November 4, 2025 • 20 mins
This episode looks at what happens when perfectionism gets in the way of creating anything at all. Over the past month, I've been stuck in the repetitive obsessive-cycle of record, doubt, delete, repeat. Each recording felt...off. And my inner critic made sure I knew about it.
I talk through what it feels like, the hesitation before pressing record, the pressure to get it exactly right, and how easily the delete button stalled any progress I was making. Thankfully I am able to share the small shifts that enabled me to get this one across the line. Recording in a different space, lowering my expectations, and letting the stumbles stay in. After all, this is the most honest, real, vulnerable, raw, genuine and fair dinkum podcast on the internet. It doesn't need to be polished and "perfect"!
You can follow me on Instagram: @elliot.t.waters, and the show on Facebook!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker (00:09):
G'day everybody, my name is Elliot Waters, and
you're listening to the DisRegulator Podcast.
As always, thank you for tuningin.
Tell you what, guys, I'mgetting sick and tired of doing
that intro.
Don't worry, I don't mean likegenerally I'm getting sick and
tired of it.
Um, that's not true.
The intro is amazing and isprobably the best part of the
(00:31):
show, let's be honest.
That's what people arelistening for.
The intro, once the intro isdone, that's it, everyone turns
off.
Um, the problem is I'm havingmassive amounts of difficulty at
the moment being able to recordand publish episodes for the
podcast.
Uh, and if you've noticedthere's been a drop-off in the
(00:51):
amount of content I've beenputting out, you would be
correct.
There has been a drop-off, butcertainly isn't because I've
lost the motivation to do thisor the inspiration.
That's not true at all.
I just am encountering a lot ofbarriers to me being able to
produce a recording that I'mhappy with and then to be able
(01:13):
to publish it.
So that's what I'm going totalk about today.
Excuse me.
Um, which wasn't the originalplan.
So what I'm going to do first,because I've thing is I've been
so the origin okay, come on,Elliot.
Stay on a linear path.
So I originally wanted to talkabout something positive and
(01:36):
really, you know, somethingworth celebrating on this
episode, and that is that lastweek uh I was awarded the young
alumni of the year at theUniversity of Newcastle.
If you've got me on socialmedia, you would have seen a bit
about it.
Um, great honor, and I'm so I'mso thrilled that Lived
(01:56):
Experience is not only beingacknowledged for its value, but
celebrated as well.
So that's what I wanted to talkabout today, but I just can't
get it out.
I just keep repeating over andover again.
It's never good enough.
Just deleting things, recordingagain, deleting.
It's an absolute nightmare.
Like, this is nothing new.
(02:16):
This happens every now andthen.
Um, but this has now beenhappening every day consistently
for probably a month now.
Um, so a month for a month,every day I sit down and I just
try and try again to record andbe happy enough with it and to
(02:37):
publish it so I can release alittle bit of the pressure that
is building every time I do adraft recording, delete it, and
start again.
So when I say I'm sick of doingthe intro, I'm sick of doing it
like 50 times every day as I'mtrying to get one good recording
and then not coming up withanything anyway.
(02:59):
So that's what I mean.
Because it's so difficult atthe moment for me to get
anything out and it's doing myhead in.
I'm going insane, which isironic.
I get the irony, um, butseriously, like it's driving me
up the wall because there's alot of I put a lot of I do put a
lot of pressure on myself whenit comes to this show because
(03:20):
um, you know, like I said, themotivation, inspiration is well
and truly still there, it's ashigh as it's ever been.
Um and I think that's almostpart of the problem because I'm
trying to be too perfect, maybe,in what I'm producing, and
that's never been what theshow's all about, you know.
I take pride in the fact thatthis show um has, you know, some
(03:44):
rough edges to it, because inmy opinion, that better
represents the material and thecontent I'm trying to cover
anyway.
Um, you know, like my wholelife is full of rough edges, so
you know, it makes sense thatthe podcast would be a bit like
that as well.
And that's part of my guaranteeto you, which is that it's the
most honest, genuine, real, andfaired income uh podcast on all
(04:07):
of the internet.
So that's part of the deal.
Um, but I think I've lostcontrol when it comes to being
able to control um myexpectations around this sort of
stuff, and as a result oftrying to aim for some sort of
perfection, what I'm ending upwith is nothing recorded, and
(04:27):
that's a hell of a lot worsethan me stumbling over a word or
two, surely.
But at the same time, it'salmost like there's this
compulsion that whenever I makethis slight little mistake, that
I have to delete the recordingand start again.
And I don't even know if theselittle mistakes are actually
like real, you know.
Like what I'm referring to, Iguess, is me stumbling over
(04:50):
words and not being clear or asclear as I'd like to be.
Um, but I don't know if that'sactually true.
Because, you know, I've askedthis question at work before,
I've said it on here as well,that sometimes when I'm at work
and my meds are sort of comingon at once, I feel as though I'm
not able to talk as clearly asnormal.
And I've asked people, youknow, have you noticed anything?
(05:11):
Have you noticed me not sayingwords, you know, properly and
not being able to get mysentences to flow and and
everyone, unless they're justbeing nice, but everyone hasn't
noticed, they don't notice.
They're like, What are youtalking about?
You're fine.
So it could well be the samesort of thing again, but
whatever it is, it doesn'tmatter.
What matters is the fact that Ijust keep repeating myself over
(05:35):
and over and over again, justtrying to get something done.
It's been like this for amonth, and it's really wearing
me out, guys.
It really is because I've gotsuch great material ready to go,
you know.
It's not writer's block.
I don't have writer's block.
I was thinking that at work, Iwas on the forklift earlier.
I was like, why is it that I'mnot able to get these episodes
(05:55):
recorded?
What's the story?
You know, I thought about thewriter's block thing.
I was like, nah, it doesn'treally apply because I've got
heaps of material and content,and it's all awesome stuff that
you'd only find on this podcast.
I just need to be able torecord it and get it out to you
so you can listen far out.
This has always been adifficult process.
(06:16):
It's never been easy doingthese episodes because of that
inner critic that's constantlyin my ear, you know, telling me
that whatever I'm doing is notgood enough.
Um, but most of the time I'mable to push past that and
eventually get something out.
It may take a few times, a fewgoes, but usually I get there.
But unfortunately, lately Ihaven't been able to get it
(06:37):
done.
Maybe this recording, I don'tknow.
This recording, so far we'regoing for six minutes.
Um, most of them tonight Iprobably would have stopped and
deleted by now.
Or there was a little slip up.
Come on, Elliot.
Speak clearly, see pressureson.
This could be the episode.
Um, one other thing too beforeI continue.
(06:59):
I if if I do repeat things onthis episode, if I repeat stuff
I've already said, say at thestart of the episode and I've
forgotten and I've repeated itagain, please just ignore that
part.
Because, like I said, I've doneso many drafts and so many run
throughs and recordings that Ican't remember what I've said.
(07:19):
Everything's just a blur, it'sjust all coming out.
So if I do repeat myself, I'msorry.
Um, but I guess that's part ofthe lived experience, isn't it?
That's that's part of thegenuine, honest, fed income, you
know, guarantee that I have forthis show is that it's it looks
at mental health in all itsglory and also in the parts that
(07:44):
maybe aren't as celebrated forgood reason.
Um, and part of that could beme repeating myself, I don't
know.
Anyway, let's move on.
Um, so yes, so I wanted the todo, excuse me, the alumni
episode, but that's gonna haveto wait, so I'm doing this one
instead.
Now I want to try and describewhat what's going on because it
(08:06):
is, you know, it is clear thatthis is for the most part
anxiety driven.
Yes, there's the expectationsI've put on myself and the show
for sure, and there's anxietythat's associated with that, and
that's definitely playing arole.
Definitely.
Um, there's no two ways aboutthat.
Um, but what I'm finding, whichis interesting but also really
(08:29):
not helpful, is that when I'mrecording at the moment, it's
like I'm speaking in front of alive audience.
Now I've done plenty of youknow speaking engagements in
front of live audiences.
I've been lucky enough topresent to lots of schools and
community groups, and it's youknow, it's it's not easy either.
(08:50):
That's also a very difficultprocess that hasn't gotten
easier over the years, but atthe same time, you know, I'm
able to do it and I think I do adecent job.
But when I record for thepodcast at the moment, it's like
I've got this audience in frontof me.
So there's this pressure, thisextra, you know, this
nervousness I'm getting becauseI'm imagining myself, even
(09:15):
though I'm trying not to, thefact that I'm in front of, you
know, 150 people and they're alllooking at me, wanting to hear
what I'm about to say.
And that is quite anxietyprovoking.
Um, which, you know, a littlebit of anxiety is alright
because it keeps you on yourtoes and and nerves are
important because it meansyou're doing something that's
significant to you.
Um, but at the same time, Idon't think it's logical or
(09:39):
rational that I'd be sittinghere um recording an episode for
the podcast and and feeling asthough I'm doing it in front of
a packed house.
You know what I mean?
Like I'm not, I'm doing it infront of my laptop, you know,
like what's going on there.
So I need to find a way to sortof unravel that that image that
(09:59):
I'm getting every time I sitdown and record because I get
really nervous, and as a result,you know, maybe I do make a
mistake here or there, or or thenerves and the anxiety gives me
this perception that I'm makingthese mistakes, and then as a
result, I delete it because I'membarrassed.
All these people listening mustthink I'm just hopeless and are
(10:20):
negatively appraising me andjudging me, so I better start
again.
Um you know that that that'snot helpful because there's no
audience in front of me, and allit's doing instead of you know
sharpening my focus and makingme produce the best material I
can, it's actually drowning meunder the waves, the ocean of
(10:44):
expectations and anxiety, andI'm not able to get anything
published, and that's worsebecause me not getting things
published makes me very agitatedand frustrated and angry
because the podcast, this isagain to do with the
expectations I suppose I have onit, but you know, the potty to
(11:05):
me is like it's my way out of mylife that I don't particularly
enjoy at the moment.
Um, it's through the podcastand who I'm meeting through the
potty and the work that I'mdoing in mental health.
That's what's gonna get me, youknow, to the places I want to
be.
So the podcast is important andI need it to be successful or
(11:25):
at least as successful aspossible, or at least doing the
right things for it to besuccessful.
You know, I can't just forcepeople to listen, but I do have
control over, I guess, the way Iapproach it and how I approach
it in the episodes that I amable to get across the line.
So when I'm not publishingepisodes, it it you know, you
(11:48):
know me, I spiral so quickly toall of a sudden, you know, I'm
not worthy, I'm inadequate, I'llnever get anywhere, you know,
I'm hopeless, just give up now.
You know, and all thosethoughts just come flooding in.
Because that's the thing.
When I'm anxious, I think thisprobably goes for everybody, but
when I'm anxious, that fuels alot of those negative um
(12:09):
constructs and concepts in mymind, you know.
Let's say the inner critic isthe big one.
So when I'm anxious about theserecordings, the inner critic
gets louder and louder, and it'shard not to listen when the
inner critic is so certain thatwhatever I'm doing is rubbish.
Um, so the anxiety amplifiesthat negativity.
(12:30):
And I haven't been able to getthe anxiety dialed down enough
where it doesn't fuel the innercritic to a level that makes me
keep deleting things over andover and over again.
So that's the problem I've got.
I've got heaps of material,I've got great content coming.
There is no shortage of that atall, but I'm having huge
(12:51):
difficulties being able torecord episodes for the show.
And as I said, this has beengoing on for the best part of a
month.
Every day I sit down and I justtry and try to get across the
line, and I just have not beenable to do it.
Although this episode has nowgone 13 minutes, this could be
the one.
(13:11):
This could be the one.
Um, so very quickly, so withthe anxiety stuff as well, like
it's causing dry mouth real bad,which which I get when I
present in front of an audience,and now I'm getting it
recording on the podcast rightnow, for example.
So dry mouth's a big problembecause then I feel as though I
(13:32):
stumble over words and then Ihave to delete and start again.
You know, the the whole um thewhole cycle begins again.
But yeah, this realization thatthe anxiety is mimicking the
anxiety I get when I'mpresenting for like the Black
Dog Institute, that was pretty,you know, that was a bit of a oh
yeah, light bulb moment.
(13:53):
But now the key is to try andfind a way to get around that.
So I don't have this dry mouth,I don't have this perception
that I'm not doing a very goodjob and that I should be
deleting the recordings becausethey're all garbage.
I need to get away from thatsomehow.
Um, but posting and publishingthis recording, if we get to the
finish line, definitely isgoing to help.
(14:15):
So the reason I'm in my car, Idon't know if I actually covered
this off.
The reason I'm in my car isbecause I'm trying again to get
away from this idea that peopleare watching.
So when I've recorded in my carin the past, it's been to get
away from people potentiallylistening.
And I'm doing the same thingnow, at least that's what I'm
trying.
And it's sort of working.
(14:37):
It is working a bit, but again,I don't want to have to always
record in my car.
I want to be comfortable enoughto be able to do it back at
home, you know, like I havetraditionally done it in the car
every now and then's okay, butnot too much.
Um, so I need to figure out away to get away a way to get
(14:58):
away from this idea or thisfeeling that I'm presenting in
front of an audience when I'mnot, and to get rid of the
anxiety because it doesn't makesense, it's not rational or
logical, and it needs to goaway.
Um, but it's true that the moreepisodes or the days that I
miss, episodes I miss and don'tget published, the pressure
(15:20):
builds and builds and builds,and then the inner critic is
very happy with that and is ableto then use that as you know
evidence of its own kind thatI'm not worthy and not up to it
and that I should just sort ofgive up.
So, you know, I want to stayaway from that.
I want to so I've got to getaway from all this anxiety so I
can be freed up, so I can recordand publish and record and
(15:45):
publish instead of record,delete, record, delete.
Um, because then I'll feel somuch happier about things
because I'm actually able to getthese episodes done.
That's empowering, that's ahuge weight off my shoulders,
and the pressure is releasedsomewhat.
Um, there's always going to bepressure, like I've sort of
alluded to earlier.
(16:05):
There's always going to bepressure because I do take this
mental health stuff very, veryseriously.
And I want to do a good jobbecause lived experience,
whether it's mine or whetherit's someone else's, but you
know, lived experience as aconcept is so vital, I think, to
you know, our communitiesmoving forward.
(16:26):
And I take, you know, I take ona big responsibility, I
suppose, with the work that I'mdoing to try and um you know be
at the at the front of the pack,I guess, trying to create
change in the community.
So I take this stuff veryseriously, but I do need to keep
a lid on it a little bitbecause you know, there's no
(16:47):
point me putting all thesepressures and expectations on
myself so much that that noepisode will ever get published
again because no episode willever meet the standards that
I've set.
Like, you know, not publishingat all is worse than doing a not
a very good job on one or twoepisodes, you know.
(17:07):
Like that's the commitment thatI've given to you guys that
this is going to be the most fedincome, legitimate, you know,
honest, real account of mentalhealth that there is on all the
internet.
Um, that's the guarantee, and Istand by that.
And for me to be able to, youknow, come through on my promise
(17:28):
there, I need to be able to getthese episodes published so you
guys can listen and then we canreally, you know, create
something moving on.
So this episode today was notabout um this was not the plan.
The plan was to talk about thealumni award.
Um, but that will be the nextepisode because I'm thinking
(17:48):
this one might almost be done,which means I reckon this is
actually going to get published.
I have no idea if I've repeatedstuff, if I've left stuff out.
I got no idea.
Everything's just blending intoone.
But all I know is that my innercritic on this recording hasn't
been strong enough to make methink that I need to uh to press
(18:11):
that delete button.
So I don't know, maybe I shouldstop the episode now so it's
done and I can get it published,and maybe we can move on with
our lives, or at least I can,and get on to some better
episodes which are a bit morepositive and a bit more
motivating, and that is theAlumni Award, because I've got
lots to talk about with that,because it's my greatest
(18:33):
achievement in my career so far,and I want to tell you all
about how exciting it is to havewon the awards.
So let's hope now that I don'tpress the delete button out of
um uh you know, just becauseI've been pressing it all night,
that I press it again because Ithink this recording is gonna
be enough.
I think this is gonna be enoughand it's gonna get across the
(18:56):
line.
So thank you everybody forlistening.
Thank you for getting throughthis episode.
It's been quite difficult andit's been you know, it's been
weeks in the making, I suppose,and this isn't even the one that
I was planning on doing.
Um, so you should see how goodthat one is.
Um, but thank you for listeningthrough this episode.
It is a bit all over the shop,you know, it's it's not very
(19:19):
linear.
I've sort of wrapped around incircles.
I've got a bad feeling I'veforgotten some important
details, but really it doesn'tmatter because this is this is
lived experience, you know.
I'm living it as we speak.
You know, I'm anxious, I've gotthe dry mouth, I'm worried I'm
not speaking properly.
I feel like I'm talking infront of a huge or huge
(19:41):
audience, excuse me.
Um, you know, this is livedexperience, it's not all pretty.
In fact, a lot of it's notpretty, but this is as real as
it gets.
As I said, that's my commitmentto you, and that is what this
episode is all about.
This is one of the ugly ones,but you gotta have the ugly ones
to be able to then produce thegood, lovely, colorful, awesome
(20:06):
ones.
Anyway, that's enough yapping.
Um, because I am in the carpark at work.
I don't know if I said thatpart.
Who cares, even if I did or Ididn't, doesn't matter at this
point.
But I think security's comingaround because it's now like
2.30 in the morning.
So I probably should get goinghome anyway, get to sleep and
get this episode uploaded.
(20:28):
Thank goodness.
Thank you everybody forlistening.
I do appreciate it.
The next episodes.
Well, now that I've got thisone out of the way, I'm telling
you, they're all just it's whenit rains, it pours, they're all
comfy, trust me.
All right, I'll stop there.
Thanks everybody, have a goodone, and I'll see you next time
here on the Dis RegulatedPodcast.
G'day everybody, my name is Elliot Waters, and
you're listening to the DisRegulator Podcast.
As always, thank you for tuningin.
Tell you what, guys, I'mgetting sick and tired of doing
that intro.
Don't worry, I don't mean likegenerally I'm getting sick and
tired of it.
Um, that's not true.
The intro is amazing and isprobably the best part of the
(00:31):
show, let's be honest.
That's what people arelistening for.
The intro, once the intro isdone, that's it, everyone turns
off.
Um, the problem is I'm havingmassive amounts of difficulty at
the moment being able to recordand publish episodes for the
podcast.
Uh, and if you've noticedthere's been a drop-off in the
(00:51):
amount of content I've beenputting out, you would be
correct.
There has been a drop-off, butcertainly isn't because I've
lost the motivation to do thisor the inspiration.
That's not true at all.
I just am encountering a lot ofbarriers to me being able to
produce a recording that I'mhappy with and then to be able
(01:13):
to publish it.
So that's what I'm going totalk about today.
Excuse me.
Um, which wasn't the originalplan.
So what I'm going to do first,because I've thing is I've been
so the origin okay, come on,Elliot.
Stay on a linear path.
So I originally wanted to talkabout something positive and
(01:36):
really, you know, somethingworth celebrating on this
episode, and that is that lastweek uh I was awarded the young
alumni of the year at theUniversity of Newcastle.
If you've got me on socialmedia, you would have seen a bit
about it.
Um, great honor, and I'm so I'mso thrilled that Lived
(01:56):
Experience is not only beingacknowledged for its value, but
celebrated as well.
So that's what I wanted to talkabout today, but I just can't
get it out.
I just keep repeating over andover again.
It's never good enough.
Just deleting things, recordingagain, deleting.
It's an absolute nightmare.
Like, this is nothing new.
(02:16):
This happens every now andthen.
Um, but this has now beenhappening every day consistently
for probably a month now.
Um, so a month for a month,every day I sit down and I just
try and try again to record andbe happy enough with it and to
(02:37):
publish it so I can release alittle bit of the pressure that
is building every time I do adraft recording, delete it, and
start again.
So when I say I'm sick of doingthe intro, I'm sick of doing it
like 50 times every day as I'mtrying to get one good recording
and then not coming up withanything anyway.
(02:59):
So that's what I mean.
Because it's so difficult atthe moment for me to get
anything out and it's doing myhead in.
I'm going insane, which isironic.
I get the irony, um, butseriously, like it's driving me
up the wall because there's alot of I put a lot of I do put a
lot of pressure on myself whenit comes to this show because
(03:20):
um, you know, like I said, themotivation, inspiration is well
and truly still there, it's ashigh as it's ever been.
Um and I think that's almostpart of the problem because I'm
trying to be too perfect, maybe,in what I'm producing, and
that's never been what theshow's all about, you know.
I take pride in the fact thatthis show um has, you know, some
(03:44):
rough edges to it, because inmy opinion, that better
represents the material and thecontent I'm trying to cover
anyway.
Um, you know, like my wholelife is full of rough edges, so
you know, it makes sense thatthe podcast would be a bit like
that as well.
And that's part of my guaranteeto you, which is that it's the
most honest, genuine, real, andfaired income uh podcast on all
(04:07):
of the internet.
So that's part of the deal.
Um, but I think I've lostcontrol when it comes to being
able to control um myexpectations around this sort of
stuff, and as a result oftrying to aim for some sort of
perfection, what I'm ending upwith is nothing recorded, and
(04:27):
that's a hell of a lot worsethan me stumbling over a word or
two, surely.
But at the same time, it'salmost like there's this
compulsion that whenever I makethis slight little mistake, that
I have to delete the recordingand start again.
And I don't even know if theselittle mistakes are actually
like real, you know.
Like what I'm referring to, Iguess, is me stumbling over
(04:50):
words and not being clear or asclear as I'd like to be.
Um, but I don't know if that'sactually true.
Because, you know, I've askedthis question at work before,
I've said it on here as well,that sometimes when I'm at work
and my meds are sort of comingon at once, I feel as though I'm
not able to talk as clearly asnormal.
And I've asked people, youknow, have you noticed anything?
(05:11):
Have you noticed me not sayingwords, you know, properly and
not being able to get mysentences to flow and and
everyone, unless they're justbeing nice, but everyone hasn't
noticed, they don't notice.
They're like, What are youtalking about?
You're fine.
So it could well be the samesort of thing again, but
whatever it is, it doesn'tmatter.
What matters is the fact that Ijust keep repeating myself over
(05:35):
and over and over again, justtrying to get something done.
It's been like this for amonth, and it's really wearing
me out, guys.
It really is because I've gotsuch great material ready to go,
you know.
It's not writer's block.
I don't have writer's block.
I was thinking that at work, Iwas on the forklift earlier.
I was like, why is it that I'mnot able to get these episodes
(05:55):
recorded?
What's the story?
You know, I thought about thewriter's block thing.
I was like, nah, it doesn'treally apply because I've got
heaps of material and content,and it's all awesome stuff that
you'd only find on this podcast.
I just need to be able torecord it and get it out to you
so you can listen far out.
This has always been adifficult process.
(06:16):
It's never been easy doingthese episodes because of that
inner critic that's constantlyin my ear, you know, telling me
that whatever I'm doing is notgood enough.
Um, but most of the time I'mable to push past that and
eventually get something out.
It may take a few times, a fewgoes, but usually I get there.
But unfortunately, lately Ihaven't been able to get it
(06:37):
done.
Maybe this recording, I don'tknow.
This recording, so far we'regoing for six minutes.
Um, most of them tonight Iprobably would have stopped and
deleted by now.
Or there was a little slip up.
Come on, Elliot.
Speak clearly, see pressureson.
This could be the episode.
Um, one other thing too beforeI continue.
(06:59):
I if if I do repeat things onthis episode, if I repeat stuff
I've already said, say at thestart of the episode and I've
forgotten and I've repeated itagain, please just ignore that
part.
Because, like I said, I've doneso many drafts and so many run
throughs and recordings that Ican't remember what I've said.
(07:19):
Everything's just a blur, it'sjust all coming out.
So if I do repeat myself, I'msorry.
Um, but I guess that's part ofthe lived experience, isn't it?
That's that's part of thegenuine, honest, fed income, you
know, guarantee that I have forthis show is that it's it looks
at mental health in all itsglory and also in the parts that
(07:44):
maybe aren't as celebrated forgood reason.
Um, and part of that could beme repeating myself, I don't
know.
Anyway, let's move on.
Um, so yes, so I wanted the todo, excuse me, the alumni
episode, but that's gonna haveto wait, so I'm doing this one
instead.
Now I want to try and describewhat what's going on because it
(08:06):
is, you know, it is clear thatthis is for the most part
anxiety driven.
Yes, there's the expectationsI've put on myself and the show
for sure, and there's anxietythat's associated with that, and
that's definitely playing arole.
Definitely.
Um, there's no two ways aboutthat.
Um, but what I'm finding, whichis interesting but also really
(08:29):
not helpful, is that when I'mrecording at the moment, it's
like I'm speaking in front of alive audience.
Now I've done plenty of youknow speaking engagements in
front of live audiences.
I've been lucky enough topresent to lots of schools and
community groups, and it's youknow, it's it's not easy either.
(08:50):
That's also a very difficultprocess that hasn't gotten
easier over the years, but atthe same time, you know, I'm
able to do it and I think I do adecent job.
But when I record for thepodcast at the moment, it's like
I've got this audience in frontof me.
So there's this pressure, thisextra, you know, this
nervousness I'm getting becauseI'm imagining myself, even
(09:15):
though I'm trying not to, thefact that I'm in front of, you
know, 150 people and they're alllooking at me, wanting to hear
what I'm about to say.
And that is quite anxietyprovoking.
Um, which, you know, a littlebit of anxiety is alright
because it keeps you on yourtoes and and nerves are
important because it meansyou're doing something that's
significant to you.
Um, but at the same time, Idon't think it's logical or
(09:39):
rational that I'd be sittinghere um recording an episode for
the podcast and and feeling asthough I'm doing it in front of
a packed house.
You know what I mean?
Like I'm not, I'm doing it infront of my laptop, you know,
like what's going on there.
So I need to find a way to sortof unravel that that image that
(09:59):
I'm getting every time I sitdown and record because I get
really nervous, and as a result,you know, maybe I do make a
mistake here or there, or or thenerves and the anxiety gives me
this perception that I'm makingthese mistakes, and then as a
result, I delete it because I'membarrassed.
All these people listening mustthink I'm just hopeless and are
(10:20):
negatively appraising me andjudging me, so I better start
again.
Um you know that that that'snot helpful because there's no
audience in front of me, and allit's doing instead of you know
sharpening my focus and makingme produce the best material I
can, it's actually drowning meunder the waves, the ocean of
(10:44):
expectations and anxiety, andI'm not able to get anything
published, and that's worsebecause me not getting things
published makes me very agitatedand frustrated and angry
because the podcast, this isagain to do with the
expectations I suppose I have onit, but you know, the potty to
(11:05):
me is like it's my way out of mylife that I don't particularly
enjoy at the moment.
Um, it's through the podcastand who I'm meeting through the
potty and the work that I'mdoing in mental health.
That's what's gonna get me, youknow, to the places I want to
be.
So the podcast is important andI need it to be successful or
(11:25):
at least as successful aspossible, or at least doing the
right things for it to besuccessful.
You know, I can't just forcepeople to listen, but I do have
control over, I guess, the way Iapproach it and how I approach
it in the episodes that I amable to get across the line.
So when I'm not publishingepisodes, it it you know, you
(11:48):
know me, I spiral so quickly toall of a sudden, you know, I'm
not worthy, I'm inadequate, I'llnever get anywhere, you know,
I'm hopeless, just give up now.
You know, and all thosethoughts just come flooding in.
Because that's the thing.
When I'm anxious, I think thisprobably goes for everybody, but
when I'm anxious, that fuels alot of those negative um
(12:09):
constructs and concepts in mymind, you know.
Let's say the inner critic isthe big one.
So when I'm anxious about theserecordings, the inner critic
gets louder and louder, and it'shard not to listen when the
inner critic is so certain thatwhatever I'm doing is rubbish.
Um, so the anxiety amplifiesthat negativity.
(12:30):
And I haven't been able to getthe anxiety dialed down enough
where it doesn't fuel the innercritic to a level that makes me
keep deleting things over andover and over again.
So that's the problem I've got.
I've got heaps of material,I've got great content coming.
There is no shortage of that atall, but I'm having huge
(12:51):
difficulties being able torecord episodes for the show.
And as I said, this has beengoing on for the best part of a
month.
Every day I sit down and I justtry and try to get across the
line, and I just have not beenable to do it.
Although this episode has nowgone 13 minutes, this could be
the one.
(13:11):
This could be the one.
Um, so very quickly, so withthe anxiety stuff as well, like
it's causing dry mouth real bad,which which I get when I
present in front of an audience,and now I'm getting it
recording on the podcast rightnow, for example.
So dry mouth's a big problembecause then I feel as though I
(13:32):
stumble over words and then Ihave to delete and start again.
You know, the the whole um thewhole cycle begins again.
But yeah, this realization thatthe anxiety is mimicking the
anxiety I get when I'mpresenting for like the Black
Dog Institute, that was pretty,you know, that was a bit of a oh
yeah, light bulb moment.
(13:53):
But now the key is to try andfind a way to get around that.
So I don't have this dry mouth,I don't have this perception
that I'm not doing a very goodjob and that I should be
deleting the recordings becausethey're all garbage.
I need to get away from thatsomehow.
Um, but posting and publishingthis recording, if we get to the
finish line, definitely isgoing to help.
(14:15):
So the reason I'm in my car, Idon't know if I actually covered
this off.
The reason I'm in my car isbecause I'm trying again to get
away from this idea that peopleare watching.
So when I've recorded in my carin the past, it's been to get
away from people potentiallylistening.
And I'm doing the same thingnow, at least that's what I'm
trying.
And it's sort of working.
(14:37):
It is working a bit, but again,I don't want to have to always
record in my car.
I want to be comfortable enoughto be able to do it back at
home, you know, like I havetraditionally done it in the car
every now and then's okay, butnot too much.
Um, so I need to figure out away to get away a way to get
(14:58):
away from this idea or thisfeeling that I'm presenting in
front of an audience when I'mnot, and to get rid of the
anxiety because it doesn't makesense, it's not rational or
logical, and it needs to goaway.
Um, but it's true that the moreepisodes or the days that I
miss, episodes I miss and don'tget published, the pressure
(15:20):
builds and builds and builds,and then the inner critic is
very happy with that and is ableto then use that as you know
evidence of its own kind thatI'm not worthy and not up to it
and that I should just sort ofgive up.
So, you know, I want to stayaway from that.
I want to so I've got to getaway from all this anxiety so I
can be freed up, so I can recordand publish and record and
(15:45):
publish instead of record,delete, record, delete.
Um, because then I'll feel somuch happier about things
because I'm actually able to getthese episodes done.
That's empowering, that's ahuge weight off my shoulders,
and the pressure is releasedsomewhat.
Um, there's always going to bepressure, like I've sort of
alluded to earlier.
(16:05):
There's always going to bepressure because I do take this
mental health stuff very, veryseriously.
And I want to do a good jobbecause lived experience,
whether it's mine or whetherit's someone else's, but you
know, lived experience as aconcept is so vital, I think, to
you know, our communitiesmoving forward.
(16:26):
And I take, you know, I take ona big responsibility, I
suppose, with the work that I'mdoing to try and um you know be
at the at the front of the pack,I guess, trying to create
change in the community.
So I take this stuff veryseriously, but I do need to keep
a lid on it a little bitbecause you know, there's no
(16:47):
point me putting all thesepressures and expectations on
myself so much that that noepisode will ever get published
again because no episode willever meet the standards that
I've set.
Like, you know, not publishingat all is worse than doing a not
a very good job on one or twoepisodes, you know.
(17:07):
Like that's the commitment thatI've given to you guys that
this is going to be the most fedincome, legitimate, you know,
honest, real account of mentalhealth that there is on all the
internet.
Um, that's the guarantee, and Istand by that.
And for me to be able to, youknow, come through on my promise
(17:28):
there, I need to be able to getthese episodes published so you
guys can listen and then we canreally, you know, create
something moving on.
So this episode today was notabout um this was not the plan.
The plan was to talk about thealumni award.
Um, but that will be the nextepisode because I'm thinking
(17:48):
this one might almost be done,which means I reckon this is
actually going to get published.
I have no idea if I've repeatedstuff, if I've left stuff out.
I got no idea.
Everything's just blending intoone.
But all I know is that my innercritic on this recording hasn't
been strong enough to make methink that I need to uh to press
(18:11):
that delete button.
So I don't know, maybe I shouldstop the episode now so it's
done and I can get it published,and maybe we can move on with
our lives, or at least I can,and get on to some better
episodes which are a bit morepositive and a bit more
motivating, and that is theAlumni Award, because I've got
lots to talk about with that,because it's my greatest
(18:33):
achievement in my career so far,and I want to tell you all
about how exciting it is to havewon the awards.
So let's hope now that I don'tpress the delete button out of
um uh you know, just becauseI've been pressing it all night,
that I press it again because Ithink this recording is gonna
be enough.
I think this is gonna be enoughand it's gonna get across the
(18:56):
line.
So thank you everybody forlistening.
Thank you for getting throughthis episode.
It's been quite difficult andit's been you know, it's been
weeks in the making, I suppose,and this isn't even the one that
I was planning on doing.
Um, so you should see how goodthat one is.
Um, but thank you for listeningthrough this episode.
It is a bit all over the shop,you know, it's it's not very
(19:19):
linear.
I've sort of wrapped around incircles.
I've got a bad feeling I'veforgotten some important
details, but really it doesn'tmatter because this is this is
lived experience, you know.
I'm living it as we speak.
You know, I'm anxious, I've gotthe dry mouth, I'm worried I'm
not speaking properly.
I feel like I'm talking infront of a huge or huge
(19:41):
audience, excuse me.
Um, you know, this is livedexperience, it's not all pretty.
In fact, a lot of it's notpretty, but this is as real as
it gets.
As I said, that's my commitmentto you, and that is what this
episode is all about.
This is one of the ugly ones,but you gotta have the ugly ones
to be able to then produce thegood, lovely, colorful, awesome
(20:06):
ones.
Anyway, that's enough yapping.
Um, because I am in the carpark at work.
I don't know if I said thatpart.
Who cares, even if I did or Ididn't, doesn't matter at this
point.
But I think security's comingaround because it's now like
2.30 in the morning.
So I probably should get goinghome anyway, get to sleep and
get this episode uploaded.
(20:28):
Thank goodness.
Thank you everybody forlistening.
I do appreciate it.
The next episodes.
Well, now that I've got thisone out of the way, I'm telling
you, they're all just it's whenit rains, it pours, they're all
comfy, trust me.
All right, I'll stop there.
Thanks everybody, have a goodone, and I'll see you next time
here on the Dis RegulatedPodcast.
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