June 24, 2025 • 26 mins
I've been working on a deeply personal episode about retroactive jealousy, but my inner critic has been relentless in sabotaging my attempts to record it. This is going to be my most revealing episode yet, explaining how retroactive jealousy has been my borderline personality disorder's "weapon of choice" throughout my life. But as I explain in this episode, my mind is stopping me from getting on with the job! I also take a brief look at the current NSW mental health system and how it is affecting me (and others) and I report a slight decrease in one of my medications (which is a win!).
--
Follow my journey through the chaos of mental illness and the hard-fought lessons learned along the way.
Lived experience is at the heart of this podcast — every episode told through my own lens, with raw honesty and zero filter.
This is a genuine and vulnerable account of how multiple psychological disorders have shaped my past and continue to influence my future.
You can follow me on Instagram: @elliot.t.waters, and the show on Facebook!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 0 (00:12):
G'day everybody.
My name is Elliot Waters andyou're listening to the
Dysregulator podcast, as always,thank you for tuning in.
Alright, this isn't the episodethat I was planning on
publishing today.
The episode I was planning onpublishing is one that's coming
well.
Hopefully it's now the nextepisode.
It's on retroactive jealousy.
Retroactive jealousy, which is ahuge, a huge component of my
(00:35):
psyche, of my mental healthstory.
It has caused me so muchdistress and it also affects so
many other people as well,potentially at extreme ends of
the scale, like me.
Not always, though, but itseems to me that a lot of people
can relate to it and I reallywant to do a good job on this
retroactive jealousy episode.
(00:55):
And because so much of itrelates to my own story, like
this, potentially this ispotentially the most revealing
episode that I've ever done.
It will be it's going to haveto be Retroactive jealousy for
me, some of my darkest, darkestmoments, where there's the most
shame and guilt and evenfrustration and anger from the
(01:16):
past.
So much of it hinges onretroactive jealousy.
I don't want to spoil it toomuch, because it's going to be a
great episode.
I'll tell you why I haven'tbeen able to publish it just in
a minute.
But let's put it this way likemy borderline personality
disorder in particular, has usedretroactive jealousy as its
main weapon of choice, and mygod did it hit me with both
(01:37):
barrels.
So this is going to be when Ican get it out, when I'm
confident enough to get it outthere.
This retroactive jealousyepisode is going to be huge.
It's going to be very revealingabout me.
It'll probably stop any chanceof me getting a girlfriend ever
in the future.
But hey, I'm willing to do thatfor the people, because this
podcast goes deeper, I'm tellingyou, than any other podcast,
(01:58):
and this episode is going toshow it again.
This Retroactive Jealousy, nopodcast goes to the depths of
shame and guilt and agitationand anger and all that sort of
stuff.
That's all involved.
None, I'm telling you, no showgoes deeper.
I'm going to prove it to you.
The problem is, I really want todo a good job of this episode
and me being me, I've been socritical today, so this is what
(02:21):
I've done.
I've worked today from 5am,finished at 1.30am, got home At
2.30am, I sat down on thecomputer and it's now 20 to 9pm
at night.
This whole time I've sat here,the whole time, over and over
and over again, trying to getthis episode out.
I'm just not happy with itbecause the inner critic is just
blowing up Deluxe on fire.
(02:41):
Now, I knew this was going tohappen because there's a lot of
significance, as you might beable to understand, around this
episode.
It explains so much of my pastbehavior and it's also so
difficult for me to go back toand talk about.
But I know how important it isfor people to understand, first
off, for me where it's comingfrom, so my stories can be
(03:01):
understood in the context ofretroactive jealousy, because a
lot of my stories have featuredit, but I haven't directly
addressed it because it needs tobe addressed properly.
So that's what I'm trying to donow, but it also needs to be.
You know, I need to do a goodjob because a lot of people can
relate to this as well.
This is a huge one, you know.
(03:22):
I've discovered, you know, inmy time.
So many people can relate to atleast elements of retroactive
jealousy.
It's huge and that's why I wantto do a really good job of it,
because I wish I knew what thisstuff was 15 years ago, because
it could have changed the courseof my direction big time,
because for so long I had noidea what this phenomena was.
(03:42):
So how on earth can you go upagainst something and defeat
something like some mentalhealth phenomena like this if
you don't even know it exists?
Like you know, for me itstarted off with thinking it was
just me, and then I thought itwas just people with BPD, which
it's not very common, though andthen I'm now discovering that
you know most people, you knowwe can relate to this on some
(04:04):
level.
Not everybody, thankfully, is atthe extreme end.
Unfortunately.
It is for me and for so manyothers too, I must admit there's
plenty of us, but at the sametime, thankfully, most people
are not at the extreme end, butpeople seem to relate to it.
Whenever I've brought it up,people have been shocked and
been like, oh, is there a namefor that?
Wow, yeah, I feel thatsometimes, or I used to feel
(04:25):
that in a past relationship orwhatever.
So that's why I have thispressure to do this properly,
because it's important, I feel,for you, the listener.
You guys need to know aboutretroactive jealousy.
If it's not for you, it's foryour friends, because I'm
telling you, I reckon everyonewill know somebody that is going
through or has gone throughthis, whether they'll admit it
(04:47):
or not, or whether they have theunderstanding or not, I don't
know, but I think this is a verypervasive way of thinking that
humans do succumb to inrelationships and, again, I
don't think there's a largeproportion, hopefully, that are
on the extreme end with me withretroactive jealousy.
But I think this is a themethat comes up a lot and a lot of
(05:09):
people can relate to it.
So I want to do a good job.
I want to do a good job sopeople understand it, can take
something away from it, identifyit maybe within themselves or
their partners, and also takeaway some of the keys sorry,
skills and techniques.
So I'm going to talk abouttowards the end of the episode
as well.
So I want to do a really goodjob on that front.
And I also really want to do agood job because I really want
to honor my own story, which isgreat, you know, and that's why
(05:33):
I think it's taken me so long todo this episode.
You know, I've wanted.
I've wanted to do it since Istarted the potty, which was
three and a half years ago, orsomething that I haven't had the
confidence to do it because Ididn't think I understood it
well enough to be able to impartsome of that knowledge onto
others where it can actually behelpful.
(05:54):
So I needed to learn more aboutit, not just how it manifested
within myself, but then also Ineeded to learn about how it
manifested within myself so Icould do myself and my own story
justice, because it deserves tobe told properly.
And let me tell you,unfortunately, retroactive
jealousy is a huge part of mystory and after listening to
this episode, a lot of myprevious episodes, especially
(06:17):
like the my Journal stuff andother episodes I've done about
my past relationships a lot ofthat will make sense within the
context of this.
But previously I haven't feltcomfortable enough doing it
because I've got to do a goodjob of it, and that's been the
problem today, over and over andover again, my inner critic's
just like nut garbage delete,nut garbage delete.
(06:38):
Literally just before I startedtalking for this episode, I
just did 42 minutes worth of theRetroive Jealousy episode and
then, on a whim, I decided nah,my inner critic decided and
silly me, was listening at thetime Nah, it's not good enough,
get rid of it.
We'll try again tomorrow.
But that's the thing I need toget some episode out, or else
(06:59):
I'll be so angry and agitated IfI have to go to work tomorrow
at 5am and I know that I haven'tpublished at least this episode
, for example I'm going to be sofilthy, I will be so annoyed
all day.
It will ruin my day.
So I've got to get this episodeout.
So thanks for holding oneverybody.
Thank you.
So that was the plan.
I wanted to get that episodeout today.
(07:20):
It's not going to happen, butthat's okay.
Tomorrow is a new day and I'llgive it another crack because
it's got to be done properly.
What's a little bit concerning,though, is how strong my inner
critic has been Even impostersyndrome to a certain degree, I
think, too.
Some of the parts within, likemy 16 year old loose cannon self
, for example.
This is where he was born, thisis where it all started for
(07:44):
that poor part of mine, and youknow there's a bit of trauma
there to go through, and I'd saythere's a bit of blocking going
on by some of these parts,because it is hurtful and I
don't really want to think aboutit again, because you know
that's why they were created toget away from that sort of stuff
.
So you know there's a lot to it, but anyway, we'll try again
tomorrow.
Hopefully I'll get it out,because it's going to be a
(08:04):
beauty.
I just got to get it done.
What else has been happening inmy world?
Because we're going to makethis now a fortnightly check-in
what else has happened in myworld is not much.
So on the medication front, Idon't have much to report.
My chlamypramine I was on 250milligrams.
(08:25):
The max dose usually forchlamypramine is 200 milligrams,
but I was on 250.
So I was having 10 tabletsinstead of eight.
I've now decided to bump mydosage back to eight, so from 10
to eight, from 250 milligramsto 200.
200 is the, as I said, theusual max dose.
So it's not like I'm droppingtoo far, like we're still, you
(08:48):
know, dolled up to the gillswith chlamypramine.
Don't get me wrong.
But that has been a littlething that I've started just to
wean off a little bit, just toget it back down to at least
within that approved sort ofrate, like it was approved.
But you know what I mean.
(09:11):
Like, for the most part, 200milligrams is this sort of upper
limit and I'm happy to be backat that upper limit again and
not exceeding it, especiallybecause I don't think.
I don't think I've been gettingenough out of the medication to
justify going to 250.
So but again, that's that's adecision that I've made, because
I cannot get in to see a doctoror I cannot get on to an
extended stay mental health wardanywhere in New South Wales.
There's been no movement andthis is why it's hard, because
(09:35):
the thing is, you know my GP,I've seen my GP a bit right, and
I've seen my GP since the lastcheck-in episode.
Actually, no, I haven't,because I read out the letters,
didn't I?
On about two episodes ago Iread out the letters and I was
like righto, these are my newreferrals to Bloomfield Hospital
, to IJMU as well, jamesFletcher here in Newcastle.
Let's hope this does something.
(09:56):
I've heard nothing from anybody.
Let's not forget, I've spokento IJMU two weeks ago and they
said oh yeah, here's yourreferral.
Yeah, we'll make sure we readit and have a look.
We'll get back to you.
I've heard zero, which isexactly what I expected, but
it's still disappointing andit's still making my road to
recovery very, very difficult.
So more referrals have beensent to IJMU.
(10:16):
Heard nothing.
More referrals have been sentto Bloomfield Hospital out at
Orange in central New SouthWales.
I'm willing to go anywhere.
I'm telling you I've heardnothing.
You know, remember, I've beento the MARTA begging for
assistance and they supposedlywrote off a letter to IJMU, and
you know, and to the communitymental health care team.
I've heard nothing.
I forgot about that too.
(10:36):
There was also the referral tothe community mental health team
, which is slightly different tothe inpatient.
You know, this is stuff that'sdone in the community.
I can't remember what the wordis.
External to the hospital.
You come to the hospital andthen you leave.
You know what I mean.
You don't stay, you do it sortof.
I can't remember what it'scalled.
I'm going to remember when Ifinish this episode.
(10:57):
But whatever it's called,you're not an inpatient, but
you're still being helped by thedoctors at the hospital and you
go in and see them.
Anyway, that, excuse me.
Nothing's happened there either.
So I've had referrals there too.
So what I wanted there was tosay all right, elliot, come in,
we'll do an assessment.
There's a waiting period,because this is the public
health system.
(11:18):
You know, it's great inAustralia that you can get these
services for free, if you canget access to them.
But I was willing to get on awaiting list and sort of.
You know, try and wait it outand try and do my best in the
meantime.
That's what I've been doing for34 years and I've become pretty
good at it, even though it'sreally wearing me down.
But you know, that was the plan.
I've heard nothing.
I've heard nothing.
(11:41):
I've heard nothing.
And let's not forget, I was alsoreferred when I went to the
martyr there's also a referralmade to the acute care team
because I was displaying somepotential tendencies towards you
know, there was some suicidalideation going on.
There was some very meek andmild threats, but they were
there towards myself and I wasvery clear in saying you know,
if I got to up the ante, youknow you're basically forcing
(12:03):
people like me to, you know,threaten other people.
And I said I don't want to dothat, of course, but like hello,
what do you expect people likeme to do?
You know?
So there was a bit of that.
So they and I did thatstrategically in a way, because
that then got them a bit oh, youknow, we need to maybe just
push this one along to the nextlevel or whatever.
And that was the acute careteam, and they were meant to
ring back and say how's thingsgoing?
(12:24):
You know, you're right, youknow, is there anything we can
do?
And I'd say, yeah, I'd love tosee psychiatrists and they would
make it, you know, organized.
It's happened to me once before, um, but again, and this has
happened so many times, uh, theacute care team just haven't
called.
Now I've done an episode on thestate of the New South Wales
mental health system at themoment and it is on its knees.
(12:47):
The New South Wales governmentwill say that they've been able
to patch up the gaps pretty well, but the thing is they hadn't
patched up the gaps well beforethe psychiatrists did this mass
resignation.
Listen to the episode 30-oddpsychiatrists have resigned, but
there's 110, I think it wasthat are waiting for a decision
(13:07):
by the Fair Work Commission herein Australia on their working
conditions, waiting for aresponse from them, and then
they have the intent to resignfrom the New South Wales public
health system as a shelf ofunity, I suppose, because their
conditions are not being met and, as a result, the conditions
for patients, you know, isuntenable.
(13:30):
People are falling through thecracks.
The New South Wales system isnot providing adequate care, so
the psychiatrists are standingup and trying to do something
about it.
Again, listen to that episodeif you want to learn more about
the state of the system at themoment, but my understanding is
that it's not in great shape.
As I said, the New South Walesgovernment will say that things
are going okay, that they'vebeen able to smooth over most of
(13:51):
the.
There was an article the otherday and they're saying oh, you
know, we've been able to, youknow, predict the, you know when
things would be busy and we'vebeen able to account for that
and cover this and cover that.
But like hello, come on.
Before this they hadn't evenbeen able to do it.
Before any of thesepsychiatrists decided to strike
(14:12):
or go and resign, there wasalready like a third of the
workforce or a quarter of theworkforce or positions were
vacant in the New South Walespublic health system already.
That was before the massresignations by the
psychiatrists.
Imagine what state the systemis in now.
So that's why I'm really annoyedthat nothing has happened as
far as my referrals and mybegging for some help.
(14:35):
Because that's why I went tothe emergency department, the
Mater Hospital, like I have,unfortunately quite a few times
before, and I said to them look,I'll do anything.
We know this, I've read thisabout, I've spoken about this on
the show before.
But very quickly, I've said tothem I will do anything, I will
go anywhere.
You know Orange is a couple ofhours drive from Newcastle.
For those that don't know, inthe central west of New South
(14:57):
Wales.
You know it's no skin off mynose because I love road trips.
But what I'm saying is I'mwilling to go to a place like
Bloomfield Hospital, theextended stay wards, if that's
appropriate for me.
I'm willing to go west, I'll goanywhere.
I even said to them I'll go toMorissette Now.
Morissette is mostly now aforensic ward.
(15:17):
So the people who, as far as Iunderstand, I've never been to
the Morissette PsychiatricHospital I've never been there
but from what I understand it'smostly forensic patients so
that's people who have acriminal record or a potential
threat to themselves or those inthe community, and there's
(15:38):
often this you know there's beencrimes committed or there's the
potential for that to happen.
So you know we're talking, asfar as my understanding goes, a
lot of people, for example, thatare psychotic or have
schizophrenia, seem to end up,from as far as I can understand,
to Morissette.
It's very hard to findinformation on the Morissette
Hospital, which is fine becauseyou know as much as I love, you
(16:02):
know, sort of gawking and havinga look at these hospitals and
how everything's going.
You know, like you know,there's some pretty, pretty
tough cases in there.
And yeah, I don't want to.
You know I don't want toglamorize or romanticize the
Morissette Psychiatric Hospitalat all that the reason why I'm
talking about it is because Isaid to him at the martyr, and
(16:27):
I've said to him on the phoneIshmu as well, I've said I will
literally go to Morissette.
If that's what I need to do,I'll go there.
If it means being in the wardswhere you got padded rooms, if
it's like that there's rumorsthat it's like that.
I don't know that for sure, butlet's say that there is.
Whatever I'll do it, because Iwant to get off these meds, I
want to try and get into acareer that is meaningful and
gives me purpose, because at themoment life has not much
(16:48):
meaning and not much purpose andthat's bad news and that's what
I've said repeatedly.
I'll literally go to somewherelike Morissette.
I'll be freaking out the wholetime.
We're drawing off medications,but I do it.
You know.
Put me in there for threemonths, you know, and after the
three months I'll be clean Offall these medications and you
know my life will continue.
But you know, oh, elliot, oh,you know, we don't want to put
(17:12):
you at Morissette.
And that's when I say thingslike Well, you know, maybe I
need to force the issue, whereyou have no choice and you have
to send me to Morissette.
You know, and that's when youknow, those deep, scary
conversations happen and anyway,that's um, that's not a path
that I plan on going down.
Don't worry, I've spoken aboutthat in the last episode.
But as well I said in thatepisode quite clearly,
(17:33):
unfortunately that seems to be,you know, the measuring stick,
um, if you get help or not inthe New South Wales system, at
the, or else you're just lost ina sea of referrals, like
everyone else.
And I know it's not just methat's been affected.
I know there's other people aswell that were looking for
similar sort of avenues to tryand turn their lives around,
like me.
And it's the same sort ofthings.
(17:56):
None of us can get in.
We're all willing, very willingpatients.
We just can't get in.
So unfortunately I don't havemuch to report on the medication
side of things, at least notfrom the hospital side of things
.
I have slowly lowered myclomipramine dose a little bit,
but it's still now, even thoughI've lowered it, it's now on the
max recommended dose anyway.
(18:16):
So there's a bit of room to go,that's for sure.
I haven't really noticed anyrebound anxiety.
I don't think I've been a bitanxious and stuff at work, but
it's hard to tell because that'spretty normal for me.
So I don't know, I don't thinkthere's been a huge rebound
effect, but, as I said, it'sstill the max dose.
So there's a long way to go.
And that's the thing too, atwork, like I just said then,
(18:39):
like I'm still anxious and stuffat work, and that's pretty
normal.
And I say that ha ha.
It's like a bit of a joke.
How funny.
You know, that's how I live,but it's not funny.
And this is why I need help, Ibelieve, from the hospitals,
from these mental health wards,because if I get worse before I
get better, which is the story,and I've said this before too
(19:07):
and I'm repeating myself there'sa lot of pent up energy.
I thought I was getting thisretroactive jealousy episode out
, but there's a lot of.
There's the ADHD.
Does this happen every episodewhere I completely forget about
what I was saying.
Anyway, the point of the matteris oh yes, I remember now, if
it's going to get worse beforeit gets better, which I'm happy
to take on that liability, thatpotential.
The thing is, though, I can'tdo it and be at my job.
I can't do it in the communityliving where I am here with mom
and dad.
I just can't do it here in thecommunity.
(19:30):
My GP agrees, but I'm trying tolower a little bit of some
medications, but it's hardbecause I'm freaking out and I
don't know if that's because ofthe meds or if that's just some
sort of inner critic thing, someschema that's just scared,
worried, and he's just puttingup the walls.
You know what I mean.
I don't know.
This is why I need, I think, tobe assessed.
(19:50):
But anyway, I'm repeatingthings that we already know.
I'm sorry that I'm repeating somuch.
I was so prepared for thisretroactivey episode and I just
haven't been able to get it out,and I'm so disappointed.
But I've been able to push thisepisode out.
At least that's something.
So what else is news?
Not much else is going on.
Got a Newcastle Knights game onFriday.
(20:10):
Um, it's touch and go whetherI'll go.
I haven't been to the last onebecause I've got to admit, my
social anxiety kicked up a stinkand I'm a little bit concerned
it might happen again.
But I really, really want to go.
That's Friday night, today beingwhat's today, tuesday, so I've
got a few days to get my headaround it.
It'll be a big crowd here inNewcastle.
It'll be just about a selloutcrowd, which is fine, and if I'm
(20:31):
in a good mood that just feedsme and it just drives my yelling
and me putting my big banner upin the air and it's great.
But 30,000 people can bedifficult to sit with when the
social anxiety is just pingingoff its head.
So I'll have to see how I'mtraveling a bit closer to the
day.
I hope I can go.
I really do, because I need todo fun things in life.
(20:52):
But I'm being honest about itbeing serious and realistic.
There's a chance.
Unfortunately, like lastweekend or two weekends ago it
was, I won't be able to make it,and if I can't it's because of
mental health.
Again, this stuff is as real asanything and, trust me, for
something to stop me from goingto the nights it's got to be
significant and unfortunatelythis mental illness.
(21:13):
Stuff is.
Let me think Anything elsethat's going on Not really.
Stuff is, let me think anythingelse that's going on Not really
.
I'm half-heartedly throwing myresume in for jobs and then
wondering how on earth I'm notgetting a new job, even though
I'm just throwing it in withoutcover letters and stuff, just so
I know that I'm putting aresume in but not enough that I
maybe would actually get the job, because that's way too scary.
(21:36):
So that's pretty frustratingbecause there's some good jobs
that I'm applying for but I'mnot doing a very good job of it
and it's like well, come on.
You know this is a bit of awasted opportunity, but hey,
this is where I'm at.
Unfortunately, I don't havethat confidence.
This week.
I wasn't able to go see thepsychologist on Monday, which
was yesterday, so ordinarily I'dhave that some therapy
(21:57):
reflections to report back onabout that.
I don't have any at the momentbecause I haven't been for a few
weeks, but I'm going Fridaybefore the Knights game, so
prepare yourself for then.
There's going to be some infothere about the latest in my
therapy world with internalfamily systems, therapy, all
these inner parts of mine andhow they're just trying to do
their best to protect me.
But you know I've got to have agood conversation with a few of
(22:17):
them.
Say listen, trust the trust,the self, trust Elliot, me, the
self.
I know the way forward.
But that needs to be done intherapy and that is a continuing
conversation that I'm havingwith my inner parts that are
just trying to protect me.
But I think there's differentways that we can go about things
.
But we'll talk about that intherapy and then I will talk
about that with you.
(22:37):
On the therapy reflection series, the next episode of that,
which is exciting, doing EMDRtherapy as well Soon I'm going
to do an episode on both ofthose in the retroactive
jealousy episode, whichhopefully I'll be doing tomorrow
.
I do mention a little bit aboutinternal family systems therapy
, but I am going to do properepisodes on them soon.
(22:58):
So you know exactly what it isthat I'm going through, how it's
going to hopefully help me andmaybe how it could help you if
you need it too.
So it's pretty cool stuff.
Let me tell you it's a littlebit different than old CBT,
that's for sure.
Other news there is actually onepiece of good news, but it's
actually under embargo so I'mnot allowed to talk about it.
(23:18):
It comes from the university.
Sorry, did I just cough in andsay the university?
Okay, so something good iscoming from the uni, but I'm
allowed to talk about it.
But it's good and it's given mea real big boost.
Let me tell you.
So that's all I'm going to sayon that.
It's under embargo.
It's pretty cool.
Let me tell you I'm prettychuffed with it, but that's all
I'm going to say on that.
It's under embargo.
It's pretty, pretty, prettycool.
(23:38):
Let me tell you I'm prettychuffed with it, but that's all
I'm going to say.
But there is some positive there.
That has actually beensomething I've really been able
to hold on to.
I wish I could tell you, butI'm just not allowed.
I will soon enough, don't worry.
That has been something I'vereally held on to.
I was at the MARTA.
The doctor said you know what,ellie?
You need a few wins on theboard, don't you?
I was like, yes, I do.
(23:58):
This I'm happy to report is awin on the board, a big, big win
.
So there you go, thank goodness.
So I can't talk about it, but Iwill when I can.
And it's quite significant andit's nothing but great news and
it's really helped me the lastweek and a bit to sort of push
through because it's been hard.
It's hard being in a job that Ifeel like I'm in because I'm too
(24:23):
scared to really go for mydream.
It's hard to be in a job likemine with the constant social
interactions that just wears youdown and down.
I'm so appreciative of my workbut let's be honest, I'm in one
of the worst jobs you could havefor someone who's autistic and
with all the other disordersthat I've got.
You know this constant talkingto people about building
hardware and and all that youknow, like tools and and how to,
(24:47):
how to build this and buildthat, when I've got no idea,
cause I'm a forklift operator,not a builder.
Um, you know, working in a rolelike that is very, very
difficult, and it's verydifficult when I know I'm not
really pushing to get a job awayfrom that.
You know, to improve how I feelI'm going about things.
You know it's one thing to beapplying for jobs and not
getting them, but really givingit your best shot.
(25:08):
That's frustrating and that'sreally.
But being too scared to applyfor jobs properly, that's pretty
frustrating too, just quietly.
So I'm pretty angry about that.
So there's not much on the jobsfront.
The uni has provided somethingreally good and significant, but
I'm not going to talk about it.
No admission to Ishmael yet notalk of admissions to an
extended stay ward likeBloomfield Hospital out at
(25:31):
Orange, even though referralshave been sent off.
Unfortunately, the expectationobviously is on me to keep
making these phone calls and tryand chase up these things, even
though these referralsliterally say that elliot has
great difficulty in answeringand making phone calls.
Hey, how ironic, um.
So there you go.
So that's the life, and me.
The retroactive jealousyepisode, hopefully, is coming
(25:51):
out next.
It's going to be a cracker, um,but you know, if it takes a few
episodes to get there, don't betoo hard on me, because there,
because there's a lot ofsignificance behind it, there's
a lot of bad memories too, butit's going to be a big one.
All right, that's enough for me.
I've been babbling on way toomuch.
Thank you for listening, asalways, and I'll see you next
time here on the DysregulatedPodcast.
Thank you.
G'day everybody.
My name is Elliot Waters andyou're listening to the
Dysregulator podcast, as always,thank you for tuning in.
Alright, this isn't the episodethat I was planning on
publishing today.
The episode I was planning onpublishing is one that's coming
well.
Hopefully it's now the nextepisode.
It's on retroactive jealousy.
Retroactive jealousy, which is ahuge, a huge component of my
(00:35):
psyche, of my mental healthstory.
It has caused me so muchdistress and it also affects so
many other people as well,potentially at extreme ends of
the scale, like me.
Not always, though, but itseems to me that a lot of people
can relate to it and I reallywant to do a good job on this
retroactive jealousy episode.
(00:55):
And because so much of itrelates to my own story, like
this, potentially this ispotentially the most revealing
episode that I've ever done.
It will be it's going to haveto be Retroactive jealousy for
me, some of my darkest, darkestmoments, where there's the most
shame and guilt and evenfrustration and anger from the
(01:16):
past.
So much of it hinges onretroactive jealousy.
I don't want to spoil it toomuch, because it's going to be a
great episode.
I'll tell you why I haven'tbeen able to publish it just in
a minute.
But let's put it this way likemy borderline personality
disorder in particular, has usedretroactive jealousy as its
main weapon of choice, and mygod did it hit me with both
(01:37):
barrels.
So this is going to be when Ican get it out, when I'm
confident enough to get it outthere.
This retroactive jealousyepisode is going to be huge.
It's going to be very revealingabout me.
It'll probably stop any chanceof me getting a girlfriend ever
in the future.
But hey, I'm willing to do thatfor the people, because this
podcast goes deeper, I'm tellingyou, than any other podcast,
(01:58):
and this episode is going toshow it again.
This Retroactive Jealousy, nopodcast goes to the depths of
shame and guilt and agitationand anger and all that sort of
stuff.
That's all involved.
None, I'm telling you, no showgoes deeper.
I'm going to prove it to you.
The problem is, I really want todo a good job of this episode
and me being me, I've been socritical today, so this is what
(02:21):
I've done.
I've worked today from 5am,finished at 1.30am, got home At
2.30am, I sat down on thecomputer and it's now 20 to 9pm
at night.
This whole time I've sat here,the whole time, over and over
and over again, trying to getthis episode out.
I'm just not happy with itbecause the inner critic is just
blowing up Deluxe on fire.
(02:41):
Now, I knew this was going tohappen because there's a lot of
significance, as you might beable to understand, around this
episode.
It explains so much of my pastbehavior and it's also so
difficult for me to go back toand talk about.
But I know how important it isfor people to understand, first
off, for me where it's comingfrom, so my stories can be
(03:01):
understood in the context ofretroactive jealousy, because a
lot of my stories have featuredit, but I haven't directly
addressed it because it needs tobe addressed properly.
So that's what I'm trying to donow, but it also needs to be.
You know, I need to do a goodjob because a lot of people can
relate to this as well.
This is a huge one, you know.
(03:22):
I've discovered, you know, inmy time.
So many people can relate to atleast elements of retroactive
jealousy.
It's huge and that's why I wantto do a really good job of it,
because I wish I knew what thisstuff was 15 years ago, because
it could have changed the courseof my direction big time,
because for so long I had noidea what this phenomena was.
(03:42):
So how on earth can you go upagainst something and defeat
something like some mentalhealth phenomena like this if
you don't even know it exists?
Like you know, for me itstarted off with thinking it was
just me, and then I thought itwas just people with BPD, which
it's not very common, though andthen I'm now discovering that
you know most people, you knowwe can relate to this on some
(04:04):
level.
Not everybody, thankfully, is atthe extreme end.
Unfortunately.
It is for me and for so manyothers too, I must admit there's
plenty of us, but at the sametime, thankfully, most people
are not at the extreme end, butpeople seem to relate to it.
Whenever I've brought it up,people have been shocked and
been like, oh, is there a namefor that?
Wow, yeah, I feel thatsometimes, or I used to feel
(04:25):
that in a past relationship orwhatever.
So that's why I have thispressure to do this properly,
because it's important, I feel,for you, the listener.
You guys need to know aboutretroactive jealousy.
If it's not for you, it's foryour friends, because I'm
telling you, I reckon everyonewill know somebody that is going
through or has gone throughthis, whether they'll admit it
(04:47):
or not, or whether they have theunderstanding or not, I don't
know, but I think this is a verypervasive way of thinking that
humans do succumb to inrelationships and, again, I
don't think there's a largeproportion, hopefully, that are
on the extreme end with me withretroactive jealousy.
But I think this is a themethat comes up a lot and a lot of
(05:09):
people can relate to it.
So I want to do a good job.
I want to do a good job sopeople understand it, can take
something away from it, identifyit maybe within themselves or
their partners, and also takeaway some of the keys sorry,
skills and techniques.
So I'm going to talk abouttowards the end of the episode
as well.
So I want to do a really goodjob on that front.
And I also really want to do agood job because I really want
to honor my own story, which isgreat, you know, and that's why
(05:33):
I think it's taken me so long todo this episode.
You know, I've wanted.
I've wanted to do it since Istarted the potty, which was
three and a half years ago, orsomething that I haven't had the
confidence to do it because Ididn't think I understood it
well enough to be able to impartsome of that knowledge onto
others where it can actually behelpful.
(05:54):
So I needed to learn more aboutit, not just how it manifested
within myself, but then also Ineeded to learn about how it
manifested within myself so Icould do myself and my own story
justice, because it deserves tobe told properly.
And let me tell you,unfortunately, retroactive
jealousy is a huge part of mystory and after listening to
this episode, a lot of myprevious episodes, especially
(06:17):
like the my Journal stuff andother episodes I've done about
my past relationships a lot ofthat will make sense within the
context of this.
But previously I haven't feltcomfortable enough doing it
because I've got to do a goodjob of it, and that's been the
problem today, over and over andover again, my inner critic's
just like nut garbage delete,nut garbage delete.
(06:38):
Literally just before I startedtalking for this episode, I
just did 42 minutes worth of theRetroive Jealousy episode and
then, on a whim, I decided nah,my inner critic decided and
silly me, was listening at thetime Nah, it's not good enough,
get rid of it.
We'll try again tomorrow.
But that's the thing I need toget some episode out, or else
(06:59):
I'll be so angry and agitated IfI have to go to work tomorrow
at 5am and I know that I haven'tpublished at least this episode
, for example I'm going to be sofilthy, I will be so annoyed
all day.
It will ruin my day.
So I've got to get this episodeout.
So thanks for holding oneverybody.
Thank you.
So that was the plan.
I wanted to get that episodeout today.
(07:20):
It's not going to happen, butthat's okay.
Tomorrow is a new day and I'llgive it another crack because
it's got to be done properly.
What's a little bit concerning,though, is how strong my inner
critic has been Even impostersyndrome to a certain degree, I
think, too.
Some of the parts within, likemy 16 year old loose cannon self
, for example.
This is where he was born, thisis where it all started for
(07:44):
that poor part of mine, and youknow there's a bit of trauma
there to go through, and I'd saythere's a bit of blocking going
on by some of these parts,because it is hurtful and I
don't really want to think aboutit again, because you know
that's why they were created toget away from that sort of stuff
.
So you know there's a lot to it, but anyway, we'll try again
tomorrow.
Hopefully I'll get it out,because it's going to be a
(08:04):
beauty.
I just got to get it done.
What else has been happening inmy world?
Because we're going to makethis now a fortnightly check-in
what else has happened in myworld is not much.
So on the medication front, Idon't have much to report.
My chlamypramine I was on 250milligrams.
(08:25):
The max dose usually forchlamypramine is 200 milligrams,
but I was on 250.
So I was having 10 tabletsinstead of eight.
I've now decided to bump mydosage back to eight, so from 10
to eight, from 250 milligramsto 200.
200 is the, as I said, theusual max dose.
So it's not like I'm droppingtoo far, like we're still, you
(08:48):
know, dolled up to the gillswith chlamypramine.
Don't get me wrong.
But that has been a littlething that I've started just to
wean off a little bit, just toget it back down to at least
within that approved sort ofrate, like it was approved.
But you know what I mean.
(09:11):
Like, for the most part, 200milligrams is this sort of upper
limit and I'm happy to be backat that upper limit again and
not exceeding it, especiallybecause I don't think.
I don't think I've been gettingenough out of the medication to
justify going to 250.
So but again, that's that's adecision that I've made, because
I cannot get in to see a doctoror I cannot get on to an
extended stay mental health wardanywhere in New South Wales.
There's been no movement andthis is why it's hard, because
(09:35):
the thing is, you know my GP,I've seen my GP a bit right, and
I've seen my GP since the lastcheck-in episode.
Actually, no, I haven't,because I read out the letters,
didn't I?
On about two episodes ago Iread out the letters and I was
like righto, these are my newreferrals to Bloomfield Hospital
, to IJMU as well, jamesFletcher here in Newcastle.
Let's hope this does something.
(09:56):
I've heard nothing from anybody.
Let's not forget, I've spokento IJMU two weeks ago and they
said oh yeah, here's yourreferral.
Yeah, we'll make sure we readit and have a look.
We'll get back to you.
I've heard zero, which isexactly what I expected, but
it's still disappointing andit's still making my road to
recovery very, very difficult.
So more referrals have beensent to IJMU.
(10:16):
Heard nothing.
More referrals have been sentto Bloomfield Hospital out at
Orange in central New SouthWales.
I'm willing to go anywhere.
I'm telling you I've heardnothing.
You know, remember, I've beento the MARTA begging for
assistance and they supposedlywrote off a letter to IJMU, and
you know, and to the communitymental health care team.
I've heard nothing.
I forgot about that too.
(10:36):
There was also the referral tothe community mental health team
, which is slightly different tothe inpatient.
You know, this is stuff that'sdone in the community.
I can't remember what the wordis.
External to the hospital.
You come to the hospital andthen you leave.
You know what I mean.
You don't stay, you do it sortof.
I can't remember what it'scalled.
I'm going to remember when Ifinish this episode.
(10:57):
But whatever it's called,you're not an inpatient, but
you're still being helped by thedoctors at the hospital and you
go in and see them.
Anyway, that, excuse me.
Nothing's happened there either.
So I've had referrals there too.
So what I wanted there was tosay all right, elliot, come in,
we'll do an assessment.
There's a waiting period,because this is the public
health system.
(11:18):
You know, it's great inAustralia that you can get these
services for free, if you canget access to them.
But I was willing to get on awaiting list and sort of.
You know, try and wait it outand try and do my best in the
meantime.
That's what I've been doing for34 years and I've become pretty
good at it, even though it'sreally wearing me down.
But you know, that was the plan.
I've heard nothing.
I've heard nothing.
(11:41):
I've heard nothing.
And let's not forget, I was alsoreferred when I went to the
martyr there's also a referralmade to the acute care team
because I was displaying somepotential tendencies towards you
know, there was some suicidalideation going on.
There was some very meek andmild threats, but they were
there towards myself and I wasvery clear in saying you know,
if I got to up the ante, youknow you're basically forcing
(12:03):
people like me to, you know,threaten other people.
And I said I don't want to dothat, of course, but like hello,
what do you expect people likeme to do?
You know?
So there was a bit of that.
So they and I did thatstrategically in a way, because
that then got them a bit oh, youknow, we need to maybe just
push this one along to the nextlevel or whatever.
And that was the acute careteam, and they were meant to
ring back and say how's thingsgoing?
(12:24):
You know, you're right, youknow, is there anything we can
do?
And I'd say, yeah, I'd love tosee psychiatrists and they would
make it, you know, organized.
It's happened to me once before, um, but again, and this has
happened so many times, uh, theacute care team just haven't
called.
Now I've done an episode on thestate of the New South Wales
mental health system at themoment and it is on its knees.
(12:47):
The New South Wales governmentwill say that they've been able
to patch up the gaps pretty well, but the thing is they hadn't
patched up the gaps well beforethe psychiatrists did this mass
resignation.
Listen to the episode 30-oddpsychiatrists have resigned, but
there's 110, I think it wasthat are waiting for a decision
(13:07):
by the Fair Work Commission herein Australia on their working
conditions, waiting for aresponse from them, and then
they have the intent to resignfrom the New South Wales public
health system as a shelf ofunity, I suppose, because their
conditions are not being met and, as a result, the conditions
for patients, you know, isuntenable.
(13:30):
People are falling through thecracks.
The New South Wales system isnot providing adequate care, so
the psychiatrists are standingup and trying to do something
about it.
Again, listen to that episodeif you want to learn more about
the state of the system at themoment, but my understanding is
that it's not in great shape.
As I said, the New South Walesgovernment will say that things
are going okay, that they'vebeen able to smooth over most of
(13:51):
the.
There was an article the otherday and they're saying oh, you
know, we've been able to, youknow, predict the, you know when
things would be busy and we'vebeen able to account for that
and cover this and cover that.
But like hello, come on.
Before this they hadn't evenbeen able to do it.
Before any of thesepsychiatrists decided to strike
(14:12):
or go and resign, there wasalready like a third of the
workforce or a quarter of theworkforce or positions were
vacant in the New South Walespublic health system already.
That was before the massresignations by the
psychiatrists.
Imagine what state the systemis in now.
So that's why I'm really annoyedthat nothing has happened as
far as my referrals and mybegging for some help.
(14:35):
Because that's why I went tothe emergency department, the
Mater Hospital, like I have,unfortunately quite a few times
before, and I said to them look,I'll do anything.
We know this, I've read thisabout, I've spoken about this on
the show before.
But very quickly, I've said tothem I will do anything, I will
go anywhere.
You know Orange is a couple ofhours drive from Newcastle.
For those that don't know, inthe central west of New South
(14:57):
Wales.
You know it's no skin off mynose because I love road trips.
But what I'm saying is I'mwilling to go to a place like
Bloomfield Hospital, theextended stay wards, if that's
appropriate for me.
I'm willing to go west, I'll goanywhere.
I even said to them I'll go toMorissette Now.
Morissette is mostly now aforensic ward.
(15:17):
So the people who, as far as Iunderstand, I've never been to
the Morissette PsychiatricHospital I've never been there
but from what I understand it'smostly forensic patients so
that's people who have acriminal record or a potential
threat to themselves or those inthe community, and there's
(15:38):
often this you know there's beencrimes committed or there's the
potential for that to happen.
So you know we're talking, asfar as my understanding goes, a
lot of people, for example, thatare psychotic or have
schizophrenia, seem to end up,from as far as I can understand,
to Morissette.
It's very hard to findinformation on the Morissette
Hospital, which is fine becauseyou know as much as I love, you
(16:02):
know, sort of gawking and havinga look at these hospitals and
how everything's going.
You know, like you know,there's some pretty, pretty
tough cases in there.
And yeah, I don't want to.
You know I don't want toglamorize or romanticize the
Morissette Psychiatric Hospitalat all that the reason why I'm
talking about it is because Isaid to him at the martyr, and
(16:27):
I've said to him on the phoneIshmu as well, I've said I will
literally go to Morissette.
If that's what I need to do,I'll go there.
If it means being in the wardswhere you got padded rooms, if
it's like that there's rumorsthat it's like that.
I don't know that for sure, butlet's say that there is.
Whatever I'll do it, because Iwant to get off these meds, I
want to try and get into acareer that is meaningful and
gives me purpose, because at themoment life has not much
(16:48):
meaning and not much purpose andthat's bad news and that's what
I've said repeatedly.
I'll literally go to somewherelike Morissette.
I'll be freaking out the wholetime.
We're drawing off medications,but I do it.
You know.
Put me in there for threemonths, you know, and after the
three months I'll be clean Offall these medications and you
know my life will continue.
But you know, oh, elliot, oh,you know, we don't want to put
(17:12):
you at Morissette.
And that's when I say thingslike Well, you know, maybe I
need to force the issue, whereyou have no choice and you have
to send me to Morissette.
You know, and that's when youknow, those deep, scary
conversations happen and anyway,that's um, that's not a path
that I plan on going down.
Don't worry, I've spoken aboutthat in the last episode.
But as well I said in thatepisode quite clearly,
(17:33):
unfortunately that seems to be,you know, the measuring stick,
um, if you get help or not inthe New South Wales system, at
the, or else you're just lost ina sea of referrals, like
everyone else.
And I know it's not just methat's been affected.
I know there's other people aswell that were looking for
similar sort of avenues to tryand turn their lives around,
like me.
And it's the same sort ofthings.
(17:56):
None of us can get in.
We're all willing, very willingpatients.
We just can't get in.
So unfortunately I don't havemuch to report on the medication
side of things, at least notfrom the hospital side of things
.
I have slowly lowered myclomipramine dose a little bit,
but it's still now, even thoughI've lowered it, it's now on the
max recommended dose anyway.
(18:16):
So there's a bit of room to go,that's for sure.
I haven't really noticed anyrebound anxiety.
I don't think I've been a bitanxious and stuff at work, but
it's hard to tell because that'spretty normal for me.
So I don't know, I don't thinkthere's been a huge rebound
effect, but, as I said, it'sstill the max dose.
So there's a long way to go.
And that's the thing too, atwork, like I just said then,
(18:39):
like I'm still anxious and stuffat work, and that's pretty
normal.
And I say that ha ha.
It's like a bit of a joke.
How funny.
You know, that's how I live,but it's not funny.
And this is why I need help, Ibelieve, from the hospitals,
from these mental health wards,because if I get worse before I
get better, which is the story,and I've said this before too
(19:07):
and I'm repeating myself there'sa lot of pent up energy.
I thought I was getting thisretroactive jealousy episode out
, but there's a lot of.
There's the ADHD.
Does this happen every episodewhere I completely forget about
what I was saying.
Anyway, the point of the matteris oh yes, I remember now, if
it's going to get worse beforeit gets better, which I'm happy
to take on that liability, thatpotential.
The thing is, though, I can'tdo it and be at my job.
I can't do it in the communityliving where I am here with mom
and dad.
I just can't do it here in thecommunity.
(19:30):
My GP agrees, but I'm trying tolower a little bit of some
medications, but it's hardbecause I'm freaking out and I
don't know if that's because ofthe meds or if that's just some
sort of inner critic thing, someschema that's just scared,
worried, and he's just puttingup the walls.
You know what I mean.
I don't know.
This is why I need, I think, tobe assessed.
(19:50):
But anyway, I'm repeatingthings that we already know.
I'm sorry that I'm repeating somuch.
I was so prepared for thisretroactivey episode and I just
haven't been able to get it out,and I'm so disappointed.
But I've been able to push thisepisode out.
At least that's something.
So what else is news?
Not much else is going on.
Got a Newcastle Knights game onFriday.
(20:10):
Um, it's touch and go whetherI'll go.
I haven't been to the last onebecause I've got to admit, my
social anxiety kicked up a stinkand I'm a little bit concerned
it might happen again.
But I really, really want to go.
That's Friday night, today beingwhat's today, tuesday, so I've
got a few days to get my headaround it.
It'll be a big crowd here inNewcastle.
It'll be just about a selloutcrowd, which is fine, and if I'm
(20:31):
in a good mood that just feedsme and it just drives my yelling
and me putting my big banner upin the air and it's great.
But 30,000 people can bedifficult to sit with when the
social anxiety is just pingingoff its head.
So I'll have to see how I'mtraveling a bit closer to the
day.
I hope I can go.
I really do, because I need todo fun things in life.
(20:52):
But I'm being honest about itbeing serious and realistic.
There's a chance.
Unfortunately, like lastweekend or two weekends ago it
was, I won't be able to make it,and if I can't it's because of
mental health.
Again, this stuff is as real asanything and, trust me, for
something to stop me from goingto the nights it's got to be
significant and unfortunatelythis mental illness.
(21:13):
Stuff is.
Let me think Anything elsethat's going on Not really.
Stuff is, let me think anythingelse that's going on Not really
.
I'm half-heartedly throwing myresume in for jobs and then
wondering how on earth I'm notgetting a new job, even though
I'm just throwing it in withoutcover letters and stuff, just so
I know that I'm putting aresume in but not enough that I
maybe would actually get the job, because that's way too scary.
(21:36):
So that's pretty frustratingbecause there's some good jobs
that I'm applying for but I'mnot doing a very good job of it
and it's like well, come on.
You know this is a bit of awasted opportunity, but hey,
this is where I'm at.
Unfortunately, I don't havethat confidence.
This week.
I wasn't able to go see thepsychologist on Monday, which
was yesterday, so ordinarily I'dhave that some therapy
(21:57):
reflections to report back onabout that.
I don't have any at the momentbecause I haven't been for a few
weeks, but I'm going Fridaybefore the Knights game, so
prepare yourself for then.
There's going to be some infothere about the latest in my
therapy world with internalfamily systems, therapy, all
these inner parts of mine andhow they're just trying to do
their best to protect me.
But you know I've got to have agood conversation with a few of
(22:17):
them.
Say listen, trust the trust,the self, trust Elliot, me, the
self.
I know the way forward.
But that needs to be done intherapy and that is a continuing
conversation that I'm havingwith my inner parts that are
just trying to protect me.
But I think there's differentways that we can go about things
.
But we'll talk about that intherapy and then I will talk
about that with you.
(22:37):
On the therapy reflection series, the next episode of that,
which is exciting, doing EMDRtherapy as well Soon I'm going
to do an episode on both ofthose in the retroactive
jealousy episode, whichhopefully I'll be doing tomorrow
.
I do mention a little bit aboutinternal family systems therapy
, but I am going to do properepisodes on them soon.
(22:58):
So you know exactly what it isthat I'm going through, how it's
going to hopefully help me andmaybe how it could help you if
you need it too.
So it's pretty cool stuff.
Let me tell you it's a littlebit different than old CBT,
that's for sure.
Other news there is actually onepiece of good news, but it's
actually under embargo so I'mnot allowed to talk about it.
(23:18):
It comes from the university.
Sorry, did I just cough in andsay the university?
Okay, so something good iscoming from the uni, but I'm
allowed to talk about it.
But it's good and it's given mea real big boost.
Let me tell you.
So that's all I'm going to sayon that.
It's under embargo.
It's pretty cool.
Let me tell you I'm prettychuffed with it, but that's all
I'm going to say on that.
It's under embargo.
It's pretty, pretty, prettycool.
(23:38):
Let me tell you I'm prettychuffed with it, but that's all
I'm going to say.
But there is some positive there.
That has actually beensomething I've really been able
to hold on to.
I wish I could tell you, butI'm just not allowed.
I will soon enough, don't worry.
That has been something I'vereally held on to.
I was at the MARTA.
The doctor said you know what,ellie?
You need a few wins on theboard, don't you?
I was like, yes, I do.
(23:58):
This I'm happy to report is awin on the board, a big, big win
.
So there you go, thank goodness.
So I can't talk about it, but Iwill when I can.
And it's quite significant andit's nothing but great news and
it's really helped me the lastweek and a bit to sort of push
through because it's been hard.
It's hard being in a job that Ifeel like I'm in because I'm too
(24:23):
scared to really go for mydream.
It's hard to be in a job likemine with the constant social
interactions that just wears youdown and down.
I'm so appreciative of my workbut let's be honest, I'm in one
of the worst jobs you could havefor someone who's autistic and
with all the other disordersthat I've got.
You know this constant talkingto people about building
hardware and and all that youknow, like tools and and how to,
(24:47):
how to build this and buildthat, when I've got no idea,
cause I'm a forklift operator,not a builder.
Um, you know, working in a rolelike that is very, very
difficult, and it's verydifficult when I know I'm not
really pushing to get a job awayfrom that.
You know, to improve how I feelI'm going about things.
You know it's one thing to beapplying for jobs and not
getting them, but really givingit your best shot.
(25:08):
That's frustrating and that'sreally.
But being too scared to applyfor jobs properly, that's pretty
frustrating too, just quietly.
So I'm pretty angry about that.
So there's not much on the jobsfront.
The uni has provided somethingreally good and significant, but
I'm not going to talk about it.
No admission to Ishmael yet notalk of admissions to an
extended stay ward likeBloomfield Hospital out at
(25:31):
Orange, even though referralshave been sent off.
Unfortunately, the expectationobviously is on me to keep
making these phone calls and tryand chase up these things, even
though these referralsliterally say that elliot has
great difficulty in answeringand making phone calls.
Hey, how ironic, um.
So there you go.
So that's the life, and me.
The retroactive jealousyepisode, hopefully, is coming
(25:51):
out next.
It's going to be a cracker, um,but you know, if it takes a few
episodes to get there, don't betoo hard on me, because there,
because there's a lot ofsignificance behind it, there's
a lot of bad memories too, butit's going to be a big one.
All right, that's enough for me.
I've been babbling on way toomuch.
Thank you for listening, asalways, and I'll see you next
time here on the DysregulatedPodcast.
Thank you.
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