October 21, 2025 • 13 mins
Finally I've published something. Not because this episode is one of my best (it isn't), but because I couldn’t stand being stuck in that record-delete loop any longer. After days of fighting perfectionism, imposter syndrome, and an overactive inner critic, I realised the only way to get beyond this loop is to publish something....anything!
Fear of imperfection can paralyse creativity and curtail results, which is why releasing even a half-baked episode can be enough to get things rolling again.
Although this episode leans towards filler, it is just as important as any other when it comes to it. I need this one in the bag, so I can then focus my energies outwardly again to create magic. I even give a sneak preview into two of the new episodes in the pipeline....and thanks to this current effort I can work towards getting those episodes published sooner rather than later.
Perfectionism, creative anxiety, self-doubt, imposter syndrome, inner critic. Quite the handful, but I've been able to overcome them again!
You can follow me on Instagram: @elliot.t.waters, and the show on Facebook!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker (00:09):
G'day everybody, my name is Elliot Waters, and
you're listening to theDisregulator Podcast.
As always, thank you for tuningin.
Right, today's episode has beenunbelievably difficult to get
out there.
Um, Fair Dinkham, seriously, Ihave been battling this whole
perfectionism thing, thisimposter syndrome thing, and
(00:30):
this inner critic thing allweek, and it is driving me
insane because I have just beenit's I've been on a loop.
I just record, delete, record,delete, record, delete, don't
publish anything.
The last episode I was talkingabout this whole perfectionism
thing, um, and if anything, thisweek's gotten a lot worse.
(00:54):
So I just can't, I don't know,I just can't record and just get
it done.
I always find some littlething, something that I don't
like, and then I deleteeverything.
So this episode I'm doing rightnow, this wasn't part of the
plan, you know.
This this material that I'mtalking about, um, I'm doing
(01:15):
that because I'm trying to do anepisode that I can be not so
pressured about, lower thoseexpectations a little bit, and
just get it done, you know, justget it done, get one in the
bag, um, so then I can move on.
It's a bit like when I was atuni, you know, like I'd be given
assessments and you know, I'ddo the assessment, but I'd do it
(01:38):
slowly to begin with because Ididn't really want to, you know,
look at it because when Ilooked at it, there was anxiety
involved.
Who wants to do that?
So I used to put it off, put itoff, put it off, and then it
would get to the point where itwas due that night, so I'd do it
all in a day, and um it wouldbe very much subpar.
I was gonna say not up to mystandards, but to be honest,
(02:01):
this happened so often that itprobably was up to my standards,
but it was subpar, and I knewthat as I was submitting it.
Um, I used to even say tofriends and stuff who I was
studying with and be like, ohwell, you know, at least she's
in, it's not my best work, thatone.
Um, and that used to happen alot, and that's essentially what
this episode right now isdoing.
(02:22):
That's the function I guessit's carrying out, which is for
me to just get it in and then Ican move on, you know, and then
I can try and record these otherepisodes without that extra
layer of anxiety and pressurearound the fact that I haven't
maybe uploaded as recently as Iwould like to.
(02:43):
So, but this has been going onall week.
Um, excuse me.
I'm back.
It's been going on all week, inparticular the last three days.
So I've had the last three daysoff from work, then my days
off, which has been good, andI've spent hours every day,
hours in the saddle, hours atthe computer, behind the
(03:04):
microphone, just tryingeverything to be able to get
these episodes done, to beconfident in what I'm doing, to
put myself into a position whereI do feel as though I'm able to
produce something good, um, andI just haven't been able to
make it happen for a variety ofreasons.
(03:25):
Um, I've got written here,because I wrote some notes,
again, I want this episode to beeasy enough to record so I can
just get on with it and moveforward.
So I've written down somenotes, which I don't always do,
and I've written here um some ofthe issues I've had with being
able to record or reasons why Ihaven't maybe been as happy with
(03:45):
the recordings as I'd like tobe.
And I've got written here drymouth and tripping over words
and um needing to swallow allthe time.
I've even got environmentalnoise, dogs and cars.
Um, you know, look, none ofthose things are new.
Uh, and although I've writtenthem down as the issues, let's
be honest, that's not the issue.
The issue isn't dry mouth,although that is frustrating.
(04:08):
Um, the issue is this uh how doI put it this perception of the
self that I'm um uh incapableof doing a good job, or I guess
my efforts are not worthy.
Um, you know, it's all it's notphysical like dry mouth,
(04:29):
although that makes things alittle bit difficult, but that's
not the reason.
The reason has beenpsychological.
Again, it's the poorself-esteem, the imposter
syndrome, all that sort ofstuff, inner critic, this
perfectionism, you name it, ifit's psychological, I've got it,
and that's what's happeninghere.
So um it's not as simple asjust dry mouth, because I've
(04:50):
I've I've had dry mouth washes,you know, mouthwash to fix it,
and this needing to swallowstuff like that.
It's all related really toanxiety, and a lot of the
anxiety is coming from the factthat I don't view myself as
being capable, well capable ingeneral, let's just leave it at
that.
But essentially, or especiallyin this case, capable of
(05:14):
producing material that hasvalue and that will be
meaningful to my listeners,which are you amazing legends.
So, my apologies if I haven'tbeen as um, I don't know, as uh
what's the word, I haven't beenas prolific as maybe we would
like.
It's not through lack of tryingthough, that's for sure.
(05:34):
Um, like this room where I'mrecording, uh, it is just it is
so hot because it's coming intosummer here in Australia, it's
it's spring at the moment, justbefore my birthday, but it is
boiling here in Newcastle at themoment.
Um, and in this room, I'mtelling you, the carpet's just
stained with my sweat, it'severywhere.
I've been trying so hard to getthis episode out.
(05:56):
Um, that's not entirely true,but it is true.
I've been sweating so much inthis room, it's been really
quite uncomfortable because it'sjust so hot, but at the same
time, I'm not really allowingmyself to leave this chair until
I've got something done, andthat's been the story over the
last couple of days, um, andit's not been particularly
(06:18):
enjoyable, and that's a bit of aproblem, you know.
What I've noticed with the lastcouple of episodes I've done,
probably the last four or five,um, it has very much felt not
quite like a chore, but theprocess has not been as
enjoyable as it once was.
Um, it's becoming more and moredifficult, if anything, over
(06:41):
time to produce these episodesthan getting easier.
You'd think it'd be gettingeasier, you know, because I'm
used to it.
You know, I got runs on theboard, um got some muscle memory
around this sort of stuff.
I know how it works.
Let's just get in there andboom, like a seasoned
professional, get some greatcontent out there.
But unfortunately, the lastcouple of episodes, it's been
(07:02):
getting more and more difficult,and I've been feeling less
satisfaction from them when I'vepressed the publish button.
Um, so I'm hoping that hasn't,you know, that negative tone
hasn't filtered into the tone ofthe episodes themselves.
Um, but it has been a littlebit more challenging.
And once again, you know, thisis all psychologically based.
(07:26):
It's not about dry mouth, it'sabout the fact that I don't
believe I'm doing a good enoughjob and that I'm not capable of
doing a good enough job.
That's the problem.
Um, so anyway, but like I said,it's not through lack of
trying, and it's certainly theseepisodes haven't been flown
because of lack of um material.
I've got heaps of material.
(07:47):
There's so many episodes readyto go, I just need to sit down
and get them recorded, you know.
Like there's this bigbottleneck that has formed over
the last probably three months.
Um, we there's all theseepisodes in the pipeline that I
just can't get out um quickenough to be able to sort of
keep up with the ideas that mybrain is throwing at me.
(08:09):
A lot of them are actually halfdecent, um, but I just can't
get them down onto recording,and then that builds, the
pressure builds, and then themore the pressure builds, the
less likely I am to actually beable to complete an episode and
get it published.
So the bottleneck gets worsebecause I've just thought of two
great ideas for episodes, but Ican't even get the one from two
(08:31):
weeks ago out yet, you know,and the pressure builds, and
then all of a sudden I'm infreeze mode because it's all too
much, and then it gets worse.
You know, you know how itworks.
You've been on this journeywith me long enough, you know
how my anxiety um does its bestessentially to smother me and
just just pin me down, and thenI'm not able to move, and the
(08:53):
inability to be able to dowhatever it is that I need to be
doing makes it worse untilthere's a big explosion, and
then something happens,something explodes, and I break
free somehow, usually in a waythat's not particularly helpful
or positive.
Often it's maladaptive in thepast.
That would be you knowsubstance abuse, but not so much
(09:14):
anymore, which is good.
Um, anyway, that's going alittle bit off topic, but yes,
there is a bottleneck, so don'tworry, there's some episodes
that are absolute crackers, Ireckon, um, that are coming up
soon.
Two of them, um, two of themI've been trying to do this
week.
So one of them is the new orthe latest My Therapy
(09:34):
Reflections episode because I'vebeen to my psychologist this
week.
Um, that's going to be reallygood because um it's it's gonna
be, I don't know, it's gonna beenlightening, I think, about the
different flavours of me, youknow, the different identities
that I sort of assign to myself.
This is one of the first timesI've actually brought it up in
(09:56):
therapy.
I brought it up here on theshow before, but I haven't
usually I I don't usually bringit up in therapy.
There's usually other thingsI'll talk about, but it's all
linked, it's all linked to BPD.
It's going to be great.
I just need to be able to getin the frame of mind to publish
it.
And the other episode that I'vebeen trying to do this week in
particular is one uh called TillSummer Comes Around, because
(10:19):
summer is on its way here inAustralia.
Um, and that means a fewthings, some positive things
definitely, but there's somenegatives that I've got to keep
an eye out for as well.
Um, and that episode's gonnareally go into uh some body
image stuff, um, my self-esteemor lack of self-esteem.
(10:40):
You know, there's a bit to gothrough on that too, which I
think will be very good.
That episode, well, well, bothof these episodes really are me
in a very vulnerable state, andI'm excited to be able to
produce them because I think theinsights that will be contained
in both and the other ones I'vegot lined up too.
I don't know, I really thinkthey are the sort of episodes,
(11:03):
or these are the sort ofepisodes, not this one by the
way, this one's just the filler,but the other episodes I'm
talking about, they're the onesI think that separates my show,
this show, from maybe some otherones, I reckon, because they
will be very vulnerable umepisodes indeed, and I'm pretty
(11:25):
keen to get them out there, butyou know, I've got to get this
whole, I don't know, this wholeimposter syndrome stuff.
I need to at leastcompartmentalize it so I can get
episodes done, then it can doits thing.
It just needs to go away whileI get these done.
So anyway, I might leave it atthat.
Thank goodness um I've beenable to get this done.
(11:47):
This is a huge relief already.
Um I've got a big smile on myface.
I'm sitting up straightalready.
The monkey's off my back.
How good is it?
Um, but the next episodes, I'mtelling you, they're gonna be
crackers.
So I'm gonna I'm gonna enjoythis moment because it is like
midnight um on a weekday becauseI've been doing this all day
(12:07):
trying to get this out.
Um, I'm going to enjoy this forfor tonight and then also
tomorrow, and then if I feel upto it, I'm gonna try and record
one of those two episodestomorrow afternoon because
they're right there.
It's right there on the tip ofmy tongue, and I've probably
already recorded it without anyproblems, but I've deleted it
(12:28):
because my perception maybe wasa bit cloudy.
Hopefully, now my perception umwill be a bit clearer because a
bit of the pressure has beenreleased just about now as I
publish this episode.
All right, thank you everybodyfor listening.
I do appreciate it.
Thank you for treading waterwith me with this filler
episode.
I appreciate that.
(12:50):
Um, if you're enjoying theshow, of course, you can like,
subscribe, you can give the showa great rating because it's
good for the algorithm.
And you can share this showaround with your mates, and you
can follow me on Instagram atelliott.t.waters, and you can
follow the show on Facebook bysearching for the Disregulated
Podcast.
All right, thank goodness it'sdone.
(13:12):
Unbelievable.
Thank you everybody forlistening and see you soon for a
new episode, a new bigrevealing vulnerable episode of
the Disregulated Podcast.
G'day everybody, my name is Elliot Waters, and
you're listening to theDisregulator Podcast.
As always, thank you for tuningin.
Right, today's episode has beenunbelievably difficult to get
out there.
Um, Fair Dinkham, seriously, Ihave been battling this whole
perfectionism thing, thisimposter syndrome thing, and
(00:30):
this inner critic thing allweek, and it is driving me
insane because I have just beenit's I've been on a loop.
I just record, delete, record,delete, record, delete, don't
publish anything.
The last episode I was talkingabout this whole perfectionism
thing, um, and if anything, thisweek's gotten a lot worse.
(00:54):
So I just can't, I don't know,I just can't record and just get
it done.
I always find some littlething, something that I don't
like, and then I deleteeverything.
So this episode I'm doing rightnow, this wasn't part of the
plan, you know.
This this material that I'mtalking about, um, I'm doing
(01:15):
that because I'm trying to do anepisode that I can be not so
pressured about, lower thoseexpectations a little bit, and
just get it done, you know, justget it done, get one in the
bag, um, so then I can move on.
It's a bit like when I was atuni, you know, like I'd be given
assessments and you know, I'ddo the assessment, but I'd do it
(01:38):
slowly to begin with because Ididn't really want to, you know,
look at it because when Ilooked at it, there was anxiety
involved.
Who wants to do that?
So I used to put it off, put itoff, put it off, and then it
would get to the point where itwas due that night, so I'd do it
all in a day, and um it wouldbe very much subpar.
I was gonna say not up to mystandards, but to be honest,
(02:01):
this happened so often that itprobably was up to my standards,
but it was subpar, and I knewthat as I was submitting it.
Um, I used to even say tofriends and stuff who I was
studying with and be like, ohwell, you know, at least she's
in, it's not my best work, thatone.
Um, and that used to happen alot, and that's essentially what
this episode right now isdoing.
(02:22):
That's the function I guessit's carrying out, which is for
me to just get it in and then Ican move on, you know, and then
I can try and record these otherepisodes without that extra
layer of anxiety and pressurearound the fact that I haven't
maybe uploaded as recently as Iwould like to.
(02:43):
So, but this has been going onall week.
Um, excuse me.
I'm back.
It's been going on all week, inparticular the last three days.
So I've had the last three daysoff from work, then my days
off, which has been good, andI've spent hours every day,
hours in the saddle, hours atthe computer, behind the
(03:04):
microphone, just tryingeverything to be able to get
these episodes done, to beconfident in what I'm doing, to
put myself into a position whereI do feel as though I'm able to
produce something good, um, andI just haven't been able to
make it happen for a variety ofreasons.
(03:25):
Um, I've got written here,because I wrote some notes,
again, I want this episode to beeasy enough to record so I can
just get on with it and moveforward.
So I've written down somenotes, which I don't always do,
and I've written here um some ofthe issues I've had with being
able to record or reasons why Ihaven't maybe been as happy with
(03:45):
the recordings as I'd like tobe.
And I've got written here drymouth and tripping over words
and um needing to swallow allthe time.
I've even got environmentalnoise, dogs and cars.
Um, you know, look, none ofthose things are new.
Uh, and although I've writtenthem down as the issues, let's
be honest, that's not the issue.
The issue isn't dry mouth,although that is frustrating.
(04:08):
Um, the issue is this uh how doI put it this perception of the
self that I'm um uh incapableof doing a good job, or I guess
my efforts are not worthy.
Um, you know, it's all it's notphysical like dry mouth,
(04:29):
although that makes things alittle bit difficult, but that's
not the reason.
The reason has beenpsychological.
Again, it's the poorself-esteem, the imposter
syndrome, all that sort ofstuff, inner critic, this
perfectionism, you name it, ifit's psychological, I've got it,
and that's what's happeninghere.
So um it's not as simple asjust dry mouth, because I've
(04:50):
I've I've had dry mouth washes,you know, mouthwash to fix it,
and this needing to swallowstuff like that.
It's all related really toanxiety, and a lot of the
anxiety is coming from the factthat I don't view myself as
being capable, well capable ingeneral, let's just leave it at
that.
But essentially, or especiallyin this case, capable of
(05:14):
producing material that hasvalue and that will be
meaningful to my listeners,which are you amazing legends.
So, my apologies if I haven'tbeen as um, I don't know, as uh
what's the word, I haven't beenas prolific as maybe we would
like.
It's not through lack of tryingthough, that's for sure.
(05:34):
Um, like this room where I'mrecording, uh, it is just it is
so hot because it's coming intosummer here in Australia, it's
it's spring at the moment, justbefore my birthday, but it is
boiling here in Newcastle at themoment.
Um, and in this room, I'mtelling you, the carpet's just
stained with my sweat, it'severywhere.
I've been trying so hard to getthis episode out.
(05:56):
Um, that's not entirely true,but it is true.
I've been sweating so much inthis room, it's been really
quite uncomfortable because it'sjust so hot, but at the same
time, I'm not really allowingmyself to leave this chair until
I've got something done, andthat's been the story over the
last couple of days, um, andit's not been particularly
(06:18):
enjoyable, and that's a bit of aproblem, you know.
What I've noticed with the lastcouple of episodes I've done,
probably the last four or five,um, it has very much felt not
quite like a chore, but theprocess has not been as
enjoyable as it once was.
Um, it's becoming more and moredifficult, if anything, over
(06:41):
time to produce these episodesthan getting easier.
You'd think it'd be gettingeasier, you know, because I'm
used to it.
You know, I got runs on theboard, um got some muscle memory
around this sort of stuff.
I know how it works.
Let's just get in there andboom, like a seasoned
professional, get some greatcontent out there.
But unfortunately, the lastcouple of episodes, it's been
(07:02):
getting more and more difficult,and I've been feeling less
satisfaction from them when I'vepressed the publish button.
Um, so I'm hoping that hasn't,you know, that negative tone
hasn't filtered into the tone ofthe episodes themselves.
Um, but it has been a littlebit more challenging.
And once again, you know, thisis all psychologically based.
(07:26):
It's not about dry mouth, it'sabout the fact that I don't
believe I'm doing a good enoughjob and that I'm not capable of
doing a good enough job.
That's the problem.
Um, so anyway, but like I said,it's not through lack of
trying, and it's certainly theseepisodes haven't been flown
because of lack of um material.
I've got heaps of material.
(07:47):
There's so many episodes readyto go, I just need to sit down
and get them recorded, you know.
Like there's this bigbottleneck that has formed over
the last probably three months.
Um, we there's all theseepisodes in the pipeline that I
just can't get out um quickenough to be able to sort of
keep up with the ideas that mybrain is throwing at me.
(08:09):
A lot of them are actually halfdecent, um, but I just can't
get them down onto recording,and then that builds, the
pressure builds, and then themore the pressure builds, the
less likely I am to actually beable to complete an episode and
get it published.
So the bottleneck gets worsebecause I've just thought of two
great ideas for episodes, but Ican't even get the one from two
(08:31):
weeks ago out yet, you know,and the pressure builds, and
then all of a sudden I'm infreeze mode because it's all too
much, and then it gets worse.
You know, you know how itworks.
You've been on this journeywith me long enough, you know
how my anxiety um does its bestessentially to smother me and
just just pin me down, and thenI'm not able to move, and the
(08:53):
inability to be able to dowhatever it is that I need to be
doing makes it worse untilthere's a big explosion, and
then something happens,something explodes, and I break
free somehow, usually in a waythat's not particularly helpful
or positive.
Often it's maladaptive in thepast.
That would be you knowsubstance abuse, but not so much
(09:14):
anymore, which is good.
Um, anyway, that's going alittle bit off topic, but yes,
there is a bottleneck, so don'tworry, there's some episodes
that are absolute crackers, Ireckon, um, that are coming up
soon.
Two of them, um, two of themI've been trying to do this
week.
So one of them is the new orthe latest My Therapy
(09:34):
Reflections episode because I'vebeen to my psychologist this
week.
Um, that's going to be reallygood because um it's it's gonna
be, I don't know, it's gonna beenlightening, I think, about the
different flavours of me, youknow, the different identities
that I sort of assign to myself.
This is one of the first timesI've actually brought it up in
(09:56):
therapy.
I brought it up here on theshow before, but I haven't
usually I I don't usually bringit up in therapy.
There's usually other thingsI'll talk about, but it's all
linked, it's all linked to BPD.
It's going to be great.
I just need to be able to getin the frame of mind to publish
it.
And the other episode that I'vebeen trying to do this week in
particular is one uh called TillSummer Comes Around, because
(10:19):
summer is on its way here inAustralia.
Um, and that means a fewthings, some positive things
definitely, but there's somenegatives that I've got to keep
an eye out for as well.
Um, and that episode's gonnareally go into uh some body
image stuff, um, my self-esteemor lack of self-esteem.
(10:40):
You know, there's a bit to gothrough on that too, which I
think will be very good.
That episode, well, well, bothof these episodes really are me
in a very vulnerable state, andI'm excited to be able to
produce them because I think theinsights that will be contained
in both and the other ones I'vegot lined up too.
I don't know, I really thinkthey are the sort of episodes,
(11:03):
or these are the sort ofepisodes, not this one by the
way, this one's just the filler,but the other episodes I'm
talking about, they're the onesI think that separates my show,
this show, from maybe some otherones, I reckon, because they
will be very vulnerable umepisodes indeed, and I'm pretty
(11:25):
keen to get them out there, butyou know, I've got to get this
whole, I don't know, this wholeimposter syndrome stuff.
I need to at leastcompartmentalize it so I can get
episodes done, then it can doits thing.
It just needs to go away whileI get these done.
So anyway, I might leave it atthat.
Thank goodness um I've beenable to get this done.
(11:47):
This is a huge relief already.
Um I've got a big smile on myface.
I'm sitting up straightalready.
The monkey's off my back.
How good is it?
Um, but the next episodes, I'mtelling you, they're gonna be
crackers.
So I'm gonna I'm gonna enjoythis moment because it is like
midnight um on a weekday becauseI've been doing this all day
(12:07):
trying to get this out.
Um, I'm going to enjoy this forfor tonight and then also
tomorrow, and then if I feel upto it, I'm gonna try and record
one of those two episodestomorrow afternoon because
they're right there.
It's right there on the tip ofmy tongue, and I've probably
already recorded it without anyproblems, but I've deleted it
(12:28):
because my perception maybe wasa bit cloudy.
Hopefully, now my perception umwill be a bit clearer because a
bit of the pressure has beenreleased just about now as I
publish this episode.
All right, thank you everybodyfor listening.
I do appreciate it.
Thank you for treading waterwith me with this filler
episode.
I appreciate that.
(12:50):
Um, if you're enjoying theshow, of course, you can like,
subscribe, you can give the showa great rating because it's
good for the algorithm.
And you can share this showaround with your mates, and you
can follow me on Instagram atelliott.t.waters, and you can
follow the show on Facebook bysearching for the Disregulated
Podcast.
All right, thank goodness it'sdone.
(13:12):
Unbelievable.
Thank you everybody forlistening and see you soon for a
new episode, a new bigrevealing vulnerable episode of
the Disregulated Podcast.
Popular Podcasts
Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.