Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:15):
Hello and welcome to
the Divorced Dadvocate, divorce
support for dads, where we helpdads create a healthy and less
traumatic divorce.
My name is Jude Sandval, and I'myour host.
I created this podcast in theDivorced Dadvocate community as
a result of my own high conflictdivorce, and because you as a
(00:35):
dad deserve all the resourcesnecessary to thrive through this
challenging time.
I encourage you to check out ourwebsite at
thedivorcedadvocate.com, wherethere are resources that
correspond to this episode, aswell as free access to our
membership community, where youwill find live meetings, free
workshops and courses, privatediscussion groups, and more.
(00:58):
And now on to this week'sepisode.
Hello and welcome to the show.
I sincerely appreciate you beinghere today for our topic of Dads
Matter Authoritative Parenting.
So that is the topic we're goingto be discussing today.
(01:20):
Actually, I'm going to be citingspecifically from this fantastic
article from Gwen Dewar, TheAuthoritative Parenting Style,
an Evidence-Based Guide.
This is just an awesome, awesomearticle in parenting science.
You can find it online atparenting science.
Again, it's called theAuthoritative Parenting Style,
(01:42):
an Evidence-Based Guide by GwenDeWar.
Now, the well, before I get intothe stimulus for this podcast
episode subject, let me justwelcome some new members to the
community.
It's been an awesome last coupleof weeks with lots of lots of
people getting involved, lots ofguys jumping in and just
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and Sean, welcome to thecommunity.
If you uh haven't checked it outyet, check out the
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involved, get to be a part ofthe community in getting
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involved with our groupmeetings.
We've got the app, it's got allkinds of self-help in there.
One of the things you're goingto hear us talk about in our
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The app is something that isreally great around that, has
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Working on all that stuff andhelping you through that, the
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In addition to a bunch of otherthings that that you have access
(03:10):
to, including this podcast andthe extended version of this
podcast, which is going to be along one today.
We're gonna get into some veryspecific detail around
authoritarian authoritativeparenting and why it's
incredibly helpful.
So, anyway, check out the app,take the divorce quiz, see where
you're at at the website atthedivorced advocate.com, see
(03:31):
where you're at in relation toother people who have gone
through divorce.
It'll give you some immediateresults and see what you're
doing well and also what youmight need to be working on.
So, check out all thatinformation and always feel free
to reach out and connect with medirectly.
All right, so last month,sometime we we had a group
meeting, and one of theindividuals in our group meeting
(03:53):
had an experience in court wherethey told him that his that his
that his parenting style, his isauthoritarian, well, they
described it as authoritarian,but I would I would argue that
it was more author moreauthoritative than
authoritarian, was a detrimentto his kids.
(04:14):
And and this, unfortunately,this gentleman's literally had
his kids mostly taken away fromhim, which is an absolute
tragedy.
Friends, if you don't know it,and nobody's told you this
recently, there is nothing moreimportant to your children and
in their lives than having yourinvolvement in it.
There's studies and science andevidence and everything else
(04:36):
that's that that supports this,but it's not a common theme that
we hear in our society.
We hear dads are more like HomerSimpson and Fred Griffith than
dads are of the old uh leave itto beaver and father knows best.
So that's why I'm on this kickrecently as well as I just had
my own CFI uh investigation comeback with some absolutely
(04:59):
ludicrous commentary about thisthis same topic of authoritative
parenting.
And so we're gonna do a deepdive into this today.
And this I I've been researchingthis for uh at least two weeks
now, and this is the bestarticle I've had that I've found
that can just completely andentirely uh explain to you what
(05:22):
the authoritarian authoritativeparenting style is.
Now, the reason I bring this upis because fathers, dads, as it
as is our just general nature.
We provide this part ofparenting in a parenting
(05:42):
dynamic, if there is a fatherand a mother involved in a
child's life.
And now, this is ageneralization, yes, but it is
the most common generalizationin a father, mother
relationship, male, femalerelationship with their
children.
We the the the dads, the men areoftentimes the ones that are
(06:05):
bringing this authoritativeparenting style.
And now it doesn't mean thatwomen can't do it either, and
both should be working to bringthis because it has different
components to it that are very,very important that men and
women probably have somedifferent strengths around that.
If we want to look to somebodyelse, now I know that's not
(06:27):
happening right now, probably inyour life because you're going
through a divorce, but I wantyou to be aware of this dynamic
and why it is important and whatyour what your wife or maybe
soon to be ex or ex can alsobring if they are uh parenting
in this healthy manner andlifestyle.
But what I also want to pointout to you is that this healthy
(06:49):
way in which it may be morenatural for you in authoritarian
authoritative parenting style isbeing diminished in our society
in general.
And it's more of a permissiveparenting style where you know
it's just the feelings of thekids and what the kids want and
how you feel about this and howyou express yourself and all
that, which is if you I don't ifyou're if you're awake, if
(07:12):
you're looking around and see isdoing an immense amount of harm
to our children.
So I want you to be aware ofwhat this authoritative
parenting style is, how itmanifests, how it can also be a
detriment if it becomesauthoritarian, which probably as
uh as men and dads, we mightlean towards sometimes,
(07:34):
especially if we get to be lowenergy, we're not taking care of
ourselves, and we just revert touh bad habits.
So on that, uh on that note,listen up, get comfortable, and
uh let's dive into this.
What is authoritative parenting?
The authoritative parentingstyle is an approach to child
rearing, child rearing thatcombines warmth, sensitivity,
(07:58):
and the setting of limits.
Parents use positivereinforcement and reasoning to
guide children.
They avoid resorting to threatsor punishment.
Okay, so if you've listened toenough episodes and listened to
me talk, or you've been in groupmeetings with me or individual
coaching, you've heard me talkabout a parenting style, a
(08:20):
parenting philosophy called loveand logic.
That is setting, giving kidslots of choices and uh
approaching any mistakes thatthey have and that they make
with empathy, setting boundariesand in giving the opportunity to
be their own person and maketheir own mistakes and learn
(08:41):
from those mistakes themselves.
So this is the the the bestauthoritative parenting program
that I have found that is outthere.
I practice it with my daughterssince they were very, very
young, and it is absolutelyamazing.
I continue to go back, Icontinue to learn.
Obviously, as you know, ifyou've been a parent for any
(09:04):
period of time greater than aday or two, you learn over and
over and over every day.
I go back, I take classes, I goback, I read more about it, I go
back, I look and see what it isI did well and what it is I did
poorly, and I try to improveupon that all the time.
But it is a structured way.
And for me, as a guy, I needsomething that is a guide that
(09:28):
helps me with structure in howto go about doing it.
And the love and logic classeshave been absolutely fantastic,
and the philosophy hasabsolutely been fantastic for
me, and I believe with with mydaughters as well.
And so let's let me give youjust an example of what
authoritative parenting is.
(09:49):
So kids raised by authoritativeparents are more likely to
become independent,self-reliant, socially accepted,
academically successful, andwell behave.
And they're also less likely toreport depression and anxiety
and less likely to engage inantisocial behavior like
delinquency and drug use.
Research suggests that having atleast one authoritative parent
(10:13):
can make a big difference.
And this is the point that Iwant to start with and gonna
drive home throughout the restof our talk here today is that
that is what fathers bring tothe equation in parenting, is
this authoritative mindsetaround raising the kids.
Okay, so that is why it'sincredibly important for you to
(10:37):
uh understand when you're beingtold by therapist, family court,
lawyers, anybody else that, oh,well, maybe just let this slide,
or oh, maybe you're being toohard on them, or this or that.
Okay.
This is not necessarily true.
How you do it, and the devil'sin the details, obviously, but
(10:57):
please stick to your guns andknow that that is important that
you as a father bring thisauthoritative parenting style to
the table, to your children'slives, is incredibly, incredibly
helpful.
Okay.
Let's let's talk about the thebackground around this.
So it's not a this is not a newconcept.
(11:17):
This is started in the 60s by bya woman called Diane Baumrind,
and her she was justresearching, actually, uh trying
to find why the the why parentsattempted to control their kids.
And so what she uh what shefound were three major ways in
which parents approachcontrolling their kids.
(11:38):
One was permissive parents,those are warm and responsive,
but reluctant to impose rules orstandards, and they preferred to
let their kids regulatethemselves.
The other one was authoritarianparents who show less warmth and
sensitivity and insist on blindobedience.
They attempt to enforcecompliance through punishments,
(11:58):
threats, and psychologicalcontrol.
Think of a drill sergeant,right?
Jill drill sergeant, you mustcomply at all costs or the
punishment will be severe,right?
And then the third one wasauthoritative parents who are
warm and responsive, likepermissive parents, but where
permissive parents shrink awayfrom enforcing standards,
(12:19):
authoritative parents embraceit.
They expect maturity andcooperation as much as a as much
as is appropriate for a child'sdevelopmental level, and they
try to guide behavior byreasoning with their kids.
So in substance in substance, uhin substance subsequent studies,
(12:39):
researchers also recognize theforced style, sometimes called
neglectful parenting, which isbasically when none of that
exists.
There's no uh there's no warmth,there's no enforced standards,
etc.
And some of you like myselfexperienced that as well, which
is basically the worst of allworlds, really.
(13:02):
Stay with us.
We'll be right back.
Hi, fellas.
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Thanks, fellas.
See you on the other side.
So, which parenting style isassociated with the best
outcomes?
There's overwhelming evidencethat kids need parental warmth
to thrive, right?
You cannot just just be thediscipline and just have
(14:28):
discipline and have drillsergeants.
Otherwise, we just have drillsergeants raising our kids, and
then you know what that wouldyou that would be horrible.
Nurturing responsive parentingleads to a better emotional,
cognitive, and behavioraloutcomes.
So the parenting styles thatfeature warm and responsiveness,
authoritative and permissiveparenting are better overall
(14:51):
than the remaining alternatives.
Now, there's there's alsoevidence favoring authoritative
parenting as the best style.
For example, when it comes toreducing sibling conflicts, now
I'm going to be quoting a bunchfrom this article here where she
she backs all of this with thestudies that she makes these
(15:13):
statements from.
So check out the article forsure at Parenting Science called
the Authoritative ParentingStyle and Evidence-Based Guide
by Gwen Duar.
So she says, for example, whenit comes to reducing sibling
conflict, authoritative approachmight be the only effective
option.
And the cross-cultural trendobserved in most studies is that
(15:34):
authoritative parenting islinked with better academic
performance.
So are there any complicationsor controversies?
Absolutely.
The effects of parenting styleare partly influenced by
culture.
And a group of researchers inSpain, I've argued that
permissive or indulgentparenting is better than
authoritative parenting forchildren's emotional well-being.
(15:56):
So there is this argument outthere, and some of the this
you'll you might be hearing inthe social emotional learning
and some of the other stuffthat's going into it's going on
in schools and in our societythat being permissive and
indulgent is better because ithelps their emotional
well-being.
It might help their attachmentstyle and becoming a healthy
(16:21):
attachment.
Well, what is the one?
I can't remember the theattachment style, but it's the
one where they're they'rehealthy, attached, and but we're
but I'm gonna, I'm gonna talklater about why the
authoritative is better.
And and she does quote whythere's a healthier attachment
(16:41):
style outcome when there isauthoritarian authoritative
parenting as opposed to thispermissive or indulgence
parenting.
So just know that there it isout there in in in in if
basically it feels like, atleast to me and my observation,
that anything that isauthoritarian authoritative
(17:05):
seems to be like being pushedagainst right now.
That there's this wholementality and philosophy around
chaos and less order and andless authoritarianism.
Not that authoritarianismobviously is good, but being
authoritative and having thatauthoritative mindset is
definitely good.
Okay, so enough about my soapopera or so my soapbox.
(17:28):
So, what's the key differencebetween authoritative parenting
and permissive parenting?
There is one specific thing thatis the difference, and that is
limit setting.
Permissive parents andauthoritative parents share an
approach that is responsive,nurturing, and involved.
Okay, the difference isauthoritarian is like the drill
(17:49):
sergeant.
Authoritative is that you stillhave that warmth and that
naturing, nurturing andphilosophy and empathy with the
kids, but you are settinglimits.
So both show respect forchildren as independent beings,
but unlike permissive parents,authoritative parents don't let
their kids get away with badbehavior.
(18:12):
Now that is key.
That is absolutely positivelykey.
Authoritative parents don't lettheir kids get away with bad
behavior.
Authoritative parents take atake a firm stand, insisting
that their kids behaveresponsibly.
Let me say that again.
Authoritative parents take afirm stand insisting that their
(18:32):
kids uh that their kids behaveresponsibly.
Now, uh man, I don't know aboutyou, but this is a struggle with
me and with with with I don'twant to say a struggle for me,
but a struggle in my in in how Iview what's going on in our
(18:53):
society today and how we areviewed as fathers in making sure
that we take a firm stand,insisting that our kids behave
responsibly.
And I see it showing up inschooling and kids at school,
and how my kids show up atschool, and how the kids are
expected to behave responsiblyat school, or at least what I'm
(19:16):
viewing is not behaveresponsibly.
And so this is incredibly,incredibly important because I
feel like the lines are gettingblurred and taking that firm
stand, oftentimes, dads, for usis then being misconstrued as
authoritative.
Okay.
And so this was part of what Idescribed in the beginning with
(19:38):
this uh gentleman in our group,in our group call that is being
absolutely decimated because heis taking firm stands around for
children, his children showingup and behaving responsibly.
And and these lines are beingblurred, in my estimation, on
purpose, in order to be usedagainst the dads and fathers.
(20:00):
So taking this firm stand isimportant that they that they do
that they do show upresponsibly.
And so, what's the keydifference between authoritative
and authoritarian parenting?
It's all about the exercise ofpower.
This is the big key difference.
Think of the authoritarianparent as a drill sergeant, like
I said earlier.
(20:20):
Do it now or else, right?
The drill sergeant tries to gethis way through threats or
coercion.
So I don't know about you, but Idon't see that as pervasive
anymore.
That is maybe our father'sgeneration, or maybe even our
father's father's generation, inhow that may have shown up.
(20:41):
And so I I don't see this withlots of dads.
And I would venture to say ifyou're listening right now and
you're thinking about the thingsthat you're thinking about going
through your divorce and beingconcerned about the kids in life
and how life is going to show uplater, or how life is going to
be and how you're gonna be ableto show up in that for your kids
later after divorce, that that'sprobably not the the way that
(21:05):
that you act on a regular basis.
Now, look, I've been guilty ofthat in, like I said, low energy
moments or where emotions getthe best of me, and that's okay.
And you know, even if that ishow you uh tend to show up,
guys, that is okay also.
You can learn to be better,okay?
But so let me tell you what thecontrast is.
The authoritative parent aims toinspire cooperation by fostering
(21:30):
positive feelings and teachingkids the reasons for the rules.
Authoritative parentscommunicate lots of warmth to
their kids, they avoid usingharsh, harsh or arbitrary
punishments.
Now, that doesn't mean that thata that a punishment shouldn't be
shouldn't be severe or somethinglike that something gets taken
(21:53):
away, or that an activity getstaken away, or something like
that.
It just means that it's notharsh, that it's not punitive,
and that it's just not out ofthe blue, that you just make
something up.
So they are less they are lesslikely, authoritative parents
are less likely to shame theirkids or attempt to control kids
by withdrawing love.
And that's a huge one, too,right?
(22:15):
We never ever want them to feellike they are not loved.
We unconditionally love them,and that is part of what love
and logic always teaches them.
That they teach us is that theyare unconditionally loved, that
we are always giving themunconditional love.
And that's where that empathyand that's that that warmth
comes in as well.
If they know that there's warmthand you're communicating that
(22:37):
they still know that they'reloved, they may not like what's
going on, but they will alwaysknow that they're loved.
So never withdrawing love.
Also, authoritative parents,when they make mistakes or
misbehave, they are when theirchildren make mistakes or
misbehave, they talk with themabout it, they listen to their
children's concerns and takethem into account.
(22:58):
They help kids figure out whatweren't wrong and explain the
consequences of good and badbehavior.
So while they havesimilar-looking names,
authoritative and authoritarian,the big difference between
authoritative and authority,there is a big difference
between authoritative andauthoritarian parenting.
Authoritative parents aren'tjust trying to enforce
(23:20):
compliance, they recognize andencourage a child's child's
sense of autonomy, and they wantkids to develop self-discipline,
maturity, and respect forothers, and they approach these
goals by offering concreteadvice and emotional support.
So, in summation here, someresearchers have described it
(23:43):
this way, and I think this is agreat, great definition.
Authoritative parents are highlydemanding, but they are also
very responsive to theirchildren's needs.
I would, I would, I would say,if you're listening to this,
that probably describes you as adad.
Authoritative parents are highlydemanding, but they are very
(24:05):
responsive to their children'sneeds.
It means that we have and we sethigh expectations for our
children, but we are alsolistening to them, trying to
understand them, and assistingthem in meeting what those
standards are.
And so there is nothing wrong.
And man, I I'm trying to to stayaway from my riffing on society
(24:30):
here, but I feel like this ispart of what we're having
challenges right now is settingthose standards, right?
Having high, high demands andstandards for our children in
and expecting them to meetthose.
There's this thing that thatthat children will live up to
the standards and beliefs thatyou have for them.
(24:51):
I don't feel like that ishappening oftentimes.
And actually, and and and thenwe get into what we get in now
where we're being bombarded fromanother side, from another
parent who thinks that we're toostrict or too or too
controlling, right?
Because their experience with usis that we're controlling them
or whatever.
And I'm talking about our exes,right?
(25:13):
And that we're trying to do thatwith with our kids as well.
Expecting or demanding uh andhaving high expectations for our
kids doesn't mean that we can'tbe responsive to their needs and
talk with them about it.
Okay, so just know that if thisdescribes you, it is okay.
(25:33):
You can have high expectationsand demand.
The kids are working towards andtrying to meet those
expectations, but still be veryresponsive to their needs.
Okay, so that's the classicdefinition of the authoritative
parenting style.
There's an important variation,particularly when it comes to
how much of a vote children getduring family decision making.
(25:59):
Okay, so now we're gonna getinto let's get into the the
different ways that this canmanifest, or the different ways,
because not every authoritativeparent runs his or her family
the same way.
And so there's some differentdistinctions, and we're gonna
talk a little bit now about thatand how you practice
authoritative parenting.
And they go into some reallyinteresting specific stuff
(26:20):
cross-culturally,cross-culturally as well.
So let's talk about this.
It's one thing to read adefinition, another put it in
practice, obviously.
How can you tell if you'reacting like an authoritative
parent?
So, researches all all the timewhen they want to figure
something out, right?
They put down, they put togethera standard questionnaire.
So, this has done been done morethan one time with authoritarian
(26:44):
authoritative parenting.
Here are some statements thatauthoritative parents will tend
to agree with if they areauthoritative parents or
practicing authoritativeparenting.
I take my child's wishes andfeelings into consideration
(27:04):
before I ask her or him to dosomething.
I encourage my child to talkabout his or her feelings.
I try to help my child when theyare scared or upset.
I provide my child with reasonsfor the expectations I have for
him or her.
(27:24):
I respect my child's opinion andencourage him or her to express
them, even if they are differentfrom my own.
So that those are statementsthat authoritative parents would
tend to agree with.
Uh, parents are judged to beless authoritative if they agree
with these statements.
I ignore my child's misbehavior.
(27:47):
I bribe my child to get him tocomply with my wishes.
I explode in anger toward mychild.
I punish my child by withdrawingaffection.
So these are just a small sampleof the kinds of items that
appear on those thosequestionnaires.
(28:08):
Now, you don't have to tick allthe right the boxes, but just an
over given an overall score ifyou agree with one or the other,
it's going to give you kind ofkind of an idea whether you are
an authoritative parent or youare not.
But there's also one universallyaccepted listness test.
And for instance, the statementsabove might make it seem that
(28:31):
you have that you have to runyour family like a mini
democracy in order to beauthoritative, but that's not
the case.
Or maybe you're wondering aboutwhich rules you are supposed to
impose.
Keep your room clean, don't playvideo games after until after
you finish your homework.
Depending on your priorities andbeliefs and an assessment of
your child's maturity level, youmay think these are important
(28:53):
rules, or you might not.
But as we're gonna as we'regonna talk about the classic
definition of authoritativeparenting, allows for variations
in these areas, and thedifferent researchers have used
different screening tools todecide who's authority uh
authoritative.
For example, we we talked aboutthe researchers working in Spain
who have scored parents asauthoritative if they agree with
(29:16):
the statements.
I insist that my child doexactly what they are told or
make greater use of punishmentto control behavior.
Does this match up with whatmost parents parenting experts
mean when they talk aboutauthoritative parents?
Probably, or authoritativeparenting, probably not.
So, does authoritative parentinglook the same in every family?
(29:37):
Not necessarily.
So they found in the US andAustralia, authoritative parents
were very likely to emphasizecertain democra democratic
practices like taking a child'spreferences into account when
making family plans orencouraging a child to express
his or her own opinions.
But in China and Russia,authoritative parents.
(30:00):
didn't take their child, theirchildren's preferences into
account when making familyplans.
And most authoritative parentsfrom China didn't encourage kids
to voice their own opinions, notif those opinions were in
conflict with a parent's view.
So this is very, veryinteresting.
So what then did authoritativeparents have in common across
(30:22):
all four countries?
They shared a similar approachto discipline.
What was that approach todiscipline?
When their children misbehave,they talked with them and
explained the reasons for therules.
I'll say that again.com andbecome a member of our
(31:02):
community.
It's free to join and willprovide you with the resources
you deserve as a divorced ordivorcing dad.
Thank you for listening.
God bless, and I'll talk withyou next week.