July 11, 2025 • 45 mins
** Content warning: This episode discusses suicide, suicidal ideation, and severe mental health crises. Please take care while listening.
In this episode of The Dysregulated Podcast, I unpack my latest therapy session — one that left both my psychologist and I scrambling to try and understand thoughts and feelings that were much more serious than ever before. The stakes couldn't be higher; this was very much a life-or-death scenario.
These looping dark thoughts come from deep within my psyche, much deeper than the usual storm of emotion-fuelled suicidal ideation. This time, it was cold, logical, calculated… and that makes it so much harder to fight. For the first time, I had a clear plan. It felt less like an impulse and more like a grim conclusion my rational mind had come to — and that’s terrifying.
After opening up fully, my psychologist had no choice but to call the NSW mental health line right there in the room. It was confronting but also reassuring to have her there advocating for me. That call has now led to a referral to the Newcastle Community Mental Health Team, with hopes they can triage me properly and maybe even secure an extended inpatient stay to finally sort out these meds.
--
Follow my journey through the chaos of mental illness and the hard-fought lessons learned along the way.
Lived experience is at the heart of this podcast — every episode told through my own lens, with raw honesty and zero filter.
This is a genuine and vulnerable account of how multiple psychological disorders have shaped my past and continue to influence my future.
You can follow me on Instagram: @elliot.t.waters, and the show on Facebook!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
G'day everybody.
My name is Elliot Waters andyou're listening to the
Dysregulated Podcast, as always.
Thank you for tuning in.
So today's episode is the nextin the my Therapy Reflection
series, and you're probablythinking I can hear you saying
it right now, elliot.
What's the story?
Two Therapy Reflectionsepisodes back to back?
What's going on?
(00:30):
Well, I didn't realize this, butI had another appointment
booked three days after theappointment that I spoke about
in the episode previous, myTherapy Reflections 10, fire and
Fury.
Three days later, I had anothertherapy session, but this one
was very, very different to theFire and Fury version.
(00:52):
This was not the same at alland in many ways, was worse, in
the sense that it was moresignificant and it was deeper
and it was very, very sad andmelancholic and there was a lot
of negative emotion.
All right, so just before weget into it, I do want to say
(01:14):
just very quickly that there isa content warning for this
episode particularly.
I will be talking aboutsuicidality, suicidal ideation,
suicide is a big theme of thisepisode.
So if you don't believe that,that's the sort of content you
should be listening to right now, which is more than fair enough
(01:34):
, now's maybe a time to maybegive this episode a skip for now
, but I will say this, I willsay this A lot of you have
probably been thinking, I'd say,elliot, I'm telling you the
last couple of episodes, morethan that, they're all negative.
This podcast is getting evenmore negative than we first
(01:56):
bargained for.
So I want to say this, first off, that the next episode
following this one is aboutwhat's happened today.
It's not a therapy reflectionsepisode, but it's positive.
Guys, I'm telling you, there'sa bit of hope, there's a bit of
hope again, yours truly, I'vegot a bit of, you know, a bit of
a spring in my step.
There is, there has been todaya uh, and it's two days since.
(02:20):
Okay, let's try and get thistimeline going.
Today is two days since theappointment I'm talking about
today, which is three days sincethe appointment, the psychology
appointment I talk about in theFire and Fury episode.
Okay, so there's been a lotgoing on this week, but the next
episode, like I said, ispositive.
(02:41):
Trust me, it's positive, it'sgoing to be great.
So, yes, this episode is notgoing to be particularly
positive, I'll say that rightfrom the outset.
But you know me, I stay true tothe purpose of this show, which
is to be the most open, honest,vulnerable and genuine fair
(03:02):
dinkum podcast on all of theinternet.
This is essentially my journalin many ways, and if I'm going
to do this properly and respectwhat I'm trying to build with
this show, I've got to tell thetruth.
But there is one little thingthat I won't specifically
comment on, and that is method,or my plan.
(03:26):
So, as you may remember, I amprivileged to be on the lived
experience advisory board forthe Every Mind Institute.
Every Mind have done greatthings in the mental health
space, but one of the thingsthat Every Mind has done has
coordinated this program calledMindframe frame, which is all
about how to approach thesesorts of subjects in the media.
(03:48):
Um, really great, world-leadingsort of research, really really
great stuff, and the evidenceis clear that you know just
about under no circumstances inmedia like this that's being
promoted far and wide, and you'dnotice this with how news
(04:09):
articles on suicide isapproached on television as well
.
There's no mention of methodsor plans, and I'm going to be
upholding that pillar of truthand of need here today.
I will not be talking about anymethods or plans, even though,
(04:30):
unfortunately, that hascrystallized for me recently.
But everything else I'll talkabout, but that stuff I can't
because the evidence is clearthat it doesn't do anybody any
good.
If it did do people good tohear those sorts of things I'd
be telling you.
But the evidence is clear andI've seen the papers.
I've read it because I want tomake sure, because obviously I
(04:52):
want this podcast to followthose guidelines.
But the research is very clearthat talking about method and
plans is not helpful for anybody.
So I will be steering clear ofthat level of detail.
But everything else it's gameon.
So, like I said, next episodeis positive, this one not so
(05:13):
much.
So a little talk on suicidalityand myself and how I've always
sort of dealt with it and howit's manifested itself and how
that's changed more recently.
So you know, suicidal ideationis nothing really new to me at
all.
You know, in the past it's beena lot more.
(05:35):
I don't want to say superficial, because you know this stuff is
never superficial, but not asdeep as what I'm about to go
through, how I've been feelingthe last couple of months and in
particular last week or two.
It is different how my thoughtsaround this have changed.
So back in the day, like when Iwas in my teens, my twenties and
(05:59):
stuff.
Something would go wrong.
I'd be late for uni and Icouldn't find a park.
Know like, I'd be late for uniand you know I couldn't find a
park, so I'd be late going intoclass, which which means there'd
be all this social anxiety andI'd be really, really down on
that because, holy geez, that'sgoing to be terrible.
And I'd often think myself badthings always happen to me.
What's the bloody point?
(06:20):
I may as well just kill myselfnow, point.
I may as well just kill myselfnow Now.
I used to think that a lot, butthe good thing was, for 95% of
those thoughts that would pop inquite regularly, I would be
able to push back very quickly,you know, with a logical sort of
sense, saying come on, come on,elliot, it's not that bad.
You know things will be fine.
(06:42):
But again, I don't want to makethis sound like.
You know, during my uni days andearlier and stuff in high
school it was super superficialbecause it wasn't.
You know, when I was 20, Ithink it was 20, I lived in
Tamworth in Northwest New SouthWales on my own.
I moved out for work, for myfirst sort of big career move,
(07:05):
and while I was up there duringmy first year in Tamworth, I did
make an attempt on my lifeAgain.
The way it manifested itselfwas different, not the same as
how I've been thinking lately Alot more impulsive as well and
driven by emotion.
It was driven by a lot ofalcohol as well.
(07:26):
I won't go into too much detailnow, but what I'm trying to say
is, although maybe previously mythoughts around suicide and if
it's worth living was a bit more, I think these things on a whim
almost.
You know something goes wrong.
Automate thought kill myselfstraight away.
Automate response to that iscome on, elliot, don't be silly,
(07:48):
let's proceed with the day Now.
Look, nobody should be thinkingany of those thoughts ever.
It doesn't matter howsuperficial theoretically this
was.
For me these are signs from wayback that things are not right.
You know that my wiring is allmessed up because the idea isn't
that your brain cannibalizesitself and tries to ruin itself.
(08:09):
That's not the deal.
But for some people,unfortunately and there'll be a
few of us nodding, I'd say, atthis that's sort of what it's
like.
Our brains are working againstourselves and trying to do what
it can to take itself out.
It's crazy stuff, crazy stuff.
So these warning signs werethere from a young age.
But what is more worrying is theway I've been thinking about
(08:33):
this stuff the last couple ofweeks, even months, last couple
of months too.
It's a lot deeper.
It's like okay, what is theactual point of doing all this,
I asked myself, and the problemis I haven't been able to answer
that question with any greatdeal of confidence or positivity
for a fair while now, because Ialways lean back on things and
(08:57):
you'll hear me say I think ohyeah, sally, we know, but it's
true.
I'll say what the hell is thepoint of going through all this
suffering when I don't have apartner, a wife, I don't have
children, I don't have my ownhouse, I live with mommy and
daddy, I've got no money, I'm ina job that I can't stand.
My physical health isn't amazing, but my mental health in
(09:17):
particular is shot to pieces.
I'm completely burned out and Idon't see my reality changing
all that much for the better.
Moving forward, I can only seemore of the same and worse.
And that has been a hard sortof you know, question to try and
push back against.
Because unfortunately, morerecently, you know, in the last
(09:40):
12, 18 months, maybe even longer, but as I've gotten older, in
the last 12, 18 months, maybeeven longer, but as I've gotten
older, it's my logical side thatI'm sure is biased by one to
(10:03):
push back against the emotionalstuff, the negative emotions,
saying come on, there's reasonslike this, this and this, to
keep going, things will getbetter and there's evidence for
this.
Blah, blah, blah.
The problem is, more recently,my logical side of my brain has
come to the conclusion that, youknow what, maybe the emotional
side is actually right on a fewthings.
(10:24):
It's like, yeah, there is goodreason to feel pretty bad about
things because life isn't goingthe way that we sort of planned.
You know, things are shit, thisis a shit life.
You know, like, looking at itas logically as possible, it
says to me, the wise mind, theself that's supposedly in the
center of the emotional andlogical mind, it says to the
(10:44):
self, to me, the wise mind, theself that's supposedly in the
center of the emotional andlogical mind, it says to the
self, to me, to my wise mind,it's like look, to be honest
with you, old mate's got a fewgood arguments there.
There is no wife, there is nochildren, blah, blah, blah, blah
, and the longer that this isdragged on, for the older that
I've got, the stronger thesethoughts have gotten, and you'd
(11:05):
know that from listening to thepodcast.
Um, you know, there there's beenan uptick, especially lately,
about things.
Um, you know, and I've reallysort of hit my limit as far as
how burnt out I am and howfatigued I am, um, but also my
limit to how much effort I canput into pushing back against
these negative thoughts.
(11:25):
I'm starting to come around toaccepting my fate, and that's
not good, because the way Ibelieve and think of these
things is this is how it's goingto be.
I don't want a part of it.
This is just suffering for noreason.
Why am I suffering?
For what's the point?
If I've got no hope that thingswill improve and I truly
believe that, well then we're inbig trouble.
(11:45):
Let me tell you the last couplereason.
Why am I suffering?
For what's the point?
If I've got no hope that thingswill improve and I truly
believe that, well then we're inbig trouble.
And let me tell you the lastcouple of days in particular.
This has been building formonths, for years, but the last
couple of days I've been on zero.
So there was fire and fury.
That was a very frustrated andangry although not aggressive in
(12:05):
in that sense, um, but angry atthe world.
Um, elliot, you know imaginingthat that cloud and just sort of
yelling and pointing fingers,giving it the finger, you know,
swearing, carrying on.
Um, that was a different elliotto the one that went to therapy
two days ago.
This version of me was notstimmed up on Vyvanse,
(12:28):
dexamphetamine I'd had none ofthat, I hadn't had much caffeine
at all, so I wasn't all stimmedup.
I'd actually slept better,which meant I was thinking
clearer, although it doesn'tmatter, because when I talk
about fatigue and being burnedout, this is the sort of stuff
that sleep, a good night's sleep, doesn't fix this.
This is too deep, you know.
This stuff goes right to thebones.
(12:49):
But of course having poor sleep, you know, adds to the overall
load, which is what the fire andfury is about.
But this one was more measured.
Now I went into this therapysession and I knew it was going
to be different, because I justdidn't have the energy.
You know I couldn't be.
You know I didn't have thatpush back against the world
(13:09):
saying, nah, screw you, Ideserve good things, this is
what's going to happen.
I didn't have any of that.
What I had, though, was a lotof acceptance and a lot of
sadness, melancholy, you know, alot of depression and negative
emotion.
There wasn't, I wasn't fired up, there was no energy.
You know, I was slumped.
You know, like the other day,when I walked in the therapy and
(13:30):
sat down, I was, you know,tapping my legs, tapping my
hands.
You know, I couldn't stoptalking.
I just kept, you know, verbaldiarrhea about how terrible my
life is, and you know, goingthrough those loops over and
over again.
You know.
I walked in this time, and Isaid to my psychologist I said,
look, this is the other side ofthe coin, the other end of the
extreme, because I'll tell youright now, I've got nothing.
(13:52):
I've got nothing.
I said, and she goes all right,well, let's see what we can
work with here.
So I sat down, and there was notapping me foot, there was no
flicking fingers and stuff fullof energy.
Um, I was very deflated.
I sank into the lounge.
I even thought, you know, geez,this feels deeper today.
You know the normal.
(14:16):
It felt like I sunk in.
I wasn't going to be able toget back out cause I didn't have
the energy, um, you know,shoulders hunched, um, making
zero eye contact, uh, a lotsofter, and needing prompting to
say something, whereas,obviously, fire and Fury, I was
getting prompted to stop talkingand still going straight
through those prompts andyabbering on.
(14:37):
So this was a very different,elliot, but this was worse
because they didn't have thatspark, even though it was a
little bit destructive duringFire and Fury.
This time there was no spark,there was just acceptance.
And I'd been thinking a lotabout this acceptance thing
(14:59):
since that Fire and Furyappointment and I'd come to some
pretty bad conclusions.
So I spoke before aboutsuicidality and how it was
compared to now.
It felt more superficial.
Well, now I should probablyexplain the other side of that,
how it feels like now.
And the thing that's reallyworried me the last couple of
(15:23):
days this has really got acuteand this has scared me is
because there's now detailaround this.
As I said, I'm not goingthrough methods, I'm not going
through plans, because thatdoesn't help anybody, but the
fact is, for the first timethere's been clear method and
plans, very clear.
(15:44):
I know exactly how I do it andI can see myself doing it
because, obsessively, it's all Icould think about for, you know
, five days or whatever it was,over and over again, I was like,
right, we've got the plan,we've got the plan, are we going
to do it?
Are we going to do it?
And constantly I'm to-ing andfro-ing Are we going to go all
the way, or should we give it achance?
Or what's the story?
Um, so I, I went into thistherapy session with that, all
(16:12):
you know, with me, you know,going all around my head, um,
and it was, it's heavy stuff,man, you know, like, seeing your
own demise and knowing how itwould happen, how it would all
play out, that's scary.
That's scary and that is asheavy as anything I've ever gone
through.
Um, you know, like, even thelast couple of months, I've
always had this vague idea ofwhat would probably happen, but
(16:34):
it was never as specific as whatit has been the last week.
Very specific, I can see ithappening.
I know exactly how I would doit, and that scares the crap out
of me.
And what scares the crap out ofme more than that is the fact
that my logical mind was likeyou know what?
I don't know.
I reckon this could be the wayforward.
What's the point of sufferingso much when nothing good's
(16:59):
going to happen.
Elliot, you're not getting yourwife, you're not getting your
children, you're not going toget your own home, you're not
even going to have a goodretirement.
Because one of the things I'vebeen thinking about is
withdrawing some money from mysuperannuation fund, which is
meant to fund your retirementhere in Australia, and use it
(17:22):
because you're allowed to, undercompassionate grounds, to
withdraw money and use it to payfor therapy and hospitalization
, stuff like this.
So I've been obsessivelythinking as well about how, if I
do that, even if it fixes mymental health temporarily and
helps, I've ruined my retirementand I'll have to work till the
day I die.
(17:42):
So I'm just thinking this sortof stuff just constantly and I'm
debating with myself.
I'm like well, look, I don'tknow, I can't push back against
this.
Logically, to me this seems spoton.
This is the reality that I'vebeen dealt with.
This is how it's going to be.
It sucks, but there's winnersand there's losers and, elliot,
(18:03):
you seem to be a loser and Idon't think there's a way out of
this.
Yeah, you know, a decisionneeds to be made.
We want to put up with thisgarbage, this pain, this turmoil
, knowing that nothing good'sgoing to happen anyway?
That's a tough question toanswer.
When your logical mind ispushing that sort of way of
(18:24):
thinking, you know it's onething for your emotions to flood
in, you know, and you can't youcalm down and you look back.
Oh, you know I was allemotional this but not when your
logical brain's pushing it.
That's scary.
That's scary, let me tell you,and that's never happened this
clearly before.
Where there's a plan, there's amethod, you know, there's a
clear acceptance of my fate.
(18:44):
That, I believe, is clear, thatnothing good's coming my way,
um, and it's.
It's a terrible, terrible way offeeling constantly debating
because you know, you know meOCD, these obsessive thoughts
constantly.
I'm, on one hand, I do all thisstuff like at the same time
it's unbelievable that my braindoesn't just explode.
But you know like I'm havingvisions of, you know, some
(19:07):
pretty, pretty scary stuff,while I'm debating whether you
know I should go through withthis or not, and then, at the
same time, I'm worried becauseyou know I'm in a conversation
with somebody, I'm notconcentrating and making eye
contact.
You know all the usual stuff.
That's all there as well.
It's all happening at the sametime and you can imagine
somebody who's got no energyleft, completely fatigued,
(19:30):
burnout.
You know it's pretty hard, it'spretty hard.
So, anyway, I went into mytherapy session knowing all of
this and battling all of this,and I was very defeated and I
sat down in the lounge, feltlike I was sinking into it and
that life was just going toswallow me up.
And I knew, you know, I didn'tgo in there with a plan.
(19:50):
Often I'll go into therapy andI've got a bit of a plan what I
want to talk about.
But today there was no plan,but I knew where it would go and
I was sort of just, you know,again, I was just resigned to
the fact that this is going tobe fun, another great therapy
session, more negativity, butit's got to be done and it had
to be done.
So I went in there, sat down andmy psychologist yeah, said how
(20:13):
things were and I said you know,this is going to be the polar
opposite of the previous therapyappointment that we've had
there's no fire and fury.
This time there's resignationthat my life is a complete mess
and it's never going to get anybetter and that I don't have the
tools or the ability or thestrength or the skill set to
improve my way of living andthat I'm a loser.
(20:35):
So I was repeating that again,like I was the other couple of
therapy sessions I've had lately.
That keeps coming up, but I wassaying it in such a defeated
way.
Yeah, like I said, my shoulderswere rounded, I was making zero
eye contact, I was talkingsofter and she had to ask more
probing questions to get metalking.
(20:55):
But, as I sort of expected,because I walked in there and
there was this pressure, thesame pressure, but just building
, building, and I knew it wasgoing to manifest itself
differently this time it wasn'tgoing to be the fire and fury,
but I knew it was still going tomanifest itself and I knew it
wouldn't take much and it wasall going to come out.
And you know that's exactlywhat happened.
(21:16):
You know she said how have youbeen since our last therapy
session, a couple of days beforeAn innocuous question, and I
said I'll be honest with you,really, really bad.
And I said I've been thinkingsome bad things about the
capital S word suicidality andsuicide, and I've been thinking
(21:37):
about it a lot obsessively andI'm scared because I'm not
coming up with a way to pushback against this.
I don't know what to do.
My logical mind seems to be inagreeance with my emotional mind
.
This is scary.
And she said have you made aplan about this sort of stuff?
I said this is the other thingthat scares me, because I think
(22:00):
I said earlier in the episode,I've always had this general
idea of, if I was ever to do it,what it would probably look
like.
But the way of thinking changedfrom what it would probably
look like to this is how it willgo.
And if I do it, this is how itwill be.
And I said that, yeah, this wassomething that had developed
over the last week, two weeks,maybe three weeks as well, but
(22:21):
certainly the week that has justgone.
I said this is new territoryfor me.
Suicidal ideation is not new.
These sorts of thoughtsquestioning whether life's worth
the sacrifice and the sufferingto continue, this is nothing
new.
But the way that I've beenthinking about it from the angle
(22:42):
of my logical mind, that'sscary.
And the detail I have aroundmethods and plans, that's even
scarier.
I said this is I'm right at theprecipice.
This is it.
If I can just convince thatlittle spark of hope that I've
got that there is no hope, andit may as well stuff itself out
(23:04):
now.
I said to her look, we're goingahead with this.
This is scary, but that's whereI'm at.
This is how bad things have gotUm.
And then she said um, you know,and she said some great things
and I sort of I wasn't emotionalor anything, and that's the
other thing else I was.
I was very, very, um measuredin how I said all these things,
(23:25):
um, which scared her a littlebit.
She said there's definitelybeen a shift here and this is
something we need to address andaddress.
We did so.
What she did was ring, on mybehalf, the New South Wales
Mental Health Line.
So this was 15 minutes into thesession because I thought, oh,
we're going to ring the MentalHealth Line, we'll be on hold
forever.
I can't afford to pay for adouble appointment.
(23:48):
How's this going to work?
But I remember looking over andthinking right, we've got 45
minutes.
That's pretty good, becausewhat's the golden rules around
psychotherapy and with clientsand patients and full disclosure
and all that sort of stuff?
And it is, and I can't believeI completely forgot this.
It's never occurred to me butif the client or patient says
(24:12):
things that would suggest thereare danger to themselves or to
other people, the relevantauthorities must be alerted.
So she said, elliot, I'm justgoing to stop you there just
quickly.
I'm just letting you know thatI have to let the relevant
authorities know what has justbeen said and what's going on.
I want to do this together andyou know let's do this together
(24:33):
and try and get a result hereand so, which was great.
But I didn't even think when Isaid this.
I had no idea, no clue, eventhough I've done an honours
degree in psychology and Ilearnt this at uni, around the
ethics, around all this sort ofstuff.
I've done heaps of work on it.
At no point did I apply it tomy own situation and think, oh,
if I say these things, she'sgoing to have to act.
(24:55):
But I'm glad that that is whathappened.
I'm glad that proviso, thatprovision, is in place and
because I needed her to seeeverything but then also be a
part of this process with theNew South Wales mental health
team.
We know I'm at war at the momentwith the health system, the
mental health system here in NewSouth Wales.
(25:16):
I sort of said that jokingly,but I sort of not as well, I
haven't been able to come upwith some very good results and
I've been trying.
I believe pretty hard forsomebody who cannot stand phone
calls and isn't a very goodadvocate for themselves, and
I've been trying.
I believe pretty hard forsomebody who cannot stand phone
calls and isn't a very goodadvocate for themselves.
I've been trying really hard totry and get some help and it
hasn't been forthcoming.
So I was happy that mypsychologist was making this
(25:37):
phone call because then shecould either see firsthand how I
get you know mucked around orshe can say the magic words that
somehow make this all happenand get the wheels turning,
which is what I'm so desperatelywanting to happen, which
thankfully today it appears mayhave happened.
Um, but that's for the nextepisode.
(25:58):
So she rang and we went throughyou know all again and you know
what's your name.
So I said yeah, she.
She rang, sorry and spoke andsaid I'm calling on behalf of my
client, elliot Waters.
I'm so-and-so psychologist.
And eventually you know justsome questions were said to her
quickly about our conversation,how much time we had.
And then it went back to me andI got frustrated at this point
(26:19):
because you know like so what'syour name?
I said Elliot Waters.
What's your address.
I said my address, you knowwhat's your date of birth.
I was like 25th of 10th, 1990,34 years young.
And I thought, right, surelythey've got all these referrals
from GPs, from psychologists,all my history in the system,
(26:40):
over a decade of being a part ofthis system.
Surely it just pre-fills nowEverything, all the forms, all
the sections are pre-fills and Idon't have to go through
everything again.
But no, what medications areyou on?
Or what medication are you on?
I was like it's not medication,it's medications.
So I went through all the sevenmeds or whatever there is, and
(27:03):
then you know what diagnoses,what disorders or diagnoses have
you got?
And I said, well, again, it'smore than one, there's seven or
eight of them too.
I went through that and therewere general questions about how
I was feeling in that moment,all this sort of stuff, and I
tried to stay as level-headedand as calm as I could and I did
a pretty good job of it.
(27:23):
If this was the other day,during the fire and Fury
appointment, I would have beenabsolutely tearing shreds off
this operator, who doesn'tdeserve that.
They're just doing their job.
But I was getting veryfrustrated because I'm sick to
death of telling the samedetails to the same systems that
have done nothing for me.
And I'm sick of telling themover and over and going through
(27:45):
all the details again, which Idon't always enjoy rehashing
these things, because it's notpositive stuff, you know, this
is negative stuff.
I don't quite like remindingmyself constantly of all the
different disorders I've got,because you know it's not a good
thing, it's ruining my life.
I don't really want to keephaving to go through this.
Can't they just, you know, readbetween the lines a little bit
(28:06):
and do a bit of research beforethey get to me?
But anyway, whatever, I didwhat I had to do.
And then they said all right,elliot, we're going to refer you
on to the Newcastle communitymental health team, the acute
care team.
They'll, you know, I'vereferred you to them, they'll
give you a call and we'll talkabout the steps moving forward.
And I was like I said, mate,I've been referred to the acute
(28:28):
care team, the Newcastlecommunity team, that many times
and they don't ring me.
I was at the MARTA three weeksago.
I was referred then at theemergency department.
They referred me on and I'veheard nothing.
So I was like, look, I'm notgoing to hold my breath.
My psychologist went in a batfor me and said you know how, in
her opinion, this is gettingbeyond like yeah, this is high
(28:55):
risk right now.
There's no mucking around here.
She's seen a sudden shift and asignificant shift in the way
that I'm speaking and the waythat I present and she's very,
very concerned.
That was validating, but alsoscary as well, because it's like
, oh geez, you know this is realand made that point very clear.
And he said you know, if thingsget worse, of course go back to
the MARTA, the emergencydepartment, and they'll do what
(29:15):
they do, which you know, beingthere, done that, I wasn't too
keen on going back to the MARTA,but at this point, you know,
the floodgates had opened andI'd said how bad bad things are
and how difficult it is to pushback and how much logic there
seems to be to this way ofthinking that it's not worth it
and things aren't going tochange.
(29:35):
And I sort of went through alittle bit about, you know,
those looping thoughts again,you know, and produced this was
after the phone call ended, justat the end of my session and
produced that as sort ofevidence as to show as to where
my logical way of thinking, inmy belief, has come from.
And I said to my psychologist Isaid doesn't that sound?
Doesn't that make sense?
What I'm saying, like, does itmake sense logically?
(29:57):
Like you can see the logic inwhere I'm coming from, can't you
?
And her response was that at nopoint ever is it logical to
have these thoughts about youknow committing suicide and, and
you know, ending things and nothaving hope.
When we're in therapy together,and we've had hope over the last
couple of weeks, it's just sortof tailed off as as as I've
(30:18):
gone through this real roughspot.
But she's like you know, youknow, we know we've had some
great achievements in here andand up until recently things
were tracking so well and youknow, you know things can turn
around and but even now Icouldn't really, you know, I
couldn't really take that all in.
I was like no, I don't know, Idon't know, I reckon, I reckon
what I'm thinking is bang on.
(30:38):
But she was very firm in sayingthat there's no logic to what I
was thinking and that did makeme think.
I was like geez, you know, iswhat I'm thinking true, or is
this?
You know, then, my borderlineis psychotic.
What's the truth, you knowwhat's even real.
But anyway, we ended the therapysession.
So there was a lot of yeah, sothere was a lot less talking
(30:59):
from me.
We rang the mental health line,which was great, but I
presented in a very differentway, but in a lot more ways, a
lot more serious, um, because my, my thinking was very final, um
, and I did repeat a lot thatI've come to this logical
conclusion that things are notgoing to improve and that's just
the way it is and I've got todeal with it.
(31:20):
And the way I'm going to dealwith it is to potentially carry
out, um, a certain idea thatI've got, because I do not
believe the suffering of thislife, of this shit life that
I've got, I don't believe it'sworth it.
If things aren't going to everimprove, it's not worth it.
And I eventually was talkeddown from that spot a little bit
(31:42):
.
But even when I left thatsession, it was a pretty strong
way of thinking that I had andour plan was that if I was to
get any worse, any worsewhatsoever, and the expectation
was that maybe I would, thatafternoon that I would go to the
martyr.
That was the idea, if thesethoughts come back, and they
were just as strong or if not alittle bit stronger, and I was
(32:05):
really buried under the weightof what these words meant and
what I was suggesting to myself,which I was.
I was completely buried, um andcause I'm so burnt out.
You know, I didn't have theenergy, um, without being on
Vyvanse or Dexamphetamine, Ihaven't heaps of caffeine, I
didn't have the energy to beable to push back Um.
So the plan was I was gonna.
(32:26):
I thought I said to her, I saidI'll probably go to the martyr.
This isn't going to be bettertoday.
I don't think I think I need togo up there and and you know
who knows what happens.
But in the end I got home.
She was going to ring me atfive o'clock this was about
three o'clock in the afternoon.
She was going to ring me to seehow I was going, essentially to
see if I'd gone to the martyrand to get me there.
(32:46):
That was our plan.
But I did send a sneak emailbecause my social capacity is
zero and I just could not bringmyself.
No way I was going to beanswering this phone call.
No way.
I didn't care who was ringingme.
There was no way I had thecapacity to make that phone call
and answer and come up withsome sort of legible, sort of
(33:08):
vocab or anything make sense inmy thoughts.
I was way too fried, way toocooked, I had no energy.
So I sent an email, which I lovedoing I love sending emails
because that's actually a loteasier for my social anxiety and
I said look, I'm super tired, Ineed to sleep.
And I was completely wrecked.
I said I'm going to sleep.
I think that's the best thingfor me to do right now is to
(33:30):
have a sleep, have a goodnight's sleep, and wake up
tomorrow and try and get to work, which was a 5am start, which
has been brutal again, carryingthis sort of load around with
5am starts, my goodness.
Anyway, I'll give myself credit, I'm a tough bastard, I'm one
tough bugger.
But I said to her my plan is tosleep, try and get to work
(33:54):
tomorrow and then hopefully Ican sort of work my way out of
it, you know, spend some timewith my work colleagues and just
sort of really focus on workand maybe just straighten things
out a little bit, which ispretty much what happened,
although it's been hard, youknow, constantly the last two,
three days since thatappointment.
You know, it's been prettyconstant and, like I said, the
(34:17):
fact that there was a method anda plan and I could see it and I
can see it and I can see how itwould go, you know, like that's
pretty bad.
And the other thing too, whichshows the severity of this
situation is I, even after thefire and fury episode, when I
got home I sort of calmed down abit, but again the depression
was just as strong, it was justmanifesting itself in a
different way.
With the help of chat GPT, Iactually wrote a bit of my own
(34:39):
eulogy, which I don't know, isthat the saddest thing ever or
what?
So I wrote parts of my owneulogy because, you know, you
hear at funerals all the timeand on the TV when celebrities
die and stuff, and you hear thisall the time in the community,
you know, if only so-and-so knewhow much we cared for him and
how much everyone cared for himor her, you know, and how much
(35:00):
you know we're all backing him.
And I wish I could have saidthis.
If I had my chance over, Iwould have said this.
I could have said this If I hadmy chance over, I would have
said this.
So, you know, the last couple ofdays I've been in a way
convincing myself that, uh, Idon't know, ending it all is the
way to go about things.
That's the argument that's beenI've been wrestling with in my
(35:21):
mind.
That started to sort of, youknow, sound like the right idea.
So I thought to myself that'sreally sad, obviously, and
there's been a lot of sadness,no tears but I've been, you know
, pretty blue about this stuffbecause, you know, feeling like
I've let down my inner child andhow my inner child deserved
better and how me I'm a goodperson.
I have tried to help otherpeople.
(35:42):
I deserve better.
Why can't I love somebody andhave children and blah, all that
sort of stuff?
So I felt pretty sad for myself, like more objectively, and so
I come up with this idea, withthe help of Chat Cheaper Tea, to
write my own eulogy.
And so I did.
I wrote sort of the introductionand I wrote some bullet points
(36:02):
of what I would say in the restof it, and I'll probably read it
out eventually when I can sortof, you know, face up to it,
because it's all a bit raw atthe moment, but it was pretty
sad, but it was lovely as well,it's like, yeah, this, this
Elliot guy, man, how tough washe to put up with that for so
long and just keep on trucking.
You know, you know Elliot hadso much potential, you know, and
(36:25):
, and there's a lot of, if onlyhe got the help that he needed,
you know.
But so many people seem to lovehim and you know, and, and
there's a lot of, if only he gotthe help that he needed, you
know, but so many people seem tolove him and you know he's done
, he did so many great thingsand have has, I don't know, I
guess, touched so many people inwonderful ways, I guess, and
you know, he's such a passionatenewcastle night supporter but
had all this passion, this drive, you know, like there's no one
(36:48):
been like him ever before andnever will be.
You know, and this was stuff Iwas writing about, how great
this Elliot was.
I was like whoa, you know, thisis pretty heavy.
You know, this is the stuffthat I would love to hear and
I'm doing it to myself.
You know, and this is.
It was a really, you know,special moment me with me.
You know, and it reinforcedlike come on, elliot, there's
(37:09):
got to be a really, you know,special moment me with me, you
know, and it reinforced, like,come on, it's got to be a way.
It's got to be a way that wecan not go through with this
plan and come out the other sidebecause, you know, like this
Elliot that I'm writing about,he's a pretty good bloke, he's
done some great things and I'lltell you if he can just get
through.
There's a lot of great thingscoming, anyway.
So that was very emotional.
(37:31):
So I also said that to mypsychologist as well and she was
like you know, that's again,that's a big sign.
You know, it's very typical ofyou, elliot, in the way you
think.
You know, you think so deeplyabout these things, you're so
emotional.
But also, so you know, there'sthere's this, this other sort of
level of fixation that is a bitmore, um, I guess, objective,
(37:53):
and you know I'm able to sort ofdo things objectively for the
self.
I've always been pretty good atthat and I guess writing my own
eulogy is another example ofthat.
Um.
So, yeah, so I left thatappointment, I was flat, I was
dead, and I just went back backhome and I just went to sleep.
I went to sleep, wrote thisemail and then went to sleep.
And then, yeah, the last twodays since that appointment, you
(38:15):
know I've been thinking a lotof stuff, but you know I've been
, I've been trying to.
It's been sunny weather whichhas helped, you know I've been
focusing on my work, even thoughit's you know, I don't gain
much satisfaction from it.
But I've been trying.
I've been trying to be ashelpful and nice to customers as
I can be and, I don't know, puta smile on my dial and try and
fake it till I make it.
But let me tell you it has beentough.
(38:37):
These last two days have beenreally tough because that really
deep, depressing, final way ofthinking, it's constantly
swirling.
It's there Even if I'm notlooking at it directly because
I'm focusing on something atwork.
It is swirling and there's somuch of my subconscious devoted
(38:58):
to this should we or should wenot, sort of thing?
And it's really.
It's getting hard, guys.
It's getting really hard.
But the good news is today,today, something good happened
and that little flicker of hopeis burning that little bit
brighter.
So let me tell you I neededthis, I needed a win, god, I
(39:20):
needed a win Now.
I didn't think it was going tocome, but the mental health
community team, the Newcastlemental health team at James
Fletcher where IJMU is.
That's where all these sorts ofpsychiatrists and stuff are as
well.
I got a phone call from one ofthe mental health workers there.
They actually tried to call methe last two days but I haven't
(39:43):
been able to answer because,again, my social capacity is
just on zero and I know it's animportant phone call but I've
just have not had the oomph todo it because I've also haven't
had Vyvanse or dexamphetamine.
I got that script today, sothat allowed me to be able to
have the social capacity toanswer this phone call or make
the phone call in the end.
Um, cause I kept ringing duringwork, um, which is hard, um.
(40:11):
But I rang him after work today, 1.30.
I finished, I rang him and Isaid look, it's Elliot Waters
here.
You've been trying to ring me.
I've been trying to answer,trust me, but now I'm able to
talk.
What have you got for me?
And let me tell you, today'sconversation was, oh man, it was
good, it was great, it was oneof the best I've ever had.
It was, you know, I've got thishope is you know, don't get me
(40:31):
wrong like where I'm still, youknow battling.
You know I'm about to go tosleep now.
I'm about to go to bed and whenI put my head on the pillow I'm
going to be thinking that toingand froing, should we, should
we not thing that's going to bethere?
But there's a lot more evidencejust from today that suggests
maybe we should hold on a bitlonger and see how things
develop, because this phone calltoday was very, very promising
(40:55):
and I'm going to tell you allabout it in the next episode.
Very promising.
This could be a turning point.
Even if it's not, this is stilla win, even if it's a small win
and it doesn't grow from here,although I think it's going to.
I not, this is still a win,even if it's a small win, um,
and it doesn't grow from here,although I think it's going to.
I think this is a good one, um,but I needed this so bad.
I'm so glad I got it and Ican't wait to tell you all about
(41:17):
it in the next episode, becauseit does deserve its own episode
, because this could be I'mtelling you, this could be the
moment, and I want to make itclear how important this was
today and how it's turned my youknow way of thinking, not
upside down.
Like I said, I'm still thinkingthose dark thoughts, they're
swirling, but all of a suddenI've got that extra oomph, that
(41:40):
pushback, and there's a slightspring in my step because
there's a bit of hope.
Maybe, just maybe, there's abit more of this story to be
written and let me tell you I'mgoing to tell you every detail
here on the Dysregulated podcast.
All right, that's enough fromme.
Thank you for listeningeverybody.
I do appreciate it.
You have no idea how importantyou guys are to me, like
(42:03):
seriously, when I think aboutreasons to keep pressing on.
You guys are a huge part inthis podcast as well as a huge
part of me pushing back againstsome of those negative thoughts
and I cannot thank you enoughfor your support If you're going
through some difficult timesyourself.
Unfortunately, what I'm findingand have found over the course
(42:24):
of this podcast and doing mypresentations for Black Dog and
going around the state andpresenting around the country
and stuff, a lot of people seemto think similar to me, maybe
not the same.
My fixations get pretty definedand it's pretty unique to me,
but at the same time, thefundamentals I'm telling you
we're all the same and we allthink the same things, or at
(42:46):
least very similar things, and Iknow there'll be a few of you
listening who'll be thinkingwhile listening to this episode
here today and maybe some of theother therapy reflections and
some of the other episodes Holydooly, that's me.
I am so thankful, on one hand,that someone else feels like I
do, but, man, it's so hard, it'sso hard.
(43:10):
All I can say is well, not allI can say.
There's a lot I can say, butwhat I want to say now is that,
if you are feeling like you'reanswering that question and it's
not the good answer that wewant, which is to press on
please reach out to me onInstagram or on Facebook.
So Instagram at elliotttwatersor on Facebook, search for the
Dysregulated Podcast Morepodcast content coming soon.
(43:32):
As you know, my social capacityis very, very limited, so if you
message me, I may not replystraight away.
It may be a day or two.
I apologize in advance, buttrust me, if you feel like
there's no one to turn to, maybeyou've found some comfort
listening to my voice andlistening to my story.
By all means, reach outdirectly and we'll see what's
(43:56):
going on.
As I said, my social capacityis very stretched, so please
don't expect too much from me.
But my goodness, I'm in yourcorner too, 100%.
And if you feel like there's noone in your corner, no one that
gets it, and then you think,hang on, elliot seems to get it,
I'm telling you, reach out tome.
(44:17):
All right, I'll reply, Ipromise.
All right.
Thank you everybody.
Thank you for listening.
I do appreciate it again.
Adhd brain.
I don't know if I've done thisspill yet.
I'm thinking.
I don't think I did.
Either way, if I repeat it,whatever, it's very important.
If you're enjoying the show,feel free to like, subscribe,
give the show a great rating andyou can share it around with
your mates.
And you can follow me onInstagram at elliotttwaters, and
(44:42):
please search for the show onFacebook, the Dysregulated
Podcast.
All right, can't wait for thenext episode.
I promise it's going to be fullof sunshine and rainbows.
I'm feeling bubbly justthinking about it.
All right, thank you guys.
Have a good one and I'll seeyou soon.
Goodbye, thank you.
G'day everybody.
My name is Elliot Waters andyou're listening to the
Dysregulated Podcast, as always.
Thank you for tuning in.
So today's episode is the nextin the my Therapy Reflection
series, and you're probablythinking I can hear you saying
it right now, elliot.
What's the story?
Two Therapy Reflectionsepisodes back to back?
What's going on?
(00:30):
Well, I didn't realize this, butI had another appointment
booked three days after theappointment that I spoke about
in the episode previous, myTherapy Reflections 10, fire and
Fury.
Three days later, I had anothertherapy session, but this one
was very, very different to theFire and Fury version.
(00:52):
This was not the same at alland in many ways, was worse, in
the sense that it was moresignificant and it was deeper
and it was very, very sad andmelancholic and there was a lot
of negative emotion.
All right, so just before weget into it, I do want to say
(01:14):
just very quickly that there isa content warning for this
episode particularly.
I will be talking aboutsuicidality, suicidal ideation,
suicide is a big theme of thisepisode.
So if you don't believe that,that's the sort of content you
should be listening to right now, which is more than fair enough
(01:34):
, now's maybe a time to maybegive this episode a skip for now
, but I will say this, I willsay this A lot of you have
probably been thinking, I'd say,elliot, I'm telling you the
last couple of episodes, morethan that, they're all negative.
This podcast is getting evenmore negative than we first
(01:56):
bargained for.
So I want to say this, first off, that the next episode
following this one is aboutwhat's happened today.
It's not a therapy reflectionsepisode, but it's positive.
Guys, I'm telling you, there'sa bit of hope, there's a bit of
hope again, yours truly, I'vegot a bit of, you know, a bit of
a spring in my step.
There is, there has been todaya uh, and it's two days since.
(02:20):
Okay, let's try and get thistimeline going.
Today is two days since theappointment I'm talking about
today, which is three days sincethe appointment, the psychology
appointment I talk about in theFire and Fury episode.
Okay, so there's been a lotgoing on this week, but the next
episode, like I said, ispositive.
(02:41):
Trust me, it's positive, it'sgoing to be great.
So, yes, this episode is notgoing to be particularly
positive, I'll say that rightfrom the outset.
But you know me, I stay true tothe purpose of this show, which
is to be the most open, honest,vulnerable and genuine fair
(03:02):
dinkum podcast on all of theinternet.
This is essentially my journalin many ways, and if I'm going
to do this properly and respectwhat I'm trying to build with
this show, I've got to tell thetruth.
But there is one little thingthat I won't specifically
comment on, and that is method,or my plan.
(03:26):
So, as you may remember, I amprivileged to be on the lived
experience advisory board forthe Every Mind Institute.
Every Mind have done greatthings in the mental health
space, but one of the thingsthat Every Mind has done has
coordinated this program calledMindframe frame, which is all
about how to approach thesesorts of subjects in the media.
(03:48):
Um, really great, world-leadingsort of research, really really
great stuff, and the evidenceis clear that you know just
about under no circumstances inmedia like this that's being
promoted far and wide, and you'dnotice this with how news
(04:09):
articles on suicide isapproached on television as well
.
There's no mention of methodsor plans, and I'm going to be
upholding that pillar of truthand of need here today.
I will not be talking about anymethods or plans, even though,
(04:30):
unfortunately, that hascrystallized for me recently.
But everything else I'll talkabout, but that stuff I can't
because the evidence is clearthat it doesn't do anybody any
good.
If it did do people good tohear those sorts of things I'd
be telling you.
But the evidence is clear andI've seen the papers.
I've read it because I want tomake sure, because obviously I
(04:52):
want this podcast to followthose guidelines.
But the research is very clearthat talking about method and
plans is not helpful for anybody.
So I will be steering clear ofthat level of detail.
But everything else it's gameon.
So, like I said, next episodeis positive, this one not so
(05:13):
much.
So a little talk on suicidalityand myself and how I've always
sort of dealt with it and howit's manifested itself and how
that's changed more recently.
So you know, suicidal ideationis nothing really new to me at
all.
You know, in the past it's beena lot more.
(05:35):
I don't want to say superficial, because you know this stuff is
never superficial, but not asdeep as what I'm about to go
through, how I've been feelingthe last couple of months and in
particular last week or two.
It is different how my thoughtsaround this have changed.
So back in the day, like when Iwas in my teens, my twenties and
(05:59):
stuff.
Something would go wrong.
I'd be late for uni and Icouldn't find a park.
Know like, I'd be late for uniand you know I couldn't find a
park, so I'd be late going intoclass, which which means there'd
be all this social anxiety andI'd be really, really down on
that because, holy geez, that'sgoing to be terrible.
And I'd often think myself badthings always happen to me.
What's the bloody point?
(06:20):
I may as well just kill myselfnow, point.
I may as well just kill myselfnow Now.
I used to think that a lot, butthe good thing was, for 95% of
those thoughts that would pop inquite regularly, I would be
able to push back very quickly,you know, with a logical sort of
sense, saying come on, come on,elliot, it's not that bad.
You know things will be fine.
(06:42):
But again, I don't want to makethis sound like.
You know, during my uni days andearlier and stuff in high
school it was super superficialbecause it wasn't.
You know, when I was 20, Ithink it was 20, I lived in
Tamworth in Northwest New SouthWales on my own.
I moved out for work, for myfirst sort of big career move,
(07:05):
and while I was up there duringmy first year in Tamworth, I did
make an attempt on my lifeAgain.
The way it manifested itselfwas different, not the same as
how I've been thinking lately Alot more impulsive as well and
driven by emotion.
It was driven by a lot ofalcohol as well.
(07:26):
I won't go into too much detailnow, but what I'm trying to say
is, although maybe previously mythoughts around suicide and if
it's worth living was a bit more, I think these things on a whim
almost.
You know something goes wrong.
Automate thought kill myselfstraight away.
Automate response to that iscome on, elliot, don't be silly,
(07:48):
let's proceed with the day Now.
Look, nobody should be thinkingany of those thoughts ever.
It doesn't matter howsuperficial theoretically this
was.
For me these are signs from wayback that things are not right.
You know that my wiring is allmessed up because the idea isn't
that your brain cannibalizesitself and tries to ruin itself.
(08:09):
That's not the deal.
But for some people,unfortunately and there'll be a
few of us nodding, I'd say, atthis that's sort of what it's
like.
Our brains are working againstourselves and trying to do what
it can to take itself out.
It's crazy stuff, crazy stuff.
So these warning signs werethere from a young age.
But what is more worrying is theway I've been thinking about
(08:33):
this stuff the last couple ofweeks, even months, last couple
of months too.
It's a lot deeper.
It's like okay, what is theactual point of doing all this,
I asked myself, and the problemis I haven't been able to answer
that question with any greatdeal of confidence or positivity
for a fair while now, because Ialways lean back on things and
(08:57):
you'll hear me say I think ohyeah, sally, we know, but it's
true.
I'll say what the hell is thepoint of going through all this
suffering when I don't have apartner, a wife, I don't have
children, I don't have my ownhouse, I live with mommy and
daddy, I've got no money, I'm ina job that I can't stand.
My physical health isn't amazing, but my mental health in
(09:17):
particular is shot to pieces.
I'm completely burned out and Idon't see my reality changing
all that much for the better.
Moving forward, I can only seemore of the same and worse.
And that has been a hard sortof you know, question to try and
push back against.
Because unfortunately, morerecently, you know, in the last
(09:40):
12, 18 months, maybe even longer, but as I've gotten older, in
the last 12, 18 months, maybeeven longer, but as I've gotten
older, it's my logical side thatI'm sure is biased by one to
(10:03):
push back against the emotionalstuff, the negative emotions,
saying come on, there's reasonslike this, this and this, to
keep going, things will getbetter and there's evidence for
this.
Blah, blah, blah.
The problem is, more recently,my logical side of my brain has
come to the conclusion that, youknow what, maybe the emotional
side is actually right on a fewthings.
(10:24):
It's like, yeah, there is goodreason to feel pretty bad about
things because life isn't goingthe way that we sort of planned.
You know, things are shit, thisis a shit life.
You know, like, looking at itas logically as possible, it
says to me, the wise mind, theself that's supposedly in the
center of the emotional andlogical mind, it says to the
(10:44):
self, to me, the wise mind, theself that's supposedly in the
center of the emotional andlogical mind, it says to the
self, to me, to my wise mind,it's like look, to be honest
with you, old mate's got a fewgood arguments there.
There is no wife, there is nochildren, blah, blah, blah, blah
, and the longer that this isdragged on, for the older that
I've got, the stronger thesethoughts have gotten, and you'd
(11:05):
know that from listening to thepodcast.
Um, you know, there there's beenan uptick, especially lately,
about things.
Um, you know, and I've reallysort of hit my limit as far as
how burnt out I am and howfatigued I am, um, but also my
limit to how much effort I canput into pushing back against
these negative thoughts.
(11:25):
I'm starting to come around toaccepting my fate, and that's
not good, because the way Ibelieve and think of these
things is this is how it's goingto be.
I don't want a part of it.
This is just suffering for noreason.
Why am I suffering?
For what's the point?
If I've got no hope that thingswill improve and I truly
believe that, well then we're inbig trouble.
(11:45):
Let me tell you the last couplereason.
Why am I suffering?
For what's the point?
If I've got no hope that thingswill improve and I truly
believe that, well then we're inbig trouble.
And let me tell you the lastcouple of days in particular.
This has been building formonths, for years, but the last
couple of days I've been on zero.
So there was fire and fury.
That was a very frustrated andangry although not aggressive in
(12:05):
in that sense, um, but angry atthe world.
Um, elliot, you know imaginingthat that cloud and just sort of
yelling and pointing fingers,giving it the finger, you know,
swearing, carrying on.
Um, that was a different elliotto the one that went to therapy
two days ago.
This version of me was notstimmed up on Vyvanse,
(12:28):
dexamphetamine I'd had none ofthat, I hadn't had much caffeine
at all, so I wasn't all stimmedup.
I'd actually slept better,which meant I was thinking
clearer, although it doesn'tmatter, because when I talk
about fatigue and being burnedout, this is the sort of stuff
that sleep, a good night's sleep, doesn't fix this.
This is too deep, you know.
This stuff goes right to thebones.
(12:49):
But of course having poor sleep, you know, adds to the overall
load, which is what the fire andfury is about.
But this one was more measured.
Now I went into this therapysession and I knew it was going
to be different, because I justdidn't have the energy.
You know I couldn't be.
You know I didn't have thatpush back against the world
(13:09):
saying, nah, screw you, Ideserve good things, this is
what's going to happen.
I didn't have any of that.
What I had, though, was a lotof acceptance and a lot of
sadness, melancholy, you know, alot of depression and negative
emotion.
There wasn't, I wasn't fired up, there was no energy.
You know, I was slumped.
You know, like the other day,when I walked in the therapy and
(13:30):
sat down, I was, you know,tapping my legs, tapping my
hands.
You know, I couldn't stoptalking.
I just kept, you know, verbaldiarrhea about how terrible my
life is, and you know, goingthrough those loops over and
over again.
You know.
I walked in this time, and Isaid to my psychologist I said,
look, this is the other side ofthe coin, the other end of the
extreme, because I'll tell youright now, I've got nothing.
(13:52):
I've got nothing.
I said, and she goes all right,well, let's see what we can
work with here.
So I sat down, and there was notapping me foot, there was no
flicking fingers and stuff fullof energy.
Um, I was very deflated.
I sank into the lounge.
I even thought, you know, geez,this feels deeper today.
You know the normal.
(14:16):
It felt like I sunk in.
I wasn't going to be able toget back out cause I didn't have
the energy, um, you know,shoulders hunched, um, making
zero eye contact, uh, a lotsofter, and needing prompting to
say something, whereas,obviously, fire and Fury, I was
getting prompted to stop talkingand still going straight
through those prompts andyabbering on.
(14:37):
So this was a very different,elliot, but this was worse
because they didn't have thatspark, even though it was a
little bit destructive duringFire and Fury.
This time there was no spark,there was just acceptance.
And I'd been thinking a lotabout this acceptance thing
(14:59):
since that Fire and Furyappointment and I'd come to some
pretty bad conclusions.
So I spoke before aboutsuicidality and how it was
compared to now.
It felt more superficial.
Well, now I should probablyexplain the other side of that,
how it feels like now.
And the thing that's reallyworried me the last couple of
(15:23):
days this has really got acuteand this has scared me is
because there's now detailaround this.
As I said, I'm not goingthrough methods, I'm not going
through plans, because thatdoesn't help anybody, but the
fact is, for the first timethere's been clear method and
plans, very clear.
(15:44):
I know exactly how I do it andI can see myself doing it
because, obsessively, it's all Icould think about for, you know
, five days or whatever it was,over and over again, I was like,
right, we've got the plan,we've got the plan, are we going
to do it?
Are we going to do it?
And constantly I'm to-ing andfro-ing Are we going to go all
the way, or should we give it achance?
Or what's the story?
Um, so I, I went into thistherapy session with that, all
(16:12):
you know, with me, you know,going all around my head, um,
and it was, it's heavy stuff,man, you know, like, seeing your
own demise and knowing how itwould happen, how it would all
play out, that's scary.
That's scary and that is asheavy as anything I've ever gone
through.
Um, you know, like, even thelast couple of months, I've
always had this vague idea ofwhat would probably happen, but
(16:34):
it was never as specific as whatit has been the last week.
Very specific, I can see ithappening.
I know exactly how I would doit, and that scares the crap out
of me.
And what scares the crap out ofme more than that is the fact
that my logical mind was likeyou know what?
I don't know.
I reckon this could be the wayforward.
What's the point of sufferingso much when nothing good's
(16:59):
going to happen.
Elliot, you're not getting yourwife, you're not getting your
children, you're not going toget your own home, you're not
even going to have a goodretirement.
Because one of the things I'vebeen thinking about is
withdrawing some money from mysuperannuation fund, which is
meant to fund your retirementhere in Australia, and use it
(17:22):
because you're allowed to, undercompassionate grounds, to
withdraw money and use it to payfor therapy and hospitalization
, stuff like this.
So I've been obsessivelythinking as well about how, if I
do that, even if it fixes mymental health temporarily and
helps, I've ruined my retirementand I'll have to work till the
day I die.
(17:42):
So I'm just thinking this sortof stuff just constantly and I'm
debating with myself.
I'm like well, look, I don'tknow, I can't push back against
this.
Logically, to me this seems spoton.
This is the reality that I'vebeen dealt with.
This is how it's going to be.
It sucks, but there's winnersand there's losers and, elliot,
(18:03):
you seem to be a loser and Idon't think there's a way out of
this.
Yeah, you know, a decisionneeds to be made.
We want to put up with thisgarbage, this pain, this turmoil
, knowing that nothing good'sgoing to happen anyway?
That's a tough question toanswer.
When your logical mind ispushing that sort of way of
(18:24):
thinking, you know it's onething for your emotions to flood
in, you know, and you can't youcalm down and you look back.
Oh, you know I was allemotional this but not when your
logical brain's pushing it.
That's scary.
That's scary, let me tell you,and that's never happened this
clearly before.
Where there's a plan, there's amethod, you know, there's a
clear acceptance of my fate.
(18:44):
That, I believe, is clear, thatnothing good's coming my way,
um, and it's.
It's a terrible, terrible way offeeling constantly debating
because you know, you know meOCD, these obsessive thoughts
constantly.
I'm, on one hand, I do all thisstuff like at the same time
it's unbelievable that my braindoesn't just explode.
But you know like I'm havingvisions of, you know, some
(19:07):
pretty, pretty scary stuff,while I'm debating whether you
know I should go through withthis or not, and then, at the
same time, I'm worried becauseyou know I'm in a conversation
with somebody, I'm notconcentrating and making eye
contact.
You know all the usual stuff.
That's all there as well.
It's all happening at the sametime and you can imagine
somebody who's got no energyleft, completely fatigued,
(19:30):
burnout.
You know it's pretty hard, it'spretty hard.
So, anyway, I went into mytherapy session knowing all of
this and battling all of this,and I was very defeated and I
sat down in the lounge, feltlike I was sinking into it and
that life was just going toswallow me up.
And I knew, you know, I didn'tgo in there with a plan.
(19:50):
Often I'll go into therapy andI've got a bit of a plan what I
want to talk about.
But today there was no plan,but I knew where it would go and
I was sort of just, you know,again, I was just resigned to
the fact that this is going tobe fun, another great therapy
session, more negativity, butit's got to be done and it had
to be done.
So I went in there, sat down andmy psychologist yeah, said how
(20:13):
things were and I said you know,this is going to be the polar
opposite of the previous therapyappointment that we've had
there's no fire and fury.
This time there's resignationthat my life is a complete mess
and it's never going to get anybetter and that I don't have the
tools or the ability or thestrength or the skill set to
improve my way of living andthat I'm a loser.
(20:35):
So I was repeating that again,like I was the other couple of
therapy sessions I've had lately.
That keeps coming up, but I wassaying it in such a defeated
way.
Yeah, like I said, my shoulderswere rounded, I was making zero
eye contact, I was talkingsofter and she had to ask more
probing questions to get metalking.
(20:55):
But, as I sort of expected,because I walked in there and
there was this pressure, thesame pressure, but just building
, building, and I knew it wasgoing to manifest itself
differently this time it wasn'tgoing to be the fire and fury,
but I knew it was still going tomanifest itself and I knew it
wouldn't take much and it wasall going to come out.
And you know that's exactlywhat happened.
(21:16):
You know she said how have youbeen since our last therapy
session, a couple of days beforeAn innocuous question, and I
said I'll be honest with you,really, really bad.
And I said I've been thinkingsome bad things about the
capital S word suicidality andsuicide, and I've been thinking
(21:37):
about it a lot obsessively andI'm scared because I'm not
coming up with a way to pushback against this.
I don't know what to do.
My logical mind seems to be inagreeance with my emotional mind
.
This is scary.
And she said have you made aplan about this sort of stuff?
I said this is the other thingthat scares me, because I think
(22:00):
I said earlier in the episode,I've always had this general
idea of, if I was ever to do it,what it would probably look
like.
But the way of thinking changedfrom what it would probably
look like to this is how it willgo.
And if I do it, this is how itwill be.
And I said that, yeah, this wassomething that had developed
over the last week, two weeks,maybe three weeks as well, but
(22:21):
certainly the week that has justgone.
I said this is new territoryfor me.
Suicidal ideation is not new.
These sorts of thoughtsquestioning whether life's worth
the sacrifice and the sufferingto continue, this is nothing
new.
But the way that I've beenthinking about it from the angle
(22:42):
of my logical mind, that'sscary.
And the detail I have aroundmethods and plans, that's even
scarier.
I said this is I'm right at theprecipice.
This is it.
If I can just convince thatlittle spark of hope that I've
got that there is no hope, andit may as well stuff itself out
(23:04):
now.
I said to her look, we're goingahead with this.
This is scary, but that's whereI'm at.
This is how bad things have gotUm.
And then she said um, you know,and she said some great things
and I sort of I wasn't emotionalor anything, and that's the
other thing else I was.
I was very, very, um measuredin how I said all these things,
(23:25):
um, which scared her a littlebit.
She said there's definitelybeen a shift here and this is
something we need to address andaddress.
We did so.
What she did was ring, on mybehalf, the New South Wales
Mental Health Line.
So this was 15 minutes into thesession because I thought, oh,
we're going to ring the MentalHealth Line, we'll be on hold
forever.
I can't afford to pay for adouble appointment.
(23:48):
How's this going to work?
But I remember looking over andthinking right, we've got 45
minutes.
That's pretty good, becausewhat's the golden rules around
psychotherapy and with clientsand patients and full disclosure
and all that sort of stuff?
And it is, and I can't believeI completely forgot this.
It's never occurred to me butif the client or patient says
(24:12):
things that would suggest thereare danger to themselves or to
other people, the relevantauthorities must be alerted.
So she said, elliot, I'm justgoing to stop you there just
quickly.
I'm just letting you know thatI have to let the relevant
authorities know what has justbeen said and what's going on.
I want to do this together andyou know let's do this together
(24:33):
and try and get a result hereand so, which was great.
But I didn't even think when Isaid this.
I had no idea, no clue, eventhough I've done an honours
degree in psychology and Ilearnt this at uni, around the
ethics, around all this sort ofstuff.
I've done heaps of work on it.
At no point did I apply it tomy own situation and think, oh,
if I say these things, she'sgoing to have to act.
(24:55):
But I'm glad that that is whathappened.
I'm glad that proviso, thatprovision, is in place and
because I needed her to seeeverything but then also be a
part of this process with theNew South Wales mental health
team.
We know I'm at war at the momentwith the health system, the
mental health system here in NewSouth Wales.
(25:16):
I sort of said that jokingly,but I sort of not as well, I
haven't been able to come upwith some very good results and
I've been trying.
I believe pretty hard forsomebody who cannot stand phone
calls and isn't a very goodadvocate for themselves, and
I've been trying.
I believe pretty hard forsomebody who cannot stand phone
calls and isn't a very goodadvocate for themselves.
I've been trying really hard totry and get some help and it
hasn't been forthcoming.
So I was happy that mypsychologist was making this
(25:37):
phone call because then shecould either see firsthand how I
get you know mucked around orshe can say the magic words that
somehow make this all happenand get the wheels turning,
which is what I'm so desperatelywanting to happen, which
thankfully today it appears mayhave happened.
Um, but that's for the nextepisode.
(25:58):
So she rang and we went throughyou know all again and you know
what's your name.
So I said yeah, she.
She rang, sorry and spoke andsaid I'm calling on behalf of my
client, elliot Waters.
I'm so-and-so psychologist.
And eventually you know justsome questions were said to her
quickly about our conversation,how much time we had.
And then it went back to me andI got frustrated at this point
(26:19):
because you know like so what'syour name?
I said Elliot Waters.
What's your address.
I said my address, you knowwhat's your date of birth.
I was like 25th of 10th, 1990,34 years young.
And I thought, right, surelythey've got all these referrals
from GPs, from psychologists,all my history in the system,
(26:40):
over a decade of being a part ofthis system.
Surely it just pre-fills nowEverything, all the forms, all
the sections are pre-fills and Idon't have to go through
everything again.
But no, what medications areyou on?
Or what medication are you on?
I was like it's not medication,it's medications.
So I went through all the sevenmeds or whatever there is, and
(27:03):
then you know what diagnoses,what disorders or diagnoses have
you got?
And I said, well, again, it'smore than one, there's seven or
eight of them too.
I went through that and therewere general questions about how
I was feeling in that moment,all this sort of stuff, and I
tried to stay as level-headedand as calm as I could and I did
a pretty good job of it.
(27:23):
If this was the other day,during the fire and Fury
appointment, I would have beenabsolutely tearing shreds off
this operator, who doesn'tdeserve that.
They're just doing their job.
But I was getting veryfrustrated because I'm sick to
death of telling the samedetails to the same systems that
have done nothing for me.
And I'm sick of telling themover and over and going through
(27:45):
all the details again, which Idon't always enjoy rehashing
these things, because it's notpositive stuff, you know, this
is negative stuff.
I don't quite like remindingmyself constantly of all the
different disorders I've got,because you know it's not a good
thing, it's ruining my life.
I don't really want to keephaving to go through this.
Can't they just, you know, readbetween the lines a little bit
(28:06):
and do a bit of research beforethey get to me?
But anyway, whatever, I didwhat I had to do.
And then they said all right,elliot, we're going to refer you
on to the Newcastle communitymental health team, the acute
care team.
They'll, you know, I'vereferred you to them, they'll
give you a call and we'll talkabout the steps moving forward.
And I was like I said, mate,I've been referred to the acute
(28:28):
care team, the Newcastlecommunity team, that many times
and they don't ring me.
I was at the MARTA three weeksago.
I was referred then at theemergency department.
They referred me on and I'veheard nothing.
So I was like, look, I'm notgoing to hold my breath.
My psychologist went in a batfor me and said you know how, in
her opinion, this is gettingbeyond like yeah, this is high
(28:55):
risk right now.
There's no mucking around here.
She's seen a sudden shift and asignificant shift in the way
that I'm speaking and the waythat I present and she's very,
very concerned.
That was validating, but alsoscary as well, because it's like
, oh geez, you know this is realand made that point very clear.
And he said you know, if thingsget worse, of course go back to
the MARTA, the emergencydepartment, and they'll do what
(29:15):
they do, which you know, beingthere, done that, I wasn't too
keen on going back to the MARTA,but at this point, you know,
the floodgates had opened andI'd said how bad bad things are
and how difficult it is to pushback and how much logic there
seems to be to this way ofthinking that it's not worth it
and things aren't going tochange.
(29:35):
And I sort of went through alittle bit about, you know,
those looping thoughts again,you know, and produced this was
after the phone call ended, justat the end of my session and
produced that as sort ofevidence as to show as to where
my logical way of thinking, inmy belief, has come from.
And I said to my psychologist Isaid doesn't that sound?
Doesn't that make sense?
What I'm saying, like, does itmake sense logically?
(29:57):
Like you can see the logic inwhere I'm coming from, can't you
?
And her response was that at nopoint ever is it logical to
have these thoughts about youknow committing suicide and, and
you know, ending things and nothaving hope.
When we're in therapy together,and we've had hope over the last
couple of weeks, it's just sortof tailed off as as as I've
(30:18):
gone through this real roughspot.
But she's like you know, youknow, we know we've had some
great achievements in here andand up until recently things
were tracking so well and youknow, you know things can turn
around and but even now Icouldn't really, you know, I
couldn't really take that all in.
I was like no, I don't know, Idon't know, I reckon, I reckon
what I'm thinking is bang on.
(30:38):
But she was very firm in sayingthat there's no logic to what I
was thinking and that did makeme think.
I was like geez, you know, iswhat I'm thinking true, or is
this?
You know, then, my borderlineis psychotic.
What's the truth, you knowwhat's even real.
But anyway, we ended the therapysession.
So there was a lot of yeah, sothere was a lot less talking
(30:59):
from me.
We rang the mental health line,which was great, but I
presented in a very differentway, but in a lot more ways, a
lot more serious, um, because my, my thinking was very final, um
, and I did repeat a lot thatI've come to this logical
conclusion that things are notgoing to improve and that's just
the way it is and I've got todeal with it.
(31:20):
And the way I'm going to dealwith it is to potentially carry
out, um, a certain idea thatI've got, because I do not
believe the suffering of thislife, of this shit life that
I've got, I don't believe it'sworth it.
If things aren't going to everimprove, it's not worth it.
And I eventually was talkeddown from that spot a little bit
(31:42):
.
But even when I left thatsession, it was a pretty strong
way of thinking that I had andour plan was that if I was to
get any worse, any worsewhatsoever, and the expectation
was that maybe I would, thatafternoon that I would go to the
martyr.
That was the idea, if thesethoughts come back, and they
were just as strong or if not alittle bit stronger, and I was
(32:05):
really buried under the weightof what these words meant and
what I was suggesting to myself,which I was.
I was completely buried, um andcause I'm so burnt out.
You know, I didn't have theenergy, um, without being on
Vyvanse or Dexamphetamine, Ihaven't heaps of caffeine, I
didn't have the energy to beable to push back Um.
So the plan was I was gonna.
(32:26):
I thought I said to her, I saidI'll probably go to the martyr.
This isn't going to be bettertoday.
I don't think I think I need togo up there and and you know
who knows what happens.
But in the end I got home.
She was going to ring me atfive o'clock this was about
three o'clock in the afternoon.
She was going to ring me to seehow I was going, essentially to
see if I'd gone to the martyrand to get me there.
(32:46):
That was our plan.
But I did send a sneak emailbecause my social capacity is
zero and I just could not bringmyself.
No way I was going to beanswering this phone call.
No way.
I didn't care who was ringingme.
There was no way I had thecapacity to make that phone call
and answer and come up withsome sort of legible, sort of
(33:08):
vocab or anything make sense inmy thoughts.
I was way too fried, way toocooked, I had no energy.
So I sent an email, which I lovedoing I love sending emails
because that's actually a loteasier for my social anxiety and
I said look, I'm super tired, Ineed to sleep.
And I was completely wrecked.
I said I'm going to sleep.
I think that's the best thingfor me to do right now is to
(33:30):
have a sleep, have a goodnight's sleep, and wake up
tomorrow and try and get to work, which was a 5am start, which
has been brutal again, carryingthis sort of load around with
5am starts, my goodness.
Anyway, I'll give myself credit, I'm a tough bastard, I'm one
tough bugger.
But I said to her my plan is tosleep, try and get to work
(33:54):
tomorrow and then hopefully Ican sort of work my way out of
it, you know, spend some timewith my work colleagues and just
sort of really focus on workand maybe just straighten things
out a little bit, which ispretty much what happened,
although it's been hard, youknow, constantly the last two,
three days since thatappointment.
You know, it's been prettyconstant and, like I said, the
(34:17):
fact that there was a method anda plan and I could see it and I
can see it and I can see how itwould go, you know, like that's
pretty bad.
And the other thing too, whichshows the severity of this
situation is I, even after thefire and fury episode, when I
got home I sort of calmed down abit, but again the depression
was just as strong, it was justmanifesting itself in a
different way.
With the help of chat GPT, Iactually wrote a bit of my own
(34:39):
eulogy, which I don't know, isthat the saddest thing ever or
what?
So I wrote parts of my owneulogy because, you know, you
hear at funerals all the timeand on the TV when celebrities
die and stuff, and you hear thisall the time in the community,
you know, if only so-and-so knewhow much we cared for him and
how much everyone cared for himor her, you know, and how much
(35:00):
you know we're all backing him.
And I wish I could have saidthis.
If I had my chance over, Iwould have said this.
I could have said this If I hadmy chance over, I would have
said this.
So, you know, the last couple ofdays I've been in a way
convincing myself that, uh, Idon't know, ending it all is the
way to go about things.
That's the argument that's beenI've been wrestling with in my
(35:21):
mind.
That started to sort of, youknow, sound like the right idea.
So I thought to myself that'sreally sad, obviously, and
there's been a lot of sadness,no tears but I've been, you know
, pretty blue about this stuffbecause, you know, feeling like
I've let down my inner child andhow my inner child deserved
better and how me I'm a goodperson.
I have tried to help otherpeople.
(35:42):
I deserve better.
Why can't I love somebody andhave children and blah, all that
sort of stuff?
So I felt pretty sad for myself, like more objectively, and so
I come up with this idea, withthe help of Chat Cheaper Tea, to
write my own eulogy.
And so I did.
I wrote sort of the introductionand I wrote some bullet points
(36:02):
of what I would say in the restof it, and I'll probably read it
out eventually when I can sortof, you know, face up to it,
because it's all a bit raw atthe moment, but it was pretty
sad, but it was lovely as well,it's like, yeah, this, this
Elliot guy, man, how tough washe to put up with that for so
long and just keep on trucking.
You know, you know Elliot hadso much potential, you know, and
(36:25):
, and there's a lot of, if onlyhe got the help that he needed,
you know.
But so many people seem to lovehim and you know, and, and
there's a lot of, if only he gotthe help that he needed, you
know, but so many people seem tolove him and you know he's done
, he did so many great thingsand have has, I don't know, I
guess, touched so many people inwonderful ways, I guess, and
you know, he's such a passionatenewcastle night supporter but
had all this passion, this drive, you know, like there's no one
(36:48):
been like him ever before andnever will be.
You know, and this was stuff Iwas writing about, how great
this Elliot was.
I was like whoa, you know, thisis pretty heavy.
You know, this is the stuffthat I would love to hear and
I'm doing it to myself.
You know, and this is.
It was a really, you know,special moment me with me.
You know, and it reinforcedlike come on, elliot, there's
(37:09):
got to be a really, you know,special moment me with me, you
know, and it reinforced, like,come on, it's got to be a way.
It's got to be a way that wecan not go through with this
plan and come out the other sidebecause, you know, like this
Elliot that I'm writing about,he's a pretty good bloke, he's
done some great things and I'lltell you if he can just get
through.
There's a lot of great thingscoming, anyway.
So that was very emotional.
(37:31):
So I also said that to mypsychologist as well and she was
like you know, that's again,that's a big sign.
You know, it's very typical ofyou, elliot, in the way you
think.
You know, you think so deeplyabout these things, you're so
emotional.
But also, so you know, there'sthere's this, this other sort of
level of fixation that is a bitmore, um, I guess, objective,
(37:53):
and you know I'm able to sort ofdo things objectively for the
self.
I've always been pretty good atthat and I guess writing my own
eulogy is another example ofthat.
Um.
So, yeah, so I left thatappointment, I was flat, I was
dead, and I just went back backhome and I just went to sleep.
I went to sleep, wrote thisemail and then went to sleep.
And then, yeah, the last twodays since that appointment, you
(38:15):
know I've been thinking a lotof stuff, but you know I've been
, I've been trying to.
It's been sunny weather whichhas helped, you know I've been
focusing on my work, even thoughit's you know, I don't gain
much satisfaction from it.
But I've been trying.
I've been trying to be ashelpful and nice to customers as
I can be and, I don't know, puta smile on my dial and try and
fake it till I make it.
But let me tell you it has beentough.
(38:37):
These last two days have beenreally tough because that really
deep, depressing, final way ofthinking, it's constantly
swirling.
It's there Even if I'm notlooking at it directly because
I'm focusing on something atwork.
It is swirling and there's somuch of my subconscious devoted
(38:58):
to this should we or should wenot, sort of thing?
And it's really.
It's getting hard, guys.
It's getting really hard.
But the good news is today,today, something good happened
and that little flicker of hopeis burning that little bit
brighter.
So let me tell you I neededthis, I needed a win, god, I
(39:20):
needed a win Now.
I didn't think it was going tocome, but the mental health
community team, the Newcastlemental health team at James
Fletcher where IJMU is.
That's where all these sorts ofpsychiatrists and stuff are as
well.
I got a phone call from one ofthe mental health workers there.
They actually tried to call methe last two days but I haven't
(39:43):
been able to answer because,again, my social capacity is
just on zero and I know it's animportant phone call but I've
just have not had the oomph todo it because I've also haven't
had Vyvanse or dexamphetamine.
I got that script today, sothat allowed me to be able to
have the social capacity toanswer this phone call or make
the phone call in the end.
Um, cause I kept ringing duringwork, um, which is hard, um.
(40:11):
But I rang him after work today, 1.30.
I finished, I rang him and Isaid look, it's Elliot Waters
here.
You've been trying to ring me.
I've been trying to answer,trust me, but now I'm able to
talk.
What have you got for me?
And let me tell you, today'sconversation was, oh man, it was
good, it was great, it was oneof the best I've ever had.
It was, you know, I've got thishope is you know, don't get me
(40:31):
wrong like where I'm still, youknow battling.
You know I'm about to go tosleep now.
I'm about to go to bed and whenI put my head on the pillow I'm
going to be thinking that toingand froing, should we, should
we not thing that's going to bethere?
But there's a lot more evidencejust from today that suggests
maybe we should hold on a bitlonger and see how things
develop, because this phone calltoday was very, very promising
(40:55):
and I'm going to tell you allabout it in the next episode.
Very promising.
This could be a turning point.
Even if it's not, this is stilla win, even if it's a small win
and it doesn't grow from here,although I think it's going to.
I not, this is still a win,even if it's a small win, um,
and it doesn't grow from here,although I think it's going to.
I think this is a good one, um,but I needed this so bad.
I'm so glad I got it and Ican't wait to tell you all about
(41:17):
it in the next episode, becauseit does deserve its own episode
, because this could be I'mtelling you, this could be the
moment, and I want to make itclear how important this was
today and how it's turned my youknow way of thinking, not
upside down.
Like I said, I'm still thinkingthose dark thoughts, they're
swirling, but all of a suddenI've got that extra oomph, that
(41:40):
pushback, and there's a slightspring in my step because
there's a bit of hope.
Maybe, just maybe, there's abit more of this story to be
written and let me tell you I'mgoing to tell you every detail
here on the Dysregulated podcast.
All right, that's enough fromme.
Thank you for listeningeverybody.
I do appreciate it.
You have no idea how importantyou guys are to me, like
(42:03):
seriously, when I think aboutreasons to keep pressing on.
You guys are a huge part inthis podcast as well as a huge
part of me pushing back againstsome of those negative thoughts
and I cannot thank you enoughfor your support If you're going
through some difficult timesyourself.
Unfortunately, what I'm findingand have found over the course
(42:24):
of this podcast and doing mypresentations for Black Dog and
going around the state andpresenting around the country
and stuff, a lot of people seemto think similar to me, maybe
not the same.
My fixations get pretty definedand it's pretty unique to me,
but at the same time, thefundamentals I'm telling you
we're all the same and we allthink the same things, or at
(42:46):
least very similar things, and Iknow there'll be a few of you
listening who'll be thinkingwhile listening to this episode
here today and maybe some of theother therapy reflections and
some of the other episodes Holydooly, that's me.
I am so thankful, on one hand,that someone else feels like I
do, but, man, it's so hard, it'sso hard.
(43:10):
All I can say is well, not allI can say.
There's a lot I can say, butwhat I want to say now is that,
if you are feeling like you'reanswering that question and it's
not the good answer that wewant, which is to press on
please reach out to me onInstagram or on Facebook.
So Instagram at elliotttwatersor on Facebook, search for the
Dysregulated Podcast Morepodcast content coming soon.
(43:32):
As you know, my social capacityis very, very limited, so if you
message me, I may not replystraight away.
It may be a day or two.
I apologize in advance, buttrust me, if you feel like
there's no one to turn to, maybeyou've found some comfort
listening to my voice andlistening to my story.
By all means, reach outdirectly and we'll see what's
(43:56):
going on.
As I said, my social capacityis very stretched, so please
don't expect too much from me.
But my goodness, I'm in yourcorner too, 100%.
And if you feel like there's noone in your corner, no one that
gets it, and then you think,hang on, elliot seems to get it,
I'm telling you, reach out tome.
(44:17):
All right, I'll reply, Ipromise.
All right.
Thank you everybody.
Thank you for listening.
I do appreciate it again.
Adhd brain.
I don't know if I've done thisspill yet.
I'm thinking.
I don't think I did.
Either way, if I repeat it,whatever, it's very important.
If you're enjoying the show,feel free to like, subscribe,
give the show a great rating andyou can share it around with
your mates.
And you can follow me onInstagram at elliotttwaters, and
(44:42):
please search for the show onFacebook, the Dysregulated
Podcast.
All right, can't wait for thenext episode.
I promise it's going to be fullof sunshine and rainbows.
I'm feeling bubbly justthinking about it.
All right, thank you guys.
Have a good one and I'll seeyou soon.
Goodbye, thank you.
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