October 2, 2025 • 22 mins
Follow my journey through the chaos of mental illness and the hard-fought lessons learned along the way.
Lived experience is at the heart of this podcast — every episode told through my own lens, with raw honesty and zero filter.
This is a genuine and vulnerable account of how multiple psychological disorders have shaped my past and continue to influence my future.
You can follow me on Instagram: @elliot.t.waters, and the show on Facebook!
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Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:09):
G'day everybody, my name is Ellie Waters, and you're
listening to the DISS RegulatorPodcast.
As always, thank you for tuningin.
Alright, today's episode is justa quick look at how I have been
traveling as far as my mood'sconcerned over the last two
weeks.
Um, and I've got a little bit ofgood news to report on as well.
But before I do that, I want topreface this episode by saying,
(00:31):
as I'm talking to you righthere, right now, I am struggling
from a serious case of drymouth.
Oh, all day I've been battlingit.
All day it's been terrible.
So if I'm stumbling over words alittle bit, or um my sentences
aren't as clear as normal, or ormy speech isn't as fluid as
(00:51):
perhaps you would expect of me,um, that's because I am battling
this really severe dry mouthtoday.
Um, but you know, that's allpart of the the deal, you know.
The dry mouth is coming from umpotentially my medications, um,
because all of my meds on theirown come with uh the potential
(01:12):
for dry mouth as a side effect.
So you can imagine you put eightof them together like I do, you
know, there's a high probabilityof dry mouth.
Um and the other reason is thatuh dry mouth is often a
consequence of anxiety, whetherit be generalized anxiety,
social anxiety, um, you know,panic disorder, that sort of
stuff.
Um, unfortunately, fight orflight as well, dry mouth tends
(01:35):
to go hand in hand with theanxiety response as well.
So um, so you can imaginesomeone who has anxiety just
about 24-7 and who's on eightmedications, um, dry mouth is a
big part of my lived and livingexperience of mental ill health.
Um, so it's quite fitting thattime to time, from time to time,
(01:56):
uh, I will do these episodeswhere I do have dry mouth um
because you know that's part ofmy story, and it's part of a lot
of people's story as well.
Um, it just shows though howresilient I am that you know I'm
able to push through despite itall.
Um because yeah, dry mouth is abig part of my story.
(02:16):
It's a big part of a lot ofpeople's story.
So, you know, it's got to be abig part of this podcast because
this is, of course, the mostreal, raw, genuine, honest fed
income look at mental ill healththat there is.
So, as a consequence, dry mouthis a big part of the story.
So, anyway, if I'm not soundingvery clear, all right, um,
please keep your feedback mostlypositive because you know I am
(02:40):
suffering from dry mouth.
I'm doing the best that I can.
Anyway, let's move on quicklyfrom that.
Um, because I don't know howmany more words I've got left in
me before my mouth completelyseizes.
Um, so let me tell you about thelittle bit of good news, which
is I've been in the news lately.
Um, so I've been interviewed onthe radio, I've been interviewed
(03:00):
for the newspaper, uh, promotingthe Better Left Said Podcast,
which is the podcast researchstudy that I'm a part of through
the University of Newcastle,along with uh my supervisor from
my honours year, leadresearcher, associate professor,
Dr.
Miles Young, and also LizDascombe, who is the PhD
candidate.
(03:21):
So the Better Left Said podcastum is her project for her PhD.
Um and I'm a part of the team aswell, uh, with my lived
experience perspective.
So I've helped co-design thepodcast, and I'm also a co-host
as well.
Uh, and at the moment we arelooking for participants.
(03:42):
Um, so it's aimed at men.
So if you haven't listened tosome of the previous episodes
where I've talked briefly aboutthis podcast, um the Better Left
said podcast is aimed and is allabout men's mental health.
So it's got stories, it's gotpractical strategies, research
insights, and of course greatconversations facilitated by
(04:03):
yours truly.
Um, but it is a great podcastwith some great information.
I think it's it's reallyawesome.
Um, and it is it is targeted atmen um who suffer from low mood
uh andor anxiety because theresearch is quite clear in
Australia at least, although Ithink this is something that can
(04:26):
be um extrapolated to a lot ofdifferent population groups and
samples.
Um but in Australia the researchis very clear that men do
struggle to engage withtraditional, say, psychotherapy,
for example, in a clinic.
Um, you know, we we know thatthere's a big issue with men's
mental health out there becausewe know the you know the rates
(04:50):
of depression in men andanxiety, and we know the suicide
statistics, and you know, a lotof these stats do not paint a
very good picture.
But what's even worse really isthat the research um also tells
us that um men do not engagewith psychological services or
psychiatry on a level thatperhaps you know we would like
(05:13):
to see for a cohort that isstruggling, um generally
speaking.
Um, so what Miles does, Dr.
Miles Young does a lot, becausehe's a men's um mental health
researcher, and and I guess I amas well, because I'm part of his
team.
Um, but what he's really focusedon is looking for new and novel
(05:34):
ways to engage men with ummental health services and and
engage with men to improvemental health, you know,
understanding and literacy andand have people more confident
in talking about it with othersand you know trying to get rid
of the stigma at the same time.
Um so it's a great honor andprivilege to work on these
(05:55):
projects with um Miles.
We've also got uh the walk andtalk therapy project that's
that's um that's going on at themoment as well.
Um so it's another example of oftrying to come up with some
novel ways to get men involvedum with psychotherapy.
So what we're looking at inresearch um is if um walk and
(06:18):
talk therapy, so that's wherethe therapist walks with the
client, the male, uh, outdoors.
And he says sitting indoors in aclinic, um, therapy is conducted
outdoors while they're walking.
Um, so we're looking to see ifthat way of packaging therapy is
more digestible for our malesamples.
Um, the results aren't in justyet, but we're pretty confident
(06:41):
there's going to be a verysignificant result that comes
out of this, and the conclusionsthen will be significant that
we're able to draw from that,which is great.
Um, you know, this is realresearch that's got real life
implications.
And that's I guess where I bringa lot of you know, my experience
to these projects is that um,you know, often I found in my
(07:04):
degree, not the degree, thedegree is fine, but a lot of the
research that I've evaluated inmy degree, for example, you read
it and you look at it, and it'slike, okay, this is research
that's been written for otherresearchers, instead of say,
research that's been conductedfor the mental health consumer
of services, which is the personwith depression or anxiety or
(07:26):
whatever.
Um, so I'm lucky in the sensethat I have a foot in each camp.
So on one hand, I'm a mentalhealth researcher and advocate,
but then on the other hand, I ama consumer of mental health
services.
So my role in these projects isto ensure that when we design um
these projects, that they'reactually applicable to the
target, you know, audience,market segment of the population
(07:49):
that we're trying to appeal to,which in this case is men with
low mood andor anxiety.
Um, because a lot of research uhdoesn't have much real-world
implications, you know.
Um, and and what I love aboutthe research I do with Miles is
again, like I said, it's it'sreally focused on all right,
we've got a problem in thecommunity, obviously, because
(08:11):
mental health statistics are notparticularly good, and we know
that there's barriers for men toget the help that they need.
So let's come up with ways totry and get around this problem.
And my role is to offer myinsights from my own lived and
living experience, but also um,I guess, as an you know, I I
(08:32):
present an aggregate of all thestories that I hear from people
and bring that knowledge with meto the table as well.
So it's a great honor, as Isaid, and privilege to be a part
of the team.
Um, and they're just great.
Like Liz is great, Miles isgreat, the rest of the
researchers are amazing as well.
Um, and it's just it's I'm justyeah, it's such a privilege to
be a part of the team.
(08:53):
Um, but it's been the the radiostuff and the newspaper and
everything, the media blitz hasbeen pretty cool.
Um, but it's been pretty cool umon a deeper level than just I
don't know, getting my name outthere.
It's not really about getting myname out there, but what it is
about is you know, being in thenewspaper and having my photo
(09:13):
there and everything next tothese great researchers and you
know, my quotes and being onradio and you know, it's not
about blowing, you know, wind upone's backside or anything, or
or thinking I'm the world'sgreatest gift to radio or or
news news or media.
Like it's nothing to do withthat.
Why why why it's great um isbecause you know, I've really
(09:35):
felt like I've belonged as partof this team.
You know, when I'll be gettinginterviewed and stuff by the
media outlets, you know, I'vehad good answers, I've had good
things to say, um, and I havefelt like I belong, you know,
and that's that's a great, greatfeeling, especially for someone
like me who, you know, you know,imposter syndrome is a huge part
(09:59):
of my story.
The inner critic is a huge partof my story.
If you've listened to anyepisode on this podcast, you
would know that those twoconstructs and concepts are a
huge part of my lived and livingexperience, and they drive a lot
of these feelings of inadequacyand and all that sort of stuff,
inferiority.
And but the last two weeks doingthese media engagements, it's
(10:24):
like, yeah, I belong here, youknow.
This is right, you know, Ibelong, I I should be sitting
around the big research table,you know, because my
experiences, my livedexperience, but also my research
now and my, you know, generalcommitment to improving mental
health outcomes in thecommunity, um, I've felt like
(10:45):
that, you know, I should bethere and I deserve to be there,
and I have good things to offer.
And that is not something thatcomes naturally to me, that way
of thinking.
And to be honest, it's been abit of a shock, but it's been a
great surprise because it's umyou know, it's really validated
me in a big way, and it's beenreally good, really good.
Um, so good work, Elliot.
(11:07):
Um, because we know that youknow I'm still not quite in the
career that I want to be in, butI can feel now I'm getting
close, you know, to beingconfident enough to pivot to
mental health full on, you know.
The last two weeks inparticular, being at the
university as well, helping withthe research as well as the
media stuff, like all of it puttogether, you know, I felt like,
(11:28):
you know, that I belong and thisis what I should be doing.
And that's a great feeling forsomeone who doesn't feel like
that very often.
So I don't know, maybe this isuh the sort of turning point,
uh, as I said, like a pivottowards um, you know, this sort
of um work full-time, becausethat would be great.
Because um, yeah, I I I thinkthis is what I should be doing,
(11:50):
you know, this is what I wasdestined to do.
I've just I just need theconfidence to do it.
But slowly but surely I thinkwe're getting there.
I think, and of course, I willlet you all know about it, how
that goes, every up and down,and everything else you're gonna
hear all about here on the show.
So trust me, if I ever do hitthe point where I'm like, yep,
(12:10):
big tick, I've hit the point ofno return, I am super confident
in my abilities.
Trust me, you guys will be thefirst to know because I will not
be able to hide it from anybody.
Um, because that way of positivethinking is so crucial, and I
think I can get there,hopefully.
Um, all right, speaking of ummood and all that sort of stuff,
(12:31):
just before my voice umcompletely goes and and I can't
move my mouth because it's soconcrete shut, feels like it's
full of cement and it's about toset, so I need to be quick.
Um the my mood over the last twoweeks uh has been alright.
It's been okay.
Um remember recently I've goneon recently-ish, I've gone on
(12:56):
metazapine.
Um the last couple of weeks I'vegone on the 30 milligrams dose.
Um, I'm not completely sure it'sdoing anything major, but at the
same time, I wouldn't say it'sdoing anything, making things
worse, so that's good.
Um I've been very anxious still,of course.
As I said, you know, as I sayall the time, it's a 24-7 sort
(13:17):
of um, you know, beast that I'mup against, this whole anxiety
thing.
But you know, I've pushed on.
Um, I have decided, I can'tremember if I said this on the
on the episode previous.
I might have, I might not have,but I am going back to at least
four days a week at work becausewhat I discovered was being away
from work more.
Because remember, the idea was Iwould stay, I was doing less
(13:40):
days to help with my anxiety andmy social capacity issues and
all that sort of stuff.
But I don't think that doingless days, I think it's helped a
bit with the social capacitystuff because when I am at work,
I seem to be a little bithappier to help people, and I
don't quite feel as um I guessburnt out socially as maybe
(14:02):
ordinarily I would, but sothat's a good thing, but
unfortunately, um the days I'vehad off, I've just been anxious,
thinking I haven't got enoughmoney, and uh I don't know.
If I this always happens if Ihave a bit of time away from
work, like if it's annual leaveor something, I think we all get
this to a certain degree, but Ialways have a real big problem
(14:22):
um going back and not havingmassive panic attacks before my
first shift back.
And what I've found is that it'slike I've had many annual leave
breaks, and every week when I goback on the Wednesday or
Thursday um towards the end ofthe week, I have this real you
know panic set in.
And the problem is it's alsobeen happening um the days that
(14:45):
I've been off.
I've been thinking and dwellingon the fact I'm not at work and
all this sort of stuff.
So I reckon, to be honest, onthe balance of things, um,
although having a bit of timeoff has definitely helped my
social capacity because I'm notas grumpy and and gruff at work,
um, or at least I try not to be.
(15:06):
Um, unfortunately the anxiety isstill there though.
And you know, and there's othercosts involved, like for
example, my income.
I'm not earning as much.
So on the balance of things, um,I think going back to at least
four days a week, which is nowwhat I'm doing, um, with the
option to go back to five, um, Ithink doing at least four days
(15:26):
is a good idea.
It's a good idea financiallybecause I've still got to pay
for therapy, of course.
Therapy's not cheap, my medsaren't cheap.
Um, you know, so I've got tokeep the money rolling in uh
because to um to give myselfevery chance of you know getting
to the point where I amconfident in my own abilities
and able to um, you know, chasethis career in mental health and
(15:50):
stuff, you know, I I still see abig part of me getting to that
point is me having to keep goingto therapy.
See, I'm lucky in the fact thatI actually like going to
therapy.
So although I was saying before,um a lot of men do struggle to
go to the traditional type ofsit-down talk therapy, um,
that's never been a problem forme.
I quite like going.
(16:10):
Uh, the issue is I just don'tlike how much it costs me,
that's all.
So, yeah, but anyway, as weknow, um therapy is a big part
of my prognosis moving forward,especially with the with the
metazapine not really doing ahuge amount, I don't think.
Like, you know, I've exhaustedjust about all avenues when it
comes to medications.
Like, there's not many left Ihaven't tried.
(16:33):
I've I've trialed over 30 medsor something, I'm on eight now.
You know, there comes a pointwhere you think, all right, the
meds have done as much as theycan, psychotherapy's got to be
the way forward.
And we we know this.
I've got personality disorders,and you know, a lot of my um,
you know, the labels I've gotand stuff would suggest
borderline personality sort ofbeing one of the main ones,
(16:54):
would suggest so therapy is theway for me to get to that point
that I'm I'm aiming for.
So that's fine, but uh, but ofcourse, these things, like I
said, cost money, so I need tobe at work, and I may as well be
at work because when I'm notthere, I'm usually thinking
about work anyway and gettinganxious and stressed.
Um, so yeah, I've I've tried,I've given a little experiment.
(17:17):
I don't think doing you knowpart-time is the go.
Um, but hey, I gave it a go.
That was fine.
Don't get me wrong, I've hadsome days off and been able to
do some fun things.
Um, but a lot of the days I'venoticed, this is something
that's very typical for peoplewith ADHD, um, which is you
know, once my routine's a bitout of whack, everything falls
(17:38):
over, you know what I mean?
So um, without going to work,um, I've sort of been thinking,
uh, what am I going to do today?
And as soon as I start thinkingthat, um, all of a sudden I
really struggle to do anythingin the day because there's not
that, you know, that routine,that structure that I can fall
back on.
Um, so without that structureand routine, my ADHD has a real,
(18:02):
you know, real struggle stayingon task, or I have a real
struggle staying on task.
Um, and I do waste a bit of, orit feels like I waste a bit of
these days, and then I get a bitupset and a bit depressed that
I'm wasting all this, you know,these this these days off.
I'm not taking advantage of it,and I get stressed, and then I
(18:22):
think I've got to try and dothis, this, and this, or else
I'll feel guilty that I shouldhave just gone to work.
And yeah, so you know, thethere's been a bit of a snowball
effect of of my routineschanging because I'm not at
work, then not being able tocome up with a replacement sort
of structure to lean back on,and then not achieving because
(18:42):
remember the workaholic part,even though I'm not at work,
still thinks I should be doingthings that are that's you know
classified as working, whateverthat may be.
Um, and then I'm not getting thethings done during the day that
maybe I wanted to, and then uhanyway, so I may as well just go
back to work.
But the main point is, at leastover the last two weeks,
(19:03):
mood-wise, is everything's beenabout the same.
Um, there's been a bit ofanxiety there.
There has, as um, but you know,I did do this um experiment as
far as my work goes and droppingback a few days.
I think I may as well try and doas many days as I can because I
need the money for therapy, Ineed the money for everything
else.
(19:23):
Um, and a lot of the days offthat I've had have been spent
dwelling and ruminating on thefact I'm not at work.
So I may as well go and at leastget that monkey off me back.
All right, that's all for today.
That is all.
My my dry mouth has has recededenough that I've been able to
get this episode done, which isgreat.
Thank you for listening asalways.
(19:45):
Um, so if you are interestedthough in the Better Left Said
podcast, if you're a malebetween 18 and 70 and you've got
access to a computer or or umyou know electronic device where
you can listen to this amazingpodcast, um, give it a little
search on the internet or reachout to me and I can send you the
(20:05):
details because we're stilllooking for participants.
Um so if you'd like to getinvolved, that would be awesome.
Um, other than that, if you'dlike to follow me on Instagram,
of course you can atelliott.t.waters, and you can
follow the show on Facebook aswell by searching the
dysregulated podcast.
You'd be amazed.
Um, I've done so many drafts ofthis episode.
(20:28):
Um I'm so glad.
Over two days I've been tryingto get this episode out.
Um, and the dry mouth has hit meboth days, especially today.
Um, but each time I do like 10to 15 minutes, I go delete,
delete, delete.
It's so frustrating.
Um, so this episode's beenreally hard to get out, so I'm
(20:48):
glad it's finally done.
It's again, it's it's the monkeyoff the back sort of thing.
So now I can, I don't know, wecan do the next episode, make
that a bit more fun.
Um, speaking of that, actually,very quickly before I go, um,
I've had a couple of people askme about the retroactive
jealousy episode.
That one is coming very soon, Ipromise.
(21:09):
The draft is done.
Um, but you know, theretroactive jealousy, that is a
concept that has been, you know,has had huge influence over my
life in a very, very negativeway.
So if I'm gonna do it, I need todo it properly.
And to do it properly, I need toreally dive deep into some of my
(21:30):
uh most challenging, let's say,and and difficult times, you
know, as a humanoid.
Um, so retroactive jealousyreally goes deep.
So if I'm gonna do it, I've gotto do it properly.
Um, the draft is done, which isfine.
Um, but what now I need to do isget myself in the right
headspace where I can reallydive deep and it's gonna be
(21:51):
deep.
I'm looking forward to it.
It's gonna be really good andenlightening, I think, for a lot
of people.
But like I said, I've got to doit properly.
So the draft is done.
That episode is coming soon,though.
I promise.
It'll potentially I'm looking atrecording it over the weekend.
Um, also the QA sessions, uh,I'm hopefully going to be doing
(22:12):
that episode tomorrow.
Um, because I want to do themevery Friday, tomorrow being
Friday.
So hopefully I'll get that oneout tomorrow.
It's a bit late.
I've been a bit off the pacewith that particular episode,
but the first one is coming.
Um, and of course, if you dohave a question you'd like me to
answer on the show, feel free toreach out and I'll uh I'll see
(22:33):
what I can come up with for you.
But anyway, that's all for now.
Thank you everybody forlistening as always, and I'll
see you next time here on theDisc Regulated Podcast.
G'day everybody, my name is Ellie Waters, and you're
listening to the DISS RegulatorPodcast.
As always, thank you for tuningin.
Alright, today's episode is justa quick look at how I have been
traveling as far as my mood'sconcerned over the last two
weeks.
Um, and I've got a little bit ofgood news to report on as well.
But before I do that, I want topreface this episode by saying,
(00:31):
as I'm talking to you righthere, right now, I am struggling
from a serious case of drymouth.
Oh, all day I've been battlingit.
All day it's been terrible.
So if I'm stumbling over words alittle bit, or um my sentences
aren't as clear as normal, or ormy speech isn't as fluid as
(00:51):
perhaps you would expect of me,um, that's because I am battling
this really severe dry mouthtoday.
Um, but you know, that's allpart of the the deal, you know.
The dry mouth is coming from umpotentially my medications, um,
because all of my meds on theirown come with uh the potential
(01:12):
for dry mouth as a side effect.
So you can imagine you put eightof them together like I do, you
know, there's a high probabilityof dry mouth.
Um and the other reason is thatuh dry mouth is often a
consequence of anxiety, whetherit be generalized anxiety,
social anxiety, um, you know,panic disorder, that sort of
stuff.
Um, unfortunately, fight orflight as well, dry mouth tends
(01:35):
to go hand in hand with theanxiety response as well.
So um, so you can imaginesomeone who has anxiety just
about 24-7 and who's on eightmedications, um, dry mouth is a
big part of my lived and livingexperience of mental ill health.
Um, so it's quite fitting thattime to time, from time to time,
(01:56):
uh, I will do these episodeswhere I do have dry mouth um
because you know that's part ofmy story, and it's part of a lot
of people's story as well.
Um, it just shows though howresilient I am that you know I'm
able to push through despite itall.
Um because yeah, dry mouth is abig part of my story.
(02:16):
It's a big part of a lot ofpeople's story.
So, you know, it's got to be abig part of this podcast because
this is, of course, the mostreal, raw, genuine, honest fed
income look at mental ill healththat there is.
So, as a consequence, dry mouthis a big part of the story.
So, anyway, if I'm not soundingvery clear, all right, um,
please keep your feedback mostlypositive because you know I am
(02:40):
suffering from dry mouth.
I'm doing the best that I can.
Anyway, let's move on quicklyfrom that.
Um, because I don't know howmany more words I've got left in
me before my mouth completelyseizes.
Um, so let me tell you about thelittle bit of good news, which
is I've been in the news lately.
Um, so I've been interviewed onthe radio, I've been interviewed
(03:00):
for the newspaper, uh, promotingthe Better Left Said Podcast,
which is the podcast researchstudy that I'm a part of through
the University of Newcastle,along with uh my supervisor from
my honours year, leadresearcher, associate professor,
Dr.
Miles Young, and also LizDascombe, who is the PhD
candidate.
(03:21):
So the Better Left Said podcastum is her project for her PhD.
Um and I'm a part of the team aswell, uh, with my lived
experience perspective.
So I've helped co-design thepodcast, and I'm also a co-host
as well.
Uh, and at the moment we arelooking for participants.
(03:42):
Um, so it's aimed at men.
So if you haven't listened tosome of the previous episodes
where I've talked briefly aboutthis podcast, um the Better Left
said podcast is aimed and is allabout men's mental health.
So it's got stories, it's gotpractical strategies, research
insights, and of course greatconversations facilitated by
(04:03):
yours truly.
Um, but it is a great podcastwith some great information.
I think it's it's reallyawesome.
Um, and it is it is targeted atmen um who suffer from low mood
uh andor anxiety because theresearch is quite clear in
Australia at least, although Ithink this is something that can
(04:26):
be um extrapolated to a lot ofdifferent population groups and
samples.
Um but in Australia the researchis very clear that men do
struggle to engage withtraditional, say, psychotherapy,
for example, in a clinic.
Um, you know, we we know thatthere's a big issue with men's
mental health out there becausewe know the you know the rates
(04:50):
of depression in men andanxiety, and we know the suicide
statistics, and you know, a lotof these stats do not paint a
very good picture.
But what's even worse really isthat the research um also tells
us that um men do not engagewith psychological services or
psychiatry on a level thatperhaps you know we would like
(05:13):
to see for a cohort that isstruggling, um generally
speaking.
Um, so what Miles does, Dr.
Miles Young does a lot, becausehe's a men's um mental health
researcher, and and I guess I amas well, because I'm part of his
team.
Um, but what he's really focusedon is looking for new and novel
(05:34):
ways to engage men with ummental health services and and
engage with men to improvemental health, you know,
understanding and literacy andand have people more confident
in talking about it with othersand you know trying to get rid
of the stigma at the same time.
Um so it's a great honor andprivilege to work on these
(05:55):
projects with um Miles.
We've also got uh the walk andtalk therapy project that's
that's um that's going on at themoment as well.
Um so it's another example of oftrying to come up with some
novel ways to get men involvedum with psychotherapy.
So what we're looking at inresearch um is if um walk and
(06:18):
talk therapy, so that's wherethe therapist walks with the
client, the male, uh, outdoors.
And he says sitting indoors in aclinic, um, therapy is conducted
outdoors while they're walking.
Um, so we're looking to see ifthat way of packaging therapy is
more digestible for our malesamples.
Um, the results aren't in justyet, but we're pretty confident
(06:41):
there's going to be a verysignificant result that comes
out of this, and the conclusionsthen will be significant that
we're able to draw from that,which is great.
Um, you know, this is realresearch that's got real life
implications.
And that's I guess where I bringa lot of you know, my experience
to these projects is that um,you know, often I found in my
(07:04):
degree, not the degree, thedegree is fine, but a lot of the
research that I've evaluated inmy degree, for example, you read
it and you look at it, and it'slike, okay, this is research
that's been written for otherresearchers, instead of say,
research that's been conductedfor the mental health consumer
of services, which is the personwith depression or anxiety or
(07:26):
whatever.
Um, so I'm lucky in the sensethat I have a foot in each camp.
So on one hand, I'm a mentalhealth researcher and advocate,
but then on the other hand, I ama consumer of mental health
services.
So my role in these projects isto ensure that when we design um
these projects, that they'reactually applicable to the
target, you know, audience,market segment of the population
(07:49):
that we're trying to appeal to,which in this case is men with
low mood andor anxiety.
Um, because a lot of research uhdoesn't have much real-world
implications, you know.
Um, and and what I love aboutthe research I do with Miles is
again, like I said, it's it'sreally focused on all right,
we've got a problem in thecommunity, obviously, because
(08:11):
mental health statistics are notparticularly good, and we know
that there's barriers for men toget the help that they need.
So let's come up with ways totry and get around this problem.
And my role is to offer myinsights from my own lived and
living experience, but also um,I guess, as an you know, I I
(08:32):
present an aggregate of all thestories that I hear from people
and bring that knowledge with meto the table as well.
So it's a great honor, as Isaid, and privilege to be a part
of the team.
Um, and they're just great.
Like Liz is great, Miles isgreat, the rest of the
researchers are amazing as well.
Um, and it's just it's I'm justyeah, it's such a privilege to
be a part of the team.
(08:53):
Um, but it's been the the radiostuff and the newspaper and
everything, the media blitz hasbeen pretty cool.
Um, but it's been pretty cool umon a deeper level than just I
don't know, getting my name outthere.
It's not really about getting myname out there, but what it is
about is you know, being in thenewspaper and having my photo
(09:13):
there and everything next tothese great researchers and you
know, my quotes and being onradio and you know, it's not
about blowing, you know, wind upone's backside or anything, or
or thinking I'm the world'sgreatest gift to radio or or
news news or media.
Like it's nothing to do withthat.
Why why why it's great um isbecause you know, I've really
(09:35):
felt like I've belonged as partof this team.
You know, when I'll be gettinginterviewed and stuff by the
media outlets, you know, I'vehad good answers, I've had good
things to say, um, and I havefelt like I belong, you know,
and that's that's a great, greatfeeling, especially for someone
like me who, you know, you know,imposter syndrome is a huge part
(09:59):
of my story.
The inner critic is a huge partof my story.
If you've listened to anyepisode on this podcast, you
would know that those twoconstructs and concepts are a
huge part of my lived and livingexperience, and they drive a lot
of these feelings of inadequacyand and all that sort of stuff,
inferiority.
And but the last two weeks doingthese media engagements, it's
(10:24):
like, yeah, I belong here, youknow.
This is right, you know, Ibelong, I I should be sitting
around the big research table,you know, because my
experiences, my livedexperience, but also my research
now and my, you know, generalcommitment to improving mental
health outcomes in thecommunity, um, I've felt like
(10:45):
that, you know, I should bethere and I deserve to be there,
and I have good things to offer.
And that is not something thatcomes naturally to me, that way
of thinking.
And to be honest, it's been abit of a shock, but it's been a
great surprise because it's umyou know, it's really validated
me in a big way, and it's beenreally good, really good.
Um, so good work, Elliot.
(11:07):
Um, because we know that youknow I'm still not quite in the
career that I want to be in, butI can feel now I'm getting
close, you know, to beingconfident enough to pivot to
mental health full on, you know.
The last two weeks inparticular, being at the
university as well, helping withthe research as well as the
media stuff, like all of it puttogether, you know, I felt like,
(11:28):
you know, that I belong and thisis what I should be doing.
And that's a great feeling forsomeone who doesn't feel like
that very often.
So I don't know, maybe this isuh the sort of turning point,
uh, as I said, like a pivottowards um, you know, this sort
of um work full-time, becausethat would be great.
Because um, yeah, I I I thinkthis is what I should be doing,
(11:50):
you know, this is what I wasdestined to do.
I've just I just need theconfidence to do it.
But slowly but surely I thinkwe're getting there.
I think, and of course, I willlet you all know about it, how
that goes, every up and down,and everything else you're gonna
hear all about here on the show.
So trust me, if I ever do hitthe point where I'm like, yep,
(12:10):
big tick, I've hit the point ofno return, I am super confident
in my abilities.
Trust me, you guys will be thefirst to know because I will not
be able to hide it from anybody.
Um, because that way of positivethinking is so crucial, and I
think I can get there,hopefully.
Um, all right, speaking of ummood and all that sort of stuff,
(12:31):
just before my voice umcompletely goes and and I can't
move my mouth because it's soconcrete shut, feels like it's
full of cement and it's about toset, so I need to be quick.
Um the my mood over the last twoweeks uh has been alright.
It's been okay.
Um remember recently I've goneon recently-ish, I've gone on
(12:56):
metazapine.
Um the last couple of weeks I'vegone on the 30 milligrams dose.
Um, I'm not completely sure it'sdoing anything major, but at the
same time, I wouldn't say it'sdoing anything, making things
worse, so that's good.
Um I've been very anxious still,of course.
As I said, you know, as I sayall the time, it's a 24-7 sort
(13:17):
of um, you know, beast that I'mup against, this whole anxiety
thing.
But you know, I've pushed on.
Um, I have decided, I can'tremember if I said this on the
on the episode previous.
I might have, I might not have,but I am going back to at least
four days a week at work becausewhat I discovered was being away
from work more.
Because remember, the idea was Iwould stay, I was doing less
(13:40):
days to help with my anxiety andmy social capacity issues and
all that sort of stuff.
But I don't think that doingless days, I think it's helped a
bit with the social capacitystuff because when I am at work,
I seem to be a little bithappier to help people, and I
don't quite feel as um I guessburnt out socially as maybe
(14:02):
ordinarily I would, but sothat's a good thing, but
unfortunately, um the days I'vehad off, I've just been anxious,
thinking I haven't got enoughmoney, and uh I don't know.
If I this always happens if Ihave a bit of time away from
work, like if it's annual leaveor something, I think we all get
this to a certain degree, but Ialways have a real big problem
(14:22):
um going back and not havingmassive panic attacks before my
first shift back.
And what I've found is that it'slike I've had many annual leave
breaks, and every week when I goback on the Wednesday or
Thursday um towards the end ofthe week, I have this real you
know panic set in.
And the problem is it's alsobeen happening um the days that
(14:45):
I've been off.
I've been thinking and dwellingon the fact I'm not at work and
all this sort of stuff.
So I reckon, to be honest, onthe balance of things, um,
although having a bit of timeoff has definitely helped my
social capacity because I'm notas grumpy and and gruff at work,
um, or at least I try not to be.
(15:06):
Um, unfortunately the anxiety isstill there though.
And you know, and there's othercosts involved, like for
example, my income.
I'm not earning as much.
So on the balance of things, um,I think going back to at least
four days a week, which is nowwhat I'm doing, um, with the
option to go back to five, um, Ithink doing at least four days
(15:26):
is a good idea.
It's a good idea financiallybecause I've still got to pay
for therapy, of course.
Therapy's not cheap, my medsaren't cheap.
Um, you know, so I've got tokeep the money rolling in uh
because to um to give myselfevery chance of you know getting
to the point where I amconfident in my own abilities
and able to um, you know, chasethis career in mental health and
(15:50):
stuff, you know, I I still see abig part of me getting to that
point is me having to keep goingto therapy.
See, I'm lucky in the fact thatI actually like going to
therapy.
So although I was saying before,um a lot of men do struggle to
go to the traditional type ofsit-down talk therapy, um,
that's never been a problem forme.
I quite like going.
(16:10):
Uh, the issue is I just don'tlike how much it costs me,
that's all.
So, yeah, but anyway, as weknow, um therapy is a big part
of my prognosis moving forward,especially with the with the
metazapine not really doing ahuge amount, I don't think.
Like, you know, I've exhaustedjust about all avenues when it
comes to medications.
Like, there's not many left Ihaven't tried.
(16:33):
I've I've trialed over 30 medsor something, I'm on eight now.
You know, there comes a pointwhere you think, all right, the
meds have done as much as theycan, psychotherapy's got to be
the way forward.
And we we know this.
I've got personality disorders,and you know, a lot of my um,
you know, the labels I've gotand stuff would suggest
borderline personality sort ofbeing one of the main ones,
(16:54):
would suggest so therapy is theway for me to get to that point
that I'm I'm aiming for.
So that's fine, but uh, but ofcourse, these things, like I
said, cost money, so I need tobe at work, and I may as well be
at work because when I'm notthere, I'm usually thinking
about work anyway and gettinganxious and stressed.
Um, so yeah, I've I've tried,I've given a little experiment.
(17:17):
I don't think doing you knowpart-time is the go.
Um, but hey, I gave it a go.
That was fine.
Don't get me wrong, I've hadsome days off and been able to
do some fun things.
Um, but a lot of the days I'venoticed, this is something
that's very typical for peoplewith ADHD, um, which is you
know, once my routine's a bitout of whack, everything falls
(17:38):
over, you know what I mean?
So um, without going to work,um, I've sort of been thinking,
uh, what am I going to do today?
And as soon as I start thinkingthat, um, all of a sudden I
really struggle to do anythingin the day because there's not
that, you know, that routine,that structure that I can fall
back on.
Um, so without that structureand routine, my ADHD has a real,
(18:02):
you know, real struggle stayingon task, or I have a real
struggle staying on task.
Um, and I do waste a bit of, orit feels like I waste a bit of
these days, and then I get a bitupset and a bit depressed that
I'm wasting all this, you know,these this these days off.
I'm not taking advantage of it,and I get stressed, and then I
(18:22):
think I've got to try and dothis, this, and this, or else
I'll feel guilty that I shouldhave just gone to work.
And yeah, so you know, thethere's been a bit of a snowball
effect of of my routineschanging because I'm not at
work, then not being able tocome up with a replacement sort
of structure to lean back on,and then not achieving because
(18:42):
remember the workaholic part,even though I'm not at work,
still thinks I should be doingthings that are that's you know
classified as working, whateverthat may be.
Um, and then I'm not getting thethings done during the day that
maybe I wanted to, and then uhanyway, so I may as well just go
back to work.
But the main point is, at leastover the last two weeks,
(19:03):
mood-wise, is everything's beenabout the same.
Um, there's been a bit ofanxiety there.
There has, as um, but you know,I did do this um experiment as
far as my work goes and droppingback a few days.
I think I may as well try and doas many days as I can because I
need the money for therapy, Ineed the money for everything
else.
(19:23):
Um, and a lot of the days offthat I've had have been spent
dwelling and ruminating on thefact I'm not at work.
So I may as well go and at leastget that monkey off me back.
All right, that's all for today.
That is all.
My my dry mouth has has recededenough that I've been able to
get this episode done, which isgreat.
Thank you for listening asalways.
(19:45):
Um, so if you are interestedthough in the Better Left Said
podcast, if you're a malebetween 18 and 70 and you've got
access to a computer or or umyou know electronic device where
you can listen to this amazingpodcast, um, give it a little
search on the internet or reachout to me and I can send you the
(20:05):
details because we're stilllooking for participants.
Um so if you'd like to getinvolved, that would be awesome.
Um, other than that, if you'dlike to follow me on Instagram,
of course you can atelliott.t.waters, and you can
follow the show on Facebook aswell by searching the
dysregulated podcast.
You'd be amazed.
Um, I've done so many drafts ofthis episode.
(20:28):
Um I'm so glad.
Over two days I've been tryingto get this episode out.
Um, and the dry mouth has hit meboth days, especially today.
Um, but each time I do like 10to 15 minutes, I go delete,
delete, delete.
It's so frustrating.
Um, so this episode's beenreally hard to get out, so I'm
(20:48):
glad it's finally done.
It's again, it's it's the monkeyoff the back sort of thing.
So now I can, I don't know, wecan do the next episode, make
that a bit more fun.
Um, speaking of that, actually,very quickly before I go, um,
I've had a couple of people askme about the retroactive
jealousy episode.
That one is coming very soon, Ipromise.
(21:09):
The draft is done.
Um, but you know, theretroactive jealousy, that is a
concept that has been, you know,has had huge influence over my
life in a very, very negativeway.
So if I'm gonna do it, I need todo it properly.
And to do it properly, I need toreally dive deep into some of my
(21:30):
uh most challenging, let's say,and and difficult times, you
know, as a humanoid.
Um, so retroactive jealousyreally goes deep.
So if I'm gonna do it, I've gotto do it properly.
Um, the draft is done, which isfine.
Um, but what now I need to do isget myself in the right
headspace where I can reallydive deep and it's gonna be
(21:51):
deep.
I'm looking forward to it.
It's gonna be really good andenlightening, I think, for a lot
of people.
But like I said, I've got to doit properly.
So the draft is done.
That episode is coming soon,though.
I promise.
It'll potentially I'm looking atrecording it over the weekend.
Um, also the QA sessions, uh,I'm hopefully going to be doing
(22:12):
that episode tomorrow.
Um, because I want to do themevery Friday, tomorrow being
Friday.
So hopefully I'll get that oneout tomorrow.
It's a bit late.
I've been a bit off the pacewith that particular episode,
but the first one is coming.
Um, and of course, if you dohave a question you'd like me to
answer on the show, feel free toreach out and I'll uh I'll see
(22:33):
what I can come up with for you.
But anyway, that's all for now.
Thank you everybody forlistening as always, and I'll
see you next time here on theDisc Regulated Podcast.
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