone through itbefore.
Having others surrounding youand lifting you up and helping
to strategize and work throughthis process is huge.
The other thing group coachinggives is a diverse perspective.
Hearing how other men arenavigating their unique
challenges can provideinvaluable insights and
(19:16):
solutions you would have neverconsidered on your own.
And because all of oursituations are unique and
different, the collaborativeapproach when guys are talking
about this together is reallyphenomenal.
I've heard I just heard guysworking through stuff together
in our group calls and our groupcoaching meetings that are just
(19:38):
spectacular, coming up withunique and creative ways for
guys to deal with stuff, andwhen we bring more minds
together and more heads and moreexperiences, it's just really
powerful.
The next thing iscost-effective.
The group coaching is way morecost-effective, Obviously.
(19:58):
Group programs allow you toaccess high-level support and
community for a fraction of thecost of one-on-one coaching.
For the price of maybe whatsome of you are paying for a
single hour with your attorney,you can often get a full month
of group support and at the endI'm going to share what we've
(20:19):
got going on here soon,beginning October 8th of next
month with our group meetings,and provide an offer for you as
well around that Privatecoaching.
Okay, so that was a groupcoaching.
Those are the benefits of groupcoaching.
Private coaching, Think of it.
Like I said in the intro, theprivate coaching is your
(20:39):
personal trainer for yourdivorce.
It is personalized attention,one-on-one coaching.
It's entirely.
It is entirely tailored to youand your specific and unique
circumstances.
Every minute of every sessionis dedicated to your challenges
and your goals.
An example your divorce isespecially complex because maybe
(21:01):
you and your spouse co-own abusiness, which requires a
nuanced strategy that is way toosensitive and specific for a
group setting.
Your private coach works withyou to entangle the financial
and emotional threads preparingyou for high stakes negotiations
with your legal team and yoursoon to be ex.
(21:24):
The other thing that privatecoaching provides is
confidentiality.
For men who are intenselyprivate, are public figures or
are dealing with sensitiveissues, the confidentiality of
private coaching is paramount.
It's a secure vault, if youwill, for your deepest concerns.
(21:45):
You need to discuss yourpersonal matters, such as
infidelity or substance abuseand how they might be impacting
your custody case.
A private setting allows you tobe completely open and
vulnerable, without fear ofjudgment or exposure.
The last is that you're able toreally deep dive.
(22:05):
The private coaching allows youto go much, much deeper into
personal roadblocks.
If you find a specific mindsetor a behavior that is holding
you back, a coach can work withyou intensively to overcome it
and overcome it in a quickeramount of time.
For instance, you recognizethat your lifelong habit of
(22:27):
avoiding conflict is causing youto cave during negotiations, or
you have a lifelong habit ofjust avoidance in general and
you want to put this like theclient I talked to you about,
that's taking up to a year totry to just get his financials
in place.
(22:47):
In private sessions, you canwork with a coach it will in
creating assertive techniques,confidence building exercises
that are going to empower you toadvocate for something that
might be fair and equitable anda good outcome for everybody.
(23:08):
So what is and why investing inyour future, and how can this be
really what I would describe asa legacy of strength?
It's easy to view divorce as afinal, devastating chapter, but
I want to encourage you to thinkof it another way, because of
(23:32):
the truth is it's not an ending,it's a crossroads, and if you
can reframe that in your mind,the path you take from here will
define not only your future butthe legacy you leave for your
children, and that's critical.
Investing in divorce coachingis the most powerful choice you
(23:57):
can make at this crossroads.
Think of it this way youwouldn't build a house without a
blueprint or navigate a hostilebusiness merger without a
strategist.
So then I ask you, why wouldyou attempt to rebuild your
entire life under immensepressure without an expert guide
(24:21):
?
Investing in coaching, you'remaking a strategic investment
with dividends that pay out fordecades to come.
You're investing in yourfinancial future.
A coach is going to help youseparate emotions from
negotiations, preventing youfrom making catastrophic
(24:42):
financial decisions in a momentof anger or exhaustion and I
know this gentleman because I'vebeen there, because I did it
and it's impacted my life formore than a decade.
Agreeing to a poor settlementto just quote unquote make it go
away can cripple youfinancially for years.
(25:02):
A coach keeps you focused onsecuring stable, equitable
outcomes that serve as afoundation for your new life.
I cannot emphasize that enough,fellas, You've got to be in a
good place financially to beable to provide the environment
and the support for your kidsongoing, You're also investing
(25:24):
in your own wellbeing.
The alternative to proactivesupport is often a long, bitter
road of resentment, stress andloneliness.
This emotional baggage doesn'tjust disappear.
It poisons your health, yourwork and your future
relationships, not onlyromantically, but also with your
(25:45):
kiddos.
Coaching gives you the tools toprocess the anger and grief
constructively so you can emergefrom the divorce whole and
healthy, not broken and bitter.
It's your chance to break oldpatterns and intentionally
design a life of purpose andfulfillment.
That's exactly the first stepthat we take is creating a
(26:07):
vision and direction for youthat you want post-divorce and,
most importantly, you'reinvesting in your children's
future.
How is it by through coachingthat you're investing in your
children's future?
Because your kids are going toremember how you handled this
crisis, and will they remember afather consumed by conflict,
(26:29):
who spoke ill of their motherand treated every interaction
like a battle?
Or will they remember a fatherwho, despite his own intense
pain, showed them whatresilience, integrity and grace
under pressure looks like?
A coach helps you become thatfather by teaching you to manage
your own emotions, shield yourchildren from conflict and build
(26:52):
a healthy, stable and lovingco-parent or parallel parenting
relationship.
This is the greatest gift youcan give your kids and it will
shape their emotional health forthe rest of their lives, and
that is not an underestimatedstatement.
So divorce is not a story thatis happening to you, gentlemen.
(27:15):
It's a story you are now incharge of writing.
Let me say that again Divorceis not happening to you.
It is a story that you get tonow write.
Don't navigate this story anddon't navigate this journey by
trial and error.
You're not going to have achance to go back and rewrite it
, Lost in the storm.
(27:35):
The strong choice and thechoice of a leader like a
captain, like we talked aboutearlier, is to find an
experienced guide.
Reach out to a divorce coach,take control of the narrative
and take the first, mostimportant step toward building a
brighter, stronger future foryou and your family.
(27:57):
Fellas, on this note, I havebeen working tirelessly now for
five years to create a communityand provide support and the
ability for you to get everypossible resource in going
through this.
We have done group meetings.
We have done individualcoaching as well, but we are
(28:18):
going to be starting a groupcoaching program.
It is a six-week programbeginning on October 8th.
This is going to be pricedaffordably for you to be able to
spend six weeks with other guys.
We're going to have a minimumof five guys that are going to
be in this group, a maximum of10 guys.
We're going to continue tostart doing this ongoing with
(28:39):
group coaching as well asprivate coaching.
To provide just anotheraffordable option.
There are going to be all kindsof benefits, like a lifelong
membership to the divorcedadvocate community, as well as
being able to work directly withsome of the experts that we
have had in the past on the show, like a Certified Divorce
Financial Planner, CertifiedDivorce Lender, a Pro Se Coach,
(29:03):
a Divorce Real Estates Agent.
We have all these resourcescoming on now.
Check out the website We've got.
Some of these events are freefor you to come and just get
some information.
Some of them are going to bepaid.
Fellas, get engaged, get a coach, get involved in either some of
the free group meetings.
Get involved in some of thegroup coaching meetings.
(29:27):
Get involved and find yourselfa divorce coach.
I cannot emphasize howimportant it is to go through
this with somebody that can helpyou craft your life
post-divorce.
That is going to be amazing foryou and for your kiddos.
Gentlemen, I hope that youfound some value in what you
heard today.
If you have, please share thisfar and wide on social media
(29:50):
with others.
Leave us a star rating onwhatever platform you're
listening.
Even better, give us somecomments.
I sincerely appreciate youlistening today.
Stay strong, brothers, and Godbless.
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