July 14, 2025 • 28 mins
In this episode, I share how the NSW mental health system has picked up my referrals and is starting to piece together a plan to help me move forward. It’s a big relief — and a hint of hope on the horizon — but of course it’s also tangled up with my daily battle against anxiety.
So much of this process relies on me: on finding the social capacity to answer or make phone calls, to push through the fear that is always there, and to keep these critical conversations and opportunities alive. I’ve missed a few calls along the way (hey, its been hard, ok?), but I’ve also managed to pick up the phone when it really counts and talk openly about my struggles. That alone feels like a small victory — a moment of courage that helps keep the wheels turning and reminds me that, even with all this anxiety, I’m still moving forward. The war within rages on, but now I might be bolstered by a very powerful ally. Maybe....hopefully.....
--
Follow my journey through the chaos of mental illness and the hard-fought lessons learned along the way.
Lived experience is at the heart of this podcast — every episode told through my own lens, with raw honesty and zero filter.
This is a genuine and vulnerable account of how multiple psychological disorders have shaped my past and continue to influence my future.
You can follow me on Instagram: @elliot.t.waters, and the show on Facebook!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Hello everybody, my name is Ellie Waters and you're
listening to the DysregulatedPodcast.
As always, thank you for tuningin, alright.
So today's episode, I said it'dbe a little bit more positive
and it will be, because therehave been good moves as far as
me and the mental health systemare concerned.
The system is starting to takenotice, which is amazing, and
(00:32):
I'll get into that in a minute.
But at the same time, I'm notgoing to shy away from the truth
, and the fact of the matter isthat life has been particularly
difficult for me the last fewdays, the last few weeks, last
few months and, let's be honest,the last few years, but really
the last few weeks it's beengetting quite acute at times and
(00:53):
it's been getting quiteworrying for me, that's for sure
, because I feel like I'm goinginto territory that maybe I
don't have as much control overas previously I have.
There's been some pretty, youknow, you've heard it.
There have been big episodes,you know negative spirals You've
heard them on the show before,but especially lately, the last
(01:16):
couple of episodes as well,because I'm giving you all the
insight that I can into how I'mfeeling.
And the truth is I've beenfeeling pretty rubbish.
You know, my anxiety has beenhell, but the low mood has been
brittle as well.
That's the bit that's startingto scare me the anxiety.
Don't get me wrong.
(01:36):
The anxiety is ruining my life.
Don't get me wrong, I'm notdiminishing the effects that
anxiety has on me at all.
Anxiety has ruined so manygreat things and, as I'll say in
a minute, it's made even thisgood news difficult to obtain.
But it's the low mood stuffthat's really biting, because
(01:57):
usually it's the anxiety thatcomes first, then the low mood
because I'm not able to functionin the way that I need to which
causes me to feel depressed,and this happens to a lot of
people.
This isn't just an Elliot thing, but it certainly is an Elliot
thing.
But this low mood is sort ofnow taken on a life of its own
and it's operating independentof the anxiety.
(02:20):
The anxiety is still feeding it, don't get me wrong, but it's.
You know, my depression isstanding on its own two legs and
it's like all right, I'm goingto create my own hell here for
Elliot and come along for theride if you want to.
We can do this together.
But I've got some things I wantto do on my own and that's sort
of what's been happening.
I don't know how to explain thisin a way that people understand
(02:42):
, but it feels like mydepression is diverging a little
bit from my anxiety and, as aresult, it's getting stronger
and stronger.
These thoughts about not havingall that much to live for,
these thoughts have gotten sostrong and they just feel like I
(03:03):
don't know.
It just feels.
It's hard to explain, but itjust feels like this isn't a
secondary response to someanxiety.
This is something.
This is a beast on its own andthis is a beast that's causing
me a lot of troubles and I needto get a handle on it.
And the thing that's scary isthat, as I've said in the
previous episodes, or I'vealluded to, I think and if I
(03:24):
haven't I'll explain it nowbecause it's certainly true
which is that I think I need alittle bit of help to push back
against this level of low mood,this level of anxiety.
Doing it on my own just isn'tworking hasn't worked, and I do
fear that, without adequate help, that these things could get
worse and I don't know wherethat leads.
(03:44):
That's scary.
Anyway, as I said, this episodeis meant to be more positive
than it is, and it will bebecause there is some positive
news to report.
So we may remember that.
You know, I was with apsychologist and we rang the
mental health line and I spoketo him again.
I've explained all that on theprevious episode.
If you haven't listened to it,I suggest that you do, because
(04:06):
for many reasons, but one greatreason is that you will not get
better insight I don't reckoninto the world of mental illness
than some of the stuff thatI've spoken about on that
episode previously.
But anyway, we know that thispodcast goes further than any
other, or at least I think itdoes.
I don't need to harp on thatagain, although it's true.
(04:27):
So please, you know, believe it.
Anyway, what was I saying?
Yes, so I got talking to themental health line with my
psychologist and there was areferral made to the Newcastle
Community Mental Health Team.
This is a team that I've beenreferred to before after little
visits to the Mater Hospital,the emergency department.
(04:48):
I've been referred to thembefore, but often I've found in
my experience that they haven'treached out to me and in a way I
fell through the cracks a fewtimes because they didn't reach
out, for whatever reason, Idon't know.
Maybe the referrals that didn'tgo through.
I'd say they are unbelievablyunderstaffed, as the whole New
(05:12):
South Wales health system is, asthe whole of society seems to
be, and it wouldn't shock me ifthe capacity was just not there
to be able to contact me.
And maybe they triaged Becauseoften I leave the martyr after
telling the doctors you know thethings are actually okay,
because I'm, you know, not verygood at advocating for myself
(05:32):
and I tend to play down how badthings really are.
So maybe, I don't know, maybethey've seen the notes and it
doesn't seem as all that badbecause I've downplayed
everything and they think he'sokay.
Now we'll focus on someone else.
I don't know, but if that isthe case, I'll tell you what
something changed this time,because they rang the next day,
which was great and that initself was validating, because
(05:54):
it was like all right, there'ssomething going on here Enough
that the community team has saidright, elliot needs a hand,
let's contact him and try andgive him a hand.
Now, at this point, this is thenext day.
Okay, this is the day after theprevious episode here on the
(06:15):
show, and there's the ADHD brainagain.
This is unbelievable how itkeeps happening every episode.
All right, I've got to have mysystem.
What was I saying?
But yeah, the fact that theyrang was validating, which was
great, even though at this pointI wasn't able to answer the
phone call because of my anxiety.
And that's the thing, my phobiaof phone calls makes this
(06:36):
process so much more difficult.
Because it's a functionalitythat you sort of need in general
in life as a human being theability to socialize with each
other.
And in the modern world, makingphone calls is a very crucial
part of what it is to be humanand to communicate and to get
the things that you want andneed, because you've got to
(06:57):
communicate these things or elseno one knows what's going on.
That's been the problem in thepast with me and the mental
health system.
Often is that not only do I notadvocate very well for myself
because I tend to playeverything down, I also don't
answer phone calls or make phonecalls that I need to make or
answer, which then stops me fromgetting the help that I need.
(07:19):
This has happened so many timesover the years.
It's not funny and it's adirect result of my mental
illnesses, in particular mygeneralized anxiety disorder and
social anxiety disorder, whicha lot of it stems from being
autistic.
So, you know, this is why it'sso difficult, and has been
difficult for me to get help,because my mental illnesses and
(07:41):
a lot of people will be like,yeah, yep, this happens to me
too.
My mental illnesses activelywork against me when I'm trying
to make these good, positivesteps.
Okay, these mental illnesses doit across the board.
You know, if I want to go for arun, we know I get so anxious
before I go for that run and Icompare myself to how great I
used to be, you know.
(08:02):
And then I don't go because Ifeel so discouraged because I'm
nowhere near like I used to be,you know.
And then I don't go because Ifeel so you know discouraged
because I'm nowhere near like Iused to be, you know, that's
just one example, but there's somany examples.
Again, a lot of you guys willbe thinking, yeah, I can think
of a few where these mentalillnesses actively work against
our best interests.
That's what they do.
That's why they're so bad andthey need to be.
(08:23):
You know, we need to get a holdof them and wrestle them into
control.
So the day after, you know, thelast few days, my anxiety has
been pretty bad.
I'm not going to lie.
It's been pretty bad and my lowmood has bounced back a little
bit, which is great.
That's good news, because wewere pretty low there.
Let me tell you I don't have togo through that.
(08:45):
You've heard the episodes, I'msure, previous the last two.
I think they explain prettywell.
I'd like to think how depressedI've been feeling and how much
this idea of lack of hope hasbeen plaguing me and my thoughts
the last couple of weeks.
But the good news is my moodhas rebounded a little bit and
that's because the communitymental health team have reached
(09:09):
out and has validated in just byreaching out, has validated
what I'm going through and hasoffered that little bit of hope.
But I needed, you know.
So they rang and I missed thecall and I was a little bit sort
of happy because, like, well,at least they've rung.
But you know don't get me wrongI thought very quickly, quickly
, that's not enough.
You know, I need to actuallyget on the phone and talk to
(09:30):
them and talk about a planmoving forward and see what they
can offer me.
You know, it's a good thingthat there's that little bit of
validation, but, come on, thatain't going to be enough to push
all these mental illnesses backinto their corners and be able
to lead a life that's worthliving.
You know, I've got to do morethan that.
I need to answer this phonecall, I need to ring them back.
So how on earth do I overcomethe anxiety to ring them back?
(09:53):
Well, there were two main waysthat I did it.
And it took until the followingday.
So this was yesterday, sorry,not sorry, sorry, got that wrong
, not yesterday, today beingTuesday, it was Friday, so
Thursday.
So Wednesday was the psychologyappointment where my
psychologist and I rang themental health line New South
(10:15):
geez, new South Wales, excuse me, mental health line.
That was Wednesday.
Thursday is when they weretrying to contact me and I
couldn't answer, even though Iwas happy that they were making
the effort.
But Friday was then the daythat I was able to make the
phone call, ring them back andhave a really good conversation,
(10:35):
which has spurred on a lot ofthis rebound in mood.
But I had to make that phonecall.
I knew how important it was,you know.
So this is what I had to do tomake that phone call.
I knew how important it was,you know, so this is what I had
to do to make it happen.
The first thing was I did a lotof I did a lot of, I guess,
cognitive restructuring.
So I did a lot of um,imagination work of how I was
(10:57):
hoping the phone call might go.
Um, trying to imagine the phonecall going, going well and
being positive and and being allthe things that I'm hoping it
will be, and imagining thatthere is no pushback or
negativity or anger ordisappointment, all those
negative emotions from the otherperson that then I take on and
(11:18):
carry with me for the rest ofthe day and it ruins my day,
ruins my week, whatever.
I was trying to really imaginethe fact that that doesn't
really happen and in thiscontext, it'd be very unusual
for it to happen as well.
What I was concerned about andI think this was a legitimate
concern was that and I haven'thad this answer just yet but
(11:40):
that they might not be able toprovide what I'm really hoping
that they could, which, ofcourse, is some sort of
framework around maybe gettingoff these medications, maybe
going to a psychiatric ward inthe system like IJMU, or maybe
somewhere else like Bloomfieldin Orange, an extended stay ward
, morissette, even, whatever.
So you know, I knew and I knowthat there was a lot of pressure
(12:02):
on this phone call.
There was a lot riding on itand you know, even if I was the
most mentally well person, youknow there should have been a
bit of anxiety around this phonecall because of the
significance and thepotentiality that is embedded in
this call.
You know there's no two waysabout it.
This phone call could changeeverything and I tried not to
(12:24):
think about that too muchbecause that's too significant.
You know, phone call that couldchange everything and then I
automatically think it couldchange everything for the worse.
You know I need to get awayfrom that all or nothing
thinking Even.
You know, I knew I wouldn't beable to think this could be life
changing for the better andreally embody, you know, and
(12:44):
like, believe it and personifyit.
That was never going to happen.
That's just not me.
So the best I could do whichwould be good enough, I was
hoping was to try and take a bitof that, that thinking around
the significance of the phonecall away and just try and treat
it as any other phone call andgo into it with open curiosity.
And go into it with opencuriosity and a bit of hope, but
(13:13):
not trying to, I suppose,imagine and be a fortune teller
and imagine what's going tohappen, because if I do that, I
automatically was thinking thiswill be a massive, significant
phone call.
It's going to end badly, I'mgoing to be so depressed and
that's the end of everything.
I knew that's what my automaticsort of default thinking was
going to be around this phonecall, if I allowed myself to get
lost in the significance, thepotential significance.
(13:35):
There was no way, because Iknow me that I would think of
the significance in a positivelight and believe that that's
what was going to happen.
So the best I could do, what Idecided to do, was to take the
significance away from them andjust try, try and treat it as
any other phone call, and thattook a lot of thinking.
(13:57):
Unfortunately, though, thatwasn't the only sort of step
that I needed to make.
So I'll admit, I did lean on mymedications quite a bit to be
able to make this phone call, soin particular the Vyvanse,
dexamphetamine medication,because this is the thing when I
have Vyvanse, there's alwaysthis little window.
(14:19):
This is what makes it a bitdangerous potentially, but there
is always this little windowI'm afforded where I have
confidence and I don't have anyanxiety sort of floating around.
I don't know, maybe that's whatit's like for people Normally.
I wouldn't have a clue.
But it is good.
It's a nice little relief,although I know it never lasts.
But it does feel good to havethat anxiety taken away, even if
(14:42):
it's only for like 30 minutes,45 an hour rarely is it any more
than that and then often theanxiety will come back double
anyway.
So that little fleeting momentis just that, just a little
fleeting moment.
But I wanted to take advantageand I thought, right, this was
my plan.
I was like, if I can do all themental, psychological stuff,
get myself in a position whereI'm pretty good, then use the
(15:04):
Vyvanse to get this window ofopportunity.
It would be during that windowof opportunity, when the anxiety
levels were lower, that I'd beable to make this phone call.
So a lot went into it and I wasable to do it.
So it's not the best, probablyhealthiest way, most adaptive
way to do these things.
But look at this point I justgot to make this phone call.
(15:25):
It doesn't matter how I do it.
The phone call needs to be madebecause the potential is there
that this could be life-changing.
This is the system reaching outto offer me assistance and so I
did make the phone call.
I made the phone call and as itwas ringing, I was petrified.
The anxiety came back realquick but I was already into it.
I wasn't going to hang up.
And then, once the phone myring, my call was answered.
(15:49):
Yes, did I disassociate quite abit?
I sure did.
So.
I don't remember everythingabout the conversation because
my safety mechanisms were tryingto flee from the scene because
there was too much anxiety andstress involved.
But once I was in it, I wasable to stay in it in the moment
and I was able to have aconversation with a very helpful
(16:11):
mental health professional onthe other end of the phone who
was very helpful and veryengaged and interested in my
story and validated me in a bigbig way, which was amazing.
Interested in my story andvalidated me in a big big way,
which was amazing.
So the phone call like I said,I don't remember all of it, but
I did tell her my usual spills.
(16:31):
She had copies of my referralsfrom my psychologist and from
the martyr previously and my GP,so she had a bit of an idea of
what was going on anyway, whichwas very, very helpful, because
I wasn't really you know I'mgetting a bit sick of repeating
my story constantly to differentmental health professionals.
So I didn't have to do all thatthis time, which was great, and
that really, really helped,because then I was able to just
(16:53):
devote energy towards how Ibelieve my prognosis can improve
, the things that I think needto happen, and then be able to
get her opinion on that.
This was only, you know, anintroductory sort of call, you
know what I mean, but it didtick a lot of the right boxes.
So she knew my story.
So I felt heard, my story wasunderstood, I felt she validated
(17:17):
it and said some really nicewords.
You know that I've sort of heldon to to try and remember that
I am one tough cookie, don't youworry about that and every day
is a battle, but every day Iface up to it and there's no
knocking me down.
You know what I mean.
I'll just keep on trucking.
But that was important becauseI've been battling such a low
(17:40):
mood lately that the low mood Iassumed would come back after
this phone call, because thatseems to be my default setting
at the moment.
So for her to say some reallykind things and some things that
I knew I could hold on to.
That was really good as far aspushing back against a bit of a
low mood later on in the day asit tried to develop.
But the big important thing wasthat she said many times she
(18:06):
said thing was that she saidmany times, she said, elliot,
the system, we are going to help, you are now with us, we are
going to do something for you,and she kept saying it over and
over again, which was greatbecause I needed that constant
reassurance, because I feel likethe system has let me down so
many times previously, and so itwas great to get you know she
was very firm on this, very firm, and it didn't feel like she
(18:26):
was just mucking around andsaying it was great to get you
know she was very firm on this,very firm, and it didn't feel
like she was just mucking aroundand saying it.
You know, because that's whather piece of paper says that she
should say.
The whole conversation felt verygenuine, which was really good
again, as far as my anxiety goesand keeping it at bay, and when
she said repeatedly that thatthe system would be helping and
(18:49):
that not to, you know, to notworry because the system's now
engaged.
You know, it just felt reallyreal and it was really genuine.
It felt and it was really greatto hear because I needed to
hear it.
Forget about plans movingforward.
That in itself was enough tohear.
I did mention how I feel likeextended stay wards like
Bloomfield at Orange, orintermediate wards again, like
(19:11):
IJMU or even Morissette Hospital.
I said I am open to anything.
Although I was disassociatingthrough the phone call, I
remember saying very firmly andI was very with it and grounded
when I said this and I said I'mthe most willing patient you'll
find I will do anything to geton top of this mental health you
(19:34):
know sort of landscape of mineto iron out these complexities
and build that life that Ibelieve is worth living and
maybe achieve some of the thingsthat supposedly my potential
alludes me to.
I don't know, we'll see whathappens, but I'm I'll do
anything.
I'll do it right now.
Let's go.
Unfortunately she wasn't able toput things in motion right
(19:55):
there and then, but she saidagain repeatedly and very
genuinely, I believe she saidbecause this was Friday
afternoon, she said I am goingto go Once we're off the phone,
I'm going to go get apsychiatrist right now and I'm
going to talk to them about yourstory right now and then Monday
(20:15):
, over the weekend, we're goingto sort this out, and Monday
we're going to give you a calland we're going to come up with
a plan.
And she said you know, I'veheard your story.
I feel the pain that you have,but I also understand.
You know how willing you arefor change and what you'll do
and the things that you'll doand the good things that you may
(20:36):
bring to the world if you havethe ability to do so.
And I was like, yes, yes, thankyou.
You know, that's what I need tohear.
So that was great.
So she was very firm on the factthat the system was now going
to help.
And she was also very firm onthe fact that she would talk to
a doctor before the day wasthrough, unless they'd already
(20:56):
left early for a long weekend,which, she said, sometimes they
like to do.
And I said you know, Iunderstand we all like a long
weekend, but I just thanked her.
I kept thanking her so much fortaking me seriously and
genuinely, you know, going intobat for me and trying to come up
with a plan to make my life alittle bit you know, a little
bit nicer and worth living, andso I don't have to keep
(21:18):
questioning if it's worth thesuffering and all that sort of
stuff.
You know what I mean.
So this episode is a lot morepositive.
I can't be too over the topbecause, you know, once I got
off the phone half an hour laterI was negative again.
The anxiety never really wentaway, all that sort of stuff.
But at the same time real moveswere made.
The problem was get to Monday.
(21:39):
Yesterday I was super anxiousagain and I wasn't able to lift
myself out of it because theywere ringing.
They did try and ring yesterday, but I just could not have that
conversation.
I just couldn't do it.
I did not have the capacity,even though I knew the potential
or the potentiality of thephone call.
(22:00):
As far as my life moving forward, and although that is exciting
which is great I do feel exciteda little bit now about what
might be coming, even if it'sgoing to get worse before it
gets better.
But at least there could besomething coming.
There could be a way out ofthis mess.
But unfortunately my anxietyand my low mood as well was just
too strong.
Yes, I just couldn't do it.
(22:21):
So, today being Tuesday, I'vetried to call them and I got
through.
But the person they were goingto transfer me through who isn't
, I don't think, the same person?
That it was Friday, but look, Idon't care, whatever, as long
as it gets through to somebodywho's got the ability to pull
some strings here.
Unfortunately, they're on thephone and I couldn't get put
(22:43):
through to them, which is fairenough, that's fine.
I'm not the only person seekinghelp, and I understand that.
But I am hoping that they'regoing to ring back and then I
can present some more news toyou guys about how great things
are looking.
All of a sudden, there's a planin place, there's a framework
for recovery.
Here we go.
This is the moment that couldchange everything.
(23:06):
I don't know, I haven't hadthat phone call just yet, but I
have had the initial phone call.
That is setting up thepotential for that phone call
next, and that's exciting, andit's really good that the system
it's better than good that thesystem seems to now, you know,
be taking me under its wingpotentially.
(23:27):
There's a lot of potential here, whether it's me or whether
it's things in life, you know,and it's frustrating going on
about this potential constantly,because I want to tell you guys
about things that are actuallyhappening.
You know, things that are solid, you know that are real and
tangible, that are actuallyhappening, not just ideas or
dreams or hopes.
But I've got a bit of hope againand you know this sorry last
(23:51):
week.
You know the episodes previous,I think, convey this idea
pretty well, unfortunately thatI was losing hope.
Hope was just about gone andonce you lose hope, it's very
hard to come back from that andI was teetering on the edge of
that.
I'm not going to lie,unfortunately.
But this phone call, thiscontact with the Newcastle
(24:12):
Community Mental Health team,the fact that they seem willing
and able to come to me with aplan moving forward I just need
to answer their phone calls yeah, I'd be better at that but at
the same time, this is apotential way forward and this
is what I've needed and there issome hope, there is a bit of
hope, but I really hope the nextepisode I do on here is some
(24:37):
really good news about a planthat's going to happen, that's
going to get me back on top, buthopefully that's coming.
You know I keep looking at myphone as I do this episode.
Once again, this episode's goingway longer than I planned.
That's been a bit of a theme ofthese episodes lately.
They've been going a bit longerthan maybe usually my episodes
here on the show would go.
By all means, if you're stilllistening at this point of the
(24:59):
episode, tell me if you enjoythis length of episode around
the half an hour mark or it'sshorter ones better.
I don't actually know.
I should ask people what youguys prefer, because then I can,
you know, mold the show aroundthat a little bit and, you know,
come up with content that'sengaging and gets the point
across, maybe without waffling.
But I don't know, maybe theselonger episodes is what's
(25:22):
required, because there is a lotof complexity that I need to
get through and there is a bitgoing on, and the good news is
there's a bit going on now inthe good sense.
I didn't have much hope for thefuture whatsoever when I left
that psychology appointment,although I was so grateful that
my psychologist was going in abat for me.
At the same time, I had verylittle faith that the system was
(25:45):
going to finally do somethingfor me.
But what's important, thetakeaway message is the system
has come to the party and isoffering a degree of hope.
I just need to be able to getonto them and have another good
phone call with them to organizesome of the details.
But, as you know, that is hardbecause I have a lot of anxiety
around phone calls.
(26:05):
And that's the thing withmental illness.
Often they do as much as theycan to stop you, the individual
or me, whatever, doing thethings that need to be done to
try and nullify these illnesses.
They don't want to bediminished whatsoever.
So they tend to kick up a stink, and that's what's happening
with me.
My anxiety is a little bitscared itself, I think, of what
(26:28):
might be coming.
So I was trying to put theblocks up, trying to put the
brakes on, and it's sort ofdoing a good job of it.
But I've been able to overcomeit and I need to do it again.
I just hope, because I am inthat good frame of mind right
now, that this phone call doescome through soon.
But maybe I'll just ring againSqueaky wheel, who knows?
You know that's, but maybe I'lljust ring again Squeaky wheel,
(26:49):
who knows, that's something,maybe I need to do.
All right, that's enough fromme.
Again, lots of waffling.
Sorry about that, everybody,but there's a lot going on at
the moment and I am committed tothe idea that I'm going to tell
you everything.
I'm going to give you all thecomplexity, all the feelings and
different things that are goingon, because no podcast that I
(27:09):
know of goes to the depths, tothe realities of mental illness
like this one does.
And that is a promise that I'mgoing to keep with you guys that
this show will go all the way,and all the way it will.
So that's the latest.
There's good news, everybody.
There is good news, there'shope, there is potential here
(27:29):
for some good things to happenand, god, I needed that to hold
on to, because the last coupleof days, last couple of weeks,
have been really, reallydifficult.
But, as we know, I don't haveto go through that again.
You've heard the episodesprevious this one.
You know I wouldn't say I'mjumping up and down in
excitement, but there is thatlittle bit of hope and sometimes
(27:50):
that's all you need.
All right, thank you forlistening, everybody.
I'll see you next time here onthe Disregulated Podcast.
Hello everybody, my name is Ellie Waters and you're
listening to the DysregulatedPodcast.
As always, thank you for tuningin, alright.
So today's episode, I said it'dbe a little bit more positive
and it will be, because therehave been good moves as far as
me and the mental health systemare concerned.
The system is starting to takenotice, which is amazing, and
(00:32):
I'll get into that in a minute.
But at the same time, I'm notgoing to shy away from the truth
, and the fact of the matter isthat life has been particularly
difficult for me the last fewdays, the last few weeks, last
few months and, let's be honest,the last few years, but really
the last few weeks it's beengetting quite acute at times and
(00:53):
it's been getting quiteworrying for me, that's for sure
, because I feel like I'm goinginto territory that maybe I
don't have as much control overas previously I have.
There's been some pretty, youknow, you've heard it.
There have been big episodes,you know negative spirals You've
heard them on the show before,but especially lately, the last
(01:16):
couple of episodes as well,because I'm giving you all the
insight that I can into how I'mfeeling.
And the truth is I've beenfeeling pretty rubbish.
You know, my anxiety has beenhell, but the low mood has been
brittle as well.
That's the bit that's startingto scare me the anxiety.
Don't get me wrong.
(01:36):
The anxiety is ruining my life.
Don't get me wrong, I'm notdiminishing the effects that
anxiety has on me at all.
Anxiety has ruined so manygreat things and, as I'll say in
a minute, it's made even thisgood news difficult to obtain.
But it's the low mood stuffthat's really biting, because
(01:57):
usually it's the anxiety thatcomes first, then the low mood
because I'm not able to functionin the way that I need to which
causes me to feel depressed,and this happens to a lot of
people.
This isn't just an Elliot thing, but it certainly is an Elliot
thing.
But this low mood is sort ofnow taken on a life of its own
and it's operating independentof the anxiety.
(02:20):
The anxiety is still feeding it, don't get me wrong, but it's.
You know, my depression isstanding on its own two legs and
it's like all right, I'm goingto create my own hell here for
Elliot and come along for theride if you want to.
We can do this together.
But I've got some things I wantto do on my own and that's sort
of what's been happening.
I don't know how to explain thisin a way that people understand
(02:42):
, but it feels like mydepression is diverging a little
bit from my anxiety and, as aresult, it's getting stronger
and stronger.
These thoughts about not havingall that much to live for,
these thoughts have gotten sostrong and they just feel like I
(03:03):
don't know.
It just feels.
It's hard to explain, but itjust feels like this isn't a
secondary response to someanxiety.
This is something.
This is a beast on its own andthis is a beast that's causing
me a lot of troubles and I needto get a handle on it.
And the thing that's scary isthat, as I've said in the
previous episodes, or I'vealluded to, I think and if I
(03:24):
haven't I'll explain it nowbecause it's certainly true
which is that I think I need alittle bit of help to push back
against this level of low mood,this level of anxiety.
Doing it on my own just isn'tworking hasn't worked, and I do
fear that, without adequate help, that these things could get
worse and I don't know wherethat leads.
(03:44):
That's scary.
Anyway, as I said, this episodeis meant to be more positive
than it is, and it will bebecause there is some positive
news to report.
So we may remember that.
You know, I was with apsychologist and we rang the
mental health line and I spoketo him again.
I've explained all that on theprevious episode.
If you haven't listened to it,I suggest that you do, because
(04:06):
for many reasons, but one greatreason is that you will not get
better insight I don't reckoninto the world of mental illness
than some of the stuff thatI've spoken about on that
episode previously.
But anyway, we know that thispodcast goes further than any
other, or at least I think itdoes.
I don't need to harp on thatagain, although it's true.
(04:27):
So please, you know, believe it.
Anyway, what was I saying?
Yes, so I got talking to themental health line with my
psychologist and there was areferral made to the Newcastle
Community Mental Health Team.
This is a team that I've beenreferred to before after little
visits to the Mater Hospital,the emergency department.
(04:48):
I've been referred to thembefore, but often I've found in
my experience that they haven'treached out to me and in a way I
fell through the cracks a fewtimes because they didn't reach
out, for whatever reason, Idon't know.
Maybe the referrals that didn'tgo through.
I'd say they are unbelievablyunderstaffed, as the whole New
(05:12):
South Wales health system is, asthe whole of society seems to
be, and it wouldn't shock me ifthe capacity was just not there
to be able to contact me.
And maybe they triaged Becauseoften I leave the martyr after
telling the doctors you know thethings are actually okay,
because I'm, you know, not verygood at advocating for myself
(05:32):
and I tend to play down how badthings really are.
So maybe, I don't know, maybethey've seen the notes and it
doesn't seem as all that badbecause I've downplayed
everything and they think he'sokay.
Now we'll focus on someone else.
I don't know, but if that isthe case, I'll tell you what
something changed this time,because they rang the next day,
which was great and that initself was validating, because
(05:54):
it was like all right, there'ssomething going on here Enough
that the community team has saidright, elliot needs a hand,
let's contact him and try andgive him a hand.
Now, at this point, this is thenext day.
Okay, this is the day after theprevious episode here on the
(06:15):
show, and there's the ADHD brainagain.
This is unbelievable how itkeeps happening every episode.
All right, I've got to have mysystem.
What was I saying?
But yeah, the fact that theyrang was validating, which was
great, even though at this pointI wasn't able to answer the
phone call because of my anxiety.
And that's the thing, my phobiaof phone calls makes this
(06:36):
process so much more difficult.
Because it's a functionalitythat you sort of need in general
in life as a human being theability to socialize with each
other.
And in the modern world, makingphone calls is a very crucial
part of what it is to be humanand to communicate and to get
the things that you want andneed, because you've got to
(06:57):
communicate these things or elseno one knows what's going on.
That's been the problem in thepast with me and the mental
health system.
Often is that not only do I notadvocate very well for myself
because I tend to playeverything down, I also don't
answer phone calls or make phonecalls that I need to make or
answer, which then stops me fromgetting the help that I need.
(07:19):
This has happened so many timesover the years.
It's not funny and it's adirect result of my mental
illnesses, in particular mygeneralized anxiety disorder and
social anxiety disorder, whicha lot of it stems from being
autistic.
So, you know, this is why it'sso difficult, and has been
difficult for me to get help,because my mental illnesses and
(07:41):
a lot of people will be like,yeah, yep, this happens to me
too.
My mental illnesses activelywork against me when I'm trying
to make these good, positivesteps.
Okay, these mental illnesses doit across the board.
You know, if I want to go for arun, we know I get so anxious
before I go for that run and Icompare myself to how great I
used to be, you know.
(08:02):
And then I don't go because Ifeel so discouraged because I'm
nowhere near like I used to be,you know.
And then I don't go because Ifeel so you know discouraged
because I'm nowhere near like Iused to be, you know, that's
just one example, but there's somany examples.
Again, a lot of you guys willbe thinking, yeah, I can think
of a few where these mentalillnesses actively work against
our best interests.
That's what they do.
That's why they're so bad andthey need to be.
(08:23):
You know, we need to get a holdof them and wrestle them into
control.
So the day after, you know, thelast few days, my anxiety has
been pretty bad.
I'm not going to lie.
It's been pretty bad and my lowmood has bounced back a little
bit, which is great.
That's good news, because wewere pretty low there.
Let me tell you I don't have togo through that.
(08:45):
You've heard the episodes, I'msure, previous the last two.
I think they explain prettywell.
I'd like to think how depressedI've been feeling and how much
this idea of lack of hope hasbeen plaguing me and my thoughts
the last couple of weeks.
But the good news is my moodhas rebounded a little bit and
that's because the communitymental health team have reached
(09:09):
out and has validated in just byreaching out, has validated
what I'm going through and hasoffered that little bit of hope.
But I needed, you know.
So they rang and I missed thecall and I was a little bit sort
of happy because, like, well,at least they've rung.
But you know don't get me wrongI thought very quickly, quickly
, that's not enough.
You know, I need to actuallyget on the phone and talk to
(09:30):
them and talk about a planmoving forward and see what they
can offer me.
You know, it's a good thingthat there's that little bit of
validation, but, come on, thatain't going to be enough to push
all these mental illnesses backinto their corners and be able
to lead a life that's worthliving.
You know, I've got to do morethan that.
I need to answer this phonecall, I need to ring them back.
So how on earth do I overcomethe anxiety to ring them back?
(09:53):
Well, there were two main waysthat I did it.
And it took until the followingday.
So this was yesterday, sorry,not sorry, sorry, got that wrong
, not yesterday, today beingTuesday, it was Friday, so
Thursday.
So Wednesday was the psychologyappointment where my
psychologist and I rang themental health line New South
(10:15):
geez, new South Wales, excuse me, mental health line.
That was Wednesday.
Thursday is when they weretrying to contact me and I
couldn't answer, even though Iwas happy that they were making
the effort.
But Friday was then the daythat I was able to make the
phone call, ring them back andhave a really good conversation,
(10:35):
which has spurred on a lot ofthis rebound in mood.
But I had to make that phonecall.
I knew how important it was,you know.
So this is what I had to do tomake that phone call.
I knew how important it was,you know, so this is what I had
to do to make it happen.
The first thing was I did a lotof I did a lot of, I guess,
cognitive restructuring.
So I did a lot of um,imagination work of how I was
(10:57):
hoping the phone call might go.
Um, trying to imagine the phonecall going, going well and
being positive and and being allthe things that I'm hoping it
will be, and imagining thatthere is no pushback or
negativity or anger ordisappointment, all those
negative emotions from the otherperson that then I take on and
(11:18):
carry with me for the rest ofthe day and it ruins my day,
ruins my week, whatever.
I was trying to really imaginethe fact that that doesn't
really happen and in thiscontext, it'd be very unusual
for it to happen as well.
What I was concerned about andI think this was a legitimate
concern was that and I haven'thad this answer just yet but
(11:40):
that they might not be able toprovide what I'm really hoping
that they could, which, ofcourse, is some sort of
framework around maybe gettingoff these medications, maybe
going to a psychiatric ward inthe system like IJMU, or maybe
somewhere else like Bloomfieldin Orange, an extended stay ward
, morissette, even, whatever.
So you know, I knew and I knowthat there was a lot of pressure
(12:02):
on this phone call.
There was a lot riding on itand you know, even if I was the
most mentally well person, youknow there should have been a
bit of anxiety around this phonecall because of the
significance and thepotentiality that is embedded in
this call.
You know there's no two waysabout it.
This phone call could changeeverything and I tried not to
(12:24):
think about that too muchbecause that's too significant.
You know, phone call that couldchange everything and then I
automatically think it couldchange everything for the worse.
You know I need to get awayfrom that all or nothing
thinking Even.
You know, I knew I wouldn't beable to think this could be life
changing for the better andreally embody, you know, and
(12:44):
like, believe it and personifyit.
That was never going to happen.
That's just not me.
So the best I could do whichwould be good enough, I was
hoping was to try and take a bitof that, that thinking around
the significance of the phonecall away and just try and treat
it as any other phone call andgo into it with open curiosity.
And go into it with opencuriosity and a bit of hope, but
(13:13):
not trying to, I suppose,imagine and be a fortune teller
and imagine what's going tohappen, because if I do that, I
automatically was thinking thiswill be a massive, significant
phone call.
It's going to end badly, I'mgoing to be so depressed and
that's the end of everything.
I knew that's what my automaticsort of default thinking was
going to be around this phonecall, if I allowed myself to get
lost in the significance, thepotential significance.
(13:35):
There was no way, because Iknow me that I would think of
the significance in a positivelight and believe that that's
what was going to happen.
So the best I could do, what Idecided to do, was to take the
significance away from them andjust try, try and treat it as
any other phone call, and thattook a lot of thinking.
(13:57):
Unfortunately, though, thatwasn't the only sort of step
that I needed to make.
So I'll admit, I did lean on mymedications quite a bit to be
able to make this phone call, soin particular the Vyvanse,
dexamphetamine medication,because this is the thing when I
have Vyvanse, there's alwaysthis little window.
(14:19):
This is what makes it a bitdangerous potentially, but there
is always this little windowI'm afforded where I have
confidence and I don't have anyanxiety sort of floating around.
I don't know, maybe that's whatit's like for people Normally.
I wouldn't have a clue.
But it is good.
It's a nice little relief,although I know it never lasts.
But it does feel good to havethat anxiety taken away, even if
(14:42):
it's only for like 30 minutes,45 an hour rarely is it any more
than that and then often theanxiety will come back double
anyway.
So that little fleeting momentis just that, just a little
fleeting moment.
But I wanted to take advantageand I thought, right, this was
my plan.
I was like, if I can do all themental, psychological stuff,
get myself in a position whereI'm pretty good, then use the
(15:04):
Vyvanse to get this window ofopportunity.
It would be during that windowof opportunity, when the anxiety
levels were lower, that I'd beable to make this phone call.
So a lot went into it and I wasable to do it.
So it's not the best, probablyhealthiest way, most adaptive
way to do these things.
But look at this point I justgot to make this phone call.
(15:25):
It doesn't matter how I do it.
The phone call needs to be madebecause the potential is there
that this could be life-changing.
This is the system reaching outto offer me assistance and so I
did make the phone call.
I made the phone call and as itwas ringing, I was petrified.
The anxiety came back realquick but I was already into it.
I wasn't going to hang up.
And then, once the phone myring, my call was answered.
(15:49):
Yes, did I disassociate quite abit?
I sure did.
So.
I don't remember everythingabout the conversation because
my safety mechanisms were tryingto flee from the scene because
there was too much anxiety andstress involved.
But once I was in it, I wasable to stay in it in the moment
and I was able to have aconversation with a very helpful
(16:11):
mental health professional onthe other end of the phone who
was very helpful and veryengaged and interested in my
story and validated me in a bigbig way, which was amazing.
Interested in my story andvalidated me in a big big way,
which was amazing.
So the phone call like I said,I don't remember all of it, but
I did tell her my usual spills.
(16:31):
She had copies of my referralsfrom my psychologist and from
the martyr previously and my GP,so she had a bit of an idea of
what was going on anyway, whichwas very, very helpful, because
I wasn't really you know I'mgetting a bit sick of repeating
my story constantly to differentmental health professionals.
So I didn't have to do all thatthis time, which was great, and
that really, really helped,because then I was able to just
(16:53):
devote energy towards how Ibelieve my prognosis can improve
, the things that I think needto happen, and then be able to
get her opinion on that.
This was only, you know, anintroductory sort of call, you
know what I mean, but it didtick a lot of the right boxes.
So she knew my story.
So I felt heard, my story wasunderstood, I felt she validated
(17:17):
it and said some really nicewords.
You know that I've sort of heldon to to try and remember that
I am one tough cookie, don't youworry about that and every day
is a battle, but every day Iface up to it and there's no
knocking me down.
You know what I mean.
I'll just keep on trucking.
But that was important becauseI've been battling such a low
(17:40):
mood lately that the low mood Iassumed would come back after
this phone call, because thatseems to be my default setting
at the moment.
So for her to say some reallykind things and some things that
I knew I could hold on to.
That was really good as far aspushing back against a bit of a
low mood later on in the day asit tried to develop.
But the big important thing wasthat she said many times she
(18:06):
said thing was that she saidmany times, she said, elliot,
the system, we are going to help, you are now with us, we are
going to do something for you,and she kept saying it over and
over again, which was greatbecause I needed that constant
reassurance, because I feel likethe system has let me down so
many times previously, and so itwas great to get you know she
was very firm on this, very firm, and it didn't feel like she
(18:26):
was just mucking around andsaying it was great to get you
know she was very firm on this,very firm, and it didn't feel
like she was just mucking aroundand saying it.
You know, because that's whather piece of paper says that she
should say.
The whole conversation felt verygenuine, which was really good
again, as far as my anxiety goesand keeping it at bay, and when
she said repeatedly that thatthe system would be helping and
(18:49):
that not to, you know, to notworry because the system's now
engaged.
You know, it just felt reallyreal and it was really genuine.
It felt and it was really greatto hear because I needed to
hear it.
Forget about plans movingforward.
That in itself was enough tohear.
I did mention how I feel likeextended stay wards like
Bloomfield at Orange, orintermediate wards again, like
(19:11):
IJMU or even Morissette Hospital.
I said I am open to anything.
Although I was disassociatingthrough the phone call, I
remember saying very firmly andI was very with it and grounded
when I said this and I said I'mthe most willing patient you'll
find I will do anything to geton top of this mental health you
(19:34):
know sort of landscape of mineto iron out these complexities
and build that life that Ibelieve is worth living and
maybe achieve some of the thingsthat supposedly my potential
alludes me to.
I don't know, we'll see whathappens, but I'm I'll do
anything.
I'll do it right now.
Let's go.
Unfortunately she wasn't able toput things in motion right
(19:55):
there and then, but she saidagain repeatedly and very
genuinely, I believe she saidbecause this was Friday
afternoon, she said I am goingto go Once we're off the phone,
I'm going to go get apsychiatrist right now and I'm
going to talk to them about yourstory right now and then Monday
(20:15):
, over the weekend, we're goingto sort this out, and Monday
we're going to give you a calland we're going to come up with
a plan.
And she said you know, I'veheard your story.
I feel the pain that you have,but I also understand.
You know how willing you arefor change and what you'll do
and the things that you'll doand the good things that you may
(20:36):
bring to the world if you havethe ability to do so.
And I was like, yes, yes, thankyou.
You know, that's what I need tohear.
So that was great.
So she was very firm on the factthat the system was now going
to help.
And she was also very firm onthe fact that she would talk to
a doctor before the day wasthrough, unless they'd already
(20:56):
left early for a long weekend,which, she said, sometimes they
like to do.
And I said you know, Iunderstand we all like a long
weekend, but I just thanked her.
I kept thanking her so much fortaking me seriously and
genuinely, you know, going intobat for me and trying to come up
with a plan to make my life alittle bit you know, a little
bit nicer and worth living, andso I don't have to keep
(21:18):
questioning if it's worth thesuffering and all that sort of
stuff.
You know what I mean.
So this episode is a lot morepositive.
I can't be too over the topbecause, you know, once I got
off the phone half an hour laterI was negative again.
The anxiety never really wentaway, all that sort of stuff.
But at the same time real moveswere made.
The problem was get to Monday.
(21:39):
Yesterday I was super anxiousagain and I wasn't able to lift
myself out of it because theywere ringing.
They did try and ring yesterday, but I just could not have that
conversation.
I just couldn't do it.
I did not have the capacity,even though I knew the potential
or the potentiality of thephone call.
(22:00):
As far as my life moving forward, and although that is exciting
which is great I do feel exciteda little bit now about what
might be coming, even if it'sgoing to get worse before it
gets better.
But at least there could besomething coming.
There could be a way out ofthis mess.
But unfortunately my anxietyand my low mood as well was just
too strong.
Yes, I just couldn't do it.
(22:21):
So, today being Tuesday, I'vetried to call them and I got
through.
But the person they were goingto transfer me through who isn't
, I don't think, the same person?
That it was Friday, but look, Idon't care, whatever, as long
as it gets through to somebodywho's got the ability to pull
some strings here.
Unfortunately, they're on thephone and I couldn't get put
(22:43):
through to them, which is fairenough, that's fine.
I'm not the only person seekinghelp, and I understand that.
But I am hoping that they'regoing to ring back and then I
can present some more news toyou guys about how great things
are looking.
All of a sudden, there's a planin place, there's a framework
for recovery.
Here we go.
This is the moment that couldchange everything.
(23:06):
I don't know, I haven't hadthat phone call just yet, but I
have had the initial phone call.
That is setting up thepotential for that phone call
next, and that's exciting, andit's really good that the system
it's better than good that thesystem seems to now, you know,
be taking me under its wingpotentially.
(23:27):
There's a lot of potential here, whether it's me or whether
it's things in life, you know,and it's frustrating going on
about this potential constantly,because I want to tell you guys
about things that are actuallyhappening.
You know, things that are solid, you know that are real and
tangible, that are actuallyhappening, not just ideas or
dreams or hopes.
But I've got a bit of hope againand you know this sorry last
(23:51):
week.
You know the episodes previous,I think, convey this idea
pretty well, unfortunately thatI was losing hope.
Hope was just about gone andonce you lose hope, it's very
hard to come back from that andI was teetering on the edge of
that.
I'm not going to lie,unfortunately.
But this phone call, thiscontact with the Newcastle
(24:12):
Community Mental Health team,the fact that they seem willing
and able to come to me with aplan moving forward I just need
to answer their phone calls yeah, I'd be better at that but at
the same time, this is apotential way forward and this
is what I've needed and there issome hope, there is a bit of
hope, but I really hope the nextepisode I do on here is some
(24:37):
really good news about a planthat's going to happen, that's
going to get me back on top, buthopefully that's coming.
You know I keep looking at myphone as I do this episode.
Once again, this episode's goingway longer than I planned.
That's been a bit of a theme ofthese episodes lately.
They've been going a bit longerthan maybe usually my episodes
here on the show would go.
By all means, if you're stilllistening at this point of the
(24:59):
episode, tell me if you enjoythis length of episode around
the half an hour mark or it'sshorter ones better.
I don't actually know.
I should ask people what youguys prefer, because then I can,
you know, mold the show aroundthat a little bit and, you know,
come up with content that'sengaging and gets the point
across, maybe without waffling.
But I don't know, maybe theselonger episodes is what's
(25:22):
required, because there is a lotof complexity that I need to
get through and there is a bitgoing on, and the good news is
there's a bit going on now inthe good sense.
I didn't have much hope for thefuture whatsoever when I left
that psychology appointment,although I was so grateful that
my psychologist was going in abat for me.
At the same time, I had verylittle faith that the system was
(25:45):
going to finally do somethingfor me.
But what's important, thetakeaway message is the system
has come to the party and isoffering a degree of hope.
I just need to be able to getonto them and have another good
phone call with them to organizesome of the details.
But, as you know, that is hardbecause I have a lot of anxiety
around phone calls.
(26:05):
And that's the thing withmental illness.
Often they do as much as theycan to stop you, the individual
or me, whatever, doing thethings that need to be done to
try and nullify these illnesses.
They don't want to bediminished whatsoever.
So they tend to kick up a stink, and that's what's happening
with me.
My anxiety is a little bitscared itself, I think, of what
(26:28):
might be coming.
So I was trying to put theblocks up, trying to put the
brakes on, and it's sort ofdoing a good job of it.
But I've been able to overcomeit and I need to do it again.
I just hope, because I am inthat good frame of mind right
now, that this phone call doescome through soon.
But maybe I'll just ring againSqueaky wheel, who knows?
You know that's, but maybe I'lljust ring again Squeaky wheel,
(26:49):
who knows, that's something,maybe I need to do.
All right, that's enough fromme.
Again, lots of waffling.
Sorry about that, everybody,but there's a lot going on at
the moment and I am committed tothe idea that I'm going to tell
you everything.
I'm going to give you all thecomplexity, all the feelings and
different things that are goingon, because no podcast that I
(27:09):
know of goes to the depths, tothe realities of mental illness
like this one does.
And that is a promise that I'mgoing to keep with you guys that
this show will go all the way,and all the way it will.
So that's the latest.
There's good news, everybody.
There is good news, there'shope, there is potential here
(27:29):
for some good things to happenand, god, I needed that to hold
on to, because the last coupleof days, last couple of weeks,
have been really, reallydifficult.
But, as we know, I don't haveto go through that again.
You've heard the episodesprevious this one.
You know I wouldn't say I'mjumping up and down in
excitement, but there is thatlittle bit of hope and sometimes
(27:50):
that's all you need.
All right, thank you forlistening, everybody.
I'll see you next time here onthe Disregulated Podcast.
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