August 24, 2025 • 21 mins
What happens when the things we love most become casualties of our mental health? Today, I’m facing that question head-on as social anxiety keeps me from the final Newcastle Knights home game of the season.
For me, the Knights aren’t just a hobby, they’re part of my identity! With my Pride of the Hunter banner and strong, powerful voice in the stands, I’ve become a bit of a fixture at McDonald Jones Stadium. Yet instead of joining 30,000 fans today, I’m at home recording this episode.
This tug-of-war happens a lot, between wanting to go and feeling capable of going and not having the capacity. This internal conflict captures the cruel nature of social anxiety and autism-related sensory challenges. Even when we and I desperately want and need something to cheer about, sometimes the mental barriers win. And my social battery just doesn't stretch enough.
But there’s still meaning in sharing the struggle. Living with mental illness often means redefining expectations. It's not always about being perfect in my record of appearances at games, but in trying my best and balancing self-care with pushing my limits.
You can follow me on Instagram: @elliot.t.waters, and the show on Facebook!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 0 (00:10):
Good day everybody.
My name is Elliot Waters andyou're listening to the
Dysregulated Podcast, as always.
Thank you for tuning in.
Alright, just a littledisclaimer at the start of this
episode.
Don't worry, this is not aboutthe content, it's about the
quality of my voice at present.
You may be able to hear throughthis recording that I'm a
(00:30):
little bit croaky and that'sbecause I've been a little bit
sick the last few days.
I wanted to get a podcastepisode out a little bit earlier
than I have for this one, butthe voice was just not there.
But you know, I'm sick ofwaiting around for it to recover
.
I've got some head cold, youknow it's nothing major, so I'm
just going to go through andpush on anyway.
(00:52):
So apologies if my voice is alittle bit more, I don't know,
annoying than normal or nasallythan normal.
I always think I've got anasally voice.
So, as you can imagine, myinner critic currently is very
much hammering me about the factthat I will be sounding nasally
in this recording.
(01:13):
But I don't care.
I don't care, inner critic, itdoesn't matter, we're going to
press on anyway.
So today's episode is aboutwell, it's about social anxiety
and how it manifests itself inme.
So this is an example, or thisepisode I'm going to go through
an example that's happening inreal time right now of where my
(01:35):
social anxiety has gotten in theway of doing the things that I
want to do.
So today is the final home gameof the season for my mighty
Newcastle Knights in theNational Rugby League here in
Australia.
The mighty Knights that, I mustadmit, have not gone very good
this season.
(01:55):
It's been a very, verydisappointing season.
I'm not sure if the club areaware of the antidepressant
effects that a victory has on me, but they must not be because
or they don't care, becausethere haven't been many
victories this year.
But no, I am joking because Idon't mind, I don't care.
(02:18):
Well, obviously I want us towin, but you know I'm not one of
those sort of supporters fairweather supporter, unfortunately
, the Newcastle Knights we havenot performed for many years now
and my commitment has beenunwavering.
But the problem that does occurfrom time to time, and it
certainly occurred this season.
(02:40):
I started off the season reallywell.
I was going to all the games.
I went to the trial games, Iwent to away games.
I drove to the Gold Coast andwatched us get flogged up there
and wasted all my petrol moneyon that.
No, that was a good trip but wedid get beaten quite
convincingly, which wasdisappointing.
But I've been to Sydney a fewtimes for some away games and
(03:02):
some home games as well, but thelast couple of rounds, the last
couple of weeks, or even thelast probably month or two, I
haven't really been attendingthe games like I normally would
and that is because of thischronic social anxiety that I
get that has reared its uglyhead the last little bit and
(03:25):
it's rendered my ability to goto the Knights games like I want
to and like I should, you know,like this is a big part of my
identity, for those that don'tknow like I go to the games and
I have a banner, pride of theHunter, because Newcastle, for
those that don't know, is in theHunter region here in New South
Wales, australia, and I takethe banner to the games and I
(03:50):
guess I'm quite well-known, I'ma bit of an infamous supporter.
I'm very loud from where I sitand that's why I've got to keep
the vocal cords going.
Well, because I've got to tellthe referee that the team, the
opposition today being theBrisbane Broncos, that the
opposition is offside because,for some unknown reason, the
(04:12):
referees don't like to blowpenalties for us.
So someone's got to tell thereferee that the opposition are
not following the rules likethey should be, and I'm more
than happy to be that person.
So that's why it's soimperative that my vocal cords
forget the podcast.
It's the yelling from thestands, the grandstands.
That's why I need to look aftermy voice, but you know.
(04:35):
But in all seriousness, though,like me, being a Newcastle
Knights supporter is a hugething.
It's a huge part of what I do,of who I see myself as and what
I enjoy and what really gets megoing being a Knights supporter.
I'm a very passionate supporter.
I love the club, I love theNewcastle Knights, I love the
(04:58):
region, newcastle and the Hunter.
If you've listened to thepodcast long enough, you would
know that I will continue topush how wonderful Newcastle is
because it is truly God'scountry.
But you know the clubrepresents the region and the
city and us Novacastrians, thepopulation of Newcastle, and you
(05:19):
know I want to see our team dowell and I get very parochial
about the team and the club whenwe take on teams from Brisbane
and Sydney and Melbourne.
It's like we're the underdogsin a lot of ways and you want to
stick it to the big guns, andfor a while, a couple of years
(05:41):
ago, we were the big guns whenwe had players like Andrew Johns
and Danny Badiris.
The Newcastle Knights wereformidable, but unfortunately
it's been a long time sincewe've had any success like that.
But but the problem is and backto the main point of this
episode is that the socialanxiety that I have, that is
(06:04):
chronic.
You know, I talk about myanxiety, how it's there all the
time, and often I'm referringmore to the generalized anxiety
component of things.
But don't get me wrong, thesocial anxiety is a huge part of
this as well.
And when I talk about mydiminished social capacity and
that my social capacitybattery's on zero and stuff,
(06:25):
that's because I get sociallyanxious and all the energy that
that burns up, you know, is areason why I need to try and
find a way to overcome this.
But I need to overcome it tooand keep it at bay, because I
need to do the things that makemy life worth living, and I know
that sounds like a heavystatement, I guess it is, but,
(06:48):
um, you know me, being aNewcastle Knights supporter is
one of those reasons, um, whenthings are not going very good,
that I think to myself, you know, just, we've just got to hold
on.
You know, like life's all right.
There's some good things, youknow, and following rugby league
and the Knights is one of thosegood things, even though the
results may not quite be in linewith my well, not so much my
(07:12):
expectations.
They are in line with myexpectations but, I guess, not
so much my hope and wishes.
But the reason why I'm bringingthis up right now is because
the well, currently the NRLW,the women's team, is playing
Brisbane, because the game ishere at home, here in Newcastle.
Did I mention that Last homegame of the season, which is
(07:34):
always a big affair?
It's sold out, the game is soldout.
And right now the women areplaying the Brisbane Broncos,
who are coming top of the tableand unfortunately we're getting
beaten.
But our women's team is quite ahandy side, don't get me wrong
and I love watching the women'splay too.
It's a great game, the women'sgame it is.
And then the men kick off at3pm, which is an hour away.
(08:03):
Now, I should be at the groundnow, you know.
I should get there when thegates open, you know, and that's
usually what I try and do.
And I try and do that because Iget so stressed out that I'm
not going to get my seat and youknow there's going to be
lineups, I'm going to misskickoff and all that.
You know, again, it's theanxiety garbage that just
dictates everything.
But I do try and get there asearly as I can because, also, as
(08:26):
we know, my ADHD renders myability to be organized and
timely.
It severely hampers my abilityto be on time.
So I've got to go above andbeyond to make sure that I,
because there have been so manygames, I've walked in as we're
kicking off and I'm just like,so I'm freaking out, you know,
(08:49):
like I'm looking for a place tosit, I'm looking for me mates or
whoever.
I'm going to the game with mefamily and you know I'm freaking
out and the game's already onand you know the opposition just
scored try, and I haven't evenfound my seat yet.
It just stresses me out so muchand it ruins the experience
often.
So I really try to avoid that.
But the problem is, at themoment my social anxiety is and
(09:13):
my dwindling social capacity issuch that I don't think I'll be
able to make the game today, themen's game today, and, as I
said, that game is almost overand I should be there for that
as well, and this is not good.
This is another example, a realworld example, of how these
(09:34):
mental illnesses like to dictateterms and dictate how our lives
are lived.
And I don't like it because Ilike going to these games.
I like, you know, revvingeveryone up in the crowd and
being, to be honest, the centerof attention in many ways and
being a big part of theentertainment.
I like the idea that I'm quiteinfamous, you know, and that
(09:57):
people know my banner, the Prideof the Hunter banner, and it's
very depressing for me when Ican't meet I'm not going to say
obligations, because that soundslike it's a job, and it's
certainly not a job, it's morethan that.
But you know that's what Ishould be doing.
Elliot Waters should be goingto the Newcastle Knights games.
Win, lose or draw, rain, hailor shine, it shouldn't matter.
(10:23):
I should be at all the gamesgiving it my all.
So the team hopefully does aswell, because that's what I do,
that is what Elliot Waters does.
Yeah, you know.
Yeah, there's also the factthat you know, I'm sort of known
for it and stuff.
But forget all that.
You know, internally for me Iget great joy out of going to
these games and that's why I getreally frustrated when I'm in
these moods where I struggle tobe able to handle, you know, the
(10:47):
sensory overload that,admittedly, a sold out McDonald
Jones Stadium does, because it'snot, you know, even when I'm
going well, the games.
You know it's still a toughenvironment for me because
there's a lot going on.
You know there's a lot ofbright lights and there's 30,000
people, you know, sittingaround me and stuff.
(11:07):
You know, like, like, even ifmy social anxiety isn't totally
peaking, like just just the factthat I'm autistic, and you know
stuff like that.
And you know just the sensoryoverload, like there's a lot
going on.
It's a very loud, bright,vibrant environment and I'm not
always cut out for that,naturally, and I have to go
(11:30):
above and beyond again to sortof overcome that.
But then when I am able toovercome it, I get great
enjoyment out of the experienceand it's also very empowering
because I know that every time Igo to a game and give it my all
that I'm pushing back againstthese mental illnesses that do
not want me going and want mestaying at home.
But unfortunately, I thinkthat's what's going to happen
(11:50):
today Because, as we knowlistening to the more recent
episodes, that my socialcapacity is is dwindling big
time and I think a big part ofthat is because of my work and
the fact that I'm so customerfocused and customer facing and
a lot of team members and allthat, and we get to the weekend
(12:11):
like it is now and I'm zonked.
You know what I mean.
It's not all bad news.
Last night, for example, I wentout with some friends, just to
the pub, and had my first drink,my first alcoholic beverage in
five weeks.
It was a Kilkenny.
So hello to all of the Irishlisteners out there.
(12:32):
I love Kilkenny.
It's a great beer, it's like amilkshake, it's just beautiful.
I only had one, though I drove.
I only had one.
Nothing silly, there was noabusing anything, it was just a
really good sit down, catch upand talk about how things are
going and I really, really,really enjoyed it.
(12:52):
But even that experience there'sa social capacity cost, there's
an energy output.
That is inherent in it,obviously, and that's the case
for everyone.
Excuse me, that is inherent init, obviously, and that's the
case for everyone, excuse me,but obviously for people who
don't have much capacity tobegin with, even catching up
with friends can be a big deal,and it was a big deal, you know.
(13:14):
Like I remember I left I waslike, oh, you know, that was a
big couple of hours, but man,that was fun, I loved it.
I enjoyed it so much, that wasgreat.
But I think there's a bit of ahangover effect, not from
drinking, but a social hangovereffect that is unfortunately
doing its thing here today and Ithink that's why I can't, I
(13:35):
don't, I don't think I'll beable to make the game, which,
which, because you know, I'vegot people that I was going to
meet there and sit with, andagain there's that social
element.
Obviously 3,000 people aren'tall going to be talking to me,
but the people I go with will be, and I just I don't know.
I just don't know if I've gotit.
I just don't know if I've gotit today, which is pretty
(13:57):
annoying too, because I don'tknow some of you may be
listening to the podcast heretoday for the first time.
I should have mentioned this atthe start of the episode, when
people were still hooked in.
So if you're still listening,thank you for sticking through,
even though my voice, I can hear, is getting worse and worse as
I keep babbling on.
(14:18):
But see, I knew me beingstrategic.
You know I love putting mypodcast posters up around
Newcastle.
I've mentioned this before onthe show.
I have this autistic, I think,fixation.
I really really enjoy drivingaround, usually late at night on
my own, with my staple gun anda whole wad of posters that I
(14:42):
make and I put them on everytelegraph pole, every power pole
in Newcastle and it'severywhere like for promotion.
But I don't know, there's somejoy I get out of it.
I know it's a bit weird,probably, and people probably
see these posters and go what isthis guy doing?
What is wrong with this bloke?
And to those people I say,listen to the bloody show and
(15:02):
then you'll find out.
But I'm very content justdriving around singing Oasis and
ACDC songs and pulling over andputting up posters with my
staple gun.
I love it.
And I put up last night a lotof posters around McDonald Jones
Stadium because I knew that thegame was going to be a sellout
and there'll be a lot of peoplehanging around the stadium.
(15:25):
So there's a lot of podcastposters up around the stadium
right now.
So if you are a first timelistener because you've seen the
posters hanging up around thestadium outside the stadium,
welcome to the show.
Thank you for listening and, ifyou'd like, please reach out to
me on instagram atelliotttwaters and let me know
(15:47):
if you have started listingbecause of the posters, because
a few people have done that.
They've said you know I sawyour poster on whatever street
you know, in newcastle and, andyou know I've subscribed, I've
started listing.
I'm so glad I did and it's, youknow, it's a, it's the feedback
, it's, you know, it's amazingfeedback and I'm so grateful
that people would take the timeout to, first off, listen to the
(16:07):
show, but then also, you know,message me and, you know, say
such kind things.
But it is good to hear frompeople that have discovered the
show through the posters,because a lot of effort goes
into making these posters andlaminating them all.
Like I'm telling you guys, I'vegot A4 sheets, I've got A3
sheets, I've got posters thatgive a bit of an outline of what
(16:30):
the show's all about.
So that's more for areas wherepeople might be walking their
dog, for example, I might stopand just have a quick read and
go oh, that's something I'd liketo listen to.
But then I've got other postersas well, which is just the logo
of the podcast and the name ofthe podcast in big writing and
underneath that says MentalHealth Insights.
(16:50):
So you know, there's a fewdifferent designs there.
There's different sizes of theposters.
I laminate all of them.
A lot of time and effort goesinto these posters.
So if you are somebody who haslistened because of one of these
many, many pieces of paper thatI've stuck up all around Newey,
well, feel free to let me know.
(17:11):
That would be really good.
But to get back on topic and Iam going to wrap this up shortly
because the voice is decliningat a rapid rate yeah, but I
don't know if I'm.
I don't think I'm going to beable to make the game today and
it's really I don't know.
It's.
I feel like I can't win, likeif I go I could get overwhelmed.
(17:37):
But I do know, even if I'moverwhelmed, there'll still be
that satisfaction and I'll getthe enjoyment out of going.
But then I'll also get thatsatisfaction of pushing back
against my mental illnesses.
But if I stay at home and watchit on TV, well then you know
I'm playing it safe and I won'tbe as overstimulated and I might
be able to do more thisafternoon, for example after the
(18:00):
game, if I don't go.
But then I'm emboldening andempowering not myself but these
mental illnesses, in particularthe social anxiety disorder or
the social anxiety component of,I guess, my autism.
So you know it's a difficultone.
Like you know, the best wayforward is to go to the game.
(18:21):
I just don't know if I can.
I don't know If I do go to thegame.
I will definitely report backand let you know I've done an
episode.
Actually it was probably a yearor two ago, I think.
Now it's called Tackling SocialAnxiety, pride of the Hunter or
Pride of the Hunter, tacklingSocial Anxiety, and that episode
(18:43):
is exactly the episode that Ihope I might be able to do this
afternoon, which is after goingto the game, despite the
feelings that I am experiencing.
So that episode is about meovercoming my social anxiety
tendencies and getting to thegame and giving it my all.
And I don't know.
(19:04):
I suppose that's a good episode.
So if you want to listen tothat, feel free.
It's a cracker, like they allare, but I would like to hope
that maybe I'll do almost acarbon copy of that episode
again here today.
That would be amazing.
But I just I don't know, guys,I don't know.
It's been a big week.
It's been a big, big week.
(19:25):
I've got more to talk about,about what's happened this week.
There's been some reallyexciting developments, I guess,
in my I guess sort ofprofessional career.
I'm not going to go into toomuch just now, but we know that
there's been complications withmy work at Bunnings, with the
(19:46):
forklift operating, but my workat the university and in
research, that stuff has beengoing really good and I've got
some great news to report onthat as well.
So stay tuned.
But that's all for now.
I'm going to wrap it up there.
I'm going to go get some warmtea and I don't know.
I used to use a dehumidifier no,no, not a dehumidifier, a
(20:06):
humidifier in my room.
When I first started thepodcast in my little room where
I used to live, I had thishumidifier because supposedly
singers and public speakers dothis before they present or go
on stage or whatever.
Excuse me, jeez, sorryeverybody.
So I had one of thesehumidifiers because obviously,
(20:29):
you know, I present, I'm apublic speaker for the Black Dog
Institute and I have thispodcast which involves using my
voice as well.
So you know it was aninvestment that I thought might
help, but I didn't really noticemuch difference.
But it could be these sorts ofsituations where it would have
come in handy because, accordingto chat GPT, I should have a
(20:52):
humidifier.
So I don't know, maybe I'll goget another one at some point,
but anyway, that'll do.
I'm going to stop waffling onnow.
Thank you everybody forlistening.
As always, I do appreciate it.
If you're enjoying the show,feel free to like, subscribe,
give the show a great ratingbecause it's good for the
algorithm and you can share itaround with your mates.
And you can follow me oninstagram at elliotttwaters, and
(21:15):
you can also follow the show onfacebook by searching the
dysregulated podcast.
All right, until next time.
Thank you guys.
Have a good one.
See you later.
Good day everybody.
My name is Elliot Waters andyou're listening to the
Dysregulated Podcast, as always.
Thank you for tuning in.
Alright, just a littledisclaimer at the start of this
episode.
Don't worry, this is not aboutthe content, it's about the
quality of my voice at present.
You may be able to hear throughthis recording that I'm a
(00:30):
little bit croaky and that'sbecause I've been a little bit
sick the last few days.
I wanted to get a podcastepisode out a little bit earlier
than I have for this one, butthe voice was just not there.
But you know, I'm sick ofwaiting around for it to recover
.
I've got some head cold, youknow it's nothing major, so I'm
just going to go through andpush on anyway.
(00:52):
So apologies if my voice is alittle bit more, I don't know,
annoying than normal or nasallythan normal.
I always think I've got anasally voice.
So, as you can imagine, myinner critic currently is very
much hammering me about the factthat I will be sounding nasally
in this recording.
(01:13):
But I don't care.
I don't care, inner critic, itdoesn't matter, we're going to
press on anyway.
So today's episode is aboutwell, it's about social anxiety
and how it manifests itself inme.
So this is an example, or thisepisode I'm going to go through
an example that's happening inreal time right now of where my
(01:35):
social anxiety has gotten in theway of doing the things that I
want to do.
So today is the final home gameof the season for my mighty
Newcastle Knights in theNational Rugby League here in
Australia.
The mighty Knights that, I mustadmit, have not gone very good
this season.
(01:55):
It's been a very, verydisappointing season.
I'm not sure if the club areaware of the antidepressant
effects that a victory has on me, but they must not be because
or they don't care, becausethere haven't been many
victories this year.
But no, I am joking because Idon't mind, I don't care.
(02:18):
Well, obviously I want us towin, but you know I'm not one of
those sort of supporters fairweather supporter, unfortunately
, the Newcastle Knights we havenot performed for many years now
and my commitment has beenunwavering.
But the problem that does occurfrom time to time, and it
certainly occurred this season.
(02:40):
I started off the season reallywell.
I was going to all the games.
I went to the trial games, Iwent to away games.
I drove to the Gold Coast andwatched us get flogged up there
and wasted all my petrol moneyon that.
No, that was a good trip but wedid get beaten quite
convincingly, which wasdisappointing.
But I've been to Sydney a fewtimes for some away games and
(03:02):
some home games as well, but thelast couple of rounds, the last
couple of weeks, or even thelast probably month or two, I
haven't really been attendingthe games like I normally would
and that is because of thischronic social anxiety that I
get that has reared its uglyhead the last little bit and
(03:25):
it's rendered my ability to goto the Knights games like I want
to and like I should, you know,like this is a big part of my
identity, for those that don'tknow like I go to the games and
I have a banner, pride of theHunter, because Newcastle, for
those that don't know, is in theHunter region here in New South
Wales, australia, and I takethe banner to the games and I
(03:50):
guess I'm quite well-known, I'ma bit of an infamous supporter.
I'm very loud from where I sitand that's why I've got to keep
the vocal cords going.
Well, because I've got to tellthe referee that the team, the
opposition today being theBrisbane Broncos, that the
opposition is offside because,for some unknown reason, the
(04:12):
referees don't like to blowpenalties for us.
So someone's got to tell thereferee that the opposition are
not following the rules likethey should be, and I'm more
than happy to be that person.
So that's why it's soimperative that my vocal cords
forget the podcast.
It's the yelling from thestands, the grandstands.
That's why I need to look aftermy voice, but you know.
(04:35):
But in all seriousness, though,like me, being a Newcastle
Knights supporter is a hugething.
It's a huge part of what I do,of who I see myself as and what
I enjoy and what really gets megoing being a Knights supporter.
I'm a very passionate supporter.
I love the club, I love theNewcastle Knights, I love the
(04:58):
region, newcastle and the Hunter.
If you've listened to thepodcast long enough, you would
know that I will continue topush how wonderful Newcastle is
because it is truly God'scountry.
But you know the clubrepresents the region and the
city and us Novacastrians, thepopulation of Newcastle, and you
(05:19):
know I want to see our team dowell and I get very parochial
about the team and the club whenwe take on teams from Brisbane
and Sydney and Melbourne.
It's like we're the underdogsin a lot of ways and you want to
stick it to the big guns, andfor a while, a couple of years
(05:41):
ago, we were the big guns whenwe had players like Andrew Johns
and Danny Badiris.
The Newcastle Knights wereformidable, but unfortunately
it's been a long time sincewe've had any success like that.
But but the problem is and backto the main point of this
episode is that the socialanxiety that I have, that is
(06:04):
chronic.
You know, I talk about myanxiety, how it's there all the
time, and often I'm referringmore to the generalized anxiety
component of things.
But don't get me wrong, thesocial anxiety is a huge part of
this as well.
And when I talk about mydiminished social capacity and
that my social capacitybattery's on zero and stuff,
(06:25):
that's because I get sociallyanxious and all the energy that
that burns up, you know, is areason why I need to try and
find a way to overcome this.
But I need to overcome it tooand keep it at bay, because I
need to do the things that makemy life worth living, and I know
that sounds like a heavystatement, I guess it is, but,
(06:48):
um, you know me, being aNewcastle Knights supporter is
one of those reasons, um, whenthings are not going very good,
that I think to myself, you know, just, we've just got to hold
on.
You know, like life's all right.
There's some good things, youknow, and following rugby league
and the Knights is one of thosegood things, even though the
results may not quite be in linewith my well, not so much my
(07:12):
expectations.
They are in line with myexpectations but, I guess, not
so much my hope and wishes.
But the reason why I'm bringingthis up right now is because
the well, currently the NRLW,the women's team, is playing
Brisbane, because the game ishere at home, here in Newcastle.
Did I mention that Last homegame of the season, which is
(07:34):
always a big affair?
It's sold out, the game is soldout.
And right now the women areplaying the Brisbane Broncos,
who are coming top of the tableand unfortunately we're getting
beaten.
But our women's team is quite ahandy side, don't get me wrong
and I love watching the women'splay too.
It's a great game, the women'sgame it is.
And then the men kick off at3pm, which is an hour away.
(08:03):
Now, I should be at the groundnow, you know.
I should get there when thegates open, you know, and that's
usually what I try and do.
And I try and do that because Iget so stressed out that I'm
not going to get my seat and youknow there's going to be
lineups, I'm going to misskickoff and all that.
You know, again, it's theanxiety garbage that just
dictates everything.
But I do try and get there asearly as I can because, also, as
(08:26):
we know, my ADHD renders myability to be organized and
timely.
It severely hampers my abilityto be on time.
So I've got to go above andbeyond to make sure that I,
because there have been so manygames, I've walked in as we're
kicking off and I'm just like,so I'm freaking out, you know,
(08:49):
like I'm looking for a place tosit, I'm looking for me mates or
whoever.
I'm going to the game with mefamily and you know I'm freaking
out and the game's already onand you know the opposition just
scored try, and I haven't evenfound my seat yet.
It just stresses me out so muchand it ruins the experience
often.
So I really try to avoid that.
But the problem is, at themoment my social anxiety is and
(09:13):
my dwindling social capacity issuch that I don't think I'll be
able to make the game today, themen's game today, and, as I
said, that game is almost overand I should be there for that
as well, and this is not good.
This is another example, a realworld example, of how these
(09:34):
mental illnesses like to dictateterms and dictate how our lives
are lived.
And I don't like it because Ilike going to these games.
I like, you know, revvingeveryone up in the crowd and
being, to be honest, the centerof attention in many ways and
being a big part of theentertainment.
I like the idea that I'm quiteinfamous, you know, and that
(09:57):
people know my banner, the Prideof the Hunter banner, and it's
very depressing for me when Ican't meet I'm not going to say
obligations, because that soundslike it's a job, and it's
certainly not a job, it's morethan that.
But you know that's what Ishould be doing.
Elliot Waters should be goingto the Newcastle Knights games.
Win, lose or draw, rain, hailor shine, it shouldn't matter.
(10:23):
I should be at all the gamesgiving it my all.
So the team hopefully does aswell, because that's what I do,
that is what Elliot Waters does.
Yeah, you know.
Yeah, there's also the factthat you know, I'm sort of known
for it and stuff.
But forget all that.
You know, internally for me Iget great joy out of going to
these games and that's why I getreally frustrated when I'm in
these moods where I struggle tobe able to handle, you know, the
(10:47):
sensory overload that,admittedly, a sold out McDonald
Jones Stadium does, because it'snot, you know, even when I'm
going well, the games.
You know it's still a toughenvironment for me because
there's a lot going on.
You know there's a lot ofbright lights and there's 30,000
people, you know, sittingaround me and stuff.
(11:07):
You know, like, like, even ifmy social anxiety isn't totally
peaking, like just just the factthat I'm autistic, and you know
stuff like that.
And you know just the sensoryoverload, like there's a lot
going on.
It's a very loud, bright,vibrant environment and I'm not
always cut out for that,naturally, and I have to go
(11:30):
above and beyond again to sortof overcome that.
But then when I am able toovercome it, I get great
enjoyment out of the experienceand it's also very empowering
because I know that every time Igo to a game and give it my all
that I'm pushing back againstthese mental illnesses that do
not want me going and want mestaying at home.
But unfortunately, I thinkthat's what's going to happen
(11:50):
today Because, as we knowlistening to the more recent
episodes, that my socialcapacity is is dwindling big
time and I think a big part ofthat is because of my work and
the fact that I'm so customerfocused and customer facing and
a lot of team members and allthat, and we get to the weekend
(12:11):
like it is now and I'm zonked.
You know what I mean.
It's not all bad news.
Last night, for example, I wentout with some friends, just to
the pub, and had my first drink,my first alcoholic beverage in
five weeks.
It was a Kilkenny.
So hello to all of the Irishlisteners out there.
(12:32):
I love Kilkenny.
It's a great beer, it's like amilkshake, it's just beautiful.
I only had one, though I drove.
I only had one.
Nothing silly, there was noabusing anything, it was just a
really good sit down, catch upand talk about how things are
going and I really, really,really enjoyed it.
(12:52):
But even that experience there'sa social capacity cost, there's
an energy output.
That is inherent in it,obviously, and that's the case
for everyone.
Excuse me, that is inherent init, obviously, and that's the
case for everyone, excuse me,but obviously for people who
don't have much capacity tobegin with, even catching up
with friends can be a big deal,and it was a big deal, you know.
(13:14):
Like I remember I left I waslike, oh, you know, that was a
big couple of hours, but man,that was fun, I loved it.
I enjoyed it so much, that wasgreat.
But I think there's a bit of ahangover effect, not from
drinking, but a social hangovereffect that is unfortunately
doing its thing here today and Ithink that's why I can't, I
(13:35):
don't, I don't think I'll beable to make the game, which,
which, because you know, I'vegot people that I was going to
meet there and sit with, andagain there's that social
element.
Obviously 3,000 people aren'tall going to be talking to me,
but the people I go with will be, and I just I don't know.
I just don't know if I've gotit.
I just don't know if I've gotit today, which is pretty
(13:57):
annoying too, because I don'tknow some of you may be
listening to the podcast heretoday for the first time.
I should have mentioned this atthe start of the episode, when
people were still hooked in.
So if you're still listening,thank you for sticking through,
even though my voice, I can hear, is getting worse and worse as
I keep babbling on.
(14:18):
But see, I knew me beingstrategic.
You know I love putting mypodcast posters up around
Newcastle.
I've mentioned this before onthe show.
I have this autistic, I think,fixation.
I really really enjoy drivingaround, usually late at night on
my own, with my staple gun anda whole wad of posters that I
(14:42):
make and I put them on everytelegraph pole, every power pole
in Newcastle and it'severywhere like for promotion.
But I don't know, there's somejoy I get out of it.
I know it's a bit weird,probably, and people probably
see these posters and go what isthis guy doing?
What is wrong with this bloke?
And to those people I say,listen to the bloody show and
(15:02):
then you'll find out.
But I'm very content justdriving around singing Oasis and
ACDC songs and pulling over andputting up posters with my
staple gun.
I love it.
And I put up last night a lotof posters around McDonald Jones
Stadium because I knew that thegame was going to be a sellout
and there'll be a lot of peoplehanging around the stadium.
(15:25):
So there's a lot of podcastposters up around the stadium
right now.
So if you are a first timelistener because you've seen the
posters hanging up around thestadium outside the stadium,
welcome to the show.
Thank you for listening and, ifyou'd like, please reach out to
me on instagram atelliotttwaters and let me know
(15:47):
if you have started listingbecause of the posters, because
a few people have done that.
They've said you know I sawyour poster on whatever street
you know, in newcastle and, andyou know I've subscribed, I've
started listing.
I'm so glad I did and it's, youknow, it's a, it's the feedback
, it's, you know, it's amazingfeedback and I'm so grateful
that people would take the timeout to, first off, listen to the
(16:07):
show, but then also, you know,message me and, you know, say
such kind things.
But it is good to hear frompeople that have discovered the
show through the posters,because a lot of effort goes
into making these posters andlaminating them all.
Like I'm telling you guys, I'vegot A4 sheets, I've got A3
sheets, I've got posters thatgive a bit of an outline of what
(16:30):
the show's all about.
So that's more for areas wherepeople might be walking their
dog, for example, I might stopand just have a quick read and
go oh, that's something I'd liketo listen to.
But then I've got other postersas well, which is just the logo
of the podcast and the name ofthe podcast in big writing and
underneath that says MentalHealth Insights.
(16:50):
So you know, there's a fewdifferent designs there.
There's different sizes of theposters.
I laminate all of them.
A lot of time and effort goesinto these posters.
So if you are somebody who haslistened because of one of these
many, many pieces of paper thatI've stuck up all around Newey,
well, feel free to let me know.
(17:11):
That would be really good.
But to get back on topic and Iam going to wrap this up shortly
because the voice is decliningat a rapid rate yeah, but I
don't know if I'm.
I don't think I'm going to beable to make the game today and
it's really I don't know.
It's.
I feel like I can't win, likeif I go I could get overwhelmed.
(17:37):
But I do know, even if I'moverwhelmed, there'll still be
that satisfaction and I'll getthe enjoyment out of going.
But then I'll also get thatsatisfaction of pushing back
against my mental illnesses.
But if I stay at home and watchit on TV, well then you know
I'm playing it safe and I won'tbe as overstimulated and I might
be able to do more thisafternoon, for example after the
(18:00):
game, if I don't go.
But then I'm emboldening andempowering not myself but these
mental illnesses, in particularthe social anxiety disorder or
the social anxiety component of,I guess, my autism.
So you know it's a difficultone.
Like you know, the best wayforward is to go to the game.
(18:21):
I just don't know if I can.
I don't know If I do go to thegame.
I will definitely report backand let you know I've done an
episode.
Actually it was probably a yearor two ago, I think.
Now it's called Tackling SocialAnxiety, pride of the Hunter or
Pride of the Hunter, tacklingSocial Anxiety, and that episode
(18:43):
is exactly the episode that Ihope I might be able to do this
afternoon, which is after goingto the game, despite the
feelings that I am experiencing.
So that episode is about meovercoming my social anxiety
tendencies and getting to thegame and giving it my all.
And I don't know.
(19:04):
I suppose that's a good episode.
So if you want to listen tothat, feel free.
It's a cracker, like they allare, but I would like to hope
that maybe I'll do almost acarbon copy of that episode
again here today.
That would be amazing.
But I just I don't know, guys,I don't know.
It's been a big week.
It's been a big, big week.
(19:25):
I've got more to talk about,about what's happened this week.
There's been some reallyexciting developments, I guess,
in my I guess sort ofprofessional career.
I'm not going to go into toomuch just now, but we know that
there's been complications withmy work at Bunnings, with the
(19:46):
forklift operating, but my workat the university and in
research, that stuff has beengoing really good and I've got
some great news to report onthat as well.
So stay tuned.
But that's all for now.
I'm going to wrap it up there.
I'm going to go get some warmtea and I don't know.
I used to use a dehumidifier no,no, not a dehumidifier, a
(20:06):
humidifier in my room.
When I first started thepodcast in my little room where
I used to live, I had thishumidifier because supposedly
singers and public speakers dothis before they present or go
on stage or whatever.
Excuse me, jeez, sorryeverybody.
So I had one of thesehumidifiers because obviously,
(20:29):
you know, I present, I'm apublic speaker for the Black Dog
Institute and I have thispodcast which involves using my
voice as well.
So you know it was aninvestment that I thought might
help, but I didn't really noticemuch difference.
But it could be these sorts ofsituations where it would have
come in handy because, accordingto chat GPT, I should have a
(20:52):
humidifier.
So I don't know, maybe I'll goget another one at some point,
but anyway, that'll do.
I'm going to stop waffling onnow.
Thank you everybody forlistening.
As always, I do appreciate it.
If you're enjoying the show,feel free to like, subscribe,
give the show a great ratingbecause it's good for the
algorithm and you can share itaround with your mates.
And you can follow me oninstagram at elliotttwaters, and
(21:15):
you can also follow the show onfacebook by searching the
dysregulated podcast.
All right, until next time.
Thank you guys.
Have a good one.
See you later.
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