July 3, 2025 • 26 mins
In this episode of My Therapy Reflections, I explore my latest psychology session, which admittedly wasn’t particularly productive. With my mind in overdrive from lack of sleep, stimulant dependency, and sheer frustration at life, I spent most of the session ranting—about how I’m not getting the help I need, how my life feels worthless, how all the suffering and sacrifice hasn’t led to the happiness I thought it would.
I leaned hard into that old belief that there are winners and losers in this world—and I’m firmly in the loser camp, destined for disappointment. My negative loops were too strong to break, so my therapist could really only listen.
But even so, these sessions matter. They give my therapist a fuller picture of what I’m up against. And while we didn’t work through much trauma or with my parts this time, just showing up meant everything—especially since I had to crank myself right up to get there.
--
Follow my journey through the chaos of mental illness and the hard-fought lessons learned along the way.
Lived experience is at the heart of this podcast — every episode told through my own lens, with raw honesty and zero filter.
This is a genuine and vulnerable account of how multiple psychological disorders have shaped my past and continue to influence my future.
You can follow me on Instagram: @elliot.t.waters, and the show on Facebook!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 0 (00:11):
G'day everybody.
My name is Elliot Waters andyou're listening to the
Dysregulated Podcast as always.
Thank you for tuning in.
Today's episode is the next ofmy therapy reflections.
So last week I went to therapyand it wasn't particularly good
and I'm going to explain why,but it needs to be said in the
context in which it occurred.
(00:32):
So last week was a 5am week,you know early shifts at work.
I had horrendous sleep all weekand the therapy session fell on
a Thursday and I had horrendoussleep, like I said, and we know
that poor sleep can cause a lotof poor outcomes, certainly if
you've got multiplepsychological disorders doing
(00:55):
their thing.
So my anxiety was way up.
My internal inner critic wasdialed up as well, because my
ability to push back againstthose thoughts, those negative
cognitions, just wasn't there,because I was just so tired.
There was a lot of that sort ofnegativity going on.
But, as we know, I don't get achoice when it comes to going to
(01:19):
work or not, and most of usdon't.
But in the sense that I need tobe going to work to get the
therapy, because I need themoney to be able to pay for
therapy, and I need to be goingto therapy because I need to get
the confidence to go for a newposition somewhere and live out
my dream.
That feels like he's slippingslowly away.
So I am sort of stuck in thiscycle which we all are.
(01:42):
We've all got bills and stuffto pay for.
I'm not unique in that but atthe same time the pressure is
still on.
I've got to get to work, I'vegot to get the therapy, I've got
to do everything.
At least that's what it feelslike, because in general I don't
feel as though my life is goingparticularly well.
So my inner critic and theworkaholic and the cognitive
overthinker and a few of thoseparts that I've spoken about
(02:05):
before, they firmly believe thatwe need to work harder, we need
to think more about it, we needto do more, more, more, more.
Because although we seem to betrying hard, we're not getting
the outcomes in life that wewant, and that's not good.
So something's wrong.
And those inner parts tell meit's me basically not working
(02:25):
hard enough and doing the rightthings, which people who are
external, who have an objectiveview, tend to disagree with that
.
But those voices ring very loudinside my head.
I don't mean in a schizophrenicway, but I mean constant
negative cognitions, runningmyself down, running my life
down, and I've got to overcomethat somehow and get to work
(02:48):
every day.
I've got to overcome theanxiety that I feel every day,
like this morning, for example.
This is going off topic alittle bit, but this morning I
woke up straight away, boom,panic attack.
And I don't even know why.
You know like I can't think ofa reason that would have
triggered it off.
It just did so every day.
You know, I've got to fight andbattle and rip and tear and try
(03:12):
and just get through the day,somehow get my responsibilities
under, done, underway andcompleted.
And I need to do this becauseif I don't, everything will fall
down, or at least again, that'sthe feeling I've got, that's
what I keep getting told.
If I falter, everything willcrumble.
So, as you can imagine, thepressure is on and that's
(03:32):
probably where a lot of thisanxiety is coming from, because
my body is in fight or flight.
My mind is as well, it's inwell, it's trying to be in fight
mode to get things done, butwhat's actually happening is I'm
going into freeze mode and I'mnot getting things done, and
then that adds to the stress.
So, anyway, that was well,that's every day.
(03:54):
But that was certainly a big,big way of my thinking last week
and when I went to therapy, Iwas all charged up, I was all
revved up because I had to getto work.
So, admittedly, I had used abit more of some of my
prescriptions to get to work andthen to get to therapy, because
I have no choice.
(04:14):
Somehow, one way or another,I've got to tick these things
off or else it'll all fall down.
So I'll do whatever it takes tobe able to do the things that I
need to do, which is difficultwhen your circuitry and neurons
are all mixed up, crossed overand don't work and function as
maybe we wish they could.
(04:34):
And maybe you know, and a lotof people experience this, this
isn't a thing that's an Elliotthing, although it is an Elliot
thing in the sense that this ismy life and it is very, very
difficult at the moment toproceed in a way that's healthy,
that's functional and gives mea chance at living the dream
(04:54):
that I feel is slipping away,and that's essentially what I
was going on about in therapy.
So, as I said, I was all chargedup, I was all revved up, and
when that happens, I get stuckin these negative loops and I
really, really can't get out ofthem.
Often, the only way to get outof it is to go to bed and then
wake up and hope thateverything's calmed down a bit,
(05:15):
which sometimes works.
Sometimes doesn't.
So I'm in therapy, right, Iwalk in, I'm all red in the face
, I'm all flush because I'mtired and my blood pressure's
probably up because of a littlebit too much maybe
dexamphetamine and caffeine andall those sort of stimulants to
get myself out of the hole andfunctional and active and being
able to do things that I need todo.
So I walk in there.
(05:36):
I've got constant negativeruminations just swirling around
my head, which is a constant.
That's an everyday thing aswell.
But this particular day, withthe lack of sleep, the
stimulants, all that sort ofstuff, and a few losses on the
board too when it comes to meapplying for jobs, I was not in
the best of moods.
(05:57):
So I went in there, I sat downand I just went very much like
I'm doing right now.
I just blurted out everything,these negative loops in my head,
I verbalized, and we just wentaround and around and around in
circles, and it didn't matterwhat my therapist said.
There was no way, in thatmoment, that day, you were going
(06:18):
to snap me out of thosenegative ruminations.
It just was not going to happenand it didn't happen.
And my therapist even said shesaid a few things when she got
the chance to speak and one ofthem was that the therapy
session essentially from thestandpoint of working through
trauma and working on thoseconfidence things is a waste of
(06:40):
time today because I just wasnot, my head was not in the game
at all.
I wasn't in the game at all.
I was on the sidelines andthere was no chance of knocking
me out of those negative loops.
I was just too strong, fueledby lack of sleep, too many
stimulants and just me beingfrustrated at life in general.
So I was going on about thingsthat I talk about on here.
(07:02):
So I was saying how there'swinners in life and there's
losers and how I feel like I'm aloser and that unfortunately I
don't have the ability to beignorantly bliss about the evils
of the world, because life is atragedy.
We all die, life is a tragedyand most people, as far as I'm
(07:23):
aware, are able to push thatthought aside, not look at it,
compartmentalize it.
Perhaps if we want to talkpsychological and proceed with
their day and achieve the thingsthey want to achieve or at
least give it a red hot crack,not being weighed down by these
negative thoughts.
And unfortunately, with the waythat my brain is wired, I can't
do anything but dwell on thesenegative thoughts.
(07:46):
It just depends on theintensity.
But even my good days, I'mstill constantly thinking.
I think about death all the time, all the time, and I think
about how there's winners andlosers and how a lot of people
that I help at work are winners,and how I feel like I'm a loser
that's destined to be deficientin life and not achieve the
(08:08):
things that I want to achieve.
And we know why I think thesesorts of things because I don't
have a relationship, I'm not inone, I don't have any money, I'm
not in a career that I'd liketo really be doing.
There's a lot more to it thanthat.
There's like eight mentalillnesses at play.
I'm autistic, so I see theworld a bit differently and the
(08:30):
world isn't made for people likeme or at least that's how I
feel.
And I battle these things everysingle day and it's like belting
your head against a brick wall,and this is what I was saying
to my therapist in therapy and,as I said, when she got the
chance to speak, because I wasjust going for it and, to be
(08:50):
honest with you, it didn't evenfeel cathartic, it didn't really
feel like lessening my burdenat all.
If anything, me just rattlingon about how the world's evil
and I'm not destined foranything good and what's the
point of continuing on, what'sthe point of all this suffering
if there's no trade off and noreward at the end of it, which
(09:10):
is a question I still ask myself.
Even today.
I ask myself that questionwhat's the point?
The idea is you make sacrificesin life and then there's some
sort of reward and I feel asthough the rewards are not
coming for me, even though Ifeel like I've made lots and
lots of sacrifices.
Every day is a struggle, everyday is suffering, and the idea
(09:32):
is, if I keep at it, keep going,the good things will come.
But as I sit here now, 34 yearsof age, look, I'm falling into
the loop again.
I apologize for being sonegative, but I can't help it
because at the moment things arenot going well at all.
Things are not going well.
And when things are not goinggood and your mind tends to take
(09:55):
over, or at least the negativeparts of your mind tends to take
over.
That's when psychologicaltherapy becomes very difficult,
very difficult, and that's whathappened last week in my session
.
Now, like I said, I didn'treally feel that much better for
speaking it out loud and itjust revved me up and got me,
you know, it's sort of in a way,I think, maybe reinforced what
(10:18):
I was sort of thinking, becausemy therapist wasn't given the
chance really to be able to pushback against those negative
cognitions that I was spewingout and even if she was given
the opportunity, I don't think Iwas going to listen anyway that
I was spewing out, and even ifshe was given the opportunity, I
don't think I was going tolisten anyway.
I was in that sort of moodwhere I was like, nah, I know
how this world works and itain't working for me, I ain't
listening to nobody becauseshe's all wrong.
(10:38):
I'm right, you know, leave mealone.
So it's very difficult toengage in psychological therapy
when you're in that frame ofmind.
My walls were up and they werepowered by anger and frustration
and there was no chance that wewere going to bring those walls
down and have a productivetherapy session.
So I'm not going to say it was acomplete waste of time, because
(11:00):
these things need to happen,because this is life for me,
this is how I live and I need mytherapist at times to see me at
the low points to reallyunderstand what's going on so
she can better formulate a planfor me moving forward and how
we're going to shape thetherapies and what we're going
to do now and then.
(11:23):
But it's a shame when they do,because you don't really make
much ground.
The improvements aren't there,because it's just the playing
field, it's not on, it's not onthe opportunity to get in that
therapeutic space and make somereal sort of advancements.
It's just not there.
The opportunity is not affordedto either of us because those
(11:45):
negative thoughts were just waytoo strong and they were fueled
by lack of sleep, too manystimulants and just this
building, building frustrationthat I have at the moment
because I'll tell you, this NewSouth Wales mental health system
has dropped the ball big time.
I don't know how many doctor'sreferrals I need to be sent.
(12:05):
I need to send to get myselfsome sort of help, but it's not
coming.
I don't know.
It's not coming and it's makingme so angry that this is
happening and I know that thisisn't just something that's
occurring to me.
This is happening across theboard.
There are a lot of people inthe state of New South Wales the
great state of New South Walesat the moment that need
(12:27):
specialized psychiatric care andwe're not getting it, and it's
dangerous and it's not good atall.
And again, this is another thingthat I kept going on about in
the therapy session.
I just kept whinging although Ithink rightly so about how the
help has not been afforded to meand how it's not really fair,
and I don't feel as though it'sfair.
(12:47):
You know, I try hard every dayto do the right things, to do
the right things by people.
You know, I try to do the rightthings by me, as difficult as
that is and as difficult it issometimes to get the motivation
and the inspiration to actuallydo the right things for me.
But I sacrifice a lot and Isuffer a lot as well, and all I
(13:09):
want are the basics.
All I want at the moment forgetabout getting a wife and a
mortgage, whatever.
Don't get me wrong.
I'd love those things, somefinancial security and all that.
I would love all of that andI'm hoping that it may still
happen one day.
But what I really want at themoment is just some help from a
doctor, from a psychiatrist,that can look at my meds, do
(13:31):
some tweaking and see if we canget some better results.
Because for someone who's onlike seven or eight medications
heavy, heavy psychoactivemedications I'd expect more out
of the meds than what they'regiving me.
There's a lot of side effectsthat seem to be occurring, but
the benefits I just am notseeing because these negative
loops are just getting strongerand stronger.
(13:53):
And that's the sort of stuffthat I was hoping that things
like chlamypramine, thetricyclic antidepressant which
is the gold standard for OCD,those obsessive, constant
thoughts.
Well, I'm on chlamypramine, I'mon higher than the max dose and
it still isn't stopping thesenegative thoughts.
They just keep coming in andkeep swirling around and ripping
(14:16):
me down.
So I'm at the point and I wassaying this in therapy that you
know therapy is important.
Obviously that's where thebiggest gains are going to be.
For me, for sure, it'spsychological stuff, the trauma
work, talking to these innerparts and getting everyone on
board with the healthy, positiveway forward.
But there's some barriers toany therapeutic efficacy at the
(14:39):
moment.
And the barriers are thatthere's these thoughts and the
way that my wiring is firing atthe moment.
That just makes it nearimpossible for a therapist or
myself to get in there andchange the narrative.
And that's what we're trying todo in therapy at the moment, is
change the narrative and get myinner parts like the inner
child.
(14:59):
Well, not so much the innerchild the inner child, hopefully
, will be the beneficiary, butmy inner 16-year-old, the loose
cannon, the newly discovered15-year-old, which I haven't
named yet, but the one before Igot corrupted by school or
school forces, social forces,while at school, the workaholic
(15:21):
which has been crazy lately,just trying to drive me forward.
But I know it's not healthy,but hey, I can't come up with an
argument at the moment againstit to say this isn't the right
way forward.
I don't know what the right wayforward is, so let's just try
and work out of it, even thoughthat's not worked in the past,
Anyway.
Anyway, what I'm saying isthose inner parts.
(15:41):
Now I've forgotten what I wasgoing to say.
There's that ADHD.
This happens every.
Does this happen every episode,or does this happen every
episode?
What was I saying?
Um, I don't remember what I wassaying.
But the point is, unfortunatelyI went into that therapy session
not in the headspace for anychance at all for any any sort
(16:02):
of probing work to be done, anytrauma work.
It just was never going tohappen.
The walls were up, they werefueled by anger and it's getting
worse because I'm getting moreand more angry because I'm not
getting the help that Idesperately need.
So my therapist basically saidthat the session was, at least
from the point of view ofworking on traumas and rewriting
(16:23):
that narrative, thatunfortunately it was going to be
a complete waste of timebecause obviously I was way too
aroused, hyper aroused, way toomuch fire and fury and just way
too much talking by me, justblah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
just constant.
She had to pull me up a fewtimes and be like all right,
take a breath and just hang on.
But she did say she'd neverseen me in that state before.
(16:45):
It was the worst that she'sprobably ever seen me and it was
definitely the most negativethat she's seen me as well.
And I was like, well, look, it'ssort of in a way, although you
know, unfortunately thisparticular session wasn't the
most beneficial, I think it'simportant that my therapist sees
me in that state, because thatstate that I was in is becoming
(17:07):
more and more common.
It's not an exception anymore,it's not an outlier.
When you look at my behaviorsand moods, it's becoming the
norm, because I feel like lifeis not affording me the basics,
the fundamentals that othersseem to take for granted, even
though I'm suffering so much,because that's the whole point.
(17:28):
As human beings.
The idea is in this world wehave to suffer and make
sacrifices, but we do it becauseof our meaning and purpose and
the things that will grow out ofour sacrifices.
And for me, I don't see thesethings coming.
I don't see the wins, becausethere haven't been many wins
that at least I can consciouslythink about in this frame of
(17:52):
mind.
There probably are wins, butI'm probably ignoring them.
I'm well aware of that.
But hey, this is what I'm upagainst every day.
I don't see the wins on theboard that make it worthwhile.
And it's a tough, tough thingto swallow, but that's how I
feel.
And the longer this drags on,the worse it's going to.
Tough thing to swallow, butthat's how I feel.
And the longer this drags on,the worse it's going to get, the
more frequent these days aregoing to be where I'm just in no
(18:15):
shape whatsoever way, shape orform, able to think anything
differently than the negativenarrative that is being told to
me inside my head.
Um, you know, this is becomingmore and more common and it's a
big, big problem, and this is athing that medication I would
have hoped might lessen, andthen that the idea is for me,
the medications would lowerthose walls so that the therapy
(18:39):
can do its thing, and that'swhere a life worth living really
is.
So that's basically what thattherapy session was about.
It was about me venting.
It wasn't cathartic.
Unfortunately, I didn't feelbetter at the end of it, like,
oh you know, I've offloaded someof my burden.
That feels good.
You know, I'm glad that Ihashed it out.
You know what I mean.
Unfortunately, I didn't feel anybetter from doing it, but a day
(19:01):
or two later I did look backand even now, as I sit here, a
few days on from when I wentthere, I'm very happy that I
went, because it's so importantthat I stick with these routines
, especially things like therapy, even if the sessions aren't of
the quality that we're hopingfor.
The fact that I'm going and I'mgoing consistently, that in the
(19:23):
longer term, I believe, willbear fruit big time.
And although every sessionisn't going to be amazing and
rewriting the narrative and belife-changing, just going every
single session ticking that box,walking in there, walking out
and knowing that I've done goodand I gave it my best shot, that
is a huge, huge win.
(19:43):
And even if I don't feel thewin in the moment, thankfully
when I've got a clear ahead,even if it is a day or two later
, I look back, like I did lastweek, and think, okay, all right
, that wasn't perfect, but wedid it and that's pretty bloody
good.
Give yourself a pat on the back, son.
You did well, so that's the go.
So my therapy session was verynegative, very negative.
(20:07):
It was just me talking like Ihave today negative loops, blah,
blah, blah.
You know the story.
It's not blah, blah, blah, butyou know what I mean.
It's the same old story.
We've heard it a million timesbefore.
But unfortunately it is thesame old story because things
are not changing and a lot of itwas also talking about the fact
that I have not had the helpfrom the New South Wales mental
(20:30):
health system thus far andtalking a lot about that and
maybe some strategies.
We spoke a little bit aboutstrategies, about the whole
phone calls thing, which I don'tlike, but yeah, unfortunately
most of the session was just meranting and raving Um, but in a
way that was not aggressive, notvolatile, just very intense.
(20:52):
And this is the last thing I'llfinish on, um, cause I was a
little bit concerned, cause I'vebeen told before by people that
oh, elliot, when you get realfired up, you know you seem
aggressive and angry and allthis and stuff.
And you know I've always beenworried about that because I'm
not an aggressive, angry person.
But I know I get fired upbecause I'm a very intense
person and I feel things thegood and the bad very, very
(21:16):
strongly, and that's just theway I am.
But I certainly don't want tocome across as volatile and I
don't want to come across asdangerous to people.
But I also am acutely awarethat sometimes with certain
mental illnesses borderlinepersonality disorder is the one
I'm thinking of, but it's notjust BPD.
I mean, you don't need mentalillnesses for this to happen
(21:38):
either.
People just get pissed off.
But I know at times, theexpression of these illnesses,
the expression, potentially, ofmy own behavior and my thoughts
and feelings and emotions.
I do worry that it errs on theside of volatile, but I did say
this to my therapist.
I said that I was worried.
(21:59):
I hope I'm not coming acrosslike that, because that's not
how I feel.
I'm just frustrated andthankfully, this was great.
She said without missing a beatthat at no point in any of the
process has she felt like I'vebeen volatile, potentially
aggressive, in some way.
Any sort of danger was posed toherself or me as well.
(22:22):
Never in our experience, whichis it's just growing and growing
.
I see her every week.
You know every mood state she'snow seen.
Pretty much at no point duringany of this does she feel that
there's any volatility involved,which is great, because that's
something that I do worry about,because the aim is not to.
I don't want to hurt the peoplearound me, but I do need to get
(22:44):
across how bloody, difficult andhard my life is and how crappy
my days are.
I'm not going to sugarcoat thisstuff because this is as real
as it gets.
This is real life and it's notjust me.
I know there's so many of youguys listening right now who are
probably going.
Yeah, I can relate to that,because I'm struggling too.
I need a few wins on the boardand I don't feel like I'm
(23:05):
getting the rewards for myefforts that I deserve.
And I don't know about you guys,but I get pretty pissed off
about that.
I do.
I really get pissed off aboutthat because it's not fair.
I'm sorry, it's not fair.
I've got to be careful and Idon't want to be slipping into
this negative way of thinking,but it's something I'm very
passionate about, and it's notjust passionate about my own
(23:27):
circumstances.
It's a lot of people I lookaround and see going through
similar things as well.
It's not fair for any of us,and all I can hope for is that
things will turn out okay.
But maybe somehow, through allof this I don't know I'll figure
out a way to help people getout of this sort of way of
thinking and I'll cure itforever.
There's the manic Elliot talking, but yeah, what I'm saying is I
(23:51):
get very passionate about itand it's something that I think
about constantly.
So obviously, when I express itin real terms, there's going to
be a level of intensity to it,and I'm just so glad that at no
point has my therapist feltthreatened which she shouldn't,
because I never, ever even thinkanything like that.
But I know that I've been toldthis before, probably by people
(24:14):
who were looking to bring medown not actually, you know, try
and help things at all and justlooking for a way to stick the
knife in.
You could say and point fingers, but those words stick with you
.
So I just want to make sure andthankfully, even in that
session where I was just blowingup, I did not overstep that
(24:34):
mark, which is great because Icertainly didn't want to and I
haven't and I won't.
But at the same time I'm pissedoff because I need help and I
ain't getting it from thesources.
I feel like I should be gettingit, but that's another story
for another day.
That's it.
I'm not going to keep blabbingon because I don't want to fall
into that trap.
(24:55):
So thank you for listening.
I hope you're enjoying thetherapy insights.
They're getting a bittopsy-turvy.
There's some rough seas outthere, the waves are crashing
and this boat is.
I'm trying to turn it aroundand therapy is getting very
interesting becauseunfortunately, things are
getting even harder.
But the fact that I keep goingto therapy I've got to give
(25:17):
myself a pat on the back forthat that's a real big one, and
I'm so glad that I've been ableto do that, because that is
something to build on, that is afoundational block to build a
life worth living, even if itdoesn't feel as though that
dream is possible at the moment,I reckon one day hopefully,
fingers crossed I'm going tolook back and go.
Man, they were the days when Iwas really in the hole.
(25:38):
The walls were closing in.
You know, when I was really inthe hole, you know the walls
were closing in, but, man, Istood tall.
I just was so resilient, justkept going, just kept trucking,
kept going to therapy.
Look at me now.
How amazing is this life thatI've built for myself.
All right, thank you forlistening everybody.
If you're enjoying the show,feel free to like, subscribe,
give it a great rating and youcan share it around with your
(26:00):
mates.
You can follow me on Instagramat elliotttwaters.
A few of you have reached outthis week, which is great.
Thank you very much.
I will do my best to reply.
As you may be aware, my socialcapacity is pretty low, so give
me maybe a couple of days, butI'll get back to you, I promise.
And you can also follow theshow now on Facebook.
(26:20):
Just search the DisregulatedPodcast and the page will come
up.
More content will be posted onthere, moving forward.
So thank everybody forlistening.
I'll see you next time here onthe Disregulated Podcast.
Thank you.
G'day everybody.
My name is Elliot Waters andyou're listening to the
Dysregulated Podcast as always.
Thank you for tuning in.
Today's episode is the next ofmy therapy reflections.
So last week I went to therapyand it wasn't particularly good
and I'm going to explain why,but it needs to be said in the
context in which it occurred.
(00:32):
So last week was a 5am week,you know early shifts at work.
I had horrendous sleep all weekand the therapy session fell on
a Thursday and I had horrendoussleep, like I said, and we know
that poor sleep can cause a lotof poor outcomes, certainly if
you've got multiplepsychological disorders doing
(00:55):
their thing.
So my anxiety was way up.
My internal inner critic wasdialed up as well, because my
ability to push back againstthose thoughts, those negative
cognitions, just wasn't there,because I was just so tired.
There was a lot of that sort ofnegativity going on.
But, as we know, I don't get achoice when it comes to going to
(01:19):
work or not, and most of usdon't.
But in the sense that I need tobe going to work to get the
therapy, because I need themoney to be able to pay for
therapy, and I need to be goingto therapy because I need to get
the confidence to go for a newposition somewhere and live out
my dream.
That feels like he's slippingslowly away.
So I am sort of stuck in thiscycle which we all are.
(01:42):
We've all got bills and stuffto pay for.
I'm not unique in that but atthe same time the pressure is
still on.
I've got to get to work, I'vegot to get the therapy, I've got
to do everything.
At least that's what it feelslike, because in general I don't
feel as though my life is goingparticularly well.
So my inner critic and theworkaholic and the cognitive
overthinker and a few of thoseparts that I've spoken about
(02:05):
before, they firmly believe thatwe need to work harder, we need
to think more about it, we needto do more, more, more, more.
Because although we seem to betrying hard, we're not getting
the outcomes in life that wewant, and that's not good.
So something's wrong.
And those inner parts tell meit's me basically not working
(02:25):
hard enough and doing the rightthings, which people who are
external, who have an objectiveview, tend to disagree with that
.
But those voices ring very loudinside my head.
I don't mean in a schizophrenicway, but I mean constant
negative cognitions, runningmyself down, running my life
down, and I've got to overcomethat somehow and get to work
(02:48):
every day.
I've got to overcome theanxiety that I feel every day,
like this morning, for example.
This is going off topic alittle bit, but this morning I
woke up straight away, boom,panic attack.
And I don't even know why.
You know like I can't think ofa reason that would have
triggered it off.
It just did so every day.
You know, I've got to fight andbattle and rip and tear and try
(03:12):
and just get through the day,somehow get my responsibilities
under, done, underway andcompleted.
And I need to do this becauseif I don't, everything will fall
down, or at least again, that'sthe feeling I've got, that's
what I keep getting told.
If I falter, everything willcrumble.
So, as you can imagine, thepressure is on and that's
(03:32):
probably where a lot of thisanxiety is coming from, because
my body is in fight or flight.
My mind is as well, it's inwell, it's trying to be in fight
mode to get things done, butwhat's actually happening is I'm
going into freeze mode and I'mnot getting things done, and
then that adds to the stress.
So, anyway, that was well,that's every day.
(03:54):
But that was certainly a big,big way of my thinking last week
and when I went to therapy, Iwas all charged up, I was all
revved up because I had to getto work.
So, admittedly, I had used abit more of some of my
prescriptions to get to work andthen to get to therapy, because
I have no choice.
(04:14):
Somehow, one way or another,I've got to tick these things
off or else it'll all fall down.
So I'll do whatever it takes tobe able to do the things that I
need to do, which is difficultwhen your circuitry and neurons
are all mixed up, crossed overand don't work and function as
maybe we wish they could.
(04:34):
And maybe you know, and a lotof people experience this, this
isn't a thing that's an Elliotthing, although it is an Elliot
thing in the sense that this ismy life and it is very, very
difficult at the moment toproceed in a way that's healthy,
that's functional and gives mea chance at living the dream
(04:54):
that I feel is slipping away,and that's essentially what I
was going on about in therapy.
So, as I said, I was all chargedup, I was all revved up, and
when that happens, I get stuckin these negative loops and I
really, really can't get out ofthem.
Often, the only way to get outof it is to go to bed and then
wake up and hope thateverything's calmed down a bit,
(05:15):
which sometimes works.
Sometimes doesn't.
So I'm in therapy, right, Iwalk in, I'm all red in the face
, I'm all flush because I'mtired and my blood pressure's
probably up because of a littlebit too much maybe
dexamphetamine and caffeine andall those sort of stimulants to
get myself out of the hole andfunctional and active and being
able to do things that I need todo.
So I walk in there.
(05:36):
I've got constant negativeruminations just swirling around
my head, which is a constant.
That's an everyday thing aswell.
But this particular day, withthe lack of sleep, the
stimulants, all that sort ofstuff, and a few losses on the
board too when it comes to meapplying for jobs, I was not in
the best of moods.
(05:57):
So I went in there, I sat downand I just went very much like
I'm doing right now.
I just blurted out everything,these negative loops in my head,
I verbalized, and we just wentaround and around and around in
circles, and it didn't matterwhat my therapist said.
There was no way, in thatmoment, that day, you were going
(06:18):
to snap me out of thosenegative ruminations.
It just was not going to happenand it didn't happen.
And my therapist even said shesaid a few things when she got
the chance to speak and one ofthem was that the therapy
session essentially from thestandpoint of working through
trauma and working on thoseconfidence things is a waste of
(06:40):
time today because I just wasnot, my head was not in the game
at all.
I wasn't in the game at all.
I was on the sidelines andthere was no chance of knocking
me out of those negative loops.
I was just too strong, fueledby lack of sleep, too many
stimulants and just me beingfrustrated at life in general.
So I was going on about thingsthat I talk about on here.
(07:02):
So I was saying how there'swinners in life and there's
losers and how I feel like I'm aloser and that unfortunately I
don't have the ability to beignorantly bliss about the evils
of the world, because life is atragedy.
We all die, life is a tragedyand most people, as far as I'm
(07:23):
aware, are able to push thatthought aside, not look at it,
compartmentalize it.
Perhaps if we want to talkpsychological and proceed with
their day and achieve the thingsthey want to achieve or at
least give it a red hot crack,not being weighed down by these
negative thoughts.
And unfortunately, with the waythat my brain is wired, I can't
do anything but dwell on thesenegative thoughts.
(07:46):
It just depends on theintensity.
But even my good days, I'mstill constantly thinking.
I think about death all the time, all the time, and I think
about how there's winners andlosers and how a lot of people
that I help at work are winners,and how I feel like I'm a loser
that's destined to be deficientin life and not achieve the
(08:08):
things that I want to achieve.
And we know why I think thesesorts of things because I don't
have a relationship, I'm not inone, I don't have any money, I'm
not in a career that I'd liketo really be doing.
There's a lot more to it thanthat.
There's like eight mentalillnesses at play.
I'm autistic, so I see theworld a bit differently and the
(08:30):
world isn't made for people likeme or at least that's how I
feel.
And I battle these things everysingle day and it's like belting
your head against a brick wall,and this is what I was saying
to my therapist in therapy and,as I said, when she got the
chance to speak, because I wasjust going for it and, to be
(08:50):
honest with you, it didn't evenfeel cathartic, it didn't really
feel like lessening my burdenat all.
If anything, me just rattlingon about how the world's evil
and I'm not destined foranything good and what's the
point of continuing on, what'sthe point of all this suffering
if there's no trade off and noreward at the end of it, which
(09:10):
is a question I still ask myself.
Even today.
I ask myself that questionwhat's the point?
The idea is you make sacrificesin life and then there's some
sort of reward and I feel asthough the rewards are not
coming for me, even though Ifeel like I've made lots and
lots of sacrifices.
Every day is a struggle, everyday is suffering, and the idea
(09:32):
is, if I keep at it, keep going,the good things will come.
But as I sit here now, 34 yearsof age, look, I'm falling into
the loop again.
I apologize for being sonegative, but I can't help it
because at the moment things arenot going well at all.
Things are not going well.
And when things are not goinggood and your mind tends to take
(09:55):
over, or at least the negativeparts of your mind tends to take
over.
That's when psychologicaltherapy becomes very difficult,
very difficult, and that's whathappened last week in my session
.
Now, like I said, I didn'treally feel that much better for
speaking it out loud and itjust revved me up and got me,
you know, it's sort of in a way,I think, maybe reinforced what
(10:18):
I was sort of thinking, becausemy therapist wasn't given the
chance really to be able to pushback against those negative
cognitions that I was spewingout and even if she was given
the opportunity, I don't think Iwas going to listen anyway that
I was spewing out, and even ifshe was given the opportunity, I
don't think I was going tolisten anyway.
I was in that sort of moodwhere I was like, nah, I know
how this world works and itain't working for me, I ain't
listening to nobody becauseshe's all wrong.
(10:38):
I'm right, you know, leave mealone.
So it's very difficult toengage in psychological therapy
when you're in that frame ofmind.
My walls were up and they werepowered by anger and frustration
and there was no chance that wewere going to bring those walls
down and have a productivetherapy session.
So I'm not going to say it was acomplete waste of time, because
(11:00):
these things need to happen,because this is life for me,
this is how I live and I need mytherapist at times to see me at
the low points to reallyunderstand what's going on so
she can better formulate a planfor me moving forward and how
we're going to shape thetherapies and what we're going
to do now and then.
(11:23):
But it's a shame when they do,because you don't really make
much ground.
The improvements aren't there,because it's just the playing
field, it's not on, it's not onthe opportunity to get in that
therapeutic space and make somereal sort of advancements.
It's just not there.
The opportunity is not affordedto either of us because those
(11:45):
negative thoughts were just waytoo strong and they were fueled
by lack of sleep, too manystimulants and just this
building, building frustrationthat I have at the moment
because I'll tell you, this NewSouth Wales mental health system
has dropped the ball big time.
I don't know how many doctor'sreferrals I need to be sent.
(12:05):
I need to send to get myselfsome sort of help, but it's not
coming.
I don't know.
It's not coming and it's makingme so angry that this is
happening and I know that thisisn't just something that's
occurring to me.
This is happening across theboard.
There are a lot of people inthe state of New South Wales the
great state of New South Walesat the moment that need
(12:27):
specialized psychiatric care andwe're not getting it, and it's
dangerous and it's not good atall.
And again, this is another thingthat I kept going on about in
the therapy session.
I just kept whinging although Ithink rightly so about how the
help has not been afforded to meand how it's not really fair,
and I don't feel as though it'sfair.
(12:47):
You know, I try hard every dayto do the right things, to do
the right things by people.
You know, I try to do the rightthings by me, as difficult as
that is and as difficult it issometimes to get the motivation
and the inspiration to actuallydo the right things for me.
But I sacrifice a lot and Isuffer a lot as well, and all I
(13:09):
want are the basics.
All I want at the moment forgetabout getting a wife and a
mortgage, whatever.
Don't get me wrong.
I'd love those things, somefinancial security and all that.
I would love all of that andI'm hoping that it may still
happen one day.
But what I really want at themoment is just some help from a
doctor, from a psychiatrist,that can look at my meds, do
(13:31):
some tweaking and see if we canget some better results.
Because for someone who's onlike seven or eight medications
heavy, heavy psychoactivemedications I'd expect more out
of the meds than what they'regiving me.
There's a lot of side effectsthat seem to be occurring, but
the benefits I just am notseeing because these negative
loops are just getting strongerand stronger.
(13:53):
And that's the sort of stuffthat I was hoping that things
like chlamypramine, thetricyclic antidepressant which
is the gold standard for OCD,those obsessive, constant
thoughts.
Well, I'm on chlamypramine, I'mon higher than the max dose and
it still isn't stopping thesenegative thoughts.
They just keep coming in andkeep swirling around and ripping
(14:16):
me down.
So I'm at the point and I wassaying this in therapy that you
know therapy is important.
Obviously that's where thebiggest gains are going to be.
For me, for sure, it'spsychological stuff, the trauma
work, talking to these innerparts and getting everyone on
board with the healthy, positiveway forward.
But there's some barriers toany therapeutic efficacy at the
(14:39):
moment.
And the barriers are thatthere's these thoughts and the
way that my wiring is firing atthe moment.
That just makes it nearimpossible for a therapist or
myself to get in there andchange the narrative.
And that's what we're trying todo in therapy at the moment, is
change the narrative and get myinner parts like the inner
child.
(14:59):
Well, not so much the innerchild the inner child, hopefully
, will be the beneficiary, butmy inner 16-year-old, the loose
cannon, the newly discovered15-year-old, which I haven't
named yet, but the one before Igot corrupted by school or
school forces, social forces,while at school, the workaholic
(15:21):
which has been crazy lately,just trying to drive me forward.
But I know it's not healthy,but hey, I can't come up with an
argument at the moment againstit to say this isn't the right
way forward.
I don't know what the right wayforward is, so let's just try
and work out of it, even thoughthat's not worked in the past,
Anyway.
Anyway, what I'm saying isthose inner parts.
(15:41):
Now I've forgotten what I wasgoing to say.
There's that ADHD.
This happens every.
Does this happen every episode,or does this happen every
episode?
What was I saying?
Um, I don't remember what I wassaying.
But the point is, unfortunatelyI went into that therapy session
not in the headspace for anychance at all for any any sort
(16:02):
of probing work to be done, anytrauma work.
It just was never going tohappen.
The walls were up, they werefueled by anger and it's getting
worse because I'm getting moreand more angry because I'm not
getting the help that Idesperately need.
So my therapist basically saidthat the session was, at least
from the point of view ofworking on traumas and rewriting
(16:23):
that narrative, thatunfortunately it was going to be
a complete waste of timebecause obviously I was way too
aroused, hyper aroused, way toomuch fire and fury and just way
too much talking by me, justblah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
just constant.
She had to pull me up a fewtimes and be like all right,
take a breath and just hang on.
But she did say she'd neverseen me in that state before.
(16:45):
It was the worst that she'sprobably ever seen me and it was
definitely the most negativethat she's seen me as well.
And I was like, well, look, it'ssort of in a way, although you
know, unfortunately thisparticular session wasn't the
most beneficial, I think it'simportant that my therapist sees
me in that state, because thatstate that I was in is becoming
(17:07):
more and more common.
It's not an exception anymore,it's not an outlier.
When you look at my behaviorsand moods, it's becoming the
norm, because I feel like lifeis not affording me the basics,
the fundamentals that othersseem to take for granted, even
though I'm suffering so much,because that's the whole point.
(17:28):
As human beings.
The idea is in this world wehave to suffer and make
sacrifices, but we do it becauseof our meaning and purpose and
the things that will grow out ofour sacrifices.
And for me, I don't see thesethings coming.
I don't see the wins, becausethere haven't been many wins
that at least I can consciouslythink about in this frame of
(17:52):
mind.
There probably are wins, butI'm probably ignoring them.
I'm well aware of that.
But hey, this is what I'm upagainst every day.
I don't see the wins on theboard that make it worthwhile.
And it's a tough, tough thingto swallow, but that's how I
feel.
And the longer this drags on,the worse it's going to.
Tough thing to swallow, butthat's how I feel.
And the longer this drags on,the worse it's going to get, the
more frequent these days aregoing to be where I'm just in no
(18:15):
shape whatsoever way, shape orform, able to think anything
differently than the negativenarrative that is being told to
me inside my head.
Um, you know, this is becomingmore and more common and it's a
big, big problem, and this is athing that medication I would
have hoped might lessen, andthen that the idea is for me,
the medications would lowerthose walls so that the therapy
(18:39):
can do its thing, and that'swhere a life worth living really
is.
So that's basically what thattherapy session was about.
It was about me venting.
It wasn't cathartic.
Unfortunately, I didn't feelbetter at the end of it, like,
oh you know, I've offloaded someof my burden.
That feels good.
You know, I'm glad that Ihashed it out.
You know what I mean.
Unfortunately, I didn't feel anybetter from doing it, but a day
(19:01):
or two later I did look backand even now, as I sit here, a
few days on from when I wentthere, I'm very happy that I
went, because it's so importantthat I stick with these routines
, especially things like therapy, even if the sessions aren't of
the quality that we're hopingfor.
The fact that I'm going and I'mgoing consistently, that in the
(19:23):
longer term, I believe, willbear fruit big time.
And although every sessionisn't going to be amazing and
rewriting the narrative and belife-changing, just going every
single session ticking that box,walking in there, walking out
and knowing that I've done goodand I gave it my best shot, that
is a huge, huge win.
(19:43):
And even if I don't feel thewin in the moment, thankfully
when I've got a clear ahead,even if it is a day or two later
, I look back, like I did lastweek, and think, okay, all right
, that wasn't perfect, but wedid it and that's pretty bloody
good.
Give yourself a pat on the back, son.
You did well, so that's the go.
So my therapy session was verynegative, very negative.
(20:07):
It was just me talking like Ihave today negative loops, blah,
blah, blah.
You know the story.
It's not blah, blah, blah, butyou know what I mean.
It's the same old story.
We've heard it a million timesbefore.
But unfortunately it is thesame old story because things
are not changing and a lot of itwas also talking about the fact
that I have not had the helpfrom the New South Wales mental
(20:30):
health system thus far andtalking a lot about that and
maybe some strategies.
We spoke a little bit aboutstrategies, about the whole
phone calls thing, which I don'tlike, but yeah, unfortunately
most of the session was just meranting and raving Um, but in a
way that was not aggressive, notvolatile, just very intense.
(20:52):
And this is the last thing I'llfinish on, um, cause I was a
little bit concerned, cause I'vebeen told before by people that
oh, elliot, when you get realfired up, you know you seem
aggressive and angry and allthis and stuff.
And you know I've always beenworried about that because I'm
not an aggressive, angry person.
But I know I get fired upbecause I'm a very intense
person and I feel things thegood and the bad very, very
(21:16):
strongly, and that's just theway I am.
But I certainly don't want tocome across as volatile and I
don't want to come across asdangerous to people.
But I also am acutely awarethat sometimes with certain
mental illnesses borderlinepersonality disorder is the one
I'm thinking of, but it's notjust BPD.
I mean, you don't need mentalillnesses for this to happen
(21:38):
either.
People just get pissed off.
But I know at times, theexpression of these illnesses,
the expression, potentially, ofmy own behavior and my thoughts
and feelings and emotions.
I do worry that it errs on theside of volatile, but I did say
this to my therapist.
I said that I was worried.
(21:59):
I hope I'm not coming acrosslike that, because that's not
how I feel.
I'm just frustrated andthankfully, this was great.
She said without missing a beatthat at no point in any of the
process has she felt like I'vebeen volatile, potentially
aggressive, in some way.
Any sort of danger was posed toherself or me as well.
(22:22):
Never in our experience, whichis it's just growing and growing
.
I see her every week.
You know every mood state she'snow seen.
Pretty much at no point duringany of this does she feel that
there's any volatility involved,which is great, because that's
something that I do worry about,because the aim is not to.
I don't want to hurt the peoplearound me, but I do need to get
(22:44):
across how bloody, difficult andhard my life is and how crappy
my days are.
I'm not going to sugarcoat thisstuff because this is as real
as it gets.
This is real life and it's notjust me.
I know there's so many of youguys listening right now who are
probably going.
Yeah, I can relate to that,because I'm struggling too.
I need a few wins on the boardand I don't feel like I'm
(23:05):
getting the rewards for myefforts that I deserve.
And I don't know about you guys,but I get pretty pissed off
about that.
I do.
I really get pissed off aboutthat because it's not fair.
I'm sorry, it's not fair.
I've got to be careful and Idon't want to be slipping into
this negative way of thinking,but it's something I'm very
passionate about, and it's notjust passionate about my own
(23:27):
circumstances.
It's a lot of people I lookaround and see going through
similar things as well.
It's not fair for any of us,and all I can hope for is that
things will turn out okay.
But maybe somehow, through allof this I don't know I'll figure
out a way to help people getout of this sort of way of
thinking and I'll cure itforever.
There's the manic Elliot talking, but yeah, what I'm saying is I
(23:51):
get very passionate about itand it's something that I think
about constantly.
So obviously, when I express itin real terms, there's going to
be a level of intensity to it,and I'm just so glad that at no
point has my therapist feltthreatened which she shouldn't,
because I never, ever even thinkanything like that.
But I know that I've been toldthis before, probably by people
(24:14):
who were looking to bring medown not actually, you know, try
and help things at all and justlooking for a way to stick the
knife in.
You could say and point fingers, but those words stick with you
.
So I just want to make sure andthankfully, even in that
session where I was just blowingup, I did not overstep that
(24:34):
mark, which is great because Icertainly didn't want to and I
haven't and I won't.
But at the same time I'm pissedoff because I need help and I
ain't getting it from thesources.
I feel like I should be gettingit, but that's another story
for another day.
That's it.
I'm not going to keep blabbingon because I don't want to fall
into that trap.
(24:55):
So thank you for listening.
I hope you're enjoying thetherapy insights.
They're getting a bittopsy-turvy.
There's some rough seas outthere, the waves are crashing
and this boat is.
I'm trying to turn it aroundand therapy is getting very
interesting becauseunfortunately, things are
getting even harder.
But the fact that I keep goingto therapy I've got to give
(25:17):
myself a pat on the back forthat that's a real big one, and
I'm so glad that I've been ableto do that, because that is
something to build on, that is afoundational block to build a
life worth living, even if itdoesn't feel as though that
dream is possible at the moment,I reckon one day hopefully,
fingers crossed I'm going tolook back and go.
Man, they were the days when Iwas really in the hole.
(25:38):
The walls were closing in.
You know, when I was really inthe hole, you know the walls
were closing in, but, man, Istood tall.
I just was so resilient, justkept going, just kept trucking,
kept going to therapy.
Look at me now.
How amazing is this life thatI've built for myself.
All right, thank you forlistening everybody.
If you're enjoying the show,feel free to like, subscribe,
give it a great rating and youcan share it around with your
(26:00):
mates.
You can follow me on Instagramat elliotttwaters.
A few of you have reached outthis week, which is great.
Thank you very much.
I will do my best to reply.
As you may be aware, my socialcapacity is pretty low, so give
me maybe a couple of days, butI'll get back to you, I promise.
And you can also follow theshow now on Facebook.
(26:20):
Just search the DisregulatedPodcast and the page will come
up.
More content will be posted onthere, moving forward.
So thank everybody forlistening.
I'll see you next time here onthe Disregulated Podcast.
Thank you.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.