Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Hello and welcome to
the show.
Thank you so much for tuning inthis week.
We are going to be talking aboutwhat to do immediately after
being served divorce papers.
Lots of times, guys getsurprised by this, even if there
may have been challenges, and itcan be a time where lots of
(00:23):
mistakes get made.
So we're going to talk aboutthat.
But before we jump in, let mewelcome Malcolm, James, and
Scott to the Divorced Advocatecommunity.
If you are not yet apart andyou've listened to more than one
of these episodes, you have gotto get involved in the
community.
Check outthedivorcedavicate.com.
(00:45):
We have resources whereveryou're at in your divorce,
whether you're contemplating,whether you're in the middle of
it or whether you'repost-divorce, all those are
important time frames.
We have resources for you.
And wherever you're atfinancially, we have free all
the way through paid support andcoaching.
So check it out atthedivorcedadvocate.com.
(01:06):
We've got new stuff coming ononline.
We've got new trusted alliescoming on.
We've got so much stuff.
We've got group coaching.
We got QA's.
We had a great one this lastweek on alienation as well.
So check out the events page aswell at the at the website, too.
That's at the divorcedadvocate.com.
(01:31):
Check it out.
Okay.
What to do immediately afterbeing served divorce papers?
So this can feel like a gutpunch, like I said, whether or
not you saw it coming or not.
Seeing the your name on paperand just then contemplating the
(01:52):
fact that your marriage will beending, it can be a shock.
And in that moment, lots ofemotions and fears and like fear
and anger and confusion can takeover, which is not good, right?
Because you get into thatbasically the fight or flight
mode.
So you want to be able to stop.
(02:12):
So and what you're going to doin these next few days, few
weeks is going to really, reallyshape your future, your future
with your kiddos and yourrelationship with your kiddos.
It's going to shape yourfinances, and it's going to have
a significant impact on whathappens post-divorce.
(02:33):
So we're going to just breakdown step by step what you
should do right away after beingserved.
And then we're, and then I'mjust going to give you some real
world examples and some adviceand strategy around how to how
to do things.
The first thing you want to doif you're served papers is just
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stop.
You're going to be, like I, likeI just said, you're going to be
overwhelmed with emotions,particularly if this wasn't
discussed with you, or if ifthis just happens out of the
blue and you did not know.
The first thing you need tounderstand is the fact that your
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soon-to-be ex has been thinkingabout and or planning this for
months, if not years.
So this immediate reaction thatyou're going to have to this,
that these overwhelmingemotions, you are already behind
the eight ball.
And you're behind the eight ballbecause she's already thought
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through this, she's alreadydealt with these emotions and
some of this stuff that's comingup.
So the last thing you want to dois have some sort of emotional
reaction to this immediately.
So even if you're angry, even ifyou're sad or upset, just stop
and focus on what those feelingsare, what those emotions are.
(04:00):
Get those under control.
I would really say just take 24hours before you do anything.
Now I know that might be alittle bit challenging and a
little bit difficult in uh inyour situation, particularly if
you're still cohabitatingtogether, if you have dad duties
that you need to take care of orfamily obligations together, but
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do whatever you can do to juststop.
Don't don't worry about thepapers.
You can look at them.
We're going to talk next aboutmaking sure to read through
everything, but uh just takethose 24 hours.
Look, 24 hours is not going tomatter.
This is going to be, uh we'regoing to talk about the long
game.
This is going to be a long roadthat you're going to that you're
going to be going on.
(04:43):
So waiting 24 hours andstopping, not having an
emotional reaction, not doinganything, not discussing it,
etc., with with your wife isgoing to be the best thing to
do.
And and 100% don't get into anyarguments or problems or or
confrontations or anythingaround this because you're just
(05:03):
not, again, you are not at thesame place in this whole process
that she may be in.
So the first thing you need todo is you need to stop.
You just need to take a deepbreath, and you need to give
yourself 24 hours just to startprocessing all this stuff that's
going to be coming up.
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Okay, the next step, line numbertwo, is make sure to read all of
the parts of the of the paper,every line of what you are what
you are served.
Because there's going to be thethe petition or a complaint for
divorce.
There's going to be a summons.
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There's going to be temporary,there might be temporary orders
or emotion or motions.
So just make sure to readthrough that, look and see, try
to understand what your yourspouse is requesting.
The summons is going to tell youhow long you have to uh to
respond.
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If there are any motions ortemporary orders or anything
involved in that, there it'sgoing to talk about the custody
and the support property, it'set cetera.
So just this is where then youneed to start getting ready to
document everything.
Okay.
So you're going to have to startmaking some preparations,
writing deadlines on yourcalendar, set reminders, just
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kind of go through this and geta good feel for this, okay?
Because then once you're served,what happens is there is a there
is a clock ticking.
There's certain timelines thatyou need to get through this.
And this is one of the things Isee a lot of times is is is
you're going through thisemotional process.
(06:49):
It might be a shock to you, andthen you're going to go through
the grieving process.
The grieving process includesdenial.
Guys are in denial, or they wantto bargain about it with their
with their wife, and they putstuff off like what they need to
do in order to deal with this inthe time frame in which they
have to do it.
And then they get really behindthe eight-ball, where they're
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already behind the eight-ball,they get even further behind the
eight-ball, and they don't startgetting everything in order.
So you need to, you need to,once you get through those
emotions and give yourself 24hours, you need to read
everything that you're served,and you need to understand what
it is that is being requested.
You need to know the time framesand the timelines so that you
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get up to speed on this.
I'll add to this one of thethings we talk about, I talk
about in individual coaching,but also in our group calls, is
then you need to really start toget up to speed on understanding
the statutes in your state.
You don't need to become ajunior attorney, but you need to
be able to talk to your attorneyintelligently about the process.
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This is something that I didn'tdo.
This is something that guysdon't do all the time, which is
get yourself up to speed reallyon the statutes, on the process.
Do not just trust your attorneyfor helping you through this.
They are the ones that will helpyou through this, but you need
to be driving this yourself.
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And you hear us talk about this.
If you have been on any of ourcalls at any time, you are the
one that is leading thisprocess.
So even if you are the one thatis served, you are going to have
to take control of your part ofthis process and move it in the
direction that you need and wantit to go.
So read the line of papers,start getting your stuff in a
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pile and get yourself educatedand up to speed on what's going
on.
That was number two.
Number three is do not run outand hire an attorney
immediately.
That is what we're taught to do.
That is because the system iscreated by attorneys and it is
adjudicated by attorneys, andattorneys control the whole
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system.
Do not go out and just hire anattorney right away.
There is so much more that youneed to do.
Now, I'm I'm assuming if, andthe assumption of this episode
is that if you are being servedpapers and you are surprised by
this, that is not probablyamicable, or at least there's at
(09:25):
the at the very least, there's abreakdown in communications or
respect or both, in being ableto uh to move this process uh
along in an amicable way.
But that doesn't mean that youcan't move it along in an
amicable way.
So there are other ways in whichyou can you can facilitate this
(09:49):
to together, even if you areserved.
There's many circumstances.
See, here's the thing is we justdon't know what necessarily we
might think, but we don't alwaysknow.
And we definitely going throughthis process, don't necessarily
know what is going on and whatthe thought process is with your
soon-to-be ex.
(10:09):
So what you can only do and whatyou can only control is what you
are yeah, what what you'rethinking and what you're doing.
So on this note, by not hiringan attorney first thing, what
you do need to start doing isput your divorce team together.
So you need to, you need to, youneed to put your team together.
(10:31):
You that includes, and if youare going to hire somebody
first, I would say a divorcecoach.
It's absolutely critical.
You're gonna create your divorceteam with your attorney and your
therapist and your financialplanner, your your certified
divorce real estate agent, yourcertified divorce real estate
lender, uh mortgage lender, andyour uh certified divorce uh
(10:54):
financial analyst.
Like you need all of thosepeople on your team.
Yes, an attorney is going to bean important person, like your
quarterback, but it the theydon't run the entire program
because there are so manydifferent things that need to go
into this and considerations youneed to make in this process.
So, what a divorce coach willhelp you to do is to create that
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plan, strategize your actions,figure out what you need to be
doing, all this stuff, not onlyjust logistically, but also
mentally and emotionally.
So if there is someone personyou're gonna talk to first, I
would say talk to a divorcecoach.
Any divorce coach, I've neverheard any of the guys in the
community, whether they'veworked with me or another
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divorce coach, ever say, hey,that was not worthwhile.
At least sitting down andtalking and get some clarity
around what it is I uh I need todo.
And then you're gonna startputting that team together and
and interviewing and talking tothem, just like you would for
any uh big project, home projector building or anything you're
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gonna do, you're gonna beputting your divorce team
together.
Again, you've got some timeframe, you've got a little bit
of time.
Typically, it's a few weeks touh to a month to respond to that
to that initial being served.
So you've got a little bit oftime, not a lot of time, so you
can't bury your head, but youcan take that 24 hours, get your
emotions in check, read overeverything, take a few days, and
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then start working on puttingyour team together in order then
to create uh an action plan.
So that's number three.
Do not go out and hire anattorney immediately.
There are other there are otheroptions that that you can that
you can take, like hiring adivorce coach, but also there
might be other options thatmaybe you guys would do a
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collaborative divorce or youmight be able to work that
process.
So that's it.
That's all I'll say about that.
Just do not go do what everybodydoes, which is go grab grab an
attorney right away.
Number four, protect yourrelationship with your kids.
So again, we're working off theassumption that perhaps this is
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not there's a breakdown ofcommunication at the least, at
the worst, that it's going to behigh conflict and that that
there's going to be somesignificant challenges and a
long road to hoe.
The first thing you need to dois you you need to have some
communication with your kiddosand let them know that you love
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them and that that's never goingto change and that this is not
their fault.
So if that hopefully, hopefullythat communication can come from
the two of you together withthem, but if not, as their
father, make sure to make thatclear to them and have that
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conversation with them so thatthey know because they're going
gonna go through their whole ownprocess through this that that
is going to be difficult andchallenging for them as well.
And in that vein of protectingyour relationship with your
kids, so you need to continue tokeep being present.
Yeah, and and I'm sure if you'relistening to this, you are a
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present father.
Now, you might need to make somealterations to protect that
relationship.
You need to continue to befollowing school routines or
being involved in school andtheir activities.
If you haven't been, you need tostart to be.
Now that might mean making someadjustments because if you've
had a splitting of duties, whichis oftentimes the the way that a
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family dynamic works, thenyou're gonna need to start
getting more involved, learningyour teachers, your kids'
teachers' names, going todoctor's appointments, staying
consistent with all of thisstuff.
Because what the court is gonnapay attention to is your role as
a parent and what that lookslike right now.
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Not now there are someconsiderations, particularly if
you're the the breadwinner andthe the the your wife has been a
stay-at-home and taking care ofmost of those things, but you
need to make those changes uhimmediately uh in order to stay
present, to be involved.
And frankly, the sooner that youdo this, the better, because
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eventually you're going to bedoing this on your own as a
single father with children.
So lots of guys avoid this, lotsof guys get worried about it,
which is understandable if it'snot a role that you've been
playing.
But the sooner that you jumpinto this, the sooner you
embrace it, the better it'sgonna be for you in the
courties, but also for youpost-divorce because this is
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gonna be your life, whether ornot you like it or not,
post-divorce.
So that's number four.
Protect your relationship withyour kids.
Number five is get yourfinancial house in order.
Oftentimes you might not havegreat documentation of
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everything.
You're going to have to discloseeverything.
And this is gonna the divorce isis going to do that, and then
you're gonna have to divide yourfinances.
So you're gonna need to have aclear picture of what's going
on.
So if you don't, if you're notthe one in your household that
is in in charge of that, or ifyou've been only passively
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involved in that, you're gonnahave to start gathering pay
stubs and get tax returns andbank statements and retirement
accounts and mortgage documentsand credit card bills, and then
there will be a whole financialdisclosure that you will get
from your attorney.
But again, the sooner that youget on top of this, and the
sooner you start gathering thisstuff, you can make lists of all
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your assets and your debts, andthen if if and and then you can
look at from holistically whatit is that is in the in the
filing that you are served withcompared to what you've got.
This is often oftentimes, likealmost all of the time, one of
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the things where couples arelike in disagreement about
because there's it and it'susually because one or the other
party has simply not a realisticpicture of existing finances and
or not a realistic expectationof what is going to happen
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post-divorce and what that's andand and what life is going to be
like in your in your livingcircumstances are going to look
like post-divorce.
So once once that reality setsin is really then oftentimes
where there is a lot of a lot ofconflict and difficulty and
challenges because one of theparties is coming to the
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realization that, oh geez, thisisn't what I expected or what I
anticipated.
Oftentimes, guys know going in.
It's just a simple mathequation.
One household into two meansthat there's going to be more
bills and it's going to be afurther strain on your finances,
especially if you have oneincome and your lifestyle is
going to be different and isgoing to change.
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So make sure that you geteverything together, get all
your financial information alltogether in one place, so that
there are no questions.
It can be done amicably.
It's supposed to be set up sothat it's amicable.
It's not always.
And usually when there's asevere circumstance where it's
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not, it's because one or theother party has not been able to
demonstrate effectively reallythe situation of the finances.
So don't get yourself in thatsituation.
Do not ignore it.
Get on top of it right away.
That's number five.
Get your financial house inorder.
Number six is do not move out.
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Okay.
Lots of times dads will makethis mistake in order to just
quote unquote keep the peace.
Now that might be fair, it mightbe demanded of you, but that is
not a great way to go about itunless there's going to be super
huge conflict and that there'sgoing to be essentially problems
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with in the future because therewill be allegations or false
allegations or criminal chargesor fights and stuff like that
that are going to lead to thosethings.
So don't move out.
Talk to your coach, talk to yourattorney first.
You want to make sure thatyou've got everything in order,
separation agreement, ortemporary orders in order before
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you do this, because you want tohave a structure and it this
also impacts the kids.
So if you just willy-nilly moveout or it's being demanded of
you, don't do it because youwant to try to do this in a in a
in a in a logical, as smooth aspossible process.
And also then you will you won'tyou lose access to lots of
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things.
You lose access potentially tothe financial records that
you're going to need, but youalso lose access to your kiddos,
especially if somebody is goingto want to start the process of
alienation or withholding orsome other nefarious things that
they might be doing where you'renot around and don't have the
(20:27):
ability to mitigate some ofthat.
So until you've got everythingin order, there's a clear and
defined plan of what things aregoing to look like, at least in
the short term, with theseparation agreement for some
temporary orders.
Do not move out unless it is anemergency situation and you know
that this is just going to blowup and lead to something worse.
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So avoid moving out too soon.
That is number six.
Number seven is keepcommunications calm and document
everything.
So there's the the BIF methodthat you're going to implement
from here on out from here onout.
And you need to keep in mindthat everything from here on out
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is something that can be used incourt, whether for you or
against you.
So everything, the BIF method ismake it brief, informative,
friendly, and always friendlyand I'll remember a second.
I want to say factual usually,but that's the inform in
informative one.
But oh brief, brief,informative, friendly, and I
(21:41):
can't remember, sorry.
But so the the point being is isthat it's it's going to just
keep those exchanges where it'sfactual and polite.
You want you don't want uh longemotional uh conversations,
definitely no threats, noinsults, because this again is
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you know you need to be figuringout a way through this process
that's going to be mosteffective and best for your
family.
That's not gonna help.
It might be the feelings thatare coming up again.
You're gonna have to do somework on those feelings and
figuring out how to mitigatethose.
Now, documenting everything alsothrough this because the process
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because, like I said, everythingat the from here on out is is
potentially something that isgonna be brought up in court
that can be used for or againstyou.
So you need to have yourdocumentation in place.
You need to start documentingeverything.
So all of these communications,and I suggest communicating in
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writing in email, or start usingsomething like Talking Parents
or Our Family Wizard that helpsyou to just put those put those
communications in in writing sothat you can keep track of them
because there's going to be somany moving parts between the
finances, between the parentingtime, between having to deal
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with attorneys and your regularlife of work and children and
everything else, and then all ofyour emotions.
So make sure you create somesort of system so that you can
document everything and you cankeep those communications calm
and calm and respectful.
So that's number seven.
Keep communications calm anddocument everything.
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Number eight is don't post aboutyour divorce online.
Now, I just threw this in here.
I didn't think I should put thatI should have to put this in
here.
And I'm sure if you're listeningto this and you're trying to
figure out a good way to getthrough this, this probably
doesn't apply to you, but I'mgoing to say it anyway, because
this has become a big, a bigthing in court where attorneys
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uh and judges will look at thisthis stuff, particularly
opposing counsels will look atthis stuff and scour through
divorces.
Don't don't live your your lifeand your divorce on on social
media.
So just avoid it.
If and if if you can, getcompletely off it.
There's nothing in this timeframe, whatever nine months to a
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year or even or longer if ifyou've got high conflict that
you're going to miss on socialmedia.
And and the only thing it canpossibly do is make things worse
for you.
And that's even looking at youryour soon-to-be exes or your
friends or anything.
It's just none of it's going tohelp.
So do not post on social media.
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If you can, just get the heckoff of it for the time being.
You can always resume back afterthings has settled down.
I didn't think I was going tosay that, but I'm just going to
say it because I see ithappening once uh once in a
while.
You know, cut out the socialmedia.
The next one, number nine, isincredibly important.
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Uh, and it is prioritizing youryour health, your mental,
emotional, physical, andspiritual help.
So this is always ranked as oneof the most stressful things
that people go through in life.
So that's going to bechallenging.
And you're going to have to beable to stay level-headed to get
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through this, to be present foryour kiddos, to be able to keep
everything going at the sametime and figure this out.
So make sure that if you are notin some sort of therapy or
counseling, that you have somesort of support group that
you're involved in, make surethat you're you're getting
enough exercise.
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If you have not been exercising,start an exercise routine.
Make that it can be as simple aswalks.
Do you just want to get that ina good place spiritually as
well?
Whatever that practice might befor you.
For some, it might be going backto church.
For some, it might be findingsome spiritual practice.
For some, it might be in nature.
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Whatever that spiritual practiceis that helps you connect with
something bigger and greaterthan the situation that you're
in, get involved with it andfind something that you can do
regularly.
And that's the key withprioritizing your health.
So it's the you hear us talkabout it all the time, it's the
you got to put the oxygen maskon yourself before you can put
it on somebody else.
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So you're not going to be ableto be present with your kiddos.
You're not going to be able tomake really good decisions for
your life post-divorce if youdon't have your mental life in
good shape and you're not takingcare of it and prioritizing it,
your emotional health if you'renot doing that, your physical
health, if you're not takingcare of that, your spiritual
health.
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So some of this stuff, some ofthis stuff, you're going to have
to, you'll have to start doingsomething, whereas you may have
let that fall by the wayside.
So this is the time to do it andstart.
If you have to, you can startsmall, just start small and work
your way up, but do something toprioritize your mental health,
mental emotional, not your justyour mental health, but your
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health in general, your mental,emotional, physical, and
spiritual.
Those are the four legs, if youwill, on a stool or the four
pillars we talk about in thecommunity all the time: mental,
emotional, physical, andspiritual.
Make sure that you areprioritizing those.
And I'll just say lots of times,us dads, especially if we're
maybe the givers all the time orwe're codependent or empathetic
(27:32):
or whatever it might be, we'renot used to prioritizing
ourselves.
Start now.
You're going to have to do it.
And you don't want to keepcontinue that that relational
dynamic.
And when I say relationaldynamic, this is a relation with
yourself that you've had in thepast that has led potentially to
why you're in a divorce now.
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So you're going to want to startmaking those changes as soon as
possible.
So if you have not prioritizedyour health in those four areas
until now, or you've fallen off,get back to doing it.
So that's number nine.
Prioritize your health.
And 10 is our final one isyou're planning for the long
game.
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You're planning for the worstand you're hoping for the best.
These first days and weeks aregoing to be really about
stabilizing yourself.
Stabilizing yourself mentallyand emotionally, and then
creating a strategy for what itis that you want custody to look
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like, your finances to looklike, and what you want your
life to look like after divorce.
When I start working with guys,that's when we start really
looking at creating a vision,creating what you want as a
parenting plan and what yourwork's going to look like and
your schedule, your kids, whatyour budget's going to be
looking like, roadmap forco-parenting, how you're going
(28:57):
to split the your assets, etcetera.
So this is then what's going tohappen.
Oftentimes I'll tell guys,you're going to really need to
think about this as a part-timejob that you have while you're
working, because there is somuch that goes into it.
And when I talk about this, Imean so much like taking care of
your mental health.
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You need to be prioritizing allthis stuff.
So you need to be thinking aboutthis all the time, not just the
divorce.
You need to think about how I'mtaking care of myself so that I
can be taking care of thosethings.
And you're going to be going tobe answering your attorney's
questions.
You're going to be gettingfinancial disclosures together.
You're going to be writingemails.
You're going to be creatingco-parenting plans.
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You're going to be doing allthat while you're still working
and maybe having some sort ofsocial life as well, hopefully.
So, so make sure that yourmindset is in the in that this
is going to be a long game.
So don't worry about what mighthappen or maybe some setbacks.
(30:00):
That might happen in thebeginning, or one part of it.
There's there's if it is highconflict, hopefully it's not.
It's a series of maybe a littlesome small battles that you're
going to be going through, butreally you're focused on the
long-term outcome.
And that long-term outcome, andthis was the biggest mistake
that I made, that long-termoutcome makes the has the
(30:23):
biggest impact on what your lifeis going to look like
post-divorce.
So if you get yourself worn downand worn out and you cannot get
to the to the end, then you'regoing to set yourself up for
failure post-divorce.
So you've got to be playing forthe long game and you've got to
be thinking in that context.
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So that's and that's why it'sreally critical to start
prioritizing your health becauseyou can't do that if you're not
mentally, emotionally,physically, spiritually sound,
the four stools of the leg.
One of those gets off, it getswobbly.
Two of them gets off, it fallsover, right?
So make sure that you'refocusing on that and that you're
thinking about this for the longrun.
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And the long run isn't just toget through the divorce.
See, this is the this is thechallenge that I have with
attorneys all the time, is theirfocus is, well, we're just going
to get it, if we just get themdivorced, it's it's it's good,
right?
How you get divorced and whatyou're how you're set up
post-divorce is what's going tohave an even greater impact on
yourself, but also your childrenfor maybe a couple of decades,
(31:30):
depending on how long yourkiddos are.
So just don't try to get throughthis.
You want to make sure thatyou're getting this, you're
playing the long game fordecades, because the whole goal
of our of us being parents ishelping our children to grow up
to be healthy, functioningadults.
And I know you won't be able tomaybe grasp this, get your mind
around this, but we can bemodeling for our kiddos through
(31:54):
this.
One of the most stressfulthings, like I said, that that
most people go through isdivorce.
We can be modeling for them away to do that in a positive
manner and with resiliency.
So you can do that, and that'sthe long game, right?
So that's the real, real longgame is we want to be able to
model the best possible way forour kiddos so that helps them to
(32:17):
learn so that when they gothrough something difficult and
challenging and stressful intheir life, they're gonna
they're gonna think back to wow,I saw my dad go through this,
and my dad did just this amazingjob.
And so I know that I can getthrough this too.
All right.
The last word is this is thebeing served is potentially a
(32:38):
shock.
It's gonna be difficult andchallenging, but it doesn't
define you.
This is just a start of a newphase, and you can you can you
can navigate this with strengthand with strategy.
And I found that the the dadswho come out okay aren't
necessarily aren't necessarilythe ones that that fight the
(32:58):
hardest, although I'll say thatyou need to be you need to
potentially standing up for whatit is that that your kiddos need
and for the environment you needpost-divorce.
So there is some fight in that.
But but you're not the the dadsthat come out positively on this
aren't the ones that are justfight, fight, fighting, but
(33:19):
they're the ones that stay thecalmest, get the most informed,
and the ones that uh act smartand strategically from day one.
So that's it.
Stay calm, get informed, and besmart and strategic from day
one.
Okay, I hope that you found somevalue in what we talked about
(33:40):
today in what to do when you arebeing after being served divorce
papers.
If you did, please share thisfar and wide on social media.
Stop, give us a star ratingwherever you're listening to
this, even better, give us acomment that uh will help other
dads be drawn to listening tosome of our episodes.
(34:03):
Thank you so much.
Have a terrific week and Godbless.