June 17, 2025 • 30 mins
The Discharge Papers returns — but not all of it is good news.
In this episode, I read through my latest discharge papers from the Mater Mental Health Hospital, offering an unfiltered and completely vulnerable look at what actually happens during a psychiatric assessment in an emergency department, during my most acute mental illness battles.
• The hospital notes describe me as articulate and intelligent, with strong insight into my mental health
• Diagnoses listed include BPD, ADHD, autism, OCD, and multiple anxiety disorders
• The psychiatrist also flagged “Cluster C personality vulnerabilities,” which I found interesting and might explore in a future episode
• I talk through the ongoing challenges of medication management, plus possible future treatments like TMS and esketamine/ketamine
• I also share my frustration with the NSW mental health system — while staying open to anything that might help me get better
• This episode follows on from Back to the Mater, where I recorded myself just before walking into the hospital seeking help. The story continues to evolve! And I'm still in the fight....just.
If you're enjoying the podcast, please like, subscribe, leave a rating, and follow me on Instagram @elliot.t.waters or check out The Dysregulated Podcast on Facebook to stay up to date with new episodes.
--
Follow my journey through the chaos of mental illness and the hard-fought lessons learned along the way.
Lived experience is at the heart of this podcast — every episode told through my own lens, with raw honesty and zero filter.
This is a genuine and vulnerable account of how multiple psychological disorders have shaped my past and continue to influence my future.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
G'day everybody.
My name is Elliot Waters andyou're listening to the
Dysregulated Podcast.
As always.
Thank you for tuning in.
Today's episode is the next inthis ever-evolving story.
This is the discharge papersthe discharge papers from my
most recent presentation to theMarta Mental Health Hospital.
So a bit of background, a bitof context.
(00:33):
There's an episode I did acouple of weeks ago called Back
to the Marta.
I think it was searching foranswers.
So that episode saw me sittingout the front of the hospital at
the bus stop, talking into myphone at whatever time it was
like 1am or something explainingto you guys exactly what was
going on.
So this episode is the nextpart of that night.
(00:54):
So when I go into the hospitaland present and then speak to
the psychiatrists and come upwith some sort of plan moving
forward.
So this is very muchintrinsically linked with that
episode.
So if you haven't listened tothe Back to the Martyr episode
yet, I would suggest listeningto that first, then listening to
this Now.
Can I just say no other podcastI'm sorry, no other podcast on
(01:17):
the internet goes to the depthsand to the vulnerabilities of
mental ill health like this one.
If you can find me anotherpodcast that will talk and do
episodes live from the hospitalthrough my phone at my most
acute moments and then gothrough the discharge papers
later on.
There's no secrets here.
This is an open book.
This is mental ill health andI'm telling you all about it and
(01:40):
this is my story, and my story,unfortunately, is well, not
unfortunately, but it's stillevolving over and over again.
And this is my story and mystory unfortunately well, not
unfortunately, but it's stillevolving over and over again,
and I hate to say it, but therecould be more discharge papers
coming, which is good forpodcast content, but not so good
for poor old Elliot.
Anyway, enough about that,let's get into it.
This is the discharge papers.
This is what the psychiatristsand the nurses were thinking
(02:03):
upon my presentation to theMater Hospital during my most
acute moments.
All right, here we go.
So if you can hear thisrustling noise, that is because
this is literally the papersthat they gave me when I left
the hospital.
Literally, it's not a copy,it's not a printout, this is
literally it.
This is exactly what I wasgiven, and now I'm giving it to
(02:24):
you.
Anyway, enough enough, elliot,come on, stay focused.
All right, let me just getmicrophone in position because
these episodes are pretty, youknow, pretty big.
I've got to relax, got to getready.
All right, here we go.
James Fletcher Martyr, mentalHealth Service Discharge,
referral Emergency DepartmentDischarge Refer referral paper.
(02:44):
Mr Elliot Thomas Waters, thatwould be me.
Okay so, nurse triage notes 34year old male, presents
voluntarily with suicidalideation, worsening anxiety and
general frustration and angerand that's been a theme of the
podcast over the last couple ofmonths general end of my head
space.
Lots of frustration, lots ofanger.
(03:04):
He has a history of attentiondeficit, hyperactive disorder,
obsessive compulsive disorder,borderline personality disorder,
autism, anxiety disorders.
Okay so, presenting problem.
This is now the psychiatristpresenting problem and
significant events 34-year-oldmale presenting with acute,
(03:25):
chronic suicidal ideation incontext of chronic psychosocial
stresses and a lack of meaningon a background of complicated
psychiatric and developmentalhistory.
Lots of chronic will bementioned throughout this
because this is chronic.
This doesn't leave me alone,unfortunately.
Has a history of borderlinepersonality disorder, potential
(03:47):
bipolar affective disorder.
Type two has attention deficit,hyperactive disorder, autism
spectrum disorder, highfunctioning obsessive compulsive
disorder, severe anxietydisorders that are lifelong,
generalized anxiety disorder,social anxiety disorder and
caffeine use disorder.
Elliot is cooperative, of course, and appropriately reactive
(04:10):
throughout the interview.
Hell yeah, I'll switch it on.
He is very here we go, comingin a critic, let me say it.
Let me say it in a critic.
He is very articulate andclearly intelligent.
Of course I am.
He has an impressive amount ofinsight into his mental health
struggles.
He is help-seeking andfuture-focused.
(04:33):
He feels as though he's onsubstantial amounts of
medication with minimal benefitand he is seeking a long
admission, not necessarily withus in brackets, to help wean and
rationalize medication undersupervision.
So when it says not necessarilywith us, that's because the
MARTA is an acute care setting,mental health setting.
(04:55):
You don't get any longadmissions there.
It's usually a couple of daysat the most.
So the MARTA is not where Iwant to end up, but the MARTA
can help me end up where I wantto get to, anyway, moving on.
So he wants to rationalizemedication under supervision,
ideally removing all medicationsand starting with a clean slate
.
His GP has already referred himto IJMU, which of course is the
(05:19):
Intermediate Stay Mental HealthUnit, which I've had two
admissions at before for sixweeks at a time.
That's all on the podcast aswell, anyway.
So he's been referred to Ishmuand to Dr Cyriac Matthews in the
community.
Dr Cyriac Matthews I haven'tseen for years but funnily
enough he's in the public systemso it's hard to see him.
He's like the head ofpsychiatry or something now for
(05:40):
Hunter, new England, new SouthWales Health, but he is the one
that actually diagnosed me withBPD, adhd and the potential
bipolar disorder.
All right, moving forward.
So I've been referred to SyriacMatthews in the community
mental health team.
He's had a previous admissionsto IJMU with some benefit, his
(06:01):
most recent being January 2024.
Elliot feels as though ininverted commas, that he's about
to blow.
He has anxious affect, that'saffect as in sort of emotional
presentation affect with an A.
Anxious affect appropriatelyreactive when discussing
legitimately stressful topics.
His speech is normal, which isinteresting, because a side
(06:25):
effect of ADHD in particular isthis pressured speech where you
you know I'm doing it a littlebit now, I think as well where
I'm really trying to push outwhat I'm trying to say and
sometimes I'd stumble over somewords and stuff because you know
, it's like this bottleneck.
There's all these thoughts thatI want to get out there for
people to hear, but you can onlysay so much at such a time and
(06:46):
I would have thought that Iwould have shown some pressured
speech signs and usually I dowhen I'm at the emergency
departments.
Usually that's a big part ofwhat happens, but I'd say what
happened this time, rememberingback, was that I was so
depressed that I was talkingprobably normal speech just
because I was so depressed andjust out of it and just bleh.
(07:07):
So anyway, moving on, noevidence of psychosis denies
perceptual disturbances.
So I'm not saying things, I'mnot hearing things.
His insight is intact andjudgment good enough that he is
seeking help.
All right.
Suicidality describes havingsome degree of chronic
suicidality for most of hisadult life.
Feels as though suicidality isworsening lately and is
(07:30):
concerned as he feels, as thoughfor the first time it's his
logical mind rationalizingsuicide as an option due to a
reasonable analysis of his in mywords and it's written here it
looks sort of funny shit life.
This is a very professionaldocument that has got shit life,
but that's exactly what I saidmy shit life.
He feels his life is not goodenough.
(07:52):
He's lacking meaning andpurpose and has identified key
goals such as functionalrelationships, children, a
mortgage and own home aspotentially not feasible.
He denies prior suicideattempts or current plan, which
is interesting because I havehad a previous attempt many
years ago now I must have forgotabout that one.
Anyway, obsessive thoughtspirals with constant negative
(08:16):
comparisons to others, regretand retroactive jealousy oh man,
I'm keen to do this retroactivejealousy episode it's going to
be so good.
Describes chronic feelings ofworthlessness, inability to shut
off his inner critic, constantfear of not being good enough or
that things will eventually, asalways, go wrong, even when
(08:37):
there is overwhelming positivefeedback from his external
environment.
He suffers from low energy,waning motivation.
Over many months struggles toexercise despite identifying it
as a beneficial activity to hismental state.
He eats poorly, has chronicpoor sleep, constant ruminations
of shame and substantialhistory of rejection sensitivity
(09:01):
, which is a big one for ADHDand BPD.
A lot of you guys listeningwill be like, yeah, rejection
sensitivity I've heard that thatis a big one Denies forensic
history so I haven't done anycrimes or history of aggression
towards others, that's right,it's all aggression turned
inwards.
He has teenage trauma.
Is currently engaged in EMDRtherapy as well as internal
(09:24):
family systems therapy.
Has a childhood history of veryhigh anxiety from a very young
age, which sounds consistentwith cluster C personality
vulnerability.
So I'll interrupt briefly there.
Cluster C Now.
This has come up before, butthis is probably the most clear.
That has been stated.
So cluster C is a which arecategorized.
(09:53):
So cluster C, there's three ofthem avoidant personality
disorder, dependent personalitydisorder and obsessive
compulsive personality disorder,which is not to be confused
with OCD, is a group ofpersonality disorders which have
a high degree of anxietyassociated with them.
So for me, the one that he'sreferring to this psychiatrist
(10:15):
for me is avoidant personalitydisorder and that's consistent
with my severe levels of socialanxiety and rejection,
sensitivity and not trustingothers, all that sort of stuff.
I've never been formallydiagnosed with a cluster C
personality disorder such asavoidant personality disorder,
because I think at this pointwho cares?
At this point, honestly, Icould have everything.
(10:38):
Who knows?
It seems like I've goteverything.
I've got Elliot Disorder.
That's just the way it is.
So I don't know if there's muchutility in adding another label
to already a cluster of many,many labels.
But it is interesting thatCluster C has come up.
It's come up before but, as Isaid, not this clearly written
in the paperwork like it is here.
Very important and so important.
(11:00):
I may do an episode, I think,on avoidant personality disorder
soon, because that one is notjust big for me, it's big for
quite a lot of people as well.
All right, moving on, where arewe?
He has noticed some abnormalmovements, that's bodily
movements like my T-Rex arms,and he's concerned for tardive
dyskinesia.
So tardive dyskinesia, veryquickly is a condition where you
(11:26):
get it's sort of like motortics of the face, but to a
higher degree and it's comingfrom a different way, a
different pathway, because it'sa side effect of long-term
antipsychotic use.
Now I have been onantipsychotics for a long time
now a couple of years, probablymore than a couple of years both
quetiapine and olanzapinepreviously olanzapine but
(11:46):
quetiapine currently.
So that's why I was a littlebit concerned because my tics
seemed to be getting worse.
Now my tics could be gettingworse because I'm more anxious.
My tics could be getting worsebecause my sleep's getting worse
, but it could also be thesefacial tics in particular
because of this tardivedyskinesia.
So the thing is it's gotsomething to do with your
dopamine levels and how anypsychotics go for D2 neurons in
(12:09):
the brain and all this sort ofstuff.
That's dopamine and it playshavoc with all those circuitry
and then your face sort of showsit to the external world.
Tardive dyskinesia is scarybecause if you stop any
psychotic use it doesn't matter,it can stay with you still
forever.
So once you've got it often,you've got it for life, that's
(12:31):
it, and it's all about managingthe symptoms.
So tardive dyskinesia is scarystuff and that's why I brought
it up with the psychiatrist.
Interestingly enough, hedoesn't think that I've got it,
which is great, great news, butdefinitely something to keep an
eye on.
Even if it's not tardivedyskinesia, my chronic motor tic
disorder is getting worse andthat's causing a lot of problems
.
All right, moving on.
(12:52):
Jeez, ellie, come on, let'sstay focused.
Identify strongly with manyfeatures of borderline
personality disorder yes, I do,and in particular an unstable
sense of self rejection,sensitivity there it is again
Black and white thinking,emotional dysregulation and
unstable personal relationships.
He's also noticed some wordfinding and concentration
(13:14):
difficulties of late.
Yes, I'm feeling dumb, moredumb than normal, but I've got
my theories as to why that mightbe.
But anyway, moving on, that'sfor another time.
Elliot identifies his anxietyas a core feature of his misery.
He feels as though depression,low mood, seems to be secondary
to anxiety.
Yep, and that's the symptomgiving him the most burden.
(13:37):
He also experiences regularpanic attacks when overwhelmed.
I've lost my place.
See, there's the concentrationdifficulties there, right there.
What was I saying?
Experiences regular panicattacks when overwhelmed and
this has been happening moreoften at work as of late,
(13:58):
requiring him to hide in thetoilet until they pass.
Elliot denies any illicitsubstance use, which is half
true, but has tried manysupplements previously, as well
as substantial caffeine burden.
He's described as havingworsening anger towards himself.
Presently he lives with hisparents.
(14:19):
He works at Bunnings Warehouse,but he does identify this role
in the associated social burdenas a key stressor for him.
At present he's exhausted afterevery shift, has large
financial instabilities, whichis also identified as a key
stressor, feels trapped in hisjob to pay for therapy and feels
like it's a losing battle.
He has a psychology degree yes,I do with honours that he
(14:42):
hasn't utilised due to fear offailure.
Yep has been withdrawingsocially and isolating himself
over the last couple of months.
He has had five prioradmissions to the emergency
department since 2019 for mentalill health, each with the
flavor of BPD in crisis andfunctional emotional impairments
.
Elliot has tried manymedications with minimal benefit
(15:04):
and is currently onchlamypramine, 250 milligrams,
clonidine 100 micrograms,vivance, 50 milligrams.
Dexamphetamine 10 milligrams.
Pregabalin, 150 milligramstwice daily.
Propanolol, 40 milligrams twiceto three times daily.
Quetiapine, 100 milligramsViagra PRN, used as required,
(15:26):
uses various supplements,including CBD oil, which I don't
anymore because it's tooexpensive but, as we're about to
find out, that doesn't matterbecause we don't want to be on
it.
Elliot has previously completeda six-month group dialectical
behavior therapy course withbenefit DBT.
Everybody DBT is great hasengaged in cognitive behavioral
(15:47):
therapy, but with minimalbenefit, which makes sense
because cluster B and Cpersonality types usually don't
do much with CBT or CBT doesn'tdo much with it.
And when I say cluster B,that's BPD, is cluster B, no
private psychiatrist currently,as he's struggling to afford it.
Elliot is very open-minded totrying anything and I am and
(16:09):
noted that he felt better evenover the course of our long
conversation, feeling morehopeful.
It was long, oh dear, impression.
This is good stuff.
Here we go Now can I justmention I'm sorry I'm
interrupting again, but Ihaven't actually read this
document through until now.
So a lot of this stuff, likethe cluster C stuff, is
(16:31):
interesting because, yeah, it'sthe first time sort of reading
of this occasion of going to theMater Hospital, so I'm learning
a lot about myself in real timewith you guys here today and,
once again, no other podcast,I'm sorry, goes this deep into
the world of mental ill health,all right.
Impression.
Borderline personality disorderwith cluster C, personality
(16:51):
vulnerabilities.
Chronic buildup of stresseswithout identifiable acute
source, easily modifiablestresses Sorry, without easily
modifiable stresses, that'sright.
They're pretty locked in.
Much of what Elliot needs isnot likely to be available here,
that's at the Marta Hospital,and a prolonged inpatient stay
in a facility like this comeswith substantial risk of
(17:14):
deterioration.
It does.
There is plenty of merit torationalising his medications
and stimulant use, as they maycontribute to a considerable
portion of his symptom burden.
I worry that a long admissionin a facility like this again
the MARTA emergency departmentcomes at the cost of losing
access to regular therapy andadditional risks associated with
(17:34):
the restrictive environment.
That's right.
I don't want to end uplong-term at the MARTA.
The MARTA is for acute stay onlymostly.
You know, a couple of days aweek, two weeks at most, is sort
of what you're looking at.
People with schizophrenia maytake a bit longer until the
antipsychotics sort of work,assuming that's the path that
they go down.
But generally speaking, themartyr is all about acute.
(17:57):
If someone's suicidal, let'sstop them from being suicidal,
get them back in the communitywhere they should hopefully feel
comfortable and then they cando the rest in the community.
That's the plan.
Or you get referred to anotherward like IJMU Intermediate Stay
or an Extended Stay ward, likethis, bloomfield, which I'll be
(18:17):
talking more about in episodescoming down the track, but let's
move on for now.
So, despite all of his struggles, elliot comes across as a
reasonably well put togetherperson who has traditionally
functioned exceptionally wellgiven his challenges.
Can I say that again?
I'm going to read that outagain to my inner critic,
because this is huge.
(18:37):
Elliot comes across as areasonably well put together
person who has traditionallyfunctioned exceptionally well
given his challenges.
Yes, I bloody have, because I'mtough, I'm resilient and I am
not giving in.
I am not giving into this fight, no way.
Okay, he may benefit from along-term inpatient stay at
(18:58):
somewhere like IJMU or anotherfacility and may benefit from
case management.
Yes, I would in the community.
Due to his functionalimpairments, caffeine could be
contributing to a substantialpart of his anxiety load and
should be addressed.
Okay, okay, a conversation withon-call psychiatrist whoever
this is.
She suggests.
(19:19):
This is what the on-call, thisisn't the registrar, this is the
top dog she suggests for me.
Moving forward Again.
I haven't read this before.
So this is interesting.
This is very interesting.
Let's see Acute inpatientadmission not advisable and
likely more harm than good ifthere is not a substantial need
for containment, which theredoesn't appear to be, despite
some ongoing risk of self-harm,primarily related to static
(19:42):
factors that are not amendableto an acute inpatient stay.
No, the martyr is not built forwhat I need Suggestion to wean
off caffeine as slow as needed.
Suggestion to cease CBD oil,which I've already done because
it's too expensive and didn'treally work for me.
Anyway.
Await ishmmu or communityreferral, triaging for
assistance with medicationreview.
(20:04):
So wait for these other wardsto see my, you know, see my
referral and go.
Okay, we're going to dosomething for this bloke, you
know.
And I thought, yeah, I was sortof hoping that, you know, going
to the martyr would put a bitof.
Not that I went up there forthis case.
I went up there because I wasat my wits end, but looking back
(20:24):
now, I would have hoped thatgoing to the martyr might have
helped push my case forward alittle bit, but it hasn't
appeared to be the case.
Okay, continuing Could considera referral from a GP to Hunter
Primary Care.
I've done that before, didn'treally do anything.
But I could try again.
A GP to a hunter, primary care.
I've done that before.
I didn't really do anything,but I could try again.
Consider a GP referral forconsideration of esketamine,
(20:45):
likely after reduction incaffeine and medication
rationalization.
Now ketamine's great.
I'm all for having ketamine.
That is one avenue that Ihaven't gone down before.
It's only pretty new here inAustralia and I think it's
pretty new globally as well.
The problem is it's soexpensive and hard to get on it.
It's not just like here's ascript for ezketamine, go for it
(21:07):
.
You got to book in with apsychiatrist or, I think, maybe
a psychologist.
You got to do therapy whileyou're doing the treatment.
It's a huge, huge thing and I'mall for it.
Don't get me wrong.
Let's go, let's bring it on.
But it takes a lot of sort ofbackground work to get to the
point where you're in thatclinic having the ezketamine and
that's where I struggle becauseI'm not good at the background
(21:28):
work because of this ADHD.
Anyway, moving on.
So this is the plan, movingforward.
So discharge home, which iswhat happened.
Gp follow-up within one week.
Tick, that's the next episodecoming.
Await outcome of community ishmureferrals, which I'm still
waiting GP to kindly considerreferrals for TMS, which is
(21:49):
transcranial magnetic.
What's the S stand for?
See, this is part of theproblem with me not being able
to remember words.
This keeps happening.
This is very concerning.
So let me Google TMS, which isR-TMS, because it's repetitive
transcranial magneticstimulation.
(22:09):
Maybe Is it stimulation, it is.
Ellie, got it right, you'll beall T, oh dear, all right, okay,
so, yeah, so that's TMS.
So TMS, very quickly, is likethe newer version of
electroconvulsive therapy, ect,where they shock the brain, but
this is a much more targetedsort of target specific brain
(22:32):
areas.
It doesn't go across the wholebrain.
You don't lose memories, thatsort of stuff Anyway.
So TMS again is a newish sortof therapy, or not therapy, but
it's a newish sort ofintervention in Australia and
again, it's expensive andthere's a lot of work goes into
having to get it.
So it's not as simple as justsaying, yep, here's your
(22:55):
referral for TMS.
Go there, have a good time.
Here's some mesketamine, givethat nasal spray.
Go, happy days.
It's not that easy, or else I'dbe doing them already.
Trust me, continuing, please,elliot.
Please wean off caffeine.
Based on symptom burden, it islikely to be contributing to
baseline anxiety.
Cease CBD oil.
Please continue withpsychotherapy, emdr therapy and
(23:17):
internal family systems therapyand try to manifest some
behavioral adjustments such asregular exercise and trying to
improve social engagement, whichis difficult, is very difficult
If your condition now it'stalking to me.
If your condition worsens it'sfunny how this is obviously
someone else has written thispart, because this is the it's
(23:40):
gone.
What third person to firstperson.
If your condition worsens orhave any other concerns, please
seek medical attention.
If you become acutely suicidal,we are always available for
containment-focused admission,kind regards and all the best.
Calvary Martyr Hospital.
All right, so that's the story.
There's a little bit more infohere.
(24:00):
A lot of it's sort of rehashed.
There's not much there.
I'll read it out.
So the whole document's readout.
It's just sort of rehashingwhat we already know.
But primary diagnosisborderline personality disorder,
severe generalized anxietydisorder, social anxiety
disorder, autism, adhd, ocd,potential bipolar disorder.
There are cluster C personalityvulnerabilities.
(24:23):
At least Discharge medications.
There were none.
I was not given anybenzodiazepines, which is a good
thing.
This time I didn't need them,which is great, because although
they work so well for anxiety,they're dangerous.
They're so dangerous.
No changes to medicationsduring admission.
Changes to existing medicationsdiscussed with patient
(24:46):
discharge medication list wasnot provided, but action plan
was given to patient slash carer, which is me, and that my
friends.
Can you hear that?
That is me.
Turning to the last page of thedischarge papers for this
episode, fair dinkum, I'll tellyou this story just grows and
grows and grows.
(25:06):
And, yes, it's good for podcastcontent.
It's great for podcast content,I'll give it that.
But I'll tell you I'm gettingtired, I'm getting worn out and
I really, really, am desperatefor the New South Wales public
mental health system to pleaseget me on board, not as a job
but as a worker, as a patient,and help me fix these
(25:29):
medications so I can changecareers and live the life that I
want to live and start earningsome real money and all that
sort of stuff.
It's just, it's so difficultbecause usually people when they
go to admissions to like thisand go to instrument stuff, it
takes a while for the patient toget on board with things you
know, because usually thepatient has got you know, at the
(25:49):
very least, anxiety anddepression sort of
manifestations.
So with the depression you'rethinking what's the point of
this?
Ain't going to work anyway.
Life's Life's meaningless and Imay as well end it now.
Sorry, I shouldn't talk likethat, but you know what I mean.
That's what depression does.
You're on the back footstraight away.
It's like no mate.
No, this is a complete waste oftime.
(26:10):
Don't worry about it, brother.
Don't worry about it.
We'll just mope around likenormal.
And then the anxiety is sayingwe shouldn't do this, because
this is scary.
Something big and bad is goingto happen, something
catastrophic.
These medications are going tochange who I am blah, blah, blah
, blah.
But the thing is, I went throughthat process years ago.
As I said, my first admissionwas 2019.
(26:31):
It could have been a lotearlier than that, but 2019 was
my first admission when I comeback from the United Kingdom,
which was great because that'swhere I got a lot of my
diagnosis and things sort ofhappened.
And it was also great becausethat's where I finally
discovered that, yes, there issomething wrong, elliot, but we
can do something about it, and Iwas committed to the cause.
If you want to hear more aboutthat, that first initial
(26:55):
inpatient stay of mine at theMarta Hospital I was there for
two days or something.
The first episode of thispodcast, the cycle with Diane
and me that is from that timeperiod back in 2019.
Great episode, great episode.
What a way to kick things off.
But the thing is, what I'mtrying to say is my fighting the
system, fighting potential waysforward, all that sort of nah,
(27:17):
it's not going to work.
It's not going to work.
I'm too scared to do it anyway.
This is freaking me out.
You know, I've got rid of that,that's all gone.
I am the most willing patientthat you will find.
It's said in there that Elliotis open to trailing anything and
it's true.
I said to him give meelectroshocks.
If that's going to help, Idon't care, I'll lose some
memories, whatever, because Icannot keep living like this.
(27:37):
Shock me brain, let's go.
You know a little side point mygrandfather he had I'd like to
do some episodes on me Popactually he's not with us,
unfortunately, anymore but hehad a very complex mental health
history as well and you cansort of see the connections
between me and him.
He had ECT a few times, gotquite a few of those electric
(27:58):
shocks of the brain, and itworked really well for him.
So I said this I'm like, hey, Iknow that's sort of a last
resort thing now because there'ssome potential downsides big
time, but I'm willing to doanything, let's go.
Oh, it's so frustrating, so sofrustrating.
But anyway that, ladies andgentlemen, that is the discharge
papers.
(28:18):
Again, that's the latest, orit's almost the latest on my
story.
There's a bit more still tocome.
So I've been to the gp veryrecently and that was a big, big
one there, and I've got a fewbits of paper to read out about
that as well.
They're not quite dischargepapers, but heading in there, I
don't know.
It highlights quite well howdifficult things have been for
(28:38):
me and like how I sort of needhelp.
You know what I mean.
My GP is big on board, themartyr's on board.
The problem is the New SouthWales mental health system is in
turmoil at the moment because,well, if you want to hear about
that, I've done an episode onthe New South Wales mental
health system.
Search for it, it'll come up.
But it is on its knees atpresent and unfortunately people
(28:59):
such as me and it ain't just me, there's plenty of people out
there are falling through thecracks because the system just
cannot hope.
All right, that's enough.
I've said too much.
You can tell that thedexamphetamine has sort of
kicked in.
Pressured speech remember I wastalking about pressured speech
earlier.
There's plenty of that going onat the moment, but that's all
for now.
Thank you for listening.
If you're enjoying the show,feel free to like, subscribe,
(29:22):
give us a great rating, becauseit's really good for the
algorithm and you can share theshow around with your mates.
You can follow me on Instagramat elliotttwaters, and now, I'm
happy to say, you can alsofollow the podcast on Facebook.
Just search the DysregulatedPodcast.
All the info is there.
I've just kicked it off, soit'd be great if you would give
(29:43):
us a follow and stay up to datewith how things are going.
All right, thank you, everybody.
I'll catch you next time hereon the Dysregulated Podcast.
You.
G'day everybody.
My name is Elliot Waters andyou're listening to the
Dysregulated Podcast.
As always.
Thank you for tuning in.
Today's episode is the next inthis ever-evolving story.
This is the discharge papersthe discharge papers from my
most recent presentation to theMarta Mental Health Hospital.
So a bit of background, a bitof context.
(00:33):
There's an episode I did acouple of weeks ago called Back
to the Marta.
I think it was searching foranswers.
So that episode saw me sittingout the front of the hospital at
the bus stop, talking into myphone at whatever time it was
like 1am or something explainingto you guys exactly what was
going on.
So this episode is the nextpart of that night.
(00:54):
So when I go into the hospitaland present and then speak to
the psychiatrists and come upwith some sort of plan moving
forward.
So this is very muchintrinsically linked with that
episode.
So if you haven't listened tothe Back to the Martyr episode
yet, I would suggest listeningto that first, then listening to
this Now.
Can I just say no other podcastI'm sorry, no other podcast on
(01:17):
the internet goes to the depthsand to the vulnerabilities of
mental ill health like this one.
If you can find me anotherpodcast that will talk and do
episodes live from the hospitalthrough my phone at my most
acute moments and then gothrough the discharge papers
later on.
There's no secrets here.
This is an open book.
This is mental ill health andI'm telling you all about it and
(01:40):
this is my story, and my story,unfortunately, is well, not
unfortunately, but it's stillevolving over and over again.
And this is my story and mystory unfortunately well, not
unfortunately, but it's stillevolving over and over again,
and I hate to say it, but therecould be more discharge papers
coming, which is good forpodcast content, but not so good
for poor old Elliot.
Anyway, enough about that,let's get into it.
This is the discharge papers.
This is what the psychiatristsand the nurses were thinking
(02:03):
upon my presentation to theMater Hospital during my most
acute moments.
All right, here we go.
So if you can hear thisrustling noise, that is because
this is literally the papersthat they gave me when I left
the hospital.
Literally, it's not a copy,it's not a printout, this is
literally it.
This is exactly what I wasgiven, and now I'm giving it to
(02:24):
you.
Anyway, enough enough, elliot,come on, stay focused.
All right, let me just getmicrophone in position because
these episodes are pretty, youknow, pretty big.
I've got to relax, got to getready.
All right, here we go.
James Fletcher Martyr, mentalHealth Service Discharge,
referral Emergency DepartmentDischarge Refer referral paper.
(02:44):
Mr Elliot Thomas Waters, thatwould be me.
Okay so, nurse triage notes 34year old male, presents
voluntarily with suicidalideation, worsening anxiety and
general frustration and angerand that's been a theme of the
podcast over the last couple ofmonths general end of my head
space.
Lots of frustration, lots ofanger.
(03:04):
He has a history of attentiondeficit, hyperactive disorder,
obsessive compulsive disorder,borderline personality disorder,
autism, anxiety disorders.
Okay so, presenting problem.
This is now the psychiatristpresenting problem and
significant events 34-year-oldmale presenting with acute,
(03:25):
chronic suicidal ideation incontext of chronic psychosocial
stresses and a lack of meaningon a background of complicated
psychiatric and developmentalhistory.
Lots of chronic will bementioned throughout this
because this is chronic.
This doesn't leave me alone,unfortunately.
Has a history of borderlinepersonality disorder, potential
(03:47):
bipolar affective disorder.
Type two has attention deficit,hyperactive disorder, autism
spectrum disorder, highfunctioning obsessive compulsive
disorder, severe anxietydisorders that are lifelong,
generalized anxiety disorder,social anxiety disorder and
caffeine use disorder.
Elliot is cooperative, of course, and appropriately reactive
(04:10):
throughout the interview.
Hell yeah, I'll switch it on.
He is very here we go, comingin a critic, let me say it.
Let me say it in a critic.
He is very articulate andclearly intelligent.
Of course I am.
He has an impressive amount ofinsight into his mental health
struggles.
He is help-seeking andfuture-focused.
(04:33):
He feels as though he's onsubstantial amounts of
medication with minimal benefitand he is seeking a long
admission, not necessarily withus in brackets, to help wean and
rationalize medication undersupervision.
So when it says not necessarilywith us, that's because the
MARTA is an acute care setting,mental health setting.
(04:55):
You don't get any longadmissions there.
It's usually a couple of daysat the most.
So the MARTA is not where Iwant to end up, but the MARTA
can help me end up where I wantto get to, anyway, moving on.
So he wants to rationalizemedication under supervision,
ideally removing all medicationsand starting with a clean slate
.
His GP has already referred himto IJMU, which of course is the
(05:19):
Intermediate Stay Mental HealthUnit, which I've had two
admissions at before for sixweeks at a time.
That's all on the podcast aswell, anyway.
So he's been referred to Ishmuand to Dr Cyriac Matthews in the
community.
Dr Cyriac Matthews I haven'tseen for years but funnily
enough he's in the public systemso it's hard to see him.
He's like the head ofpsychiatry or something now for
(05:40):
Hunter, new England, new SouthWales Health, but he is the one
that actually diagnosed me withBPD, adhd and the potential
bipolar disorder.
All right, moving forward.
So I've been referred to SyriacMatthews in the community
mental health team.
He's had a previous admissionsto IJMU with some benefit, his
(06:01):
most recent being January 2024.
Elliot feels as though ininverted commas, that he's about
to blow.
He has anxious affect, that'saffect as in sort of emotional
presentation affect with an A.
Anxious affect appropriatelyreactive when discussing
legitimately stressful topics.
His speech is normal, which isinteresting, because a side
(06:25):
effect of ADHD in particular isthis pressured speech where you
you know I'm doing it a littlebit now, I think as well where
I'm really trying to push outwhat I'm trying to say and
sometimes I'd stumble over somewords and stuff because you know
, it's like this bottleneck.
There's all these thoughts thatI want to get out there for
people to hear, but you can onlysay so much at such a time and
(06:46):
I would have thought that Iwould have shown some pressured
speech signs and usually I dowhen I'm at the emergency
departments.
Usually that's a big part ofwhat happens, but I'd say what
happened this time, rememberingback, was that I was so
depressed that I was talkingprobably normal speech just
because I was so depressed andjust out of it and just bleh.
(07:07):
So anyway, moving on, noevidence of psychosis denies
perceptual disturbances.
So I'm not saying things, I'mnot hearing things.
His insight is intact andjudgment good enough that he is
seeking help.
All right.
Suicidality describes havingsome degree of chronic
suicidality for most of hisadult life.
Feels as though suicidality isworsening lately and is
(07:30):
concerned as he feels, as thoughfor the first time it's his
logical mind rationalizingsuicide as an option due to a
reasonable analysis of his in mywords and it's written here it
looks sort of funny shit life.
This is a very professionaldocument that has got shit life,
but that's exactly what I saidmy shit life.
He feels his life is not goodenough.
(07:52):
He's lacking meaning andpurpose and has identified key
goals such as functionalrelationships, children, a
mortgage and own home aspotentially not feasible.
He denies prior suicideattempts or current plan, which
is interesting because I havehad a previous attempt many
years ago now I must have forgotabout that one.
Anyway, obsessive thoughtspirals with constant negative
(08:16):
comparisons to others, regretand retroactive jealousy oh man,
I'm keen to do this retroactivejealousy episode it's going to
be so good.
Describes chronic feelings ofworthlessness, inability to shut
off his inner critic, constantfear of not being good enough or
that things will eventually, asalways, go wrong, even when
(08:37):
there is overwhelming positivefeedback from his external
environment.
He suffers from low energy,waning motivation.
Over many months struggles toexercise despite identifying it
as a beneficial activity to hismental state.
He eats poorly, has chronicpoor sleep, constant ruminations
of shame and substantialhistory of rejection sensitivity
(09:01):
, which is a big one for ADHDand BPD.
A lot of you guys listeningwill be like, yeah, rejection
sensitivity I've heard that thatis a big one Denies forensic
history so I haven't done anycrimes or history of aggression
towards others, that's right,it's all aggression turned
inwards.
He has teenage trauma.
Is currently engaged in EMDRtherapy as well as internal
(09:24):
family systems therapy.
Has a childhood history of veryhigh anxiety from a very young
age, which sounds consistentwith cluster C personality
vulnerability.
So I'll interrupt briefly there.
Cluster C Now.
This has come up before, butthis is probably the most clear.
That has been stated.
So cluster C is a which arecategorized.
(09:53):
So cluster C, there's three ofthem avoidant personality
disorder, dependent personalitydisorder and obsessive
compulsive personality disorder,which is not to be confused
with OCD, is a group ofpersonality disorders which have
a high degree of anxietyassociated with them.
So for me, the one that he'sreferring to this psychiatrist
(10:15):
for me is avoidant personalitydisorder and that's consistent
with my severe levels of socialanxiety and rejection,
sensitivity and not trustingothers, all that sort of stuff.
I've never been formallydiagnosed with a cluster C
personality disorder such asavoidant personality disorder,
because I think at this pointwho cares?
At this point, honestly, Icould have everything.
(10:38):
Who knows?
It seems like I've goteverything.
I've got Elliot Disorder.
That's just the way it is.
So I don't know if there's muchutility in adding another label
to already a cluster of many,many labels.
But it is interesting thatCluster C has come up.
It's come up before but, as Isaid, not this clearly written
in the paperwork like it is here.
Very important and so important.
(11:00):
I may do an episode, I think,on avoidant personality disorder
soon, because that one is notjust big for me, it's big for
quite a lot of people as well.
All right, moving on, where arewe?
He has noticed some abnormalmovements, that's bodily
movements like my T-Rex arms,and he's concerned for tardive
dyskinesia.
So tardive dyskinesia, veryquickly is a condition where you
(11:26):
get it's sort of like motortics of the face, but to a
higher degree and it's comingfrom a different way, a
different pathway, because it'sa side effect of long-term
antipsychotic use.
Now I have been onantipsychotics for a long time
now a couple of years, probablymore than a couple of years both
quetiapine and olanzapinepreviously olanzapine but
(11:46):
quetiapine currently.
So that's why I was a littlebit concerned because my tics
seemed to be getting worse.
Now my tics could be gettingworse because I'm more anxious.
My tics could be getting worsebecause my sleep's getting worse
, but it could also be thesefacial tics in particular
because of this tardivedyskinesia.
So the thing is it's gotsomething to do with your
dopamine levels and how anypsychotics go for D2 neurons in
(12:09):
the brain and all this sort ofstuff.
That's dopamine and it playshavoc with all those circuitry
and then your face sort of showsit to the external world.
Tardive dyskinesia is scarybecause if you stop any
psychotic use it doesn't matter,it can stay with you still
forever.
So once you've got it often,you've got it for life, that's
(12:31):
it, and it's all about managingthe symptoms.
So tardive dyskinesia is scarystuff and that's why I brought
it up with the psychiatrist.
Interestingly enough, hedoesn't think that I've got it,
which is great, great news, butdefinitely something to keep an
eye on.
Even if it's not tardivedyskinesia, my chronic motor tic
disorder is getting worse andthat's causing a lot of problems
.
All right, moving on.
(12:52):
Jeez, ellie, come on, let'sstay focused.
Identify strongly with manyfeatures of borderline
personality disorder yes, I do,and in particular an unstable
sense of self rejection,sensitivity there it is again
Black and white thinking,emotional dysregulation and
unstable personal relationships.
He's also noticed some wordfinding and concentration
(13:14):
difficulties of late.
Yes, I'm feeling dumb, moredumb than normal, but I've got
my theories as to why that mightbe.
But anyway, moving on, that'sfor another time.
Elliot identifies his anxietyas a core feature of his misery.
He feels as though depression,low mood, seems to be secondary
to anxiety.
Yep, and that's the symptomgiving him the most burden.
(13:37):
He also experiences regularpanic attacks when overwhelmed.
I've lost my place.
See, there's the concentrationdifficulties there, right there.
What was I saying?
Experiences regular panicattacks when overwhelmed and
this has been happening moreoften at work as of late,
(13:58):
requiring him to hide in thetoilet until they pass.
Elliot denies any illicitsubstance use, which is half
true, but has tried manysupplements previously, as well
as substantial caffeine burden.
He's described as havingworsening anger towards himself.
Presently he lives with hisparents.
(14:19):
He works at Bunnings Warehouse,but he does identify this role
in the associated social burdenas a key stressor for him.
At present he's exhausted afterevery shift, has large
financial instabilities, whichis also identified as a key
stressor, feels trapped in hisjob to pay for therapy and feels
like it's a losing battle.
He has a psychology degree yes,I do with honours that he
(14:42):
hasn't utilised due to fear offailure.
Yep has been withdrawingsocially and isolating himself
over the last couple of months.
He has had five prioradmissions to the emergency
department since 2019 for mentalill health, each with the
flavor of BPD in crisis andfunctional emotional impairments
.
Elliot has tried manymedications with minimal benefit
(15:04):
and is currently onchlamypramine, 250 milligrams,
clonidine 100 micrograms,vivance, 50 milligrams.
Dexamphetamine 10 milligrams.
Pregabalin, 150 milligramstwice daily.
Propanolol, 40 milligrams twiceto three times daily.
Quetiapine, 100 milligramsViagra PRN, used as required,
(15:26):
uses various supplements,including CBD oil, which I don't
anymore because it's tooexpensive but, as we're about to
find out, that doesn't matterbecause we don't want to be on
it.
Elliot has previously completeda six-month group dialectical
behavior therapy course withbenefit DBT.
Everybody DBT is great hasengaged in cognitive behavioral
(15:47):
therapy, but with minimalbenefit, which makes sense
because cluster B and Cpersonality types usually don't
do much with CBT or CBT doesn'tdo much with it.
And when I say cluster B,that's BPD, is cluster B, no
private psychiatrist currently,as he's struggling to afford it.
Elliot is very open-minded totrying anything and I am and
(16:09):
noted that he felt better evenover the course of our long
conversation, feeling morehopeful.
It was long, oh dear, impression.
This is good stuff.
Here we go Now can I justmention I'm sorry I'm
interrupting again, but Ihaven't actually read this
document through until now.
So a lot of this stuff, likethe cluster C stuff, is
(16:31):
interesting because, yeah, it'sthe first time sort of reading
of this occasion of going to theMater Hospital, so I'm learning
a lot about myself in real timewith you guys here today and,
once again, no other podcast,I'm sorry, goes this deep into
the world of mental ill health,all right.
Impression.
Borderline personality disorderwith cluster C, personality
(16:51):
vulnerabilities.
Chronic buildup of stresseswithout identifiable acute
source, easily modifiablestresses Sorry, without easily
modifiable stresses, that'sright.
They're pretty locked in.
Much of what Elliot needs isnot likely to be available here,
that's at the Marta Hospital,and a prolonged inpatient stay
in a facility like this comeswith substantial risk of
(17:14):
deterioration.
It does.
There is plenty of merit torationalising his medications
and stimulant use, as they maycontribute to a considerable
portion of his symptom burden.
I worry that a long admissionin a facility like this again
the MARTA emergency departmentcomes at the cost of losing
access to regular therapy andadditional risks associated with
(17:34):
the restrictive environment.
That's right.
I don't want to end uplong-term at the MARTA.
The MARTA is for acute stay onlymostly.
You know, a couple of days aweek, two weeks at most, is sort
of what you're looking at.
People with schizophrenia maytake a bit longer until the
antipsychotics sort of work,assuming that's the path that
they go down.
But generally speaking, themartyr is all about acute.
(17:57):
If someone's suicidal, let'sstop them from being suicidal,
get them back in the communitywhere they should hopefully feel
comfortable and then they cando the rest in the community.
That's the plan.
Or you get referred to anotherward like IJMU Intermediate Stay
or an Extended Stay ward, likethis, bloomfield, which I'll be
(18:17):
talking more about in episodescoming down the track, but let's
move on for now.
So, despite all of his struggles, elliot comes across as a
reasonably well put togetherperson who has traditionally
functioned exceptionally wellgiven his challenges.
Can I say that again?
I'm going to read that outagain to my inner critic,
because this is huge.
(18:37):
Elliot comes across as areasonably well put together
person who has traditionallyfunctioned exceptionally well
given his challenges.
Yes, I bloody have, because I'mtough, I'm resilient and I am
not giving in.
I am not giving into this fight, no way.
Okay, he may benefit from along-term inpatient stay at
(18:58):
somewhere like IJMU or anotherfacility and may benefit from
case management.
Yes, I would in the community.
Due to his functionalimpairments, caffeine could be
contributing to a substantialpart of his anxiety load and
should be addressed.
Okay, okay, a conversation withon-call psychiatrist whoever
this is.
She suggests.
(19:19):
This is what the on-call, thisisn't the registrar, this is the
top dog she suggests for me.
Moving forward Again.
I haven't read this before.
So this is interesting.
This is very interesting.
Let's see Acute inpatientadmission not advisable and
likely more harm than good ifthere is not a substantial need
for containment, which theredoesn't appear to be, despite
some ongoing risk of self-harm,primarily related to static
(19:42):
factors that are not amendableto an acute inpatient stay.
No, the martyr is not built forwhat I need Suggestion to wean
off caffeine as slow as needed.
Suggestion to cease CBD oil,which I've already done because
it's too expensive and didn'treally work for me.
Anyway.
Await ishmmu or communityreferral, triaging for
assistance with medicationreview.
(20:04):
So wait for these other wardsto see my, you know, see my
referral and go.
Okay, we're going to dosomething for this bloke, you
know.
And I thought, yeah, I was sortof hoping that, you know, going
to the martyr would put a bitof.
Not that I went up there forthis case.
I went up there because I wasat my wits end, but looking back
(20:24):
now, I would have hoped thatgoing to the martyr might have
helped push my case forward alittle bit, but it hasn't
appeared to be the case.
Okay, continuing Could considera referral from a GP to Hunter
Primary Care.
I've done that before, didn'treally do anything.
But I could try again.
A GP to a hunter, primary care.
I've done that before.
I didn't really do anything,but I could try again.
Consider a GP referral forconsideration of esketamine,
(20:45):
likely after reduction incaffeine and medication
rationalization.
Now ketamine's great.
I'm all for having ketamine.
That is one avenue that Ihaven't gone down before.
It's only pretty new here inAustralia and I think it's
pretty new globally as well.
The problem is it's soexpensive and hard to get on it.
It's not just like here's ascript for ezketamine, go for it
(21:07):
.
You got to book in with apsychiatrist or, I think, maybe
a psychologist.
You got to do therapy whileyou're doing the treatment.
It's a huge, huge thing and I'mall for it.
Don't get me wrong.
Let's go, let's bring it on.
But it takes a lot of sort ofbackground work to get to the
point where you're in thatclinic having the ezketamine and
that's where I struggle becauseI'm not good at the background
(21:28):
work because of this ADHD.
Anyway, moving on.
So this is the plan, movingforward.
So discharge home, which iswhat happened.
Gp follow-up within one week.
Tick, that's the next episodecoming.
Await outcome of community ishmureferrals, which I'm still
waiting GP to kindly considerreferrals for TMS, which is
(21:49):
transcranial magnetic.
What's the S stand for?
See, this is part of theproblem with me not being able
to remember words.
This keeps happening.
This is very concerning.
So let me Google TMS, which isR-TMS, because it's repetitive
transcranial magneticstimulation.
(22:09):
Maybe Is it stimulation, it is.
Ellie, got it right, you'll beall T, oh dear, all right, okay,
so, yeah, so that's TMS.
So TMS, very quickly, is likethe newer version of
electroconvulsive therapy, ect,where they shock the brain, but
this is a much more targetedsort of target specific brain
(22:32):
areas.
It doesn't go across the wholebrain.
You don't lose memories, thatsort of stuff Anyway.
So TMS again is a newish sortof therapy, or not therapy, but
it's a newish sort ofintervention in Australia and
again, it's expensive andthere's a lot of work goes into
having to get it.
So it's not as simple as justsaying, yep, here's your
(22:55):
referral for TMS.
Go there, have a good time.
Here's some mesketamine, givethat nasal spray.
Go, happy days.
It's not that easy, or else I'dbe doing them already.
Trust me, continuing, please,elliot.
Please wean off caffeine.
Based on symptom burden, it islikely to be contributing to
baseline anxiety.
Cease CBD oil.
Please continue withpsychotherapy, emdr therapy and
(23:17):
internal family systems therapyand try to manifest some
behavioral adjustments such asregular exercise and trying to
improve social engagement, whichis difficult, is very difficult
If your condition now it'stalking to me.
If your condition worsens it'sfunny how this is obviously
someone else has written thispart, because this is the it's
(23:40):
gone.
What third person to firstperson.
If your condition worsens orhave any other concerns, please
seek medical attention.
If you become acutely suicidal,we are always available for
containment-focused admission,kind regards and all the best.
Calvary Martyr Hospital.
All right, so that's the story.
There's a little bit more infohere.
(24:00):
A lot of it's sort of rehashed.
There's not much there.
I'll read it out.
So the whole document's readout.
It's just sort of rehashingwhat we already know.
But primary diagnosisborderline personality disorder,
severe generalized anxietydisorder, social anxiety
disorder, autism, adhd, ocd,potential bipolar disorder.
There are cluster C personalityvulnerabilities.
(24:23):
At least Discharge medications.
There were none.
I was not given anybenzodiazepines, which is a good
thing.
This time I didn't need them,which is great, because although
they work so well for anxiety,they're dangerous.
They're so dangerous.
No changes to medicationsduring admission.
Changes to existing medicationsdiscussed with patient
(24:46):
discharge medication list wasnot provided, but action plan
was given to patient slash carer, which is me, and that my
friends.
Can you hear that?
That is me.
Turning to the last page of thedischarge papers for this
episode, fair dinkum, I'll tellyou this story just grows and
grows and grows.
(25:06):
And, yes, it's good for podcastcontent.
It's great for podcast content,I'll give it that.
But I'll tell you I'm gettingtired, I'm getting worn out and
I really, really, am desperatefor the New South Wales public
mental health system to pleaseget me on board, not as a job
but as a worker, as a patient,and help me fix these
(25:29):
medications so I can changecareers and live the life that I
want to live and start earningsome real money and all that
sort of stuff.
It's just, it's so difficultbecause usually people when they
go to admissions to like thisand go to instrument stuff, it
takes a while for the patient toget on board with things you
know, because usually thepatient has got you know, at the
(25:49):
very least, anxiety anddepression sort of
manifestations.
So with the depression you'rethinking what's the point of
this?
Ain't going to work anyway.
Life's Life's meaningless and Imay as well end it now.
Sorry, I shouldn't talk likethat, but you know what I mean.
That's what depression does.
You're on the back footstraight away.
It's like no mate.
No, this is a complete waste oftime.
(26:10):
Don't worry about it, brother.
Don't worry about it.
We'll just mope around likenormal.
And then the anxiety is sayingwe shouldn't do this, because
this is scary.
Something big and bad is goingto happen, something
catastrophic.
These medications are going tochange who I am blah, blah, blah
, blah.
But the thing is, I went throughthat process years ago.
As I said, my first admissionwas 2019.
(26:31):
It could have been a lotearlier than that, but 2019 was
my first admission when I comeback from the United Kingdom,
which was great because that'swhere I got a lot of my
diagnosis and things sort ofhappened.
And it was also great becausethat's where I finally
discovered that, yes, there issomething wrong, elliot, but we
can do something about it, and Iwas committed to the cause.
If you want to hear more aboutthat, that first initial
(26:55):
inpatient stay of mine at theMarta Hospital I was there for
two days or something.
The first episode of thispodcast, the cycle with Diane
and me that is from that timeperiod back in 2019.
Great episode, great episode.
What a way to kick things off.
But the thing is, what I'mtrying to say is my fighting the
system, fighting potential waysforward, all that sort of nah,
(27:17):
it's not going to work.
It's not going to work.
I'm too scared to do it anyway.
This is freaking me out.
You know, I've got rid of that,that's all gone.
I am the most willing patientthat you will find.
It's said in there that Elliotis open to trailing anything and
it's true.
I said to him give meelectroshocks.
If that's going to help, Idon't care, I'll lose some
memories, whatever, because Icannot keep living like this.
(27:37):
Shock me brain, let's go.
You know a little side point mygrandfather he had I'd like to
do some episodes on me Popactually he's not with us,
unfortunately, anymore but hehad a very complex mental health
history as well and you cansort of see the connections
between me and him.
He had ECT a few times, gotquite a few of those electric
(27:58):
shocks of the brain, and itworked really well for him.
So I said this I'm like, hey, Iknow that's sort of a last
resort thing now because there'ssome potential downsides big
time, but I'm willing to doanything, let's go.
Oh, it's so frustrating, so sofrustrating.
But anyway that, ladies andgentlemen, that is the discharge
papers.
(28:18):
Again, that's the latest, orit's almost the latest on my
story.
There's a bit more still tocome.
So I've been to the gp veryrecently and that was a big, big
one there, and I've got a fewbits of paper to read out about
that as well.
They're not quite dischargepapers, but heading in there, I
don't know.
It highlights quite well howdifficult things have been for
(28:38):
me and like how I sort of needhelp.
You know what I mean.
My GP is big on board, themartyr's on board.
The problem is the New SouthWales mental health system is in
turmoil at the moment because,well, if you want to hear about
that, I've done an episode onthe New South Wales mental
health system.
Search for it, it'll come up.
But it is on its knees atpresent and unfortunately people
(28:59):
such as me and it ain't just me, there's plenty of people out
there are falling through thecracks because the system just
cannot hope.
All right, that's enough.
I've said too much.
You can tell that thedexamphetamine has sort of
kicked in.
Pressured speech remember I wastalking about pressured speech
earlier.
There's plenty of that going onat the moment, but that's all
for now.
Thank you for listening.
If you're enjoying the show,feel free to like, subscribe,
(29:22):
give us a great rating, becauseit's really good for the
algorithm and you can share theshow around with your mates.
You can follow me on Instagramat elliotttwaters, and now, I'm
happy to say, you can alsofollow the podcast on Facebook.
Just search the DysregulatedPodcast.
All the info is there.
I've just kicked it off, soit'd be great if you would give
(29:43):
us a follow and stay up to datewith how things are going.
All right, thank you, everybody.
I'll catch you next time hereon the Dysregulated Podcast.
You.
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