December 31, 2025 • 24 mins
This episode is about a hard reframe: stepping back from the dream of marriage and family, not out of bitterness, but honesty. Instead, I am investing my energy where growth is actually possible (I hope).
I talk about the grief that brings up for my inner child, the relief that comes with clarity of direction, and why focusing on career and purpose isn’t avoidance but a sign of maturity of the self. I discuss my nervous system limits (more on that soon), my mental health reality, and the cost of chasing dreams that perhaps aren't possible after all.
I also introduce Dysregulated Daily, a new YouTube series of short, honest check-ins coming soon.
Alright, time to launch!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:10):
G'day everybody, my name is Ellie Waters, and you're
listening to the DISS RegulatorPodcast.
As always, thank you for tuningin.
Alright, today is New Year'sDay, so I just want to say very
quickly happy New Year's to allof you, my amazing listeners.
You guys are all a bunch oflegends.
Thank you for your support in2025 as we look forward to this
(00:32):
year 2026.
Now, I suppose it's at thispoint that I should be telling
you all about my goals for 2026,the sort of direction that I
want to be heading in.
And I'll do that briefly, but Ireally want to focus mostly on I
guess the goals that I'm leavingbehind and not looking.
You know, there's some areas inmy life that are not going as I
(00:57):
would have liked.
And I was sort of hoping some ofthese areas that I'll talk about
in a minute might have improvedin 2025, but unfortunately that
hasn't seemed to be the case.
So as a result, I guess I'mre-adjusting my focus to goals
that I believe are definitelyattainable if I put the work in.
(01:17):
So that's the plan.
So the goals that I want to tryand achieve, excuse me, want to
achieve, that I'm trying toachieve is definitely related to
career.
It's all mostly career sort ofstuff.
Um, so I want to get back intothe transport industry.
So that's driving trucks orloading trucks with forklifts,
(01:37):
all that sort of stuff.
So I want to get out of retailif possible and get back into
transport and logistics.
And the reason I want to do thatis because I want to then
combine my other fixationbecause transport is definitely
one of my fixations.
Who would have thought, youknow, autism, loving trucks and
trains?
Crazy, unheard of.
Um, but my other fixation is ofcourse mental health, which is
(02:01):
why I'm talking to you right nowon this platform.
And the goal is to try and getthem to be together, to marry
them up.
Because one of the goals thatI'm leaving behind is marriage.
So I want to try and change thatconstruct a little bit and make
it a career sort of goal, andthen marriage is back on the
(02:22):
table again, but not in the waythat I guess most people would
associate it.
So, what I mean by marrying upis I want to get back into the
transport industry, but then Iwant to do some research in the
industry from a mental healthpsychology point of view.
So that's combining my twofixations, and I want to get
back into the industry drivingor loading trucks or whatever.
(02:43):
Um, well, not whatever, but Iwant to get back, you know, in
the coal face sort of thing ofthe industry, so I can try and
drive some cultural change fromwithin because I'm pretty
confident that it's going to bevery difficult to try and change
attitudes in the transportindustry.
Very hard men and women in thetransport industry, um, if I
(03:06):
can't prove my credentials as atransport operator myself.
Now, of course, previously in aformer career of mine, I have
done all of that that I'mtalking about, but I want to now
really expand, I guess, myabilities as an operator and get
more experience, um, potentiallyinterstate sort of work,
(03:26):
definitely line hall stuff,semi-trailer, B double sort of
stuff.
So when I'm talking to transportmen and women, they know that I
know what it's like to do whatthey do.
And then hopefully I'll be ableto drive the cultural change as
far as mental health isconcerned.
Because unfortunately, in thetransport and logistics industry
(03:47):
here in Australia, uh, themental health outcomes are not
very good.
So there was some data released,uh probably two, three months
ago now, um, and uh it rankedall the main industries in
Australia as far as the mentalhealth outcomes are concerned,
the metrics that they use.
I can't remember the metricsthat they use, but the results
(04:08):
were pretty compelling.
And out of the 13 mainindustries in Australia,
transport and logistics rankednumber 13.
So that tells me there's somereal well cultural issues in the
industry, structural issues inthe industry, um, but also tells
me there's some greatopportunity for change because
(04:29):
um unfortunately uh the the needis definitely there, but I want
to be a leader of that change.
And to do so, I've got to getback into the industry, I've got
to get back to the coal face,doing night shift, you know,
sorting freight, driving trucks,doing deliveries, all that sort
of stuff.
And then hopefully from thatreally solid foundation, I'll be
(04:50):
able to then use my mentalhealth and psychology
credentials to then drive changein the industry.
That is the plan.
That is the big goal for 2026.
So, as far as the researchmental health stuff is
concerned, I am hoping that maymean a PhD at some point.
But at the same time, to be ableto do a PhD, I need to regulate
(05:13):
my nervous system much betterthan I do at the moment because
the anxiety that I have everyday, unfortunately, um, tells me
that if I was to do a PhD, sayright now, things would crumble.
And I know this because I'vedone my honours thesis in
psychology and things didcrumble that year.
Although I got dragged acrossthe line kicking and screaming,
(05:35):
thank you to my supervisor,Associate Professor Miles Young,
who I'm gonna get on the showsoon.
Um it was a very difficult year,and a PhD is that times 100.
So, you know, for me to be ableto achieve these goals that I'm
talking about, um, I need to getmy fundamentals correct.
And that involves um keepingkeeping myself regulated and
(05:59):
within healthy parametersbecause another goal of mine for
2026 is certainly not to go backto hospital for mental health
reasons again.
That's the plan, really movingforward for the rest of my life.
I don't want to go and stay inpsychiatric wards anymore.
I want to leave that behind, notthe memories or the experiences
(06:20):
gained or the wisdom, anythinglike that, and certainly not the
people that I met along the way.
Um, but I do want to leave thepsychiatric ward credential
stuff behind because I thinkit's time to launch and it's
time to live a life that's worthliving.
You know what I mean?
That's the big plan.
I've spoken about it before.
(06:42):
It's all about living a lifethat's worth living.
And for me, my meaning andpurpose, which is unbelievably
important for everybody, butwill be different for everybody.
But for me, my meaning andpurpose certainly is about
improving um mental healthoutcomes in whatever, I guess,
industry or community that I'min.
But this year and for the nextfew years in particular, the
(07:04):
focus will be on transport andlogistics and of course my own
Newcastle community and you guyshere on the podcast as well.
So this is the plan as far asthe podcast goes.
Very soon I'm about to launch anew series.
It's on YouTube.
So if you're not aware, YouTubehas all the dysregulated podcast
(07:26):
episodes now.
So if there's a friend of yoursthat wants to listen to the show
but doesn't have Spotify ordoesn't have Apple Podcasts, you
can now listen to all episodeson YouTube.
They're all uploaded there now.
So go check that out if you'dlike to.
Um, but also I'm gonna start avideo series.
It's called Disregulated Daily,um, and it's gonna be all about
(07:48):
my day-to-day fluctuations anddysregulation as far as my mood
is concerned, because this isthe thing, and I'm gonna explain
this more in a in a uh, I guess,an introductory episode for the
dysregulated daily series.
But the thing is, every day forme is a battle, every single
day.
But the days that I'm able torecord, I've said this before,
(08:11):
the days I'm able to record,usually I'm feeling pretty good.
And that's great, that's reallygood.
But a lot of the wisdom and Ithink the experiences that I
want people to see is me whenthings are not going well,
because there's a lot of lessonsto be learned from that as well,
and that's maybe not capturedhere on the podcast in full
(08:33):
because I am only able really toproduce episodes when I'm
feeling good.
So the dysregulated daily seriesis going to be a very quick,
like five-minute sort of videoevery single day, every day.
That's the whole point, becauseI am dysregulated daily, so
every day I want to do afive-minute little video and
just give you all an update onhow I'm going that day because
(08:55):
you're going to see even more ofmy living experience, and you're
going to see as well, I guessunfortunately, but in some ways
it's good.
And this, you know, and this ishow I'm trying to justify my bad
days, I suppose.
But my bad days are now going tobe captured, and we can all look
at my bad days together.
(09:15):
And that's the thing, see,because a lot of you guys may be
having a few bad days here andthere as well.
Um, and I want you to know, andI want everyone to know, that
they're not alone when it comesto mental illness.
And I really think this videoseries is going to show, I
guess, the other side of me thatI talk about, but maybe don't
(09:36):
experience in real time as I'mtalking to you here on the show
because I am feeling usuallypretty good.
So the dysregulated daily seriesis not going to be a reflection
on my life.
It's going to be a vr uh, excuseme, a reflection on that
particular day.
And there's going to be dayswhere I'm laying in bed and all
I'm going to do is to like a10-second video saying, Yep, I'm
(09:58):
alive, but this is hell.
I'll talk to you tomorrow.
You know, I can see those daysare coming.
Um, and although those days arevery, very difficult,
unbelievably difficult, um, Ithink there's a lot of a lot of
value to be found.
And again, a lot of wisdom andlessons.
And um, I want to use thoseexperiences for good and to show
(10:20):
people that they're not alone,that I am definitely in the
trenches with you, that is forsure.
Um, but we can use our bad days,our tough days, to really, I
guess, build the foundation forthe good days.
Because I do think you need tohave some bad to have some good,
you know.
It's all about balance, andthat's what life is all about.
(10:40):
Some days are good, some daysare not so good.
But when you've got complexmental illnesses like I do,
those bad days can be really badand dangerous.
But as I said, I think there's alot of value to be gained from
seeing me in those states, andI'm very excited.
And oh, I've got to admit, I'mI'm looking forward to my next
(11:01):
bad day.
No, I'm not really.
Um, but at the same time, itwill be very enlightening, I
think, and revealing.
I think there'll be a lot ofinsights to be seen.
So that's exciting.
Dysregulated Daily, that iscoming very, very soon on
YouTube.
Keep an eye out for that.
If you've got me on social mediaum at elliott.t.waters on
(11:22):
Instagram or by searching thedysregulated podcast on
Facebook.
Um, I will be updating the videoseries there as well.
So keep an eye out for that.
Alright, that's the good stuff.
I think I've ticked it all off.
And yeah, you know, yes, I wantto get back into running, I want
to get to the gym, I want to getfitter again and get rid of this
(11:42):
gut that I've developed.
That's the thing with some ofthese um these uh medications,
they can um have a profoundeffect on your waistline.
Now, very quickly, because thisisn't the point of this episode,
but you know, I've been onallanzepine, I've been on
quatiapine or seracol, and bothof those are renowned for
(12:03):
putting weight on people.
Now, when I was on both, Iactually lost weight.
So there you go, that's unusual.
But now I'm on metazopine, theuh tetracyclic antidepressant,
old school, but you know, goodstuff, and quite um, yeah, yeah,
it's popular as far as beingprescribed is concerned because
it's a good medication.
But one of the main side effectsis weight gain.
(12:25):
And I thought I would avoid allthat because you know the
ceracol and the alazepine umnever put weight on me, and
they're you know, they'recertainly renowned for it, uh
especially a lanzepine.
Um, and it never happened.
So I was like, oh yeah,metazpine, she'll be right, you
know, all good.
But no, I am looking a littlebit chubby.
(12:45):
So um I I do have that goal, Iguess, that everybody does too,
which is to try and get a bitfitter and get in shape a little
bit more and do all that sort ofstuff.
So, but anyway, that's the planfor 2026, which is to really
focus on career, get back intothe transport industry, um, and
really get back, you know, intothe real essence of the
(13:09):
transport industry, you know,night shift stuff, loading,
express freight, all that sortof stuff.
I want to get back into that andum really build those
credentials so I can have areally strong foundation and
platform to be able to try anddrive change in the industry as
far as mental health isconcerned, because stigma is a
huge thing in the transport andlogistics industry, but I'm
(13:32):
pretty determined to do what Ican to nullify that where
possible.
So stay tuned for that.
They're big goals, lofty goals,you know.
Like this is big stuff.
Um, and to say I'm a little bitnervous would be an
understatement, but at the sametime, I'm very committed to this
idea and I think um I think it'sgot wheels, you know.
I really do.
And I really want to help peopleum who are doing it tough but
(13:55):
maybe don't feel as thoughthey're in a position to change
their their outlook or theirlife circumstances, um, and also
people who feel as though theyare alone because um we're all
on this journey together, youknow, and if we try and help
each other along, I think um Ithink that'd be good for all of
us.
So, and we can really, you know,do what we can to help um those
(14:19):
people in our communities thatare doing it tough because
there's plenty of people thatare doing it tough.
Um, and if you're one of them,trust me, I'm with you, I'm in
the trenches next to you, we'rein this together, and the
dysregulated daily series isreally going to showcase that, I
think, and it's gonna be great.
Um, even if a lot of thematerial, unfortunately, may be
depressing.
(14:39):
But hey, that's my life, youknow.
You guys have been listening fora while, I'd say a lot of you,
the majority.
Um, hello to the new listeners,by the way.
But um, you know, that's that'sthe thing.
Uh, this is called thedysregulated podcast for a good
reason.
That's because my life isdysregulated.
I have some good times, youknow, I have a lot of flat times
(15:00):
at the moment, lots of flattimes, um, but I'm still having
a lot of really rough days aswell.
But I want to really, reallyshow that because um, yeah, I
think there's a lot to be gainedfrom it.
Um now shifting quickly tothings that I'm not focusing on
in 2026 that maybe previously Ihave.
So last night, New Year's Eve,so I was in bed by nine o'clock.
(15:23):
Um, like serious, I was in bedat nine o'clock.
I've woken up at quarter pastten because someone was letting
firecrackers off.
Um, but as I was going to bed, Iwas popping all the pills that I
was having.
I was having my clamipromine, Iwas having my metazopine, I was
having my pregabolin, I washaving, you know, clonidine, all
of them.
Um and I was popping all thesepills and I was reflecting on
(15:43):
the fact that I have to pop allthese pills to be somewhat happy
and safe from that um, you know,that real bad storm that can
occur, you know, the wholesuicidal ideation thing and
everything that goes with that.
Um and I was thinking how it's,you know, I used to think it was
unfair that I have to do allthis just to be somewhat happy
(16:05):
and positive where other peoplemaybe don't, but that's not
really how I feel about anymore.
I'm not I'm not jealous of otherpeople or bitter at other
people, maybe like I used to be,but I still am quite, I guess,
disappointed and sad in the factthat I have to do all these
things just to pretend, justsorry, be able to pretend to put
a smile on my face, you know.
(16:26):
Like it's I don't know, it'ssort of sad, and I was thinking
of my inner child a bit, whichI've been doing a little bit
more lately, and yeah, I don'tknow.
I just it there's a lot ofthings that I wish were
different, and it's um it's it'shard.
It it's it's very hard.
It's that's you know, it's hardto feel as though you're being
(16:46):
left behind, I suppose, by life.
And that's how I feel.
I'm 35 now, you know, I'msingle, and I can't see that
really changing.
Um, and that's one of the goalsthat I don't have for 2026.
I don't have the goal anymore ofof finding my partner, my wife,
um, and the person who would bepotentially the mother of my
children is just not on my radaranymore.
(17:09):
Um, and it's pretty sad, youknow.
Like I I I yeah, I th I think ofmy inner child, and I I I guess
I carry, you know, me this selfright now as I'm talking as a
35-year-old, I guess I carry alot of guilt and shame and I
guess regret as well.
Um, but at the same time,because I am now aware that I've
(17:33):
got these mental illnesses and Ididn't certain you know, I
certainly didn't choose to havethem, but um that's the reality
I've got to face, and it's justyeah, I guess my mindset has
changed from like guilt, shameand regret to just sadness
because yeah, I I don't know,that inner child's a good kid,
you know, and I'd like to thinkI'm a good person as I sit here
(17:58):
talking to you right now.
I'd like to think that, youknow, I I try and do what I can
for other people and and youknow improve whatever it is I've
got control over around me andmake things a bit easier for
people.
And I guess I just wish I hadthat ability for my inner child,
and you know, because I thinkthat inner child is longing for
(18:20):
that that relationship, thatpartner in crime, those children
to play with, you know what Imean?
Like, and I I just don't know ifthat's gonna happen anymore.
And yeah, it's pretty sad, youknow.
It's not a good thing to bereflecting on at nine o'clock on
New Year's Eve as I'm poppingall the pills and medications
that I've got to take.
(18:40):
It's I don't know, it's a bitsad that yeah, it's there's no
one to sort of share the newyear with.
And every year I guess I I longfor that.
Some years I've been luckyenough to be with a partner, but
for the majority I haven't.
Um but this year I noticed areal shift in my thinking that
(19:01):
there's I guess don't get mewrong, like there's still hope,
you know.
I feel as though there's hopefor me in the future,
definitely, you know.
That's why I want to changecareers and really go after
these this stigma in thetransport industry and stuff,
you know.
Like that's coming from a placewhere there is this belief that
there is hope.
Um, but when I look at thingslike relationships and families
(19:24):
and stuff of my own, um, yeah,the hope's just about gone.
So, you know, I guess I'm tryingto redirect my energies towards
things that I believe there is achance.
So that's why the focus is goingto be so much on career and my
goals in transport and my goalsin mental health and
(19:45):
psychological research.
Um, that's where my energies aregoing.
And this year I'm going to pivotaway, I think, from this idea of
a family and a wife because Ijust don't think I just don't
think it's a good use of myenergy.
Now Don't get me wrong, I'm notsort of, you know, putting up
well, my walls are up.
You know, I've got B Ped E,like, come on, you know, like my
(20:07):
walls are very high, but at thesame time, they're not
completely shut.
I'm still open to the idea thatmaybe someone will, you know,
maybe someone's circle will comeinto contact with mine, and who
knows, you know, those amazingthings may happen, but yeah, I I
just don't think it's a smartway to spend my energy.
(20:27):
And I think there's otheravenues in which there's more
chance and more hope.
But, you know, it's it's sad.
It's very sad because everyonearound me seems to be able to
have what I want.
And, you know, and don't get mewrong, again, I'm not bitter or
jaded about it like I guess Iused to be, because I am
unbelievably happy uh for thosepeople who have got their
(20:50):
families and mortgages and stufflike that, you know.
But yeah, like I'm still sittinghere recording the podcast at my
parents' place where I'm livingbecause, you know, I haven't
been able to launch properly,and it's not through lack of
trying, that's for sure.
And I don't want to put all theblame on my mental illnesses,
but look, you know, it explainsa lot.
(21:11):
Um, but it's sad.
And unfortunately, aroundChristmas and the new year, um,
and because my birthday's inOctober, so the end of the year
is always a bit difficult for mebecause there's a lot of
reflection going on.
There's a lot of things I'm notparticularly happy about, and
there's a lot of pain that isassociated with that, but you
know, it is what it is, I guess.
So you just gotta roll with thepunches.
(21:33):
As Oasis said, you just gottaroll with it, you know, and
that's what I'm gonna try anddo.
And um, and I'm gonna focus myenergies to the places where I
think I can make real change.
But at the same time, don't getme wrong, like the fact that I'm
pivoting away from the dream ofa family is not something that
I've come to, you know, likeovernight.
(21:54):
This is a very long and has beena very long drawn-out process to
get to this point.
And in some ways, I guess I'mrelieved because there's a lot
of pressure off now, becausethat's not I guess in my in my
set of goals, but it's very,very sad for my inner child
because yeah, I I think thatthat kid deserves a family of
(22:17):
his own, you know, and and somekids to play with, but I don't
know.
It doesn't appear as though it'sgoing to happen.
So that's the plan.
The plan is to pivot my energiestowards the things that I
believe I can make change withand I can sort of control my own
destiny in some ways, and I'mletting go of the things that
(22:39):
possibly just won't be able tobecome a reality, and it's um
it's pretty sad.
But at the same time, you know,it's time to rip in.
It's time to rip in, everybody,because I don't want to be
recording this podcast from mysister's bedroom at my mum and
dad's place, you know.
I want to be able to move outand have a place of my own, at
(23:02):
least rent a place of my own, soI can have that degree of
independence again because um Iam craving that big time.
Uh, and I think it's got tohappen this year.
It's gotta be 2026 is gonna behuge.
My my supervisor at uni, um,Miles Young, that I mentioned
very briefly before, he said hehe told me a little anecdote
(23:23):
about um bamboo, how supposedlyum bamboo is in the ground for I
think I'm getting this right, isin the ground for seven years,
and then all of a sudden itshows itself.
Um and he said that he believesthat this is the year that I
come out of the ground and Iguess show myself.
So this is the year of thebamboo.
(23:44):
Um bamboo is gonna be a bigtheme, I think, for me moving
forward.
So there you go.
Who knows?
2026 for me is the year of thebamboo.
All right, thank you forlistening, everybody.
I do appreciate it.
As I said, YouTube, the show isnow on YouTube.
So if you've got any mates thatmaybe uh would like to listen,
(24:04):
but as I said, don't haveSpotify or Apple Podcasts.
You can now listen to the showall episodes on YouTube, and
very soon the dysregulated dailyseries is coming, and that is
going to be absolutely awesome.
All right, thank you forlistening, everybody.
If you're enjoying the show,feel free to like, subscribe,
give the show a great ratingbecause it's good for the
(24:26):
algorithm, and you can share theshow around with your mates, and
it's now on YouTube, and you canfollow me on Instagram at
elliott.t.waters.
You can follow the show onFacebook by searching for the
dysregulated podcast.
All right, have a great newyear's, everybody, and I'll talk
to you soon.
See you later.
G'day everybody, my name is Ellie Waters, and you're
listening to the DISS RegulatorPodcast.
As always, thank you for tuningin.
Alright, today is New Year'sDay, so I just want to say very
quickly happy New Year's to allof you, my amazing listeners.
You guys are all a bunch oflegends.
Thank you for your support in2025 as we look forward to this
(00:32):
year 2026.
Now, I suppose it's at thispoint that I should be telling
you all about my goals for 2026,the sort of direction that I
want to be heading in.
And I'll do that briefly, but Ireally want to focus mostly on I
guess the goals that I'm leavingbehind and not looking.
You know, there's some areas inmy life that are not going as I
(00:57):
would have liked.
And I was sort of hoping some ofthese areas that I'll talk about
in a minute might have improvedin 2025, but unfortunately that
hasn't seemed to be the case.
So as a result, I guess I'mre-adjusting my focus to goals
that I believe are definitelyattainable if I put the work in.
(01:17):
So that's the plan.
So the goals that I want to tryand achieve, excuse me, want to
achieve, that I'm trying toachieve is definitely related to
career.
It's all mostly career sort ofstuff.
Um, so I want to get back intothe transport industry.
So that's driving trucks orloading trucks with forklifts,
(01:37):
all that sort of stuff.
So I want to get out of retailif possible and get back into
transport and logistics.
And the reason I want to do thatis because I want to then
combine my other fixationbecause transport is definitely
one of my fixations.
Who would have thought, youknow, autism, loving trucks and
trains?
Crazy, unheard of.
Um, but my other fixation is ofcourse mental health, which is
(02:01):
why I'm talking to you right nowon this platform.
And the goal is to try and getthem to be together, to marry
them up.
Because one of the goals thatI'm leaving behind is marriage.
So I want to try and change thatconstruct a little bit and make
it a career sort of goal, andthen marriage is back on the
(02:22):
table again, but not in the waythat I guess most people would
associate it.
So, what I mean by marrying upis I want to get back into the
transport industry, but then Iwant to do some research in the
industry from a mental healthpsychology point of view.
So that's combining my twofixations, and I want to get
back into the industry drivingor loading trucks or whatever.
(02:43):
Um, well, not whatever, but Iwant to get back, you know, in
the coal face sort of thing ofthe industry, so I can try and
drive some cultural change fromwithin because I'm pretty
confident that it's going to bevery difficult to try and change
attitudes in the transportindustry.
Very hard men and women in thetransport industry, um, if I
(03:06):
can't prove my credentials as atransport operator myself.
Now, of course, previously in aformer career of mine, I have
done all of that that I'mtalking about, but I want to now
really expand, I guess, myabilities as an operator and get
more experience, um, potentiallyinterstate sort of work,
(03:26):
definitely line hall stuff,semi-trailer, B double sort of
stuff.
So when I'm talking to transportmen and women, they know that I
know what it's like to do whatthey do.
And then hopefully I'll be ableto drive the cultural change as
far as mental health isconcerned.
Because unfortunately, in thetransport and logistics industry
(03:47):
here in Australia, uh, themental health outcomes are not
very good.
So there was some data released,uh probably two, three months
ago now, um, and uh it rankedall the main industries in
Australia as far as the mentalhealth outcomes are concerned,
the metrics that they use.
I can't remember the metricsthat they use, but the results
(04:08):
were pretty compelling.
And out of the 13 mainindustries in Australia,
transport and logistics rankednumber 13.
So that tells me there's somereal well cultural issues in the
industry, structural issues inthe industry, um, but also tells
me there's some greatopportunity for change because
(04:29):
um unfortunately uh the the needis definitely there, but I want
to be a leader of that change.
And to do so, I've got to getback into the industry, I've got
to get back to the coal face,doing night shift, you know,
sorting freight, driving trucks,doing deliveries, all that sort
of stuff.
And then hopefully from thatreally solid foundation, I'll be
(04:50):
able to then use my mentalhealth and psychology
credentials to then drive changein the industry.
That is the plan.
That is the big goal for 2026.
So, as far as the researchmental health stuff is
concerned, I am hoping that maymean a PhD at some point.
But at the same time, to be ableto do a PhD, I need to regulate
(05:13):
my nervous system much betterthan I do at the moment because
the anxiety that I have everyday, unfortunately, um, tells me
that if I was to do a PhD, sayright now, things would crumble.
And I know this because I'vedone my honours thesis in
psychology and things didcrumble that year.
Although I got dragged acrossthe line kicking and screaming,
(05:35):
thank you to my supervisor,Associate Professor Miles Young,
who I'm gonna get on the showsoon.
Um it was a very difficult year,and a PhD is that times 100.
So, you know, for me to be ableto achieve these goals that I'm
talking about, um, I need to getmy fundamentals correct.
And that involves um keepingkeeping myself regulated and
(05:59):
within healthy parametersbecause another goal of mine for
2026 is certainly not to go backto hospital for mental health
reasons again.
That's the plan, really movingforward for the rest of my life.
I don't want to go and stay inpsychiatric wards anymore.
I want to leave that behind, notthe memories or the experiences
(06:20):
gained or the wisdom, anythinglike that, and certainly not the
people that I met along the way.
Um, but I do want to leave thepsychiatric ward credential
stuff behind because I thinkit's time to launch and it's
time to live a life that's worthliving.
You know what I mean?
That's the big plan.
I've spoken about it before.
(06:42):
It's all about living a lifethat's worth living.
And for me, my meaning andpurpose, which is unbelievably
important for everybody, butwill be different for everybody.
But for me, my meaning andpurpose certainly is about
improving um mental healthoutcomes in whatever, I guess,
industry or community that I'min.
But this year and for the nextfew years in particular, the
(07:04):
focus will be on transport andlogistics and of course my own
Newcastle community and you guyshere on the podcast as well.
So this is the plan as far asthe podcast goes.
Very soon I'm about to launch anew series.
It's on YouTube.
So if you're not aware, YouTubehas all the dysregulated podcast
(07:26):
episodes now.
So if there's a friend of yoursthat wants to listen to the show
but doesn't have Spotify ordoesn't have Apple Podcasts, you
can now listen to all episodeson YouTube.
They're all uploaded there now.
So go check that out if you'dlike to.
Um, but also I'm gonna start avideo series.
It's called Disregulated Daily,um, and it's gonna be all about
(07:48):
my day-to-day fluctuations anddysregulation as far as my mood
is concerned, because this isthe thing, and I'm gonna explain
this more in a in a uh, I guess,an introductory episode for the
dysregulated daily series.
But the thing is, every day forme is a battle, every single
day.
But the days that I'm able torecord, I've said this before,
(08:11):
the days I'm able to record,usually I'm feeling pretty good.
And that's great, that's reallygood.
But a lot of the wisdom and Ithink the experiences that I
want people to see is me whenthings are not going well,
because there's a lot of lessonsto be learned from that as well,
and that's maybe not capturedhere on the podcast in full
(08:33):
because I am only able really toproduce episodes when I'm
feeling good.
So the dysregulated daily seriesis going to be a very quick,
like five-minute sort of videoevery single day, every day.
That's the whole point, becauseI am dysregulated daily, so
every day I want to do afive-minute little video and
just give you all an update onhow I'm going that day because
(08:55):
you're going to see even more ofmy living experience, and you're
going to see as well, I guessunfortunately, but in some ways
it's good.
And this, you know, and this ishow I'm trying to justify my bad
days, I suppose.
But my bad days are now going tobe captured, and we can all look
at my bad days together.
(09:15):
And that's the thing, see,because a lot of you guys may be
having a few bad days here andthere as well.
Um, and I want you to know, andI want everyone to know, that
they're not alone when it comesto mental illness.
And I really think this videoseries is going to show, I
guess, the other side of me thatI talk about, but maybe don't
(09:36):
experience in real time as I'mtalking to you here on the show
because I am feeling usuallypretty good.
So the dysregulated daily seriesis not going to be a reflection
on my life.
It's going to be a vr uh, excuseme, a reflection on that
particular day.
And there's going to be dayswhere I'm laying in bed and all
I'm going to do is to like a10-second video saying, Yep, I'm
(09:58):
alive, but this is hell.
I'll talk to you tomorrow.
You know, I can see those daysare coming.
Um, and although those days arevery, very difficult,
unbelievably difficult, um, Ithink there's a lot of a lot of
value to be found.
And again, a lot of wisdom andlessons.
And um, I want to use thoseexperiences for good and to show
(10:20):
people that they're not alone,that I am definitely in the
trenches with you, that is forsure.
Um, but we can use our bad days,our tough days, to really, I
guess, build the foundation forthe good days.
Because I do think you need tohave some bad to have some good,
you know.
It's all about balance, andthat's what life is all about.
(10:40):
Some days are good, some daysare not so good.
But when you've got complexmental illnesses like I do,
those bad days can be really badand dangerous.
But as I said, I think there's alot of value to be gained from
seeing me in those states, andI'm very excited.
And oh, I've got to admit, I'mI'm looking forward to my next
(11:01):
bad day.
No, I'm not really.
Um, but at the same time, itwill be very enlightening, I
think, and revealing.
I think there'll be a lot ofinsights to be seen.
So that's exciting.
Dysregulated Daily, that iscoming very, very soon on
YouTube.
Keep an eye out for that.
If you've got me on social mediaum at elliott.t.waters on
(11:22):
Instagram or by searching thedysregulated podcast on
Facebook.
Um, I will be updating the videoseries there as well.
So keep an eye out for that.
Alright, that's the good stuff.
I think I've ticked it all off.
And yeah, you know, yes, I wantto get back into running, I want
to get to the gym, I want to getfitter again and get rid of this
(11:42):
gut that I've developed.
That's the thing with some ofthese um these uh medications,
they can um have a profoundeffect on your waistline.
Now, very quickly, because thisisn't the point of this episode,
but you know, I've been onallanzepine, I've been on
quatiapine or seracol, and bothof those are renowned for
(12:03):
putting weight on people.
Now, when I was on both, Iactually lost weight.
So there you go, that's unusual.
But now I'm on metazopine, theuh tetracyclic antidepressant,
old school, but you know, goodstuff, and quite um, yeah, yeah,
it's popular as far as beingprescribed is concerned because
it's a good medication.
But one of the main side effectsis weight gain.
(12:25):
And I thought I would avoid allthat because you know the
ceracol and the alazepine umnever put weight on me, and
they're you know, they'recertainly renowned for it, uh
especially a lanzepine.
Um, and it never happened.
So I was like, oh yeah,metazpine, she'll be right, you
know, all good.
But no, I am looking a littlebit chubby.
(12:45):
So um I I do have that goal, Iguess, that everybody does too,
which is to try and get a bitfitter and get in shape a little
bit more and do all that sort ofstuff.
So, but anyway, that's the planfor 2026, which is to really
focus on career, get back intothe transport industry, um, and
really get back, you know, intothe real essence of the
(13:09):
transport industry, you know,night shift stuff, loading,
express freight, all that sortof stuff.
I want to get back into that andum really build those
credentials so I can have areally strong foundation and
platform to be able to try anddrive change in the industry as
far as mental health isconcerned, because stigma is a
huge thing in the transport andlogistics industry, but I'm
(13:32):
pretty determined to do what Ican to nullify that where
possible.
So stay tuned for that.
They're big goals, lofty goals,you know.
Like this is big stuff.
Um, and to say I'm a little bitnervous would be an
understatement, but at the sametime, I'm very committed to this
idea and I think um I think it'sgot wheels, you know.
I really do.
And I really want to help peopleum who are doing it tough but
(13:55):
maybe don't feel as thoughthey're in a position to change
their their outlook or theirlife circumstances, um, and also
people who feel as though theyare alone because um we're all
on this journey together, youknow, and if we try and help
each other along, I think um Ithink that'd be good for all of
us.
So, and we can really, you know,do what we can to help um those
(14:19):
people in our communities thatare doing it tough because
there's plenty of people thatare doing it tough.
Um, and if you're one of them,trust me, I'm with you, I'm in
the trenches next to you, we'rein this together, and the
dysregulated daily series isreally going to showcase that, I
think, and it's gonna be great.
Um, even if a lot of thematerial, unfortunately, may be
depressing.
(14:39):
But hey, that's my life, youknow.
You guys have been listening fora while, I'd say a lot of you,
the majority.
Um, hello to the new listeners,by the way.
But um, you know, that's that'sthe thing.
Uh, this is called thedysregulated podcast for a good
reason.
That's because my life isdysregulated.
I have some good times, youknow, I have a lot of flat times
(15:00):
at the moment, lots of flattimes, um, but I'm still having
a lot of really rough days aswell.
But I want to really, reallyshow that because um, yeah, I
think there's a lot to be gainedfrom it.
Um now shifting quickly tothings that I'm not focusing on
in 2026 that maybe previously Ihave.
So last night, New Year's Eve,so I was in bed by nine o'clock.
(15:23):
Um, like serious, I was in bedat nine o'clock.
I've woken up at quarter pastten because someone was letting
firecrackers off.
Um, but as I was going to bed, Iwas popping all the pills that I
was having.
I was having my clamipromine, Iwas having my metazopine, I was
having my pregabolin, I washaving, you know, clonidine, all
of them.
Um and I was popping all thesepills and I was reflecting on
(15:43):
the fact that I have to pop allthese pills to be somewhat happy
and safe from that um, you know,that real bad storm that can
occur, you know, the wholesuicidal ideation thing and
everything that goes with that.
Um and I was thinking how it's,you know, I used to think it was
unfair that I have to do allthis just to be somewhat happy
(16:05):
and positive where other peoplemaybe don't, but that's not
really how I feel about anymore.
I'm not I'm not jealous of otherpeople or bitter at other
people, maybe like I used to be,but I still am quite, I guess,
disappointed and sad in the factthat I have to do all these
things just to pretend, justsorry, be able to pretend to put
a smile on my face, you know.
(16:26):
Like it's I don't know, it'ssort of sad, and I was thinking
of my inner child a bit, whichI've been doing a little bit
more lately, and yeah, I don'tknow.
I just it there's a lot ofthings that I wish were
different, and it's um it's it'shard.
It it's it's very hard.
It's that's you know, it's hardto feel as though you're being
(16:46):
left behind, I suppose, by life.
And that's how I feel.
I'm 35 now, you know, I'msingle, and I can't see that
really changing.
Um, and that's one of the goalsthat I don't have for 2026.
I don't have the goal anymore ofof finding my partner, my wife,
um, and the person who would bepotentially the mother of my
children is just not on my radaranymore.
(17:09):
Um, and it's pretty sad, youknow.
Like I I I yeah, I th I think ofmy inner child, and I I I guess
I carry, you know, me this selfright now as I'm talking as a
35-year-old, I guess I carry alot of guilt and shame and I
guess regret as well.
Um, but at the same time,because I am now aware that I've
(17:33):
got these mental illnesses and Ididn't certain you know, I
certainly didn't choose to havethem, but um that's the reality
I've got to face, and it's justyeah, I guess my mindset has
changed from like guilt, shameand regret to just sadness
because yeah, I I don't know,that inner child's a good kid,
you know, and I'd like to thinkI'm a good person as I sit here
(17:58):
talking to you right now.
I'd like to think that, youknow, I I try and do what I can
for other people and and youknow improve whatever it is I've
got control over around me andmake things a bit easier for
people.
And I guess I just wish I hadthat ability for my inner child,
and you know, because I thinkthat inner child is longing for
(18:20):
that that relationship, thatpartner in crime, those children
to play with, you know what Imean?
Like, and I I just don't know ifthat's gonna happen anymore.
And yeah, it's pretty sad, youknow.
It's not a good thing to bereflecting on at nine o'clock on
New Year's Eve as I'm poppingall the pills and medications
that I've got to take.
(18:40):
It's I don't know, it's a bitsad that yeah, it's there's no
one to sort of share the newyear with.
And every year I guess I I longfor that.
Some years I've been luckyenough to be with a partner, but
for the majority I haven't.
Um but this year I noticed areal shift in my thinking that
(19:01):
there's I guess don't get mewrong, like there's still hope,
you know.
I feel as though there's hopefor me in the future,
definitely, you know.
That's why I want to changecareers and really go after
these this stigma in thetransport industry and stuff,
you know.
Like that's coming from a placewhere there is this belief that
there is hope.
Um, but when I look at thingslike relationships and families
(19:24):
and stuff of my own, um, yeah,the hope's just about gone.
So, you know, I guess I'm tryingto redirect my energies towards
things that I believe there is achance.
So that's why the focus is goingto be so much on career and my
goals in transport and my goalsin mental health and
(19:45):
psychological research.
Um, that's where my energies aregoing.
And this year I'm going to pivotaway, I think, from this idea of
a family and a wife because Ijust don't think I just don't
think it's a good use of myenergy.
Now Don't get me wrong, I'm notsort of, you know, putting up
well, my walls are up.
You know, I've got B Ped E,like, come on, you know, like my
(20:07):
walls are very high, but at thesame time, they're not
completely shut.
I'm still open to the idea thatmaybe someone will, you know,
maybe someone's circle will comeinto contact with mine, and who
knows, you know, those amazingthings may happen, but yeah, I I
just don't think it's a smartway to spend my energy.
(20:27):
And I think there's otheravenues in which there's more
chance and more hope.
But, you know, it's it's sad.
It's very sad because everyonearound me seems to be able to
have what I want.
And, you know, and don't get mewrong, again, I'm not bitter or
jaded about it like I guess Iused to be, because I am
unbelievably happy uh for thosepeople who have got their
(20:50):
families and mortgages and stufflike that, you know.
But yeah, like I'm still sittinghere recording the podcast at my
parents' place where I'm livingbecause, you know, I haven't
been able to launch properly,and it's not through lack of
trying, that's for sure.
And I don't want to put all theblame on my mental illnesses,
but look, you know, it explainsa lot.
(21:11):
Um, but it's sad.
And unfortunately, aroundChristmas and the new year, um,
and because my birthday's inOctober, so the end of the year
is always a bit difficult for mebecause there's a lot of
reflection going on.
There's a lot of things I'm notparticularly happy about, and
there's a lot of pain that isassociated with that, but you
know, it is what it is, I guess.
So you just gotta roll with thepunches.
(21:33):
As Oasis said, you just gottaroll with it, you know, and
that's what I'm gonna try anddo.
And um, and I'm gonna focus myenergies to the places where I
think I can make real change.
But at the same time, don't getme wrong, like the fact that I'm
pivoting away from the dream ofa family is not something that
I've come to, you know, likeovernight.
(21:54):
This is a very long and has beena very long drawn-out process to
get to this point.
And in some ways, I guess I'mrelieved because there's a lot
of pressure off now, becausethat's not I guess in my in my
set of goals, but it's very,very sad for my inner child
because yeah, I I think thatthat kid deserves a family of
(22:17):
his own, you know, and and somekids to play with, but I don't
know.
It doesn't appear as though it'sgoing to happen.
So that's the plan.
The plan is to pivot my energiestowards the things that I
believe I can make change withand I can sort of control my own
destiny in some ways, and I'mletting go of the things that
(22:39):
possibly just won't be able tobecome a reality, and it's um
it's pretty sad.
But at the same time, you know,it's time to rip in.
It's time to rip in, everybody,because I don't want to be
recording this podcast from mysister's bedroom at my mum and
dad's place, you know.
I want to be able to move outand have a place of my own, at
(23:02):
least rent a place of my own, soI can have that degree of
independence again because um Iam craving that big time.
Uh, and I think it's got tohappen this year.
It's gotta be 2026 is gonna behuge.
My my supervisor at uni, um,Miles Young, that I mentioned
very briefly before, he said hehe told me a little anecdote
(23:23):
about um bamboo, how supposedlyum bamboo is in the ground for I
think I'm getting this right, isin the ground for seven years,
and then all of a sudden itshows itself.
Um and he said that he believesthat this is the year that I
come out of the ground and Iguess show myself.
So this is the year of thebamboo.
(23:44):
Um bamboo is gonna be a bigtheme, I think, for me moving
forward.
So there you go.
Who knows?
2026 for me is the year of thebamboo.
All right, thank you forlistening, everybody.
I do appreciate it.
As I said, YouTube, the show isnow on YouTube.
So if you've got any mates thatmaybe uh would like to listen,
(24:04):
but as I said, don't haveSpotify or Apple Podcasts.
You can now listen to the showall episodes on YouTube, and
very soon the dysregulated dailyseries is coming, and that is
going to be absolutely awesome.
All right, thank you forlistening, everybody.
If you're enjoying the show,feel free to like, subscribe,
give the show a great ratingbecause it's good for the
(24:26):
algorithm, and you can share theshow around with your mates, and
it's now on YouTube, and you canfollow me on Instagram at
elliott.t.waters.
You can follow the show onFacebook by searching for the
dysregulated podcast.
All right, have a great newyear's, everybody, and I'll talk
to you soon.
See you later.
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