October 10, 2025 • 18 mins
In this episode, I talk about the sudden re-emergence of my old foe, the inner critic, and how it’s teamed up with my perfectionism to drag me down. Together, they’ve convinced me that everything I do is sub-standard, fuelling insecurities and setting expectations that aren't reasonable or attainable.
The best example of this? This very podcast of course! I’ve spent hours glued to my computer and microphone, desperately trying to record the “perfect” episode. The result has been exhaustion, frustration, and far fewer episodes released than I’d like.
But here’s the truth, I reckon the imperfections are what makes this show work, owing to the fact that life isn't perfect. It is riddled with mistakes, missteps, inconsistencies and lost opportunities. Because if I am able to stand by my belief that this podcast is the most honest, raw, vulnerable and fair dinkum show on the internet, the imperfections must be a part of the journey. That's the reality of living with mental illness. And that's what makes The Dysregulated Podcast stand out from the rest.
You can follow me on Instagram: @elliot.t.waters, and the show on Facebook!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:09):
G'day everybody, my name is Elliot Waters, and
you're listening to the DisRegulator Podcast.
As always, thank you for tuningin.
Right, today's episode is goingto be short and sweet because
let me tell you, I have had anabsolute gut full.
I'm annoyed, I'm angry, I'mextremely frustrated, and I've
been blowing up deluxe the lastcouple of weeks because of my
(00:32):
inability to be able to sitdown, record a podcast episode
for this show, be happy withwhat I've produced, and then
publish it for you guys tolisten to and hopefully get
something out of it as well.
I just have not been able to getthese episodes done.
So if you've noticed thatthere's been a bit of a drop-off
(00:52):
as far as new material and newepisodes is concerned, you'd be
correct.
Um, but I do want to say it'snot because I've run out of
things to say that he's nottrue.
I've got so much to say,especially about mental health
man.
So much to say.
So that's not the issue, and itcertainly isn't because my
(01:14):
passion for the field for this,you know, this realm has faded
at all.
It has not faded.
Um, the autistic fixation I havefor mental health and psychology
and all of that is as strong asever, don't worry.
So that's not the reason either.
The reason is because there'sbeen this re-emergence of an old
(01:38):
foe of mind, although this oldfoe never really goes away, but
um unfortunately it's been verypowerful in its words and its
influence um the last couple ofweeks, uh, and has made
producing these episodes nearimpossible, and it's also had a
friend along for the ride aswell.
(02:00):
So, what I'm talking about firstoff is the inner critic, the old
inner critic.
If you've listened to this showat all, you would know that the
inner critic is a big part of mylife and how it's manifested
itself and how I think andbehave and the emotions that I
feel.
The inner critic is a big part.
But, you know, through lots ofwork, lots of therapy and you
(02:22):
know, other things, I've beenable to somewhat push it in the
corner or at least, you know,dial it down a bit so it's you
know, it's not as loud in myears, you know, running me down
and telling me I'm doing thingswrong or I'm not good enough and
all that sort of stuff.
Um, you know, that stuff's stillthere, but it's sort of tucked
away in the corner.
Been pretty good at you knowputting it in the corner and
(02:44):
just ignoring it.
Um, but I don't know, for somereason over the last couple of
weeks, it has come back in a bigway and is really causing some
distress for me, that's forsure.
Um, especially too, because as Isay, it's got a friend along for
the right as well.
Now you might have heard of thisconcept, it's this idea of
perfectionism.
(03:06):
So, you know, it makes sensethat the inner critic and
perfectionism, they sort of go,you know, hand in hand, you
know, like a marriage made inhell, um, certainly making my
life difficult.
Um, but it's um but the thing isagain, I I don't know where the
perfectionism stuff has comefrom either.
You know, it's not like I'vedone something and I've been
(03:30):
told all this negative feedback,like you know, that there's been
no negative feedback, quite theopposite, really.
Um, you know, that I don't knowwhat's caused this.
I don't know.
My medications have been stable,my sleep's been a bit all over
the shop, but you know, again,if you've listened to the show,
you know that that's prettynormal for me.
Um, yeah, so I don't know, likeI don't know what's sort of
(03:53):
changed in my world to bringthis intensity of negative
cognitions and thoughts andemotions and then behaviours or
lack of.
Um I'm not sure where this hascome from, but it doesn't really
matter because at the end of theday, it's here and I've got to
confront it and I've got to finda way to nullify you know its
influence and get back on track.
(04:15):
Um, but you know, it's it'sinteresting though, this whole
perfectionism thing.
So what so how it's what'shappened, this is how it's
manifested itself and how um theinner critic has used it as
leverage to get back at me.
Um because what's happened is myexpectations have gone way up.
Um so all the way up to perfect.
(04:36):
Um, so you know, unless I amable to produce an episode that
is perfect at the moment, um, Ihave great difficulty in being
able to acknowledge that it'snot perfect, but it's still
valuable and deservespublishing.
Um so that's what the innercritic's done.
It's pushed all, you know, it'sraised the bar to a level that's
(04:57):
unattainable.
Um, and therefore, when I'vebeen trying to do these
episodes, um I've fallen shortof the mark because, you know,
it's unattainable and there's nosuch thing as perfect.
Um, but that's what the innercritic expects, and it's been
powerful enough to um make meexpect that as well, and that if
(05:17):
it doesn't produce itself, if Iput in lots of effort but it's
not quite perfect, well thathasn't been good enough
recently.
Um, and that's not good.
But there's an extra, you know,sort of layer to all of this um
that I think's interesting, um,which is the fact that the
imperfections of this show, ofme and what I bring to the show,
(05:40):
um, I think the imperfectionsactually help um with this
podcast and has helped make itas successful as it has been.
Um, because there's nothingperfect about mental illness.
Um, there's nothing perfectabout life, you know, real life.
Um things go wrong, thingsaren't as they should be, you
(06:01):
know, like, you know, all ofthat stuff.
There's imperfections all aroundus.
And um for somebody who'sdealing with mental health
concerns, um, there'simperfections inherent um in
that.
You know, you can't separate thetwo.
That's just part of the deal.
(06:21):
Um, so that's why I think it'sinteresting because the
imperfections of this show Ithink adds to it in a very good
way and adds to the relatabilityof the content that I'm I'm
putting out there.
Um because this isn't, you know,the most fancy, shiny podcast on
the internet.
You know, I don't have theworld's most expensive
(06:42):
equipment, I don't have peoplethat edit the episodes.
Um, you know, I just do one takeand hope for the best often,
except obviously lately Ihaven't been able to think like
that, but whatever.
Um yeah, there's no producersand all of this is done, you
know, here um at mum and dad'splace where I'm living, in my
sister's old bedroom, um, youknow, and that's where this
(07:06):
podcast um emanates from.
And so I think the imperfectionsof the show um adds to the
relatability and the realgenuine, you know, honest,
vulnerable approach that I tryand take with the podcast.
So really, I shouldn't be aimingfor perfect at all, one, because
(07:26):
it doesn't exist, but two, thatwouldn't actually be helpful or
beneficial for the show anyway.
You know, like this isn't meantto be perfect.
This podcast is meant to be a,you know, capture me in my most
vulnerable raw moments, andthere ain't nothing perfect
about that.
So, you know, that's an extralayer of, I guess, I don't know,
(07:50):
of things or something to thinkabout.
Um, this idea that probablydeserves its own episode, but
this idea that imperfections canactually be a good thing, and
that something going perfectlyum maybe isn't, you know, in
some areas the way that we wantto approach things.
So there you go.
But unfortunately, you know,that logic, and I think that is
(08:12):
quite logical, feel free to letme know if it's not.
Um, but that logic,unfortunately, still hasn't been
enough though, to put this issueto bed.
So I I don't know, again, Idon't know where like this
renewed energy and intensityfrom these negative parts have
come from, but it's um it'sreally put the handbrake on me
(08:35):
being able to come out with thematerial that I've got ready to
go.
Um, I just need to be able tosit down and record it because
some of these, I'm telling you,some of these episodes are
beauties.
Seriously, if you thought thepotty was good up until this
point, trust me, there's evenbetter coming.
And maybe that's part of thereason too, because I I am
confident in how good thismaterial's going to be.
(08:58):
So I guess there's a lot ofpressure I put on myself to make
sure that you know I do thematerial justice.
So yeah, maybe it's just thatsort of idea and and me being
me, you know, everything's blackand white, zero, a hundred
percent.
This is just another example ofthings um being amplified to
100%.
So I don't know.
But the main thing is I need todial it down so I can get these
(09:21):
episodes done because there'snothing perfect about not
producing content.
That is not the way forward.
So, but unfortunately, thatlogic, this logical way of
thinking hasn't been enough toquite put those two concepts
back in their boxes where theybelong.
Um, in the subconscious orunconscious mind, definitely not
(09:43):
the conscious mind.
Um, and it's been difficult toobecause, well, it's difficult
because every time or every daythat I haven't done an episode
when I feel I should have, thepressure builds and builds and
builds.
Um, and it gets really, itbecomes a real problem because
it makes me very angry andirritable.
I do.
Like if I haven't been puttingthese episodes out like I want
(10:06):
to be, I feel like I'm lettingmyself down, I'm letting you
guys down.
Um, and that, you know, mychances of being successful in
life, whatever the hell that is,um, you know, I I suffer a blow
to that idea and that dream whenI'm not, you know, consistent
with the podcast episodes andoutput because this potty is so
(10:29):
important um to how I view theself and and my idea of being
successful is having asuccessful podcast.
So obviously, if I'm not doingit, if I'm not making the
episodes, that's bad becausethat's stopping me from being
successful.
And that's one of those, youknow, existential sort of
questions that people who are,you know, very deep thinkers,
(10:50):
especially of the ruminatingmelancholic kind, such as
myself, you know, those are thethings that we dwell on, um, as
well as things like you know,the meaning of life and all
that.
And again, well, and the meaningof life and my purpose and
stuff, this show is a big partof that as well.
So when I'm not able to engagewith the show and produce what I
(11:10):
want to be producing to a levelthat's satisfactory, um, that
has massive effects for mepsychologically because there's
so much tied up in this show.
Um, hope that makes sense.
But yeah, so what's beenhappening though has been like
I've tried to record theseepisodes, trust me.
(11:31):
I've I have sat down and I havespent hours and hours and hours
just trying to get theseepisodes done.
Like I'll just sit there, I'lldo you know, five minutes, or I
stumbled across a word delete,or I'll do 15 minutes and I
forgot what I said at the start,so I'm assuming I'm probably
repeating myself.
(11:52):
Oh, delete, start again.
Then I've done another 10minutes, um, but there were too
many ums and ahs and stuff likethat, and you know, I I don't
think it's up to standard.
Get rid of it, and then do itagain half an hour this time.
I got right to the end, but thenI stuffed up the ending.
Um, so I've got a bad feelingabout it, the vibes off, delete,
(12:13):
do it again.
Like I've been doing this everyday, like for hours and hours
and hours.
It's driving me insane.
Some would say it's dedication,you know.
I'm dedicated to trying toproduce something really, really
good, which is great, but youknow, there is a point where it
becomes extreme and it'sactually maladaptive and it's
(12:34):
not healthy and it's you knowcausing issues across the board.
Um, and me sitting at thiscomputer uh in my sister's old
room where there's no airconditioning because it's very
hot at the moment here inNewcastle, Australia, so I'm
sweating big time.
Um, but you know, I'm justsitting here for hours
(12:55):
neglecting all my other thingsthat I need to be doing, all the
other chores and stuff, justtrying to will myself on to get
this episode done.
So then the monkey's off theback, you know, and then I don't
have to feel so guilty as I dothings away from the computer
and away from the microphone,and that stress can be
alleviated even if it's just fora moment.
(13:16):
Um, but the longer that thesecycles go on for, the more
difficult it becomes.
And if I get to the end of a dayand I've spent like eight hours
seriously trying to get thisepisode going, and I go to bed
empty-handed, oh man, that isthat's that's guilt, that's
(13:40):
shame in a big, big way.
You know, it feels like I've leteverybody down, I've let myself
down, you know.
Um, again, a logical sort ofstuff, but this is this is
mental illness, you know,there's no rule book, it's not
perfect.
As as I've sort of said, that'ssort of part of the deal.
So anyway, um, that's what'sbeen happening.
(14:02):
So just these obsessive sessionsof trying to get these episodes
out, not being able to do it,absolutely beating myself up
over it, um, getting stressed,getting more and more angry and
agitated.
And oh, it's been a nightmare,it's been an absolute nightmare.
Um, so that is look, I'm gonnaprobably wrap it up there.
That's even longer than I wasexpecting.
(14:23):
Um, but like I said, there'ssome great material coming, and
I really want to get it moving,you know?
Um, like it's just yeah, sofrustrating that oh, see that?
I almost right here we go.
In real time, see how I stumbleda little bit.
You probably didn't even notice,that's the thing, but I
certainly did.
I stumbled a little bit over afew words just then, um, because
(14:46):
I had two things in my head atthe same time, and I wasn't
attending to one or the other,so that causes me to, you know,
sh you know, short circuit andall that sort of stuff.
But that little moment of ofstumbling over those words,
straight away, instantly, I waslike, right, I've got to delete,
I've got to start again.
I'm so glad I've been able tocatch myself and stop myself
(15:08):
doing that.
Um, and seriously, I'm not doingthis, you know, to show an
example or that is legit.
I was very close then to justautomatically going, nah, I'll
do it again.
It's all right, it'll be right,I'll be quicker this time, you
know.
Oh man.
Um, yeah, there you go in realtime.
So I'm very glad that I avoidedthat.
(15:29):
That is good.
Um, but that's how small it canbe.
Um, it's it's geez, it'sfrustrating.
A lot of effort goes into thisshow, seriously.
I just you know, I'm trying tobe kind to myself here.
Like it's hard yakker doing thisshow sometimes, and you know, I
appreciate so much the peoplelisten and put up with me with
you know the you know, the lackof structure and the lack of you
(15:53):
know consistency.
Um, but I do thank you forstaying true because um yeah,
it's not easy this show, it'snot easy to do.
Um, and a lot of it's because ofmy ADHD and just the organized,
it's not so much what I'mtalking about, it's the whole
process involved in getting itdone.
So I'm so glad that you guyslisten and make it all
worthwhile because you do, youdo make it worthwhile, and I I
(16:17):
am committed, trust me, there issome good stuff coming.
Hopefully, I'll be able to nowget this episode published, get
the monkey off the back, a bitof relaxation, have an early
night tonight, go to bed, don'tbe thinking about the podcast.
I'm gonna try and you know readone of my books so I'm not
thinking about mental health andpodcasting because you know I've
(16:39):
devoted enough attention to thatwell and truly today, and over
the last couple of weeks.
Um, so I want to enjoy the factthat I've got a brand new
episode out there, and eventhough I suspect that it sounds
like I'm just rambling on andgoing around in circles, you
know what, everybody?
I don't care because the realtake-home message is that I've
(17:01):
got this episode done and now Ican relax for a little bit, and
then I reckon moving forwardover the next few days, I'm
gonna be able to produce thesenew episodes with this great
material that I'm dying to letyou in on because it is unreal.
Alright, that'll do for me.
As I said, I think I've probablybeen um waffling on and see
(17:25):
again, I've got the urge to justdelete it and then just start
again, but I can't.
It's like it's like 10:30 atnight.
Um I've sat up before for hours,you know, to like 4 a.m.
just trying to get episodesdone.
And I can't I can't do thatbecause the lack of sleep is
major, major problem is a majorproblem.
Um, and I know that if I stay upto like four o'clock, for
(17:48):
example, and I am still not ableto come out with something,
tomorrow's gone.
The whole day's wrecked forsure.
Um, so I know me pretty well,and I at least now I know when
to sort of you know really putin that boundary or else things
get out of control very quickly.
Um, it's a good thing that I canidentify that.
The problem is that I keeprunning into the boundary, you
(18:10):
know.
There's still that urge to gothrough that boundary and just
keep pushing.
Um, but thankfully, um, that'suh that's not gonna happen
tonight.
Definitely not.
All right, thank you everybodyfor listening.
I do appreciate you.
As always, if you're enjoyingthe show, feel free to like,
subscribe, give the show a greatrating, and you can share it
(18:31):
around with your mates, and youcan follow me on Instagram at
elliott.t.waters, and you canfollow the show on Facebook by
searching the dysregulatedpodcast.
Until next time, see you later.
G'day everybody, my name is Elliot Waters, and
you're listening to the DisRegulator Podcast.
As always, thank you for tuningin.
Right, today's episode is goingto be short and sweet because
let me tell you, I have had anabsolute gut full.
I'm annoyed, I'm angry, I'mextremely frustrated, and I've
been blowing up deluxe the lastcouple of weeks because of my
(00:32):
inability to be able to sitdown, record a podcast episode
for this show, be happy withwhat I've produced, and then
publish it for you guys tolisten to and hopefully get
something out of it as well.
I just have not been able to getthese episodes done.
So if you've noticed thatthere's been a bit of a drop-off
(00:52):
as far as new material and newepisodes is concerned, you'd be
correct.
Um, but I do want to say it'snot because I've run out of
things to say that he's nottrue.
I've got so much to say,especially about mental health
man.
So much to say.
So that's not the issue, and itcertainly isn't because my
(01:14):
passion for the field for this,you know, this realm has faded
at all.
It has not faded.
Um, the autistic fixation I havefor mental health and psychology
and all of that is as strong asever, don't worry.
So that's not the reason either.
The reason is because there'sbeen this re-emergence of an old
(01:38):
foe of mind, although this oldfoe never really goes away, but
um unfortunately it's been verypowerful in its words and its
influence um the last couple ofweeks, uh, and has made
producing these episodes nearimpossible, and it's also had a
friend along for the ride aswell.
(02:00):
So, what I'm talking about firstoff is the inner critic, the old
inner critic.
If you've listened to this showat all, you would know that the
inner critic is a big part of mylife and how it's manifested
itself and how I think andbehave and the emotions that I
feel.
The inner critic is a big part.
But, you know, through lots ofwork, lots of therapy and you
(02:22):
know, other things, I've beenable to somewhat push it in the
corner or at least, you know,dial it down a bit so it's you
know, it's not as loud in myears, you know, running me down
and telling me I'm doing thingswrong or I'm not good enough and
all that sort of stuff.
Um, you know, that stuff's stillthere, but it's sort of tucked
away in the corner.
Been pretty good at you knowputting it in the corner and
(02:44):
just ignoring it.
Um, but I don't know, for somereason over the last couple of
weeks, it has come back in a bigway and is really causing some
distress for me, that's forsure.
Um, especially too, because as Isay, it's got a friend along for
the right as well.
Now you might have heard of thisconcept, it's this idea of
perfectionism.
(03:06):
So, you know, it makes sensethat the inner critic and
perfectionism, they sort of go,you know, hand in hand, you
know, like a marriage made inhell, um, certainly making my
life difficult.
Um, but it's um but the thing isagain, I I don't know where the
perfectionism stuff has comefrom either.
You know, it's not like I'vedone something and I've been
(03:30):
told all this negative feedback,like you know, that there's been
no negative feedback, quite theopposite, really.
Um, you know, that I don't knowwhat's caused this.
I don't know.
My medications have been stable,my sleep's been a bit all over
the shop, but you know, again,if you've listened to the show,
you know that that's prettynormal for me.
Um, yeah, so I don't know, likeI don't know what's sort of
(03:53):
changed in my world to bringthis intensity of negative
cognitions and thoughts andemotions and then behaviours or
lack of.
Um I'm not sure where this hascome from, but it doesn't really
matter because at the end of theday, it's here and I've got to
confront it and I've got to finda way to nullify you know its
influence and get back on track.
(04:15):
Um, but you know, it's it'sinteresting though, this whole
perfectionism thing.
So what so how it's what'shappened, this is how it's
manifested itself and how um theinner critic has used it as
leverage to get back at me.
Um because what's happened is myexpectations have gone way up.
Um so all the way up to perfect.
(04:36):
Um, so you know, unless I amable to produce an episode that
is perfect at the moment, um, Ihave great difficulty in being
able to acknowledge that it'snot perfect, but it's still
valuable and deservespublishing.
Um so that's what the innercritic's done.
It's pushed all, you know, it'sraised the bar to a level that's
(04:57):
unattainable.
Um, and therefore, when I'vebeen trying to do these
episodes, um I've fallen shortof the mark because, you know,
it's unattainable and there's nosuch thing as perfect.
Um, but that's what the innercritic expects, and it's been
powerful enough to um make meexpect that as well, and that if
(05:17):
it doesn't produce itself, if Iput in lots of effort but it's
not quite perfect, well thathasn't been good enough
recently.
Um, and that's not good.
But there's an extra, you know,sort of layer to all of this um
that I think's interesting, um,which is the fact that the
imperfections of this show, ofme and what I bring to the show,
(05:40):
um, I think the imperfectionsactually help um with this
podcast and has helped make itas successful as it has been.
Um, because there's nothingperfect about mental illness.
Um, there's nothing perfectabout life, you know, real life.
Um things go wrong, thingsaren't as they should be, you
(06:01):
know, like, you know, all ofthat stuff.
There's imperfections all aroundus.
And um for somebody who'sdealing with mental health
concerns, um, there'simperfections inherent um in
that.
You know, you can't separate thetwo.
That's just part of the deal.
(06:21):
Um, so that's why I think it'sinteresting because the
imperfections of this show Ithink adds to it in a very good
way and adds to the relatabilityof the content that I'm I'm
putting out there.
Um because this isn't, you know,the most fancy, shiny podcast on
the internet.
You know, I don't have theworld's most expensive
(06:42):
equipment, I don't have peoplethat edit the episodes.
Um, you know, I just do one takeand hope for the best often,
except obviously lately Ihaven't been able to think like
that, but whatever.
Um yeah, there's no producersand all of this is done, you
know, here um at mum and dad'splace where I'm living, in my
sister's old bedroom, um, youknow, and that's where this
(07:06):
podcast um emanates from.
And so I think the imperfectionsof the show um adds to the
relatability and the realgenuine, you know, honest,
vulnerable approach that I tryand take with the podcast.
So really, I shouldn't be aimingfor perfect at all, one, because
(07:26):
it doesn't exist, but two, thatwouldn't actually be helpful or
beneficial for the show anyway.
You know, like this isn't meantto be perfect.
This podcast is meant to be a,you know, capture me in my most
vulnerable raw moments, andthere ain't nothing perfect
about that.
So, you know, that's an extralayer of, I guess, I don't know,
(07:50):
of things or something to thinkabout.
Um, this idea that probablydeserves its own episode, but
this idea that imperfections canactually be a good thing, and
that something going perfectlyum maybe isn't, you know, in
some areas the way that we wantto approach things.
So there you go.
But unfortunately, you know,that logic, and I think that is
(08:12):
quite logical, feel free to letme know if it's not.
Um, but that logic,unfortunately, still hasn't been
enough though, to put this issueto bed.
So I I don't know, again, Idon't know where like this
renewed energy and intensityfrom these negative parts have
come from, but it's um it'sreally put the handbrake on me
(08:35):
being able to come out with thematerial that I've got ready to
go.
Um, I just need to be able tosit down and record it because
some of these, I'm telling you,some of these episodes are
beauties.
Seriously, if you thought thepotty was good up until this
point, trust me, there's evenbetter coming.
And maybe that's part of thereason too, because I I am
confident in how good thismaterial's going to be.
(08:58):
So I guess there's a lot ofpressure I put on myself to make
sure that you know I do thematerial justice.
So yeah, maybe it's just thatsort of idea and and me being
me, you know, everything's blackand white, zero, a hundred
percent.
This is just another example ofthings um being amplified to
100%.
So I don't know.
But the main thing is I need todial it down so I can get these
(09:21):
episodes done because there'snothing perfect about not
producing content.
That is not the way forward.
So, but unfortunately, thatlogic, this logical way of
thinking hasn't been enough toquite put those two concepts
back in their boxes where theybelong.
Um, in the subconscious orunconscious mind, definitely not
(09:43):
the conscious mind.
Um, and it's been difficult toobecause, well, it's difficult
because every time or every daythat I haven't done an episode
when I feel I should have, thepressure builds and builds and
builds.
Um, and it gets really, itbecomes a real problem because
it makes me very angry andirritable.
I do.
Like if I haven't been puttingthese episodes out like I want
(10:06):
to be, I feel like I'm lettingmyself down, I'm letting you
guys down.
Um, and that, you know, mychances of being successful in
life, whatever the hell that is,um, you know, I I suffer a blow
to that idea and that dream whenI'm not, you know, consistent
with the podcast episodes andoutput because this potty is so
(10:29):
important um to how I view theself and and my idea of being
successful is having asuccessful podcast.
So obviously, if I'm not doingit, if I'm not making the
episodes, that's bad becausethat's stopping me from being
successful.
And that's one of those, youknow, existential sort of
questions that people who are,you know, very deep thinkers,
(10:50):
especially of the ruminatingmelancholic kind, such as
myself, you know, those are thethings that we dwell on, um, as
well as things like you know,the meaning of life and all
that.
And again, well, and the meaningof life and my purpose and
stuff, this show is a big partof that as well.
So when I'm not able to engagewith the show and produce what I
(11:10):
want to be producing to a levelthat's satisfactory, um, that
has massive effects for mepsychologically because there's
so much tied up in this show.
Um, hope that makes sense.
But yeah, so what's beenhappening though has been like
I've tried to record theseepisodes, trust me.
(11:31):
I've I have sat down and I havespent hours and hours and hours
just trying to get theseepisodes done.
Like I'll just sit there, I'lldo you know, five minutes, or I
stumbled across a word delete,or I'll do 15 minutes and I
forgot what I said at the start,so I'm assuming I'm probably
repeating myself.
(11:52):
Oh, delete, start again.
Then I've done another 10minutes, um, but there were too
many ums and ahs and stuff likethat, and you know, I I don't
think it's up to standard.
Get rid of it, and then do itagain half an hour this time.
I got right to the end, but thenI stuffed up the ending.
Um, so I've got a bad feelingabout it, the vibes off, delete,
(12:13):
do it again.
Like I've been doing this everyday, like for hours and hours
and hours.
It's driving me insane.
Some would say it's dedication,you know.
I'm dedicated to trying toproduce something really, really
good, which is great, but youknow, there is a point where it
becomes extreme and it'sactually maladaptive and it's
(12:34):
not healthy and it's you knowcausing issues across the board.
Um, and me sitting at thiscomputer uh in my sister's old
room where there's no airconditioning because it's very
hot at the moment here inNewcastle, Australia, so I'm
sweating big time.
Um, but you know, I'm justsitting here for hours
(12:55):
neglecting all my other thingsthat I need to be doing, all the
other chores and stuff, justtrying to will myself on to get
this episode done.
So then the monkey's off theback, you know, and then I don't
have to feel so guilty as I dothings away from the computer
and away from the microphone,and that stress can be
alleviated even if it's just fora moment.
(13:16):
Um, but the longer that thesecycles go on for, the more
difficult it becomes.
And if I get to the end of a dayand I've spent like eight hours
seriously trying to get thisepisode going, and I go to bed
empty-handed, oh man, that isthat's that's guilt, that's
(13:40):
shame in a big, big way.
You know, it feels like I've leteverybody down, I've let myself
down, you know.
Um, again, a logical sort ofstuff, but this is this is
mental illness, you know,there's no rule book, it's not
perfect.
As as I've sort of said, that'ssort of part of the deal.
So anyway, um, that's what'sbeen happening.
(14:02):
So just these obsessive sessionsof trying to get these episodes
out, not being able to do it,absolutely beating myself up
over it, um, getting stressed,getting more and more angry and
agitated.
And oh, it's been a nightmare,it's been an absolute nightmare.
Um, so that is look, I'm gonnaprobably wrap it up there.
That's even longer than I wasexpecting.
(14:23):
Um, but like I said, there'ssome great material coming, and
I really want to get it moving,you know?
Um, like it's just yeah, sofrustrating that oh, see that?
I almost right here we go.
In real time, see how I stumbleda little bit.
You probably didn't even notice,that's the thing, but I
certainly did.
I stumbled a little bit over afew words just then, um, because
(14:46):
I had two things in my head atthe same time, and I wasn't
attending to one or the other,so that causes me to, you know,
sh you know, short circuit andall that sort of stuff.
But that little moment of ofstumbling over those words,
straight away, instantly, I waslike, right, I've got to delete,
I've got to start again.
I'm so glad I've been able tocatch myself and stop myself
(15:08):
doing that.
Um, and seriously, I'm not doingthis, you know, to show an
example or that is legit.
I was very close then to justautomatically going, nah, I'll
do it again.
It's all right, it'll be right,I'll be quicker this time, you
know.
Oh man.
Um, yeah, there you go in realtime.
So I'm very glad that I avoidedthat.
(15:29):
That is good.
Um, but that's how small it canbe.
Um, it's it's geez, it'sfrustrating.
A lot of effort goes into thisshow, seriously.
I just you know, I'm trying tobe kind to myself here.
Like it's hard yakker doing thisshow sometimes, and you know, I
appreciate so much the peoplelisten and put up with me with
you know the you know, the lackof structure and the lack of you
(15:53):
know consistency.
Um, but I do thank you forstaying true because um yeah,
it's not easy this show, it'snot easy to do.
Um, and a lot of it's because ofmy ADHD and just the organized,
it's not so much what I'mtalking about, it's the whole
process involved in getting itdone.
So I'm so glad that you guyslisten and make it all
worthwhile because you do, youdo make it worthwhile, and I I
(16:17):
am committed, trust me, there issome good stuff coming.
Hopefully, I'll be able to nowget this episode published, get
the monkey off the back, a bitof relaxation, have an early
night tonight, go to bed, don'tbe thinking about the podcast.
I'm gonna try and you know readone of my books so I'm not
thinking about mental health andpodcasting because you know I've
(16:39):
devoted enough attention to thatwell and truly today, and over
the last couple of weeks.
Um, so I want to enjoy the factthat I've got a brand new
episode out there, and eventhough I suspect that it sounds
like I'm just rambling on andgoing around in circles, you
know what, everybody?
I don't care because the realtake-home message is that I've
(17:01):
got this episode done and now Ican relax for a little bit, and
then I reckon moving forwardover the next few days, I'm
gonna be able to produce thesenew episodes with this great
material that I'm dying to letyou in on because it is unreal.
Alright, that'll do for me.
As I said, I think I've probablybeen um waffling on and see
(17:25):
again, I've got the urge to justdelete it and then just start
again, but I can't.
It's like it's like 10:30 atnight.
Um I've sat up before for hours,you know, to like 4 a.m.
just trying to get episodesdone.
And I can't I can't do thatbecause the lack of sleep is
major, major problem is a majorproblem.
Um, and I know that if I stay upto like four o'clock, for
(17:48):
example, and I am still not ableto come out with something,
tomorrow's gone.
The whole day's wrecked forsure.
Um, so I know me pretty well,and I at least now I know when
to sort of you know really putin that boundary or else things
get out of control very quickly.
Um, it's a good thing that I canidentify that.
The problem is that I keeprunning into the boundary, you
(18:10):
know.
There's still that urge to gothrough that boundary and just
keep pushing.
Um, but thankfully, um, that'suh that's not gonna happen
tonight.
Definitely not.
All right, thank you everybodyfor listening.
I do appreciate you.
As always, if you're enjoyingthe show, feel free to like,
subscribe, give the show a greatrating, and you can share it
(18:31):
around with your mates, and youcan follow me on Instagram at
elliott.t.waters, and you canfollow the show on Facebook by
searching the dysregulatedpodcast.
Until next time, see you later.
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