June 4, 2025 • 8 mins
Follow my journey through the chaos of mental illness and the hard-fought lessons learned along the way.
Lived experience is at the heart of this podcast — every episode told through my own lens, with raw honesty and zero filter.
This is a genuine and vulnerable account of how multiple psychological disorders have shaped my past and continue to influence my future.
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You can follow me on Instagram: @elliot.t.waters
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 0 (00:10):
G'day everybody.
My name is Elliot Waters andyou're listening to the
Dysregulator podcast.
As always, thank you for tuningin.
If you're enjoying the show,feel free to like, subscribe,
give us a great rating and youcan share it around with your
mates.
And you can follow me onInstagram at elliotttwaters.
All right, so I'm coming to youon my dinner break.
This is how hard of a work I am.
(00:31):
I'm even recording on my breakat work.
I don't know if you can hear therain, but it's raining, which
is no surprise.
I'll tell you, the lastfortnight, the last couple of
weeks, last six weeks maybe, ithas just rained like every day.
(00:52):
It has been brutal, it has beengrim and it's pouring rain
again.
It's freezing cold weather.
It's been a shocking start inthe winter.
So, yeah, so I'm in the car,I'm recording.
It's raining outside again.
I used to like the rain onceupon a time, but this has become
a bit too much.
It's just so much of it.
It's just like sunny days havebeen fleeting, fleeting at best.
I've never, I don't think,lived through a consistent
(01:13):
period where it's rained sooften and so consistently.
I don't think this, to me, isnew territory.
I don't know if this is climatechange or what.
All I know is it's grim weatherand I'm feeling it, and not
just me either.
I talk to a lot of people andeveryone's just over it, just
over the rain, the gray, thecold.
It's just terrible.
It's interesting.
(01:34):
So I'm sure we've all heard ofseasonal affective disorder,
which is when you have adepression that comes on during
the winter months.
But usually, or as far as Iunderstand it, seasonal
affective disorder is more to dowith sunlight or lack of.
But for me, I've always foundit's not so much the lack of
sunlight that's been killer.
For me it's the temperature.
I don't care if it's sunny, butif it is freezing cold, it
(01:58):
doesn't matter.
I'm not loving it, and I'venever looked this up, and maybe
I will, I don't know because itbecomes more and more of a theme
of my life this whole.
It gets cold and I get really,really depressed because it's
true, it happens, it's happeningagain.
Things have been really hard thelast couple of weeks.
It's getting colder, it'sgetting into winter.
This is not my time of year,not at all.
(02:20):
But hey, you got to do what yougot to do and that's why I'm
here in my car with the raincoming down, it's single digit
weather and I'm talking to youright now and making something
of today, which I am because I'mat work today, but like this
will.
This will hopefully get me in aslightly better headspace,
because today has been it's beena hard one today.
The last two weeks has beendifficult.
(02:41):
I don't want to sound like abroken record I don't but at the
same time, not much has changed.
I'm still in this whole holdingpattern, waiting for some
mental health professional totake me under their wing and
show me some guidance so I canget off these medications and
possibly look for some new workand get back into the transport
(03:01):
industry.
That's the plan, but I can't doit while I'm on all these meds
because it's red flags go up andeveryone's like, nah, we can't
have you.
It's not good for insurance andthe New South Wales Transport
Government.
They don't like it when you'reon any psychotic medications and
wanting to drive trucks, andthat's sort of what I want to do
, or at least get back into itfor a little bit.
(03:24):
So I need to get off these medsand the fact that I feel
terrible and this last two weeks, there's no change During this
last fortnight, a few episodesago, you would have heard that I
was at the Marta Hospitalbegging for some sort of
resolution to this wholemedication problem, because I'm
at my wits end and I am, I am,and one of these days the
(03:44):
pressure just keeps building.
The pressure keeps building.
There is no release, while Ifeel as though I'm not moving in
life at all.
There is no release of thispressure that is building and
it's getting to a point whereI'm getting a little bit
concerned.
Finally, I'm getting concernedabout what's going to happen
because I don't know.
I'm telling you the negativethoughts.
(04:05):
They're coming on.
They're getting stronger andstronger as the rainy days build
up.
The pressure inside builds upas I don't move and progress in
my career, and that wordpotential follows me around.
And I've just had a gutful andI'm about to blow.
I'm telling you, I'm about toblow and I'm on all these
medications and I still feellike rubbish.
So let's get off the meds andsee what we're really dealing
(04:26):
with.
That's the plan, as you know,and then maybe I can change the
direction of my career and I canwork in a place that's maybe a
little bit more in line with mymeaning and purpose Not that
there's any problems with meworking here at Bunnings, except
for the fact that you know thepurpose of working here was to
get me through my degree, andthat was like three all my
(04:49):
transport history and employmenthistory in the industry, and my
goal and my dream ofsynergizing both the mental
health world and the transportworld.
Obviously, I won't go through itall now, but anyway, that's the
general idea of what I want todo, but at the moment I'm not
moving because I have noconfidence, because my anxiety,
(05:11):
my fear of life is so great, andthese winter months are just
going to drag on.
These dreary, cold, rainy daysjust keep building.
The pressure keeps building.
As I'm not going anywhere, Ifeel as though I'm sinking and
it's all going to blow, unless amental health professional, for
God's sakes, grabs me and goesElliot, here's the plan to get
(05:32):
off the meds.
Then we'll reassess.
You might go back on some,which I'm fully prepared to do.
We know the story.
The problem is, though, theheadline of this episode and the
fact that I feel like garbagestill is because there's been no
sort of movements to any ofthose goals, any of those goals
I just rattled off.
Oh, I'm so tired.
I'm so tired and just got I gotnothing.
(05:53):
I got nothing, but hey, I'vegot this episode out.
I had to do this, or else I'lltell you, today would have been
a complete write-off, or atleast it would have felt like
that, even though I'm doing afull day's work.
That doesn't count.
So I really really needed to dothis, just to get the monkey
off the back, and I've now doneit, which is great.
So, to sum up, the last twoweeks have been horrendous.
(06:13):
The weather is horrendous.
That's not helping my plan,because it's just ticked over
into winter this week, the startof this week.
So you know like the plan was,I wouldn't be here at Bunnings
working at night in this cold,rainy winter's weather, but
unfortunately I'm still here,and the reason for that is
because I'm stuck.
I'm still here, and the reasonfor that is because I'm stuck.
(06:35):
I'm frozen, not just becauseit's so cold, but because I'm so
anxious and I do not have thecapacity to do anything about my
current situation, or at leastit doesn't feel like it, and I
really want someone in themental health area that knows
what they're doing to say Elliot, let's get you back on track,
follow this plan.
It's going to be hard, but ifyou stick with it, the results
(06:56):
and the rewards will be there.
That is all I want and, as weknow, if you've listened to the
last couple of episodes, I ammaking no progress on that front
whatsoever.
So that is another very happy,cheery episode that I'm so glad
that I've been able to bring toyou, which I am.
I am glad I've been able tobring this to you and I'm not
going to sugarcoat these things.
(07:17):
At the moment my life sucks.
My life is so just, oh, it'sjust grim, and the thing is it's
probably objectively not as badas I feel, but that doesn't
matter.
There's no objectivity aboutthis at all.
It's all subjective.
And subjectively, this BPD lensor this mental illness lens,
(07:37):
whatever you want to call it I'mnot seeing anything good.
I'm seeing lots of gray and I'mlooking at all this rain coming
down.
I'm going to have to get backinto work, make the quick dash
from my car back inside and thenout to the yard out the back,
but it's going to be freezing.
I'm drenched, my feet are cold.
Who cares?
Elliot needs to stopcomplaining.
Thank you for listeningeverybody.
As always, I do appreciate it.
I've got to go, but I'll talkto you soon here on the show.
(08:01):
Coming up shortly will be thedischarge papers from my little
trip to the Mater Hospital abouta week and a half ago.
That is coming, probably next.
That will be next, when I havethe impetus and the energy and
the drive to do it.
And today, given this weatherand how cold it is, it was never
going to happen, so but anyway,but I've done a quick check-in.
It's great to talk to you.
(08:22):
As always, I'm going to stoprambling.
I'll talk to you here next timeon the Dysregulated Podcast
podcast.
G'day everybody.
My name is Elliot Waters andyou're listening to the
Dysregulator podcast.
As always, thank you for tuningin.
If you're enjoying the show,feel free to like, subscribe,
give us a great rating and youcan share it around with your
mates.
And you can follow me onInstagram at elliotttwaters.
All right, so I'm coming to youon my dinner break.
This is how hard of a work I am.
(00:31):
I'm even recording on my breakat work.
I don't know if you can hear therain, but it's raining, which
is no surprise.
I'll tell you, the lastfortnight, the last couple of
weeks, last six weeks maybe, ithas just rained like every day.
(00:52):
It has been brutal, it has beengrim and it's pouring rain
again.
It's freezing cold weather.
It's been a shocking start inthe winter.
So, yeah, so I'm in the car,I'm recording.
It's raining outside again.
I used to like the rain onceupon a time, but this has become
a bit too much.
It's just so much of it.
It's just like sunny days havebeen fleeting, fleeting at best.
I've never, I don't think,lived through a consistent
(01:13):
period where it's rained sooften and so consistently.
I don't think this, to me, isnew territory.
I don't know if this is climatechange or what.
All I know is it's grim weatherand I'm feeling it, and not
just me either.
I talk to a lot of people andeveryone's just over it, just
over the rain, the gray, thecold.
It's just terrible.
It's interesting.
(01:34):
So I'm sure we've all heard ofseasonal affective disorder,
which is when you have adepression that comes on during
the winter months.
But usually, or as far as Iunderstand it, seasonal
affective disorder is more to dowith sunlight or lack of.
But for me, I've always foundit's not so much the lack of
sunlight that's been killer.
For me it's the temperature.
I don't care if it's sunny, butif it is freezing cold, it
(01:58):
doesn't matter.
I'm not loving it, and I'venever looked this up, and maybe
I will, I don't know because itbecomes more and more of a theme
of my life this whole.
It gets cold and I get really,really depressed because it's
true, it happens, it's happeningagain.
Things have been really hard thelast couple of weeks.
It's getting colder, it'sgetting into winter.
This is not my time of year,not at all.
(02:20):
But hey, you got to do what yougot to do and that's why I'm
here in my car with the raincoming down, it's single digit
weather and I'm talking to youright now and making something
of today, which I am because I'mat work today, but like this
will.
This will hopefully get me in aslightly better headspace,
because today has been it's beena hard one today.
The last two weeks has beendifficult.
(02:41):
I don't want to sound like abroken record I don't but at the
same time, not much has changed.
I'm still in this whole holdingpattern, waiting for some
mental health professional totake me under their wing and
show me some guidance so I canget off these medications and
possibly look for some new workand get back into the transport
(03:01):
industry.
That's the plan, but I can't doit while I'm on all these meds
because it's red flags go up andeveryone's like, nah, we can't
have you.
It's not good for insurance andthe New South Wales Transport
Government.
They don't like it when you'reon any psychotic medications and
wanting to drive trucks, andthat's sort of what I want to do
, or at least get back into itfor a little bit.
(03:24):
So I need to get off these medsand the fact that I feel
terrible and this last two weeks, there's no change During this
last fortnight, a few episodesago, you would have heard that I
was at the Marta Hospitalbegging for some sort of
resolution to this wholemedication problem, because I'm
at my wits end and I am, I am,and one of these days the
(03:44):
pressure just keeps building.
The pressure keeps building.
There is no release, while Ifeel as though I'm not moving in
life at all.
There is no release of thispressure that is building and
it's getting to a point whereI'm getting a little bit
concerned.
Finally, I'm getting concernedabout what's going to happen
because I don't know.
I'm telling you the negativethoughts.
(04:05):
They're coming on.
They're getting stronger andstronger as the rainy days build
up.
The pressure inside builds upas I don't move and progress in
my career, and that wordpotential follows me around.
And I've just had a gutful andI'm about to blow.
I'm telling you, I'm about toblow and I'm on all these
medications and I still feellike rubbish.
So let's get off the meds andsee what we're really dealing
(04:26):
with.
That's the plan, as you know,and then maybe I can change the
direction of my career and I canwork in a place that's maybe a
little bit more in line with mymeaning and purpose Not that
there's any problems with meworking here at Bunnings, except
for the fact that you know thepurpose of working here was to
get me through my degree, andthat was like three all my
(04:49):
transport history and employmenthistory in the industry, and my
goal and my dream ofsynergizing both the mental
health world and the transportworld.
Obviously, I won't go through itall now, but anyway, that's the
general idea of what I want todo, but at the moment I'm not
moving because I have noconfidence, because my anxiety,
(05:11):
my fear of life is so great, andthese winter months are just
going to drag on.
These dreary, cold, rainy daysjust keep building.
The pressure keeps building.
As I'm not going anywhere, Ifeel as though I'm sinking and
it's all going to blow, unless amental health professional, for
God's sakes, grabs me and goesElliot, here's the plan to get
(05:32):
off the meds.
Then we'll reassess.
You might go back on some,which I'm fully prepared to do.
We know the story.
The problem is, though, theheadline of this episode and the
fact that I feel like garbagestill is because there's been no
sort of movements to any ofthose goals, any of those goals
I just rattled off.
Oh, I'm so tired.
I'm so tired and just got I gotnothing.
(05:53):
I got nothing, but hey, I'vegot this episode out.
I had to do this, or else I'lltell you, today would have been
a complete write-off, or atleast it would have felt like
that, even though I'm doing afull day's work.
That doesn't count.
So I really really needed to dothis, just to get the monkey
off the back, and I've now doneit, which is great.
So, to sum up, the last twoweeks have been horrendous.
(06:13):
The weather is horrendous.
That's not helping my plan,because it's just ticked over
into winter this week, the startof this week.
So you know like the plan was,I wouldn't be here at Bunnings
working at night in this cold,rainy winter's weather, but
unfortunately I'm still here,and the reason for that is
because I'm stuck.
I'm still here, and the reasonfor that is because I'm stuck.
(06:35):
I'm frozen, not just becauseit's so cold, but because I'm so
anxious and I do not have thecapacity to do anything about my
current situation, or at leastit doesn't feel like it, and I
really want someone in themental health area that knows
what they're doing to say Elliot, let's get you back on track,
follow this plan.
It's going to be hard, but ifyou stick with it, the results
(06:56):
and the rewards will be there.
That is all I want and, as weknow, if you've listened to the
last couple of episodes, I ammaking no progress on that front
whatsoever.
So that is another very happy,cheery episode that I'm so glad
that I've been able to bring toyou, which I am.
I am glad I've been able tobring this to you and I'm not
going to sugarcoat these things.
(07:17):
At the moment my life sucks.
My life is so just, oh, it'sjust grim, and the thing is it's
probably objectively not as badas I feel, but that doesn't
matter.
There's no objectivity aboutthis at all.
It's all subjective.
And subjectively, this BPD lensor this mental illness lens,
(07:37):
whatever you want to call it I'mnot seeing anything good.
I'm seeing lots of gray and I'mlooking at all this rain coming
down.
I'm going to have to get backinto work, make the quick dash
from my car back inside and thenout to the yard out the back,
but it's going to be freezing.
I'm drenched, my feet are cold.
Who cares?
Elliot needs to stopcomplaining.
Thank you for listeningeverybody.
As always, I do appreciate it.
I've got to go, but I'll talkto you soon here on the show.
(08:01):
Coming up shortly will be thedischarge papers from my little
trip to the Mater Hospital abouta week and a half ago.
That is coming, probably next.
That will be next, when I havethe impetus and the energy and
the drive to do it.
And today, given this weatherand how cold it is, it was never
going to happen, so but anyway,but I've done a quick check-in.
It's great to talk to you.
(08:22):
As always, I'm going to stoprambling.
I'll talk to you here next timeon the Dysregulated Podcast
podcast.
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