Back to the Mater: Searching for Answers

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I’m drenched, exhausted, and dragging myself through the rain—because I’m about to blow. This is a real-time recording, on my phone, just moments before I walked through the doors of the Mater hospital. Not in crisis, but not far off. I’m tired. Tired of the medication merry-go-round, the constant inner turmoil, the anxiety and depression. Im also tired of my inner critic telling me I’m not “bad enough” to deserve any help. But, I didn’t show up for fun. I didn’t walk from home to the hospital at 2am in the relentless rain to go home empty handed—I showed up because I’m worn out, and I need answers. Now. 

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Follow my journey living with mental illness and the hard-fought lessons learned along the way. Lived experience is the driving force of this podcast, and through this lens, my stories are told. 
This is a raw, honest, and authentic account of how multiple psychological disorders have shaped my past and continue to influence my future.

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You can follow me on Instagram: @elliot.t.waters

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
G'day everybody.
My name is Elliot Waters andyou're listening to the
Dysregulator podcast.
Now let me set the scene.
I'm at the Martyr Hospitalbecause I'm here wanting to
demand some sort of way forward.
As we know, I'm desperate for amedication review and
potentially taper off all ofthem and see what we've got and

(00:21):
then try again potentially.
You know it's a big, longprocess and I can't do it on my
own, even though that's what thesuggestions have sort of been.
But not listening to that,that's rubbish and I need a
psychiatrist to oversee thisbecause this is very, very
complex.
If you listen to the potty, youknow my story's quite complex.

(00:42):
There's quite a few differentdiagnoses going on.
There's plenty of medicationsseven or eight know my story's
quite complex.
It's quite a few differentdiagnoses going on.
There's plenty of medications,seven or eight of them.
Whatever it is, it's a mammothtask, that's for sure, but I
can't do it on my own.
So hopefully here at the MartaI'll get some sort of result,
because I'm going to go in, I'mgoing to say how desperate I am,
which I am, and we'll see howwe go.

(01:07):
You know I hate that.
I hate it when I've been here,right, did I mention I said my
memory's so bad?
Did I mention I'm at the busstop and it's pouring rain and
I'm drenched because I walkedhere in the pouring rain.
It is unbelievable.
It's, um, everything's dripping.
All my papers, my referrals andstuff that I brought, they're
all wet.
But anyway, I think it adds tothe theater of it all of how

(01:29):
desperate I am to get this, thishelp that I desperately need,
that I'm willing to trudge myway from my place to the Marta
hospital in the pouring rain,bring along all the paperwork
and, yeah, like I'm like I'mdrenched, I look like I need
help.
So hopefully it might work inmy favor because, yeah, I'm a

(01:51):
bit uncomfortable at the momentwith wet jeans and wet flannel.
It's not good.
Anyway, what I was going to saybefore is I hate coming to the
Marta or another hospital orgoing to the doctors or whatever
.
Sorry, I'll just let the cardrive past Because I don't know
if you guys have done thisexperience that I'm doing now

(02:14):
and have done a few times before.
But even for the people whohaven't, it probably would make
sense.
But you know, you get here, thenyou start feeling better, you
know like it's like hey, I'm notthat bad Things are all right,
sense.
But you know you get here.
Then you start feeling better.
You know like, yes, I'm out.
You know it's like, hey, I'mnot that bad, things are all
right.
You know, come on, mate, it'snot that bad, you know.
And the reason that you feelbetter is because you're at the

(02:35):
place that offers you know the,the, the options, the treatments
or whatever to hopefully get ina better frame of mind.
The reason you feel better isnot because the depression has
just gone away or the anxietyhas just died down and isn't
going to return.
It's because your brain knowsthat you're at the place where,

(02:58):
potentially, help will beavailable, and that's a great
feeling because you're empoweredwill be available.
And that's a great feelingbecause you're empowered.
You know you're feeling.
You feel like you're activelyworking on your health.
You know because you've gone tothe doctors.
That's an empowering, assertivemood, move, sorry, you know,
like that's pat on the back,sort of stuff.
It's really good.

(03:18):
But unfortunately, what it tendsto do at least for me tends to
do, at least for me is Idownplay how I'm feeling and I
tend to not represent what's theword convey how I feel in that
moment where I'm feeling alittle bit better, a little bit
lighter, and I don't go to thedepths of my depression and

(03:41):
anxiety and be petty and allthat sort of stuff.
Often at these places I don'tgo to the depths because I'm
feeling sort of better for alittle bit, you know.
But the thing is I've done this, unfortunately, I've done this
quite a few times.
This is not the first time I'vebeen here, so this is not my
first radio and I know sort ofhow it works.
So what I need to do now, whichI'm still not very good at, but

(04:05):
so what I need to do now, whichI'm still not very good at, but
at least I'm aware I've got theinsight so I can try and do
something about it.
But what I need to do is tochannel the negative energy that
I've been feeling all day, allday, all week, all month, all
year.
You know, you know, we knowwhat the story's like, but
that's the sort of feeling Ineed the channel.
I need to get that back andreally feel it and then convey

(04:27):
that and be like, look, I'mstuffed and I need help.
This is serious.
Um, you know it's, it's, it's,this is life or death sort of
stuff and that's what it is.
But unfortunately, often inthese situations I'm very poor
at advocating for myself and andtelling it's not so much
telling the truth.
It's not like I'm fibbing, butyou know it is hard to represent

(04:50):
how you feel when all of asudden there's that shift
towards positive emotion.
I'll just let this car go past.
But you know it's fleeting andthat's the thing.
I know what this is like.
It is fleeting.
I need to push that aside andactually dive into the negative
and then present that, hopefully, to a psychiatrist who will

(05:12):
then say you know what, elliot,you're a very complex case, but
you know what?
Like, that's a challenge.
That's a challenge I want totake on.
I'm taking you on, elliot,let's go, let's go, let's go on
this journey together.
I don't know something likethat would be nice or at least
some sort of framework movingforward.
But we know the deal, becauseI've been talking about a lot on

(05:33):
the potty.
We know what I want I need anextended stay in a mental health
unit so I can taper off allthese goddamn medications, see
what we're left with what mybaseline is now.
See what we're left with whatmy baseline is now.
See what my baseline is, andthen reassess and potentially
remedicate from there, becausethe thing is at this point, um,

(05:54):
we don't know what medication isdoing what there's.
There's medications that arepulling to the left, and then
there's medications pulling tothe right, you know, like
stimulants and and sedatives.
It's hello, what are we dealingwith here?
So, anyway, so that's the plan.
I'm going to stop yappingbecause I actually need to go in
there, but I'm real scared.
I don't know.
I'm really anxious today.

(06:15):
I feel like this is a big one.
The whole walk here I was justlike nah, it's all right, it's
fine, turn around and go home.
It's fine, turn around and gohome.
So I am proud of myself forpushing through and getting here
, because there was a lot ofchatter, internal chatter,
saying just go home, don't worryabout it, go to sleep.
Because it is 3 am at themoment.
I don't know if I mentioned thatpart, it is pretty late, but

(06:37):
yeah, I really don't feelcomfortable at all walking in
there today.
This is going to be one of theharder ones I've ever done.
But I think the reason why Ifeel so horrid at the moment is
because this is the opportunity,and I know, deep down in my
subconscious knows that this ispotentially a big turning point

(07:01):
and that's freaking me out, man,it's freaking me out.
That's freaking me out and myinner critics like not go home
and all the disorders they'reall you know burrowing up saying
no, no, we don't need this crap.
But that, to me, is a sign thatno, maybe we do need this crap.
So, anyway, I've done enoughyapping, I need to go inside.
I need to give this a crack.
I'll let you know how I go.
Of course, um, thank you forlistening and reach out to me on

(07:21):
instagram if you'd like.
Let you know how it go.
Of course, um, thank you forlistening and reach out to me on
instagram if you'd like.
And you know, rate the showfive stars.
You know the deal and share itaround with your mates.
All right, thanks, guys.
Bye.