September 18, 2025 • 20 mins
After a break from therapy, today’s session was less about deep work and more about catching my therapist up on everything that’s been happening. Or, not been happening. She thought I'd be tapering off medications, instead of being on another one.. She seemed genuinely bemused by this, thankfully validating the confusion and frustration I have felt when my wishes aren't be listened to. She reminded me that this isn’t a failure of self-advocacy on my part, but rather a reflection of a broken system. While most of the session was devoted to recounting these updates, we finished by re-committing to focus on the bigger picture: finding a new job and moving forward with a career change.
--
Follow my journey through the chaos of mental illness and the hard-fought lessons learned along the way.
Lived experience is at the heart of this podcast — every episode told through my own lens, with raw honesty and zero filter.
This is a genuine and vulnerable account of how multiple psychological disorders have shaped my past and continue to influence my future.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
G'day everybody.
My name is Elliot Waters andyou're listening to the
Dysregulated Podcast, as always.
Thank you for tuning in Rightotoday's episode.
I haven't done one of these fora while.
I've just got home from thepsychologist.
I just had therapy.
I've just run in the door andI'm sitting down now talking to
you, so I'm going to tell youall about how my therapy session
(00:31):
went today.
So the important thing to noteis that, yes, this is the first
one I've had in a while.
So if you've been wonderingwhere the Therapy Reflections
episodes have gone, don't worry,they're coming back.
I just need to get into therapya little bit more and actually
get to see my psychologist.
The reason why that hasn'thappened lately is because of
(00:52):
two main reasons.
One, my psychologist was away.
How dare she?
I think she went on holidays.
I don't know.
We don't really talk about hermuch, we usually talk about me.
And the other reason is that Ihave not had much cash Again, as
you would know, because I talkabout money all the time on here
.
But it's true.
You know, psychologyappointments here are not cheap,
(01:15):
even if you do have a mentalhealth care plan.
So in Australia you can get amental health care plan that
gets you 10 sessions.
For those listening outside thecountry can get your 10
sessions subsidized with apsychologist, and you get that
through your GP, through yourdoctor.
Now, the important thing tonote is that it's subsidized.
(01:35):
It doesn't pay for your session, it just makes it a bit cheaper
.
And it does make it quite a bitcheaper but at the same time
it's not free and you've got tohave the money, the full cost,
upfront.
Then you get the rebate later.
So, and if you're like me thathas to go to therapy a lot, you
know you burn through those 10sessions pretty quick.
(01:56):
So yeah, but anyway.
So I went today, which was good.
Not a great deal, admittedly,was achieved and never was
really going to be, becausethere was a lot to sort of fill
in her about what's been goingon with me more recently,
especially around medications.
So the types of therapies thatI do at the moment in therapy so
(02:20):
internal family systems therapyand EMDR are the two main ones.
They're not really the type oftherapies where you just go in
and talk about how you feel.
There's a bit more to it thanthat.
That's more the CBT sort ofside of things.
But it was important in thistherapy session today to cover
the basics of what's been goingon.
So, although I wouldn't saymuch was achieved, this still
(02:43):
had to happen either way.
So yeah, so now I've got her upto speed with what's been going
on, which is, of course, thatI'm on more meds now than before
.
So my last appointment with herwas before I started going to
Jane's Fletcher to see thepsychiatrist there from the
Newcastle Community Mentalhealth team in the public system
(03:05):
.
So the last thing she knew wasthat she'd written a letter or a
referral to the James Fletcherguys and said you know, I think
for what it's worth me as apsychologist, I think Elliot
needs to get off his meds andreassess.
I've had referrals from my GPthat have said the same thing.
I've been saying the same thing, and yet here we are.
I'm on an extra medication, themetazapine.
(03:28):
She was quite shocked, to saythe least, that that's what's
been happening lately.
She was expecting to come backand that I'd either be, you know
, started tapering off medsalready or I would have been
admitted to a psychiatricfacility to do that, to
facilitate that.
And none of those things havehappened.
(03:49):
I'm not back at Ishmael, I'mnot at an extended stay ward
somewhere.
And I'm not tapering off meds,I want an extra one instead.
So that's what?
Eight, now seven or eight.
So she was a bit confused aboutthat and I said to her that I
was a bit confused about it aswell, because you know, like I
said, I've been advocating toget out.
(04:09):
You guys know, because youlisten, I'll tell you guys, I've
been advocating to get myselfoff meds and to go back to some
sort of baseline for quite awhile now and I've been pretty
consistent with that and forsome reason the people that need
to be listening aren'tlistening.
I guess and I said this in anepisode previously that maybe
you know I haven't been able toadvocate as well for myself as I
(04:33):
would like, but then you knowwho does advocate well for
themselves when they'redepressed and anxious and
everything else that goes withit.
Like you know and I think Ihave advocated well enough that
I would have got the pointacross that I want to try and
see what life is like withoutthese meds Knowing for well,
I'll probably have to go back onone or two, but let's keep it
(04:55):
to one or two instead of now oneight where I can't tell if
they're working or not.
I don't think things haveimproved.
I don't think since introducingmetazapine things have improved
.
I wouldn't say they're gettingworse.
But at the same time I'd liketo think there's a lot more room
for improvement than there isfor things to get worse.
And there's been no improvement.
(05:17):
So it's like, okay, what'sgoing on there?
So eight medications, I wouldexpect that I would be feeling
better than I do.
And introducing metazepine it'sbeen a few weeks now, it's been
six or seven weeks.
If this medication was going todo something and move the needle
, I also would have thought thata little bit of that needle
(05:39):
movement would have occurred bynow, but it hasn't gone up or
down, I've just stayed in thesame spot occurred by now, but
it hasn't gone up or down, I'vejust stayed in the same spot.
So you know, um, metazepinedoesn't appear to be the, the
missing ingredient in my regimen, my cocktail of medications, um
(05:59):
, but I explained this all toher and, as I said, there wasn't
a heap of therapy done today,it was more me filling her in.
But you know, that needed to bedone, it was.
It was all right to get off mychest, I suppose.
But you know, um, it's.
It just sort of got me angry.
Really.
I don't mean I wasn't gettinglike real angry in the session,
but deep down I was feeling it.
You know I was like, yeah, this, this is rubbish.
What's going on?
You know what happened to thisidea of selfonomy.
(06:23):
You know being the boss ofyourself.
I said to her and I think thissums it up really nicely, or at
least this sums up how therelationship with your doctor or
your psychiatrist or anyone anyof these mental health
professionals should be, whichis so in the case of the
psychiatrist he's the expert,right, he's the expert, but I'm
(06:46):
the boss because it's my life.
So I should be the boss ofthings.
He's the expert and can provide, you know, expert opinion and
make suggestions and come upwith a plan and everything.
But at the end of the day, theperson who should be signing off
on that plan is me because it'smy life.
You know I'm the one that hasto put up with it, not the
(07:07):
doctor.
And you know I guess I've beensigning off a bit too easily on
the whole more meds, more meds,more meds.
But you know, I don't know whatdo you?
You would hope that thesepsychiatrists, who are experts
in the field theoretically wouldknow what they're doing, and so
I put a lot of trust in thesepsychiatrists, although often it
(07:27):
appears I seem to know moreabout these medications than
they do.
But you know again, I'm not adoctor, so I need to dial it
down a bit and, as I said,they're the expert you know, and
that's how I've sort of lookedat these situations.
But the experts are leading medown a path that I don't know
how to get back from.
You know, I've got so many medsfloating around now that it's
(07:50):
like there's no chance ofknowing which medications pull
and what leave and what's doingwhat, and that's why I wanted a
bit of a reset so we couldfigure out what's going on.
You know what the meds arecontributing to, or what they're
improving or what they're nottouching, and then what
psychology is going to have totake over and do the rest.
So that's essentially what Iwas talking about in today's
(08:12):
session.
Like I said, there was no realtherapy going on.
It was more filling her in onwhat's been happening, and
really there's not much beenhappening.
It's been more of the same, andthe introduction of another
medication hasn't really changedmy trajectory at all.
I don't think.
Like I said, I don't think it'smade things worse, although I
(08:32):
seem to be putting on weight allof a sudden quite quickly,
which metazepine is known to dobut besides that I wouldn't say
things have gotten any worse,but I certainly wouldn't say
they've gotten any better.
So, very frustrating.
She was frustrated too.
She was frustrated as well andshe validated me in saying that
I deserve to feel frustrated,because she knows how clear I've
(08:53):
been on this sort of topic andhow clear I've been on it for a
while, and she understands thatfor some reason doctors don't
seem to be listening to me.
So she validated my feelings onthat, which is good, that's
always good, but I really wishshe didn't have to.
But unfortunately, this is thesituation I find myself in,
(09:13):
which is on eight medicationsand no real improvement, and I'm
even further away from my goalof getting off the meds.
So I could see what baselinewas like and maybe go back into
the transport industry, becauseI still feel as though I've got
unfinished business withtransport.
But it's looking less and lesslikely now that that will be a
(09:35):
viable option, because it'slooking less and less likely
that I'm getting off these meds.
That's the thing.
I'm at the point now where I'mjust like, whatever, I'll just
stay on them, I'll just stay onthem.
But a lot of these medicationson their own don't have great
long-term outlooks as far asthings like not all of them, but
(09:58):
like any psychotic long-termuse, for example, is shown to
shrink grey matter, and there'sissues around potential early
onset dementia and stuff likethat, you know, and it'd be
silly to think that theseweren't real concerns or risks
facing me, especially with theamount of meds that I'm on and
(10:18):
they're all pretty heavy dutygear.
You know, like no one knows forsure what the long-term
implications of this manymedications on my brain will be,
but I guess one day we'll findout, um, but yeah.
So today's session was mostlyjust filling her in, doing a bit
of venting, quite a bit ofventing, um, and she validated
(10:40):
that, which was good, becausebecause, yeah, it's always good,
not that I really needed hervalidation so much, because I'm
very confident in the fact thatyou know that I haven't got my
message across, or at least ithasn't been listened to.
So I know that that's true, butit was still good to hear
someone in a position or from aposition of authority say yeah,
(11:04):
elliot, you're thinking theright things, it's making sense,
as frustrating as it is.
It's making sense, you know,because I said to her I was like
you know, I'm just doublechecking Like this is logical,
isn't it that I want to get offthe meds and then it's also
logical that I'd be frustratedthat this hasn't happened.
And on both accounts she saidyes, it's very logical, and she
(11:31):
herself is a bit confused by itall.
She even suggested going andseeing a member of parliament
about it.
So if that's not an indicatorof where things are at, I don't
know what is.
But anyway, the plan is that wecome up.
Both of us agreed that.
The plan is.
I've got another appointmentwith the psychiatrist in
November, although it's a bitaway.
You know, we'll just keeptreading water for now, as
difficult as it is, and I'll goin with a bit of a clear.
(11:55):
I've had a clear plan each time, but again, a clear plan.
If this metazapine hasn't movedthe needle to get that point
across and then be like listen,doc, you know, like we've thrown
every medication at this thingand it hasn't improved, let's
start trying to peel them off.
How about that?
And try and argue for thatagain.
But surely I'd be forgiven if Ididn't have much faith that
(12:19):
that is how it was going to turnout for me.
But anyway we'll see.
But, like I said, it's good toget that validation when there
was 10 minutes to go is how itwas going to turn out for me.
But anyway, we'll see.
But like I said, it was good toget that validation when there
was 10 minutes to go.
I thought it was almost done.
I looked at my phone.
I said, oh well, for the last10 minutes, let's sort of plan
for the next session.
So that's what we did.
And again we focused or Ifocused on the fact that there's
two main branches that I wantto look at, one being career,
(12:45):
the other being relationships.
And prior to this, career hasbeen the focus Get me feeling
confident enough in my ownabilities that I can go for a
new job, get more money and thegood things will happen from
there.
And being work, that maybe is abit more in keeping with my
(13:05):
meaning and purpose.
You know like, use thatpsychology degree and get into
mental health and do somecommunity work, and you know the
stuff I should be doing if Iwas confident enough to follow
my dreams.
And then the other branch isrelationships, and that's
similar in getting confidenceand having the confidence that I
can bring a long-termrelationship again that's
(13:26):
fulfilling, and that there'ssomeone out there who might want
to put up with this, that wholesort of way of thinking.
But we agreed that the so Iwould say there's a
bi-directional relationship, youknow, between these two
variables and there's aninteraction effect.
Maybe that's a better way ofputting it.
Either way, what I mean is if Iimprove one, the other is
(13:50):
improved as a result.
I think the way to do it, Ithink if I improve the career
branch, I think that'll improvemy chances with relationships a
lot more than if I get in arelationship, and then that
helping to improve the careerside of things.
I think the big thing for me isthis new job idea and having
(14:11):
the confidence to do that and doit well.
If I can do that, then that isa lot of good, positive emotion
that I would then be able totransfer across, I think, to the
whole relationship world.
But I don't think getting in arelationship will have the same
effect back on the career butthe other way.
You know what I mean.
So out of the two.
(14:32):
I think the maximize thebenefits.
I think career and new job andwork is still the one that needs
the most attention.
So we agreed on that and that'swhat we're going to look at in
more detail, pretty much pick upwhere we left off, essentially
before I saw her last, and we'regoing to look at the career and
the job stuff and really focuson that.
(14:54):
And I'm halfway there.
I'm halfway there On good days.
I do genuinely believe that Ihave the ability to do good
things and that I'm able to getnew work and get paid as I would
hope for this.
Whatever this new work is andthe good things that come from
that, it's just those flat offdays that I still get really
(15:19):
worried about it and you know,it feels like all the, the, the
thinking, the positive thinkingI've done around it all of a
sudden disappears overnight andI need to get that out of me
game.
You know, I need even theflatter days to maybe feel flat,
because that's just the way itis.
That's, every human has flatdays, but not every, not every
(15:40):
person has a flat day and thenthrows all their hopes and
dreams in the bin because theydon't feel as though they're
good enough to chase for themand earn them, and that's what I
need to try and fix, or aposition I want to get into
which is even on my off days.
You know, this confidencearound me and my work and what
I'm able to do and achievedoesn't shift.
(16:01):
It's solid, it's concrete.
That's the goal.
But again, before seeing mycurrent psychologist, we've done
a lot of work on this and, as Isaid, we're about halfway there
.
But before this I didn't feelconfident in this in any way.
So there's been solidimprovements and I'm getting
closer.
(16:21):
I'm just not quite there yet.
So I said, well, look, I don'twant to part of me, you know,
there's a big part of me thatreally longs for relationship
and all that sort of stuff andthat life.
But I said to her that no, Ithink we need to instead of
chopping and changing.
This is what I used to do intherapy previously with other
psychologists.
We would chop and change allthe time because I would be
(16:43):
chopping and changing on what Iwanted to work on.
And something I've really doneand really focused on this time
around with my currentpsychologist is trying to be
pretty stable as far as whatwe're working on, and I think
that's why I've seen some goodimprovements, whereas maybe
previously I hadn't seen theimprovements I was looking for.
(17:05):
So the plan moving forward nextsession we're going back into
the work stuff imposter syndrome, the inner critic that says I
can't do it, all that sort ofstuff.
Going back to that and pickingup where we left off, basically
Knowing that the relationshipthing is certainly a priority.
Just maybe not for right nowBecause, like I said, I think
(17:25):
the best way to improve both, Ithink, is to improve the career
job stuff first.
I think that'll get me the mostbang for me buck.
So that's the plan.
But yeah, most of today wasjust a catch up session, which
you know it's very expensivecatch up session.
But look, it is what it is.
(17:45):
And I just wish I had somebetter news to report to her on
the medication front because,like I said, she was pretty
surprised that although I've hadletters from my GP, I've had
letters from her, I've hadletters from the Mater Hospital,
the acute care team, all thisinformation, all these letters,
and yet I don't appear to be anycloser to starting to taper off
(18:08):
these meds.
She couldn't quite understandand I said, well, look, I don't
really understand either.
I don't understand either.
But hey, it is what it is, solet's make the best of it.
So the plan is, when I see herin a fortnight, we're going back
to the career and job stuff andwe're also going to plan out
just briefly.
We're not going to spend toomuch time on it which I don't
want to, because I go into thesethings reasonably clear but
(18:32):
we're going to spend a littlebit of time again on how to
approach the subject with thepsychiatrist.
If it does appear the metazapinehasn't really done much, how to
then reintroduce this idea ofpotential tapering from
medications.
I'm sure you're sick of hearingme bang on about it, but I'm
sick of talking about it too.
After this long I could havebeen off half of them by now.
(18:56):
But it is what it is.
It is what it is Veryfrustrating, that's for sure.
Anyway, all right, well, thankyou know, it is what it is.
It is what it is Veryfrustrating, that's for sure.
Anyway, all right, well, thankyou everybody for listening.
That's the latest.
So expect another of thesetherapy reflections episodes to
come out in a fortnight and ifsomething happens I'll tell you.
(19:16):
Of course, on here.
I'll let you know how it goes.
But that's the plan.
Moving forward, we're going backto the career stuff and the job
hunt and getting in a positionwhere I'm comfortable but, more
importantly, confident in my ownabilities and the fact that I
can do meaningful work and I canbe paid an amount that makes my
(19:38):
life a hell of a lot betterthan it is at the moment because
I am broke.
Anyway, that's enough for me.
Thank you for listeningeverybody.
I appreciate it, as always.
If you've been enjoying theshow, feel free to like,
subscribe, give the show a greatrating and share it around with
your mates.
You can follow me on Instagramat elliotttwaters, and you can
follow the show on Facebook bysearching for the Dysregulator
(20:02):
podcast.
All right, that's it from me.
See you later.
G'day everybody.
My name is Elliot Waters andyou're listening to the
Dysregulated Podcast, as always.
Thank you for tuning in Rightotoday's episode.
I haven't done one of these fora while.
I've just got home from thepsychologist.
I just had therapy.
I've just run in the door andI'm sitting down now talking to
you, so I'm going to tell youall about how my therapy session
(00:31):
went today.
So the important thing to noteis that, yes, this is the first
one I've had in a while.
So if you've been wonderingwhere the Therapy Reflections
episodes have gone, don't worry,they're coming back.
I just need to get into therapya little bit more and actually
get to see my psychologist.
The reason why that hasn'thappened lately is because of
(00:52):
two main reasons.
One, my psychologist was away.
How dare she?
I think she went on holidays.
I don't know.
We don't really talk about hermuch, we usually talk about me.
And the other reason is that Ihave not had much cash Again, as
you would know, because I talkabout money all the time on here
.
But it's true.
You know, psychologyappointments here are not cheap,
(01:15):
even if you do have a mentalhealth care plan.
So in Australia you can get amental health care plan that
gets you 10 sessions.
For those listening outside thecountry can get your 10
sessions subsidized with apsychologist, and you get that
through your GP, through yourdoctor.
Now, the important thing tonote is that it's subsidized.
(01:35):
It doesn't pay for your session, it just makes it a bit cheaper
.
And it does make it quite a bitcheaper but at the same time
it's not free and you've got tohave the money, the full cost,
upfront.
Then you get the rebate later.
So, and if you're like me thathas to go to therapy a lot, you
know you burn through those 10sessions pretty quick.
(01:56):
So yeah, but anyway.
So I went today, which was good.
Not a great deal, admittedly,was achieved and never was
really going to be, becausethere was a lot to sort of fill
in her about what's been goingon with me more recently,
especially around medications.
So the types of therapies thatI do at the moment in therapy so
(02:20):
internal family systems therapyand EMDR are the two main ones.
They're not really the type oftherapies where you just go in
and talk about how you feel.
There's a bit more to it thanthat.
That's more the CBT sort ofside of things.
But it was important in thistherapy session today to cover
the basics of what's been goingon.
So, although I wouldn't saymuch was achieved, this still
(02:43):
had to happen either way.
So yeah, so now I've got her upto speed with what's been going
on, which is, of course, thatI'm on more meds now than before
.
So my last appointment with herwas before I started going to
Jane's Fletcher to see thepsychiatrist there from the
Newcastle Community Mentalhealth team in the public system
(03:05):
.
So the last thing she knew wasthat she'd written a letter or a
referral to the James Fletcherguys and said you know, I think
for what it's worth me as apsychologist, I think Elliot
needs to get off his meds andreassess.
I've had referrals from my GPthat have said the same thing.
I've been saying the same thing, and yet here we are.
I'm on an extra medication, themetazapine.
(03:28):
She was quite shocked, to saythe least, that that's what's
been happening lately.
She was expecting to come backand that I'd either be, you know
, started tapering off medsalready or I would have been
admitted to a psychiatricfacility to do that, to
facilitate that.
And none of those things havehappened.
(03:49):
I'm not back at Ishmael, I'mnot at an extended stay ward
somewhere.
And I'm not tapering off meds,I want an extra one instead.
So that's what?
Eight, now seven or eight.
So she was a bit confused aboutthat and I said to her that I
was a bit confused about it aswell, because you know, like I
said, I've been advocating toget out.
(04:09):
You guys know, because youlisten, I'll tell you guys, I've
been advocating to get myselfoff meds and to go back to some
sort of baseline for quite awhile now and I've been pretty
consistent with that and forsome reason the people that need
to be listening aren'tlistening.
I guess and I said this in anepisode previously that maybe
you know I haven't been able toadvocate as well for myself as I
(04:33):
would like, but then you knowwho does advocate well for
themselves when they'redepressed and anxious and
everything else that goes withit.
Like you know and I think Ihave advocated well enough that
I would have got the pointacross that I want to try and
see what life is like withoutthese meds Knowing for well,
I'll probably have to go back onone or two, but let's keep it
(04:55):
to one or two instead of now oneight where I can't tell if
they're working or not.
I don't think things haveimproved.
I don't think since introducingmetazapine things have improved
.
I wouldn't say they're gettingworse.
But at the same time I'd liketo think there's a lot more room
for improvement than there isfor things to get worse.
And there's been no improvement.
(05:17):
So it's like, okay, what'sgoing on there?
So eight medications, I wouldexpect that I would be feeling
better than I do.
And introducing metazepine it'sbeen a few weeks now, it's been
six or seven weeks.
If this medication was going todo something and move the needle
, I also would have thought thata little bit of that needle
(05:39):
movement would have occurred bynow, but it hasn't gone up or
down, I've just stayed in thesame spot occurred by now, but
it hasn't gone up or down, I'vejust stayed in the same spot.
So you know, um, metazepinedoesn't appear to be the, the
missing ingredient in my regimen, my cocktail of medications, um
(05:59):
, but I explained this all toher and, as I said, there wasn't
a heap of therapy done today,it was more me filling her in.
But you know, that needed to bedone, it was.
It was all right to get off mychest, I suppose.
But you know, um, it's.
It just sort of got me angry.
Really.
I don't mean I wasn't gettinglike real angry in the session,
but deep down I was feeling it.
You know I was like, yeah, this, this is rubbish.
What's going on?
You know what happened to thisidea of selfonomy.
(06:23):
You know being the boss ofyourself.
I said to her and I think thissums it up really nicely, or at
least this sums up how therelationship with your doctor or
your psychiatrist or anyone anyof these mental health
professionals should be, whichis so in the case of the
psychiatrist he's the expert,right, he's the expert, but I'm
(06:46):
the boss because it's my life.
So I should be the boss ofthings.
He's the expert and can provide, you know, expert opinion and
make suggestions and come upwith a plan and everything.
But at the end of the day, theperson who should be signing off
on that plan is me because it'smy life.
You know I'm the one that hasto put up with it, not the
(07:07):
doctor.
And you know I guess I've beensigning off a bit too easily on
the whole more meds, more meds,more meds.
But you know, I don't know whatdo you?
You would hope that thesepsychiatrists, who are experts
in the field theoretically wouldknow what they're doing, and so
I put a lot of trust in thesepsychiatrists, although often it
(07:27):
appears I seem to know moreabout these medications than
they do.
But you know again, I'm not adoctor, so I need to dial it
down a bit and, as I said,they're the expert you know, and
that's how I've sort of lookedat these situations.
But the experts are leading medown a path that I don't know
how to get back from.
You know, I've got so many medsfloating around now that it's
(07:50):
like there's no chance ofknowing which medications pull
and what leave and what's doingwhat, and that's why I wanted a
bit of a reset so we couldfigure out what's going on.
You know what the meds arecontributing to, or what they're
improving or what they're nottouching, and then what
psychology is going to have totake over and do the rest.
So that's essentially what Iwas talking about in today's
(08:12):
session.
Like I said, there was no realtherapy going on.
It was more filling her in onwhat's been happening, and
really there's not much beenhappening.
It's been more of the same, andthe introduction of another
medication hasn't really changedmy trajectory at all.
I don't think.
Like I said, I don't think it'smade things worse, although I
(08:32):
seem to be putting on weight allof a sudden quite quickly,
which metazepine is known to dobut besides that I wouldn't say
things have gotten any worse,but I certainly wouldn't say
they've gotten any better.
So, very frustrating.
She was frustrated too.
She was frustrated as well andshe validated me in saying that
I deserve to feel frustrated,because she knows how clear I've
(08:53):
been on this sort of topic andhow clear I've been on it for a
while, and she understands thatfor some reason doctors don't
seem to be listening to me.
So she validated my feelings onthat, which is good, that's
always good, but I really wishshe didn't have to.
But unfortunately, this is thesituation I find myself in,
(09:13):
which is on eight medicationsand no real improvement, and I'm
even further away from my goalof getting off the meds.
So I could see what baselinewas like and maybe go back into
the transport industry, becauseI still feel as though I've got
unfinished business withtransport.
But it's looking less and lesslikely now that that will be a
(09:35):
viable option, because it'slooking less and less likely
that I'm getting off these meds.
That's the thing.
I'm at the point now where I'mjust like, whatever, I'll just
stay on them, I'll just stay onthem.
But a lot of these medicationson their own don't have great
long-term outlooks as far asthings like not all of them, but
(09:58):
like any psychotic long-termuse, for example, is shown to
shrink grey matter, and there'sissues around potential early
onset dementia and stuff likethat, you know, and it'd be
silly to think that theseweren't real concerns or risks
facing me, especially with theamount of meds that I'm on and
(10:18):
they're all pretty heavy dutygear.
You know, like no one knows forsure what the long-term
implications of this manymedications on my brain will be,
but I guess one day we'll findout, um, but yeah.
So today's session was mostlyjust filling her in, doing a bit
of venting, quite a bit ofventing, um, and she validated
(10:40):
that, which was good, becausebecause, yeah, it's always good,
not that I really needed hervalidation so much, because I'm
very confident in the fact thatyou know that I haven't got my
message across, or at least ithasn't been listened to.
So I know that that's true, butit was still good to hear
someone in a position or from aposition of authority say yeah,
(11:04):
elliot, you're thinking theright things, it's making sense,
as frustrating as it is.
It's making sense, you know,because I said to her I was like
you know, I'm just doublechecking Like this is logical,
isn't it that I want to get offthe meds and then it's also
logical that I'd be frustratedthat this hasn't happened.
And on both accounts she saidyes, it's very logical, and she
(11:31):
herself is a bit confused by itall.
She even suggested going andseeing a member of parliament
about it.
So if that's not an indicatorof where things are at, I don't
know what is.
But anyway, the plan is that wecome up.
Both of us agreed that.
The plan is.
I've got another appointmentwith the psychiatrist in
November, although it's a bitaway.
You know, we'll just keeptreading water for now, as
difficult as it is, and I'll goin with a bit of a clear.
(11:55):
I've had a clear plan each time, but again, a clear plan.
If this metazapine hasn't movedthe needle to get that point
across and then be like listen,doc, you know, like we've thrown
every medication at this thingand it hasn't improved, let's
start trying to peel them off.
How about that?
And try and argue for thatagain.
But surely I'd be forgiven if Ididn't have much faith that
(12:19):
that is how it was going to turnout for me.
But anyway we'll see.
But, like I said, it's good toget that validation when there
was 10 minutes to go is how itwas going to turn out for me.
But anyway, we'll see.
But like I said, it was good toget that validation when there
was 10 minutes to go.
I thought it was almost done.
I looked at my phone.
I said, oh well, for the last10 minutes, let's sort of plan
for the next session.
So that's what we did.
And again we focused or Ifocused on the fact that there's
two main branches that I wantto look at, one being career,
(12:45):
the other being relationships.
And prior to this, career hasbeen the focus Get me feeling
confident enough in my ownabilities that I can go for a
new job, get more money and thegood things will happen from
there.
And being work, that maybe is abit more in keeping with my
(13:05):
meaning and purpose.
You know like, use thatpsychology degree and get into
mental health and do somecommunity work, and you know the
stuff I should be doing if Iwas confident enough to follow
my dreams.
And then the other branch isrelationships, and that's
similar in getting confidenceand having the confidence that I
can bring a long-termrelationship again that's
(13:26):
fulfilling, and that there'ssomeone out there who might want
to put up with this, that wholesort of way of thinking.
But we agreed that the so Iwould say there's a
bi-directional relationship, youknow, between these two
variables and there's aninteraction effect.
Maybe that's a better way ofputting it.
Either way, what I mean is if Iimprove one, the other is
(13:50):
improved as a result.
I think the way to do it, Ithink if I improve the career
branch, I think that'll improvemy chances with relationships a
lot more than if I get in arelationship, and then that
helping to improve the careerside of things.
I think the big thing for me isthis new job idea and having
(14:11):
the confidence to do that and doit well.
If I can do that, then that isa lot of good, positive emotion
that I would then be able totransfer across, I think, to the
whole relationship world.
But I don't think getting in arelationship will have the same
effect back on the career butthe other way.
You know what I mean.
So out of the two.
(14:32):
I think the maximize thebenefits.
I think career and new job andwork is still the one that needs
the most attention.
So we agreed on that and that'swhat we're going to look at in
more detail, pretty much pick upwhere we left off, essentially
before I saw her last, and we'regoing to look at the career and
the job stuff and really focuson that.
(14:54):
And I'm halfway there.
I'm halfway there On good days.
I do genuinely believe that Ihave the ability to do good
things and that I'm able to getnew work and get paid as I would
hope for this.
Whatever this new work is andthe good things that come from
that, it's just those flat offdays that I still get really
(15:19):
worried about it and you know,it feels like all the, the, the
thinking, the positive thinkingI've done around it all of a
sudden disappears overnight andI need to get that out of me
game.
You know, I need even theflatter days to maybe feel flat,
because that's just the way itis.
That's, every human has flatdays, but not every, not every
(15:40):
person has a flat day and thenthrows all their hopes and
dreams in the bin because theydon't feel as though they're
good enough to chase for themand earn them, and that's what I
need to try and fix, or aposition I want to get into
which is even on my off days.
You know, this confidencearound me and my work and what
I'm able to do and achievedoesn't shift.
(16:01):
It's solid, it's concrete.
That's the goal.
But again, before seeing mycurrent psychologist, we've done
a lot of work on this and, as Isaid, we're about halfway there
.
But before this I didn't feelconfident in this in any way.
So there's been solidimprovements and I'm getting
closer.
(16:21):
I'm just not quite there yet.
So I said, well, look, I don'twant to part of me, you know,
there's a big part of me thatreally longs for relationship
and all that sort of stuff andthat life.
But I said to her that no, Ithink we need to instead of
chopping and changing.
This is what I used to do intherapy previously with other
psychologists.
We would chop and change allthe time because I would be
(16:43):
chopping and changing on what Iwanted to work on.
And something I've really doneand really focused on this time
around with my currentpsychologist is trying to be
pretty stable as far as whatwe're working on, and I think
that's why I've seen some goodimprovements, whereas maybe
previously I hadn't seen theimprovements I was looking for.
(17:05):
So the plan moving forward nextsession we're going back into
the work stuff imposter syndrome, the inner critic that says I
can't do it, all that sort ofstuff.
Going back to that and pickingup where we left off, basically
Knowing that the relationshipthing is certainly a priority.
Just maybe not for right nowBecause, like I said, I think
(17:25):
the best way to improve both, Ithink, is to improve the career
job stuff first.
I think that'll get me the mostbang for me buck.
So that's the plan.
But yeah, most of today wasjust a catch up session, which
you know it's very expensivecatch up session.
But look, it is what it is.
(17:45):
And I just wish I had somebetter news to report to her on
the medication front because,like I said, she was pretty
surprised that although I've hadletters from my GP, I've had
letters from her, I've hadletters from the Mater Hospital,
the acute care team, all thisinformation, all these letters,
and yet I don't appear to be anycloser to starting to taper off
(18:08):
these meds.
She couldn't quite understandand I said, well, look, I don't
really understand either.
I don't understand either.
But hey, it is what it is, solet's make the best of it.
So the plan is, when I see herin a fortnight, we're going back
to the career and job stuff andwe're also going to plan out
just briefly.
We're not going to spend toomuch time on it which I don't
want to, because I go into thesethings reasonably clear but
(18:32):
we're going to spend a littlebit of time again on how to
approach the subject with thepsychiatrist.
If it does appear the metazapinehasn't really done much, how to
then reintroduce this idea ofpotential tapering from
medications.
I'm sure you're sick of hearingme bang on about it, but I'm
sick of talking about it too.
After this long I could havebeen off half of them by now.
(18:56):
But it is what it is.
It is what it is Veryfrustrating, that's for sure.
Anyway, all right, well, thankyou know, it is what it is.
It is what it is Veryfrustrating, that's for sure.
Anyway, all right, well, thankyou everybody for listening.
That's the latest.
So expect another of thesetherapy reflections episodes to
come out in a fortnight and ifsomething happens I'll tell you.
(19:16):
Of course, on here.
I'll let you know how it goes.
But that's the plan.
Moving forward, we're going backto the career stuff and the job
hunt and getting in a positionwhere I'm comfortable but, more
importantly, confident in my ownabilities and the fact that I
can do meaningful work and I canbe paid an amount that makes my
(19:38):
life a hell of a lot betterthan it is at the moment because
I am broke.
Anyway, that's enough for me.
Thank you for listeningeverybody.
I appreciate it, as always.
If you've been enjoying theshow, feel free to like,
subscribe, give the show a greatrating and share it around with
your mates.
You can follow me on Instagramat elliotttwaters, and you can
follow the show on Facebook bysearching for the Dysregulator
(20:02):
podcast.
All right, that's it from me.
See you later.
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