Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:09):
G'day everybody, my
name is Elliot Waters and you're
listening to the DisregulatedPodcast.
As always, thank you for tuningin.
Alright, so a bit of context.
At the moment, I am sitting inmy car.
I'm in the centre of Newcastleand it is absolutely belting
down rain.
So if you can hear raindrops,that would be raindrops on the
(00:30):
roof of my car as I sit here inthe passenger seat trying to
record this podcast episode.
Because I tell you, I've got theshits.
And I've got the shits more thanI usually do.
Yes, there's always a degree ofthat with me, unfortunately.
But at the moment, it'sdefinitely more intense than it
has been.
(00:50):
So more context to this episode.
This week in Newcastle, for thelast six days, it's just been
grey.
It's been raining.
It's been cold.
It's been very, very miserableand grim.
And my mood has tracked theweather just about perfectly.
It's been a real difficult week.
Don't get me wrong, I like therain.
(01:12):
I like the rain.
I like how it's melancholic andgrey.
I'm sort of attracted to thosesorts of sad, blue sort of
feelings you know but this weeki don't know i just haven't
enjoyed it like maybe i wouldhave in the past and it's been
um it's been hard it's been the5 a.m shifts at work so i've
been getting up in the rainsitting on a forklift unloading
(01:33):
trucks well before the sun comesup getting drenched while
unloading trucks which usuallythough that's the thing usually
i would thrive in thatenvironment and i would be like
yes this is living as it's meantto be lived right on the edge
extreme you know look at me goi'm so tough World's Hardest
Worker, but this week I've justbeen so irritable and grumpy and
(01:57):
I don't know, it's just been awrite-off, a complete write-off,
and it's really bugging me,especially today.
Today's been quite brutal.
The reason I'm out here at themoment in the rain driving
around Newcastle is because likeI said I've got the shits and
one of my best coping strategiesone of my most adaptive coping
strategies is to go for drivesand sing songs and that's what
(02:21):
I've been doing I'm amazed thevoice is still up to it because
I was belting out some ACDCclassics just then it was
unbelievable but you know that'swhy I'm here so that's why I'm
out here at the moment it's umit's just on dinner time because
I'm just fed up with feelinglike garbage so i thought you
know what it won't make thingsworse i'll go for a drive i'll
(02:41):
record a potty episode telleveryone how i'm going um
because that usually makesthings feel a little bit better
um as the rain is starting toreally come down now this is
this is actually i'm enjoyingthis this is good thank you for
sharing in this moment with meeverybody um But today, well,
this week has been the same, buttoday has been even more so,
(03:01):
which is these constant moodswings, constant mood swings
from, you know, not exactly 10out of 10 happiness, but I'd
say, you know, middle of theroad, sort of, you know, that's
the peak has been middle of theroad, pretty good.
And then I will swing violentlyto this depressed state.
anxious version um which doesn'tusually last very long because
(03:23):
then i'll swing back up again tothat reasonable level then i'll
swing back down again to thisreally deep low and here's a
very deep low you know this isthe stuff where i'm thinking
about death all the time what'sthe point of even trying we're
going to die anyway who caresyou know that sort of stuff but
these mood swings as the weekhas gone on has got have gotten
shorter and shorter and shorternow when i say rapid cycling
(03:46):
people would probably think ohrapid cycling like in bipolar
But I'm talking rapid cycling ofmoods, as in BPD, ADHD.
This happened, honestly, today,it was like every 10 seconds,
every 20 seconds, boom, shift inmood, boom, shift in mood, boom,
shift in mood.
And it's so...
(04:06):
taxing and so tiring having tokeep going through that over and
over again, the ups and downs,ups and downs.
It just wears you out.
You're being pulled from pillarto post.
It's terrible.
And this has become a realfeature.
It's been a feature of the lastweek, but also a little bit more
than that.
And this is why I want to dothis sort of rejig of the
medications, because I'm nothappy with the fact that I'm
(04:28):
having these brutal mood swings.
Don't get me wrong, they haven'tbeen every 10, 20 seconds for
the whole week.
But today, I'm telling you,today, I was going to say on
this episode, like here, there'sa mood swing.
There's one there.
There's another one there.
But what's the point?
Just assume that during thistime that I'm talking, and this
is what's been happening, I'vebeen doing the whole swing
thing.
Literally just then, just then,I almost stopped recording and
(04:52):
almost deleted what I justrecorded then because of this
feeling that I got all of asudden that this was rubbish and
it was a complete waste of time.
I've now snapped out of that andwe're still going.
I'm still trucking, but that isthe sort of mood swings that
I've had to contend with andthat's some of the mood swings
that are happening here in realtime if you are listening to
(05:15):
this episode that must mean thatI was able to push through which
is good if you don't well thenobviously I couldn't that makes
sense as the rain starts againthe rains but the rain and I
have been totally in sync on andoff on and off you know it's
been freezing today but then thesun come out be real warm
through it but then the rain hadhit again it'd be freezing again
(05:35):
the jump The jumper was on, thejumper was off.
I've just been totally out ofwhack.
Even little things.
So like me fluoro vests that Iwear at work, you know, some
cheap fluoro vest, who cares?
But I cared this morning becauseI left it in the car.
So I went into work and I workat Bunnings Warehouse, you know,
we sell these vests.
So I just grabbed one, wrote itoff and I, hey, look, I've got a
(05:58):
new yellow vest.
But all day it's been bugging methat it wasn't me old yellow
vest, the greasy, grimy one thatI'm used to wearing.
And it just felt off.
It felt weird all day that I hadthis crisp high-vis yellow vest
on.
Honestly, who cares?
But I'll tell you who cares, me,in a big way.
I don't know if this is somesort of autistic thing.
(06:19):
Maybe, you know, just, you know,feeling a bit off.
But man, I was almost on thebrink of meltdown already.
constantly today.
And when I say meltdown, I'm nottalking like crying and stuff.
I'm like talking punching wallsand kicking doors and that sort
of stuff.
So agitated, so irritable.
I had been all week, but todayespecially so.
And it all started at 5 a.m.
(06:40):
this morning when I walked intowork and I was like, God damn
it.
I forgot my yellow vest.
Holy jeez, the world's about toend.
I probably could have walkedover back to my car and grabbed
my old yellow vest and then putit on and walked back in.
But no, no, I didn't.
I didn't do that.
All I did was just stew on itall day and it just bugged me.
Man, it bugged me.
(07:01):
Even my socks.
My socks today annoyed me too.
I had different socks on than Inormally wear and they felt
looser and all day I'm justfixated on this idea that these
socks, they don't feel right.
So I'm in this crisp high-visvest, which I don't like.
I've got these loose-fittingsocks on.
I don't know.
I didn't know they wereloose-fitting.
(07:21):
I thought they were just socks.
But today I was like, nah,they've lost their elasticity.
I'm not liking them.
So I've just been real off.
I've been real flushed in theface all day, real red in the
face too.
I've been having some of thosebrain zaps, which is weird
because brain zaps usuallyhappens if you're drawing off a
medication, in particularantidepressants, which I'm not
doing.
(07:41):
So I don't know where the brainzaps come from, but boom, all
day they've been there too.
It's amazing though how allthese things correlate.
I think there's probably morethan just a correlation there.
I'd say they are related in someway.
I just haven't quite figured outwhat the linkage is between all
these things but you know add tothe list terrible sleep last
night has been poor sleep allweek and that's the thing you
(08:03):
know one of these sorts ofthings on their own is just one
thing on its own but when theystart the multiply you know All
of a sudden you get exponentialgrowth of my rage and agitation.
So the bad sleep is then feedinginto more anxiety, which is then
feeding into, I don't know,being on edge and being
agitated, which is then feedinginto, I don't know, thoughts
(08:27):
that aren't maybe based in logicand even some awarenesses of
mine, which aren't based inlogic.
All of a sudden this vest thingjust absolutely gave me the
shits all day.
This loose socks thing, youknow, like if I'd had good sleep
and I was in a good mood, andall that sort of stuff, maybe
those two things wouldn't havemattered.
You know, that sort of sensoryidea of what was going on today.
But add it to the list of allthose other little incremental
(08:50):
things.
But as I said, you pull themtogether, there's this...
effect it's not just one plusone equals two it's one plus one
equals three you know what imean is that exponential growth
of my disgust in the world andtoday has been a big one for
that and again as i just did mylittle rant there i sort of felt
(09:10):
all right you know doing alittle rant talking about how
agitated i've been all day butthen right then just then bang
swung back and i got on negativeagain and i'm on the verge of
deleting this episode and notpublishing it but i'm going to
I'm going to publish it becauseit's very important because
these days are becoming more andmore common.
(09:30):
And unfortunately...
I do not know how to put thebrakes on these days when this
is happening.
I think part of it too is thestimulant medication.
It is like adding fuel to thefire.
There is no two ways about it.
The dexamphetamine, the Vyvanse,the caffeine, all that sort of
stuff definitely acceleratesthese mood swings and then adds
(09:52):
intensity to them as well.
But that's the trade-off forbeing productive and being
awake.
So I was like, God, what do Ido?
Either I don't have those medsand I can't concentrate at work
and can barely even make it towork because I've got all this
fatigue, can't do anything.
Or I slam the meds as I'm meantto, but that fuels these mood
swings, these violent, brutalmood swings, fuels the intensity
(10:17):
and the frequency of them.
Like, what do you do?
And then that in itself, thatthought, the what do you do
thought, oh, that's agitating initself and anxiety provoking
because it's like, yeah, well,what do we do?
And I don't have the answer.
I can't answer myself with thatone just here I don't know I
don't know what to do and thisis why it's going to be
important moving forward thathopefully I get this medication
(10:39):
reset because Very quickly,although this goes down sort of
a different avenue and I want topull it up here in a minute
before I delete, so make sure Iupload it.
But before I do, I just want tosay too how the medication reset
will be important because theamphetamine medication, there's
no two ways about it.
The stimulant medication, firstand foremost, is being used to
keep me awake.
(11:00):
Definitely.
Attention is maybe comingsecond, maybe.
But it's a long way, way behindthe amphetamine being used to
keep me awake.
And the reason I think I'mhaving so much trouble staying
awake is Because of some of theother medications on, the
chlamypramine, the tricyclicantidepressant is sedative.
The ceracol, quetiapine, ofcourse, the antipsychotic, it's
(11:21):
well known for being sedative.
That's why I have it.
And these medications areworking against each other.
And I can feel it.
I'm telling you, I can feel it.
like in my head, chemically, Ican feel that there's this
to-ing and fro-ing, thispull-push sort of feeling.
And I think it's adding to theagitation and I think it's
adding to the elasticity of mymoods at the moment and these
(11:43):
swings that I'm getting, theseoscillations between sort of
happy and, oh my God, I'm goingto die, the world's going to
end, who gives a crap anyway.
So yeah, so that's what I'vebeen dealing with today.
And I'm annoyed too, becausethis week I really wanted to do
the next, which I'm going to doany day now, maybe tomorrow,
hopefully.
Tomorrow's Friday.
Tomorrow might be a good day.
If it is, I'm going to get thisDBT skills episode done on
(12:07):
opposite action because oppositeaction is so important to my
story and I know it can help somany other people as well and
want to get out there.
So I've got this great episodeall ready to go.
I've just got to record it, justgot to be in the mood to get it
down, you know, pen on papersort of stuff, voice on
recording, just got to get ithappening.
But for those sorts of episodes,you know, I've got to be in a
(12:28):
good sort of headspace to dothem.
And I just haven't been for thelast week, last six days, you
know, I've been just like theweather, on and off, cold,
dreary, terrible stuff.
But anyway, that's the latestfrom me, navigating these very
fatigue-inducing mood swings.
And of course, the more thesemood swings happen, the more
(12:50):
fatigued I get, the morefatigued I get, the more the
mood swings happen.
You know how this works.
A lot of you guys go throughthis as well.
It ain't just me that goesthrough this, but man, have I
been going through it today.
All right.
Thank you for listening,everybody.
If you're enjoying the show,feel free to like, subscribe,
give the show a great five-starrating.
That'd be good for thealgorithm.
And you can always share itaround with your mates and you
(13:10):
can follow me on Instagram atelliott.t.waters.
Now I need to get home becausethe rain is pummeling down and
I've got to get home.
I've got to get to bed earlystart tomorrow.
Wish me luck.
I'll talk to you soon.
See you later.
Goodbye.