May 7, 2025 • 54 mins
In the next chapter of My Therapy Reflections, I share a very significant IFS (Internal Family Systems) breakthrough that has reframed how I view some of my darkest moments. When life feels too loud and too bright (which is most of the time), I tend to mentally retreat, like hiding in a tunnel—a cold, dark place that where I sometimes I can sleep for days. But this session revealed something surprising: my internal parts weren’t trying to trap me there like I had thought. They were waiting at the top, encouraging me to come back.
Even my inner critic—the voice I’ve long seen as cruel and as my enemy—was there trying to help. Not to tear me down, but to shield me from a world I’m not built for. This unexpected shift helped me see that every part of me, even the ones I’ve battled with, have been trying to protect me in their own, unique way.
I also uncovered a younger part of myself, frozen at age 15, holding trauma I hadn’t accessed in years. That story continues in Part B. But in this episode, it’s all about beginning to see your inner system not as broken, but as misunderstood. Maybe, like me, you’ll start to feel compassion for the parts of yourself you once feared.
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Episode Transcript
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Elliot (00:11):
G'day everybody.
My name is Elliot Waters andyou're listening to the
Dysregulated Podcast, as always.
Thank you for tuning in.
Right, Today's episode is thenext in the my Therapy
Reflection Series and let metell you there's a bit to
reflect on.
So this is how it's going towork there's going to be part A,
which is this episode, andthere's going to be part B.
So part A looks at a therapysession I had a fortnight ago
(00:35):
and all the reflections on thatand all the conclusions that
were drawn and the interestingnew insights that were gained.
And then part B is going to beabout the therapy session I've
just had this week on Monday,today being Wednesday night.
So because you could squeezethem both together, these two
(00:56):
therapy sessions, and they wouldjust be continuous, it'd be
beautiful.
They flow perfectly from thefirst to the second one.
So that's why I'm going to doit as this sort of part A, part
B, instead of a separatereflection sort of episode,
because they're very muchintrinsically linked, I believe,
(01:18):
and that's how I want to tryand present the events here
today, here on the podcast, andwhen I do the part B episode,
which hopefully I'll do not longafter this one.
So part A.
Now there's been a bit of time.
I had to have a bit of time tothink about it.
Some details have as it whichalways happens with therapy you
(01:41):
can't remember every littlething that was said,
unfortunately.
Well, at least if you're likeme, you can't.
I certainly can't rememberevery little thing that was said
, unfortunately, well, at leastif you're like me, you can't, I
certainly can't.
So part A is going to be I'mgoing to try and make it as
detailed as possible of as muchdetail that I have at hand, if
that makes sense.
So I did think about writingnot writing, sorry well, writing
and recording this episodestraight after the particular
(02:04):
therapy session a fortnight agoI'm talking about.
But I chose not to because Ireally needed to think some of
the things through and get myhead around it first before I
presented it in some sort ofdigestible form to you guys here
on the podcast.
So I wanted to do it justice, Iwanted to do it properly.
So I've taken a bit of time tohave a think about it and think
(02:26):
about the things that came upand um, but now I think I'm
ready to present the findings,the the important details that
were uncovered, and go fromthere Cause it.
You know it's gonna.
This is the thing.
This is the thing.
As we know, I'm a very complexcase.
So this isn't CBT sort oftherapy stuff.
This is internal family systemstherapy and this is EMDR.
(02:52):
So two very different therapiesthat are not like CBT at all,
not even like DBT really either.
And it's hard to explain what Iuncover because it is so
imaginative.
It's very much right brain.
(03:13):
You know there's not.
You know like I'm going to betalking about the parts.
You know, the cognitiveoverthinker, the inner critic,
the workaholic, the 16-year-oldloose cannon, my inner parts,
and there's a few more that havepopped up since as well.
To someone who maybe doesn'thave much experience with
internal family systems therapyin particular, it might sound a
(03:35):
bit weird, a bit like a fantasysort of thing.
But let me tell you these partsare as real as anything that I
know that is real.
These parts are as real asanything that I know that is
real.
Like it's unbelievable, thistherapy, how it can use, you
know, use your imagination tocome up with these constructs
(03:57):
which then fit into the subparts that have, that then
represent some really core sortof beliefs about the self, and
then you can actually talk tothese parts as well and then
move on and have the parts withyou and you're all on the same
team and it's pretty hecticstuff.
And I really needed to do anepisode just a basic one on IFS
(04:18):
internal family systems therapy,because it's a beauty but it is
hard to get your head around,especially if you're just going
into it for the first time intherapy.
It sounds weird, it sounds likeweird voodoo sort of stuff.
But I'm telling you, I'mtelling you, give it a shot
because well, for me at least,as I said, there's nothing more
real in my world than my parts,my sub parts, those sub
(04:41):
components which make up mypsyche, which, theoretically,
are all aligned with the self.
You know, the actual self thatshould have the hands on the
steering wheel.
But as you learn in thistherapy and I think I've
probably got this point acrossalready in some of the previous
Therapy Reflections episodes,but as you learn, you know often
(05:02):
it's not you behind the drivingwheel.
You know, like, think about ifyou're trying a diet for the
first time, you know, and howdifficult it is to diet.
Well, you know, if it was theself calling the shots, it'd be
easy because you just do it.
But there's these other parts ofplay that you know force you to
do different things, and that'snot the greatest example.
(05:23):
I think the better examples arethe ones I'm about to give now
about my own personal experience.
Um, but there's all thesedifferent parts that are
jockeying for position.
Um, across the podcast, I'veI've I've stated this case that
within me there's thesedifferent disorders that are
jockeying for position.
Um, but there's certainly thesesub parts that are jockeying
for position, but there'scertainly these sub parts that
(05:45):
are jockeying for position aswell.
Now, whether you want to callthem parts and you know alter
egos, or or just you know adifferent I don't know
manifestation of the self,however you want to call it,
whatever you want to call it,the fact of the matter is the
psyche is very complex and thereisn't just one single sort of
(06:06):
person that's calling the shotshere.
That's just not how it works,unfortunately.
But what is exciting is thatyou can get into these sub parts
if you do internal familysystems therapy and you can
really learn so much aboutyourself, and then you can
really get a hold of these partswhich are only trying to do
their best and say right, stickwith me, trust me, me as the
(06:28):
self.
I've got this.
But you guys have been lookingafter me.
You guys have been protectingme, because that's what they're
doing.
These sub parts, you know, theworkaholic is just doing it to
protect me.
My inner critic even now.
I have now seen, which I'llexplain more about in a minute I
now understand how my innercritic may be actually on my
(06:48):
side and my inner critic is onlydoing what it's doing because
it wants to keep the self safe.
And it sounds again.
Maybe it sounds a bit fanciful,I'm not sure, but I'm telling
you this stuff is as real as itgets, so let's get into it
anyway.
So, therapy session, the one afortnight ago, I'll try and
remember.
This stuff is as real as itgets, so let's get into it
anyway.
So, therapy session, the one afortnight ago, I'll try and
remember as much detail as I can, but I think the main points
(07:11):
I'm pretty much across andthat's what I'll try and get
across here in this episode, andthen we're going to build on
these sorts of uncoverings inthat episode.
Sorry, that therapy sessioncertainly built on this first
one and there is very much acontinuum between both.
So, anyway.
(07:31):
So my therapist said you knowhow's things going, as she
always does, and I usually say,oh, you know it's up and down,
but this particular time Ireally stressed the fact that
anxiety is causing massive.
This particular time I reallystressed the fact that anxiety
is causing massive, massiveproblems, massive problems.
And I knew this therapy sessionwas going to be interesting
because, you know, I do thewhole sleeping thing where I
(07:56):
sleep for like three days.
Well, this therapy session Ibooked this like this on purpose
actually interrupted one of thesleeping sort of episodes.
It interrupted it, which waspretty good, and I forced myself
although I did have to use somedexamphetamine to do it, but I
forced myself out of bed and Iforced myself to get to this
therapy session and I said thisto my psychologist.
(08:17):
I said you know, you've got mein a pretty raw and vulnerable
state, you know, right off thebat, without actually doing
anything, because I've pulledmyself out of this slumber, this
sleeping thing.
You know this recharging that Ido this escape from the world
to recharge those batteries.
I've got myself out of that.
(08:37):
I've ripped myself out of thatback into the light of the day,
which I'm going to talk moreabout in a minute and I'm here
sitting in therapy and I'm readyto go.
And I'll tell you, I'mvulnerable, I don't know what's
going to come out, butwhatever's coming out, it's
going to be the truth and it'sgoing to be nothing but the
truth, and I'm ready to go.
That's pretty much what I saidto her.
I said I'm freaking out.
I've been freaking out, youknow, all week, as often I do,
(09:01):
unfortunately, as every week Itend to freak out because, you
know, the world just shines toobrightly and that's what a big
part of this episode is going tobe about.
So, anyway, so we asked thequestion you know how's things
been, how's it been since youwere last here, and I say the
same thing, like I said, up anddown, and you know, I've been
(09:23):
very, very anxious.
You know, same old, sort ofsame old, um, and then we sort
of delved into things a bitdeeper and we and my
psychologist was like all right,are we ready to sort of pick up
where we left off?
Um, you know, talking to theparts and all that sort of stuff
, I said, yeah, yeah, I'm readyto go.
Um, I said, but I am feeling Iam I'm.
She said is there anything sortof coming to mind as we sit here
(09:45):
today and I thought you knowwhat there actually is.
I don't know if she could readit on my face or what, but I was
like there actually is.
I feel, like I said, becauseI've been sort of ripped out of
this slumber that I'm usually in, I feel like I'm at the top of
like a well, like a deep tunnel.
I'm at the top of the tunneland my head's just poking out
(10:06):
over the top and that's where Iam here sitting in therapy today
, because when I'm asleep inthat slumber I said, um, it
feels like I'm in this sort ofthis tunnel.
You know I'm in this tunnel.
I'm under the sheets, I'm underthe blankets.
You know the blinds are drawn,everything's as dark as I can
make it be.
I'm not hearing anything fromthe outside world because I'm in
(10:31):
this cocoon.
I'm in this tunnel that Icreate for myself in my bedroom,
which is full of darkness andterrible, depressing thoughts
and anxiety.
We know that I've had massiveproblems in this hole, in this
tunnel, where the dark thoughtshave got too much, and I've had
to go to hospital and I've hadthese massive panic attacks
where I'm dripping with sweatabsolutely going off my head,
(10:53):
this tunnel, I said to her.
I said the tunnel feels likeit's damp and there's no light
but to be, and it's really quiteconstricting as well, which I
think is related when I getreally sort of depressed, really
depressed like.
It feels like to me that thewalls are closing in.
And I said that it felt like Iwas at the bottom of this tunnel
(11:13):
and the walls had closed injust enough where I didn't get
crushed to death, but the wallswere right there.
And if I wanted to turn overyou know cause I'm sort of
laying down in this tunnel atthe bottom here if I want to
sort of roll over, you knowthere's not much room to do it
and it's real squishy and I'vegot to sort of.
You know, and, as I said, it'sdamp and the walls are so close,
(11:35):
I'm feeling reallyclaustrophobic, which in the
real world I do feel veryclaustrophobic.
And I do feel veryclaustrophobic especially when I
have the panic attacks, whenI'm in these sorts of moments,
these long slumbers where I'mescaping the world.
So anyway, so that's why I saidI said this is what it feels
like.
It feels like because with meI'm very imagery sort of based
(11:59):
I'm very right brain.
So this is very much a rightbrain sort of concoction, but it
makes sense and it certainlymakes sense to me.
I said I feel like that I'vebeen ripped out of my hole, out
of the tunnel.
I'm right at the top of thetunnel.
I haven't peered out of it yetbecause the light is so blinding
and bright that I just cannotclimb out of the tunnel, out of
(12:23):
this well, out of this hole inthe ground, because it's just
too bright.
It's too bright.
And again, that is veryreminiscent of me in the real
world because, especially when Icome out of these slumbers, you
know all my senses, they'redialed up to 11, you know what I
mean.
And especially, although Iwould say auditory, you know,
(12:45):
sensitivity is my biggest numberone when it comes to sensory
sensitivities.
Usually it's noise.
That's the thing for me.
But when I come out of thesesleeps, these slumber, this
hibernation period, everything'sso bright, everything is so
bright and moving too quickly.
And that's exactly what it feltlike in this, in this sort of
(13:08):
image I was bringing to mind.
That's the same thing.
I'm on the edge of this well,this hole, this tunnel, whatever
you want to call it and it'sjust too bright out there, I'm
not going out, I'm not going out, it's too bright, I'm not going
out, it's too bright.
So that in itself was prettyprofound, because now I have a
bit more of a psychologicalunderstanding of what these sort
(13:31):
of slumber things are all about.
You know, now I can sort ofvisualize what's going on when
I'm in bed for three days, youknow, barely drinking water, not
having any meds, like I know,and I've always sort of known
this.
But now I've put a picture toit that, yeah, it feels like I'm
down this tunnel and the wallsare so close to crushing me, but
(13:52):
they're just not quite, butthey're so bloody close, um, and
it's so hard for me to crawlout of this tunnel because it's
so goddamn bright out there.
And I was sitting in in thistherapy session and the window
behind my psychologist was thereand it was bright.
It was so bright middle of theday and I even said, even as I
(14:13):
sit here right now, it's toobright, everything's too bright,
and unfortunately there were noblinds or anything to try and
mitigate that as a problem forme.
But that's why I said, why Isaid I said in this vision, like
I'm not climbing out becauseit's too bright and scary.
And in the real world I'mtelling her like even driving
from my house to my psychologistit takes about 10, 15 minutes.
(14:35):
Even on that drive there I waswhite knuckling that sort of
thing.
It was white knuckled stuffjust holding on and everything
was too bright.
Everything was moving tooquickly.
And the same sort of patternoccurred when I got into the
therapy room as well.
It was the same thing.
It was just too bright.
Everything's too bright.
The world is too bright and thatsort of makes sense.
(14:55):
It makes sense from more of apsychological, scientific point
of view.
It makes sense from me havingautism.
It really does, because forpeople with autism often I don't
want to generalize here, butespecially in my case the world
as we know is not really set upfor the neurodivergent.
(15:17):
It's just not.
And for those of us withsensitivities, sensory
sensitivities the world is toobright or it's too loud, or
there's too many smells orthere's too many textures that
we have to come across Like.
The world is too much.
For people with autismAsperger's, if you want to go,
(15:39):
you know Asperger's, autism andmany other mental illnesses
especially for people with majordepressive disorder the world
is too bright and that disorderactually makes the world darker.
That's how terrible depressionis.
It literally makes the worlddarker and gray for people
because the world is too bright.
And for those of us with autismI'll tell you it is hard, hard
(16:02):
work, and it is.
The world is too bright,there's too many noises.
I can't handle it.
There's too much going on.
I've said before how difficultit is in the job that I have at
Bunnings Warehouse which, again,bunnings have been nothing but
so supportive, and one day I'mgoing to do an episode dedicated
to Bunnings and how greatthey've been for me.
But the truth of the matter isworking in the timber yard at a
(16:23):
busy Bunnings and how greatthey've been for me.
But the truth of the matter is,you know, working in the timber
yard at a busy Bunnings storeBunnings Guitar as I do here in
Newcastle, you know it'sconstantly talking to customers,
it's constantly hearingforklifts moving around and
although when I'm on theforklift itself, the world
becomes very singular for me,and it's actually really it's a
really great exercise inmindfulness and that's why I
(16:45):
think I'm quite a good forkliftoperator, arguably one of the
best in the company, for sure,but I am a good forklift
operator because the world doesgo quiet when I'm on that
forklift.
The world goes quiet and it'snot as bright because I'm
focusing on that pallet there'sgot to go in that racking there.
I'm focusing on that skid therewith some stock on it, there's
(17:07):
got to go in the back of thistruck.
You know what I mean.
The world becomes singular,it's not as bright, it's not as
loud.
I'm locked in.
But take me out of that seat,out of the hot seat of the
forklift.
And when I'm engaging withcustomers constantly and other
team members, and it's just, I'mtelling you, like you know, the
Bunnings radio is blaring and,like I said, there's trucks and
(17:27):
cars, there's kids yelling,there's dogs barking.
It's too bright, it's too loudand it's a really, really
difficult job for someone whosesocial capacity is or has
dwindled because the jobs.
I've been with Bunnings foreight years.
I don't want to go off topictoo much, but I've been with
Bunnings for eight years, um,and my social capacity
(17:48):
unfortunately, over those eightyears has dwindled and it's
becoming harder and harderbecause I just don't have the
ability to engage like I used to.
But I have to force myself.
You know cause you got to work,you know, I've got to pay for
all these psychologyappointments and stuff and all
these medications, so anyway.
So what I'm trying to say is theworld for people like me is too
(18:09):
bright as just a general rule.
Okay, so it's too bright, andthat's exactly what this image
that I was coming up with.
It was manifesting itself inthis image, this idea that the
world is too bright and that'sall well and good.
So that was really good, thatwas great, you know.
But there was this otherelement, there was another
element to it, there was anotherelement and and it really come
(18:31):
on strong and there was no doubtabout this.
And I said to my psychologist Iwas like, look, I just got to
just give me a minute, just justto, you know, cause she's
probing.
You know what's it look like?
You know, is there anyonestanding at the top of the hole
you know of the tunnel?
You know like, is there, isthere a ladder that goes to the
top?
I was like, yeah, yeah, there'sa ladder, there's a ladder and
(18:51):
it's, you know, it's in decentcondition.
So that tells me that, um, theimage is telling me that, you
know, I have the ability toclimb out of this, of this
tunnel, and that ladder isstrong and sturdy.
Pictured.
It represents, you know, theladder is my ability to be able
(19:12):
to overcome and get out of thehole, out of the tunnel.
And that ladder was strong, itwas sturdy, but it was also very
, very bright, very bright, andI thought that was very
interesting, that that at thetop of the hole it's bright at
the top of the tunnel, but it'salso really bright on the
implement that I need to use toget out of it.
(19:32):
So this whole process ofclimbing out of this tunnel is
just bright.
It's offensive and it hurts theeyes, it hurts the ears, it
hurts all the senses, exceptmaybe taste.
I don't know.
There wasn't much taste goingon, but you know what I mean.
So even my framework to get outof the tunnel, out of this
(19:55):
depressing sort of hibernationthat I go into, even the way in
which I have to do it, is reallytoo bright.
So I thought that was very,very interesting.
But then it got moreinteresting.
Can you believe it?
So, if you're still holding on,thank you.
I'm sort of rambling a bit, butI'm telling you this was very
profound, very profound, and thefact that I can now, you know,
(20:17):
this in itself, this part thatI've said already, the fact that
I can even imaginatively, eventhe fact that I can, you know,
get that image into mind of whatthis process is all about huge
step forward, huge step forward,um, and it's made the whole
process um, of potentiallyslipping into this hibernation
(20:40):
mode again, but it's made it alittle bit less scary because I
understand more about it now andI can sort of quantify it, you
know, and it's like right, I canqualify it too, I can
categorize it a bit, it's likeall right, so I can get a handle
of this.
You know, I know what this, Iknow what the picture is that
it's painting here.
I'm sort of all over this.
Now there's this psychologicalunderpinning to it as well.
(21:00):
This is great news and thatdoes not.
That emboldens you, it empowersyou and it's been a huge, it
was a huge breakthrough moment.
But there were more coming.
There were more coming and thisis what happened next.
So my psychologist said, youknow, she said about the ladder
and stuff, and and she said, isthere anyone at the top?
Um, you know, is there anyoneat the top of the tunnel?
(21:21):
Um, maybe, you know, telling,beckoning you to sort of climb
out.
You know, trying to cheer youon, I said holy dooly.
I said holy doley, there is,there is Now.
You might think maybe it'd belike my parents, or you know my
friends or my coworkers, or youknow people in my support
(21:41):
network and I have a supportnetwork and I'm a great support
network.
I'm so, so lucky and blessedand thank you to all of you who
are listening.
You know who you are but sorryto say, it was none of you guys.
Sorry, as good as you guys are,you guys were not the ones at
the top of the tunnel.
You know cheering me on, sayingElliot, come on, you can do this
(22:03):
.
I'm telling you, even talkingright now.
We're 20 minutes into thisepisode.
This is way longer than Iplanned, but still, this is I've
got to get it out there.
You know, because I'm almost,oh, I am.
I'm getting a bit choked upthinking about it, because at
the top of the, at the top ofthe hole of the tunnel, were
(22:23):
these sub parts of mine, the16-year-old loose cannon.
He was there going come on,elliot, you've got this, mate,
you've got this.
I was like holy dooly, thankyou for the support.
You know you're like I knew youwere in me corner, even though
you get me to do some naughtythings.
Like you know, I knew you werebacking me.
Thank you so much.
And then there's the workaholic,you know going, you know trying
(22:45):
to tell me it's all right, wegot you.
Man is huge, you know, holycrap.
And the cognitive overthinkers.
There too, I'm saying, like youknow, we'll think this through,
it's all right, come to the top, we'll think this through,
we'll come up with a plan.
I was like all right, this ispretty good.
You know, like this is, this isall so, so much.
(23:06):
And then you know who else wasthere.
There was, I'm forgetting, ohwell, well then, then then the
big one, the big one is who wasleft was and this is what I
couldn't believe, and this iswhat gets me a bit choked up a
bit, because I couldn't believeit.
But the inner critic was upthere, the inner critic.
(23:28):
Now, this whole time, this wholetime, for my whole life, ever
since I discovered the innercritic concept, I've always
thought the inner critic was myenemy, always, always.
And my psychologist said no, no, no, it's actually in your
corner.
You got to just like the otherparts of you, it's the same,
(23:49):
it's a protecting part as well.
It's just doing its thing.
I was like, nah, nah, I don'tbelieve it.
I don't believe it Because theinner critic never, ever has
anything positive to say andnever has.
I'm like, nah, I'm sorry, likea part that has nothing positive
to say ever.
How on earth can that part bein my corner?
(24:11):
I can't, I cannot imagine thatand I refuse to believe it.
Basically, that's what I wassaying.
I've said for so long, you know,even through this internal
family systems therapy process,which has been so enlightening
up until this point.
You know, I'm sorry, the innercritic is not in my corner and I
need to quieten it as much as Ican.
(24:31):
And I've said in my black dogpresentations I would quieten it
as much as I can.
And I've said in my Black Dogpresentations, I would have said
it in episodes gone by here onthe podcast as well the inner
critic is not my friend, it ismy foe, and I've got to figure
out a way to shut it up for good.
And then I'll say to mypsychologist I was rattling them
off, loose cannons there.
16-year-old, the workaholic, thecognitive overthinker, they're
all there.
You know this is unbelievable.
(24:52):
But the inner critic was theretoo and it was the one that was
really like mate, mate, I've gotyou.
You got to trust me for once,but I've got you, I'm looking
after you.
I'm telling you, grab my hand,I'll pull you out.
And it was huge.
It was huge, I'm telling you.
(25:13):
I cried a little bit.
It was massive, and it was thefirst time ever that I even
thought that the inner criticwas maybe in my corner.
And, my goodness, ever sincethat moment the inner critic
there's no two ways about itit's on my side and I can see it
now and I'm very apologetic tothis part that has done nothing
but try to protect me.
And if anything, it's the innercritic.
(25:34):
That's the one that's tried themost.
It's tried the hardest becauseit's always there and it's
always jabbering in my ear.
But I now know that it is there.
It's doing that because it'strying to protect me.
It's trying to protect me fromgetting ripped off by people,
essentially and when I sayripped off, I mean, like you
know, ragged on, you know, um,you know it's trying to help me
(25:57):
because it doesn't want me tolook like a failure in the
workplace.
It's trying to help me becauseit doesn't want me to be a
failure in my relationships andthe inner critic's just like.
The inner critic only knows whatit knows and it knows things
that maybe aren't right oraren't done as well as they
should be, and it knows thatthose are weaknesses.
(26:18):
They have potential spots ofweakness where you know people
could say things about me.
Or I'll have a, you know I'llfall apart in a relationship or
in previously that is notanymore, of course or I'll stuff
up at work.
You know the inner critic, yes,it is constantly on my back
(26:39):
because it only knows that itneeds to just keep on me so I
don't do anything.
Stupid is essentially what it'sdoing, and it's like man, I bet
and this is what I sort of toldme was this part.
This is the first time I'dcommunicated with it on this
level.
But it said to me listen, mate,I've been there from the start.
I've been there from when, youknow you didn't quite fit in
(27:00):
properly as a toddler at playgroup and you were really shy at
play group, which I didn'tremember, but I now do.
You know the inner critic wasthere Because you've got to
remember when I was in year oneor year, two or whatever.
I was five or six years old.
I'm thinking to myself on themonkey bars.
I don't want to live a lifewhere I'm anxious all the time.
And what was also going on thenwas this inner critic was
(27:22):
starting to form, because evenback then as a youngster there
were moments where I could seethat I didn't quite fit in and I
was doing things.
Maybe that didn't quite help memoving forward.
I didn't really know it verywell, only in a very immature
sense back then, but I knew wellenough that I could come to
(27:43):
that really clear cognitivethought that I don't want to
live a life where I'm nervousall the time.
My inner critic basically saidback then although it was very
much in its infancy, as I was aswell, but it basically said all
right, all right, I'm going todo what I need to do so you
don't live a life where you'restressed all the time.
So that's what it has done overthe years and unfortunately the
(28:07):
way in which it's gone about ithas been quite difficult.
But the reason, or a big partof it, is because I do not sort
of gel in this world very well,very easily, and my inner critic
knows that.
It knows, elliot, you're a bitdifferent mate.
It knew I was different beforeI knew I was different.
It knew my potential, say,social shortcomings a long time
(28:30):
before I did.
He could see how shy I was inplaygroup and how that might
become a problem later on.
And it was the inner critic thatreally drove in my teenage
years that change in the waythat I acted.
I went from being sort of quietand reserved to being this
obnoxious, boisterous, loudindividual who, because my inner
(28:53):
critic said you know, have alook around, who are the ones
that are getting the girls?
Who are the ones that aregetting invited to the parties?
It's the loud, obnoxious,boisterous ones.
And my inner critic said youare not that and you know what?
If you want to succeed in thisworld, you know you need to be
that and I'm going to make youthat.
And the inner critic has donethat and I always look down on
(29:16):
it for doing that over the yearsand being like you know damn,
why did it push me into changing?
You know how I acted and allthis sort of stuff.
Like looking back now.
It's like it's easy now lookingback.
But my inner critic was theresaying look, I'm looking around
and this is what I'm seeing andyou're seeing it as well,
obviously, because, remember,the inner critic is still part
of the self.
So I know I'm talking about itseparately, but for a moment
(29:41):
trying to imagine the innercritic's not really separate.
So I'm seeing the self, I'mseeing that I'm not getting
invited to these parties, right?
So the inner critic within isalso seeing it through my eyes,
because we work in tandem, eventhough sometimes it's like we
work separately.
And the inner critic said right, we need to change our approach
because this ain't working,mate, this ain't working.
(30:02):
You want friends?
It ain't happening.
So you know, it was a real huge, that was a real light bulb
moment, let me tell you it was.
And I still can't believe.
Don't get me wrong.
Has my inner critic always donethe right thing by me?
No, I don't think so, but ithas always done what it thinks
is best.
(30:23):
And unfortunately, because ofthese mental illnesses that I
have BPD being such a greatexample of that, because it
really ruins your self-esteemand your view of the self and
the body image stuff plays intoBPD, bpd and the inner critic
are very much intertwined and myinner critic has unfortunately
(30:44):
been twisted a little bit by myBPD and by my autism and by my
OCD and these obsessions and byall these anxieties the social
anxiety as well, has been a hugepart.
They have twisted my innercritic and they have created
these other sub parts of mineout of their pathology, if that
(31:07):
makes sense.
So these sub parts of mine area response to this mental
pathology.
So the inner critic is aresponse to the overall general
not fitting in sort of mentalpathology that has handicapped
me socially.
In that way, the 16-year-oldloose cannon is a direct result
of borderline personalitydisorder, 100%, 100%.
(31:32):
The cognitive overthinker isvery much a direct result of OCD
, these obsessions andcompulsions that I have about
different things, but also is adirect result of the autism too,
because I do think differentlyand I think maybe I think about
certain things more than othersmaybe do.
And there's that overthinkingcomponent because this autistic
(31:56):
brain of mine just does not stop, this ADHD brain of mine just
does not stop and, as a result,this workaholic this cognitive
overthinker has been, has comeout of it and I would say the
inner critic is like the chiefof the sub parts, it is the
number one and it has been theresince the start, definitely,
(32:16):
and I've now seen it in adifferent light, it's role, in a
different light, and now Iunderstand that it's just like
the other parts.
Just like the other parts, it'son my side, it's in my corner.
It's just tried to do the bestthat it's been able to with the
tools that it's got, just triedto do the best that it's been
able to with the tools that it'sgot and unfortunately, because
of these mental illnesses, myinner critic has gone.
(32:37):
You know, like you know, duringgrowth and puberty, my inner
critic was being injected withsteroids and it was BPD, it was
OCD, it was social anxiety,generalized anxiety, whatever.
All the autism, all the, allthe different, you know all the
different diagnoses I've got.
They were feeding this innercritic and just feeding it and
feeding it, my inner critic'sgoing holy dooly.
(32:59):
Well, if I'm to overcome allthis, I've just got to be the
most rigid.
You know, I've just got to rideElliot constantly, just ride
him and ride him, because if Idon't, then there will be an
opportunity for these mentalillnesses and for this world
that he's operating in andtrying his best, but it isn't
cut out.
He's not cut out for this world.
(33:20):
Let's be honest.
This is what my inner critic isthinking.
If I drop the ball here andlower the intensity, that's when
people are going to get him,and that's the huge problem.
We do not want people to gethim like they did during high
school, for example.
So my inner critic was therewhen I was younger, but it was
(33:41):
high school, as we're going todiscover more which is really
what brought on all of these subparts, what really brought on
these mental illnesses andbrought them to light and what
really has caused a lot of theproblems that I deal with today,
unfortunately.
So, anyway, so that's half anhour of I'm about.
I'm basically doing a full hourof the therapy session, word, no
(34:04):
, not word for word, but this isdragging on a little bit.
So I'm going to try and wrap itup because there is going to be
a part two.
But then, right at the end ofthe session, something else
happened which was very, veryinteresting, and it happened at
the end of the session and thiswas definitely carried over to
(34:25):
the next one.
And she said because I, in thatmoment, I wasn't able to get
out of the tunnel.
So back to the tunnel.
All my sub parts are at the topand at this point, because I
knew that when I went home fromthis therapy session, I was
going back to bed.
But I also knew I'd broken thecycle this time.
So I'd go back home, I'dprobably sleep till the next
morning, but I knew that I'd beokay.
I just knew I'd be able, I'dsnap that cycle.
(34:47):
This wasn't going to go backinto hibernation mode, this was
just Elliot needs to have a bitof a lay down because this is
full on Um and we'll try againtomorrow.
But we will try again tomorrow.
So I knew that, um, I was goingto get out of the tunnel and I
was going to, you know, climbthat very shiny offensive ladder
that was in there, that that Ihad to climb, which represented,
(35:09):
you know, the tools that I haveat my disposal, that even that
is often overwhelming.
But at the end, yeah.
So I never got out of thetunnel.
In this scenario, I never gotout of the tunnel.
My psychologist actually saidcan you invite the parts into
the tunnel with you?
And we decided as a group agroup being me and my parts we
(35:34):
conferred very quickly, um, andwe decided no, that wasn't a
good idea, because we don't wantany more of Elliot in the
tunnel, in the hole, in thatdamp hole.
You know the fact that the selfis in there, that's enough.
That's enough.
We do not want the rest of theparts to jump in as well,
because then good luck to you,you ain't getting out because
(35:55):
you ain't getting out, andthat's right.
I would not be getting outbecause it's these sub parts
that are protecting me, that arealso the ones that are going to
help me climb that ladder andget out into the bright world
and then proceed forward untilthe next hibernation mode, until
I get that all sorted.
But that was very poignant,that was huge, that was huge.
But then, right at the end,right at the end I promise this
(36:18):
is the last point, but right atthe end, this was just as big.
And this is what fueled part two, or will fuel part two, when I
tell you all about it, and thatis the fact that there was this
other random memory just poppedinto my head because we were
sort of thinking a bit about howthe inner critic has probably
been there for so long and allthis stuff.
(36:38):
And you know, trying to thinkback, um, you know where.
You know the 16 year old self.
Elliot, you talk a lot abouthigh school and stuff.
You know, um, are there anyother parts, maybe from back
then that are that?
Because I sort of I forgot tomention this bit, but I could
see in my vision to me likethere were the.
My sub parts were at the edge,you know, the lip of the hole of
(37:01):
the tunnel, the top of theladder, but it looked like to me
, but it wasn't very clear.
The detail wasn't there, butthere might've been some other
people or other parts standingbehind the front row of the
parts that are known, maybe someunknown parts that are there as
well.
I just haven't uncovered themyet.
So in my vision, the parts,these parts were gray, they were
(37:24):
grayed out and it's hard todescribe because in my mind's
eye I'd never be able to draw apicture of what I was seeing.
But that was like my sub partsthat I knew about.
They were in the light, andthen the sub parts that maybe
was there but I hadn't uncoveredyet.
They seemed really gray andsort of in the shadows a bit
more, um, but then this othersub part came up.
(37:46):
So I've spoken a lot about the16 year old, but then this 15
year old self come up and I waslike, whoa man, this is huge.
Because as soon as this 15 yearold revealed itself, this memory
of me going to the movies, itcome back so clear, so vivid,
like I could feel it within,like the pit of my stomach.
(38:08):
I was like ho ho, yes, this 15year old self, I know you very,
very well and I knew that thisself, this, this part of the
self, hang on, this sub part, um, I knew this sub part carried
straight away.
I was like, right, you carry alot of trauma.
I can feel it in the pit of mystomach straight away and I know
(38:32):
where we're going back to,because I can feel this as clear
as day.
And straight away I was like,yep, I know this movie's cinema
idea, this memory of going tothe movies.
I know exactly where this isleading straight away.
Honestly, I haven't thoughtabout this memory and I do a lot
of ruminating, a lot ofruminating about the past, and I
(38:53):
haven't thought of this memoryin years like 10 years, 15 years
, I reckon at least.
Yeah, I'd completely forgottenthat this happened, but straight
away, boom, it was like someoneflicked the switch and I was
there.
I was back there again.
So what I'm going to do,because this episode is nearing
(39:14):
40 minutes, if you're stilllistening.
Thank you so much, thank you,thank you, thank you, and if
you're finding this reallyinteresting, please reach out
and let me know.
Because, yeah, to me, this blewmy mind, but I'm going to save
this memory that come back tomind at the cinemas.
I'm going to save this for thenext episode, because a lot of
the next therapy session it wasvery much about the movie
(39:37):
theater, the movie cinemas.
This particular Saturdayafternoon when I went to the
movies, there was eight of us,four boys, four girls, and we
were there because Elliot wastrying to put the moves on who
would eventually become hisfirst girlfriend.
But it was a veryanxiety-provoking event and
(39:58):
there's trauma associated andthere's a little bit to unpack.
But I'm telling you, if youfind this sort of stuff
interesting because this15-year-old self is not the
16-year-old self.
I always thought the16-year-old, the loose cannon,
sort of covered all my sort ofhigh school years no, no,
(40:19):
there's this 15-year-old selfthat is before all the getting
ripped off and the trauma andall this has occurred and all
the bullying and the peerpressure, and there's this
innocent, innocent, beautiful,15, 14 year old self that hasn't
been, you know, hasn't beentarnished by the world just yet.
(40:40):
And I still have my innocenceat this point.
And again I got very emotionalthinking about it because I feel
so sorry for this part.
And now I know that the 14, 15year old self, the 16 year old
self, grew as a response to whatthat 15, 14 year old self had
to go through.
(41:00):
And it's so sad, it's so sad.
I think back.
You know it's very much.
It's a little bit like innerchild sort of stuff.
Like, you know, it's very much,it's a little bit like inner
child sort of stuff.
The inner child was also inthis vision.
But again, I'll save that forthe next episode, the next
episode dysregulated podcast.
(41:20):
But the like I felt, the samesort of sadness that I feel for
my inner child, that I did forthis 14, 15 year old self, which
I'm going to come up with abetter name for it at some point
.
But at the moment that's how Iknow this part.
As you know, it's just sadbecause this poor, innocent,
lovely boy, and that's all I was.
I was just a boy, you know, Iwas being.
Again, I don't want to go toomuch into it.
(41:42):
But you know, I was sort ofbeing guided into this world of
girls and sex and and howimportant it was, and I, this
poor boy, just wasn't ready.
I just want to play with mytrains and watch trains and and
look at trucks and support theknights and and that's the thing
.
This, this part, is still ahuge component I've now
(42:03):
discovered and it all happenedvery quickly in this therapy
session but this part is still ahuge part of the self and I'm
glad that it is, because that'sa great part.
This 14, 15 year old self, likeyep, look, he's a bit green, you
know he has a bit of a cleanskin didn't really know how the
world operate.
I was sort of getting batteredfrom pillar to post but I still
had my smile then Things wasstill smiling.
(42:26):
I had hope I was a really niceyoung kid.
I really was.
Unfortunately, high school andsome other factors that
predisposed all of this thatunfortunately created the
perfect storm.
I'm talking even things likegenetics and stuff like biology,
(42:47):
neurochemistry, as well asmaybe my environment growing up
and then definitely high school,was what really really hammered
this home.
But this poor kid, I'll tellyou, he was just doing his best
and, man, until I got twistedand chewed up and spat out, I
was doing pretty good for a kidthat had autism and ADHD and the
(43:09):
beginnings of borderlinepersonality.
I didn't realize at the time andit had manifested at 14, 15,
but by 16, it certainly had.
So the beginnings of BPD werestarting to swell.
I had no idea.
I had no idea, I didn't evenknow at this point that, because
I knew life was really hard andit seemed this is probably a
(43:29):
story for another day, but Iremember I used to think that
life seemed to be people seem tobe happier than I was Because I
knew within myself I was sortof putting it on a bit, I was
faking it a bit even back thenand I didn't think that other
people seem to be doing that.
And even as a 14, 15 year old Ihad no idea what mental health
was, mental illness.
We didn't have black dogpresenters such as myself coming
(43:52):
to school, you know, in year 10and year nine, like I do now to
the schools.
And that's why I do it, becauseI do it for the poor kid that
was like me, you know, and Iwant to sort of help the kids,
you know, now at school and belike, look, I'm not going to
have all the answers in my, youknow, one hour presentation I do
for the Institute, but maybeI'll start to get you thinking a
(44:15):
bit about this sort of stuff,because it took me until I got
the trauma to start thinkingabout it.
And if we can get peoplethinking about before that, you
know we can have some reallyresilient people that can push
back against those things, thosenegatives of the world, before
it gets too much.
And then, you know, others haveto intervene and you know, and
(44:35):
that's a big part of whatmotivates me to do all this sort
of stuff because, yeah, thatpoor 14, 15 year old self of me,
he was a great kid, he was alovely boy of me, he was a great
kid, he was a lovely boy andyou know I really tried hard to
be a nice person, do the rightthings.
And yeah, I don't know, it'sjust sad because that poor, poor
kid unfortunately went througha bit of stuff and then, you
(44:59):
know I, I had to it spawned allthese sub parts which again were
a direct response to this, thispathology, um, and and they've
also done their best to try andkeep me on the straight and
narrow.
But you know what chance did wehave, as we'll find out, um, in
more episodes of the podcast.
(45:20):
But this is a huge one.
I know this is a big episode, Iknow.
Thank you everybody forlistening.
I do appreciate it.
But like this was huge man,like huge.
The fact that that memorypopped up right at the end is a
big episode, I know.
Thank you everybody forlistening.
I do appreciate it.
But like this was huge man,like huge the fact that that
memory popped up right at theend.
I said to my psychologist.
I said, oh, look, this is goingto be a big one for next time,
because I didn't have anappointment book for the week
after, because it's costing somuch money.
(45:41):
But I actually rang up and said, look, I want to really hit
this while the iron's hot, youknow, strike while the iron's
hot, you know, hit this whileit's really going, because I
think this is one of thosebreakthrough moments.
So get me another appointmentnext week if you can.
Let's dive into it again.
And that's exactly what we didon Monday Today being Wednesday,
(46:01):
two days ago and that's whatI'm going to talk about on the
next part B of the therapyreflections of this series, of
this particular episode.
What are we up to?
10, 9, 10, I think it is.
So part B is going to be acontinuation on from this and it
gets even deeper but it getseven better, it gets even more
insightful.
(46:22):
But the main takeaways from thisone was well.
The main takeaways from thisone was well.
The main take was that memorythat has now there's all these
offshoots of memories from thisparticular memory and that's
like right, there's a lot therethat there's trauma in that that
I didn't even think of, that'sbeen just just burying itself in
my psyche for years and yearsand years I forgot it was even
(46:43):
there.
But also the fact that I cannow see clearly that the world
is a bit too bright and yearsand years I forgot it was even
there.
But also the fact that I cannow see clearly that the world
is a bit too bright and it istoo bright and what it's like
when I'm in these hibernationmodes.
You know, down in the tunnel,in the damp tunnel, like I can
feel it now.
I can feel this furtherunderstanding and in true Elliot
(47:05):
style, it's got to be a bitabstract, it's got to sort of
not make sense.
To make sense, um, and that'sexactly what's happened here, um
, with the tunnel and the top ofthe tunnel and the ladder being
shiny itself, and then theworld being shiny, but then also
the.
The probably the biggesttakeaway, though, was was that
my sub parts, my inner parts,they're all at the top, they're
(47:26):
all trying to, you know, get meout of the hole and get me into
the world, and they're like look, elliot, we're going to protect
you.
We know it's bright, we've gota pair of sunglasses for you,
walk with us, we'll look afteryou.
That's essentially what they'resaying, but the huge thing, or
the other, the big thing, thebiggest thing for me, though,
the big thing, the biggest thingfor me, though, was that my
inner critic was one of thosesupporters.
(47:46):
It was one of those reallygreat supporters.
It was the one that was in themiddle, because it's been there
the longest, it's been there thewhole time.
It's the chief of all mysub-parts, my inner parts, and
although, man, he rides me likenothing else, I know that it's
all out of the goodness, youcould say, of my inner critic's
(48:06):
heart.
My inner critic has one goal,and one goal only, and that is
to protect me and to see mesucceed, and it is doing the
best job that it can.
It just can be quiteoverwhelming at times.
I just need to get to the pointwhere my inner critic trusts me
, the self, to say, look, hangon a second, just back down a
little bit.
Just trust me.
Trust me the self to say, look,hang on a second, just back
(48:27):
down a little bit.
Just trust me, trust me on this.
I think I've got this, you know, follow me.
Where's all the other sub-parts?
Where's all the other innerparts?
Come on, inner critic, 14,15-year-old self.
I know you're in the loose canand the 16-year-old got a lot to
talk about, but come on, followme.
I swear you know I've got theright way to do these things,
and if I don't, I know you guyswill jump in for me anyway.
(48:47):
But just let me have a chance,let me have a go Bit of
breathing space, you know.
But yeah, but the fact that theinner critic is actually a
positive influence on my lifeand not this huge negative that
I have always associated it with, that was huge.
That was huge, but it gets evenbigger.
The next therapy session I hadand I'm so glad I had it so soon
(49:09):
that I booked in the week later.
Yeah, it's sending me broke,but man, this was big stuff.
This was big stuff.
So anyway, that'll do.
That'll do for this episode.
Thank you everybody once againfor listening.
I do appreciate it.
If you've enjoyed this episodeor got any questions about
internal family, you probably dohave questions, potentially, if
you're not aware of internalfamily systems therapy before,
(49:34):
because I haven't probably donea great job of explaining it,
and I'm going to do that.
I will.
I just need to find the time toreally knuckle down and really
drill into it, because I'm stilllearning.
I'm still learning Everysession I have with my therapist
.
I'm learning more and moreabout the therapy itself, how it
can affect me.
But then of course, I've got totry and think about okay, but
(49:54):
how does this then affect otherpeople and how can I explain it
to other people?
That's in a way that'sunderstandable and digestible,
and that's the hard part, and Ihaven't quite got that nailed
down yet.
But as soon as I do, I'm goingto, I'll let you all know.
There'll be an episode.
I'll explain it all as clearlyas I can and maybe this will be
a bit clearer as well.
But, but I hope I did get across, though, that these, you know
(50:16):
these inner parts, like they'rereal, let me tell you, they are
real, definitely, and they pulla lot of the strings and they're
only doing it to try and helpme and protect me.
But they just need a bit oftrust when it comes to me, the
self, being able to be theconductor.
You know of the orchestra youcould say, of all these
(50:37):
different parts, but you knowthey've seen the self, me, make
some mistakes along the way.
They're like well, you know,elliot, you know this has
happened in the past.
We don't want that happeningagain.
That was terrible.
You know, like I don't know ifwe can trust you with this one.
But yeah, that's that's theargument that I've got to build
from within to say that, no, no,you can trust me because we've
(50:59):
done the work, we've all donethe work together.
You've, you've been there whenI've done the work.
You know the understanding ofthe world now that I have.
Please, trust me.
Trust me, please, and bringthose sunglasses, because, my
God, it is bright out here.
It is so bright, which makes somuch sense with the way that I
live my life, because everythingI try and do.
(51:20):
I try and do at night, and evennow I'm doing a podcast episode
now at quarter past 10 at night,because it's dark and I feel
safe.
I feel safe.
The world has quietened down abit, everyone's sort of at home
going to bed.
Finally I get some peace and itmakes complete sense as to why
I try and do everything at nightbecause the world's too bright.
And now I've seen it so clearlyfrom my right brain.
(51:43):
It just makes so much sense tome.
It does, and I was like, yeah,I am in this tunnel when I'm
hibernating and I don't want tocrawl out because it is so
bright, so let's just roll overit's damp in here.
The walls are so close, I'mgetting claustrophobic, but, man
, it still feels safer thanbeing out there.
But that's what my inner partsare doing.
They're trying to convince meof the fact that, no, no, we can
(52:06):
do this.
And this is what I need tobelieve within myself as well.
No, no, we can do this.
It's bright, but here's thesunnies.
Put some sunnies on.
We've got this, we can do this.
All right, that'll do.
Thank you everybody.
I can't wait to bring the parttwo because if you enjoyed
hearing this sort of insightinto my therapy.
(52:27):
The next one is just asinteresting, I think, and a lot
of great improvements are goingto be made, I think, from these
two.
It won't be straight away, butI think give it time, I'll look
back and go.
Yeah, these two therapysessions were pivotal, no
question about that.
So yeah, but if you've got anyquestions about internal family
systems therapy, please feelfree to let me know on Instagram
(52:50):
at elliotttwaters, if you'vegot some.
I don't know if maybe you'vegone through something similar
yourself.
You know, because a lot of youlistening probably have done or
are doing internal familysystems therapy or schema
therapy.
Maybe there's parts involved inthat too.
You too.
A few different things, notjust IFS that do this, but IFS
does it the best, I think, or atleast for me.
(53:11):
But maybe you've got your own16-year-old loose cannons or
workaholics that are just makingyour work to the bone because
that's the only way it knows howto protect you.
Maybe you've got similar partsor different parts as well, but
they're doing the same sort ofthing.
Feel free to let me know.
I'd love to hear it because, youknow, at times I still feel
(53:32):
alone on this journey as well,and I still think, man, no one,
no one's going, no one's doingwhat I'm doing.
Who on earth is going on about,you know, workaholics and
cognitive overthinkers?
Like that's crazy talk, man,that's crazy.
But I don't think it's as crazyas I first thought.
I actually think it makes a lotof sense and it's actually very
sensible to have these parts,and if you've got these sub
(53:53):
parts, you're very, very lucky.
So, but anyway, until next time.
Thank you for listeningeverybody.
If you're enjoying the show,feel free to like, subscribe,
give the show a great rating,and you can share it around with
your mates, please do.
If you think you know someonewho might get some sort of
benefit out of this, please passthe show on.
That would be great and theycan have a bit of a listen.
(54:13):
They can reach out to me aswell on Instagram or whatever,
and we'll come up with somethingthat way as well.
So please, yes, please, shareit around if you could.
But until next time.
Thank you for listening to theDysregulated podcast and I can't
wait to bring you part B of mytherapy reflection.
I'll see you soon.
Bye-bye.
G'day everybody.
My name is Elliot Waters andyou're listening to the
Dysregulated Podcast, as always.
Thank you for tuning in.
Right, Today's episode is thenext in the my Therapy
Reflection Series and let metell you there's a bit to
reflect on.
So this is how it's going towork there's going to be part A,
which is this episode, andthere's going to be part B.
So part A looks at a therapysession I had a fortnight ago
(00:35):
and all the reflections on thatand all the conclusions that
were drawn and the interestingnew insights that were gained.
And then part B is going to beabout the therapy session I've
just had this week on Monday,today being Wednesday night.
So because you could squeezethem both together, these two
(00:56):
therapy sessions, and they wouldjust be continuous, it'd be
beautiful.
They flow perfectly from thefirst to the second one.
So that's why I'm going to doit as this sort of part A, part
B, instead of a separatereflection sort of episode,
because they're very muchintrinsically linked, I believe,
(01:18):
and that's how I want to tryand present the events here
today, here on the podcast, andwhen I do the part B episode,
which hopefully I'll do not longafter this one.
So part A.
Now there's been a bit of time.
I had to have a bit of time tothink about it.
Some details have as it whichalways happens with therapy you
(01:41):
can't remember every littlething that was said,
unfortunately.
Well, at least if you're likeme, you can't.
I certainly can't rememberevery little thing that was said
, unfortunately, well, at leastif you're like me, you can't, I
certainly can't.
So part A is going to be I'mgoing to try and make it as
detailed as possible of as muchdetail that I have at hand, if
that makes sense.
So I did think about writingnot writing, sorry well, writing
and recording this episodestraight after the particular
(02:04):
therapy session a fortnight agoI'm talking about.
But I chose not to because Ireally needed to think some of
the things through and get myhead around it first before I
presented it in some sort ofdigestible form to you guys here
on the podcast.
So I wanted to do it justice, Iwanted to do it properly.
So I've taken a bit of time tohave a think about it and think
(02:26):
about the things that came upand um, but now I think I'm
ready to present the findings,the the important details that
were uncovered, and go fromthere Cause it.
You know it's gonna.
This is the thing.
This is the thing.
As we know, I'm a very complexcase.
So this isn't CBT sort oftherapy stuff.
This is internal family systemstherapy and this is EMDR.
(02:52):
So two very different therapiesthat are not like CBT at all,
not even like DBT really either.
And it's hard to explain what Iuncover because it is so
imaginative.
It's very much right brain.
(03:13):
You know there's not.
You know like I'm going to betalking about the parts.
You know, the cognitiveoverthinker, the inner critic,
the workaholic, the 16-year-oldloose cannon, my inner parts,
and there's a few more that havepopped up since as well.
To someone who maybe doesn'thave much experience with
internal family systems therapyin particular, it might sound a
(03:35):
bit weird, a bit like a fantasysort of thing.
But let me tell you these partsare as real as anything that I
know that is real.
These parts are as real asanything that I know that is
real.
Like it's unbelievable, thistherapy, how it can use, you
know, use your imagination tocome up with these constructs
(03:57):
which then fit into the subparts that have, that then
represent some really core sortof beliefs about the self, and
then you can actually talk tothese parts as well and then
move on and have the parts withyou and you're all on the same
team and it's pretty hecticstuff.
And I really needed to do anepisode just a basic one on IFS
(04:18):
internal family systems therapy,because it's a beauty but it is
hard to get your head around,especially if you're just going
into it for the first time intherapy.
It sounds weird, it sounds likeweird voodoo sort of stuff.
But I'm telling you, I'mtelling you, give it a shot
because well, for me at least,as I said, there's nothing more
real in my world than my parts,my sub parts, those sub
(04:41):
components which make up mypsyche, which, theoretically,
are all aligned with the self.
You know, the actual self thatshould have the hands on the
steering wheel.
But as you learn in thistherapy and I think I've
probably got this point acrossalready in some of the previous
Therapy Reflections episodes,but as you learn, you know often
(05:02):
it's not you behind the drivingwheel.
You know, like, think about ifyou're trying a diet for the
first time, you know, and howdifficult it is to diet.
Well, you know, if it was theself calling the shots, it'd be
easy because you just do it.
But there's these other parts ofplay that you know force you to
do different things, and that'snot the greatest example.
(05:23):
I think the better examples arethe ones I'm about to give now
about my own personal experience.
Um, but there's all thesedifferent parts that are
jockeying for position.
Um, across the podcast, I'veI've I've stated this case that
within me there's thesedifferent disorders that are
jockeying for position.
Um, but there's certainly thesesub parts that are jockeying
for position, but there'scertainly these sub parts that
(05:45):
are jockeying for position aswell.
Now, whether you want to callthem parts and you know alter
egos, or or just you know adifferent I don't know
manifestation of the self,however you want to call it,
whatever you want to call it,the fact of the matter is the
psyche is very complex and thereisn't just one single sort of
(06:06):
person that's calling the shotshere.
That's just not how it works,unfortunately.
But what is exciting is thatyou can get into these sub parts
if you do internal familysystems therapy and you can
really learn so much aboutyourself, and then you can
really get a hold of these partswhich are only trying to do
their best and say right, stickwith me, trust me, me as the
(06:28):
self.
I've got this.
But you guys have been lookingafter me.
You guys have been protectingme, because that's what they're
doing.
These sub parts, you know, theworkaholic is just doing it to
protect me.
My inner critic even now.
I have now seen, which I'llexplain more about in a minute I
now understand how my innercritic may be actually on my
(06:48):
side and my inner critic is onlydoing what it's doing because
it wants to keep the self safe.
And it sounds again.
Maybe it sounds a bit fanciful,I'm not sure, but I'm telling
you this stuff is as real as itgets, so let's get into it
anyway.
So, therapy session, the one afortnight ago, I'll try and
remember.
This stuff is as real as itgets, so let's get into it
anyway.
So, therapy session, the one afortnight ago, I'll try and
remember as much detail as I can, but I think the main points
(07:11):
I'm pretty much across andthat's what I'll try and get
across here in this episode, andthen we're going to build on
these sorts of uncoverings inthat episode.
Sorry, that therapy sessioncertainly built on this first
one and there is very much acontinuum between both.
So, anyway.
(07:31):
So my therapist said you knowhow's things going, as she
always does, and I usually say,oh, you know it's up and down,
but this particular time Ireally stressed the fact that
anxiety is causing massive.
This particular time I reallystressed the fact that anxiety
is causing massive, massiveproblems, massive problems.
And I knew this therapy sessionwas going to be interesting
because, you know, I do thewhole sleeping thing where I
(07:56):
sleep for like three days.
Well, this therapy session Ibooked this like this on purpose
actually interrupted one of thesleeping sort of episodes.
It interrupted it, which waspretty good, and I forced myself
although I did have to use somedexamphetamine to do it, but I
forced myself out of bed and Iforced myself to get to this
therapy session and I said thisto my psychologist.
(08:17):
I said you know, you've got mein a pretty raw and vulnerable
state, you know, right off thebat, without actually doing
anything, because I've pulledmyself out of this slumber, this
sleeping thing.
You know this recharging that Ido this escape from the world
to recharge those batteries.
I've got myself out of that.
(08:37):
I've ripped myself out of thatback into the light of the day,
which I'm going to talk moreabout in a minute and I'm here
sitting in therapy and I'm readyto go.
And I'll tell you, I'mvulnerable, I don't know what's
going to come out, butwhatever's coming out, it's
going to be the truth and it'sgoing to be nothing but the
truth, and I'm ready to go.
That's pretty much what I saidto her.
I said I'm freaking out.
I've been freaking out, youknow, all week, as often I do,
(09:01):
unfortunately, as every week Itend to freak out because, you
know, the world just shines toobrightly and that's what a big
part of this episode is going tobe about.
So, anyway, so we asked thequestion you know how's things
been, how's it been since youwere last here, and I say the
same thing, like I said, up anddown, and you know, I've been
(09:23):
very, very anxious.
You know, same old, sort ofsame old, um, and then we sort
of delved into things a bitdeeper and we and my
psychologist was like all right,are we ready to sort of pick up
where we left off?
Um, you know, talking to theparts and all that sort of stuff
, I said, yeah, yeah, I'm readyto go.
Um, I said, but I am feeling Iam I'm.
She said is there anything sortof coming to mind as we sit here
(09:45):
today and I thought you knowwhat there actually is.
I don't know if she could readit on my face or what, but I was
like there actually is.
I feel, like I said, becauseI've been sort of ripped out of
this slumber that I'm usually in, I feel like I'm at the top of
like a well, like a deep tunnel.
I'm at the top of the tunneland my head's just poking out
(10:06):
over the top and that's where Iam here sitting in therapy today
, because when I'm asleep inthat slumber I said, um, it
feels like I'm in this sort ofthis tunnel.
You know I'm in this tunnel.
I'm under the sheets, I'm underthe blankets.
You know the blinds are drawn,everything's as dark as I can
make it be.
I'm not hearing anything fromthe outside world because I'm in
(10:31):
this cocoon.
I'm in this tunnel that Icreate for myself in my bedroom,
which is full of darkness andterrible, depressing thoughts
and anxiety.
We know that I've had massiveproblems in this hole, in this
tunnel, where the dark thoughtshave got too much, and I've had
to go to hospital and I've hadthese massive panic attacks
where I'm dripping with sweatabsolutely going off my head,
(10:53):
this tunnel, I said to her.
I said the tunnel feels likeit's damp and there's no light
but to be, and it's really quiteconstricting as well, which I
think is related when I getreally sort of depressed, really
depressed like.
It feels like to me that thewalls are closing in.
And I said that it felt like Iwas at the bottom of this tunnel
(11:13):
and the walls had closed injust enough where I didn't get
crushed to death, but the wallswere right there.
And if I wanted to turn overyou know cause I'm sort of
laying down in this tunnel atthe bottom here if I want to
sort of roll over, you knowthere's not much room to do it
and it's real squishy and I'vegot to sort of.
You know, and, as I said, it'sdamp and the walls are so close,
(11:35):
I'm feeling reallyclaustrophobic, which in the
real world I do feel veryclaustrophobic.
And I do feel veryclaustrophobic especially when I
have the panic attacks, whenI'm in these sorts of moments,
these long slumbers where I'mescaping the world.
So anyway, so that's why I saidI said this is what it feels
like.
It feels like because with meI'm very imagery sort of based
(11:59):
I'm very right brain.
So this is very much a rightbrain sort of concoction, but it
makes sense and it certainlymakes sense to me.
I said I feel like that I'vebeen ripped out of my hole, out
of the tunnel.
I'm right at the top of thetunnel.
I haven't peered out of it yetbecause the light is so blinding
and bright that I just cannotclimb out of the tunnel, out of
(12:23):
this well, out of this hole inthe ground, because it's just
too bright.
It's too bright.
And again, that is veryreminiscent of me in the real
world because, especially when Icome out of these slumbers, you
know all my senses, they'redialed up to 11, you know what I
mean.
And especially, although Iwould say auditory, you know,
(12:45):
sensitivity is my biggest numberone when it comes to sensory
sensitivities.
Usually it's noise.
That's the thing for me.
But when I come out of thesesleeps, these slumber, this
hibernation period, everything'sso bright, everything is so
bright and moving too quickly.
And that's exactly what it feltlike in this, in this sort of
(13:08):
image I was bringing to mind.
That's the same thing.
I'm on the edge of this well,this hole, this tunnel, whatever
you want to call it and it'sjust too bright out there, I'm
not going out, I'm not going out, it's too bright, I'm not going
out, it's too bright.
So that in itself was prettyprofound, because now I have a
bit more of a psychologicalunderstanding of what these sort
(13:31):
of slumber things are all about.
You know, now I can sort ofvisualize what's going on when
I'm in bed for three days, youknow, barely drinking water, not
having any meds, like I know,and I've always sort of known
this.
But now I've put a picture toit that, yeah, it feels like I'm
down this tunnel and the wallsare so close to crushing me, but
(13:52):
they're just not quite, butthey're so bloody close, um, and
it's so hard for me to crawlout of this tunnel because it's
so goddamn bright out there.
And I was sitting in in thistherapy session and the window
behind my psychologist was thereand it was bright.
It was so bright middle of theday and I even said, even as I
(14:13):
sit here right now, it's toobright, everything's too bright,
and unfortunately there were noblinds or anything to try and
mitigate that as a problem forme.
But that's why I said, why Isaid I said in this vision, like
I'm not climbing out becauseit's too bright and scary.
And in the real world I'mtelling her like even driving
from my house to my psychologistit takes about 10, 15 minutes.
(14:35):
Even on that drive there I waswhite knuckling that sort of
thing.
It was white knuckled stuffjust holding on and everything
was too bright.
Everything was moving tooquickly.
And the same sort of patternoccurred when I got into the
therapy room as well.
It was the same thing.
It was just too bright.
Everything's too bright.
The world is too bright and thatsort of makes sense.
(14:55):
It makes sense from more of apsychological, scientific point
of view.
It makes sense from me havingautism.
It really does, because forpeople with autism often I don't
want to generalize here, butespecially in my case the world
as we know is not really set upfor the neurodivergent.
(15:17):
It's just not.
And for those of us withsensitivities, sensory
sensitivities the world is toobright or it's too loud, or
there's too many smells orthere's too many textures that
we have to come across Like.
The world is too much.
For people with autismAsperger's, if you want to go,
(15:39):
you know Asperger's, autism andmany other mental illnesses
especially for people with majordepressive disorder the world
is too bright and that disorderactually makes the world darker.
That's how terrible depressionis.
It literally makes the worlddarker and gray for people
because the world is too bright.
And for those of us with autismI'll tell you it is hard, hard
(16:02):
work, and it is.
The world is too bright,there's too many noises.
I can't handle it.
There's too much going on.
I've said before how difficultit is in the job that I have at
Bunnings Warehouse which, again,bunnings have been nothing but
so supportive, and one day I'mgoing to do an episode dedicated
to Bunnings and how greatthey've been for me.
But the truth of the matter isworking in the timber yard at a
(16:23):
busy Bunnings and how greatthey've been for me.
But the truth of the matter is,you know, working in the timber
yard at a busy Bunnings storeBunnings Guitar as I do here in
Newcastle, you know it'sconstantly talking to customers,
it's constantly hearingforklifts moving around and
although when I'm on theforklift itself, the world
becomes very singular for me,and it's actually really it's a
really great exercise inmindfulness and that's why I
(16:45):
think I'm quite a good forkliftoperator, arguably one of the
best in the company, for sure,but I am a good forklift
operator because the world doesgo quiet when I'm on that
forklift.
The world goes quiet and it'snot as bright because I'm
focusing on that pallet there'sgot to go in that racking there.
I'm focusing on that skid therewith some stock on it, there's
(17:07):
got to go in the back of thistruck.
You know what I mean.
The world becomes singular,it's not as bright, it's not as
loud.
I'm locked in.
But take me out of that seat,out of the hot seat of the
forklift.
And when I'm engaging withcustomers constantly and other
team members, and it's just, I'mtelling you, like you know, the
Bunnings radio is blaring and,like I said, there's trucks and
(17:27):
cars, there's kids yelling,there's dogs barking.
It's too bright, it's too loudand it's a really, really
difficult job for someone whosesocial capacity is or has
dwindled because the jobs.
I've been with Bunnings foreight years.
I don't want to go off topictoo much, but I've been with
Bunnings for eight years, um,and my social capacity
(17:48):
unfortunately, over those eightyears has dwindled and it's
becoming harder and harderbecause I just don't have the
ability to engage like I used to.
But I have to force myself.
You know cause you got to work,you know, I've got to pay for
all these psychologyappointments and stuff and all
these medications, so anyway.
So what I'm trying to say is theworld for people like me is too
(18:09):
bright as just a general rule.
Okay, so it's too bright, andthat's exactly what this image
that I was coming up with.
It was manifesting itself inthis image, this idea that the
world is too bright and that'sall well and good.
So that was really good, thatwas great, you know.
But there was this otherelement, there was another
element to it, there was anotherelement and and it really come
(18:31):
on strong and there was no doubtabout this.
And I said to my psychologist Iwas like, look, I just got to
just give me a minute, just justto, you know, cause she's
probing.
You know what's it look like?
You know, is there anyonestanding at the top of the hole
you know of the tunnel?
You know like, is there, isthere a ladder that goes to the
top?
I was like, yeah, yeah, there'sa ladder, there's a ladder and
(18:51):
it's, you know, it's in decentcondition.
So that tells me that, um, theimage is telling me that, you
know, I have the ability toclimb out of this, of this
tunnel, and that ladder isstrong and sturdy.
Pictured.
It represents, you know, theladder is my ability to be able
(19:12):
to overcome and get out of thehole, out of the tunnel.
And that ladder was strong, itwas sturdy, but it was also very
, very bright, very bright, andI thought that was very
interesting, that that at thetop of the hole it's bright at
the top of the tunnel, but it'salso really bright on the
implement that I need to use toget out of it.
(19:32):
So this whole process ofclimbing out of this tunnel is
just bright.
It's offensive and it hurts theeyes, it hurts the ears, it
hurts all the senses, exceptmaybe taste.
I don't know.
There wasn't much taste goingon, but you know what I mean.
So even my framework to get outof the tunnel, out of this
(19:55):
depressing sort of hibernationthat I go into, even the way in
which I have to do it, is reallytoo bright.
So I thought that was very,very interesting.
But then it got moreinteresting.
Can you believe it?
So, if you're still holding on,thank you.
I'm sort of rambling a bit, butI'm telling you this was very
profound, very profound, and thefact that I can now, you know,
(20:17):
this in itself, this part thatI've said already, the fact that
I can even imaginatively, eventhe fact that I can, you know,
get that image into mind of whatthis process is all about huge
step forward, huge step forward,um, and it's made the whole
process um, of potentiallyslipping into this hibernation
(20:40):
mode again, but it's made it alittle bit less scary because I
understand more about it now andI can sort of quantify it, you
know, and it's like right, I canqualify it too, I can
categorize it a bit, it's likeall right, so I can get a handle
of this.
You know, I know what this, Iknow what the picture is that
it's painting here.
I'm sort of all over this.
Now there's this psychologicalunderpinning to it as well.
(21:00):
This is great news and thatdoes not.
That emboldens you, it empowersyou and it's been a huge, it
was a huge breakthrough moment.
But there were more coming.
There were more coming and thisis what happened next.
So my psychologist said, youknow, she said about the ladder
and stuff, and and she said, isthere anyone at the top?
Um, you know, is there anyoneat the top of the tunnel?
(21:21):
Um, maybe, you know, telling,beckoning you to sort of climb
out.
You know, trying to cheer youon, I said holy dooly.
I said holy doley, there is,there is Now.
You might think maybe it'd belike my parents, or you know my
friends or my coworkers, or youknow people in my support
(21:41):
network and I have a supportnetwork and I'm a great support
network.
I'm so, so lucky and blessedand thank you to all of you who
are listening.
You know who you are but sorryto say, it was none of you guys.
Sorry, as good as you guys are,you guys were not the ones at
the top of the tunnel.
You know cheering me on, sayingElliot, come on, you can do this
(22:03):
.
I'm telling you, even talkingright now.
We're 20 minutes into thisepisode.
This is way longer than Iplanned, but still, this is I've
got to get it out there.
You know, because I'm almost,oh, I am.
I'm getting a bit choked upthinking about it, because at
the top of the, at the top ofthe hole of the tunnel, were
(22:23):
these sub parts of mine, the16-year-old loose cannon.
He was there going come on,elliot, you've got this, mate,
you've got this.
I was like holy dooly, thankyou for the support.
You know you're like I knew youwere in me corner, even though
you get me to do some naughtythings.
Like you know, I knew you werebacking me.
Thank you so much.
And then there's the workaholic,you know going, you know trying
(22:45):
to tell me it's all right, wegot you.
Man is huge, you know, holycrap.
And the cognitive overthinkers.
There too, I'm saying, like youknow, we'll think this through,
it's all right, come to the top, we'll think this through,
we'll come up with a plan.
I was like all right, this ispretty good.
You know, like this is, this isall so, so much.
(23:06):
And then you know who else wasthere.
There was, I'm forgetting, ohwell, well then, then then the
big one, the big one is who wasleft was and this is what I
couldn't believe, and this iswhat gets me a bit choked up a
bit, because I couldn't believeit.
But the inner critic was upthere, the inner critic.
(23:28):
Now, this whole time, this wholetime, for my whole life, ever
since I discovered the innercritic concept, I've always
thought the inner critic was myenemy, always, always.
And my psychologist said no, no, no, it's actually in your
corner.
You got to just like the otherparts of you, it's the same,
(23:49):
it's a protecting part as well.
It's just doing its thing.
I was like, nah, nah, I don'tbelieve it.
I don't believe it Because theinner critic never, ever has
anything positive to say andnever has.
I'm like, nah, I'm sorry, likea part that has nothing positive
to say ever.
How on earth can that part bein my corner?
(24:11):
I can't, I cannot imagine thatand I refuse to believe it.
Basically, that's what I wassaying.
I've said for so long, you know,even through this internal
family systems therapy process,which has been so enlightening
up until this point.
You know, I'm sorry, the innercritic is not in my corner and I
need to quieten it as much as Ican.
(24:31):
And I've said in my black dogpresentations I would quieten it
as much as I can.
And I've said in my Black Dogpresentations, I would have said
it in episodes gone by here onthe podcast as well the inner
critic is not my friend, it ismy foe, and I've got to figure
out a way to shut it up for good.
And then I'll say to mypsychologist I was rattling them
off, loose cannons there.
16-year-old, the workaholic, thecognitive overthinker, they're
all there.
You know this is unbelievable.
(24:52):
But the inner critic was theretoo and it was the one that was
really like mate, mate, I've gotyou.
You got to trust me for once,but I've got you, I'm looking
after you.
I'm telling you, grab my hand,I'll pull you out.
And it was huge.
It was huge, I'm telling you.
(25:13):
I cried a little bit.
It was massive, and it was thefirst time ever that I even
thought that the inner criticwas maybe in my corner.
And, my goodness, ever sincethat moment the inner critic
there's no two ways about itit's on my side and I can see it
now and I'm very apologetic tothis part that has done nothing
but try to protect me.
And if anything, it's the innercritic.
(25:34):
That's the one that's tried themost.
It's tried the hardest becauseit's always there and it's
always jabbering in my ear.
But I now know that it is there.
It's doing that because it'strying to protect me.
It's trying to protect me fromgetting ripped off by people,
essentially and when I sayripped off, I mean, like you
know, ragged on, you know, um,you know it's trying to help me
(25:57):
because it doesn't want me tolook like a failure in the
workplace.
It's trying to help me becauseit doesn't want me to be a
failure in my relationships andthe inner critic's just like.
The inner critic only knows whatit knows and it knows things
that maybe aren't right oraren't done as well as they
should be, and it knows thatthose are weaknesses.
(26:18):
They have potential spots ofweakness where you know people
could say things about me.
Or I'll have a, you know I'llfall apart in a relationship or
in previously that is notanymore, of course or I'll stuff
up at work.
You know the inner critic, yes,it is constantly on my back
(26:39):
because it only knows that itneeds to just keep on me so I
don't do anything.
Stupid is essentially what it'sdoing, and it's like man, I bet
and this is what I sort of toldme was this part.
This is the first time I'dcommunicated with it on this
level.
But it said to me listen, mate,I've been there from the start.
I've been there from when, youknow you didn't quite fit in
(27:00):
properly as a toddler at playgroup and you were really shy at
play group, which I didn'tremember, but I now do.
You know the inner critic wasthere Because you've got to
remember when I was in year oneor year, two or whatever.
I was five or six years old.
I'm thinking to myself on themonkey bars.
I don't want to live a lifewhere I'm anxious all the time.
And what was also going on thenwas this inner critic was
(27:22):
starting to form, because evenback then as a youngster there
were moments where I could seethat I didn't quite fit in and I
was doing things.
Maybe that didn't quite help memoving forward.
I didn't really know it verywell, only in a very immature
sense back then, but I knew wellenough that I could come to
(27:43):
that really clear cognitivethought that I don't want to
live a life where I'm nervousall the time.
My inner critic basically saidback then although it was very
much in its infancy, as I was aswell, but it basically said all
right, all right, I'm going todo what I need to do so you
don't live a life where you'restressed all the time.
So that's what it has done overthe years and unfortunately the
(28:07):
way in which it's gone about ithas been quite difficult.
But the reason, or a big partof it, is because I do not sort
of gel in this world very well,very easily, and my inner critic
knows that.
It knows, elliot, you're a bitdifferent mate.
It knew I was different beforeI knew I was different.
It knew my potential, say,social shortcomings a long time
(28:30):
before I did.
He could see how shy I was inplaygroup and how that might
become a problem later on.
And it was the inner critic thatreally drove in my teenage
years that change in the waythat I acted.
I went from being sort of quietand reserved to being this
obnoxious, boisterous, loudindividual who, because my inner
(28:53):
critic said you know, have alook around, who are the ones
that are getting the girls?
Who are the ones that aregetting invited to the parties?
It's the loud, obnoxious,boisterous ones.
And my inner critic said youare not that and you know what?
If you want to succeed in thisworld, you know you need to be
that and I'm going to make youthat.
And the inner critic has donethat and I always look down on
(29:16):
it for doing that over the yearsand being like you know damn,
why did it push me into changing?
You know how I acted and allthis sort of stuff.
Like looking back now.
It's like it's easy now lookingback.
But my inner critic was theresaying look, I'm looking around
and this is what I'm seeing andyou're seeing it as well,
obviously, because, remember,the inner critic is still part
of the self.
So I know I'm talking about itseparately, but for a moment
(29:41):
trying to imagine the innercritic's not really separate.
So I'm seeing the self, I'mseeing that I'm not getting
invited to these parties, right?
So the inner critic within isalso seeing it through my eyes,
because we work in tandem, eventhough sometimes it's like we
work separately.
And the inner critic said right, we need to change our approach
because this ain't working,mate, this ain't working.
(30:02):
You want friends?
It ain't happening.
So you know, it was a real huge, that was a real light bulb
moment, let me tell you it was.
And I still can't believe.
Don't get me wrong.
Has my inner critic always donethe right thing by me?
No, I don't think so, but ithas always done what it thinks
is best.
(30:23):
And unfortunately, because ofthese mental illnesses that I
have BPD being such a greatexample of that, because it
really ruins your self-esteemand your view of the self and
the body image stuff plays intoBPD, bpd and the inner critic
are very much intertwined and myinner critic has unfortunately
(30:44):
been twisted a little bit by myBPD and by my autism and by my
OCD and these obsessions and byall these anxieties the social
anxiety as well, has been a hugepart.
They have twisted my innercritic and they have created
these other sub parts of mineout of their pathology, if that
(31:07):
makes sense.
So these sub parts of mine area response to this mental
pathology.
So the inner critic is aresponse to the overall general
not fitting in sort of mentalpathology that has handicapped
me socially.
In that way, the 16-year-oldloose cannon is a direct result
of borderline personalitydisorder, 100%, 100%.
(31:32):
The cognitive overthinker isvery much a direct result of OCD
, these obsessions andcompulsions that I have about
different things, but also is adirect result of the autism too,
because I do think differentlyand I think maybe I think about
certain things more than othersmaybe do.
And there's that overthinkingcomponent because this autistic
(31:56):
brain of mine just does not stop, this ADHD brain of mine just
does not stop and, as a result,this workaholic this cognitive
overthinker has been, has comeout of it and I would say the
inner critic is like the chiefof the sub parts, it is the
number one and it has been theresince the start, definitely,
(32:16):
and I've now seen it in adifferent light, it's role, in a
different light, and now Iunderstand that it's just like
the other parts.
Just like the other parts, it'son my side, it's in my corner.
It's just tried to do the bestthat it's been able to with the
tools that it's got, just triedto do the best that it's been
able to with the tools that it'sgot and unfortunately, because
of these mental illnesses, myinner critic has gone.
(32:37):
You know, like you know, duringgrowth and puberty, my inner
critic was being injected withsteroids and it was BPD, it was
OCD, it was social anxiety,generalized anxiety, whatever.
All the autism, all the, allthe different, you know all the
different diagnoses I've got.
They were feeding this innercritic and just feeding it and
feeding it, my inner critic'sgoing holy dooly.
(32:59):
Well, if I'm to overcome allthis, I've just got to be the
most rigid.
You know, I've just got to rideElliot constantly, just ride
him and ride him, because if Idon't, then there will be an
opportunity for these mentalillnesses and for this world
that he's operating in andtrying his best, but it isn't
cut out.
He's not cut out for this world.
(33:20):
Let's be honest.
This is what my inner critic isthinking.
If I drop the ball here andlower the intensity, that's when
people are going to get him,and that's the huge problem.
We do not want people to gethim like they did during high
school, for example.
So my inner critic was therewhen I was younger, but it was
(33:41):
high school, as we're going todiscover more which is really
what brought on all of these subparts, what really brought on
these mental illnesses andbrought them to light and what
really has caused a lot of theproblems that I deal with today,
unfortunately.
So, anyway, so that's half anhour of I'm about.
I'm basically doing a full hourof the therapy session, word, no
(34:04):
, not word for word, but this isdragging on a little bit.
So I'm going to try and wrap itup because there is going to be
a part two.
But then, right at the end ofthe session, something else
happened which was very, veryinteresting, and it happened at
the end of the session and thiswas definitely carried over to
(34:25):
the next one.
And she said because I, in thatmoment, I wasn't able to get
out of the tunnel.
So back to the tunnel.
All my sub parts are at the topand at this point, because I
knew that when I went home fromthis therapy session, I was
going back to bed.
But I also knew I'd broken thecycle this time.
So I'd go back home, I'dprobably sleep till the next
morning, but I knew that I'd beokay.
I just knew I'd be able, I'dsnap that cycle.
(34:47):
This wasn't going to go backinto hibernation mode, this was
just Elliot needs to have a bitof a lay down because this is
full on Um and we'll try againtomorrow.
But we will try again tomorrow.
So I knew that, um, I was goingto get out of the tunnel and I
was going to, you know, climbthat very shiny offensive ladder
that was in there, that that Ihad to climb, which represented,
(35:09):
you know, the tools that I haveat my disposal, that even that
is often overwhelming.
But at the end, yeah.
So I never got out of thetunnel.
In this scenario, I never gotout of the tunnel.
My psychologist actually saidcan you invite the parts into
the tunnel with you?
And we decided as a group agroup being me and my parts we
(35:34):
conferred very quickly, um, andwe decided no, that wasn't a
good idea, because we don't wantany more of Elliot in the
tunnel, in the hole, in thatdamp hole.
You know the fact that the selfis in there, that's enough.
That's enough.
We do not want the rest of theparts to jump in as well,
because then good luck to you,you ain't getting out because
(35:55):
you ain't getting out, andthat's right.
I would not be getting outbecause it's these sub parts
that are protecting me, that arealso the ones that are going to
help me climb that ladder andget out into the bright world
and then proceed forward untilthe next hibernation mode, until
I get that all sorted.
But that was very poignant,that was huge, that was huge.
But then, right at the end,right at the end I promise this
(36:18):
is the last point, but right atthe end, this was just as big.
And this is what fueled part two, or will fuel part two, when I
tell you all about it, and thatis the fact that there was this
other random memory just poppedinto my head because we were
sort of thinking a bit about howthe inner critic has probably
been there for so long and allthis stuff.
(36:38):
And you know, trying to thinkback, um, you know where.
You know the 16 year old self.
Elliot, you talk a lot abouthigh school and stuff.
You know, um, are there anyother parts, maybe from back
then that are that?
Because I sort of I forgot tomention this bit, but I could
see in my vision to me likethere were the.
My sub parts were at the edge,you know, the lip of the hole of
(37:01):
the tunnel, the top of theladder, but it looked like to me
, but it wasn't very clear.
The detail wasn't there, butthere might've been some other
people or other parts standingbehind the front row of the
parts that are known, maybe someunknown parts that are there as
well.
I just haven't uncovered themyet.
So in my vision, the parts,these parts were gray, they were
(37:24):
grayed out and it's hard todescribe because in my mind's
eye I'd never be able to draw apicture of what I was seeing.
But that was like my sub partsthat I knew about.
They were in the light, andthen the sub parts that maybe
was there but I hadn't uncoveredyet.
They seemed really gray andsort of in the shadows a bit
more, um, but then this othersub part came up.
(37:46):
So I've spoken a lot about the16 year old, but then this 15
year old self come up and I waslike, whoa man, this is huge.
Because as soon as this 15 yearold revealed itself, this memory
of me going to the movies, itcome back so clear, so vivid,
like I could feel it within,like the pit of my stomach.
(38:08):
I was like ho ho, yes, this 15year old self, I know you very,
very well and I knew that thisself, this, this part of the
self, hang on, this sub part, um, I knew this sub part carried
straight away.
I was like, right, you carry alot of trauma.
I can feel it in the pit of mystomach straight away and I know
(38:32):
where we're going back to,because I can feel this as clear
as day.
And straight away I was like,yep, I know this movie's cinema
idea, this memory of going tothe movies.
I know exactly where this isleading straight away.
Honestly, I haven't thoughtabout this memory and I do a lot
of ruminating, a lot ofruminating about the past, and I
(38:53):
haven't thought of this memoryin years like 10 years, 15 years
, I reckon at least.
Yeah, I'd completely forgottenthat this happened, but straight
away, boom, it was like someoneflicked the switch and I was
there.
I was back there again.
So what I'm going to do,because this episode is nearing
(39:14):
40 minutes, if you're stilllistening.
Thank you so much, thank you,thank you, thank you, and if
you're finding this reallyinteresting, please reach out
and let me know.
Because, yeah, to me, this blewmy mind, but I'm going to save
this memory that come back tomind at the cinemas.
I'm going to save this for thenext episode, because a lot of
the next therapy session it wasvery much about the movie
(39:37):
theater, the movie cinemas.
This particular Saturdayafternoon when I went to the
movies, there was eight of us,four boys, four girls, and we
were there because Elliot wastrying to put the moves on who
would eventually become hisfirst girlfriend.
But it was a veryanxiety-provoking event and
(39:58):
there's trauma associated andthere's a little bit to unpack.
But I'm telling you, if youfind this sort of stuff
interesting because this15-year-old self is not the
16-year-old self.
I always thought the16-year-old, the loose cannon,
sort of covered all my sort ofhigh school years no, no,
(40:19):
there's this 15-year-old selfthat is before all the getting
ripped off and the trauma andall this has occurred and all
the bullying and the peerpressure, and there's this
innocent, innocent, beautiful,15, 14 year old self that hasn't
been, you know, hasn't beentarnished by the world just yet.
(40:40):
And I still have my innocenceat this point.
And again I got very emotionalthinking about it because I feel
so sorry for this part.
And now I know that the 14, 15year old self, the 16 year old
self, grew as a response to whatthat 15, 14 year old self had
to go through.
(41:00):
And it's so sad, it's so sad.
I think back.
You know it's very much.
It's a little bit like innerchild sort of stuff.
Like, you know, it's very much,it's a little bit like inner
child sort of stuff.
The inner child was also inthis vision.
But again, I'll save that forthe next episode, the next
episode dysregulated podcast.
(41:20):
But the like I felt, the samesort of sadness that I feel for
my inner child, that I did forthis 14, 15 year old self, which
I'm going to come up with abetter name for it at some point
.
But at the moment that's how Iknow this part.
As you know, it's just sadbecause this poor, innocent,
lovely boy, and that's all I was.
I was just a boy, you know, Iwas being.
Again, I don't want to go toomuch into it.
(41:42):
But you know, I was sort ofbeing guided into this world of
girls and sex and and howimportant it was, and I, this
poor boy, just wasn't ready.
I just want to play with mytrains and watch trains and and
look at trucks and support theknights and and that's the thing
.
This, this part, is still ahuge component I've now
(42:03):
discovered and it all happenedvery quickly in this therapy
session but this part is still ahuge part of the self and I'm
glad that it is, because that'sa great part.
This 14, 15 year old self, likeyep, look, he's a bit green, you
know he has a bit of a cleanskin didn't really know how the
world operate.
I was sort of getting batteredfrom pillar to post but I still
had my smile then Things wasstill smiling.
(42:26):
I had hope I was a really niceyoung kid.
I really was.
Unfortunately, high school andsome other factors that
predisposed all of this thatunfortunately created the
perfect storm.
I'm talking even things likegenetics and stuff like biology,
(42:47):
neurochemistry, as well asmaybe my environment growing up
and then definitely high school,was what really really hammered
this home.
But this poor kid, I'll tellyou, he was just doing his best
and, man, until I got twistedand chewed up and spat out, I
was doing pretty good for a kidthat had autism and ADHD and the
(43:09):
beginnings of borderlinepersonality.
I didn't realize at the time andit had manifested at 14, 15,
but by 16, it certainly had.
So the beginnings of BPD werestarting to swell.
I had no idea.
I had no idea, I didn't evenknow at this point that, because
I knew life was really hard andit seemed this is probably a
(43:29):
story for another day, but Iremember I used to think that
life seemed to be people seem tobe happier than I was Because I
knew within myself I was sortof putting it on a bit, I was
faking it a bit even back thenand I didn't think that other
people seem to be doing that.
And even as a 14, 15 year old Ihad no idea what mental health
was, mental illness.
We didn't have black dogpresenters such as myself coming
(43:52):
to school, you know, in year 10and year nine, like I do now to
the schools.
And that's why I do it, becauseI do it for the poor kid that
was like me, you know, and Iwant to sort of help the kids,
you know, now at school and belike, look, I'm not going to
have all the answers in my, youknow, one hour presentation I do
for the Institute, but maybeI'll start to get you thinking a
(44:15):
bit about this sort of stuff,because it took me until I got
the trauma to start thinkingabout it.
And if we can get peoplethinking about before that, you
know we can have some reallyresilient people that can push
back against those things, thosenegatives of the world, before
it gets too much.
And then, you know, others haveto intervene and you know, and
(44:35):
that's a big part of whatmotivates me to do all this sort
of stuff because, yeah, thatpoor 14, 15 year old self of me,
he was a great kid, he was alovely boy of me, he was a great
kid, he was a lovely boy andyou know I really tried hard to
be a nice person, do the rightthings.
And yeah, I don't know, it'sjust sad because that poor, poor
kid unfortunately went througha bit of stuff and then, you
(44:59):
know I, I had to it spawned allthese sub parts which again were
a direct response to this, thispathology, um, and and they've
also done their best to try andkeep me on the straight and
narrow.
But you know what chance did wehave, as we'll find out, um, in
more episodes of the podcast.
(45:20):
But this is a huge one.
I know this is a big episode, Iknow.
Thank you everybody forlistening.
I do appreciate it.
But like this was huge man,like huge.
The fact that that memorypopped up right at the end is a
big episode, I know.
Thank you everybody forlistening.
I do appreciate it.
But like this was huge man,like huge the fact that that
memory popped up right at theend.
I said to my psychologist.
I said, oh, look, this is goingto be a big one for next time,
because I didn't have anappointment book for the week
after, because it's costing somuch money.
(45:41):
But I actually rang up and said, look, I want to really hit
this while the iron's hot, youknow, strike while the iron's
hot, you know, hit this whileit's really going, because I
think this is one of thosebreakthrough moments.
So get me another appointmentnext week if you can.
Let's dive into it again.
And that's exactly what we didon Monday Today being Wednesday,
(46:01):
two days ago and that's whatI'm going to talk about on the
next part B of the therapyreflections of this series, of
this particular episode.
What are we up to?
10, 9, 10, I think it is.
So part B is going to be acontinuation on from this and it
gets even deeper but it getseven better, it gets even more
insightful.
(46:22):
But the main takeaways from thisone was well.
The main takeaways from thisone was well.
The main take was that memorythat has now there's all these
offshoots of memories from thisparticular memory and that's
like right, there's a lot therethat there's trauma in that that
I didn't even think of, that'sbeen just just burying itself in
my psyche for years and yearsand years I forgot it was even
(46:43):
there.
But also the fact that I cannow see clearly that the world
is a bit too bright and yearsand years I forgot it was even
there.
But also the fact that I cannow see clearly that the world
is a bit too bright and it istoo bright and what it's like
when I'm in these hibernationmodes.
You know, down in the tunnel,in the damp tunnel, like I can
feel it now.
I can feel this furtherunderstanding and in true Elliot
(47:05):
style, it's got to be a bitabstract, it's got to sort of
not make sense.
To make sense, um, and that'sexactly what's happened here, um
, with the tunnel and the top ofthe tunnel and the ladder being
shiny itself, and then theworld being shiny, but then also
the.
The probably the biggesttakeaway, though, was was that
my sub parts, my inner parts,they're all at the top, they're
(47:26):
all trying to, you know, get meout of the hole and get me into
the world, and they're like look, elliot, we're going to protect
you.
We know it's bright, we've gota pair of sunglasses for you,
walk with us, we'll look afteryou.
That's essentially what they'resaying, but the huge thing, or
the other, the big thing, thebiggest thing for me, though,
the big thing, the biggest thingfor me, though, was that my
inner critic was one of thosesupporters.
(47:46):
It was one of those reallygreat supporters.
It was the one that was in themiddle, because it's been there
the longest, it's been there thewhole time.
It's the chief of all mysub-parts, my inner parts, and
although, man, he rides me likenothing else, I know that it's
all out of the goodness, youcould say, of my inner critic's
(48:06):
heart.
My inner critic has one goal,and one goal only, and that is
to protect me and to see mesucceed, and it is doing the
best job that it can.
It just can be quiteoverwhelming at times.
I just need to get to the pointwhere my inner critic trusts me
, the self, to say, look, hangon a second, just back down a
little bit.
Just trust me.
Trust me the self to say, look,hang on a second, just back
(48:27):
down a little bit.
Just trust me, trust me on this.
I think I've got this, you know, follow me.
Where's all the other sub-parts?
Where's all the other innerparts?
Come on, inner critic, 14,15-year-old self.
I know you're in the loose canand the 16-year-old got a lot to
talk about, but come on, followme.
I swear you know I've got theright way to do these things,
and if I don't, I know you guyswill jump in for me anyway.
(48:47):
But just let me have a chance,let me have a go Bit of
breathing space, you know.
But yeah, but the fact that theinner critic is actually a
positive influence on my lifeand not this huge negative that
I have always associated it with, that was huge.
That was huge, but it gets evenbigger.
The next therapy session I hadand I'm so glad I had it so soon
(49:09):
that I booked in the week later.
Yeah, it's sending me broke,but man, this was big stuff.
This was big stuff.
So anyway, that'll do.
That'll do for this episode.
Thank you everybody once againfor listening.
I do appreciate it.
If you've enjoyed this episodeor got any questions about
internal family, you probably dohave questions, potentially, if
you're not aware of internalfamily systems therapy before,
(49:34):
because I haven't probably donea great job of explaining it,
and I'm going to do that.
I will.
I just need to find the time toreally knuckle down and really
drill into it, because I'm stilllearning.
I'm still learning Everysession I have with my therapist
.
I'm learning more and moreabout the therapy itself, how it
can affect me.
But then of course, I've got totry and think about okay, but
(49:54):
how does this then affect otherpeople and how can I explain it
to other people?
That's in a way that'sunderstandable and digestible,
and that's the hard part, and Ihaven't quite got that nailed
down yet.
But as soon as I do, I'm goingto, I'll let you all know.
There'll be an episode.
I'll explain it all as clearlyas I can and maybe this will be
a bit clearer as well.
But, but I hope I did get across, though, that these, you know
(50:16):
these inner parts, like they'rereal, let me tell you, they are
real, definitely, and they pulla lot of the strings and they're
only doing it to try and helpme and protect me.
But they just need a bit oftrust when it comes to me, the
self, being able to be theconductor.
You know of the orchestra youcould say, of all these
(50:37):
different parts, but you knowthey've seen the self, me, make
some mistakes along the way.
They're like well, you know,elliot, you know this has
happened in the past.
We don't want that happeningagain.
That was terrible.
You know, like I don't know ifwe can trust you with this one.
But yeah, that's that's theargument that I've got to build
from within to say that, no, no,you can trust me because we've
(50:59):
done the work, we've all donethe work together.
You've, you've been there whenI've done the work.
You know the understanding ofthe world now that I have.
Please, trust me.
Trust me, please, and bringthose sunglasses, because, my
God, it is bright out here.
It is so bright, which makes somuch sense with the way that I
live my life, because everythingI try and do.
(51:20):
I try and do at night, and evennow I'm doing a podcast episode
now at quarter past 10 at night,because it's dark and I feel
safe.
I feel safe.
The world has quietened down abit, everyone's sort of at home
going to bed.
Finally I get some peace and itmakes complete sense as to why
I try and do everything at nightbecause the world's too bright.
And now I've seen it so clearlyfrom my right brain.
(51:43):
It just makes so much sense tome.
It does, and I was like, yeah,I am in this tunnel when I'm
hibernating and I don't want tocrawl out because it is so
bright, so let's just roll overit's damp in here.
The walls are so close, I'mgetting claustrophobic, but, man
, it still feels safer thanbeing out there.
But that's what my inner partsare doing.
They're trying to convince meof the fact that, no, no, we can
(52:06):
do this.
And this is what I need tobelieve within myself as well.
No, no, we can do this.
It's bright, but here's thesunnies.
Put some sunnies on.
We've got this, we can do this.
All right, that'll do.
Thank you everybody.
I can't wait to bring the parttwo because if you enjoyed
hearing this sort of insightinto my therapy.
(52:27):
The next one is just asinteresting, I think, and a lot
of great improvements are goingto be made, I think, from these
two.
It won't be straight away, butI think give it time, I'll look
back and go.
Yeah, these two therapysessions were pivotal, no
question about that.
So yeah, but if you've got anyquestions about internal family
systems therapy, please feelfree to let me know on Instagram
(52:50):
at elliotttwaters, if you'vegot some.
I don't know if maybe you'vegone through something similar
yourself.
You know, because a lot of youlistening probably have done or
are doing internal familysystems therapy or schema
therapy.
Maybe there's parts involved inthat too.
You too.
A few different things, notjust IFS that do this, but IFS
does it the best, I think, or atleast for me.
(53:11):
But maybe you've got your own16-year-old loose cannons or
workaholics that are just makingyour work to the bone because
that's the only way it knows howto protect you.
Maybe you've got similar partsor different parts as well, but
they're doing the same sort ofthing.
Feel free to let me know.
I'd love to hear it because, youknow, at times I still feel
(53:32):
alone on this journey as well,and I still think, man, no one,
no one's going, no one's doingwhat I'm doing.
Who on earth is going on about,you know, workaholics and
cognitive overthinkers?
Like that's crazy talk, man,that's crazy.
But I don't think it's as crazyas I first thought.
I actually think it makes a lotof sense and it's actually very
sensible to have these parts,and if you've got these sub
(53:53):
parts, you're very, very lucky.
So, but anyway, until next time.
Thank you for listeningeverybody.
If you're enjoying the show,feel free to like, subscribe,
give the show a great rating,and you can share it around with
your mates, please do.
If you think you know someonewho might get some sort of
benefit out of this, please passthe show on.
That would be great and theycan have a bit of a listen.
(54:13):
They can reach out to me aswell on Instagram or whatever,
and we'll come up with somethingthat way as well.
So please, yes, please, shareit around if you could.
But until next time.
Thank you for listening to theDysregulated podcast and I can't
wait to bring you part B of mytherapy reflection.
I'll see you soon.
Bye-bye.
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