July 24, 2025 • 20 mins
After what’s felt like forever, I finally have a date locked in! I'm seeing a psychiatrist for an appointment to determine the next steps as far as my goal of tapering off all of my medications. Thank you, NSW public mental health system!
The main theme of the episode though is all about my morning. How an amazing opportunity for gratitude was driven away by my over-excited amygdala which sees threats everywhere. A beautiful drive around Newcastle on a perfect winters day, with nothing but blue skies should not be clouded by anxiety. But this is my everyday. Not easy. And I know this isn't just happening to me!
The positive is that momentum is being made as far as tapering medications is concerned, and making the system listen and help me with my goals. That hope is burning just that little bit brighter...
You can follow me on Instagram: @elliot.t.waters, and the show on Facebook!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
G'day everybody.
My name is Elliot Waters andyou're listening to the
Dysregulated Podcast, as always.
Thank you for tuning in.
If you're enjoying the show,feel free to like, subscribe,
give the show a great ratingbecause it's great for the
algorithm and you can share itaround with your mates.
And you can follow me onInstagram at elliottwaters, and
you can follow the show onFacebook by searching the
(00:31):
dysregulated podcast.
All right, so to begin with, I'msorry everybody, apologies,
I've got to stop doing this.
I keep doing this to you and Ineed to stop, and that is, by
you know, leaving yous all onmyself as well a cliffhanger of
an episode and then not updatingfor a while.
It's been over a week since thelast episode, and the last
(00:54):
episode was dealing with somepretty heavy stuff, and the one
before that was even heavier,and then all of a sudden radio
silence, so I apologize.
Thank you to everybody who hasreached out to make sure things
are going okay.
Things are going okay, but it'snot perfect.
Let's put it that way.
There's some good thingshappening, which I'll talk about
shortly, and there's some notso good things happening, but
(01:17):
may lead to good thingshappening, if that makes sense,
which I hope it will in a minute.
So the major news, the big news, is that I have a date.
I have a date with destiny.
I have a date with apsychiatrist at the James
Fletcher Hospital excuse me,james Fletcher Campus.
I have a appointment with apsychiatrist there, which will
(01:40):
then determine what the nextsteps are, whether that is
admission to IJMU, whetherthat's admission to another
extended stay unit, such asBloomfield that I've mentioned a
few times at Orange in centralNew South Wales, or even
Morrissette, a bit closer tohome, but usually for forensic
cases and those deemed unable tooperate, I suppose, safely in
(02:07):
the community.
So, unfortunately, a lot ofpeople with psychotic disorders
and schizophrenia seem to go toMorissette.
But, as I've said to them, I'mwilling to go there, I'll go
anywhere.
I need to get off thesemedications so I can change my
career and I can change thetrajectory of my life.
And I can change the trajectoryof my life and I can stop
living this garbage life andactually do some things and make
(02:28):
some change.
You know, out there and feelconfident about it and you know
all that sort of stuff.
I want to live a life where I'mcontent.
Sometimes I'm content, you know, and think, oh yeah, things are
pretty good right now, and youknow, I was even talking to my
father about it literally justbefore about how I'm constantly
and I've said this so many timeson the show, but it needs to be
said again because I need tokeep validating it to myself.
(02:50):
That's important.
What I'm saying is that I'mconstantly in a state of fight,
flight or freeze constantly gotthis hypervigilance driven by my
amygdala, my two amygdalas,driving this hypervigilance that
unfortunately, my prefrontalcortex is not strong enough, or
(03:11):
at least the neural pathway tothe amygdala is not strong
enough, to say hey, listen, I'vegot some logic here to say that
what you're stressing about isnot logical, it's not even close
to being part of what realityactually is.
Let's change our perception onthis situation.
Let's you know, maybe, forexample, go for a drive and not
(03:32):
expect people to t-bone meconstantly, like I always do,
even before I went for a drivebefore, because it's a beautiful
day here in Newcastle, abeautiful day, very cold start
to the day, and I couldn't sleeplast night, so I was up early
at like seven o'clock.
So I was like, instead oflaying in bed and just being
pissed off that I can't sleep, Imight as well get up and do
something.
So I went for a drive aroundNewcastle, around the beaches
(03:55):
Nobby's Beach, newcastle Beach,down past Bar Beach,
merriweather Beach, beautiful,beautiful, definitely God's
country.
I say it a lot, but it's trueNewcastle is God's country and
I'm having one of those ADHDmoments again where I'm
forgetting.
This happens and I say thisevery episode.
This happens every episode.
(04:15):
What was I saying?
I was driving.
Oh yeah, that's right.
Yes, I'm driving around and youknow the way I go.
I like to go through this areacalled Honeysuckle.
Right and around the beaches issort of one single lane in each
direction, you know.
So there's no person drivingnext to you, parallel.
(04:36):
Because when I'm in trafficwith cars parallel to me, next
to me, I keep looking at thedrivers next to me, their hand
positions, to see if they'veadjusted their hand position and
they're about to turn into meand cause an accident, cause a
crash, which will then cause amassive catastrophe.
I'll lose all my money, lose mycar, lose everything.
(04:58):
You know.
Seriously, that's what I'mthinking as I'm driving often
and you know, driving is mygreatest coping strategy.
It is it's my most adaptivestrategy that I've got to calm
down when I'm in thoseheightened moods.
But at the same time thatcreates heightened moods because
the actual act of driving or atleast the idiots around me I
(05:20):
feel as though that they'regoing to run into me and there's
going to be huge ramificationsmoving forward because of it.
So that's where I need astronger prefrontal.
So that's yeah.
So that's the amygdala, okay,the fierce sensory center of the
brain.
There's two round bits andthey're sort of above the ear,
in inside the brain subcorticalregions.
(05:41):
Anyway, these very old brainclumps and neurons.
The amygdala is all abouthypervigilance and making sure
that we don't get run over by abus, but more about making sure
we don't get eaten by a lion orripped apart by a bear although
there's not many bears inAustralia, not many lions either
, but still that's the wholepoint of the amygdala and it's a
(06:07):
very, very old part of thebrain, brain, subcortical part
of the brain, and it's beengreat because it stops people
from doing stupid things forstarters and getting killed, and
it also stops people from maybegetting into situations that
are not appropriate and not safeand can cause the potentiality
of some sort of negative eventhappening.
(06:27):
So the amygdala is all aboutkeeping us alive.
It looks around in theenvironment and it's like, all
right, I'm seeing threats there,got to be careful about that.
I'm seeing threats there, gotto be careful about that.
It's constantly scanning.
But the role of the prefrontalcortex at the front, you know,
behind your forehead, a muchnewer brain developed, part,
(06:50):
much, much newer.
It's not part of thesubcortical regions, it's come
later.
You know, 50,000 years laterit's evolved and it says hang on
, amygdala, we are living in2025 or whatever it is.
There's no lines here, we canrelax, it's fine.
Car accidents are rare.
We can relax, it's fine.
Yes, there is a danger,potentially when driving a motor
(07:14):
vehicle, but generally speaking, there are no problems.
It is fine, it's safe, it'sfine to do.
Just do it, don't worry aboutit.
And unfortunately, I don't havethat strong neural pathway
between my prefrontal cortexgiving that logical advice to my
amygdala and saying, hey, putyour guns down, it's all right,
we're safe, it's fine, we'regoing to be okay.
(07:36):
Unfortunately, my amygdala isso strong, my amygdala, that it
is overpowering, instead of theprefrontal cortex overpowering
the amygdala, like it should,obviously, if the scenario
constitutes it, becausesometimes there is legitimate
fear and the prefrontal cortexwill say, yep, amygdala, you
(07:57):
bang on.
This is not good.
Let's come up with a plantogether to get the hell out of
here.
You bang on.
This is not good.
Let's come up with a plantogether to get the hell out of
here.
But usually, most of the time,people have a very strong neural
pathway between the prefrontalcortex that's very loud and the
amygdala that's also loud, butwill listen to the prefrontal
cortex and most of the timepeople don't even think about
(08:17):
the threats that I think aboutconstantly, because they never
really see them, because theprefrontal cortex is so in tuned
and does such a good job atnullifying the overreaction of
the amygdala that these eventsdon't happen.
These events, as in thinkingthat things are going to happen
(08:38):
when they actually are not goingto happen at all, it's safe,
it's all right, put down yourguns, it's fine, amygdala, it's
fine, we're all right.
So, yeah, so I can't rememberwhy I brought that up, but that
was something that was big on mydrive this morning, which was
that I was having amygdalahijack and hijacking and it was.
It was a shame because it was abeautiful morning and I did not
(08:58):
want to be driving aroundworried about people hitting me
and, as I said, it's that muchof a concern that I've adapted
my behavior around this way ofthinking, this negative adaption
, this negative way of thinking,by driving certain routes that
are single lane.
(09:19):
So there is not that potentialor well, not as much potential
for anything to come flying infrom the side and whooshka.
But yeah, that's a verylong-winded example of what my
life is like and what it's likefor a lot of other people as
well.
There will be people listeningright now and I well, I know how
(09:43):
you feel.
I'm so sorry that you have togo through the same level of
hypervigilance as perhaps I dotoo, because it sucks, man, it
sucks.
I love driving, you know.
I love putting the windows downand playing songs, and I think
half the reason why I play mymusic so loud and sing so loud
is to try and drown out myamygdala, which sometimes I do a
(10:06):
better job of it than others,but unfortunately this morning
was not one of those bettertimes.
So anyway, that's the story.
That's what was happening thismorning.
Newcastle was putting on a show, looking beautiful, but
unfortunately my anxiety onceagain got in the way of what was
a beautiful moment to begrateful for, and it was really,
really beautiful.
(10:26):
Now I don't know why I gottalking onto that track, but I
know I was mentioning the datethat has been set.
The date has been, so I'm goingto go back to that.
I don't know when I was meantto explain that through that
long-winded story just then.
But anyway, we're going tocircle back to the dates.
The date has been made for meto have this appointment at
(10:47):
James Fletcher Hospital the 5thof August.
Write it down in your diariesthe 5th of August, elliot is
seeing a psychiatrist at JamesFletcher to figure out what the
next steps are.
Now I've already done a bit ofthe legwork already, which is
I've started tapering frommedications already.
Now I did not want to do thisin the community.
(11:09):
I did not want to do this athome, living in my bedroom where
I grew up in with my parents.
I just feel that if my negativeheadspace, that's already
withstanding, gets worse, thatthings will get really, really
bad.
But anyway, for some reasonI've decided you know what, to
hell with it.
I'm going to start early.
(11:30):
I have started tapering down mychlamypramine, my tricyclic
antidepressant.
Chlamypramine is a very, verystrong medication, very
serotonergic, so it's aserotonin norepinephrine
reuptake inhibitor, but verystrong on the serotonin reuptake
inhibination very strong, andthat's why it's good for things
(11:54):
like OCD, because there seems tobe this connection between
anxiety and OCD and serotonin.
But of course we know it's morecomplicated than just that.
But this is the gold standardtreatment for OCD.
I have OCD and that has beenthe treatment I've used, but at
the same time I don't think it'sdone the job, and chlamypramine
has a whole list of sideeffects that I could rattle off.
(12:19):
But the reason these tricyclicantidepressants are not used
much anymore is not because theydon't work, because they work
really well.
It's the side effects and thepotential ramifications longer
term, and that can includethings such as, from what I've
been reading, some neural issuesand some loss of some gray
(12:39):
matter and some movementdisorder sort of issues can
happen, which I'm alreadygetting.
I've already got bladder issuesand the other one has big
problems there too, and there'smore now all the dry mouth that
I get constantly and I'm just sodehydrated all the time.
There's a lot of side effectsto it is what I'm saying, and if
(13:00):
it's not quite doing the job,well, let's get rid of it
because it's not worth it,especially because I want to go
back into an industry, thetransport industry, which
generally requires you to be offthese sorts of medications,
because it's also very sedatingas well, and I have a big
problem with being very tiredand sleepy during the day Could
be connected, dunno, we're goingto find out.
(13:22):
So, anyway, so the medication Iwas on was I was on 250
milligrams.
The max dose generally well,not generally the accepted max
dose is 200, but it isn'tunheard of for people to go
higher to 250.
So that's 10 tablets, right?
So 10,.
These 25 milligram tablets,they're tiny.
(13:44):
It's the most painful thing inthe world.
Remember those little lollies,nerds for the people that I
don't know if it's an Australianthing or everywhere.
Those little nerds, thoselittle sort of ball things.
That's what these tablets arelike.
I'll push out 10 of these everynight when I have my medication
.
The dosage I've gone down.
I went down to eight, which is200 milligrams, of course, which
(14:06):
is the recommended max dose.
So I got down to at least thatpart, which is good.
Now I've gone further.
I'm now down to six.
So what's that?
150 milligrams?
And I'm going to sit on thisfor a little bit, because I had
me starting to get somewithdrawal effects.
Now I need to also.
(14:28):
Uh, there's a big caveat in thiswhich I haven't mentioned,
which is I'm on annual leave atthe moment.
I'm on annual leave, so I amable to just lay in bed all day
if I need to, while I'mwithdrawing off these
medications, and that's what hasstarted to happen.
So today is the first day allweek.
Today's Friday, I haven'treally done anything outside of
bed since I don't know.
Last Sunday probably, I'd sayVery little, been very tired,
(14:53):
had lots of sweats Not the sameas the real bad sweats that I
get sometimes after long periodsof panic.
These are more, I don't know,more like flushes, I suppose,
but yeah, lots of like stomachproblems and just feeling so,
just flat and just, oh man, it'sbeen hell.
(15:15):
It has been really difficult,but I'm just holding on and just
thinking look, even if I get itdown lower, even if I sit at,
so I've got next week annualleave as well.
Even if I sit on 150 milligramsfor another week and just sit
there until at least until the5th of August when I see this
psychiatrist, that's pretty good.
(15:37):
That's below the max dose.
Side effects will come down alittle bit.
The withdrawals will eventuallybalance out, which will be fine
.
Today is a much better day,although I couldn't sleep, which
I think is connected because itis sedating medication as well.
It's so complicated, there's somany moving parts, but today
(15:58):
has been a better day and I'vebeen on the six tablets, the 150
, for a few days now.
So hopefully I'm balancing outa bit.
I'm thinking about droppingdown to five, but we'll see.
We'll see how we go.
I'm not completely sold on that, but maybe, maybe.
(16:18):
And did I just get my mathswrong?
How many?
Six times 25, what's that?
22, 550.
Yeah, it's what.
What See, this is.
This is where this is a goodillustration, actually, of how
frustrating my brain is.
So I'm talking about prettyadvanced neuroscience right now,
(16:41):
the.
You know, most undergraduateswouldn't really have a taste of
the depth of what I'm sort oftalking about here when it comes
to, you know the yeah, myneuropsychological makeup,
anyway, so I can talk about, youknow what I feel are advanced
topics like that with notrelative ease but a sense of
(17:03):
expertise, because I've done alot of practice.
You know, my whole life I'vebeen mimicking social behavior
and trying to figure out what itis people are doing, and I've
also done a degree in it andI've done a lot of work in the
space and some would say that todo.
You know, I don't think this isbeing arrogant, but to have
some degree of authority on thatlevel of neuroscience.
(17:25):
Not that I'm a neuroscientist,don't get me wrong, definitely
not.
It's basic overall, I mean forthe general person.
You know, you've got to have areasonable level of IQ and yet I
can't figure out what.
25 times 6 is 150.
That's right.
So if I go down to is 125.
This is what I thought.
(17:46):
So how much 10?
Oh, I don't know.
Anyway, whatever, down to 125.
But that is an example of howpainful my brain is that I can
talk about stuff likeneuroscience.
But then a simple calculation Ididn't say out loud what I
thought the answer was, butthankfully, 125 is what I was
(18:06):
thinking.
But I just don't under.
Hang on, how does that work?
That can't what?
Oh, cause 125 times two is is250, not 300.
Okay, all right.
So there you go, everybody.
I've, I've, it's, it's official,I can't do basic maths.
It's official, I can't do basicmaths.
(18:26):
That's crazy.
Why did my brain, why did Ithink 125, for some reason, was
300 milligrams?
That's what was getting methere just then.
I was like, hang on, when I wastaking 10 tablets a night.
I wasn't taking 300 milligrams.
Anyway, it doesn't matter, it'sbeen figured out.
I'm sorry, this is probably notentertaining whatsoever.
So I'm sorry, this is probablynot entertaining whatsoever, so
(18:48):
I'm going to wrap this up.
So I'm going to wrap this upwith a lot.
Well, now I've got to lick mywounds now.
That was quite embarrassing,but again, it's an example of
how neurodiverse people such asmyself, our brains, work in
different ways, how we can befixated on one topic but then be
quite blinded on another.
That is a great example that Iwish I could say I did on
(19:09):
purpose, but I certainly did not.
But anyway, the moral of thestory is I'm tapering off some
medications.
It's been a really hard coupleof weeks, let me tell you.
It's been a really, really hard, really hard couple of weeks
and I've got a feeling it'sgoing to get harder.
So thank you everybody,everybody, for your support so
far.
I do appreciate it.
I'm horrendous at replying atmessages.
(19:31):
I'm sorry, it's a socialcapacity thing.
It's not that I don't care, Ipromise.
Trust me, I think aboutreplying to messages constantly
because I feel so guilty and Iwant to engage with people, but
that social capacity just getsin the way when I'm on zero.
I just can't do it.
It's just oh anyway.
Anyway, thank you for listeningeverybody.
(19:56):
So the date has been set.
The main moral of this episode,which I barely touched on, is
the fact that I am seeing thepsychiatrist that has the
potential, that has the power,the authority to make some
decisions regarding mytrajectory forward.
It's all happening the 5th ofAugust and I'm holding on to
hope that things are going toturn around and that's going to
be that sort of turning moment.
And it's like boom.
(20:16):
I look back and think, yep,that was it when they said
Elliot, we're going to admit youto wherever.
That was the turning point.
Look at me, go now, you know,two years later, I've got
everything I want.
I don't know.
Anyway, all right, thank youeverybody.
Thank you for listening.
I do appreciate it.
You can follow me on Instagramat elliotttwaters, and you can
follow the show, remember, onFacebook by searching the
(20:38):
Dysregulated Podcast.
Until next time.
Thanks for listening.
Goodbye, thank you.
G'day everybody.
My name is Elliot Waters andyou're listening to the
Dysregulated Podcast, as always.
Thank you for tuning in.
If you're enjoying the show,feel free to like, subscribe,
give the show a great ratingbecause it's great for the
algorithm and you can share itaround with your mates.
And you can follow me onInstagram at elliottwaters, and
you can follow the show onFacebook by searching the
(00:31):
dysregulated podcast.
All right, so to begin with, I'msorry everybody, apologies,
I've got to stop doing this.
I keep doing this to you and Ineed to stop, and that is, by
you know, leaving yous all onmyself as well a cliffhanger of
an episode and then not updatingfor a while.
It's been over a week since thelast episode, and the last
(00:54):
episode was dealing with somepretty heavy stuff, and the one
before that was even heavier,and then all of a sudden radio
silence, so I apologize.
Thank you to everybody who hasreached out to make sure things
are going okay.
Things are going okay, but it'snot perfect.
Let's put it that way.
There's some good thingshappening, which I'll talk about
shortly, and there's some notso good things happening, but
(01:17):
may lead to good thingshappening, if that makes sense,
which I hope it will in a minute.
So the major news, the big news, is that I have a date.
I have a date with destiny.
I have a date with apsychiatrist at the James
Fletcher Hospital excuse me,james Fletcher Campus.
I have a appointment with apsychiatrist there, which will
(01:40):
then determine what the nextsteps are, whether that is
admission to IJMU, whetherthat's admission to another
extended stay unit, such asBloomfield that I've mentioned a
few times at Orange in centralNew South Wales, or even
Morrissette, a bit closer tohome, but usually for forensic
cases and those deemed unable tooperate, I suppose, safely in
(02:07):
the community.
So, unfortunately, a lot ofpeople with psychotic disorders
and schizophrenia seem to go toMorissette.
But, as I've said to them, I'mwilling to go there, I'll go
anywhere.
I need to get off thesemedications so I can change my
career and I can change thetrajectory of my life.
And I can change the trajectoryof my life and I can stop
living this garbage life andactually do some things and make
(02:28):
some change.
You know, out there and feelconfident about it and you know
all that sort of stuff.
I want to live a life where I'mcontent.
Sometimes I'm content, you know, and think, oh yeah, things are
pretty good right now, and youknow, I was even talking to my
father about it literally justbefore about how I'm constantly
and I've said this so many timeson the show, but it needs to be
said again because I need tokeep validating it to myself.
(02:50):
That's important.
What I'm saying is that I'mconstantly in a state of fight,
flight or freeze constantly gotthis hypervigilance driven by my
amygdala, my two amygdalas,driving this hypervigilance that
unfortunately, my prefrontalcortex is not strong enough, or
(03:11):
at least the neural pathway tothe amygdala is not strong
enough, to say hey, listen, I'vegot some logic here to say that
what you're stressing about isnot logical, it's not even close
to being part of what realityactually is.
Let's change our perception onthis situation.
Let's you know, maybe, forexample, go for a drive and not
(03:32):
expect people to t-bone meconstantly, like I always do,
even before I went for a drivebefore, because it's a beautiful
day here in Newcastle, abeautiful day, very cold start
to the day, and I couldn't sleeplast night, so I was up early
at like seven o'clock.
So I was like, instead oflaying in bed and just being
pissed off that I can't sleep, Imight as well get up and do
something.
So I went for a drive aroundNewcastle, around the beaches
(03:55):
Nobby's Beach, newcastle Beach,down past Bar Beach,
merriweather Beach, beautiful,beautiful, definitely God's
country.
I say it a lot, but it's trueNewcastle is God's country and
I'm having one of those ADHDmoments again where I'm
forgetting.
This happens and I say thisevery episode.
This happens every episode.
(04:15):
What was I saying?
I was driving.
Oh yeah, that's right.
Yes, I'm driving around and youknow the way I go.
I like to go through this areacalled Honeysuckle.
Right and around the beaches issort of one single lane in each
direction, you know.
So there's no person drivingnext to you, parallel.
(04:36):
Because when I'm in trafficwith cars parallel to me, next
to me, I keep looking at thedrivers next to me, their hand
positions, to see if they'veadjusted their hand position and
they're about to turn into meand cause an accident, cause a
crash, which will then cause amassive catastrophe.
I'll lose all my money, lose mycar, lose everything.
(04:58):
You know.
Seriously, that's what I'mthinking as I'm driving often
and you know, driving is mygreatest coping strategy.
It is it's my most adaptivestrategy that I've got to calm
down when I'm in thoseheightened moods.
But at the same time thatcreates heightened moods because
the actual act of driving or atleast the idiots around me I
(05:20):
feel as though that they'regoing to run into me and there's
going to be huge ramificationsmoving forward because of it.
So that's where I need astronger prefrontal.
So that's yeah.
So that's the amygdala, okay,the fierce sensory center of the
brain.
There's two round bits andthey're sort of above the ear,
in inside the brain subcorticalregions.
(05:41):
Anyway, these very old brainclumps and neurons.
The amygdala is all abouthypervigilance and making sure
that we don't get run over by abus, but more about making sure
we don't get eaten by a lion orripped apart by a bear although
there's not many bears inAustralia, not many lions either
, but still that's the wholepoint of the amygdala and it's a
(06:07):
very, very old part of thebrain, brain, subcortical part
of the brain, and it's beengreat because it stops people
from doing stupid things forstarters and getting killed, and
it also stops people from maybegetting into situations that
are not appropriate and not safeand can cause the potentiality
of some sort of negative eventhappening.
(06:27):
So the amygdala is all aboutkeeping us alive.
It looks around in theenvironment and it's like, all
right, I'm seeing threats there,got to be careful about that.
I'm seeing threats there, gotto be careful about that.
It's constantly scanning.
But the role of the prefrontalcortex at the front, you know,
behind your forehead, a muchnewer brain developed, part,
(06:50):
much, much newer.
It's not part of thesubcortical regions, it's come
later.
You know, 50,000 years laterit's evolved and it says hang on
, amygdala, we are living in2025 or whatever it is.
There's no lines here, we canrelax, it's fine.
Car accidents are rare.
We can relax, it's fine.
Yes, there is a danger,potentially when driving a motor
(07:14):
vehicle, but generally speaking, there are no problems.
It is fine, it's safe, it'sfine to do.
Just do it, don't worry aboutit.
And unfortunately, I don't havethat strong neural pathway
between my prefrontal cortexgiving that logical advice to my
amygdala and saying, hey, putyour guns down, it's all right,
we're safe, it's fine, we'regoing to be okay.
(07:36):
Unfortunately, my amygdala isso strong, my amygdala, that it
is overpowering, instead of theprefrontal cortex overpowering
the amygdala, like it should,obviously, if the scenario
constitutes it, becausesometimes there is legitimate
fear and the prefrontal cortexwill say, yep, amygdala, you
(07:57):
bang on.
This is not good.
Let's come up with a plantogether to get the hell out of
here.
You bang on.
This is not good.
Let's come up with a plantogether to get the hell out of
here.
But usually, most of the time,people have a very strong neural
pathway between the prefrontalcortex that's very loud and the
amygdala that's also loud, butwill listen to the prefrontal
cortex and most of the timepeople don't even think about
(08:17):
the threats that I think aboutconstantly, because they never
really see them, because theprefrontal cortex is so in tuned
and does such a good job atnullifying the overreaction of
the amygdala that these eventsdon't happen.
These events, as in thinkingthat things are going to happen
(08:38):
when they actually are not goingto happen at all, it's safe,
it's all right, put down yourguns, it's fine, amygdala, it's
fine, we're all right.
So, yeah, so I can't rememberwhy I brought that up, but that
was something that was big on mydrive this morning, which was
that I was having amygdalahijack and hijacking and it was.
It was a shame because it was abeautiful morning and I did not
(08:58):
want to be driving aroundworried about people hitting me
and, as I said, it's that muchof a concern that I've adapted
my behavior around this way ofthinking, this negative adaption
, this negative way of thinking,by driving certain routes that
are single lane.
(09:19):
So there is not that potentialor well, not as much potential
for anything to come flying infrom the side and whooshka.
But yeah, that's a verylong-winded example of what my
life is like and what it's likefor a lot of other people as
well.
There will be people listeningright now and I well, I know how
(09:43):
you feel.
I'm so sorry that you have togo through the same level of
hypervigilance as perhaps I dotoo, because it sucks, man, it
sucks.
I love driving, you know.
I love putting the windows downand playing songs, and I think
half the reason why I play mymusic so loud and sing so loud
is to try and drown out myamygdala, which sometimes I do a
(10:06):
better job of it than others,but unfortunately this morning
was not one of those bettertimes.
So anyway, that's the story.
That's what was happening thismorning.
Newcastle was putting on a show, looking beautiful, but
unfortunately my anxiety onceagain got in the way of what was
a beautiful moment to begrateful for, and it was really,
really beautiful.
(10:26):
Now I don't know why I gottalking onto that track, but I
know I was mentioning the datethat has been set.
The date has been, so I'm goingto go back to that.
I don't know when I was meantto explain that through that
long-winded story just then.
But anyway, we're going tocircle back to the dates.
The date has been made for meto have this appointment at
(10:47):
James Fletcher Hospital the 5thof August.
Write it down in your diariesthe 5th of August, elliot is
seeing a psychiatrist at JamesFletcher to figure out what the
next steps are.
Now I've already done a bit ofthe legwork already, which is
I've started tapering frommedications already.
Now I did not want to do thisin the community.
(11:09):
I did not want to do this athome, living in my bedroom where
I grew up in with my parents.
I just feel that if my negativeheadspace, that's already
withstanding, gets worse, thatthings will get really, really
bad.
But anyway, for some reasonI've decided you know what, to
hell with it.
I'm going to start early.
(11:30):
I have started tapering down mychlamypramine, my tricyclic
antidepressant.
Chlamypramine is a very, verystrong medication, very
serotonergic, so it's aserotonin norepinephrine
reuptake inhibitor, but verystrong on the serotonin reuptake
inhibination very strong, andthat's why it's good for things
(11:54):
like OCD, because there seems tobe this connection between
anxiety and OCD and serotonin.
But of course we know it's morecomplicated than just that.
But this is the gold standardtreatment for OCD.
I have OCD and that has beenthe treatment I've used, but at
the same time I don't think it'sdone the job, and chlamypramine
has a whole list of sideeffects that I could rattle off.
(12:19):
But the reason these tricyclicantidepressants are not used
much anymore is not because theydon't work, because they work
really well.
It's the side effects and thepotential ramifications longer
term, and that can includethings such as, from what I've
been reading, some neural issuesand some loss of some gray
(12:39):
matter and some movementdisorder sort of issues can
happen, which I'm alreadygetting.
I've already got bladder issuesand the other one has big
problems there too, and there'smore now all the dry mouth that
I get constantly and I'm just sodehydrated all the time.
There's a lot of side effectsto it is what I'm saying, and if
(13:00):
it's not quite doing the job,well, let's get rid of it
because it's not worth it,especially because I want to go
back into an industry, thetransport industry, which
generally requires you to be offthese sorts of medications,
because it's also very sedatingas well, and I have a big
problem with being very tiredand sleepy during the day Could
be connected, dunno, we're goingto find out.
(13:22):
So, anyway, so the medication Iwas on was I was on 250
milligrams.
The max dose generally well,not generally the accepted max
dose is 200, but it isn'tunheard of for people to go
higher to 250.
So that's 10 tablets, right?
So 10,.
These 25 milligram tablets,they're tiny.
(13:44):
It's the most painful thing inthe world.
Remember those little lollies,nerds for the people that I
don't know if it's an Australianthing or everywhere.
Those little nerds, thoselittle sort of ball things.
That's what these tablets arelike.
I'll push out 10 of these everynight when I have my medication
.
The dosage I've gone down.
I went down to eight, which is200 milligrams, of course, which
(14:06):
is the recommended max dose.
So I got down to at least thatpart, which is good.
Now I've gone further.
I'm now down to six.
So what's that?
150 milligrams?
And I'm going to sit on thisfor a little bit, because I had
me starting to get somewithdrawal effects.
Now I need to also.
(14:28):
Uh, there's a big caveat in thiswhich I haven't mentioned,
which is I'm on annual leave atthe moment.
I'm on annual leave, so I amable to just lay in bed all day
if I need to, while I'mwithdrawing off these
medications, and that's what hasstarted to happen.
So today is the first day allweek.
Today's Friday, I haven'treally done anything outside of
bed since I don't know.
Last Sunday probably, I'd sayVery little, been very tired,
(14:53):
had lots of sweats Not the sameas the real bad sweats that I
get sometimes after long periodsof panic.
These are more, I don't know,more like flushes, I suppose,
but yeah, lots of like stomachproblems and just feeling so,
just flat and just, oh man, it'sbeen hell.
(15:15):
It has been really difficult,but I'm just holding on and just
thinking look, even if I get itdown lower, even if I sit at,
so I've got next week annualleave as well.
Even if I sit on 150 milligramsfor another week and just sit
there until at least until the5th of August when I see this
psychiatrist, that's pretty good.
(15:37):
That's below the max dose.
Side effects will come down alittle bit.
The withdrawals will eventuallybalance out, which will be fine
.
Today is a much better day,although I couldn't sleep, which
I think is connected because itis sedating medication as well.
It's so complicated, there's somany moving parts, but today
(15:58):
has been a better day and I'vebeen on the six tablets, the 150
, for a few days now.
So hopefully I'm balancing outa bit.
I'm thinking about droppingdown to five, but we'll see.
We'll see how we go.
I'm not completely sold on that, but maybe, maybe.
(16:18):
And did I just get my mathswrong?
How many?
Six times 25, what's that?
22, 550.
Yeah, it's what.
What See, this is.
This is where this is a goodillustration, actually, of how
frustrating my brain is.
So I'm talking about prettyadvanced neuroscience right now,
(16:41):
the.
You know, most undergraduateswouldn't really have a taste of
the depth of what I'm sort oftalking about here when it comes
to, you know the yeah, myneuropsychological makeup,
anyway, so I can talk about, youknow what I feel are advanced
topics like that with notrelative ease but a sense of
(17:03):
expertise, because I've done alot of practice.
You know, my whole life I'vebeen mimicking social behavior
and trying to figure out what itis people are doing, and I've
also done a degree in it andI've done a lot of work in the
space and some would say that todo.
You know, I don't think this isbeing arrogant, but to have
some degree of authority on thatlevel of neuroscience.
(17:25):
Not that I'm a neuroscientist,don't get me wrong, definitely
not.
It's basic overall, I mean forthe general person.
You know, you've got to have areasonable level of IQ and yet I
can't figure out what.
25 times 6 is 150.
That's right.
So if I go down to is 125.
This is what I thought.
(17:46):
So how much 10?
Oh, I don't know.
Anyway, whatever, down to 125.
But that is an example of howpainful my brain is that I can
talk about stuff likeneuroscience.
But then a simple calculation Ididn't say out loud what I
thought the answer was, butthankfully, 125 is what I was
(18:06):
thinking.
But I just don't under.
Hang on, how does that work?
That can't what?
Oh, cause 125 times two is is250, not 300.
Okay, all right.
So there you go, everybody.
I've, I've, it's, it's official,I can't do basic maths.
It's official, I can't do basicmaths.
(18:26):
That's crazy.
Why did my brain, why did Ithink 125, for some reason, was
300 milligrams?
That's what was getting methere just then.
I was like, hang on, when I wastaking 10 tablets a night.
I wasn't taking 300 milligrams.
Anyway, it doesn't matter, it'sbeen figured out.
I'm sorry, this is probably notentertaining whatsoever.
So I'm sorry, this is probablynot entertaining whatsoever, so
(18:48):
I'm going to wrap this up.
So I'm going to wrap this upwith a lot.
Well, now I've got to lick mywounds now.
That was quite embarrassing,but again, it's an example of
how neurodiverse people such asmyself, our brains, work in
different ways, how we can befixated on one topic but then be
quite blinded on another.
That is a great example that Iwish I could say I did on
(19:09):
purpose, but I certainly did not.
But anyway, the moral of thestory is I'm tapering off some
medications.
It's been a really hard coupleof weeks, let me tell you.
It's been a really, really hard, really hard couple of weeks
and I've got a feeling it'sgoing to get harder.
So thank you everybody,everybody, for your support so
far.
I do appreciate it.
I'm horrendous at replying atmessages.
(19:31):
I'm sorry, it's a socialcapacity thing.
It's not that I don't care, Ipromise.
Trust me, I think aboutreplying to messages constantly
because I feel so guilty and Iwant to engage with people, but
that social capacity just getsin the way when I'm on zero.
I just can't do it.
It's just oh anyway.
Anyway, thank you for listeningeverybody.
(19:56):
So the date has been set.
The main moral of this episode,which I barely touched on, is
the fact that I am seeing thepsychiatrist that has the
potential, that has the power,the authority to make some
decisions regarding mytrajectory forward.
It's all happening the 5th ofAugust and I'm holding on to
hope that things are going toturn around and that's going to
be that sort of turning moment.
And it's like boom.
(20:16):
I look back and think, yep,that was it when they said
Elliot, we're going to admit youto wherever.
That was the turning point.
Look at me, go now, you know,two years later, I've got
everything I want.
I don't know.
Anyway, all right, thank youeverybody.
Thank you for listening.
I do appreciate it.
You can follow me on Instagramat elliotttwaters, and you can
follow the show, remember, onFacebook by searching the
(20:38):
Dysregulated Podcast.
Until next time.
Thanks for listening.
Goodbye, thank you.
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