April 14, 2024 • 13 mins
Send Katie a Message with Your Questions/Thoughts! :)
Welcome back to our conversation with licensed therapist and parent coach, Tiffani Domokos! This is Part 2.
In Part 1, just before this episode, we discussed strategies for identifying the root challenges that continually trip up our progress when building new habits and how to reinforce the changes we want to see.
Today, we’re going to unpack the concept of mama-overwhelm and how to manage this while caring for our families and our own nervous systems.
I’m Katie – a mama, coach & podcaster focused on supporting eco-minded mamas to live sustainably: saving thousands of dollars and living a life that is in alignment with their core values so they can care for their families and their environment! Let’s get into Part 2 of our conversation…
Resources Mentioned in the Episode:
- Tiffani's website, monthly newsletter, and more: https://linktr.ee/tiffani.domokos
- Sign up to receive Tiffani's Managing Mama Overwhelm workshop recording: Https://pages.tiffanidomokos.com/mamaoverwhelm
- Join our online community over in The Eco-Minded Mama Collective where we support each other with monthly challenges, giveaways, member makeovers, and cultivate lasting friendships while we raise our eco-minded families together!
P.S. Be sure to subscribe to the show so you never miss an episode and follow us on Instagram & TikTok @ecomindedmama to stay connected! ✨
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Katie Kurpanek (00:00):
Welcome back to our conversation with licensed
(00:02):
therapist and parent coachTiffani Domokos. This is part
two. In part one just beforethis episode, we discussed
strategies for identifying theroot challenges that continually
trip us up when we are trying tomake progress with a new habit
or a new goal, and how toreinforce the changes that we
want to see. So if you missedthat episode, go check it out.
Today, we are going to unpackthe concept of mama overwhelm,
(00:26):
and how to manage this whilecaring for our families and our
own little nervous systems. SoI'm Katie, I am a mama coach and
a podcaster focused onsupporting eco minded mamas to
live sustainably, saving 1000sof dollars and living a life
that is aligned with their corevalues so that you can care for
your families and theenvironment. Let's get into part
(00:47):
two of our conversation.
Tiffani, you recently taught aworkshop called Managing Mama
Overwhelm. And I love thattitle, by the way, and you
discussed some of the mythssurrounding overwhelm. Can you
share a bit about this with us?
Tiffani Domokos (01:03):
Yeah, um, so what I found was that when I'm
working with my clients, I'mcoming up against a lot of I
mean, I called them myths, butjust kind of misnomers about the
idea of being overwhelmed. Sothis idea that we as moms need
to be on a pedestal, that weneed to be able to do
(01:26):
everything, and juggle all theballs and make all the
appointments and work or notwork and do all the things and
not ever get overwhelmed andjust be able to handle it and be
calm, cool and collected all thetime. And, and when I break that
down with people, it's reallythis belief that, you know, myth
(01:49):
one, I'm a bad parent, if I getoverwhelmed, or I am damaging my
kids by showing that I havefeelings other than being calm.
I'm trying to think of otherones. But those are kind of the
big ones, right? This identityof I am bad if I'm not perfect.
(02:11):
And that is such a narrative inthe feminine space, culturally,
and trying to break some of thatin in us as moms, I think it
gets really kind of nodded andtied up together. And so helping
people kind of untangle hat andreally look at what do you
(02:32):
believe about being human,because the truth is that
everyone has a nervous system.
And everyone has this kind ofbudget that they live on. Some
people call it a window oftolerance. But But basically,
that we make deposits intoourselves into our body, our
nervous system, our brain, thatthat kind of keeps things
(02:55):
flowing, right? We're feelinggood. But we also have
withdrawals from that where wecan get depleted, that could be
stress. That could be you know,not eating well, that could be
not being hydrated. Or a lot ofpeople when they're stressed,
(03:15):
they hold their breath, right.
So literally, like not enoughoxygen in the body. And so I'm
really walking through Pete withpeople that the basis of
creating security for your kids,but also for yourself and and
firstly, for ourselves as momsis for us to feel safe seen and
(03:39):
Sue, especially when we'retriggered. And so triggers
triggers can look like a lot ofthings for a lot of different
people. my nervous system isreally sensitive to sound and to
high pitched kind of constantsound. And wouldn't you know it?
I am around a kid that likes tosing at the top of her lungs at
(04:01):
the screechy voice possible,right. So I know that about my
nervous system. I know that thatis that is a withdrawal and so I
have to balance that with somedeposits. And sometimes that's
self care sometimes, you know,and and self care being like
silence like I sit in silence alot when I'm not around my kid
(04:23):
because that noise is reallyoverwhelming for me. And so in
the workshop, we kind of breakdown what does that look like to
be safe seen ensued when yourbody is triggered? And you're
like, freaking out and can'tkeep the lid on? Can't be calm,
cool and collected anymore? Howdo you come down off of that and
(04:46):
what are some kind of logicalnext steps?
Katie Kurpanek (04:50):
Hmm. Oh my goodness. It is. It's amazing
how hard it is to just take careof basic needs like food, water,
air literal air and breathingenough or even just being able
to take a deep breath. I knowfor some people, taking a deep
breath is actually really hard.
So yeah, it is not as easy as,as it might seem on the surface
(05:12):
level. And then then when you'rea mom carving out that time,
like to even just sit in silenceand not have like the constant
noise from the background. Imean, I'm kind of racking my
brain like when when do I, it'shard enough to carve out time to
like, record these episodes. SoI guess what are do you have
some tangible ways that, youknow, you would recommend for
(05:37):
moms to be able to make space tofeel safe, seen and soothed? And
is that something that they'rejust able to do for themselves?
Or is that something that theyoften need support in? Or maybe
it's both?
Tiffani Domokos (05:52):
Yeah, I think it depends on the person. I
mean, a lot of this is Itdepends, right? So for some
people, that noise thing, not abig deal. But like whining is is
a trigger for them. And so forme it is identify, identify what
the trigger is and make a planaround it. So if you know that
dinner time is an overwhelmedtime for you make a plan around
(06:17):
it, like does does your kidrespond to music being played?
And they'll dance and kind ofplay independently? If it's not
that do they do they really needlike a snack during that time,
because they're getting to thehungry stage. And you offer just
like vegetables and fruit thatyou would normally put on their
plate, but there's gonna eatthat first while they're waiting
(06:39):
for you. And then they'll gohappily play. So brainstorming.
I know, I said this in the lastepisode too, but like, making
space to really brainstormaround those trigger points,
what are those, making a planand, and then having some
accountability coaching is agreat accountability. I also
(07:00):
think having your partnersupport and knowing literally
telling your partner, I'm goingto work on this. So if you see
me losing it around thisparticular topic or timeframe,
here's what I want you to do.
Like, I literally want you totouch my arm and say I got this,
go take a break, or write likewhatever that script is that you
(07:24):
want him or her to say to you. Ithink that is really helpful.
Because a lot of times ourpartners just want to be
helpful. But we haven't askedfor their help. And so then
their help kind of feels likecriticism, which is a whole
different trigger than that yoursystem is dealing with, which is
also not helpful. So when we'reasking for support being really
(07:48):
specific about I'm doing this,when this happens, here's the
support that I need. Yeah,
Katie Kurpanek (07:58):
so yeah, not not doing not waiting for the moment
when you're like red hot to dothat, because it's just that
part of your brain is notactually going to be functioning
well enough to do that witheffective communication in the
moment. So So yeah, like, whenyou are in a state of calm, you
(08:19):
know, you're at rest, you're atpeace, then, you know, I don't
know how like, you could have areminder for yourself, somehow,
maybe setting another timer onyour phone for a time of day
where you're pretty sure you'regoing to be consistently at
peace. But like, yeah, remindingyourself to have those
conversations then. So thatHindsight is 2020 you'll have
(08:40):
like, just a state of calm toreflect on exactly what you
need, based on those previousexperiences. So yeah,
Tiffani Domokos (08:49):
yeah. And I think to that, taking the small
spaces, so if you have kids inschool or daycare, I think
again, as moms, it's just reallyeasy to like, drop and go and
run to the next thing. And we'rejust like constantly in this
state of stress and like, get tothe next thing. And what our
(09:12):
nervous system actually needs islike a moment, like it doesn't
need to be an hour. It's it's amoment of breathe, feel my body,
like literally feel my body andbe present with myself. forgive
myself for what happened thismorning, let it go make a plan
(09:34):
for repair, if that is what isneeded with your kids or your
partner or whatever happened.
And then go into the next thing,fully present. We kind of go
into these like, we're like onefoot in one foot out. We're
still in the guilt of themorning or whatever happened
previously, and we're trying todo the next thing and we have
(09:54):
this habit of, or I see a lot ofmy clients have a habit of, I
can prove my I can prove thatthat wasn't really on purpose,
I, that wasn't really who I amby doing this other thing. But
our nervous system is stilltaxed, it's still depleted. And
so until you take the time tojust take a moment and put some
(10:16):
deposits back in, we're gonnawe're setting ourselves up to
have another depletion, andanother moment of overwhelm. And
overwhelm doesn't also also Iwant to mention doesn't have to
be the red hot moments. It canalso be the like blue shutdown
moments where you kind of feellike you're in a fog, or you're
scrolling mindlessly. Those aregood, like red flags for man, I
(10:40):
probably need some, some nervoussystem support. Yeah,
Katie Kurpanek (10:48):
like just those dissociating kind of totally
habits. Yeah. And I think mamaswho are listening, like you'll
know yourself, you'll know rightnow, whatever you're thinking of
that you get into or gettriggered into, I think that'll,
that'll become so clear for you.
But I appreciate the work you'redoing around this and how you're
supporting moms. And in thisepisode to what you've given us,
(11:10):
thank you so much. And I knowyou told me that you will have
or you do have that recording ofthe managing mama overwhelm
workshop available. So if mamaswant to go through, you know,
the whole thing? Where could
Tiffani Domokos (11:25):
Yeah, Tiffanidomokos.com, forward
they find that?
slash mama overwhelm, I can sendyou the link. That is no
problem. Yeah, and it's only 30minutes. So I know a lot of
workshops are like an hour, hourand a half, I was really
intentional in creating 30minutes, because that is that is
(11:47):
sometimes all that we've got.
And that's probably broken intochunks throughout the day. And
that's okay, so, but yeah, it'srecording, you can listen to it
anywhere and be sent to youremail.
Katie Kurpanek (12:00):
I love that.
That's so awesome. Well, I willbe sure to have it linked in the
show notes. So anyone who isinterested, you can just go to
this episode description, andyou will find it. And then later
this month. So at the time ofthis recording, it is April, and
in about the middle of the monthon the 17th, we are going to
have Tiffani in The Eco-MindedMama Collective for an even
deeper q&a session. And that isalso very intentionally set to
(12:25):
be just a half hour because Iknow we are busy moms. So if
anyone listening is interestedin joining our collective and
being able to take part of that,that will be linked in the show
notes as well. So eco mindedmama.com. That is where you can
find all the information aboutjoining our collective. The
theme for this month in ouronline collective community is
(12:46):
goal setting, habit building,setting a strong foundation, so
that we can get into the fivepillars of sustainable living.
And I've mentioned those inprevious episodes. But we're
going to go through one of thosepillars at a time, one month at
a time. But we do it togetherbecause like Tiffani and I have
said in this episode and before,it is so much better to just do
(13:08):
life within community and tofind support and empathy and
people to just brainstorm andproblem solve with. So that is
what is happening in the Ecominded mama collective. And then
we will go even deeper into thisconversation with Tiffani again
on the 17th. So I'll have allthat linked below. But thank you
so much for your time and yourinsight with us. Tiffani, I have
(13:31):
just loved having you back onthe podcast.
Tiffani Domokos (13:36):
Yes, I always look forward to our
conversations, Katie.
Katie Kurpanek (13:40):
thank you so much. Have a great day. All
right, you too.
Welcome back to our conversation with licensed
(00:02):
therapist and parent coachTiffani Domokos. This is part
two. In part one just beforethis episode, we discussed
strategies for identifying theroot challenges that continually
trip us up when we are trying tomake progress with a new habit
or a new goal, and how toreinforce the changes that we
want to see. So if you missedthat episode, go check it out.
Today, we are going to unpackthe concept of mama overwhelm,
(00:26):
and how to manage this whilecaring for our families and our
own little nervous systems. SoI'm Katie, I am a mama coach and
a podcaster focused onsupporting eco minded mamas to
live sustainably, saving 1000sof dollars and living a life
that is aligned with their corevalues so that you can care for
your families and theenvironment. Let's get into part
(00:47):
two of our conversation.
Tiffani, you recently taught aworkshop called Managing Mama
Overwhelm. And I love thattitle, by the way, and you
discussed some of the mythssurrounding overwhelm. Can you
share a bit about this with us?
Tiffani Domokos (01:03):
Yeah, um, so what I found was that when I'm
working with my clients, I'mcoming up against a lot of I
mean, I called them myths, butjust kind of misnomers about the
idea of being overwhelmed. Sothis idea that we as moms need
to be on a pedestal, that weneed to be able to do
(01:26):
everything, and juggle all theballs and make all the
appointments and work or notwork and do all the things and
not ever get overwhelmed andjust be able to handle it and be
calm, cool and collected all thetime. And, and when I break that
down with people, it's reallythis belief that, you know, myth
(01:49):
one, I'm a bad parent, if I getoverwhelmed, or I am damaging my
kids by showing that I havefeelings other than being calm.
I'm trying to think of otherones. But those are kind of the
big ones, right? This identityof I am bad if I'm not perfect.
(02:11):
And that is such a narrative inthe feminine space, culturally,
and trying to break some of thatin in us as moms, I think it
gets really kind of nodded andtied up together. And so helping
people kind of untangle hat andreally look at what do you
(02:32):
believe about being human,because the truth is that
everyone has a nervous system.
And everyone has this kind ofbudget that they live on. Some
people call it a window oftolerance. But But basically,
that we make deposits intoourselves into our body, our
nervous system, our brain, thatthat kind of keeps things
(02:55):
flowing, right? We're feelinggood. But we also have
withdrawals from that where wecan get depleted, that could be
stress. That could be you know,not eating well, that could be
not being hydrated. Or a lot ofpeople when they're stressed,
(03:15):
they hold their breath, right.
So literally, like not enoughoxygen in the body. And so I'm
really walking through Pete withpeople that the basis of
creating security for your kids,but also for yourself and and
firstly, for ourselves as momsis for us to feel safe seen and
(03:39):
Sue, especially when we'retriggered. And so triggers
triggers can look like a lot ofthings for a lot of different
people. my nervous system isreally sensitive to sound and to
high pitched kind of constantsound. And wouldn't you know it?
I am around a kid that likes tosing at the top of her lungs at
(04:01):
the screechy voice possible,right. So I know that about my
nervous system. I know that thatis that is a withdrawal and so I
have to balance that with somedeposits. And sometimes that's
self care sometimes, you know,and and self care being like
silence like I sit in silence alot when I'm not around my kid
(04:23):
because that noise is reallyoverwhelming for me. And so in
the workshop, we kind of breakdown what does that look like to
be safe seen ensued when yourbody is triggered? And you're
like, freaking out and can'tkeep the lid on? Can't be calm,
cool and collected anymore? Howdo you come down off of that and
(04:46):
what are some kind of logicalnext steps?
Katie Kurpanek (04:50):
Hmm. Oh my goodness. It is. It's amazing
how hard it is to just take careof basic needs like food, water,
air literal air and breathingenough or even just being able
to take a deep breath. I knowfor some people, taking a deep
breath is actually really hard.
So yeah, it is not as easy as,as it might seem on the surface
(05:12):
level. And then then when you'rea mom carving out that time,
like to even just sit in silenceand not have like the constant
noise from the background. Imean, I'm kind of racking my
brain like when when do I, it'shard enough to carve out time to
like, record these episodes. SoI guess what are do you have
some tangible ways that, youknow, you would recommend for
(05:37):
moms to be able to make space tofeel safe, seen and soothed? And
is that something that they'rejust able to do for themselves?
Or is that something that theyoften need support in? Or maybe
it's both?
Tiffani Domokos (05:52):
Yeah, I think it depends on the person. I
mean, a lot of this is Itdepends, right? So for some
people, that noise thing, not abig deal. But like whining is is
a trigger for them. And so forme it is identify, identify what
the trigger is and make a planaround it. So if you know that
dinner time is an overwhelmedtime for you make a plan around
(06:17):
it, like does does your kidrespond to music being played?
And they'll dance and kind ofplay independently? If it's not
that do they do they really needlike a snack during that time,
because they're getting to thehungry stage. And you offer just
like vegetables and fruit thatyou would normally put on their
plate, but there's gonna eatthat first while they're waiting
(06:39):
for you. And then they'll gohappily play. So brainstorming.
I know, I said this in the lastepisode too, but like, making
space to really brainstormaround those trigger points,
what are those, making a planand, and then having some
accountability coaching is agreat accountability. I also
(07:00):
think having your partnersupport and knowing literally
telling your partner, I'm goingto work on this. So if you see
me losing it around thisparticular topic or timeframe,
here's what I want you to do.
Like, I literally want you totouch my arm and say I got this,
go take a break, or write likewhatever that script is that you
(07:24):
want him or her to say to you. Ithink that is really helpful.
Because a lot of times ourpartners just want to be
helpful. But we haven't askedfor their help. And so then
their help kind of feels likecriticism, which is a whole
different trigger than that yoursystem is dealing with, which is
also not helpful. So when we'reasking for support being really
(07:48):
specific about I'm doing this,when this happens, here's the
support that I need. Yeah,
Katie Kurpanek (07:58):
so yeah, not not doing not waiting for the moment
when you're like red hot to dothat, because it's just that
part of your brain is notactually going to be functioning
well enough to do that witheffective communication in the
moment. So So yeah, like, whenyou are in a state of calm, you
(08:19):
know, you're at rest, you're atpeace, then, you know, I don't
know how like, you could have areminder for yourself, somehow,
maybe setting another timer onyour phone for a time of day
where you're pretty sure you'regoing to be consistently at
peace. But like, yeah, remindingyourself to have those
conversations then. So thatHindsight is 2020 you'll have
(08:40):
like, just a state of calm toreflect on exactly what you
need, based on those previousexperiences. So yeah,
Tiffani Domokos (08:49):
yeah. And I think to that, taking the small
spaces, so if you have kids inschool or daycare, I think
again, as moms, it's just reallyeasy to like, drop and go and
run to the next thing. And we'rejust like constantly in this
state of stress and like, get tothe next thing. And what our
(09:12):
nervous system actually needs islike a moment, like it doesn't
need to be an hour. It's it's amoment of breathe, feel my body,
like literally feel my body andbe present with myself. forgive
myself for what happened thismorning, let it go make a plan
(09:34):
for repair, if that is what isneeded with your kids or your
partner or whatever happened.
And then go into the next thing,fully present. We kind of go
into these like, we're like onefoot in one foot out. We're
still in the guilt of themorning or whatever happened
previously, and we're trying todo the next thing and we have
(09:54):
this habit of, or I see a lot ofmy clients have a habit of, I
can prove my I can prove thatthat wasn't really on purpose,
I, that wasn't really who I amby doing this other thing. But
our nervous system is stilltaxed, it's still depleted. And
so until you take the time tojust take a moment and put some
(10:16):
deposits back in, we're gonnawe're setting ourselves up to
have another depletion, andanother moment of overwhelm. And
overwhelm doesn't also also Iwant to mention doesn't have to
be the red hot moments. It canalso be the like blue shutdown
moments where you kind of feellike you're in a fog, or you're
scrolling mindlessly. Those aregood, like red flags for man, I
(10:40):
probably need some, some nervoussystem support. Yeah,
Katie Kurpanek (10:48):
like just those dissociating kind of totally
habits. Yeah. And I think mamaswho are listening, like you'll
know yourself, you'll know rightnow, whatever you're thinking of
that you get into or gettriggered into, I think that'll,
that'll become so clear for you.
But I appreciate the work you'redoing around this and how you're
supporting moms. And in thisepisode to what you've given us,
(11:10):
thank you so much. And I knowyou told me that you will have
or you do have that recording ofthe managing mama overwhelm
workshop available. So if mamaswant to go through, you know,
the whole thing? Where could
Tiffani Domokos (11:25):
Yeah, Tiffanidomokos.com, forward
they find that?
slash mama overwhelm, I can sendyou the link. That is no
problem. Yeah, and it's only 30minutes. So I know a lot of
workshops are like an hour, hourand a half, I was really
intentional in creating 30minutes, because that is that is
(11:47):
sometimes all that we've got.
And that's probably broken intochunks throughout the day. And
that's okay, so, but yeah, it'srecording, you can listen to it
anywhere and be sent to youremail.
Katie Kurpanek (12:00):
I love that.
That's so awesome. Well, I willbe sure to have it linked in the
show notes. So anyone who isinterested, you can just go to
this episode description, andyou will find it. And then later
this month. So at the time ofthis recording, it is April, and
in about the middle of the monthon the 17th, we are going to
have Tiffani in The Eco-MindedMama Collective for an even
deeper q&a session. And that isalso very intentionally set to
(12:25):
be just a half hour because Iknow we are busy moms. So if
anyone listening is interestedin joining our collective and
being able to take part of that,that will be linked in the show
notes as well. So eco mindedmama.com. That is where you can
find all the information aboutjoining our collective. The
theme for this month in ouronline collective community is
(12:46):
goal setting, habit building,setting a strong foundation, so
that we can get into the fivepillars of sustainable living.
And I've mentioned those inprevious episodes. But we're
going to go through one of thosepillars at a time, one month at
a time. But we do it togetherbecause like Tiffani and I have
said in this episode and before,it is so much better to just do
(13:08):
life within community and tofind support and empathy and
people to just brainstorm andproblem solve with. So that is
what is happening in the Ecominded mama collective. And then
we will go even deeper into thisconversation with Tiffani again
on the 17th. So I'll have allthat linked below. But thank you
so much for your time and yourinsight with us. Tiffani, I have
(13:31):
just loved having you back onthe podcast.
Tiffani Domokos (13:36):
Yes, I always look forward to our
conversations, Katie.
Katie Kurpanek (13:40):
thank you so much. Have a great day. All
right, you too.
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