Fortnightly Check-In #45 - Still Waiting

Send Me a Message!

When silence falls on The Dysregulated Podcast, it usually means something's amiss. Today, I'm breaking that silence with a raw, unfiltered check-in from the front seat of my car at Nobbys Beach during an East Coast Low storm system. Despite feeling spaced-out and fatigued, I needed to let you know: I'm still here, still fighting.

The past week has been unlike anything I've experienced before – mood swings cycling every 5-10 seconds, bouncing between slightly depressed and deeply depressed states all day long. It's left me completely drained. Yet here I am, forcing myself awake when I'd normally be sleeping for days, seeking mindfulness in the midst of a coastal storm. There's something about standing in driving rain and howling wind that grounds me completely in the present moment – perhaps my own unique form of meditation.

My journey to taper off psychiatric medications remains stalled, with NSW Health not providing the responses I'd hoped for. I'm exploring Plan B, C, and D options, though doing this without proper support feels daunting. The contrast couldn't be starker when it comes to therapy – I've experienced major breakthroughs with Internal Family Systems therapy that I can't wait to share once I can properly articulate them. Watch for upcoming therapy reflection episodes where I'll dive deep into these transformative sessions. For those who've been worried about my silence, thank you for your concern. This path isn't linear, but I'm still trucking along. Have you found unexpected sources of mindfulness in your own journey? Share your experiences in the comments or reach out directly.

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Follow my journey living with mental illness and the hard-fought lessons learned along the way. Lived experience is the driving force of this podcast, and through this lens, my stories are told. 
This is a raw, honest, and authentic account of how multiple psychological disorders have shaped my past and continue to influence my future.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 0 (00:14):
Good day everybody.
My name is Elliot Waters andyou're listening to the
Dysregulated Podcast.
As always, thank you for tuningin.
So just a real quick check-into see how things have been
travelling.
I have wanted to do an episodeall week because there's been
some big stuff going on insidemy brain and I'm going to talk
about that properly when I havethe mental fortitude to do so.

(00:34):
The thing is at the momenttoday is Monday.
Often I would be asleep all daytoday, but I'm not.
I've forced myself awake but asa result I'm very spaced out
and I wouldn't exactly say I'mcompletely with it at the moment
.
So this episode is more of acheck-in to say Elliot's okay,
because it's been a while sinceI've uploaded and we know that's
never a good sign.
So Elliot is okay, things havenot been moving, but at the same

(01:00):
time there's things been.
That doesn't even make sense.
Let me try that again.
As far as getting offmedications and all that stuff
is concerned, there's been noreal movement.
So we've stalled.
I've got my theories as to whyand I've got my ideas of how to
get out of it.
But again, when I've got themental fortitude to go through
that story, I will ASAP.

(01:20):
But the week just gone has beenreally rough up and down, up and
down, up and down.
I've never had rapid moodswings like I did last week.
It was hell Unbelievable howtiring and fatigue-inducing it
is for your mood to be choppingand changing every five to 10
seconds, seriously every five to10 seconds, all day.

(01:42):
Up and down, up and down, upand down.
And when I say up, the up isn'tlike euphoria the up is
slightly depressed and the downis very, very depressed.
You know what I mean.
So I'm still bouncing aroundbelow zero, if that makes sense.
It was a very, very difficultweek and I got through it.
But there's a lot of lessons Ithink have been learned and I
want to go through them with youbecause I need to conceptualize

(02:05):
a bit what happened Because, asI said last week, I've never
had mood swings as rapid as thatand that's going to take a bit
to unpack.
Let me tell you right now.
But anyway, I'm not going to dothat right now because I am
still very fatigued from theweek.
That was Today's Monday.
Often I'd be asleep right now,doing my whole two days of sleep
thing, but I forced myselfawake.

(02:26):
I'm awake, but I am a bit offwith the fairies and I'm also
getting sick.
That's another thing.
Having been sick in monthsfeels like I'm getting sick.
So if I'm not as clear as usual, it's because I'm more blocked
up, which is really annoying,because I don't know about you
guys, but a lot of my copingstrategies, my best coping

(02:46):
adaptations, involve doing stuffthat is physical.
So being in bed, for example,sick, really makes things
difficult as far as copingstrategies go.
Now, don't worry, I'm not in bedsick, I'm not at that point and
hopefully I won't get there.
In fact, I'm at Nombie's Beachhere in Newcastle and there's an
East Coast low that's beenhovering around the city and

(03:08):
there's flood warnings out,extreme weather warnings and, of
course, me being impulsive andlooking for that hit.
I've decided to go right intoKnobby's Beach and look at this
East Coast low front on and saybring it on baby.
So yeah, a bit silly, probablyprobably not, but I'm not the
only person here.
There's a few people here, soit's not just me.
Um, and I really do like extremeweather events and this one is

(03:31):
proving to be a doozy, so Idon't want to miss out and
that's one of the reasons why Iforced myself awake, which was
so hard and honestly I couldfall asleep right now, but I'm
not going to.
But part of it was because Idon't want to miss out on this.
You know this is, I don't know.
People talk about likegratitude and stuff with like
sunsets and all that sort ofstuff.

(03:51):
I feel a lot of gratitude,excuse me.
I feel a lot of gratitude forthese extreme sort of weather
events.
I don't know, maybe that'sdifferent than the norm, but
that's what I'm doing and yeah,so I'm sitting in my car.
So if you can hear the rain andstuff coming down, and yeah, so
I'm sitting in my car, so ifyou can hear the rain and stuff
coming down, it's because I'm inmy car.
I'm recording on my phone.
This is gritty, this is raw, andI'm here because I don't know,
I'm very spaced out, reallyspaced out.

(04:13):
Today's been a tough day.
It's not been the up and downup and down like last week was.
Today's just been sort of down,maybe not down as extreme as
what last week got to, but Idefinitely wouldn't say I'm in a
great headspace currently, butwatching this storm come in is,
for me, a bit of gratitude andit gets my mind away from other

(04:34):
things.
This is a bit of mindfulness,especially when I step out and
stand in the rain.
That, my friends, ismindfulness, because there's not
much more you can think aboutthan getting drenched and
getting blown away, because thisstorm is quite a doozy.
But anyway, that's all for mefor now.
I've got lots more things to say.
I haven't even mentioned at allthe latest.

(04:55):
When it comes to me gettingpsychiatric care to taper of
medications.
There's stories to tell aboutthat, but then at the same time,
there's not much, very much, ina holding pattern at this stage
.
I've tried and reached out toNew South Wales Health and I
haven't quite got the responsesthat I've been looking for.
So I've been looking at otherways to try and do this, to try

(05:17):
and taper off these medicationsPlan B, plan C, plan D, sort of
stuff but it's proving very,very difficult and I really
don't want to have to do this inthe community.
But anyway, that's aconversation for a different
episode.
My therapy reflections.
There's a big one of themcoming.
I'm actually going to thepsychologist now, tomorrow.

(05:37):
I got in, which is great,because last week has been
really difficult and today hasalso been difficult.
So it's good that I've got thispsychology appointment tomorrow
, because I think I really needto deload a bit or unload or
whatever you want to call itdownload, upload, whatever.
I need to get it out, andtomorrow will be a good

(05:58):
opportunity to do that.
And when I'm feeling a bit moreswitched on, there's some big
episodes coming.
Let me tell you.
They're all written out, it'sall ready to go.
I just need to be in the frameof mind where my inner critic
and imposter syndrome don't pushme too hard, where they make me
shut down and not do anythingat all.
So you know, that's what I'vebeen battling today.
That's why I'm recording on thephone right now, because this

(06:19):
is very spontaneous, spur of themoment, sort of stuff.
But it's important that I getthis out there.
I am okay, don't worryeverybody.
I am okay, although there'sbeen a bit of a silence, a bit
of a period with silence.
I know that that usually meansnot good things and
unfortunately it's been adifficult week and a half, but
at the same time I'm stilltrucking, baby, don't you worry
about that.

(06:40):
So thank you everybody forlistening.
I'll be recording, as I said, mytherapy reflections.
There's going to be at leasttwo of them coming very soon.
I might do them back to backeven as well, because huge gains
have been made in therapy,which is great, which is
brilliant.
So the medication stuff there'sbeen no real gains on that
front at all, but when it comesto therapy, big time, big gains,

(07:03):
and I can't wait to tell youall about it, when I can
conceptualize it myself and comeup with a good way to convey
what's been going on.
Because again, we're looking attherapies like internal family
systems therapy, which is veryimaginative.
So it is hard to convey whatwas all going on.
But I'm going to give it mybest shot when I'm feeling

(07:25):
sharper again.
All right, thank you everybodyfor listening.
I do appreciate it and I'll seeyou hopefully very, very soon
here again on the DisregulatedPodcast.