September 3, 2025 • 29 mins
In this episode, I share what came of my latest psychiatry appointment and honestly, it left me feeling pretty frustrated. Again.
I talk about what it’s like trying to navigate the mental health system while dealing with anxiety and depression at the same time. When you’re already running on empty, self-advocacy feels almost impossible. The system wants us to be proactive, but how do you do that when you can barely get out of bed?
I open up about:
- Why the mental health system feels reactive instead of preventative
- How depression and anxiety pull me in opposite directions — one shutting down the future, the other making it terrifying
- My mirtazapine being pushed up to 30mg, moving me into the therapeutic range
- Juggling around eight medications, even though my original hope was to taper down and start again
- The double-edged sword of “insight” - it looks good on paper, but in reality, it often just feeds my depression
- The short, surface-level appointments in public psychiatry that leave little space for the real stuff
- And at the heart of it all - the fact that I’ve lost my ability to laugh and smile, and how deeply that hurts
It’s an honest, heavy one - but I think it’s important.
You can follow me on Instagram: @elliot.t.waters, and the show on Facebook!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 0 (00:10):
G'day everybody.
My name is Elliot Waters andyou're listening to the
Dysregulated Podcast, as always.
Thank you for tuning in,alright.
So today's episode is somefeedback and an update on how
things are as far as mymedication regimen is concerned,
because yesterday I had apsychiatry appointment and I'm
going to tell you all about itright here on the show right now
(00:32):
.
So it goes a little bit deeper,though, or at least this
episode will go a little bitdeeper than just the medication
changes, although there's been alittle tweak which is
definitely worth mentioning.
But as we, things in my worldrun very deep, and unfortunately
a lot of this psychiatryappointment to me felt very
surface level, through no faultof the doctor or myself or
(00:54):
anything else like that.
It's just the way it is.
But unfortunately, these sortsof appointments, you're running
to a bit of a time schedule andoften you don't get the
opportunity to advocate foroneself in detail or as much as
you'd like to, purely and simplybecause of the constraints
around the appointment, andthat's the problem.
See, that's the problem withthe system as a whole.
(01:15):
I don't think this is just forNew South Wales or Australia, I
think this is everywhere.
But the system that we all tryand work with and hope the
system works for us is veryreactive.
So a lot of my story you wouldhear on this show is me trying
to intervene because I see myprognosis is not going too well.
(01:35):
So I try and intervene and bepreemptive before things get to
10 out of 10 on the risk factorlevel.
You know what I mean.
But the problem is, unlessyou're a 10 out of 10, the
system doesn't always pick up onyou.
It's usually once the personsay me has done something, then
(01:58):
the system will come and youknow, do its thing and try and
safely get me through thatperiod of time.
But until that point, until thesomething, whatever that may be
happens, but until that point,until the something whatever
that may be happens, quite oftenthe system just is not
responsive at all.
It's not made really to come inand intervene at the earliest
stages before the risk gets toohigh, because unfortunately the
(02:26):
supply of mental healthprofessionals or the demand for
mental health professionalsoutweighs the supply big time,
especially here in New SouthWales at the moment, and I've
done an episode on the New SouthWales mental health system
previously.
If you want to listen to that Ibelieve it's got some good
insights into the system thatI'm trying to navigate.
But the fact of the matter isyou don't get enough time with
psychiatrists to really go intothings properly, so you've got
to sort of go in there with abit of a game plan.
(02:48):
But the thing is, when you'reanxious and depressed like I
have been and am at the moment,when you're anxious and
depressed, you don't come upwith these plans because what's
the point?
They're not going to work, oryou're not worthy of such a plan
, or there's just not enoughpositive reasons to go in there
(03:10):
and create a plan.
You can't just create a planfrom nothing.
You've got to have some sort ofenergy, some sort of capacity
to be able to think of this planand then be able to speak it
out loud, reproduce it and lookfor the results that you're
gunning for.
You can't do this from your bed.
Until today, I've been in bedagain for like two days, just
(03:30):
scared of living and justsleeping my worries away, except
they're always here when I wakeup, and even in my dreams I'm
having panic attacks.
So there's no escape.
But it's very difficult to behopeful and have some optimism
and come up with a plan, presentit how you'd like it presented
to the psychiatrist and thenthem to get on board with
whatever dream it is that I'vecome up with.
(03:52):
It's very hard for that tohappen when you're depressed and
anxious because you don't havethe energy first off to do it,
because whenever you think ofthe future this is the thing
with anxiety anxiety is veryfuture facing.
So me coming up with a planthat I believe could help me
moving forward involves mehaving to imagine what life is
like up ahead, and to me,because I've got an anxiety
(04:14):
disorder, that is a very, veryscary thought.
A very scary thought.
I look ahead and I see stormclouds and I see hail damage.
I see trees blown over.
My world, when I look ahead, isvery chaotic and it's not a
great place to be.
So for me to come up with aplan that's future focused which
it needs to be as much aspossible that involves me having
(04:38):
to step out of my comfort zone,which is right here in the
moment, and look ahead andpotentially see some sort of you
know sun coming through theclouds and be able to come up
with a way to manage the stormand then be able to get through
it.
So, like I said, that involvesme looking forwards and when I
look forwards I get a lot ofanxiety, so I tend not to do it
(04:59):
much anymore.
And then the depressing side ofthings the depression is very
past focused.
So when I'm looking for someenergy to create this plan that
I want to come up with for thepsychiatrist, you know you look
in the past to see what's worked, what hasn't, and then you come
up with, hopefully, an ideafrom that.
(05:19):
But when I look in the past,all I see is doom and gloom.
It's the same thing, a bit likethe future focus sort of
anxiety.
This past focus, depression isall bad and it's all doom and
gloom and there's not much therethat I grab onto and think, all
right, I'm going to use thisbit of positivity and I'm going
to use this bit of positivity,optimism, for my future sort of
(05:41):
focus, self.
I'm going to put them together,I'm going to come up with a
plan I'm going to present to thedoctor and this is going to be
the way forward and hopefully,all things going to plan.
I'm a little bit happier movingforward but, like I say, I look
to the future scares the crapout of me.
I look to my past and it's allall gloomy, grim, depressing.
(06:01):
The past is telling me we'vetried so many medications,
elliot, and nothing's worked.
There's nothing here to suggestthat a medication change is
going to do the job.
But despite that way ofthinking, I've got to push past
that and come up with some wayto try and get my message across
in a way that is understandable.
So then things can be changedmedication-wise, at least in
(06:23):
this situation with apsychiatrist.
Then things can be changedmedication wise, at least in
this situation with thepsychiatrist.
Things can be changed,hopefully looking towards a
better future and building thatlife worth living.
But unfortunately, yesterday Iwas caught and I am caught.
I'm still in it now.
In this sort of well.
The anxiety is always there.
I'll say that a lot.
But it's true, the anxiety ischronic.
It never leaves.
But depression.
(06:43):
The depression tends to swing abit.
I'll swing into depression fora little bit, then I'll swing
out of it, swing into it again,swing out of it.
It's all very fast moving, butunfortunately I'm in the
depressing storm right now.
I'm in a depressive state atthe moment.
It's taking a lot of energyjust to do this episode, for
(07:05):
example, and it took a lot ofenergy to go to the psychiatrist
yesterday, have the belief thatI could get my message across
whatever the hell that messageis meant to be and then have the
belief and the hope thatwhatever changes we make moving
forward will actually dosomething.
So the problem is, a lot ofpeople will present in these
situations and the ability toadvocate for oneself is severely
(07:26):
diminished.
So you know, for me to go intothis psychiatry appointment in
the mood that I was in yesterday, which has been the way it has
been for at least a fortnightnow.
You know I walked in therewithout much hope, let's be
honest, and it would have beenwritten all over my face, you
know, like I was making zero eyecontact, not a good sign.
You know I wasn't able a bitlike now not able to formulate
(07:54):
my thoughts very well and getthem across, very sort of
superficial, simple, closed offanswers to questions.
You know these sorts of thingsare subtle, but a good mental
health professional will pick upon it and will note that down
as signs that things aretroubling at the moment.
It was a very short appointmentbecause I went in there with
(08:14):
little hope and I sort of justwanted to get the hell out there
so I could get home and retreatback to bed, which I knew was
not a good idea.
I know that.
But at the same time hey, youknow, this is my perception of
the world I'm scared, I'mpetrified and I'm now very
depressed about it as well.
So, you know, I'm doing thebest that I can, and part of
that is going to the appointmentyesterday and it's, you know,
(08:34):
it's good that I made it.
It was a good step that I wasable to go, I was on time, all
that sort of stuff.
But unfortunately, me presentingor the way I presented was not
in a way that is in keeping withself-advocating in some good
way, unfortunately, because Ijust didn't have the oomph to do
it.
I didn't have the drive, Idon't have the belief, so anyway
(08:58):
.
So I went in there.
I answered all the questions.
One of them, for example, washave you had any suicidal
ideation recently?
And I said no, which is true, Ihaven't, funnily enough,
because I don't know.
You would think me being in thisdepressing swing, along with
the anxiety and everything elsethat comes with it.
You would sort of assume, or Iwould anyway, that maybe there
(09:20):
would be some suicidal ideationgoing on, but there's not, which
is good.
So big tick for that.
But that's really what thepsychiatrist focused on, which
is fair enough, because youdon't get much time with the
doctor, you don't get much timeat all in these appointments, so
you've got to sort of runthrough it quick.
And this is why it's hard,because if you're not in the
mood to advocate for oneselfproperly, well then simple
(09:42):
answers will be accepted withoutmuch investigation.
Now, unfortunately, if you peelback the layers of my answers
yesterday, there's a lot morethere than what I was showing on
the surface level.
But you don't get enough timein these situations for that to
happen.
So I answered all the questionstruthfully and properly, which
was.
Things have been difficult.
(10:02):
I feel very anxious.
Still.
My anxiety hasn't improved atall with the introduction of
metazapine.
I'm now having a depressiveswing again, which is not
unusual, but it's also verydifficult to live with and
handle.
But the main thing was thatsurface level things seemed okay
(10:23):
Because again I've got insights.
I'm able to explain this sortof stuff, and insight is one of
those sort of measures that theylook for to tell if you're in
distress or not and if a personhas a great deal of insight.
Usually that's seen as a goodthing, a protective factor,
although, as I say to people,the insight can kill you, and it
certainly can, because theinsight I have into my situation
(10:46):
is not very good.
I've said this before, I'm notgoing to go through it here now,
but I know what's going on.
It's my ability to changewhat's going on and change those
thoughts and behaviors andemotions.
That's the bit I'm strugglingwith and that's the bit that,
unfortunately, the medicationhasn't been able to do much
about either.
So, on the surface level, a lotof questions were answered, but
(11:08):
answered in a closed off way.
My shoulders were slumped, Iwasn't making much eye contact
and I've been speaking verysoftly lately as well, which I
find when I'm in these sort ofdepressing moods that tends to
happen.
I don't speak much and when Ido it's a bit of a mumble.
That was happening again, butunfortunately, because you don't
get much time in thesesituations, the psychiatrist
(11:31):
wasn't able really to peel backthe layers and see what's really
going on.
It had to be quick, you knowyou've got to get the next
person in because unfortunatelythe system is on its knees at
the moment and, as a result,there's not many psychiatrists,
but there's lots and lots ofdemand for them, so it's a very
difficult spot to be in.
So, as you can imagine, amental health professional is
(11:52):
looking for the obvious signs ofdistress.
If they're not there, that's abig tick and then we'll sort of
go through the motions but havea tweak here and there and
continue on.
But unfortunately I'm not ahappy chappy at the moment and
it's starting to really get medown Before I go into the
medication.
What actually has happenedbecause of the medication review
(12:14):
yesterday?
It all comes down to the factthat I've lost my smile.
I'm not laughing like I used to.
I used to laugh a lot.
I don't laugh at all anymore,and that's what I need to get
back to try and figure out a wayto build a life where I'm
laughing again.
That's the plan, and I knowmedications probably aren't
going to do the full job, butI'd like the medications to help
(12:37):
with the process in getting mylaughter back, and I just don't
feel as though they're doing itat this point.
But, as I said, there's beensome changes Very quickly too.
I was asked the question abouthow work was going and I did
explain that I've had to cutback hours at work, the idea
being because I feel so sociallydrained, because my work is
(12:58):
very much customer focused, alot of interpersonal sort of
stuff going on, a lot ofinterpersonal sort of stuff
going on, a lot of talking topeople and fellow team members.
And whatever my belief is, thatis and I still believe this is
that me working full-time inthat capacity has been really
quite detrimental to my mentalhealth.
Not any fault of the job or thebusiness I work with or
(13:19):
anything like that.
It's just, you know, whenyou've got autism and, as well
as you know, social anxietydisorder and everything else
that goes with it, lots and lotsof communication with people
can be very, very tiring very,very quickly.
So working full-time andtalking to people full-time has
proven to be quite difficult.
So now I've dropped back tothree days at work and I'm
hoping that will free up somesocial capacity, some energy
(13:44):
moving forward.
Of course, the trade-off being Idon't have as much money and
that causes a lot of stress andstrain as well.
But I'm trying to find thehappy medium between having to
pay the bills and also living alife where I'm in control and
happy enough and having a goodgo of it.
So that's what I'm trying to doand I explain that and to me
that would ring some warningbells.
(14:05):
But unfortunately we didn'tfocus very long on the fact that
I've had to cut back hours atwork.
It was more about the fact thatI'm still at work.
So I don't know, maybe it'sjust me being negative again and
my perception of everything isnegative, but it did seem to me
as though that little point, thefact that I've had to pull back
from work, was glossed over alittle bit.
(14:25):
But again, you know, I maybedidn't focus on it enough
because I didn't have thecapacity to self-advocate in the
way that I'd like.
I sort of glossed over thatpoint as well, because what's
the point, what's the point ofexplaining all this stuff when
nothing changes anyway andlife's all doom and gloom?
(14:45):
At least that's what I wasthinking yesterday in the
appointment.
So it is hard for people andthis is why psychiatry,
psychology, any mental healthsort of stuff, related stuff, is
difficult, because you do relyon the word of the person going
through something.
You know they're the way thatyou find insight into
so-and-so's, you know demeanorand how they're feeling and
(15:06):
what's going on inside in theirinner world and unfortunately,
if an individual doesn't havethat level of insight, you know
a lot of things can get missed.
But unfortunately too, if youhave lots of insight, like I do,
that can in a way be used sortof against you, in the sense
that having insight is a signthat things aren't traveling too
badly, whereas that's not trueand my insight makes me acutely
(15:30):
aware of my deficiencies andwhere things are going wrong.
I don't have much insight intopositive sort of things.
That's the whole point.
That's why we're having thisconversation.
So again, my insight, when I doshow it, has sort of been used
against me.
But yesterday I wasn't offeringmuch, I was doing very closed
off sort of answers, like I said, there was no real eye contact,
(15:51):
shoulders were slumped, it was.
You know I went in there.
But the thing is I went inthere without risk.
You know you look at meyesterday, I'd imagine, and
you'd say, right, he's obviouslydepressed and anxious and all
that sort of stuff.
You know, the signs are there,it's pretty obvious.
But he doesn't seem like a riskto himself or other people, and
that's true In these sort ofmoods.
(16:12):
I guess my energy and stufflike that, my levels are so low
that I can't even be botheredthinking of those really bad
sort of scenarios because Idon't even have the energy to do
that.
And a doctor would look at meand think, okay, that's a good
sign.
Because I was asked about thesuicidal ideation, I said no,
it's not there, which is a goodsign.
(16:33):
So overtly I wasn't showingsigns of distress, but there
were signs there.
And unfortunately, if you peelback the layers as you know
because you've listened to thisshow long enough you would know
that there's a lot of deeperinner turmoil going on and
unfortunately appointments withpsychiatrists don't often have
the time to be able to get intothose things properly.
(16:56):
And it relies on the individualto be able to self-advocate.
And when I'm, at least in thesevery anxious and depressed
moods I don't feel likeself-advocating.
I'm not very good at it becauseI'm scared of it and I don't
have much hope for thingsturning out positive anyway.
So my motivation, I suppose, tobe able to self-advocate is
(17:18):
just not there, because I justdon't have the capacity to do it
, and that in itself is awarning sign.
But if you're a psychiatristthat's seen me like once or
twice, you wouldn't really knowthat that's something to look
for.
So really what they're lookingfor was signs of risk, and I
didn't show too many signs ofimmediate risk.
So as far as the psychiatristis concerned and this is a tick,
(17:39):
it's a tick on the book, butunfortunately there's a lot of
things working deeper that arenot going so well that I don't
think medication is necessarilygoing to help with.
But I'm hoping the medicationwill help with the road towards
that way of thinking, thatpositive thinking.
So the medication itself isn'tgoing to do it, but it's going
to help facilitate my ability todo it.
(18:01):
Does that make sense?
I hope it does so.
Anyway, back on track, whatactually happens.
So metazepine, theantidepressant that I was put on
remember I was put on sevenmilligrams, then it went to 15
milligrams, now I'm up to 30milligrams.
So that's the medication changethere.
It's interesting.
Metazepine is an interestingmedication, a bit like
(18:21):
quetiapine, seroquel, in thesense that there's different
therapeutic windows.
So I guess for metazepine,between 0 and 15 milligrams
you're looking at more sedationand sleep, a bit like Seroquel
at low doses.
But then 30 to 45 milligrams iswhen there's the antidepressant
properties that show up moreand and that sort of stuff.
(18:44):
So the metazapine I've been onit and it was only really
offering sedation, although notenough.
So the plan was I was going togo on metazapine and wean off
the quetiapine.
Remember, get rid of thequetiapine, stay on metazapine.
The problem is I haven't beenable to get to sleep without at
least some quetiapine.
So what's happened is I've hadto stick with 50 milligrams of
(19:07):
quetiapine at night just to makesure I get to sleep.
But my metazapine has now beenbumped up to 30 milligrams.
So now it's in the zone for theantidepressant properties to
come out and hopefully do theirthing.
So there's a little bit of hope, a little bit of forward
thinking there.
So my metazapine was bumped upto 30 milligrams.
It was decided that thequetiapine will stick with at 50
(19:30):
milligrams for now, still withan idea to try and titrate off
it, but at the same time 50milligrams just to get the sleep
.
And that's the plan there.
But I am hopeful thatmetazepine at the therapeutic
dose will do something.
I have a family member, forexample.
He or she is on metazepine aswell, same dosage, and it seems
(19:53):
to work really well for him orher, for them.
So fingers crossed, maybethere's some sort of genetic
link.
And the metazapine now at 30milligrams will do the job for
me?
I don't know, we'll see.
I'll let you know all about it.
But at the same time anotherfamily member of mine is on
Lexapro or escitalopram and it'sworked really well for them.
(20:14):
But that medication did verylittle for me except make me
sleep.
So I don't know.
There's always you know me, I'mall there's a potential for a
bit of hope here, a bit ofpositivity, and then slam, I
just bang down this negativityand just finish on the negative,
and that's exactly what I didjust then.
You know, I could have justsaid that the metazapine's in
the family and might dosomething good for me, but no, I
(20:34):
had to answer with the Lexaproconundrum and how it didn't work
for me as evidence Remember, Iwas talking about looking back
in the past as evidence thatthings are not going to work.
So anyway, there's a bit of mebeing negative in real time.
So let's just focus on thepositive.
Metazapine has been good for myfamily member, so hopefully now
it's at a dosage that it willbe good for me too.
(20:56):
But it was an interesting sortof appointment yesterday.
It was very surface level.
I was in and I was out.
There wasn't much sort ofdiscussion.
I knew that this was what wasgoing to happen.
I'd go up to 30 milligrams.
I'd assume that was alwaysgoing to be the case.
So it all sort of went as Iexpected and as I sort of
planned, I guess.
(21:17):
But it is hard in thesesituations because there's just
not enough time forpsychiatrists to be able to
assess somebody properly andpeel back those layers.
That can be done in, say,therapy.
There's more of an opportunityin psychotherapy, just because
there's more time to go intothese things.
But these appointments,especially in the public system,
you're in and you're out andthere's not much time to expand
(21:38):
on that.
So you know, and as you know,there's a lot to my story.
I guess in some ways I'm just alittle bit sick of having to
explain it all the time todifferent people, or at least
different mental healthprofessionals.
One of these days I'm going todo an episode which is just
going to be an overview of me,of my mental health, everything,
and I'm just going to saylisten, here's half an hour of
(22:03):
me talking, listen to that.
That's my story.
There you go and then come upwith some conclusions from there
.
I don't know, maybe I'll dothat.
Moving forward, I'm not sure.
But self-advocacy excuse me,self-advocacy is a huge one
because it's so important isable to convey a message that
makes sense about what's goingon and goes into enough detail,
(22:24):
enough depth and focuses on theright things.
Doing that requires a level ofenergy and also a level of
belief that the person sittingopposite you may have the answer
, or a potential answer, to someof the questions that I have in
my life, and when you'relacking on the hope front and
the belief front and don't havemuch energy to spare, the
(22:48):
motivation and inspiration to beable to advocate properly for
oneself is severely diminished.
So anyway, as I said, theappointment sort of went as I
planned, although I'm trying notto plan these things, it's more
as I expected is probably abetter way of putting it, and
you know so I've got nocomplaints there, and what I do
(23:08):
have some issues with is verymuch something that you know you
can't have all day with apsychiatrist, unfortunately,
especially in the public system.
So you know, you've sort of gotto roll with the punches, I
guess, and that's exactly what Idid yesterday.
So I sort of got to roll withthe punches, I guess, and that's
exactly what I did yesterday.
So I was in and I was out.
It was pretty quick and I thinkmy demeanor probably conveyed
(23:29):
that I haven't been having agreat time recently.
But at the same time, I wasasked directly about suicidal
ideation and the answer was Idon't have any of that at the
moment, which is true.
So if you're looking at me andassessing me for risk, you would
say Elliot is low risk.
That doesn't mean, of course,that I'm having a great time of
things.
It just means that I'm low riskto myself and other people and,
(23:51):
unfortunately, those who arelow risk, even if you're looking
for a preemptive sort of movejust in case things do escalate.
Unfortunately the system is very, very reactive and this isn't
the fault of any individual, anydoctors.
I have no complaints about mypsychiatrist that I saw none at
all.
That's just the way it is.
The system is very reactive andit's not very good when it
(24:13):
comes to preempting what mighthappen.
The big explosion needs tohappen for the emergency
rescuers to come into yourheadspace and try and save you.
Without the explosion, there'sno impetus for the system to
send in support Because, as faras this very superficial system
(24:34):
is concerned, unless you're highrisk of hurting yourself or
other people, then you can sortof not be worried about too much
because you're low risk.
So the system is very reactiveand I certainly don't blame any
individual in the system.
It's just the way that it is.
And it's very frustrating forsomeone like me who does have a
high degree of insight, becauseI can see that things are not
(24:56):
going well and I can seeopportunities where some
interventions in my past youknow past could have really
turned things and made thingsdifferent.
But unfortunately I haven'tbeen afforded that opportunity
because the system just is notbuilt for that sort of stuff.
So insight is a good thing andagain, psychiatrists will look
(25:17):
at me and see my insight andgive that a big tick and use
that as an indicator that myrisk is low.
But unfortunately the insightis also making me depressed
because I can see that thingsaren't working, and that's very
depressing knowing that thingsaren't working.
Life isn't turning out as you'dplanned.
It's a bit scary that one.
(25:39):
That's why there's a lot ofanxiety associated with it as
well.
I've been doing a lot of yapping, so let's get to the main meat
of the episode, I suppose, whichis my metazapine.
It's now up to 30 milligrams.
So I'm in that therapeuticwindow now, so it's going to
start working as more of anantidepressant than it was as a
(25:59):
sedative.
I'm sticking with thequetiapine at this point just
because I need to make sure Iget my sleep in, still with the
idea of titrating off thatmedication if circumstances
allow.
So I'm going to try and get offit eventually, but for now it's
okay Low dose, it's justputting me to sleep.
There's no real worry with thatone.
(26:19):
The problem is, though, thatit's another medication, and and
you know, the idea originallywas that I would get off these
medications, and yet I'm addingmore and more, without the
results that I'm hoping for.
But anyway, you know, I'mtrying to stay positive.
The metazapine has been adjusted.
Let's see what it does for mymood.
I'm really hoping, fingerscrossed, that it does some
(26:40):
really, really great things,because I need to laugh and
smile again.
It's been too long.
So, to sum up my medicationlist.
So what I'm now on ischlamypramine, metazapine,
quetiapine, pregabalin sorry,pregabalin, I've got some dry
mouth from these medicationsVyvanse, lisdexamphetamine, as
(27:02):
well as Dexamphetamine,clonidine and Propranolol.
So quite the list.
What's that?
Seven or eight medications,unfortunately.
As I said, my hope was that Iwould start to reduce some of
these medications.
Unfortunately, that's notwhat's happening.
(27:25):
It's actually the opposite, andI'm having more and more, but I
just don't feel as though theresults are there, because I'm
still anxious and I'm stilldepressed.
So it's not good.
All right, so that'll do for me.
But the main point of thisepisode I suppose I want to get
across is obviously themedication changes, but also how
difficult it is toself-advocate when you're not in
the mood to advocate foryourself.
It's so so hard to find themotivation, the inspiration to
(27:47):
be able to do so, but it's soimportant that you can because
that's the only real way thatthese mental health
professionals can help is if youcan explain to them what's
going on in your inner world ina way that makes sense, so then
they can make decisions based onthat.
It's difficult because youcan't just get a brain scan, you
know, and put up the x-ray andgo, or the MRI and go right,
(28:11):
there's the depression, that'sit there.
We need to target that there.
There is no tangible evidenceas of yet of mental illness like
that and, as a result, a lot, alot of the ability for mental
health professionals to do theirjob relies on the individual
being able to self-advocate andunfortunately yesterday I was
(28:31):
not in the mood to self-advocate.
But I did my best andmedications have been changed.
It's been tweaked a little bit.
I am holding out some hope thatthe metazapine will do
something, especially now thatit's at a higher dosage, and of
course I'll let you know exactlyhow things are traveling down
the track here on theDysregulated Podcast.
(28:52):
All right, that'll do for now.
I've done enough yapping.
Thank you for listening.
If you're enjoying the show,feel free to like, subscribe,
give the show a great ratingbecause it's good for the
algorithm, and you can share theshow around with your mates.
And you can follow me oninstagram at elliotttwaters, and
you can follow the show onfacebook at the dysregulator
podcast.
All right, until next time.
(29:13):
Goodbye, thank you.
G'day everybody.
My name is Elliot Waters andyou're listening to the
Dysregulated Podcast, as always.
Thank you for tuning in,alright.
So today's episode is somefeedback and an update on how
things are as far as mymedication regimen is concerned,
because yesterday I had apsychiatry appointment and I'm
going to tell you all about itright here on the show right now
(00:32):
.
So it goes a little bit deeper,though, or at least this
episode will go a little bitdeeper than just the medication
changes, although there's been alittle tweak which is
definitely worth mentioning.
But as we, things in my worldrun very deep, and unfortunately
a lot of this psychiatryappointment to me felt very
surface level, through no faultof the doctor or myself or
(00:54):
anything else like that.
It's just the way it is.
But unfortunately, these sortsof appointments, you're running
to a bit of a time schedule andoften you don't get the
opportunity to advocate foroneself in detail or as much as
you'd like to, purely and simplybecause of the constraints
around the appointment, andthat's the problem.
See, that's the problem withthe system as a whole.
(01:15):
I don't think this is just forNew South Wales or Australia, I
think this is everywhere.
But the system that we all tryand work with and hope the
system works for us is veryreactive.
So a lot of my story you wouldhear on this show is me trying
to intervene because I see myprognosis is not going too well.
(01:35):
So I try and intervene and bepreemptive before things get to
10 out of 10 on the risk factorlevel.
You know what I mean.
But the problem is, unlessyou're a 10 out of 10, the
system doesn't always pick up onyou.
It's usually once the personsay me has done something, then
(01:58):
the system will come and youknow, do its thing and try and
safely get me through thatperiod of time.
But until that point, until thesomething, whatever that may be
happens, but until that point,until the something whatever
that may be happens, quite oftenthe system just is not
responsive at all.
It's not made really to come inand intervene at the earliest
stages before the risk gets toohigh, because unfortunately the
(02:26):
supply of mental healthprofessionals or the demand for
mental health professionalsoutweighs the supply big time,
especially here in New SouthWales at the moment, and I've
done an episode on the New SouthWales mental health system
previously.
If you want to listen to that Ibelieve it's got some good
insights into the system thatI'm trying to navigate.
But the fact of the matter isyou don't get enough time with
psychiatrists to really go intothings properly, so you've got
to sort of go in there with abit of a game plan.
(02:48):
But the thing is, when you'reanxious and depressed like I
have been and am at the moment,when you're anxious and
depressed, you don't come upwith these plans because what's
the point?
They're not going to work, oryou're not worthy of such a plan
, or there's just not enoughpositive reasons to go in there
(03:10):
and create a plan.
You can't just create a planfrom nothing.
You've got to have some sort ofenergy, some sort of capacity
to be able to think of this planand then be able to speak it
out loud, reproduce it and lookfor the results that you're
gunning for.
You can't do this from your bed.
Until today, I've been in bedagain for like two days, just
(03:30):
scared of living and justsleeping my worries away, except
they're always here when I wakeup, and even in my dreams I'm
having panic attacks.
So there's no escape.
But it's very difficult to behopeful and have some optimism
and come up with a plan, presentit how you'd like it presented
to the psychiatrist and thenthem to get on board with
whatever dream it is that I'vecome up with.
(03:52):
It's very hard for that tohappen when you're depressed and
anxious because you don't havethe energy first off to do it,
because whenever you think ofthe future this is the thing
with anxiety anxiety is veryfuture facing.
So me coming up with a planthat I believe could help me
moving forward involves mehaving to imagine what life is
like up ahead, and to me,because I've got an anxiety
(04:14):
disorder, that is a very, veryscary thought.
A very scary thought.
I look ahead and I see stormclouds and I see hail damage.
I see trees blown over.
My world, when I look ahead, isvery chaotic and it's not a
great place to be.
So for me to come up with aplan that's future focused which
it needs to be as much aspossible that involves me having
(04:38):
to step out of my comfort zone,which is right here in the
moment, and look ahead andpotentially see some sort of you
know sun coming through theclouds and be able to come up
with a way to manage the stormand then be able to get through
it.
So, like I said, that involvesme looking forwards and when I
look forwards I get a lot ofanxiety, so I tend not to do it
(04:59):
much anymore.
And then the depressing side ofthings the depression is very
past focused.
So when I'm looking for someenergy to create this plan that
I want to come up with for thepsychiatrist, you know you look
in the past to see what's worked, what hasn't, and then you come
up with, hopefully, an ideafrom that.
(05:19):
But when I look in the past,all I see is doom and gloom.
It's the same thing, a bit likethe future focus sort of
anxiety.
This past focus, depression isall bad and it's all doom and
gloom and there's not much therethat I grab onto and think, all
right, I'm going to use thisbit of positivity and I'm going
to use this bit of positivity,optimism, for my future sort of
(05:41):
focus, self.
I'm going to put them together,I'm going to come up with a
plan I'm going to present to thedoctor and this is going to be
the way forward and hopefully,all things going to plan.
I'm a little bit happier movingforward but, like I say, I look
to the future scares the crapout of me.
I look to my past and it's allall gloomy, grim, depressing.
(06:01):
The past is telling me we'vetried so many medications,
elliot, and nothing's worked.
There's nothing here to suggestthat a medication change is
going to do the job.
But despite that way ofthinking, I've got to push past
that and come up with some wayto try and get my message across
in a way that is understandable.
So then things can be changedmedication-wise, at least in
(06:23):
this situation with apsychiatrist.
Then things can be changedmedication wise, at least in
this situation with thepsychiatrist.
Things can be changed,hopefully looking towards a
better future and building thatlife worth living.
But unfortunately, yesterday Iwas caught and I am caught.
I'm still in it now.
In this sort of well.
The anxiety is always there.
I'll say that a lot.
But it's true, the anxiety ischronic.
It never leaves.
But depression.
(06:43):
The depression tends to swing abit.
I'll swing into depression fora little bit, then I'll swing
out of it, swing into it again,swing out of it.
It's all very fast moving, butunfortunately I'm in the
depressing storm right now.
I'm in a depressive state atthe moment.
It's taking a lot of energyjust to do this episode, for
(07:05):
example, and it took a lot ofenergy to go to the psychiatrist
yesterday, have the belief thatI could get my message across
whatever the hell that messageis meant to be and then have the
belief and the hope thatwhatever changes we make moving
forward will actually dosomething.
So the problem is, a lot ofpeople will present in these
situations and the ability toadvocate for oneself is severely
(07:26):
diminished.
So you know, for me to go intothis psychiatry appointment in
the mood that I was in yesterday, which has been the way it has
been for at least a fortnightnow.
You know I walked in therewithout much hope, let's be
honest, and it would have beenwritten all over my face, you
know, like I was making zero eyecontact, not a good sign.
You know I wasn't able a bitlike now not able to formulate
(07:54):
my thoughts very well and getthem across, very sort of
superficial, simple, closed offanswers to questions.
You know these sorts of thingsare subtle, but a good mental
health professional will pick upon it and will note that down
as signs that things aretroubling at the moment.
It was a very short appointmentbecause I went in there with
(08:14):
little hope and I sort of justwanted to get the hell out there
so I could get home and retreatback to bed, which I knew was
not a good idea.
I know that.
But at the same time hey, youknow, this is my perception of
the world I'm scared, I'mpetrified and I'm now very
depressed about it as well.
So, you know, I'm doing thebest that I can, and part of
that is going to the appointmentyesterday and it's, you know,
(08:34):
it's good that I made it.
It was a good step that I wasable to go, I was on time, all
that sort of stuff.
But unfortunately, me presentingor the way I presented was not
in a way that is in keeping withself-advocating in some good
way, unfortunately, because Ijust didn't have the oomph to do
it.
I didn't have the drive, Idon't have the belief, so anyway
(08:58):
.
So I went in there.
I answered all the questions.
One of them, for example, washave you had any suicidal
ideation recently?
And I said no, which is true, Ihaven't, funnily enough,
because I don't know.
You would think me being in thisdepressing swing, along with
the anxiety and everything elsethat comes with it.
You would sort of assume, or Iwould anyway, that maybe there
(09:20):
would be some suicidal ideationgoing on, but there's not, which
is good.
So big tick for that.
But that's really what thepsychiatrist focused on, which
is fair enough, because youdon't get much time with the
doctor, you don't get much timeat all in these appointments, so
you've got to sort of runthrough it quick.
And this is why it's hard,because if you're not in the
mood to advocate for oneselfproperly, well then simple
(09:42):
answers will be accepted withoutmuch investigation.
Now, unfortunately, if you peelback the layers of my answers
yesterday, there's a lot morethere than what I was showing on
the surface level.
But you don't get enough timein these situations for that to
happen.
So I answered all the questionstruthfully and properly, which
was.
Things have been difficult.
(10:02):
I feel very anxious.
Still.
My anxiety hasn't improved atall with the introduction of
metazapine.
I'm now having a depressiveswing again, which is not
unusual, but it's also verydifficult to live with and
handle.
But the main thing was thatsurface level things seemed okay
(10:23):
Because again I've got insights.
I'm able to explain this sortof stuff, and insight is one of
those sort of measures that theylook for to tell if you're in
distress or not and if a personhas a great deal of insight.
Usually that's seen as a goodthing, a protective factor,
although, as I say to people,the insight can kill you, and it
certainly can, because theinsight I have into my situation
(10:46):
is not very good.
I've said this before, I'm notgoing to go through it here now,
but I know what's going on.
It's my ability to changewhat's going on and change those
thoughts and behaviors andemotions.
That's the bit I'm strugglingwith and that's the bit that,
unfortunately, the medicationhasn't been able to do much
about either.
So, on the surface level, a lotof questions were answered, but
(11:08):
answered in a closed off way.
My shoulders were slumped, Iwasn't making much eye contact
and I've been speaking verysoftly lately as well, which I
find when I'm in these sort ofdepressing moods that tends to
happen.
I don't speak much and when Ido it's a bit of a mumble.
That was happening again, butunfortunately, because you don't
get much time in thesesituations, the psychiatrist
(11:31):
wasn't able really to peel backthe layers and see what's really
going on.
It had to be quick, you knowyou've got to get the next
person in because unfortunatelythe system is on its knees at
the moment and, as a result,there's not many psychiatrists,
but there's lots and lots ofdemand for them, so it's a very
difficult spot to be in.
So, as you can imagine, amental health professional is
(11:52):
looking for the obvious signs ofdistress.
If they're not there, that's abig tick and then we'll sort of
go through the motions but havea tweak here and there and
continue on.
But unfortunately I'm not ahappy chappy at the moment and
it's starting to really get medown Before I go into the
medication.
What actually has happenedbecause of the medication review
(12:14):
yesterday?
It all comes down to the factthat I've lost my smile.
I'm not laughing like I used to.
I used to laugh a lot.
I don't laugh at all anymore,and that's what I need to get
back to try and figure out a wayto build a life where I'm
laughing again.
That's the plan, and I knowmedications probably aren't
going to do the full job, butI'd like the medications to help
(12:37):
with the process in getting mylaughter back, and I just don't
feel as though they're doing itat this point.
But, as I said, there's beensome changes Very quickly too.
I was asked the question abouthow work was going and I did
explain that I've had to cutback hours at work, the idea
being because I feel so sociallydrained, because my work is
(12:58):
very much customer focused, alot of interpersonal sort of
stuff going on, a lot ofinterpersonal sort of stuff
going on, a lot of talking topeople and fellow team members.
And whatever my belief is, thatis and I still believe this is
that me working full-time inthat capacity has been really
quite detrimental to my mentalhealth.
Not any fault of the job or thebusiness I work with or
(13:19):
anything like that.
It's just, you know, whenyou've got autism and, as well
as you know, social anxietydisorder and everything else
that goes with it, lots and lotsof communication with people
can be very, very tiring very,very quickly.
So working full-time andtalking to people full-time has
proven to be quite difficult.
So now I've dropped back tothree days at work and I'm
hoping that will free up somesocial capacity, some energy
(13:44):
moving forward.
Of course, the trade-off being Idon't have as much money and
that causes a lot of stress andstrain as well.
But I'm trying to find thehappy medium between having to
pay the bills and also living alife where I'm in control and
happy enough and having a goodgo of it.
So that's what I'm trying to doand I explain that and to me
that would ring some warningbells.
(14:05):
But unfortunately we didn'tfocus very long on the fact that
I've had to cut back hours atwork.
It was more about the fact thatI'm still at work.
So I don't know, maybe it'sjust me being negative again and
my perception of everything isnegative, but it did seem to me
as though that little point, thefact that I've had to pull back
from work, was glossed over alittle bit.
(14:25):
But again, you know, I maybedidn't focus on it enough
because I didn't have thecapacity to self-advocate in the
way that I'd like.
I sort of glossed over thatpoint as well, because what's
the point, what's the point ofexplaining all this stuff when
nothing changes anyway andlife's all doom and gloom?
(14:45):
At least that's what I wasthinking yesterday in the
appointment.
So it is hard for people andthis is why psychiatry,
psychology, any mental healthsort of stuff, related stuff, is
difficult, because you do relyon the word of the person going
through something.
You know they're the way thatyou find insight into
so-and-so's, you know demeanorand how they're feeling and
(15:06):
what's going on inside in theirinner world and unfortunately,
if an individual doesn't havethat level of insight, you know
a lot of things can get missed.
But unfortunately too, if youhave lots of insight, like I do,
that can in a way be used sortof against you, in the sense
that having insight is a signthat things aren't traveling too
badly, whereas that's not trueand my insight makes me acutely
(15:30):
aware of my deficiencies andwhere things are going wrong.
I don't have much insight intopositive sort of things.
That's the whole point.
That's why we're having thisconversation.
So again, my insight, when I doshow it, has sort of been used
against me.
But yesterday I wasn't offeringmuch, I was doing very closed
off sort of answers, like I said, there was no real eye contact,
(15:51):
shoulders were slumped, it was.
You know I went in there.
But the thing is I went inthere without risk.
You know you look at meyesterday, I'd imagine, and
you'd say, right, he's obviouslydepressed and anxious and all
that sort of stuff.
You know, the signs are there,it's pretty obvious.
But he doesn't seem like a riskto himself or other people, and
that's true In these sort ofmoods.
(16:12):
I guess my energy and stufflike that, my levels are so low
that I can't even be botheredthinking of those really bad
sort of scenarios because Idon't even have the energy to do
that.
And a doctor would look at meand think, okay, that's a good
sign.
Because I was asked about thesuicidal ideation, I said no,
it's not there, which is a goodsign.
(16:33):
So overtly I wasn't showingsigns of distress, but there
were signs there.
And unfortunately, if you peelback the layers as you know
because you've listened to thisshow long enough you would know
that there's a lot of deeperinner turmoil going on and
unfortunately appointments withpsychiatrists don't often have
the time to be able to get intothose things properly.
(16:56):
And it relies on the individualto be able to self-advocate.
And when I'm, at least in thesevery anxious and depressed
moods I don't feel likeself-advocating.
I'm not very good at it becauseI'm scared of it and I don't
have much hope for thingsturning out positive anyway.
So my motivation, I suppose, tobe able to self-advocate is
(17:18):
just not there, because I justdon't have the capacity to do it
, and that in itself is awarning sign.
But if you're a psychiatristthat's seen me like once or
twice, you wouldn't really knowthat that's something to look
for.
So really what they're lookingfor was signs of risk, and I
didn't show too many signs ofimmediate risk.
So as far as the psychiatristis concerned and this is a tick,
(17:39):
it's a tick on the book, butunfortunately there's a lot of
things working deeper that arenot going so well that I don't
think medication is necessarilygoing to help with.
But I'm hoping the medicationwill help with the road towards
that way of thinking, thatpositive thinking.
So the medication itself isn'tgoing to do it, but it's going
to help facilitate my ability todo it.
(18:01):
Does that make sense?
I hope it does so.
Anyway, back on track, whatactually happens.
So metazepine, theantidepressant that I was put on
remember I was put on sevenmilligrams, then it went to 15
milligrams, now I'm up to 30milligrams.
So that's the medication changethere.
It's interesting.
Metazepine is an interestingmedication, a bit like
(18:21):
quetiapine, seroquel, in thesense that there's different
therapeutic windows.
So I guess for metazepine,between 0 and 15 milligrams
you're looking at more sedationand sleep, a bit like Seroquel
at low doses.
But then 30 to 45 milligrams iswhen there's the antidepressant
properties that show up moreand and that sort of stuff.
(18:44):
So the metazapine I've been onit and it was only really
offering sedation, although notenough.
So the plan was I was going togo on metazapine and wean off
the quetiapine.
Remember, get rid of thequetiapine, stay on metazapine.
The problem is I haven't beenable to get to sleep without at
least some quetiapine.
So what's happened is I've hadto stick with 50 milligrams of
(19:07):
quetiapine at night just to makesure I get to sleep.
But my metazapine has now beenbumped up to 30 milligrams.
So now it's in the zone for theantidepressant properties to
come out and hopefully do theirthing.
So there's a little bit of hope, a little bit of forward
thinking there.
So my metazapine was bumped upto 30 milligrams.
It was decided that thequetiapine will stick with at 50
(19:30):
milligrams for now, still withan idea to try and titrate off
it, but at the same time 50milligrams just to get the sleep
.
And that's the plan there.
But I am hopeful thatmetazepine at the therapeutic
dose will do something.
I have a family member, forexample.
He or she is on metazepine aswell, same dosage, and it seems
(19:53):
to work really well for him orher, for them.
So fingers crossed, maybethere's some sort of genetic
link.
And the metazapine now at 30milligrams will do the job for
me?
I don't know, we'll see.
I'll let you know all about it.
But at the same time anotherfamily member of mine is on
Lexapro or escitalopram and it'sworked really well for them.
(20:14):
But that medication did verylittle for me except make me
sleep.
So I don't know.
There's always you know me, I'mall there's a potential for a
bit of hope here, a bit ofpositivity, and then slam, I
just bang down this negativityand just finish on the negative,
and that's exactly what I didjust then.
You know, I could have justsaid that the metazapine's in
the family and might dosomething good for me, but no, I
(20:34):
had to answer with the Lexaproconundrum and how it didn't work
for me as evidence Remember, Iwas talking about looking back
in the past as evidence thatthings are not going to work.
So anyway, there's a bit of mebeing negative in real time.
So let's just focus on thepositive.
Metazapine has been good for myfamily member, so hopefully now
it's at a dosage that it willbe good for me too.
(20:56):
But it was an interesting sortof appointment yesterday.
It was very surface level.
I was in and I was out.
There wasn't much sort ofdiscussion.
I knew that this was what wasgoing to happen.
I'd go up to 30 milligrams.
I'd assume that was alwaysgoing to be the case.
So it all sort of went as Iexpected and as I sort of
planned, I guess.
(21:17):
But it is hard in thesesituations because there's just
not enough time forpsychiatrists to be able to
assess somebody properly andpeel back those layers.
That can be done in, say,therapy.
There's more of an opportunityin psychotherapy, just because
there's more time to go intothese things.
But these appointments,especially in the public system,
you're in and you're out andthere's not much time to expand
(21:38):
on that.
So you know, and as you know,there's a lot to my story.
I guess in some ways I'm just alittle bit sick of having to
explain it all the time todifferent people, or at least
different mental healthprofessionals.
One of these days I'm going todo an episode which is just
going to be an overview of me,of my mental health, everything,
and I'm just going to saylisten, here's half an hour of
(22:03):
me talking, listen to that.
That's my story.
There you go and then come upwith some conclusions from there
.
I don't know, maybe I'll dothat.
Moving forward, I'm not sure.
But self-advocacy excuse me,self-advocacy is a huge one
because it's so important isable to convey a message that
makes sense about what's goingon and goes into enough detail,
(22:24):
enough depth and focuses on theright things.
Doing that requires a level ofenergy and also a level of
belief that the person sittingopposite you may have the answer
, or a potential answer, to someof the questions that I have in
my life, and when you'relacking on the hope front and
the belief front and don't havemuch energy to spare, the
(22:48):
motivation and inspiration to beable to advocate properly for
oneself is severely diminished.
So anyway, as I said, theappointment sort of went as I
planned, although I'm trying notto plan these things, it's more
as I expected is probably abetter way of putting it, and
you know so I've got nocomplaints there, and what I do
(23:08):
have some issues with is verymuch something that you know you
can't have all day with apsychiatrist, unfortunately,
especially in the public system.
So you know, you've sort of gotto roll with the punches, I
guess, and that's exactly what Idid yesterday.
So I sort of got to roll withthe punches, I guess, and that's
exactly what I did yesterday.
So I was in and I was out.
It was pretty quick and I thinkmy demeanor probably conveyed
(23:29):
that I haven't been having agreat time recently.
But at the same time, I wasasked directly about suicidal
ideation and the answer was Idon't have any of that at the
moment, which is true.
So if you're looking at me andassessing me for risk, you would
say Elliot is low risk.
That doesn't mean, of course,that I'm having a great time of
things.
It just means that I'm low riskto myself and other people and,
(23:51):
unfortunately, those who arelow risk, even if you're looking
for a preemptive sort of movejust in case things do escalate.
Unfortunately the system is very, very reactive and this isn't
the fault of any individual, anydoctors.
I have no complaints about mypsychiatrist that I saw none at
all.
That's just the way it is.
The system is very reactive andit's not very good when it
(24:13):
comes to preempting what mighthappen.
The big explosion needs tohappen for the emergency
rescuers to come into yourheadspace and try and save you.
Without the explosion, there'sno impetus for the system to
send in support Because, as faras this very superficial system
(24:34):
is concerned, unless you're highrisk of hurting yourself or
other people, then you can sortof not be worried about too much
because you're low risk.
So the system is very reactiveand I certainly don't blame any
individual in the system.
It's just the way that it is.
And it's very frustrating forsomeone like me who does have a
high degree of insight, becauseI can see that things are not
(24:56):
going well and I can seeopportunities where some
interventions in my past youknow past could have really
turned things and made thingsdifferent.
But unfortunately I haven'tbeen afforded that opportunity
because the system just is notbuilt for that sort of stuff.
So insight is a good thing andagain, psychiatrists will look
(25:17):
at me and see my insight andgive that a big tick and use
that as an indicator that myrisk is low.
But unfortunately the insightis also making me depressed
because I can see that thingsaren't working, and that's very
depressing knowing that thingsaren't working.
Life isn't turning out as you'dplanned.
It's a bit scary that one.
(25:39):
That's why there's a lot ofanxiety associated with it as
well.
I've been doing a lot of yapping, so let's get to the main meat
of the episode, I suppose, whichis my metazapine.
It's now up to 30 milligrams.
So I'm in that therapeuticwindow now, so it's going to
start working as more of anantidepressant than it was as a
(25:59):
sedative.
I'm sticking with thequetiapine at this point just
because I need to make sure Iget my sleep in, still with the
idea of titrating off thatmedication if circumstances
allow.
So I'm going to try and get offit eventually, but for now it's
okay Low dose, it's justputting me to sleep.
There's no real worry with thatone.
(26:19):
The problem is, though, thatit's another medication, and and
you know, the idea originallywas that I would get off these
medications, and yet I'm addingmore and more, without the
results that I'm hoping for.
But anyway, you know, I'mtrying to stay positive.
The metazapine has been adjusted.
Let's see what it does for mymood.
I'm really hoping, fingerscrossed, that it does some
(26:40):
really, really great things,because I need to laugh and
smile again.
It's been too long.
So, to sum up my medicationlist.
So what I'm now on ischlamypramine, metazapine,
quetiapine, pregabalin sorry,pregabalin, I've got some dry
mouth from these medicationsVyvanse, lisdexamphetamine, as
(27:02):
well as Dexamphetamine,clonidine and Propranolol.
So quite the list.
What's that?
Seven or eight medications,unfortunately.
As I said, my hope was that Iwould start to reduce some of
these medications.
Unfortunately, that's notwhat's happening.
(27:25):
It's actually the opposite, andI'm having more and more, but I
just don't feel as though theresults are there, because I'm
still anxious and I'm stilldepressed.
So it's not good.
All right, so that'll do for me.
But the main point of thisepisode I suppose I want to get
across is obviously themedication changes, but also how
difficult it is toself-advocate when you're not in
the mood to advocate foryourself.
It's so so hard to find themotivation, the inspiration to
(27:47):
be able to do so, but it's soimportant that you can because
that's the only real way thatthese mental health
professionals can help is if youcan explain to them what's
going on in your inner world ina way that makes sense, so then
they can make decisions based onthat.
It's difficult because youcan't just get a brain scan, you
know, and put up the x-ray andgo, or the MRI and go right,
(28:11):
there's the depression, that'sit there.
We need to target that there.
There is no tangible evidenceas of yet of mental illness like
that and, as a result, a lot, alot of the ability for mental
health professionals to do theirjob relies on the individual
being able to self-advocate andunfortunately yesterday I was
(28:31):
not in the mood to self-advocate.
But I did my best andmedications have been changed.
It's been tweaked a little bit.
I am holding out some hope thatthe metazapine will do
something, especially now thatit's at a higher dosage, and of
course I'll let you know exactlyhow things are traveling down
the track here on theDysregulated Podcast.
(28:52):
All right, that'll do for now.
I've done enough yapping.
Thank you for listening.
If you're enjoying the show,feel free to like, subscribe,
give the show a great ratingbecause it's good for the
algorithm, and you can share theshow around with your mates.
And you can follow me oninstagram at elliotttwaters, and
you can follow the show onfacebook at the dysregulator
podcast.
All right, until next time.
(29:13):
Goodbye, thank you.
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